Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S11 EP16: Lou shaves Rob's back in the garden...

Episode Date: October 7, 2025

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Not another wrong turn. Visit CAMH.ca to help us forge a better path for mental health care. Hello, I'm Rob Beckett And I'm Josh Whittickham Welcome to Parent in Hell The show in which Josh and I discuss What it's really like to be a parent Which I would say can be a little tricky

So to make ourselves and hopefully you Feel better about the trials and tribulations Of modern day parenting Each week, you'll be chatting to a famous parent About how they're coping Or hopefully how they're not coping And we'll also be hearing from you The listener with your tips, advice

And of course, Tales of Parenting Woe Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Sophia, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And Josh.

Rob Beckett. And Josh. Whittickham. Wickham. Well done. Wickham. Do you know what, Rob? Yeah.

I remember when you suggested that feature to me, and I thought, yeah, that'll be alright. It's one of the best things you've ever come. come up with five years on it's still going strong it's just nice isn't it it's a great way to start let me guess where they're from do you want the email first

yeah give me the email and hold any okay greetings from Norfolk this is now this is our two and a half year old daughter Sophia who always starts saying your names whenever the podcast is on in the car and thinks she's very clever I find it interesting that people have

the podcast on in the car because I have zero of my own choice when the car the car to me is the kids are in charge of what's played but I just couldn't put on a podcast that I like while they're there I just I suppose if they're really young

and they don't know what's going on yeah good point she's not Sophia's not asking for Chapel Rhone is she we write this a day after she had her first decent accident face planting the pavement after falling out of the pram

fucking out as usual with a toddler But after half an hour, feeling sorry for herself, she was running around the house as normal, but looks like she's been in a brawl at the local pub and he's telling everyone she meets about bumping her head. Stay sexy and relatable. P.S., I work on your favourite airline, and I'm sorry on your behalf.

Right. Now, I think that they are a bit posh because he said brawl for a fight in a pub. He's called Zachary. Zachary, and it's a fit, yeah. So I think they are somewhere like West London or Surrey close to the airport. They are close to one of the, the airports.

We're all in it. They're from Sussex. Hailsham, so that's Gatwick, right? Yeah. Yeah, there we go. Shit. There we go. Not far, though, from Surrey.

Not far. Not far. When you're like a country bumpkin like me, Rob, it all kind of blurs into one, the southeast. Yeah, all these bloody townies now that you're out there in the sticks. Yeah. How is it being Exeter country boy? Three minutes from a waitress.

You three minutes for a waitress? You are? Yeah. Yeah, but you're not really the countryside. You're basically the suburbs. Well, no, actually, really, we're in the town, Rob. You're in the town? I'm in the town.

But he's not Exeter's the town. Is Exeter the town? No, it's the city. What, Exeter City? Yeah, yeah, course. Keep telling yourself. One of Lloyd Griffiths' favourite cathedrals. Lloyd went to uni here.

Yes, he did. Loads of poshos go to uni and exit. It's a weird one. Why do all the poshos go there? Is it for thick poshos? No, it's not for thick poshos. Well, where do all the thick poshos go? They've got to go somewhere because they're not getting into like Durham, Cambridge and Oxford.

The thick poshos. Where do they go? No, they don't go to Exeter. Exeter's for clever, salt with the earth people like Lloyd Griffith. Yeah, but he was very much in the minority as a little scummer from Cleefelps within that. And all his mates from Exeter are poshos. Should I ring him and ask him? Yeah. It's a very good university. It gets very good grades. I wouldn't have been able to get into it. Don't get worried about slagging off the fucking uni in case you get bashed up by the march past your house.

Death to Whitacum. See if he answers. Hello Lloyd. That's a bit on brand for my tastes. Oh, you're on the podcast with me and Josh, Lloyd. Okay. I had a question about Exeter because you went there and Josh now lives there.

Yeah. Is it a uni for thick poshoes? It's a hard question to answer, isn't it? Is it sort of like where, because poshoes are all going to go uni anyway because they're rich? No, it's not one of them. Is that where they go?

No. Yeah, it has got a little bit of that reputation. And if you can't get into Oxford or Cambridge. But that doesn't make you thick. Like to kind of have that lifestyle, as it were. Lots of posh people. Yes, lots of posh people. Cheers, Lloyd.

Thanks for clearing that up. Are you on tour? You've got anything to promote while we're here? I've got hangover. Love you. Bye. Bye. He's a nice man.

When's he going to have kids? Yeah, when Lloyd has kids, we'll get him on. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he's not a uni for thick posho. It's going to have loads of parents with you up now because they're kids going to exit. I'm going to exit. I love Exit at a university. I love Texas too.

I went to a coffee morning this morning, Rob, for the parents. What about? What's the coffee one? The school coffee morning, yeah. Yeah. I added to the parents' WhatsApp group. I'm in now. Have you left the other one?

No, I haven't, Rob. Oh, God, that's weird. Can I tell you about the other one? Go on. I think it's died of fucking death since we left. You think you were pushing the banter? I'm lurking on it. They've been really quiet, and I'm thinking, bloody hell.

You're missing us? I'm not on it. This is bad. Now this is exactly, I know this is going to get me shit and it's going to explain why Lou's written a book about being the default parent. Yeah, yeah. I'm not on a school WhatsApp room.

Yeah, of course you're fucking up. I've tapped out. That's not part of my remit in this world. Have you used the excuse that you can't really be giving your number out in your position? No, not that. Don't care about that. I tried in the start. I was club rep.

I was school rep. Oh, we remember that. We remember that, Rob. You got elbowed out. I was class rep and I got ousted out to buy it some, fucking busybody, no good troublemakers. Someone's not on the WhatsApp group. So now the only WhatsApp group I'm on is the football one where the school dads play football.

Oh, God. And I'm not on any school group WhatsApp whatsoever. See, this is mainly I was told. I got misinformation at the first that there was a mum's WhatsApp group. And I was like, that is fucking mental. Yeah, I'm on those ones. I sort of see myself as almost like a, maverick type cowboy man of the land and I'll turn up at kids parties and be a bit loose and they're like oh what about this one I'm just like hey you'd chill out we don't need to worry about that yet no but I was I was wrong this is a full parents WhatsApp group I'm on it now I've said hello we're ready to go right and have you met any of the school parents yet yeah so we went to the coffee morning oh yeah sorry go on yeah which is nice you don't drink coffee were you allowed I had tea the morning didn't you I had tea tea yeah it's very pleasant it's kind of different vibe no not not

not at all actually. Actually, Rob. Are they more relaxed because they're in Exeter than London? I would say, you know when Pete is so difficult for you? No, no, no, it's not. It's a bit. You've just moved to a new area. You're at a coffee morning at a new school. Your kids have just started to school, which brings its own problems and challenges. And even if you thought they were grade eight watts, you're going to have to go.

They're not. They're very nice, essentially. It's really nice, really well-combed in. But you know what? It does bring home to me. There is an element to East London, where the received wisdom is that everyone outside of that East London is backwards. I mean, talk about pot calling the kettle black. Do you know what I mean, wrong?

You could not pay me to live in Hackney with children. I would go mad Everywhere else in the country I'd rather live Yeah But do you know what I mean And when you're caught up in it You think

Is it calm Am I going to go somewhere And they're never going to have eaten A crisp that isn't salt and vinegar Fontaine's D.C. Are going to do a gig in the park Oh isn't that great I'm going to go and get a coffee now

That's all meat in the pub Where there's nowhere's for the kids to sit And nothing that they'll eat I don't think is shit and tiny There's nowhere to park It's dirty. There's people selling drugs at me house. But there's a chumble sound every week.

What a great community. Fuck off. Do you know what, Rob? Yeah. A month ago, I just said, how dare you? And now I'm saying preach. I miss a lot of people from East London. Of course.

But can I just say, I hate to be this guy. Yeah. I feel so much less stressed. Michael, doesn't he, his skin looks good. Don't think he looks more chilled Yeah, I think he looks better than he ever has But I do also live right in the heart of East London So I'm sort of slightly conflicted

I'm very happy for Josh But you haven't got kids Michael That's the difference Yeah If you had kids You could pay me to live there If I didn't have kids Oh yeah if I didn't have kids

You want to leave anyway Michael You're only staying there Because of the fucking time zone For this podcast You'll be in America Like a fucking rat up a drain pipe Yeah, you're not wrong. Yeah, you can go to my chilled like New York.

So I went to... Well, did you talk about the coffee morning? Did you make friends? Who's your new best friend? We did make friends and people are really nice and they're a laugh. And we all talked about how we didn't understand the geography homework that had been put on Google Teams and we all had a laugh about it. And then it transpired that this had been discussed on the WhatsApp group. I didn't know existed.

It was actually a bit of work for next term or something that had happened to appear on Google Teams. but obviously that was a panic on Sunday because suddenly there's this work that corresponds in no way to anything my daughter's done that has appeared in her homework Google Teams diary thing or whatever anyway do you go to the curriculum evenings I don't even know what that is

they would sort of tell you what they're going to teach them that year no go fuck no I don't do the fuck I'm going to fuck I trust a lot of this year did I tell you what right Lou who's been really busy and stressed obviously announced she's writing this book and she's got to do book promo and... Pre-order it now. She's got to do all this stuff for this book.

And she kept to stand to me, I'm just really busy. And then I'm like, don't worry, I'll work a little bit less and try and make some time for us and make sure you've got time. Then she fucking tells me she's a class rep. I've actually got angry of it.

I was just like, I'm not talking about this. I was like, this is mental. It's like you're moaning about being busy and you've taken on extra responsibilities for no cash that you've already done. Yeah. Rob, I understand your anger. Can I say that if you moved to exit,

you just feel a lot more chilled out about the whole thing. Ironically, most people when they go sober become smug, you've never done that. You've just sort of got on with it and that's your life choice. But the Exeter move has turned you into a fucking Instagram meme. Heros went for lunch for anniversary yesterday.

Yeah? Lovely place. I'm not sure I like this new chilled out, Josh. Because actually, it turns out you can have great food outside of East London. Why doesn't even told me, right? You've gone from snob to smug. I know.

It can't be some area I can exist on that isn't unlikable, but I'm still looking, right? It's got to be some sort of middle ground that's sort of high standards and self-aware, but, you know, it's hard to manage that. We spent the whole of the lunch talking about how we couldn't believe we used to live in London. I think you are looking at it for a slight rose. Tiddick glasses. Of course, of course, of course. But it's two and a half weeks in. Honeymoon.

Honeymoon period. If you were to be negative, Rob, I've got a driveway. I'm no longer coming out of the house and thinking, where did I park? Where's my car? Oh, I've walked the wrong way because last night there wasn't any parking on that street. It's so difficult. We lived in New Cross, there wasn't a driveway. There wasn't, it was double running outside our door, right?

There was nowhere to park. And it is just a nightmare with a kid doing that. When we lived in Hiver Green, we had a driveway, right, that we owned. And then this woman kept on parking on it. We didn't know how it was. We left an out going, excuse me, your park on the driveway. She went, oh, no, I'm allowed to park on there because it's owned by the flat upstairs, and we run the renting on it.

I thought, what the fuck? So I'm having an argument with her about parking there. That's his mental. Trying to get a buggy in. Oh, my God. I've got a driveway. I've got a driveway. I'm not bragging, but I, genuinely, my car, you know my car used to a total state.

Yeah. It's not now. And the reason I've realized is because it's quite near the house, my car. Yeah. Well, it's really near your house. It's on the drive. It can be in the house. Like, if there's rubbish in the car, I just put it in the bin.

Sorry, I'm sorry. It's these little things. I know, but it's when you hear that sentence out like, I know, I know, I can't believe it. I'm glad you enjoying it. Well, if you were to be critical from the move, what negatives do you think could you see on the horizon? Travel to London or going on holiday, trying to get to a proper airport. What do you mean the proper airport? How dare you?

Well, she nearest airport. Exeter. I'll rest of my case. Just going to hop on Exeter to Sydney. Heathrow, Rob. Yeah. Was an hour and a half from East London. Yeah, yeah.

It is, let me just check. I can tell you now, three and a half. It's three hours. Okay. So it's not that much extra. Just double, yeah. Yeah. But if you're getting up early, you're getting up early.

Just get a later flight. The things I, the London things I miss. Give me your hidden niggles. Okay, so obviously I was going to like the theatre and the opera twice a week. That's out of them. Were you? No, of course not. I didn't go once.

genuinely yeah when bands put tours on I go oh for fuck sake because fingers

cross with Bristol fingers cross with Bristol but you get this situation where you forget that you live in so you go oh 2 that's 22

oh no it's not so those are annoying I can't do that anyway at the moment because basically I've realised during tour No social life.

I can't do social life. Basically, I've got no social life till December. If you accept that, then your life and tour be more fun. You will not want to do the thing you put in. And also it's inappropriate to do it anyway because you should be in every night that you're not gigging. So that's fine. Actually, I'm fine with that.

Yeah, since I've accepted that and then I go a bit butt wild when the tour's over, but you're out five nights a week touring. You can't possibly go, right? I got offered to go to the football. Yeah, you just can't do that. Just can't do it. No, no. So those things.

I would say it is more difficult to tour. Yeah, it's a bit further. Kingslin was a long way. And it's a long ways ago to end up in Kingslin. Yes. No offense, Kings Lynn. And I did do bed for the night before. But then I did Kingslin and we couldn't do it in a night.

So I had to get dropped in Birmingham and then get the train back the next morning. Dropped in Birmingham? Yeah, because that's halfway between Kingslin and... How do you get to... Right. So where I live, if I want to get up north, I drive or I get a train into central London, which is 20 minutes, then I get a tube up to Kings Cross or Houston, and then it's like a couple of hours to like Manchester, Newcastle, York or Liverpool, wherever you're going. It's not difficult for me. Yeah. How do you do that from Exeter?

You'd get the train. I'll always get the train. Where to? Well, where am I going? Newcastle. I don't know about Newcastle, but you make it a train difficult. Right, Manchester, I'd get the train to Bristol and then the train. train up from Bristol. Oh, they do that route. Yeah, I think so. Or I go... Hang on, don't tell you. Birmingham and change. You're making it up if you don't know. I think it's probably

four hours to Manchester. We can't have this conversation because you don't know. I haven't been to these places yet. I know, but that's my point. I'm saying, well, how do you do it? You need to say, I don't know. I've not done it yet. Not, I assume there's a train from Bristol to Manchester that I can get. There's definitely one from Birmingham. Well, for how long is that to get to... Two hours to Birmingham and then an extra, what, 45 minutes from Birmingham? Well, I don't know, because I'm not done it. I am going to spend longer on. I am going to spend longer on trains, right? But I fucking love the train. You love trains. That's fine. And do you know

what I'm going to say, Rob? Yeah. Do you know what I'm glad we did? If I was to give some more advice, move somewhere you've got a connection to. Yes. So you live somewhere where you and Lou near your families, near where you grew up. The thought of moving somewhere that you have got no real connection to and you have to totally build your life,

that feels really difficult. I'm sure it's doable, but it must be challenging. Yeah, but it's much more of a challenge. Have you seen Plymouth play? No, because it's the same thing with the tour, isn't it? You might be able to get a few Plymouth away games when you're away on tour. Well, I try and do that every time, but no dice and also a shit. How the kids getting on, though, with the new school? Is it better?

My daughter loves the school. She's loving it. Oh, that's great, because I thought she would be more challenging because she'd already got established at the old one. Do you know what? she built up her confidence so well in the old school because it was smaller and she was like a confident one of the more confident kids in the class at the old school

and she's just made friends really easily she's got her birthday in three weeks Rob I'd be interesting your take on this so we're doing a London birthday we're going to go up for the weekend and she's going to go ice skating with all her old mates from London will the ice rinks be up then

no indoor where are you going to do that there's a really brilliant ice rink in Clapton. Oh, in East London. Back to East London. Yeah, yeah. And all our friends live there. How do you feel about that trip up

after you've just called them all complete fucking morons? I haven't. I haven't. Go back and listen to the tapes. Fair enough. So you're doing London, yeah? So we're doing that. But we are going to do Temping Box.

here. Yeah. After school on a Friday. Nice. We're just going to invite like five or six kids that she's met. Do you think that's all right rather than inviting the full class of 20? There's been no birthdays yet. She doesn't even know the names of half the class yet. So take the decision away from her. So she doesn't feel guilty and say, oh, she doesn't feel guilty. She named the kids. And I was like, are you sure about drawing a line? I was the one that was feeling guilty. Yeah, I know. So But if she's happy with that, then say, like, you can have five kids, like five friends to go bowling and you take those five, then what you could always do. If you want to meet the parents before, you could always say like, look, they're coming. You can hang around and you can drop them or you can hang around and have a drinking bar.

I think we're going to have the parents hang around because I don't. You don't know. I've never met the kids. Well, don't you say that then just say, we're going to go 10 people on a Friday. We'll run the party. But you feel free to drop, but we'd love you guys to stay so we can say hello and the kids because kids don't know us yet and we don't know anyone yet. Yeah. You know, we're going to get a few drinks and a bit of food and stuff.

I don't push it. How about this? I think that's a good idea to go smaller while she's died. You can stay and there's drinks and food available which you can buy yourselves. How does that say? Yeah, I just think really, for the sake of what's going to cost you a couple of extra quid, you could, you know, why live rich when you can die a legend? Also, it's her birthday, so really would you like to chip in for her to go bowling?

No, no, that's not how it works. But I think, yeah, smaller's better because especially as they get older, they don't want big parties. I think they're shit. Whole class parties fucking... Imagine if you, right, this was adults, you've got a new job in an office

and you work with 40 people and then your mum and dad come along and force you to invite every single person at your office to go to the pub. People are, not them. But I think it's good doing a London one as well for her, that's nice, because that'd be fun as well

because you've got to go back for stuff, ain't you? Oh, Rob. Yeah. We got our cutlery back. Are we allowed to talk about the cutlery? No, I don't think we should yet. Can I show you how much was

left in the house. So it turns out the removal people who did an incredible job missed two drawers of cutlery. Apart from this, they did an incredible job. I'm not angry, I think it's quite funny. Two drawers of cutlery and a draw of trays. Yeah.

And the dishwasher. Were they supposed to take the dishwasher? No, no, no. There's all the stuff in the dishwasher. All the stuff in the dishwasher, okay. Here's how much was sent to us. You would think, though, it would be easy. I don't have a go at the removal people

but if the house is supposed to be empty it's supposed to be empty Yeah You would think that Wouldn't you So it's just that Oh it's not that much Quite a bit

Yeah so you did you have no cutlery then No So that was everything That was everything I don't know why you're showing it to me It's a lot of stuff You don't think that's a lot of stuff To miss

No Cutlery Plates Trace I know but you were defending The delivery people earlier So I didn't feel like I was allowed to say

Yeah no I know That's because I was panicking It's fucking mental That they didn't pack it. Yeah, just checking. Just checking. Because the point of removal

is everything in this house has to go. Surely, even when I'm going on holiday, I double check the rooms. Surely you go through the fucking drawers. Secret drawers. Dishwasher, I let them off. Yeah. But drawers.

Well, they secret drawers? There was secret drawers. You know that because it's London, Rob, we didn't have enough room for drawers. For drawers. So draw within a drawer. Oh, so now I'm back on the removal side then. Oh, yeah.

You need to tell them about the secret drawers. Yeah, I know. We forgot. And what about this? And also, it's quite a draw. advisable to pack up some cutlery so you know where it is, so you've got it on arrival. Yeah, well, cheers, mate. Horses bolt.

It's good to know for when we move back next year. You move back to London in a week. Do you want to start taking a bat on when we're going to move next? I think you've picked a good place to go to. I think if you'd picked a really mad village in the middle of nowhere, I'd be suspicious. But I feel like where you are, even though it is a bit longer, you've got really good transport links and your exit is a beautiful, lovely city and there's loads of stuff there. So I don't think you're going to struggle.

This is a problem. struggled to get a pre-booked cab to the station the other day. Yeah, I'd do a lot of drive into the station and parking there, which is easier. That happens a lot. Yeah, there's no parking at the station because it's a major city station. Oh, yes. And I had to drag a very heavy suitcase, 40-minute walk up and downhills across town. Yes.

On the morning I was doing Christmas Live at the Apollo, and I was drinking with sweat. So is it a 40-minute walk to the station? Yeah. That's not too bad. That's not too bad. if you haven't got the suitcase. I find the taxi situation infuriating. What you can do is I set up an account of the local firm.

I know, I need to do that. I need to do that. So getting about, how is Rose's driving? Well, she's passed her theory. She passed a theory? Because that will help if she can drop you off at the station. Yeah, she's going to try and pass as quickly as possible. Let's put it that way.

When you're down there now, you need it. Yeah. That will really help your life. I know. Not too much pressure on Rose. Not too much pressure on Rose. It's actually less life-affecting. I'd say the biggest life change,

but you're dragging a suitcase across Exeter. I know, but I used to be driving to school every day. I will drag a suitcase across Exeter before I drive 1.6 miles in Hackney ever again. Yeah, fair enough. Anyway, I'm being insufferable. You're not being insufferable. Where do you think you've been insufferable? Just because I'm like, my life's so much better now.

Yeah, I know, but that's fine. We've laughed at your life, been a mess for ages. Let you have your flowers. But the good news is, if you're worried, that life's going to settle down. Josh, we know you. The builder's coming to look around the house this afternoon. Why is it built?

What? Just about when we're going to do the renovations. But I thought you just needed to decorate. That's what I mean. Now, if you want a prediction, here we go. You're going to be in an Airbnb for two months, within six months,

while they do the work. You know that 100 quid I paid to charity? Yeah. Double-o quits? I mean, I've already paid it. Do you want to about 100 quid? A builder. We will not be going to Airbnb.

Having a builder is red flag. to me, if you've got a decorator coming around or a plasterer or a plumber and a builder implies site management, foreman, he'll be getting in a crew of guys to begin the work. No, but there should be a crew of guys for the decorating. So it's just decoration? Well, no, floors. Yeah. That's a builder's job, isn't it?

Walls? Walls. Are some walls coming down? No. There's some going up? No. Okay. But walls are being altered in terms of paint.

Yeah, but they're being painted, but they're not going to be moved or changed. There's no moving of walls. There is no moving of walls. There's no moving of walls. At all. At all. I think that might change. Okay.

Can I predict? Can I predict? Let's do some predictions. The builder comes round. You just think it's a bit of decorating. I know what my big concern is. Right. There's a bit of decorating, right?

So I think this is what's going to happen. Lovely house, just needs a bit of a redecoration. Rose already deep down has got ideas that you don't even know about. Well, I think we can both agree. with that. Yeah, there is stuff that's happening to that house already in her mind that you don't even know about. Yeah. Builder come around and go, yeah, sure, we can redo those floors. We could do that. Well, let me have a quick look at that wiring. Oh, that wiring. Yeah, it's a bit old. It works. But, you know, if you're going to be in there for 25 years, you might want to,

and that plumbing's not, you know, it's about 10 years old now. So it's not going to, you can have to change it at some point. And if we're ripping all this wall out, we might as well do the pipes and the wiring while we're ripping all the wall out. And then I've ripped that wall out. Come here, Rose. Come here, Rose. Come here, Rose, is what the builder would say. If I move that wall back there and pull that back in, then that toilet would become bigger because these toilets were built back in the day when they need to be that big. But actually, we can make that a bit bigger and move that around there.

And just the layout, it will flow better. Oh, no. Oh, no. That's my prediction. Okay, well, the good news is, Rob, because we're recording more than one episode this week. Yeah. I've got the builder this afternoon. Yeah. And I'll be able to update you on how it went tomorrow.

Is it just you on the builder or is Rosa as well? Oh, Rose is there? Yeah. What is your concern? You had a concern? windows windows windows are expensive have you got double glazed windows no you're fucked no i'm not windows are meant they're the one thing windows are mad the cost of windows is insane can we just all agree on this new windows if you had like a three-bedroomed house in like

the suburbs somewhere to get the window it's like tens of thousands for windows it's mad it's insane you're going to need new windows it's just whether you decide to get them or not. Exactly, yeah. Now, we know that Rose will convince you to get new windows. No, because we might be looking at phases here, might and we. Different phases of work. Yeah.

Like you did at the old house, redo the entire kitchen, put it on the market. You know? Yeah, yeah. Those phases. Anyway, well, let's know what the builder says. Yeah. But Windows, you've already resigned yourself. I will bet you 100 quid.

You might not be able to. The charity. Yeah. which I'll make by selling my old windows. I bet you eight quid. I'll bet you eight quid to charity that we don't move any walls in the next year. Yeah, that may be true, but there will be hidden costs.

Anyway. I've got a problem. Yeah. Been watching cool run-ins with my kids. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Great film. Oh, no, is it dated badly? It hasn't actually.

Because I watched Trading Places recently and I tell you what, you don't want to watch that with your kids. Yeah. I mean, well, the main problem is in 2025, my children have spent the whole, whole morning talking of a Jamaican accent. Oh yeah, that is bad.

So I don't know how to deal with it because I don't really want to make it a bigger problem than it is because it's all quite innocent the same way as... Give me an example. So, for example, they watch Minecraft and they're... And what would they say? Steve, love a chicken, da, da, da, da, harder than hell, Steve, because it's just something for the thing.

So what's happening now is, would you like to breakfast? Yeah, man. But he's like, Sanka, you're dead. And he goes, yeah, man. That's the running joke. The whole thing is, Sanka, you're dead. And he goes, yeah, man.

but obviously in a dragon accident. So my seven to nine-year-old are wandering around going, yeah, my. And did you say you shouldn't do that at school? I just sort of ignored it, hoping that they'd get bored of it and not make it a thing because it feels like... Bear in mind, and it was a different time, that catchphrase, I think we were doing that when I was 10 or whatever it was for two years

after watching Cool Runners. Because it... Once I'd watch Cool Runnings, don't cancel me but I didn't know at the time as soon as you said that I thought I did that for fucking years I don't know it's weird

with certain accents isn't it because if you watch an American film and you did an American accent it's because it's a catchphrase right yeah it's a catchphrase it's like if you showed her the mask she'd say that for a while

she's not thinking I like the Jamaican action she's thinking that's that funny catchphrase from that thing yeah like the Steve's love of chicken song so I didn't say anything The accent actually is not a great one. It's a bit more like, Yaman, which in school, if she was to say it,

and she went, yeah, man, I don't think, unless I've told them that they've watched Call Runnings, you've been like, why is she speaking with? But it's not, and she's not dressing up as the characters. No, no, it's just saying, yeah, Matt, but hopefully it will stop. I don't think you'd say it's your teacher anyway. I don't think you'd say to your teacher. You might say. You've done your own work.

There's a chance. Mike, is this okay? I don't know what's allowed you. There's a chance that will spread around the playground, like wildfire. Oh, yeah, they just all get into it. They'll walk around and little eggs that they kiss before they do for you. But also, bear in mind, how watching that? What year was that 94 probably?

Yeah. So that's 30 years old. That's the equivalent to when you were 10 being shown a film from 1967 or something like... It's a wonderful life. Yeah. It is mad that you're showing at that. Like, if your parents had sat you down and watched you. watched Zulu.

Are you fucking insane? I think it's because it's colour, like, not black and white. When I was a kid, I just wouldn't watch a black and white film. Yeah. I gave up on Wizard of Oz until I found out. Yeah, exactly. I've got an answer to you for that question that we ask our guest, the one thing that frustrates you about your partner's parenting.

Yeah, you're not going to do the bit that you love. No, you already know that. Now, Lou's going to get the right on with this, and she's going to want to come on for a right of reply. I imagine she'll probably fucking do an Instagram story snagging me off. I'm looking forward to the voice night.

When Lou brushes the girl's hair in the morning. Too hard? Yes. And she doesn't give a shit. I don't know about that and I don't think she's doing it on purposely too hard.

But what I would say about Lou is, you know, some people have got a delicate touch, like a surgeon. Just some people glide through. Like Zinidine Zadat? Yes. Like a surgeon has perfectly manicured nails and there's a delicate touch to be a surgeon.

Whatever the opposite of that is, that's what Lou has. She's clumpy and clumsy. Is that what you're saying about Lou? No. That seems to be what you're saying. No. She's got the delicate touch

of one of those guys that does the pneumatic drill on the pavement that you walk past in the big headphones. Is that what you're saying? If Lou wants to get up off the sofa and she's laying next to me,

she will put a hand on my leg and just push off it like I'm, you know. And Lou very kindly shaves my back hair. So what? Do you not know about that? Who are you, Malcolm, in the middle? What's going on? Every few weeks,

we stand in the garden In the corner of the reasons you can't see it. Yes, so it doesn't go on the floor. But you could sweep up inside. Yeah, no, but the wind takes it and I imagine birds use it for a nest. Every few weeks. I'm so hairy.

How quickly is it, does she do the front? Well, she does the top of the front that I can't see, and then I do tips down. This is fucking mental. How have you still got a sex life? I love that you've assumed we do. But how soon into your relationship did this disgusting habit begin?

Well, it's not disgusting. It's just like, I can't reach it. And it makes all my t-shirts puffy because it's like, I'm not Tom Selleck, mate. It's so thick. Yeah, but Tom Selleck didn't get his wife to shave himself. No, he just left it to grow. But when you're doing it, though,

when there's that a bit of loose hair, she'll just like, hit me. And your hair's so puffy that the t-shirts will inflate on you, like the Michelin, man. Yes, yeah. If I leave it, it gets to about an inch and a half deep. Yeah, all right. So when it gets to that big, I trim here,

but then if there's a loose hair in, she would sort of like hit me, but so hard. And is it, sorry, shaving it with a clippers? Yeah, just clippers. Like a sheep. Yeah, like a sheep. But then when there's a loose it, she'll like jab at me, pick it up. Like, she's quite rough with her hand.

Can I ask, is it all year round? Or in winter, are you allowed to do it inside? Sometimes it do it in winter because it's quite funny how cold it is. And it will be like with a coat on. And I've got my top of those. But I can only do outside in the winter if I've got like slippers on. If I'm going. This is meant.

This is mental. I'm sure loads of... No, they're not! I'm actually going to ask the girls to start doing it instead of Lou, but I don't know if that's mental. Oh my God, that's worse. That's scarring. That's scarring, isn't it?

Every time she brushes her hair, the girls get hurt or burst into tears. Now, a lot of the time, the girls are looking for it. It's a bit like a footballer trying to get someone sent off. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of feigning, but she's stronger than she realizes, Lou. Yeah, yeah. And she does it, and I'm just like...

When she's shaving your back, what a fucking phrase, Do you ever go, could you just be a bit less rough with that shaving? Because you're leaving some red marks on my back. Yeah, but she'll just go, stop complaining. But she's... I think you can't complain at that point. I know you can't complain. You've got your wife to shave your back in a field.

I'm not complaining about that, but I can see how I wouldn't let her brush my hair. That's what I'm saying. When you lived in a, were you in a terrace street? You're certainly in a street with the garden next door. Yeah. Where were you having your back shaved then? Still in the garden, it would be down like the closest bit to the fence

so they'd have to really stand over the fence to look at it kind of thing. So I'd find a corner where no one could see me. Oh, my word. It's disgusting. But I just don't know how to communicate to Lou, to brush more gently. But then she'll say someone like,

well, you don't understand. Why don't you do the brushing? I suggest this. Yeah. But obviously, I'm not always there. But like, yeah, but that's because you're not brushing it properly because you're not doing the underneath bit, which gets mad you're only doing the top bit.

I just think if she used more of the spray and did it more softly. Spray. What's the spray? The tangle spray. But look, she's going to go mental about this because it winds her up. But I just think she's too rough

with her hair brushing and I've said it now. God. I can't expect guests to be honest if I'm not honest. Can I just check? Lou has a book out. It's announced one week. Suddenly you feel a bit insecure. You decide to start having to go out on the podcast.

Or is it the ultimate PR? Is this the ultimate? PR stage divorce over back shaving get the headlines promote the book and then rekindle so what would you do if lou left you backwise if lou left me backwise what i normally do is this is this is mental so i just do it myself so that the shoulders are gone and then it's just there's just like a strip that i can't reach in my lower back but then i just a big furry strip it's the same way i was trying to put sun cream on your own back yeah there will be a gap so i just set a little circle and of it. What about your shoulders?

I can do that myself like that. No, no, but are your shoulders hairy? Yeah. So it's full chest and belly, shoulders, top of arms and back. Wow. What about your legs? I might get a laser shirt. You can get laser hair removal on your back. You don't want it too. But I don't mind a hairy chest, but it's like, I don't like it on the back, and then it puffs up all my shirts, and I haven't got a neck already.

So if I've got, if it's all puffing up, like, I'm losing that another inch of neck. Michael, I hate to make suggestions for quotes for the name of the podcast, but come we call this one Lou Shaves Rob's back in the garden with a winky smiley face Do you have a hairy chest in back, Michael? I'd say a chest is probably an eight the back, no, until the last few years

it's probably like a six on the shoulders. And when did this start? A hairy chest? Mid-20s? And how do I put this? What about your ass? It's horrible. Not the actual cheeks.

They're fine. But the yinids It's a fucking coral reef down there Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha But what do you do? I'm not going to go into a clinic And put me legs up and get someone to wax me assail No, exactly

Waddle into the Glades Bromley shopping centre And put some poor beautician through that Oh my corn's come back on my foot by the way What were here How'd you get that? How'd you get a corn? I don't know it's a buildup of dead skin in a corn. Oh God.

Why don't you get Rose to just file it down in the garden for you? Yeah, I might do that. Oh, I've got to talk to you about Greg Davis's shoe. At my wedding? Yeah, your wedding.

So, your wedding in London. I've got such a block nose. It's awful. It's okay. We don't have a kind of noise. Sorry, I'm just going to put the mic off so I can... Oh, no, he's sniffing it up and swallowing.

Oh, that was horrible. Sorry. It was worse watching that in silence and hearing it, I think. Sorry. It's all right. I've got a head cold. Oh, shut up.

Your head cold. It's not. a thing. Have some pseudafid. Why, that would be acknowledging it's a thing. To unblock your nose, but it's not enough to sort of winge about. You unblock that, crack on.

Yeah, breakfast. It's 20 past 12. Greg Davis, at your wedding, he didn't know what to wear because he was like, it's not a proper wedding because it was like the London party because you got married abroad.

Yeah. He turned up with like a nice sort of smart, casual outfit, but with trainers on and then he had some shoes in a bag. Ah. Right. So anyway, he was walking around

with a bag and I was chatting to him going, we got he went I brought shoes and I was like all right I went I thought might be smart but I don't know where to put them I went well just leave him out the back or put them by a table sheet no I don't want it because they're really special shoes

I was like why they're so special and oh they're like he's got such massive feet they're like handmade ones his agent got him when he was hosting the Royal Very performance it's like a present I think they're like lob or something

I don't know well anyway low app whatever he's got massive feet and they were handmade to fit him perfectly he went oh I don't want to lose him because they're quite sentimental so they mean quite a lot. I don't want to lose it. I went, oh, fair enough.

Just changing to them. Put the trains in the bag. Well, exactly. Anyway, I carried on chatting to him. I ended up going to another bar with him after yours finished on a few others. Anyway, the next day he texted me, went, did you steal one of my shoes?

And I went, no. You definitely did, little fucker, give me my shoe back. And this is honest true, because I swear in my life, I did not nick his shoe. I went, Greg, I did not need, but you went, someone's knit my fucking shoe, and you're the only person I spoke to about my shoes. and then I said

you didn't take it that well I said well do you think the second bar we went to I think you put your bag down because we were standing up chatting do you think someone's just knicked one and he went

well why would they just knit one shoe I went good point well they'd be drunk and it's a pretty big fucking shoe did you say that yeah

if I saw a shoe that big it's quite fun to see a shoe that I was quite impressed by the size of the shoe when I see the shoe So if you're 18 and you're drunk and you see a bag of massive shoes, you nick a shoe. But he still maintains, I nicked his shoe, but I never nicked his shoe.

If anyone stole from a South London pub. When did you get married? What year was that? 2019. 2019. What date was your... September the 28th? So September...

It was seven years ago this week. Have you had a big shoe like a canoe for seven years, minus six days? 2019 in September. I think we were somewhere in London Bridge or like... You were East London, wasn't it? Your bar or Central. It was Exmouth Market. So it was Exmouth Market.

Then we ended up going somewhere else, like London Bridgeway. If you've stolen a massive shoe... That's worth a lot of money. Yeah, get into contact and I'll pay you a reward for charity. Oh, there we go. That's nice. Well, talking of nice, Rob. Yeah.

Should we do? The small business shout out. Oh, by the way, as well... Sorry, to interrupt. You've got to watch Joe and Stacey on BBC, their second series. They take all seven children skiing, and they've got like a 50... A 17-year-old, a 15-year-old, a 6-year-old, a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old. And they get the train, and it looks fucking chaos.

Just watch that. If you've got kids and you think holidays are stressful, watch Joe and Stacey take them skiing. It's absolutely men's so funny. Rose's sister is currently working on sort your life out of Stacey Solomon. Oh, yeah. And said she's absolutely lovely. She's amazing.

So she's the real deal. She's the real deal. but like it just they've got great intentions but the organisation's chaos it's so funny can I also say I'm halfway through it and I can't wait tonight to finish watching the Charlie Sheen

documentary on Netflix out Oh I've watched it all Yeah It's mad in it It's fucking insane isn't it It's a good watch I like him I don't know what happened

I don't know I'd see I felt like I liked him I was like oh this is such Does it trail off towards the end You're like of him A little bit when it gets a bit like They speak to him about some more serious allegation

and he denies all of it but then you sort of think he was so fucked up on like crack cocaine God knows what he did and could even remember well I'll come to that I look forward to that anyway that's how I felt about it was a bit like

oh Jesus this is a bit dark you watched it Michael no but I saw I've told you the story when I saw Charlie Sheen around this time of sort of peak of his fame he put on a show as in New York he put on a show at Radio City Music Hall which was sort of an evening with Charlie Sheen Oh, yeah, that was after he got his show cancelled.

They'd cover that in the documentary. I was in New York at the time when we went to it. And it was a coin toss between getting to meet Tina Faye at a book signing and going to see Charlie Sheen alive. You made the right decision because that's historic. He came on stage. He was absolutely fucked on God knows what, but he could barely walk or stand. Proceeded to tell a series of anecdotes for about 45 minutes.

When he walked on like that, was part of you excited? Yeah, in a sort of quite macabre way. it was you know rubbernecking car crash this is going to be one of the greatest nights of you know this will go down in history what actually happened was he sort of slumped in this armchair on the stage didn't complete a single anecdote 45 minutes was it just him just him

crowd started to turn on him and people were getting like sort of booing and restless and then about 45 minutes he said oh I'm going to bring my girls on my ladies on I think two or three of his in quotes girlfriends came out. Ease called him goddesses, didn't he? Yeah, passing no judgment.

I suspect they were being paid for their time and their company. They came on stage, sat on his lap. Well, that's our all performers. Fawned over him for about five minutes, and then he stood up and looked at his watch and he went, okay, that's all I've been contractually obliged to do and just walked off stage.

Jesus, wow. And I thought the place was going to ride it. Was there a pause? No, no, no. People were fucking living, because we paid about $250 for these tickets. I'm going to say, if you've bought those tickets, you know what you're fucking signing up it's not like you've bought tickets to see

cold play and Chris Martin stumbled on and not known anything like you know what you're fucking buying tickets to oh dear all of that's covered in the second episode so you've been for an absolute treat right well another good recommendation is the Dallas Cowboys documentary oh yeah I really want to watch that's really good

I've got the Hearn one to come as well I mean it's a great era for docs good morning I'd like to give a shout up to my brother-in-law's small business Angus runs an inflatable theme part and worked so hard traveling all over the country to provide a great day for two to 14 year olds. He has over 20 inflatables, including a helter-skelter, huge slides and themed castles. He's in Taunton.

Here we bloody go. Just five minutes from the M5 in July and August, then off to Porter's Head. So it provides a great stop for anybody traveling down to the coast with kids needing to burn off energy during the summer. Hopefully Josh might pop into one of his trips down south. This was sent a while ago. So I tell you what you don't want to be doing, robbing an inflatable for theme park. What's that?

Popping in, am I right? Oh, in case you burst it. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. If you don't stick around with the small business, you're missing out on some humour. That's what I'm saying. Some great puns coming your way.

Yeah, more information can be found, not on the humour, on the theme parks, at H-T-PS, colon, forward slash, forward slash, inflatable theme park.com. Or inflatable theme park UK on Facebook. Keep up the fantastic work, keeping parents sane, Sophie. I got one here.

Hello, Rob, Josh and Michael. We'd hugely appreciate a shout out for our small business, A Little Brush, based in Ware, Hertfordshire. My husband, Matt, is an incredible... Well... Stick around for the small business. There's also humour.

Have some heart. We're trying to do a small business show out here. Oh, here we go. My husband, Matt, is an incredible watercolour artist, as well as the best dad to our two young kids, three and five. And it's built up a portfolio of almost 200 wedding venues.

portraits, which we sell as personalised print, perfect gifts for weddings and anniversaries. We take on customer orders for original house portraits and pet portraits too, and I also designed bespoke wedding stationery. I went full time with running the business in Jan and I'm loving the flexibility it brings to manage work and life alongside the kids, but we could definitely do with a bit of help to get our name out there. You can find us at A Little Brush UK or Ailittlebrush.com. on the website. Now, listeners can get 20% off everything in our website shop using code

parenting hell. No spaces, all capitals. Matt and I both love the podcast. He painted the evening while listening and I've bought many things after hearing about them on your shout out so I know the impact you guys can have on small businesses. Thank you so much, Abby, 422 months. There you go, A Little Brush. Oh, that's nice. I got, can I just also thank? Oh, fuck. I can't find it. What is it? I don't know. I can't find it so I won't thank them. Someone gave me some incredible biscuits and we'd feature, she'd sell. You sound like a fucking dog. She's sorry. Lovely lady on the walk. She sells biscuits and it was part of our, um, doesn't matter. She'd done small business and it. You get it. They'll get a full one and do it properly. Oh no, she's already

been on small business. Oh, right. Sorry. And then she came to my gig in Fairham and she She'd made some biscuits to thank us because it had been really great for her. So thank you to everyone who uses the small businesses we shout out. And I'm sorry that I can't remember the business name off the top of my head. These watercolours are lovely. You can get your house done, Josh, your new house. Yeah. We can give your old house done to remind you.

Yeah, picture of the old house and the new house. But you in it crying, trying to do the bins and find your car. So then every time you look at it. I'm still a bit worried about the bins at this stage, Rob. I haven't managed to get a second black bin or already. You've just got to order them off the internet. You're just too tight. You're waiting for the council to do it, and you?

Oh, also, let me tell you about tomorrow. This is tomorrow. I had to chase the bin man down the street in my socks. It's not tomorrow. It's next week for you guys. See them. Bye. Late.