Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - ⚽ I've got so many football opinions...⚽

Episode Date: August 31, 2026

Welcome to episode three of Footballing Hell... where every Monday Rob and Josh discuss the weekends football (or the bits that interest them) in the only way they know how. Chaotically, with not enough sleep, prep or insight... This week we (sort of) discuss the stories from the weekend of football that have interested us. Including; Haaland's hair // Pep documentary // Spurs are rubbish. Why? (Cameo by Rhys James) // FPL update - Josh has a great week // De Zerbi looks like a sad hamster // Embarrassing football icks // Harry Maguire - yes or no? // Do I now like Chelsea? Enjoy!! If you want to get in touch with the show you can; Email us: [e-mail] And follow us on Instagram and Tiktok: @footballinghell FPL team -⁠⁠⁠ join the Footballing / Parenting Hell mini league ⁠⁠⁠ LEAGUE CODE: 1a5fc7 Leave us a 5* review and subscribe to the podcast please. You know the score by now. Why football? Why now? We hear you ask... “Finally we can bring our unique brand of unprofessionalism, distractedness and inability to get things right to the until now slick and professional world of football pods. Get ready for no tactical analysis, zero discussion of VAR and a surprisingly high level of Neil Warnock chat. For people who find other football pods too informed.” - Josh Widdicombe "After 6 years of discussing my wife and children on Parenting Hell it's such a liberating feeling to finally have a podcast where I chat about something I truly love and care about in football" - Rob Beckett ⁠⁠Footballing Hell ⁠⁠is a Spotify Podcast, new video episodes available everywhere every Monday (don't worry - it's business as usual on Tuesday and Friday with the usual Parenting Hell episodes) A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello and welcome to footballing hell with Josh Whitakum. Someone who's too lazy to do a separate voice note. That was three off the bounce. Now that is a current player. I'll give you a close to. I'm in trouble. I'm in trouble.

Would I know who this is? Yeah. Are they in the England squad? Ooh. When they're... Could they be called up for England reasonably? Yes. they have a run of games after a big injury.

Cole Palmer? No, do we want to play it again? Josh, where to come? I've got no idea who this is from. Brummy. Oh, that centreback, Tyrone Mings? Used to play for Rustin Villa. Who does he play for now?

This is, I mean, for a football podcast. He plays for Everton at the moment. Yeah, I don't know. No, he doesn't actually. He played for Everton last year. Oh my God, we are so rubbish. No, no, no, but he was there on loan last year. Oh!

Oh, you're mate from the Samsung world. The Android boys. The Android boys? Yeah, it's Jack Greenish. Jack Greenish, there we go. Yeah, yeah. Right. God, who's that?

Well, I think Tyro Mings isn't the worst guess. A player that isn't in and around the England squad that's a Brumme. I don't think that's the end of the world. It's not the end of the world. That was fine. Now, Josh, slightly different energy to last week. I'm not in centre. Well, last week we were on a high because it was one of the great opening weekends of the

season. Oh, unbelievable. I mean, this was pretty good. I mean, I stopped watching Ipswich, Man United, when Man United went three one up. I just got, I could just, I'm going to say it now, Rob. I don't, I got so many opinions. I feel like I'm on talk sport. I've got loads of opinions too.

What's one of your opinions? I think that's the weakest, right in, if there's ever been a weaker, when was the last 430 fixture on a Sunday that was that week on paper? I know. That is a Saturday 3pm for my tastes. Yeah. Man United are home to Ipswich. Man United are home.

They're not even, well, they could have an upset. They've got to go to the tractor boys. Terrible nickname. I quite like that nickname actually. Because I think it's a bit of fun. They're farming. Not, you know, from chairboys last week. I actually think red devils is an embarrassment.

Yeah, I think red devils is embarrassing. Oh, we're a cheeky devil. Oh, shut up. And we're red because that's our team's colors. Yeah. Well, Liverpool's is shit. It's just the Reds. Fuck here now.

No, but it's, I mean, at least that's quite, no, but I think there's a, I quite like that. It's a simplicity to that. The Reds and the Blues in Liverpool. But the Toffees. Oh, what, aren't they blue noses as well? I think, I think Everton is strictly the Toffees. Why are the Toffey's?

What do you think of, Everton Mince is a sweet? What do you think of the Toffey's as a nickname? I'd say the, what is it, the Everton Mint? Everton Mince is a sweet I mean It's not Hey it's not It's not a big

It's not I've never heard of it But also it's a mint not a toffee Blue nose is Birmingham According to Michael The Bluno Oh is it Yeah

Oh is it Oh So hang on Why are they called the toffies If it's named after mints I imagine that there was a factory I don't know But it's all from that

Michael find out Dastrial time But I'm presuming there was a factory That made Everton Mints Nearby to Goodison Park hence the Toffees. Right.

I'll stop listening. Do you want to hear... You ask the question. Yeah, I know, but sometimes I ask questions I don't want the answer to. Do let us know if there's been a worst 430 game in the history of Sky Sports. I've got a few things.

Do you want to go from my bullet points and then we'll circle back, yeah? Are we going to circle back? Well, probably not, but at least we've made a plan. What are we circling back to? The start of the list. But I do the whole list. And then the start.

Harland hair, Discuss that. So you're going to do them and then we're going to do them one by one? Yeah, potentially. And then you can give me your list if you've got one.

The pep doc. Yeah, I've only seen clips but I want to discuss them. World Cup Wissar after the Tottenham Newcastle game. Spurs shit, I've written that down. Bromley lost 7-2.

Fantasy football because let's see how we're getting on. Enjoyed a languor doing the Omri. Deserby looks broken. Yeah. Switch keeper's six foot nine. Two exclamation marks. Is he six foot nine?

Yeah, big son. I think that's more difficult. Sorry, we're going to circle back in a minute. I'm sorry. I've shown my hand. Just shoot it. Last two. Embarrassing, I feel it really, a big ick, football ick, is when people are behind the goal

and then someone has a shot and they flinch and it's on camera, I just think it's so embarrassing. I've got there potentially. Oh, sorry, I've got more to say on that. Yeah, no, let's circle back in a minute. So I've got an idea potentially of caught on camera at the football stories that people can email in. and I've got Harry Maguire used to really like him, finding him a bit more unlikable since the World Cup moan. I've got off Harry McGuire, but we'll come back to that.

We'll circle back. Do you want to do your list and then we'll circle back? Plymouth obviously winning 2-0 at home to Bradford, who hadn't conceded all season. The bantoms? The bantoms. Dominic Calvert Lewin just, I just can't believe he's still going. Where is he?

He scored for Leeds this weekend. He just seems to, constantly beyond the, anyway, we'll come back to that. He does sound like a conservative MP. He does, yeah. We'll come back to that, Rob. We've got Dominic Calvert Lewin. Come on.

Rob, Rob, Rob. Sorry, I'm going to circle back. It's like riffing, didn't I? Yeah. Do I like Chelsea? And have we discussed Michael Owen telling Jake Humphrey that he's unfair that he's considered boring? I mean.

No. Okay, we'll circle, but I've got a lot to say, Albert. And Florin Wirtz is still rubbish, and I'm going to keep coming. to it every week. Right. Circle back. To the top, please. Circle back. Let's discuss what's happened at the weekend and then we can do the documentary section.

Yeah. Doeserbie? That's really what we want to talk about is Tottenham. Can we talk about his face? He always looks sad. Yeah. Restressed. Yeah. At all times. I don't really know what's, um, he's, what, it's what two weeks in and he spent half a bill? Half a billion. Half a billion.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Why is he so sad? Well, because they've lost twice. I know, but... But he's got... I think the... I don't want to pick apart his face. But he's got...

I'm just going to get it out. He looks like... He's got cheeks like a hamster, hasn't he? Rich coming from you, mate. I don't. I know. I know. But he...

He's... It's mainly bottom half his face. He's basically a cartoon hamster that's turned into a man. Yeah. in like a Pixar film. You know, when like all of a sudden the pet shop becomes human and all the humans become pets and now the hamster,

he's like security at the front as the little hamster. He would definitely, he would definitely be a hamster if he was an animal. And he'd be on a wheelie, spinny chair looking at all the CCTV. What other animals would the managers be while we're here, Rob? Grand Potter, Alpaca. Is he similar to Premier League?

No, he's got, he's sweet. I think, what's the manager of old, the one that looks like Pep? Oh, Moreska? Moreska. Earthworm. Carrick's a bit ostrichy for me. Yeah.

Michael, I hope you're noting these down for the year for the Instagram. Right. Let's concentrate. I never know what to say. I think, you know what the Spurs thing. I thought it's directly into actually talking about football properly. You know this terrible thing. What is, what's talking to me through the Spurs thing?

It's backed up our point last week. Yeah. They're just not very good always. they've just got to deal with it. But they are a mid-table team at heart. Yeah, they're a mid-table team in an excellent concert venue, basically. That's what they are. Yeah.

You know we were talking about teams average positions last week? Yeah. If someone has loads of time on their hands, could they like just set out the 92 teams in their average positions since... I know. And send it in. Who's doing that? Send it in.

Someone working out the last two weeks of redundancy, is filling the hours. I don't know how you do it, but I'd love to, because spurs are. Why are they so shit, though? Because they bought loads, I did a really horrible thing to my mates in the Tottenham WhatsApp group. He'd text and was like, oh, F and L has happened again. And I knew Marmush had played.

He went, oh, we're just not scoring any goals. Well, don't worry. Once Marmush starts, you know, you have a, yeah, it's just so, it's cheap, isn't it? No, but it's fun. But there's something about going. going to Spurs that just fucks you up. I think what's happening is really. Can a place be toxic?

Like, I don't believe that, you know, this is one thing that really angers me on match of the day, right? Go on. So they'll go, um, there'll be a fixture and they'll go, it's a tricky tie for Bournemouth who only one wants away at Manchester City since 1961. And you'll think that doesn't matter because that's a completely different team.

So none of those. are thinking, oh God, when we lost here in the 70s, it was disastrous. Do you know what I mean? Tottenham always beat Man City, weirdly. Or is that you in your head thinking that? Like, do you know what I mean? I think the idea that the spurs are spursy, it's just, it can't be real because this team is different to the team that Jamie Rednett played for.

They can't have the same failings. It can't be real. Well, because the Spursy thing came in where actually they got quite good. Yeah. And then they failed at the final hurdle, like when Leicester won the league. But loads of people have done that. So Brendan Rogers Liverpool failed at the final hurdle. And no one was like, that's very Spursy.

I'd say Tottenham, unfortunately, are the most hated Premier League team in London. No. Not by outsiders. Well, no, no. So Chelsea hate Tottenham more than they hate Arsenal. Yeah. rivalry-wise. There's always a big Tottenham. West Ham hate

Tottenham. But West Ham, you know, that's probably the main rival, apart from Millwall, but they're not in the league, really. And Chelsea Fullum, but like, they have their own rivalries. But in London, they hate Totten the most. Yeah. Palace of Brighton, but then they're a little bit out of the loop. So they've got a lot of

London centric. True. But I think there's a lot of London centric journalists that then will gang up on them because it's funny. If you're an Arsenal, Chelsea, West Ham fan, that's a massive demographic of people that may influence the media, that will they make them the whipping boys? But they're making themselves the whipping boys.

They keep losing. It happened to Arsenal. When Arsenal didn't win a trophy for like 10 years or something, that was the big thing, wouldn't it? And then they won the FA Cup that stopped it for a bit. Oh, no one cares about the FA Cup. We'll come to that when the FA Cup starts, but no one cares about it anymore.

It's a total... You're invited to do the draw before strictly. You'll have your hand right in that little velvet bag. You and Rod Stewart swirling around Chef Wednesday. He's a good booking. Fair play if they get Rod Stewart. Have you seen him do it when he's drunk?

Oh yeah, but that was a while ago, wasn't it? That was ages ago. Yeah. Okay. Right. Was he a Tottenham in shit? Do you see Alangah do the,

Omri's celebration in front of the Tottenham fans? No, I didn't see that, no. I mean, that's quite spurs it. Like that, an Arsenal fan celebrating as an Arsenal player playing for Newcastle in front of the Tottenham. Yeah. It's not ideal, is it?

That's not. But they can't be in a relegation battle this year, Can they rob? No, not with the money they spent. They have to... Okay, is this a murder theory? I'm basing this on a sample of two, right? Yeah.

What's this, Michael's written? So Spurs's average league position finish since the start of the Premier League is actually sixth. No. No, you need to check that. Yeah, excuse me, but I don't want to go all Richard Keyes. There was a top flight before the PL. Yeah, here we go, here we go.

So put some respect and something like, Why don't you do, suppose, it's average league positions since 1980? Since they started? Okay. And do you like Chelsea? What was that a question? Well, I hate Chelsea as a football club generally. Because I think, I think their fans are the worst of both worlds.

Go on. Posh. Or, like, bald racists. Do you know what I mean? The worst of both classes. The worst of both classes. It's true, it?

I can't, you're like, you can't even pick one horrible group. You've chosen both. At least Mill will stick to one. So, I don't really like Chelsea for that reason.

And then also they bought, they spent a lot of money as well. Yeah, I liked them for one year when Marino arrived because I found him absolutely thrilling. Oh, he's great. The Marino dock. Oh, no, it's on way to do.

It's on where to do. Oh, the pep docks. Oh. Since 1908, Spurs' average league's position finish is 11.8, so 12th rounded up. Thank you. So if anything, Tottenham fans should thank us for putting 10th. Yeah, exactly. We're not here as these...

Premier League newbies. We're talking about it from 1908. When is it, 1908? 1908. Yeah, we're the pre-war boys. Yeah, the pre-first world war boys. Before the idea of war. Can you check Chelsea, Michael?

Before the idea of war. So. We circle back. Harland's hair. Harland's hair. I don't like it when we try and do lists. It don't work, does it? Well, let's talk about Harry McGuire.

Let's do Harry McGuire then, Pep. Harlan's basically shaved his air off and it's just not as exciting as a sort that it was going to be. He just still looks like Erling Harland. He's one of those people that actually gets his hair cut and you realize it's not, what's this Chelsea, 12th? 13th since 1905. 13th since 1905. They should get that part. They should put that on one of them.

You know those banners that the fans hang out. up. Average position. Every club should be forced to hang a huge banner, which is their average league position. Could you do Plymouth? Harry McQuire, right? So I turned the football off when he bowled it,

then Miss kicked it, and then it bounced off an Ipswich player and went in, but they couldn't rule it out because it was an own goal, and it wasn't scored by the person that handballed it, which is an absolute bollocks. Absolutely. Someone handballed it and then got an advantage, and then they scored.

Surely he just ruled it. about the goal. Yeah, absolutely insane. I just found his World Cup thing so pathetic. Really embarrassing. You've got respected for the World Cup. And let's be honest, he had an all right season, but he weren't pulling up trees, was it? He weren't amazing. No, he's fine. Deeply average season. Yeah.

And I thought, when else would you ever at work publicly? Like, like, teams being, if you didn't get picked to do Taskmaster, would you, you know, complain on Twitter? No. Of course. Would your mum chipping? Just look Alex Horn I think it's a disgrace

Why haven't you done? What TV show haven't you done? Is it ready? Bake off? No, I've not done a laugh. Last one laughing. Last one laughing, right. Have you released a statement

about your upset anger and rage that you've not been selected so far? I haven't like that. Do you think that's why I haven't got it? No, I think that's what they're going to look guys. If Josh was ready, you would have released a statement by now. Also, what happens after statement?

Also, before the lineups announced. So imagine if the night before the next last one laughing lineup is announced, I go public to say, guys, I'm not doing last one laughing. And my mum is livid. Just so you know, before tomorrow, I've spoken to Jimmy Carr. He phoned me up to tell me that I'm not doing last one laughing. And I think it's a disgrace. I just want to...

I've been really funny this year actually at the clubs. I'm really funny. I've been really good. Everyone's saying I've been really good. I've got 18 points in my fantasy comedy league. Yeah, exactly. Every week. And I am ready for it.

I've done it before. It would be one I've done before. But anyway, also I then saw him on the rest is football. Yeah. He said, one of the things he said, it blew my mind. He said, I just wanted one more tournament. representing England, you're like, well, that doesn't matter.

That's never one else's fucking problem, mate. Yeah, I'd quite like one. It's quite like one World Cup, actually. It's not you wanting to do it. It's not either here nor there. It's not asking your mum for an ice cream because your brothers have got to. Could you imagine his face

when he must have thought, well, it's all right because it's not like Dan Burns has become the most popular person in the squad. I thought it was wild. But anyway, because I quite like it. before that. Maybe he can redeem himself this season with more handballs and deflected goals.

Can we talk about the PEPDoc? Do you want to do your Fantasy League and then PEPTock or Fantasy League at the end? Because you've smashed it, haven't you? Yeah, I've got an insane amount of points today. I don't really understand how you've done so well. I don't know how I've done it. Michael, I've got 87 points.

This week? This week. I got 65. What did you get, Michael? I got 79, but the average across the entire system, the ecosystem, is only 29. So that's a really, really strong course. We're smashing it, yeah? The old blonde boys going at it. I've still got two players to play.

Have you? Yeah, I've got my Arsenal players to play. I'm going to top 100 points here. Who have you got from Arsenal? I don't know, do I? I don't know how to look at my team. Gabriel. Michael, how does it feel that Josh is doing better than you

and he's not even, look, doesn't even know how. to look at his team. I mean, if I genuinely cared, it would be quite humiliating, but he doesn't really love to me. Fair enough. Good response.

Yeah, I've still got, but I just, all my players kept scoring. Pascal Gross, when he scored, I thought we're in here. Arland, Jal Pedro,

Bruno Fernandez. What a week. Can we talk about the PEPDoc? Yeah. Now, the PEPDoc is one of the most remarkable documentaries I think I've ever seen.

Have you watched it all? Yeah. In, I've gorged it. I've watched my cloins yet, but it's only have three or four episodes, but they're quite quick. And what is it? Is it a Man City doc or a pep doc?

It's a pep doc, but it's about Man's City when they went a bit crap and lost the league to Arsenal. And I think Liverpool as well, like two seasons, but it was that turning point when they went a bit crap, then they got a bit better. And then they got past. But it's basically, he just keeps... I don't want to laugh because it is someone's life,

but every halftime team talk, it seemed, there was a mention of him going for a divorce. Yeah. Which I get is a terrible thing to go for and quite overwhelming. But, oh, Plymouth, sixth in the league one, is their average position? Perfect. That's exactly where I'd see us as. Perfect.

You'll say things like, look, guys, we're losing to Bulmuth. But my wife's really fit. And we're getting divorced. She's beautiful. What are you thinking? You're sat there. Just go, mate. Just have a couple of days off.

Don't bring it into work. Arguably, the fact you're here is, you know, you should be, you know, easing back on the old management thing, not bringing up your divorce at Bournemouth. Do you know what I mean? Well, you know, imagine being a player and you come home for hours' work, was our pet, pet was talking about his ex-wife and scratchy his head. We lost two, Neil.

You can't be doing that as a boss. I've never, I've worked in workplaces. And generally, personal lives are kept separately. That's generally the rule. Well, I think you can, if you're being a bit down, someone can say you're right and you can explain that you're going for a divorce. But for example, you wouldn't get Michael on here.

No. Interrupting us and going, look, lad, we've had a good first half of the pod, but the anecdotes aren't quite hitting the back of them there here. That ton of stuff was all over the shop. Yeah, and I don't know that circle back shit, but I'm going for a fucking divorce, all right? I need this. You need to sharpen up.

Because I'm having a tough time at home. I'll just say, Michael, I think we should stop the recording. You should get some rest. It's not that important. It's not that important, Michael. I felt a bit sorry for Pep, but he's completely obsessed. So he's filming himself while he's doing it, which doesn't... Oh, so I was like, how many wins do you know?

He's won everything. I know. It doesn't matter. You've only got one marriage and you've got six league titles at Mancer. You don't need another one. There's got to be a point when she's like, I didn't sign up to live in Manchester for a decade. Well, yeah, because he normally does two to three years.

He's constantly extending his contract. I've told you when I saw Carranka on the train to Middlesbrough, didn't I? I don't know how you haven't. I was on a train to Newcastle, I think, or Stockton. Yeah. To do a gig. Stockton's outside Middlesbrough in it. Yeah.

And very glamorous lady came in. stunning, all white, like, chaneled up the lot. Then a handsome man in a suit sat down, I was like, I swear that's a footballer. And then I was going, right, what football do we go into? And they're like, ah, it's Carranka, the new Middlethal manager going up. Yeah. And I just watched in real time of this, I assume,

Spanish lady's face buzzing as she balled in the first-class train carriage at London, Houston. And as she slowly crept towards the north going through, different stuff. I think the realization that moving, you know, to Middlesbrough was very different to living in London or Manchester or. Yeah. And I don't think she was, I don't think she would, she was told the full extent of where Middlesbrough was because it's like, if you are moving from Spain, it's a fairly isolated city to start it. Yes, it is. It is. And I think, you know, And I think when she's got together, I don't know, but I'm presuming she's got together with I Talk or Anchor.

Great name, isn't it? When he's probably playing for Real Madrid. Yeah? That's who he played for, isn't it? And he's working three hours a day and living in probably, you know, an incredible city to live in. Well, to be fair, she's done a shift

because he did Birmingham for a year, not in him forest for a year. they're Middlesbrough so they had a good old go on it but they were there in Middlesville for four years but since then he went back to Rio Madrid as an assistant and now he's a Spain under 60 I think he's going to look I'm pulling rank here

but you get me back to fucking Spain Sharpo mate you're not going to be a manager of the top level get back to assistant and then we can choose where we live for the love of God also about the hours are better as assistant I always thought second reserve goalkeeper is the best job in football Yeah, so good

You do fuck oh Oh good Carlo Kudacini What a career he had doing fucking nothing Oh yeah people resent that Or Scott Carson You're like That's the best gig

But then is it or no Because they're still getting paid well They are Because like what would be Well I suppose it would be the equivalent Rob If there was a stand by On this podcast Would you like that role

So you're sat You're watching this podcast in case one of us gets a sore throat and you've been watching it every episode. No, but you wouldn't have to watch it. You could just sit in your house with a laptop near. They have to watch the football, though, don't they? The goalies.

So if we had a podcast standing, they'd be watching this and working out like Solshar did, ways to sort of penetrate the defence of the listeners and get jokes in and stories. God. If I come on now, I've got a great eye to Karanka story. They'd be thinking, No, he's fine, he's fine again.

My favourite detail is when they're in the gloves, when they're already in the gloves. What play? The gold is the picture of the gloves on. The gloves are absolutely beautiful. I just sort of think, when you're the reserve, you're just going up, sat in the dressing room and going, oh, better tape up the fucking hands again for no reason.

Just, it must feel a bit. I'm like, Carlo Kuduchin's hands. Like, softer than mine. Just moisturise them and slipping in a glove for 90 minutes. I reckon they're like I took Carranka's wife's hands. Just Carla Gutichini's. Oh, God. I always think that as well, like, you know, like Mrs. Brown's boys?

Yeah. Like in the dressing room before going on and stage, like, obviously because it's a great act he does and he loves it. But like, when he's pulling on the types. Oh, God. So you think he just thinks, fuck, why didn't I just do? Why did I have to be Mrs. Brown? in that moment

Do you think that's similar to Carlo Kudacini putting on the goalie gloves again? Yeah, I think Brendan O'Carroll. Fucking sent her back. At least I could warm up with my legs and look like, I can't even warm up without looking mental. Golly looks rubbish when you warm up. You know when they, they've got a different guy,

they just go to a different area and a guy kicks the ball at them. They're very, it feels like very separate worlds they live. Yeah, it's quite a sad world, I think, a goalie. Well, I think if you're the goalie, it's fine. Do you think? Yeah, but if you're a reserve goalie,

I think that's bleak. But I think it's, they're all quite odd characters keepers normally, aren't they? Often at the lower level, Rob, the reserve keeper's the one that's knocking in the crosses and taking the shots for the warm-up. Yes, they do. Oh, you actually have to do loads of crossing. Yeah.

Well, they, like volley really hard at their hands. Yeah, they do. It's massive volley. Volley, it's like a goalkeeping coach. I wear the little skinny track suits to look good on the players but there's just a fucking 50-year-old blow of a massive gut,

volley and balls at a keeper because he played for late in Orient 10 years ago. Should we go through the results? Do we have to? Not just... I don't know what I was going on with the league. Okay, so Chelsea beat Brighton 4-3.

Chelsea are exciting. They are exciting this year. Sand one full of them, Neil. I mean, come on. Leeds won Brentford one. Tomlin Calvert Lewin, as we discussed. Tottenham was actually bottom of the table. Tottenham at bottom?

Yeah, because I've got the worst goal difference. Oh, yeah, they are with Crystal Palace. They haven't scored a goal yet. The only team not to score a goal in the whole league? Oh, that's funny. Yesterday, Rob, I had to listen. I didn't have to. I was driving at 3pm.

I thought, I'll put the football on. Oh, no. Sorry, Aston Villa and Coventry haven't scored either. No, it's bleak, isn't it? Yesterday, Rob. Mm-hmm. I was driving. it was Coventry versus Hull

for two hours. So you listen to the game? Listen to the game. So what's happening in the... He's got wife and kids in the car? Yeah. Right, but they're on iPad to headphones. He froze listening to Hull Coventry?

Well, it was on quietly so he could talk. I wasn't intently listening. You weren't glued, you weren't lasered in. I wasn't like one of those people on the last day of the season with a radio to my ear. I wasn't one of those. No. I was, I had it on quietly because they go around the ground with the goals.

So you get to hear the Plymouth goals when they go in. Right, okay. But fuck me. I was thinking, what am I doing with my life here? Coventry, V Hull. You don't need to listen to that for this. No, I did need to listen to that for this, but I do, you know, I just thought it should. Talking about the actual, actual gains is so boring.

It's so dry. Right. So many of the games. Okay. Hull, I don't think, Coventry. Okay, here we go. Tottenham, Tottenham, Tottenham.

What's going on with Tottenham? That's the big story for the weekend. Why tactically are they shit? I don't know. Because when Chelsea won four three today, I looked at their team on the Sky Sports app. Yeah. Do you not use Flash Score?

No, what's Flash Score? You like Flash Score. That's the best for goals and lineups. Mike, what do you use for goals? Just BBC and FPL. Oh, sorry, I didn't know. I was doing a podcast by my fucking father-in-law. So you just go on to BBC Sport

Look there, you fucking credit That is Flash Flash score Hey, once you get into Flashscore It's got a lot on there, lineups, goal scorers Full High-up's the goal scorers That's the least been fucking expecting Oh wow, goal scores, holy shit, are we in the future?

Oh, sorry, let's go back to your teletext 3.02, yeah? So I like it. No, it's good, standing, straight, so much slicker than the BBC website. What do you go on, Josh? Premier League app. Sky Sports Football app.

But don't you want to do all the... That's got the highlights on it. Have you got the highlights on Flash score? What do you mean the highlight? How soon can you see the goals? About an hour afterwards? That is actually good to be fair. I don't have that flash score.

I... I... But yeah, I've got nothing to say tactically. No, I don't understand. I went on to the Chelsea team on Sky Sports. Yeah, I'm doing that now on Flash Score going yet. Yeah, and they're playing three-four-three, right?

Oh, they drop their goalkeeper. They put a new goalkeeper in? Yeah, they've got the Villa guy now. Oh, did they buy him? Yeah, they bought the Villa guy. This week? Yeah. Fucking, it's hard to keep up, isn't it?

Well, he has had a good start, like the conceded three. Thank God they got him in. The other guy, gloves on, on the bench. Oh, to be fair, the way he plays, you take his gloves off, have no fucking hands. After what happened last week. So, but yeah, they're playing 3-4-3. Last season, Rob, man, you couldn't handle that at all.

Suddenly Chelsea was brilliant with it. Why am I bothering with tactics? I spent a whole year being told by journalists that Manu's 343, their removable 3-4-3 was a waste of time. Well, no, there are, so there are footballers I speak to that understand these tactics, and they'll watch a game and be able to.

to tell you what's going to happen in it because of the way all the players are moving. But it's so boring, isn't it? So boring. I'm much rather hear about I took her anchor on a train to Middlesbrough. Higher press. Oh, so bored. I've gone from an extreme high press.

How about you fucking launch it to a big lad who nods it down for a little fella and bang? Do you know what? Michael Lavin. Do you know what I've noticed about this, right? You get these managers and they go, he's brilliant because his team just presses everyone, right? Yeah. Who's not pressing? Because it seems like that's everyone who's good is pressing.

Yeah, but all pressing is, is if someone's got the ball run at them and try and get the ball. I mean, that's, that, when I played, if you did it with another mate, it'd be called bunching. And everyone would shout, stop bunching, stop bunching. I'm like, it's a high press. My football team at primary school, we had a fucking incredible press.

Because wherever the ball was, There was 10 men on it. We'd be so good of pressing, it would depress ourselves. It was unbelievable. The pressing was off the charts. Stop bunching. That's all I remember from the first five years of playing football. When I started football, playing football briefly at primary school for a team,

Liverton, right? Yeah. I realised everyone was bunching. And I just stood outside the bunch a bit. Yeah. And then the ball would pop out of the bunch. like a kind of pinball. And then I'd be thrown goal.

And I scored quite a few. And I thought, I'm fucking good at football. And then the moment people stop bunching, nothing. I was gone. So we do some emails quickly. People are sending emails. Thank you for the emails.

Hi, Rob and Josh and Michael. When I was at university, I worked half of the season as a waitress at Stanford Bridge. Oh, yes, please. Here we go. Yes, please. I can confirm their fans are the two worst types of youth. human beings.

Posh and scum. Posh and scum. Posh and scum. No, it was the season of 2007-8, so that's the last Marino season. I can confirm that Joseo Marino is unbelievably intense. I used to work pre-game in the

Players' VIP lounge. So if it was a 745 kickoff, we'd have a huge table with fruits, cereals, serials. 745? For the evening game. I sometimes have like sugary cereal as a treat.

Match your Kessman's having a pole of cocoa pops. I do good Johnson's smashing back wheat a bit. Who's had all the wheatos? Oh, Joe Cole's been in. Fucking hell. Claude McAlelele's had four bowls of fruit and fibre. Where's Adrian Moodoo? get off that.

That's sugar on the shredded wheat. Calm down. Get your nose at me bowl. Right. So, cereal and all sorts of carb-heavy foods. What's Chefchenko doing it? Sorry.

Shevchenko and Drog, we're going for the same bowl again. Erden and Crespo's on a bagel, coulda? Right. I'm just desperately crawling those random Chelsea players. Sorry.

Sorry. So, Marino would often sit in the corner, whispering to someone or merely just staring. He's completely nuts. He was highly unnerving and I would choose to skirt around his table and not clear his plate hoping that someone else would. I didn't enjoy the job and preferred to work at the Oval as it was a far nice

for a more relaxed atmosphere. Yes, cricket is just getting hammered after every fucking game. I enjoyed the first episode, so keep it coming from Jen. Thanks, Jen. More of that, more inside, front line. I'd love to know what I thought of them were eating. Any inside from the front line. please let us know.

What weird stuff you've seen footballers eat if you worked at the training ground or the stadium. Yeah. I've got irrational team rivalry behavior. Yeah. Bust about your new podcast. Listen to the story about the guy who won't even drive through Plymouth

because he's an exit fan. Yeah. Reminded me that when I was a kid, I would never eat the penguins, biscuit, not birds, with the blue wrappers and my mum bought them for the family because I was a Liverpool fan.

What? I'm now 50, and my football superstitions have only got worse. With the blue rappers? Yeah, as my partner once walked in on a match Just as a goal went in against us He is now never allowed in the living room When I'm watching Liverpool

As I deemed him to you bad luck I watch every match So this means regular banishment All the best Susan Bloody ill Susan That's too much I've just highlighted that in blue To say we've read it

Just to fuck Susan up Do you think she won't have an Everton mint as well Do you remember my European Super League idea That I think is going to save football? Yeah Hi guys, I've just listened to Josh idea about the Super League where you have top league, second league, and then the

four bottom teams of the second league were relegated back into their countries. Yeah, so basically there is European Super League, but so Tottenham, for example, would have got relegated out of it last season and then someone else would go in. Yeah. Yes. Four teams get relegated back to the domestic league and a playoff of the best four domestic

sides to promote happens. I couldn't help but notice that there would be a problem if the teams who were relegated from the Super League weren't from the same countries as the teams who were promoted to it. Yes. Oh. So don't we just do the worst team of that country? If the team got promoted to the Super League from the Prem

and none came down, there'd only be 19 teams left in the Prem. So you'd have to give a relegated team a reprieve, which would lose the jeopardy of the... No, no, no, no, no. So you've got two options here. You've got one, right? Which is that each domestic league just has to readjust. So you'd promote an extra team from the championship.

It's fine. Yeah, this does get messy. Well, the second is you just get relegated into the league of the team. who replaces you. Whoever you are, so all of a sudden. Sparta, Moscow and the Premier League. There you go.

Wow. That's the spicy away day. It's a difficult one. The tractor boys. Off they go. Ferry over to mainland Europe, long old drive. Got a combine harvester on the

in Autobarne. Well, next to Moscow. So whoever gets relegated goes back into the leagues of the four promoted teams, willy nearly, they're just assigned to those teams.

You can go to the nearest four. The four that are relegated can pick which teams to which leagues they go in. They can debate it. Right. I think that could be fine. Or you just do the lowest people in each country get relegated.

Yeah, exactly. That's a more reasonable. less fun. So Rob, one more. As a football widow, it would be really fun if you guys could give us a comment to say when the match is on, right, e.g. a big Sunday afternoon match, something everyone will watch.

So we confuse our football watching partners with our amazing, insightful football knowledge. Oh, I don't know if we can help. Well, let's true. It can't be too specific because we won't know if the player is on the pitch or bench, mainly because we don't care unless, right. So let's have a look at next Sunday's 4.30 p.m. Yes, because that's the big one.

Who's on? Arsenal v Chelsea. So I think you could say, do you remember when Karnu scored that wild goal against Chelsea where he's basically... The hat trick. The hat trick, where he's basically on the touchline. Or I think this is a bit more niche,

but if they should go, now Morgan Rogers has signed to Chelsea, are they both doing the cold celebration, or is it just Col Palmer? Oh, okay. Yeah, that's fun. So that's quite good, isn't it? Because basically he has that celebration where he looks like he's cold and rubs his arms.

But Morgan Rogers does it, and so does Cole Palmer. But Morgan Rogers reckons he did it first. Well, you can say that. You could say that the other thing you could say with Chelsea v. Arsenal is you could say, have you noticed Chelsea have the two worst types of human beings supporting them. How about, how about, is there anyone that's played for both teams? There's got to be loads of players that play. William Gallas.

Cess Fabragas. Cess Fabragas. You could say. So who do you think it would be supposed? Who do you reckon Cess Fabricass would be supporting today? Arsenal or Chelsea? Yeah. Yeah.

Because obviously there's an arsenal through and fruit, but Wenger refused to sign in when he came back to the Prem because Arsenal had fucking DeNielsen. And before you know it, there he was at Stanford Bridge having a bowl of Kellogg's star at 6pm. Fabragas, Guy back to Chelsea still upsets me. But you know, Rob, think about it this way. Think about it this way. Bola crunching up cornflakes. Stanford Bridge, 7 p.m.

Cess Cepadrig, that's tucking him before the match. He wouldn't be on that. It would have been all brown or something. He was a sensible player. That, by the way, is from Josie Jules and Ted. Josey Jules and Ted. Also, where do we start?

Is it possible to just become a football fan? Bournemouth is our local team that's useful information. So is it possible to just get into football, Rob? Yeah, just go get a ticket and go watch Bournemouth play. Yeah. A good team. If you just follow a team, you'll soon pick them up. you'll soon get into them.

I find it really embarrassing that people care loads if their team win or lose. Yes. I love the sort of fun of it and the soap opera, but like, if Arsenal,

say Arsenal lost, four-neal to Tottenham, I'll be annoyed for about 20 minutes, or 20 seconds probably, once I've turned it off, I completely forgotten. But these people that let it hang over them all week or even worse,

they gloat about it all week. Oh, God. It just, mate, cringes me out. How long do you care, Michael? I love football, but it does not affect. my emotional well-being. I think there's a point in your life

where you reach a sort of level of emotional maturity where football should not dictate your mood beyond the match itself. Let us know. If you're going for divorce, just let us know. Fuck it. For fuck sake, guys. You haven't talked about embarrassing footballics

when fan get flinched behind the goal. Do you shit together? It's fair word still rubbish. For fuck sake. Sorry, let's circle back. Let's circle back. Josh, is Florian Wurt's still rubbish? Yep.

Yeah, and send in your football icks and, which for me is people flinching behind the goal. So would you, so sorry, you're stood behind the goal? Yeah. Are you just, and Cole Palmer's through a goal? Yeah. And he shoots. Yeah. And you think it's going to hit you.

Josh, if I'm behind the net, I'm hoping the net will catch it. But, yeah, yeah. If you're behind the goal, where there's a net and you're flinching. If you're by the post, I get it. And there's a chance, I get it. But if you're behind the goal, there's a net and you're flinching, don't sit there.

You're not built for it. Also, it's the shittiest place to sit in the whole of the stage. Awful. Unless someone scores and that's good. Yeah, yeah. But it makes up for it. But when the ball is up the other end, if you're stood behind the goal, that is absolute shite.

The end is rubbish. I'm sorry. the end is a bad view. Yeah, I agree. Oh, should we, we're supposed to be ringing fans of clubs when their team's been shit to wind up. What Tottenham fans could be ring? I know a couple of TV producers at the Tottenham.

Reese James. Race James. Oh, is he a Tottenham fan? Yeah. Should we ring him and ask him why Tottenham a shit? Yeah. That is fun of it. Mate, did you call me?

Or was that an accident? No, no, I didn't call you. I'm doing football in hell with Josh, and we just wanted to find out why Spurs are shit. Yeah, it's not great, is it? I think there's a sort of witch's curse going on. Right, okay, because you've bought loads of players now. You've got a good manager, and it's sort of exactly the same as the last two seasons.

What's... Well, give it a second. I mean, come on. We've got a whole catalogue of players. You know, you... So, hang on. So the problem is you've got players? Yeah, yeah, but they're not...

They're not gelled yet. Right. They're not mixed in. You know when you buy a new outfit, and the first day you wear it, everyone can tell. Right. Everyone's how can hear you going, oh, right, new outfit. That's what people are doing sort of with Omar Marmush. Yes.

That's what everyone can tell you. They've got a new striker, and it's not working yet. So he's, you know, when the outfit's wearing you rather than you're wearing the outfit. Omar Mahmush is being worn by Tottenham rather than Tottenham wearing him. I worked out a problem here, Rhys. You can't hear, Josh. I'm going to have to push it through. What do you want to ask, Chris, Josh?

Well, is he on tour? Reese, you on tour? Do you want to plug anything? I'm just walking to my last Edinburgh show of the Edinburgh run today. Oh, you're walking to your last Edinburgh show? Yeah. It's not ideal prep, this, is it?

Yeah, it really getting me in the mood to have a laugh. Thanks for that. I went on stage just after me and Spencer Jones and John Kearns watched the game yesterday. And Luke McQueen, big Arsenal fan. Yep. And I went on stage immediately after that yesterday. So, you know, that was the worst one of the run.

Yeah, of course. You're bottom of the league, conceded five, not scored one. Josh has got a quick question for you before you go and say, what is it, Josh? What do you think Spurs' natural league position is? And there is a... What do you think Spurs' his natural, most obvious league position?

If you think of a position in the league for Tottenham, what would it be? Sixth. Sixth. In the Premier League era, you're right. But since start the league, it's actually 12th. I said 10. Oh, yeah, sorry. I'm doing Premier League.

No, no, we're doing pre-war. We're doing pre-war. Sixy Dean's scored more than Alan Shearer, mate. Is it not enough that you've conquered... the realm of parenting. What's happened? Have your kids got too old? I'm going to go back on the play.

Aye. But anyway, I'm an avid listener. I'm an avid listener to the other one. Oh, are you? I don't have kids and have no interest in having kids. I listen to your other podcasts. Right. I can't listen to this one because you're going to flag off spurs every week.

Well, no. Well, there's an answer to that, Rees. Fucking win. And we won't. Well, yeah, this is really getting me in the mood. Right. Let's make this positive, freeze. What, how will deserve you make them gel?

What's the plan? When do you start winning again? He lost his first. First five games for Brighton, I think, Deserby. Right. And then he got quite good for a bit. Whereas Thomas Rank won his first two games for spurs. And that's the worst manager I've ever seen in my life.

No, no, you had your goal Tudor immediately after. He was all right. He drew against Uber. He was awful. He was done shit. He got them fit again. He got them fit for Deserby. Fit for fucking what?

The championship. How did you get fit halfway through the season? 17th place again. Ola, Ola, Lace. Have a good gig. What's your show called? Got logic. It's the last one.

We'll be phoning it in big time since you are coming tonight because I'm going to record. Unlucky. Cheers, Rhys. Good luck on tour. Thank you. See you. See you later. Cheers bye.

See, some spur fans are all right. Yeah. If they keep losing, I'll phone Josh Pugh about Coventry next week. See you later. Big one. Chelsea Arsenal next week. That'll be a good game. Oh, that'll be a good game.

I look forward to it. See you next week. Oh, I forgot to talk about what they wore a match of the day. Bye. What did they were? It was fine. line.