REWILD + FREE - WTF is matrescence? And honest insights from my recent "pre-launch”

Episode Date: May 30, 2023

Ridin' solo to share my reflections and insights from the presale I just completed for my upcoming group mastermind called Recalibrate. I discuss some of the parallels I've noticed between launching a new offer and preparing for birth. In the second half of the episode, I introduce you to the topic of matrescence. WTF is it? And why should you care?   Click here to connect with me on IG (@nicolepasveer) and let me know if anything resonated for you from this episode! Apply to be a guest on the show by clicking here Support the showConnect with Nicole on IG (@nicolepasveer) Want to be a guest on the podcast? Fill out this form

Welcome to the Not Just a Mom Show, where we have open and honest conversations about the vulnerabilities and the victories within entrepreneurship and new motherhood. If we haven't met yet, I'm Nicole Pazvir and I'm going to be your host. Here on the show, we don't subscribe to perfection. In fact, being present is the new perfect and showing up messy is the new norm. My hope is that this podcast serves as a safe space for me and inspiration for you to stop living life watered down. Together, we will uncover versions of our most potent selves where we show up unapologetically, intentionally, and without filter. We are worthy, just as we are,

as all that we are, not just the label we put on ourselves. We are more than just a mom, and I'm so glad you're here. So this is episode 11. I literally cannot believe it. And it's funny because ever since episode one, I've wanted to redo my intro. And obviously that isn't happening. It's the same intro since the beginning. And maybe one day, one day I'll get there. For now, it's good enough. So anyways, for this episode, I wanted to talk about a couple of things. I wanted to share some of the insights that I learned from my recent pre-sale non-launch launch for Recalibrate. I'm thrilled to announce that I have three people already inside. And yeah,

I just want to kind of share some of the behind the scenes there because I learned a lot along the way and I think it can be useful information if you are also building a business and dealing with launch strategies yourself. The other thing I wanted to talk about is finally and officially introducing the topic of matrescence. For those that don't know, I am knees deep into a Seasons of Matrescence facilitator training. I've been enjoying every minute of it, but it's also been a lot. And I've been taking the time to allow myself to digest it before I've wanted to talk about it. So I'm finally at a place now where I feel confident enough to share some of my understandings around the topic. And then also in the coming weeks, I have three different conversations with women who are sharing their journey of matrescence and who

have either been through the same training I am or are currently in the same cohort as me. So they're really amazing conversations because we're all integrating it differently in our lives. And yeah, so this episode, I just want to kind of introduce what matrescence is and why you should know about it. So I guess to start, let me just dive right into sharing some of the behind the scenes behind my launch non-launch for the longest time I really did not want to call it a launch I didn't want to get wrapped up into the strategy of things and I'm proud to say that even though there were close calls of wanting to throw in the towel of doing it my way and wanting to clench back to some of the strategy that I've been told to do and the strategy that I've kind of been promised that

works I was able to resist that temptation and kind of plowed through the uncomfortableness and the resistance that my shadow self was putting me through and did things my way. And it's really cool because everything turned out better than I could have imagined. And I think that's part of the lesson of it all is when you truly do trust the process and surrender and allow things to just kind of happen for you, magic actually does happen. And so I experienced that. And since reflecting on how the couple of weeks and planning, right? trying to visualize and dream and not get stuck in the worst case scenarios, but instead actually focus on the best case scenarios, almost as a coping mechanism to not get too hard on yourself. And then that kind of transitions into this major period of anticipation and then surrender,

where it's kind of out of your control at this point. You just have to like see if the hard work you put in ahead of time is actually going to pay off. And for me, it was this really humbling experience of practicing the balance and the ebb and flow of doing versus being. And in terms of doing, that was obviously creating, I didn't have a sales page, but creating the Google document, for example, that I had all the details in and creating some of the emails so they were automated as soon as someone joined the wait list. And then the being kind of came when I would allow people to actually like go through those hoops and see my post on Instagram, decide for themselves to join the wait list, receive that email, and then take intentional

action and reach out to me if they actually wanted more details on recalibrate. And for me, the act of being came from instead of trying to micromanage or control the situation, I forced myself to just remain present. And instead of being reactive, I really tried to be responsive. And I think that worked out well. I'm, I'm really happy with the results. And I think, looking back, there were so many moments where I felt like I had no idea what I was doing. And I felt like I had no idea what I was doing and I felt like I was doing things very like counterculture countercultural to the way we've kind of been told we should do business and the way we've kind of been told we should run a launch for a group program or a mastermind at this level. And I kept telling myself that this is allowed to be easy. This is allowed to be fun. And anytime I was meeting moments of resistance in the sense

of feeling frustrated with whatever I was doing, I allowed myself to kind of take a step back and reset and really discern between, am I just doing this because someone told me I should or am I doing this because I actually want to and because I think this is actually what recalibrate needs for me in order to make this thing more visible and another strategy that I kind of played around with was instead of like planning everything out, I literally didn't do any planning. It was like a day by day thing where I would just kind of check in with myself and visualize, recalibrate and ask her what she wanted me to make known today. And that was awkward at first, super awkward, but I got really comfortable with seeing recalibrate as this separate entity that I am just kind of the medium in which she is

being brought to life with. And again, in terms of like a parallel to birth, it's kind of that reminder that you and your baby are always a team. And as much as you want to have full control over the birth experience and when your baby's going to come and what the birth outcome is going toates labor. We know that baby is doing their own movements and all the things to make their way through the birth canal. And there's obviously things we can do to influence the outcome, but there's also a lot of things we don't have control over. And I kind of felt that being in this toxic toxic masculine energy versus a more gentle feminine energy and what I mean by that is like in terms of business and strategy

and trying to micromanage and control things and having that mindset that like I just have to do enough like I just have to do more in order to get better results versus the more feminine side of things where you're actually comfortable with just being and more comfortable with trusting the evolution in the process and just that really, really deep trust that however it turns out is exactly how it's supposed to be. So I led from that place. I led from this inner knowing that whatever the outcome of Recalibrate is, is exactly what it's supposed to be for the women inside. And for me, right? Like I'm very comfortable now saying that I have no idea what recalibrate is going to turn into because I truly believe that it is dependent on the women inside who are joining me on this paradigm shift. And it's dependent on the vulnerability and the place of non-judgment,

genuine curiosity and deep desire to see all parts of themselves. All of that is going to determine the transformations that come from Recalibrate. I'm not promising anything. What I do promise is that I will hold space and I will hold these women and lead them. I will shine a flashlight on the path that they're walking, but I don't have a roadmap for that path. And it took me a while to get comfortable with saying that because a part of me thought, oh, like this isn't going to be successful if I can't promise a transformation. This isn't going to be successful

if I can't clearly articulate to them what they're going to get out of this. And I think one of the coolest things is the three women that have jumped inside already have already taken radical responsibility and know that it's on them to actually see that transformation. And they've chosen to trust me. They've chosen to trust Recalibrate. And most of all, they've chosen to trust themselves. And that's the most exciting part that they are choosing themselves over anything. And we know that we can't pour from an empty cup. So if these women are already saying yes to themselves, it's just going to keep getting better and better. They're going to keep filling their cup even more full,

and that's going to trickle out to their family and their business. And that's super exciting. Anyways, the other thing I was saying is just going back to the pendulum swings that I found myself on and the pendulum swing of getting too wrapped up into strategy versus almost being like anti-strategy I realized that both extremes are harmful and I really had to find my own center but the other thing I realized is that center can't be defined by anyone else I had to determine that center for myself and that's kind of what I believe it means to be in

alignment and kind of using your values and your vision as a compass to find that center. And I got to experience that. And I'm super excited to share that experience and share kind of how I did that with the women inside Recalibrate so that they can do the same. Because I think that is how we can finally find harmony between motherhood and business is coming back to center, recalibrating the way we do things and the way we think about things and actually discerning between, is this actually like my belief? Is this actually my desire? Or am I just doing things because it's the way it's always been done? Am I just doing things because I've been living by default and on autopilot for so long? And am I just doing things

because it feels too unsafe for my nervous system to do anything else. If that's the case, we're going to create that safety. We're going to create that safe place for you to start exploring your edges so that you can get confident and comfortable to actually expand and break free from those edges, smash the box you've been putting yourself in and finally start playing big. Finally start authentically expressing yourself so that your light can burn even brighter for all of your soulmate clients. And so your light can burn even brighter as the leader in your family and the model and influencer in your home. So anyways, that was my experience with Recalibrate this past week. That was just the pre-sale. I haven't even officially opened the doors to the public yet.

That is happening on June 1st, so Thursday this week. And I'm super excited because I have no idea what's going to happen next. And I've chosen to allow that to be a really exciting thing instead of being stuck in this state of fear and this state of uncertainty that in the past would have kept me really small. It would have kept me really small and on kind of the straight and narrow path where I knew I couldn't fail. I'm not doing that anymore. So yeah, that's my last week with Recalibrate. I want to get into matrescence now and just explaining kind of my understanding of the term and the philosophy behind it and why we should care about it, why it should become more common language, and also how it plays a part in the way we show up as mothers

and the way we show up in our business. So all in all, this whole conversation kind of has a lot of overlap, which is why I've combined the two topics. But to start, I want to pull a quote from my mentor right now, Nikki McCann. She says, matrescence normalizes the turbulence and growing pains mothers experience as they expand into the next evolution of themselves and integrate their new role in relationship. And I love that because the turbulence and growing pains that we all experience, we often shy away from. First of all, I think a lot of us can be in denial about even having them.

We try to put on this really tough front of, I'm doing okay. We don't want to be seen as weak. We don't want to be seen as weak. We don't want to be seen as a failure. Even though deep down we might be having some of those thoughts about ourselves, we don't want others to see us that way. And so to be able to normalize some of those aspects and put language to it, it breaks the cycle of silence and it actually allows us to feel less alone. It allows us to feel seen, heard, and recognized. And knowing that growing pains come with that transition kind of offers a deep sense of compassion that it doesn't mean you're failing if you experience

those growing pains. And so matrescence most simply is basically the transition of becoming a mom. And it closely resembles the developmental period of adolescence where you become a girl to a woman, a kid to a teenager, however you want to look at that. And we know with adolescence there's the hormonal changes, there's the massive identity shifts, there's the different societal expectations that the shift in role comes with, right? have a higher level of maturity. You are expected to be able to go get a driver's license. You are now allowed to drink alcohol depending on the legal drinking age in wherever you live. You get what I mean though. With that transition comes more responsibility. And with that transition comes different expectations from the outside world in which you are expected to

live by. And obviously there's the physical changes as well, the changing body for women, um, breasts and the start of menstruation and all the other things that come with puberty. And society has this, I don't want to say compassion for adolescents, but there's the permission, right? We give teenagers space to go through that transition. And there's that expectation that there's the change, that you aren't the same person that you were before you entered adolescence. And what's missing in society right now is that same permission in motherhood. right? We are living in a day and age where we're surrounded by things that are telling us that we need to get back to our old life, that we need to get back to our old career, that we need to have our pre-pregnancy body, that we need to maintain the same friend groups and not lose ourselves in motherhood. And I call BS on that. I have for a long time and I just haven't been able to have the language to explain what it should look like. And matrescence has helped me have that language. Understanding matrescence has helped me to see

that becoming a mother, not only is it a rite of passage, but it's also a part of adult development. And it's a milestone that we need to create space for. We need to start recognizing women as they embark on that maiden to mother journey. And we need to start recognizing them as that new role of mom and not just simply being called mom but the hormonal changes the physical changes the social changes the identity shift all of it and there's no clear answer on how we do this I think it starts individually I think it starts individually. I think it starts with each person having a better understanding of what comes with that transition. And like I said, when I shared that quote about the growing pains and the turbulence, if we can start normalizing those things,

that's going to indirectly offer ourselves a deeper level of self-compassion so that we aren't saying mean things to ourselves. So we aren't feeling like a failure. We aren't feeling like we're missing something or lacking something. And instead, we just value our own worth just as we are, not trying to be someone different. I want to share another quote from Nikki. She says, up until now, mothers have been living with a binary. Either motherhood is blissful, natural, and serene, or you have postnatal depression.

Matrescence gives us the framework and the lens to explore both challenge and growth in the journey to and through motherhood. And again, I think this quote just summarizes the whole matrescence experience quite beautifully because it is about the victories and the vulnerabilities, and about holding space for both, and not feeling like we have to fit into this box of either side of the pendulum. And again, there's the parallels that are coming back to my experience in business and entrepreneurship. It can be so easy to almost like clench tightly on to a way of being and a way of doing when we don't know what we're doing we can grip tightly to someone else's strategy and someone else's recipe for success and in both motherhood and in business, that's kind of when

we're stuck on that comparison hamster wheel and we start feeling like we're never good enough. And as soon as we start following someone else's roadmap and it doesn't work out for us, then we start thinking we're failing or we start thinking we don't belong and that there must be something wrong with us. And so understanding matrescence just gives room for all the nuance that exists between both ends of the extreme, motherhood being blissful and easy and natural and the other side of it. Motherhood being hard and awful and something to dread or something to move through as fast as possible or something to outsource to someone else um in in both instances like we aren't living the whole human experience we are suppressing emotions on both sides of it, right? If we are putting ourselves in the box that we love motherhood and it's so easy for us,

if we have one hard day, then poof, something must be wrong with us and we're failing. On the other side, in the other box, if we have postnatal depression and postpartum anxiety and we feel like we are struggling and we can't see a way out it can be really really hard to find joy and find the light in anything and again like i'm not i'm not here to say that people are putting themselves in that box obviously that's not the case nobody chooses to have postpartum depression but I do think that the way our world is or the way our culture or lack of culture supports women is basically pushing people into that box. It's perpetuating the increase of postpartum depression and the increase in postpartum anxiety, and it's not really giving women space and permission to just feel the things. I don't necessarily want to get into this because I'm not a perinatal mental health expert by any means. I also understand that everyone has their own unique experience in this and

their own source of getting out of it too. So I'm not here to say that this is the way to do it. What I am here to say is that matrescence, the framework of matrescence, the philosophy of matrescence gives us space to hold all of it and just see all parts of it and culturally normalize and support all parts of it. Because I think that's what we're lacking right now. We're lacking that community recognition and that social recognition of seeing mothers in the new role that they carry when they become a mom. Another big aspect of matrescence and the facilitator training I'm doing is really understanding and helping to support women through the identity shift. And when we look at identity, identity is twofold,

and it's how we view ourselves, but also how others view us. And so that's where the social recognition and the community piece is so important and how our community and our support system views us as we become mom. And I think for many who became mothers during the pandemic, it was extra hard because we were in isolation. And even in my own experience, like I was, I was pregnant in, I think one one of the waves of the pandemic. And there were people in my friend group that didn't even really see much of my growing body. And to expect someone to just all of a sudden recognize you as this whole new version of yourself when they didn't get to be part of

that transition, it's no wonder that there's that disconnect of potentially them still seeing you and holding on to the old version of you because that's all they remember. They weren't part of the process and the transition. And I think this can happen, I mean, pandemic aside, it can happen internally too if you're not kind of taking the time in pregnancy to start connecting to the changes and to start holding space for all the shifts happening within you. And then all of a sudden, nine months goes by and now you have this little human that's depending on you but you might not even see yourself as a mom yet um talk about feelings of inadequacy and

failure and just not valuing yourself because you've clung on to the idea that you are only valuable and you're only worthy if you're productive and you're only worthy if you are contributing to society in the sense of a career outside the home or you're only worthy if you can finish your to-do list and we all know that in motherhood those things aren't really possible um you really have to get comfortable with just being and I learned that the hard way um and again back to business like I I've just noticed and can't unsee now that I've seen all the parallels between building a business offers, and going through pregnancy and birth and that transition of becoming a mom.

I can't unsee the parallels, and I can't unsee just the same themes that keep coming up for myself, not in terms of them being things that I haven't worked through yet, but just being like speed bumps in my life path and hiccups that shine light on my blind spots and my insecurities. And I've chosen to see all those things, those triggering moments as signposts to better myself and to embark on this massive healing journey. Like I say, like motherhood has been a huge catalyst for me in my own personal

development and my own personal discovery. And entrepreneurship also has. So I often feel crazy for doing both at the same time because it's really just increased the speed at which I'm unraveling all the layers and coming home to the truest version of myself. Anyways, I feel like I'm on the verge of rambling. I think I've touched on most of the aspects I wanted to talk about, just kind of explaining what matrescence is, explaining kind of the lack of social recognition that our society has in that transition, and then talking about the identity shift and the importance of being seen by others, but also seeing yourself. I think the only other thing I wanted to talk about is understanding that identity is different than self. And identity is something that is constantly evolving,

constantly evolving, and just constantly shifting depending on who we're with or what our role is, right? Like, for example, if you're at like a mommy and me group, you're very likely going to say like, hi, my name is Nicole and I'm Aubrey's mom. Versus if I'm at, I don't know, like a coffee shop and I'm talking to some guy who's outside walking his dog, I might not lead with, I'm Aubrey's mom. I'm more likely going to lead with, oh, I'm a, I don't even know. I feel like back in the day it would have been like, oh, I'm a nurse. Like, what do you do? Something like that. And just sharing that to kind of paint the picture that our identity shifts depending on the environment we're in the thing that stays the same is our sense of self and our sense of self being our core being and our core values and our our core I was going to say identity but if I threw identity in

right there that would have confused everyone but just like our core essence and I think part of understanding matrescence and I think my role as becoming, my role in becoming a matrescence facilitator is being able to helping women shed layers of themselves so that they can really see themselves in their true essence. It's kind of like those those like nesting dolls. And so identity can kind of be seen as the multiple layers and the multiple hats we wear depending on what we're doing or who we're with. And then self being that like one tiny doll in the core of all the different layers of nesting dolls. And I think when we can get more intimate with our sense of self,

that's when we become more unwavering in our identity and we become more unwavering in our confidence and our self-worth and our self-love and being able to give less fucks about things and be more unapologetic, heal from people-pleasing tendencies and good girl conditioning and all those things and really just start shedding the layers that don't belong to us anymore. The layers that were kind of put on to us from societal expectations um anyways so that's kind of my take on matrescence so far that's sort of what i've digested um it's been really cool it's been a really transformative experience and journey for myself but i'm also really excited to be able to keep learning more

and actually learn some of the tools and frameworks to help support women through this journey. Like I said, in the coming weeks, I have conversations with some other women who are in the same cohort as me, and then also someone who was in the previous cohort and we all have very unique matrescence stories and so I'm really excited for you to hear their their versions of their journey and yeah the way I see it is we're all walking in the same trench but we're on our own path um and i think the trench is a whole lot less lonely if we actually start holding hands and actually start seeing each other and shining a flashlight on each other's paths so that it doesn't feel like we're doing this crazy impossible thing alone. And truth is, we're all just walking each other home

and we're not supposed to do any of this alone right we know we're supposed to have a village we're supposed to have that community support and that social recognition um so anyways yeah i think matrescence is part of how we culturally shift the way we're going i think it's the start of a paradigm shift. It's the start of modeling something different for future generations so that Aubrey and our other sons and daughters aren't living in the same state of disconnection that we are. So I'm going to leave it at that. I wanted to keep this episode on the shorter end of things. And I think I have, um, like I said, tune into the following weeks

where I have conversations with some other women who are sharing their matrescence journey with us. Um, and yeah, so that's it for now. Okay. Before you go, I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to listen to this episode. If you were thinking of anyone while listening, please send it their way. And if anything resonated with you or you love these conversations, please subscribe and leave a review. This really helps the podcast algorithms, um algorithms put my show in front of more people

just like you. And the last thing, I would love nothing more than hearing from you. So say hi, DM me on Instagram, and give me a follow at NicolePasvir. Until next time.