REWILD + FREE - Reclaiming My Inner Witch: A Solo Share on Spirituality and Religion

Episode Date: September 10, 2023

This one is super vulnerable for me! It is also likely going to surprise some people, especially some of the people that have known me a long time. Thank you for holding space and witnessing me as I unravel and reclaim my own truth in real time. I invite you to dig deep and dissect some of your own beliefs around spirituality and religion. Asking yourself: Are these beliefs my own? How does patriarchal conditioning show up in my life?   What do words like witch, witchcraft,  church, God/Goddess, etc mean to me? What do I feel in my body hearing these words? Resources mentioned in this episode: Herstory by Jane Hardwicke Collings  (listen here OR read here)Maiden to Mother by Sarah Durham Wilson Witches, Midwives, and Nurses by  Barbara EhrenreichMore on the Garbage Post Challenge in episode #24Connect with me on IG (@nicolepasveer)Want to be a guest on the podcast?  Fill out this formIf this show has inspired, transformed or made your life a tinyyy bit better in anyway and you’ve been searching for a way to say thank you, and support me in producing more episodes, you can now buy me a donut 🍩 (see link below) Support the showConnect with Nicole on IG (@nicolepasveer) Want to be a guest on the podcast? Fill out this form

Welcome to the Not Just a Mom Show, where we have open and honest conversations about the vulnerabilities and the victories within entrepreneurship and new motherhood. If we haven't met yet, I'm Nicole Pazvir and I'm going to be your host. Here on the show, we don't subscribe to perfection. In fact, being present is the new perfect and showing up messy is the new norm. We are worthy, just as we are, as all that we are, not just the label we put on ourselves. We are more than just a mom, and I'm so glad you're here. Welcome to another week on the podcast. I actually recorded this episode while going for a walk.

And since the recording, a lot has come up for me. A lot of thoughts and a lot of mind chatter and just questioning the words I used and wondering if I could have worded things better. And I've had to resist the urge to rerecord or just decide not to publish this at all. I think that the parts of me that are wanting me to not share this are basically the reasons that I really do need to share this. And so I guess I just want to preface this episode by saying that I am still learning some of the language to use around this topic.

And I'm very mindful that everyone is coming into this listening either, oh yeah, that makes sense, or, ooh, I don't agree with that. And I think that's perfectly okay. I think this conversation is supposed to be one that has loads of nuance, and it's just like not black and white at all. So yeah, basically this conversation is all around religion and spirituality. I'm going to be sharing a little bit about my own childhood experience and some recent learnings that I've come across that help me understand what I've been feeling lately. I do also want to mention that at the time of this recording, I'm currently reading the book Made Into Mother for the second time. I've also been reading another book called Midwives, Nurses, and Witches. And then I've been reintroduced to Jane Hardwick Collings, her story, Womanifesto. And I really do encourage anyone to either listen to that or read that. I

will link it in the show notes. I think it really does help paint the picture and I guess like give context to the lens in which I'm looking at some of this through. And again, like just the reminder that it's okay if we disagree. Again, this topic is one that a lot of people can really stand their ground in. And I think that's a beautiful thing. I also think that being able to disagree, and being able to discern that maybe what I'm saying isn't true for you, is just a, it just really shows how, how firm you are in your belief and in the ground that you stand on. And I think that is awesome. As long as those beliefs are actually yours and not just stemming from other people outside of you. So perhaps this conversation is an invitation to

dig deeper into where your beliefs are actually coming from. And if they're yours, or if there are just truths that have been passed to you, passed down to you from your childhood, there's just lots of room for exploring here. So yeah, I also want to, I guess, also preface by saying I make comments around God and the church and the Bible in probably a way that for anyone that has known me for any length of time, it's going to be very surprising to hear. I realize I'm saying I'm a lot because this conversation is a little bit uncomfortable for me it's it's very vulnerable to share some of this out loud so yeah I'm oh my goodness I don't know if you can hear my dogs in the background um Dylan and Aubrey just went to the park and I think the dogs are feeling left out

this whole episode is full of lots of background noise so bear with me um but yeah I just wanted to say that like I I say things about God and the church and the bible um that are likely going to be surprising for people that have known me for any length of time. And I don't want, I don't even know what I want from that. This is why it is kind of uncomfortable to share some of this because I feel like this is a part of me that I don't allow a lot of people to see. It's also a part of me that I really don't have a ton of clarity on for myself and really just unraveling, unlearning and, and finding my own truth as we speak. So with that said, this is what I have to say today. I'm going to give myself permission that I can have totally different beliefs tomorrow. I'm constantly growing and evolving and learning. So I mentioned at the end of the episode that I encourage you and invite you to have a conversation with me if this episode sparks anything up for you.

And I really do mean that. I really learn so much from other people's stories and other people's experiences. And I hope that by me sharing some of this, it also can help you. Before I hit play on the recording that I made previously, I wanted to share a quote from the book Made Into Mother. This has really stood out to me um the past couple days and well not even the past couple days something that i've been sitting with for probably a couple months now as i really step in and embody or begin to embody um the mature feminine motherly archetype um and also just like understanding more about

like the divine feminine the divine masculine and our essence of holding both and just kind of how they actually show up in life. With all of that, I've really just been feeling this internal pull to reconnect to my divine feminine and really harness in and stop fearing the power that I hold. I'm not sure I've shared this on this podcast, but I know I have shared some of this in parts of my birth story. And that was after I had the home birth of my daughter. I stepped away, almost shook up, not from the beautiful birth I just experienced, but almost out of fear of my own power. I literally stepped away saying like, if I can do that, what else can I do? And the book Made Into Mother has really helped me understand and put language to

what feminine power really is and understanding the patriarchal society that we live in and the conditioning that so many of us have been exposed to from such a young age um the book has just really helped me to understand more about myself in that in that regard so anyways um I really do feel like I am a witch that's been hiding in the closet and I'm slowly gaining courage and bravery and self-trust to share more of that and I think this episode is the start of that but yeah I want to share this quote before I actually get into the episode so the quote is I soon was convinced that every woman was a witch we just all forgotten it which as an archetype represents what it means to be an ancient feminine goddess before a culture that demonized the goddess had stolen our earthly seasonal realities and rituals. And one more quote because I forgot about this one

is witches know that darkness is not evil. It is not the devil. It is a necessary condition that puts us in touch with our intuition, wisdom, and our ability to go ahead and let you listen to the little walk and talk I did. A couple of days ago and hopefully not cringe at myself because like I said this is really vulnerable and there's just a lot of insecurities popping up around if I could have articulated things better or concerns about how this is going to be received and yeah to anyone that is listening to this in its entirety, I just want to express my deep gratitude and appreciation for seeing me and hearing me and allowing me to show up in this messy and vulnerable place. And just, yeah, giving me the space to process without judgment. Thank you. I haven't done a walk and talk in a while and figured I'm on a walk and I have things to say so why not do a walk and talk but I'm pushing

Aubrey in the stroller so I'm likely going to be out of breath and there's sirens that keep going off around me and I've already waited like five minutes to start this and I feel like there's sirens that keep going off around me and I've already waited like five minutes to start this. And I feel like there's going to be no perfect time to start. There's always going to be something driving by, whether it's a bus or a barking dog or whatever. So we're just going to roll with it. I'm in the middle of doing Simone Sol's garbage post challenge on social media and that's basically 100 posts in 30 days but not with the intention of blasting out a bunch of content and getting whatever positive outcomes might come with that.

Instead, the intention is really to start showing my own nervous system safety. Safety that it's okay to take up space online. And that it's okay to use my voice and to share things with the world even when it's not perfect even when my message isn't perfect and my um graphic or feed isn't aesthetically pleasing um oh a car is coming and not stopping okay here we go car Aubrey says um yeah so it's really about just I don't know what you guys can hear um there's a lot of loudness around I've crossed the street now um and hopefully it's less busy but what I was saying is that it's really about just showing my body that it's safe to take up space and that it's safe to be seen that it's really about just showing my body that it's safe to take up space and that it's safe to be

seen that it's safe to be heard and that I'm worthy of using my voice even when things aren't perfect and it's it's a big deal I think because so many of us have grown up in a world where we're constantly told to be doing our best and many of us I know in in a world where we're constantly told to be doing our best. And many of us, I know in my circle, and the people I surround myself with, are really working towards unlearning and healing from good girl conditioning and all the programming around us that's constantly telling us we have to show up a certain way and be a certain something in order to be worthy. And what I love most about this challenge is that it really is an opportunity to deepen my own self-worth, my own self-love, my own self-trust, and really just prove to myself that it's okay to show up even when things aren't

perfect. And when, yeah, when my mind's constantly telling me that, oh, don't say that. That's not something anyone wants to hear or that's not going to be valuable. It's really about just silencing the mind and doing it anyways. So with that said, I'm a couple days in at the time of recording this. And I've been wanting to talk about, actually I've been wanting to talk about actually I've been wanting to talk about this for a while and I've kind of been holding back just because I feel like there isn't like a happy ending to the story yet like I'm in the middle of the story and in honor of the garbage post challenge and and throwing out some b-minus work, I figured why not talk about it?

Why not talk about it even though the story is not complete? If anything, maybe it's going to open up some conversations and those conversations are either going to help someone feel related to or they're going to help me process. So basically, without beating around the bush anymore, because I love to do that before I actually start these podcast episodes, basically what I want to talk about is some discomfort that I've been feeling around... Now we're walking by a lawnmower. Sorry, guys.

Some discomfort that I've been feeling around my own spirituality. And when I say discomfort, like, I don't mean, I guess I don't know, like, I don't mean that discomfort in a negative way, but discomfort in the sense of there's been some sticky points and some trauma, I guess, some triggers that are popping up that I've been working through and I've been just noticing like where where and whom I feel unsafe to share, of my own childhood. And I guess context is I grew up going to a private Christian school. My mom identified as Christian.

My dad did not. My parents were divorced. They divorced when I was like not even one I believe so I'll get back to that part of the story because it is important here but the context I wanted to share is that I basically grew up in like a Christian community and grew up with the belief that the bible and church and all those things were truth. And things, especially as like a young girl, were very black and white. So there wasn't a whole lot of room for nuance in my mind back then.

I really did just believe whatever was around me. So whatever my mom was showing me, whatever my friend's parents were exposing me to whatever school and church and bible camp I didn't even go to bible camp I don't know why I said that but you know what I mean um like as a kid you really don't you don't question those things you just take them for what they are and you just grow up when those kind of become your beliefs so that was my experience and it really wasn't until after high school and into early adulthood that I started kind of questioning things and again not in like a negative sense just like a wait a minute like just because this is what I grew up knowing

doesn't mean that that's the only the only option out there and so I'm 29 now I feel like I've spent probably almost 10 years now trying to figure out what it is I do believe and it's not that I don't believe in God I absolutely do believe that there is a higher power of some sort. But I will say I have completely detached myself from the church and the Bible. And yeah, it's also been interesting because my husband, we've literally known each other since grade four. We went to the same Christian school. We grew up with families that had very similar values, church on Sundays, pray before meals, that kind of thing. And he, I think, has kind of had the same journey I have in some of the questions he's asked himself and his own beliefs.

So we've kind of shared that journey together. Not really swaying each other in either direction, but just asking the same questions. In both of our experiences, both of our families in our later teenage years kind of experienced some betrayal from the church. And so I think that has rightfully put a sour taste in our mouth towards the church. And so I think that has rightfully put like a sour taste in our mouth towards the church. So that's part of the story too. Before I get into more of it, I will also say that, like I said, my parents split up before I was even one. My dad, he grew up in a Catholic

family, but his entire adult life, he's, I guess, what you'd call atheist. I don't even, I don't think he believes in anything. He's always kind of questioned my mom and not like in not allowing her to do things. Obviously, he allowed her to send me to a Christian school, but he's often just questioned her beliefs. And like, I don't know so I have been experiencing as I said in the beginning of sharing the story I've been experiencing some discomfort in in I guess embodying my own spirituality and what I mean by that is almost having this like shadow lingering behind me and like this very negative voice saying like this is bad um in the context of things like astrology or oracle cards tarot cards um crystals spirituals, spirits, human design, stuff like that. And I've been trying to dig into that a

little bit deeper and really discern whether those are my beliefs or if they are something separate from me or if it's kind of the body keeps score kind of trauma from generations and generations and generations ago and I was kind of about ready to just accept that you know what this is probably just kind of a collective trauma from like the witch hunts a long long time ago and it makes sense that I would feel that these things are a little bit taboo especially with my Christian upbringing and just very like traditional views around that and of course living in the culture we do and the patriarchy and all of those things so I was kind of about ready to just accept that and move on and try to work

through those deep witch wounds, let's call them. And then I ended up having a conversation with my mom and I really wasn't searching for any answers in this conversation. I was just curious and kind of explaining to her some of the discomfort I've been feeling. and discomfort really isn't the right word I don't know what the right word is it's it's not a discomfort it's just I've noticed myself pulling back or silencing or diluting myself in certain environments and so I was I've been trying to understand why that is and work through that resistance. So anyways, I was explaining this to my mom and her and I were chatting and she ended up talking about her experience during the time that her and my dad were splitting up. And at that time she was,

oh, she was like barely 21 or 22. She was really just navigating how to be an adult herself let alone having to learn to be a mom um she was I suppose going through her own spiritual awakening at that point for lack of a better word I don't even know what it would have been called then or if that's what it would be called now but she was learning about things like um chakras and um I always do this I get myself lost I started walking through a field and now there's like a fence and we're at a dead end and so I've lost my train of thought because apparently I can't actually walk and talk despite all the times that I attempt to do so. Anyways, I learned that my mom was learning about all these things and kind of integrating them into her life and this was all while my mom and dad were splitting up.

So they were dealing with lawyers and stuff. And I knew this whole time that my dad got full custody of me. And I always just thought it was because he was more financially secure. He was also like 10 years older than my mom. So he was at a very different stage in adulthood and just more mature on paper so I always just accepted that as the reason why my dad got full custody of me but in this conversation with my mom I found out that because of some of the things my mom was getting herself into spiritually my dad was basically calling her crazy and probably a lot of other words and it's all apparently in like the court documents and that's a big reason that my dad ended up getting full

custody and in that time period um there was actually a forced separation between my mom and me I think she said something like six or eight weeks so remember this is literally I'm barely one or two years old so this is like a core time in an infant's development that they need to be with their mother and there was forced separation between us and it starts to make me understand this discomfort this resistance this fear that I've been feeling to embrace and embody this part of myself. Because literally in my lifetime, 28 years ago, it wasn't safe. It caused separation between me and the one person that I was supposed to be deeply connected to and learning this was kind of like a I don't even know like a was able to breathe like an exhale

not not because any of it's okay but because it's like okay this actually like makes sense and now that I tangibly can understand more of the story it helps me work through it I guess um big truck going by I feel like this is like a really deep conversation and I'm just sharing it so casually going down for a walk down the street. Thanks for hanging out with me, guys. This has been many weeks of me kind of processing and digesting this. And like I said, like the story is not over. I don't really know. I don't really know anything about like where I'm taking it next.

I don't think I need to go deeper I think I think having that new understanding on top of understanding more about just the the generational stuff that women have experienced helps me to make sense of it all and yeah I think what's cool about it is like I also have no negative feelings towards my dad I very easily could I very easily could I guess resent him and I don't. Yeah, it's a very neutral feeling and an appreciation that we are all allowed to have our own beliefs. And that I do honestly actually believe that there's not just one truth out there. And that's, I guess, a bit of my beef with the Christian church as I've known it, is that it's like one way or the highway, quite literally. And it is just very black and white.

And over the past couple of years, I just, I don't really have room in my life for that kind of thinking. So, yeah, I don't really have room in my life for that kind of thinking um so yeah I don't know I have like deep deep deep compassion for both of my parents and understanding this was literally like three decades ago now um it's cool when I can kind of detach and not take any of it personally even though I mean I personally was affected but it's cool when I can detach and just kind of see it for what it is and hold space for both of them at that time in terms of what it means for me right now like I said it kind of does give me somatically that that release and that exhale which feels really good it makes me feel like I mean I can understand why I'm not feeling safe to show the more spiritual sides of me in certain places but

I don't know it's just a very interesting thing and I think I'm probably gonna leave it at that because like I said I I'm literally in the middle of the story. Like I don't have more to share on this. I'm really, really intrigued by the whole conversation around spirituality and religion. And what other people's perspectives and experiences and beliefs are around that. So also massive permission that it's okay if we disagree. I learned so much from having conversations with people that disagree with me. So if that's you, I absolutely encourage you to reach out

and open up or extend this conversation because I would love to hear your own opinions and musings around it. I guess be more authentic and not hide this part of myself which means talking about it more which means sharing more of my own learnings and my own I guess like tools that I'm using so yeah like recently on Instagram I shared that I finally bought my first oracle deck and just been experimenting with how I'm using it. And I really do believe that there isn't one right or wrong way to use it. And again, I had to kind of move through some of the resistance of like, oh, is this bad? And really make it be a tool that works for me. And so what I've been doing, and this is just one example, what I've been doing is instead of seeking out an answer from the cards, because I truthfully don't think we should be looking outside of ourselves for answers, I basically use the cards and set the intention of showing me, shining light on something that I need to be remembering. Um, and basically knowing that

the answers that are in the cards are already things I know. It's basically just bringing my awareness to something that maybe I've been forgetting about, or maybe I haven't really been, um, just putting my time towards. And so that's worked really well for me. It's really helped me to come home to self and to, I guess, like realign some of my actions to my values, which is kind of the goal, right? That's kind of the goal. I think we all have that goal. So anyways, that's my story for now. Like I said, I'm in the middle middle of it I would love to hear what your story is around spirituality and religion and what you were taught growing up versus what you believe now I think it's a really cool topic and okay before you go I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to listen to this episode

if you were thinking of anyone while listening, please send it their way. And if anything resonated with you or you love these conversations, please subscribe and leave a review. This really helps the podcast algorithms put my show in front of more people just like you. And the last thing, I would love nothing more than hearing from you. So say hi, DM me on Instagram, and give me a follow at NicolePasvir. Until next time.