Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S11 EP23: Joe Thomas

Episode Date: October 31, 2025

Joining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant comedian and actor - Joe Thomas. You can listen to Joe's new podcast 'Joe and James Fact Up' wherever you get your podcasts. Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please subscribe and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] Follow us on instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@parentinghell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You know what's better than the one big thing? Two big things. Exactly. The new iPhone 17 Pro on TELUS' five-year rate plan price lock. Yep, it's the most powerful iPhone ever, plus more peace of mind with your bill over five years. This is big. Get the new iPhone 17 Pro at TELUS.com slash iPhone 17 Pro on select plans. Conditions and exclusions apply.

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Whittickham. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week, you'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice, and of course, tales of parenting woe. Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with

Hey, Sebby, can you say Rob Beckett? No, Beckett. And can you say Josh Whittaker? Just Rayneacken? Josh. There we go. Rob, where were they from? Australia. Correct. This is our three and a half-year-old son, Seb.

We're long-time listeners first time email us after seeing Rob in Sydney this week. Whoop. State theatre, mate. Make sure you do that. your tour. It's amazing. We love the show. Thought my accent, why keep you guessing. Josh's house with content has reassured us that we're not going insane or making us feel very glad to not have pets as we plan to move to New Zealand in December. Oh, they're sexy and relatable. Sarah originally from New Zealand, Joe originally from the UK, Seb, 44 months and Olly 12 months in Sydney,

New Zealand, a Sydney, Australia. You weren't a big NZ fan, were you? Well, I just find it's very calm and chilled I'd say Australia's loose neck New Zealand's stiff neck Right yeah yeah And I'd say The scenery is beautiful in New Zealand But it's more like

Waterfall Mount in green Than it is Blue Sea beach And they've got Yeah the beach Some of the beaches are black sand And it's a bit more wet and green It's beautiful

Right But I just felt like I was in like Wales or Scotland Yeah yeah Where Australia was a bit warmer So I prefer the heat As disgust As disgust Rob.

And it's disgust. Joe Toombs today. Were you big in the Inbetweeners scene? I actually went or got auditioned for the Inbetweeners. Whoa, whoa, whoa, did you? Yeah, there was an open casting thing up in Edinburgh one year for the film. I remember this. I went for that and I didn't get anything.

And then there was another audition to play the guy in the film that is like a London geiser that goes up to Jay approaches him down a dark street. I don't remember. Well, back, did you get audition for In Between Us, Simon Bird's wrong? I didn't know. We're a bit young, won't we? About our age, aren't they? Well, the In Betweeners was famous before I was in comedy, I think. It was huge, wasn't it, in like the mid-2000s?

Yeah. So is it two, 20 years since The In Between Us started. Jesus, wept. Yeah, I know. Joe Thomas looks exactly the same. I know. What's wrong with his skin? Why is it so the same?

What's happened? Because he was presumed. He was being older at the time. It's great casting, though, because he still looks. like a virgin. He still looks like a virgin. He does. Right, do you want to do with correspondence before we get him on? Quick bit correspondence, yeah. Do you want to put him

a parent in? Yeah, I do actually, yeah. Here we go. Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. On the recent Alan Davis, the return episode, Josh spoke about his solo fly from South Africa and I felt compelled to email my own story of childhood parentless travel. In the early 19s, my parents were invited to go to Portugal with some friends to stay in a villa

they'd booked for a week in the summer. The friends had one child and the villa slept six people, so my parents and a child could join them. Sounds great, I hear you say. But unfortunately, I'm one of three children. So rather than miss out, my parents decided to pick their favorite child, my brother, the youngest, the golden children, and just take that one. What?

No way. That's his mentor. My sister and are about 10 and 12, and therefore too young to be left alone. So they decided we would go and stay with my auntie and uncle for the week. All well and good. But we live in Suffolk. in a small village 20 miles north of Glasgow. Jesus fucking wept.

So they needed a plan for us to get there. Enter my granddad's neighbours. Turns out they were going on holiday to Scotland at around the same time. So it decided they would take us up with them and drop us off at my auntie's house. That is wild. I've only met these people a couple of times.

I bet those people were livid. If someone said to me, if I was going on the holiday, you don't mind dropping my kids off. You're like, are you fucking joking? That has transformed my train journey. from relaxing to weird and awkward. I'd only met these people a handful of times.

They had to sit in the back of their car for seven hours and a drive to Scotland. Yeah. To make matters worse, they drove up the M6 rather than the A1, so we didn't even get to stop at our childhood favourite services, Scotch Corner. I don't think that's the worst thing.

I don't think that's a big problem here. I should add that my parents knew them well and the man was a retired police officer. Yeah, because they're no trouble, are they? Yeah. But even so, I can't imagine. A, picking a child to have their first holiday abroad. Oh my God, it was the first holiday abroad for all of them.

But only one got to go. Send the others away with practical strangers. My sister, I'd love the week in Scotland with our cousins. And when they got back from Portugal, our parents drove up to pick us up. So at least the return journey wasn't too randoms. Oh, my God. My husband and I love the pod. Saw Robin Cambridge earlier this year and we're off to see Josh tonight.

Keep it sexy relatable. Right. Joe Thomas. It's Joe. Joe Thomas, do you have children? Yes, I do. I have one daughter who's three. Do all the in-between us have children now?

You sound really sad about that. Oh, no, I'm not. Most people start happy. Yeah. And then moan. It's not happy. Oh, I, well, no. No, but you delivered that like you said you've got, you know, rising damp.

I'm starting from a neutral place. And yes, all the in-betweeners do have children. Yes, we do. Do you share parenting tips with James Buckley? Well, his children are older, they're considerably older than mine and there probably wouldn't really be an overlap. Like, I think, I know that one of his

sons, I think he's quite a boxing, so I don't know, that probably wouldn't apply to my toddler. Well, I suppose she's Tom, she's even a toddler, yeah, she's three, I don't know, is that toddler? I think that's beyond Toddling. She's walking. Yeah. She's a little girl. She's a little girl. She's a little girl. She's a little girl. She's just a person now.

Like, she's, there's a bit where they're so basic, or apparently basic, that you can just get a book that's like, week one, this is what they'll do. Yeah. Almost like day 10, afternoon, 3 o'clock, this is what they'll be doing. Yeah.

And then it comes to a point where they're like, yeah, it's just a person now. Yeah, yeah. Deal with it. Imagine if there was a book for like 41-year-olds where it was like, oh, so it's week 3,012 of your life, it's Tuesday. This is what you'll be doing.

Yeah. You'll be hating going to work. Yeah. You'll be wondering whether your marriage is going to last. No. Be quick with that, Josh. Sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll be checking with you, signed a pre-nup. I don't know. I'm just spitballing here, guys. I'm just spitballing.

Lou had more money than me when we got married. She needed a pre-nup, not me. Are you married, Joe? I'm engaged to my partner. Yeah. That's normally the way. Yeah, to her. That's the same way I did it, Joe. Is your daughter excited about, is she going to be central to the wedding, or are you going to kind of...

Oh, yes. I mean, I would say very much so. She was the cause of the proposal. Well, no, no, no, no, nothing like that. You'd be mental to have that kind of asset and not deploy. Flower Girl or Bridesmaid? Interesting. Now, I feel Flower Girl probably. I feel like Bridesmaid is...

A lot of responsibility, isn't it? She's not organising the head, is she? Yeah, she can't book 10 flights to IB for an hour. No, no. She's not going to be calling up with jonglers. And being like, right, we want three pictures of cocktails. I mean, I would quite like to see what kind of hen she would organise. I know, a great place, nursery.

It's going to be a nursery. Often at hen, they'll do stuff that's like that a child would enjoy. Do you know what I mean? Like some hens will do like, you know, balloon modelling or whatever. Licking cream off a policeman's knob. Yeah, yeah, R-T. Joe, how do you feel about having a bastard? is fine. You know, she's actually very pleasant, so she's only sometimes a bastard.

You didn't have a bastard, did you, Rob? No, no, we were married, had a couple of kids. That's all nonsense anyway, though. I don't really matter if you're getting married before. I was bastard. It's expensive to get married. You're trying to buy a house and have kids. Could do one of the three. You can't do all three. And you've just moved, Joe.

I mean, I say I've just moved. We've actually been here for more or less 18 months. but we've got nothing done. Where are you? You look like you're in the shed. I'm in a sort of upstairs room. With a tongue-engrieved, wooded ceiling. What have you moved to in 1972? It looks like a sauna or something, doesn't it? But actually...

The thing is, this room really is the reason we bought the house because it's got a really nice view, which I'm sort of looking out at now. Oh, look at that. Could ask a question, when it comes to being in charge of the three-year-old, yes. Would you say, are you more of the... general in charge of decision-making or more one of the sort of on-the-ground soldiers.

I've met you a few times, and you're a little bit wonderful chaos. Yeah, I think that's probably right. The truth is, is that actually, I don't think me or Hannah is particularly capable. Right. I know that they're supposed to be, like, one adult in the relationship. I think it's basically like two babies trying to raise a third baby, essentially. I often feel that there actually should be a third person. in the relationship, as a sort of manage your figure.

I want to talk about, you know, in the bedroom. I'm talking about in the study. I do want to have a threesome, but I want it to be a kind of bureaucratic threesome where this other person kind of makes a spreadsheet and then me and Hannah fill it in. You don't feel the other person and you feel the spreadsheet in.

Yeah, yeah. It seems to be going okay, no disasters. It's going okay. What can I tell you about my parenthood? So basically, I'm the time where I thought I'm not doing a very good job, I had a crossword book for Christmas, The Guardian cryptic crosswords. I'm working my way to work.

This is last Christmas as well, by the way, so we're in like mid-October now. When did you finish that book, Rob? About March, hadn't you? I barely finished this into the sentence. He lost me at the Guardian. Right. Is it begging for a quid at the front? Please support us.

We bring you such well-balanced cryptic crosswords. There's no majority shareholder in these cryptic crosswords. Absolutely. But I was spending so much time with the Cryptic Crossword book that there was a bit during the year where my daughter pointed to it and went Daddy work

and she thinks it's my job That's bad That was when I'm not putting up in it Can you give me the context where you'd get the cryptic Crossword book out? I would go to the park and like I lug my work around in my bag and like so I've got the laptop there

I was told off by a child in the park to have my lap on the park. Sorry, Joe, considering you're talking to us in an unfinished room on a phone, what is this other work stuff you carry around with you? Because I'd say you're going into this a little bit low on equipment. Well, I do have a laptop that, as I say, I was genuine, I was admonished by a child for using my laptop in the park.

Really? Yeah, I mean. For being a nerd or for... No, I think for being a bad human being. Was you not watching your kid then? Was your kid playing? Yeah, but like, I had to do it. Like, I mean, it was like, I...

You're defensive. Your child's playing in the park and you're on your laptop. She was fine. That's all right. Yeah. I genuinely had to get something sent off. I had a deadline. I just couldn't...

Yeah, I think that's acceptable. I mean, this is... You get in trouble for, you know, polluting their lives with your work, but sometimes you have to do it. I say that we have a life where there's no... Because you do a lot of work from home. You've got a job, one of those jobs like me and Rob. It's basically the same job, really, isn't it?

Yeah, you carry it around with you everywhere. Like, I mean, We all think that it's, you know, and yes, you do have times where, you know, you're, by the way, I definitely shouldn't be my own boss. I would really, really benefit from having really quite a formal working setup. So, yeah, we all have the same job, really, and we know, we're kind of, we're constantly chewing over about four or five different things that we might be doing, like, I'm trying to get a treatment in, I'm probably supposed to be doing an audition tape.

And although, you know, you can do it whenever you want to do it, it also never turns off. Like, there's never a point where you're like, oh, I've finished work for the week. I don't have to think about it anymore. I carry it around with me. It's always in my head. That's why I was on my laptop. And was it your child or was it another child? It wasn't.

It was someone else's child. Came up to me. And I think she literally said, like, get off your iPad, mate. And I was like, it's not an iPad. It's a laptop. I didn't say that, obviously. I think a laptop's acceptable. I think it's more acceptable than a phone in a weird way.

Everyone's very, very puritanical about, you know, screens. but first of it was me on a screen and also I was just trying to get sort of treatment away or something like it really wasn't... Does she not understand the commissioning process, this child? She didn't seem to, no, I suppose she probably thought I should have asked for an extension or something.

You've got to sit there, copy and pacing out the name of the person you wanted to host the show and then resend it in with another person's name on it that may be available. Find and replace, can be hard. Have you ever had an email where they've left the old name in? Yeah, I've one. where I was called Greg throughout.

Yeah. I must have told you this, Rob. I did one where I had replaced Jack D at the script stage of a panel show, right? Yeah. They used to find replace on the word Jack with Josh. And then in one of the links,

there was a reference to Samuel L. Joshson. So how did it end with this child when you in the park? The child went away and I suppose, frankly, I felt sort of slightly peeved at her parents for, you know, being a little bit over puritanical. Is there an argument? I've heard Richard Osman make this argument. Yeah. The screens are how we live our lives.

I know. And children need to. I hear both sides of this. So the two things that everybody seems to agree on are, it's absolutely pointless trying to kind of rail against. technology kind of writ large, whether that's AI or anything else. It's like, you're going to happen. You know, you can't, you know, this is just the beginning. We just have to embrace it, lean in.

Right, so that's one argument. And then the other argument is your child shouldn't know what a phone is. So how do these two fellows go together then in terms of like, so here's one over here. And I said, well, how does this? I think the problem's the algorithm. Yeah. I think the screen's fine if they're just watching something or playing a game.

But the problem is the algorithm where it like gives them stuff that's sort of, you know, one step to the left of what they're watching until they're watching something completely different and it's not good. Well, yes, exactly. That is a very, very different thing. I totally agree, yes, it's not the screen, is it? It's the machine learning that's trying to get you addicted to something, which is, that's a different thing to, like, don't look at a screen.

I'll tell you another thing about screens. Only very, very, very recently, as in, like, this year, I'm quite fascinated by these things your parents tell you and then you just think they're true forever. Like, I thought the other day, oh, you don't. actually get square eyes, do you, if you're too close to it? And what's so funny is that me moving away from that is a fairly big deal for me. Like, that's like somebody looking away from Mormonism or something.

I'm like, you know what, I think I'm ready to leave that. Did you have, when you were a kid, that if I sat too near the screen, it was bad? I say that to my daughter. I'm like, don't get so close to the screen. And I'm like, why am I saying that? Like, what? It's like that thing where Andy Murray, just to bring him in at last, somebody said, Why do you do that thing where you get three tennis balls?

Oh, yeah, what is that? And give them a bit of a bounce, and before you serve, you have three of them, and you check three of them and bounce them and then chuck them away and select one of them. He said, why do you that? And he said, I don't know. It's just what everyone else does. Is that right?

Because I'm obsessed with that. They'll check. I presumed that there was bad tennis balls. Well, that's what I mean. I mean, if Wimbledon can't get a hold of good tennis balls, I really don't know. I mean, that. Also, it would be an advantage to throw in the odd bad one. Yeah.

It would take the opponent by surprise because you do your whack of a serve and it would just plop over the neck. I think every two should be three tennis balls and then one fruit, like an orange or chopped the strawberry. What do you think the most advantageous fruit to serve would be? Something incredibly heavy, like a grape fruit. So like it just gets them.

Not like a grape absolutely flying past them. Well, if it hit them, they'd also be in breach of the dress code because they'd be like, oh, because they're very posh, aren't they? Oh, disgusting. Go and change. And they'd be docked points for, like, bringing down Britain for not being clean. Now streaming on Paramount Plus, it's the epic return of Mayor of Kingstown. Warden? You know who I am.

Starring Academy Award nominee Jeremy Runner. I swear in these worlds. Emmy Award winner Edie Falco. You're an ex-con who ran this place for years. And now, now you can't do that. And BAFTA award winner, Lenny James. You're about to have a plague of outsiders descend on your town. Let me tell you this.

It's going to be consequences. Mayor of Kingsdown, new season now streaming on Paramount Plus. Is your daughter allowed screens then, Joe? Is she allowed to go on an iPad or not? We're quite laxed with audio. So, like, we don't mind. Like, quite a lot of car journeys,

I do let her have the phone and she can flick through songs on there. That's all right. Nursery rhymes and so... She watched telly, obviously. I mean, I suppose, like, I work in television. So if I'm like, I've got to recommend my own product, surely. Yeah, but then a butcher don't let a kid play the knife, does he?

Yeah, there's a good point in the way. No, we'll feed his kid meat. Yeah. What exactly? But also, I don't mean, she doesn't watch the shows that I'm in. She watches Jojo and Gran Gran, that sort of thing. I like Jojo and Grand Grand. I like Jojo and Grand.

Well, she's also, like, she's incredibly susceptible. Like, everything she wants to do is just because it's just been on Jojo and Grand Grand. So at the moment she wants to be a drummer. Oh, that's an nightmare. Yeah. Because also they get through a lot of stuff, don't they? Every episode is a new thing. Don't James Buckley's kid all play instruments and stuff?

Yeah, I think so. I mean, also, they're being allowed to learn the call instruments as well. Whereas, like, when I grew up, I learned all the kind of loser ones, like violin. No one wants a violinist in their band. I don't regret not being able to play a classical instrument. Yeah. In the end, you want to learn either guitar or piano. Those are the two biggies, aren't they?

guitar, piano or a push drums. Drums is fine as well. With a violin, it's very much like, unless there's about 50 million of them in an orchestra, you need to be in a big swarm, otherwise you're not really like... It's a shit instrument of art. Did you go to a posh school, Joe, then,

if you're doing violin? I went to a grammar school, which I suppose is sort of posh. I had to pass 11 plus. So I would always insist it wasn't posh. It was, you know... It's not posh, that's just a higher level of education type of thing. On the other hand, if you're asking,

do rich kids get coached specifically for the 11 plus by private tutors, then obviously answers yes. Although I didn't, actually, to be fair, but then again, my parents are teachers, so effectively I did get private tuition for free. So basically, like everything in Britain, it doesn't appear to be about class, but in the end it's absolutely massively about class. So, yeah. Get your violin out, tiny violin.

Was it single sex, Joe? Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, yeah. I would actually say I think that single-sex education is a terrible idea. Like, basically, I, when I was a teenage boy, obviously, like, I was interested in girls. And, you know, I suppose what I would say is teenage boys like girls, right? Yeah. Or boys. Or boys. You got a problem with that, Joe? So if you're a teenage boy who likes girls and you go to single-sets.

If you're a boy for a teenage boy that aren't boys, you're in amongst it. Well, yeah, apart from the sort of latent homophobia. But, yeah. In total, yeah, horrendous eight years of your life being bullied for it. that's also just to be essentially sort of not really an environment in which you would feel you were able to express that either, probably. But at the sake of argument, you're a teenage boy, you like girls and you're putting a crony boys. The message that sends is basically, life is not here for your pleasure, life is supposed

to be difficult, and you're not here to enjoy life, you're here to suffer and to achieve. And I think that that is basically, and listen, it was a lovely school, the boys were great. It's just that I don't really understand why you separate. boys from girls unless what you're saying is fuck you life isn't for you it's just something else do you think that made you view girls in a different way than if

they were kind of I think it made me think that girls were a kind of alien thing and it took me later than it would have taken other boys to be like oh girls are just same as me yeah like just talk to them they're the same they got brain the things that you might say your boy

to say to a girl like it's the same yeah I mean that's not a particularly start thing revelation, but in making such a big shift at 11 to be like, right, no girls. The other message it seemed to be sending is that, like, girls will fuck up your work. Like, because it's a gravity. It's like, you're clever. So we're going to help you fulfill your potential. So we're going to create an environment in which you have a chance to fulfill your potential. And the first, well, not maybe not the first, but the most obvious feature of that environment is we're getting rid of this thing that's going to really fuck up your education, this terrible thing, this force

that's going to fuck up your education. And that force is girls. Yeah. Well, Apparently, my wife said it used to be a teacher and she said that boys with girls do better. Yeah. But girls on their own do better than being with boys. So it's like... Once again, it's just a case of like, the women are better. So what you need to do is you need to put the boys around the women and then they might make them better as well. They'll drag them down as they pull themselves up.

No, I've heard that said as well. And I think it's also slightly to do with the different ways that boys and girls socialising. at that age. Was there a girls' school across the road that you used to look into Longingway? It was, and we were told

not to speak to them. Was it everyone or just you? Ha ha ha ha. It seemed to be an issue if we stood outside the school gates. Not that I ever fucking did, I'm making out loud on this character,

but like, basically, they said I couldn't do it. And I was like, believe me, I'm not doing it. But, but in the answer that, like, seeing... The idea that, like, seeing the teenage boys

and the teenage girls socialized with each other, It was like, there's a whiff of trouble about that. And you're like, why? What are you talking about? Especially with the way that some teenage boys are now, you're like, fucking hell, that's brilliant. They've got girls their own age.

You're actually their physical friends. It feels like the equivalent of the no ball games signs, which I feel I've read are now being sort of taken down because it's like, don't fucking play ball games. That'd be brilliant. That's the whole problem, isn't it? That no one's going outside and they're not socialising. It feels like for quite a long time,

there was this sense of like, don't let the teenagers do any of this stuff. And then actually, when you look at stuff, you're like, that's all quite good, isn't it? Like, playing balls, like, talking to members of the opposite sex, like, in real life and sort of being their friends. Like, isn't that? I don't know.

I suppose I just, I don't know why I'm so passionate about it. Which is probably, I suppose there's an argument for saying that actually be more focused on my daughter's education than on my own. You've been listening to LBC. Thank you. That's Joe on the line. They're talking about teenagers. Yeah, come on.

that was radio four level that was like if you had that nelbc energy i'll give you jeremy vine on radio too i'll give you jeremy vine on radio too let's talk about your podcast with james buckley oh right yeah we do about that is that a platform for your strong opinions as well joe well not yet but it's a trojan horse yeah and basically it's like james doesn't know this but basically i've prepared a dossier of just my theories about the world what else annoysia let's do that first what else annoysia No, let's not do that. Come on, let's open.

Pandora's box. Do you drive? Oh, no, don't. I do drive, yeah. Or noise around my car. I actually quite like my car. It's all right. I don't mind me.

Are you a tentative driver? I can't imagine you hitting 73. Oh, he's changing lanes every three seconds, this guy. He's reversing back on slip roads. He's indicating. Well, Hannah says I'm quite a jerky driver. Like, when I'm in the car with Hannah, she's often assuming a position. that I would describe as the brace position.

And actually, my daughter has started using the expression, that was close. Can Hannah drive? Yes, but she doesn't. Oh, right. Well, no, she can only drive an automatic. We have got an automatic. That's fine.

She still doesn't drive it. I don't really know why. How are you jerking an automatic? Because you're not even doing the gears. I get it if you're jerky in a manual. I think she means I put my first. foot down too quick. I break too suddenly. Right. I think there's the sense that

my reaction time is less than hers. I think she panics too early and I'm like, no, I am going to slow down, but that car's like half a mile away at the moment. Where she thought of getting that was close from? Is that Hannah? That's Hannah, yeah. What else she got? We're trying to wean her off

saying fuck's sake. How are you weaning her off? Like, two a day, then down to one a day. The problem with children's squaring as a parent is it is just really funny. Yeah. I know that's not a good argument. You know, she'll get in trouble at. It's true. So we are trying to not laugh. We're like, we don't find that funny. Yeah. But then you're like, it is really funny. So how do you lean her off that? Do you tell her off when she says it or she allowed one a day? Starver. Starver of the attention. Not literally starver. Again, that shouldn't do that. Yeah, no, no, no. Don't do that. That is a no. You should bring out a few tips of parenting book.

You know what? I'm not giving her the oxygen of publicity. Yeah. Yeah. What would you say it's been the biggest shock for you for you for like from having a baby, like what's been the most challenging thing you didn't expect? Things that are really obvious to anyone else, like they don't give you weekends off. Like it's the weekends. I'll be like, oh, weekend, lie in. You're like, well, the fuck, he's, what? Of course he's not a lion. Yeah.

She'll be up at the same time. And what time are you up? You know what? We're actually quite lucky. Like, she will sleep till about 7.30 now. It's fine. I mean, it's not even a time that other people would consider. It's just the time you have to get out for work.

But me and Annie used to love sleep. We would sleep till, you know, 11. minimum to a night hours. We'd stay up, watching telly, you know, we'd put a box set on at one or something and then stay up and then like, we'd get a bed late, we'd get up late and it works, you know, we were productive, we got our work done. What did she do, Joe?

She's an actress. That's hard though because you're always often different places all the time. I mean, it's good because you can kind of, you know, you understand each other's lifestyle, but on the other hand, it would be nice to have one... Fixed hours. Fixed hours, yeah. So, what are the shocks?

I mean, I suppose the thing I think that it's different to explain to people who don't have children is that it's not that any one single moment is like beyond endurance. It's just that it goes on and on and on. Like the metaphor of the thing is you know when there's a marathon going and then some Muppet kind of runs alongside and goes, I'm running at the same speed as the marathon runners. You're like, yeah, but they're going to do another fucking 26 miles, you're twat. Yeah, yeah. He's not, I don't have a form of twat. I mean, it's all right. It's just having a laugh. He's just having a laugh at a Sunday. I don't have any problem with that person, but like that's the thing that I would say

And again, this is me, I'm appropriating a narrative that isn't mine to appropriate, but that was what occurred to me about the birth as well, was that people talk about the pain of childbirth, like, it's this kind of like very, very short, intense pain, like having a fingernail pulled off or something. And what struck me about the birth was the time. It was like, this is a marathon. Yeah. It isn't like... Did you lay down next to her and now, I'm having a baby too. With pain as well, obviously. But like, I think it's that sort of, like, the component about an experience that I think it's most difficult to convey.

to a person who has not had the experience is the time component. Because in a way... You should go on for ages. Yeah, exactly. So I think if you wanted to explain somebody to somebody what having a child is like, you should explain to them, but the explanation itself should go on for 100 hours. And then you could say, you know...

How was the birth? Was it long for you guys then? The birth? I'd say it was about 48 hours. And also, Hannah went mental before we went in. She started tiding our flat. She was nesting. But like, she stayed up all night before we went in. and also she was in labour but she said it was Braxton Hicks it just definitely wasn't she was just in labour

and tell you what you need to do if you're having a baby clean the back of the highest cupboard that's really important that's really important to clean that because also the weeks after you've had a baby there's not downtime but there's a lot of time where like she's feeding and you're

in the house and you could be cleaning the back of the cupboard so Hannah stayed up all night so when we got to the hospital Hannah was already exhausted and then at one point the middle wife went um put on some like fast music like some dance music and the thing is i that is not my sort music yeah that's not surprising i like sort of nick drake and that kind of thing so when when there's midwife said put on this sort of music all i thought that that meant was put on some music that i would not generally listen to yeah so i put on um raw by katie perry and actually that's just quite

slow. Yeah, it is quite slow, yeah. And then after a while, the midwife went to Hannah, do you want this on? Pointing the finger at me? Yeah. And Anna was like, not really. And I was like, yeah, but you told me to, anyway, basically one of the same is I felt like I was just in the way. And I think I was in the way. At one point, I think I literally was in the way. So you just felt like you just didn't know what to do during the labour then, just in the way and I felt totally and understandably just humbled and like I thought that I'd been a kind of fairly significant partner throughout the pregnancy and then when we got to the hospital I very quickly realized that actually if it was up to me to help Hannah like fucking anything could happen

like everyone might just die or like I just realized I was like oh actually I'm just completely fucking useless like this is just like I'm no more I mean and obviously because I'm not a medical professional. But like, I think up until that point, you can kind of maybe think that you're kind of vaguely helpful because of you've got good attitude, because I'm very positive towards this. But then actually, there was a point actually where like doctors had to come. And actually at that point, I was like, I'm totally irrelevant. I mean, obviously, I know that. Did you cut the umbilical cord? Did you cut the cord? I actually did cut the umbilical cord. I did cut it. Did you? Good job? I think I did an okay job. Yeah. Yeah.

I've actually still got a bit of it in the drawer, yeah what's it kept in? Just the drawer. I say I got a bit of it. What I've got is the little bit of cord that came away from the belly button. Oh yeah, yeah, the bit that's attached

and then it falls off. I didn't really know what to do with that, so I put it in the drawer next to our bed and it's just in there, and I'm like, I don't know. It felt weird to kind of toss it in the trash because it's like, it's part of my golden body, But, like, you know, when people have, like, the draw, you know, like, comedians like to joke about that drawer with all the... Yeah, you've got some umbilical cord in it.

That's an item that would go in that drawer. Is the bit of Charles umbilical cord, you know, triple A battery. Bone charger, etc. Tell us about your podcast with your old pal, James Buckley. So the podcast is me and James, and we are basically swapping facts with each other. Then are you two, have you been close since the in between us? I think we have, yeah. I think we kind of, I think it was sort of, you know, love at first sight.

So I'd say you're quite different. We are different, but I think in a curious way, I think we're both quite sensitive, and I think we're both quite emotional. We both like to laugh. And although we had come from very different backgrounds, like James had really been working as an actor since he was a child, pretty much.

And I'd kind of gone through lots and lots of education. I've been to university and stuff and I'd only really come to it after all that. But I do think that we have a kind of, I don't know, similar sort of vibe. I think we kind of... The same sort of thing amuses us, I think. So what are the facts?

Just random facts and you just swap them each week. Random facts. So like the most expensive bar of soap ever made was made with fat extracted from Sylvia Berlusconi. What's it? I think it was also secreted. I mean, he basically had liposuction and then somebody worked at the clinic.

got the fat and like... Made it into a bar of soap? Made into a bar of soap. Well... I'll say this. It actually wasn't bought, amazingly, for 40,000 pounds. Because, like, why in Christ's name would it be bought for 40,000 pounds? It was divided up into four pieces.

There for sale for 10,000 pounds each. And they haven't sold either. So in a way, is it the most expensive bar of soap? No, but if it hasn't sold, that's not its price. It's the most over-priced barbersprose. Well, I've got a bit of soap from my hotel. and that's 11 grand if you want to buy it. Yeah.

And if you need a bit of content for the week, the next week. So how are you getting your facts? I go on the WhatsApp. No, I get them from my brother's WhatsApp group. What's your brother's WhatsApp group? Well, my brothers are on a WhatsApp group, and they're always just putting stupid stuff on there,

and then I basically take it and put it on my podcast. You monetize it. Yeah, monetize it. And where's James getting his facts from? The Internet. I mean, I think he's getting them from, you know, more traditional sources. I mean, I've also got a book of facts that I've purchased. Oh, yeah. It's called The Book for Odd Moments, and it's published in 1890.

Some of those... Some of them are actually not facts. There are things like Wessex man always has a natural magic about him. I bet some of them are not PC either. And also, in general, we're quite interested in urban myths and sort of the idea of, like, facts that seem to circulate. What's your favourite of a myth? Is it about the person that has the kidneys removed in the bath. No, that's Prince with a rib. No, that is a good one, Prince with the rib.

The urban myth is the person who gets drugged and then they wake up in a bath of ice. Yeah. With a note saying, I've taken your kidneys, call 9-99. Fucking, have you heard that?

I haven't heard that. I've heard one that I like is a you heard of one about the pet snake? No. Blocke has a pet snake, right? Yeah. Big old snake. It starts sleeping in bed

beside him. Yeah. Next to him. like unfurled. I don't like this. What, straight? Straight. And he's like, that's weird.

Snakes don't sleep straight, do they? This one does. Yeah, okay. Yeah, no. Next night, the same, sleeping in bed. Well, it's a pet, doesn't matter. And he mentions this idly to his mate. I don't know if his mate is, some naturalist.

He says, oh, snake's sleeping in bed with me. Length weighs. And the friend says, right, get out of that house and have that snake destroyed. because what that snake is doing is it's measuring you. Oh, God. When it's big enough, it's going to eat you.

I don't think that's true. But that's a good story. Yeah, that is a good story. There's a good one about the person who is looking after a dog and the dog dies. Are you aware of this one? Oh, lick in the hand.

Oh, no, what's licking the hand? By the bed. Oh, they're everywhere. What's that? This is one where there's a little old lady goes to bed every night and she's got a little doggy and she puts her hand.

It's like a scary. one and she puts it down and the dog licks her fingers so she knows the dog's there and it's her her little comfort blanket she hears the noise in the night she does that the dog licks her fingers oh i know where this is going she does it one night and i hears a noise and then does it and then does it again and then she wakes up in the morning and some sort of intruders killed the dog so there was an intruder had been laying there licking her fingers all night and then left oh god oh god i've tortured that but that's the vibe that would be told on like caravan park with cousins don't like that yeah no horrible so this one's less bleak is a

about the person that is looking after the dog for someone and the dog dies and then they can't remember why but they have to say take the dog corpse to the vet to be dealt with because the person's away for two weeks yeah yeah so they put it in a suitcase because it's a big Alsatian they get to the bus another person goes madam can you do you want me to help you with his suitcase or whatever and she goes yeah that's lovely and then he runs off for the suitcase. Oh. Egg on his face.

Egg on his face. It's a lovely, funny story, that one. Al-Sation in his case. That's a nice story. Al-Sations are every, man. Yeah. Maybe it wasn't an Alsatian. Maybe it's just a Jack Russell.

Yeah. In a small man back. Yeah. There's another one where the woman has a one-night stand. You must have heard this one. Yeah. I think I have heard of this one. She does this.

shit in the toilet. Yeah. And have you heard this, Rob? No, I just don't know what this episode is. We're supposed to talk about my daughter, aren't we? We've tried. Tell me this. Let me just tell me this.

Yeah. Rob, so the woman has a one-night stand. Yeah. He goes to work and he says, let yourself out on the way out. Don't worry. She goes to the toilet. She has a shit. It doesn't flush.

Yeah. She thinks I can't leave that in there. there, what am I going to do? She goes into the kitchen, there's a plastic bag. She goes, what I'll do? Yeah. I can't put it in the bin. Yeah.

I'll fish it out. I'll put it in the plastic bag. Yeah. She gets it. She's leaving. She thinks, I'm going to leave him a note. She puts it down. She writes, give me a call with her phone number, piece of paper,

leaves the door, shuts the door. The moment the door locks, she realizes she's left on the side next to the note, her own turd in a plastic bag. That's actually happened to me in real life. No. It was shitty pants when I had a bad stomach and I shit my pants at ex-girlfriends and I bagged them up in a bag to take with me

and I left the house and the door shut behind me and I realised the bag of shitty pants was left on the bed in a carer bag. So I had to text a girl and say, please put that in the street bin and not look in it. And do you think she did? I hope so. I've got a sick Edward keep it.

Did you see her again? Yeah. She's my girlfriend at the time. We broke up there. Yeah, fair enough. Fair enough. But now she's put it on eBay along with Sylvia Bellis going his soap.

Joe. So what's the podcast called? You actually haven't said that? It's called Joe and James Facked Up. Right. And when's it out? What days? When does it come out?

I actually don't know. Joe, can ask a question. How do you sort of get by? Have you got a good agent? What's happening with you sort of day to day? Because I get the vibe. It comes out weekly. Right.

I think it comes out on a Monday or a Tuesday. Yeah, but I feel like, when we stop this interview, You may still just be stood at that window looking out of it talking, even without us. I've asked my agent to call me when the interview's over. So I'll know to leave the room.

So it's out weekly, and it's called Fact Up. It's out weekly, it's called Fact Up, and it's me and James swapping amusing facts and trying to kind of interrogate them a little bit. And also, it's just a free-winning discussion. It's on YouTube. It's filmed on YouTube. I mean, a lot of the comments recently

have been complaining that my trainers are very dirty. Oh, here we go. I basically got into podcasting because I wanted to wear old clothes. Yeah. And now, because it's all visual, it turns out like wear a fucking white tie

just in order to... I've had that kind of criticism from Robb, actually. You're both a couple of grubby stiff necks. That annoys me. But fair enough, they are gross. I mean, actually, I didn't sort of realize... How gross are your trainers?

Well, they're not that bad. I mean, they've got one pair. Yeah, they're about six or seven years. years old. So I probably just wear one pair all the time for whatever you're doing. I had two pairs, but one of them got covered in plaster dust when I was de-plastering the house. So I threw them up.

And I was wearing a pair of trousers that you can't really wear formal shoes with. So I had to wear these trainers. They're all right. They were once white. The laces are all bedraggled and the linings kind of coming out the back by the heel. You know, when you take your heel out and it drags out that bit of. Maybe treat yourself a pair of podcast shoes. Or a nice bar of soap to clean them with.

Well, exactly. Well, by a quarter, a quarter of a bar. So that's an hour. So, yeah, it's, you know, there's a visual component. But, I mean, you know, you don't have, you know the pure audio component as well. It's, he tells me a fact. I tell him a fact. We have a view of fact, which we decide whether it's true. Yeah. Sort of basically just based on whether we feel it sounds right, basically whether it rings true or not. So we ever think about that and we confirm whether it's true or not, and then that's then fixed. Was that true or not?

And yeah, other than that's just me, me and James talking to each other. Nice. Are you going to use any other facts I've given you the urban myths I've given you? I'm going to use them. Yeah, the bag of shit is good. The bag of shit is good. Florence Knight's a girl used to keep an owl in her pocket when she was on the wards. Did she?

Called Athena. Lilow. She had a pet owl in her pocket that she was nursing back to health. That's a good fact. I think that is probably true as well because there's no... It is true. I don't know why you seem to have a decision on if it's true or not. That's how facts work, though.

Well, because it's a format point. my podcast. Yeah, yeah. So will you check or will you just decide internally if you think it's true? We decide internally. We have a discussion. We're like in the Supreme Court. So basically, like, we have a chat and we're like,

does that seem like the kind of thing that we think should be going on? And then like we say yes or no. Right, okay. So another one, another nice one was that there was a voice on the tube. It used to be the mind the gap voice. Yeah. And it was this actor. And he died.

And they were gradually replacing. his voice with a digital voice I don't know why I mean it's very odd but apart from at one station I believe it was Embankment and his widow used to go to Embankment just to hear his

Oh that's nice And then it was taken down She was heartbroken But she wrote to them And they located the voice In the archives I don't know why They made out that this was like really difficult

They were like how hard could that possibly be Anyway but well done Thank you They reinstated So now just at Embankment That is a good fact. Very good fact. Yeah, it's good fact.

Also, what's good about that fact is, I think of, I was speaking to somebody, and she was like, oh, yeah, I heard that on another podcast. Yeah, I had heard that before. I saw that in the news. Okay, so that's good. So what I'm saying is, if you want to hear facts for the second time, because you know, when you hear a fact and you're like, I did like that, but I like to hear Joe say it.

Exactly, yeah, yeah. One of you had heard it, so that's 50%. Yeah, I haven't heard it. I like that. I'll be telling it again. And I'll be telling it again, and I hope that the person I'd tell won't have heard it either. Yeah, well, it's actually two out of three. So I've told that to three living people, and two have heard it.

You broadcast into the dead as well? Yeah, to that guy. And they're all welcome. I mean, if that counts as a listen, then yes. I mean, in a way, that's probably quite a good, could be a good idea, actually. I mean, I don't know whether that's not whether you can advertise to the dead, but I mean, I'm happy to. Josh, I think we should see the final question for Joe. Final question.

Talking format points, Joe, format points. Yeah. We always ended the same question, which is, which one thing about your part. partner as a parent do you think is absolutely incredible and you can't believe that you're in awe of them on which thing annoys you about the way they parent and you haven't brought it up but were they to listen to this they would find out and this is specifically as a parent yeah well no it doesn't have to be yeah this is going to be sound incredibly shallow she's fair this is not the best thing about Hannah's parenting but one thing that I do I'm very proud of is this is I can't

be using this as example because there's not much better stuff in this but like my daughter just eats really, really well. And that's because Hannah spent hours and days making homemade baby food when my daughter was like six months and getting on to... I think that's a good one. Just because I know that's quantifiable

and I didn't do that. Hannah did that. There's also huge amounts of other just basically like, you know, emotional intelligence and stuff. But like, in terms of something where I can like, almost like statistically say that wouldn't have happened. Yeah.

Annoying stuff. Oh, fucking hell. two pressures about clothes like I let my daughter just choose her own clothes then handle will be like she can't wear backwards trousers and two t-shirts and like but it doesn't matter Joe I agree with you on this I agree with that

and also I don't really care if they're mucky because he's a child we've seen your trainers yeah exactly you know she's not like she's grown up going on a podcast with a shitty pair of trainers on is it yeah there was an age where you really you should have your shit together and then if you know that's a problem and go with the comment and go

What are those? What are those? I think that's a very good ending. Joe, thank you very much. It's been a pleasure to talk to you. Thank you. Good luck with Joe and James. Or is it James and Joe?

It's Joe and James. It's Joe and James. I'm first because I'm so completely across, you know, when it's out and... Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're on all the promo. If you want to get in touch, get in touch with Joe. You're the engine room. Because, yeah, I'm the engine room. I'm like a spider.

I'm like running all of it. That's how spider works. Yeah. That's about you. Thank you so much. And we will... Cheers, very. Good luck with it. We'll do. Bye.

Joe Thomas, ladies and gentlemen. I do love Joe. He's in his own little world, don't he, Joe Somers? Looking out at the skyline. I don't feel like he changes whatever he's doing, but at some points, people press record. And he'd be chatting that way like that, you know, about stuff.

He just gets on a train of thought and he's gone. He's for real, Rob. me and you were putting on this mask. One point he went, we're supposed to be talking about my daughter, aren't we? I was like, I'm trying. Trying to lussue you back on topic. We're back on Tuesday.

Joe doesn't know what day he's on. We're back on Tuesday. We'll see you then. Bye.