Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S11 EP30: Pre-emptive Strike

Episode Date: November 25, 2025

More misadventures in parenting, life, and beyond with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe... In this episode we discuss some recent D.I.Y. they've done. There's a new underwear upgrade debate (including a challenge for Producer Michael) And there's an update on the life and times of Chip the hamster... If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] Follow us on instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@parentinghell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please subscribe and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When you're flying Emirates business class, enjoying a good night's rest in your live flat seat, you'll see that your vacation isn't really over until your flight is over. Fly Emirates, fly better. Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Whitickham. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves and hopefully you, feel.

better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting. Each week, you'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice, and, of course, tales of parenting, woe. Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Hello, good for being told.

Ernie. can you say Rob Beckett Rob Beckett And can you say Josh Whittickon Oh, Roderickum Well done We're back on

Yes Ernie sounds like a handful This is my 24 month old Ernie attempting your names We've now also got a three month old Percy Sir Rick, good names Really in the throes of it

I've been listening to the pod Since well before I became a mum It's got me through the end this night feeds, car naps and tough days of tantrums. Thanks for all the last slides. Keep doing what you're doing. Emma, sorry, in Hastings. Ernie and Percy.

I like the names, but I just think school's going to be tough for Percy. No, Rob, this is... Percy Pig. Immediately. Percy, I always think of Percy from Thomas Tankenden. It's literally the top, one of the top sweets kids know about.

It is, it is. Oh, do you know what? Maybe it's, I'm a little bit now. narrow-minded because I went to a school where if you was called Percy your life's over so maybe that is a bit more modern now I'm gonna say it I'm gonna say it Hastings Rob yeah it's DFL Central it's full of Percy's what's DFL down from London's people who've moved out yeah yeah yeah yeah but this is a problem it ain't it's full of people from Hastings as well you're gonna get a couple of Percy's and a few

Abigail's and then you got fucking Steve and Jason going, what's your fucking name? Percy. I love that Abigail's your example. Look, it was like Kate. You call Kate. It's been a dramatic morning, Rob, at P-H-H-Q. P-H-H-Q.

I'd say at P-H-H-H-Q, it's been a fairly calm morning. I think it's been... Well, Michael's been asleep. Well, yeah, he's been asleep, and I've had a lovely journey home, and I've chilled out for two hours. I'd say, you've had more of a stressful morning. morning.

I've made it on time. I've made it on time. Well, let's set the scene. We're recording this at 1 o'clock on Monday. Because both of us had tour shows last night. Yes. So we needed to get back. We needed to get back.

And you were in, uh, where was that fucking hell? Blackpool. Blackpool. You was in Blackport and I was in Halifax. Have you done that theater in Blackpool? It is a beaut. Yes, lovely. It's really nice.

Yeah. I haven't got problem with a theatre. No, and then I came out and there was a billboard. I don't think for that venue, showing that Roy Chubby Brown does a monthly residency in Blackpool. Wow. And Katie Hopkins is doing two nights on her tour. Yeah, I mean, it's a different audience to mine. I'd say the theatre in Blackpool can't fault it.

No. All your fans and audience that are in there, top draw. It's just when you leave and you see someone doing heroin in the alley next to the theatre, that's the juxtaposition. Do they want a selfie or not? Using the back of a spoon. So using Blackpool, I was in Halifax. So I drove from Halifax to Leicester,

stayed overnight out on Erta Hotel on the M1 and then got up this morning and left and drove back. Yeah, got up at 7 a.m. Not really, no, just I got up at 7 a.m. Tired? Tired, not, well, I'm tired from a busy week. You're not tired from getting in a car at 7 a.m. needlessly. I feel like you're coming out quite aggressively here, Josh,

considering you're the person who missed their train and has pushed back the start time. This is what was described in the Iraq war as a preemptive strike. So I got to my hotel at Leicester at midnight, went to bed, woke up at half six, had a quick coffee, jumped in the car at seven, fell asleep in the car, got over at 10. What? Did you have a shower?

I had a shower the night before. when I got into the hotel and then I got home about what's that what about the night any sweat from the night no I don't sweat in the night it wouldn't make any difference then to wear a watch you've really come out swinging

it's because I've got so much energy because I had a good lion buzzing so no I'm fine don't I'm not moaded I'm not just the only time I'm not mowed about me inside anyway I got him at 10 you messaged me and Michael saying that you're going to be late

because the train you booked got cancelled. But we speak a lot about your anti-buffer approach to life where you got quite a late train from Birmingham, because you went from Blackpool to Birmingham, stayed every night, train from Birmingham to Exeter. But you got a, and I'd check the trains. There have plenty of trains you could have got earlier. You checked the trains.

Who's coming out swinging now? Well, no, because I was just concerned about my start time. Do you know why I checked the trains, Josh? Because I thought, I'm not going to rush in the morning because I know he'll be late. because even if he gets that train. He did rush. You got the 7 a.m.

Yeah, but your train you booked to get got you into Exeter at 12.25 before I got cancelled. 942, yeah. And so how far are you from this station? 8 minutes. 8 minutes, walk or cab? Cab. Right, so but you've got to get off the train, get in a cab. Yeah, so that's about 15 minutes, that's a whole procedure.

So then that brings you to, what's that? 1.40. 140. And it gives you 20 minutes to get in your house and get to. That is not a lot of buffer. It isn't a lot of buffer. I admit that. I had a decision to make.

I may have made the wrong decision. But you've seen all right. You've turned up on time. If you had a message... I know I shouldn't have messaged. That was the big mistake I made. Never. I was sending a priming, I'll be late text.

Yeah. Shouldn't have done it. No. And then you came out swinging a little bit because I did question your buffer etiquette. Yeah, you did question my buffer etiquette. I just think your life could be more relaxed. I do think it could be. But I was so tired.

I thought I'll get a good sleep, a good sleep rather than get an early train. But then you're a real contradiction, Josh, because you always tell me and the listener that you can't sleep in hotels. You can't possibly sleep because of the pillows and the bed and you can't sleep. I take my own pillow now. Right. And mattress. And bread frame. So, yeah.

Anyway, you've had a good sleep. I don't sleep well in hotels. but I was like, I'll sleep much worse if I think I've got a gap at seven having got into the room at 12.30. Got you. Yeah. Anyway, you've made it.

I've made it. We're all good. I'm absolutely buzzing. I've got big news. You look really wide in a good way. It doesn't seem manic. You just like, you love it. You're like, okay, right.

I would say there's a little bit of a sharp energy. I am. Well, I've raced, haven't I? So I'm still. Why have you raced? What's, what has? Because I got in at 12 minutes to one. Is that what time you're training?

got in? Yeah. So you've ran to the cab, got in a cab and got... So the handle broke on my suitcase. Yeah, but no, but Josh, you created Buffer by saying, can we do it at quarter past one? So even when we all agreed that there was Buffer, you decided off your own back. No, but there's nothing to win. You've basically lost Buffer again. I know, but I thought I don't want to be late. No, but you weren't going to be like. You, you started being early. Well, nobody would be a corrective time and then this intro would be all about how we were doing at 115 around one o'clock. You've really swerve that.

Yeah, exactly. Anyway, so what's your, but you're here? You're refreshed. What's the big news? Oh, okay. Sad news. It's a real fucking rollerocity show moment. This is a one show gear change.

I thought it was good news. No, no, it's, um, big news, but it's sad news. Chip the hamster is, uh, in a better place. Well, he's not in a better place, actually. Frome? from no he's so he passed on to the other side oh chip the hamsters died yeah so chip the hamsters died what was it bollock cancer won't it I think so yeah I mean you're not going to get a post-mortem

that's a lot of money to spend there's a lot of money to spend to pay a vet to cut open what is a bollock that's twice the size of the hamster I think you can make your own guesses of what's gone on there um so it was all very sad um and then I went away on Thursday So when did you tell your daughter? He died on Wednesday. Did she find him? No, my wife, Rose did. Oh, Rose did, okay.

Yeah. My wife. He'd, yeah, he was natural causes, presumably. You're right? Yeah, I was just up a check that it was recording, sorry, yeah. I assume it is natural causes, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I can't suspect foul play?

It's not. We're not in an Epstein situation. No. where it will never really be resolved I wouldn't compare him small and furry though my daughter made a box like to bury with like you know

nice messages about how we love him and blah blah blah really nice one and a half oh so not what they live for two didn't they yeah so you know the equivalent of dying at about like 50 60 I suppose, yeah. That's a shame.

Yeah, too young. Whatever the good go young. But anyway, I got to tax some rows on Thursday. Your wife? My wife. They'd gone to bury the hamster. But the ground was frozen, Rob. Oh.

It was too hard. So you couldn't even bury the hamster? So he's currently in the freezer. Oh, no. Oh, that's horrible, isn't it? so that's your job today is it to soften the ground you don't know because i've only got in two minutes ago so i haven't really talked about it yet you've really got a building berry and hamster buffer yeah i know i need to fix my lawnmower that broke and no yeah the grass is grown it's just a nightmare

isn't it it's unbelievable yeah so we've currently got a hamster in the freezer i had to fix the toilet when i got in did you yeah the screw well i've been doing some DIY Rob Yeah So what's the plan on the hamster You're just going to bury it at some point today I don't know Have you got the day off now

Wow yeah I'm doing this But then this will take me to pick up School pickup yeah Maybe a bowl the kettle pour it on the ground Yeah that's a good idea That's a good idea How deep do you need to go though I suppose you just have to keep

Just a poem and a couple of tears Wouldn't overthink it Yeah I think you want to go pretty deep But also, because we're going to get the garden done. We've got to choose a bit where it's not going to get dug up in the next six months. Are you having work done? Not a huge amount, but we're having the beds done and stuff. Yeah, because you don't want it to go.

You don't want it to go too shallow and then a fox gets it. Exactly. Because they will. Yeah. So we've got to, oh, God, the whole thing's stressful. Could you just pretend you've buried it and just put it in the bin? No. No, okay.

So, yeah. I wouldn't, I wouldn't, that someone else said to me there's an idea, that's not, it's good to rule that out, yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's not my idea, but that's what I imagine a really horrible person might suggest. I don't, I thought, I, we discussed this, Rob, that I am more affected by the deaths of pets than I should be,

and maybe you're less affected by the deaths of pets than you should be. Yeah, I think sometimes, I don't feel like I am, especially a hamster. I mean, dog and cats different, isn't it? But hamster's like, I still feel it. I still feel it. still feel it it's bad so even you and it's not your hamster it was like the daughter wanted it and you yeah i feel it's so far and sweet so what are you gonna get another one or are you that done now

well we currently in short talks about that you've got to get one for the place i've got one mate they're so good what do you mean it's they're hand reared i've told you about this oh yeah yeah and they're massive and dose on sitting your shoulder like a parrot yeah that does sound good Yeah, why do you think you get so upset by it? Well, I mean, I'd be upset if my daughter was upset. No, to be honest, I'm more upset than my daughter. Oh, really? Well, she was all right to start with, but my son was hit that

because he then started thinking about us dying. Yeah, but then that's what pets are good for. They make kids realize you will die. And then he's like, are you going to die? And then he said, I don't want to be left in this house with no one to look after me. Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God. Yeah.

that is awful yeah that's horrible that's grim fucking hell yeah glad I've logged on that's why I'm race back to tell you that yeah thank God we got that on the airway so thank God we've recorded and edited that

and put that in the world forever yeah do you know what that's that's like that's like hamsters will die oh chip I have done some DIY Rob oh go on correct this so

because I'm building a room to do podcasts in, right? How have you had time, though? You've been very busy. Well, at home, I've been sticking, um, doing the ceiling of the podcast room, the soon-to-be podcast room, Rob. Okay. And I, so I've soundproofed the ceiling with tiles. Oh, hello.

Which I had to cut round. Yeah. Yeah. Can you see them? Oh, hello. Did you do that yourself? Yeah. That looks like the roof of a 1960s office block and I love it.

I know it does look like, um, it does look like, um, it, It does look quite depressing, doesn't it? That's all soundproofed. That's the soundproof. And you can cut around the fire alarm. And they even cut around the fire thing, yeah. Oh, damn, Josh. I know.

And one side, if you look on the first picture, I had to trim some down on one side. That's very good. We should put that on Instagram and get reviews from the tradespeople. Yeah, I was very impressed with that. Doesn't it like some a bit lower than others, though? They're not, it's not flush, is it? Well, no, no, they're slightly, it's not that they're lower. It's that they aren't lined up as much.

because the wall is not, it's a Georgian lines that it's not totally. Famously, the Georgians, they don't give a shit about soundproof it, did they? They didn't know. They didn't know what was coming. They didn't know what was going to happen to this beautiful building. Exactly. The man was going to have to soundproof it so everyone could hear about the death of his hamster in clear. But you're not even in that room at the moment, I.

That's getting ready for the room. That's getting ready. That's getting ready for the big, you know, maybe when we got some big plans for this podcast, drop. You're very much ahead of me in that stage. I've done nothing. I need to sort out a room that's better. I'm getting the tiles sent across. You're sending me the soundproof tiles. Yes, you are. Yeah, so it's exciting times. It is exciting. Well done, Josh. Good work. How has parenting been for you this week? Parenting me for this week. This week, I've been so busy. This week I've done

five gigs, two TV shows, three TV shows, two podcasts. Oh my God. And I've not seen my children. It's really bad. I'm really missing them, actually. It's shit, isn't it?

But I do have some other things that have sort of happened. I haven't had a nice time on Catsdale's countdown or something. I've changed my underwear. Sorry, what? I've I've been a Calvin Yeah, I've been a Calvin Klein

Boxer Brief guy The supportive boxer Yeah, so, but I've got big thighs So ones that go a bit longer Not the little ones that cut in You know, like I think it's called box Not Boxer Brief or boxers Right, okay yeah

Yeah, but Tywin Clines The classic Calvin Klein's 19908, let's enjoy us Yeah, my groin is 1998 Yeah, yeah I've been having them for years And do you know, I've been starting Picking them out of my thigh a little bit and a bit uncomfortable.

And then he went, a friend of mine, I'm going to name him, Andy. My Andy said to me, he went, because he was a Calvin Klein boy, and he went, I've changed pantsop and it's changed my life. And I was like, well, yeah. And he went under all, under, they're called Under Armour. Yeah, yeah. What the, um, sports brand. Sports brand, Under Armour Performance Boxer Jock.

I think they're called a Boxer Jockey. I'm out on the word Jock. I'm sorry. No, jockey. Under Armourmer. Performance. Right. And they're not paying...

This is not an advert. This is not like a sneaky... Don't worry about that, Rob, because it's not going to add to sales. Mate, the amount of men watching this have probably got smelly, sweaty arces, and their pants are too tight. They look too tight.

They look awful. No, you're... You've got yours like a fucking broke tent in a gale such... Yeah. Actually, do I ever get them cut in? No. No, but that's because you've got your little skinny little

hobbit legs, mate. Not got big old, big berth of fires like me. Sorry, why are you going with a tight brief? Because it stretches and it's got this like material that's like, oh, you might as well just wear a Y front. No, oh, gosh, that's disgusting. I'm telling you now, they are so thin. I'm not sweating in them at all.

Under Armour, Performance Tech Mesh boxer. No, no, no. They're outright. Get a pair of trouble. And they're no way. They're amazing. They're so soft. You don't even know you've got them all.

Josh, can I tell you something? Now, this is one a bit disgusting. in every single tour show for the last 15 years of my life I have to come off stage at the interval do you know what the first thing I do is change your pants no I go in and wipe the sweat out of my ass what thank you there one do you change tour manager every tour do you know what I've been up to now I was I started into plummeting pat no just looking at your phone on TikTok for an extra 30 seconds there is no sweat I used to think my asshole was a problem it wasn't it was the pants.

Well, so just get a breathable... Which I have, TechMesh, performance. Let me talk to you about the Sunspell boxer. No, they're too much. It's not having a loose dough. What I've got is a fitted mattress sheet. What you have is not fitted bed sheet. You're not a mattress.

You're a dick and anus. I'm mainly thigh. You're mainly thither. Michael, what do you wear? Can I talk in defence of the Sunspell pants? Look, Google Sunspell pants, Rob. Don't they get caught up in, like, up your thigh and caught in, like you're picking them out your corner of your leg? So the Sunspell box are shorts.

I think we've just got different bodies. I think we have and that's fine. Yeah, so you need Sunspell. This works. Michael, I tell you, Michael is going to love these. He might recognise the Sunspell, Rob. Why is that? And these couldn't appeal to me more.

Do you remember a advert in the old... The 25 quid per pant? Yeah, I know. It's the best money I've ever spent. Fair enough. Yeah. The stretchy ones are the baggy ones? The baggy ones.

Oh, no, they're old grandad. Your bollocks hanging out in them. They're not. How long do you think my bollocks are? Yeah, but you've got... I think my thighs are too thick to deal with those. So those, I'd have to get really big around the waist because the bottom bit won't stretch.

I see. That's my problem. You'll be tight and dig in. I thought about going to come on. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Because then I'd, I'd worry that I'd sweat through the trouser. I need buffer, as we've discussed. Have you thought about just strapping sponges around your anus and penis?

I've thought about it. I've got a liposuction on my inner thigh. I've thought about that because whatever I do, it's either massive and soft or massive and hard. You've got childbearing hips. And whatever I do at the gym, the legs just go rock hard or soft. They don't get smaller. Right, I see, I see. Can we go back to Michael quickly

Because he was one of the Calvin Klein boys Like me and Andy What's your vibe now, Michael? Yeah, historically I've always been Calvin Klein Mostly because of the film Back to the Future Well, that's why I'm Sonspelled Do you know what I'm Sonspell?

Why? Because of Dad's Army Is it a make of ten But no No, do you know the Levi's that? advert where he goes into the laundrette and all his clothes in the washing machine. That's, that, that is, some spell provided those pants. That is the famous pants.

Right. They've got a filmic history. Anyway, carry on multi-McFly. I've forwarded on the pants I've bought to Michael and I think he should buy the same and report back. Michael, why don't you buy some of each and have a lovely day? I think that, do you know what, you can take it out the business, buy one pair of each, and spend the daily.

Yes, that's a great idea. Okay. I genuinely, I'm willing to do this. I'm going to do two separate days in both for two reasons. I think your body shape is more similar to Rob's than mine. I've definitely got quite, let's call them powerful thighs. You have got powerful thighs. I suspect we have similar issues in that sense.

Yeah, absolutely. So I wear two different types of boxer shorts. I had been historically Calvin Klein, no, Calvin Klein for everything. but I think I'd had similar issues with Rob in that if you do any kind of exercise or sport. It's the 21st century, so no one wears them anymore. All right, fucking Levi's from the 90s. Looking around listening to Babylon Zoo, Space Man,

buying your new pants. I do wear Levi's as well, actually. So I now wear, instead of the Calvin Clown, I wear Tom Ford for like day-to-day. Oh, fuck it. Don't take that out of the business. No, thank you. I'm not financing that.

Yeah, back in Wayfair, Minge. I was brought them as a gift, and once you've gone, once you've gone there, it's very difficult to then go back. It's like turning left on the plane, isn't it? You can never go right again.

Yeah, once you've, yeah. Once your helmets tasted that thread count, it's game over. You get that in bedding, don't you? Like, bedding's the same. Once you've had good bedding, it's difficult to go. Right, so your day-to-day's Tom Ford. Jesus, God.

Yeah, but then if I play sport, if I play football, I do most weeks twice a week. That's it. You cannot wear Calvin Klein's or a nice proxy short for that. So I was recommended Lulu Lemons by someone, which I think probably are very similar to the under armour in that whatever science happens in there, I finish football, drier, having sweated, than when I start football in that.

I don't know what happens. It's new technology. I can't be using chat GPT, but still be wearing the same pants that I've worn for 20 years. Everything's got to move on. Do you what I mean? So, Michael, I think I'd love for you to do the test, Sunspill and the... But then there's a secondary test. He needs to wear him again washed, because you've always got to judge your pants on the second wash.

Right, yeah, yeah. Because they can shrinkage and stuff like that. How often do you wash jeans? Have we discussed this? I think we may have, but not very often. I don't really wear jeans that much anymore. What I know is you dress like you're on stage when you're traveling. Yes, I do.

You have a same outfit all the time. time really, don't you? No, I don't. No. I, so this is what I've started doing. I started last night, Rob. God. And you'll like this. Will I? I got a pair of brand new trainers. Yeah. And I gave them to my tour manager and I said, take these around with the tour and I can just wear them every night so I've got clean trainers on stage. Yeah, good idea. Very good decision. Yeah. I wouldn't wear this t-shirt on this. This is a travel t-shirt. Okay. But I would wear this jacket. Yeah. But I don't feel you travel like I once saw Kerry Cotoner on a flight

and she was in like a full track suit and that's how you travel like Tragedona going to Marlbaia. Yeah and do you know what it's so comfy yeah I bet it is but you can feel comfortable wearing a full track suit you didn't too much to Elton John if you were a full track suit

yeah got Elton John's had some good work must have been Kim Kardashian's mum's surgeon was it? Chris Jenner I fuck that up That joke would have worked if I knew what her name was. If I was fucking added too much in that set up, pathetic, have a day off of. Yeah, so to be fair, parenting-wise, I've been added to, I realised I wasn't on the kids' new school year WhatsApp groups.

I thought it had gone a bit quiet, but they'd set up a new one and not included me. Oh, my God. Why? Because, at the moment, never there. I mean, it's pointless anyway. But it's quite intense back and forth. Is it? Well, yeah, there's a lot.

A lot goes into it. and a lot of people chipping in with like little bits of banter when all it is is this is what they need to do this week oh thanks so and so but they'll chuck in a little joke sometimes about politics or about the school politics feels a real gamble on a school what no one wants that no there was what there was a one where um it said was it oh this the school like it's math's week or something so the kids can wear a number at school that day and then everyone was saying oh can it be like does it have to be like a badge or an accessory you have a number on it or could it be a football kit with you know the number on the back you know because it makes a difference between like a badge and an entire outfit if they're going into school and stuff like that

The joke was, I don't mind saying it. This is more ambiguous than Rachel Reeves plans the budget, which I think that's sort of fine, but he said he called her Rachel Thieves. Oh, no, oh no. Whereas like, the throwaway joke of the budget is fine, but Thieves is like, oh, let's not have sides here. Can we just find out what my child needs to wear to school this week?

Also, I do think whatever side of the political argument you're, the moment you're coming up with a lame nickname for someone you've lost. Yeah, I just think this is Rachel Thieves. It makes you want to vomit, yeah, it's a bit like people that are like, Liz Truss, the lettuce, you know, oh, fuck off. I know. Yeah, so either side, whatever side do you might,

whereas if actually that works pretty well, if you just go and be good of some Rachel Reeves' budget, it's like, oh yeah, because that is in the news. We can all know that we don't know what's going to happen. Some of us might use it. Yeah. some of us might open the show with it in Coventry

so it sounds a bit like oh I'm not sure about the palm but it's a bold move can I'm ask you on this at what point and I think this is a difficult one are you saving a parent's number because I don't want to be saving

like I don't want to be so many numbers on my phone I think playday or birthday parties is when you save it but then you just sort of find it on the group but it must be hard because I've never, you've done it. I've never changed the kids' schools, right? So it must be very difficult to go into a new WhatsApp group

and be like, hi, guys, I'm this person. And then knowing what the chat is or what the banter is or who's friends with who. You have to sit back. You have to sit back. 100%. You're a batsman who's come out to bat. He just needs to bat out and over to feel the pitch. Just 100%.

Because no one's... Can't come out swinging. No one's looking at the WhatsApp figure and, you know, whatever their name is. um jason's mom's not done any laughy smiling faces any of the messages yet exactly you know no one's waiting for it so you just don't have to i am still in rob the old WhatsApp group from the previous school now that i think that's odd i've archived it yeah but you why are you still there because i just i'm friends with the people there i thought it's too big a deal to just go goodbye oh huge deal absolutely huge deal to leave a WhatsApp group that sends information about a school

your kid's not in, you weirdo. I've now gone into the archive, and I'm reading these messages that I haven't read about Christmas card day. Josh, I don't even want to be in the one that my kid's in. Why are you in one that's a different school? You're not very good at letting go, are you? I'm not very good at letting go. You are no shit.

Crying over chip. I'm not going to dig a hole for hamster. Through tears. Yeah, you're not good at saying goodbye, are you? No. Why is that, do you think? Because I hate time going through my fingers like sand. Are you sucking them in?

Oh, it's a cinnamon thing. I've got a really sore throat. I shout too much on stage and it's a problem. And I've had, if I do too many gigs in a row, my throat is absolutely savage. You're right. Okay, no, I just wanted, because I could hear something clinking around in your mouth.

Sorry. It's right. Sorry, I think it's better to reference it than just the listener. My throat is in straight. So why are you so scared about saying goodbye? Let's talk about this. Well, because I don't want to die. No, no one wants to die, do they?

No, but obviously I feel it stronger than you. I think you'll be fine. Well, no, you know, I don't know. The dying's are fine, but you just want other people to die. If you're dead, you're gone. I was having this discussion with Matthew Crosby on Friday that I'm not, whether I'm not scared of nuclear war. Because if everyone dies,

I'm fine with it. Yeah. It's the FOMO I don't like. Have everyone else carrying on without me? Right. Okay. If the world all blew up tomorrow. Yeah.

So be it. Right. Okay. I'm all right with that for some reason. But you're not okay with leaving a WhatsApp group from an old school. No. Because you've made the effort to archive it, where it would have been just as quick to go,

bye, guys, leave. Yeah, but it's more of a statement, isn't it, to say bye and leave? Or just leave, then? Well, it'd be weird to leave now because it shouldn't announce it on WhatsApp when you leave. I think that is a really weird feature. Well, no, it's just, it's not real. So I've got a WhatsApp group back at my tour. And then when I was in Australia, they added the Australian tour manager in and he was chipping in and out.

And then when I got back, I just kicked him out the group. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, is that okay? Yeah, but like... So would it be better if someone kicked you out of the group? No, well, it's fine. It's archived. I can't even see it.

Apart from occasionally when I think, I wonder if they're still worrying about the the lunch is not being eaten enough by the kids. Oh, I'll just go have a look. Or do you wonder... Oh, who's going to host the next quiz? Is it going to be better than me? That did come up. So hang on, if it's archive, why are you reading it?

Because you just brought it up and I thought, I wonder how many messages I've missed. I went and clicked on it. Oh, so you saw it just then? Yeah. Oh, that's convenient, isn't it? You managed in that time to read the one about the quiz and you haven't been actually looking at them.

It's because the one about the quiz was a picture of the quiz flyer. Right. Okay, fair enough. Yeah, yeah. Where else you've got archived their ex-relationships? Do you want me to take you through my archives? Cancel TV shows? No, I don't archive them because no one posts in them.

Also, I haven't got enough memory. I've got a stag do that I went to the first night of or not the second, and I thought it would be, so I just archived it when I left on the first night. Right. The nursery from London. Okay. The Dad's Book Club from Clapton that I went to. twice and then left.

To be fair, I do have loads of mad groups that I'm still in, but I've archived where you just do that rather and leave? Yeah. I've blocked people. An old Glastonbury group, some kind of Halloween group. I've got a message here from someone up blocks.

It says, pathetic, mate. I'm just going to use someone else now. It's that? Commissioner of BBC, I think. I don't know. I think they might have had the wrong number and they're messaging like a builder or something. that you think's ignoring them.

Yeah, fine, yeah. Do write in if you've got some good archived groups. Michael, what are you got? That's a lot of pressure on Michael. Archive I mostly use for chats that I'm sort of ignoring. Yeah, because if you leave, it's more of a statement. So have you got archived? So I had a group, right?

I've still got a group. Because I think you should be leaving the school one, but you should be archiving ones like the current school. so if you're the current school you've got the information one and there's a dad's meet up and drink one that you don't have been involved in you need to stay in that one

to show save face but archive it so you don't get distracted whereas the old school one you need to be leaving yes because it's weird that you're lurking I don't need it's weird I think it's weird

if a kid my kid's school and the parents were still on the group I'd find that's weird that's lurky they can kick me out they're more than welcome to I have more than welcome to

okay yeah now if they actually heard this and did you'd be upset yeah well i wouldn't know because it's archived you'll check next week oh definitely will now after this chat sorry michael what she's saying i use it for stuff that i don't want to address immediately so for instance oh my word there's a five aside what's that group and people are seeing who's available to play if i know i'm not playing that week

i'll just pop that into the archive otherwise it's getting pumped full of messages all day long you're bringing them in and out of an archive because for me archive there's no coming back from archive for me. So you're using it as a squad rotation system, Michael. Yeah. Yeah. And also, I have read receipts turned off because I don't like people know my business. Yeah. But if you're in a group, you can't do that. So what I don't want is someone who I'm ignoring, replying on a solo one, me accidentally opening a group that he's in and they go, well, he's double-tick that one. He's not got back to me, the prick. So I'll sort of, for the safety of not the accidental click. Do you know what? Here's a thing.

The worst is when you text someone and they don't reply to you and you can see they're active in a WhatsApp group and then, like, messaging in a WhatsApp group. That makes me so angry. I can see you're on your phone. Do you ever say that in the group? No. No.

Bottle it up. I think your new resolution should be just calling people out. When you feel the anger, just call them on it. Okay, yeah, fine, I will. Would that cause you stress or would you find that liberating? Both. Okay. That's true progress, isn't it?

that is true progress that's what david bowie said about you know about creativity you want to be out somewhere where you're in the sea but your feet don't quite touch the bottom but you're not too deep you're not too shallow exactly exactly um and that's what i want to see more from you next year okay okay well that's good i've got do you want to know maybe i'll try and do that a bit more oh god um i'm just looking for my notes you ready for this go on i've got some more parenting oh please we've got vietnam it's basically about my bollocks chips bollocks and all you What's that bollets? Yeah.

Do you know what? That's an old one. I don't remember what those notes are. Oh, yeah. I wanted to ask you about this, Rob. It's not parenting. Is that a problem? No, it's fine.

We can only talk about what we can talk about, Josh. We're just at a busy period. Yeah. Wedgys at school. Okay. I wanted to ask if this is an national thing or if it was just my school. Go on. Because I remembered it.

And then I thought, I wonder if other people did that. So we had two levels of wedgy. Okay. Did you used to do. wedgies it's on the pants topic actually not really not no not like sort of bart simpson eat white shorts man kind of wedgy vibes it was more just you'd beat some that people just get beaten up so there was right there was a trend for wedgies in school no we do peanut in what's peanut where you pull their tie really tight oh yeah yeah yeah and then it goes to a tiny little peanut yeah that's so

annoying yeah that happened a lot yeah yeah that happened a lot so you i wanted to know whether atomic wedgies had left my school. Is that when they pull your pants over your head? No, it's where people would put coins down people's pants and then give them a wedgy. No, that is, that's sexual assault. It basically is. And then occasionally hang them on a door while giving them an atomic wedge. Oh, no, that's quite hard.

That, yeah. Yeah. So I just, I just thought about atomic wedge. I've never heard of the, I thought atomic wedge was when you pulled it over. Over the head, like, and you put it over the, yeah. No, shoulders. I didn't see many of them. I saw a man, a man, a boy at school, set a girl's hair on fire in a lunch,

I saw someone be put in a bin and he got stuck and only his legs were out. That was so humiliating, look that little turtle. Yeah, I saw someone being putting a bin and rolled down a hill. Oh, it's awful. It's really funny, isn't it, if you sort of, you know, completely remove yourself from the psychological abuse. You just close off all emotions. Yeah, yeah. I'd then put them on a hamster 30 years later, that's far.

Yeah. So, no, I've never heard that an atomic wedgy. Oh, we are asking parents for our ice skating party to help get boots on. Lou, voice memos to thank me for this. Yes, well, she just to thank me, actually. I've, I messaged it back to her from you. Well, do you want to hear the voice memo? Yeah, she slag off. She shaved my back the other day, thank God. She shaved your back. Did we not get any people giving it off a double accent? I know, Josh, I haven't got time, and they'll talk a good game. They cannot remove this for their hair.

The waxers, not the lazers, the waxes. I'm not getting it waxed. I'd have it laced or, I'm not going somewhere, so it waxed every couple of weeks. No, I don't want somebody in my house warming up hot wax to rub it all over my back and rip it off. That's some sort of sex matter. I'll just get my wife to share you in the garden. Just she me in the garden and like a little sheep. Is it just the back?

It's not the front as well. The front gets hairy. That needs a bit of work as well, but I can do that. But then I can't do, I struggle when it's like above the nipple. Okay, yeah. Because I can't see. So she will do that top being shoulders in the back. Oh, my God.

I know. It's horrible. It's disgusting, but that's what I am. Were you married before it started? I had a bit of back hair, but obviously it's really pumped along in the last 10. Yeah, yeah. Of course. Big time.

Fair enough. Yeah. Have you got the voice memo? What does she say? She's done so much solo parent. Afternoon, I just wanted to send a quick preemptive thank you for the ice skating tips because I don't know what kind of crack I was on that day, but it hadn't occurred to me to trying to get 18 children's ice skating boots on.

I was going to make me want to gouge my own eyes out. So I'm going to message all the parents and ask them to stay. at least until they've got their boots on and then throw in the offer of teas and coffees for anyone that wants to stand on the edge or maybe mystery prizes for any adults I can coerce onto the ice. Here we go. Before you know it, you've got 18 adults on the ice.

I'm thinking. That's the answer, isn't it? But, yeah, I think we're going to be all right on penguins, though, because it's a temporary ice rink. It's 15-year-olds who don't care. Fair enough. They're going to wing out penguins with abandon. She says, she hopes. Quite a loose penguin policy.

Yeah, thank you for that. Really, really, really useful. That's the first time I've ever done anything useful, Rob. That's the first time I've ever done anything useful. Yeah, and that was brilliant. So thank you. You're going to make a young girl's birthday even better. Yeah.

Well, how many parents do you think will stay? To be fair, I think they'll come and help get the boots on and then go off. Yeah. Because there's places to go shopping and get a drink. So it's quite a good little, it's not a bad little. As birthday parties go, the setup of it is pretty good for a parent to drop off, there's places to go and hang out

or they can stay and watch, or they can do some shopping. Just before Christmas, yes please. Back home by midday, Bosch. This Giving Tuesday, Cam H is counting on your support. Together, we can forge a better path for mental health by creating a future where Canadians can get the help they need when they need it, no matter who or where they are. From November 25th to December 2nd,

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Oh, that's not even entered my brain. Right. Okay. Lou's taking the lead. Yeah. Doing basically all of it. What you're buying Lou. Or do without saying it.

Have you thought about it? Well, we're not going to do proper presents because we're going to have a holiday. So that's going to be the present to each other rather than just buying a load of stuff that we're not really sure each other's like. So we're going to have a holiday next year. That's going to be our sort of presents. That's your present. But we did say we're going to get one present each for each other.

I do have an idea of what it is. But if I tell you, she'll hear. Yeah, yeah. So how do we do this? Don't tell me. I try tell you and we'll bleep it out and then you can react. Yeah. It's the long.

bleep ever. I thought it's not my fault vibrators these days. I've got really long names. So, beep this out, Michael. I mean, I don't know if this is good podcasting or not. But I think she might like that. And what does it do? It just sort of...

Oh, you can't say? Well, yeah. I quite fancy that myself. I might buy one now, Rob. Yeah, so I think she'll like that. I think it's a good thing to get. Yeah, that is good. That is good.

Are you going to get the double-ended one or just a... I think that it's self-lobes is a genuine step forward. Absolutely. Yeah. And what about you? Have you done yours? Have you got your sorted off? I've sent to Rose what I'd like.

Okay. Just some small things. Yes. Like clothes? Wellies. Oh, wellies. You want wellies? I want wellies.

Really? Country size for now. Yeah. What kind of what do you want? I quite want walking boots. they're not wellies no I know this was a separate thing oh okay cool so like

do you want some advice from a country boy yeah yeah you must have some wellies yeah so I got I used to just have the cheap ones you know like the cheap ones at the front of a garden centre yeah yeah

I did then you got some with some little frog's eyes on the front I because there's hunters are like the sort of ones that are a bit more famous like festivals weren't they yeah yeah they're a bit voguey

for my taste so I've got these I think like these they're a little bit sort of um have you got fur inside no that i haven't but i would have them if they did them but i got these free when i did a rob and romish shoot we needed a big like posh wellies for some we would do clay pigeon shooting and it's le le le lec h a m ea u and they're like fancy wellies and they're like expensive very expensive but nice posh bellies le chameau I think they're French

but they are really comfy because sometimes wellies can be all sweating horrible but oh look at them yeah how often do you wear your wellies Rob in the winter quite a lot actually if I'm just going out and going

yeah doing the bins but I'm more wear the walking boots to be fair if I'm going for a long walk yeah yeah yeah wellies are good if you're going in the garden or whatever but for a long walk I'd get some maybe some hokers they're pretty good H-O-K-A

the problem I get with asking for something for Christmas that I need is I'm essentially saying this thing I could just that I should just buy because I need wellies I mean I'm basically saying

well I won't have that for December well that's the thing that's the reason why we don't really sort of do presents anymore it's just like well it's like it's a middle age thing

isn't it? Yeah it's just like am I just thinking of something that I don't really need because the main the truth is the main thing we need at this age

is a bit of time on our own or a bit of just chill out time you can't You can't unwrap that, can you? Can't bloody unwrap time? You can't bloody unwrap time, can you? Tell Chip. Oh, my God.

Sorry, sorry to bring it down again. Can we dedicate the episode to him, Michael? He'd love it. How do you dedicate an episode in... Yeah, you can't have a clip of them. Because normally you need it all black and white and silent and says in memory of... Yeah, minutes. Maybe we could have the last post.

Sorry, God. This episode was in memory of Chip the Hamster who lived from 2003, 2020 to 2020. Currently still in the freezer. What's that used for in the last post? Dead. It's like on Remembrance Day, isn't it? Yes, on the horn. Got you.

Yeah. Yeah, well, that's a chip everyone. Yeah. I should. I should have faded that out, really. But it was quite abrupt stop. I liked it. Right. Do you want to do some small business, yeah? Yeah.

Hi, Josh. I'm really hoping this reaches you. It did. Oh, you've got an in-person one. I've got an in-person one. By the way, someone made me a lovely hoodie with their Plymouth Argyle shirts embroidered on the front. And you'd already got one from them with Arsenal shirts, maybe, or something on the front. Yeah, a little jumper, yeah.

Yeah, and they, in the left-in, in Stockton, they said what an amazing, loads of people have bought stuff. Oh, brilliant. I have the small business. So thank you to our listeners for continuing to support these people. Yeah, well done, guys. Because it doesn't work unless you guys all buy something or order. So, well done.

I've handmade a couple of Christmas crowns for your two kiddos. They're great, these Christmas crowns. So they're like nice kind of, not knitted, like sewn and stuffed crowns for Christmas. I thought you might like the chance of getting a sneaky small biz shout out by bypassing Michael. Sorry, Michael. Do you get angry when that happens, Michael? Like if someone contacts me and I have to tell my agent. No, not at all.

He couldn't give a shit, mate. He's sat there in Tom Fould Pants in New York living in the life of Riley. I'm going to do slightly less. My biz is Cornish homemade. That's the name of it, one word. And it all started as a way of therapeutic relief when my dad was very ill with cancer in 2016. It's been a labor of love, but I make free motion embroidered decorations, pictures, and celebration crowns. I would be so thrilled if you give my biz a little mention,

but no worries if not, too late. I really hope your kiddos love the crowns, and you and your family have a blessed Christmas love from Lucy Leach, Cornish-Homemaid. Etsy.com. Nice. Homemade. Etsy.com. They're lovely crowns in lovely colors. Homemade, Cornish Homemade at Etsy.com. Right, I've got one here. Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael.

I'd like to give a small business shout out to my very talented friend, Sarah. She runs a business called Framlings that makes amazing keepsakes. She uses polymer clay. Is that right? Polymer. Yeah, I think it is.

I think it is. Polymers. P-L-Y-M-E-R. Polymer clay. Polymers. his wife, isn't it? Polymer clay to make little heads that look like your loved ones, family friends, pets, you name it, she makes it. You can turn the little heads into frames, key rings, wine charms, cake toppers, anything you can think of. She's so talented and I'm so

proud of her. Check out her Instagram on framlings as F-R-A-M-E-L-I-N-G-S and find her on Etsy as framlings. Thank you very much. Susie from Starrington, West Sussex. So have I got framlings. Oh, they're cool, aren't they? They look a bit like, a little bit like they've made cartoon characters of your family. Oh, here we go.

So they can do a whole picture of, like, the family in a little frame. Oh, really nice. Two great small businesses, go out and support them. Rob, I'll see you. She could do one for Chip. Rob, it's. It's been a pleasure.

Oh, I loved it. See you next week. This is dedicated to Chip the hamster. He passed away this week with a giant bollock. He's soon to be buried. He's currently lying next to fish fingers. He's lying in state at the moment. That's what they call it.

Everyone queuing up. During Hell fans, queuing up to see him. I couldn't believe. I wondered why Philip Schofield was in my kitchen. Thank you.