Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S10 EP41: Sports Day Ends Badly

Episode Date: July 15, 2025

More misadventures in parenting, life, and beyond with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe... Rob is jet-lagged and a little aggy. Josh discusses a school sports day failure. If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available free everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please follow and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx MAILING LIST: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

No Frills delivers. Get groceries delivered to your door from No Frills with PC Express. Shop online and get $15 in PC Optimum Points on your first five orders. Shop now at NoFriills.ca. Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Whitacombe. Welcome to Parenting Hill, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting,

each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and of course, tales of parenting woe. Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Lewis, can you say Rob Becket? Rob Becket. And Josh?

Josh. Whitakum? Whitakum. Good job. Goodum? Good job. Good job. Good job. Much better at good job than Whitakum, but who isn't?

Who isn't? This is my six year old autistic son, Lewis, having a go at your names. Is it Lewis or Louie? How's it spelled? With an S. No, the middle bit. Oh.

Go on, mate, with an L. I need the O, the U or the E or the W. Lewis has only, Lewis has only just started. Lewis has only started to talk in the last you've only just started as well. started to read. In the last few months, spelt with an S, it's been a long five years wanting to hear his voice and thought I'd finally get a chance to give the intro a go. Please, as much as we appreciate it, Jackie, don't pretend that that was one of the main reasons.

That would be it. I love the podcast. It makes my commute to work fun. Keep up the good work, stay sexy and relatable. Jackie, 479 months in Northern Ireland. Wow, and that's spelled with an E, yeah? Jackie, no. No E?

No, it's spelled Q-U-I. Pardon? J-A-C-Q-U-I, it's short for Jacqueline. Oh, did not know that. I thought you was trying to say something wacky, but that is no, I wasn't. I wasn't making a number one me. No, I wasn't trying to say something wacky as much.

I always try to hear that plane. No, I've got a window open. There's a plane going over. How are you, Josh? When I saw Paul put glass to me, Rob, go on. Two things happened at last. Someone pulled the string out your back.

Would you put it? Sorry. The glass to me. Two things happened at Glastonbury. Someone pulled the string out your back like Woody from Toy Story. It's the Glastonbury anecdote. Sorry. It's related. When they were playing Common People, and I'm going to say it, it was going off. There's absolutely no Common People. People spending free grand a ticket. I was with the ultimate Common Person, Ivo Graham, at that point.

Oh absolutely, he was in a common boat. And he's singing along to that song. He doesn't know the words. He's too young. Does he know he's the villain in that song? No, the villain is actually a foreign tourist who wants to... As far as I'm concerned, he's foreign to me, Ivo. He might as well be from Timbuktu. You was born in Hong Kong!

Exactly! Anyway, the Red Arrows came over during Common People by coincidence. It's probably one of Ivo's relatives up there with a moustache. In the Spitfire. Skywriting saying, Ivo, you've forgotten your lunch. Surely they can parachute in the bento box, can't they? Bit of Ivo bashing there. You know, I'll just tell you another incredible coincidence that happened to me.

At Plastonbury? Yeah. Go on. So I was talking to, do you know what? One of Ivo's friends. Right, okay. I was only with him twice. It's hard to remember their names.

They're all double barreled. There's normally a lord, some sort of prefix. To be honest, when you spend much time with Ivo Graham, he's got such a revolving cast of posh friends. It's like some of them made up. Yeah. They're all lovely, but they're all interchangeable. Yeah, but everyone's got that. If you're a bit posh, there's always some you know that's sort of like,

if they come out to drink, he's embarrassingly posh. And because I'm a bit common, I've got mates from school. So I've got mates that could turn up to meet you and Ivo for a drink, and you'd think nothing of it. I've got mates that would turn up for a drink if you and I though and you would actually be panicked Lloyd Griffiths Actually no s on the end of that no it's on the end. Yeah, I always made that mistake Even since he's been nominated for a Logie. Yes. Congratulations, Lloyd. I told him when he

started comedy to change his name to Griffin, cause it'd be easier. Yeah. No, fair enough. And he's proven correct in the long term. He's Logied up to the eyeballs. The Australian BAFTAs. Yes, please. It's the Australian BAFTAs if people don't know what the Logies is. Anyway. It's very comedy comedy this. Yeah. So what you said, I was talking to Ivo's posh friend, Tom lovely bloke, Thomas. Yeah, Thomas. And we were talking about, we got onto the subject of your friends who had bands that like sick form in school and the bad names they had.

I can I tell you, there was not one kid at my school that was in a band. Well, there you go. That was a couple of grime MCs. They're so solid crew with that. So what were their names? Anyway, I was like, you know when you're like racking your brain, I was like, there's one which I hadn't thought about in a couple of decades called Apricot Smile and we had a chat about this. Apricot Smile, I don't mind that. No, yeah. I thought I hadn't thought about Apricot Smile in 20 years. Now I went to watch Self Esteem, right? Yeah. And I stood there and the guy thought about Apricot Smile in 20 years. Now, I went to watch Self Esteem, right?

Yeah. And I stood there and the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and he said, I bet you don't remember me. And I turned around and I said, you're the singer from Apricot Smile. And it was the singer from Apricot Smile who I'd never seen. I love that.

But I couldn't believe it had happened, Rob. When you are at music festival, but yeah, in the grand scheme of things. But I couldn't believe it had happened, Rob. When you are at a music festival, but yeah, in the grand scheme of things. But to mention something for the first time, I'd manifested him. I hadn't thought about him in two decades. You think it was the power of thought brought into you? What I'm saying, Rob, is Glastonbury's on a ley line. Strange things happen. When you're in Glastonbury, you've got your crystals and your chakras meet. And you think, oh my God, why was I just talking about band names? Probably because you're in a field and you're being nostalgic, talking about band names. Oh my God, I was like just talking about band names, probably because you're in a field and you're being nostalgic talking about band

names. Oh my God, the guy that was in the band is is near me. Oh God, yeah, well, he was in a band. There's a quarter million people on that festival. I've not seen him in 20 years. That is what probably about an hour away from where I grew up. God, it's crazy, isn't it? These coincidences. Yeah, you're right. Can I say, can I apologize?

You're a debunker. I'm a mifter bunker. And I'm very tired and Aggie. So I'm gonna apologize for being mean there. Tell me why you're tired and Aggie. Well, because basically, I am still living on Indonesian time. You've been in Indonesia just to clear up. Yeah, yeah, I've come back from Indonesia. So what is Indonesian time? Just because I don't know that. You know, people have a love for the great outdoors. Yeah.

And a sense of adventure. What's the opposite of that? Because that's what I've got. You like your comfort zone. I suppose the phrase is creature comforts, Rob. My heat map, if I had a heat map of the world, it would be ideally my house and then Spain. Totally.

That's all I want. Same for me, but without Spain. Yeah. My own house, not yours. So basically a quick rundown of what's been going on. Sorry, when I said what's Indonesian time, I meant, what's the time different? Oh, well, there's six or seven hours ahead. That's a big old difference.

Yeah. So my body wants to wake up early. Yeah. So I was filming Ramesh, came back, I flew back overnight on the first day, landed, and it's a long old, it was four hours to an airport, two hour flight to Singapore, two hour wait there, 13 and a half hours from Singapore to London back home. With Ramesh? With Ramesh.

Much chat? Not much chat. Yeah, we had a couple of beers at Singapore airport because we had got, our plane back, we got the flight was cancelled, so we got bumped onto another plane. So I had a couple of beers, a couple of Changs, a couple of Changs in Singapore airport. Well I don't think you should be having Changs. Then we had a drink. Take the edge off.

Yeah, so basically very busy, it was in the jungle all week, trekking around the jungle, it was 35 degrees and 94% humidity. Do you know what, I'd rather die. Honestly mate, I was so wet. You'd basically wet all day and the accommodation was rough and it was, and it was like just being in a jungle and mate there's just like spiders landing on you and like snakes everywhere. And honestly, there was an ant the same size as my dick.

It's a normal size ant. Yeah. So the ants are the same size in Indonesia. As do you. Anyway, so it was a mad experience, but not my cup of tea and very difficult. Anyways, I've got back tired. So Lou went away Thursday night to Spain for three days. I get home Friday morning.

The kids are in school. They're getting picked up in the afternoon by the grandparents and I'm picking up from the grandparents house because in the day we were interviewing Tamsin Hathwaite. Me and you. Yeah. But yeah, which I don't know it's been out on the on the radio on the show yet. Anyway, long short of it. Tamsin Hathwaite.

I've had the kids all weekend on my own. And the problem is, it's been fun in the day. But I get into bed and I'm exhausted all day. Yeah, because I've basically been getting up at 1am I feel like to start my day. Yeah. And then I put the kids to bed. They're going to sleep about half nine 10 because it is bright and it is hot. Anyway, I did that. And then by the time I've gone downstairs and tidied up, I went to bed at about midnight, right? I thought it's brilliant now because I'm pretty good at jet lag. Now this

went to sleep at midnight was asleep? I thought brilliant now, because I'm pretty good at jet lag. Now this went to sleep at midnight was asleep for an hour and a half. Then my seven year old came in was disorientated. So I got up, took us to the toilet, put back into bed. I lay into bed. Yeah. Little brain goes Hello, we're up for the day. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, seven, eight o'clock am Indonesian time. Oh, no, I'm just laying there like what the fuck is it like and then so I've basically been awake. I mean that's happened for the last two days. So I'm like

disorientated and confused and aggy. So that's the situation I'm at at the moment. So did you get back to sleep after 1.30? I went to sleep for about an hour and then I woke up. I was basically awake for the day from 3am. Fuck that. And then Saturday night again the same. And then last night I didn't go back to about one and then woke up at six. So are your children respecting it? No, absolutely no respect for that whatsoever. So on Saturday we got up, I took them to their clubs and then I took them from the clubs to the cafe and then I took them swimming.

But I took them to a swimming pool in Brom had, there's no water slides anymore, Josh. There's not as many as there were. No. So we went to the Bromley one, because they used to have slides. I went on, they're all shut. You get an hour slot. It's fucking chaos. It's all those razor blades people put on the slides when we were kids. All the razor blade bastards. And then, yeah, anyway, so did that, come home. Then I crumbled and bought them jelly cats at the shops. I don't think that's a problem, Rob. Come home and do the dinner and then I thought we do a thing called bubble time.

I thought what my eldest one can have some bubble time. I was like yeah and the kids aren't sleeping very well at the moment. So you know you need to explain bubble time. Yeah bubble time bubble time we chat about things that worry them. All right. It's like I got one I see it gets to like quarter 10. They want audio books at the moment the technical logistics of trying to get audio books played to a kid's where I'm signing up for audible.

I signed up to audible for like eight quid a month. You still have to buy the fucking books. What's the point? You get a book a month, don't you? That's not enough, is it, for two kids hammering through Lottie Brooks, is it? Don't, man. It takes about 20 minutes to... Most of it's visual. I know, Josh. Pielky is cleaning up if he's selling audiobooks on top of the bloody comics.

But then on Spotify, I realized you get free rolled up. So some free audiobooks if you've got premium. Oh, really? I'm trying to play one, but then on my other kid's laptop, you can only play one on Spotify, but I've got a family account. You're a talker into the BFG. But on the other family account, one word premium. Anyway, I've had audiobook stress, right?

And then my elder one goes, oh, daddy, we had the puberty talk at school, can I I've got some questions about periods. Oh my god. I've not got nothing in the tank. I've not got the knowledge or the energy. We had the puberty talk and why is your dick the size of an ant? Because you're not been through puberty. You're not been through puberty. I think you just had one pub. But anyway, basically, one of the questions was, what happens if I'm on the toilet and I need to poo in a wee and a period? Oh, God, I

went you and explodes. Did say that I was like, mummies back tomorrow. Well, my baby came back late last night. All right. I've been away for six days. They knew one way for three days. The house is absolute chaos. Me and Lou have actually skidded in what we call a Cobra meeting. Oh, yeah. You know, like the government have Cobra meetings when there's like COVID or like a war. So like we've scheduled a Cobra meeting for this afternoon. Good, because there's loads of

stuff that hasn't got sorted. You know, you need both of you together with diaries. So is this physical stuff or physical stuff? I'm sorry. I paint the face of my dick. We call it the Cobra meeting. Is it more like organizing? Is it logistic stuff or is it- It's basically logistics.

What are we going to do about this pile of shit? A bit of both. The logistics, we just basically have got to slow down a bit because we're constantly ships in the night because I'm in and out from work and stuff like that. So it's a bit of that and just loads of like organized play dates, car insurance. Obviously you can't cancel your work so you just have to do it. So you're just going to have to do it. So you're just going to have to do it.

So you're just going to have to do it. So you're just going to have to do it. So you're just going to have to do it. So you're just going to have to do it. So you're just going to have to do it. So you're just going to have to do it. So you're just going to have to do it. So you're just going to have to do it.

So you're just going to have to do it. So you're just going to have to do it. So you're just going to have to do it. So you're just going to have to do it. So you're just going to have to like that. So it's a bit of that and just loads like organized play dates, car insurance. Obviously, you can't cancel your work. So you saying that you knew maybe needs to not go to Spain is that what you're saying? No, I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that whatsoever that she was in France last week, Spain this week, and then she's going away for the weekend with my mom and sister in August as well. I

think it's good, actually, for Lou to go out and have a good time with her friends and sister in August as well. I think it's good actually for Lou to go out and have some time with her friends and family. And do you think, just this is hypothetical, that because we're away working, that's equivalent to Lou or Rose going on holiday? Look, some people will say, driving up to Cambridge to stay in a hotel for the night in order to film You Bet Over Two Days

is the same as seeing Beyoncé in Paris. And I agree. Yeah. I'm seeing Stephen Mulhern in Cambridge. Exactly. And I've already seen him once at Goodwood. Yeah. So if anything, I've had two holidays.

Yeah. Compared to lose one. Yeah, it isn't. It is. Yeah, I wouldn't say it isn't. You just said it isn't. It isn't. I just wouldn't say it isn't.

I'm gonna say it isn't. You just said it isn't. It isn't. I just wouldn't say it isn't. I'm gonna say it isn't the same. Yes, I did see an orangutan in the flesh. Did I have to walk for eight hours with the um. Also, I took a stomach bug to Indonesia. I arrived and shit myself. I hadn't eaten anything. You know when people have a go at like, Bear Grylls, is that still a reference that people are having a go at?

I don't know. But you know, like- You think you're still the survival guy. Right, yeah, okay. I don't watch that kind of stuff. But like- Well, it's the famous YouTuber guy now who's given up on YouTube because it was too much that wild boys thing, whatever it was called.

Do you know what I'm talking about? No, I don't know. It's sort of a gawky looking guy with glasses that would go in like the- and try and stay overnight in a cabin. Right, yeah. So people will go, the thing is, is right with Bear Grylls is just bloody well the moment the cameras stop rolling, he's just straight into a hotel duvan or whatever. And you go, I haven't done some filming in situations which

are where the joke of the filming is this is tough. Yeah, the moment the cameras stop rolling, there's no hotel because you're outdoors. So we filmed in the outback and you're like, these flies don't leave you the moment the camera stopped filming. It doesn't stop being a million degrees. So it is tough to film these things that are meant to be tough on screen. Do you know what I mean? I think that's a kind of slight myth that people put out that actually the moment the cameras start rolling, it's a really lovely experience. I can confirm there are no nice hotels nearby.

Yeah. We were a hotel and it was rough. Yeah. It was a hotel, but like, I've never had walls but felt outdoors still. Deep, deep. So it was just ants in the room, spiders, and leeches everywhere.

Like the camera guys, leeches walking from the hotel. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I got there and I had chicken and rice leeches walking from the hotel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got there and I chicken and rice and the chicken and the buffet. The next day, I was empty. And then the next day, everything came out of me. Oh, dear. Yeah, for the next four days. Nothing for breakfast. Yeah, lunch, french fries, dinner, french fries. Four days.

Fuck it now. Have I ever told you about my lunches at the 2016 Paralympics? No you haven't. I remember you sent me photos of ones in Paris where it was a bit dodgy the food. Yeah, but in Brazil they do not respect vegetarianism Rob. No, absolutely. Good on them. Yeah. So I had smileys, potato smileys, 11 lunches in a row for my lunch. I bet you have been to them. Fucking hell. You actually lose weight on it. It's weird.

It's not the only one. It's a great diet. It's a great diet. If that's all you're going to eat. Yeah. It won't take long to tell you Nutril's ingredients. Vodka, soda, natural flavors. So what should we talk about? No sugar added? Neutral refreshingly simple.

Do you want me to tell you about a bad sports day to cheer you up? Oh, please. Yeah, I feel like I'm empty today. So sorry if this is shit and I'm not being honest. The sports day was great, but it ended badly. So the sports day was great. So sports day is scheduled for Friday afternoon, the Friday of Glastonbury festival. Yep, you were gonna watch it and then go down.

Cause we're good human beings. Yeah, whereas there was other parents that went in the morning. Who went on Thursday. Imagine wanting to go to Glastonbury for an extra night. It's not for you, Rob. I watched all those people in there. I just can't do it, Josh.

It is cringe AF. Oh my god like best flag ever Raaah Fuck off. Love it. Love every moment. Do you know what I said to Rose when the kids grow up We're going Wednesday. Fordy, Matt Ford goes Wednesday. He's insane. To Monday Matt Ford, Wednesday to Monday. Wednesday to Monday. Too much. Yeah. Well does he just camp or has he got like glamping? He's got glamping. He's got glamping. And also he can, if he wants to use the disabled platforms.

Oh yeah, of course. Old chestnut. Bloody chestnut. Old spinal cancer bonus. Spinal cancer bonus. Here is it. Oh, blue badge, blue badge at last though, is it? Yeah.

Good luck to him. It's amazing though, he can go and attend though though considering what it went through. So well done. I don't think he does use them as well though. But anyway, he could if he wanted just to be clear. Anyway, so we're going down Friday afternoon. Yeah. Yeah. So Friday morning, my son's got concert as well like for Hackney schools. So we go to that it's a double up. Right we get up Friday take my daughter in then go to the concert yeah the concert very very nice experience but huge queues overruns we then go home

too many people too many people but you know ready ourselves for Glastonbury really what's your kid doing in it singing singing in 600 kids singing it's a lovely event I'd say 12 songs is too many, but that's just that's just me. But he loved it. Go home, we've got an hour's turn around to get ready for Glastonbury. So you're going straight after sports day? Straight after sports day. And you're getting driven down there? Are you driving? No, I get in the train. In the train? Because if you're leaving London at 4pm on a Friday. Yeah, I'm not criticising. So then where do you get off at to get the train down there? Well, that's a bit harsh mate.

No, then how do you get from the station to... You get off at Castle Kerry and there's a shuttle bus. So you get a shuttle bus? You, Joshua from the telly? Yeah, behind other people. And then where does the shuttle bus drop you? Gate A. And then how far is it from Gate A to where you're going? Gate C.

Yeah. It is a 300 yard walk. That's fine. Yeah, and then you're at your accommodation. Then you're at the accommodation, which is right next to a gate because we were in posh camping. Nice. I make no bones about that. We had a sauna on Sunday morning. Well, I wish that's where you took me the first last time. Yeah, I know. Don't. I know. Don't. I'm the carnival crew. Fucking don't. You can't take, I'm gonna use a third person here, Rob know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know't for me. It isn't for me. And to be honest, Rob, it isn't for me either. Well, because people say Glasserie is like a city. Yeah. Yeah. Did I just go to the wrong bit? Yes.

Have I gone to Paris and just stood under the Eiffel Tower and moaned? No, no, because that would imply that you were in a popular area. Where does Nick Grimshaw go? Where does Nick Grimshaw go? He looks nice and clean. So basically, then we go to the sports day with a wee bit. Why are there so many Liverpoolians there? I don't know. I saw a BBC news story about why there's so many Liverpoolians there. They've got little things that they love, Scousers. That Mother's Day and Father's

Day in Liverpool is like times 10. Do you know about this? No, I didn't know that. It's a real big thing. Yeah. And there's weird all different cities. In Swansea, there's a day where, Beaujolais day, where the wine's ready. It's a real big thing. There's certain. Yeah. And there's weird all different cities in Swansea. There's a day where Beaujolais day where the wines ready. It's like a French day, like party day. And everyone in Swansea gets dresses up in like three piece suits and like dresses up. They go to Royal Ascot and then go down the ice tree and get fucked up in all by one. Well, this is a great texting. What is your local thing that happens in your city that happens nowhere else? Rydport, New Year's Eve, they all do fancy dress. Yeah, they do that in Cornwall.

So in Cornwall, Corseand, which is a huge, I don't know if it still is popular, but that used to be fancy dress and they'd all go down to, in Tor Point, the ferry lanes, which is the area the cars would queue up for the ferry to Devon. That's where the big party would happen. You have to get a ferry to Devon?

There's a river between Cornwall and Devon so you can either go over the bridge or get a ferry. Did not know that. Yeah. Okay, yeah send in your weird towns and cities. It's not completely rivered but if you're on the South Side. So if you're in Plymouth and you need to go to Cornwall it's bridge or ferry. Okay fair enough. Yeah. Sorry carry carry on. Got an hours turnaround. Hours turnaround. So then we get to the sports day with our wheelie

suitcase. Yeah, right. Because we're now the kind of people that take a wheelie suitcase to Glastonbury Road. My kind of people. Where was this Josh and Rose? I needed you three years ago. That was before you were sober, wasn't it? No, that was the first sober glass story. Was you sober? That was your first sober year? Yeah. 2003.

2023. So then the next thing I did with my life was we went to sports day. Sports day was lovely. So we've got a train to catch though Rob and sports day is over running. Ooh, it's all over running, isn't it? My son's at nursery running in it. My sons at

nursery in the school. Yeah. And my daughter's in the nearby park doing the sports day. Yeah. Okay. And Rose's mom, who's 80, bad play to her. Yeah. And this boiling hot day. Yeah. has got to take them home from the sports. She's got to do a double sort of separate pickup. So I go, I'll go and get my son. I'll bring him to the sports day. Perfect. Big mistake.

Ooh. Because what we should have done is gone, oh, when the sports day ends, take my daughter back to the school and then you can order your cab from there. Yep. And you've got plenty of time. Instead-

Did your son have stayed in school for a bit longer then? Yeah, yeah, he could have been there till six. Oh, right, yeah. You've had a hell of a... That was a huge mistake because now we've got my son, who's pissed off at being at the sports day and can see an ice cream van in the park. Yeah. We can't go and get him an ice cream because you can't turn up

at a sports day of 80 kids or whatever it is with a child with an ice cream when none of them are allowed an ice cream. I would. Okay. I would just go, he's not involved in this. You crack on when you're running, he's having a fucking ice cream. The other thing with the ice cream Rob is we've already ordered the taxi.

By the time he spots the ice cream van, he can't take an ice cream into the taxi. Again, so now we're back to no you can't. So then the taxi shows up, but the sports day is still going. Oh my god. And we need to go. You've got a taxi running, ticking over the me. Well, it's so difficult to get a taxi in Hackney that you have to order. What, in London? Honestly, in this area of Hackney is a black spot for ordering a black cab.

And I thought the point of being in the city was you just go, hey, I'm going home. Like Bridget Jones, you just stumble on you just go, hey, I'm going home like Bridget Jones. You just stumbled on the street. Totally agree. I'm out. But also, Rose's mom doesn't have the Black Cab apps. We do.

So we have to order it for her. We have to be there. We have to get her to the cab before we can get our own Black Cab. Which is hard to book. Which is hard to book, particularly when you've already used one of your apps to book the other Black Cab.

Do you not use Uber? But is that just because Black Cabs are quicker because they got the bus lanes? Black cabs are better for kids because Uber's a bit dodgy putting your kids in the back of an Uber. Especially on their own. Especially on their own. If we go to Glastonbury.

Exactly. So we basically have to pull my daughter out of the sports day before the results are announced. Oh, that's bad. It's bad, but what else? There's a, literally, there's a cab running. Yeah, but- And my mother-in-law doesn't know where this cab is. So she didn't find out she won or lost?

Well, she knew her results. It was the team. The team. The red team, green team. Was she okay with that? No. I think you- Correctly, rightly so, Rob.

I think she's in the right here. Yeah, oh, she's 100% in the right. I'm not defending but we were in and we were going to miss our train. We're not missing your days more important than your child. No, no, we couldn't leave an 80 year old schedule. We can't leave an 80 year old woman with two kids unable to find a taxi. Yeah. Because you've got a later train. No, we couldn't because we'd already paid for the train we could have but it would have cost us hundreds and hundreds of pounds. Yeah. Because you've got a later train. No, we couldn't because we'd already paid for the train we could have but it

would have cost us hundreds and hundreds of pounds. Yeah. You can put a price on childhood trauma. Yes, you can. And that price was some great gifts from Glastonbury. But also in the panic of the situation, you don't know who you know, I mean, I know, so much stress and pressure. You got this massive wheelie suitcase behind this massive wheelie suitcase is boiling hot. Also, you're thinking, you can't communicate this, but there's other parents haven't even fucking shown up for this.

Yeah, true. But then you're at least you let do the thing, but she wants to celebrate with her friends and see if she's one or not, doesn't she? That's the kicker. Yeah, of course. It was an awful situation, Rob. It was an absolutely awful situation. Because you've also got two black cabs sitting there. They've arrived, get this, a different side of the park, which we put as the pin. So you've got to take them to one black cab and then go to the other end of the

park to your black cab. How did you end it with your daughter then getting her in the cab? It was awful. It was just fucking awful. And my son's screaming because we're going and he's obsessed with Rose at the moment. The whole thing was like a total shitstorm. Yeah, I do feel like it's weird. They go for a phase of like when they're really, really little, you can sort of leave them there completely oblivious to any of your shit.

Then they go for a stage where they don't care and they love going, yeah, my dad didn't go to work and spend that time with like Nanny and Granddad. And then sometimes they're like, please don't leave. But when they're old, it's weird, they go through phases. Yeah, my daughter's finally going away now, but my son wants Rose to put him to bed. That's the truth of the matter.

And where are you sleeping at the moment? Are you still on the floor? No, we're in our bed, but my son does come in maybe two nights a week and gets in with you and I just go into his bed because last night he came in and I thought I'm going to see how this goes and he moves around so much. He just within 30 seconds he put his legs over the top of my head. I open my eyes and I could literally just see a foot over my eye and I was like fuck

it. I'm getting out of here. I'm getting out of here. Oh, that is horrible though. Oh, it was so stressful. Because you're trying to do the right thing and you're just panicking. How much longer of sports day was there? Five minutes or whatever. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. You're trying to make decisions on the hoof and then they go wrong and what we should have done is left him at school but by that point it's too late because then... Because then if he was just at school, then the nan could go, well, I'll just wait for this to finish and then I'll take her to the school. Do you know what?

We're trying our best. You're always trying your best. Well, yeah, because you're like, I'll be easy, if I just grab him from there, but that was the problem. And you fuck up, and then you're like, people just fuck up under pressure. Yeah, well, my daughter was like scared in the night

and of the dark and all that. And then I was just like, I was so jet lagged inside, I just wasn't making sense. I think I was making her more scared. Cause like, yeah, well, don't worry. It's too dark. And I was like, well, do you want to come downstairs and see it's okay in the dark?

And then I was just down the downstairs or in the dark and she was more scared. But I think I've read a thing somewhere where Billy Connelly got his kids not to be scared of the dark by like walking or in the dark and she was more scared. But I think I've read a thing somewhere where Billy Connolly got his kids not to be scared of the dark, while like walking around in the dark and showing that there was actually nothing there. But I tried that just fucking a redwood. Totally. I'm still scared of the dark. How do you get your kids not to be scared of the dark and going

to bed? If anyone could got any tips greatly appreciated. I don't know. Because it is scary. Because the truth is the dark. If I made you walk because it is scary because the truth is the dark if I made you walk home you live in the countryside yeah if your taxi for some reason broke down and you had to walk the last mile in the dark I think you would be a bit scared yeah because it's the unknown you're scared of the unknown and you can't see I would say our bedroom is quite known now yeah but what I mean is you can't see if someone stood behind you. But yeah, because she said to me as well, well, she went, I'm scared of the dark.

She was like, and mommy's scared of the dark and she's 38. I went, no, she's not scared of the dark. She just doesn't like the dark, but she can cope with the dark. Can I talk to you about the traffic and hack me, Rob? Please don't. I'm so fucking angry about it every morning. Is it not a tube you can get from there to? What we, sorry, is this our route or

Rose's mom's route. So Rose's mom's right is not our route was taxi to Liverpool Street that Elizabeth line to Paddington, right? Okay. Yeah, but obviously we're cutting it fine Because we were trying to fit everything in a piece of love don't come easy He's a love don't come easy. Peace and love don't come easy. Look at the bloody state of the bloody world. Anyway, they've closed two of the three routes between Victoria Park and going into town. Well, I think Victoria Park might be the most used phrase

on this podcast. So they've closed Grove Road, which is the road down the middle of the park. Have all the festivals stopped to the park now? Oh no, in between festivals. We've had Lido Festival, which was Massive Attack on Charlie XCX. And then All Points East starts in the end of August.

Oh, OK. Which is the Maccabees and Ray and people like that. Have you got the park back, or is it still boarded up? The park's back. So you've got the park fully back, and then in a few weeks, they'll put the boards up again. They're different festivals so presumably they don't share boards. Seems like they could go off on boards. Well yes I suppose it does doesn't it but I don't want them to just leave them up for the four weeks in between. Yeah fair enough. So anyway you can't

drive down the middle of the park now so that's one of the routes closed and then last week they closed Graham Road I'm sure you know it. Josh, I don't know any of these roads. Imagine you've got three roads and they close the two side roads. So only the middle one is available. Right. Okay. That's been all shot. So real life actually, how's it impacting you? I put into my sat nav, the 1.6 mile drive to school, 41 minutes. sat now for the 1.6 mile drive to school. 41 minutes. Lovely. Normally takes you 15 to 20. Because it's quite a long school route anyway though, isn't it your school drop at the moment winds up 20 minutes? Yeah,

from the countryside. Yeah, exactly. And you're in London, aren't you? Yeah. It's quite slow. Is it quicker on the bus? No, no, because it's quite slow. Is it quicker on the bus? No, no, because it's the same traffic, but no bus lane, but no bus lane. Fair enough. That is the quickest it will be. There's literally no quicker way of doing it. And when when does that end? Do you know? I don't know, because they haven't told us. Well, there's some roads been closed for a month.

It's a road works near me Thames water, right, digging up the road. And they're basically moving along this main connecting road that we need to use to get to school and life and train stations and guess how long they're gonna be there for? Six months. No, more. More?

Yeah. A year? More. No, what on the same road? Yeah, the same road, but they're basically just, so the traffic light, it's the same traffic light problem, but where you stop is basically just moves down the road. Yeah, the same road, but they're basically just so that the traffic light that is the same traffic light problem, but where you stop is basically just moves down the road. So it's the same argument. I'm just gonna say it. Yeah. They should

just dig up the whole road at once. There is an argument for that. But what they've decided to do is move it down. So it's the same traffic jam. Yeah, I just moved slowly creeping down the road. It can put between nothing if it's the same traffic jam. Yeah, it just moved slowly creeping down the road. It can put between nothing, if it's not a rush hour period, it's just the middle of the day. It can put nothing, I'll say at least a minute, a minute on your journey or up to 20, okay?

Yeah. And so guess how long that's gonna be there for? Two years. More? No. What's wrong with it? Is this providing you water? It's providing me anger.

There we go. I don't know what they're doing. Two and a half years, two and a half years. That's fucking mental. Well, when I drove past, you know, it always says weeks, work commencing on the sold date for X amount of weeks. I drove past I was like, fucking, I can't do the math. Those guys that work for the same guys, two and a half year Absolutely. I only want to... 100? Does that say over 100? Those guys that work, probably the same guys.

Two and a half year job. And also they do, on some bits where they had the traffic lights on a roundabout, so it was a bit more complicated, there was a man's job. It just sat there with a button, and he was in charge of the traffic lights. Oh my word. To increase the flow.

Oh my god. And by the way on that, that red light that doesn't change on Sundays is still problematic. Now if any new listeners to the pod and Josh probably about a year ago discovered a traffic light that doesn't work near his house on Sundays. People are still jumping on a Sunday. Are you still jumping on a Sunday? Just Sundays? It doesn't work. Just Sundays. It doesn't work. There's a fault, but they haven't done anything about it.

Cause who's reporting it on a Sunday? Yeah, exactly. You here. Exactly, listen to the fucking show. Oh Jesus. Anyway, it's been a stressful period. I don't know if everyone's feeling a bit stressed. It's like the heat.

It's been very hot. And I find as well, the routine of them being in school is disrupted by a million different things. You've got sports days, you've got end of school performances, like all the clubs do one. So if they're in like choir, there's a choir show, if they're learning an instrument, there's an instrument show. Then on top of that, there's a few school trips. I don't know if your daughter's done any school

trips. Yeah, she had sports day. Tomorrow we're doing the Wizard of Oz. We're going to watch the Wizard of Oz. And then on Thursday, they're going to the zoo. And then the following Tuesday, we've got the end of year picnic. So yeah, so the kids are quiet. I think they're a bit tired and aggy. The kids, there's only the last couple of weeks of holidays of term until the holidays. Yeah. And I don't feel anyone's sleeping properly when it's bright like this. It's an end of year feeling. So my daughter's now also got into this thing, which I used to do as a kid. She wakes up first.

So when I get up, she's just gone downstairs to watch TV. Right. Fair enough. Yeah. Fair enough. Very Joshua look at that. But as a kid, yeah, she's watching her own TV. I'd be watching like Transworld Sport or whatever in those days or Cavadi or whatever. But she's watching like, whatever something about a unicorn or a narwhal or whatever the fucking called. Spiky whale. Spiky whale. What

are they? Spiky shark? I don't know what it is. I don't know. Humanity. The fuck is that? Yeah. But it means that she's knocking out a lot of TV before we've even woken up. Do you know what I mean? And I think it's affecting her mood in the mornings. But what am I going to do? Am I realistically going to get up to stop watching TV? Well, I can accept affected mood in the morning. It's affected moving out. So I don't let him have iPads like late afternoon. Right. Because it sends him do lullay. So this is what happened

right on the Saturday because on Saturday, I didn't sleep at all basically. I was up till like four in the morning because I couldn't sleep because of the jet lag. And then I fell asleep at like quarter past four, half four, and then I was so out of it, my eldest come in, can I have my iPad? And I didn't even know what time it was. I was like, yeah, go on then.

It was like six. And then the other one come in and then I fell asleep, woke up, it was quarter to 10. They were just like on their iPads in their bedrooms. I went in and then I fell asleep, woke up, it was quarter 10. They were just like on their iPads in their bedrooms. I went downstairs and it was just, it's like the Mary Celeste that made their own breakfast. It was all stuff out. And I was like, where's this come from?

I've not done this, but my daughter had made her own bagel. They'd had cereal and they were just existing. Yeah. I felt like a sort of like terrible parent that was like showing out on meds. Yeah. And I was just like, I'm sorry, if you've done your breakfast, I showing out on meds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just lying in bed like, and I was just like, I'm sorry, if you've done your breakfast, I'm still on Indonesian time.

Ha ha ha. Got a squirrel in the bird feeder. He's doing me about 10 quid a week on bird feed, nicking all the fucking stuff. I've got them into Chaz and Dave, which is quite fun, the kids. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, they like it because they said they sound like me.

Oh, that's nice. Would you take them to see them? No, because one's dead. Really? Yeah. Oh, that's nice. Would you take them to see them? No, because one's dead. Really? Yeah. Oh, that's a shame. I can't remember which one. It's a shame.

I love chats. I've always wanted to see them. Me and Lou tried to get them for our wedding. Did you? Yeah. Oh, I bet that was expensive. Oh, we did the school fair on Saturday. How was that?

I did the cake store. Nice. Yeah. I said I'm willing to help out, but I refused to do the coconut shy again. It was too painful. Why was that? I did the cake store. Nice. Yeah. I said I'm willing to help out, but I will refuse to do the coconut shy again. It was too painful. Why was that painful? What was the problem with coconut shy? Can you remind me?

It was boiling hot that year. There was no shade. And children kept saying they put a token in the bucket when I didn't feel they had, but I couldn't challenge them on it. You need to. These little shits need talking to. These little shits need some rules. You're basically, suddenly, you're a sporting referee

as opposed to someone that's just selling cakes. It's a much more difficult job. Good feedback, actually. Yeah, selling cakes is like, that's how much it is. You've got the money or you ain't. You're bringing joy. Whereas when you're doing the coconut shire, you're essentially, you're blocking them having a coconut.

Are people making cakes or people shop- shop bought cakes that they're selling? Shout out to Ellie, head of the parents network, made most of the cakes and she does an incredible job on that. Oh right, so they're all homemade? I think so, yeah, yeah, yeah. What price point are you looking at for a cake? Two tokens, tokens a quid. So two quid a cake, what kind of cakes is Ellie looking at? Full range. Name me a cake, it's all there. cake. What kind of cakes is Ellie knocking out? Full range. Name me a cake, it's all there. And she's head of the parent network as well.

She's got five kids. You chatting breeze, bro. No offence to Ellie. What the fuck's wrong with these people? She is. And this is me talking in awe. I'm not having a go at Ellie. I respect Ellie, but how on earth?

Five kids. So she's got a baby, five kids, and she's still cooking all the cakes. She's doing all the cakes to relax. What does she have to do as part of the parents network? How much, like, is she organizing all the stuff all year? Coffee mornings, quiz nights, you know, all that kind of... Have you got any feedback, all that kind of stuff? And I suppose all her kids are going through that school.

Well, the baby's not there yet, obviously. But yeah, I know that that's what I'm saying. She's she's she's spanning a real she's really put the mark on that school over the next sort of 10 to 12 years. Yeah. Jesus. Good on her. Good on her. I honestly, the thought of me doing that. What would have to happen in my life? Yeah. So who's the head of the parents Association? Rob Beckett. Okay.

And he's made all the cakes as a yes he has. And he's cashing up all the tokens at the end and writing it in his book. He's got two kids leaving. And he's had another three kids. So it says a lot about Ellie Ellie. I hope you don't mind just talking about her. She's a hero. She's a hero. So there's two questions here. What makes someone like this, right? That seemingly is on top of everything. Okay, this is the

vibe on getting off Ellie. She's on top of everything. Is she or is this is the public facing image and back home? It's absolute chaos. I don't think it would be possible to have because if it was like that, you just go, do you know what, I'm going to step back from the parents network. Yeah, of course. No one's pressuring you to be in the parents network. So she must enjoy it. So how do you become this person?

Well, because Rob, look at it like this. It is. And we're to a lot of people, Rob, we're overly involved in our children. Right? Do you know what I mean? To a lot of particularly men of a certain age, they would find our involvement in parenting mind blowing. So it's just a passion thing, isn't it? In the way that some people find the time just to sit at home and slag everyone off. Well, you know, Rob, when some people see our tour dates, and

they go, how the hell are you existing like that? Money, I get paid to do it. I love it. To come along. Don't get me wrong, if I weren't getting paid, I'd still gig. What do I do five a week? Probably not.

No, fair enough. Probably have one and put my feet up. But I find, people often say to me, and they'll say it to Ramesh a lot, won't they? And you know, people of our generation, often people of the generation above, I find, will make snidey little comments, naming no names. But I have had it said to me about how much work we do.

What, with the kids or comedy work? Comedy work. So, like I said, working too much? Yeah. From other parents or other comedians? Other comedians. much? Yeah. From other parents or other comedians? Other comedians. Right. Yeah. And I think I really love my work. And so when you get offered something, you go, I want to do that. I'm not going. Yeah. Yes, of course I want to travel to. Yeah, but Josh,

I've had time when I'm not touring, like this year's mentor and I couldn't possibly take on any more sort of school parents association activities. But during lockdown, where I did nothing apart from talk to you once a week, there was no work that was almost 18 months of no work apart from it. And no point did I think I might get involved in the quiz. No, no, Rob, what I'm saying is, for us, yeah, people don't understand why we do so much work and

it's because we enjoy it. This is Ellie's ultimate passion. She loves it. She loves kids. She loves the school. She loves the community. She loves all of that. And so it's no different from people going, why the fuck are you doing so many nights

of the palladium? Can't you just do for because I was joking, obviously, we need money, but I do love the gigs. Why are our aces doing so many gigs? Well, that's a different point. That is the money. But like people say about Taylor Swift, why are you bothering doing all these tour dates? You don't need the money. Yeah, but she fucking loves it. It's just you do the things you if you find something that you absolutely love. Any other people that run the parent association, what are you getting

out of it? Talk me through the bus. Because it's being part of a community. Don't speak for women. Some men run it Rob. No they don't. They get bullied into it by their wives. to it by their wives. I've seen them at the bar on firework night. Having to sell warm cider for eight quid. I don't want to be there. Rob, let's have an email before we go. Give me an email and I've got a really good small business shout out. Switzerland. Oh yes, we've had a really good small business shout out. Switzerland. Oh yes, we've had a lot of negative comments about Switzerland,

so we're trying to look for a bit of balance, aren't we? You didn't enjoy your time in Switzerland. I found them a little bit like stiff, a little bit angry and a little bit love of order. It's been throughout the inbox, we will come to it more as the days go on. Let's just chip away at the amount of emails we've got. Hi Rob, Josh and Michael.

Life in Switzerland is like joining a society where rule one is follow all the rules. Rule two is follow them silently. And rule three is don't screw up your recycling. Read the school drop-off debate. So this was that kids go to school and their parents aren't allowed to take them to school. No, even from five, they have to leave your house and get to school and their parents aren't allowed to take them to school. No, even from five they have to leave your house and get to school on their own.

It's not just a plus that driving your kids to school is basically banned, it's an absolute game changer. My three all go to different schools and they get themselves there and back by foot, by bike, train, sleigh, whatever. I'm presuming sleigh is a joke. The school grounds are never locked up, even if the buildings are. So they meet up with mates, whatever,

make their own plans and crucially, piss off out the house without us having to organize it. We've got no family nearby, so this bit of freedom is pure gold. And so far they always came back, usually because they know where their food comes from. Like most expats here, I originally thought letting your kids walk to school alone was on par with neglect. Now I think UK school drop-offs are an elaborate punishment ritual. Raising kids here means that they were

skiing before they could spell. Use public transport alone by six and have civic pride baked in from kindergarten. The school system actually values apprenticeships. No one really cares who's got a university degree. My kids will happily correct me in three languages if I'm even two minutes late. Arrogant? Maybe. But capable human beings will certainly want to move out at 18 and be able to afford it by themselves, definitely. Keep it relatable. Well, that last bit wasn't relatable, but not too sexy. John from Klingnow.

Now, to be fair, that all sounds brilliant. That was brilliant from John. If it is the case, and that's all amazing, then why are they all such miserable bastards when they're adults then? Well, there you go, Rob. The rules, where do the rules come from? If that's all free and easy and loose

and get on the school and do that and you know what I mean? Or do they get to 18 and if they're on half they move out? Well, I was at my friend's house the other day, Rob, and they live two roads away from their school and their nine-year-old was just finishing school and he said, oh, I should go and get her in a minute. And to be honest, if I don't she'll just walk home. The freedom when he said it was incredible. What is this in London? Devon. Devon

that's different yeah. Yeah and you did go that is mad not to have your day dictated like that do you know what it is what it is. I do think it's good for kids to get to school to and from themselves but. I mean it'd be impossible it'd to get to school to and from themselves, but... I mean, it'd be impossible. It'd be impossible where you live. Could you write in if you live in rural Switzerland? This is all well and good if you live in a city. All Switzerland's rural, isn't it? Well, yeah, exactly. But like, if you live in the middle of nowhere,

are you allowed to or is your child having to kind of... In a snowstorm, just wander about. What's the distance children are expected to cover on their own also other school runs in other countries as well let us know if it's different elsewhere yeah in america have to go through metal detectors yeah god small business you go first because i've lost the letter that accompanied this hi rob justin michael please could you give a small business shout out to my husband's brand ruler of London. Here we go, Josh. This is, this is for us. It's a clothing brand for men under five foot 10.

Oh, quality essentials like teas, polos and sweatshirts actually cut to fit. You've mentioned on the podcast, the height of the average man is just under five foot 10. So this isn't exactly niche. He started out frustration years of ordering clothes online from the high street and then always turn up too long or just look wrong. I've never, and I mean this, not had to turn up a pair of jeans. I'm yet to buy a pair of jeans that I haven't had, when I say turn up, get turned up. Taken up. Everything is designed to

look best on six foot models. If you're under five foot ten you can finally buy clothes that fit straight out of the box. He started it when I was pregnant with our first son, just with t-shirts. Now we've got two boys under three and the range has grown bit by bit alongside full-time jobs. I'm so proud of him. The feedback has been brilliant. Loads of shorter men finally finding clothes they look good in. He just needs more people to know it exists.

Most of our evenings are now spent packing up orders whilst taking it in turns to resettle at least one of the boys. So life feels a bit mad at the moment. We're both long time listeners and love the podcast. Thanks for keeping me going through the broken nights. The Instagram is ruleroflondon and website ruleroflondon.com. There you go.

Thanks so much, Clemmie Norvena, living in London, 403 months. There we go. There we go. Hello from Falmouth Cornwall. I design illustrated journals and I've got them here Rob because I can't remember how I received this but almost always these ones are like left at theater

when we get them aren't they? So thank you for this. It's a lovely baby memory book. So this is a lovely hardback baby memory book that works for all families. No mention of pregnancy, mum or dad, just thoughtfully worded prompts that you work whether you're an expectant couple,

same sex parents or adopting. Full of unique illustrations that help track milestones plus quirky memories, e.g. bathroom disasters. You can also add a personal touch with foiled text on the front cover, little one makes the perfect pre-baby One Makes the Perfect Pre Baby Gift. It is a lovely book. My newest book is a creative journal,

which is great entertainment for older kids. It is filled with playful drawing and writing activities to spark their imagination and keep a record of any adventures they have had in a fun and unique way. Find everything at Leela Journals or Leila Journals. It's L-I-L-L-A journals.com. There's a code, there's a 20% off code, hell 20. Me and my mom and sister have been laughing along

since lockdown days. Thank you for brightening our walks, gardening sessions and train journeys. Say sexy and relatable Ellie. And she says, please help these two books find a home and I will. They are absolutely beautiful things. Thank you Ellie.

And thank you to everyone that keeps supporting our small businesses. Cheers guys we'll see you next time I'll try get some sleep. You go to bed. Oh god I can't. I've got a man come in with a robot lawnmower to install. You get one of those robot lawnmowers? Yeah. I can't wait to hear about that. I think it might be a disaster.