Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S11 EP38: Cat Urine Covered Coat

Episode Date: December 23, 2025

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Visit unsmoke.ca. Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Widdickham. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week you'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping.

And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice, and of course, tales of parenting woe. Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times where none. of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Can you say Rob Beckett? What about it? And can you say Josh Whittickon? Josh Heaven.

Say it again. Come here. Say Josh Whittickham. Josh Winding. Can you say producer Michael? No. Joe's my dog And what's your name?

My family's five And how old are you? Five You're not five How old are you? Shit No, you're not How old are you?

You can't see you're not five You're three Three Yeah Bye bye That's a great one All of Famer Look at

But did he say shit No he said six He said like shit to I think This is my three-year-old nephew attempting your names is Josh Whitacom almost sounds like Josh reindeer which is quite festive. Let's not push it.

He only just started talking properly. I think she's misspelled Whittickham so let's not throw you know. That's absolutely fucking mess up there where are they, Newcastle? Presumably by the voice. They're still reeling from the defeat last week. I've been waiting to send this in for ages. I'm a huge fan listening to the car and my 11 year old stepdaughter says are you listening

to your sweary podcast again? She sounds like a fucking snowflake that kid. That woke idiot. I don't know what we're doing it Not sure why he's lying about his age Assign the things to come maybe Bet you can't guess where we're from From our broad Yorkshire accents

But it's Leeds Leeds, oh I thought There's a twang of Norface there Yeah Keep it's sex and relatable Very tired Oh tell me about it Oh my God

CBA You read the word tired Then you yawned No I was thinking At the start of this record Because we've just done an interview And you, with an interview You don't get hit by the tiredness

I are fucking knackard I did the last like New Year's show last night Oh, happy New Year I know Can you believe I got in the car back at 1202 At midnight Yeah

And then where are you in London still I've just done a thing for Ladd Bible You've worked already today I've worked already today We started at 10am Yeah I'd already done a video Where I ate eight different snacks for Ladbibal What time was that?

9am Is it that against your EU human rights law Where you should be 12 hour gap between jobs Yes, but I am my own employer and I know I'm not going to sue myself That's the last thing you need, how busy you are Yeah, yeah, exactly I was absolutely exhausted yesterday

We're coming to reasons why Because it was another birthday trip out I was so tired on the train home from London With my two daughters And then three of my youngest daughter's friends And I was trapped in the corner Of a six person seat on South Eastern And they were just screaming and shouting at me

It was busy And I was so tired, I felt like You know when your phone gets to zero percent Yeah And it just goes, doom. Yeah. And goes to blackness on the phone.

I actually thought that was going to happen to me. And then we got home and my head went, I was just like, I've got nothing here. And it was her birthday this morning, my daughter, at 8.30, I put the kids to bed. And I went to Lou,

I have to go to bed. Do you know what, Rob? And we're going to talk about elves now. Yeah. So word of warning, if you're listening with your... Yeah. I'm in the position of the moment

where I'm just like, I want to go to sleep where my kids go to sleep because that's where I am tiredness-wise. Yeah. But I have to stay up because I have to oversee the elves. The worst-case scenario. So I'm putting my daughter to sleep,

waiting for her to go to sleep, thinking, I'm so desperate to sleep. But then you've got to do elf. I've got to do this fucking elf. Also, Rose has been doing more of them because you've been away as well. So she's doing the larger shift of the elves. I'm having to text Lou at R-11

driving back from Nottingham elf, elf, elf. I know. But then I've done a couple. I've done most of them actually because when I'm... And you're doing two a go, two a go, one inch? That's insane. I reckon I've done 70% of the elves, but when I'm not, their rose does them.

If they're not tag teams, are they doing separate things each night? They're doing separate things. That is a mental decision. I did one where he was hanging, you know, the rope. Around his neck. No, it wasn't. From a dressing gown. Yeah.

So I hung him from the banister above the stairs, like he was almost hanging below a helicopter. with his arm. Yeah. But Rose said it was too dark because it did just look like I'd hung an elf. Right. So it was his hand, not his, yeah. Yeah, but it did just look like I've murdered the elf.

Oh, can I tell you about a disaster I had? Can I pick up Lou quickly first? Why, are you in the dog house? Absolutely not in dog house, but I was so tired. And she said, just go to bed, you need sleep. And then she, like, tidied the whole house. She put out all the presents for my daughter, decorated for her birthday of balloons, wrapped all the, I did actually nothing.

because I literally couldn't function and I went to sleep and I slept from 9pm till 6 a.m. when the kids woke me up, non-stop. So like 9, 10 hours sleep and I feel brand new. And Lou saved my week. So thank you, Lou. I appreciate you. Good on, Lou. Because we do slag off Rose and Lou,

but ultimately, without them, everything falls apart. Rose is catching up on the podcast. Oh, yeah. And she sent me something. You know, and you're just like, I don't even remember what I fucking said. Also, I want to pray, can I praise Rose as well while we're at it?

When we were recording the other day, and I don't know if it went into the show, the heating was on really high in your office for some reason because it was on full and it was overwhelming. Both of you looked like you were like to fix it. Okay, well, let's not get on to that. But as you went in, your head completely went. But Rose, what a calm presence. Yes, because she wasn't the one who had to sit in there for three hours.

But the initial reaction to it, she just was very calm. I was very impressed and she's very much a calm presence in the house sometimes I think you make no no let me finish let me finish I can only talk on what I've seen

and I think sometimes you lead me and the listeners to believe that maybe she's sort of as erratic as you but actually what a calm rock in the middle of a stormy ocean well let me give you a situation I solved and you wouldn't believe this

no but that's not what this is about this is about appreciating Rose in that moment not you offering up another moment where you've been great No, but I just thought you'd enjoy this story, Rob, because it's quite out of character for me. Okay. So, the other day, normal weekday, Rose, we're getting two big marble tables delivered. Right.

I don't know this, but it happens. You didn't know it was coming? No, of course not. Well, that's fine. Two marble tables. I'll be honest, at the time, I wish I hadn't been in, obviously. Why have you got two tables, like two dinner tables? No, no, coffee tables.

Got you? Yeah. And they are fucking heavy. Yeah, they are heavy bar. We've got a little one like that, and it's just mental. They are, this sounds like I'm making it up, but I'm not. 300 kilos each. Fuck off.

How big's your coffee cup? Well, there you go. So it's solid marble. It's not like a bit on the top with a frame. Jesus Christ. So. Fucking hell are you, Liberace. Right.

they weren't that expensive I'd say they were you weren't even paying a pound a kilo right wow okay yeah I mean I don't know how much are marbles get down there's your board it from the marble factory where you went to so anyway right

300 kilos yeah each each the guy's like phoned rose in advance and he's like I don't think you're going to get this out of the van just so you know he hasn't got like anything to carry

it just you would be carrying it as people no forklift but he's got it in on a forklift he's got it into the lor on a forklift. Yeah, because it's in a wooden box. You know, there's forklift boxes. Oh, God.

Yeah. And one is on top of the other, which doesn't help matters. 600 kilos. I'm no, I'm no Rachel Riley. Plus the boxes as well. They've got to be, what, five kilos each. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, you're looking at nearly three quarters of a ton.

Yeah, exactly, yeah. So he gets that. I'm saying to Rose, don't worry. It'll be panicking. Did she know it was heavy? Or just she was like, I'm a bit worried about this. I was like, honestly, these guys, they always get it in. It'll be fine.

It'll just be over-panicking. So he wasn't over-panicking. There was no fucking way that was moving for love nor money. Yeah. And he's got other deliveries. Yeah. Coming down from London to different parts of the Southwest that are blocked in by the tables.

Well, that's good because he needs to work, didn't he? But he can't obviously lift 300 kilos. No. Also, you'd have more of a chance if it was on the ground, not in a van, so you've got to take it down. Is it going to have to be tilted? to get through the door or will it get through? Well, no, because it's marble.

Well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. That needs to be a strong bridge. Yeah. We're like, what are we going to do? Do you know what I did, Rob? I couldn't believe this. Go on. I just googled forklift truck rental.

Exeter. Are you working this day or what's happening for you this day? I'd left a last leg Zoom. Right, but you were supposed to be working on a Zoom, but you've left to sort out the marble table delivery. But that went down while in the group chat. Where's the presenter gone? Just organising the marble coffee table delivery?

Why not? Why not? Why not? Why not? You've worked yourself to that position? Why not embrace the? So I phoned up someone. I was like, is there such a thing as an emergency forklift? Yes, there is, but this isn't it?

I don't know. Emergency forklift. This is an emergency forklift. Well, no, it's not an emergency, in the real term of emergency. It is to you. Yeah, I suppose an emergency would be someone's being crushed and you need a forklift to get it. That's an emergency forklift.

This is a, I really could do with one. Or an immediate forklift. Yeah, you need an immediate forklift. I had one within the hour, Rob. Really? I couldn't fucking believe it. Within an hour, a guy turned up with a small forklift truck. And how much was the guy for the hour?

Do you have him for an hour, the day? 200 quid. Which, to be honest. It's not bad for a forklift out of man. You know when you're like in a position where it actually felt like I was making money? Because the thought, like, you know when you're like, this could be anything. Also, great anecdote. And I've got to pay it.

If they say, this is £1,000, what can I do? Do you know what I mean? You'd have to send it back, wouldn't you? And then what happens to the tables? We'll have to get it redelivered. We wouldn't have got it. We'd have still had to pay for delivery. Like, that guy wouldn't have been able to do.

It's other deliveries a week. Well, really, though, the responsibility is, look, you've done a great job here, with the delivery guy because they are responsible from getting it off the truck to at least curbside delivery. Well, I don't know. I don't know. They got it on with a fault lift. How the fuck are they going to get it off without a forklift?

I don't know what was agreed. Do I? I think the rule of being delivered, what is not drive the lorry to the front of the house? No, but it might be. It might be. If it's one delivery driver, they might say we need people at the place to help us with it.

Because if it's one delivery, otherwise they... Do you know what? No, otherwise you have to pay for more delivery drivers. That's fucking shit, though. It's like me going... Why, you're getting angry about a hypothetical situation. Because I've had this before.

Well, it's like me doing a joke. I know, I might need someone to help me with a punchine at because it's quite a hard pun trying to do, so can we quickly workshop this when I delivered it? No, we've asked for a fucking joke, mate. Well, no, because you'd have to pay for an extra driver, wouldn't you? There's curbside delivery, so they can say we won't take it all the way into the house

because this is curbside delivery. There's not fucking on-lory delivery, is it? Well, no, but if they said, would you like to pay for extra? If you Google the types of deliveries. So it's, for instance, I've had it where it's like, do you want to get one man in a van and you help him or do you want to pay more for two men in a van?

Well, it depends on the other man, If it's you, no. If it's fucking Eddie Hall, the world's strongest man, get him in the van. Exactly. Topical reference. Thank you. Is it topical? No.

Wasn't he the world's strongest man years and years ago, Eddie? Yeah, he was. But he's still quite famous. Yeah, yeah, fair enough. And the world's strongest man is on over Christmas, so actually. It is a very topical reference. Brian Shaw, would that have been better? Don't know who that is.

Jeff Capes is surely the... Oh, yeah, that's the current one, isn't it? Yeah. No, but I mean, the most famous. Name a strong man, Jeff Cates. Eddie Hall's more famous than Jeff Capes now. The people that know about Jeff Capes are dying. is more famous.

How many fortunes, right? Name the top 10 world strongest men or top 10. I wouldn't have even been able to tell you who Eddie Hall was out of context. That's because you've not accepted any information in your brain since 2001. Who is Eddie Hall? The world strongest man and he's also famous online. Do you think there's a chance that the fact you did the world strongest man on Rob and Romish has skewed your knowledge of the common? And I met him, yeah.

Yeah, that might have skewed it slowly. Jeff Kate's. Michael, who have you heard of more? Jeff Capes. He's 45 or whatever he is. Obviously Jeff Capes, but I do know who Eddie Hall is. But you start with obviously Jeff Capes. But Rob, 45, there's a lot of people that are over 30.

Yeah. AI says, well, both are legends. Look, what happened with the marble? It worked. What was it called? Forklift. Oh, no. Sorry, I thought you're still talking about Jeff Capes and Eddie Hall then. It works.

Oh, sorry. Yeah, no. I mean AI. Oh, no, AI said Jeff Capes is more famous, but Eddie Hall's got a. big current fame from his 500k deadlift and social media. But perhaps less of the general public

know about him than capes because of his televised feats. It's a generation. I'll tell you what it is, Rob. It's the difference between a monocultural society that we used to live in and the fragmented society of today. Absolutely where there's sort of cult niche

legends in amongst the... Whereas me and you are very interested in John Bosch or the Ibitha Final Boss, my parents won't know who they are no exactly good reference what is fame oh yes deep question now what is fame what is fame it's just people being aware of you isn't it yeah yeah exactly it wasn't that deep if you've shown a picture of yourself or someone that was famous to people they'd go yeah no they are and if they don't then that's not famous that's what famous yes I bore an answer isn't

anyway yeah I though I just want to say it at one point I fucking hate you know when someone like comes up to you and goes My mate says you're famous, but I haven't heard of you. That is... So now I go, if someone comes up to me, it goes, apparently, it's normally in a bar or a restaurant, you're famous, I don't know who you are. Now I go, okay, no worries, you don't need to.

That's what I do, yeah. I'll say something like that's best for both of us or something like that. But I used to do a bit of a needily one, you know, like, or go, well, I've got no idea who you are either actually. But now I'm just totally, okay, acceptance and move on. It's no point. It's more their problem than mine.

So tell me about your daughter's birthday, Rob. No, what happened with a marble? You got it in with a forklift? Well, no. Because marble can be outside, thankfully. Because we're having the rooms done, but the marbles go, we were like, why are we moving it in there now? So you've just got marble in boxes in your garden? Yeah. You're not worried about burglars? Really strong burglars. Do you know what? Fair play to them.

Have it? Clap them off by pitch. Well done. Do you know what? They are more than fucking welcome to it. So you're going to have to get the forklift back to move them? No, I think now they're on. the ground, you could get eight strong builders could move that. And shuffle them along, yeah, but just to get them off. I was quite impressed that you can just order a floor lift-up. I do think

though, these delivery people should have had one of those little pump ones. I used to have one of worked at the supermarket. You know, they've got the two little sticks and they're through. You wouldn't be able to use it because it was so high up. Yeah, but it needs to be sent on a van that then you put it on and it lowers down. Yeah. That delivery

system is not fit for purpose. Well, look, you're not naming them or I'm telling you now, if your job is to deliver heavy shit and you haven't got a forklift or a little pump lift thing or a thing that lowers the ground level, then you're in the wrong game. I think I'm just more easy come, come, easy go than you, Rob. Do you know what? No, just some people need to tell, but they're not offering a good enough surface, actually, I think so. I just think life's easier if you just chill out and enjoy it. We're going back to that, you was quite relaxed and then you came up

with that plan when I said that Rose was calm about the heating. Is that why we started talking about that? Yeah, I was just giving an example. Tell me about your daughter's birthday. daughter's birthday I was knacker because this week I'd done not in them not in them but we drove there and back because I went and did Roman Day at my daughter's school where I did it a couple years ago for my eldest daughter you sit on a stool and you run like a sort of Roman market thing dressed as a Roman yeah so I got back at 1am same outfit or have you changed your outfit just a bit of bed sheet wrapped round me Toga yeah in this weather over my normal clothes indoor or outdoor indoor all right fine in the hall Toga wrapped around me I I'm physically there, but mentally, I'm not really engaging. Can a Roman have a coffee with them? Well, not until the Roman was told by the school teachers. It was break and there was coffees at the front.

Right, yeah, yeah. So you couldn't get your own. And are you playing a character? Are you like... No, it's very much an exhausted dad. And are any of the other parents going, you know, playing on an Italian accent and going... It's a Roman marketo.

Yeah, yeah. No, they weren't doing that. But there was a guy leading it who was like in character as like a Roman person. is that an educational day because it's happened two years in a row so do they do that every year roman day yeah sort of like they do it for the day and then they but these companies do like they'll do tudor ones they do victor so when you're learning about subject at the end of it you'll do a thing then there's those other games going on and he was teaching him out of march and it's not the whole school yeah because there was a day when i think it was like odd socks day or something for my daughter

but a different year everyone was dressed as a victorian i suddenly turned up at school and everyone was dressed as a Victorian, but I had no idea about this because it was a different year. So they do a little role play and stuff like that. With the other parents in that situation, you're like, oh, you know, or is it a laugh? No, it is a bit of a laugh, you know, because there's some ones you know a bit more and it was quite funny. It was good to watch the kids like interacting and stuff, but I did leave the hall thinking, thank fuck I've only got two kids and I don't ever have to do that again.

Oh, so once was the first daughter the next time. Oh, I see. Once you've volunteered at Roman Day twice. You don't want to go back for your hat trip. And is Lou's volunteering at Roman Day? Lou's volunteering at Roman Day. We were on separate stalls. Was she in a Toga as well?

Yeah, she's in a Toga, all right. No, she's got a bed sheet over her. Do you like it, Rob? She just had normal clothes on. When you went back to the house. I can still see her Adonola socks. We got put on this thing where the kids had to like mash up olives to get olive oil, pour it in a lamp, and then we had to put a wick in the lamp,

they were burning olive oil and the game was like how long could it burn for but i'm there i've got matches and a fire blanket i'm like this is dangerous here so me and lure on that seem very roman and there was like five of them at once doing it and then the idea was you had to keep mashing it and get them enough juice out of it so that uh whoever's burned the longest one right me and lew had kept no times and then they kept coming back going is that my one i was like oh no one's burned out how long was mine and we basically just told a collection of kids six or seven or eight minutes. Oh, that was seven minutes. That was six minutes. And then luckily one of the teacher's done it. And we was like, oh, no, she won. Actually, were nine minutes.

Well, the teacher. The teacher said, oh, can I have a go see what they're doing? So she did one. And then she did it quite well, obviously, because she's an adult. She's been mashing olives for years. Oh, yeah. She had oil everywhere. So we just lied. And so she's done it. Yeah. I was like, am I coming into this with the right spirit? Probably not. But, you know, there was corruption in ancient Rome as much as there is in the present day, Rob. Thank you. You're really on it today. You're a real spin merchant. I like it, Josh. Can I tell you something that will make you think my life is awful? Yeah, please.

So I got back late from a gig. Yeah. I wouldn't normally do this, but I just left my coat on the floor like a child when I came in because it was like 2 a.m. I just walked in the door, took off my coat. And then walked forward. It was on the floor. It was on the floor and I just went to bed. Didn't brush my teeth.

Oh, you are a grubby little bar. I'd already been asleep, Rob. You know, and you've already been asleep, and I was just like, fuck this. Yeah, sort of. No, I would still have to clean my teeth before bed. Clead my teeth in the morning. Watch on?

Watch on, always. Although I took my watch off yesterday, Rob. Yeah. Because I take it off for the shower. Yeah. And because I was in a hotel. Oh, no, I went to the gym in the hotel. Why don't you just take it off at night?

And then when you get up and go in the shower, it's already off. Why are you so obsessed with me not wearing my watch at night? It's odd, and everyone agrees. No, I don't care what everyone is. Fine. I'm just saying... Everyone agreed with Hitler in Germany. It didn't make him right. Not everyone, but just a strong majority, unfortunately.

There's a lot of them, yeah. Yeah, I'm glad you had it, unfortunately. Absolutely, yeah. Just to be clear. I don't really get involved in politics, but when it comes to the Nazi fascist regime, I'm not a fan. Send me on News Night and I'll defend that. Oh, God, on that, fucking hell, I said something on last leg

that's become a meme about paying tax. Oh, yeah. It's a very nice thing to say, and I agree with it. But I don't want that to be. me being some kind of... I felt that was just the end of your sentence. I just don't want that being me and it really struck a chord

because there's some days I'm doing things going, I don't want this to be me now. Do you know what I mean? I agree with it. It was just that if we have to pay a bit more tax to people to come out of poverty, that's a positive thing, right? Yeah, and that most of the tax stuff was aimed at already rich people in the budget. Yeah, exactly. And I'm like,

I'm happy to admit I'm in that group of people. You know, it'd be mad for me not to say that I'm within that group of people. And I'm happy to pay that extra tax. Anyway, when it becomes a meme that people are sharing, it looks like I'm trumpeting it. Do you know what I mean? And going, it's like I'm being a fucking virtue signaler.

Do you know what I mean? And I don't, I'm not. I didn't even put it on the Instagram channel 4 did. I would think, though, ultimately. That's my own demons. Yeah, that's showing demons. And ultimately, you do think that. That's what you think.

And it's out there. Who cares? What I'd say is the internet is like a lion enclosure And there's starve lions And then a bit of meat gets chucked in Which is either pro what's going on with the politics Or against what's going on the politics And all the lions feast on it

Some are protecting it and some are trying to eat it But ultimately it gets ripped apart They don't care what the meat is They don't care about Josh Whitakum, the person Or even Josh Whitakum, the comedian You're just a thing that's been thrown for them to eat It'll get eaten, something else will be thrown in So don't give it a second fault

No, exactly, but people keep sending it to me. Can I just say this? And you can't mean me about this. I've been to places where people live for tax reasons, and they are fucking weird. Yet, everyone doesn't want to really be there. Everyone's odd, and everyone's really bitter about the UK. And the only thing they can connect with is their own greed. Yeah.

Anyway, meme that, you're... so I left my coat on the floor right I forgot you were talking about that yeah I left my coat on the floor yeah I got up in the morning

I was fucked because I got back so late walk them to school just pick up my coat off the floor well I still wet this coat was it even raining when I came in and then I'm walking to school

and I'm like fucking hell this street stinks of piss what's going on and then I'm like oh my God Beryl's pissed on my coat and I'm wearing

Why would a cat piss in the coat? Well it turns out she's got a UTI Yeah but it's a big ass I know I know but I suppose it's comfy

and I don't know So you're walking to school in a coat covering and you can and I take it off and I look at it and you can see it. You know how wet is a different colour,

so you can see where the piss is on the coat. So then I'm just carrying a coat at like arms length, like a kind of, you know, if you're carrying back a kind of, I don't know what the example would be, like a pair of old football, like wet football boots or whatever, like, and it's a puffer jacket,

and I don't know whether you can put a puffer jacket into a... That may be a, it's gone. Do you think it's gone? I feel like, with a puffer jacket, the piss has gone in the little gaps of the... sewing and in the puffer. It's in the squishy. Yeah, but surely like a proper cleaner. I don't think it's a washing machine job, is it? No, because you all just all bundle up to one end or the puff. Yeah, exactly. So it's going to be a dry cleaner. Can you wash a puffer jacket? Who knows? Can you

watch a puffer jacket? This will make you feel better about that. Yeah. Two things. One, I lost a dog for 40 minutes. Oh my God. You must have felt awful. Yep. It was chasing a deer. Lost it for 40 minutes. I was in this, like, woodland bit. And I did a whole lap around the entire woodland bit saying his name nothing so then i went right we've got an air tag on it on the dog yeah wasn't loading up so i thought this is awful i'm having a complete meltdown panic attack how did you lost it sorry well it was off lead and then it chased a deer but the problem with the whippets have got incredible prey drive when something's moving fast they're bred to chase squirrels rabbits the lot yeah like you but normally if a rabbit a fox a squirrel they'll either go in a little den

go up a tree or go somewhere small that a dog can't get with a deer any bush or gap a deer can get through or whip it can get through and whip it's a really fast and it really scares the deer, right? And I didn't know there were deer in this woodland anyway. I've not seen him. Well, that's a lie. Last time I left him, let him off in that

woodland D run and chase the deer as well. So it was my fault. I just forgot. So I'm losing my mind completely. Don't know what to do. I've done a full lap now. I think he's not in this woodland. He's followed this deer out of the woodland for a gap in a hedge and he's either on a road or in another field, right? because that's the problem. I walk home, get my other dog

and put him in the house so that I can get in the car to try and do like a loop of the area in my car. Anyway, so I get the dog in the house like that, turn around, the other dog stuck looking at me. It had found its way home.

No. Yeah, it was at the front door. So I went in the, through the back door. How the fuck does that work? We were probably three quarters of a mile away from home, 25 minute walk on a walk he don't normally do, and Whippets are known to be figure.

I don't know how he's done it. Come back, blood all over his jumper, but he just had a little cut in his ear. Blood all over his jumper. Like he's been in a fight on a Christmas party. He's absolutely fine apart from his ears got caught on something and Whippet's ears bleed really easy. Whose blood is it?

The deer? It's his blood, but it's basically, where he's been running so fast and he's got a little cut, it's completely healed within about a day. Yeah. And I was like, oh my God. But he was at the front door. He just found his way home on the roads.

Oh my God. It's mental. wasn't it? Mental. Dogs are nuts, man. So, yeah, I was very lucky. Anyway, that happened. And then this will make you feel even better.

We woke up about six, one morning. Lou was absolutely exhausted. I was absolutely exhausted. And then we went into letting the dogs out, and we'd give them their new worming tablet, went in their little utility room that they sleep in, piss all over the floor. But they'd been running in it.

So they'd run out of the utility room and was just running, piss through the house. And one had also done a shit behind the door. So then when Lou opened the door, she dragged a shit across. There's a perfect sort of spray. of dog shit in like a crescent. Like a kind of children's art

projectory, like the effects you're going to get from this door. And then Lou has got a head in her hands with her eyes shut, breathing and doing this chance she does. And I went, look, do the kids at breakfast, I'll sort the dogs out. So I grab both dogs, chucked to the utility room, shut the door

behind me, and I thought, well, what I'll do is I'll clean it all up, clean all them up and let them back in. I almost vomited. The smell in that little room, because I basically locked myself in the room. It was all. This is like five past six. Oh, my God. Don't get three dogs.

Rob. Can you give me a view on this? Do you think, so I want to tell you what we're getting one of the presents we're getting the kids for Christmas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's a surprise. So if you're listening to this and you know me or your kids know my kids, please don't let your kids know. Yeah, because you were literally going to ruin Christmas for a charge.

Yes. But I want to tell you, do you think this is too much of a gamble? Oh, when will this go out, Michael? Next week, I suspect, so just before Christmas. So school has finished. 22nd. No one's going to tell them. No one's going to tell them.

Well, do you know what, this is a good test? Because if anyone does, they're a fucking serial killer. And we'll go around there and sort them out, Josh. Do you want me to send you a video? Well, I mean, I tried to do this before, and Argos. Oh, oh, oh, yeah. Amazon. Have they done it as well?

Did the same fucking thing. With a Christmas present not in a box. Bluey Doll's house. for my son. That's fucking insane. Get this. It gets worse. Yeah.

From my daughter. I'd gone, what would you like to get my son? Right. So she picked that from. What we do, between them, we go,

name something you'd want to get them. Oh, that's a nice idea. Oh, we should do that next year. Yeah. So it's not like, here's your budget of your own money. It's like,

buy something that you think your sibling would really like. That's really nice. Yeah, I can't believe we've not thought that. She gets this bluey dolls house and get this. She has saved up her pocket money.

on our good friends at Go Henry for fucking months, right? She's not paying for it though, is she? No, not the Bluey Doll's house but she's saved up for the Barbie Dreamhouse for so long, right? Right, yeah. She's got there and she got it

on the Saturday morning it arrived. Yeah. Two hours later, the Bluey Dolls house arrives for my son. So he has to have it? Well, my parents are fucking, me and Rose aren't there. So my dad and my son,

and answer the door to the bluey doll's house. Oh my God. His sister's just got a doll's house. And it's not in a brown box. It's actually, yeah. This has to stop at Christmas. For December, it has to stop. You can't just send it.

And I was like, suddenly, have I, is there a tick box I've missed? Yeah. Which says, this needs to be boxed. Because Amazon's always boxed normally, isn't it? Yeah. Most of the time. And this actually happened with a Barbie dream house cat that comes, not in a box. My friends had this trouble before as well when it arrived.

And then the kids at the door. You've got to box, I think, from December. To box Stephen Gerard. Let's do this. From mid-November, I get there's birthdays. I'm not saying you have to box all year. Because if it's birthdays in July, you've got to understand that might happen. Do you know what?

I'm going to say this, Josh. You have to box the Barbie Dreamhouse all year. Yeah, yeah. Because no one's buying that on a fucking whim. That is a present. Yeah. A big present. Certain items.

Kids toys have to be boxed. Yeah, because if it comes in a box, right, and it isn't a surprise, it's just something they've bought, no problem. If it doesn't come in a box, huge problem. Yeah. So you're safe if it's always boxed. Or you have to come up with a huge pop-up, like the cookies pop-up,

that says, would you like this unboxed? And you have to tick the thing to unbox it. You need to actively choose no box. But also, these delivery companies, I'll order like a pack of envelopes, right? And it will come in a giant box with loads of stuff in to stop it moving about. I'm like, what is that?

So what's happened with a bluey one? Well, my dad texted me. I haven't been home since because it was only the weekend. It's Monday morning. I'm going home on the train after this. My dad said that he didn't open it. They'd negotiated with him to have it for Christmas. But the surprise has gone.

Yeah, of course. But I suppose he'll love it anyway. Yeah, I know. But what you're paying for is that Christmas day morning where his sister can go, I've got you this for Christmas. Yeah, exactly. And it's his favourite present. Yeah.

Anyway, what was I saying on that? What you want to get your daughter, but... Well, you can't box this, Rob. And if you are listening with anyone that knows Josh's daughter, just turn it off now, because the kids can't be trusted to keep a secret. Let me just forward it onto the group. This is a video.

Oh, my God. That is huge. What if someone tells her now? They're not going to do. That's mental. Should we bleep it out? I don't know. What do you think, Michael?

It's pretty high stakes. Yeah, it is pretty high stakes. Okay, let's bleep it out. Let's bleep it out what you've got. Okay. All I'm going to say is, huge and I cannot wait to hear about her reaction when we report back in January. And we're sorry, it's for both of them.

After the Sun's reaction, okay, I didn't realize it was for both. Okay. We are going to tell them. No one's going to give a fuck about Bluey Zet. No. Yeah. Yeah, let's bleep it out just in case. Like the box, we put a cardboard box on it.

Yeah, yeah, we put a cardboard box on it. We're going to tell them on Christmas Day and then we're going to pick up the present at the start of January. They can't get the present on the day, though. No, it's not an option. Fair enough. Perfect. Big news.

Fucking news don't stop coming, mate. Come on. What are you got? So I had a night in London where I wasn't working and I thought I should do something. I went to watch your friend and mine in the theatre.

Ramesh. Oh, you went to watch him in his play? I went to watch Ramesh's play. Was that on the press night? No, press night's in January. So it's still in preview season but I was in London and I wanted to sit. Because you can't review it into a certain point basically.

Yeah. So he was in London, you went to see it? Yeah. He's great. I said to him, I meant this because I said, I text him the next day as well to say, this is the most impressed I've ever been with you because everything else he's done is an extension of what he does. Yeah, and it's him being him kind of thing. That's not a disrespectful thing. As in everything we do is an extension of what we do. Yeah, 100%. He has stuck his neck out so far. So what kind of part is it? Is it a comedy part? Is it a proper part? But he's still acting in the theatre and having to act on stage opposite Sheridan fucking Smith,

like one of the great actors of her generation. And is he in it a lot? Yeah. I just thought he was going to pop in and do a couple of jokes and then leave, but he's a proper acting. No, Rob. What a suspect, Ron.

The lights, well, I don't know whether obviously it might change the preview, but the first scene, the lights come up and it's Rommesh and Sheridan Smith on stage already. That's massive. Mesh, as a doctor, as a comedy doctor. As his mum always wanted.

As his mum always wanted. And I was watching it and I had a lovely time. And he's very good. Sheridan Smith's very good. The play's good. Can I be honest? I was thinking, I can only imagine how much Rob Beckett would hate this. What, the play?

Yeah. Well, I got invited to the press night thing. Because I'm working. Which is quite funny actually. a sort of a TV double-act part that is performing in the West End against opposite Sharon Smith in a play that's really stretching

and beyond his normal remit whereas I'm doing three gigs in one day in Bromley that night. But we like what we like, Josh. They did invite me to that and I went, I can't make that, could I go on this date? And I mean, yeah, sure, but you've got to pay for the tickets

and they're extortionate and I went, do you know what? I love him, but I ain't paying to go because I know I'm not going to like it. And that's not a go at him, but it ain't my cup of tea. I want to support him, but, you know... He was brilliant, and the play is very good.

There is part of me every time I go to the theatre. When it starts, I think, oh, fuck, I'm at the theatre. It's rid of class. Right? Yeah. There was a bit where there was a joke about someone reading the Observer newspaper, and the guy behind me laughed so much, and I thought, God, I wish Rob was here now.

Just to hate that man. Is it called Women in Mind? Woman in Mind? He's brilliant and it is really good. Oh, no, I'm sure it's absolutely amazing. It's not my two hours, five minutes. Does that include an interval? No.

I can't do it. It's too long. Why is the theatre so long? Because it's like, if that was like an hour and a half, I'm in. He's having to do that twice on Saturdays. Sheridan Smith is in every scene. It must be fucking exhausting. Well, I said that to Cush Jumbo.

No Cush came to my, the actor. She came to my show at Eastbourne And I was like, he's doing it They have to do it every day all over Christmas And she was like, yeah, that's acting, Rob Yeah And I was like, oh, it's a bit much, isn't it? She went, that's what you have to do

If you want to earn money over Christmas I was like, yeah, no, but good luck to me I'm sure he's absolutely amazing And I will try to get there But at the moment, I've not had a chance before Christmas It was really good And I was so impressed with him I need to go to go to Niro

It looks weird if I don't go out Oh, God, I feel bad No, because I don't think he'll want you to go if you feel like you should go. Oh, God. In the same way... Now, we look even worse. Has he come to see you on tour?

No, he hasn't, actually. Yeah. And I went and saw his tour. So I won it up. Yeah. Yeah. So, Bromish, please don't come to my tour. So I'll have to...

My next tour is to be called the Matanay-Radius tour, where it all finishes in time for football kick-offs. is earlier in the day I might just do in a radius of 20 miles from my house to 3pm that isn't on TV so I can get in a lunchtime game on a Saturday than at 5.30.

Talking of Romish, our new series, sorry, Robin Romish verse is back on Sky and now TV if we want to watch that. We're doing Bollywood, Shakespeare, Winter Olympics in the New Year and also hip-pop and wildlife photography where we go to the jungle.

Now, my kids, obviously seeing me on Rommish on the Sky home screen and are very interested. They've started watching the shows. So they watched the Bollywood one, the most recent one. Is it suitable?

No. No. We swear in it? You see my entire ass, almost nearly my dick. They've seen that. They've seen that a million times. I'm talking about a million times.

I'm lying on the front. They've seen that as well. Millions of times. They've seen that. And I'm basically half naked getting massage. On Roman Day, a seven-year-old girl came up to me and said, I've seen you in Bollywood.

Yeah. They're schoolmates. Of course, Rob, because think when you were a kid, you did watch grown-up TV. Yeah, but that's men. So if you think about it, when you were a kid, you'd have been watching primetime television. Yeah. Going back to Robbish's Play, I did drop an absolute howler when I was messaging him, because I messaged him about something. Oh, he told me about this.

I felt so bad. And you said, how'd you know if it's any good? I found the old Labou, the fake LaBoooooooooo, he got my daughter. And I said, LaFu-Fu next to LaBoo-Boo. I went, oh, you at the interval, he went, yep, yep, in the interval, I was saying that it must be so strange to be in front of so many people in a theatre but laugh's not being the sole objective

when you're on stand-up, it's constantly laugh, laugh, laugh, to actually just act and trust the play. Even if you're doing it really well, your body's going, get a laugh, get a laugh, you know. And he said, ha-ha, I know. And then I said, and this is me typing before I thought, I went, how do you know

if you've done a play well? No tangible proof like a laugh. Sorry, this is probably the worst possible thing to say to someone at the interval of their first ever play. I went, I'm so sorry, this is dreadful. He said really great pep talk, thanks. I had a similar thing where I thought, that's gone really well. They got a standing o, Rob.

Oh, yes, Sandinivation in the theatre. Yeah. I went back afterwards, yeah. I was talking to him. And I was like, that went really well. And then I went, was that a good one? I've got no, I, like, was that a good night for you or a bad night? Because I don't know.

Because to me, I was thinking, that ripped it. But I don't know. what the past score is for this. Do you know what I mean? I don't know how actors feel about it because we're going off the back of being comics and when they get laughed. Yeah.

That's why maybe that's why actors all go mad. Yeah. No one knows. A bit like a podcast. You just put it out there. Quick one. Yeah. Generational gap.

Yep. Christmas cards. Do you still do Christmas cards? I don't. I never have. Do you receive them? A little bit, but not much. My daughter's school and my son's school,

they have a really nice. nice thing actually where all the kids there's like a letterbox yeah and so they post christmas cards to their friends and then they get given cards by their friends that's only because they haven't phones though isn't it yeah yeah exactly but the kids they fucking love it so they're into christmas cards more than we are well we get the odd few from older people that we're related to or no yeah and then i don't really reply i just go i just won't ever send one and then hopefully we'll just fall off their list every year i go and then i won't feel good year I go, well, next December, I'm going to try and have December off. But every year, December is

so busy. Always the busiest, yeah. Because you only get two thirds of a month to do a month's worth of work, basically. And everyone in the world needs more money than they do any other month. Yeah. So they take on extra work. So every year, I think I'd love to like relax into Christmas and go shopping and I'll do Christmas cards, but it's just never going to happen. The only time I'm tempted is if I get one off the neighbour, because I'm like, I might see them in the, and look them in the eye and no, I've not given them a card. Yeah, because you don't have to post it.

Imagine sending out a text to get an address to send a card. I don't have my friend's addresses. Right, should we do small business? Yeah, Merry Christmas, everyone, by the way. Have a brilliant Christmas. Thanks to all the support this year. We've loved doing it. And hopefully...

New Year is huge excitement. Huge excitement. We are from the New Year. Now, I'll be honest with you. I think I know what we're doing, but I'm not 100%. Michael, tell me if we're wrong. We are going to be filming interviews with guests in person and releasing the full interview on the internet.

The internet. Honestly, we weren't sure whether it was going to take off, but now we're attaching our... Yeah, we're going to put it on VHS and release it, but we've gone for up online. And we're filming our own chats and putting them on the internet. With better cameras are making it and then... But we're not putting the whole of our chats up, are we?

Yeah, we are, yeah. Are we? Yeah, it's full video. Everything is video. Okay, cool. Okay, good to know. I thought there were clips. Yep, and our chats are all going on the internet.

We're filming it all. Are we filming it all? Yeah. Yeah, we're filming it all. There we go. It's good tonight. We're filming the whole thing, Rob. What an announcement.

Do you know what? I think that might have been the first announcement I've ever done where I found out at the same time as the people I was announcing to. It's incredible. It was like you were reading an auto queue that you hadn't read before. Click this and put the meme when the announcer becomes the announcer receiver. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's nice.

That's nice. Say something else about tax. Get that up. Yeah. So do I need to do shock stuff now to try and get views. I don't believe in the education system. I think we should bring all kids out. And I think breastfeeding's bad.

And I think men should go to work and women should look after kids. Clip that. Clip that. The new generation is a new era for the podcast. Oh, yeah. No, it'll be exactly the same if you listen. It will make no difference to that. But now you can watch everything on video as well.

Mine won't be as good as Joshy's straight away, but it will, but by the end of January. I've built a fucking studio in my house, and Rob's just found out that he's got to. I'm really behind on that. Right. Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. Forget shaving his back hair. Rob should try having it sugared. Fucking hell, what am I fucking dumpling?

A little donut boy. Especially if he has any tour dates near Northwich coming up. I'm not going to Northwich to get my back sugared. I'm so proud of my best friend Sharon, who has recently retrained as a sugarista. Are you winding me up? I'm not winding you up. Okay, go on. Let's, I'll give it a fair way.

Sugaring is a better alternative to waxing. It's 100% natural and biodegradable, and it's more gentle on the skin and it will not burn you as it's applied at body temperature. If you live in and around Northwich, please contact the underscore sugar, underscore station, underscore Northwich on Instagram or the sugar station on Facebook. For more details on how to book. Thank you for reading this. Becky, 540 months. A long-time listener, a mother to a very sweet sleep thief. Thanks for the podcast, I don't feel so alone. You're going to get your back sugar, Rob?

Well, if it works, you'll go go and get a little back sack and crap before holiday. Just put me ass in the air and get a little... Northwich is in... I don't even, I've never been to Northwich. Imagine having your ass in the air and just someone with a little sort of... One of them little sieves, just tapping a bit of sugar on your ass. Where is it? I mean, the thing that I'm more concerned about...

It's up north. It's up north. It's someone putting sugar on my back. But sugar me back. It's just below Manchester, Rob. Right, well, next time I'm up there, I might go and get me back sugared. How long does it take? I need more information.

Can they send a bit more information on what the system is? It's waxing, but with sugar, and it's better for the environment and better for your skin. So, basically, they melt sugar, pour it on your back, let it dry and then rip off. No, because it's not hot. It's not hot. But do you know what? We'll discuss it fully visualised in the new year. It is fucking out.

There we go. Hi, Rob. I hope this reaches you. So this is a guy that dropped off an old football shirt for me at a gigging Nottingham and he left this. It was an Australia one. Thank you very much for it. Thought you might appreciate adding the Australia shirt to your collection. Seem fitting with all the tour, talk and stories.

I've been a fan for years and listened to the podcast since the beginning. Me and my girlfriend are actually expecting our first baby in May. So now going back through all the old episodes for the tips. I'd appreciate a small business shout out. I run 12th man football shirts. That's T-W-E-L-F-H-M-A-N football. shirt. A little side project, me and my brother started about eight years ago from childhood hobby of collecting shirts. He's stepped back now, so it's just me keeping it going.

I've got hundreds of new and vintage adult and kids football shirts listed on eBay, and I add more every day. You can find everything through my Instagram at 12th man underscore shirts. The link to my store is in my bio. I hope you have a good Christmas. Thanks again for the last time. And I didn't want to take the gift off him. I said, don't worry about leaving a shirt. Just give the No, if you want to, when he emailed my agent, but he gave me a shirt anyway, so thank you very much. What was the shirt? Retro-Australia shirt, so very nice indeed. Lovely, lovely, lovely.

Josh, I'll be seeing you fully visualised in the new year. Yeah. In your brand-new studio? Absolutely. I really need to, I just don't know when that's going to be, but we can sort that out, can't in my Michael. If Michael the keys to your house, he'll do it like Father Christmas. Give me the keys to my office and you can come down.

Who's that? Is that Father Christmas on Christmas Eve, Daddy? No, it's Michael building a studio. Do you know what? This is what we'll do. all we need to sort out is the light in the sound and the camera Michael can do that

and then I will evolve my backdrop and you'll all be able to see the evolution of my backdrop on the show Exactly so it's not just going to be a few sound tiles with a couple of football shirts put over the top Well it probably will be But it might be different sound tiles

and different football shirts But I need to sort the backdrop out What Shores look like then? Have you got a studio? Michael Yeah do the backdrop as well mate Right, I'll speak to you later. Bye. We'll unveil it.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.