Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S11 EP21: Customer Service Revenge

Episode Date: October 24, 2025

More misadventures in parenting, life, and beyond with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe... this episodes we go through some of your listener correspondence. Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please subscribe and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] Follow us on instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@parentinghell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett, and I'm Josh Whitickham. Welcome to Parent in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week you'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice, and of course, tales of parenting woe. because let's be honest, there are plenty of times

where none of us know what we're doing. Let's start recording this one. Yeah, yeah, go for it. Hello, you're listening to parenting. Please put that in my uncle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, actually. Fuck, no. Go for it.

Ready? I am. I am. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with Joanna, can you say Rob Bigin

And Josh Reagan And can you say lovely bit of business? No No No, that was a Q one Yeah, that was nice This is a three and a half year old

Joanna They're from Brighton They're from Peterborough Oh shit Do you like Peterborough? First ever paid gig was in Peterborough Was it? I got dream

Riven up there. Was it at that weather spoons? It was in a bar where I was on like a higher bit of it with a microphone, but everyone was just in the pub like normal, like queuing at the bar, walking around in groups. It didn't look like a gig. It looked like someone just put a microphone in the corner of a pub, and I got 60 quid for it,

and I got dropped home at Stanmore Tube Station, even though I lived in Lewisham, and I had to get three night buses home. Oh, my God. And I felt like a fucking king. Yeah, so many of those gigs in those days, you just thought, I can't believe. Someone paid me to do it.

I don't remember my exact first paid gig. I remember that feeling of the one I had was I remember doing a gig called Red Raw in at the stand. Amsterdam. In Amsterdam. Instead of the mic. I paid actually for that one. Yeah, I paid it. I did Red Raw at the stand.

It was the open mic night at the stand in Edinburgh and then Glasgow. No, Glasgow on the Monday, Edinburgh on the Tuesday. but they had someone paid closing it and I got £50 for each night but I had to cover all of my costs so obviously I was hundreds of pounds I had to pay seven quid petrol to get back to Stanmore

before my three buses at midnight but it was just as I was finally working out what I was doing about two years in and I remember having good gigs and thinking I think I might be able to do this and I was walking home and I got a pizza I vividly remember walking through Edinburgh by thinking, I might be able to become a comedian here.

That's an amazing thing. That was the best 200 quid I've ever spent. A lot of my wanting to be a comedian came through sort of anger and bitter resentment. So I remember once I did a gig in like Bournemouth. A little tip for you there. If any new comedians, if you're looking for drive. I would say bitter anger, resentment, low self-worth, hatred and a point to prove himself to the world. It does really.

It really helps. It puts a bit of petrol on the fire. But I remember I got dropped off after a gig. I did a gig in like Bournemouth. I weren't getting paid. I did the middle spot. so someone picked me up from Vauxhall we drove down there

I got didn't get paid and someone else that was getting paid and that was driving didn't do their full time still got paid like 120 quid I'd had a really good gig because I was a really good open spot at that point compared to like the paid gigs

and then I got dropped home and I was waiting for a bus from Vauxhall because they didn't want to take me all the way home and I was just like fuck these guys I'm going to come in and fucking eat them up and it's a really horrible attitude but it did help

but here you are I get such a chip on my shoulder I was so angry at the world and I was just like I'm just gonna because I could see a glimmer of oh I can do this I was just like a battering ram of fucking anger it didn't come across

no because it was I wasn't angry at individuals I was angry at an invented situation almost and everyone actually dealt with was mostly quite nice and that's what I wrote about in my book that even these people that I thought of these you know entitled privileged rich kids were actually really nice people

but didn't choose the life they were given evil exactly Ivo's a nice bloke And not either He came along later Who was that week from Peterborough Hello Josh Rob and Michael These are a three and a half year old Joanna having a go at the intro with mum Lindsay

As you can probably tell We are long time listeners I've been practising your name Since Joanna started to say her first words Fucking hell that's amazing We're looking forward to seeing Josh live in October We've gutted to miss out on local tickets To Rob's tour when he didn't come to Peterborough

I did fucking come to Peterborough I think I've done Peterborough Am I doing it again? Don't give me shit because you're on top of the local staff. Anyway, Rob, we've managed to snag tickets to the new Bromley dates where Rob is almost doing a 158. They're coming to Bromley from Peterborough.

Yeah, Stay Sex and Relatable, Stuart Lindsay and Joanna Potter from Peter. I was about to slag him off, but respect, actually. He's not a 158, is it? We've discussed this. What are the timings? 1.30 and 8? And 1pm, 4.30 and 8 because the theatre needed more time to stop the bar. And no offence, the theatre, but fucking hell, mate, I'm doing this show.

All it is is is a couple of glasses and drinks in it. Surely you can do a two-hour turnaround. You could stop the bar. while Rob's on stage at the, because is the bar in the theatre? I don't think it is. 14th of November, 2024, Peterborough. Thank you very much. And I remember because the parking's a nightmare outside.

But they're coming to Bromley, seeing Bromley. There we go. We're doing some listeners emails today, Rob, because we haven't done that in ages because we just blather on. We can't ask these guys questions and not get anything like. It's a community. It's a community. Here we go.

This is under miscellaneous. Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. Love the podcast. I started listening last year and I'm almost caught up on back episodes. Don't know what I'll do when I'll have to wait for new ones. In series seven, episode 22,

come on now. Is that a joke? 39 seconds. Series 7, episode 22, nine minutes and 39 seconds. Rob predicts that after having the kitchen done, Josh will move house within five years. It didn't even take a year.

Minute 12.10. This is great. Josh says he will bet Rob, a hundred quid or stamp duty. I'll bet you a hundred quid. Name a charity. I'll donate it now, Rob. Yeah, okay, Matt Palmer Trust. It's a mental health charity. Okay, I'll do that now.

Okay. Yeah, you was fucking... No, actually, I want you to donate the stamp duty, please. I've already donated the stamp duty to the fucking government. I don't have any kids, but always recommended your podcast to every one of our friends with kids. Just bought your book for friends who you're expecting. See in October in England, Josh. In England? So this is Ariane in Connecticut, USA, 480 months, and she, I think, is going to be in October.

She's coming to the UK and she's coming to see you, but obviously she can't come to any of my shows because I'm in. So £100 to charity. Thanks, Josh. I'm doing that now. The Matt Palmer Trust, £100. Oh, you're a good guy. Add £3.30 to cover fees. I think you've already given $500 when you got into a bet on smart TV.

I know. As long as it's to charity. I want it, actually. Send it to me. It's a monthly donation. The Rob Beckett Foundation. Let's not push it. You never tell you about the time I met John Fashion New?

No. Because I just did that joke about the Rob Beckett Foundation. He was talking to me, he had a charity called the John Fashion New Foundation. I was chatting to my Suckerym. And I was like, what you've been up to? He was talking about that. And I said, what you've been up to you? I've been doing my foundation work.

And he went also went, yeah, I've been at home. I went, I've been building a house. I think he was Nigeria. He lives in Nigeria. He lives in Nigeria. He hosted a deal on a deal on Nigeria, John Fashman. Yeah. He went, I've just been building a house in Nigeria.

I was like, oh, okay. And he went, yeah, so I've got a house here and a house in Nigeria. He went, guess how many toilets I've got? I went, five? He went more. It's like, eight? He went more. And I went, I don't know, John Fashton.

And he went, 18. Oh, my God. I just didn't know. Because that's not the measure of the size of a house. No, I mean, you know. Like, the traditional measurement is bedrooms. Yes. It's still a crass thing to say.

Oh, but there must be on switch. Josh, you're not having 18 fucking urinal lining up. What if he's only got a three bed but he just loves toilets? I'm not saying only three bed. What I mean is compared to his toilet. It would be weird. If you have 18 toilets and someone went, how many bedrooms you got?

And they went three, you would go, only three. I wouldn't say that's you being out of touch. I think that you've been intrigued by a man with 18 latrines. Does he need it? I think with big houses there must come a point. You know when you see the queen? Have you watched... No, but I understand that

She's got Buckingham Palace. I don't need to watch the Queen operate. I know how big a place. When am I going to realize that the Queen's died and that we've had a king for two and a half years? You know when you see the Queen? I can't get over the fact that he's king. No, it's like a substitute teacher.

It doesn't work for me. Yeah, it doesn't work for me. When I say Donald Trump's visiting the King, I look at it, I'm like, we should have a bit of dinner with Prince Charles. She had aura. And you know what? She just did nothing either.

I never even did it. I think he gives. too much of himself away, trying to be the jolly young prince. She's got Riz, or she had Riz. Josh, you're allowed to say she's dead. You're not going to get pulled from the air. No, no, no, no. I just keep messing up and forgetting she's dead.

Sorry, what I was going to say is, when you see them in like Buckingham Palace or something, you go, that looks like a terrible place to just sit in the evening. And I think John Fashton, who's 18 toilet house, I just wouldn't feel comfortable. No, he's quite an intense guy anyway. I think even just his house would be quite hard because he's lovely but he's quite into like he really looks at you in the eye I find that really disturbing

and someone's like really in your eye yeah so I'm just looking at pictures of John fashion you know what's happening guys long time listener first time writer inner as a single dad to three monsters for over eight years I've loved listening to both yours and listener stories eight years

I presume he just means he's been a single dad unless the ages of the kids three monsters for over eight years yeah I've loved listening to both yours and listener stories making me realize I'm not doing too bad at this parenting lark. I've been particularly paying attention to the sibling age gaps correspondent from the early days, which I reckon I can trump the lot.

No, no way. My eldest son Flynn was born in October 2012. His sister Eva was born in August 2013, leaving a 10-month age gap between the two. Oh, my. Ten, hang on. So he's got pregnant a month after giving birth? So that's not only the same year at school. but they were in the same primary school class

they're regularly asked if they're twins but of course they aren't my son is one of the oldest in the year and my daughter being one of the youngest they're now happily separate from each other's classes at high school and are smashing it when my daughter was around two years of age I just cooked them fish fingers alfights and peas

thinking they'd enjoy it I then proceeded to spell their names with alfights on their plates bloody hell great dadding one for Flynn my eldest one for Eva and one for Louis my youngest As I left them to enjoy their meals, I stood in the kitchen, washing up her crying at the dinner table.

I came through to find Eva crying at her plate saying, I don't want to eat my name, Daddy. When I asked why, she said, if I eat my name, what will you call me? Oh, that's quite sweet. She thought by eating her name, it would disappear, and then I'd have to rename her. That was such a random way to look at that. I know.

Has you never seen her name written down anywhere? Well, she's never eaten it. Also, I'd be annoyed if I was Eva because you're getting less alphabites because Flynn and Louis are getting five and Eva's only getting three. Yes, that is a problem. Yeah. Being a single parent to three kids

with their ages being so close, my youngest was born March 15 is genuinely comforting to hear relatable stories where we're all in the same boat and just winging it really. Speak for yourself, I'm fucking nailing it, mate. Stay sex and relatable, Clark from Hull. I know exactly what I'm doing.

Clark from Hull. Go on, Clark from Hull. Go on, Clark from Hull. Right, what else we've got here? some correspondent i got some boomers we've not done a boomer for ages have we do a boomer and then customer service job revenge i don't remember asking of that weird phobias parenting fails you do a boomer nightmare name and i'll do customer service job revenge i'm going to do a nightmare name hello my then boyfriend and our husband was once pretty late for a date with me because he had received an email from someone called saddam hussein you what sorry say that again this is nightmare names yeah all right i thought

boomer. Hello, my then boyfriend and her husband was once pretty late for a date with me because he had received an email with someone called Saddam Hussein, just had to do a lap of the office, telling everyone about it before he left. Safe to say, I wasn't overly happy with this reason for him leaving me standing like a lemony in Leicester Square waiting for him, but I got over it and we now 10 years and two kids down the line. Keep it sexually relatable, Zoe, 444 months.

Tough name, Saddam Hussein, isn't it? Yeah, that's a tough one. Saddam's not even that popular. He's been famous for a long time, Saddam Hussein. Real longevity. Real longevity. I mean, I know he's gone now, R-I-P. I didn't like him, just to be clear.

But he's been famous for 40 years. Sorry, why have you become some sort of Saddam Hussein fan boy? Jack the Ripper has been famous for centuries. Oh, on that name thing. My friend, I think she was working at a state agent or something. And she had to call someone. The surname was genuinely spelt C-U-N-T. No. They're German?

German, yeah. God, that's a mental name. She called her up. Not even a K? No. And she didn't know how to deal with it. So she said, hi, is a Mrs. Coente there?

The woman said, it's cunt, darling. A family friend of ours, a surname was Cochley. Yeah, at the school that they would read their name out. and say, coley, it's cockley. It's like Cockburn. You know the estate?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Coburn. It's Cockburn. It's Cockburn. Have you ever? There's a company called Clutton's? No. Have you heard of Clutton's?

No. So Joe Lysick got in trouble with him. I think they may have said him like, let us to stop doing it. It's some sort of infrastructure, consultancy, property management. Joe Lysic, go, oh, got my clutons are all clammy and just say clutton's was like a sort of term for genitalia. But they'd get me up with him doing it. Did they? Oh, gosh.

No such thing is about PR. I just don't know how people work in a proper job. I've done proper jobs where, like, you're sat there. Imagine having the meeting where you're like, we need to deal with this, Joe Lice. We need to talk about Joe Lice yet? Talking about cluttons. How do we rebrand this? How do we take ownership?

I just was terrible. I used to work in an event management job. And I'll be so tired from gigging. I fell asleep in meetings before. And it was so stressful when you wake up and everyone's looking at you. I don't know if you've done that. I've never fallen asleep at work. But I used to go to the toilet a lot and just sit and think, what am I doing?

See, I'm not very good at hiding how I feel. And in a corporate job, that is the key aspect to it. You know what I mean? You've got to be able to go in there and hate someone, but smile, do your pitch, do your thing. I used to hate it. And then in the end, I said to him because I was just doing admin, but because of my now, I realized dyslexia, I used to make loads of mistakes all the time. Yeah.

And they'd tell me off of that because I wasn't really good at the detail or on the phone or remembering stuff and all that. and I'd write the thing. And also I didn't care about the price of orange juice. So I said to them once, because I was too comedy at the time, why don't I come and do the pitches with you? I know that there's more experienced people, but I'll be the best person here at presenting. I can do the presentation and any final details,

you guys can sort out, but I'll be at a go in a room, win them over, do the pitch, get the business, and then you guys can run with the business. Why can't I do that here? And they looked at me like I was fucking mental, but looking back, I was 22. It's quite overconfident that, isn't it? for someone that keeps making mistakes every day

to go in and go, let me go and do the picture. It's a bit like, you know, when someone's about to get voted off on The Apprentice and they think the only way to save themselves is to like take over. Team leader. Yeah. The captain will be.

I go, yeah, team leader this week, Lord Sugar. I'll show you what I'm worth. I'm going to lead Team Valour this week. Yeah. Sure, last week I lost the petty cash. I got punched in the face and someone's putting an official complaint. But I think this week, we've got it.

Yeah. Bring on the coffee stall. Hi, lads. Please keep me anonymous You asked how It says thanks anonymous So it's difficult for me not to Please keep me anonymous

You asked how some staff Get their own back during a shift When I worked at a bar in Bournemouth Some of the bartenders Used to get revenge on drunk customers If they were being rude We called it Oh sorry, it's so sweary

Because I've already said this word We called it Just spell it out C-U-N-T tax And every time a customer's rude We would hit dash of lime On the till which added 20p I like that

That's good, isn't it? Someone asked for the receipt But they would say we were out of paper No one got caught when I worked there As it was only done to rude drunk people It's the little wins, thanks Anonymous I'm fully behind that Yeah, customer service is hard work man

Do you want eight sex in large public places? Yeah, yeah Are we doing these, Michael, we're saving these Or we're saving a shaggers one We're saving the shaggers We're saving up for a Valentine special Or whenever we do it Christmas special is good for shaggers, isn't it?

So if you've got any more playground, shaggar drama stories, send them in, and also sex in large public places. I'll give you a little sex in large public places one. Just listening to your episode where a horny cinema manager picked up men from the nightclub to have sex with them in the cinema auditorium. It reminded me of a story my husband told me of involving a boy he used to go to secondary school with. Oh, God. There's some sort of confession.

This must be the boy. His father's funeral parlour Oh God Was situated across the road From the local nightclub And with a spare set of keys in hand He was notorious for taking girls back to this place Following a successful night on the town

I must say the establishment was also a joinery workshop And had offices and a chapel So I would presume there were plenty less Inappropriate places within the building To do the deed Nevertheless, quite a shocking anecdote of a young lad who lived at home with his parents and saw an opportunity for some privacy.

So he'd go to the funeral parlour. You've got to go to the office. No one's doing it in the main bit, are they? No, no, exactly. That's bad. Right, Rob, you're single. Yeah, keep talking. And there's someone you really fancy.

Yeah. Should we go, Margot Robbie? I think she's a beautiful woman. I wouldn't say she's my type. So if you're single, you'd say no to Margo Robbie. Is that what you're saying? Lizzie Cundberg. I don't know what I thought of Lizzie Cudley

I was trying to think of someone that was like a you know a page 3 model when I was a teenager Caprice yeah and she said I need you but I've only got keys to a funeral parlour yeah would you come back with me and then when you got there she was like the floor's very hard much like you but do you know what

I know this might be weird it's quite padded in the coffin is like velvet padding. And should we just get in the coffin? And that's my final offer. Okay, there's a lot going on here. So it's that or nothing? Right, so I would definitely go back to the funeral parlour just to scope it out.

You're not in a window. It's not like a thing where people, you're not like one of the display coffers. No, no, but like if she said, look, I can't go back to our house, but we go to the funeral parlor, trust me, it's all right. I'd go, right, look, I trust you. Yeah. Let's go and have a look. Yeah, look, sure, Nelma Candrew. I trust you.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. just trying to think of people. Look, Melinda Messenger. Let's have a look. Let's see what you're like. You can't get into Fort Boyard. No, fair enough. Let's have a funeral parlor.

Leslie Grantham's using it. I think I would try to get her into one of the offices as opposed to... Which is like the offices are locked, but look, this coffin. The floor, oh man, it's stone. Too, so it's too cold. But this coffin... I'd lie on my back, if you want, and take the cold. If you want to go on top of the dust.

No, no, I couldn't do that to you because my knees would go. But then you wouldn't have to have sex with someone in a coffin because there's no arm space or your, you're like pencils. Yeah, I suppose. You need your arms and legs, don't you? I don't know, you do it. Just stiff as a ball bouncing up and down. I'm stiff as a board. It's a shame.

Anyway, this anonymous person said, really enjoyed the podcast. I started listening last May on holiday when baby number two was on the way. I've since gone back and listened to the entire back catalog. I'm going to see you both when you come to my hometown, but have already had a home. foul in that I booked a babysitter for this year by accident and only realised Josh wasn't coming in a funeral parlour until 2026. When I complained to Ticketmaster the day before for not sending out our tickets, yeah, I would suggest when you book something, look at the date. I know. It's so easy to do though, isn't it? Because it does feel mental that someone's

announcing dates over a year away. Then just don't assume. I've got very little sympathy, I'm afraid, Josh. I don't know if they were asking for sympathy, were they? If they are, they're getting it. Okay. That's fair. You know, when it says 2026, there's that number at the end. I'm just wondering whether I've ever done it. I don't think I have. We missed a football match in Spain once.

We went the day late, but I think though that was, they changed the fixture. I did that when I was at uni. I went to Man City and they'd moved it for Sky. Yeah, this was before the internet telling you, so that we missed it. And I was walking through Moss side thinking, this is incredibly

quiet for a match day. It's horrible when you realise, isn't it? Yeah. Another correspondence? Yes. Boomer boarding school. I love boarding school ones. You're very interested in boarding schools, aren't you?

I find it fascinating, and I find the British class structure, what certain parts of it find an amazing opportunity for someone. I love the fact that working class people think sending a kid to boarding school is one of the cruelest thing you could possibly do. Yeah. And people in the upper classes think it's the most amazing opportunity you can give a child. I think somewhere in the middle there's truth in it. I think actually when the kids are in secondary school and a bit older and super confident, I think actually spending a couple of nights at a school

when you're in year eight or nine of your mate, maybe like a Monday or Tuesday, is such a great experience for them if they like it and a little bit of independence that helps transition them into going to university and leaving home. The thought of sending my six, seven-year-old to a boarding school on their own for three months, I think,

is the cruelest thing you possibly do. but then some people have good stories of it but in my experience a lot of people I've met that have been left at boarding school at six or seven it's not great it's not great but maybe I'm narrow minded and I'm only speaking to a certain point if you went to boarding squad six or seven let us know

if you went and you loved it let us know if you sent your kids and your reason why let us know I'm not you know open to be convinced otherwise but that's how I feel about it at the moment through my experiences of talking to people but yeah if you went or you've sent your kids Rob said if he gets five positive emails about the boarding school experience, he will send his children for a year.

As an experiment for the pod. Yeah, as an experiment for the pod because we're serving you. I say, girls, we need content. You're not saying silly things anymore. You're actually getting a little bit too smart for my liking. You're reading your books. You're doing your homework. You're behaving very well.

Daddy needs some content. Not one of you is shat in a bath for three years now. So one of you, I've ever have a shit in the bath or get to boarding school, get a bit of emotional trauma, and then I can have a little chip. mug with Josh about it, okay? You can write me letters and I'll read them out on the pod. Exactly. And we can call it letters from home.

It'll be a new segment, okay? Do you know why we need to do that? Daddy needs money for your boarding school. Yeah, exactly. And because we're doing it for the pod, I'm considering it a work expense. And if HMRC want to have a problem with that, come back and listen to this episode

because this is where it's come from and it's no way just because I wanted to send my kids to boarding school and now we're trying to pretend that it's part of the podcast. Yeah, and you're not allowed to speak on this podcast. because if you do, then you're actually performing on it, then I have to set up some sort of new tax thing where you are a contributor and you are performing like a child start,

which we're not doing, okay? I'm not one of those influencers that just film you all day, and put it online. And your letters are not copyrighted to you. I'm talking about my experiences, actually, that involve you, but they're not your experiences, okay? And that's a direct message, and I hope you enjoy a boarding school.

I'll see you at Christmas. Stop crying, I'll see you in. Easter in three months. Do you know how hard Daddy's working for you? Do you know how much I'm sacrificing to give you this education, you little brat? And also bad news, Easter, I'm working in Dubai. So I will see you in the summer. So don't worry, you will be joining us, you spoiled little girl, and I'll get a chaperone at the airport to fly with you, and then they can meet me at the beach. Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael, when I was 19 working at checking. I haven't even done it. I'm still leading up to the boarding school one, Josh. I'm sorry. Have we not?

done it parking out. Oh God. I'll do this one. Hi Robert Josh. I love the podcast. Longtime listener, first time messenger. I've got a classic boomer parenting towel from my childhood that still gets brought up at family gatherings.

So when I was about seven and my sister Lucy was five, our parents proudly took us back to boarding school after the holidays. Bags packed, uniforms on, all smiles. The only issue they'd got the date wrong and brought us back a full day

early. That's the thing that could happen at any school. Getting the dates wrong at the start that's fine, yeah. I mean, there is only one date they need to remember. The drop off and fuck off date for three months, but apart from that, yeah, it is the same. If you've got boarding school kids, there's no need for a pinboard in the kitchen. Yeah, you've got

two dates. Drop off and pick up three months apart. Did I remember her trainers? Yes, in September. Yes, because you put it in a massive trunk and dropped it off with her everything she's ever owned. Here we go. So they went a full daily. Now, this wasn't just any school. It was a convent run by actual nuns.

Jesus, it's more traumatic. And instead of taking us back home when they realized their mistake, our parents just left us there. Oh, my word. No other kids, no teachers. No teachers? No, just some nuns. Just some nuns.

I think the nuns run it, but the teachers would come in to teach. Oh, my word. Two traumatized little girls in separate freezing cold oratories, fancy convent word for sad little sidrooms with a crucifix and a lot of echo. Oh, why can they stay together? Oh, my God. Honestly, this is so vivid.

You can tell how much, no offence, damage this is caused. I was left clutching a pack of fruit pastels. My mum had rustled up from the depths of a handbag, but I was too distraught to eat them. Oh, my God. You know it's bad when a seven-year-old turns down sweets.

Lucy and I were separated, confused. It sounds like a fucking charity advert for donations. Well, in fact, they've got too much money, if I think, these parents. Maybe. Why don't your parents donate and they won't be able to send you here

then everyone's happy. Lucy and I was separated, confused and mildly terrified of the holy silence echoing around us. I remember thinking is this penance have we been sent to nunjail?

Oh no, oh no. This is telling. We laugh now, in brackets, kind of. I'd love to know what Sophie and Lucy think of it at the age of 21

and then at the age of 31 when they've got a couple of kids. Do we know how old they are? No, they don't say. Oh, they don't say. We laugh about it now, kind of, neither of our parents can fully explain

what they thought was going to happen that day. Boomer logic. The nuns will sort it out. The nuns will sort it out. They've got God on their side. There you go. Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. When I was 19, working check-in at Manchester Airport.

This is customer service revenge. A man turned up with his family of nine and more luggage than cents. One of his cases was massively overweight, so I gave him the usual choice. Pay the fee or shuffle things around. Instead, he spent nearly 20 minutes screaming in my face, so aggressive that security had to move him aside.

He came back, smug, case now just under the limit with no apology. I was furious, so I quietly sent his bag up the conveyor belt without a tag. Yes. No. While he breezed off through security with his family, his suitcase looped endlessly until someone probably dumped it in lost property. I never saw his reaction, but knowing he didn't get the last word was enough. I quit that day anyway.

I love. What a way to go. Honestly, the car park hike to a four-hour shift had been worse than the job itself. Keep up the great work and on. I like that, actually. Respect that. Yeah, because I'd say at checking, that's almost the job

where someone has the most simple chance to fuck your day. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like, you just don't care about anything at that point. No, exactly, exactly. I do find it when like you get served by like, and I was like it.

18 they just don't give a fuck I mean we went out for the day in the summer and there was two lollies right like licky lollies not ice cream lollies and I said to the girl who's must have been 17 doing a summer job and all she sells is ice creams bottles of water and cans a drink

and then there's these two types of licky lollies my daughter went can I have one of them I went oh what flavour do you want my daughter went what flavour are they I said to her what flavour the lollies she went don't know I mean because there's two tight, she went, don't know.

I went, does it stay on it? She went, don't know. Do you mind if I have a look? She went, if you want. So I picked it up and literally, on the back, in quite big letters, and that's what was facing her, it said, tootie fruity and the other one was cola. And I went, get rid of them tootie fruity and cola.

She said, oh, are they? You've got to respect it, Rob. You've got to respect it. And I went, oh, I'll get the tooty fruity one then. And she went, which one's that? Fucking out. And I was like, you see it says tootie fruity fruity on the back flavour. She said, oh, that well, yeah.

She must have been so bought. There was nothing else to look at or read. I know. But she wasn't doing it to be horrible. She's never bad. When they're young, they're just like, this is what I do. It is interesting because now, if you put me now in the jobs I have, so I've told you about when I took wood into the pub.

No. I'm sure I've told you this. At least three times. Yes. Yes. No, I remember. Yeah, from the little wood cabin. Sorry, Michael.

You said that like you went into the pub on a night out. Oh, no, no, no. You had a job. Oh, right. At least three times that was a pain. Can we just acknowledge the pain in his voice,

the pain in Michael's... I can't magic up new jobs I've done. For the record, I wasn't asking you to. I just couldn't hear that story. No, no. No, but I wasn't using it as a story. I was saying if I did that now... You was using it as a story.

No, but I was using as an example. Yeah, okay. One of the jobs there would be sorting the glass, the glasses they used for the recycling or whatever. Or when you used to take the food from the shop to the petrol station. Yeah, great. Have I told you about when I was a kitchen porter? I've got no more jobs.

Have I told you about when I sold fake burberry scarves on a market stall in Manchester? No? Has he told us that one, Michael? No, I think that's a new one. I must have told you that. Was he made it up? No, I swear on my life. Go on.

So one Christmas, this would be Christmas 2002 or three. Literally doesn't matter. Terrell. S Club 7 were riding high in the charts. I told it'll be the anecdote police, but fucking get a move on, seven. Boot cut jeans were in 22 years before they were back in. Anyway, my friend, she was doing German at school, at the school, at uni, and she'd gone to the German Christmas, there's a, you know, those German Christmas markets are everywhere now, but they weren't as prevalent then, but there was one in Manchester.

And she'd gone there, and because she could speak German, they'd offered her a job, these German people that came over and did these markets. And then I'd gone, could you get me a job? Yeah. So I sold fake Burberry scarves. It was the height of the Burberry scarf thing. Do you remember that? Yeah.

Burberry was huge. It was the height of the kind of snobby, awful people calling people chav thing as well. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. So I got a job on a Burberry scarf stall. I think they were five pounds each or three for a tenor. Right. So are you on a word count for this anecdote?

Are you trying to hit a limit for like some sort of essay? I'd work Saturdays or Sundays. My hours were about, I think I would, my hours were 10 till 6. Did you have to speak German? No. My boss couldn't speak English and I couldn't speak German. There's someone who were in the hotel corridor. Can you hear that?

Yeah, well, that's how long this anecdote's gone on. Let's dust building. Let's start building. But I put in no effort to that job. Now, if you gave me that job, I... That was a long way to go for no effort, wouldn't it? Well, I was just trying to find a job I haven't talked about. There's a reason I haven't talked about this one.

There's no detail. I could tell you the brand of the scarves, if you want. Go on. They were 100% polyester. Wow. The brand was cash mink. Cash mink. Yeah.

How's that for a company name? Cash mink. A hundred percent polyester version of cashmere and mink. Mink sounds like it's mink, isn't it? Yeah. Cashmink. Yeah. Cashmink registered.

It's a registered trademark of V. price, a German company. Yeah, there you go, German. Quillic fibre and brand offers products described as softer and finer than cashmere. Yeah. It all checks out. It all checks out.

Machine washable, water repellent. Look at that. Rob, at the end of that anecdote, like the ultimate heck or my computer just went into the screen, just went black, into standby mode. I think that was connected to Michael's brain. But yeah, no, teenagers, you can't expect. them to care. You just don't give a fuck about those jobs. Lollies or cashmink. They don't care.

They don't care. They don't give a fuck. Please keep me anonymous. I'm enjoying these. Can I do one more? Yeah, I've got a good parent in file as well. When I was 15, I worked in Clark's shoe shop. 15, that feels young. It's safe to say it was a traumatic working summers in Clark's when you've been bombarded with moody children, angry, panicked parents and lines out the door. One time, I had a really horrible mum as one of my customers. And the moment I got allocated to her, she asked for someone else more experience, despite the fact that I'd done all the training. She'd continued to be rude and dismissive,

and their child was a real brat. When I measured her daughter's feet and found the size, I went back to the mum and said we had nothing in her daughter's size, meaning she would have to panic by somewhere else. Oh, that's not as bad or avengers as I thought it was going to be. No. I thought they were going to move the wrong-sized shoes into the box at the last minute. You can't do that to child's foot,

just because the mum's been a deal. I know, but I was just looking for, you know, an extreme headline. I've got one here. I once was shopping at a German market in Manchester, and this little hobbit boy tries to tell me, cashmink. Do you want to parent in fail? Yeah. This happened to my husband a few months ago.

My daughters are six and nine, and asked my husband if they could give him a massage and told him to lie down on our bed and close his eyes. When he asked what kind of massage it was, they said it was a face massage, and he needed to close his eyes. The girls often like to play spa and beauty salon, so my husband thought nothing of it and obliged.

That is great, because you actually get asleep. If they're being calm, you could get a little 10 minute sleep. Anyway, so he's laid on his back, eyes shut, getting a little bit of chill time. Suddenly he felt a vibrating sensation on his face. He opened his eyes and saw that my daughters were using my bullet vibrator sex toy, which they must have found in the bedside cabinet. Oh, my God. And they were using it on his face.

I bet he liked it. He shouted, ooh, don't use that. Mommy uses that on it. And he panicked and shouted, feet. Oh. It's a foot massager. He somehow managed to keep a straight face and put it away. When he told me late that day, I was initially mortified,

but we also laughed until we were in tears. Time to find a bit hiding spot for the toy. Yeah. That's from anonymous, no surprise. You're filthy animals. There's nothing wrong with sex tears. I'm joking. I'm joking.

You were an anti-sex guy. I think sex is. disgusting, but I did go to a convent boarding school. I think it's really mucky, but I love it. Yeah, I think it's disgusting, and that's why I think about it 24-7. I'd feel deep shame and hate myself

and love my dick at the same time. So I hate my dick and love myself. That's why we get on. Sorry, this is just one more about customer service revenge, but this one is so good. Hi, guys, I used to work in a milkshaw. bar, a milkshake bar,

a lift a customer as being a bell end. I would double the amount of chocolate bar, they asked her in a shake, hoping they would get fat and have a heart attack. Absolutely. It's a long game, isn't it, that one? That's a long, saturated fat. Because also, at the time, they'll be buzzing.

I think I've got extra nasty. The best milkshake ever from that girl that I was really rude, too. over the years to see him coming in bigger and bigger sweatier and sweatier and then along comes the jab and ruins it for you I'll do another thingy and then we'll do some small business yeah

what should we do what should we do what should we finish on what we got here I quite like the boom let's do a boomer right boomer fear of flying hi when I was seven I had my first holiday that involved getting on a plane we were very lucky and it was a family holiday without cousins on a long haul flight to Orlando

on a jumbo jet that's exciting as a kid I was so excited running around with my cousin I completely forgot my usual very inquisitive nervous self until we were sitting on the plane and all of a sudden I realized I had no idea how planes moved

got off the ground or in fact flew. I still don't. No, just don't think about it. If my daughter said, how does a plane fly? I'd struggle. Something about... Jets. Engines.

Michael? Do you know? I mean, even if he did, what a boring answer it would be as he explains the engineering behind... It wouldn't be the most boring thing that's been said on this episode. It will be once I've edited it Michael, do you know how planes fly?

No, I have no idea. It was such a wild take for Josh to get Michael on board to explain. Can I just ask for another writing? What is the simplest thing that you can't explain, that you don't understand? We don't know how planes work. I don't think that's a simple thing, is it? I mean, it's kind of complete way. But what's the most mundane thing you don't understand?

I still don't understand stock markets. However many times someone explains it to me. I don't understand Bluetooth. How is it not all high? Anyway, I was so excited And running around with my cousin, blah, blah, blah Anyway, my dad proceeded to tell me It's like the Flintstones.

You know how you see the wheels go in and out At the bottom that so everyone's sitting down Can run as fast as they can to make it go Until the wings kick in. Oh, he shouldn't have done that. To which point, I panicked as I pointed out My feet don't reach the floor Even if I sit really far forward.

Now, most parents would realize This wasn't going how they thought But no, my dad doubled down, spewing more and more details convinced me he wasn't lying. Even when I was frantically sobbing, oh God, as the door should I was trying as hard as I could

to make my feet reach the floor when the kids are seven this is so visceral he even tried to make my mum be quiet when she realised my dad had whirmed me up to the point of tears I have enough his blood is sicked

now I'm not saying it's related by I've been an extremely anxious fly for most of my life most of my life now to the point of being prescribed Diasi pan for flight and still have full panic attacks also now as an adult

and a parent myself, I have to question all of my family members' post-exapotation in this particular joke. Nicole, 438 months. Oh, my God. You know what that happens? I remember one, it has such a horrible impact on kids that kind of thing that they think are funny

and it's just not fun. People like feeling a position of power and then when you tell someone something and they don't know enough about the world, you feel powerful and it's not funny. People like the feeling of being powerful and they, they palm it offers, it's just a bit of a laugh.

No, it isn't. It's just your sick way to feel validated and important. and I remember when I was a kid when I was about seven or eight I had older cousins I don't see anymore now they're horrible people right anyway it was on like a family holiday

and they went oh Rob can you go back to that we had little shallets right can you go back to that chalet to get something and I was only about eight or something I was like okay I'll go and get it and then when I come back

the cousins that were probably like 18 or 20 stood behind a tree and jumped out on me and I fucking shat myself and everyone was laughing obviously I burst into tears and they're like

oh it's only a joke it's only a joke it's not a joke when the kid's seven or eight. Do you what I mean? It's horrible. Just don't do it. You know what I mean?

Nothing sticks with you like shame or something like. Yeah, because you've been in Barry. They've tricked you and it's horrible. There's no one that sticks with me and this is so minor. But we went on a family holiday to Pembrokeshire, right? We used to go to Pembroke every year in South Wales. And we used to get a video camera for a day. We'd rent a video.

I mean, this is mad. And I remember saying to my brother, let's do that thing where I go. I'm going to stand on my head. and then you turn the video camera up the other way. Yeah, a bit of fun. Yeah. And he went, yeah, great. So he started filming.

And he said, what are you going to do? I said, I go on my head. And he went, go on then. And I was like, you've got to turn the... And he was like, what? Go on then, stand on your head. Oh, sorry, just there's someone at the door. Oh, there's someone at the door!

Who do you reckon it's going to be? It's 9.55. It can't be housekeeping. Who was it? Oh, it was housekeeping. Me and Michael, we're just saying it's too early. too early. I know way too early.

Give me a break. Yeah. It's so minor, but I can still vividly remember saying to my brother, turn the camera up the other way and he wouldn't and he made me try and do a handstand. But it's just a bit of bans. It was just a bit of bans. But what I'm illustrating is why is that still lodged in my mind?

I think banter should exist for children. It's not like when you get older, you can do that because everyone's on the same level playing field. But when there's an age gap, it's unfair. And it's so hard to get trust that your children, young children trust implicitly. They're just so pure and be like, well, you're older, so you said that, okay then. But then so to break that trust, I think sort of... But it's bound to happen. It's bound to happen.

It's being boring. Yeah. Maybe I'm a boring non-fungi. What I mean is it's bound to happen between kids? Yeah, of course with kids. But when someone's 20 jumping out in a seven-year-old at night in the dark after you've told them to get something for you, that's vindictive, I think. Do you know I got a plane on my own when I was 10? Where?

Back from South Africa. Okay, that explains a lot. We're going to need another hour for this. Fuck knows how this is only turned up after we've done the wood, from the woodshed to the pub, story three. Let's put a pin in that, Josh, and open that up next time. It was the only time I went abroad before I was probably 20. Why was you on your own?

Because I went to South Africa. I was very close to my grand, right? She was from South Africa. So she used to go back to South Africa once a year. And when I was 10, she was like, she took me to South Africa for Easter holidays. Yeah. And we did all the things that she did in South Africa. It was brilliant.

And then she was staying out. She used to go out for like two months a year. But I had to come back. Did you have like a chaperone person? Yeah. My main memory of it is she had organized it. And every time she spoke to them. because it was in the data

when you'd phone up travel agents. Yeah. She'd say, just to double check, are you aware that Josh is vegetarian? And the woman on the other end of the phone said, Madam, I think the whole of British Airways knows Josh is vegetarian right now. Okay, there we go.

Small business. Hi, Rob and Josh, and most importantly, Lou, I've heard on your podcast, Rob and Lou are doing an episode soon on tips and tricks for Florida holidays. I mean, we... Fuck it out. We promised this about 18 months ago,

and there's still not got around to it. I think Rishi Sunak was Prime Minister, I promise that. Donald Trump certainly hasn't. Florida's changed a bit. The president lives there now. I think most full business would fit in so well with the episode. I run Enchanted Mice.

It all started when I was planning to take my kids back in 2016 and I wanted to make the most of our trip but didn't know where to start and what I needed to plan. I designed planners for trips to all the Disney parks. Our main focus to Orlando, but we also do Paris, California and Tokyo. We sell planners for those. These planners are filled with pages and pages to help people where it's a first or 50-first trip to plan their dream trip.

Each page has a prompt to help them decide outfits, which restaurants to book and what they want to ride and which characters they want to meet, and so much more. We also sell outfit planning notepads, packing list notepads, a selection of tick sheets for the parks, including character and rides. We have a scavenger hunt cards to keep you busy in queues and so much more. We would absolutely love to be shouted out by you guys, especially because I love watching your Disney holidays on Instagram

when you visit Walt Disney World. Find us on Instagram at Enchanted Mice with an underscore. Thank you so much for taking the time to read our email, Charlotte. There we go. Nice one. Dear Rob and Josh, I've been an avid fan since the beginning. Despite my kids now being 21 and 17, it's great to hear that everything we went through

is the same for everyone else. And it doesn't get any easier. Sorry, lads. Could you give our small business a shout-out please? Yes. We are a family-run. jacket potato shop in Sutton Colfield called Ted's

named after our dad who bought the first pickwick oven. Me and my brother run it now. We are in our 45th year and still going strong. If you're ever close by, pop in for a spud on me. Thanks again lads for helping me get through some tough times the last few years with your humour and the love you

both show for each other and beautiful families. Justin, I've just gone on to the deliverer of Ted's Rob. Oh yeah. I love a jacket potato, Rob. Do what do you call them for short? Jackpot? No, I've never called it a back pot. Should I quickly running through their fillings? Filming.

Coal store. Oh, yeah. Sour cream. This one's mental. Brantston pickle. Mild, chili relish, tuna mayonnaise, cottage cheese, tuna mayonnaise and sweet corn,

beans. Chili con carne, beef bolognais, beef curry, chicken tika, corn beef, sweet, chip potato, spinach curry, chicken Delphrasie.

Lovely stuff. There you go. Good work. Josh, I see you next time. You could order one from where you are in the Midlands. Bye. Bye.