REWILD + FREE - 55. HAPPY (RE)BIRTH DAY TO ME

Episode Date: October 1, 2024

Today is my daughter's 3rd birthday which means I'm entering my 4th year of motherhood and celebrating another rebirth and deepening into my truest self This episode is a reflection of the past 3 years on my self-reclamation journey and a bit of declaration as to where I'm going, what kind of work I want to bring into this world, and who I want to work with I explore how motherhood and entrepreneurship have been a catalyst for profound personal and spiritual growth, bringing about continuous cycles of rebirth and self-discovery As always, I'd love to know what stirs for you or what lands. DM me on IG (@nicolepasveer)

You're listening to Rewild and Free. This is the go-to podcast for conscious and holistic mother entrepreneurs who are ditching society's to-do list for intentional living, freedom, and abundance, while creating impact and legacy in their home and business. If we haven't met yet, I'm Nicole Pasvir, your like-hearted mom friend and biz bestie wrapped in one. I'm an ex-nurse turned matrescence guide and business coach, leading women just like you into the new paradigm, where thriving in motherhood is your birthright and so is a successful and sustainable online business keep listening if you're ready to unsubscribe from patriarchal motherhood bro marketing and boss babe culture because in this space we use nature as our framework as we move

towards feminine embodied business development cyclical orientation and slow living together let's rewild and remember as we break free from survival and reconnect to what truly matters. Okay friend, steep your tea and take the most loving breath you've given to yourself today and let's go. Hello, hello, you are joining me for another Instagram live slash podcast recording. This is working for me. I basically set up my phone so I can see myself and you all get to join me if you want to. And I have GarageBand recording my audio so it can be a podcast episode that I don't have to edit because that's the problem is when I just like sit in front of my microphone and talk into the abyss I just can't like I just go in too many

I mean either way I go in too many places but this sort of helps me stay a little bit grounded and it removes the opportunity for my perfectionist self to want to edit and say things over again so yeah going live just kind of yeah it forces me to just be present and allow whatever's coming through to come through without criticizing myself and all the things that come with that so come join me if you're on Instagram otherwise this will be episode something on the Rewild and Free podcast. And I'm feeling really buzzy today. Today is a really good day.

Today is my daughter's third birthday, which also marks my fourth year into motherhood. That's wild. And I keep having to like make sure I'm doing the math right. Like if she's turning three, yes, that means this is the beginning of my fourth year. So I have completed three years. I'm three years in, which is wild. I have been reflecting so deeply the past couple of days, the past couple of weeks leading up to this. I don't know if everyone experiences this, but my kid's birth is a really cathartic experience, or birthday is a really cathartic experience for me. I kind of make it more about me than about her, which is fun because right now she really doesn't understand anything

more than just like balloons and cake. Obviously we have balloons and we have cake um but for me it's it's just a really the whole season I call this like birth season or rebirth season more accurately because it was a major rebirth for me um pregnancy and birth were just a major catalyst into this journey that I'm now on and I don't necessarily have a name for it. I don't know if it's a spiritual awakening or a, I don't know. It's, it's, it's big, whatever it is, it's big and I'm still on it. I'm, yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know if there's an ending to it. I think that's kind of what I'm, I'm learning right now is that there isn't a final destination. There isn't an arrival. There isn't a completion. Each year I just get to spiral deeper and deeper into

understanding myself and getting closer and closer to just like my true essence and my soul's like fullest expression and like my aliveness. And that's a really beautiful thing to get to witness. I'm so grateful for my own self-awareness and my ability to kind of zoom out a bit and watch myself as like a radical witness instead of being in it all the time um I mean self-awareness is a blessing and a curse it's a real bitch sometimes because you're just constantly watching yourself do things that maybe you know you could do differently um but that's a big part of it too is it's not even about like doing things differently or doing things right or wrong.

And for me, the past couple of years have been a lot of unlearning, a lot of, um, unmasking for lack of a better word, a lot of like, wait a minute, this no longer fits me. Like, I don't actually believe this anymore. I don't actually value this anymore. I don't actually prioritize this anymore and with that comes ego deaths and ego deaths are I mean maybe they mean something for other people but like for me it's it's sometimes this like mini identity crisis and not even mini because in the moment it can feel really really big and it can feel really really scary because on the other side you don't know who you're becoming it's like walking into this

blank space this void and shedding all the layers of yourself um that no longer fit that no longer serve that no no longer support what you value and like the life you are trying to lead and you feel naked and you feel um I know for me I usually have a sense of insecurity and self-doubt and like oh my god like am I making the right decision am I actually ready to let this go where am I next? And like there's that moment of really wanting to be saved. There's that moment of wanting to be a victim and wanting some like prince charming to just like swoop up and like save you. And at the same time, like you don't want that at all. Like there's this inner knowing and this inner confidence that I think sometimes gets distorted

just by all the fears and the fears of being perceived, the fears of being judged, the fear of what you are going to have to give up in the sense of relationships and maybe in the sense of hobbies or like things that you used to do that no longer actually feel good and it really is this like stripping away of a piece of your identity and so there's there's a lot of um like scariness in that because you don't know what it looks like on the other side and it is so so so reflective of my own birth experience and just how you like there's no way to get through birth except to just like keep moving forward and to um just kind of allow your body to do what it needs to do to get through the next contraction and then to get

through transition and then to get through like the pushing stage and then you have no idea what's coming on the other side like I mean you have an idea you know that there's going to be a baby and that like your family is now growing by one person but spiritually and energetically you have no idea what's on the other side but you keep doing it anyways right you don't like stop the pregnancy you don't like stop birth and be like no I don't actually want to do this anymore um and anyways like this is just me trying to explain what an ego death feels like and so an ego death is literally like like giving birth to a new version of myself um and so I think when people are speaking about like a rebirth that's sort of

what they're talking about at least that's that's my own interpretation of it and so yeah the past three years of motherhood um I've just been reflecting on on my own rebirth and the fact that I continue to rebirth it wasn't just like once and done. It's this like deepening. And every year around this time, I can feel it like it feels the exact same as it did three years ago. Where I can just feel it's like, I don't know, like, I don't know what it's like to be a snake. But if I were a snake, and I were like about to shed my skin I don't think that snake is like oh my god I don't want to shed my skin I think the snake just like knows like okay this is the next thing to do it's time there's this inner knowing of like it's time and fear does creep in like I said but that fear is coming from the outside world and it's coming

from other people's projections so um yeah I feel like I'm just embodying my my wise inner snake right now and I can sense that it's time it's time to shed some of these layers it's time to rebirth a new version of myself again um and this closely falls into my journey in entrepreneurship and business creation as well, where there are also constant rebirths and ego deaths. Um, so I feel like I've gotten really comfortable with this. I've gotten really familiar with it. I've gotten to a place in my life where I just kind of see it as part of the process and part of my own cycle and truly it is like part of the cycle of creation um I just kind of talked about like what that looks like in birth but if we even think about nature and how um the seasons right there's

spring summer winter fall and or fall winter and fall is like a time of letting go and winter is kind of this beautiful season for introspection and bareness and blankness before you set foot into a new season of growth and visibility and potentially change and yeah it's just this it's just a cycle and so really leaning into fall energy and I feel lucky that my daughter's birthday is in the fall because I get to really lean into that just in the sense of like outside is also mirroring it back to me and helping me to orient to the safety that is, that exists in like letting go and the safety that exists in letting things die off of you to make space for new growth, letting things die off of you to help you like recalibrate and recenter yourself to what feels more in alignment and so anyways what I wanted to

actually talk about today is just my own reflections from the past year and just how there have been so many things that have happened in the past couple years. I mean, I really do see like pregnancy and birth as like the catalyst and like the start of it all for me. But since then, there's been so many big things, whether it's been kind of a milestone or it's been like a big stressor, whatever it is, like I've just been like, I guess, gleaning the lessons and gleaning the wisdom from the lessons that I've taken from those experiences and I can't help but see just so clearly how every single thing is just bringing me closer to where I'm going and it's just really really cool to get to see it that way and get to

pay gratitude to all those experiences and so I don't want to bore you I don't want to go into super great detail of all the experiences but I do kind of want to go down memory lane over the past three years and just speak some of these things into existence because maybe maybe there's some shared experience in them or maybe you have experienced like a similar flavor and um you haven't really been able to make sense of it or make meaning of it and yeah maybe maybe what I'm about to talk about will help with that I also want to say that like some things pattern my natural tendency is to overanalyze and overthink and it's all in an attempt to like connect dots and make things make sense like my

brain needs things to make sense it feels really unsafe when things don't make sense and so a part of what I've been practicing over the last like year is finding safety in that discomfort finding safety in the discomfort of like this doesn't make sense I don't understand why this is happening to me I don't understand why blah blah blah blah is my current experience and I feel like the faster I am at surrendering to that the sooner I actually get the lesson the lesson drops in the insights do drop in and anyways here I am rambling I'm gonna have a sip of tea and I figure my life out for a second I feel like in these lives I get distracted because there's people popping in and out and then there's like little wave buttons and like I don't actually

know who's still here and then I also have my garage band open and there's the little timer thing and I can see that I've already been talking for almost 14 minutes. Actually I don't think that's accurate because whatever. Anyways hello to those of you that are here. Grab a cup of tea if you don't have one. Let's have tea together. I'm going down memory lane as I'm celebrating three years of motherhood and really like it's not that I'm celebrating three years of motherhood yeah I'm damn proud of myself that I've survived we've made it this far Aubrey is alive and well and she is this beautiful little tiny human and I'm so proud of who she's becoming but um more than that I'm just so proud of who I'm becoming. And like I was saying earlier,

I feel like I make her birthday more about me. And yeah, I don't know. I guess, yeah, I'm going to keep running with it. I think that's really important because the birth of a baby really does change you. And so their birthday is an opportunity to create ritual around that date and that anniversary of your own rebirth. So really, this is just a celebration of my rebirth. And yeah, so, okay, what do I want to share here? night I sat with my journal um and it's funny sometimes I have a lot of resistance to journaling sometimes it feels like something that's just on my to-do list or one of those things of like I know it's good for me I know something will come through if I just like sit down pen to paper and other times it feels really easy and I really don't

try to force it on the days I'm feeling resistance because if it doesn't feel good, like that, I'm not have literally, like, six pages. And I'm not actually going to, like, really look at them again, but they're there. And it was just really cool to see how easy it was for me to find gratitude in all of this and the abundance of relationship and, like, deep connections that I've made over the past couple years and like I was saying like even the things that have felt hard and like the big stressors over the past couple years just seeing what they brought me to and how they had to happen like I almost see it like if you're in I don't know it's almost like if you're walking through a corn maze and each turn or each like dead end you get there you're like oh like there's that moment of self-doubt or like

this moment of oh shit like do we turn around or again that moment of like I just want to be saved I want someone to grab my hand and like tell me where I need to go um but then there's also that opportunity of no I'm going to take the next step I'm going to go this way or I'm going to go that way, whatever it is in your version of the corn maze. And so as I'm kind of zooming out and reflecting on the last three years, I can see exactly how all those little turns and all those little dead ends have just brought me closer to whatever it is, wherever we're going. And that's really, really cool. So, yeah yeah looking back obviously birth and postpartum postpartum was a beautiful opportunity for me to for the first time in my

life practice the art of receiving um I think I've shared this story in other places but I had a doula hired and she was also part of the package included some postpartum hours I think I had like 12 postpartum hours and like on paper I was thriving things were going well like Aubrey was breastfeeding great I was healing great thing like things were good my husband took a month off work so like he was home and like I felt supported in that sense and I remember I think it was like the first or second visit when she came we ended up like just talking and in that moment like that's exactly what I needed I can see that so clearly now that what I really needed was just to be witnessed and just to have like an open heart and an open ear listening to the stuff that I was

working through um and again on paper I had a beautiful home water birth um as I reflect on it more I'm not going to use the word traumatic but it was intense and it was um pretty fast and there were walking away from birth I had this very big like oh shit like if I can do that what else can I do um and I realized that I was fearful of my own power. And that was really hard to digest. That was really hard to integrate. And I feel like only now am I beginning to integrate it. But just sharing that because in the first couple weeks postpartum, like, I had this longing to just try to make sense of my birth story and try to make sense of like this new world that I was living in and make sense of why everything felt so different and also like familiar at the same time it's almost like when you meet someone for the first time and you've like you feel like

you've known them forever so they're new yet they're familiar I feel like that was that was what I was experiencing and that was really hard to like find language for um but the point of this story is that my doula was there I was probably just talking non-stop she was listening it was great but there was a really big part of me that felt guilty like oh she didn't come here just to listen to me talk she didn't come here to just like sit and have tea with me she came here to like do postpartum doula-y things and in my head that meant I don't actually know what I thought that meant I think in my head that meant just more like hands-on support whether it was like helping me care for baby whether it was actually caring for baby while I could sleep maybe it was like housekeeping things maybe it was cooking I don't know I don't know what I really had in mind but there was this

this distortion in what my expectations were for me in that experience and what was actually happening and with that there was probably this mixture of grief and also this really big feeling of guilt and like this isn't how I'm supposed to use her time. This isn't a good use of her time. And what was really happening is like, I wasn't feeling safe to receive, oh, of course my dogs are going to play. Crosby and Piper, can you not right now, please? One second.

Now this is the awkward thing about a live because I'm good. Oh, I'll just take you with me. Oh, no, one second now this is the awkward thing about a live because I'm good oh I'll just take you with me well no one second let's go Crosby go play go go there and play so anyways what what I realized now was happening is I was having a really hard time just receiving her like emotional support I was having a hard time receiving her her ability to hold space for me and to just like see me I wasn't even allowing myself to be fully seen I remember I like tidied up my house and um like put dog toys away and like fluffed up the pillows and like put the kettle on all before she got there. Even though like I'm like, I don't know, like a week or two postpartum.

That's not what you're supposed to do. If you are pregnant right now or if you are planning for your postpartum, like sit your ass down. Like you do not need to do those things. Two weeks postpartum, four weeks post those things um two weeks postpartum four weeks postpartum six weeks postpartum like sit your ass down and rest and let yourself be supported by other people your job is to be with your baby um I wish someone would have finger pointed at me in that time because I needed to to hear it I I was having such a hard time allowing anybody to see me in my mess. I was allowing or I was having such a hard time allowing people to see me in the fragile, vulnerable place that I was.

And part of it was because I was not able to receive and I was not, um, yeah, allowing myself to be fully seen, even though I literally had hired support and hired a person to do just that and what's funny is I think I ended up telling her like I don't think I need you like I'm gonna donate my hours and please like use them for a family that really needs you and I laugh at that and I also can like hold myself so tenderly and with such deep compassion for that version of me because really I did need her and I was just gaslighting myself and that is such a common tendency of mine I know now so anyways there's that that was a really big thing for me during postpartum and it's kind of followed me it's still something that I'm working on and it's still something that I it comes into my awareness and it's still something that I um it comes into my awareness and it's kind of ready for me to deepen into and like let go a little bit more of that

that that fear of being seen and of course business has really um illuminated more of that for me so that's been a common theme over the past couple of couple years um another thing that really um became loud and alive for me was just seeing the the dysfunction in obviously the medical system that started in pregnancy I mean quite frankly that started in my career as a nurse but then um actually experiencing it as a pregnant person and then into postpartum, the dysfunction of our healthcare system, the imbalance of where society's values are and kind of like the obsession with the baby,

the obsession with how well the baby's sleeping and the obsession with ultimately the baby like growing up way faster than it should and becoming independent as fast as possible and the lack of reverence for the mother herself the lack of reverence for the rebirth that she is likely undergoing the lack of reverence for just her matrescence experience and all the different facets that come with that the spiritual changes the the physiologic changes the hormonal changes the oh shit like I don't know who I am anymore um that was really illuminated to me and I I could sense it and I knew that I wanted to potentially be part of rewriting the script for other mothers in that area and so that's where I kind of um I mean I'm

totally trying to speed up this story but long story short is like that was kind of what propelled me into um going into a doula training and then also going into a seasons of matrescence facilitator training I knew I just wanted to expand my knowledge on all of that and have some tools and resources to support other women following after me because I think we just need a lot of change in that department and so within all that like my eyes really open to um like the perfect mother myth and things like patriarchal motherhood and um like just how how blurred things like politics and health care and um religion and other like social and cultural norms have gotten and I guess it really began to light this fire in my belly around like social injustice and seeing it from like a greater a greater viewpoint and um this is tricky because I feel like as I'm trying to explain all this I want to be able to share it

in a linear way so it makes sense but my mind isn't seeing it in a linear way. So I'm just going to go with that. Because what's feeling alive right now is just the stuff that's happening in the world right now. And I mean, I could probably spend hours just talking about all of it. And we can just call it like social injustices, for lack of a better word. And how my heart just always gets pulled into. This is really all about like generational healing and. creating a new paradigm and like a new world a new new cultural norms for future generations because the way things are right now isn't working um I feel like if you're in my community like I don't need to preach that you know that you feel it too um the way things are going right now is not working. And yeah, the past three years have really opened my eyes to a lot of it. And I feel like I can't unsee what I see. And so for me, it's also pulled me into this, it's not even a passion.

It's like, this just feels like it's a part of me. This like, I don't know. I'm feeling lost for words right now. I've never identified as an activist. I was speaking of rebirth and how I feel like I'm rebirthing on a deeper level every year, this time of year. I knew that after my time offline, I knew that I was coming back as someone different. And I've been struggling to find the words for that. And so yesterday I was playing around with ChatGPT. And just, like, I use ChatGPT as if I'm texting a friend.

So I literally, like, talk to it like it's a friend. So I was like, hey, like, I think I want to change my Instagram bio. These are the things that I'm really feeling called to bring into my work. These are the things that are alive right now. This is what I want to do. Help me make a bio. And one of the things that spit out for me was sacred activist. And like I was just saying, I've never identified as an activist before.

I feel like activism is really loud and bold. And like you go to rallies and like you write letters and you I don't even know like I just have this picture and it's the stereotypical picture of like a loud activist and that loud activist is very dysregulating to my nervous system so like that is not me I don't have a desire to be like that in any way shape or form but I realized that deep down my heart my my values my mission in this in this lifetime all align with that of an activist and just this this wholehearted pursuit towards like collective liberation and this wholehearted pursuit towards creating a new paradigm for future generations and so when chat gpt suggested that i identify as a sacred activist

uh i actually was like okay i think i can get on board with this i'm gonna try it on for size so um i have a new bio if you guys want to check it out sacred activist is in there and I think I'm gonna run with it because truly like all of the stuff that is lighting me up lately does have to do with activism and um yeah coming back to just the past three years and different things in my life that have kind of pulled me closer to this sacred activist identity. Back in the winter, being terminated for a coaching position because I spoke out about Palestine. That was a very uncomfortable season of my life and I can come out of it

feeling more aligned than ever in the sense of wanting to bring anti-racism work and just just this untangling and dismantling of the systems systems of oppression that we're all existing in and illuminating like internalized patriarchy and internalized ableism and internalized racism and like what that looks like showing up as mothers and showing up as like heart-led business owners and again the impact that it has on future generations and I think if I didn't have that experience my eyes would have remained closed on like a really big piece of that and that piece is really just beginning to see the fracture that was illuminated in a very popular business model that many many people use and just seeing the

the constant state of extraction that is still happening in in business even when someone claims themselves as like heartless or spiritual or like feminine whatever the word is like there's still a lot of the word that's coming to mind is like integrity. There's a lack of integrity and I see that as doing a lot of harm just in like the coaching space. I mean, I'm talking about online coaching space because that's where I hang out. I'm sure this is also applicable in other spaces, but I hang out in like the online coaching space specifically with a lot of coaches that provide like mother supportive care and

so just my whole experience the past year has really illuminated again this dysfunction and this lack of integrity and kind of like what people are saying they value, but actually like the work they're pumping out and like the back end of their business model and the embodiment, there's a lack of embodiment. And so again, it's just bringing me closer to where I want to be going and like who I want to serve and how I want to show up in this world and it really is coming back to this like idea of like sacred activism this idea of um really helping people to support themselves so that they can be leaders in like the new paradigm um and then again just to kind of continue on with the various reflections that I've had more recently just experiencing burnout and needing to take some time offline and just having this beautiful opportunity to once again recalibrate all of the things in my life

and deepening my understanding around self-care and nervous system nourishment and healing and what that even means. It's been such a beautiful time in my life now that I'm kind of coming on the other side and I can I can see it so clearly now that all of it was just this opportunity and invitation to once again come closer to like my soul's fullest essence and like my like aligned path I don't even know if I like believe in any of those words like I don't think there's like one path that we need to be on but it just all feels like I'm coming home to myself um and as soon as like I think I've gotten close like I I get this opportunity to get even closer and to like take off another layer to shed my skin again and um god bless the people that are still listening because I am all

over the place as I always am um I think like what I'm trying to share here is just the fact that like everything happens for a reason. And that sounds really cliche, but I think it can be, I know for myself, like I, I have a lot of fear about wasting time. I feel like I've done a lot of unlearning around like hustle and grind culture and urgency and I've been able to kind of change the way that looks in my life I have a newfound reverence for like rest and slowing down and not just in the sense of like fuck my to-do list but in like what does my body actually need right now um but what still keeps creeping in is this this fear of of of not being efficient this fear of wasting time and I think what's so cool when I have these moments of like deep reflection and just looking at where I've come none of it feels like a waste of time like it all feels like it had to happen for me to be where I am today and when I can

ground into that and when I can really just like land there it just it just opens me right up because it it just it feels like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and it's this beautiful reminder that like things are always unfolding for you and like the universe is supporting you and it's really our job to just get out of the freaking way um because when we let our fears and like wounded parts of ourselves lead and when we show up in motherhood and in business and in relationships from those like wounded parts we're just getting in our way we are self-sabotaging for lack of a better word we are we are letting fear take the driver's seat we are constantly in a state of dysregulation um we are keeping ourselves small by um really attaching to some of those deep limiting beliefs and

yeah I guess I'm just that all of this is just to say that like it's all helping me better understand the kind of work I want to bring say that like it's all helping me better understand the kind of work I want to bring into this world it's all helping me better understand the kind of people I want to work with um and it's all helping me understand just more about myself and like what actually makes me feel alive because for the better part of my life, like I was just chasing like that carrot that society dang need a university degree and I need letters behind my name and I need a stable and secure job and a pension and I need a house and a husband and the dogs and the kid and oh my god I'm so grateful for all of those things they had to happen and also that's not what any of this is about like that's not what any of this is about. Like, that's not what any of this is about.

And so, again, over the past three years, I've really deepened into things like human design. And I've been teetering into astrology. And obviously, I've really nerded out on the nervous system. I've really nerded out on, like, the ener really nerded out on like the energetics behind just like everything energy work in general is really fucking cool and I feel like three years ago I would have laughed if you would have told me that this is the kind of stuff that like I'd be talking about and this is the kind of stuff that like I'd be talking about. And this is the kind of stuff that like, I'd want to be leading other women through. But here we are. It's wild.

It's so wild. And it really humbles me in the sense because I can get really fixated on like, I just want to have a plan. I want to know exactly where I'm going and like what things are going to look like in the next five years. And I really attach, or in the past, I should say, I've really attached to like what that to look like in the next five years and I really attach or in the past I

should say I've really attached like what that should look like and have strived to get there and it's almost like as if I put blinders on and like I can only see that there's one way and that has done such a disservice for me in the past because it's like cock blocked so many opportunities and so many so many opportunities for growth and evolution that I was just too scared to even embark on and this is why I keep saying that pregnancy and birth for me was a catalyst for all that because pregnancy and birth was like this this opportunity for actually to see myself in my power and I think I said earlier in this in this conversation that like I have been so scared of stepping into my full power and that is only starting to like integrate now and I'm starting to see like where that has been

keeping me small and I'm ready to let go of that fear I'm ready to begin to like jump all in and allow myself to be fully seen and allow my all of it my quirks my my weirdness my talking too much and not making sense my tangents like all of it like I'm I'm just gonna be here unapologetically and I'm probably gonna fumble and my voice is gonna be shaky at times and then there'm just gonna be here unapologetically and I'm probably gonna fumble and my voice is gonna be shaky at times and then there's also gonna be other times where it's like just so clear and so in devotion to what's just what's in store for me and oh I think this idea of of power is again something that like three years ago I didn't think I wanted I didn't want to be powerful

powerful one felt scary and two it felt like I don't know almost like masculine and I can see how that's kind of a perspective that that would have made sense as like a maiden and wounded maiden wanting like prince charming to come save her it would make sense that power would feel like something that needs to be suppressed and that power isn't something that i should ever want and even thinking back to like childhood and like the fairy tales that and like Disney movies that we were all exposed to right you think of like your Cinderella's and your Snow White's like they all had this this prince charming to come save them and then there was also like the the evil queen or like the evil stepmother or whatever and seeing seeing a woman in her full power seeing a woman in her fullest expression was shamed and like we only saw the badness and

the evil side to it and I think this is where oh I forgot to talk about this too just my my pull into exploring like the witchy woo-woo world and having a better understand of a better understanding of just the history of the witch and the history of like wise women and okay okay I'm like there's so much going on in my head and like I feel like my words can't keep up but again it just all makes sense it all makes sense that it started with birth for me and that it started with this passion for birth work and wanting to set foot in the doula world and thinking about how like back in the day like way way back in the day like when birth was still seen as this like sacred thing that women go through and they were surrounded by wise women in their

community and you'd have like the village midwife who was just like wise beyond measure like she didn't go to school she didn't have letters behind her name she just like did her thing and she just like loved on the woman that was in front of her like all makes sense that I wanted to step into birth work for those reasons like that felt like my calling in the moment and then weaving into like matrescence as like a greater thing like beyond just the birth experience and then weaving in like nervous system stuff and somatics and energy work and now all of this like sacred activist work around racism and decolonization and untangling internalized patriarchy and like other systems of oppression like it it all just makes sense because because like back in the day, it wasn't safe to be that person.

And so another kind of deepening into my truest self is recognizing that who I actually want to be is someone the church would have killed 400 years ago. I don't remember where I heard that. Those are someone else's words. And I heard them like, oh my God, I'm putting my hand up. Like that just fits. That is what I want to be and and that's where again it all just makes sense it all makes sense that like my podcast is called rewild and free it makes sense that I have been drawn to this this idea of rewilding it's all about like remembering and reclaiming it's not about learning something new and um just again being on this like hamster wheel of like

I don't even know what I'm trying to say like I guess like in the context of business it can be really really easy to be on this hamster wheel of trying to understand all the different like strategies and tactics and try to get ahead of the algorithm and try to figure out like ads and like how do I do as little as possible but make as much money as possible and all of that is just dehumanizing the craft and dehumanizing like whatever it is that you are on a mission to do and it's also like very extractive and I'm just like so repelled by all of that and so deeply on a mission to help other women see beyond that and to decondition from all of that um and here I am again like on another tangent like I can't even keep up with my own tangents um I think yeah I mean I've already said this but like the point of all of this is just sharing that

nothing happens or everything happens for a reason and it's all just bringing you closer to yourself if you let it and if you like open your eyes to it um and it also takes like a lot of work there's a lot of inside out work there's I mean I have literally spent the last three years dancing with shadow and holding space for like my own grief and holding space for a lot of other emotions that I have suppressed my entire life and that society has told me like it's not safe to be this way. I have really played around with, okay, like what if I actually break the mold here? What if I say the thing that I'm not supposed to say? What if I ramble for 40 minutes on an Instagram live even though like apparently Instagram only likes like one minute and 30 second reels and people don't actually have the attention span to listen to this? What if I like talk anyways um what if I burn down aspects of my business simply because I don't want to do them anymore even though on the outside that looks like I'm failing or I didn't give it a long enough chance or I'm just not committed or devoted what if that is actually true devotion what if the devotion is to myself instead of to the perception of what the outside world is seeing of me

can I just say I'm so proud of the person I'm becoming so proud which is why this day is more about me than it is about my kid okay I'm gonna leave it here for now there is a whole other can of worms that I want to open but I think it would be better in its own episode so I'll save it for a later time I have been thinking a lot about just what this looks like in my business and thinking a lot about like future offer creation and and how I actually want to show up in this world and there's two things that I keep orienting back to um that are really really important to me and that I plan to weave into

everything I do and that's pleasure and community um pleasure not in like a sexual sense but pleasure in the sense of like what actually feels good what actually like is expansive and feels feels juicy and and um just like opens up your senses um and doesn't feel extractive this word extractive is really alive for me today like we don't want that we are done with that no no more extraction no more extraction um I've always been a firm believer that we need to be able to show up both in motherhood and in business from a place of overflow not depletion and so how do we get there pleasure and community pleasure and community how do we change the world pleasure and community we are not supposed to be doing any of this alone we're not supposed to be mothering alone we're not supposed to be being awesome coaches and healers and doulas and whatever it is you identify as you're not

supposed to be doing all of that alone you are supposed to be in circles that just take you all in in your fullest expression um I feel like there again this could be a whole other conversation just around um like sense of belonging and how again okay okay one more thing so this is another really big lesson that I've had in the past couple years around like sense of belonging and how from a nervous system perspective um it's very common for for women especially because we have tangled up our worth with productivity and just how we are recognized socially and so with that comes this this innate need to fit in and we end up fawning we end up people pleasing we end up putting others before ourself to not rock the boat um and that's all

in pursuit of feeling a sense of safety and not being kicked out of the tribe because innately we need community but the problem is and I don't even know if I love the word problem but what is often happening is we we end up sidelining our own needs or betraying ourself in maybe small sneaky ways to be able to be accepted into certain communities and that is not a true sense of belonging that is not a place where you are able to be fully yourself and authentic and um talk too much take up space be weird. Be too much. Like, have your light totally on. We are commonly putting ourselves in spaces where we're dimming our own light. And so it's really important to me to just weave that community aspect in,

in the sense of actual deep, safe, dirt-trick communities where you can, like, shine your light as bright as possible and to practice using your voice because I'm a firm believer that we find our voice by using our voice and I also think there's just so much beauty and transformation found in being witnessed by others and also witnessing others. We witness, we can witness ourselves by witnessing other people. So that community aspect is really, really important. And again, coming back to this, this piece around pleasure, like if it doesn't feel good, like why are we doing it? And maybe I'll just leave you with like something to sit with just thinking about like

desire versus obligation it can be really easy to to get kind of in this place where you're just living life on autopilot and you're just taking it one I mean especially if you're in survival mode you're just taking it one day at a time, you're kind of doing the bare minimum, but really asking yourself, like, is this coming from a place of desire, or is this coming from a place of obligation, and then getting even more curious around obligation in the sense of, like, is this, is this feeling like a obligation from something outside of me or is it like coming from within me because of the fear of what would happen if like I don't do it or if I don't show up in a certain way and so just exploring that and kind of untangling that a bit in your own life um another way to look at it is like um like pleasure or pressure like does it feel like pleasure or does it feel like pressure

and so like this can be as simple as like next time you are okay this is where I really like to practice it is when I actually have alone time. And I mean, so Aubrey's still napping. So when Aubrey goes down for a nap, there's that moment of like, oh my God, I have free time. What am I going to do? And it's really easy to get thrown into like the to-do list and that like hyper productivity of like, I want to get as much done as possible because I only have so much time um and instead like I invite you to really ask like what would feel pleasurable what would actually be an act of desire instead of obligation here and see what comes up for you it might surprise you and oftentimes it actually does

end up being stuff that needs to get done but you get to pursue those things from like a different kind of energy um right so like feeding yourself and hydrating yourself and folding laundry and emptying the dishwasher like you can actually pursue those things from a place of pleasure um it just takes some someality and actually, like, pausing to think about it and, like, looking at, like, where's this coming from? Why do I want to do it? Who am I doing it for? Anyways, okay. This is way longer than I wanted to go.

I'm going to sneak away. I have some exciting things coming. I'm probably going to post in my stories. But if I have links, I coming I'm probably gonna post in my stories but if I have links I'll put them in the show notes um yeah stay tuned my friends love you all bye okay before you go I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to listen to this episode if you were thinking of anyone while listening please send it their way and if anything resonated with you or you love these conversations please subscribe and leave a review this really helps the podcast algorithms put my show in front of more people just like you

and the last thing I would love nothing more than hearing from you so say hi dm me on instagram and give me a follow at nicole pasvir until next time