Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S11 EP15: Alan Davies (The Return)

Episode Date: October 3, 2025

Joining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant actor, presenter, author and comedian - Alan Davies. Alan's new book ⁠'White Male Stand-Up'⁠ is available now. His new stand-up comedy tour 'Think Ahead' starts Autum 2025. Dates and ticekt info can be found ⁠HERE Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please subscribe and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] Follow us on instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@parentinghell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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We want to take out the competition. The substance. This balance is not working. And the naked gun. That was awesome. Now that's a mountain of entertainment. Paramount Wolf. Hello, I'm Rob Beckett.

And I'm Josh Whittickham. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week you'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice, and of course, tales of parenting, woe. Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing.

Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Rafferty, can you say Rob Beckett? Lafittitt. Can you say Josh Whittickham? Josh Wibble. Goodbye. There we go. Lovely stuff.

Hello, this is my son Rafferty's attempt at saying your name. I particularly like how much Widdickham sounds like Wiggle Bum. Raffty was 23 months at the time of this recording, but it took me a few months in bracket 6 to send it. I love the podcast and usually save up episodes for long car journeys, especially from Liverpool to Rippon to visit Raffey's grandparents. Thanks having all the laugh. And can I also say, Josh and my brother Tim are clones of each other in every way.

Poor old Tim. Loads of love and thanks for you so sexy and relatable. Lucy in Liverpool originally from York Rippin Rippin in York Rafferty I like Rafferty but I struggle with Raffie Raffie Raff it's a hard name to shorten

isn't it? I like Rafferty I think one of the great Plymouth Argyll players was called Billy Rafferty There's a first name Raffey Well I thought it was short for Raffa I didn't know what it was short for I think I'd go Ralf to shorten for

Ralph. Well, there we go. Anything's allowed. Anything's allowed. There's a kid. There's a people in my front row, and they're talking about their kids. What's your kid's called?

They went, Saxon and Sienna. And I went, and I was a bit of hard. I could tell you what, Sienna dodged a bullet there, didn't she? She was going to be called Viking. We used to have a,

Plymouth, to bring it back to Plymouth, had a player called Saxon Early recently. Saxon early. Saxon early Saxon early That's why I say to Lou on a mini break

Saxon early tonight before we go out So we're not too tired and drunk later Now what I said on the gig as well I quite like the name Saxon And Saxon for short bit But then the second kid I think you've got to go a bit out there as well Sienna's too normal

Yeah If you go Saxon and maybe like You know Searsia or whatever Is Sienna one of those names Where there's one famous person with that name So you instantly think of that sienna miller yeah but not anymore i don't think she's that known anymore she's she was she's not been as as in the public eye at the moment i like i like both names i feel like

they clash doesn't sound like it doesn't sound like it no saxon and sersha but saxon sienna it's like oh so why did you do one normal name and then one out like are you wacky or not because also if you do i get if you do the youngest of a bit more out there name yeah i get that because you've built your confidence up through the first name yeah yeah yeah it's when you go wacky first and then the second's normally like have you lost your bottle here what are you are you different or not have you got personality exactly exactly rob anyway um anyway sure you talk about me going to south africa on my own we've never covered it i don't think we probably covered it so we did promise it you got taken to south africa by your nan for a few weeks

yeah and then she dropped you at the airport to just go home alone yes but it was how old were you I'd have been ten and do you have a chaperone on the plane or just yeah the the plane staff they do that they kind of I don't know if they still do but it was like agreed with the plane started

that it was like a it's a service I suppose do you know what I mean so is there someone in the airport with you that is looking after you until you get on the plane I have no memory of that literally no memory of I can't believe that I had to get to the gate that would that would be insane

maybe it's the same way as you know know when you go if you're in a wheelchair you get taken with like the accessibility and they'll they make sure you're all at the right place hold up i must have been handed over to b a did your nan put you in a wheelchair and tell them that you couldn't walk oh yeah yeah that was that was the other thing yeah so there must have been people at the airport they were in charge of getting but then it's like surely they've got you've got to be a bit like c b c b check what's the word to make sure you not criminal rato i don't know in 1994 you didn't have c b checks did you i don't know well it was a worst time

Rob. And you just sat on the plane. What did you do for 12? Did you watch telly? Was there a telly? Or did you read? How long was the plane from South Africa? Probably quite...

No, it can't be. It is. It was overnight. Yeah, so it's like a longan. So you're just going to bed alone on a plane at 10? I would have been in economy as well. I was in economy.

It's scarier than... That's scary the day. It felt totally normal. At 10, I would shit my pants if I was on a plane overnight. Would you? Yeah, I used to cry on sleepovers I hate sleepovers

I wasn't a pussy Also, you can't ring your mum to go home You're in the... Exactly, yeah You're going home You're on the way home I want to go home You're going

You're going You're going You're going You don't remember It wasn't bad It was just No, it was just I just don't remember

I remember them in the morning The one thing Because obviously the thing That you remember Is always like Not shame but like even small amounts of shame of the thing. I remember them saying

I'll go and brush your teeth before you get off the plane. Oh, you know, you feel bad that you haven't done it? No, I didn't have my toothbrush. Oh. Because do you take your toothbrush on a plane? No. No. So I just went, I remember going to the toilet and just standing there.

Yeah. In the toilet and then coming out and saying I've brushed my teeth. Sometimes I've taken for a long, long way. If I'm going to Australia, I'd pack one for like a job. But if it's just a normal, even in America for eight hours, wouldn't pack a two. No, exactly. Normally they have them if you ask, don't they?

If you ask politely, there's a chained. You're 10. Can you get one from the posh seats? I'm 10. I'm 10. Yes, so it was totally, it was a non-event, Rob. Really? And then I read Matthew Perry's book,

and it was the defining moment of his life. What, that he got taken from Canada to America. And he talks about how that was totally traumatic for him. What, without his parents? yeah do you think maybe you it's subconsciously traumatic for you no i'm trying trying to find some drama but there's just run there really there's no drama it's absolutely fine you just got in have you been put on a plane at a young age and did it make any difference to your life and did you get sent out how does it work was there a chaperone how does it work

yeah in the mid 90s how does it work there we go right how does it work now how does it work now how does it Just how does it work with Josh and Rob? How the fuck does it work? Do you used to watch, how do they do that? No, what's that? Deslinem. Oh, it's fucking brilliant. I fucking love that show.

So Deslinem and someone else would host it. And they just tell you how things worked. So they do loads of different ones. And they'd be really random. So it would be like, how does air traffic control work? Followed by, how does the sewage system work? by computers. How's the internet going to work?

It was called How Do They Do That? How do they deliver your post in one day from Glasgow to London? How do they get a letter to the right address? Des Linham, was he a normal TV presenter that ended up on Match of the Day? No, this was his spin off. Wow, what a way to spin. Yeah. Too right, too right.

Josh, I've got a funny name for you that someone sent in. Go on. Hello, you slags. I went to a school with a girl called Hannah Partridge. That's all right. You know, it seemed normal enough until the festives even began and she would consistently be bombarded with chants of Hannah Partridge in a pear tree.

Oh, Hannah Partridge in a pear tree. That's really good. Hannah Partridge in a... And you know it's coming as well. I was going to see it. Hannah Partridge. Yeah. Oh, God, that is absolutely brilliant.

Hannah Partridge in a pear tree. I was like, because you don't see it until that happens. You can't blame the parents. Can you imagine that, like, excitement in the score assembly as everyone turns to Hannah and just there's a Hannah Partridge

in a pear tree Oh my God Yeah Is it your favourite Do you like five gold Rings bit Five gold Yeah I do

Yeah I really do like shouting it Yeah For Turtle does three French hands Two calling birds Hannah Partridge

In a pear tree Thank you for the pod I can't call away for Christmas Thank you for the part being listening since I love Christmas Since day one And we had our son Corey on October 2020 So it's been a good guy to remember Nobody knows what they are doing

Keep it sexy and relatable When you get in the tree this year Rob Trees going up mid-November I'm wondering when we're going to go to Magic Christmas on the radio You're going to need new decorations for your home I know Rob Well we've brought them with us

You've got space for a big big tree You're going to get a real one or a fake one? Oh, real. Love the smell. Yeah, but I think you get a big... No, we're getting a real. No, but a big, big fake one. And then a...

No. No, more than one. Yeah, more than one real one. No. No, but the big, big one, you won't be able to move it on your own. Right. You need to get a big, big... I lift.

Fake. Rob, no, Rose lifts. Roll by lift. Or do you lift? Trice. What's your bench press record? I don't know. 50?

50 what? KG's. It's pretty good. I don't know what. I don't know. I don't have a guest by the interpriced record. Should we bring the guest on? Yeah, go on then.

Here's the guest. Welcome back to Alan Davis. Alan. Hello. You're back again. We've had you before. So many years ago. So many years ago.

So many years ago. I think it was during COVID when you had a legitimate excuse for doing this. Yes. As opposed to a contractual obligation. Yeah. But it's good that all three of us are contractually obliged to make it work again. I'm very happy to. How are you, Alan? Good. You're back on tour, aren't you?

I'm back on tour. I was in Folkestone on Saturday night. And it was great. Last night out before the tour starts, was it? Just let your head down. No, I was actually performing in the Leescliffe Hall, which I'm sure you're both familiar with. You go in the dressing room and you look out the window and it feels like you're in the sea. The English Channel is outside your window. and then you go the other direction and there's about 1,000 people sitting there

and they were great. This is your first tour in a decade? First tour in a decade. I have been gigging, but I haven't been touring. Yeah. Because you had a big gap before then, didn't you, as well? I had a gap between 2001 and 2011 and that was a mistake, that gap.

That was that mistake. That was a career mistake, a mental health mistake, financial mistake. I shouldn't have taken that. massive decade-long sabbatical why did you? Could I just say at this stage Rob is planning a decade-long sabbatical

when a stand-up so he's... Yeah, that's really panicked me this sabbatical. Fucky kids, let's talk about the sabbatical. Let's forget about kids. No, it's good to have breaks. It's definitely good to have time away from it. Yeah.

It's not good to not keep your hand in. You've got to do a gig every two or three months. Oh, so you did absolutely nice. I think, not because of my sabbaticals from the soaring, not from the odd appearance. And was that, we will come to your book, I'm halfway through it. You've just got the job on Jonathan Creek. Don't tell me how that goes, Josh.

I've not read that bit of the book yet. I don't know how it's going to go. So from 2001 to 2011, did you have kids at that point, Ella? Good question. My first child, Susie, was born in 2009. Right. I mean, part of the reason was I did some gigs and, people were getting a bit over-excited about me being on television and I didn't really have

any new material and I thought I could just wing it, you know, like the old days. And it turned out to be just a tsunami of quite well-intended interruptions. Yeah. This was late night in the comedy store. So you're sort of asking for it really, aren't it? People have had a drink and whatever. Abbey National related, am I right? A little bit of Abbey National stuff. A little bit of people shouting out that I'd had a perm. I'd like to, for the record, lads, I've never had. had a perm, but it seemed like a funny joke to make in an advert to suggest that I had had a perm. And being with the Abbey National was beneficial for my hair. It made banking so stress-free. And it was quite a funny advert. And John Lloyd at the end shouted out,

perm, off camera, and I react bad. What was that, John Lloyd? That was John Lloyd's voice. And then I got on in the comedy store and after people would go, perm, perm, perm. And they were asking me if I'd shag Caroline Quentin and really nice, polite inquiries like that. During the gig? During the gig. And for the record, lads, no, that's not true. But thanks, Alan, because both of us, both of us were thinking, can we ask? I was hoping Rob would do the dirty work, but you've done it for me, Alan. Yeah, preemptive. So it was basically avoided all the heckles and the attention, because, you know, you're super famous now, but because I say fame's a bit like the stock market, it goes up and crashes

and comes back again. So it was like, that must have been peak peak for you where like it was non-stop. Well, also in those days, I mean, it's hard to sort of remember it really, but there was no internet, right? So there's no internet. There's none of this stuff. Yeah. There's no YouTube. There's just telly. And so if you want to

amuse yourself, as you remember in the 90s, you had to turn the telly on. And if what was on was on, that's what you watched, right? Unless you could add 50 quid to spend or buy a video. Yeah. And so if you're in the Abbey National Ads, as was, then you're on half time in Coronation Street and

Emmerdale and they're getting 15 to 20 million viewers each. Yeah. And Blind Date on the weekend, that's another 15 million people have seen you. And they've been forced to watch you because there's nothing else as well. And they don't even like though. They don't like it. And they think, who's this? Get off, get out of the way. You can't pause

live TV in those days. Fame was a different kettle of fish. The numbers were much higher. Jonathan Crete was 12 million viewers, you know. It went Overnight, it went from just having a bit of a laugh and enjoying doing stand-up to this life-changing, you've kind of cashed in your anonymity without really anyone from HR talking you through how that's going to feel, you know, or what the consequences might be.

I'm reading the book, and it's absolutely brilliant. It couldn't be, I mean, Alan, it couldn't be more for me if you made it a thousand pages long. I'll sort of you want to bits that I cut out. you could button this material on Patreon or whatever it's so good right it's brilliant it's honest you write so well

like it's not just a book by a comedian it's a proper book I'm lapping this up say some more things it's alright sorry yeah yeah oh I've got some stuff on hold up the book previously you went on a creative writing course is that right so you could do the story in the book oh there he goes there he's actually smuddy for this

it's not just you know you've thrown your hat in the ring you've actually put the academic time and is that correct, Mr. Davies. Well, that is correct, Mr. Beckett. I was never called you that, have you? Never in my life, no. Well, Beckett, you spank you that. Honestly, if I walk around the streets where I live,

or I beg at you, that's it. Rob is the 2025 version of the Abbey National advert, basically. What a run! This champ is picking up speed! But they found a lane. Phenomenal launch into the air. Absolutely incredible Air Transat. Fly the seven-time world's best leisure airline champions, Air Transat.

No, so what I was going to say is I literally bought this. I started reading it on Saturday. I've tried to fit in some parenting, but I've been reading the book. Normally, Alan, I'll read about 20 pages for this, these interviews, but I'm loving it. In full transparency, I've checked GPTed whilst in it, but I have ordered it. It's full transparency. Chatjee meetings, got me covered. I bought it in Kingslyn Waterstones.

So if you see a... Here we go. Around about 1 o'clock today, so three hours late. Alan Davis book and Shane Warn's book. There you go. Spoiler, we're not interviewing Shane Warren. Good luck with that. I've got some bad news, Rob.

That interview's been canned. I didn't realize until reading it, in my head, because I had witnessed this. Maybe because I was a fan of comedy, like I was really interested in all the comedians I knew who you were before Jonathan Creek. In my head, you were a much bigger deal before Jonathan Creek, but actually reading the book, it's a mad change in your life, right? Because you are a kind of, you're a bubbling onto TV, a bit kind of comedian.

I've done a couple of I Got News for you. I've done a Clive James and the Des O'Connor. These are the slots you could do in those days. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're 10, 12 million viewers. You can be spotted. You've done the last resort. Jonathan Ross.

So you did Jonathan Ross. I've done Jonathan Ross and I've done bits and pieces. But no, Jonathan Crete was definitely a big change. I suppose we should mention your kids. Are they A, coming to see you on tour and B, do you want them to read your book? How old are they now? Sorry, Alan.

They're 15, 14 and 10. Right. No, they haven't read the books. Although the books, when I say the books, I'm talking about Just Ignoring, which I wrote was five years ago. And White Male Stand Up, the new book, which is, I sort of think as part two,

it kind of follows on. In a lot of ways, I've wrote them for them. Yeah. Because I think there's a lot of stuff that went on when I was a child, particularly with my father. There's a whole abuse story, which is a large part of Just Ignore Him, but then following the inter-white male stand-up

where I become a stand-up comedian and I start working and carrying that childhood with me instead of, as I previously thought, being able to leave it behind, as if the past was somewhere else and you could head to the future, you know, now realise it. I'll have no impact at all.

I know. It's not going to have any impact on who I am. And also what sort of a parent I am, what sort of a parent I am to my kids. And what I didn't want was my father kind of acting on my children through me. I wanted to try as much as I could to prevent that happening. And I was very aware that the kind of person that I became after my childhood was going to have some sort of negative impact on them and on my marriage and trying to sort those things out and organise them. and go through,

really kind of turning around and facing the past and trying to deal with it and trying to turn it into something. And both of the books, really, you've kind of learned about yourself as you're right, can see yourself in a different way,

you realize a lot of your memories are inaccurate or blurred, and being able to kind of organise your thoughts and your feelings and your emotions and Katie, my wife's read both the books as I was writing them and they're very helpful, I think, for her as well.

So I think they've been profoundly beneficial, I hope, for my own family. And the kids, I'm sure, will read them when they're older. My stand-up, I think they would be appalled. They really like David O'Doherty, and I think that shows out standing taste. They're big fans of you, Rob. They're big fans of you, because they love you

and Rommis being absolute dickheads with people and doing stupid things. But they love it, you know. They know you, Josh, they've met you. of course. They've got my daughter. And so they like comedians and they like comedy.

We never watch QI. Can you imagine? Sit down with Katie at the end of a day. What should we watch? And it goes, dun-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-and there's footstalls gone through the screen before that's coming on.

I can't watch myself back at all. Being sat there with the kids watching myself feels with an absolute dread. Oh my God. They're not doing that with you then on QI. Jesus. No. Jonathan Creek, though,

it must be like watching a different person for them. It is. And I think that's one of the things I talk about in the book is the person that I was on stage, particularly when I was a younger standup, the person I was off stage, two very different people. And it's quite a facade you're putting on. And I wasn't really, you know, tackling the issues in my comedy. I was just trying to think of anything that was funny, talking a lot about my cats, you know. Yeah, which is a shame because you're talking to two comedians that are dealing with big issues in their stand-up. So we find it a shame when you just get these people that go on and do really. rubbish observational stuff about day-to-day life. All the journalists that keep coming to my shows where notebooks and people weeping really put me off my flow. He tells another story about his dad and mum.

So you didn't take that break because you had kids at that point. It was more like the effect of the fame and you wanted a bit of distance from the crowd. Writing these books and having your kids, as it impacted the way you've parented then, as opposed to sort of confronting what's happened in the past and understanding it, But like sort of day-to-day kind of stuff, are you working less or you having more deep conversations with them? How do you reckon it's manifested? Hopefully I'm less cross.

There's less outbursts and general kind of snappiness and a few less hangovers and previously well-trodden paths towards coping strategies not so good when you're a parent or when you're living on your own and you can snore until 2pm. Yeah, I can't do that anymore. But when I was off stand-up Katie and I met in 2005

and by 2006 I didn't want to do anything anymore This is how I sorted out my work-life balance It was I stopped working Then I found the balance was really good And we went to Thailand for a month And that sort of thing We had a really nice year And we got married

And still wasn't really mad for working I was slightly put off I did a couple of drama series for ITV Which were a very long hour and they paid me a lot of money, but it meant I had to be in every single scene. I felt like death warmed up about halfway through. And I didn't really know what I wanted to do.

Also, all the time when I was thinking about maybe doing some writing or something, my childhood stories were always in my head. And so by the time when I did what you were talking about, Rob, when I went to Goldsmith's College and did a creative writing course, see, I never really thought from that that I would write a book from it. I thought, but I did want to try and get into what was bothering me. which was really my father mainly and be able to write about that

and I submitted a bit of writing on that course when you submitted something towards your masters you have to do so anonymously you put a student number on it they don't know who's written it when they're marking it in other words and that's when I first wrote about my father and that piece of writing

became a chapter called Hands which is in Just Ignore Him and then I started to the feedback was very positive and I realised that these people were going to help me with it that they were going to read my stuff, they were going to be supportive. My tutor is a guy called Ardashir Vakil, known as Ardu, who's wonderful man.

And he said to me, you seem to be trying to do your best writing. You seem to be constructed in these sentences and paragraphs, and it doesn't sound like you. And you've been a comedian for 30 years. You've got a voice that you speak with and you use. Why not try and use that voice in your writing, keep it closer to you, and that was good advice. And then he said to me, write the stuff that makes you cry,

right as if no one's going to read it yeah and so I did and that was quite a harrowing and now the book's upset a lot of people yeah yeah I mean I've not read a new one but just ignore it is very full on isn't it it's obviously you know you talk about sort of abuse in a sort of throw away term and it was incredibly horrendous what happened to you I think that's something you can all agree and you know everyone in their family I find looks forward and goes well how can I change the way I was parented to my kids and that you can range from what happened to you just to oh my dad was a bit snappy on a Saturday sometimes and I don't want to be doing that to my kids but I think it's a theme everyone wants to follow is where they reflect on their childhood and then want to

change things going forward but this is like to do this is so I think impressive and I think you talk about it in quite a casual way but it's quite remarkable that you're doing it in such a public forum and I think I read that you had loads of people coming up to you anonymous you saying that they had similar experiences but have been never been able to talk about it or It happened to me this morning. I was walking the dog and there's a guy. I saw a guy jogging. I thought he looks familiar. And it was a parent from my daughter's primary school and his daughter was in her class. They were friends. And he'd come to a book event I did last week and he said that his wife had had similar experiences and she'd read the book and got a lot out of it. And that sort of thing has happened

quite a lot, and it means a lot to me. It means a lot to me that people are finding it beneficial and helpful and maybe opening up a little bit to their own family and friends or therapists or whoever they choose to talk to, to go. But still, at the same time, because I'm a comedian, I still want to say, yeah, that's lovely, but did you like any of the funny bits? I mean, I put some jokes in.

Once you've sort of wiped away, you've used up a box, with tissues. Yeah, yeah. It was really funny as well, though, wasn't in the path. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it the funniest book you've ever read about abuse? I wouldn't be surprised. I don't know if you do this with your own books, but if you go on that, Amazon,

Amazon have so many different charts. Yeah. I was number one in child abuse biographies for a quite long time. You know, you could be in the comedy television chart, the actors biography chart. I was in the opera singer's chart for a while. I don't know what the algorithm did there. Must be an operical Just Ignoring or something

I don't know And so if you've spoken to your kids about it Do you mind me Also any of these just say Fuck off, I don't want to answer that We can move on to other stuff In a bit more light on No but the weird thing is

Of course the kids are goo And I don't have any control over Wikipedia I'm in fact I'm banned from my own Wikipedia page for trying to correct factual inaccuracies They're very against that On Wikipedia

No you may not correct this factual inaccuracy Even though it is about you. What was the fact? He was trying to correct. Oh, God, there are all sorts of weird little things, but, I mean, including where I was born and what my kids were called. But someone who's in career things as well.

You've got a lovely picture on Wikipedia. It's really nice. You've blocked. Yeah, yeah, sorry. You're in a 1982 World Cup England shirt with the colours across the... Yes, yes. It looks like you're in a knock-off version of one of them.

You're having a lovely time. That was from I was making podcasts with two... There's a really good podcast called Bantam's Banta. Oh, yeah, Tom and Dom. I know that's great. We do podcasts in the World Cup. He always come to my shows in York. They are Yorkshire, lads.

That's from 2014. So that's as recent as Wikipedia are prepared to go with a photograph. So the kids are Googling you now? Well, the youngest one, Googles himself. And he's already been annoyed because he's founded a website that's birthday wrong.

You Google that age nine. And I said, this is a good life lesson for you. Never, ever, ever, Google yourself. They just don't ever do that It always ends in tears My daughter turned 16 in December And they've asked me a little bit

And they've spoken to me a little bit Because they became aware That we didn't see my dad At all from the last six years of his life And they had to say something It's awkward Because it's not very often It's also laid out in a book somewhere

That they can find online at a younger age You know what I mean? It's sort of more I'm just a little bit conscious Just a... Oh, yeah, Sharon in the cleaners here and she's got the hoove are going. I was going to say that there was the kids

are in or something that you do. Yeah, I'm just reading the background reading a book about... I'm just going to... I'll be back in the minute. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no one. There's a peak Alan Davis backdrop. You can see the Arsenal shirt in the background.

I know. Whose do you think it is? Ian Wright? Long sleeve. That looks like a... Who wear long sleeve? Mers. I don't know if Bird Camp Ward.

That might be a bird camp. long sleeve. I don't think Bird Camp War JVC. We're trying to work out if that is

an ex-player's Arsenal shirt behind you've got framed or just one from a certain season. That is the 98

double season and it's all the players autographs. I didn't realize they were still with JVC at that point.

Off them having a Bird Camp one. Yeah. So your daughter I've met was so nice to my daughter

when we went to the cricket. We went to the hundred. They love the hundred. They loved the 100. And Mick Jagger turned up.

It was something else. Yeah, but they weren't excited about Mick Jagger. They were excited about there. There was a lad there who's in Harry Potter. Oh, yeah. I forget his name. That's a black spot in my cultural, like, knowledge is Harry Potter. I've never read it.

I've never watched it. I haven't read those. I've seen most of the films because the kids watch them. Yeah. Malfoy is he the boy? Draco Malfoy? It wasn't Drogone. Maybe it was.

Maybe it was. Three blocs, I remember Harry Pop characters. Anyway, they saw him and they immediately are like, oh my God, oh my God, he's Harry Paul. We've got to get a photo, and then he left. Well, no, we didn't get a photo. We didn't get a listen, calm down. Mick Jagger's there.

Do you take your kids to a lot of things, Alan? Do you like, do you enjoy the perks of those kind of things? Well, I don't get that many, honestly. I got that opportunity because of my friendship with Stephen Fry, which I maintain largely by text message about the cricket. We only really contact about cricket, or he loves watching the darts. and the snooker as well.

Yeah. I think if Fred Truman was still doing Indoor League, we'd be, that actually addicts a pair of us. Oh my God.

They should bring that back. Beckett, you'd be great for Indoor League. What's Indoor League? Oh my God, you'd love it. Indoor League was hosted by Fred Truman, Fierd,

the Yorkshire Fast Bowl, a very dower, and it was basically pub games. Yeah. Darts. And that was it. It was indoor. And they would say,

I'll sit there at the end of every. I feel like I should be hosting that. never mind watching it. That's got to be written all over, in it? Rob Beckett's Indoor League. It's the Stone Island badge, Rob Beckett. No, what we'd do, we'd set up a pub,

and then you'd be a comedy character outside with a kind of Welk stall. Yes. Yes. Harry Enfield would have done it. And we'd see your contestants outside, get in a pint of cockles or something, and then chatting to you.

The other thing I used to do, do you remember this, Josh, I used to do arm wrestling, didn't they, on that? Oh, yeah. I'd love to do it. Well, I've only watched clips. It was performing. So I've watched clips because they,

they featured it in Fantasy Football League. And then since I've gone back and watched it on YouTube. And it's, Rob, everything is brown. Every different type of, like, it just looks. It's incredible. Anyway. Taking your kids stuff. So you took them cricket.

Do they come to the football with you as well? They into sport, because obviously you love school. My two boys, we went to see Arsenal, Manchester City yesterday, and my two boys came to that. And how is that going, taking your boys to the football? ball. Do they like it? The youngest one is absolutely mad for it and he's mad for cricket as well and he plays cricket and he loves, and he's good at it too, which really helps. You can actually bowled me out all the time. The other day he got me out, LBW caught behind and bowled in three

successive balls and each one he celebrates like Dennis Lilly in the ashes. And I love to see him doing that and he hasn't got a phone yet. How old is he? He's 10. He thinks he's going to get a phone when he goes to secondary school because that's what his older siblings got but now Katie's discovered that you can now get them a phone that has messages, photos and maps on it and no internet

he's dreading the day he's going to get one of these things. He doesn't want to be protected. He wants to be exposed to the internet wants to be as vulnerable as possible our feeling is that the older two children just fell through some gap between the invention of the internet

and the realisation kids could be groomed on there and they're so vulnerable and it's so dangerous and there was this kind of wild west period which is exactly when my teenagers have grown up in and now there seems to be

some legislation being mooted and some changes made and at least now you have to prove you're 18 if you want to watch porn hub that seems like the minimum really? Is that?

That's that? That's happened, yeah. But I think that because they're trying to say now that it's more the social media apps is more of the problem than having an actual phone. Because like messaging, but then there is the WhatsApp groups and the bullying in schools and all that. So it's like you're right in the middle of all that with your teenagers and a 10-year-old. How across checking their messages are you with the older ones?

Do you do that or do you just leave them to it? It's very, very difficult. You hope that the school's all over it, telling them all the time about the dangers. the parents are constantly at them, get off your phone, get off your phone, you can't have it in your bedroom, this is our rule in our house. But, you know, if you are being bullied,

it's in your pocket, you know, never mind dreading going to school. You're dreading the walk to school when you turn your phone on. God, it's just modern parenting, isn't it? Katie, and I didn't have it. They cannot understand.

My tenure literally cannot understand that I did not have a PS5 as a kid. That makes no sense to him at all. He's like, what did you do? I remember my parents talking about it. television when they were kids first time and I was like, this is

fucking wild. Like, they didn't have a TV and that's now what we are. It might explain why they're all completely fucking mental that generation. It's full to watch Coronation Street and Alan in an abbey assortly. Well, it's very hard to explain to them that if it wasn't

for colour television, no one would know who Steve Davis is. Just no one would know who he was. Well, it's difficult to explain that to a child who doesn't know Steve Davis is. Imagine a bit excited about seeing coloured balls. That's it. Oh my God. You can see the different colours. Look at this.

I remember us getting a colour telly. And I can remember the excitement of being able to watch the British Grand Prix on the television and know which the cars were. You couldn't tell the difference between the cars before. And then suddenly, all they were were high-speed cigarette packets. You know, there was a B&H and a Rothman's and a Marlborough.

Yeah. A Peter Stuyver's suit car. Flying around the John Player They were all cigarette packet. And what year would you have got colour TV? Mid-70s, it would have been? Mid-70. You still had to get up and go across the room to change the channel.

Actually, the other day, I was saying, I remember when we got a remote control for our TV and my dad making a thing of, this is it, isn't it? People are now too lazy to walk to their television

to change the channel. This is what humanity has come to. It's there. And we're not willing to. award to that. Yeah. But, I mean, that literally was true because sometimes you would just stick with the program

because nobody could be asked to go and turn down. Basically, you were either a BBC house or an ITV house. You either watch Blue Peter or you watch Magpie. You didn't watch both channels? No. Jesus, it's mad, isn't it, in that one generation? How much it's changed. Yeah, and so it's very difficult to foresee what the next decade will be like, you know.

When you take the kids to the football, obviously you've got your season tickets if you're made. you've had for years. So the difficult years, when your kids get older, you can't just magic up two seats next to you in that section. And then sometimes when they're young, you have to go to the awful family stand, which everyone hates to go to,

just screaming kids and chaos. How'd you get them in then? Or you just wait when there's a gap of your mates? Or have you moved? Well, I've got six season tickets. Oh, so you own all six of those? I own six season tickets. And then next to us,

there's another five tickets that are owned by friends. And so people use my tickets. And so you can just transfer them. You just transfer them. Right, okay. So if two of your friends had to be delivered the bad news that they've been replaced with a younger model? Younger, no baby.

One of the people who did have one of my season tickets for a while was Romish Ranganathan, and he would have a season ticket for a while. He never went. He came three times in about four seasons. So we haven't heard from him on the WhatsApp group for years since he made his last million. I don't know what's happened to that bloke. That one's always spent.

Is he still paying for it? No. I do it on a game by game basis. But when we moved to the Emirates, I bought these bonds, which entirely you to a ticket. That was how I got those tickets. And so that's what we do.

It does mean if we're playing Manchester City, they have to break the bad news on the WhatsApp group. Sorry, if the kids want to come. And now, as they're getting older, they want to come all the time. They'll have like boyfriends and girlfriends and they want to bring their partners now and then poor old

your mate Keith Dover's just said He'll put a message up and say I'll fall on me sword He goes he doesn't mean that He's furious What did your ancestors really do all day Beyond names

What were their lives like With Ancestry's global historical records You can discover incredible stories about how your ancestors lived and worked And for a limited time You can explore select occupation records for free. Imagine finding your great-grandfather's R-CMP records or discovering your

ancestor's name in the UK and Ireland Nursing Register. Don't miss out. Free access ends August 24th. Visit Ancestry.ca for more details. Terms apply. And do you like take them to the pub with you beforehand and stuff? And does it change how you behave? I'm not a pre-match drinker, so that doesn't come into it. But what usually happens is Katie will come and collect them. so we have to leave about a minute before the end and then run to get to where she's waiting so she can get them in the car and get out of there before the traffic

if you get it wrong by about three minutes you'll be stuck on Holloway Road for an hour and you're in huge doghouse while you're sat in the pub drinking she was once she came to pick them up and I wanted to go home as well so I got in the car and then we went out into Holloway Road and then I was sitting there going is this what you do every time this can't go on

this isn't terrible she goes this is what it is like every time I pick them up you're normally in the pub driven this bit I said well okay understood

so you're one of those people that leaves earlier yeah we had to leave early we're playing Manchester City you scored we just scored we saw the goal then there's another

three or four minutes of high octane football when we're desperately trying to get another goal well that Manchester City players are lined down feigning injury all over the pitch

Donna rumours taken off an hour over every goal kit. Everyone's going mad. Or Donna Summer, as we've been called in the park. We snuck out 30 seconds before full time, which is enough to leg it to the car.

Have you missed anything yet? Have you missed a goal? We did miss a goal last season. We missed a goal, yeah. And was it an important one? No. Oh. It wasn't.

But it will happen. Yeah, it will happen. But then they'll be old enough soon. You can just let them walk off themselves. Go and meet your mum. Yeah. I'm 10. You've got a phone now.

Off you go. Has that given you, like, I'd say, 80% of the chats between me, my dad and my brother are still now Plymouth Argyle or Premier League related? Has it given you, do you like having that kind of shared interest with your kids? Or has it meant that you're now just talking about football all the time? Once they get to teenage, it's hard to talk to them about really anything. They turn into different people and they're separating from you, which is good. We like to bring them back for meals. I like to have holidays with them.

We like being with them. We spend a lot of time together and we want them, we want them to get on. We want them to be friends when we're gone. You know, we want them to be close. We want them to have good relationships. And we like them. Luckily, we like our kids.

They're good fun and they're funny together and we like being with them. Yeah. That's not always easy. They possibly think that we don't like them because we do bollock them all the time. And it's hard to remember that, you know, I mean, the other day, my 15-year-old daughter fainted, which is she hasn't done before.

And we understand it's quite a common thing, that kind of age, it kind of changes in the body going on. And anyway, were you there? I wasn't there. I was away. And when I left the house, I was doing a book event in Devon and then going up to start my stand-up to us. I was away for a couple of nights. And I remember when I left the house, I had a sight feeling from her that something wasn't right. She looked very pale.

She hadn't been well. She'd had sinusitis and been a bit unwell. And it did remind me of when she was very little. Yeah. And I thought there was something about her that were saying, I don't really want my dad to go away for two nights, which is something that she's not going to voice as a 15-year-old. She's taller than me, right?

She's quite for me. I thought she's much taller than her mum. She looms over her mom, you know. But she's about the same height as me. I was 14-year-old's taller than me. He's six-foot tall now. Oh, Jesus. So it's strange, you know,

knowing that they still need, they need a cuddle, you know, they need... They're so vulnerable, but they want independence at the same time, they still want that. It's a very strange mixture of things. Sometimes she'll sit next to me at the dinner, and she'll just put her head on my shoulder, and she's still... Because when she was one,

we had the first two children were very close together. They were only 18 months apart, and when Katie was doing a lot of breastfeeding with Bobby, who's our second one, and being with him a lot, he was in the bed, basically. I was with Susie for that whole year when she was won. Little Kickers, Jimbury, a 10 o'clock club at Highburyfields, just everything, swimming lessons.

The only way I could get her to sleep was if she was on top of me. So I spent many hours unable to move her for fear of waking her up. And I had a very close bond with her when we were growing up. And so I've really felt that little hint of something. I thought something's not right and she didn't want me to go away. And it's a very strange thing. On the other hand, we're constantly joking about her, and now she's a woman, she's going to go.

I'll get her tickets for concerts. She loves concerts. So I took her to a couple of them, but now she wants to go. She wants to go by herself. She doesn't want me there. She went to Billy Eilish by herself. You sat outside the O2 in a car,

kind of waiting for her to leave a minute before the end. She knows exactly what to do at the O2. The O2 is one of the, you've got to know which escalator you're going down. Yeah, we've got to go in the right direction and you have got to run for that underground station because if you leave it, two minutes equals 2,000 people in the queue. The Wembley Stadium's the worst of that.

We went to watch Oasis. We had my mates were so pissed, we turned up and we couldn't find our entrance to the, we was in like a raw box, not a box, but like that area. We walked around the stadium, what a full loop. And we were so confused, we had another pine and then had another loop for two. what did you go to watch with her Alan

I've been to see well we all went to see Taylor Swift at Wembley yeah do you enjoy that well it's a second time I've seen Taylor Swift and I thought the first one was better that this one was so long so so long Katie took the boys out

before the end yeah and I said to her my advice to you here is leave okay she's done shake it off she's done two and a half hours now it's not going to get any better than this And it doesn't.

It doesn't rise to a crescendo. It just goes on for three hours. She starts off at a very high standard of pop music and maintains that eight, nine out of ten standard for three hours. So there's no climax. There's no finale. Get out. Get out.

Get to Wembley's heart. She's totally good ones. You're not waiting for one big one. Because Susie has learned all the words to all the songs, knows the set list, and is going to sing the lot and film most of it on her phone and then ran out battery. and filled my phone up with it as well

and then I thought well this is going to be hellish getting to the tube we'll just wait 20 minutes so then we watched about 500 people sweep all the debris off the pitch into overturned bins at the end of the pitch that was amazing to watch

for me that was a highlight but what an operation this is this woman is creating a lot of jobs for a lot of people she is an industry and fair play to her right and then so they filled all these bins we watched out for 20 minutes we went in we had a bit of food

and this kind of buffet the remnants of the buffet because we're in one of those boxes because of that absolute arm and the leg right we'll go now we went outside and there's still a massive cue at the sheep it still took 45 minutes to get to the platform we've waited for the crowd

to clear no one thought this through with Wembley no one thought if it makes you feel better when I went to boxing with my dad and he can't walk that great so like well he can't but not for long time. I've got car park in space in the red car park, right? So anyway, we do that. We wait, we eat a little thing, we sit down, we have another drink, leave it an hour and a half. So we come out at like half 11 at night. It is still rammed of people. We go to the car park and no one's moved from the car park. I mean, what's going on? They went, oh no, car park shut till 1 a.m.

1 a.m. You're not allowed to leave. 1 a.m. Do you know what I do? And I stand by it and I'm going to do it again for a race. I'm not going to do it again for a races. because I'm going for a wedding. I drive and I book a parking space in someone's driveway, 20 minute walk from Wembley. Brilliant. I can this way forward.

It is the way forward. What I used to do, when Arsenal played at Wembley in the Champions League with this big mistake, it turned out, because I couldn't win any of the matches, but they sold a lot of tickets. But I had a motorbike then. Oh, yeah.

I would go on that. Was this during your 10-year breakdown by any chance? This is in the 90s. And then you go around the North Circular at breakneck speed with speed camera of lights flashing at you. confident in the knowledge that none of them have got any filming because they used to have to actual filming them them. I used to have to take them to the chemist

those things to convict anyone. But I saw, yeah, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo, who I'd never heard of. Oh, how was that? She's brilliant. She's like Avril Levine. Yeah. Very impressive, quite like that sort of more indie style of music. So, I mean, I'm absolutely ancient. I'm sitting there, I'm looking around at other days, just looking at one another. How are you getting on?

Do you know, like a nod between like beetle drivers? Like, oh, yeah, you're right? It's more a sort of collective puffing out of the cheeks. Yeah, yeah. Especially when they're older. So when they're like, you know, 15 and 16 and say if you take them with a mate, you're just near them as they're having a night out with their mate because they don't want to sing the song to you or so you just sort of stood there as like a minder

almost as they have this evening. Everyone else is on their feet yelling and screaming and you're sitting. down. Do you do research? Do you think in the days leading up, I'm going to do Olivia Rodriguez's big albums on Spotify? Or do you just go in totally blind? Pretty blind. I'll listen to one or two. I'll tell you what happened. We were out on Hampstead Eve with the dog and Susie saw Olivia Rodrigo and her boyfriend. Fucking out, and they were having an ice cream and doing some selfies, probably creating content for their 85 million followers.

And she's, oh my God, it's Olivia Rodrigo. That is a mad spot, to be fair. That is incredible to see Olivia Rodrigo. She's spotted her from 100 yards, you know. To me, in case, she's just like any 21-year-old girl on the heath of her boyfriend having an ice cream. I couldn't see anything about them that was... And so that Francis is the 9-year-old, he was going,

why don't you go and say hello? You should go and say hello. And to suit his credit, she's like, I am not going to bother her. I'm going to leave her alone. I thought, if I've given them one thing as a parent, he's. If you recognise someone, leave them the fuck alone. Just leave people alone, all right? They don't want to speak to you, I guarantee it.

And then Olivia Rodriguez came up to you and said, I love Jonathan Craig. Absolutely love it. She says, any way you can get me on QI. How are you when people wanted to have photos then, when you had little kids, you know, because that's why I find really challenging. When you haven't spending that much time with the kids,

you know, it's family time, and then also you're tired and you're stressed because the kids are kicking off and then people want to come and say hello. In the past, have you had a bit of a sort of short tempo with that? Would you stay in front of the kids? I try not to, but I just lean into a bit of sarcasm. But, I mean, really, when Fran, who's the youngest,

when he used to like being on my shoulders, that was his favourite place to be until he got too heavy for that. So if he's on your shoulders and they're saying, can I have a face? photo and you're saying there's going to be two legs in the photo I said can you see you know I've got my kid on my

and they went yeah I know I said well no you can't oh they say I know I know you're with your family but do you mind and you know sometimes you can sort of work it in to your day out but I did someone got short shrift at

Lego land only last week my Achilles when I'm with the kids and I'm like holding them or comforting them or I've got my top off on holiday and they go have a selfie and like please don't take a photo of my tits. I don't even like being in that house with them out. This is just so hot.

But it's been a long time for me, you know, being on television in the late 90s and 2000, those days there was quite a lot. But not so many camera phones. Cameras. Yeah, of course, yeah. And especially if people who want to speak to you about my book I want to say, you know, give people the benefit of the doubt

and trying to be too grumpy. I don't care what you tread from the book. Yeah, your dad did what? He's on my shoulders and I want to go on the drag and ride, okay? It's my day off. How is it like being back on tour, Alan? Is it nice being back on tour after a decade? Being on stage, I enjoy, you know, I could do without a little bit in between,

but no one likes the commuting, do they? The response is being good. That's the thing. weaving in some bits and pieces from the book that it's quite more difficult to do comedy about, but... Oh, so are you speaking about that on stage for the... Because you've written about it,

but you've never really spoken about the abuse on stage, have you? No. In fact, talked about anything but, you know, gone as far away from it as possible, or talked about my dad in a way that's... Just for comic purposes, as if, you know, you know, dads, what are they like? You know, that kind of... Yeah, yeah. And some of your observational stuff,

but I'm quite eat the whole room. It's a feeling that if I'm not showing all the ingredients, you know, I'm presenting a difference. Yeah, yeah. I didn't know how that would go. I didn't know if I'd be able to work that in or how, you know, this kind of more truthful,

more serious-minded approach to creating material, but still wanting to be as funny as I ever was. So I went to the Edinburgh Festival in August and did a couple of weeks, and the response was very, very good. And I have got some hilarious stuff about erectile dysfunction that's arguably some of my finest material. I'm able to pad the show with very funny routines

I'm enjoying doing but at the same time feel like it's not totally trivial skin deep no but I think that's the evolution of what stand-up has become really people now see so much of everyone on TV and on social media that I think you've got to give that authentic version of yourself and if they feel like you're holding back or not being honest with them they will sort of like roll their eyes at it slightly so I think that's the way all of stand-ups gone.

I think you can't really get away you've just sort of glossing over stuff, I don't think really. Oh, I'm managing to. Yeah, that's possibly true. And also, but I do think if you always have been going on about yourself, which is my comedy is just my life,

my family, my kid, you know, and I'm 60 next year, I've had a lot of years gigging and I'm more able to talk about those things. And I'm looking at my audience. And there's a lot of grey hairs in the audience. and I know that they are going through all kinds of experiences not dissimilar, you know, life's ups and downs, isn't it?

So they've come with me. Quite a few, I was signing books after the show the other night and quite a few people were saying, we saw you here 10 years ago, you know. One person said, when are you coming back? I said, all right, you get the point, right? It takes me 10 years to come up at the show. I've got the dates here.

You are in Northampton, London, Wimbledon Theatre, Birmingham, Sheffield, Nottingham, Ipswich, Stockton, York, Cardiff, Lincoln, Stoke-on-Trent, Cambridge, Oxford, Swindon, Woking, London, Warrington, Southendon, Eastbourne. Oh, Australia, Australia, and Canterbury as well. Torrensville, where the fuck's that? That's a couple of places I'm going to an Australia that I have not been to before. St Kilda. That sounds like some sort of like offshore banking, isn't it? St. Kilda. That's Melbourne, really.

No, Thirl. I'm doing Thirl. Oh, amazing. That'd be great. Yeah, a lot of gigs. Let's do the final question. Let's do the final question. We didn't have this last time we were on, Alan. You were one of our first ever guests, weren't you, I think? I think it was. I remember something about a wall in your garden.

No one had anything to do, so I was quite happy to come on. When are you coming back? No. Five years. It's got much more relentless hit ratio for this podcast than a tour. You'll be promoting your next tour on your fourth appearance on this podcast in 2013 and 5. You two will have retired. I'll be going through my 2001-2011 phase.

We'll be going out of the kids, well, one's 22, and I've not spoken to him for two months. How are you? He's travelling somewhere. I'm sorry, I've got a really bad nose date. What's on your nose? I've got head cold. I'm just really blocked up.

Alan, what one thing does your wife do as a parent that blows you away and you think is incredible and you just like to give a nice thanks for that? and combine that with what one thing does she do that you haven't mentioned, but it does annoy you about her parenting? Well, it's almost the same thing, which is she's extremely attentive to their teeth. To their teeth? There's a lot of dentistry.

They're looking after overlapping teeth and wonky teeth, and one of them had a tooth that wasn't coming down properly and was going sideways and that was going to be a problem. and getting that all that stuff sorted out is absolutely her department and I'm full of admiration for that because there were problems ahead that have been sorted

the flip side of that is that a lot of work at the orthodontists costs an unbelievable amount of money so there's one thing I could change it would be how much that costs in her parenting you would change the price of the orthodox The price of orthodontic treatment.

That's what comes to mind. He's had to go back out on tour after 10 years to play for the orthodontist. The kid's got immaculate teeth. You know, that episode of The Simpsons or they do the book of British teeth. Oh, yeah. No, not in our family.

Thank you so much, Alan. Thank you. Good luck with the book and the rest of the tour. Both books are out now. You've done three books, actually, haven't you? Yeah, there's another one from 2009 that no one read. Some of it's not bad.

There's too much football in it. That's what put people in it. Should have done a separate football book. Yeah. Well, 10 years. See you in 10 years for that one. We'll talk to you about that then. Thank you, Alan Davis. It's always a joy. And Michael said it was May 2020. Wow. So it's over five years. Alan Davis.

Love Alan Davis. Yeah, his first book. I'm going to go back and read it. I was a bit nervous about reading it because I thought it might be too bleak. I read it and it was a very difficult read, but he's so well written. But I'm looking forward to reading this next one where it's not all about the abuse. It's more what came next. It's about the one thing worse than that, which is stand-up comedy. Well, no, I think it gives a bit of inspiration that you can go through that horrible thing and then manage to create something of your life. And then, in the third stage, being reflective enough to understand that what drove that success

also made him a little bit unhappy as well. So then he did all that to help his kids. What a guy. What a guy. Now what, that was quite interesting. Oh. Do do do do, do, whatever the fucking music is. Yeah, he gives a shit anymore.

No one's listened to this podcast by this point. See you Tuesday. Bye.