Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S11 EP3: Ross Noble

Episode Date: August 15, 2025

Joining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant actor and comedian - Ross Noble. You can see Ross on his new UK tour 'Cranium of Curiosities'  (Oct 2025 - Mar 2026) Tickets, dates and info can be found ⁠HERE⁠ Or at - www.rossnoble.com And he's currently on ITV's show 'Shark: Celebrity Infested Waters'. More info here: ⁠https://plimsollproductions.com/shows/shark-celebrity-infested-waters/⁠ Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please subscribe and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] Follow us on instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@parentinghell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Widdickham. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week you'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping.

Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice, and of course, tales of parenting wo. Because let's be honest, There are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Hey, Amelia. Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett.

Good girl. And can you say Josh Whitakam? Guy Dickham. Good girl! We've got ourselves a little Aussie. We've got to... We have. Maybe they'll come to your shows, Rob. In Australia, on New Zealand, because this is from New Zealand. Oh, fucking hell. Do you know what it is?

I always get caught up by New Zealanders, because what they do is, when they're recording this, they talk really slow, say Rob Vicky and Josh Whittaker. But actually, they talk a bit like that, and it's pretty quick. But when they're doing the recording, it goes slower. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I do put it on 0.5 times. Oh, Josh, that's unfair. This is our little Amelia 20 months

attempting your names Both are B&Q trans The podcast and listeners from the beginning We've been eagerly awaiting the time And Amelia would be big enough to try an intro Looking forward to seeing Robin Christchurch In October this year Christchurch, baby

You've got the tickets in the bag, Rob I see you there, mate What's his name? Nick and Diana Nick and Diana And Amelia You don't hear many diana's these days do you because obviously it's highly associated

Princess Diana. Princess Diana, yeah. People's Princess. The People's Princess. Yeah, there's not many Diana Vickers. Diana Vickers. Diana Spencer. Lady Diana Spencer.

Any other Diana's? Ross. Diana Ross. Here he comes. Who gave you that out of the team? Which member of staff gave you that one, Michael? Diana. That's the three main Diana.

older. She, she, Diana Ross is older than Princess Diana. In Michael's defence, we did not ask for younger Diana's, but that was implied, but all he was trying to do was chipping and joining him with a fun. And he doesn't need to. That's what he's not what he's not paid for, but he's, we don't do a little bit of editing for him, do he? So he needs to be thankful for his interjections. Famous diana's, here we go. Diana Dawes. He's on the internet. Yeah. I'm not. I'm on the internet now. And I am. I'm thinking of old women, you perma. Here's one. Rob, do you know the TikTok star

Diana Beliskaya? No, I do not know her. Do you follow her or have you just Googled it? I've just Googled famous Dianas. No, I don't know her. Diana Ross is 81. She's still alive. Yeah, she's still with us.

Diana Rigg, the actor. Anyway, it's not a young person's name. It's not, Diana Vickers is probably the youngest person there. It's the youngest Diana going. Josh, normally we do a bit with an intro here, but we interviewed Ross Noble, who spoke so much. and I love Ross, and it was a brilliant interview, but it literally could have gone on for three hours.

You don't need us sitting around talking about famous Diana's for too much longer, do you? Famous Ross's, Ross Geller. Ross Geller. Ross Geller. Ross Kemp? Do you know what I watched a bit of Ross Kemp's Bridge of Lies yesterday as I ate my lunch? It's, it's... What the hell is that?

It's a daytime quiz show. No. Yeah. Is you wearing? tight black t-shirt? No, he's wearing a suit, but I think with a t-shirt underneath the suit.

You know what I love? There would have been a conversation. Look, Ross, we love you. All the stuff you do in the jungle with those gangs. However, I just don't think combat trousers and a really, really tight top where you can see your nipples and your tits

is the way forward for this daytime show. Do you mind putting a blazer on? So Ross Kemm's Bridger Lies. It's a daytime quiz. It's very, it's very watchable. Oh, yeah, he's very smart, but still cash, isn't he? Can I make some observations about Ross Kemp's Bridge of Lies without him beating me up.

Go on. Let's face facts first of all. It's not his Bridge of Lies. It's a producer's Bridge of Lies that chose Ross Kemp to host. Yes. Yeah. In fact, it's called Bridge of Lies. I've just added Ross Kemp's Bridge of Lies. It's all a bridge of lies. He is very serious.

Even on the Bridge of Lies? I wouldn't describe it as a light touch presenting job from Ross Kemp. I've met Ross Kemp on Room 101 and he was talking about changing the daylight saving hours because it's pointless. And he put across a really impressive, concise

but articulate reason as to why it is absolutely ridiculous and should be stopped. To the point where it's stopped in Room 101. It just felt like it stood up in Parliament and nailed it. Just Frank Skinner accepting that daylight savings time is a bad idea.

Yeah. And I'm sat there going, I'm putting teeth in. Anyway, let's get onto it. Ross Noble. We love Ross Noble. It's a brilliant interview. It's incredible. Some of the, like, what happened to him in Australia. They've moved back and forth. He had a terrible fire at his house. And it's basically location, location, occasion.

Like, no, well, so Grand Designs was the main one he referenced a lot of the trouble they had. And he's on tour now. So, oh, and, you know, soon. So go and see him. Ross Noble, welcome to the podcast. Very, very excited to have you on. Big fans of yours. So thanks for doing it. Great booking. It's a pleasure to talk to you. But at the same time, I mean, I've listened to the podcast and I have to say it. I am aware that you're not expecting genuine advice.

No. Oh, none at all, Ross. No, because I do not claim to know. I've got two children and they're still alive. So that's a bonus. How old are they? I've got two girls. I've got one who's 12 and one that's 16.

Oh. Can we just clarify what that sound was? Yeah, yeah, that sounded weird. That was a, oh, that sounds difficult, not a 16-year-old, keep talking. That's an emotional, difficult time, not whew. Cross, yeah, there we go, that's what we're here for. Can't we do this in person? I could tell from your faces you were both going,

that you were seeing with your faces it's an emotional, difficult age. But obviously this is an audio medium, and it really did sound like you both went, oh, lovely. Do you maybe think that you're slightly more sensitive to that, because they are becoming like that teenage as a women age. It must be horrible to see your little baby turn into a young woman at 16, 17.

It's more the fact that two men both went, oh, and exactly the same time. It was sort of like a male voice choir of perverts, is what it sounded like. Harmonising. I'm going to take that and I'm going to take that noise that you made and I'm going to sample it and I'm going to loop it about 30 times and then I'm going to turn it into a song.

Ross, are you based in Australia still? Yes, I am, yeah. I see that. I did that voice again. You did it again? That's weird. So they're on the beach, are they? How old is Australia again?

Young country. Yeah, I got a young country. Well, it does say in the National Anthem, we are young and free. Oh, stop it. I normally pay for this. So yes, to answer your question, yes, I do live in Australia. But by the time this goes out, I might not be living in Austria because we change our mind all the time. So we keep moving.

So who knows? I wouldn't describe you as like systematic and like, is life with you as a father all over the shop? Yeah, he's Ross, no, but on stage the same as you as a dad? Is it just jumping around from everywhere on the spot? Well, as you can see, the wig comes off on a very tidy individual. No, we're all kind of exaggerated version. So aren't we on stage of who we are? Yeah.

Whereas I would argue that I'm torn down. It would be too much. It would be too much. Yeah, I mean, like on stage, it's one of those, there's something on my wife kicks off all the time, is she just goes like, you can't just stop in the middle of a set. and then to start thinking about the thing

and then come back to it. If I did that on stage, people would be like, eros, but I do it all the time in conversation. Look, I'm a, I think, especially when it gives you a little,

I think quite a fun dad, quite an entertaining dad. If it's me and the youngest one's a little bit chaotic, so if it's me and her, then my wife just goes, nothing's getting done. I'll give you some examples, right? So I do like to do the school run.

And look, I'll be honest, there's been times where I've got home and realized that the youngest one's still in the back of the car. Because they're going to two separate gates. So I dropped the eldest one off or I'll be off somewhere. I'll be driving to the shop and she'll be like, am I going to school today? I'm like, yep, turn around and then go back. I recently, I started driving off before my eldest one was in the car. the door was still open and I forgot to check and I started to move but she was like dad dad I'm not in the car and that wasn't one of those you know the old dad trick of when the person gets to the car you move away you know the classic kind of the dad prank I wish it was but no it was just I was off I was gone we went bowling once this was when the little it must have been about five maybe and she took a jacket off and the eldest one just started pissing us laughing. I was like, what are you laughing at? And she went, well, she's wearing a nightie.

She's in her pajamas. And I was like, that's a dress. And she went, well, unless she's like a Victorian ghost, that's not a dress, is it? I turned 90. And I turned to the little and I went, because earlier on, I had said to her, like I said, oh, put some clothes on. And I went, is that your night? And she went, yeah, but it could be a dress. So, you know, there's a lot of that going on. with the organisation and stuff like, are you on top of like their homework or what they've got coming up or what is your wife doing that? No.

Not at all. But because the 12 year was such a bullshit, I'll go have you, or what have you got to do for school? And she can just make something up. And I'll go, okay then. And then I'm like, yeah. To the point where I couldn't even tell you, like, you know where people go,

you meet other parents and they go, what year is your eldest in? you're meant to go, she's in, you're 11. Couldn't tell you. I couldn't even tell you. But what I will say, for example, my youngest kid from school and she basically said,

oh, we've got this for the homework where we have to work out a way that you could measure the height of a giraffe, right? And I went, that's pretty cool, you know, because it's like, and I think what they were supposed to do was I think they were supposed to take like a small measurement and then somehow estimate like that.

So I would stand a giraffe next to a human and then double it or whatever. Now my argument is right that I'm not a shit dad, I'm not claiming that. It's not very organised. So I said brilliant, right? So I had a pickup truck at the time.

So we got some step ladders. We lashed it to the roof of the pickup truck. And then I got a lot of tubes piping. And we built like a sort of mini-eyeful tower that would have been way higher than a giraffe and then we marked it at meet along intervals and then we did a video of her in the car and then we basically it was her director or teacher just going we've built this tower of giraffe measuring and now we're off to find a giraffe and we drove the car with this massive tower on top of into the distance and she did well for that you know

so from that point of view I think I'm quite a good dad yeah you're a fun dad but you're also a dad that throws yourself into it you're not like oh no 100% like in the lockdown you know I know this came out of that where were you in the UK or Australia

for lockdown in Australia in Melbourne where it was the harshest lockdown in the world you were like there was an 8 o'clock curfew he weren't allowed to go more than three miles from your front door and those drafts live four miles away don't they

which is a night now for the homework and they tantalise you because you can see them you can see them over the top to thick the worst thing about giraffes

you know what I mean they're just they tease they tease you know and they look close but they're so big they're actually quite far away exactly

you ask any mass eye that's why even some of the smaller giraffes you think you can see them that's why in National Geographic you know when you see

those warriors jumping up and down they're basically they're looking over a hedge they're like that there's no one over there well there was two things so there was like

when that lockdown started my eldest she was on her she's on her lap you're all right if you're right I just heard I just heard a whack

with it is he um is he broadcasting from a sex dungeon that's well no that's his family home and the kids are

off school for summer holidays so I think one's just bowed in he's got his mother-in-law they're recovering from surgery with his mother-in-law

sister looking after and his wife's just gone out so the mother-in-law's sister who's looking after hers, also keeping an eye on the three-year-old and the six-year-old. Oh, wonderful. Yeah, it's on brand. You could have re-scheduled.

I know, no. No, this is like it every day. It's never better than this. This is as professionals we get. That's of respect to me, though, that you think there would be another time when it wouldn't be this much of a mess. Well, it's more that I heard. It sounded like a whip.

Yeah, what was that door? He's either built a sex room or your management of, going we need more podcasts I think your ears are too horny every sound is sexual to you yeah it's because of the heat over here going up but oh god yeah

and the legs of the giraffe oh you get a pole dancer on one of them that's four sexy ladies moving across anyway so you know there for locked her and I went into my daughter's room and she's on a laptop the eldest one and she's typing away

like proper typing and I walked in I said, do you need any help with your schoolwork? And she didn't even look up. She kept typing. And she just went, if it's art or drama, I'll come and find you. And then there was a point where, so I'd built an archery range. So I let a big target up.

I've got a long bow. And then the eldest one's got like a plastic sort of longer bow. and then the little one's got like a little bow and arrow and I said all right okay let's go out let's do some archery she were doing the archery and the little one literally turned to me and she went are you training us in case there's an apocalypse and I went yep because did you live in the outback for a bit no the outback you would sort of class as be in the desert but no I lived in the bush I lived down the middle of nowhere yeah I had sort of with your kids well no the eldest was born how would was she, she was three months old. So, yeah, she only lived there for three months. And then that's, I had this ranch, I had this sort of, like, massive rank. I had, like, a, it was amazing.

It was a valley. But what they don't tell you about Australia is quite flammable. There's this massive bushfire. Yeah, so we lost the house and everything was just gone. It was like a nuclear bomb in it. Yeah, and she was only four months old at the site. So actually, we went from having kind of everything, you know, like literally, you know, you took the box of, like, we just had this.

This 100-acre ranch, it was no one else around. We had like a lake and I had canoes and loads of motorbikes, June buggies and all sorts of stuff. It was brilliant. It was like the perfect, you kind of went out. And then there was just miles or miles of like national park, you know. So it was a bit kind of, a bit wild west, you know. Sounds mad max.

Well, yeah, there's a touch of that, to be honest. The neighbors were, yeah, they'd go, here we go. And then so that, we went from that to be. Basically, the fire came through, and we had the clothes we stood up in. Like, we lost everything in the fire. Jeez, fucking how. I mean, I've had better days, like. And anyway, so the eldest, he was three months old at the time.

And then it was just before I was coming back to the UK to do my UK tour. So that was an interesting introduction to being a dad was basically. Oh, no, actually, I tell her like, I had an over night bag, so I was right. but my wife had her wallet and a nappy. Oh my God. And that's all we had. So we lost everything, right? Were you in the house when it was happening?

Was you out? You know what? I was doing a gig. So I wasn't there. My wife was. And let's just say, yeah, it was very, very close. And, yeah, yeah. Hey, everyone.

If you're a parent, if you're listening to this, because you're not, imagine almost, anyway. So that's too horrific to even go into. It was fuller. But anyway, so my introduction to really being a dad for the first time is I did an 80-date tour of the UK and island with a three-month-old baby, different hotel every night. My wife and I and the child, let's just say a delightful combination of a new baby and post-traumatic stress. whilst you go through insurance and trying to rebuild your life

and oh my God you're rebuilding your life from a fucking Radisson Blue in Bristol now wonder you like stopping conversations of thinking of something else A little bit yeah there was one day

we had a got like this band thing and again it was this mad thing of like you know look there are people in the world who don't have anything we were still you know look we were still

staying in very, very nice hotels. You know what I mean? Like compared to a lot of people, I'm not going, oh, woe is me, but as one of those things where we literally are. I don't think anyone would resent you. What kind of sicko would, no, I think you're allowed a bit of woeys me. If I was you, I'd be well woeys me. I'd be fucking knee

deep in woe with me. Enjoy it. Asking it. But the thing was, you know what it's like when you're on tour, and it's a sort of thing where, so we're new parents, we've got this tiny child. And I, I like, to drive myself. You didn't even have a tour manager?

Oh no, I had a tour manager, but I like to drive myself. So the tour manager is a separate vehicle with a set and all of that sort of stuff. Oh, no, don't get me wrong. I like a crew. I like to have a crew. But I just like to be in the car. And so I had myself and then my wife and the baby. But it's that thing of like, you know what it's like on tour sort of thing where you wake up?

Then you go right, you've got to check out. And you go, right, where have we got to go now? So we've got to head to the next town or whatever. Lincoln. Yeah, exactly. You go, right, I've got to go to Lincoln. And the baby doesn't know that it's like, you know, I need to feed at this time. And so there was one day I was literally driving along and I looked over my shoulder.

The child was in the car seat and my wife was breastfeeding, like dangling the over the child. She's just go crazy on the corners. Yeah, so that was my introduction. And was the original plan for them to come across with you for the tour, or were they going to stay until... The plan was not to lose everything. But what I mean is like... The fire wasn't planned, is that your question?

Sorry, I work with the insurance company. No, like, were you planning on them being in the UK for the tour anyway, or was it like, oh, we've just got to do this now? But it was also the fact that you're going, you'd be driving along, turn around, you see the life and the child, then you just go, well, this is kind of it. This is, you're going, oh, we haven't got a really nice house to go back to, whichever hotel we check into, that's, I guess, where we live now.

God, God, bro. So that was like 15 years, it was it 15, 16 years ago, that was? 16 years ago, yeah. Yeah. Blimey. Is your wife Australian, presumably? Yes, yes, yes. Yeah.

Are your kids like, do they have a. preference on Australia or the UK, like, have you brought them back here? Yeah, they don't want to move back to the UK. Do they? Yeah. So if you bounced back a lot then, Ross, so between, you know, from that tour when they were three months old, what was your chunks been between Australia and the UK? Because it's hard with young kids, in it, with school and stuff.

Yeah, well, we lived in Kent for 10 years. What about? I live in Kent, respect? Oh, here we go. Oh, here we go. Now, got to try and guess here. There's two sides of Kent, isn't that? Yeah.

there's the London bit and then actual Kent yeah I lived in a beautiful little village on the outskirts of Tombridge Wales oh not too far from me actually

oh okay so you did 10 years there and then I was basically like wanted the kids to grow up because I wanted them to grow up in Australia you know really for their schooling

and everything I just thought yeah let's get them back over there so what happened was we bought I was working in the UK and I couldn't get back to look at houses and stuff.

So I just said to my missus and said, just find us a nice house. Like I said, that's the sort of person. I'm where I just went, you know what, just find us somewhere. It'll be fine.

You know what I need. I don't have you down as a micromanager. No. No. As long as it's got a moat. Yeah, obviously. Because I'm totally over what happened. Only you should say that regarding modes,

there are two castles, fake castles for sale. It's one in the Sunshine Coast. It's like a sort of, you know, these like medieval times, like reenactment type places? The theme parkies. Anyway, we were up there and I saw this thing and I just went, oh, look, there's a medieval day out there. We'll have some of that, right? And my wife was like, yeah, I've got some things I need to do this afternoon.

You take the kids. As we got closer to it, there's only a for sale sign up. She's seen the for sale sign and she's literally, I haven't even said anything. She went, don't even think about it. So I was working on this show in London And then I came back She sent me some pictures And she went right, this is the house

So they move out, ship all the stuff They move in, set everything up You know, there's not huge requirements She knows that positioning of the telly is quite important But anyway, so I get to the airport And she's texted me the address So now I'm in London for like a month

I don't know where I live. Like, I don't know where my family lives at this point. So she's texting me the address. So I get a cab, airport, and driving then the guy's going, oh, you know, you come and I'm saying, yeah, yeah, you know, you can see me wife and kids and everything. And then he pulls up in the street and he goes, which one's your house? And I went, oh, I'm going to say that one, maybe.

And he's going, you said it was your house now. Yeah, I've not seen it yet. And like, I've been talking about the wife and kids and everything. He thinks he's delivering a stalker. So we lived there for, we had this beautiful house down, you know, by the ocean. It had all the boxes you could tick for like, you know, the sort of aspirational keeping up with the Jones's bullshit lifestyle.

And I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle it. I just couldn't handle those people around. I'm quite a sociable person, but I do like being on my own. So I convinced my wife. And I thought, right, this would be good. I said, look, we can't live anywhere that's flammable, but we could buy another farm because I like the space.

I said, look, because I was like, no, no, I can live in a regular. Was it very suburbsy, but very suburban? Yeah, you know, like a sort of seaside type. Was this in Melbourne? Was this in Melbourne? Down on the Mornington Peninsula. It's beautiful, like beautiful bit anyway. Is it where I imagine Adam Hills lives, that kind of house?

I nearly killed him, actually, at the place that burned down. Yeah. Because the thing is, when anybody came around, it was always, like, you see, it was kind of a mad max thing. I'd just be like, you know, we'd go out looking for kangaroos and snakes and stuff. And I used to have people on the back of the pickup truck and everything. We'd be out in the dark with lights and everything. And I said to Hilsie, I was like, he said, I'll teach you out to play tennis. And so I'll have teach you out to ride a motorbike then.

So I've put him on a motorbike. But I forgot, of course, because of his leg, you need this thing going on. And he literally wound it up and he went, and he just. fired he just rocketed off and then the bike went and he was sliding along and i just oh my god yeah yeah it was pretty full on and i went do you want to teach me tennyson but yeah anyway so we lived in this and then i was just i couldn't handle living where we were living so i convinced my wife i said look let's buy another farm and let's do you're ready for this this is just slightly off the parenting thing but it does come wrong

You're your kids of that? I said, I know the kids have got everything that could possibly want in this house. Yes, I know that on paper, this is a bit of swimming pool, yes. Look, it was a dick's house, right? A dick's house. It was a dick's house. It was one of those things where... It's the kind of house I'd definitely have if I move there.

And it doesn't mean we can't be friends, Ross, but I love a dick's house. Yeah, I'm just saying, look, it was lovely, but yeah. Dicks are lovely sometimes. So there The T-shirt, there's a bit of merch for you It's still So anyway, I just said, look This was my clever way

Of reframing it I didn't say, hey, listen I want to move back to a farm And return to my outdoor ways, right? Because I love having a tractor And I love doing all that. Anyway, I said, Hey, you love watching grand designs

Just like me. Why don't we? Oh, yeah, exactly. Exactly. Hey, why don't we do the old Grand Designs thing? It'd be fantastic. I don't think the moral of Grand Designs is ever, and it turned out well. The moral of Grand Designs is, and he had a breakdown and lost everything, every fucking week.

Again. Yeah. Again. Yeah. So I was like, right, we're Grand Designs in it. So here's what we'll do. Let's sell this incredible house that most people would be swan around in going, oh, that's fair good for entertaining. So we found this place

Out of it, still on the peninsula It was an absolute shack of a place Like literally Tiny little run-down farmhouse So we looked at it And my wife's got a weird thing About people dying in houses So no one's ever died in this place

But it's a rundown shack And I said, right Let's buy this place How old your kids at this point This would have been You'll be able to work it out when I tell you, we moved in, nothing faded in the house

because we moved from the big house. We moved in and then it was rough. It was rough and ready. I said, oh, it'll be really good for the kids. It's not going to be that long because we've got all the thing. And she went, look on the news.

Look what's happening in China. No. Yeah. So literally, we moved in and boom, COVID hit. And the upside is had a lot of space outside. but the downside was I had removed my children from what could only be described as a luxury

lifestyle and put them into a rundown shack. This is, you know, at the end of Ad Break 1 on Grand Designs, and then, well, we're at AdBrate 1 at this point. Yeah, COVID hits. You couldn't get any building supplies. Everything stock. It was game over. And then it was that thing of ours going, yeah, but it's fine.

We can still do this. I'll just have to move the tour a little bit and then my wife starts going you do know that all you do is work live that is your thing I know it yeah it'll be fine the theatre's all reopened soon

and she was literally going this could be five years I'm not qualified for anything else I know you guys who've got the tell you stuff and she just went we are screwed so my kids were literally they went from

all they've known when we lived in the UK basically my kids went from having a swimming pool and having their own bedrooms and a big playroom with their own like a dick's house and all of the stuff games room and pool table and all of that's the house we had in the UK that was the same sort of thing.

I had a cinema and it was just it was a dick's house and we moved literally the windows were broken The mice were so bad that we've got a guy out And he said, he said, I'm going to have to use poison to get rid of these And then he poisoned all the mice And then the mice, they then went outside and died And then the chickens hit the mice All of my chickens, they all died

And then the dead chickens started attracting snakes Jesus Christ The next door neighbor came over and just went what is going on we've just found a brown snake so that's happened but I maintain that was the best thing

that happened to us as a family my family do not agree but and then obviously we got all the planning permission through we had the site all ready to go and you know like in grand designs whether like we're pushing on

the image of Kevin McLeod appeared and I turned to my wife and I went shall we give up on a dream and she went yes we will and we sold the farm and then we bought a house the house that I'm sitting in right now welcome back to Dixville everybody so yeah so that was what do we know 25 so yeah so my eldest was 13

so they literally and this was a shack of a place and it was I think long term it's good for him it's not great for a kid to grow up in a Dixie house their whole life. Exactly. Because the danger is they get used to dick. They become a dick. They become a dick.

A hundred percent. Because it's hard, you know, it's one of those things where I always used to see this thing to my wife where I'd go like, they've got so many opportunities and they just have like, I don't want them to grow up as like these sort of privileged kids. And my wife pointed out, they can't not. It's pulp common people, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? It's like, you just have to accept that.

you know if you're lucky enough to have be able to give them all these opportunities you've just got to try to constantly on a minute by minute basis remind them how bloody lucky they're you know what I mean you've got to say your privilege but you're not entitled and you might be surrounded by entitled people but you can't be like that but you can't do that by saying well you're not going to get this or you know what I think they can see though from your hard work you know you're such a and you've come from not much to have this amazing career and life and, you know, you going on that tour

with the three-month-old to do 80 shows when you've lost everything and had basically post-traumatic stress, that is hard graft that got you that. They will be aware of. There's no heavy lifting involved. And that's the thing. Maybe not for you, but it's no one else

can do what you go out and do, Ross. Do you what I mean? But again, this is the problem. It's that thing of like, from their point of view, I can't turn around to them and go, it's a lot of work. They can sort of sit, you know, when I'm away for ages, yeah,

but at the same time, it's one of those things where they look at it and they just go, well, is that work? You're not doing a lot of prep, are you? Let's face it. You're not blocking yourself in the office. That is working on the show. Let's talk about the tour that is making them into dicks. Yes.

It's financing the dick life. Well, I think it's financing the recovery from the, the audacious farm move. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's look at the talk. Do the dates, Josh. Should you do the Australian ones as well? Yes, please. You're going to Upway, Bairnsdale, Wangarada, Pakenham, Melbourne, Bellrose, Sutherland, Penrith, Sydney, and the Blue Mountains in August and September. Oh, and that's what I was going to say.

I saw Rob you were talking about Therule. You were talking about your Therule gig, yes. We'll come back to my... Yeah, promote mine for a bit if you want. I'm struggling in Turul to sell a ticket. wherever it is. I'm going to be across the UK, start, when do I start October?

Going to be in October, running right through till next year, rosnoble.com, I'm going everywhere. That's all people need to know. You're going everywhere. October, November, February, March, the months.

Theroul? Yes. It's Anita's Theatre, Theroul. It's one of the weirdest theatres on the planet. Okay. And just so you know, because I saw you at things saying, oh my God, I've sold out in Sydney,

and Thirul is basically, it was Anita's theatre it was Anita's husband ran the theatre for years and it's only

just changed hands it's now run by Live Nation but the theatre itself is completely like it's a great theatre

and it's a great town and the audience is a great but there is no internal advertising mechanism and it is not

part of a bigger network so if you can sell tickets in Therul you've got loyal following, is what I'm saying. Well, I'll tell you now, Ross, I can't.

So that would be great if I could, but at the moment, I can't. And at least that explains what. And Canberra, Canberra, do they buy tickets late, I've been told. Is that true? No, okay. Well, you know what? You're promoters, very generous. Amazing.

You know what? That says to me that your management, really have got your best interests at heart that they've told you that. They're good guys. Yeah, because your camera date seems to be nearly sold out, which is weird,

considering they buy tickets late. Yeah. So you're going everywhere, Ross. So how long are you away from the family for in the UK doing this? So I leave in October. I get back, I'll break it up,

so I'll do like first off the tour and then I'll come back to, It's about six weeks. Yeah, about six weeks, something like that. And then I'll come back and do the same again. And, yeah, I try and sort of, it looks like a massive job. Actually, I chunk it down and, you know, school holidays. And I try and sort of organize my tour around the family.

So will the family come over with you? No, no. And they want to move back, you said. Do they want to move back to the UK, the teenagers? They do. They're very much desperate to move back. They're done with Australia. They want to come back to the UK.

So when you start seeing me popping up and think, well, Ross is popping up on things that that's when I moved back. The kids have won. Oh, no, and it's fine. I don't care. Whatever. Does your wife want to move back or not? Yeah, yeah.

She's the one leading this, and I'm going to call it mutiny. I mean, look, I don't want to sound like an old-fashioned father, but I would almost see a coup. Right, I'm a big fan of yours, Ross. this is a bit of a nerdy comedy question but obviously you are known for improvising, but how much of is improvised and how much is it a framework

that you pivot off? And I'm not some dick on the radio ask is I know what improv, you know, fake pretend, I've got that, oh wow, how are we talking about giraffes? Come on. We're not what's going on. What, you want to know the exact percentages of it? I'd quite like to know the percentages of it

at the start of the gig and then how much of it can be. So do you go on with a, basically, hours worth of material, but then if it's going well with improvising, you can just drop it. Rob improvises a lot, and he's looking to... And there's not many of us, Ross. Well, it depends, really, because it sort of changed. I'll tell you what I do, right?

So basically, I think from what I can gather, I had a podcast where somebody was talking about the way that you write. I think it might be Josh with Frank Skinner. Yeah, it's me with Frank Skinner. That was it, yeah. Basically, that thing of going on and writing on stage, you know, that thing of like,

coming up with stuff. So what I do is I will come on stage. And again, it's that weird thing if you go, there's five different ways I can explain this. I think sometimes people think there's like a framework and I go off from, because people are obsessed with this idea that there's a show and there's improvising. And that's the first mistake. And also, what's happened days and let's be honest with the Instagram the proliferation of shit crowd work right

it's sort of devalued so there's that thing of like you go there's talking to people in the crowd so basically what I do is I go on stage and I don't have I have no plan I've never had an opening line

because I just I couldn't trust it so I never have an opening line and I don't have like a thing where I go this is the show this is what I start with and this is what I end with I go on I see what happens

and then whatever comes up that just spinning off my head sometimes off the audience sometimes it's just something that's I get these things in my head that I get obsessed with so that'll pop up

so I'll come on and then I'll kind of see where that takes me so maybe I do 20 minutes and out of that 20 minutes there might be stay like a minute

because that's so specific to you know the world building it only works if you follow that you know one thing leads to another leads to another yes or sometimes like that afternoon I'll say something I think I'll talk about that either that's a funny thing and I'll just report back

or I'll go that's a thing that I've seen today and I want to talk about it and I'll make it funny does that make sense and then the energy and excitement of you almost gets it over the line because you're you know, if you're obsessed of it, like people seeing some

with that much enthusiasm about a subject can give it that energy where if you try to do it the next night, you're like, well, actually, I'm not bothered about that. I'm in a different town

so it won't hit. So it could be something I've seen, something about the town, could be something I've seen on telly, all this stuff that I kind of go, I want to talk about that, I'll just make it funny.

And then there's other stuff that you go, oh, that's really funny, I've just got to talk about it. But then what happens is I go on and I start doing that because I get so easily distracted, I'll go off on a tangent and I might not get back

to the thing that I started with. Often I won't ever get back to it and it's that thing of the next day I'll be at breakfast and somebody will be, I was at the show what was that thing about the fish and I go, oh yeah, yeah, so that's going on. Often there'll literally be people stop me in the street

and go, you never finished and I got I'll do it now for you. So that when this happened and then she said this and then this happened but then what happens is I'll get out of 20 minutes you did ask normally I've never seen Rob so interested

in anything in my life I'm locked in and bear in mind right that I'm in this room and you're sat there interested in what I'm seeing which does not happen with my children so this could go on for some time so out of that 20 minutes there might be something in there

that as a concept I just go oh yeah that's like a that's a nugget of a thing the next night so i might get like five of those things over a week or whatever yeah so how long's the show how long's your tour show is it an hour or do it 240 minutes two hours two hours sometimes two and a half if i'm really in jock yeah so then a nugget from an improvised bit the nugget you'll work on over the other shows if it's something that you really like off the back of it yeah so it'll be that thing of like i get that nugget and then i'll kind of now here's the thing right so sometimes you go here's a nugget here's a nugget

of an idea and I'll remember it and I'll think oh yeah that's a good idea now sometimes I might think I'm going to talk about this and I'm going to move towards I think right I'm going to head towards that thing sometimes I get to it sometimes I don't and I come off and go that's what I'd plan to get to but then sometimes I'll start with that thing and I'll go here's the thing and then I'll see like where it goes from there I'll sort of take that thing and I'll go off from it, but then I've got this thing where if something starts to become, like a bit, like if it's a bit, as soon as it starts to feel like, I want to mess, like, I want to use it as a, yeah, yeah, exactly.

So it's one of those things where, you know how some people go, right, I'll take these things and I'll form them into the show. If things start getting to, if I'm going back and I think, hang on, I'm just repeating myself here. Yeah. If I go, hang on, this feels like a bit now. I'll do the end of it and I won't do the start or sometimes I'll basically go

I'm going to get to the bit I know there's a joke here the original thing that you started with I then go right I'm not going to touch that almost like once I find sometimes when it becomes too tight and the bits become too clear it stops being stand up and becomes almost like an acting out a monologue

because then that's when everyone goes mad 100% ask you one more question we'll go back to the judge Goldsmith must be fucking livid at the way you're running this interview So it's sort of most, you just get frustrated and bored when it becomes too repetitive. So if I come and saw you two nights in a row, okay, so on a good week, say you are absolutely on November the 22nd and 23rd, if I live in Portsmouth and I came to both of those, for instance. Yeah, say I came to a gig and it's a good week, right, and you are loving it, you're on fire,

you're well-rested, sorry, terrible to use that. You're on form. You're on form, you're on form, you're loving it, and you're loving it, and you're the best Ross Noble can be, right? In those two shows, how much will I see in the next show, right? If you are at your absolute best. And then the same question, but you're at your worst, you're tired, it's all going a bit wrong. Will you fall back and not be as improvising when you're not up to it or unwell?

So how similar or different will the shows be in two days? Well, again, it depends. It really all depends. But, for example, if one of your kids are coming in. Let me just deal with that. his kids come in and just going I want an exact percentage it really all depends

like for example there's a comic who came to see me exactly with that question there was a couple that came to see me three nights running in Sydney and they sat in the same seats and it completely messed with my head

so I just did a different show every night almost like a challenge then isn't it yeah so yeah it really all depends I mean it's one of those things where if I'm in the same venue, I might do a completely different show. Like, you know, if I'm doing two nights, then the second night might be completely different to the first night.

You're the first person we've interviewed where we're going to recommend that they see all 60 dates of the tour. Just follow you around. Ross, I'm going to come and see your tour show. Can I come and backstage after and talk to you? Absolutely, yeah. Let me run through the dates. Let me Steve write it.

St. Auburn, St. Albans, Cardiff, Glasgow, Inverness, Dunfermaline, Aberdeen, Dund D, Edinburgh, Buxton, Stoke, Cambridge, Harrogate, Cheltenham, Manchester, Eastbourne, Winchester, Exeter, Exeter, Exeter, Beasance, Oak, Dunbridge, Portsmouth, Portsmouth, York, Portsmouth, Royal Lamington, Norwich, Dorkshire, Newcastle, Newcastle, Newcastle, Newcastle, Newcastle, London Palladium, Guildford, Salford, Sonsie, Kingsland, Nottingham, Oxford, London Palladium again, Canterbury, South Wales, then, Paul, Northampton, Truro, Swindon, Bradford, Birmingham, Sheffield, High Wickham, finishing in Bristol. Yeah, it's got a few dates there, a few dates. That's going to fund and emigration back to the UK, isn't it? Yeah, a return. We always end on the same question, Ross. Thank you, you've been an incredible guest.

I don't know where Rob's gone. He's gone to answer the door. I've never had a podcast host literally walk out on me. Neither have I. I was reading the dates, and I came back and he'd gone. It's been a lot of fun. I don't know if I've really talked about parenting. oh you've talked about parenting a lot you haven't realized everything falls under that and we always

end with the same question which is two-parter which is about your partner which is what one thing does she do so i'm just doing the final you do the final question rob go on the final question ross what is the one thing about your wife that she does as a parent that you think you're amazing i'm blown away by you and what's the one thing she does that annoys you slightly that if she was to listen she'd go he's got in a parenting way because at the moment it feels like she's doing a lot of the heavy lifting with the logistics. I can safely say she will not be listening to this.

Pretty much guarantee. There's no fear. What does she do? You know what? The thing is, I said it at the start, right? My wife, right? Listen, I'll tell you what. My wife.

I'll tell you what, right? Make the wife, don't laugh. My wife, in all seriousness, my wife isn't just a great, you know, partner. She is genuinely, probably talk more about parenting. I love the fact this whole thing has just been me talking about where I live. Where do you live? My business is like an incredible, like, you know, you get their mugs to say like world's best mom and all the rest of it.

I think, hang on a second. There's no ranking system here. So she is like phenomenal. Like not just, oh, she's a good mom. She literally pours like everything into the kids. Like she's kind of, and I realize that that might be because she has no option. But no, she's phenomenal. Even to the point where like our girls, whenever they have anything,

it's one of those things where they can talk to us, her, about anything at all. and they're great kids and that's because she is like honestly as a mom always has me even from when she gave birth she went and I'm not judging look I'm not judging any people do whatever you want

but my missus just went yeah I'm not going to bother with the painkillers and stuff because I want the kids to be like alert and I went bit of gas in air bit of gas in air she went no so literally she gave birth to two kids didn't even have the air didn't even have the air

Didn't even have that business, like nothing at all. Doing that second time as well, fair enough, you might go in the first time being a bit braggadocious, but she did it the second time round as well was outrageous. Second time, she goes, I want a homebirth this time. And yeah, all right, stop the clock, this might be a while. So we want to have a homebirth, and we lived in, like, the place, again, it was kind of country, it was snowing.

And the midwife that was supposed to come and deliver the baby, this is the second. After all we went through them, she says, I'm going to have to show you how to deliver the baby in case I can't get through the snow. Oh, my God. In our house, I'm thinking, oh, hell, hell, this could be tricky. I'm always like, yep, fine.

He learned how to deliver a baby, that's okay. And then so I built a birthing, because all I was thinking was, she was like homebirth, and all I was thinking was a carpets new. So I built this birthing nest. It was all, like, beautiful sheets and pillows and stuff, but underneath I put a bit of tarpaulin so it didn't come through

and I swear to God I know this sounds like a joke but I swear this is true I was stood in the hardware store I was at the B&Q home base and I was holding two tarpaulans and the blood came over

he went can I help you and without thinking I literally went which one of these is better for blood I swear to God I swear to God it's for my wife so she is like

absolutely like off the chart and to be honest it's like she has to be so I would just say like everything she does is just brilliant and in terms of what

does she do that you know what and I've got over it now I've got over it now so over it it didn't take your two seconds to remember when we first had the kids

in fact no before we had kids I was one of those idiots that used to go oh yeah but you know giving kids a little slap that's fine because I got hit as a kid and I go I had that thing going oh it never did me any harm if a kid's done something

you give me a little slap and stuff and my wife literally went what are you talking about and better mind this is like 16 years ago before it was illegal and stuff and she just went are you insane and it's true you wouldn't eat your dog

He wouldn't hit your wife, you know. And I used to get a proper wallop in as a kid. And it was one of those things where I was like, that's all fine. Also, loads of things that I would, when I was a kid, that I just went, yeah, but you know, it's this and it's that. And she just went, you're a lunatic. Like, you know, that thing of her explaining to me that things weren't acceptable? And again, that thing of being shouted at, you know?

When I was a kid, it was that thing of like, you'd get a slap. you'd get a shouting and stuff and she just went, why would you shout at the kids? And I was like, well because that's... Well, that was your normal. Exactly. And it's that thing she just went, if you're shouting at a child, you've lost. She hasn't done

some sort of child rearing thing. She's just a really good. But again, she's not one of those... Our kids aren't naughty because it's that thing of like, you sit them down and you go, right, would you like it if this happened

to you and there's that thing going on and it's one of those things where by actually treating them like human beings yeah we can go out for dinner or whatever even when they were like you know five or six or a four or five they're not on their phones they'll sit there they'll be part of the conversation and it's one of those things where if you're a dick this is what i've realized like people who have had dickish kids you're probably a dick yourself you know what i mean you're living a dick's You know what I mean? It's like, if you're a dick, your kids will be a dick. And people that look at their kids and go, oh, I've got loads of problems with

these. So I go, well, do you think that might be because you're a bit of... But if you'd met someone that had the same childhood as you, you'd both go into it ignorantly going, well, that's what you do, isn't it? Absolutely. And that was your normal. So you need that person to break that sort of chain. But like, because you just look at the other person and go, well, that's what happened to us. Is that what we do then?

But it's amazing that you've, you know, you could be honest about that. but yeah, it's brutal. You know, and then when we first had kids and stuff, and it used to kind of annoy me, you know, she'd just go, what are you doing? You know, why are you, don't touch that. And you know, the other thing, that thing of like doing things like,

because I've learned this, this is one of the few things I've learned with kids and stuff, you see people and their kids will be, and I'm all for going, you know, when they were little and stuff, you know, if they were climbing on something, I was one of those parents that did, can I climb up that?

And I'll go, yeah, to try, you know, I'm not going to, oh, you might, you know, so I'm very much like that. But it's one of those things where you see those parents and they go, the kids will be walking along a thing on a playground or whatever, and they'll go, oh, careful, you don't fall. And it's one of those things where as soon as you say it to your kids, as soon as you say, you're going to fall, you put the idea in their head. I'm guilty of that sometimes. You know what I mean?

Where you go, they're balancing along and you go, well, this is good balancing. That's amazing what you're saying before about. Like how it frustrated you when your wife was saying, no, we can't do that. Because what then it does, it puts a mirror up to your own childhood. Because you go, yeah, we can because that's what you. And then all of a sudden, this person is explaining to you that your childhood wasn't acceptable, which then opens up a whole can of worms that you're sort of frustrated that that door's been opened in your head. Then you have to reflect on it.

So, you know, it could be frustrating and upsetting. And equally, you know, when they sort of say like kids nowadays, you know, with their, you know, because we were playing on building sites and, you know, if you found an old fridge, it was the greatest time. You know what I mean? It was that thing of like... Sorry, you're 83?

No, I think, but I think you're both a little bit younger than me on you. I was still of that generation where, like, when I was growing up, a building site didn't have a fence around it, you know what I mean? We were like, you know how like all of those, you say all the old things that it was like,

don't climb on a pylon. And you look at it now and you go, sort of an idiot when I was a kid it was that thing of like oh look at that electrical substation that looks like a bit of foot there was just a different be careful don't fall people go oh you know kids are wrapped up in cotton wool and nowadays and they've got all this i just look at it now and go with what's happening online and how advanced kids are and what they're exposed to and the way that the world's changed i think kids now it's a far more difficult dance place now than it ever was. And when you get older people just going, oh, kids nowadays they're all wrapped in cotton wool. We used to be out there playing and stuff. Just go, shut up.

It's a thousand times harder. Physically, it might be a bit easier, but mentally, it's exhausting for him. Yeah, but anyway. Ross, this has been amazing. Good luck with the tour all over Australia and the UK. It's been an absolute joy. I've loved this. Thanks. What time is it with you? Are you about to go to bird? It's 17 minutes past eight, so yes. In three minutes I will be close to it. I'll try and come to a gig. I'll have a look at the date. Have a look at the dates. Let me know. And then we can deconstruct. I will Paul Daniels style. Rob will be taking notes throughout. 27th of February, London Palladium. Right. I'm going to try and come to that one. I'm definitely going to be on tour for that. This tour is exactly where my tour is. We're going to be shattering each other all over the

country, Ross. Absolutely. I'll leave you a small cake in the dressing room. Cheers, Ross. Thanks, mate. I'll see then. Bye. Ross Noble. Now, this is going to have to be a lovely outro because he didn't stop talking. I loved it. He would love it. He would sit there for five hours, I think. He loves it. He loves it. He's so funny. So great. So interesting as well.

Go and see him on tour. What an amazing story. What an amazing comedian. See you on Tuesday, Rob. Ross Noble. Yeah. See you there, mate. Bye. Thank you.