REWILD + FREE - 52. MUSINGS + MAGICK: Navigating the Discomfort of Shifting Seasons in Motherhood and Business (MAY FULL MOON ILLUMINATIONS WITH LAUREN AND NICOLE)

Episode Date: May 24, 2024

In this episode, Lauren and I vulnerably reflect on the turbulence we’ve both experienced this past month and how it’s impacting our nervous systems, our creativity, our productivity, and our sense of Self. We share our own journeys of discomfort and fear, and embrace the concept of pausing and slowing down to return in a more authentic way.As we continue to deepen into cyclical embodiment, we both acknowledge that being in a season of slow down is normal and necessary despite societal conditioning telling us to push through. We share both the discomfort and expansion of paving our own ways.As always our conversation pulls the threads of many different topics including:Seeking so called “balance” between business and the ever changing phases of motherhoodBody image strugglesMom guilt and self worthReframing burnout, shifting priorities, and embracing a season of self-tendingRedefining procrastination and leaning into your own creative processHealing perfectionism and witnessing the embodied growthWe have no doubt that some part of this episode will be relatable or offer language to your own experience as you untangle the messy middle of motherhood or entrepreneurship. As always, we love to hear from you! DM us on IG and let us know what this episode stirs up for you. Resources mentioned: Find epic copywriting support from our friend Gerry (@itsgerrytait) ..Connect with Nicole on IG (@nicolepasveer) Connect with Lauren on IG (@nestandnourish)

You are listening to Musings and Magic on the Rewild and Free podcast. Welcome to Musings and Magic. I'm Lauren Fortuna Flock. I'm a mother, doula, the host of the Well-Nourished Mother podcast, and a somatic matrescence guide. I support mothers through the waves of intensity motherhood brings so they can fall in love with the mother they are and the mother they're becoming. And I'm Nicole Pazbier, a mom, wife, and host of the Rewild and Free podcast. I help women awaken beyond the conditioning that's been keeping them pretty perfect and pleasing

so that they can live more consciously, mother intuitively, and grow their business holistically. We've never met in real life and we live 700 miles apart. But we've been holding space for each other virtually since 2022 when we found each other in super similar seasons of life. Yeah, we were both in our retiring from a super secure nursing job, in the thick of postpartum, and starting a heart-led business era. We found ourselves chatting for hours on Zoom almost weekly, having the deep, why isn't anyone talking about this conversations around all things motherhood and conscious entrepreneurship. So we started recording

these unfiltered and unscripted conversations to bring you this co-created series. We're inviting you in with deep trust that you'll receive whatever insight, wisdom, or solidarity you need in this season, because we all know motherhood and entrepreneurship are lonely as fuck. Yeah, we're blending our musings with a touch of magic, the kind of woo-woo, more spiritual, witchy stuff that we're both so curious about, but don't fully relate to. Yet. Our intention is to invite more ritual into our lives. So we're using this series to anchor into the cycle of the moon, meeting on the full and new moons of each month. We'll do an energy check-in and explore nuanced conversations

around big topics related to cyclical orientation, feminine embodiment in business and motherhood, and our own personal explorations related to reclaiming our inner witch. So if you're ready to come laugh, learn, and reflect with us, then keep listening. But first, we invite you to take the deepest breath you've given to yourself yet today. And when you're ready, let's go. Welcome back to another episode of Musings and Magic, a full moon episode. Yeah. Hi. It feels funny to just automatically start getting into the episode because Lauren and I just spent a bit of time recording an intro for this series. We haven't had one up until now

and it's kind of felt, I don't know, a bit disconnected, especially if there's people listening on her podcast versus mine. And if, yeah, I don't know, we just needed a bit of formality, I guess, around that. So if you've been listening all this time and you're hearing it for the first time, that's why. And if this is your first time listening, welcome. We're so happy you're here. Yeah. Yeah. Hopefully it gives you a bit more kind of understanding of what this is and why we're doing this yeah and I also just want to name like um before we started recording this we I don't know if there's hesitation but like we had a quick conversation of like where is our heart in this like do we still want to keep doing this we accidentally I guess um missed the the last new moon um it's kind of just like a weird time like we both got sick shortly after one another and um yeah like

it literally just kind of like I know it slipped my mind and then after the fact it's like oh shit we missed our musings and magic call and Lauren and I literally went like a whole month without connecting on zoom and that was weird for us too so so weird brother's wedding yeah and um I went on a little girl's trip with my mom and Aubrey and like I said we both had our own bouts of sickness and yeah just the chaos that that brings and kind of the slow reemergence back into life as we know it. Yeah, yeah. And I think in the past, like my own kind of perfectionism or like my own all or nothing thinking would have been like, well, we skipped an episode. It's ruined now. We can't do it anymore. We failed. Yeah. But you know, we're both in this season of like, no, we're making our own rules while also trying to, you know, have some, some semblance of consistency. I know we've talked about consistency in the past too. And, and, you know, kind of redefining what that even means too. So here we are, we're not going to like make a bunch of crazy excuses for

skipping the last episode, but I'm proud of us for showing up today. Cause I think, I think we could have easily just not done this one and maybe waited for the next one, but it's been great so far. Like, like Nicole said, we've been already chatting for almost like an hour. So yeah. Do you, so yay us for getting back on. And yeah, well, and I actually like just kind of reflecting on that in real time, as you just said that, like the consistency piece and how, how much we do talk about that and how much we are kind of unlearning and relearning our own way. And we both have this longing to have more ritual in our lives. And I think, I think I shared this in our last episode that I am definitely feeling this, this desire for a little bit more structure in my life. And I don't know

if it's like this, this desire for more purpose and like something to show up to, but I think ritual does help create that. And so almost just in my own mind, like swapping the word for consistency with ritual feels really good. Like, so we are ritualizing these episodes. And so the consistency of that ritual, obviously we are trying to anchor around the lunar cycles, but ultimately like it's our own rules. So that just feels really good. I love what you just said there that you're like, yeah, swapping that language, swapping consistency for ritual and seeing this as a ritual practice to come and show up for. I like that a lot. And it's funny because we're talking about, you know, my perfectionism around, you know,

missing an episode in my own actual podcast, The Well-Nourished Mother. I don't think I've released an episode in like two months now. And somehow I'm okay with that. It's like, you know, it's fine. I know I'm going to get back to it. And I think that's the difference here in the past. It's like, if I couldn't be consistent, I would just completely fall off entirely, very all or nothing, whether it was with working out, with eating well, like whatever it was. But now there's this like really deep trust that I love this project. I love this podcast. And I know that when the aligned people show up or when the aligned topics or things I want to say show up, I know that I'm going to show up and, and hit record. So yeah, there's just such

a difference there. I'm celebrating you in that. And I think it really does speak volumes about the, the growth and like depth of self trust that you've, you've created and cultivated over like, even just like the short period of time that I've known you. Um, yeah really cool proud of you my friend thank you and I relate I relate to a lot of that too like just that this podcast and we've again talked about this before where like for both of us this podcast creating a podcast has kind of been an opportunity really embody I think some of our values and embody um just yeah like the the lack of rules we're following and to kind of like heal that perfectionist self in us and like it's just I know for me it's it's become this like safe place for me to experiment a little bit, to play, to practice using my voice and

finding my voice. And yeah, there's just this beautiful opportunity for self-expression. It's like podcasting as a spiritual practice. Yeah. Like I relate so much. I've healed so much through just creating this podcast. And what's so different now is like in the beginning, if I, you know, screwed up my schedule, I was on a much more strict schedule at the beginning every two weeks, you know, and if I screwed that up, there was immediately this inner critic of, oh, you're not doing it right. Comparing myself to others, all the language out there that says you have to release weekly or nobody's going to listen. And it's just so cool that that, that voice just isn't there, Like I said,

and that just self-trust that this is, this is mine. It's not anybody else's. I mean, it's for everyone else. Like I'm, I'm, I'm creating it, you know, hopefully that people get value out of, out of it, but that's not why I'm doing it. I'm doing it for me. I'm doing it because I love it. And I have something to say and I want to share it. So it's just fun. Like you said, that we get to kind of embody those values through this practice of having a podcast and having a business because I think that's what creating a business is all about too. Yeah. Yeah. What we can learn about ourselves through it. Totally. The value piece is interesting because I know that is still a sticky point that you and I both kind of get caught up in within the podcasting realm but also just like within our businesses and like trying to ensure that whatever we're creating is valuable to whoever is on the

receiving end of it and I know I'm constantly reminding myself and I've like voiced it in our conversations too we're like it we we don't get to decide what's valuable like I constantly have to just tell myself and like step into deep trust that like whatever is here for you as the listener is there and like you will take like it's not up to me to decide what pieces of this um are like earth shattering world changing transformative moments for you right like everyone listening is coming at this in their own season of life and motherhood and entrepreneurship if if they fit into uh those camps and I don't know yeah I think and I we we recorded this in our intro where the intention here is that our listeners can just walk away with whatever wisdom and insight and solidarity they're needing and it I know for me it really takes away the pressure of like how do I make sure that they like love this and yeah just reminding myself that that's not up

to me and I'm doing a disservice if I continue to hold the bar so high that I'm constantly trying to perfect things because then things never get put out there yeah so taking the messy action even when it feels uncomfortable or even when I'm cringing or even when I, yeah, my inner critic is loud and tells me I can do better. Yeah. And, you know, all of that worrying and, you know, it takes you out of embodiment, right? When we're sitting here while we're talking, worrying about, you know, is this valuable? We're being taken out of our true essence, our true embodiment, which is changing our message, which is changing how we're speaking. And yeah, so it's a good reminder to just stay present and, and, and yeah, to what's actually here right now,

not to what we hope to, to give others, you know, that, that weird definition of what is valuable. Yeah. That's so true. Cause when you, when you kind of hone in on trying to make something super valuable, that automatically is teetering you into a more performative, trying to prove yourself kind of energy. And that's not supportive for anyone. Yeah. And it's also like not a sustainable energy to be creating from. So anyways, I feel like that was a beautiful tangent as they always are. Next. It's the full moon.

Next tangent. I have no idea what this full moon is about. It's funny because I feel like every episode we apologize for our ignorance around this stuff. And we keep saying we're going to learn, we're going to learn. And like, I know I haven't even like looked into this month. I have no idea what's going on in the sky right now. I hear Aubrey at my door and I think it's locked. I'm going to let her say hi.

It wouldn't be an using the magic episode without Aubrey or Zoe. Yeah. Hi, sweetheart. Yeah, anyways, so we'll move on. Zoe's not here today. No, she's at the beach with her dad. Hi, Aubrey. Do you want to go find Grandpa?

Where'd Grandpa go? Where'd Grandpa go? I wish you all could just see the face Aubrey made. Oh my gosh. When Nicole asked her if she wanted to go find grandpa, it was like, uh, I don't think so. So yeah, so it's the full moon. To be honest, I actually thought the full moon wasn't until like next week somehow I don't know yeah that just goes to show how um like deep in a very like low energy no capacity only like looking inward kind of season I've been in since since probably the last I guess since I got home from my trip to Ontario for my brother's wedding which was at the end of April which would have been the last full moon. And I can like completely relate with all of that

too. Like for anyone that's following me on Instagram, like I decided and committed to a bit of an Instagram sabbatical that started on May 1st, which was also the first day of my menstrual cycle. So yeah, I've been technically like offline for what, like three weeks. I don't even know. I'm looking at a calendar and trying to count almost four weeks, I think. And yeah, just reflecting, I guess on, I mean, you said it all better, just like this very like inwards introspective state. And then of course, like sickness and traveling, like all of it has really brought me into the present moment and has really like heightened my awareness of, okay, what are my values? What are my priorities right now? What am I doing? And at times it feels like this almost like identity crisis of like, what am I doing? And a lot of fear and insecurity is also coming up with all that, which is a scary place to be. There's been a lot of negative spiraling on my end. I shared with you today that I'm actually feeling quite a bit better today. And

like, as the week has gone by, like I feel a little bit lighter and a little bit clearer but the first couple weeks of May were honestly kind of dark for me and um it definitely wasn't what I was expecting with being offline I was expecting to kind of get this reset and this um opportunity to kind of refuel myself and like maybe tap into just like this beautiful blissful like creative outpour and I haven't experienced any of that so as time continues to keep going that like sense of urgency is creeping in and that like when's it gonna come what if it never comes back and really what I'm taking away from all that is honestly like this season of motherhood for me the season of life with Dylan's like transition of job jobs jobs I don't even know grammatically grammatically how I should say that um like

it's a hard season and my capacity is full like my plate is full. So it's no wonder that some businessy stuff is kind of what's being pushed aside. And there's a mix of like peace with that, because I think like logically I can just see so clearly that, well, yeah, of course you don't have like the capacity to show up in your business the way you want to right now but there's also a lot of frustration a lot of like just I don't know like why is this happening like why didn't I set myself up better so I suppose there's some some shaming happening even though I didn't realize that was happening and also some illumination I guess of where I'm feeling under supported in my life and where I might be teetering into like resentment in different relationships in my life so it's this opportunity and invitation to tend to those relationships and like it's really just

this big thing that I think a lot of a lot of women probably experience but it's not talked a lot about and it's so easy to quickly internalize it as like failing or something's wrong with me or I I must like be giving up or um yeah I don't even know like yeah yeah and like in motherhood the only thing that we can be so certain about is that it's going to change. Like you get used to, you're at the mercy of a rhythm that's not your own really. Like the rhythm of your toddler, the rhythm of your family. And with so much change happening, like for you specifically, you're in a new phase of motherhood right now. So it makes sense that your business, like everything, not just your business, everything needs a little bit of reorganization, all of your priorities, everything. And I think it's when we kind of fight against that, that, like you said, we start to feel like we're failing when really it's like a moment to pause. It's communication. It's saying, okay, whoa, we got to like pump the brakes for a second here because we need to have a look at all of this again um and I and I feel like which like hearing a lot that's exactly kind

of what led me to this Instagram sabbatical is is I I felt all this building up and I felt myself um kind of creeping into some kind of state of burnout and I knew that things kind of needed to be shaken up to settle back into place so I knew there needed to be kind of some shifts and some restructuring and some recalibration and then yeah like May just kind of continued to like dump little bits of chaos onto me and I mean that's how life goes right life just keeps lifing and yeah it's it is this opportunity of Kate how do I want to react here like am I gonna be reactive and almost like defensive and resistive to this or can I just like soften and kind of surrender almost feels too passive because obviously like I'm not just completely

like oh whatever happens happens like I'm still consciously creating my life and like fine-tuning the things around me and tending to the things that are important to me but there is a sense of peace and a sense of trust that this won't last forever. And I, yeah, like that sense of trust is really quick to kind of flutter away. And I constantly have to re-tap into it to kind of like ground myself and like, just remember like why I'm doing what I'm doing and like what my values are and what my purpose is and where I want to go yeah in life and motherhood and as an entrepreneur all the things so yeah it's a lot like it it is it feels like I'm holding a lot of space for myself which I am so obviously that's why it feels that

way but even with that said like it makes it feel almost impossible to hold space for others right now which is a really scary scary feeling to have as an online coach right my job right now is to hold space for others and I'm kind of having to put that on pause um yeah and there was a lot of fear going into this Instagram sabbatical because without realizing it like I've put so much weight on showing up online and like Instagram essentially being like my marketing machine and like that's how people find me that's how people can stay connected to me that's how people can to learn like what offerings I have and so without that there was a lot of fear of like what's going to happen to my business and I think since I'm now in it like three four weeks in like that's all settling

there's less fear like I've already stayed connected with some really cool humans. And like, I know everything is going to be exactly the same as I left it whenever I'm ready to return and like just full trust that I'll be able to return in a like fuller, more expressive, more embodied and authentic like version of myself so and I want to celebrate you because I think what you're doing is embodying like embodying a more feminine approach to business right we're not you're not giving in to that pressure that says you need to hustle and push through it no matter what and which is why I feel so uncomfortable. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because you're literally, literally breaking chains of conditioning right now, Nicole. So it's big and, and it's easy to kind of get stuck in

that, in that like overanalyzing it, right? Like overanalyzing it, questioning it. Why is this happening? Why am I doing this? And almost like it's easy to teeter into overanalyzing as a way to protect yourself from feeling those uncomfortable emotions. Well, that's exactly what it is. Like what's that saying that I've been seeing going around, like overthinking is underfeeling. Yeah. Right. So the overanalyzing is totally like a safety mechanism to kind of like have this false sense of control too. When like truly like there is very little control over what's happening right now. And yeah. So yeah, here I am. How about you? Well, I think it's so funny. Like we said, we hadn't talked in like a month and then we had a

quick chat. When was it? Like last week or on the weekend? What day is it? A couple of days ago. Yeah. I don't know. A couple of days ago. And we, I started talking and you're just like, oh my gosh, like we've, we've been having like a parallel, very similar experience without knowing it. Because like I said, we, we hadn't even been like texting, messaging, nothing for so long. So yeah, I've been having a very, yeah, it's been kind of like a dark month. I mean, I got back from Ontario. I was, I got really sick, probably the sickest, like I had a flu, probably the sickest I've been as long as I can remember. Like didn't have a full on fever,

but had all like the signs of a fever and the symptoms of a fever. My skin hurt. Like, you know, when you touch, you like rub your arm and it literally just like, it hurts. Fever, like chills, fatigue, all of it. And it is now May 23rd. It's like a month later and I still have nasal congestion. So I think I have a little bit of a lingering like sinusitis. So it's just felt never, never ending. But I spent, you know, when I was in the thick of that flu, I literally couldn't leave the couch. Like I was so exhausted. I watched nothing but TV. Like we had the TV on all day because mothering when you're sick is impossible. And I had no help. My husband had to go to work. I had to be alone with Zoe

for a couple of days there. So it was rough, but I think it kind of almost got me stuck in that place of being low energy, lethargic, not wanting to like take any information in, like just wanted to binge watch Orange is the New Black. And yeah, so then it kind of spiraled into this very like negative self-talk. I was feeling really low about my body, body image, my hair, how I look, wrinkles, like all of these things that, you know, never really bother me that much. Or if they do, it's very fleeting, but this just felt extra heavy. And I literally like, I felt bloated. And at the same time as this, I've started working with Jerry, who's an amazing copywriter. She's helping me out with writing the, uh, copy for my website. So I've got this big project kind of going behind the scenes, which is really making

me look at my whole business, you know, from, with a really like large lens and, and figuring out my messaging and really what it is that I'm doing and who I'm serving and putting language to that. So it's big, it feels big and it feels scary. And it feels like I've been, you know, those, those three weeks of me being very low energy inward, not doing a whole lot of anything. Now I can look back and know that, you know, that is really how my creative process works. And I've, I don't know if I've shared it on, on this podcast before, but like, I've really come to realize that what I used to call like procrastination and freeze and shut down even, um, I think is much more tied into my own process of creativity than I, than I really realized. Um, it, it looking back now, it really felt like I was gestating

something. Like I was literally bloated. Like I, my stomach was just so bloated for those three weeks too. And sure. There's probably a million reasons, other reasons why too, but it's like, I was truly like something was percolating underneath and, and now, you know, I'm also today I'm on day 14. I've got lots to say, as you can maybe tell as Nicole's talking, I'm like taking so many notes. Cause I've got too many thoughts going through my head and I don't want to forget one. And like, you should see the paper in front of me. Whereas three weeks ago, there was like not a single, you know, great thought flying through my head at all. So it's just so funny. I think that shift in energy, I'm feeling so much more now because of how I was feeling before, which

was really, really low. So anyway, see, you can tell I'm just a little bit like the words can't get out fast enough right now. So yeah, day 14, feeling very energized, feeling a huge, huge shift in my mental clarity, everything. And the writing of my website is now feeling like, I feel like I'm on the cusp of a lot of clarity and I've already had so much kind of come through. And so, yeah, it's like looking back, I was in a very, very much a contraction phase before this expansion and it happens all the time. And yet every time I'm so, so, so like so surprised by it and like taken aback by it. Um, yeah. I will say though, like with each cycle and each time you experience this, you called it a rollercoaster in our text earlier this week, right? These like really harsh and

drastic highs and lows, this, this deep, dark, tight contraction followed by this kind of like floaty blissful expansion. I feel like each time you're experiencing this, you are quicker to realize, oh yeah, like nothing's wrong here. This is exactly how it's supposed to be. This is how creation moves through me. And so like I can kind of sense that like it's, I can kind of sense that those like dark, contractive moments hopefully are maybe getting less scary and you're, you're having an easier time remembering that like this too shall pass and

that this is necessary for the expansion yeah um yeah and I already noticed I also wanted to you go ahead I will fold my thought I was just gonna say I already noticed that like during this whole kind of dark time like yes I had a lot of you know the inner critic was online very much so but there was much less of this like worrying that this is just who I am. Like the story was a little less attached to it. I was much more able to just be in it and like, okay, this is how I'm feeling right now. Cool. Let's just be in it. Yeah. I'm glad you said that because that kind of weaves into what I was about to switch gears into and I wanted to circle back to your share kind of around the body image stuff and how when you shared that with me a couple days ago I was like

oh wow like I've been experiencing that too and I've kind of been um thinking that maybe it has to do with like the change in seasons and how we're kind of coming into summer and so that means like I'm I'm wearing different clothes and I just noticing that like, I don't love the clothes I'm wearing. I don't love the way they fit me. They just don't feel right. And then of course, that turns into like, my body, I don't love my body. And those are very new and unfamiliar feelings for me. I don't usually have like, body image stuff. Like I've, yeah, I don't even know how to word that and I feel privileged to even be able to say that um but another thing that's been sneaking in is this this mom guilt which again is something that I've never completely resonated with I feel like I've always been able to just

kind of zoom out and see the situation and not really internalize it as guilt. And yeah, that this, these waves of guilt have been creeping in for me and coupled with the body image stuff and like some other things that have been happening, I'm realizing as I look at it a little bit deeper, it's all coming down to this like sense of self-worth and my worthiness to take up space um and so I'll share a couple examples like the body image stuff I think is one of them but um I attended a sound bath um I don't remember when beginning of the month um and this is my first time going to a sound bath. That's beside the point. The point is, is I was in person with this kind of community of like-minded humans, which I really haven't been putting myself in those spaces for a long, long time. And I feel

like there's been so much shifts for me in my identity and just who I am in this world over the past couple years and this was a really like big moment for me to be around these kind of people and someone asked me like what do you do and like I completely froze I completely um felt like lost and stuck and insecure and I'm'm like, I don't know, like, I don't feel confident in what I'm doing right now. I feel like I'm still in this stage and season of figuring things out and still trying to find like my place as like an online coach and in like the business world and the motherhood space and all of it. And yeah, just really noticed that there was this really big discomfort in being seen and um that like as I was kind of just like reflecting on it after like I realized like part of it is

this worthiness to take up space like I'm I'm almost like not feeling worthy to take up space as who I am right now. And that was a little bit hard to digest. I feel like it's gotten a little bit less charged. I'm able to just, yeah, like speak about it a bit more and try to kind of make sense of it, but also realizing that I don't need to make sense of it and I can just kind of be with it. And the other, what was the other thing? There was something else that I was going to share that also kind of uh circled to the same thing around like that sense of of worth and taking up space and mom guilt okay yeah so there was also mom guilt with being at the sound bath which is weird

because like I've left the house I've done things but this was different this was in the evening um I had like left laundry in I had just washed our our bedding because we were just getting over being sick and stuff and so I was like cleaning the house and washing everything and so I basically left Dylan with like an unmade bed and told him like you'll have to make the bed and he's fully capable of doing laundry and making the bed but that's been one of like the roles that I happily take on like I actually don't mind laundry and like he does other stuff like that that's usually my lane so there was almost like this sense of guilt of making him do that there was this sense of guilt that I went to an event and I told Dylan like I'm not going to be on my phone like if you need to reach me like you can't reach

me I've never had that situation yet before where like I can't be reached and then um also in that same week when we were sick like I in in one of my um like lowest moments of being sick I needed Dylan to stay home and there was a sense of guilt that I needed to ask him to stay home and it's like whoa where's that coming from like like I said these are these are feelings that I've never really resonated with and they felt so unfamiliar um and like I said as I've kind of zoomed out and looked at it all and looked at the context of everything it's all stemming back to this worthiness of taking up space. So, so interesting. And now we are, I've kind of been going down some rabbit holes.

Like I said, like some things need to shift in our lives. I'm at max capacity. This season of motherhood is tough. So I'm going down the rabbit hole of looking at potentially like part-time preschools and like what that might look like. And does it actually align with my values? Or is this really just this moment of panic that I need more help I don't know but with it all that here comes the guilt of like who am I to need outside help I chose the stay-at-home mom life I chose to quit my

super stable and secure nursing job and it's like well wait, wait a minute, Nicole, like you also chose to build your own online business and to like show up as that identity. And it's so, so interesting, just the friction that's coming up and yeah, like the worthiness of taking up space. So it's coming down to like not feeling worthy to needing external help and that I should be able to do it all my own because I've done it for two and a half years. And yeah. Yeah. And I think like you said it, like it, I think what's at the core of a lot of those guilt feelings is feeling like we're supposed to be able to do it all. And like everything you just said, like I'm shocked, right? Like you're a stay-at-home mom full-time. Okay, there's one full-time job. You're also trying to build a business, like full-time, like not really full-time because

you're still a stay-at-home mom. It's not like you have her in daycare or have care for her every single day. No, you're doing both at the exact same time. Like in a lot of ways, it's a recipe for burnout, right? Like thinking that you can do two full-time jobs at the same time. And I think this is what is so hard about being moms of young children who aren't in school, who are also trying to build businesses. We're comparing ourselves a lot of the time to, who are also trying to build businesses. We're comparing ourselves a lot of the time to people who are in completely different phases of both motherhood and of business. We're comparing our beginnings to their like expert era 10 years in, and we're

comparing our like toddler mom life or baby mom life to their like, you know, kids are in school eight hours a day, five days a week. So it's just, it's hard. It's really, really hard. This phase of both motherhood and building a business, they're both very hard in their own ways. And they're especially hard when you put them together. Totally. And like, I think some of the frustration that comes up is like, I know all this, right? This is like a big part of what my business is built on. And I think what I've also noticed is how quick I am to kind of gaslight myself and start comparing my hard to other people's hard or even like, thinking about like some of my close friends who are full-time working moms and have to put their kid in full-time child care not out of desire but out of like a necessity and so kind of like respecting the privilege I have to be at home with my kid and not wanting to abuse it and it's just this weird there's just like like a lot of friction. And yeah, obviously in the moments when I'm kind of going down those more negative spirals, it's, it's a little bit heavier. And then there's moments like today where I can kind of completely

unattach myself to any of the stories and just see the things as they're coming up and the thoughts as they come and they go. And like, yeah, it's, it's interesting. It's a wild ride. And yeah, I don't know. Like, I know, I know I'm not alone in this. So that's why I'm, I'm feeling brave to talk about it, but I also would be lying if like, I didn't say that. It kind of feels like, I don't want to say it's like feeling like I'm failing, but there's definitely some, I guess, like feelings of being a fraud. Like, who am I to then coach other women to essentially find balance and in conscious entrepreneurship and motherhood when I'm not finding the balance right now but I can also see that no this is part of it like and like you shared before like I'm embodying kind of a more feminine embodied business and that involves these moments of pause and these these pockets of rest and um yeah taking time off line and just not being on all the time and

yeah yeah so I mean with all that like I'm proud of myself when I can zoom out and see it that way but it's also heavy at times for sure you're doing it your way which is you know I've been in I've been in your containers and that's one of your biggest like messages, right? Is figuring out how you want to do it your way. And that's what you're doing. You're just in the hard part where it's like, okay, I need to figure out something different here because we're in a new phase and something needs to shift. And I think that's where the fear creeps in so it's not so much like a fear of failing as it is like a fear of what if this doesn't work or like what if my way isn't right so it's it's more self-doubt um if I had to kind

of bring language to it it's self-doubt it's like what if this isn't working what if the path I've kind of cultivated for myself is, yeah, I don't know. Like, it's not like I feel like I'm going in the wrong direction. It's just, it feels like that path is really thick with whatever is on paths. And I have a lot of cutting down to do. And I mean, it makes perfect sense because we, we literally are like trailblazing. Yes. Yeah. There's no one to look at. Yeah. So that's where the fear comes in. It's like, oh shit, what am I doing? Yeah. Is this working? Yeah. And yeah, I don't know. I feel like I could go on and on and on, but it also, I'm like in the thick of it. So I don't have like the happy ending or the solution yet. Yeah. And that's okay. Yeah. Yeah. It's uncomfortable,

but it's okay. Yeah. Yeah. Where are you in your cycle right now? I think we're usually pretty close. I'm on day. No, my cycle has been getting shorter, which is interesting. And this is, I mean, I could do a whole episode talking about kind of the things that led me to realize, oh shit, like I'm teetering into burnout. I need to make some changes. And one of them was some of like the physical stuff going on. Like my cycle is getting shorter,

which I mean, that might not be a bad thing, but just noticing the shift and just a change in appetite and a change in cravings there was some um like digestive stuff going on and my skin's been breaking out more I mean all the common signs of like stress right so not sleeping great like all of that and so yeah anyways to answer your question I'm on day um well my my cycle started on the first so I'm like in line with the month so today's whatever day it is Thursday May 23rd so I'm on day 23. Oh wow yeah we're so far apart now.

Yeah like exactly somehow we're nine days apart and we used to be just a couple days so yeah also obviously taking that with a grain of salt right I'm in my luteal phase now um where we're living in this full moon energy yeah um and honestly I feel pretty good but I've noticed that like my luteal my luteal phase has felt good for me the last couple of cycles, which is really, really cool. My inner critic is less online or like you so beautifully articulated, like even when it's there, like I'm able to not attach to the stories that she's kind of telling me. And as I get closer and closer to my bleed, and this is also kind of in line with the full moon energy like I just almost feel this this sense of clarity around like my inner knowing and there's almost like a a sprinkle of courage that comes through me where I'm ready to kind of finalize some of my decisions that I've probably

been overthinking all month long and ready to kind of, yeah, just like kind of complete things and tie things up. And that's totally in line with luteal energy. So yeah, it feels good. Yeah, it's funny. I get this weird sense of confidence. Yeah, it's like you get these little sparks of and I've been noticing that a lot in these last few days, as I'm even like writing this copy for my website, getting these hits of like, oh, I can, I don't have it yet, but I can feel the clarity I'm about to have. And it's, it's almost like they're little, what's the word? It's like, it's like a piece of your higher self kind of tapping you on your shoulder not not your like younger wounded

self running the show in those moments and it's like you get these little yeah visions of what could be what will be um when you're kind of letting that part of you run the show drive the car yeah yeah yeah well I think that's exactly it. It's like, yeah, like that, that higher version of myself, whatever you want to call that. I don't like higher very much, but I know me neither. Like I don't resonate with that language at all, but I feel like she's in the driver's seat and I've, I've kind of worked really hard at making that shift in my life and like having her be in the driver's seat for not just my choices in motherhood and like the actions of being a conscious mother, but also like

a business owner and a wife and like bringing her on more trips, if we want to use the car analogy and allowing that inner critic and like the fear and whatever else, those other parts of ourselves, the perfectionist to still be there, but they're just not in the driver's seat anymore. Yeah. Yeah. They feel safe. They, they, they, you've got this, that they're okay to, to calm down, to let those protective survival mechanisms, you know, like turn the dial down. It's all good. Yeah. Yeah. And what I'm, what I'm really hearing in a lot of what you're sharing about, you know, the stress that you're in, like you've used the word burnout, like it just sounds like you're in a season of needing a bit of a reset and a season of self-tending of where you're just, you know, worried about yourself for a little while. Getting yourself feeling nourished and supported in whatever way that looks like. And I know figuring out what that looks

like is so hard um yeah yeah and going back to that word burnout because that's something that I've actually been trying not to use as often because I feel like it does kind of have that negative energy around it and it's kind of been pathologized and something that needs to be fixed or something that's wrong you've done something wrong and so I can be really quick to go down that way of thinking when I'm using the language of burnout and instead I'm truly recognizing that like when I look at the context of what's going on for me this all does make sense and so like the appropriate response and like the most loving and compassionate thing I can do to myself, my family, my business,

my nervous system is to create this space for pause, for rest, for reflection, for yeah, that deep and tender self-care and indulgence and all the things that I think on paper we know we need to be doing, but they're always the first things that get pushed aside. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. That's where I'm at. Yeah. And space to just feel right. That's the, the biggest one is to just letting those feelings be there as much as you can yeah yeah I feel bad because I have to cut this episode short and I feel like we could go on and on and on yeah and I would have loved to um yeah I don't know maybe somehow bring more value to our listeners but we also just talked about how like no we don't do that like just in deep trust that like our our shares and our our experiences here are yeah

are valuable in some way and maybe maybe just sort of like a way to wrap it up you know like refocusing back on that kind of full moon energy. Like, is there anything that you want to release or let go of or something that you're ready to just be completed? And if there's not, that's okay too. Yeah. Well, yeah. And I think like, that's exactly kind of what I'm experiencing right now is that illumination of what's ready to be complete so kind of that that confidence in my inner knowing of like what next steps I need to take and that like we do need to make some shifts in our family dynamics and potentially potentially in like child care for Aubrey and what my like office hours can look like right like it's all of that so I think the the hard part and the magical part is actually following through on these things yeah because they're here for me if I choose to listen and again just like

tapping into that self-trust of like yeah I can do this and I can trust myself even when these decisions feel really scary. Even when these decisions feel borderline delusional and countercultural. And yeah, just reminding myself like you had already said, like I'm literally like breaking chains of buttloads of conditioning here. So no wonder some of it feels so scary and hard yeah and uncomfortable yeah yeah what about for you um yeah I think I'm just yeah letting ready to let go of this like last month of permitting that I've been doing um and not even hermiting it's more like I like to shift shift that and know that I was, something was percolating, you know, and letting go of that, knowing that I'm ready to kind of like

bloom again and knowing that it's going to be a cycle and I'll be back here again, probably next month, but who knows. Right. And knowing that, trusting that I can just ride those waves, um, and really tapping into, like I said, those little, little blips of like vision that I can just ride those waves. Um, and really tapping into, like I said, those little, little blips of like vision that I see of this version of myself that I'm very excited to embody more of. Um, and I can feel that it's like, it's there it's, it's, it's coming. Something is about to majorly shift. And knowing that that like in order to tap into those little visions like you have to continue to stay present and open and like shush out the outside world enough so you can hear all that right yeah um I do seriously have to go okay but one last thing

I wanted to just talk about is around like the seasons of cyclical embodiment and everything she can come in it's fine um I'm almost done Aubrey's back yay um just around like so as we're kind of attuning ourselves to the cycles and like you just mentioned like you feel yourself coming out of this like hermiting phase and you're ready to kind of start taking action and be more visible and within all that like we get to prepare and kind of brace ourself for the next season and I feel like that's only possible because we've we've started reflecting and paying attention to these patterns um so like you know what's next you know um kind of like the level of energy that will be required from you and um that like as new seeds are planted like those seeds need to be protected just like

seeds being planted in the spring and like yeah all of that yeah and like bracing bracing yourself for what's to come without like expecting it either, you know, and falling into that trap of like, well, why aren't I feeling that energy burst of ovulation or whatever it is. I feel like it's exactly like nature though, right? Like we know when winter's coming and there's things that you do to prepare for that season, but you don't actually have any idea how cold it's actually going to be or how many inches of snow are going to fall. Yeah. Yeah. It's all of that so with that okay okay thank you okay if if anything we've talked about in this episode

resonates or ignites something in you in some way or another hop into our dms let's start a conversation we'd love to hear from you see you next time