Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S10 EP3: Parenting Hell Mixtape

Episode Date: March 4, 2025

Here's a hand crafted selection of the finest tales and advice from the Parenting Hell podcast archives. Each one a guaranteed banger... TRACK LISTING: ELLIS JAMES Kicking things off, Ellis James reveals how his son’s early wake ups miraculously disappeared... only to return.  ABBEY CLANCEY Next up, Abbey Clancy describes the mayhem and mishaps in her jam-packed household… IAIN STIRLING The next highlight comes from Iain Stirling as he talks getting to grips with the early stages of parenting… HELEN RUSSELL Helen Russell discusses the delights of Danish living and the lengths she’ll go to for Danish pastries… BABATUNDE ALESHE Babtunde Aleshe discusses competitive children, the pleasures of countryside living, and his son’s unusual comfort habit… SAM QUEK Our penultimate clip features new mum Sam Quek revealing some of the strange requests she’s as an Olympian…  CHARLIE BAKER And finally, Charlie Baker, shares his perfect analogies for living with and parenting his teenage son…   If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. Hello, I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping.

And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and of course, tales of parenting woe. Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. At Desjardins, we speak business. We speak startup funding and comprehensive game plans. We've mastered made to measure growth and expansion advice. And we can talk your ear off about transferring your business when the time comes. Because at Desjardins business, we speak the same language you do business.

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For details, visit your Toronto area Ford store or Ford.ca. I think though, maybe Ellis, that you were considered the person that had had it hardest on this podcast. You almost became like an urban sort of folk legend of the podcast until we had you on. And then it was confirmed that you did have it quite bad the first time around. So I think we're intrigued to know how... I've just re-listened to your podcast, Ellis. Oh, yeah. You're getting up at 10 to five.

Yeah. Every morning. I think that my son has re-listened to that podcast because. How is it? Probably a month after we recorded that. It all clicked and he started started waking up at 7am. And I could honestly tell you it was like being on...

It just clicked overnight? Pretty much, yeah. It was like being on holiday. We had a very strange couple of days where he was waking up, must have been doing the school holidays or something because Betty's a late riser, my daughter, our daughter. So we don't set alarms because he was our alarm, Stefan, my now two-year-old son. And then there were a couple of weird days

where Betty wasn't at school, so he must have not been setting an alarm, must have been the weekend, where he was waking up like at half past eight and then at nine o'clock. And then at one day he woke up at half past nine, to the extent that we went in and checked on him. I thought, wow, this is amazing.

And then he settled down at about 7am. That's ideal for me. No problem at all. Wow. Over the last... Did you do anything? Well, over the last week... Oh no.

Oh no. Basically, you texted me five, six days ago, saying, do you fancy coming on Lockdown Parenting Hell again as a returning guest? I said, yeah, no problem. And he woke up at 6.50. You texted me five, six days ago, saying do you fancy coming on lockdown parenting hell again as a returning guest? I said, yeah, no problem. And he woke up at 6.50. I thought, yeah, I can handle that. And then it was 6.40.

Then at 6.30, I said, oh, this is great, isn't it? He's shaving off 10 minutes every morning. Then it was 6.20. This morning was 5.58. I thought you were a fucking bastard. I think what's happened is we are recording this in late March and I think what's happened is it's the light. It's now light in the morning. It's now light at about 6am. So when I go into his room, even though there's a blackout blind that is treated with a reverence that he would usually reserve

for the two-ring shroud. I mean, no wonder the Blitz was so bad, because if it constitutes a blackout blind now, with all the Kled technology, what the fuck was going on then? Did you know, Rob? Disco lights on the windows. That is such a cockney observation. 50 years before you were born.

You can't stop going on about the blitz. You don't know how hard we f***ed that up, boy. Every night it was, f***ing every night. I mean, they could get in Coventry in Liverpool, don't they, in Plymouth and Swansea? I mean, the East End in London where I grew up. Yes, they did, by accident accident they were aiming for us. Trappled to Bethnal Green and he was completely flattened by the bloody Germans. Anyway, so I think it's the light. I think the light is creeping in. So last night

I took such care over this black out blind, but it's still creeping in on the sides. And then there's a blind and then there's the curtains. The curtains are rubbish. Curtains are white. I don't know why we bothered with those curtains. White curtains. That basic value you can employ, wouldn't it? White with a picture of a, I don't know, of... Fucking unicorn or giraffe. Yeah. What's the multi-coloured elephant called? Elmer.

Elmer. Yes. Like Elmer curtains or something. I don't know. It's complete bullshit. But, um, so yeah, so I, I'm worried, I think it's cause the summer's on the way, but obviously the clocks go back on Saturday night. So six AM will become five AM. I mean, seven AM we, We had six, I really thought this was it. We had seven or eight months of that. And had anything, had you done anything? We did do sleep training. But is that what did it?

We did sleep training the first time and then he got ill. He had a really bad cold. This is pre-lockdown. And then because we had to go in and cuddle him and give him milk and stuff because he had this really bad cold, he kind of forgot all of the sleep training. So then we did sleep training again. Yeah, because I think the common cold does give memory loss. Because I basically learned Pythagoras had a cold and I couldn't tell you anything about angles now. I forgot how to write. I live in a big circle. It's like the roundhouse by us. I can handle it.

And then what happened the second time, it really clicked and he was sleeping through the night, but he was an early riser. And then his rising just became later and later. And then this was settled down at about between seven and quarter past seven. Great. But I think what's happened is now, cause he's two, he was two in January. So he was three months ago. I think we're now entering the zone of maybe dropping his afternoon nap because he still has quite a substantial afternoon nap which is also a ball aching itself because that's when I tend to do a lot of stuff when he's asleep. How long's he having a nap for? You what? How long's his nap? Oh I thought you said what's he having a nap for?

I thought you said, what's he having a nap for? Because he's too crazy. You what? You what, Rob? Lazy bastard. I thought you'd phrase the question in a really weird way. What's he having a nap for? Your baby's a bit tired, isn't he? Yeah, come on, do me a favour.

What's he drinking all that milk for? Rob's never met a kid. It's quite a weird podcast to do actually. I've made it all up. I'm a character act. He's winging it, but it's finally been explained. I'm rather trained. He's sort of based on his very fuzzy memories of his own childhood. First of all, can we remind the listeners of your setup at home with the kids? How many we got? We've got four kids. We've got three under five. Okay, so what of your setup at home with the kids? How many we got? We've got four kids. We've got three under five.

Okay, so what can you run us through the ages? Sophia is 10, Liberty's five, Johnny's three, and the gift from God is one. One. The gift from God. Oh, wow. The gift from God. And on top of this, you've been, you were texting me before this. It's quite stressful in your household because of the amount of animals you've got. Yeah, we've just got five little ducklings,

but only two of them have hatched at the moment. Yeah. And we've got two orphan lambs that were bottle feeding. And the last three kids are still bottle and dummy, so I'm not doing very well, really. So you've got three kids and two lambs all on the bottle at the same time. At least they're not all breastfeeding.

That'd be a nightmare. Good job lambs all on the bottle at the same time. At least they're not all breastfeeding, that'd be a nightmare. Good job you got them on the bottle. I've got no breasts so you can't have that. Do you live in the countryside then? No. Fair enough. Kind of. I think I'm just kind of trying to live the childhood I wanted through my own children. We were never allowed pets or anything like that.

So I just try and give them as many pets as I can. Have you got cats and dogs as well? Yeah, two cats. Two cats? Our cats are 15. Okay. We got them when me and Pete first got together. We've got our dog, Jeffrey, who we got in lockdown.

Okay. Lockdown dog. And we've got Lily and Lola, the lambs. Yep. And Jemima, the the duck which was hatched today and the other one hasn't got a name because he's literally just hatched and then the other three haven't hatched yet and we've got a great dane called Ringo who lives here part-time. Part-time? What's he doing with the rest of the time?

He's at my brother's house the rest of the time. So that's two dogs he just needs a little break sometimes, doesn't he? Yeah. Acting like he does. They're quite calm, Great Danes. It is a bit too much. But Pete's like, he didn't want any of these animals. And he absolutely loves them.

He like nurses the lamb as the lamb on his knee, feeding it with a bottle wrapped in a little blanket. He likes to play this cruel animal hater role, but he loves it. Yeah, but Abby, before, when we were setting up the sound, what did Peter say to you about bringing back another, another alive thing to the house? Well, he said if I actually bring one more living thing

into this house, he's gonna leave me. Okay, yeah, so you sure that he's into all these animals? Well, I'm trying to make him take the hint, that's why I keep getting them. Yeah, because when he was on, he was speaking about the time you were shouting from the background, because I asked him if he'd any parenting mishaps

and you were shouting, tell them about the farm, tell them about the farm. And he refused to tell us. So was the farm the house or was it at a farm? So the farm story, it was at an actual farm and I went to the toilet. I was gone for one second and I come back and he was just sitting there and I'm like, where's the baby?

Couldn't find the baby anywhere. So I was hysterical and he'd escaped out of the contained indoor play area and was like a mile down the road by lambs and a lake and everything. So I like battered Pete in front of everyone in the farm. I think I threw a cup of coffee on him. You know, it was a nightmare because I'm just so worried about anything happening to them. He's just far too late. He's just so laid back. It's a joke. Imagine the anecdote those people who've gone to the farm have got from that day. What did you see? Well, some sheep and I also saw Abby Clancy throw a coffee on Peter Crouch. Imagine the anecdote those people have gone to the farm have got from that day. Oh, I know.

What did you see? Well, some sheep and I also saw Abby Clancy throw a coffee on Peter Crouch. It was amazing. I threw the coffee out and punched him. It was like, I don't condone violence at all, but it was out of panic. Yes, I think you could be let off. Yeah, I was terrified. Yeah, he's just too laid back and he forgot the baby bag.

That's his favorite thing to do. So how's the sort of parenting split, obviously, because Peter, when he was playing football, was really busy. Now he's retired. He sort of does a bit of work, but not as busy as he was. And you're still modeling and presenting. What's the sort of, you know, divvying up of responsibilities? Is it more you than Peter?

That's what I'm getting from this. I think so, because I'm not working as much as Peter at the moment because my baby's only one. So I'm kind of enjoying just being at home with the kids. And when Pete goes to work, I just throw them at him. And he's like, I've been in work all day. And I'm like, tag, it's your day now. But Pete, I can't complain about Pete.

There's one thing he is, he's an amazing dad. Like all jokes aside, you know, no matter how hungover he is, how tired he is, he's still like 100% with the kids where I'm like normally dying somewhere. Oh, I can't do it if I'm hungover. I'm such a bad hungover parent. It's horrible, isn't it? It just like cuts me off drinking. I swear the drinks make kids get louder the next day.

I don't know what it is, but just something just sends them over the edge. And mine are all too young to just get on the couch and watch a movie. It's just like they're not movie age. You have to just play with them all day. Are you finished at four? Yeah. Is that sort of your sort of, like, if you sort of,

like, is your opium is getting off the heroin of kids? You're starting with farm animals. I was actually finished with three. Yeah. And then I found, like, I went for a fitting, and they were like, the girl's like, are you pregnant by any chance? She could tell by my body.

Really? That's how you found out? I was like, no chance. And then I did a test and called Pete and he was in the car with Glenn Johnson. I was like, Pete, I've got something to tell you. And he went, if you're about to say what I think you're about to say, just don't say it. And he had another two hours left until he got home and I was so scared. And then he got home and he was like, I've had time to think and it's okay.

Oh my god. So it was a complete surprise. It was a surprise. We hated each other at that point as well. So I don't even know how I got pregnant. To be quite honest, like the pregnancy with Johnny was hell. Johnny's your youngest, yeah? No, Johnny's the three-year-old. Okay, cool, yep. So I hated him, he hated me,

and I don't even know how it happened. That's why we call him the gift from God. But you know what, he's just wonderful. He's just fabulous, and he's just fitted in so well, and he's not one bit of trouble. So it's 8.15 PM at the moment. Are they in bed? They're all in bed, Josh. They're all in bed. We've got it down.

That's amazing. How have you done it? I was the first out of my friends to have my babies and I would always feel bad about letting them down for like an event or going around to theirs for dinner or whatever. And all my friends just bail, I can't do it. I've got the baby and they've got one. I'm like, you're so pathetic.

Paul and me and Pete laugh at people and go like, oh God, look at them moaning about one child or two children, we've got four. So we feel quite smug about that. But they're in bed now, Jack goes to sleep seven till seven, but Johnny and Lib are in our bed now. And then we'll have to get them out of our bed. Oh okay so what's the bedtime schedule then? Do you try and bath them all together or is

this a rota? They're all in the bath together. What time's that? I'm obsessed with people's schedules I know it's saying. So we eat early, we eat about half five. And do you and Peter eat at half five as well or is it just the kids? And that's it? Well, no, then we have like, Pete will bring me like a cup of tea and Bicky's in bed at like 10 and he'll have like toast or whatever, or a pot noodle, which makes me sick. Oh God. Pot noodle in bed?

No, not in bed, before bed. All right. And I can't get my head around an athlete that would, even though they know all about nutrition, he's still banging back a pot noodle. Yeah, he loves them artificial ready meal things, like a Rizzler's, is it called like a Rizzler's burger or whatever? Oh, no. Rustlers.

Rustlers, yeah. Oh, they're awful. Anything like that, he loves. I think it's because he's been so deprived his whole life being an athlete and having to eat so well. Yeah. He's like kind of binging on junk. So they all get in the bath together in one go. So they all get in the bath together. Then I try and keep them in there as long as possible.

Like waste some time. And then out about half six and Joe Armies then we play run catch before bed. So that's where they just like run on the landing and we have to catch them. And then put them into bed. So that lasts about half an hour. Then Jack goes down and then Liberty and Johnny go in our bed.

Yeah. Our kids aren't like big for stories, you know, we try and do that whole story thing and go to bed, but they don't want it. So we just put like something on for 10 minutes, then they fall asleep. And then we put them in their bed. And then when we go to bed about half an hour later, Johnny comes in with us. He sleeps there all night. And then we've got a single mattress

on the floor next to our bed where Liberty sleeps. Really? Yeah. And then Liberty gets out of the single bed and in our bed. And then Pete goes on the single mattress on the floor. But every night, like clockwork, wow. What a setup. That's amazing.

They're so good, but there's just too many of them. You know, we have to kind of bend the rules a bit. You know, the schedules just don't, the routines are just, we've got our own little routine going on and it works. Have you been on your own with the baby yet? Or Laura been on her own with the baby? Like have you had sole charge of the baby yet, Ian?

I've had, well again, because of the whole breastfeeding situ, Yeah. I can get, I once looked after the baby for three hours. Okay. It was a fabulous time. You put her in that bouncy chair thing. Have you got one of them?

A bouncy chair? Oh, not the one on the door. I was like, she's a bit young for that Ian. No, no, no. I read it'll be all over the gap. Come on. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. The Bjorn Borg one, is it? Bj head, it'll be all over the gap. Come on. No, no, no. Be a Bjorn Borg one, is it?

Bjorn, not Bjorn Borg. It's not a Bjorn Borg, what is it? Baby Bjorn. Baby Bjorn. But we've gone maxi cozy. Oh, classic. You can't go wrong with a cozy maxi maxi cozy, can you? No, so I put her in that.

That was, and then you could just sort of, and I've also worked out how to, you put them in the pram. Yep. And then you can put your feet on the back two wheels and sort of get a sort of left to right motion. I've got for an entire half of football with them in there. Ah.

A little rocking. Little bit of rocking. Love movement. I used to love take, they do love moving. I used to love taking them for walks and listening to podcasts. Cause the fresh air keeps them quiet and stuff. It's so counterintuitive, isn't it?

Like you just think, don't move them, don't make any noise. And they actually love a bit of noise and they love a bit of a... Yeah. Sometimes when our baby starts crying, we go from the pavement until, like, we go off-road until, like, the grass, she's out like a light. Off-road! We off-road it.

Can I just check, you mean in the pram, not when you're driving, right? Oh, yeah, no, no, I'm not like Colin McRae rallying at about. How do you feel about, I was very nervous changing them when they're that small, and obviously I did it and I did the nappies and put them in different clothes, but like, Lou would love like getting them in,

oh let's put them in that outfit. I was like, they're in an outfit, let's not risk it again, that army's so little. I found it so odd. I'm quite good at nappies. I'm very good at socks. I'm all right at trousers. I fall apart. It's anything that has to go over their head

and put their arms in. I'm like, I am going to pull, I'm going to dislocate their shoulder. Yeah, I don't know how- You're going to hold up like a turkey drumstick, like, oh no, I've pulled too hard. That's exactly that. I don't know how people do it.

My main fear was the soft bit on top of the head. Yeah, it's like an avocado, it's rank. Support the neck. You are in peak support the neck territory. And then that's all we do. We sort of ruin the fun of anyone else. Obviously, COVID is very rarely happens. Anyone else that holds our baby just gets,

support the neck! Yeah, but some people don't, do they? And even parents of other kids, you know, they pick them up, their heads start rolling around like a bowling ball, and you're like, what are they doing? I hate someone that's got... I mean, hate. No, do you know what? Fuck it, I hate. People that have got like six, seven year olds,

so they think there's still no babies and they've completely forgotten everything everything and they pick up your kid like it's an IKEA shopping bag. And they just think they're, they know, I'm like you're six, at least if they're like, if your kid's like 10, 11, they're like, oh, I've not done this for a while. And they take some advice. The owner of a five year old throws your kid about like, like a bowling ball. Have you had many visitors Ian? We've had the old um six people in the garden that was nice and one of the couples expect and then one of the couples has got a two-year-old so it's this nice sort of like rites of passage moment and all the all the dads had a little beer in the garden discussed

where they were at which is really nice and I've noticed every parent says to me because we're like oh it's all right, apart from the sleep, it's actually not too bad. It's really like, she's just such a brilliant baby. And like, you know what I mean? You think they're so beautiful and they have such a lovely time. You know, it's not as bad as I thought.

And they're like, wait till this, everyone's like, wait till they start moving. Yeah, I know, but you've got, everyone is so pessimistic and it is a bit harder when they're running about, but you can't live in fear like that. If they're good at the moment, just blank that out. You'll always find some miserable bastard and then they'll be like, oh, I think they're alright. Or you wait till they start school and then they start school and it's fine. Or wait till

they're a teenager. Why don't you fuck off? I can't wait for you to shut your mouth, mate. You're not helping. My kid's fine. Give me a break. Well, you know what it is? No one ever wants to hear that someone else is having a good to shut your mouth, mate. You're not helping, my kid's fine. Give me a break. Yeah, it's mad. Well, you know what it is? It's no one ever wants to hear that someone else is having a good time with their children. Yeah, that's the problem. No one wants that.

But I find, honestly, I find that ours, we've been absolutely, I think we've been really lucky. They took the boob really well and took the bottle really well. And I think that's a big, those are the two big ones, aren't they? Yeah. When they're small. And then sleep, none of them sleep. No, that's the two, those are the two big ones, aren't they, when they're small? And then sleep, none of them sleep.

No, that's the thing. I think as well, it depends how stressful, like what else is going on at the time. But if it's, you know, I think you get in a role, if it's going quite well, it sort of carries on going well. But like out of your friendship group, are you one of the last ones to have kids, or one of the first, or about the middle?

Because it's, you know, I think you get in a role, if it's going quite well, it sort of carries on going well. But like out of your friendship group, are you one of the last ones to have kids or one of the first or about the middle? Cause it does change. Like I had groups of friends that I just stopped seeing when they didn't have kids.

And then now they started having kids, you see them more. But have you found that with your friendship groups and stuff? I find, and a lot of people I know agree... Notice this. My friends from back home, I'm sort of the last one. They're all babied up. Two, three, you name it.

Little house outside, slow cooker chat, all that, the whole shebang, right? How old are you, Ian? I'm 33 years old. Which is like, you know, that's like 50 in Scotland, isn't it? 33. I'm nearly done, mate. People say things like this, iPhone's been in our generation,

been in our family for five generations. And so, Scotland, I'm quite far, not far behind, but I'm the back end of the curve. And then London, my mates, some of whom are older than me, look at me with my baby, like I am an absolute maniac and you can't believe I've made this decision and why am I not waiting till I'm 50 like everyone else?

But there'll be the 45 year old on a skateboard in Finsbury Park with a two year old going, that's the one thing when you have a baby, I'm like with the sleep and all that, I'm like, I don't think I'd be able to like, I mean, again, now I'm being negative. You absolutely could. If you're an older dad here, of course you can.

Maybe I just don't look after myself enough, but there is a thought of like doing night feeds when you're in your 40s or something, I'd be like, oh, I don't know if I'd manage it. Yeah, like get your back going as you get up, oh God, you know that. Trying to take your son to like five a size when you're like in your sixties.

Yeah. I mean, I'm 35 and I make a noise putting socks on. It's certainly going to get worse. Yeah, but Rob, let's be honest, you make a noise doing anything, don't you? So Denmark, population about five million. I checked. I didn't know that. I've watched a documentary on Lego.

Of course I have. I'm sure Rob has watched it as well. And they're based in like a small town that's just basically people who work at Lego, aren't they? Yeah, that's right. I live in the middle of nowhere. No, I'm not in the jazzy Copenhagen bit. It is the middle of nowhere in a place called rural Uland. And yes, there's not that much going on. I mean, we're very excited, like post COVID, the big four are open again,

and the big four are Legoland, Lego House, this place called Wow Park and the Zoo. I mean, there's very little to do. Wow Park sounds amazing. I mean, you're really setting your stall out if it's just the ferris wheel, isn't it? I know, the arrogance. Yeah, wow, that's not very Danish, is it?

Wow Park. It's true. And how old are your children now? Sorry, we didn't get their ages. Yes, I have, I have a little ginger child who no one knows where the ginger hair came from. But he is seven now and my twins are just turned four. So we are busy. Oh, blimey. That is a busy house. Oh, yeah. So it's fairly recently then you wrote the book. And you've had about four since you've absolutely you're banging out books Is that the right of children at the moment?

Well, there was a stage where I would just writing a book every time I had a baby and then I thought well I want to write another baby like how am I gonna do this? But I think um, well cuz I have to be freelancers because my Danish is still terrible And working as a journalist, I was a Scandinavia correspondent for the Guardian for a while But actually it's quite hard to react to news stories. I'd be asked, can I go and cover a bomb going off in Sweden? And I'd be like, no, I've got a shepherd's pie in the oven. It's very hard to do that once you have a kid.

Books work quite well for that. So you moved over there, your Danish is now not brilliant, you say, but presumably you had no Danish when you moved over there, right? Would that be fair? No, no Danish, you say, but presumably you had no Danish when you moved over there, right? Would that be fair? No, no Danish, no friends, no family. I mean, it was quite a shocker. What's that like? Well, you just sort of, I don't often sort of take big risks with bravado, but I somehow agreed to move here. And then my husband left to go to work at 7.30 AM because the working

day starts at eight here and ends early as well. And I was just sort of in this bleak in the middle of nowhere in January and it was very much like the killing, just forests all around. I thought, what have I done? Yeah, so I think work was a real salvation there of just keeping busy. And that helped me meet people as well and like build up friends around here. Of course. And do you genuinely believe though that a slightly more relaxed way of life helped you get pregnant? Or do you think it was more or more luck? Or do you think it had an impact? Yeah, I definitely think it had an impact because there was, I'd been doing all of the things in London. I've been going to St Mary's Hospital and going to Tooting every week,

like three times a week I was having all these appointments whilst trying to fit it in around my really high powered job. Was that IVF? Yeah, yeah. And then here it was just a different pace of life. However, interestingly, for having the twins, it's very hard to relax enough to get pregnant when you already have a toddler. So that was IVF. The first one wasn't IVF, but the twins were IVF. When you got there, what were the main lifestyle changes? Because we talk about this more relaxed way of life, but that's kind of quite a nebulous

idea because all I know currently is that you go to work at 8am, which to me sounds much, much worse. Yes, this is true. But you finish at four. And actually, the average day electrician, the average day does 33 hours a week, which is, you know, so much less than I was used to doing in London. And they're quite, there's this more of a mentality of you're trusted to do your job, and then leave,

there's no presenteeism. And, you know, back in many jobs in London, you know, you're pat on the back if you're still at your desk at 7pm. That's not the case here. Somebody did it in Lego. They got a lecture on time management and a leaflet about efficiency. Oh, wow. They love a leaflet. Absolutely love a leaflet. Last stage of the working day, you leave. Yeah. There's much more of an emphasis on you have to leave at four o'clock because everybody works, 80% of mothers work. You have to pick your kids up from daycare. And, you know, the men and

the women tend to be involved in the pickup in making a home cooked meal. Food is very expensive. Eating out is really expensive. So even before Corona, most people are getting home to cook a family meal each night. So it's there's just more of an emphasis on doing your work, getting home, having a life, doing lots of hobbies as well. That's big in Denmark. Oh, wow. And how was it different? Obviously, when you didn't have kids and you were there, you were sort of alone. And I find having kids makes you sort of get into the local community more where, you know, when you're busy doing your own thing, you don't really notice. But

when you've got to find a place for them to learn to swim or to find a nursery and stuff, how was it having a baby in that environment? Was it different to how you sell your friends and families with kids in the UK? Yeah, yeah, for sure it is. And there's not really NCT type stuff. So I didn't have that ready made friendship group for for new parents. So I did have to go out there and I'm gonna shock you here Helen. It's not a it's not a friendship group. You are forced to be in a WhatsApp group with until you

all decide you don't like each other and never message again. So don't be sold this friendship group. There's a reason Danes are more happy and they haven't got NCT. That's the reason. Yeah. So, so there's a lot of that and there's a lot of sitting around in cafes and yeah, it's quite civilized. What I did find though is having twins and maybe you've had guests on before who similar experience,

that you can't actually get to many of the child-related activities because you can't get a double stroller anywhere. So I made some friends while I had one child, but when you have twins, it was impossible. Oh, just because of the space. I know, I think you can physically buy one, can't you? Or is it just not the space in that it's not-

I measured up. So the Danish pastries, that's another reason they're happier. The Danish pastries are amazing. And I measured up the doorway. I don't know if I believe you now. What? The Danish pastries sounds like you've never moved to Denmark and you're now winging it. They must have actual names to Danish pastries in Denmark, don't they?

Yeah, they're called Wienerpål. There we go, now we're talking. Give me more of these. Wienerpål. Wienerbrol, Viennese bread. And there's the Følsnapper, the Frogsna Pol. There we go, now we're talking, give me more of these. Wiener Pol. Wiener Pol, look, Viennese bread. And there's the Pol Snapper, the Frog Snapper. There's one called Baker's Bad Eye because it's got this creamy custard goo in the middle. Baker's Bad Eye? Yeah. Sounds like something horrific in Pol, the Baker's Bad Eye. Sorry to bring the tone down, everyone. So the double stroller, you measured it, there was no space?

I measured the doorway to my favorite bakery before I bought the stroller to check it could still fit in. That is commitment to pastry. Yeah, I was the winner. But I found that lots of the baby activities I just couldn't maneuver it in or I couldn't carry the babies upstairs both at the same time. So it's a shocker. So they would have been, you would have had a three year old and then the twins, would

that be right? Yeah, a very angry redheaded three year old, annoyed at having to share with two babies. My son's like a little gamer, so yeah. Oh is he? Is he into gaming already? Yeah, yeah, he's into gaming hard, real hard. So what's he playing? At the moment, I bought him a Switch, a Nintendo Switch, so he plays like your Mario World, your Mario Kart.

So is he good? Can you be good at it at that age? No, I mean, I beat him a lot and he cries. But I do it on purpose because like when he gets on my nerves, I'm just like, oh yeah, should we play Mario Kart? And he's like, yeah. And then I thrash him. And the funniest thing is, he watches me totally thrash him every single level,

and he'll wait until the trophy's presented to me, and then he'll just start crying. Really? Because I did that try to play the... They've got the Olympics game, you know, the Mario or Sonic Olympics with a running. And then I let my daughter win a couple and then I beat her and she just went mental. They can't, at that age they cannot deal with losing.

And it's like, it's just a scream and cry and they have to win every time. You just think, oh my God, is my kid going to be an awful person or is this just part of growing up? That is my son, honest to God, I'll do the same thing with him. But yeah, he just wants to be better at me than anything. Like, he's always like trying to say like, I'm stronger than you daddy, like, and trying to fight me. And it's just like, dude, like I will body slam you like, you know what I'm saying? Exactly. They'll say like, you know, I don't know how big he is, but you're a pretty big

guy. You're not a small guy. I think you could take a five-year-old, couldn't you? Yeah, I could. Listen, my son, especially when he gets on my nerves, like I told you, man, I'll body slap him. Sort of play-fighting and stuff. He's quite rough and tumble, is he? Yeah, yeah, he loves it, man. He's always just trying to punch me up and stamp on me.

Really? See, my five-year-old is like that, but with knowledge. She's like, I know this because of school, I know more than you. She's obsessed with knowing more than me because she's learned a bit at school now. I said there was a refraction of the light and it's actually reflection. And then she's banging on to me about what reflection is. And I just felt like saying, you're fucking wrong. It's so wrong.

It sounds similar, but you're fucking wrong. But she was like, I know because I go to school and I know. And I was like, shut up. But they love it, don't they? Even at fire. Is he in his first year of school then? Yeah, he's going to go into year one this September. So he's just finished reception. And yeah, he's happy because in his mind, I'm going to be a big boy now, Dad.

And it's just like, yeah, kind of, but you still struggle with wiping your bum. So I don't know about this big boy. You know what I mean? This big boy stuff, you know what I mean? So yeah. And you were in North London and you've moved to Hertfordshire, is that right? Yeah, yeah.

Was that because of the kids and stuff or was it? Yeah, yeah, it was, it was. We were living, it's so weird. So yeah, when I moved from my mum's house in Highgate, once I got married, we moved to Enfield and then we spent like maybe like a year and a half there and then, you know, was fortunate enough to save up enough money.

Came to Hertfordshire. So you're in like, you're in the countryside? I am, I am, man. I'm there like, you know, there's a whole bunch of trees outside my yard and sometimes- I like, you know, there's a whole bunch of trees outside my yard. He's a city boy, but he knows all the terms. Babatunday the country bumpkin all of a sudden. Trees and that.

Yeah, trees and that and couple horses and that and sheep and that. So yeah, it's different, man. It's different up here. How did you find it when he was little when there's an u-ball and stuff like that? Did he sleep well or was he a bit of a nightmare? No, he slept well. He slept well. He was good. He was good. Josh is dealing with a very badly sleeping child at the moment. That's a heartbreaking answer. Sorry, bro.

The answer is you just get a good sleeper or you don't and. That's a heartbreaking answer. Sorry, bro. I think the answer is, the answer is you just get a good sleeper or you don't. And then that's just your aunt. You're just lucky you're not. Yeah, that's the hand I've been dealt for the next 18 years. One of my mates, Kane Brown, he's a comic as well. He just told me kiss, good kiss, sleep, goodbye. That's all he said to me.

It was just like, forget about sleep. Like you will never get a good night's sleep forever. And I was just like, damn. Well, it is true. It is true. Because then when they get older, you don't sleep because you're worrying about them, because they're not in the house.

Oh, I take that, Rob. I'd happily lie there worrying. I don't know. At least I can look at my phone while I do it, mate. At least you can watch a film while you're worrying. Yeah, at least I'm not getting back problems from walking him around the bloody room all the time. Well, my wife kind of dealt with that side of things,

to be honest. I did sleep through the crying sometimes when he would wake up, because he wasn't that bad. He wasn't that bad. Obviously, the odd time here and there was just like, yeah, this child ain't going to sleep. But my son has this annoying habit. Yeah.

He likes to touch my armpit. I don't know why. And I don't know where this comes from. And this is true. So what he will do sometimes is more, if he's not just jumping in the bed and just getting in between me and my wife, sometimes I'll wake up to him scratching my armpits.

The most random thing. Oh my God. No, honest to God, this is so weird. And I'm like, me and my wife, we Googled it. We were just like, what is this obsession with him holding people's armpits? Can I ask what you Googled? What the exact terminology you're Googling? I put, I put child's obsession with armpits. What can I ask what you Google? What the exact terminology you're Googling? I put I put child's obsession with armpits. Oh my god, what a search. I bet you were so worried waiting for it to load up. And apparently it's it's a rare thing. It's not uncommon. And I'm just like, why would it be my son that has to be

the rare one? But yeah, apparently, yeah, a few children do this. And would he hold a stranger's armpit? It depends how comfortable he gets. Like he did it to my mate Nelson. He just did it so, he did it so smoothly to the point where my mate turned around and was just like, oh snap, like, to the point where my mate turned around and was just like, oh snap, like he said, did not happen. And I couldn't, I'm missing, I was on the floor. Sam Quek, welcome to the podcast. You are our first Olympic gold medalist.

Oh, I'm honored. Thank you. That is exciting though. That is such a big achievement that it's sort of, do you get bored of it being brought up or does it still feel good when you hear it? It still feels good. Even when I get on my medal, sometimes it still feels good. Any opportunity I'm like, oh, here's my medal.

Have you put your medal on your baby? I actually haven't put it on her. I put it next to her. I took a photo with it because she had like her own little personal portrait photo shoot a few weeks ago. So she actually, the gold medals are getting bigger and bigger, but bless Molly, she makes it look even bigger.

So what's the setup at home? You've got one child? Yes, one child who is eight weeks this week. So proper flush. How are you feeling? Because I think, I think at eight weeks old eight weeks old, I wouldn't have been able to speak to someone about having it out so in the trenches. But how's it going? It's going really well. I'm blessed to have Tom, who's brilliant. I mean, I'm not great at the best of times without sleep,

but he is really stepping up to do some of the night feeds. So I'm actually feeling okay. The first two weeks are really tough. I think you just gotta figure out the baby and what the cues are, what they like, what they don't like, what works, what doesn't work. So I can sit here at eight weeks and say, listen, it's, it's not easy. I don't think it's easy for anyone, but I can't complain because she is a star and I've got a good support system. What I like is you do slightly talk, you still talk slightly like you're discussing a run of sporting

fixtures. I was about to say that, Geoff, that was a classic response from an athlete. That it was, it was emotionless, broken down into what is our goal, how are we going to attack it? And we're being successful, let's just crack on, you know, you know, it's a new, it's a new week next week, the boys are happy to change your room. We'll print out the next spreadsheet. Are you very organised then? You sound a very organised and controlled mum. Well, do you want me to say, you know, we've had poo splats all over the white wardrobes

a number of times, you know, puke filled clothes and whatnot. Just the standard. I think most parents will probably know what I'm going on about, but I didn't expect it to be what it is. I don't know why. I just, every so often I look at her and I'm like, oh my God, that's mine. What is your responsibility or an excitement sort of way or both? Both, both because I've always, especially as an athlete, you grow up and you compete, you have to be really selfish. Even to the point in a relationship, I was very much, it was always about me, what I couldn't go to, what dates were I available to, kind of drink, kind of not drink. And then like that was marriage and then just me and Tom, but now I've got a kid. It's like another level of, oh my God, you have to look after this thing who can't do anything for

itself. And even just like, I mean, I'm expressing, so I feel like a cow that needs to be milked, but because she's getting bigger, she's wanting more milk. And I'm like, oh my God, just even stuff like that, trying to provide milk for a child. Peacock demand, it's like a small brand that's popped off in lockdown on Instagram. And you just, you haven't got the supply change yet. Well, I said to my husband, I said, I'm just pumping milk,

what are we gonna do with all this milk? And he said, I can definitely get some away on eBay, definitely. An Olympic gold medalists. Gold medal milk, the fuel of champions. Very strange piece of sporting memorabilia. I think now I think it would sell. Yeah, they that but I've been asked for some really weird stuff before. I'm like from some people wanted my old shoes and socks, I don't know what they wanted them for. I think I do.

What do you think? You know, let's not be naive about this, there's some sick fucks knocking about Sam. Another request as well, someone wanted a recording of me, of me farting through a walkie talkie. Oh wow. That's the best one I've had. The walkie talkie is perhaps the weirdest bit of that. Well it's not actually, it's not the weirdest bit of that.

So you're eight weeks in, do you feel like sleep deprived at all? Or are you- Yeah, massive. You seem like you're pretty with it. It's because I've had a coffee, honestly. I mean, I used to be a coffee fiend and then obviously cut it down

or didn't really have any during pregnancy. So now like when I have a whiff of coffee, I am bouncing off the walls. Oh, I bet. Yes. Like when you don't drink for a while and then you're hammered off to one pint. Yeah. I've still got that to come actually. I've still got my first drink slash binge drink to come post pregnancy.

Yeah. You've not had, have you got anything booked in? Because as a comedian, the first night out of a recent mum is normally pretty hardcore. That is when people really let loose because it's been over a year normally with the pregnancy and then the baby being small. Have you got that night out booked? I've got my good friend's hen do down in London actually on the 22nd of May. So that'll be a big event. Is it the first time you have left your daughter?

Overnight, yeah. Yeah. How'd you feel? A little bit nervous, but then I say that, but no, me, like as soon as I get a drink in my hand and sunshine, I'll be like, woo! Charlie Baker, I'd say, comedian, singer, you do jazz, actor, radio host, you've got it all. Yeah, very average and lukewarm at all of those. People like that. They like that and it's just stay warm. Someone early on in my career said, never be hot, just stay warm, just stay warm. He said, never be hot, just stay warm. Just stay warm.

And I'm like. No, because being hot implies you will cool down. And that could really, you know. Yes, that's a great philosophy. It's a really good advice. I'd say you've got funny bones though, Charlie. You're a funny person. Thanks.

Sometimes you don't have, some people manage to get away without having that, but you're a very funny man. And you've got two children, is that correct? I've got two children, yes, with a nine year gap in the middle. How old are they now? My son is 14, which is like, it's like living, he can probably hear me, so I have to be, because I'm not really allowed to talk to him or about him. So that this is going out as well, Charlie. So even if you do keep your voice down, there is an opportunity for him to hear it. Yeah, for the rest of all time. The internet's forever, isn't

it? Yeah. And no, it's like living at the moment with the staff of a French restaurant in Paris, right? Have you ever been to Paris? Everyone's so amazingly rude that you have to admire it. You have to absolutely go, that is some unbelievable rudeness there. But you also get like the maitre d' at the front who is amazingly charming. So some days he'll come down and it'll be like the maitre d'il be here. The most charming person you've met in your life is an absolute joy to have him in the house. Absolutely beautiful. And then he'll ask for like 20 quid or something and it'll be fine. But you know, like, and then sometimes it's like having that rude waiter

who doesn't speak to you, just looks at you like you're an absolute idiot. Just does not want to speak to you ever again. Don't embarrass me in front of my friends, you know, all those things. Oh, it's really peak, it's peak hating dadver mode. And then you get the like executive chef, full Gordon Ramsay, you are a bastard, I hate you. Just absolute, absolute. And then at the end of it, just a beautiful, sometimes a great big cuddle or, you know, I'm sorry, dad, and we have a big cuddle and I love you and you know, then she'll be sitting, watch the football, you know, and then it's all lovely again, then have cheese on toast, all have cheese

on toast, you know. But that's what it's like living with a teenager. Can I just say that the highlight of your relationship with your son is you have cheese on toast sometimes. Everyone warns you about teenagers, right? Everyone warns you and you think, I can cope with that. I know moody people. I've been in the arts my whole life. I've seen moody people. It's unbelievable because the first few times you can't believe the rudeness and you can't

believe the speed of it. It's like a sort of shark attack. I've never been attacked by a shark. I imagine it's quite fast. I can't help but feel that you'd be having cheese and toast with a shark afterwards, Charlie. Exactly. Do you take it to heart? I take it to heart if it's at my wife or our five-year-old daughter. If it's at me, I can sort of just take it and go,

okay, that's all right. But if it's rude, my one rule is don't be rude to mum, do not be rude to mum. I would suddenly go, and I'm a pretty, I would say I'm a 50-50 parent, 50%. You haven't got full custody. Sorry to go to football again. Have you ever seen that quote that sometimes may be good, sometimes may be shit? Have you ever seen that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's that? I don't know. It's an Italian footballer. Gattuso, it's Gattuso. He's a manager. They go, and they ask him, what do you think of

his defense? And he goes, I don't know, sometimes maybe good, sometimes maybe shit. And that is basically my parenting style. I will sometimes go, oh, that was awful. That was a really bad bit of parenting. And then my wife will give me like a little tip, like of how to deal with something and I'll do that tip and I'll go, I am brilliant at this. I am absolutely brilliant at this. Have you got examples of when it's gone wrong and then when you've nailed it? Well, it's always, she's really good at just saying, pick your battles. That is the key

with a teenager. Pick your battles and just don't try and be their friend. It's just letting a lot of stuff go. You just have to let a lot of stuff go. Take the frozen amendment and just let it go. Because it's like, you're not going to win because the argument is not lucid. They don't mean it. It's pure emotion. It's just pure emotion. And hormones as well at that. Oh yeah, yeah, exactly. And he's growing. He's nearly taller than me now. What, he's 5'5". Kids are bigger though, aren't they? They are bigger now, aren't they? I think we're getting smaller. I am getting smaller, but they are massive now. These kids

walk, because we live on a high street and so the kids walk home from school and they are all six foot plus. It is unbelievable. They are massive now. I think, you know, like a hard nut from school, I think a hard nut year eight could beat me up. Oh, definitely. Definitely. Yeah. Well, actually, sometimes like Stan plays in a football team. He's a keeper, isn't he? Goalkeeper. He's a goalkeeper. Yeah. But like one of the hard lads in his year plays in a football team. He's a keeper, isn't he? Goalkeeper. He's a goalkeeper, yeah.

But like one of the hard lads in his year plays in this team, right? And I like him, right? I like him. But sometimes… You don't have to be scared of him. No, no, no, no, but listen to the thing. I'm just trying to temper what I say because… I like him, but not when he takes my cheese on tell.

No, but the thing is, right, it is the thing. You know he's like the hard lad in the year, right? And if he turns up in your house, it's a bit like, you know, he's like the hard lad in the house. And he's like, he's like the hard lad in the house. And he's like the hard lad in the house. And he's like the hard lad in the house. And he's like the hard lad in the house.

And he's like the hard lad in the house. And he's like the hard lad in the house. And he's like the hard lad in the house. And he's right, it is the thing. You know he's like the hard lad in the year, right? And if he turns up in your house, he's a bit like, yeah, hello, yeah, all right. Sort of feel a bit like, oh, God, oh, no, because he's just genuinely hard, you know. It's like when you go to the pub and someone introduces you to their really hard mate and you're a bit scared, even though it's been nice. You just know. You're like embarrassed that you put Marmite on this cheese on toast. You take it with some sort of mug Charlie.

I can legally buy beer. If you want some. That's it for this special Best Of episode. We'll be back next week. That's it for this special Best Of episode, we'll be back next week. working here. People at festivals in those stupid jester hats. I glanced at a tampon. £2.69 for a bottle of water. Why is your wi-fi code 10 characters long? The bridge starts guiding you. I don't care if you're watching. Boots cut jeans. What's upset you now? I'm Sean Walsh. And I'm Paul McCaffrey. We are the hosts of What's Upset You Now. The UK's angriest podcast, and we are back for series 5. Booyah!

We all love a good moan, don't we? And Sean and I, well, Sean mostly, are two of the best in the absolute business. And every Tuesday and Thursday, we moan about all those little things that really get our goat. We also have guests. What guests have we had, Sean? We have had Ramesh Ranganathan, Rob Beckett, Mark Lamar, Joe Brand, Catherine Ryan, Tom Allen. 15 minute episodes every Tuesday and Thursday. Brand new What's Up Set You Now, Series 5, out now. Oh for God's sake. Josh, you fancy going for a beer? Maybe like the 14th of April?

I can't do the 14th of April Rob. How come? We're doing the Parenting Hell Arena Tour at Manchester Arena. Oh, okay yeah. How about the 14th of April Rob. How come comes we're doing the parenting hell arena tour at Manchester Arena Okay, how about the 19th of April? Oh, no, I can't do that I'll be doing that the parenting hell live tour in Nottingham. What about the 20th of April Cardiff arena parenting hell live card 21st of April London oh 20 20 23rd of April I can do the 22nd. We've got a day off. 23rd, yes, Wembley.

What about the 28th of April? I'm in Birmingham. Do you know what, Rob? Parent in Hell live tour. Yeah, but we'll just have a drink afterwards. Yeah, should we do that? Yeah, that'd be nice. We need to plug the live tour, by the way.

Oh, yeah, yeah, there's a live tour of Parent in Hell. And I cannot wait. It's genuinely going to be an absolute thrill to do and do you know what it would make? A perfect Christmas present, two of those tickets. Oh great Christmas present or Father's Day present or Mother's Day present. Exactly. See you there. Hello, Tom Allen here. And Susie Ruffall.

We have a podcast called Like-Minded Friends. It's very much a celebration of, I don't know, what would you say, Sus, being queer? Being queer but also chit chat. There's loads of straight people that love it, so I think that you should come along and listen to it. There's something for everybody. It's been described as white noise for gays, but also we had a lovely section about glade plugins. So why don't you listen to it? Search Like-Minded Friends wherever you get your podcasts. That sounded quite professional, didn't it?

Mmm. From the Box is the TV podcast that goes behind the scenes of the nation's favourite shows, including Coronation Street, Emmerdale, Hollyoaks and EastEnders. You know, it was literally we couldn't sort of go anywhere. We were, you know, without being recognised. I'm Lee Salisbury and I directed the shows and the stars in them. On this podcast, I delve where no one else has been. Oh, well, I mean, you can listen to over 70 episodes

right now with stars including Sue Johnston, Glynnis Barber, Denise Wells, Sid Owen, Sally Dynevor, and Danny Minogue. No more, no more. In this week's episode, I chat to the star of one of the biggest Christmas films of all time. Hi, I'm Marty McCutcheon. Yes, love actually, and EastEnders actress Marti McCutcheon

goes behind the scenes with me, especially for you. It's such a beautiful thing, like, to be part of your legacy, to leave behind. Soap from the Box, the TV podcast you don't want to miss.