REWILD + FREE - Unplanned Pregnancy to Planning a Free Birth: A Maiden to Mother Journey in Real Time with Eden Dalton-Thompson (@creatingedenn)

Episode Date: September 19, 2023

Eden has been walking the path of awakening and remembering for years now, journeying into the depth of her being to call herself back home. She is multidimensional, multifaceted, and a mystic at heart. Eden is deeply passionate about authentic self expression and vulnerability, and has devoted much of the last 4 years to removing her layers of conditioning, people pleasing, and watering herself down, finding her true essence and expression at the core of her being. The unraveling never ends and she continually shows up for herself in this way, finding new stories and programming at the surface. Eden values story telling and sharing as a form of expression, and is constantly offering her experience as a mirror and reflection for others to witness.Eden is in the midst of her Maiden to Mother initiation, and it has completely rocked her world, inviting her to walk a path that she had not yet expected to be on. Her surprise pregnancy has already stretched her in many physical, emotional, and energetic ways. In this episode, Eden shares moments of her personal and spiritual exploration with us, including how she: got out of the cycles of self hated and victimhood found her voice and stopped people pleasing learned how to show up in relationship to feel safe and loved and give it back cultivates a deep sense of self worth, self love and body acceptance during pregnancy finds safety in self expression Together, Eden and I also delve into the fluidity of birth planning, detaching from outcome, protecting your energy and the importance of softening into our bodies innate wisdom This episode is sure to bring about reflection and inspiration as you weave in parallels from your own life with Eden's story Connect with Eden on IG (@creatingedenn)Connect with Nicole on IG (@nicolepasveer)Want to be a guest on the podcast?  Fill out this formIf this show has inspired, transformed or made your life a tinyyy bit better in anyway and you’ve been searching for a way to say thank you, and support me in producing more episodes, you can now buy me a donut 🍩 (see link below)Support the showConnect with Nicole on IG (@nicolepasveer) Want to be a guest on the podcast? Fill out this form

I don't have to fix myself. And I think that's a really big thing that this is teaching me is like, it's okay to be in the discomfort. It's okay to be in the unknown, in the liminal space. It's okay to be there. And I don't need to escape it. And I think that's kind of where my maiden, what she had like got to of like, oh, I fix this I need to heal this oh no I don't

like the way I'm showing up in this so I need to change it and it was like constantly like hyper focused on the fix fix fix change everything um and that is like slowly slowly crumbling and being let go of. Welcome to the Not Just a Mom Show, where we have open and honest conversations about the vulnerabilities and the victories within entrepreneurship and new motherhood. If we haven't met yet, I'm Nicole Pazier and I'm going to be your host. Here on the show, we don't subscribe to perfection. In fact, being present is the new perfect and showing up messy is the new norm. We are worthy just as we are as all that we are, not just the label we put on ourselves. We are more than just a mom and I'm so glad you're here.

Okay, I know I sound like a broken record because I literally say this every week, but this week really is one of my favorite episodes. I'm joined by Eden, who beautifully shares her story, her experience navigating an unplanned pregnancy and how she is now currently planning to birth unassisted. She's planning a free birth. She is literally navigating her maiden to mother journey, biologically speaking, in real time. She's been documenting her wild pregnancy on Instagram. She can be found at Creating Eden, and she's also the host of the Creating Eden podcast on Spotify. Eden and I connected through a group container from the primal priestess called Inner Mastery. At the time of recording this, which was back in early August, I believe,

we were literally in the middle of that container and mastering our own inner mastery in real time. It has been a joy and a pleasure to continue connecting with Eden. In this episode, you're going to hear Eden reflect on and share her own story of personal and spiritual exploration including getting out of self-hatred and victimhood and really learning to find her voice stop people pleasing and begin to cultivate a deep sense of self-worth self-love body acceptance Eden is a beautiful beautiful human Her story is inspiring and her

energy is magnetic. I really hope you enjoy this episode as much as I do. Hello, Eden. Thank you for being here. Yeah, thank you for having me. I was super stoked when I saw you share on your Instagram. I think it was just on your stories about who would want to be on your podcast. And at the time that I had said yes, that would feel really great for me. It was like, it was just such perfect timing. So I'm really grateful, yeah, to be here and to get to connect with you like one-on-one in this kind of container as well. Because, yeah, the group container is so beautiful and so powerful. And so is one-to-one. Yeah, yeah, the group container is so beautiful and so powerful. And so it was one-to-one. So yeah. Yeah. Me too. I'm excited to just kind of hear more of your story and how you've gotten to where you are today. We were saying off air that I think we actually have a lot of common

threads. That's kind of just an assumption I've made. So I'm excited to actually hear more and see if that's true or not. But yeah, if you want to just like start sharing kind of you're currently pregnant. Spoiler alert. Well, I can start there. You're currently pregnant and you are currently in the middle of your own made into mother journey. So, yeah, I'm going to give the mic to you and let you kind of share what's going on for you right now. Yeah. So yeah, I'm almost 24 weeks pregnant. And this was a surprise. This was very unexpected. My partner and I, we had talked about having like a check in, like in a year's time from this point now. Um, so getting pregnant back in March, it was just like a, oh, oh, this is happening

now. Okay. And it was funny cause we were actually just reflecting this morning when we were laying in bed, um, our both, like both of our initial reactions, um, when we found out that I was pregnant and how different they were from what we've been navigating and exploring and experiencing in the past 24 weeks. And yeah, it's, it's like like we've almost swapped. Initially, I was so excited. I found myself, because I took a pregnancy test and I found myself just like silently praying that I was living in the timeline that I was actually pregnant. And that was also surprising for me because I, it wasn't something that I was like, I want a baby right now. I haven't been in that place of like deeply, deeply desiring it. So I was kind of, I was experiencing and witnessing at the same time, just experiencing that like, oh my goodness, am I pregnant? I don't know. I knew knew but I didn't know I knew but I wanted something

outside of me to confirm it um and my partner's initial reaction was just like complete shock he was like I I am not ready for this um this is really scary like our whole lives are going to change. And it took him like, I don't know, a couple of days. And then he was like, I'm in it. We're doing it. This is amazing. And then for me, it was this whole, it's been this whole journey so far of like, do I want this? Do I not want this? Like, it's too late to, it's too late to do anything about it now. Like we're, we're over halfway. I've committed to walking this path and I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna change my mind, but it's just been really interesting to witness myself in the, like, kind of like trying to squirm out of it when

I can't. Um, so yeah, initially I was like, oh my God, like this gets to happen to me. My older sister, she is, she just had her fourth baby. So I've seen her go through this pregnancy and birth and postpartum four times. So it was kind of like, oh, it's my turn. I get to do this now. And yeah, that was really exciting, but it's been, it's been like so many peaks and valleys, so much like uncertainty and feeling everything all at the same time, like feeling both ends of the spectrum all at the same time, which is beautiful and also confusing to be feeling such extremes and holding the two extremes at the same time. So, yeah. It's so cool to hear you just kind of reflect on noticing those extremes and like having, being able to hold the duality of both because I think

that's something that a lot of women almost feel blindsided by when they enter motherhood and postpartum is like holy cow like there's so much to feel and I don't know how to feel both of it and still just very stuck in like this binary thinking mindset. So it's really cool to hear you already processing some of that and already actually experiencing it and actually like building the confidence in yourself that you can hold it. And I think, yeah, that's just really cool. Cause I think a lot of, a lot of women don't actually get to experience or practice that until it's almost too late. And then it's really, really hard. How has it been like in the first, I guess it was just a couple of days when your partner wasn't super excited yet. How was it holding like the excitement on your own? Like, was there any

like shame or, um, that's not even the right word, but like almost like guilt, like, I'm sorry, this happened. Like, I'm almost like I'm ruining our lives, even though you like, you's not even the right word, but like almost like guilt, like, I'm sorry this happened. Like, I'm almost like, I'm ruining our lives, even though you like, you're not, you're absolutely not. But like, if he wasn't completely on board, I could imagine that's where my mind would start going. Yeah. Well, like we knew from like the day that we met each other, that we wanted children. Um, it was just like a, when, when feels right. And the conversation that we had had before, when we decided like we would have a check-in to see where we're at, see how we're feeling before starting to try to have a baby. Um, he was like, he, like, he wants kids so bad and he's so excited.

And he would like talk about kids all the time. And like, he follows all these really beautiful outdoor, like family Instagram accounts. And he's always sending me videos. So for me, it was a little bit of like, oh, you're not excited about this. Oh, but something that we had been navigating throughout our relationship is not watering ourselves down because the other person can't meet us where we're at in that moment. So I'm really grateful that we had that foundation because he was just like, he was just

like, I need, I need time to process this. And I was like, I want to feel celebrated in this. And if you can't celebrate me in this moment, I'm going to find somebody who will. So I actually went and I called my best friend and we like cried together and had the whole like joy and excitement and just like, yeah, such a beautiful, beautiful reaction. So yeah, it felt really good to, to seek, to actively seek out somebody who I knew would be able to meet me in my excitement and in my joy. Um, and yeah, like I just, I think I did a really great job at just being patient and trusting that he would be able to meet me there. Um, and then, yeah, we did a lot of flip-flopping, where then he was like super stoked. And I'm just like, I can't meet you there right now.

But I think it's a, well, I know that it's a very different experience for me and for him, because for him, there's nothing physically changing yet, right? Energetically, yes, there's a lot changing, but he's not feeling what I'm feeling in my body. He's not feeling the hormonal changes. He's not feeling the nausea and the morning sickness. He's not feeling exhausted from, yeah, growing this baby. He's not feeling this baby moving and kicking me and punching me and all of the things. So yeah, it's, it's a very different experience, um, for both of us. Uh, but yeah, yeah. I'm, I'm grateful that I had the foundations already to acknowledge like, Oh, you're not going to meet me here today. And that's okay. I'm not going to ask you to, I'm going to let you be oh you're not going to meet me here today and that's okay I'm not going to ask

you to I'm going to let you be where you're at um and I'm going to go find the support that I need in this moment um while I yeah patiently wait for you to join me in this space so um so I actually went and I called my best friend and we like cried together and had the whole joy and excitement and just like, yeah, such a beautiful, beautiful reaction. So yeah, it felt really good to actively seek out somebody who I knew would be able to meet me in my excitement and in my joy. I would love to hear kind of where you're at yeah like I just I think I did a really great job of just being patient and then like trusting that he would be able to meet me there yeah um so I have like since during the pandemic was when my like I don't know, I feel like everything started moving so fast for me. And there was a lot of learning and a lot of developing that awareness within myself. I was in like, I was

living a life that I did not want to be living. I was in a marriage that I didn't want to be in. I was living in Miami, which I didn't want to be there. I felt like so trapped and claustrophobic. And I was living as like the victim for so long, just like, poor me, poor me. My life sucks. I'm not allowed to live the life that I want to live. That's for other people. And I would just watch other people living these beautiful, like heart led lives, um, surrounded by community and like really deep connection. And I was just isolated just with my partner in this little one bedroom apartment in Miami. Um, and we were more so like roommates at that time. He was working from home and then he was like gaming all night long. So I really had the whole, my whole life to myself. So I would just sit in my room and journal and cry and try to figure out why I was the way that I was, why I hated myself, why I did things

that I really regretted doing and that I hated myself for and shamed myself and felt so guilty about. So I just kind of sat and I didn't know, like consciously, I didn't know what I was just kind of being intuitively led. And yeah, what I was doing was a lot of like shadow work and just me, a lot of emotional processing that I didn't realize I needed to do. And then, yeah, eventually, like I realized, oh, I hate myself and I hate my life and I hate my partner and I hate my apartment. I hate where I live. And I'm the only one that can change those things. I'm the only one that has the power to shift anything. So I started to slowly change things. And it was like, yeah, the most terrifying thing that I had ever done. And it was not just like one big thing. It was like all of these little things that I had to do.

I had to tell my partner, I don't want to be with you anymore, which took a long time. We kind of went through a process of like a year long process of uncoupling before we actually fully severed our relationship and ended up getting a divorce. But it was like, yeah, I got super clear on the fact like, I don't want to be living in Miami. That doesn't, it doesn't feel good for me. I don't resonate. And I hadn't met, like, I'm sure there's some really beautiful humans there. But I hadn't met anyone that was really deeply like soul aligned. And that was also because I wasn't, I wasn't connected to myself in that way. So the energy that I was attracting was just reflecting back where I was

at. But yeah, I ended up moving back home to Canada, Chilliwack, BC, moving in with my parents again. My younger sister had moved home. She had split up with her fiance and moved home a month before me. So I'm like still to this day, endlessly grateful that she did that first, because I don't think that I would have been brave enough to do that if she didn't do it first. So it was kind of like, sweet. We're both living in our parents' basement in our 20s together. Okay, we can do this together. So yeah, that felt really beautiful. And then yeah, we eventually fully severed our relationship when it just ended up being like, I found who I was, I enough to speak it and to not people please and water myself down and change what I wanted because I thought that that would make somebody love me. Um, and yeah,

we just kind of got to this point where we were like, we don't want the same things. What are we doing? This doesn't make sense anymore. I love you and I will love you, but like you don't fit into the future that I'm looking for. And I'm not going to force you to fit anymore. Cause for a while I was like waiting for him to change instead of just being super clear and honest. Like I was waiting for him to change. And then, yeah, I realized like, that's not fair. He's allowed to live his own life in the way he wants. And if we're aligned, we're aligned. And if we're not, we're not. And I have to just accept that. So yeah, finally, I accepted that. So those were like, yeah. And then like, I met my now current partner. And I learned so much about relationships and the way that I was showing up in relationship and the way that I actually wanted to show up in relationship to feel safe and loved just intense consistent change and growth and like just my

whole world crumbling down and then me slowly building it back up um so with this partner his name is Florian he and I have been super conscious about creating really solid foundations from the beginning of our relationship. Um, and yeah, the past year has been, well, a year and a half has been like, just really solidifying those solid foundations. Um, so then, yeah, getting pregnant has been like, oh, it's kind of like tearing away everything that I thought that I learned in the last three years of my life. It's kind of like, yeah, I don't know. I thought I had created this. I don't want to say like system, but I'm going to use that I wanted and the offerings that I wanted to give out. Like I thought I created such a solid system. And since getting pregnant, it's like, just like, let all of that go. Just let it all go. And that's been really beautiful and really interesting and also really challenging. Cause

I'm like, what? All of the things that I used to do to support myself don't work anymore. They don't feel good anymore. And now I'm like, I don't know what to do. Like, where am I? I feel like I'm in this really weird, murky, muddy, liminal in between space where like nothing feels clear. And I thought, I thought I had everything sorted out. I thought I knew everything that I needed to know, um, about how I wanted to live my life. And yeah, since getting pregnant, it's like, I've been just like thrown into the depths of this water and been like, Oh, yeah. By the way, you can't swim in the same way that you were swimming over there. Here, you have to find a new way. So yeah, I'm very much in that, like, where am I? Who am I?

How am I supposed to be doing this? I have absolutely no idea. It's been really great to kind of release the ego aspects of myself that were built up as I learned and grew and changed my whole like internal and external realities. But yeah, now it's just like, oh, it's, it's like such a like deeper spiral. I feel I'm just going deeper and deeper and deeper. Yeah. Oh, I just love all of that. I love that you've punched by saying spiral because that's kind of what I was envisioning the whole time.

And just this, this visual of healing, never having an end. Right. And we're always on this journey. We're always on this. I visualize like an upward spiral and it can feel like we're meeting the same resistance or the same like shadow parts of ourselves over and over and over again.

But really we're looking at them from like a new perspective and a new lens. And we have different experience behind us. And it kind of sounds like that's what you're moving through right now is like, yeah, you did quote unquote master it at one point of the spiral, but now you're moving up another level

and like meeting it again in a different capacity. And this, it's all just really humbling because it's a reminder, a very gentle reminder that we can't micromanage our life. We can't, not only can we not micromanage it, we're not supposed to, we're not supposed to be the one fixing things. We're just supposed to be like living. obviously easier said than done. And it sounds like you've kind of experienced both like you've experienced living, but you've also experienced being in the driver's seat and taking radical responsibility for like the things that are happening around you. And I think it's like this perfect, not perfect, but like this, this very like delicate dance that we have to do in order to just show up as like conscious and kind human beings yeah and I feel like this is where inner mastery is really supporting me it's just like a massive reminder that I'm just I'm allowed to be where I'm at I'm allowed to be where I'm at. I'm allowed to be messy. I'm

allowed to not know. Um, I don't have to fix myself. And I think that's a really big thing that, um, that this is teaching me is like, it's okay to be in the discomfort. It's okay to be in the unknown, in the liminal space. It's okay to be there. And I don't need to escape it. Yeah. And I think that's kind of where my maiden, what she had like got to of like, oh, I need to fix this. I need to heal this.

Oh no, I don't like the way I'm showing up in this. So I need to change it. And it was like constantly like hyper-focused on the fix, fix, fix, change everything. Um, and that is like, yeah, kind of slowly, slowly being invited to just be present with this experience to, yeah, to not push and that I feel like I feel so guilty for caring. And it's not like, oh, I care what I look like for other people. It's just like, oh, my body is getting bigger. What does that bring up within me? Um, my clothes aren't fitting me anymore. And that feels super like, yeah, just triggering and uncomfortable. And, um, that was a lot of work that I did in the last three years was learning to just love and accept my body for what it was, um, for what it could do. And that's, that's where

I'm like, I'm being met in this spiral. And then there's another voice that's like, well, of course your body's going to change. You're pregnant. You know? And I'm like, yes. And it still brings up these emotions within me. And instead of like, I don't know, this like, of course you're pregnant. You're going to change. That feels like the like kind of bypassing of my

emotions voice where it's just like, get over it, you know, just accept it, whatever. Um, instead of me just being like, yeah, in this moment, I feel guilty that I care that my body is changing and that it makes me really emotional. I feel, yeah, I feel like guilty about the fact that I put clothes on and I'm like, I hate this. And I change 10 times before I actually find something that I'm like, okay, this will do. I can wear this today. And allowing myself to be there and to say like, that's okay. It's okay that I'm feeling guilty. It's okay that I'm not feeling like this sexy, fertile, pregnant goddess. Like it's okay. I would like to feel like that. And some days I do. I was just about to say, and like some days you will, and just being okay with like the cyclical nature of it and like none of it is

permanent right like however you're feeling right now today can be completely different than how you feel in an hour and almost getting into the unpredictability of it but also finding comfort in the unpredictability of it knowing that you can orient to the fact that things are going to change it's like this very weird like I feel like that gives me like a sense of comfort but also the mystery is very uncomfortable it's almost like how how comfortable can you get with being uncomfortable something that I was kind of reflecting on or that was coming up for me as you were sharing all of that was just navigating between kind of the shoulds from society. And there were two points in your story that it was coming up for me. It was when you were sharing your experience about moving back home from Miami and you made a comment about having to move back home and you were glad that

your sister moved in first. And I was like, oh, interesting. So there's like some part of her that is thinking some sort of way for moving back home with her parents. And I was just kind of thinking, is that like a social construct that we've just been led to believe that you don't move back in with your parents? And like, how did you, I guess my question from that is how did you actually navigate that? But then before I let you answer, it was coming up again in kind of the body image with pregnancy. And that was super relatable for me in my own pregnancy in the sense of my body was changing. My clothes weren't fitting. I felt like a whale. But really in the grand scheme of things and compared to other pregnant women, everyone else probably saw me as this beautiful goddess because I really didn't

put on a ton of weight I really didn't get like super puffy people told me I was glowing and then it also becomes like what am I just playing small and am I not allowing myself to feel what I'm actually feeling because I don't want someone else who's had a different experience to feel some sort of way and it's like, it gets so messy in your head when you start allowing like logic and your ego to talk. So anyways, those were the two things that were coming up for me. So I'd love to hear just kind of how you've navigated that and the social, the social constructs that are so heavily ingrained in us. Yeah, for me, moving back in with my parents, like it felt like I failed. That was the,

that was the big feeling for me. It was like, I failed, um, because I had like created this whole life that was so far away from, you know, the little, little place that I grew up in, you know, um, that I was like, like there was, it was a lot of ego parts that were attached to, oh, I'm living this high life in Miami. I'm going to rooftop bars. And I think about it now and I'm like, oh my God, who was she? Who was she? she you know driving like fancy cars and like oh yeah this is a very different very different but in terms of like society's definition of success and what we've kind of been led to believe when you look at like just the media and growing up like you made it like living in mi, having a stable relationship, hanging out at rooftop bars,

like you've made it like that is success. Yeah, exactly. Going to going to the beach whenever and just like, yeah. Yeah. So it was just it was a lot of like, I just have to set my ego aside. And it really was so helpful that my younger sister moved home because she gave me permission to do the same. And it made me feel like, oh, I'm not the only one in this. I'm not the only one that's quote unquote failed, you know? Um, I failed at my relationship. I failed at, you know, trying to create this, this dream life. And, um, yeah, it was, it was like the, just the safety that my sister created was so beautiful. I was also in a season of a lot of, um, like inner child healing. So moving back in with my family, um, having my sister there all the time, it was just, it was exactly what I needed at that time in my life. Um, and I'm so grateful, I'm grateful that, that I was able to receive the invitation from my sister to,

to be in the same boat as her and not stay just because of my ego. Well, and it would have been really easy to just be stubborn and be like, well, no, like I'm not, I'm not doing this. Like I can do better. I've done it before. And yeah, like how cool that you were able to kind of shove your ego to the side and actually be humble and be open to receiving the support and love and nourishment from your family. And like hearing your story in its, I don't want to say entirety, because obviously your story is not done. But hearing that chapter of your story in its entirety, it all sounds like divine timing. Like it all sounds like everything was happening for a reason. And you were truly just following like the breadcrumbs as they were coming towards you.

I imagine though, in the moment, it didn't necessarily feel that way. You had no idea what was in your future. There was probably so much uncertainty. And like, how did you navigate that? Because I think for a lot of people, if they're having a similar story to what you kind of described living in Miami, and just like having the awareness that like, this isn't the life I want. This isn't the partner I want. This isn't, this isn't the life I want. This isn't the partner I want. This isn't, this isn't the life that I've dreamt of. It can be so scary to get yourself out of it because it's, it's, it's more scary to actually like see the change than it is to just like live in the discomfort. So yeah. How did you, how did you move yourself through the discomfort of the uncertainty?

I think that I was really weighing the two, like, do I want to stay in this life where I know that I'm unhappy, where I know that I feel trapped and I feel like I'm not allowed to live the life that I actually want to live. Do I stay with that because it's the safety of the known? What do I want more? Do I want safety or do I actually want to feel free in my body to feel connected to the land that I live on, to have the sense of community and yeah, just like deep connection. So for me, it was like, yeah, I'm kind of, I'm kind of someone when I'm like, when I really want something, I will, I will throw myself into the discomfort, kicking and screaming. Like I will, I will do it kicking and screaming and crying and rolling around kicking and screaming. Like I will, I will do it kicking

and screaming and crying and rolling around on the ground. Like, um, but I will do it. Um, because I know, like, I feel like my higher self knows that it's worth it. And my inner child and inner teenager are just like, ah, I don't want to do it. And so I kick and I scream and I flail and I cry. And then after I felt the emotions, I'm like, okay, no, this is actually what I want. So I'm going to keep going, even though it's hard and scary and uncomfortable. So for me, it was just really weighing those two different lives and choosing, okay, I'm going to, I'm going to do the scary thing. I'm going to do the hard thing. Um, and I'm going to choose this. And I think that because I had like little things happening very consistently, little things changing and these like life

changing revelations within myself, like I first got to a place within myself where I was like, I love myself and I could live like this for the rest of my life. Now that I love who I am and I know who I am, I could live like this, even if the things outside of me aren't exactly what I would want. But then I was like, but why not? Like, why not try at least? Why not

ask for these things? Why not, you know, show up in relationships differently and see how I met differently? And yeah, and then so it was like another little thing happened and I felt the expansion and how incredible that felt. So I think I, I trusted that the contraction was okay. That it would end because I had felt the expansion multiple times. Yeah. It's so beautiful. And like, it's one of those things that hindsight's 2020, right? Like when you're looking at it now, it probably feels really easy to see it like that and to see, yeah, okay, I met expansion and then, or sorry, contraction and then came expansion and then having that like innate trust that you can do it again. It's almost like you're adding it to your resume and you know you can do it just in like a different capacity. But it still doesn't necessarily make it easy in the moment,

again, when we're navigating just society's agenda and society's to-do list. And if you have your ego kind of in the background saying, oh, well, you failed, like you, you are giving up a life that so many people would kill for. You are moving back into your parents' house. You are ending a relationship. Like you are, as you put it, failing. It doesn't, it doesn't negate the, the, I guess like the push and pull that you were likely going through internally. I don't think I have a question from that. I'm just reflecting and digesting your experience. It's all super cool to hear because I think, like I said, it can just be so easy to just stay in the status quo of our life and kind of stay that watered down version of ourselves because that's what's socially accepted. I did have a question. did you feel like the life that you were heading towards had been modeled to you by someone or

somewhere like was there something that you were going after from something you had previously seen or was it just this like deep inner knowing that you knew life could be better yeah like I didn't I didn't really have anybody who modeled the kind of life that I'm living now to me. It was just an idea in my mind. And like, I would see like random things on Instagram every now and then of like, oh, but I think even that was my own projection of what those people's lives looked like. It wasn't the truth of what they were actually living. So I think it was still like my own idea of like, I like, I know that I can have a relationship with emotional depth and also feel like they're

my best friend and be goofy and silly and be like fully received in the entirety of who I am. Um, I know that that exists and I'm not in it right now. And, um, with like, yeah, friends, um, in that time of my life, like the two of my best friends that I had since I was young, I had to stop being friends with them. I had to like friendship break up with them because they were so like, they were just built from a very different version of myself. And the more that I changed, the more I realized, like, I, I'm not, I'm not being seen in the way I want to be seen. I'm not being

loved and received in the way that I want to be. Um, and I was at that point, like holding space for them to be the fullness of themselves. And I didn't feel that was received. And, um, I just, I knew like there was, there was women out there that I could have these super deep emotional relationships with kind of the same thing. Like they, they received the fullness of me. I can be silly and goofy and wild. I can scream at the top of a mountain with them. I can cry and be held and loved and, loved and just be witnessed in all of me without projections and shaming and judgment. And so I was like, I want that. I haven't experienced it

before, but it must be there. Like it must be there. So yeah yeah I think a lot of it was like just the internal pull to find it and to seek it and um yeah to co-create that kind of that kind of life it also sounds to me like this deep self-worth like knowing that you were worthy of something better, knowing that you deserve something better, knowing that you deserve those really nourishing relationships. And that's super cool. I'm curious how you cultivated that self-worth. Do you think it's like, again, looking back,

do you think it started from whatever work you did to start just loving yourself from going from, I hate myself to, I love myself. Do you think that's what did it or was there more to it than that? Absolutely. Um, I like when I hated myself, I hated my body. I hated, like, I was very much masking the real Eden. I was like super heavily people pleasing. Um, I was like, yeah, pretending to be somebody that I thought other people would accept and constantly feeling like, oh, this person doesn't actually know who I am. And I was like, feeling out people's energy of like, how much of myself can I give to you? Before you think I'm too much before you think I'm too loud before you think I'm too emotional, like how much can I give to you? And I would like feel it out. And like, hold, hold myself back. so I would do that with myself too so when I started to just sit with myself I would sit in front of a mirror and I would just like talk to myself and I would be myself and I remember when I was first exploring like what my authentic joy

felt like and looked like for me, I remember thinking like, am I making this up? Because it felt so foreign in my body because I had been like curating this image for so long that my authentic, like expressive childlike joy, I was like, by myself in a room, of course, I'm not going to make it up by myself, but I was just like, am I faking it? Am I faking this? Um, so I think, yeah, it was very much like a behind closed doors process. Who am I? How do I speak? How do I express myself? What do I look like when I'm crying? What do I look like when I'm crying? What do I look like when I'm angry? What do I look like when I'm expressing that joy? And the more I did that,

the safer I felt to be in those expressions and then to start, you know, allowing those parts of me to be seen by other people. And I'm not like, I'm still not navigating the world, like my full embodied self all of the time. There's some days where I'm just like, I feel uncomfortable in this new situation with these new people. And I don't really have the capacity to feel the discomfort in my body in order to be like, as big as I want. So I'm just going to sit here and chill. And then there's other people that they like, they invite me into that vulnerability or that authenticity. And I'm like, oh, this is a safe human for me to be my full self with. So yeah, it was like, I feel like I've kind of sidetracked from your initial question.

But yeah, that's kind of the process that I moved through. I don't even remember what my initial question was. So that's totally okay. I related and resonated to so much of that though like especially just the aspect of feeling like you almost have to feel out how much of yourself you can share with someone but going deeper than that and actually starting to be aware of how much are you even allowing yourself to witness and like can I actually hold and witness myself in in whatever expression we're talking about. So like when you said like crying in front of the mirror or showing your like silly goofy side and like being able to witness yourself in that capacity, I think is where it starts, right? When we can start holding

our own selves in those states, then we start feeling safe enough to actually be that way in front of others. That's definitely, I think, part of where I'm at in my own journey is still exploring all of that. It's probably like a lifelong thing, though. It's not one of those things that, oh, all of a sudden you are like fully self-expressed, you are embodied you are fully authentic there's always going to be different situations where it feels more or less safe and for me one thing that's definitely been really helpful is immersing myself in communities where other women are are being fully expressed and authentic And so I think that's something that has really, I guess, like gravitated my own energy towards you is because I see you living that life, or at least trying to live that life, right? One day at a time. And same with the other women

inside inner mastery, like it has been such a breath of fresh air, for lack of a better word, to see other women living their most potent lives and not diluting themselves because most of the outside world is not living that way. So I just love that. I love being in your energy. I love witnessing you through all of it. I would love to kind of fast forward to where you're at now in your pregnancy and where you're hoping to go with your birth. I'm a bit of a birth nerd. So I would love to hear if you feel comfortable sharing what your birth plans are. And obviously, like we aren't attaching to any outcomes here, but I would love to hear all of it. Beautiful transition from the conversation we were just having, because this was a lot. I was like holding so much fear over this choice of how I want to birth this baby over how I would be perceived and what people would say to me.

So I have had, other than taking that pregnancy test, I've had a complete wild pregnancy, no like midwife or doctors or anything, and just fully like body and intuition led, which like experiencing what I've experienced now, I'm like, yeah, for me, it makes sense. It makes sense. And it feels so natural and it feels so easy. Um, I feel like for me, there's been a lot less fear than if I, if I was like going to ultrasounds, I don't even know how frequently they happen. Um, but if I was going to ultrasounds, if I was like going to ultrasounds, I don't even know how frequently they happen. Um, but if I was going to ultrasounds, if I was getting all these tests, like there would be this fear of, oh my God, is something wrong with me? Oh my God, is there something wrong with this baby?

Um, and instead I'm sitting and tuning into my body, tuning into my baby, like, and just trusting that everything is okay. So yeah, I plan to free birth this baby at home with my partner. And that's like, even just getting to that was a big challenge. Because I so when we when we first met, we sat and we did what we call the relationship interview. And one of the questions on this relationship interview was, what is your current like biggest dream? And at the time I said, oh, to have a wild pregnancy and a free birth. And I was like super into it at that time. I was so like I was listening to so many podcasts and I was like feeling so it at that time. I was so like, I was listening to so many podcasts and I was like feeling so empowered and so inspired by it. But at that time it felt like something

that was so far away. Um, and it's really beautiful that it felt so far away. And it was only like a year later I got pregnant. But then when I found out I was pregnant, I was like, I need to make a choice now because I've been talking all of this free birth wild pregnancy talk. Now I have to decide, is that actually what's going to feel safest for me? Is that actually what's going to feel best in my body and feel best for this baby? And at first I was like, I was so scared to make the choice. And, you know, I have navigated this very openly, very like, if I change my mind, I change my mind. I'm not attached, as you said, I'm not attached to the idea that I have to free birth this baby. And I'm not going to not choose it at this point because of like the fear of whatever. I'm only going to change my mind when my intuition is like, something is wrong. You need this. Or my body is like, yo, something is wrong. You need help. I feel really safe in myself to wait and receive the communication from my body first, instead of just assuming something is wrong and going and

seeking help to reassure me. Nope, you're all good. Everything's fine. Baby's fine. So that feels really good for me. But, but yeah, it's really beautiful to, to reflect and be like, wow, that was like my biggest dream a year and a half ago now. And I'm living it right now, which is just, yeah, so powerful. Um, but yeah, I also have, I have a friend who she was the one that I called when I wanted to be, um, seen and, and, uh, witnessed and held in that initial joy of finding out that I was pregnant. Um, and she's going to be, yeah, like kind of on call. Um, if, if I feel at some point that I want her space holding as well. Um, so yeah, that's, that's the, the like plan, not that we can plan anything. That's the intention. Um, that's my intention is to, yeah, is to free birth and to, um, really, yeah, do everything that I can to have a full

physiological birth. Um, Because yeah, that's just what feels best in my body. And it took me a while to fully stand in that truth. I talked to three different midwives before I fully made that decision. Because I was like, I also don't want to be coming from the place of this is the only option for me. If there was a midwife that I really resonated with and I felt like I will get the care that I actually want, then I would go with her. It's not like I'm not anti-midwife. I'm pro-physiological birth. That's it. So yeah, I talked to three different midwives and it was like they it started like full misalignment.

And the next one was like it felt like she didn't even want to be talking to me. And I was like, this feels icky. I don't like this. When I got off the phone, I did like a shiver. I was just like, oh, that doesn't feel good um and then the third one I talked to we actually had a really beautiful conversation and talked about pregnancy and birth that's a rite of passage and the relationship between birth and death um and that was really beautiful and I could have gone with her but there was just something energetically that I was just like,

there's just something that didn't feel fully clean and clear. Um, and so I was still like, unsure. And she ended up, um, she, when I told her like, thank you for, you know, talking to me and sharing, um, she was like, if you change your mind, like if you're, she said, I'm assuming you're planning to free birth at this point. If you're, if you change your mind, please let me know if you want any like blood tests or anything done, like I will, I will help you please just let me know. So I was like, wow, that felt like a really best of both worlds kind of situation where it was like, I have somebody who has offered to support me in the midwife world. Should I ask for that support? And yeah, it got to the point where I was really in my head because I was afraid to fully claim the desire to and the intention to free birth.

And I asked my partner, like, I just need your full opinion on this. Like, I just need to know what you're feeling. Because the whole time he was, like, so supportive. Just whatever you feel is best, I trust you. Do whatever you feel. Like, I support you with whatever choice you make. And I'm like, but I need to know whatever you feel like I support you with whatever choice you make. And I'm like, but I need to know what you actually think. Like, do you? And I was just like, I know that you'll support me in whatever I do. I know that. And I trust that, but I want to know like unfiltered,

what do you think? And he's like, I think that you could do this on your own. I think that you can do this with me and you, and I don't think that you need anything, anyone else. I think you're still like seeking safety outside of yourself right now. And I was like, thank you. That is what I needed to hear. Thank you. Um, so to know that he feels so like, just so confident, um, in holding that space for this birth to happen feels really beautiful, really, really beautiful and supportive as well. And I'm like, yeah, just I'm constantly reminded by him of how, like, just like passively by him of just how grateful I am that he is my partner. And he's the one that is, yeah, having this experience with me. There's nobody else that I would want to navigate this with. And yeah, I'm so excited because you see in like the media and society, like, oh, men are

passing out when they see their wife give birth. And it's this like, oh my God, this like gross, weird, like, ah, scary thing. And he's just like, I'm so excited. You've got this. He'll listen to like the free birth podcasts with me and we talk about it and getting, yeah, just getting educated together, which feels really great. He's just like, yeah, he's so in it. That is all so, so cool to hear. Again, reflecting back on my own experience, I had a home birth. And at the time of trying to make that decision and actually commit to planning and holding that intention in its entirety, I went through a lot of what

you just described. And I think for me, I was a former nurse. So coming from that very medicalized background, a home birth was the compromise and a home birth was what felt right for that pregnancy and that birth. So it's just really cool to hear everything that you've worked through to get to this point. And I was gonna ask you what Florian's thoughts were on that and then you brought it up and then I was gonna ask if he's doing anything to prepare because I feel like it's one thing for us as the woman

to kind of just start immersing ourselves and absorbing everything there is to know about birth. But if our partner hasn't then it can't be it's not always as supportive because then they're going to be like holy shit what is happening I didn't know you made those sounds I didn't know that this happened in your body like it looks like you're suffering when really you're not so it's really cool to hear that he has been really absorbing everything he can. I think that's so, so, so special. Yeah, it's just super cool just to hear it all. I'm so excited for you guys. Whatever happens, like it's cool because you've already had this massive, transforming, expansive experience to get to this point. So even if the outcome isn't what you might be hoping,

for lack of a better word, there's still probably so much to gain from all of this. And that's just absolutely beautiful. Yeah. And it makes me, it makes me really excited. So, um, to bring my relationship with my body into this, I grew up dancing from the time I was like five years old. Um, I like dance has been my entire identity growing up. And up until I was like 22, I was dancing professionally. Um, and then I like had, yeah, just not so great experiences. And I abruptly exited the dance world. And that was when I started doing yoga and was like connecting to my body in that way. Um, so I've always been very physically connected to my body and just feeling all of the energy in my body. And I'm really grateful for dance for creating that really solid foundation for me. Um, but

with everything that I shared, um, earlier, um, when I was, you know, figuring out who I was, a lot of this was body led and guided by, yeah, just fully guided by my body expressing and feeling my emotions. And I really was just allowing my body to tell me what to do. So I feel like I already have so much trust in my body that, you know, it's going to release however it wants to release this emotion. You know, I'm going to cry and I'm going to look whatever way I'm going to look or I'm going to rage and I'm going to look however I'm going to look and really just focusing more on the feeling and the sensation.

So for me, it felt like it just feels really natural to choose to trust my body and allow my body to be the thing that guides me. And also my sister who's had four babies, um, she, her first baby was in the hospital and it was very traumatic for her, for the baby, even for my mom who was there. There was a lot of like things that happened intervention wise that created other issues. And yeah, when she got pregnant with her second baby, she decided to go with a midwife and have a home birth. And like just going from the hospital to home birth was a huge, like it felt really radical at the time. Um, cause nobody else in and around our family was doing that. Um, so she, yeah, she was the one who like got to kind of rewrite

the way that our family births in this generation. And, um, she birthed her next two babies at home as well um so I felt like I already it wasn't like oh hospital or free birth I already was coming from oh I've witnessed not physically like been there and witnessed but I've witnessed my sister choose home birth three times now after having a hospital birth. And, you know, her second baby, even my mom was like, I can't imagine anything different now. Like it just was so beautiful and calm. And she got to be in her bed after and her midwives brought her toast and tea. And like, it was just such a beautiful thing to, to now watch my sister, like rewrite the story of birth. Um, and what it feels like for me is like, she was carrying the torch from hospital to home birth and now she's passed it to me and I get to

take it a little bit further, which is, yeah, kind of like, it's that like older sister energy. She paves the way and she gets to a certain point where she's like, okay, this is, this is good for me. This feels good for me. And then I'm like, oh, we've made it so far. Let's keep going. And I get to continue paving the way from where she left off. Um, so yeah, I don't know if I would be I'm gonna say courageous enough um to choose free birth if I didn't already see what she has done you know if she had birthed all her babies in the hospital maybe I would be the one that was choosing to just birth at home with a midwife maybe I wouldn't be choosing yeah free birth who knows But yeah, I'm also really grateful to have witnessed her journey and her path in that so that I can, yeah, it's kind of

that same like permission for me to show up in my fullness. Because I don't have to do the work of, you know, getting my family to understand why I want to have a home birth. She already did a lot of that foundational work for me that even telling my mom, like, I was so scared to tell my mom that I wasn't going with a midwife. And I just straight up said to her, like, I'm so scared to tell you this. I'm scared that you're not going to understand me. I'm scared that you're going to judge me. I'm scared that you're going to tell me what to do. And she was just like, Eden, you are so courageous. Like, I wish that I could have done that when I was pregnant. And then she was like, there's one thing, one blood test that I would encourage you to do, which is the like RH compatibility blood test.

But I was like, eh, I sat with it for a little bit and was like, it doesn't feel like I don't feel like I need to do that. But even so, like out of all of the things that she could have said, you need to do this and this and this and this, she was like, there's just one thing. And it was based off of her own experience, you know course but yeah even that like the way that she received me in that I was just like wow wow this is really really beautiful I literally had full body chills listening to so much of that I also love that you made the distinction just between like had your sister not have had and been able to model those experiences to you maybe you wouldn't be having the same

intention um because again this kind of mirrors or parallels aspects of our conversation earlier in the sense of like social constructs and like what people outside of us are expecting from us. And I think you kind of already named it, the fact that home birth and birthing with a midwife had already been normalized in like your family circle that gives you the permission slip to like do that or do something even bigger, greater, however you want to look at it. And I loved your torch analogy because I was kind of having that visualization of it too. And that is just so beautiful. And I can't imagine what it's like for your mom to witness her daughters doing this and

breaking cycles. And that stuff just lights me up because I feel like that is a big part of my why. And just like the work that I'm doing is the generational change and the ripple effect that our conscious and intentional choices make for future generations. And it just like lights me up to hear all of that. It's so, so cool. So, so cool. Yeah, it's really, it's really powerful. And I can feel because it wasn't that many generations ago that, you know, the women in my family were like home birthing was the only option, you know, for Florian and his family, he is from Albania, like up secluded in the mountains. Um, his family was very, very secluded and his mom free birthed him not out of choice, but that's the only, that was the only way, um, which I'm really grateful for, uh, because they've been like, he's like, it's so awesome. I just tell them, oh yeah, we're not having anyone. And they're like, okay, that's normal to us, you know. So I'm really grateful for the ease in that. But yeah, it feels it feels really like a reclamation of my power and the trust in my body when, yeah, I feel like from my experience society is teaching us to disconnect

disconnect disconnect from our bodies and our intuition um so it really feels like the most powerful way for me to reclaim all of that um and yeah like course, I'm open to it. And I trust that it's going to unfold however it's supposed to and however it needs to. And I have no control over it anyways. So yeah, it feels like the choice feels really now, now that I've made it and I've spoken it out loud, it feels really easy and fluid because there is no force. There is no expectation. There's no birth plan of this needs to be this way and that needs to be that way. It's just, I'm going to let my body lead and I'm sure I'm going to come up against blocks where I'm like, fuck, fuck. And then I soften and I open. And yeah, yeah. Like it just, it just feels

so fluid, which feels really great in my body. It comes back to what we were saying about like, not micromanaging our life. And you are, you are embodying that you are not micromanaging this birth. Back in the days when I was sort of dabbling in childbirth education and birth work, I used to always say like, not to let other people's fears in your birth space. And I think it's so beautiful that you are experiencing unconditional support from some of your biggest like space holders in your life. And instead of them kind of bringing their own fears up or trying to talk you out of it or coming from past. Well, I mean, I suppose they are sort of coming from past experiences because Florian's family has the positive past experience and now your sister has the positive past

experience. So I guess that's the difference is you already have people around you who believe in birth. And for so many other women, they are up against a society and a culture and an inner circle of people that don't believe in birth and don't believe in the innate wisdom and power of a woman's body. So that's just beautiful in itself that you are getting to experience that and getting to be the center of it all. Yeah, it feels, I feel really grateful. And this conversation has been so beautiful in helping me to like, see it all as a whole and just, yeah, be really grateful for the, each individual person and how they've supported me directly or indirectly in choosing this for myself. Um, yeah, it feels really good. And I love that you, um, brought up that like fear

in not letting other people's fear in the birth space. Um, cause that's like my number one kind of thing. And even my friend, um, Aviana, who I've asked her to be like on call, uh, she has been like, if you change your mind, like, just tell me, you know, I'm not expecting you to, um, like I have no expectations. If you change your mind, just let me know. And she checked in with me like a week or so ago and was like, I just, I really need to talk to you about this. And I was like, yeah, okay. And she's like, you know, I don't know anything about birth. I'm not like, I'm not educated in this way. And I have another friend who's like super into birth work. She's not a birth worker yet. She will be at some point in

her lifetime. But she's like, she's so into it. She's so like lit up by it. And she's like, you know, are you sure that you want me and not her? And I was like, it's not about who knows birth best. I don't know. I like, yes, okay, I can listen to podcasts, I can read books, I can watch documentaries, you know, but I don't know either. I don't know what's going to happen. I'm just, I'm going into it pretty, just like open to experiencing whatever is going to happen. But I said, like, the reason I want you there is because I so deeply trust your ability to hold space and to witness me and not try to save me, not try to fix me, not try to change anything, but just be there to witness and hold. I was like, that's why I would want you there. Not because you know what to do in these situations. Like that's not your responsibility. And like, she just like fully softened and was like, okay, okay. Yes.

Um, but that's it. That's the same with my partner. Like I fully trust his ability and his capacity to be that space holder, um, to hold the container, to not try to micromanage me and fix me and change me. And, um, yeah, like, yeah, I'm just, I'm so grateful for those two. They're like my go-to masculine space holder, my go-to feminine space holder. Um, so it feels really beautiful to have like both the masculine and the feminine if, uh, yeah, if I in the moment need and like also that freedom of like call me if you want me I'm not going to be upset if you don't call me um which feels really great really

really great so again like detaching from any outcomes because truly when we start attaching to outcomes then we start micromanaging so again that fluid fluidity that word doesn't sound right coming out of my mouth fluid the fluidity of it all is just so beautiful and I think like that is the missing piece of so many people's birth plans right is they do get so attached and they do start micromanaging and they just have these expectations and truly like it's your body that's holding the wisdom. It doesn't matter how much you know or don't know about birth, like to soften and being able to open and being able to release like that's all parts of it. But yeah, it's such a beautiful conversation. Thank you for just opening up and being vulnerable and sharing all those different threads of how you got to where you are today. I've loved, loved, loved listening to it. Thank you, Eden. Is there anything else that is on your heart

that you'd like to share or are you feeling complete? No, I think, yeah, I think that feels really great. It's been really beautiful to, yeah, kind of sit and witness myself speaking to all of these things, um, and hearing your questions and, um, yeah, just to kind of like have it all laid out in one place has felt really, yeah, just really nourishing. And I feel like I, I am walking away from this conversation with a bit of a different perspective of where I'm at and more permission to just be here and be in it. And yeah, because, yeah, I'm not micromanaging the birth and the pregnancy, but I feel like

I'm still trying to micromanage other areas of my life. So that reflection was, yeah, very deeply received and I think needed. So, yeah, just thank you for having me. Thank you for this beautiful conversation and showing up in this space and creating that, yeah, that safe space to speak and to share and to be witnessed. And yeah, thank you. Okay, before you go, I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to listen to this episode. If you were thinking of anyone while listening, please send it their way. And if anything resonated with you, or you love these conversations, please subscribe and leave a review. This really helps the podcast algorithms put my show in front of more people just like you. And the last thing, I would love nothing more than hearing from you. So say hi, DM me on Instagram and give me a follow at Nicole Pasvir. Until next time.