Right About Now with Ryan Alford - Becoming the Man with Larry Hagner

Episode Date: April 23, 2024

TAKEAWAYSFatherhood and personal experiencesImpact of upbringing on parenting stylesForgiveness and grace in parentingFamily dynamics and complexitiesImportance of being present in children's livesThe Dad Edge's approach to teaching fatherhood skillsImportance of proactive learning and training for fatherhoodPractical advice for fathers to create connection with their childrenCreating a supportive and connected family environmentFostering open communication with childrenTIMESTAMPSFatherhood and Personal Reflection (00:00:00) Discussion about the impact of becoming a father and reflecting on one's upbringing and decisions made.Introduction and Background (00:01:01) Introduction of Larry Hagner, CEO and founder of The Dad Edge, and a brief discussion about the podcast's audience and the importance of being a father.Larry's Personal Story (00:02:30) Larry shares his experience of raising four boys, his wife's support, and the challenges he faced due to his upbringing.Impact of Childhood on Parenting (00:05:45) Larry discusses how his childhood experiences influenced his initial struggles as a father and his commitment to learning and improving.Reconnection with Father (00:08:14) Larry shares the unexpected encounter and reconnection with his father after many years and the subsequent development of their relationship.Forgiveness and Grace (00:10:45) Larry's realization and journey towards forgiveness, and the impact of his experiences on his parenting approach.Reflection on Fatherhood (00:14:52) Larry reflects on the impact of becoming a father and the importance of being present in his children's lives.Discussion on Forgiveness and Grace (00:19:09) Further discussion on the importance of grace and forgiveness, and personal experiences related to fatherhood and divorce.The Dad Edge (00:20:02) Larry explains the purpose of The Dad Edge and its focus on building better connections and relationships with family.Learning Skills for Fatherhood (00:20:26) Larry compares learning fatherhood skills to training for a fight, emphasizing the importance of learning and developing the necessary skills.Choosing the Right Partner (00:24:32) The discussion touches on the need to train men on choosing the right partner and the importance of continual improvement in relationships.Cultivating Connection with Teenagers (00:26:49) Larry shares insights on creating an environment where teenagers feel connected and open up to their parents.Importance of Proactive Counseling (00:27:48) The conversation highlights the need for proactive counseling and preventive measures in relationships, rather than waiting for issues to escalate.Communication and Emotional Validation (00:29:53) Larry explains the importance of emotionally validating one's partner and children, and the shared relationship needs of feeling seen, heard, and safe.Connecting with Kids (00:35:44) Larry discusses the importance of asking children about the best part of their day to cultivate gratitude and excitement, and encouraging them to share their failures to foster growth.Preparing for Tests (00:40:04) Encouraging critical thinking and planning for academic challenges.Building Psychological Safety (00:40:55) Fostering open communication and trust to handle difficult situations.Engaging with Children (00:42:42) Creating meaningful connections and being a supportive guide in their lives.Connecting with The Dad Edge (00:43:46) Information on resources and programs offered by The Dad Edge. If you enjoyed this episode and want to learn more, join Ryan’s newsletter https://ryanalford.com/newsletter/ to get Ferrari level advice daily for FREE.  Learn how to build a 7 figure business from your personal brand by signing up for a FREE introduction to personal branding https://ryanalford.com/personalbranding.  Learn more by visiting our website at www.ryanisright.comSubscribe to our YouTube channel  www.youtube.com/@RightAboutNowwithRyanAlford. 

There's something I think that really happens to you when you become a father and throughout your own journey as a father, you start to look at the way you were raised and decisions that were made very differently and through a different lens. And some of that lens is quite frankly, it feels heavy and some of it feels almost forgiving. This is Right About Now with Ryan Alford, a Radcast Network production. We are the number one business show on the planet with over 1 million downloads a month. Taking the BS out of business for over six years and over 400 episodes. You ready to start snapping necks and cashing checks?

It starts right about now. Hey guys, what's up? Welcome to Right About Now. I'm Ryan Offord, your host, and first and foremost, I'm a dad. Running a podcast, running multiple businesses, but people ask me, what do you do? And I've gotten to where now I say, I'm a dad. That's first and foremost. Father, husband, those things are most important to me, which is why I really loved talking with my friend, Larry Hagner, who's the CEO and founder of The Dad Edge, who's here with us today. Larry, it's great having you.

What's up, Ryan, man? It's good to be on this side of it, man. When I had you on my podcast, I think I told you we had a ton of downloads, ton of engagement on social, and people in particular really loved your stance on setting the standard for kids, man. They liked that a lot. And so did I. Yeah. I try to practice what I preach and try to keep work and life in balance. And I don't know, it was refreshing to talk with you. And I'm excited to have you on because look, you know, our audience skews heavily towards males and fathers and a lot of executives that have children. And so I think the story that you can bring, building a business around being a dad, writing your book, the podcast. Let's be honest, like the most value I could bring to my audience is that how to give the dads that listen to right about now an edge.

So let's let's set the table for him, Larry. Let's give him a little bit of that origin story. You've got some unique parts to that that will be interesting to our audience. But tell us, tell who is Larry Hagner? Well, first, man, I'm same as you. I'm a dad. I'm a husband. I have four boys. I'll have an 18-year-old in two weeks as we record right now. So I have an 18-year-old-ish, a 16-year-old, a 10-year-old, an eight-year-old, all boys. People ask me, they're like, what's it like, man? What's it like raising four boys?

I'm like, just imagine this. It's a drunk fraternity house where no one wants to sleep and you never get to leave and you don't sleep either. That's pretty much my house. I find things in places, man. No kidding around.

I found a half-eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich on the sink of my bathroom. I don things in places, man. No kidding around. I found a half-eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich on the sink of my bathroom. I don't know how it got there. I might've left it when I got out of the shower. I don't know. No kidding. I'm serious about that though. I actually found a half-eaten Uncrustable on the sink of my kid's bathroom. I was like, oh my gosh. You say things out loud, Ryan, to these human beings that I either said in college or I didn't even think to say in college. So that's been married for, this will be 21 years. So my wife and I will finally be allowed to drink together, which would be awesome. But yeah, man, she's my best friend, man. She is my rock star, our foundation. And there is absolutely a solid space for her in heaven, dealing with all this

testosterone and absolute chaos that she deals with. All moms are saints on some levels, right? Oh man. I think they are for sure. But my wife, I'm just like, I ask her sometimes, I'm like, how do you do it? And she'll be like, she's like, I don't know. But if you ever figure it out, let me know. My wife gets asked that a lot too. And our kids are a little younger, you know, haven't hit all of the teen. Like we just hit teen years with one. So just now starting to get into those territories. I have a feeling that she'll be earning stripes even more here over the next

five to seven years. I'm telling you, man, I think there should be like the Oscars or like the Emmys or something like that. It's just crazy. Like some of the stories that we tell as parents, it's just wow. Like it's, but I know it's not just us. It's like these funny things happen in everybody's house. But yeah, that is me present day as far as like how I got into this. One day, man, on a Sunday morning, it was just, it was a beautiful day. I opened up the window, sunlight hit my face and somehow, some way I knew all the answers of being a good husband and father. And at that moment, I just had to share it with the world. And that was about 10 years ago. And that's totally BS. That is not my origin story.

and that's totally BS. That is not my origin story. It did not happen like in this great way. It actually, dude, it was messy. It was dark. It was not good. And to be honest, man, it really, I think stemmed from my childhood, like the way I grew up and I'll share my story kind of briefly without getting into the weeds too much. But I think it really started there because when I first got married 21 years ago, I made an oath. I'm like, hey, I'm going to be a really good dad and I'm going to be married once. And I'm going to do everything I can to do this well, never hit my kids out of anger. And unfortunately, I broke all of those promises except for one, and that's I'm still married. And I think my struggle really came from how I grew up.

I'm not saying that from a victim mentality. I'm actually, I love how I was brought up. There was a lot of challenge, a lot of chaos. And I think there was a time probably in my twenties and early thirties, I fell into that victim of look how bad it was. I don't do that anymore. I haven't done that for a long time. It's yeah, man, I got to learn the hard stuff and I got to learn what not to do. And I'm glad I got to, but it really came when my mom and biological father were married. They were married very young, 21. They had me pretty early on. After I was born a year after that, my dad and mom divorced, really bad, horrible divorce. They were just kids at the time, I think 25 at the time when they had me. And then my dad was out,

just left. And it wasn't until I was four, my mom got remarried to another man and crazy. But the very first time I met this guy, my mom had him over for dinner and she had been dating him a while and never met him. Never even knew a guy and seen a guy in my house. And this guy walks in to meet me and to have dinner with us. And literally he extends out his hand

and says, nice to meet you. And I literally just beaming at four years old. I'm like, are you going to be my dad? That was the first question I laid on this poor dude. And they got married. I think my mom took it as a sign. They got married a few months later. I think six months later, they were together for six years.

But absolutely just reckless, crazy, alcohol-ridden, abusive relationship. The guy would beat up on me, beat up on my mom. Tempers would flare. It was absolute chaos. And that was, I think, my first touch point of remembering what it was like having a father in the house that was just hit you and beat you up and call you names and beat up your mom. And that was tough, man. They got divorced when I was 10. And I've never seen him since. I found out about 10 years ago, he died actually, but he was out, he left. And then something really interesting happened when I was 12, started asking a lot of questions. Like, where did I come from? I know this guy came into my life at four,

cause I had no idea my mom was married once before that. And that's when she laid it on me that she had been married before. And I had a dad out there and I was like, you gotta be kidding me. I had no idea. And then when I was 12, I won't go into the details. It's a long story, but I accidentally met him when I was 12 and no idea. He lived three miles from us. He was remarried, had another son on the way. He had a two-year-old son, another one on the way. And we had this great relationship, man, for six months and came to all my little League games. I spent time with him. And then around month five, things just started to change and shift. We grew apart, we drifted,

and he left again. And we parted ways. And that, I'll be honest, that sucked. And my mom just continued to date for the next decade, date, get remarried again. She got remarried a total of three times. Every guy, man, every guy she dated, every guy she was with was like the same dude, just super abusive, partier, crazy. Just, it was, I had chaos in my family a lot. Despite all that, went on to high school, went on to college, got my degree,

went into medical device sales, married my college sweetheart. Everything was looking good. 30 years old, rolls around. I'm in a Starbucks here in St. Louis, had been married for two years, had my first son on the way. And who comes walking in for his morning coffee? My father. I hadn't seen him since I was 12. Did you recognize him? Exactly who he was. You knew exactly who he was?

Right away. Yeah. Yeah. He didn't look much different, just a little older, but I knew exactly who he was. And that interaction has now turned into a relationship that we've had for 18 years. And he's still married to the same woman, has been for 45 years. I have two younger half brothers. I get along with great. I was in my youngest brother's wedding. But I'll tell you, mother's wedding. And, but I'll tell you, Dad Edge got started because I struggled tremendously as a father. And I'll close the story with this. I told you that I made a promise that I would never strike my kids out of anger because I was hit a lot. And when my second born, who's 16 now, he was four years old at the time, had a really bad day that day at work, lost, I think my biggest,

I lost my biggest customer in medical device sales. I thought I was going to lose my job over it. And I was going to impact our income for the next 18 months. We're getting ready to move. And just one thing led to another. And I had a bad moment and I spanked him that night because he stepped out of line. And it was in that just right away, that reaction. And I'm not here to argue whether spanking is right or wrong. I just didn't want to do it. And here's the crazy thing though, man. When I spanked him, he lost his footing.

And I'm not proud of this. It kills me every time I tell the story. And he fell. And when I went to help him up, cause I was like, oh my God, what did I just do? He, I put out my hands to help him up. And he literally did oh my God, what did I just do? I put out my hands to help him up. He literally did this, put up his hands, don't hurt me. That was it. That was it. Because in that moment, I'll be honest, Ryan, I didn't see my son. I saw my son, but I saw me

begging for a guy to stop hitting me when I was little. And I was like, this has got to change. And I went on this mission, man, and I haven't stopped. That's been 12 years. I'm like, you know what? I just want to learn how to do this. I don't know what I'm doing. All I know is what not to do. And that's not enough. That's like going to Home Depot, buying your barbecue pit, and you open up the directions. It says, here's a hundred ways not to do this, but best of luck, you'll figure it out. with QPIT and you open up the directions and says, here's a hundred ways not to do this, but best of luck, you'll figure it out. And that sucked. And the past 12 years have been an education, man. Podcasts been around for nine years, 1200 episodes. You've been one of them. And I've learned something from every single guest I've had on and it's tremendously helped

me. And it's, I know it's helped other men because our podcast is is huge and it's been a blessing and but it hasn't been sunshine and rainbows either it's been messy too but that's been the journey man damn I mean there's a movie in there somewhere it sounded like I'm sitting here we had Paul Hutchinson on earlier and now Larry Hagner's on and breaking. We got all kinds of stories. I'm hearing the dad edge story. Like that's powerful, dude. Like it's powerful, but it's, and sad in some ways. Having a great dad growing up

and having a father that wasn't perfect, but was a really great dad. It's my best friend to this day. When I hear stories like that, whatever growing up in the lower class and not being handed everything, anything that I considered a detriment when I hear stories like that,

just pale in comparison because not having that stable father figure and it makes me want to ask a difficult question, and I'm just going to go there, Larry. Go for it. Yeah, go for it, man. Hearing what you said, your dad remarried, and he's been remarried 45 years.

Your mom didn't make the best decisions multiple times, over and over again. Was it, who was it? Not that it matters who was at fault, but did you end up on the wrong side of the fence? It's interesting. I just had Gary John Bishop on the podcast and he just wrote an incredible book called Grow Up, Become the Parents Your Kids Deserve. And if Gary John Bishop's work, he's very direct. And I've had Gary on the podcast, I think five or six times. Every time he writes a new book, he comes on the podcast. But that book really spoke to me because I honestly believe despite the craziness that I grew up with, that everything happens for a reason.

And it wasn't sunshine and rainbows. It was chaos, but I'm thankful for it. I really am thankful for it. But here's the thing. My mom and biological father got married at 21 years old. Think about that. They were kids, right? And my dad, he was military. He fought. He was in combat.

He was dealing with a lot of things my mom dealt with childhood trauma i think you had two people that got married really young that didn't know what they were doing and both of them had things that they grew up with that were very tough and things that they were working through that they were very tough and i think my mom did the best she could with what she had even even though it was crazy. She just kept attracting these really toxic, horrible men. And my dad probably married someone who was a really good fit for him. And it was a good fit for him for life.

And I think that's how those two lives turned out. That's not the best way I think I can explain it. How did, I want to get to the meat of the dad edge and all the great things and tips and all those things we can give to the dads out there. But closing out the story, closing it, story still being written. But the last 18 years with your dad, what's that been like? Is that just, you're a grown man, you're 30 years old, but you have so much different perspective at that stage. How's those last 18 years been? I think I can sum that up into two really quick stories that I think will really hit home. And the first story is this, when I first had my very first son, who's going to be 18 here in a couple of weeks. When I first looked at him

and he was born and that's when my dad had re-entered my life. There's something I think that really happens to you when you become a father and throughout your own journey as a father. You start to look at the way you were raised and decisions that were made very differently, right? And through a different lens. And some of that lens is, quite frankly, it feels heavy. And some of it feels almost forgiving. Okay, like I made the same mistakes, or I did this, or I did that. But here's what I will tell you. I've looked at my kids, and I've told my wife this, and I've told my boys this, and I'm dead serious about this. told my boys this, and I'm dead serious about this. There is nothing on this planet that could take me away from them. Even if my wife and I didn't work out, I would still be a part of their

lives. I don't care how much it would be. I don't care if it would be 80%, 50%, 20%, whatever. I would always be a part of their life, no matter what. There would be no leaving in me, right? No matter what. There would be no leaving in me, right? Ever. So I've had to wrestle with that one a little bit because not only was I left once, but twice. But we've had a conversation around that. And I sat my dad down once,

and this was a couple of years after we got together. And here's the story I said, and I think my dad knew. I sat him down for dinner one night and we kind of had a small talk and he looks at me and he goes, so why are we here? What do you want to know?

And I basically told him, I said, I just want to talk about this once. And we've actually talked about it more than that, but not many, a handful of times. And I just was like, I just want to know what the hell, what the hell, man, how could you leave? And not, even if you didn't leave on your own terms, how can you not have contact with me? And my dad owned every bit of it. And he was like, it's the worst thing I ever decided in my life. I've had to live with that my whole life. I've had to carry it my whole life. And if I had to

do it over again, I'd do it much differently. So that's one story. So I've forgiven my dad, but here's the other one. Last Christmas, my 16 year old and I were getting ready to leave and we're going over to my dad's house and it's the whole family, but it's just me and my 16 year old in the kitchen. Everybody else was getting ready. And my 16 year old's quiet, very stoic. And he doesn't ask you something unless he's been stewing on it for a minute or several months, right? So we're in the kitchen and he goes, can I ask you something? And I'm like, sure. And I knew something was coming.

And he's, we're going over to your dad's house. And I was like, yeah. And he knows no better. He's known him since birth. He goes, do you like going over there? I was like, yeah, of course I do. And he's, and I go, why do you ask? And he goes, and he just shook his head and he goes, and I've never seen this look on my son's face as he gave me that day. And he goes, I couldn't do it. I could never forgive you if you did that to me.

If you left me and I saw you on the streets, I would kill you. I would punch you. I would pummel you. Those were his words. And he's bigger than me. He actually can. And I was like, I know, man.

I get that. And he's, I would just never forgive you for that ever. I was like, I get that, Mason. I go, but let me share something with you. I was like, you're going to grow up. You're going to have your own family. You're going to look back on some of the things that I said and did, and you're going to have your own little bag of tricks and you're going to have things that I did that quite frankly, I didn't even know that I did wrong, but they're going to come to the surface. And my hope is that you can give me some grace. Like

I've given my own dad grace. Here's what I mean by that. Me and my dad can't change the past. And I can choose to hold a grudge, but that's like drinking poison and hoping my dad dies. The only person that hurts during a grudge is the person that holds it. So I've forgiven my dad, both for him and for me. Cause if I had to hold that, it would eat me alive. So that's it. A lot of story there. And it's grace is a wonderful thing. We all need it. Whether we know it or not, a whole episode on just that. I will say this. I got divorced and was living in New York and had two small children. I had a one-year-old and a three-year-old.

And, you know, I didn't grow up with not the dad. But let's just say I spent close to seven figures and gave up a lot of opportunities because I sure as hell wasn't going to be in my kid's life. So I can relate to that. And I can't relate to the dads that don't. Like, I just can't even fathom it. I have a hard, we talk about being the product of our own environments and not being able to relate to certain things. Like the dad that doesn't want to be involved with their kids is that's on another, that's in Mars. I don't know that planet. I can't understand it. And I'm not a perfect dad, but to not be involved and to not care or to be able to turn, I can't turn that trigger off. But nonetheless, the dad edge.

You got the podcast. You've got, hey, success around being the good dad and telling the good word about being a dad. Can there be better than that? You know what? What is the dad edge, Larry? People have asked You know what? What is the dad edge, Larry? People have asked me like, what is the dad edge, right? And I really think what the dad edge is, it's no different than learning skills that's going to elevate your experience and your relationships. Really, that's it. So if you think about it, like we teach several things in the dad

edge. We teach men how to build, how to create an extraordinary marriage with their wife, communication, intimacy, connection, the whole nine yards. We teach men how to build better connections and relationships with their kids. That the foundation of that is built on connection. It's built on trust. It's this way. And it's, by the way, it's not this soft, like airy fairyfairy way of going about it. It's also being an extremely effective leader in your family where you actually bring the best out in people. The best way I can describe it is this. I had Frankie Edgar on the podcast.

He's like a UFC, you know, he's a UFC Hall of Famer. He has the most amount of minutes in the UFC. And I know you've had Bruce Buffer on, so he's probably called a lot of introductions, but it's a lot like this. The way we go about marriage and fatherhood and these things that we're talking about on today's podcast is society really sets us up for, you better know what to do naturally.

And if you have to speak up and be like, Hey, I don't have, I don't know how to do this. Then you're weak or you're less than, or you're broken or what's wrong with you. But here's the flip side. And this is what Frankie and I were talking about. I was like, Frankie, I was like, think of it like this. If you and I were to get in a ring, which by the way, I have done, I've gone face to face with him. I'm like, dude, give me the face off. Right? Like that 145 pound man, like the look on his face, like on the other side of that, like he would go right through us, right?

That's, he's scary. And I was like, if I go in and I've never done MMA, I've never done self-defense, I've never done martial arts and you and I go in the octagon, there's one result that's going to happen. And you are going to pummel me in probably under six seconds. And people are going to look at me and be like, what?

Did you train? No, I didn't train. They're like, did you do any cardio or did you do anything? And I'd be like, no, man, I just figured it out. Like I've seen enough UFC fights on TV. And they're like, you're an idiot. That's what people would say. And rightfully so.

And here's the thing. But if I took a year, right, to really train every day, learn some jujitsu, right? Learn striking, learn defense, all these things. I might last 18 seconds instead of six, right? But at least I would give myself a fighting chance because I would be able to learn the skills that would be needed to go into a fight like that. It would give me a fighting chance because I would be able to learn the skills that would be needed to go into a fight like that. It would give me a better shot. The funny thing about the journey of fatherhood and the journey of everything we've been doing for the past 12 years is those same rules actually do apply. And if you actually take the time, if we take the time to learn these skills, then we're

setting ourselves up for a much better experience and an experience actually with confidence, right? Because if I go in with a fight with Frankie with nothing, like I'm not going to have any confidence. I'm sure as hell not going to enjoy it. And I don't even know what's coming, but if I train for it, I'm going to be more confident. I'm going to be more strategic. I'm going to know maybe what to do and when to do it. He's still going to pummel me because he's a pro fighter.

But you get my point. 100%. It's funny. I was sitting there thinking when you were giving that description, because I've said, I've made the comparison a lot of time, like with how I don't support divorce, but sometimes it's necessary. And we make a million mistakes in life, but for some reason choosing your wife with no training on the best way to do that, we don't always get it right. But somehow we're supposed to get that decision. How many mistakes

do we make in a day? But it's a similar thing. I think you might need to train men on how to choose the right partner and men, women too, but we're focused on the dads here. Men need some help too. You know, how to help choose the right partner and And women too, but we're focused on the dads here. Men need some help too. You know, how to help choose the right partner and get it right. But the bottom line is it's work. And to be good at work, to be good at a job, you have to train. You have to condition. You have to learn.

Because you can't get better without continual improvement. You can't have improvement with seeing success from behaviors that you do. And I love that you're empowering men to have success in the greatest opportunity that they have, which is being a father. Thank you, man. Yeah. And by the way, I follow my face still a lot. It's just, I usually see the face plant coming sooner. Right. And I can recover a little faster. Yeah. Right. Instead of like just full force, like no hands falling on the face, I can at least brace myself for it and then get up a little faster than I used to. But yeah, you the face. I can at least brace myself for it and then get up a little faster than I used to. But yeah, you're right. I think if we took that same stance,

like that same approach, that it was even society accepted that, hey, are you going to go married? You know what? Before you do that, learn these few things here real quick or learn these things here before you do that or even like conflict resolution. It's one of the skills we teach, conflict resolution, or even a way to just connect with your kids. There's a way that you can create an environment where your teenagers will open up to you about anything, literally anything. But most people, we just don't know how to do that. I never used to know how to do that. I used to fall on my face with that one all the time. But there are ways that you can cultivate that connection where your kids will want to go to you.

And here's what I'll tell you. I've got two teenagers and I've got two little guys. And if anyone ever tells you, oh, just wait till they're teenagers. They won't want a thing to do with you. Like they're gonna just run the other direction. Because what I can tell you is if you do the right things and you do the small right things,

man, you can actually cultivate an incredible connection. Like I love hanging out with my teenagers. We work out almost every day together. And that doesn't, that kind of stuff, man, it doesn't happen by accident. It happens because there's that connection and trust that's built. 100%. Talking with Larry Hagner, CEO and founder of Dad Edge. Larry, talk to me.

Last thing I'll say on the whole training, auditioning thing, back to like you said, society's taught us like even counseling. back to like you said, society's taught us like even counseling. Counseling is only for when things have gone to the worst degree. We think of counseling as, oh, what's going wrong? Instead of the proactive learning and training and conditioning on the front end. It's like our medicine. It's all about treating the issue once it's already there.

What drug can we feed the issue that's already there instead of prevention? Instead of longevity and health. And how do we get ahead of things? It's all treating with a pill. So we're going to treat issues with counseling. How can we avoid them to begin with? Wouldn't that be a wonderful thing? Oh, 100%. And that's another analogy we talk about all the time.

It's I've never met a guy in my whole life, at least not yet. I'll just say yet. Then like we're in his car and basically like the engine implodes. Like, dude, like what, what happened? I had an oil change in 47,000 miles. I probably should have done that. And yet you look at it and be like, are you kidding me, man? Like, why would you go 47,000 miles? We don't think about doing that in our cars. And the other thing too, is I can see you have all your teeth. I have all my teeth. I go to the dentist every six months,

right? I don't wait until my teeth are like literally rotting out of my head to where I go to the dentist. So like in this stuff, it's the exact same way, right? This is like fitness, right? You go to the gym, take supplements, take care of your body for preventative measures, right? You get oil changes to prevent your car from imploding, right? You go to the dentist to prevent horrible things in your mouth. Same rules apply. And I'm happy to share. And I can even share some really simple takeaways that like immediately after these guys hear this podcast, they're like, I'm going to go do that. And we can do it right now.

I do. I want to get to some meat. So a lot of dads out there. Let's do it. Talk to, you've got books coming out, Spirit of Fatherhood or already out, Spirit of Fatherhood, Pursuit of Legendary Fatherhood. But let's give some tips and some ways that you work with dads to do these, to be better dads, be better fathers. So there's an arsenal of skills that we teach, right? For when it comes to, so for instance, marriage, communication, conversational excellence, intimacy, it really boils down to becoming an absolute amazing listener, but not to the point where you're just listening for words.

You're actually connecting to what she's feeling, right? You're actually saying out loud what is she's feeling. Validation is really what it is. It's how to emotionally validate your wives and kids. Let's start with the needs though. So our wives and kids coincidentally actually have the same three basic needs when it comes to relationships. I'm not talking about food, shelter, and clothing. I'm talking about relationship needs. Your wife needs to feel seen. She needs to feel heard and she needs to feel safe. And here's the good news. When it comes to your kids, boy or girl, doesn't matter. Same three needs, seen, heard, and safe. Now for us as men, our three needs when it comes to relationships are respected, appreciated, validated. We like to be respected. We like to be appreciated.

In fact, if you really want to make us feel fantastic, respect and appreciate us in public, in front of our kids, right? public, in front of our kids, right? Appreciation in front of our kids, oh my gosh, it's like the skies open up, right? Now, our wives have different needs. And what human beings, what we like to do is we like to go fulfill someone else's needs as if they're our own, right? So we'll maybe respect and appreciate and love on our wives and tell her how great she is and how beautiful she is. That's not necessarily, she likes that stuff, but that's not necessarily, she likes that stuff, but that's not necessarily what she needs.

What she needs is, so for instance, here's a perfect example. Every guy can relate to this. When our wives are talking to us, and I had to learn this the hard way because I'm an idiot. But when our wives are talking to us, what they really want is not for us

to solve their problems, right? Not for us just to listen to words. They're looking for one thing, connection. Whether it's a topic that they're just like infuriated about, frustrated about, overwhelmed about, they're happy about, they're ecstatic about, what they're really looking for, the reason that they're coming and telling you

is because they want connection. So the way to do that is literally just to validate her emotions, like a validate where she's at. We call it validate like a boss. So for instance, what used to happen in my house, I come home, right? I'll give you two of the same scenarios. Come home. Hey, Jess, what's going on? Like, how was your day? That's a favorite question, which by the way, I don't ask. Oh my God, today was terrible. We got a medical bill in the mail for your knee. We owe $1,300 to the surgeon. Our HOA just came in.

That's $1,100. I can't believe the price went up this much. Colton spilled milk all over the place. Ethan got an F in science. I'm just, I'm about ready to lose my mind. Now, the way I used to address that is be like, that doesn't really sound that big of a deal. We knew the HOA thing was going to be big.

We knew, basically like when I'm trying, and here's the thing, I do that stuff because I see that my wife is overwhelmed. I see that she's in pain. So what do I want to do? I want to take that away because I love her. I'm not saying the intention is wrong of what we're doing as men,

but the tactical part of it is off because the way it lands So when we start problem solving like that or we start trying to de-escalate by saying that's not that big of a deal We'll get through it. Whatever They don't feel seen They don't feel heard but here's how you can make her feel seen and heard and this is what i'll do. I'll be like man that sounds infuriating Holy crap. Yeah. I pull my hair out too. Tell me more what's going on. Now, what I just did was I validated her

emotional state. And by saying it out loud, how it lands for somebody like your wife and your kids is that is how I feel. Or if that's not how they feel, they'll usually correct you and be like, no, I'm actually completely and totally pissed off and infuriated out of my mind. So they'll correct it, which is fine. And when I invite for more, the more she's talking and the more I'm listening, the more we're actually connecting. Whether it's a good topic, a fiery topic, it really doesn't matter. But being able to validate makes her feel seen, makes her feel heard. And here's the cool thing too. If you can knock those two first dominoes down, the seen and the heard, the safe one usually falls automatically. Because people who feel seen

and heard usually feel pretty safe. And when they feel those three basic things happen, they feel connected. They feel love. They feel intimacy. They feel like we're a team, right? We don't necessarily have to solve all those problems. And in fact, what I'll usually do is, because sometimes my wife does want to talk about solutions. And what I'll do is I'll simply ask, hey, I want to listen to every single word that you're saying. And I also want to be the best support possible for you. But I really want to know what that looks like and what you need right now. So if you want me to listen, I'll keep listening. But if you want to to listen, I'll keep listening.

But if you want to talk solutions, we'll talk solutions too. Which one feels best to you? And guess what will happen? She'll tell me. She'll be like, I just need you to listen. Great. I know what to do. She'll be like, you know what? I really want to talk solutions because I'm totally overwhelmed. Great. We'll do that too. But at least I know which lane we're in because then I can fulfill that need. Love that practical advice from Larry Hagner. I've had to learn that all the hard way. All right, man, we like to guys are fixers. Most of us,

if you're a breaker, you got a whole other challenge. We can't, we're not going to address that today, but usually we're like, it goes immediately. Okay. You've got a problem and I've got a solution.

All right, here we go. And that just doesn't work. I've, I, that was probably, it took me the longest to learn that one. Same man. Here's the thing too. I don't want to like, I don't want to say this is a bad thing that guys do. Cause the intention is what's on point. Like we do that cause we care about the other person.

But here's the funny thing, right? Like you're a business guy. I'm a business guy. Let's just say I come to you and I'm like, dude, like there are serious problems in my business right now. Like I got this going on. I got that going on.

I'm not really sure what to do. And if you were to be like, oh man, that sounds tough. I'd be like, no shit, man. What do you think I should do? I'm like, tell me, man. Otherwise I wouldn't waste my time. That's not necessarily what our family needs all the time. Sometimes they do. And sometimes, and if we don't know, we can ask, but usually what they're really after is I just want to, I just want to connect. Yeah. Got to be seen, got to be heard, got to feel safe.

How about with the kids, man? Like what's the other side of that coin with making them feel that way? So what I can do, since I know we're going to wrap up here in just a bit, I can give your listeners three questions to ask every single day that will actually provide the connection, the psychological safety. And when things go wrong in their life, they're going to come to you. Let's do it. Because dad's the go-to. Yeah.

All right. So I'm going to give you three questions. I'll give you all the psychology behind each one. So what do we ask when we come home from work? How was your day? How was your day? It's a shitty question that will give you a shitty answer. But again,

the intention behind the question is great because here's what a dad is really saying. I want to hear all about your day. I really do. I want you to tell me what happened today, right? And we're excited about it. And the kids are programmed, fine, good, crazy, boring. You're going to get a one word answer, right? So flip that question differently. And this is what I'll ask my kids. And I'll do it a variety of different ways. Tell me about the best part of your day to day and why it was so meaningful to you. Or I'll be like, tell me about a high point moment today. Now, what I'm doing in that moment is my kid's not going to answer me fine, good, busy, crazy, boring. Here's what he's going to do, no matter what age they're at. And by the way,

once you've done this for long enough, your kids flip the script and they start asking you these questions, which they do with me all the time. But here's what you're doing. You're training a young mind to look into their day. And we're all programmed to look at problems, to look at negativity and to be bogged down by that. But if you can be like, man, what was something that really happened really amazing today? And my 10 year old might be like, man, what was something that really happened really amazing today? And my 10-year-old might be like, dad, I was the quarterback today. I was the quarterback at recess for football today, right? Now, that's something that he's proud of. Now, think about the psychology behind that. Let's just say you just landed the biggest client or biggest speaking gig you've ever landed in your entire professional career. And you and I are friends. You're like,

dude, Larry, dude, I got to tell you this. And you're like, you can't wait to share this news. You're so jazzed, right? And then as soon as your kid shares that news, they're excited. That energy's there, which by the way will provide connection. As soon as my kid tells me, I'm like,

dude, are you serious? No way. Tell me about it. And then suddenly like, you were the most exciting person in the world to talk to because they're sharing this really cool moment. So that's question number one is to train them to get into the gratitude, but also use that energy as a connection point to get really excited with them. Because as soon as you label like that must've felt amazing. As soon as I say that,

that puts that emotion actually on steroids for them. That's the first question. Second question is this one. This is where your teenagers, you can literally program your kids. You can not program. That's a bad word. I would say cultivate an environment where your kids want to tell you the bad things. Okay.

Because kids will avoid telling parents bad news, especially with how we react. So here's the question. This is a good rep for us asking the question. And it's a great rep for them telling us. So I asked them, what's something you failed at today? I want them to get very used to that word. I want them, I don't want them to be risk adverse. I don't want them to shy away from challenge. I want them to get used to getting, let's get some reps, right? I was telling you, I had Sean Patrick Flannery on the podcast. The way he raises his boys, which by the way, they just won state, both of them in wrestling, was if you want to be great at something, you have to fail and suck at it first. That's what he tells his boys. So I ask my kids, what did you fail at today? And sometimes, and this is what I'll get, they'll be like, I got an F on that spelling test, dad.

Right? Now, here's the way I was raised. And this is just knee-jerk. What do you mean you got an F on the spelling test? We don't get Fs in this house. Did you not study? I didn't see you study. I told you to study for that over and over again.

You are grounded. Right? And then they just blast you. So here's what I do. First of all, I praise for their courage. But ooh, oh man, that took some courage to tell me, didn't it? Now here's what I'll tell you before I move on. Just because I create an environment of psychological safety,

that doesn't mean it's a consequence-free environment. There's still discipline, all that. We have a conversation though. So I'm like, oh man. So tell me what happened. How'd you prepare for it? Or I'll say this. If you had to prepare for this test over again,

what would you do different? And that's when it comes out. I'll be like, man, I really didn't study for it. Or I didn't study that much. I'm like, okay, that's good to know. So if you had to do it all over again, what would you do different? Because I want that growth mindset. I want them to be a critical thinker, not me lecturing them, but them to think through this. So they're doing things differently

later. They'll be like, you know what? I think I would have taken two evenings and studied and gone over it, wrote them all down. Maybe even had you quiz me on it. Okay, great. When's your next spelling test? It's actually next Friday. And I'll just say, you know what? It sounds like you came up with a pretty good plan. What's stopping you from doing that? And they'll be like, nothing.

You're like, great, let's do it. And then suddenly dad is not the scary person to tell bad news to, because here's what I'll tell you. I've got an 18 year old and 16 year old. There's gonna come a time, it hasn't come yet to my door yet, but it's coming, where I will have a son that goes to a party and drinks underage.

And he's gonna have to make a choice. Do I get behind that car and roll the dice or do I call my dad for a ride? And how we respond, getting those daily reps into that psychological safety, suddenly dad's the guy I call. There's no question about it. Which I've had that conversation with my kids.

But when bad things hit the fan, which they do, we're in a season right now where I'm not gonna name who, but one of my kids is going through some things, but he is insanely transparent with what's going on. He's got like this really good safe place to land with my wife and I. But it's from all those reps of asking that question and creating that type of response, right?

So that's question number two. And the last one is, I know we need to wrap up here is, what are you most excited about tomorrow? Now, I like asking that question because I call that like the Yellowstone to be continued question because there's always this hook point at call that like the Yellowstone to be continued question, because there's always this hook point at the end of every Yellowstone episode. You're like, ah, I got to watch the first five minutes of the next episode.

Right. So the reason I do that is because they might be like, hey, dad, like band tryouts or tomorrow. Man, I'm so excited. Like a band. I've been been really working hard. So what do you think I'm going to ask them when they come home from school? Dude, I was band triads. Suddenly you're not this robot, right? You are an intricate part of their daily life and you are the go-to. They have the best conversations with you, right? You're also their guide. You are not their friend, right? My job is not to be my kid's friend. I am their father. I'm their guide. You are not their friend, right? My job is not to be my kid's friend. I am their father. I'm their guide. I am not the consequence-free zone either, but I'm here to help you a hundred percent. And those are the three questions I think your

listeners can use and why. I love it. Larry, three questions. Tell me the best part of your day. Second, what is something you failed at? And third, tell me what you're excited about tomorrow. Hey, I'm writing notes, man. I'm taking notes for myself, selfishly, but also to bring value to the audience. I love it, man. We're going to have a part two. How about that?

Can you promise me to do a part two? We're going to have a no time limit part two. Admittedly, a lot of things on the schedule today, the way it broke out. Larry was so gracious with his time. And the great thing is he's got one of the best podcasts on the planet about dads and how to get better as a father, as a husband and everything else. And he's going to be so kind to tell us where to keep up with all that. Where is it, Larry? Yeah, man. Well, as long as I have a part two with you back on the show too, I'll take that. Just everything is the dad edge, everything. So like Instagram, the dad edge,

thedadedge.com. We've got a few different resources on our website as well. We've got a resource called 25 Intimate Conversation Starters, where if you like the three questions I gave you today, there's 25 more that you can ask your wife. You can reframe them to ask your kids as well. You can find that at thedadedge.com forward slash 25 questions. But I'm not hard to find. If there's ever anything I can do to help you or your listeners out,

just shoot me a DM on social. Not hard to find. I answer all of those myself. But yeah, that's how you can connect with us. We got two different programs. We've got a mastermind for business owners. So dad business owners. And we also have a mastermind for a career nine to fivers as well.

I'm telling you, you can sense it. Real knows real. And Larry is real. If you want to be better and look, we're a business show, but I want to bring value and look, if we have better fathers, better husbands, that's the most value I can bring. And Larry is someone you should listen to and you need to go follow and subscribe to his show and get involved with one of those masterminds. Larry, really appreciate you coming on. Can't wait to do part two. Thanks for having me, man. Back out. I actually Can't wait to do part two. Thanks for having me, man.

Back at you. Can't wait to do part two with you as well. Hey, guys, you know where to find us. Ryanisright.com. You'll have all the show notes, the links to Larry's information and the dad edge. Look, let's be better dads. There'll be a better world. We'll see you next time on Right About Now.

This has been Right About Now with Ryan Alford, a Radcast Network production. Visit ryanisright.com for full audio and video versions of the show or to inquire about sponsorship opportunities. Thanks for listening.