Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - ⚽ El Snapico: Jose Mourinho and the Real Madrid printer ⚽

Episode Date: September 21, 2026

This week we discuss the latest Jose Mourinho circus - including him bringing printed pictures of referee decisions to his post match press conference. Big news elsewhere as Andros Townsend somehow gets run over by a pitch steam roller?!? And is it too ealry to be Carrick out? Michael went to the game at Craven Cottage at the weekend and gives us his verdict. And Bill's upbeat approach to live as a Spurs fan gets tested... Enjoy! If you want to get in touch with the show you can; Email us: [e-mail] And follow us on Instagram and Tiktok: @footballinghell FPL team -⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ join the Footballing / Parenting Hell mini league ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ LEAGUE CODE: 1a5fc7 Leave us a 5* review and subscribe to the podcast please. You know the score by now. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Footballing Hell ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠is a Spotify Podcast, new video episodes available everywhere every Monday (don't worry - it's business as usual on Tuesday and Friday with the usual Parenting Hell episodes) A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] (N) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Discover Coffee Plus on Nispresso.com. Hello, welcome to footballing hell. We haven't got an intro. We haven't got an intro. We're still looking for an intro. We just sat there in silence looking at each other. How do we still? We haven't got an intro.

Most people don't have that intro we have for parenting hell. That's a little bonus. That's a little bonus. But this is different. This is football in hell. I'm just getting my notes up from the football. Josh, what shirt are you wearing? Let's go through that first.

I don't know what that is. I'm wearing West Kirby United. West Kirby? I'm more of an East Kirby. I know. Who are West Kirby? So it's near Liverpool. but one of my musicians I like is Bill Ryder Jones who sponsored them.

So I bought it. Yeah, he's from West Kirby. And what are you wearing? Notts County. No, this is a Terenganu shirt. It's a Malaysian football team that I bought when I was in Malaysia, filming tempting fortune that is on TV tomorrow night, 9 o'clock, Channel 4. Oh, my word.

Do you like that? This guy knows what he's doing. This guy's on top of things. This guy's on top of things. I nearly wore my ivory coat shirt, but I thought, no, wait to international break next week. Well, I almost wore my old Brazil shirt that I got when I did that thing where you go around the retro football shirt shop, classic football shirts. Oh, what when you did that shop with, that's with Ellis. Yeah.

Is it Ellis pattern? And I got it out today to wear it. Yep. And I realized it's still got the security tag in. Oh, so you can't wear it? Well, I could, but I'd have a security tag under my armpit. Oh, that's a shame. That is a shame.

I'm just looking here at the Malaysian Super League. Yeah, of course you are. I think they finished their season. Yeah. So Terran Ganu, FC, which I'm wearing. Your beloved. Finished fifth. Yeah, European places.

Fourth place was Kuala, Lumpur City, FC. Yeah. You know, and then there was Selangor FC, Kuching City, you know, sort of normal, like, football club names you'd have for Malaysian Super League. Do you know, finished in sixth? Who? Immigration FC. What the fuck is immigration FC?

That would be a great shirt to get Immigration FC. You could burn it on one of your marches, Rob. The away colours are black, so I could wear all black with a hood up and a mask. It makes me feel sick the people that do that. Anyway, the club was founded by the Immigration Department of Malaysia. Oh. But now they're called Star City FC,

formerly known as Immigration Football Club. Yeah, Immigration Football Club is a mad name. it. While we're on Asian football, I know we'll probably return to it. Do you know what though? Asian football? I think Asian covers too much. I stumbled on when I said that because I was like, have I got the right?

I'm never sure. No, because it's like you would describe like Romish as Asian, like British Asian and then Phil Wang. No, I described him as just Asian. Fair enough, fair enough, each of their own actually. covers too much Asia and then Australasia what does Asia mean

well Australasia is Australia and New Zealand but why has you got Asia at the end I don't know Rob okay let's not get bogged down but here we go here's a good question for you actually before I get onto my Asian

football point which continents do you like to support in the World Cup because I really like I do really like Japan and Korea just Europe and North America for me and that's it

you're rolling the dice of Australasia I don't really know what that encompasses no I love any sort of underdog teams I want to love the South American teams at Argentina but they hate us so much It's quite hard And Brazil are too big

Brazil are basically like supporting Man City isn't it? I love supporting Peru for soul arts and Alberto Solano Was he Peruvian? Peru yeah and they've got a great shirt of a white shirt with just a red stripe across. Obviously, Japan, South Korea.

Would you support North Korea? Yeah, because I think it'd be funny. Yeah. It's not the player's fault. I don't feel like a North Korea got the up with Britain? I think with the least of their problems. There's something going on with North Korea, but I don't think it involves us. I don't think there's any point when Andy Burnham's going to need a policy on North Korea.

Do you know what I mean? Where's the best place to live, do you think, where there's zero, ag. Well, you would have said... Australia's got to be up there and you're so far away and no one's got the hump with Australia. Have they? But there's so many scary animals. You're basically at war with nature. You would have said like Denmark

but then suddenly they're going to be invaded to lose Greenland. You're like, come up. Let's not get bogged down to who own... Farrow Islands? Where are the Faroe Islands? I don't know but in the 90s their goalie used to wear a bubble hat which I always liked. Fair enough. Here's my Asian football thing we need to talk about.

Yeah, go on, sorry. Andrews Townsend. in Thailand. Oh, is this an Asian special? It is an Asian special, yeah. Lovely. Okay. Let's talk about Andrews Townsend in Thailand,

getting rolled over by a tarmacan machine. It's insane. I thought it was AI. It's so wild. I didn't even know Andrews Townsend was in Thai football. I thought he was just eating raw steak being a commentator, doing stretches, like sculling back eggs.

Yeah. Then he's doing keep you up ease. And then also the kid on the roller, two things. The speed he's going at is mental. I didn't even know they went that fast. Is he cutting through from road to road? He needs to do one road on one side of the pitch and the other side.

So I'll just nip across the pitch. Because I've never seen a football pitch rolled. No, I mean, I imagine they do do it like in the preparation of the pitch, not during warm up. They do have a whole week. Yeah. You know what I mean? What has happened the rest of that week?

Because you get it in cricket, because they've got the wicket that's so important that is flat and hard. Yeah, I mean, yeah. But at lawn, essentially. You should know just to cut it shorter. If it's not flat now, it's not, it's too late. But it's not great optics when the only non-tire player

is mowed down. If that, imagine if there was one tire player in the English league and then an English broke just drove over. hit and run. Oh, it's near, Faroe Islands is between Scotland and Iceland. Yeah. So, Bobble Hat Zone.

Yeah, real Bobble Hat Zone. He said something funny about Easy Than... What was it? Townsend said about that? He had previously put up a post of him like, I didn't know this, obviously. Full disclosure, I don't follow Andrews Townsend on the socials, not because I...

Not for any reason other than it hasn't come up. But he creeps into my algorithm. Does he? He does yoga and eats mad, like raw food. have not seen his videos. But he also, he's against sunglasses, isn't they? He's against sunglasses. Are you not aware of this?

No. Andrews Townsend doesn't believe in sunglasses. No? Why not? Why? So he thinks that your eyes need to let in light to tell your skin that your body will then react to the sun in the correct way. And so if you're wearing sunglasses, your eyes aren't passing on the messages that it's sunny to your skin. I met Carl Froch in Dubai.

He was there at the same time as me. And he doesn't believe in sun cream. Yes, I know. He thinks sun cream gives your cancer. Yeah, which I'd say feels counterintuitive. I'd say, I'm going to say it, of all the products, medical products I've used, Sun cream is the one that I can feel works You know what I mean?

Yeah. If you said to me, toothpaste doesn't work, I'd go, well, I actually haven't done a tent. But sun cream, I know, works. Well, it's our flat earthers. It's very easy to do a quick test. Basically put cream on half your face. Yeah.

Don't put cream on the other side and laying the sun. But it can't be that they don't think it stops you turning. It must be something else. But anyway, someone that's spent 20, years getting punched in the head. Now, I'm very much aware I don't want to start a beef with Carl Frotch. No. Androsst Townsend, I'll take me chances. I like Andrews Townsend. He seems like a quirk.

Do you know what I mean? He seems interesting. Like more interesting than your average footballer. But how can you be scared of cream if you get punched in the head for a living? Sure, that's more dangerous. Anyway, side point. Andres town, so eyes, this is what I was talking about. So, have you seen the clip of Anthony Gordon arriving for training when it's sunny? No. Right. So basically, blonde people,

if you're really blonde and got the right gene your eyes are weaker in the sun because of some sort of pigment thing right? This is the anti-towns envy this is the opposite of Andros. Well this is what an optician told me was that like your eyes are more

sensitive to light if you have this pigment if you're blonde and your light skin my daughter's got it as well so she really struggles and has to have sunglasses but I'm just sending you this on Instagram Josh are you on Instagram I've deleted it for obvious reasons this week.

Yeah, Instagram's not a place to be for the new presenters of anything. For my own mental health, but I shouldn't be on Instagram for the next few weeks. If I send it to your WhatsApp, you might be able to open it anyway. Could you screen record? Could you screen record? Oh my God,

I feel like I'm sending a cryptic my fucking nanny. I'll tell you what, you FaceTime me. I'll FaceTime you on the iPad. Then I'll show you the video. You might be able to just watch it without going on to like, oh yeah. So basically, I think it's Rafenia arrives at training,

and he's just walking through the sun, loving it. Anthony Gorda walks in and his eyes are burnt to a cinder. I can't look at it because it says people under 13 can't see this content. You can't see someone squinted in the sun. These under 13-year-olds are too woke. What are you? Absolutely. You know what? I'm going to have to screen record it, aren't I?

I'm going to have to do this live. I mean, I've explained what happens in it, but here we go. I just put one, two, three, and screen record. Just swipe up. No, I'm going to have to let the video play out. Raffina's walking along in the sun. All that's going to happen is, I'm going to send this to you. Oh, yeah, he does squint, didn't he?

But it's happened now. I thought we could keep the energy up with the... Sorry, sorry. No, no, it's fine. Look, I think it's better for you to be off Instagram, I imagine, couldn't possibly tell you why, than to be on it this week just for an Anthony Gordon clip. Oh, Michael's done it? Oh, how did you do that, Michael?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Why is it? What's happening? Why is it? Because if the blonde pigment. in his eyes. Why are you not wearing sunglasses?

He's probably played with Andros Townsend and he's trying to make his skin react. The week before we moved to Barcelona from Newcastle, Andross said, this is going to be big for your skin. Okay? I'm just telling you now.

Don't pack his band, Anthony. There we go. Blonde people are more sensitive to sunlight because they typically have lower levels of melanin, the pigment that provides natural attention against ultraviolet radiation. There you go. Can we stick on Spanish football?

Yeah. Barcelona are good now. They've won six out of six. Yeah. Real Madrid have already lost two. Or they've won, no, they've won seven out of seven. It's Marino shit now. It's really funny, isn't it?

He lost the Madrid Derby. Now, full disclosure, I didn't see it. I missed it too, but there was controversy, wasn't there? Yeah. So Madrid had a player sent off. And then Marino came to the press conference and said, well, we don't need a press conference. this is all you need to know and produced a printed piece of paper with two pictures on it.

Have you seen this press conference? Yes. He's holding it up like a boomer trying to check in with a printed off boarding pass. Holding it up at the gate. I've got it on A4. I don't think a picture, unless it's maybe of a handball, I don't know what the instance were actually. Wow. I think.

can tell you whether something's a foul. That you've taken away all the context of a tackle if it's still. And also there was two pictures on 1A4. He didn't do two, he did two pictures on 1A4. You know, like when you, you've got a word doc, and you've had to add to the two pictures, and you kind of align them. You think he's done that himself,

I told someone to print that off? And have they used the Athletico Madrid printing facilities, or do they bring their own printer in case of this situation? I think they've got to be travelling with their printer. Is it away then? Well, what, someone could... Yeah, it's an away game. I mean, they could have.

gone back to the Bernabau. Someone's nipped back across town to the Burnabau. Sorry, guys. Gonna knit back to the Santiago Bernabau because I've got to jump on the HP printer. When you're the Rail Madrid away, you're not setting up a printer. It's difficult enough in your own house,

let alone. Well, with the advancement of printers, you could potentially print that off from Athletico Madrid Stadium and then get a personal assistant to bring it over. Oh yeah, that's what you might have done. To save time.

He might live near. I don't know where, I don't, if you live in Madrid, could you answer what the geography of it is? Josh, we can do that now. You keep talking. I'll Google. Can you find out how far away the two stadiums are, please? Here's a question, because he's not finished.

He's got to the end of the match, right? So how long is there between the end of the match and the press conference? Or during the match, as he said. Half an hour, 40 minutes, you reckon? Or as he bought himself some time and 70 minutes into the match, he said, I'm going to need someone to print out. I'm print that off. I'm going to use it in the press conference.

Now, go. He's still got half an hour left. I don't care. I'm one of the subs. I don't mind. I don't care. Fuck off. Whoever you are.

They think he's going to warm up, but he runs down the touchline just keeps running. Sub off and Bappe, he's quick. He can run back. Get Cuccarella on a Vespa. Now. Vamos Cuccarella.

On his Vesper bit of paper flapping in the wind. Also, he looks so sad at this press conference, I mean, this guy has done it all worth probably 100 million pound. Fucking out. so he can't be enjoying life. Look at him.

Stop. He looks like someone looking for a missing dog. Delete Instagram, Jose. It's not doing you any good. It's an 18-minute drive, apparently. Even on a match day, though, because you're going to... Longer on match day. I'm going to say 40 minutes on match day.

Yeah, he's dragged out the chat in the dressing room and then someone's gone there. No, because there's somewhere already at the Burnabout. It's not like empty on a match day. Michael, Google, if there's a snappy snaps next to the stadium. Because someone could have gone there. What do you think, Michael, do you think they've got their own printer? What do you think they? I think they've said to someone low-level at Athletic in Madrid,

would you mind printing this out for me? But that person has no idea what's happening. I think they travel. No, they haven't travelled. Like, it would be a nightmare. They will travel with a printer. A hundred percent. My tour manages to travel with a printer.

I never asked him to print off anything in my life, but you won't have it with him. You'd always at the end of start of part two. You'd come out with a picture of two people not laughing. You two? Yeah. I'm not starting the second half. this is the problem.

This woman in C4 and this man in H8. And you here, look, in J7, your Apple Watch is reflected on your face and it's distracting. Please put it into theater mode.

Right, let's carry on. I find athletes embarrassing. You know these people that really want to win? Oh, God, it's draining. It's really tiring, isn't it? Grow up. There is a sort of Spanish

snappy snaps about seven minutes from the stadium. There you go. There we go. But wait a minute, they were playing on a Sunday evening, Michael. Can you check its opening hours? What's the Spanish snappy snaps called?

Do you know what they should call this match, Rob? El Snappico. It's called photochoado. Photo quadado, big up. Could you just check its opening hours first as well? I can't see him being open on a Sunday, not on a match day. But then you've got a lot of footfall. Yeah.

It's worth opening if you've got the Madrid, Although you might be worried about people smashing up your window, particularly after, if they think, if the Athletic-G Madrid fans think you're Jose's printer. Looks like it's closed all day Sunday. Oh, right. He must have broken in. Check any burglary reports. Sorry.

New from Nespresso. Blend wellness into your coffee routine with a coffee plus range infused with functional benefits. Choose the coffee you love with added B vitamins, like coffee plus B12 to help support immune function. and coffee plus B6 to keep your day moving or go with the flow and choose ginseng delight our new double espresso with ginsing extract whatever lies ahead

don't change your morning let your morning change you discover coffee plus on espresso.com before we going to premier league I tried to check my fantasy Premier League oh yeah how am I doing well it's log me out and I don't know what my logging is Michael how are we all doing you log in I haven't got that much internet

how much so when they get to a ground so when I was at Argaovi Exeter when I was sat behind Neil Warnock I tell you I was in front of the two Plymouth guys with iPads that were talking about tactics and stats and looking at stuff on iPads

no go on and it was really fascinating to hear what were they saying they had a coach that they were radioing to so they weren't radioing directly to Tom Cleverly no they were Tom Cleverley. What?

That just makes me laugh at Tom Cleverly as your coach. What they've doing, we've worked it out. Basically, what we need them to do because they're shit

and in league one so just sort of lump it up and hope for the best. We've third. In league one? Yeah. Fair enough. But it does,

when you get to a ground, do you think you have like a set-up where you've got all your computers and you've got, you know, like... There's 100% a printer in Marino's team's bag. A hundred percent a printer.

And because also they print out teams and stuff like that they can put up in the dressing room. Yeah. And also you want to print out, you know, and one of my favorite things managers do, and I hope it is real. Put that on the dressing room wall.

Put those quotes on the dressing room wall. I love it. If I was that manager, I'd be doing that all the time. Do you know what? Do you know they used to like overly water the pitch or turn the heating up in the dress room as old to all tactics?

I think new tactics should be give the away team a shit internet connection. Like go, oh yeah, you can have the Wi-Fi. Yeah, don't worry. It's like, crap. Yeah, you've got to plug it in. It's a 56K modem. Just stick that in.

You'll be all right, mate. You're not allowed to go in it after six when it's free. Because why give them, unless they're travelling with their own G? Their own 5G? How does it work? Because they've got those players, have got things on, right, that are constantly feeding? I couldn't. Those little bras.

It's too much. How can you concentrate playing in the Premier League with a crop top on that tight? It looks horribly uncomfortable. I think I'd rather have my dick out. I honestly do. Look, because as a heavy chested man, okay? Yeah, but you wouldn't be if you're playing at the Premier League. Yeah, I know it wouldn't be.

But even, I think, I just feel like I've got a bra on and it's really, I can't get, my confidence is through the floor. Well, I'd get, I tell you the problem I'd get, because I've got a concave chest. Yeah, how did you get that? Have you always had that? I've always had that, yeah. It looks like a big punch from a superhero. I was run over by a steamroller in Thailand. The bra would go over the concave, so anything attached to.

to the centre of my chest. We'll just bounce around. Bouncing around, yeah. I don't know where they attach their reader. I've got a similar problem, but I've got a concave of my own making from lager, where my tits have got bigger. So there's a nice gap. Why do they need a bra?

Because... Can't they just pop it in their sock or something? Like, when I go on TV, I have a... We have a bigger... I know they're going... They're doing more movement. I don't know. I saw you on Strictly, mate.

Those hips are getting thrown around that left wing. You don't have your pack. on your tits. You don't have to wear a bra. Yeah, also, as well, I'm trying to make us not look like old men here. The problem's not wearing a bra. No, no, no, no.

An incredibly tight bit of elastic around your chest where you're doing sport. Yeah, exactly. But they monitor how far they've run and if they're tired, if they should come off. Because I think it's all done on an equation. That's why, you know what? I think it is used by managers and coaches

as a bit of what, it's not my response. They sort of go, okay, let's adopt this system so that when they sub someone, they've got something to blame, which is the equation. So when they go, why do you take them off? I go, well, I had to because it said he was in the stress zone or whatever it tells you.

Do you watch cricket? You don't watch cricket, Rob. Are you aware this happens? There's no stress zone in cricket. But no, well, this is the exact opposite. Sometimes when you're watching like the 100 or something, not like a test, but like someone who's fielding will be miced up with an earpiece in and they'll interview them.

As they're fielding. As they're fielding. It's the exact. opposite. So they'll be like... In an actual game, not a charity game. During the game, they'll be interviewing, and then it'll be like, you know, you'd be fielding, they wouldn't be like the wicket keeper or the slip.

No. They'd be it third man or whatever, and they'd go, how do you think it's going? And they'd be like, well, we just, you know, those early wickets were good and we're just trying to keep the run rate down. And then they'd kind of stop because the ball would come and then, you know, and so actually, you know, I think the change of bowl or or whatever. I would love that in football. That'd be great, wouldn't it?

I quite like Ref Cam. It's not Blair Witch. Oh, it's so weird, ref cam, isn't it? I love Ref Cam. I want to see it during the half time. That's what I want to see Ref Cam. Oh, imagine all sat there with little sandwiches going, we did well, didn't we?

We did really, I mean, I don't like ref bashing, but to want to be a ref, it's like wanting to be a politician. There's got to be something wrong with you. Some sort of thing happened to you where now you crave power and responsibility, and nothing will hold you back from being in charge. Clattenberg. What about Clattenberg? Are you aware of...

I work with him on Gladiators. Of course you have. Yeah. He's got a tattoo, hasn't he? He strikes me of, I'm one of the boys. And you're like, no, you're not. You're a ref. Do you know what?

I should ask. You know, I'm pals with Darren Kahn. Who? He was Howard Webb's assistant. So these are all your new showbiz mates now you're on Shriting? Oh, you've changed. Falling out of the Met Bar with Darren Kahn. Robin's shoulders, falling out of the PGMOL Canteen with Howard Kahn.

Darren Kahn. He comes to see me on tour. He's a Josh Widdick and Mega fan. Lovely. He is the guy that does the, he sits with the pundits on match of the day. Oh, okay, yeah. Like talks to them. And just basically lies and backs up all his mates whilst the pundits lie and back up all the mates.

There we go. I think Michael Carrot needs more time. I think the ref made a really good decision. Stop wagging each other us and tell us the truth. You big greenscreen bastards. You're all tired and sad in Manchester. You've been there 14 hours. Can we get on to Michael Carrick?

Again, let's save the spurs bashing to later on because it is hilarious. Yeah, we need to get Bill on the phone. Arsenal lost as well. So, you know, fair, fair... Did we go too early when we decided Arsenal were going to win the league the Friday night of the first week? Absolutely not. Everyone has a bad day at the office. Brightner are a good side. But apparently Arsenal worth dog shit. Absolutely dog shit. What do you think of those brightened shirts? I like them. It's nice. I like an

anniversary shirt. Why don't you get one for Rose? It is our anniversary today. Is it? Yeah, seven years. What are you going to get? We're going for dinner tonight. Have you bought her anything? Well, can I be honest? It's been quite a stressful week for both of us, which will cover in parenting hell. I got her a card but I forgot to write in it. And she forgot to get me a card. Fucking hell. Well, yeah, there's a lot's gone on this week, then, isn't it? That's like the story of two people in an old people's home at 87.

We'll cover it in parenting out. We'll cover it in parenting out. Right, so what we're talking about? Can I say where I think I am with Michael Carrick? What are we talking about Darren Can for a little bit? You're just friends here? Oh, yeah, but we've moved into Michael Carrick. No, but if we ever need to talk to a ref, I've got Darren can on Speeddale.

I didn't watch any football on Sunday. I watch Tottenham on Saturday. I watched Manchester United v. Fullum second half. I avoided match of the day because... So this is my problem with football, right? Yeah. When Arsenal win, I'll watch match of the day. Yeah, of course.

If Tottenham and Man United or Chelsea lose, I watch matches a day. If Arsenal lose and then Mancity and that I don't like win, I just don't watch matches day. I can't believe people that watch highlights of games that didn't go the way they wanted. Oh, it's insane.

I don't know. Yeah, we lost it. Let's just forget about it, a move on. You might as well, you know, read a bad review. Do you know what I mean? Of yourself. Yeah. I don't know where that's come from in my head.

We'll cover that imperative now. We'll have that imperative, yeah. Let's go back to Michael Carrick. Let's go back to Michael Carrick. A man who, to be fair, it's getting the press I imagined died to get. Michael Garick would be going, this is unbelievable. Oh, good, this is gone. Let's have a look at the league then.

So, Michael Carrick, apparently they were terrible and then got really lucky with a win. is that right? Gary Neville said the 15 minutes before Fulham scored was the worst he's seen Manchester United play since he started supporting them at the age of five. I mean, and he's saying that about him, mate. Can you imagine if I said, look, I watched Rommish on Weekies Link.

The first five questions were the worst display of quiz mastery I've seen since I was five years. Romerge should dream. me going, what the fuck are you on, mate? Shut up. Who can't fucking leave me alone, you nutcase? What is wrong with you? You're insane.

I know it's football, he's got quiz, it's to work, but I'm your mate. Shut up. This is my theory. Well, I don't know this. They're not mates. I think what's clear is that Gary Nevel was definitely closer to only going to a soul skill than Michael Carrick.

I think that is coming out. I'm not saying they're not mates, but he's not got, I think with Solskar, they were like really close, weren't they? So that's like me having to go, Ed Gamble. Yeah, exactly. I know him, but he's not, you know. Yeah, yeah. How much did they cross over? Michael?

Was Neville in that, I don't think he was. He wasn't in that team that won the Champions League in 2009, was he? No. No. So that's the team I imagine Carrick being in. He's not won the Champions League twice. Neville did win the Champions League twice. He was in that team.

Fuck! What? Respect. Take that back. Fair player, too. Well done, Gina. Carrick. How was it? Is it bad? This is my thing with Carrick. And I've realised, this is a third time I've lived this. I did it with Solskia.

And I did it with, what's the Portuguese guys? Amarin. Ralph Ragnet? I liked him for a bit. Yeah, I liked him. I liked him. He reminded me of someone that would pick your mate's dad that would pick you up from a night out. Yeah.

Oh, he's not. I'll get here, boys. When I go drive from McDonald? Yeah, a bit of fun. I invented pressing. What? Well, it's this mad bastard. When Manu equalized, and I say this as someone who, I don't like Manu because I grew up and they won everything, right?

I've reached that point where I was quite relieved they equalized. Because it drags it out. Because it drags it out. And I had the same with Solzkya and I had the same with Amorim. I just want them to get the odd win. I don't want them to keep losing because I fear them. I don't want them to sack him. You sort of want lose draw, lose draw, lose draw.

So they slip down the table, but they're going to stay in to keep the drama going. Yeah. With Deserby, the fun could be over too soon. I know, exactly. We need a couple of spurs wins. Michael, how are you feeling about Manu? Well, I went to that game. Full of Manu?

Yeah, I went to the game yesterday. Was it the worst 15 minutes of Manu you've ever seen? It was pretty bad. Like, we were really, really poor. not to sort of drift into tactical analysis, but I was coming back from visiting the inlaws in Birmingham and there was no trains to Houston, so I had to go to Marleybone and I was like, oh, it's full of Madeline. I meant the tactics for the game, not your journey. This is our tactical analysis.

Michael had to go to Marlebone. I'm sorry, I didn't realize we booked Jonathan Wilson. What's going on here, Michael? Francis Bourgeois, mate, I don't care about the trains. Let's talk football. Yeah, I'm going to write a book on Inverting Chilton Railways. Because I've never been to Craven Cottage. I thought, oh, I'll go to the game and then I can, when we chat about it to my mind.

It's lovely, Craven Cottage. Oh, it's lovely, absolutely beautiful. I've never been actually, is it good? Yeah, it's great. On the river, you're right on the river, like sunset over London, tight little money. I might support them. I might move there and support them. We were absolutely dreadful.

Like, just zero ideas. Like, we were so poor and so lucky. But I had to sit in the home end because I couldn't get tickets in the way end. So I was sort of a covert Man United fan. And Fulham don't really have a reputation as a militant club. but I saw three different sets of Manchester United fans be removed from the homestand. One of them was a family with two young kids because they were just not allowed. You're not allowed to be in the home end with the home fans.

So I then had to become a covert Fulham fan. So when Man United conceded that own goal, I had to clap my own team scoring. It's such a weird sensation. It's sort of like muted, like clap of lenders. Did you localise it? Because I don't think clapping's enough. If I'm a Fulham fan and we have... I stood up when I clapped.

You stood up when you... Yeah, because I think if I'm a Fulham fan, we haven't won this season. We've scored against Man United. That would be at least a, come on! Yeah. On you, Lily White, or whatever they're called. Show us what you did, Michael. The goal goes in, and how did you react?

I stood up, but I was sort of late standing up because I realized, obviously, it's not my muscle memory to go cheer in the opposing team. And I just clapped and sort of nodded approvingly. And then when Manchester United scored an incredibly lucky goal, I just shook my head sort of performatively. Oh, God. Terrible. But was that part of that was you thinking, oh, God, you can live that because you're like,

actually that's bad for the Manchester United, the football club that we scored there, because that's another three weeks of this out. I was on that meta. I was sort of living, I was in survival mode. I was just trying to not get kicked out of the game. No one's an actual Fulham fan, are they? They're just rich people that live nearby, aren't they? It was 100% that.

It's Richard Osmond, isn't it? Well, it was... Rich Osmond and Lily Allen are the famous Fulham fans. A lot of a... Egyptians, a lot of sort of... What, because of Mohammed Al-Faier? Well, that's what I wondered. I didn't chat to them because I didn't want to expose myself.

But around me, it was that there were a lot of Egyptians. How do you know they're Egyptian? Because I speak Egyptian. Do you? No. How did you know they're Egyptian? The way they walks up the stairs. Wow, they really do.

All right. But aren't they? I thought it was just a song. That's why Moses Lola was always running because if you broke into a war Well, keep it at a jog so you can maintain balance Rob, we've got a phone bill, haven't we?

Yeah, so basically... People love Bill, the Tottenham fan. Okay, so Tottenham lost 3-2. They scored their first time in the Premier League, but they'd given up the game by then, Villa. But let's ring Bill. Because I keep thinking, oh, the international... What do you think about this, Michael?

Everyone sort of says, all the international breaks come in. That'll be good, because then they can get a handle on the team. But then I'd sort of think, well, what does that mean? You can't know because they're all away. They've all left to go and play for, in some cases, in a better team with a better manager.

Yeah. So that's not going to help, is it, to go back to a worse team with a worse manager? They're all in a situation where you haven't really got control of them, so they could quite easily be like texting each other going, this guy's a fucking child. Like, do you know what I mean? There's no way you've lost control. Someone like Mickey Van der Vend, who I think is a brilliant player,

he's definitely going to want to leave at some point if this 17th position keeps going there'll be all his teammates in his ear and his agent can meet up with him and organise like here's a plan to get out if you think of the man new team that he's going to you know turn around during the international break presumably

lamens he's off right he's got Luke Shaw he can keep he can stay or is he in the England squad McGuire's staying beyond that Martinese will be Argentina all those midfielders playing for their countries.

Those three attackers are playing for their countries. You've literally got Harry McGuire. Oh God, and he's aicky. He's getting aggie in his old age, isn't he? You know, sometimes? It used to be a bit of a laugh when he played for England. No, he's right, angry boy. He's always kicking off.

I just sort of think as well, no one needs the international break at this stage. I don't want to see international football anymore. No. Not for a good six months. And the players, you don't want to get injured. Just start the season. Anyway, let's ring Bill what he thinks of Tottenham. He must be waiting for this.

He must be waiting for this. I think we need to buy Bill. Bill a proper mic. Yeah, we need to get him so you can ask him questions as well. I think he might duck out this one. He was in a really low place when I messaged him on Saturday.

He's just looking at his phone. Hello. Hello, Bill. It's Robin Josh. Hi, yeah. Hi, Rob. And Josh. How are you? Can you tell him, can you just boost him

by saying, we're getting incredible feedback? Bill, people love you on this, by the way. love you as a person. They love your laugh. They love your positivity. You've got good knowledge about football when you said that Arsenal players run more,

stuff like that, which I'm not telling the piss, actually does happen. Rob's agent messaged us to say how good Bill was. So if he's looking for representation. We can get you a mic if you want, and you can just ring in properly. Right. I'm not feeling about Spurs, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, basically, come on. It's as bad as it's, I mean, the only bit worse from my memory, is 2.8 games. Remember then Harry Rednapp came in? And we were... Was that Juan Ramos left? Yeah. We won the Carling Cup.

Oh, yeah, yeah. We've got two points eight games. And we were bottom. And we're rock bottom now. Are you bottom in the league now? No, you're not, are you? The thing is with this, right? Yeah.

And you know this. It's a bit of where it's like, oh my God, I'm worried now. It's just in us. They're bottom. You're bottom in the league? they're bottom. Yeah, because

full of Drew. Because Philham Drew. We are rock bottom. We're no one's one as well. Yeah. So we're the worst team in the league. We spent over 300 million pounds.

That's what, do you know what? I'll save something, which I know you said you would like me because of my positivity. But the worry is, is there's so many people. Usually, you know when your team's not doing well,

your fans, I mean, no problem. We need a new strike. It's a striker. It's the manager. or the left back, they know the problem. Most people go, like, where do we go from here? Most people are just going, I don't know what the problem is now,

because it used to be our owners didn't spend any money. We've spent loads of money. You know what it's like, Bill, it's a bit worse. But it's like, you know, like when someone's ill a lot, and they can't work out what it is, and then it takes two years of different doctors, and it comes back, and it's basically like Lyme disease when you've been bitten by a tick,

and they've actually, then they've got to work backwards from that to work out what's gone on. It feels like you can't really diagnose what it is. We need a specialist. We need a specialist. What would happen is they'd go, if you went to the doctor in that situation, have you made any big lifestyle changes in the last couple of years? Is it the ground?

Is it the ground, Bill? I watched an interview with Robert Green because my algorithm is such. And he said he loved going to the Emirates because it was so nice. And so you've got the nicest ground. So is it a joy for teams to come? No. No, because it's really, it is a good ground. I'll tell you a story once, right?

And I think the, oh, I don't know, maybe. You know what? There's something we've done this year. We've actually made the away dressing room worse. So basically, both dressing rooms are really nice. Would you put some of your players in then? That's a joke of the day. Fucking Mulmoo, she's saying it.

We ain't got to play them, have we? Well, look, we made that worse. But then there was this one, it is a really nice guy. Do you know, I remember one time I was at this game. We were two, no, it was walls, we were two nil down at half time. And so then I, and I was like, I can't go back out. I don't want to go in there. So then I went to the brewery and the pizzeria.

And it was really not. I was actually, I was like, that was a far better top, you know, footballing experience. I was like, and it was actually, it was a really nice kind. And yet, I, maybe. Can I ask about, can I just ask about making the way dressing room worse because we were discussing, we were literally discussing teams doing that earlier. What does he mean they've made the away dressing room worse? And does he think the away team gets a printer?

What have they done to make the away dressing room worse, Bill? Google it. I can't explain it really. It's just sort of like a bit more basic. You know, the modern ones are really nice of room. They've taken. You know, you just made it really basic. And I think they put like a, I always remember, like, you always put a table in the middle

of the room. That's bad for like, bad for teams. I don't know why a table in the middle room is bad for teams, but I think that is bad for talking to people. But there's a table in the middle. Oh, right. So you're bottom of the league, so you've put a table in the middle of the away dressing room.

And do you reckon that, well, this is a side point because Marino was printing off pictures. Do you reckon they have a printer in there, or do you reckon they bring their own printer? Do you know, Rob, the thing is, right? You know, we're in a group, you know, Josh knows this, but we're in a group called MBA. Yeah.

Basically, and it's this thing where, usually when your team's not doing very well. So it's me and Bill with Jack Shalaka, one of the other producers on Rob and Romish when he started and Romish it's us for. Two Tottenham to Arsenal. Yeah. But for years it was our safe place where like, you could

just, we basically went and did one where we went and we fell in love a basketball didn't play. And so when your team's not doing very well, you sort of like start following basketball. And the worst thing about this at the minute, Rob, is that the basketball season has not even started yet. That's how early we're bad.

We use that. It's usually around. You know, we can turn to it. Like, it starts in October. We're bottom before October. Well, you've got three weeks, Bill, you've got three weeks, international break. Unfortunately for you and Jack, when me and Rommish meet you for dinner in a couple of weeks, it will still be the break and you'll still be bottom of the league.

But where do you go from here to any Spurs fan? I said that that was my point, Rob. Where do we go from? Nobody knows. Nobody knows. Is he a wonder what his next fixture is? We got Man United Away. Man United Away.

Oh, El Sackio. The actual El Sakio. Oh, that's so good. And then they've got Coventry. Come on that. If you lose to Coventry, DeZerby goes, I think. Yeah, 100%.

We don't lose to Coventry. I think get rid of Deserby and get Emery. He's not going to do that. He'll go to a club that's got money. Rob, I know this is so bad to say it. You do see this with like Kundi and, like, you know, Ahr and they're talking about. I know a fan said this.

But I do we've got to scratch the pochage just to get over it. You can't get poach back. We can't. I feel like I'm talking to a mate in a night. nightclub trying to get with his ex because he's having no luck. You cannot go back. Potch is not the man anymore. He had that moment. It's gone.

Yeah. Yeah, but we need to just do it. Do you know our rate? Do you know our rate, Bill? Honestly, I think you need a little bit of heart. You need to get the fans back on side. Ryan Mason. And just go from there. With David Pleak. With David Plea.

Yeah. Could I just say Michael's done some research? So just weeks ago was reported that the dressing room's luxury molten brown toilet have been removed. Lovely, see? There you go. So, do you think that's going to make a difference?

So they stink like shit and they're beating you. I smell bad. Gwen Dewa smelled like dog shit that whips it in top corner. You've got to sort of Pink Scout, he's shit, isn't it? George Wurst.

I'm watching like UVE highlights. Pat Matasasas, like Boston and Midfield at UVA. And also is that a centreback at Brighton? Is it a centreback that you've got rid of? He's better than Van Heck. Best player in the league.

He's winning man in the match every week. Oh dear. Best player in the league. We sold the good ones. We spent 300 million on worse players. Right. I don't want to feel like this is a part of it. But any positivity, Bill, would be great.

But Josh, we've got a final question for Bill before I let him go back to... Yeah. This molten brown thing, famously, players are holding wash bags when they get off the... Yeah, they're not using the molten brown. No. Also, molten brown sounds like a panic buyer.

And they're trying to get like that. We've got molten brown at left back. That's fine. We're 50 million. He's just loaded toilet. He's injured. He's injured. He had a slip in the shower.

We'll speak to him in three weeks. Any parting words for Tockland fans out there? Well, it will get better because the only weighs up from the bottom. Of course. Can I ask one last question? What's the lowest points tally ever? Derby, isn't it? Come on.

We're not doing a derby. It's Derby. I've got a friend who's a West Ham fan. and he's having the time of his life because they're winning games, they're scoring goals. Just part of him think it would be really joyful to just go down and then come back up,

having scored got 100 points. Sure, it's such a... So, DT, he's a Southampton fan. He said that his happiest he's been as a Southampton fan was when they're in the championship because they're winning every week. Yeah. At the top of the league.

With a hat on a Mac and a pair of sunglasses and a newspaper in front of it. having to snoop about. I think that's a really good point because the West Ham fans, I think... If you ask Tom, is Tom enjoying it? Big Tom? Yeah, Big Tom.

Is he enjoying it? That's what you should find out whether he's enjoying. Because I think that there's moments where... We can't be any worse than what you're going through, can it? No.

Is they true? We're Millwood, didn't they? Well, I tell you, I'll give you an example of this, Bill. They didn't. I think they were top last week. Yeah, we're talking to do more. I had a terrible time when Plymouth were in the championship, and we get every week you're playing billionaires.

We're third in league one, and I'm having the time of my life. Josh is having the time of his life of Plymouth in League one. We won at Blackpool. We would never have won if we were playing Southampton. He's strictly just reading the back pages. Yeah. Bill, I hope it gets better for you. All right.

I like that. He like that. Bill's enough for that laugh as well. ever going to end. Right, Bill, we'll speak to you soon, mate. Thanks. International break. You've got time to get the squad together.

You'll be fine. Yeah, rest up. Have you booked the cafe in Egypt to watch Marmush's first goal yet? No, he's out there. He's an annex at a minute. I think I was going to go over in October, but, I mean, I thought he said I can't go there for a nil-nil-nil. No.

I need to find a bit of thought before going to Cairo for a calf. If he does, can he report back about their walking, Rob? Oh. All right. Cheers, Bill. See you later. Bye. Bye.

Oh, that was funny report. We need a system where Josh couldn't talk to Bill. I quite like it because what I can do, I realize that I can slightly slam him when he won't hear it. Yeah. His laugh's amazing. He just loves life.

Oh, poor bloke. That was horrible. He'll have an agent by the next three weeks time when we speak to him. When Tottenham conceded the first two goals, I actually like, I know it's funny, but it was the first time I felt, this isn't actually funny anymore.

There's people in that stadium, and there's families are absolutely distraught. But Villa, needed it. Philly needed it, Rob. Yeah, yeah, they needed it. So they're Tottenham up at the league because Fulham got a point. It's a shame Fulham didn't win because then Tottenham would be bottom of the league, not just on goal difference. I know.

Tottenham v. Manu, I cannot wait. What day is that on? That is on October the 10th. Fuck, it's ages away, and at what time? It's movie week. It's show, it's show too, Rob. It's the first elimination of Strictly. It's at 5.30. So is there on Strictly this week? Yeah.

Show one. It's not that lot. It's not that far. No, it's the low. It's show three. Yeah. It's show three. Jeez.

Yeah, because it's three weeks away. Yeah. So what time is that a 5.30 game? It's a 5.30 on October the 10th. Oh, yes, please. Oh, come. I'm putting that in my diary. Yeah, you're going to love that.

Feet up. Watch that. Watch that. What a fucking night. Oh, my word. I'm not getting a pizza. Because whatever happens, that's a great game. If they both draw, they're shit.

What do you want to happen in that game? I want. Man United to win because I'm finding the Tottenham bottom of the league thing really funny and I want to and I don't believe Manuel will get good if they beat Tottenham no and I want the Carrick thing to drag on yeah so I think a top man United win will be funnier can we end by asking Michael yeah if he thinks do you want to talk about any of the other games no go on michael are you hoping man you lose games now or you do you believe Carrack can turn it around Well, I've been very clear about my feelings on Carrick.

He shouldn't have got the job in the first place. I would rather they sacked him now and replaced him, which won't happen. I think it's too embarrassing and about turn. So I would like us to lose as many games as possible, as quickly as possible, to replace Michael Carrick, because he's not and has never been the solution. Strong words there from Michael. And we're going to end Rob with some massive bastards.

Oh, we've got some massive bastards. Yeah. Give me your massive bastards. Hi, guys. Love both shows. Shout out for Massive Bastards. Ricardo Santos, Sheffield Wednesday and Cape Verde Center Half, absolute unit, six foot five inch, Ed, Sheffield Wednesday fan.

Love it, right, I'd have a look at him. Oh, he's a big old lump he is. You having him? Yeah, he's got some big old shoulders on him. It's hard you sort of need, it's hard to Google them. You need to see them running around the pitch. But yeah, I think he's definitely in that territory. The shoulders on him.

This one's got a bit of explanation, right? Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. I'm a Peterer fan. and thought I'd throw a player into the ring. I'm not sure if this is allowed, but I think it's too good not to ask, as Exodus, G-O-Hagan, retired in 2024.

How do you spell his name? Exodus, as in the... Yeah. ...Marlieson. G-O-G-E-O-H-A-G-H-O-N. So how big Z? Oh my God, he's got a massive head. Yeah, he is an absolute massive bastard.

Right. He retired in 2024, following an illustrious career, playing for 25 teams and 25 years. Try a list of teams. They've got them here. Sutton Coldfield, Broms Grove Rovers, Redditch United, Kentering Town, Peterbury,

United, Rotherham, Shrewsbury, Portvale, Barnett, Darlington, Dagenham and Regrett, Manseville, Manseville, Manseville, Worstead, Herald Street, Sully Hallmore's, Nunnoughton Town, Whitehawk, Stowardt, Town, Whitehawbridge, Tawley, Nunn Eaton, Stafford, Nunetton, Hous Oin, Barwell, Highgate, United, Grizzly and Shepards, Dynom, Certified, Dynamo, Certified,

Massive Bastard. So we'll induct one massive bastard a week. He's the one. Let me tell you why. Never has a football had so little value placed on his feet and so much on his hands. He could throw the ball into the box from the halfway line. Yes. That is peak massive bastards.

You've got a team of massive bastards. The teams he played for would cheer like they had a corner. I don't know. Yes. I love him. I fucking love him. He won't be disappointed. Luke, season ticket holder at the Posh for 222 months age,

390 months. Yes, please. Gio Hagan. I'm going to watch one of his videos. I don't know how your office is set up. Could you plot out, find out where he plays, plot out our two massive bastards on the pitch, so we know where they play.

There's actually a YouTube compilation. Of his throws? It's Exodus Gio Hagan, the greatest. Exodus was the best striker ever managed, and judging by his career, I was his manager for the longest time. He was a striker. He was a striker, yeah.

he was taking throws from the halfway. Oh my. And he was six foot five, but the throwings are mental. Big X, they call him. Oh, my, these throwings are unbelievable. Send him more, you massive bastards. Or anything you want, think we might want to hear. If you're aware, whether football teams bring prints.

No, there's a defender. He's a defender. Massive bastard. There he goes. Huge. And we'll continue to do our massive bastards's teams. What's the longest you've wanted a team to keep winning? So they keep their ship manager.

anything you think would be interesting. Have you ever been run over by steamroller? Keep them. I didn't even get to watch the Andrewstowns and then. We'll save it for International Week. Also, I want to talk about Jimmy Floyd Hassel Bank's fitness regime. I think I'm going to copy him to get ripped. He's trying to lose 10 kilos, so I'm going to do the Hassel Bank training.

Okay, great. We'll talk about the next time. Hustle Bank's tip to Sean Wright Phillips on strictly is don't count. Unbelievable. Is that what he said don't count? Don't bother counting. What does that mean in dance? Well, that's the whole thing is counting.

He said don't bother count. Fair enough. See later. Bye. Hello. Welcome to Unequal sequel. Oh, no, no, hang on. What did I say?

This is, we're not doing an episode, Dave. This is an advert. We're trying to tell people about our podcast. We're not introducing them to it. I've still got to mention what the podcast is, right? Well, yeah, but you're not saying hello and welcome to Unequal sequel. Okay, this is the trailer to Unequal sequel. Is that better?

Yeah, yeah. That's better. It's better, isn't it? But for this episode, it's called Unequal prequel, just to really confuse people. Yeah. We did change the title. But if you want to listen and you're listening to Parenting Hell Now, we've got producer extraordinaire Michael Marden on this week's episode.

We do. He's a big film fan. Yeah, well, he's a big film fan. If you're a big fan of Michael, which I'm sure a lot of people listening to this will be, then join us over on Unequal Sequel. You can hear him talk for like an hour about movies. And they do say he's got a sexy voice, so that's a good reason. Yeah, that's the thing.

Go and listen to Unequal Sequel, wherever you find your podcasts. You know,