Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S10 EP19: Dirty Monkey Cuck

Episode Date: April 29, 2025

More misadventures in parenting, life, and beyond with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe... Rob gets in trouble for being late for school pickup, R+J ponder how radio and wi-fi actually work, Rob talks about his visit to 10 Downing Street, and Josh was witness to a high-speed car chase!! Please follow and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available free everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. MAILING LIST: ⁠parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com⁠ Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with advice and of course tales of parenting woe. Because let's be

honest there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello you're listening to Parenting Hell with Rosie can you say Rob Beckett? Rosie, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Can you say Josh Whiddicombe? Josh Whiddicombe. Can you say Josh Whiddicombe? Josh Whiddicombe. No, is the answer?

Rosie, can you say Rob Beckett? Where's she from, Rosie? Doesn't say Rob, so you can do what you want really. Inverness. Do you know the Shetland Islands are supposed to be Norwegian? I'm sorry? The Shetland Islands are apparently Norwegian? In what sense?

I don't want to cause a big rift up in Scotland. Last thing we bloody need Rob. I don't want to divide the country anymore. Is to lose the Shetland Islands to Norway. Where are the Shetland Islands? Really close to Norway actually. Yeah there they are, let me zoom out. Oh the Shetland Islands are part of Scotland and Norway. It's just about close to Scotland. They're closer to Norway than Scotland.

No. Mainland. Mainland. Do you think? Yeah it's got better, the islands got history of Norse culture. I bet the Vikings were all over that weren't they? Fucking hell the Faroe Islands is in the middle of fucking nowhere. Look at that little bastard.

They were part of Norway and they became part of Scotland in the 15th century. Now no, no shade is Shetland. Yeah. Were you being fought over or did someone just take you? Michael, can you find if we've got any listeners in Shetland Islands or that just come up as Scotland? I can try. I can try.

Okay. Let me read out this email. Let me read out this email. Okay, we'll get back to the old Shetland Island debate. Last thing we need. Hi, Rob Joshua Michael. This is Rosie, 21 months, attempting your names. I've been listening to the podcast since Rosie was born and her mum at Baby Group recommended it. I look forward to every week. Listen on my hour commute to work and I've now got the other half into it too. Thanks for the laughs Lydia and Luke. Oh Lydia and Luke and Rosie. Look at that lovely little family unit. Yeah. Yeah. Very nice. Very nice.

Okay. I've got some Shetland Island. Got some Shetters. Shetland Island details. I think we've got one listener. Come on down. Jacob and Jackamson. Yeah. Possibly two, but it looks like one person listens in the shed. Maybe on two devices. Good on them. Good on them. How are you Josh? Uh, good. Good. Uh, I wanted to ask you Rob, you went to number 10. Oh yes.

I went to, I was going to talk about my stressful morning, but I could talk about that. I'll talk about your stressful morning first We've got a child that like I'd like getting up early and one that hates getting up for school I the jump between the vibe that one is incessantly talking to you and one is just staring ahead refusing to respond and then I'll clear what clear watch tell you the morning Well, you can have tell you on while you're eating if you eat quickly And then like, Oh, can we watch telly in the morning? We're like, Oh, you can have telly on while you're eating if you eat quickly and listen. So then one is eating quickly and listening and doing what is told.

The other ones go really slow. So then you sort of threatening to turn the telly off, but then one's getting punished and the other one isn't. And then we've banned white bread. What do you think about this? We've banned white bread in the house at home because basically they were eating too much white bread. Would house at home, because basically they were eating too much white bread. Would that include bagels?

No, bagels would be a separate thing. But what we've got instead is... Because if we banned bagels, we'd be in serious trouble. But look, the things, I don't even mind them having that much white bread, but they have quite a lot of white bread at home at school. And then when we go out, they can have what they want. But it's like, they were banging... Basically, because they love white bread so much. It was like everything was just getting defaulted to like white

bread beans on toast, white bread, butter sandwich, white bread, eggie dip dip. And it's just so we swapped it out for a white sourdough, which they're not sure on this quite soft sourdough. And then that best of both. You know, it's half white half wholemeal because it's just like because my daughter, my daughter was getting belly ache. Is it the best of both? Is it the best of both? That's my question. Half of the worst. But my daughter was getting a bit of bellyache and I'm not gonna be white bread. I can't eat white bread at all.

And I think it was the white bread that was getting on her belly has been better since. I've never heard the word white bread so much. In the space of a minute. But honestly, it's dominated the week. Has it? Yeah, because they tell everyone they meet that we as like some of horrendous witch parents have banned. I said, we haven't, you're allowed white bread at school, out and about at people's house. You can have it whenever you can. You could just, I think the word banned is doing a lot of, is quite problematic. Could you not have just said we're not buying white bread anymore? Well, that's what was my plan was to not mention it and just go, that's the bread we got. But

Lee went a little bit front foot forward. She's really, she's shouted tariff from the rooftops. Yeah. Like basically, and the markets are unstable at the moment. So we're trying that. But my eldest likes the white sourdough and doesn't mind the best of both It's absolutely because they actually taste pretty much the same you can't tell much difference really But then my youngest is pretty much better at being stubborn right? Yeah, so she's you know, she went I Like the white bread, but it's not as much but it's okay and then Lou went well went, well, it's sourdough. And then she went, it's what? No, I don't like it now.

Yeah. Lou's made a mistake. You didn't need to point that out. Josh, Lou's lips sink ships. I think Lou could hold her cards closer to her chest and she probably listened to this and give me shit, but that's, yes, that's the stage you're at at the moment with the white bread and I'm just a bit tired because I got they're waking up at half six and I'm doing this and other stuff today and then I've got a 12 showing south end tonight oh yeah so I'm gonna try and have I'm gonna have a try and have a nap in the car there yes yes but yeah so that's you're not driving yourself are you no no I'm driving myself on

Friday because I've got to go straight from something else but my tour managers get me tonight and Saturday. And I was late for school pick up yesterday and I got bothered, I got told off by an adult. What? Well the teacher. What did they say? Well so they have a late room thing where you can, they can, late room? So no the late rooms fine, basically they finish about 3.30 ish. I say the ish is one of the problems with you being late, Rob. If you're throwing it around. No, one finishes, no. So 3.30, both of them come out together,

but the younger one finishes at like 3.25. But what happens is they hold them back for the older sibling. So they both come out together. And what they do is you tell the kids, oh, I might be a bit late today, kids, so go to late room. And late room's fine. They're allowed to go there. It's free, it's loose, it's chilled.

And then you just basically can pick them up any point between 3.30 to 4.00. But then there's also an after school club that goes to like 5.30-ish for people that are- Ish. Who knows the times? Ish, 5.30 ish. It's the ish that's got me here.

So, but you have to put that in. I don't see how you've been late Rob, because you're so across the fact. Ish. I'm an ish guy. But the good thing is they told you off and now you're across the numbers. Absolutely, yeah. Really came over and learned from your mistake. So I went to, basically it was over traffic.

So I would, in my head I was like, I will get them at four, but actually I need to get them before four. So can I just ask a question about the late room? Do you have to like phone up and say, I'm late? And could you just use the late room every day? Yeah, you can. So you basically tell the kids and they tell the teacher, they go, is your parents getting you?

Or are you going late room? Or after school club, right? And after school club you have to pay and it's later and there's food, right? That's the dinner. But the late room is just a little bit of flex in case of traffic or trains. So what you should be doing is aiming for 3.30

and then if you are, no, bang on 3.30. No, no. No ish. And then if you are no bang on 330, no ish. And then if you are delayed 20 minutes, you arrive at 350 and they've kept them in it. So the kids are outside waiting. So I've got it wrong where I've gone in my head. What have you done wrong? Pick up at four, but actually four is over.

Run cold. You haven't given yourself any wiggle room. So I arrive at 4.01. Oh, come on. And I park and then I park in the teacher's car park, which isn't allowed. But I'm late. Okay, so at this point, I can't find any. So I pull in last second and I see some kids in the corner of my eye still waiting for

pickup and I run past them to try and find my youngest because I know which classroom she comes out of. But also I don't know where my daughter comes out of now because there's because that I think they should be heading to the late room. Well, the late rooms for the younger ones is their classroom for the slightly older ones. They sometimes go into like another room that I think so. I don't know where she says someone who's basically in charge of the late room, who's like, I want to go home at four. Absolutely. I cannot express to you how much they want to leave. Okay, this is, you know when you're eating in a restaurant and they've got the shutters down? There's fuck all-ish going on with them.

Oh, they don't fuck with the ish. Quite rightly. I'm wrong. Okay. So I pull up and also, right, I've been wearing a green tracksuit, matching green tracksuit, which is okay. They can't tell you off for that. It's about that green, right? Yes. That's a kind of, um, what is it? It's almost like a yoga trouser. I'd say. But I think they can't add that to the bollocking. They can go, teachers can't park in your light. They can't say also your tracksuit is out of order. You haven't heard the full outfit. You've got your knob out.

That with an Orlando Pirates jacket, which is like a football team in South Africa. But what I forgot about it is it's got a skull and crossbones in the back and on the arms are like bones. So if you do that, it looks like a Right. They can't say that's inappropriate. My hair was mental when I grabbed the nearest hat and I thought I'd just grabbed a black hat cap I didn't I grabbed a Super Mario World cap. That's alright. I look mental. Oh yeah yeah yeah but they can't. I think they can go what the fuck's he got on? If you saw me, if I turned up to a gig, you'd go, what the fuck are you doing?

Yeah. Yeah. You look mint. It almost is so too much. Why didn't you just, your hair, how mental does your hair go? Okay. We would take a photo of this for the gram, but I'm talking like, but can't you just plaster it down?

So like, it can go like, I'm talking like that. Yeah. Can you see? I mean, yeah, I have got a bit mad. Like, yeah, I'd say I'm gonna say that's preferable to the Super Mario hat. Yeah. And you know what? You're right. But I was up against the clock. Yeah. So I arrived. So I pull up, I can see kids in the know you're in trouble at this point. Like, is there a history that you'd get into trouble for this? Or is this- No, I'm more that I'm either the kids think

I've forgotten about them. Right, okay. So I run into the playground, my daughter stood there, and it's like something from a film where you're a bad dad in a rom-com. She stood there with the teacher, but it's 4.01, so I'm a bit like, okay, she's not terrible. And she's like, face act thunder, my youngest,

you forgot about me. And I would, well, if I forgot about you, it wouldn't be here. I remembered. I'm just like, you've got, you've got what you would describe as front foot. Yeah, I've gone very far for it. And the teacher went, sorry, like that. And then she's like, you forgot about me. You forgot about me twice. It starts bringing up another time I forgot about. I can't remember that. So I'm like, she's ironic that you can't remember it. Then she's walking slowly behind me. I'm not a point of anything. So she's more than I'm not nobody got to find it. We got to find your sister got finder. She's

gone to the car park pickup like you are. And I'm not listening to her. And I run around the corner to another bit. And there's no kids in there like that. And like what and then there's a netball game on and there's loads of parents coming by. I've forgotten to get a little laughing at me? I'm like, Oh, yeah. And I've got my Super Mario cap on. And also, I don't know any of the parents properly. So I'm like, I've got to be quite kind. Because I'm like, I want to go, Oh, yeah, whatever, mate.

But then I don't want to be like, that's so and so's mom. I'm like, Oh, fuck, I've got to deal with her at the PTA meeting. So then I run around. And then my youngest said, No, she's at the cafe. She's at the car, all right. So I've gone the wrong way. So now it's like 10 past, because I've been running around the school trying to find the classroom.

Then I see her walking around with this teacher. What happened to the first teacher? She was like, not that bothered, because she was still in her classroom and it was 401, so it wasn't the end of the world. She was like, oh, cheers, thanks. I went, sorry. She went, no worries.

Second teacher, I see, basically, because know one's turned up to the car park pickup and my daughter's seen me run past she was running. I've run past her so I could have grabbed her on time. And then I would have had both by 401. So that's 410. And then I've run and then she comes in and she went, you, you ignored me. You ignored me. You run past me dad. I went, oh, sorry, like that. And the teacher said, and the teacher said, it's four o'clock for late room and held up four digits. And I took my medicine, got told off. I was like, sorry, I don't, ish, traffic. And then I was like, and then my daughters were like, you forgot about us. I didn't think you were coming. And I'm like like oh my god because what I do

Rob I phone ahead if I'm panicking about time I like from the car I'll phone reception and I'll go I'm gonna be a bit late and then they're often doing a confession what don't know the school's number well I could give you I could give you I could give you an ish if you want. It's about, it's about, there's a six ish in there. An oh something ish. Oh something ish. I'm going to, do you know what, I'm going to get the school number now and put it in my phone.

Save it in your phone. Save it in your phone. Yeah. But I've never been late before. That's mad. That's the first time it's happened. Well, apparently she said I forgot what what they do sometimes is the kids and this fucks me off. Where it's like late rooms till like four as ish four bang on four no ish. Yeah, so it's like, I'll get my like 350. But because all the other kids have gone, they're like, you're late. Well, no, not late. This is just the time I could get here. And I told you it was late.

So just because they've got that, this isn't late. I just got, I've picked you up slightly later than you would like. But I literally couldn't, my train, that's where my train got in. Yeah. I'll be having this conversation with a seven-year-old and they don't give a shit. And they're quite right. They don't give a shit. I found this.

I found the number. Yeah. Save it. Call it and say, we'll be late this evening. I'll say, so I'm'm gonna be late tomorrow, yesterday. There we go, I'll just type that. All saved, all saved, it's fine. It's fine, it's not like we're doing a podcast

and you're saving a number that you can save at any time. It's not like your kid's been there for five years, you've never put the number in your, you know, I've got it, sorry. So that was what I was up to. Have I told you about the gray area with the timings at my daughter's school? No, go on.

So it starts at 9.30 right? Quite late that, innit? I know, but it's great. It's great now, I'm just saying though, if you've got to get into like an office job. Well it's got Breakfast Club obviously. What time does that start? 8. Yep, fair enough, I think you can get in there.

So Breakfast Club starts at eight. You can drop from 9.15 to 9.30. All our office hours now then, because it's all flexy bastard. When I worked in an office, there was a 8.30 start, a 9.00 a.m. start, and a 9.30 start, and then you would finish at 5.30. I was 9.30 to 5.30 when I did Dora the Explorer.

And what about when you was at work? It's good. Pedophilia, that's right. Cartoon pedophilia. For the eight hours Monday to Friday you were engaging in that. That was the joke. But you fucked a cartoon child. Eight hours a day. Five days a week.

While a monkey friend boots watched on. Dirty bastard. Dirty monkey cuck. Anyway, I was 9.30. So you can go Breakfast Club from 8am. Yeah, you can drop 9.15 to 9.30 in the playground. Yeah. But Breakfast Club finishes at nine. So if I was really early, say I got there at 8.45 for some reason, I'd just say, look, I'll pay the 8 quid for Breakfast Club because then I can go home now. So you could drop at 8 till 9.15? 8 till 9 for Breakfast Club. And then what happens in that 15 minutes? That's what I'm talking about.

There's a dead 15 minutes. Who's in charge of my child? Well, no, no, no. So breakfast clubs, they're still there. So they can... Breakfast clubs finishes at nine and all the kids who are in breakfast club go out to the playground.

Right. And that's fine. You don't need a pair. They can just wander through. Yeah, yeah. But then it's a 15 minute dead zone. So you can't drop off at nine So you can't drop off at nine. You can't drop off at night. Well, there's no breakfast club.

So you've only got a 15 minute window to drop off between quarter past and then you're late at half nine. Yeah. That's tight, man. What, 15 minutes? We're not working in the world of ish. What happened? No, I'm just saying there's a lot of people.

I don't know how big a school is, but there's a lot of people. Right, that makes sense. I'm just saying there's a lot of people to get in and out of a school in a 15 minute window. Do you know what I mean? But if it's a small school people I don't know how big a school is, but it's a lot of people. Right, that makes it I'm just saying there's a lot of people to get in and out of a school in a 15 minute window. Do you mean? But if it's a small school, that's fine. Yeah. So how how many? How big is your window? Now we're talking windows. Okay. So we got a lovely window. I'd say sash double fronted sash window window. So we have got

8am you can drop off. Is that breakfast club? No, that is just into the playground. Right. So and then they basically plan the... Is this good podcasting? I thought the monkey cup stuff was quite good. We're giving it a bit of flavour with the sash windows. We're dangling the old Prime Minister visit carrot for later on. Just to get these guys listed. 8 a.m. you can drop off and then they basically plan a playground

between 8 and 8.20 and then at 8.20 they go into their classrooms. But if you get there any later than 8.35, it's late and have to go through the office. Right. It's a lovely chunky window. Lovely chunky window. I think there is a breakfast club. I think maybe because we're a bit further out of London, that it starts earlier because they know people got the train

into London. They got into London because that's where everything happens. Because once you drop off at nine, you've only got to get three buses and a tube and you're... Oxidary. Rob. Before you're like bang, you're in town. Anyway, anyway, anyway, can I tell you about it's difficult Rob with teaching, it's much

more difficult teaching a boy to wee than a girl. We're still having problems, right? We're trying to convert to stand up we's. So I've seen you can buy you rhinals you stick on the wall that they could be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he's gone to the toilet. So it's like is so let me let me tell you about something that happened to me the other day. Boys to we then is it because the girls just sit down and it happens. Yeah. So he that we've gone through various things. Well, let me first tell you your phone. Your thing is making that. I'm sorry. I don't know if that's yours or my that needs to remember you used to do that. We're like, yeah.

And when in French lessons, yeah. But he used to be really bad on tape deck. Did it? I don't know. Michael and I, if I charge my phone next to my radio, yeah, the radio reception stops working. What the fuck's going on? What? How does a father? What does happen? Right? How does Wi Fi work? Yeah, I don't know. To be honest, let's take it back. How does radio work? More metal. They're just picking it up on a piece of metal. So suddenly I can listen to Scott Mills.

And yet, there's just two bits of metal in the air and electricity and I can hear Scott Mills' favorite Kylie song whenever I want. I just don't know how it works. I don't even do I and yet people say, you know, that everything can be explained. Tell me that the fuck am I listening to Scott Mills? He's he's four and a half miles away. When I was I'm not with 40s but like when I see people like 85 90 trying to work QR codes in restaurants. I'm like these poor bastards what they've got My friend, you know Phil Kerr comedy writer. Yeah Great man. Great very one of the funniest people I know I went to Paris with him for two weeks

Yes, he worked on the last leg didn't he does steps go dating which is coming back. We do that together Anyway, he put his phone on a radiator just because it was the nearest thing at his nan's house and put it on the radiator And it wasn't on the radiator just left it there on the so we wasn't on the floor and his band went is that you charge it? Just heat but then why not? Why not? If we're getting Scott Mills on metal. We're getting Scott Mills on a piece of fucking metal. And we're fine with that, are we? Yeah.

We're all going, that's normal. I think that's more mental than Katy Perry with a Daisy in space. She's just gone up high, that makes, I get that. Yeah. Rockets. Scott Mills is blowing minds every fucking morning. in space she's just gone up high that makes I get that yeah rock it Scott Mills is blowing mines every fucking morning Katy Perry I get that she's a big rocket straight up firework night literally fireworks yeah and she straight up up for a bit parachute down yeah a couple

of people in the pod Bosch yeah get that I understand that power acceleration. Boom. Scott Mills on metal still always will blow my mind. Radio. Oh, hang on. You don't want that. Twiddle this. Chris Morse. Twiddle that. Vernon K. Not on the same song later on. You get the point. Yeah. Took a while to find him. Dave Berry just running out of. Yeah. Nick Grimshaw. Yeah. Who's the one? Greg James. Jordan North. Jordan North. The eight most tired people in the world.

LAUGHS Um, so... Sorry, go on. I was at the park. Right. Oh yeah, did I tell you that this was a dessert? What were we talking about before we went on stage? Pissing.

This is still pissing. Oh, pissing. Your son's pissing, yeah. So inset day on Tuesday. Oh yeah. After Easter holiday. Easter dropped the ball this year. What the fuck? It's too late.

Put it in the middle of the break. I've only got four and a half weeks until fucking half-term. I swear kids just don't go to school anymore. It's mental. Four and a half weeks to a half term. And then we got half term and then it's Christmas, summer holidays. Yeah, Christmas, summer holidays. So he needs a wee. Yeah. Goes behind the tree. I'll take him behind the tree. There's no toilet here because it's just the light,

the parkland out the back of our, Oh my God. I saw a car chase yesterday. It was fucking thrilling. But how much of it did you see? Cause sorry. I was walking down the road and I like about 50 yards from my house, if and but a roundabout there's like a roundabout with four exits yeah and I heard screeching tires and the guy came up and he talked me through the cars and what two cars I want the detail what we're dealing with I don't know about cars just like a black car okay cool carry Yeah. And then and then the second vehicle, a police bike. Oh, yeah.

Like undercover one or black or like the yellow one with like, yeah. And then so he comes screeching around. If you imagine this is a roundabout, yeah, that circle I'm holding on. Yeah. Yeah. He comes onto the roundabout and rather than going all the way around and up here, he cuts the corner anti-clockwise and zooms past me up the roundabout. The policeman fucking nerds does the roundabout the normal way. Oh, grow up, you fucking virgin. That's the point of being in the police if you can't do whatever the fuck you want. But the car that was driving past me was so close to me that I could see his expression.

The guy that was being chased. Oh, that's amazing. And he took me through the guy. A young guy, dark hair, a look on his face of utter fear and panic. I see one male. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know what even that is. That's what they say on the bill.

Just going to double check. I've not said something bad. What have I said? Yeah, white European, perfect cracker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what Rob? How many ICs does it go up to? IC2 dark skinned European. IC3 is black African Caribbean.

Is this good podcasting? No. IC4 stops there. But that's the only three people there are. The only three people there are. Good to know. White European, dark European, black and African, absolutely no one else in the world. Anyway, the fear in his face was unbelievable.

Oh no, actually I've got the more ICs here. IC4 is Asian, Indian, Pakistani, Bangladeshi. IC5, Oriental, is that allowed? Japanese, Chinese, Malaysian, I think AI might have gone racist there. IC6, Arabic, ICO or IC7, unknown. Unknown. There we go, IC7. So this guy was IC7. IC7, IC seven unknown unknown. There we go. So this guy was IC seven.

I see seven. I see seven. I know. But the look of fear on his face and then he went down the road. And then before I knew it, I was in fear or excitement. Fear. Right.

I reckon 10 police cars came past and then within two minutes, helicopter in the sky. No. Yeah. That's good. Incredible. How they scramble those helicopters so quickly. Fair play to them. Within two minutes, helicopter in the sky. No! Yeah, fucking incredible. How they scramble those helicopters so quickly, fair play to them. Loved it. Loved it.

And everyone was out of the shops watching. It was fucking brilliant. So obviously as well, you could get the rest of the cars coming back, coming behind the motorbike. Yeah. Oh, from different directions, because they'd all been scrambled. I'm going to say it again. Why not? Why not? Apart from an egg, we never get to use the word scrambled. We never get

to use the word fucking scrambled. Or if someone throws all their pogs up in the air in year six. Remember pogs? Scramble! Of course I remember pogs. Anyway. I'm going to order some pogs. I was talking about pissing. Oh yeah, go on. So I took my son behind the tree and you're always like, I don't know whether I should do this. So I've just Googled Pogs. Let me get out of here. Let me concentrate. We've already had you reading out the ICs.

Let's not have you reading out the Pogs. I'm definitely going to buy some Pogs. Oh yeah. Fucking hell! 7, 1995 full set, 70 out of 70 to 300 quid. Oh my god, they're bringing back memories. I remember all these Pogs. I used to have the footballer ones.

You could play a game, couldn't you, with the Pogs? You could stack them up and you set them up. You'd stack them up and then there was a big plastic Pog that you'd whack on top of them and any that turned over you got to keep. It was basically an extreme form of gambling. I can actually feel them in my hand. If I close my eyes, I can feel them stacked up in my palm. Yeah.

Wow. I'm gonna buy some fucking Pogs after this, and I'm buzzing for it. Do you want a game of Pogs one day? No. Conkers? Yeah, I'll play Pogs. I'll play Pogs.

I'll be. You're gonna get your own set. I'll play Pogs. I'll play Pogs. I'll play Pogs. You're gonna get your own set. I'll play Pogs with you, David. LAUGHTER Sorry, pissive. I have to get my own set. Let's just make sure... Let's just make sure after this, Rob,

we're not caught in a bidding war against each other on eBay. Right, OK, whatever you bid for, let's just... And I'll need to get in quick before there's a big fucking rush on with listeners buying nostalgia Pogs. Yeah, exactly. I don't want to be in a bidding war with our own listeners. These little fucking Poggy bastards. I need to try and find the ones that I had as a kid though.

Oh, the PogTube. Remember the blue tube you got? No. 46 Waddington Pogs. Series 2, Milk Cab V vintage, container, near mint. I'll be the judge of that. Near mint is, that's very much turn up at 4pm ish, isn't it? Near mint, yeah. If mint is covered in kids piss and shit from 50 years ago.

Well. Talk about your kid pissing and we'll talk about Keir Star. Okay, I'll leave the thing up and then I'll send you the, I don't know what sentence. Oh my God, that's amazing. We'll talk about your kid pissing and then we'll talk about Kirstelma. So nice sunny day, Rob. Take my son behind the tree.

I'm thinking, I think I could get away with having a piss here. It's fine, he's four, he's three, so you know. Yeah. Take his trousers down, put my hand down to, for balance. Yeah. Totally wet piece of grass. I'm not the first to take someone for a piss behind that tree.

Yeah, of course, because you're looking as a dad, where is piss corner at this park? Yeah, exactly. And you find the same piss corner as someone else looking for piss corner. Exactly, Rob. I can see it on the tree and I can see I've put my hand I'm hoping it's a child's piss Well, make sure we don't have a game of Pogs there because it we Would you have would you have gone home or would you have stayed out? Well, if I pushed my hands in someone else's piss, yeah

I'd I'd have to wash it if there was a place to wash it in the park I'd wash it in the park But I think I probably would go home. Because I had to stay out. Because we'd only just got there. We were killing time. So how did you wash your hand? I wait, we were going for lunch and I just had to wait until we got to the cafe. But you didn't use that hand then? No, I just like, like I'd almost got a kind of dead hand.

Do you know what I mean? Like just kind of... Anything to stay on last leg you? almost got a kind of dead hand. Like, do you know what I mean? Like just kind of. Anything to spare last leg you. I just had a pissy hand away from everything else. Oh God, yeah. So how long did you have your pissy hand for? 45 minutes. I just sort of go, right, we need to find this pub.

Or is there not a pub? We can't dip it in the lake. What, dip it in the lake? Isn't there a little lake at the pub? I'm not kidding Arthur. No, no, it was just this, there's not a little lake. No no it was just this there's not we weren't in Victoria Park. Do you know what I would have been tempted to do? Piss on my own hand. Piss on your own hand? Two wrongs make a right. Oh no but I would have brushed off their piss and I'd

know that my it's only my piss. Yeah I don't really mind about my own piss. Yeah so I would have I don't think I would have but I would have thought would it be more hygiene to piss on my own hand? Yeah, I don't know. Or get your son to piss on it. Yeah, anyway, he's having problems with getting the hang. So he gets it right nine times out of 10. But occasionally he'll just like, we stood up and then it'll go on his trousers. With a boy what I'll do is trousers and pants down, I imagine.

And then I'd put the back of my hands, one on the calves, one on the chest, and lift him up and hold him almost like a ironing board face down so he could just piss immediately on the floor and just hold him like that. Well, what I'd do is I'd go, trousers and pants off. Because he doesn't wear them, so he doesn't wear on them. Yeah, so you're fine. It's a bit logistical. Yeah, I would just keep them at the ankles and then twist and hold like he was levitating and pissing.

It's also very difficult teaching him to do a sit down way. So his his stance for sit down way Rob. Yeah, is I would describe it to get the angle he basically has a piss as if he was in the brace position on an aeroplane that's crashing. I want to try and put it so he'll properly be down like that. He basically has a piss as if he was in the brace position on an aeroplane that's crashing. I want to try and put you there. So he'll properly be down like that. Right.

Or he'll really look like he's being swallowed by the toilet. Is it working? Nine times out of ten. It's just hard pissing when you're little, isn't it? It's just hard pissing when you're small with a dick. What about your son? It's really difficult. Oh, that's a bit of fun. It's a shame. It's a shame. And what about your son? It's really difficult.

Oh, that's a bit of fun. It's a shame. It's a shame really, isn't it? Yeah. It's horrible, that. So tell me about Keir Starmer. Oh yeah, so we got invited to Downing Street for St. George's Day celebration. So there's a speech from the England rugby captain, he's a nice guy.

Yeah. And then Keir Starmer did a speech about basically it was about like trying to enjoy and celebrate St. George's Day and it not be- Was there a load of old football shirts? Yeah, so they had a load of England, old England shirts there with classic football shirts and stuff. So yeah, so it's just a fight to come down a little bit of speech about the about, you know, being able to celebrate and be proud of being

English without the connotations of it being used is sometimes the flag to use by horrible people. I was like, well, I don't know whether to go or not, whatever, because I'm not very political, but I don't really know enough about politics, but I thought this isn't really about politics. It's more just a drink to do and a celebration. Why not experience something fun?

Well, exactly, and just I thought, if you get invited to Downing Street, you've got to go just for a nose about. So we went there and then they had loads of like English wine and English drinks and English food. There was like, there was giving out these I love pork pie stickers. And I was like, I don't really want to wear that much. I like pork pies, but I don't want to be photographed at Downing Street with I love pork pie. It's a bit on the nose. I just felt like I'm gonna be on Have I Got News for you. I love Popeye sticker on doing the fucking caption and stuff. So yeah, anyway, and then

we got to meet Keir Starmer. Me and Lou met Keir Starmer. It was basically was me. It was quite basic. It was me, Gary Lineker, Keir Starmer and the classic football shirts looking through these classic football shirts. Yeah, it's a bit semi. It's always like, was that set up? or did you all gravitate towards that bit? We were all there anyway. And then there was like, oh, they've got some ones they want to show you specifically. So then the classic football shirts guy spoke us through them all

because they had loads of Arsenal shirts and we obviously kissed, I was an Arsenal fan and then Gary Lineker was there and they had one of Gary Lineker's match worn shirts. But the one he wore, which did a shit on the pitch. No. I felt sorry for Gary Lineker was there and they had one of Gary Lineker's match worn shirts But the one he wore, which one? No I felt sorry for Gary Lineker because he goes like we've got one of your match worn shirts And I go alright he was like and this was the so-and-so game Yeah, but you see Gary just sort of glaze over suddenly

Oh come on guys, we get it I get it Come on I've moved on But yeah, so we just had a chat about it so it's a bit surreal because it is a bit Yeah, and how long did it last? well, it's there for about, well, the whole thing was about an hour and a half the event and there was speeches and food and Drinks and you could just see down in streets. It's mad going in there. It's like so what's it like inside? It's like being on a film set. So it's like it felt like being in Paddington

You know like them British films Mary Poppins Paddington where it's like a proper old English house And it's weird some of it is like like gold leaf very stately that's been there hundreds of years. Is it massive? It's like a rabbit warren of loads of different. Yeah. It looks like one sort of like terraced house, but it's not, it's sort of built across.

Yeah. And it's like a rabbit warren of stuff. But what's weird is like, you go in and there's this like incredible old, like Lou nearly knocked a painting off that was from like 1605 and all this. And then what was quite funny, they had all the pictures, the portraits of the prime ministers up the wall. But it's so funny, though, because they're sort of running out of space because there was a flurry of like, Liz Truss, Theresa May,

Boris Rish, all up there. And then what's weird is, so you get these like, beautiful old rooms, and it's partly just like a shitty old nan house, because it's obviously so old. And then what's weird is, so you get these like, beautiful old rooms, and it's partly just like a shitty old nan house, because it's obviously so old. And then you go to toilet and it's like, a brand new, sort of like massive, accessible toilet that you'd find a brand new like health, like, Leisure Center. David Lloyd. Yeah, but like a David Lloyd disabled toilet. And I was like,

it's a bit weird. And then, yeah, but it's a bit awkward. I've never really met Gary Lincoln before, probably. but like a David Lloyd disabled toilet. And I was like, it's a bit weird. Um, and then, uh, yeah, but it's a bit awkward. I mean, just like, I've never really met Gary Lincoln before properly. We had a quick chat about podcast and Kier Starmer come in and then he's talking about football and stuff. But then, um, they were like, um, Gary, let me just go now. Where are all the Tottenham shirts? Where are the Tottenham shirts? And I went, are they only come out on a Thursday night? Oh, that's fun.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that got a lot for, for, I can be quiet for a bit now. I've got a lot of just observe this mad fucking life of me at the prime minister of Gary Lineker looking at football shirts. What the fuck am I doing? What am I doing? The guy from classic football shirts? What's he doing? Like Ellis Platten. I think he's a youtuber guy who works with crack so the people that own classic football shirts two of them then him who does their YouTube videos and bless him because he messaged me when are you going to down the street I was like yeah and I didn't know you never people that Tony Adams was there yeah was he not interested in the football shirts he was

wearing a bright red suit of course he was have a day off Tony and the Clive Tildesley was there the comment commentator, quite randomly. Ross Kemp. And then it was loads of MPs and loads of constituents and charity workers and people. So everyone was like a football fan. Not really. No, there's a few football people there because they're trying to like, you know, they're leaning into aspects of England. So football, the food, the drink. And was Kemp interested in the football shirt? Kemp, I didn't see Kemp, I just got told he was there.

Stayed for an hour, said hello to a few people, and then had a photo at the door and then went home. Lovely. Quite a surreal evening. But yeah, I'm glad I went, just out of curiosity. The maddest thing is how I found out about it. Wow. Because I follow Keir Starmer on Instagram.

Yeah. So it didn't come up on your Instagram. It came up on his. Yeah. I was like, Jesus Christ, Keir Starmer just tweeted a picture of himself with Rob Beggart. He's not tweeted, posted a picture of himself with Rob Beggart. But what I liked about it was the one of you and Gary Lineker. Yeah. I don't know if Kissed, I don't imagine he is in charge of his own Instagram. Yeah. But like, whoever is in charge has decided that the one with you and Gary Lineker is the first picture.

Oh, yeah. That's the most important photo of the night is I met fucking Rob Beckett and Gary Lineker. Honestly, I was walking over to him and I was like so bit like, I used to do the pub opposite the Downing Street with that, you know, is it Clara? You know Clara? The Red Lion? Yeah, that pub, there was that gig downstairs.

Yeah. Do you ever do that gig? I think so, yeah. Tiny little gig, used to gig for eight people. We had a drink in there before and then like been invited to Downing Street. It's sort of mad. But yeah, I'm glad I went there just out of like, yeah, and it does. Yeah, interesting to see. I must be it must be a fucking huge relief mustn't it when you're a prime minister and for 10 minutes

you get to look at some football shirts with a comedian and Gary Lineker. Well, I did. Can we fucking go bed time off? I gave him a bit of banter, but I don't think he acknowledged it or was aware it was banter. Because he was like, yeah, I was looking at old shirts and he kissed, because he's a bit for you obviously a bit older than me. He was looking at the shirts and he was like, oh yeah, because you know, these ones, I remember these ones and it was like the really old shirts, right? Not like the Omri ones, like really, I didn't even know who or what. Yeah, Charlie George.

Or like, yeah, I remember, you know, I remember seeing, and it was right to say an old player, I remember seeing, Herbert Chapman. Now say an old player, I remember seeing Herbert Chapman. And now Herbert Chapman sort of like started like... 1920s. 1920s, yeah. It's a bit of a funny story, just looks a bit confusing, carried on. But he must be, he literally, he's just moved around a room where he has to talk to everyone and not only talk to everyone, be charming, be like taking it in.

Because then he'll jump between like talking to me about football shirts and then then he's talking to like someone who's set up a charity for their child that died. Then he's talking to someone about a pork pies. Then it's talking to someone about the importance of Morris dancing. Did he, did he wear, he presumably didn't wear the sticker because that would be. Oh yeah. No, it was in full Euro 96 kit. Shim pads. No, he didn't have the sticker. Did he talk to Tony Adams? Yeah, I spoke to Tony Adams as well. He was, yeah, he's a nice guy. I like Tony Adams.

I was like, oh yeah, he was behind me in the queue to get in and I was like, oh, have you been here before? And he was like, yeah, a few times. I was like, all right, fair enough. All right. Okay. Tony, fuck. Okay, Tony. Okay. But now he's like, he's mad. I don't know, it's just a bit of a surreal night. You know, I've got on my foot, you know, grow up watching Tony Adams. Yeah. And did you just go home? Yeah, just went home. And then got my next day to the kids school and then got told off by the teacher for being late. Bet you weren't fucking late to Downing Street. No, sort of embarrassingly early actually, just in case. Because it was only an hour and a half. You don't want to miss it.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was interesting. It's a fun night. If you get the chance to go, I'd recommend it. Did you feel like Noel Gallagher when he went to Tony Blair? I was worried it was going to be full of random semi-famous people, influencers and all stuff like that. But actually, the messaging was, Down the street belongs to the country and belongs to the people. And he wants as many people to come in and see it and experience it and understand that it's theirs that they own, that he just works from. And it isn't this private place that the rest of the country can't access. So he

that their whole thing is being like transparent and open door of like, come in, you know, stuff like that. Yeah. So it was, it was quite relaxed, actually. It was just like a yeah, quite weird. But yeah, so that was a weird week. Yeah, amazing. Big week down the street and the banning of white bread in the house. Too right. My kid was so angry this morning, I actually thought she needs a coffee.

Lou? No, one of my daughters. But I was like looking at her, she's seven, I'm like, do you know what she needs? She needs a coffee. I can't stop leaving her coffee. But I was like, she looks like how I feel now, but when I have my coffee I won't feel like that anymore. So I feel sorry for her.

Yes. I don't think it's a good idea. I think that might solve the problem in a short term, but in the long term. Yeah, I agree. When your daughter crashes at 11am at school. Yeah, crying. Small business? Why not? Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. The Labour Party. We are a... Hi, Rob and Josh. Popeyes. Hi, Robin Josh. I absolutely love the pod. And I've been listening from the start. I love to shout out my small business face candy,

specializing in facials and skincare. I'm sorry, I'm based in Westwick and Bromley. Oh, for fuck's sake. I picked it at random. there's just a lot. I have renovated my shed and worked for my cozy facial room, offering a wide range of facials and relaxing pampering facials to anti-aging ones. I'm leaving my office job in two weeks after 10 years to take the business full time. So I would appreciate a shout out

as I would love to build up my client base. My Instagram is facecandy underscore skincare. Love you both and Josh. I'm coming to see you in 2026. Sarah Bromley. Good luck Sarah. Good luck. Face candy.

That is F A C E C A N D Y. Yeah. When you're doing Bromley I'll come. I've got no idea. If I'm not, if there's not a good football match on I'll be there. Unbelievable. Hello Rob, Josh and Michael. My lovely partner is a self employed fee free mortgage

broker based along the South Coast. She specialises in mortgage advice for the LGBTQ plus community and creative freelancers. She's been part of both communities for over 10 years and understands the difficulties sometimes faced by these communities when looking for mortgage advice. Mortgage advice to be a safe space without discrimination where you receive the best most accurate advice tell us specifically to your understandings. This is a tough Instagram Rob. You'll find

her at EL underscore dot yes. EL underscore dot yes on Instagram. Stay section relatable. Hillary. Hillary! There we go. There we go Rob, we'll be back on Friday. See you on Friday Josh. Bye. ["The Star-Spangled Banner"]