Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S11 EP14: Break Glass In Emergency

Episode Date: September 30, 2025

A slight technical issue that is being fixed means the usual Tuesday episode will be incoming a bit later today... In the meantime here's some of our favourite guests from the Parenting Hell archives and we'll have the latest episode uploaded imminently... Episode Playlist: ⁠Joe Wilkinson (S5 EP36)⁠  Listen to Joe’s brilliant podcast Chatabix ⁠HERE⁠  ⁠Fearne Cotton (S5 EP24)⁠ ⁠Dan Schreiber (S5 EP34) ⁠ ⁠Omid Djalili (S6 EP38)⁠ ⁠Natalie Cassidy (S6 EP52) ⁠ Listen to Nat’s brilliant podcast ‘Life with Nat’ ⁠HERE⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Conditions apply, visit your local Volvo retailer or go to explorevolvo.com. Hello, I'm Rob Beckett And I'm Josh Whittickham Welcome to Parents in Hell The show in which Josh and I discuss What it's really like to be a parent Which I would say can be a little tricky

So to make ourselves and hopefully you Feel better about the trials and tribulations Of modern day parenting Each week, we're chatting to a famous parent About how they're coping Or hopefully how they're not coping And we'll also be hearing from you The listener with your tips, advice

And of course, Tales of Parenting Woe Because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing. Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Whitakum and you're listening to Now that's what I call parenting hell.

Hello, Joe Wilkinson, you're right. Sorry, I really feel like, no, I want to say that. Well, I feel really feel like I need to belch. Oh, okay. Burp if you need to, Joe. No, I'm not burping on your podcast. You're in the bloody, you're one of the biggest podcasts in the country. You deserve better.

I'll do it off, Mike. it's um it's um about parenting so we we're experts in burping you're right i just broke my radiator fuck you're right just kick my radiators sorry sorry you're right joe yeah sorry i need to belch and i broke the real you need to belch flipping hell i've never had this before fucking i've got heartburn

oh god i've never had this before at the start of pop what have you eaten this morning I've had a sausage Just at this own A cold sausage That was left over from yesterday Right I can't go I genuinely can't go on

Until I've burped I'm gonna go on air God it feels like a dangerous burp Like Why don't you get some renties You're right I think I've got heart burn And I need to burp

You've got pins and needles In your arm Don't I'm at the age Where that is a worry No I'm fine I'm fine. Think of the numbers, Josh.

If he has a heart attack on air, you're all right? God, that'll get you up the charts, wouldn't it? Not you need it, you a pair of bastards. Anyway. Sorry, that's done. God, that really scared me a second, that didn't. You're right? Yeah, just, I felt like I've developed heartburn, I think, in the last few weeks.

And Joe Leicitt sent me a really long message telling me how to sort it. It was, I think, it's one of the sweetest messages. he gave me a blow by blow how to how to control my heartburn we need to get that sorted anyway well joe welcome to the show fully it's full welcome um parenting hell and you so you haven't got you've got a stepson is that right yes i've got a step son and a step granddaughter oh grandad joe step granddad step granddad step grandad jo yes yes and how old is your step son uh he's 36 wow and Step-granddaughter is eight. So this is my question to you, Joe.

Mm-hmm. You are someone who I'd say is quite... Hot. They overthink their own... They overthink everything they do. Yeah. Thank you. What lovely thing.

Quite self-critical. Quite self-critical. Yeah? Is that fair? I think that's the fairest thing you've ever said and you've said some fair things in your time. So I can't imagine you turning off yourself.

criticism and just playing? I do, weirdly. Do you? Is that when you finally, when you finally let loose? Yeah, the curtains are drawn, obviously. Yeah, it's weird, yeah. I've never really thought about it. But yeah, it's just, it's, um, is it the real me?

I wonder. It's let lose a part of you. Well, it's, it's sort of playing games. stuff and you it's fun isn't it and you go no you can't you can't worry who's watching because you can't you can't stop the plan and going hold on I I'm riddled with insecurities and where do they come from good question I guess I'm very thin arms and I was incredibly self-conscious about me up until the age of I guess even now I'd okay she's gone she's gone

That's a good thing with playing with kids though, isn't it? Because you can just let loose and be silly And no one can judge it if you're playing with a kid Fantastic, yeah You sort of want to be able to do that with your mates still Even though you're older, but you can't I don't want to do that with my mates, Rob I'm not to you

I want to have the relationship I have with my friends Aziz I do not want to play a game Where we have to first one to the dishwasher No, I don't want to play that I don't want to play that with Simon and Tim. David, David, I've got this idea. I'd watch you to do that.

I would make sure that never hit YouTube, never. That's a very good question. I'd never thought about that. Yeah, completely let loose. It is me at my freest, probably. Is it? Yeah, probably, yeah. Fuck, that's really left me cold.

I'm sorry. Wow, I feel sick Do you think of the games Or does your step-grandfather Does she think of like And then you pan along You just sort of a person to be marched around Yeah, I am marched around

My other half is Sort of ink Like She She adores Petra And I'm a play thing Petra's your other half Yeah, Petra's my other half

her grandma. Yeah. She adores her like, you know, not even close to, you know, I'm like second fiddle beyond that, obviously. But, but she knows that she has complete and utter control over me. You know, like it's, like she knows she could, she sensed weakness very early on. And she, she, um, she abuses that weakness to, uh, to the full extent. So.

I've been on people on panel shows that are like that. Yeah. I think it's quite easy to talk over Joe I think it's quite easy to talk over Joe So if Joe goes in for a bit That's when you should And this is people's agents If you really want to get some stuff in

The best advice I can give you Is when they turn to Joe, get in Because he will crumble Yeah, so yeah, I'm weird. basically so yeah I'm running about basically and going okay they do they do get a bit clever at eight they go beyond being little kids to quite manipulative in sort of a sweet way and do you found yourself trying to sort of winner winner over I feel like I I feel like the relationship is going to is fixed now like I'm sort of I've won her over but I'm also like

have no control of anything that happens in my isn't you respect you if you say don't do something I can't imagine Imagine you telling off a kid. Well, if Petcher's in sight, yeah. You know what I mean? Because she sort of understands that I can go, Petra, I'm going to need you to stop that happening. Yeah, because I have no authority.

I've never, I've never, have you ever had, like, someone work for you, like, have you had a job? Because have you both just done comedy, really? No, no, no, I've done jobs, but I've always been... You've been the underling. I've been the underling. I've never got to a position of... I've never been in a position of power.

No, I haven't. And I wonder what that's like, because I wonder if it's something that you can learn if you've sort of... If you have to, if you suddenly start running your own business or something. But I wonder if I could ever be taken seriously. Like, I do genuinely wonder if, like, I'd... If I ran...

like a proper company, I wonder if, like, the factory staff would still just walk past me. Yeah, yeah. Fuck off, mate. But I can, I think I can have you fired.

Yeah, go on then. But I really want you to like me. So I think I'll just lose money this year. I'll just lose money. It's fine. Because we have tour managers, when you have a tour manager, that sort of someone working for you,

slash with you. But I find that quite awkward because, like I say, never been like that where, you sort of tell someone like not what to do but you are going oh i want to do this like and you're sort of i'm sort of paying you to manage my tour and on this tour i want to leave tomorrow at eight a m however that involves you having to get up and drive me at eight a m fuck yeah that's true do you want to do that or not but actually i need you to do that because i've got

to be in london at that time so it's awkward yeah the thing about like agents and stuff like that they because we're because i think i can speak for all three of us we're cowards basically and I imagine you've occasionally gone I really need to leave at 8.30 for that so I'll just quickly talk to Jason whoever your agent is and go can you quickly send and just say

I'll need to be I need to be gone by 830 because you don't want the proper yeah you don't want to direct it's pathetic isn't it but anyone who's straightforward about things like that you respect don't you if someone comes to you and go

Rob, I'm going to need you there at 830, sorry, because we're going to be, we need to be on the road by 9. You don't go, who the fuck are you? No, it's fair. No, fair enough, I've got all the information I need and I will be there at 8.30. Whereas me and you two go, oh, okay, now, I can't ask someone to be there at 8.

That means they'll have to get up at 8. I can't be the person who's made them get up at 8. Fuck off. It's your tour. Yeah. And they'll have no problem with getting up at 8. Yeah, it's all in our own heads, isn't it? Pathetic.

Of course, it is pathetic. I'll include you to, you pathetic bars. Pathetic little tortoise. See, Joe, this is the real you. Not the you that's going to the running to the dishwasher. No, God. No, it feels good to be back. Thanks, guys.

I needed that. Hello, my name's Joe Wilkinson, and I do a podcast with David Earl. It's called Chatsbix. Chatterbix is a podcast magazine and chat show, isn't it? Yeah. We're on three times a week. We have loads of guests, special guests, surprise guests.

Can I read some of the highlight? Yeah? Interviewing a Red Arrow pilot. Visiting a haunted house. Chatting with Ricky Jervase, Harry Hill, James A. Custer and Catherine Ryan, amongst others. Backstage at the Blurrador concert at Wembley. And I met my hero, Angie Rochford, and I cried. So that's Chattermix.

That's Chattervick. D-H-A-T-A-B-I-X, Chattervix. Josh, do you want to lead? Phone Cotton, hello. We do that every time. It's like, Sir Rob goes to under the internet. It's like, I literally say hello. That was the intro, hi.

Well, there's an intro beforehand. I don't need two intros. No, I think it's embarrassing if you sit there while we go, Furn Cotton is a star of radio and television. As I vomit on the floor. How are you? Yeah, I'm good, actually. I'm really good.

I feel like a greyhound at the start of a race. I'm about to be let out. I've got so much to talk about all sorts. And also, just. Just, I love your podcast. So I've got, this could almost be a sort of, like, back in the day, I did extra factor, like the extra bit of X factor. I feel like I could do an extra show of parenting hell.

Parenting hell is the kind of really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I could do that and have guests on and we discussed what you've said. I could do that. Do you know what, don't rule it out, Fern. Don't rule it out. Oh, that would be terrifying. So we're just going to talk about, you know, the Rob saying he had the shits last week.

No, do you know what was really making me happy? So I haven't drunk in, like, properly, had, like, more than a drink. So I haven't had multiple drinks in the same day for about five years because of being a parent and I just don't want to feel like shit. But the other day, I had an accidental drunken evening with my five best mates from school. that they're like my crew and we went for a casual dinner that went very wrong

and the next day I had a lengthy drive home and I was listening to the hangover special episode and it was like there was like a visceral resonance to everything like Josh even like the tone of your voice it was everything I was like

oh thank you thank you Josh I don't know if I said the episode, because I don't remember really, is we were recording at 10am and did I say that I woke up fully clothed on my bed? Yeah, yeah, we had it all.

I don't remember saying that. Absolutely shit. Yeah, you sounded awful. You were like seriously parched. There was very little liquid in that hotel room. The fire alarm was going off. It was brilliant. I actually felt really good about my hangover in comparison to yours.

I'm glad I could bring that to you. You did. Your USP, Josh, is making people feel better about their lives, which is terrible for you. You do it so well. It comes so naturally. Let's hope I never find happiness. The whole country will be in trouble. Ferd, how many kids have you got for the uninitiated?

What's the kids set up? Well, I cover all areas here, the full spectrum. So we go, we'll start with my stepson, who's 20. He's a man, actual man. Actual 6'3 man. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's a whole thing. And then Lola, my stepdaughter, who's 17.

Then we go down to Rex, my son who's nine, and then my daughter who's seven. So we've got a whole cross-section going on. So how old were your stepkids when you first sort of met them and entered their lives? Five and nine. Five and nine. So you've seen them from being little, and now he is just a massive bloke. Yeah, yeah.

Like that's the crazy thing. Especially with Lola, she was this tiny, cute little blonde, five-year-old, adorable. And now she's towers over me, can't fit in my shoes. She's like a woman. It's just the whole thing is mad. Oh, wow. And do you, when you've got a 20-year-old stepson, are you still the step-mom? Are you now kind of almost just a kind of a mate?

Do you know what I mean? I'm not cool enough to be a mate. I mean, there's still that sort of thing. No. When it's your kids or step-kids. you can't impress them. It is impossible. So I am just some sort of...

You must be a cool mum for it, surely. If you're not, what hope have we got? No, no. The rule stands for everyone. I am just an embarrassment and I can't impress them. I try and impress my stepkids. I'm like, would this be a cool thing to admit

that I've interviewed this person? Literally not interested. So no, I'm definitely not in mate territory. I'm still tragic. step-mom, really trying to be cool. But also, I'm writing this, on it, that their granddad is one of the coolest men in the world, right?

Yeah, they do think he's cool, but he's like next level cool, so that's you know, that's a grandmother from Rolling Stones. Oh, yes. Ronnie Wood. So your, so however edge are your story is about going for a few drinks with your mates are, Ronnie Wood

can really touch the sides. Won't touch the sides. He can quite literally trump any story that I tell. Does he do normal granddad things? Or is he not? Is it sort of a different kind of role? Yeah, sometimes. I mean, he's got, this is the other, our family is quite intense.

So he's got five-year-old twins. So my, my husband, who's 46, has got five-year-old sisters. And Arthur, who's 20, has got aunties that are five. Wow. Oh, my God. It's like Game of Thrones. It is like Game of Thrones. It really is.

It's quite extraordinary. So, yeah, there's a lot to get your head around. Game of stones. It's really good. You've peaked five minutes in. We're doomed. I'll tap out now. Joshy crack on a bit.

That'll do me for the day. Do the step kids help with the younger kids? We're doing an honest podcast. Lola does. No, Lola does. Lola is really good. Arthur is in his last year of uni at Newcastle. He's having the time of his life,

looking after his small siblings is not on the agenda it's not high on the priority list but Lola is very helpful she'll babysit for us occasionally and she is just a very helpful person so yes one of them does but I'm not dissing Arthur live on a podcast

Arthur is an amazing amazing young man and I love him he's just got other things on his agenda right now when I was 20 there was no way I would have looked after a young kid absolutely not no way would you rob are you right what's happened there right No, absolutely not. I've just dropped something. That's my wedding ring.

That sounds bad, isn't it? That's ominous, yeah. I mean, Soho alone, let's lose it. Yeah, no, at 20, you don't want to be looking after young kids. I mean, it's hard enough for us when there are kids, so why would he want to do that with his siblings, no? So at one point, did you have teenagers in the house and then newborn babies? Small kids, yeah. There was a very intense period where Honey was a newborn, Rex was two,

Lola was probably 10, I can't do the maths or a bit older, and Arthur was a teenager. I mean, it was, I don't know how we did it. Like, I look back, and we take all four on holiday still every year. Like, that is an absolute must. We've done it consistently for the last 12 years. That's not a holiday. No, why that?

No, because they all want to do different things, I imagine, don't know? Where'd you go? Where are you going on holiday to keep them all happy? Do you know what? We do a lot of Ibitha, because it does cover everyone. Arthur can go out on the piss. Lola can have nice little meals with us.

The little ones have got a nice beach. So that's sort of, but it is every, like we'll be getting up super early still because obviously there's no line on a holiday and we wanna go to the beach, but then Arthur gets up and we're sort of having lunch. It's just, yeah, it doesn't work. Yeah, it's a spread, isn't it?

That's the problem. Yeah, it's really hard. So how does it work now? So Arthur's at uni. Yeah. And sorry, how old did you say Rex and Honey are now? Five and seven. Rex is, no, Rex is nine and honey seven.

Nine and seven. They're good ages, nine and seven, I'm really enjoying. Yeah. Yeah, it feels like I'm probably getting, because your kids are a lot, well, not a lot younger, but they're younger. So it's still quite a lot of practical stuff, isn't there? I think I'm just coming out of that now.

So it's less labor intensive, but they haven't got the attitude yet. Reading, playing, learning. Stellist lenses do more than just correct your child's vision. They slow down the progression of myopia. So your child can continue to discover all the world has to offer through their own eyes. Light the path to a brighter future with stellar lenses for myopia control. Learn more at SLOR.com.

And ask your family eye care professional for SLR Stellist lenses at your child's next visit. Well, Rex is on the cusp at 9. Oh, ready, yeah. Rex is on the cusp. He's 10 in the new year. We're hurtling towards that team thing and there's some sort of hormonal stuff probably going on.

We're on the cusp, you know, you know, there's like, you're an idiot, that sort of thing going on. You're an idiot. How'd you deal with that? Are you... Oh, not well. No.

Not well. Who likes that I don't like being called an idiot? I hate being called an idiot. No, I don't deal with it well. I don't deal with it well. I don't deal with any of it well. And it depends, doesn't it? Like, some days when you're not tired,

you feel like, yeah, I can really cope with the emotional hurdles here. And then other days you just think, I'm locking myself in a cupboard. I can't deal with it. It's hard. But I think, you know, the worst is yet to come, probably. Well, that's good. That's a nice way of looking at it.

And that must be weird, because you've kind of lived those teenage years once. So you kind of know what you've got coming up, right? Yeah, but do you know what? My stepkids navigated teenhood. really brilliantly. There weren't many huge problems, and there wasn't that much attitude,

like obviously just the usual dose, but nothing extreme. So I think I got off quite lightly with Arthur and Lola. That's good. So you're about to get your comeuppance? Yeah, they've always sort of, we've never had a set thing.

They've just sort of come and gone whenever. It's always been quite a loose arrangement. So we've had them for two days, we've had them for two months. You know, it's been quite, sort of, oh, we'll have them for this period and then, you know, obviously I'm at uni now. And then Lola's 17. So she just sort of, she's been with us this last week, which has been really lovely. But yeah, it's now they're that bit older. It's more, they've got,

I guess, a bit more autonomy. So they hang out with us when they want to. Versus when they were tiny, it was a lot more about who was practically doing what. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the lovely thing is, and I'm so grateful for this, all four kids get on so well and there's no half sibling about it they're just siblings and that's been you know i think really important for me and jesse is that they all feel like they're just siblings and it's just one big chaotic family and everyone's adjusted over the years really well to all the changes and they just all get on that's so good isn't it yeah that is that is nice i think that the idea of because when like to go on holiday with all four of them

was there a point when you thought Arthur's going to dapp out of this because he's, do you know when you're 20 you're like, oh, do I want to go on the family holiday? Of course he does. He wants a free holiday. He's not ditching out on the family holiday just yet. He's getting a lovely free holiday.

Fair enough. Fair enough. When you're your stepkids, is it like, do you not get as involved with sort of telling them off or setting boundaries or sort of, is it a little bit more passive? Yeah, that's been really tricky, actually.

I've definitely found that one hard. I think because their love and respect for you isn't a given. Whereas with your kids, you know, at the end of the day, if they fall over and hurt themselves or someone's being mean, they will run to you because it's just an instinctive thing. Whereas I think with your stepkids, for me personally, I've definitely had a bit more insecurity like, oh, if I say that, are they going to really hate my guts

and how do I make it up to them or recover from that? So I have found that really tricky to navigate. and it's something I've talked to Jesse a lot about. And he's always been like, no, you know, treat them the same as Rex and Honey. But I have definitely found that quite hard, quite a tricky concept. Yeah. Have you ever tripped yourself up by trying to be too friendly and like, I'll get you this, you know, sort of trying to like bribe them and win them over?

Oh, yeah. Of course I have. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah, there was a lot of that in the early days. Buy your way in. Buy your way in. Yeah, buy your way in. Also, because it was an absolute novelty. Like, when I first met Jesse, I'd never date anyone with kids before.

So I was like, oh my God, this is so fun. This is just, we're going to go like to giraffe for lunch and go bowling. And, you know, I've never done all that stuff before. I've been like on the piss for 10 years consistently. So that was a real novelty. And I think then, you know, as that gets very real and you're like, oh my God, I actually am responsible for these children for a certain portion of the year. and also I need to sort of be here to help guide them if they need me in life.

I think that's where you start to go, oh, okay, this isn't just a novelty. This isn't just sort of me taking them to giraffe for lunch. There's actually, there's like a lot. There's more to it. There's more to parenting the giraffe. Supposedly. Welcome to the podcast, Anne Schreiber. Hello. Thanks for having me, guys.

We are very excited to have you, Dan. Well, I've not seen you for ages. We've gig together years ago, and then you've gone on to massive success with no such things as a fish podcast. Do you still do stand up, Dan? No, I haven't done it. I do it as part of the podcast because we do live shows and we have a first half. So I sort of put a bit together for that.

But you and I, we were actually flatmates in Edinburgh many years ago for about a week period. It was like a week. Where was that? Which one was that? Could I just say, I've never been more pleased the cameras are on? because Beckett's confused face at that point it didn't blow my mind.

How do I not know you as my flat, mate? Fuck! Was it that Hills Jay goes flat? No, no. I was staying with Eric Lampere and Reese James and Lloyd Griffiths and you came and you just crashed on our floor for a week. Yes, I remember that yet.

So do you, do you? I do now, but basically Lloyd was up there and staying with you and Reese. But I remember I just slept on Lloyd's floor for five nights, but I was pissed for five. days because I didn't do a gig. I just came up on a jolly. And I remember now, seeing you sort of in the kitchen. Did I give you any money for that? No, I don't think so. No. And there's always been a mystery about this house. There was, I remember coming home one day. I think this was in the period

when you were staying with us where I went to the bathroom. And up by the bathroom, there was a sort of like hand towel bit just by the sink where you can, you know, wipe your hands. I was looking at it one day and it was just smeared in shit. Like just flat out someone had white. their ass on it, but then just put it back. I blame Lloyd. That is unbelievable. Sorry, I need to apologise because... Well, because of the towel. No, so I think the problem me and

Lloyd had in the world of comedy was we're not geysers in our world of Grimsby and South East London. We're the lovey-dovey. So we sort of assume that we aren't being that badly behaved but then I think actually we were awful. Well, I'm sorry, but if in Grimsby

wiping your ass on a towel and putting it back is the lovey-dovey world, then... No, they save the tale for best in Grimsby. Anyway, Dad, it's great to see you again after show the flat that I forgot about for five nights. Is it flatmates if it's five nights, though? I think so. Well, if I meet someone, I tend to say they're friends. Like, Josh, I've only bumped into you twice, and I'll say, my friend Josh.

Like, I just do that. Why not? Why not? The fact you know, you've bumped into me twice. You've got an encyclopedic knowledge of when you met people. Rob did sleep on your floor for five days, so you should know that. So, Dan, can you introduce us to your... How many children have you got? Let's get this out first and foremost before we crack on.

I have three kids, and I heard my third kid 12 days ago. Oh, my word. I'm fresh. Yeah, third time, it doesn't get any easier. I've worked out. No, who knew? That's good to know, because when you've got two, you sort of think, well, we're so good at it now.

What's another one? Yeah. All the stuff that I forgot is just come back, the sleepless nights that I thought, God, were they this bad last time? And I spoke to a friend, and they said, yeah, you were this out of it the other time as well. Oh my God. It just doesn't get easier. But now you've got two little ones to deal with as well at the same time. And they're sleeping patterns. And so I've got a five year old, a two and a half year old, and then now a 12 day old. So told me through the last 12 hours of your life from

11 p.m. last night to now. You're sure there's not just shit on your tail and you're thinking is to from the flat? Okay. So the first thing I forgot happens is that you dread the night in a way where the lack of sleep becomes so great that when you first wake up for the the first feed, and it's something like 2 a.m. You kind of go, thank God it's 2 a.m. At least we're a bit into the evening. Last night was the horror of waking up and discovering it was 10.30 p.m. and already feeling that good. And being like, fuck. And so yeah, it was a long one last night. And then we've got two kids who still come into our bed all the time. And so we're dealing with this kind of jigsaw piece of how do we, because we have Kit, my new son, in the bed next

to us. New son. My latest son. My new one. My new EP, my new drive. Is it right you're promoting him on this, yeah? That's what you're plugging. I've got this new son, Kit, yeah. He's available to you babysat at any time. I mean, the reason we tried for a third kid is because we wanted a little girl. We thought that'd be really nice.

Oh, that's good for him to hear in a few years, isn't it? Yeah, I hope he comes back to these shows. I understand how loved he is. It's quite funny, actually, because we went and we got a private scan to see if it was boy or girl, and we hadn't told the person doing the sky. if that we'd had kids before and so she did this big thing where it was a big reveal with lights the whole room went blue and I know it was like a real kind of like 4D experience but she went it's a boy and both me and finella just went oh fuck

she was yeah so confused are you going to go for a fourth then continue the hunt for no well god no give it a couple of years chase it down I know, because we'll forget, you're right. We will forget and then just go again and then have another boy. But you're so positive and relaxed, Dan. Because, like, yeah, we've met, obviously with flatmates, but... Obviously, we're flatmates. Obviously, that goes without saying.

That goes without saying that we were flatmates. Get out with flatmates. The old shit smear sisters, you know, me, Beckett and Shrive. That old Sheds, Beckett and Shriver. Back on the sofa again. But whenever I come away from gigging with you, I'm like, I feel happier now because I've been in the company Dan Triber. So how are you still this jolly with a 12-day old son?

Yeah, no, I guess that's just my way of being really. I'm fairly happy. I really related when I've been reading and listening in sort of like, I'll listen to a chapter and then go back and read bits of your book, parenting hell. And there's so much I relate to, particularly the chapters with both your wives talking about the relationship that you guys have with your kids

versus the relationship within the family household. It's exactly the same thing. That makes me worried for you, Dan. Yeah, well. But I know where you're at, so I'm there. That's the same. We're all in the shit. So let's rejoin you.

It's 10.30 p.m. Yeah. You've just woken up for the first time. Yeah. How long did it take to get back to sleep? So first was because we're bottle feeding my son because we had the most chaotic of mastitis cases my wife had in our first child. Well, that's brutal mastitis.

Yeah, man. Like she has it to a level where doctors are like, I've never heard it this bad whenever we talk about it in midwives. It ended up in surgery. Oh. She had an abscess that formed in her breast had to be taken out. It was horrific. Can I do a quick ignorant bloke thing here? What's my status?

Is that something to do with the nipple when breastfeeding? Yeah. It's the milk ducks. They get clogged up. And it's breastfeeding generally. It can happen with multiple things. But yeah, it's when breastfeeding turns into a nightmare. And a lot of women suffer from it.

That's a great Channel 5 show, isn't it, when breastfeeding turns into a nightmare? Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. So we bottle feed now. So the first thing at 10.30 is the negotiation. Who's doing the feed to begin with? And that's a quick negotiation because I lose.

I have to do it. Actually, Funella will do the sort of like 2 a.m. and the 4 a.m. The real hardcore ones. I shouldn't complain about that. It's the hardcore session, that isn't it? Yeah. I mean, they really are as well. Those 10 p.m. 6 a.m. pussy slots.

That you're strolling around in tribes. Sorry, pussy slots. sounded disgusted. Is this kind of stuff you do on those such rings of fish with the QI guys? Yeah, this is, yeah, can't wait to get you on.

But no, I mean, that's kind of what it is, right? There's not much story to tell. You just get up, you feed, and you get back into bed, and he's really kind of, the burping, I thought I'd nailed. I thought two kids now, I'd nailed how to do that,

but it's just, they've each got their own ways. Fuck burping. Yeah, man. It's impossible. Yeah. I just don't believe it's, possible and anyone that can do it is just flu they were just going to burp anyway

you've just fluked it I just don't believe it's a lie I think it's a lie really Winding's a lie yeah this is my moon landings this is the uh this is a hill I'm gonna die on I just can't do it can you do it no I sort of they looked uncomfortable

so you sort of like lean them on your your hand and then rub their back and I sort of agreed I was like I more did it to show Lou that I was trying yeah exactly As I was doing it, I was like, this is, this, I've never had to do that as an adult to burp. No. And they're just little adults, isn't they? To a point.

Yeah. Yeah, okay. To a point. Every child's a little adult, right? Do you find, though, Dan, because obviously it's your third, like when you say it's quite, obviously it's labour intensive getting up in the night and you're tired, but it's quite easy. But then do you think that's just because you're not psychologically worrying about it? Because you're more relaxed because you've had to already.

Yeah, I'm way more relaxed this time. The first two, I was convinced that he would stop breathing in the middle of the night. So I found it impossible to go asleep. We'd have to check him every two seconds. I've lost that bit to an extent now. But I'm definitely a nervous dad. I think mainly because I'm just really shit in life. That idea that we're looking after a tiny little vulnerable child.

And he came three weeks early, this one. So he's tiny. My whole thing is once they get to that size where they feel unbreakable, then you can relax a bit. But when they're still floppy, it's just nerve-wracking. Yeah. Oh, like a baby, sort of tiger loaf size. you know that tiger break just that sort of like along the arm rather than like a little sort of floppy underbaked tiny French dick

yes exactly quite bulky and solid then I can relax a bit more yeah agreed welcome to the podcast Omidjinelli very excited Omid children talk to me how many have you got how old are they I have three children and they are all in their 20s

all grown up yeah they're older now Does that feel like you're out the woods is the right word to use? Do you feel like each day you're still a parent? You know, is it playing on your mind as much as it does? He's out the woods. He's started a logging company. It's deforestation that's going on there. That's a very good question.

You know, most comics, when you have children, and I became like a paid comic when my daughter, my first child's daughter, when she was about two and a half, around 1997, 98, and then I had two more kids. So I had three kids by 2000. So I was doing jonglers, I was doing all those gigs. And comics usually talk about their children. Like, as you grow with that comic, they talk about my children now three, four.

Then you realize comics do it because their children are a tax deduct. While other money managers are holding, dynamic is hunting. Seeing past the horizon, investing beyond the benchmark, because your money can't grow if it doesn't move. Learn more at dynamic.ca slash active Commodities We're happy to do that because it saves us some money because it's part of our, you know, part of our job and our material but it is very difficult.

I think we should talk about that because how old are your kids? Now your kids are... Five and seven. Okay, so five and seven, Rob and Josh. Two and five. Okay, all right. So look, this is when I was starting now, it's very, very difficult.

And I had so many experiences of coming home. lake picking up early yeah actually that's not good for you i mean i remember there was a journey i came back from liverpool and i had to be home had to drive home from liverpool because there was something i had to do at the school and i had to pick up my kid you know there's always so i'm driving back and you know that bit of the m6 there are no lights and around wolverhampton there were lots of lights yeah on the m6 and i was so tired i was hallucinating i when i felt the reflections from the lights and it looked like there were pterodactyls flying at me so as i'm driving along i'm slapping myself to keep myself awake and kind of going yeah slap and then i saw this

terra dactyl and i ducked a few times i just started ducking and then this blue light come on and the police took me to one side they said so do you know how fast you were going i said look i'm a comic i'm trying to get home i'm tired was i going 90 100 he goes no you were doing 10 miles an hour in the middle lane oh no oh my god and he goes we were next to you driving for about 30 seconds and i could see it was only when you ducked he must be i suddenly ducked i said did you see the taradaxels as well and they said breath paralyze them so they breathalized me and then they said you're just tired and actually to give the police credit they said follow us we're going to take you to a service station we want you to sleep yeah just sleep and then i slept and unfortunately i slept till six and

I missed the thing and everyone was upset with me. But actually, you realize to be a dad, to have a family. And if you're going to have a family, you want to be a good dad. You want to raise your kids well. It is really taxing on the body. So I remember I actually developed this problem called sleep apnea. Sleep apnea will have to sleep with a sleep machine. And you have a mask on.

And of course, the kids would think it was funny. So my young son, age five, would come in as I'm waking up. and he'd lift the mask off my face. And of course, the machine goes into overdrive. You go, and it goes like that. And he goes, let's go. He goes, hits my face. I go, and I look back and I just thunk the leg of a child running away.

You know, and I think that you never got any sleep. That was the one thing. And that's, I started getting acid reflux because I was sleeping. And then I remember once coming home, then I got home two, three in the morning. And I ordered a pizza. And I watched television with a pizza. And my daughter came down at age seven. woke me up at 6.30 and said, you're a disgrace.

Because I'd fully sleep with my clothes. And I think BBC 2 was raging. There was something I was watching. And I had like, Pete's all over my beard. I remember she just learned the word. She goes, you're a disgrace. And I said, how do you learn the word disgrace? Who taught you?

Did your mum teach you that? Who taught you the word disgrace? So one thing people don't get is actually it is physically taxing. But I'm very proud that actually if you put the time in, my kids in their 20s and they're all actually doing quite well. and I like all three of them now. So actually, it is a balance. In life, life is always a balance about your quality of life, your career, your family life.

And if one of them drops, all three of them drop. So I'm very proud and happy that I did spend a bit of time in my kids because I actually like them. I actually like my kids. That's a weird thing in their 20s. You're both adults, right? It's quite a good way of thinking I like them is because obviously you then have a relationship with them where they're on a kind of level with you.

You're not like, oh, they're a five-year-old or, oh, they're going through the teenage years or, oh, they're, you know, dealing with this. It's like, these people are grown-ups. Would I be friends with these people? And they're going to overtake us and be in charge of us. They're much better. They're already way, way ahead of us. And I have to tell you that on the one hand, I have a daughter and two boys, and the two boys

are now, as they were growing up, I'm showing them pictures of myself when I was their age. And they look exactly like, I mean, I used to have hair, and I used to be thinner. And so they look at me and they're thinking, wow, if we looked like this guy when he was like 19-20, I said, yeah, this is what you're going to look like. And they are so horrified, so when they used to come home and I'd be sat in my pants watching telly with my legs up and then come in there goes, what are you doing? I said, I'm being you in 30 years' time. This is you. And they are so horrified that they are going to look like me. And so we have that relationship.

But another thing I will say, as they're all adults. now and I listen to them because they have opinions on stand-up comedy they have opinions on like once we're in the car we just come back from driving back from the Auburn arena this and Albans they've come the whole family come to see me and nobody said a word it was a great show and was standing ovation I said there's no one going to say anything we'd like got we got new outskirts of London I said we've been driving for half an hour no one said are you going to say something and I think my middle son who was about 16 at the time he said um mind out for that pterodactyl.

I ducked a few times. Anyone going to say anything? Why does Dad keep ducking? Sorry, sorry. I don't know. By the only one seeing it. Speed up. You're going 10 miles an hour on the M25.

But they said to me, they said, you know, you do a few bits that we don't particularly like and it's a bit filthy and it's a bit. And I said, is that a problem? And they said,

well, and it's very interesting. Put it this way. If you go to a Michelin-Star restaurant, which they had been with me a few times, There's one thing. I wish I hadn't spoiled them. If you've got a Michelin-Star restaurant, they'd bring you a wonderful meal. But there's a little bit of shit on the side of the plate.

Would you eat that food? I went, no, I'd take it back, clean it off, or give me a new plate. They goes, well, that's how we feel about your stand-up. It's a lovely meal. They're little bits of shit. It just ruined the whole thing. And I went, oh, my God, that would destroy me. It did destroy me.

It destroyed me because it actually made me realize that in comedy, this is why we can do gigs. And we're having a wonderful time. And as comics, everyone's laughing, but we always hone in on the one person not enjoying it. Or have you had a show where you're loving a show, then you do one joke and a couple of people get up and leave. I've never had that, Ahmed. I've never had that. How dare you? You've never had that. Okay, well, you're not a proper comic. I know, of course. Oh, no. I'm getting flashbacks of Edinburgh. That was horrible.

Yeah. So you realize, actually, comedy, in general, what you learn, we can't please all the people all the time and people have a right to be offended. But the fact that even my own children was saying, you could be something. good. But you're not. And we won't bring our friends to see you and we're not really proud of you and you just look like. Oh no. How old were they at this point? They're in their mid-teens. They're old enough. Oh, that's never ask a teenager for a feedback. But you know what? I brought up with them now and they stand by their comments. It's interesting. So was it the in general your stuff or was it more that like, and I wanted to speak about this as well as like as you get older, you know, everyone's views and stuff get a bit dated because that's just what like, you know,

you don't experience new things with a younger generation are way more woke and across social change. Yes. Would it be things like that where you might use a turn of phrase? It's fine, but actually a little bit, that's not what you use anymore. Or was it just the material and the performance in general? Because I think that's what your kids can help you with.

And they do, yeah. Actually, that's a very good point. As they got older, they're very aware of not just woke culture, but even things that you've missed somehow. So in that sense, they were right. So I dropped the joke. And they often come and watch. and they give our tip like that, which I think is very, very helpful.

But in general, it's interesting because they say, look, the dad we see at home is so funny, but the dad we see on stage is very different. It's like you're trying to please people and you're trying to be a Middle Eastern bloke in white society. And as a part of us, we're not comfortable with that. So we wish you could be more like the way you were at home. I think that's the thing.

That's what pleased me. They thought I was much funnier offstage than on. And I said, well, it is an answer. act. That's the whole point. Yeah. Doing stand up is an act. It's what you choose to put out. But they're just not comfortable with it.

So we hope dad, but they're 14, a child goes, we hope dad you find your inner authenticity and that can be shown. That's the kind of thing they say. Natalie Cassidy, welcome to parenting hell. It's been a long time coming. Oh, do you know what? I'm honoured, boy. It's really, really lovely to see you both.

Well, I got a bit starstruck actually while I was listening to chatabics. you know, you did with David Earl and Joe Wilkinson. And they were talking, and you started talking about this podcast and about how much you like it. And you want to come on. I was like, I didn't know about this. We didn't know about this.

They were a bit upset. They were a bit upset because they always want to get in the top ten. They can't get there. So I don't think they were happy with it. But there you go. First things first. Could you, you know when Sonia was, was she playing the saxophone? The trumpet, Josh.

Pumpet. Fuck sake, Josh. Could you play it? Do you play it? Do it's a favour? No, no, Josh, surely. the first question should be how many kids you got, what age?

Let's not go on to trumpet and Sonia immediately. What's Well-Ard-like? What's Well-R-R-L-R-Dade like? I know, but what was he like? It was lovely, it was a girl, actually, and the doctor's name was Xenna. And she was a delight.

There we go. Right. How many kids you got? Two. I've got two girls. Josh, if you want to do Well-R-R-Chat, let's save it when we get Dean Gaffney on. Okay, right.

Exactly. If you want to do trumpet, fair and. enough. Martin Fowler, Sonia, but we'll get on to that later, but come and save you well on stuff for Gaffney. Do you still speak to Gaffney? All the time. All the time. Yeah, it's fantastic. I love Gaffney. He's always an obfair. Always. He's always flying around the world. I don't know how he does it. He's got friends in high places and he just makes me die. It makes me laugh. He's a funny bloke. We've got to get Gaffers on. Listen, I'm not sitting here talking about Dean if you don't run.

Let's talk about your kids. How old are you kids, Natalie? So Joni is six, she'll be seven, August the 16th, and Eliza is 12, going on a hundred and fucking two. Yeah, I've been speaking to a lot of people that have got kids that are like sort of pre-teenage, 10 to 12, and it is, it feels intense. It's the phrase tween age when they're like teenagers early. It is, but I'm not having any of it. Eliza is already a teenager. Is she? Right, okay.

It's crazy stuff. It's, I tell you, I promise you, once she's started playing the trumpet. They're not, she's not playing the trumpet. Please, Josh. Josh, he's actually been a bit of a prick, isn't he? Oh, come on now. I think he's been a bit of a prick. I'm just so excited.

This is finally happening. When your kids are in year six, right, at primary school, and they're going on their leave as tour and you think, aren't they grown up, right? They have the summer holiday and they go into year seven. Yeah. they're like different human they just get out of bed one day after a week of being at secondary school and they're completely different human beings really it's incredible because of the responsibility they have she's got her laptop she's emailing teachers it's crazy and my daughter my daughter didn't have a phone until about um two months ago so she went into year seven without a phone um and she did a couple of terms without it that was quite hard because every every every every single person had one apart from her. But now she's got her phone

and it's crazy stuff. Oh, man. What are your, have you got to have phone rules? Like, is it? Oh, massive ones. She's got no social media. She's got Be Real,

which is one when you just take one photo a day. I'm fine with that. Yeah. But she's not allowed Snapchat. She's not allowed Instagram. She's not allowed any of that. She has WhatsApp to talk to her friends. And the phone remains downstairs on charge

when she goes to bed and stuff. She's good with it. but she's waited so long she's like anything will do Oh God Oh God I'm so scared about it all Did you

Just don't give in That's all I say to you I don't care about Anyone says At 10 There were kids in I'm not being funny At the primary school

My six you are There's a couple of kids With phones There's seven Six Seven Yeah Bloody hell

And I just was like I'm not following any I don't care What anyone says You can hate me You are not having a phone Until I feel that it's needed Yeah, do you know what, because someone, our friends have ours, their daughter's eight,

and they've got like an iPod touch thing, which the girls love. And it means they can message to the mum and dad and take photos and stuff like that. But you can still get all the apps on it. So in a way, like the actually ringing someone's the least bad bit of a phone. Absolutely, absolutely. And iPad's actually worse in a way if they can have access to the... We were talking about messages. I've just got a message off my wife.

This is a live bit of, live bit of parenting and marriage. If the doorbell, she's out. if the doorbell goes, answer it as it could be your socks. Isn't that a low moment? So I'm going to have to leave the interview if the doorbell goes. I do apologise, Natalie.

Carry on. What socks are they? I've ordered some sport socks. Do you have to have weird ones because of your feet? I haven't got weird feet. You know, people have specialist things for different parts of their body?

Why would I have special? Because of the hair and the size? They're normal. They're normal. Sorry about this, Natty. They're not normal. They're not normal. They like to be cold.

whole bit like one. I've got really bad feet as well. Have you? No, not as well. I haven't got bad feet. No, I've got disgusting feet. That's correct. That's fine.

You sound like, to me, you don't take any shit. No. Not at all. And is that always been the case or did that come at the age of fuck, right, this is now phones, this is now serious or were you like no chocolate? No, I've always been, no, it's everything in moderation, isn't it? I've seen I've had children

around before and if they haven't got a sweet drawer or a crisp draw they come in here and they're like animals yeah they just want to eat

everything because they have never got it whereas mine they take it or leave it we got the drawer they're not in there all the time I think everything

in moderation is good my little Joni is she's quite feral she's sort of always got her hair in her face and she's

You know, when it's really hot, you're like, darling, come on, let's get your sun cream out your head. She don't care. She's just wonders about it. She's got her free spirit. Eliza's completely opposite. She was the one with, you know, I had to cut all the labels out. She hated scenes in the socks. She was very, she's always been very particular.

So they're completely different children. But Eliza now, I feel as they get older, you have to pick your battles. You can't, you can't get annoyed over things that perhaps you would do with the younger ones because you've got bigger battle, big, big, big of fish. to fry. It's harder because when they're in school if you go, no, we're not doing that. They literally come back and go, it's almost like interviewing a

politician where they go, well, so-and-so's doing it and so-and-so's doing it and you're like, well, and then you know. With that, I just say, I don't care. I'm not interested in what other people are doing. Why are you talking to me about that? That's a good way I did it because I want to go, well, I'll tell you what, their mum and dad are a fucking pair of pricks.

And they're going to, and their kids going to turn out like them. Well, I have to say it has been said, Rob. You're not wrong. You're not wrong. Well, the little known fact about your friend, I hate their parents, and I put up with them for 13 years at this school,

and I don't need to be told about what they do, because you know what? I fundamentally disagree with everything they do. Or you could just go, I don't care. It's probably a bit of a better way to. Do you think Carol Jackson was a good mum? She was a great mum on screen. A great mum, Josh.

Yeah. She wasn't my real mum. You do know. No, no. I'm really worried. I'm really. Josh is treating this interview Like he's sort of confused about

Between fiction and reality And just totally overwhelmed I'm extremely shocked I'm extremely shot that Josh has even seen it Do you know what I mean? Yeah, he's not that kind of guy is he I loved it in the 90s Fucking out

Yeah I absolutely The bit where I think it was slightly Before your time But the bit where Grant Mitchell finds out That Phil's been sleeping with Sharon Oh well the voice recorder Oh yes

Injected into my veins, it's so good that episode. I would take EastEnders, when it was in its peak around that time, was so much better. Still good, Rob, it's still in his peak, don't it? No, it's still good. But at that point, that was when it was, when you were in it when you were younger and the pregnancy stuff and all that kind of stuff. It still, like, you know, a great, but I think that it went beyond, it went beyond soap. It just felt like something everyone was watching and everyone spoke about. Well, I tell you something, obviously, in October, I've been there for 30 years.

right since those 10 I mean I had a break and stuff but I've been affiliated with it for that long and all those times like you say the sort of the golden ages and we've had peaks and troughs as every show does but I have to say that we've just won the soap award congratulations the morale like everyone at work it's it's an at the moment I feel like we're all the stories are really good building up it's yeah it's becoming golden again it's really really good it's a lovely place to be Being in EastEnders as a child and how, like, whether you'd, how you'd feel about your children acting. Because you were seven, right, when you first appeared in EastEnders?

Ten. Ten. I'll tell you something. Your Wikipedia is shit. He's falling apart. I knew about that, Natalie. Don't worry about that. Oh, fuck off, Rob.

So you were 10. So your daughter is basically, would have already been in East Enders two years. Yeah. Yeah. And have they expressed any interest in child acting? They both enjoy it. And Eliza, actually, my eldest, has done, she just played trunch ball in our school production.

Oh, wow. And she was brilliant. She's really good at it. So I wouldn't mind her doing it. But to be honest, it's all very well. But auditions come for it on my phone. And I'm like, that's too much time off school. And I just ignore it.

I've said yes. I've said yes, but I'm not sure it'll ever come to anything. So I'll have to see. But I do want her to go to school. I missed a lot of school. Yeah. As much as I loved my job. Well, I loved my job.

Yeah. But from 10 to 13, the rules were 40 days off a year. Yeah. From 13 to 16, you could have 80 days off a year. And then 16 onward, it was a job. So I was kind of there doing really well, and I just carried it on, which is amazing. I'm very lucky I've had a brilliant life. But I've missed out on a lot of learning, which I think I'll probably do at a later stage, because I do love learning.

So I want my kids to enjoy learning and go to school and get good grades. And I do want them to do that because I didn't. Also, as well, you've got, you've got, there's plenty of time in life for them to become actors where you only get this time once and I think it helps you develop as a person. I mean, it must be really difficult for you as well, like, because we've social media now for your kids and I don't have that. Like, you were like so famous in this country, like, at a young age. And that must have been quite difficult because it's not, you know what the press is like,

especially back then, you know, 20, 30 years ago, way more brutal. How, did that make you a stronger person or do you find it difficult? Has it helped you, like, give them advice and stuff? Yeah, I mean, I have to be honest with you. I just think I've been very lucky. I've got a very thick skin. And I've grown up with a family that are so normal. Do you know what I mean?

There was no, oh, isn't it marvellous that you're on the telly? Like, there was none of that at all. Which, for me, I just went to work, and it's always just been my job. So I think going into it at 10 is actually better than getting a soap opera, say, at 17. because you kind of want it and you get the ego and you get, not saying everyone does,

but do you know what I mean? So for me, it was, I grew up with it. It's like being recognised. People say everyone's like, you go out and what's it like and I said,

I don't remember not doing that. You've been famous longer than you've been alive. So it's just, it's what it is, isn't it? Not longer, but longer than you're not famous. Sorry.

I thought I caught myself in my own cryptic. Rob, fucking out, we did my Wikipedia's bad. You've got some really dodgy facts. You were Sonia two years before you were born, is that right? So philosophical. It's brilliant. That's it for this special best-off episode. I'm Natalie Cassidy, and I've been wanting to do a podcast of my own for a very long time.

And here it is. I'm going to be talking each week to family, friends, most importantly, you. I want to talk about the issues that are bothering me, things that make me smile, and how we get through that washing basket. without having a nervous breakdown. This is a podcast for the general public for the normal people. So get on board, become part of my community

and let's have a laugh. Hello, it's me, Jessica Napit, and here, here, brand new podcast alert. I've got a new show for you. It's called Perfect Day. And yeah, you've figured out the premise already, haven't you? Because you're so smart and because it's obvious.

Every Thursday, I interview a guest about what constitutes their perfect day. So, if you like hopes and dreams, fantasies and sweet memories, you're going to love this stuff. Ah, we have got so many lovely, funny, nice people on. You're Ramesh Ranganasans, you're Dolly Alderton's, you Jamal, you Maddox's, Arabella Weir She's doing it, don't worry about the quality of the guest. Just worry about when you're going to listen to it. Or don't worry about when you're going to listen to it. actually listen to it. See you soon.

Jess Knapp here, signing off, wishing you a perfect day.