Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S11 EP8: From Friend to Lover

Episode Date: September 1, 2025

More misadventures in parenting, life, and beyond with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe... we go through some of your listener correspondence. And Josh's house alarm keeps going off!! Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please subscribe and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] Follow us on instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@parentinghell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

There you are, pushing your newborn baby in a stroller through the park. The first time out of the house in weeks. You have your Starbucks, venty, because, you know, sleep deprivation. You meet your best friend. She asks you how it's going. You immediately begin to laugh. Then cry. Then laugh cry? That's totally normal, right? She smiles. You hug. There's no one else you'd rather share this with.

You know, three and a half hour sleep is more than enough. Starbucks, it's never just coffee. Hello, I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Whitickham. Welcome to Parent in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week you'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping.

And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and of course, tales of parenting woe. Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Right, Arlo, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And can you say Josh Whittickham? Just Whittaker. Well done. Can you say Parenting Hell?

Parenting Hell. Wow, fabulous. I'll tell you what, that was very well done, considering there was someone at the ring doorbell, there was a cat meowing. Exactly. Alor. It wasn't that? It wasn't you, it was a jewelly, wasn't it?

Oh, my worst. The worst you could do, Sunderland. Oh, so sorry to the Jolties and the Macums out there. Yeah. Same thing, though, in it? We're all cockneys to them. Well, I'm not, surely. I think you'd be a southerner.

Yeah. You'd be miscellaneous southerner, and I'll just be cockneyed. Whether you're from Essex, Kent, London. Well, she's from Sondland. However, she grew up in London, North Finchley. Finchley, barely London. Oh, Lord. So the accent.

probably a bit of a miss smash. No, you're absolutely north-east. There was no doubt in my life. I didn't go, oh, she's hands been like a bit of a Londoner. Al-L. This is my godson, Arlo. Exactly 36 months. His third birthday was Saturday the 26th of July.

Absolutely smashing the intro to the podcast. No children myself, but without fail, I'm always in the top 2% of podcast listeners when I get my annual stats in December. I'll respect. Who's this person? This is Zoe Milburn. Zoe, 381 months.

Milburn. Do you remember the band Milburn? Yeah, they were part of the Arctic Monkeys' Sheffield Explosion. I love Milburn. I've got no memory of them. Oh, they were literally, they just... It was like a phone call, their songs.

What do you mean? They're just like taught you through their life. It's not ringing a mate, but with a guitar in the background. All right. I'm on the bus. All right. It was all that. Do you want to know how many monthly listeners?

they've got on Spotify this month. Roll out the barrel, bring out the barrel, roll out of the barrel, go and bring out the barrel. I reckon you're probably in the top 2% of Milburn list. Honestly, I was a mad, Milburn, because I loved Artic Monkeys, but at that point, Arctic Monkeys were like doing world tours,

and then Milburn come out, and this was when I was going out drinking a lot before I started doing comedy, and I used to get the train from Canterbury up to London and then get the last train home back to Canterbury when I lived there, and I saw them at Historia, old Melbourne. Oh, that dates it.

Well, Melbourne, I've got 28,000 monthly listens. Yeah. So you're definitely going to be in the top 2% of them. What You Could Have Won, that was one of the songs I had. Do you know what their number one song is, Rob? What's that? Do you want to have a guess? What you could have won is not in their top five.

Roll out of barrel? That's not in their top five. Something in the T-cup? That's not in their top five. What's in the top five? Sending the boys? Yeah, I remember that one. That's a good one.

This is the one about the bus. Last bus. Sending the boys. Well, well, well. Cheshire Cat Smile. Well, well, well, look, what the cat dragged in. I don't know if you're making that up now. This is true life.

True life. Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in. Do you play that on your phone? It's exactly the same. Fine. Do you know what? I got a message off Spotify the other day. What are they saying?

Saying that Sabrina Carpenter's got something special for me. A restraining order. I always jumped down my skin. It's a rat kind of music. What's that one? Sending the boys? No, that's well, well, well. Yeah.

You could chip into this intro a bit, I'd argue. Come on, Astoria. Let's fucking have it. All right. Come on, guys. You're 24 seconds in. Trying to fill in the fucking album's a bit short. What?

Is that it? No. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. This is it? There you go.

It doesn't sound more like Alex Turner if he tried. I loved it. I love Melbourne. Massive fans of Milburn. Shout out to Melbourne. If you're in Melbourne, give us a show out. Yes, please.

Big fan of Milburn. What's happened to Melbourne? They did a reunion gig the other week, I think. Did they? Me and my mate were like, should we go? And then we remembered we're 40 and we've got kids, and it's just too much asshole.

Can I just say thank you so much to people that come to my tour shows, and I imagine you echo the same feeling. No, no. I think there should be more effort to come to mine. No, thank you so much if you've come to a tour show. I totally go. Because the effort to leave your house and come to a show,

massive respect out there. So thank you very much. I don't think. I don't think I've ever got to the day of something I've bought tickets for and I actually wanted to go. No, no, no. When you're in your house...

Then you get there and you're like, I'm glad I came, it's great. But every time I'm like, apart from Oasis. I haven't been yet. Yeah, but Blur, you weren't like feeling that about blur at Wembley, were you? No, no, no, of course not. But we aren't the greatest rock and roll band ever that has reformed after 16 years after a public family falling out, are we? We are a couple of guys of a few slick jokes.

Give us 16 years. Why don't we have a massive row and then reform and see what happened for nothing? Because the sad thing where people didn't care and that would be even worse. Do you remember when they were doing that really successful podcast At the height of podcasting when everyone was listening to podcast Then they split up and came back 16 years later When podcast didn't exist anymore And their children were adults

And their children are adults and no one cared Rob started to rebuild a trampoline again Trying to give them the hits And their guest was the bass player from Melbourne I'll take that You take that, of course I'll take that, yeah How are you, Josh, you're good I'm good actually

The dog done a shit on the floor my ass. Oh no, we had that with a cat. When we went away for the week, the cat pissed in the hallway every day. Do you spray the area after that? Do I spray the area? Yeah. Well, the dog's arse. No. Oh, the floor. Yeah, the floor, yeah. Yeah, I'll give that a good old proper, like, anti-back bleachy spray. Always roll the dice, because I pick up the nearest spray. I don't really check if it says okay for floor. I'll spray out the floor and open for the best. It's only floor, what type of floor is it? I think people worry too much about floor or carpet. Do you know what I mean? Carpets. Faf, isn't it?

Yeah, just put something over the top of it if it gets ruined, isn't it? What, like a rug? Oh, like a table. Table. But then if it's right in the middle of the room, you're in trouble, ain't you? Yeah, yeah. You were good, are you? I got locked in a car part last night.

Oh, lovely. A perfect, Josh Whittaker come story. I'm in, I'm fully in. Well, I was. Here we go, okay. Here we fucking go. I did this in 16 years at Wendling. Everyone root into their seats.

Hanging on every word, elbow in there, mate. Don't go. for a beer now. Josh is telling us his anecdote about the car park. Yeah, so I got locked in the car park. What car park? It was a car park. We went for dinner in kind of Mayferry area.

Oh, she and Rose? As we discussed, it's difficult to do stuff babysitting. So we were like, let's get this in. Why your mum's in recovering from her back surgery? Look after the kids. No, we didn't get her to look after the kids. She's lying there, and you have a brace on. We might as all fuck off out.

Yeah, exactly. No, we got Shell round. Big up Shell. Big up Shell. He's the lady does your MOTs, isn't she in any? sometimes it's after your kids. Yeah, I suppose you can argue that. Yeah.

We got shower round. She actually fell asleep when she was putting my daughter to bed, so she ended up staying because she woke up at half 11 when we got back. Oh, really? Yeah. Anyway, that's neither here nor that. Is it paying for women to stay at your house, mate?

That's on you. She's not fucking charging me on where we got back. I'll tell you that, for my friend. Imagine that woke and here's my invoice for 6 a.m. You could have left at 11th. That's my 12-hour invoice. Strictly, you're a little. asleep for some of the hours we booked you for if anything we could actually reclaim an hour

and a half because you were asleep weren't you anyway I booked through just part you know just park where you can just choose somewhere to park that's the thing you were big in up the other week and they used your clip and did an advert and they sent it shit well they did a thing guy and listen to josh whittaker you should definitely use a just park but now it's your chance to say it's a load of shit as well well i got locked in the car park oh so it is bad well no i'm not saying it's bad no it was the car park's fault so it's neither mine or just parks hang on to that why was it the car park's fault when does the car park shut it's open 24 hours yep so we get back to our car at 20 past 10 and that's a good thing about not drinking now yeah yeah just drive and you're in london

you can just sit back to your house an hour drive across london back to london exactly from london to London, just an hour in the car. Exactly, Rob. And I was saying to Rose, you see, we would have paid like 60 quid for a taxi here, but now we could just drive back. It's easy. And how he paid 60 pound to get to a city you already live in? I know, it's mental.

It's fucking mental. And they've closed for good now, the main road that I would have to drive on to take my door to school. That is officially shut now. Yeah. What's it going to be? It's got one of those red signs. You know, the red circle with the car and the car,

bike in it. Only for buses. Only for buses. Just call it a bus lane, isn't it? It's just a big old bus. You know what? I hate most in London.

I don't know if they do this in the other parts of the country. Out of nowhere during COVID, and I don't know why. They just decided to put fucking plant pots at the end of roads just so you can drive down it and there'd be a plant pot there.

It's mental. And then the locals were actually picking them up and moving them so that they could get to their house. Do you know what? I'm going to have, when I move, a lot of room in my head that is currently taken up

by me thinking like a taxi driver. The problem is, if you live in London, you're not allowed to get to your house in a car, but you need a car for certain things. And it's not like you're taking your car, right? When you're gigging, say you're, you know, gig in at television centre. You're not taking your car to try and park up out the front for free.

No, not like Michael Parkinson in the 70s. That's what I'm saying. It's not like you're... You literally need to get children. You can't just... There's no tube where you are. There's no tube. Anyway, anyway.

Don't need a couple of other middle-aged men moaning about London. Tell you what, if Michael's worth his soul, he'll chip into me and you in the last five minutes because that is, we've become very LBC. Look, man, you can't put a muzzle on the truth. London's fucked up. Here we go. Give him a late-night show. Give him a late-night show.

London's a mess, guys. Just saying it. London's a mess. Anyway, we're in this car park. We've paid. The big steel gate just doesn't open. the sense has broken Oh what

Presumably So I'm going forward and back Trying to set it off I got so far forward I was like I was kind of pushing up against the thing You know like when two footballers Like face up against each other

Or like when you're sort of in a nightclub And you're dancing really close to someone Consensually and their bottom goes on your front Do you ever had that at a nightclub Josh You and Rose when you were first courting She'd fucking to you and dance What ass first back in into you.

Yeah, but not immediately, but once you've sort of said alone and you've danced a bit, there'd be a point where... She'd turn round. So you're dancing behind Lou and Lou's going... No, you're dancing behind Rose. Don't bring me and Lou into this straight situation. No, no, no, no, you're saying that you're naming the situation. You're not telling me that Rose has never ground on you.

I am telling you that yet. Yeah. As Lou ground on you? Surely back in the day. I mean, don't push me for an example. We got together a bit older than you and Lou. We weren't... Post grind.

Post the grind world. So was Lou grinding into you? Not particularly. So neither of us have experienced this. No, I've experienced it. I'm not some sort of pussy old virgin, mate. I've been ground on. But you're just not with Lou.

Well, why are you bringing that out? Well, I'm just asking. Why are you bringing up previous grindees? Okay. So you've been ground on. Yeah, but I would never grind on the woman. No, I wouldn't expect you to. I'm table salt.

I've just got two questions. You have been ground on, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't like the way you've turned this. No, no, no, no, it's fine. Have you been ground on by Lou? Potentially when we first started going out and we used to go out to like nightclubs and bars together.

The difference in those answers is quite interesting, isn't it? Because that definitely means there's a pre-grindee. What do you mean? There's other grindies. I've been ground on by others. Yeah. Correct. I suppose they're the grounders.

I'm sure Rosa's ground on you at some sort of a wedding dancing. And I'm not talking like some sort of, you know, Jamaican festival like where they're properly daggering. I mean, Lou's got, like, lifted up a skirt. It's like on a, all fours fucking winking at me. I'm talking like, just dark. That's how I'm picturing it. That's how I'm picturing it.

Don't picture it. When I'm picturing it, you're fucking loving it. Absolutely, yeah. And you're high-fiving the men around you. Yeah, we're all high-law. It's really toxic, but this was back, you know, we've been together to get it in 15 years. Don't judge us. It was a different time.

It was a different time. You know, I mean, your mum would go to a disco. You'd get an all four-stick or ass in the air, wobble it around a bit, and I'd back up into it and front of it out. Just a couple of young guys. Just, you know, meeting and greeting. It was a different time, wasn't it, 2010? Yeah.

Milboer, I'm riding high in the charts. I still can't believe, you and Rose, did you ever dance when you first started going out? Or did you, what, how did you, you work together? So how did you go from colleagues to, sort of suitors and partners. Text. Text.

Like text chats and then... You'd be funny and flirty. You worked with Lou as well. I worked with Lou as well. So how did you turn that one? Well, we both sort of liked each other and then we used to go out drinking a lot of work because it was an events company

where we would have to go and look at event space. So the company would book big hotels so the hotels would invite us to the hotels and go, come for dinner, come for drinks. Oh, God. What's that? There's a man checking my burger alarm. My smoke alarms. Oh, yeah.

I tell you, what a great time to schedule that. Of all day, all day. And we are doing this for two hours in the morning. You've got the burglar up alarm, man, testing your alarm. They didn't give me a clear window. It was just in for the day. Just in for the day, okay. And how long is he there for?

Well, he's been here since 10 to 9. Right, okay, cool. He did all the loud stuff beforehand. Oh, so what was that, the quiet stuff we just heard? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay, cool. Good to know the quiet stuff. his ear splittingly loud and destructive.

It was fucking kicking off at 8.53. I'll tell you that for free. Michael keeps leaving the chat. I don't know what's going on. He went at Daggering. I don't know if we've upset him. Maybe he's never been ground on. Someone started bragging about being ground.

Oh, Lou's going to give me so much shit for this. So basically, we used go out drinking a lot with work because show us to hotel, show us to the restaurant bar, then give us loads of free drink. Yeah. And then he was at an event. led to another. We were chatting and had a little kiss. Tried out the honeymoon suite. We tried out the honeymoon suite. Well, but so it went from textie chat to Thursday, drinking. And then did you ask her out or did you get drunk and get

off of each other? What happened? I don't know if I've ever properly been on a date, if you know what I mean. Okay. You know like date night. We have that. But I mean, would you like to go for a drink with me? Because I like you romantically. I don't think I've ever really done that. Where was the first kiss with you and what, how did you switch from friend to lover? Friend to love her.

It's a difficult pivot. It was on a kind of rug in front of an open fire. Don't deflect with humour. It was on the sofa of a terrible house I lived in in Turnpike Lane. Do you want some details of the house? All right, full details. We'll find out

if you got out of the car park. Spoiler alert, you're sat here talking to me, so imagine you did. We did get out of the There was a button outside the car park after 20 minutes. Outside the car park, you could press a button to telecom someone in like an office somewhere. Why is that outside the car park? And the only reason we found the button was Rose had gone outside the car park to try and set off the sensor as if she was a car coming in. And then you got out. And then we got out. So that's the car park dealt with. Let's hear about romance. So we were drinking. After work? Yeah. A TV record or a day right in the show? She worked in your TV show, didn't she?

It was stand up for the week. There was a slight power dynamic of you being her boss or? No, because she was the producer. So I would say... Your new act, so it was sort of a bit mid-level, a bit similar. I don't think either us had any power. But the similar level, both up and coming? I suppose so, yes, yes.

It was certainly, I mean, I was living in Turnpite Lane in a rented property to give you an idea of the level I was operating at. Was it after a record or after a day? day in the office? After day in the office. They're in the office. You've been there. You write your little jokes of your mates.

It's a pretty good one. Could I just be clear? That was never said. It was always that's not good enough. That's a bloody great one. I can't wait to say that at Clap and Grand in front of all the guys. Oh, God, don't. It was so stressful.

So you've been writing jokes all day and then somebody in the office, you or Rose or is it someone else says, she will go for a drink? We all went out drinking. Yeah. Yeah, one thing led to another. Okay. And then just you and Rose went back to your place? Yeah, big time.

So what did you say in the drinks then? Do you want to go back to mine for another drink? Probably, yeah. I don't remember the words. Do you want to come back to mine for an awkward kiss on a futon? It's not a futon. It was an awful leather sofa, L-shaped leather sofa. They came with the house.

And then you just went back. Then we just went back. We've never looked back. Oh, dear. Did you go on a date with Lou? Yeah, because we sort of just did the similar thing. thing of like it was after a work thing. I invited around to my house for a date

and I was going to like cook her dinner and then I opened the chicken. Were you living on your own? No, with some mates and then I was doing her some dinner and she'd just come back from Glastonbury and then the chicken I opened was off so I had to run to the shop. So I left her in my garden

and my mate Birch came home and just started chatting to her and then I come in and she was setting my shitty little garden with all like burn out stuff in the bag. Are you still friends with Birch? Yeah, still friends with Birch. Yeah. That was our proper. first date, I suppose.

I'll probably get told off by Lou. And then we went out to clubs and she just ground on me for six months before we know it, fully romantically evolved. Josh, should we do some correspondence? We were today planning on doing correspondence. We got sidetracked. Unlike us. Sightrapped by love.

Fucking hell, Switzerland's still going. Switzerland never ends. So I stacked off Switzerland. We asked for some pros and most of the pros of Switzerland have been fairly negative, haven't they? Yeah, yeah. Do you want any more Swiss pros and cons and then we draw a line under it? Yeah, let's do that.

I just wanted to add to the Swiss commentary. I'm half Swiss, half English. I spent the first six years of my life in England and the next five in the Swiss German-speaking part of Switzerland. While the Swiss are, for the most part, rather rule-obsessed in defence of the Swiss way of life, it was incredible how much freedom we had as kids roaming the fields and forests all day,

swimming in rivers, and only occasionally getting chased up trees by wild boar. Another fun fact about Switzerland while I was living there is that every single citizen has to have access to a nuclear bunker. That is incredible. That is incredible. Ours was in the landlord's basement. I suspect this explains the prepper tenancy I have 30 years later. Keep it sharp and nabar. Bet. I don't know what that means. Oh, sexy relatable in Swiss.

Hello, guys. Swiss British listener living in Geneva, Switzerland, having heard pros and wrong cons about Switzerland, here is a real advantage of living here. inhabitants of our country are not allowed hoovering or using the washing machine on Sundays because it makes noise and Sundays are mandated to be as quiet and boring as fuck. Oh, Ludo, go fuck yourself, mate. I'm not having some sort of government telling me I can't do a bit of over it.

Oh, it's areas. LBC's back. I don't go full LBC, but fuck me, mate. It's a busy week and I've got shit on the floor and I can't Uber. If you're not doing your washing on a Sunday, when are you fucking doing it? What happens if you drop a box of Rice Krispies on a Sunday? You wait until Monday, man.

You're crunching away till Monday. You're crunching away away. You're snackle and pop until Monday morning, son. I like it. I like the idea. I like the idea of waking up on a Sunday, turning over and going back to sleep. Safe in the knowledge,

I won't be woken by my neighbour's hoovering. I mean, unless you're in a flat, though, who's getting woken by the neighbours'oeuvring? Surely, if you're living in a big Swiss place. The big bastards that probably make these rules. If you're David Bowie, who lived in Switzerland. When he was alive. Surely to God,

With the exception of his lovely wife and ma'am, who's going to hear that David Bowie is hoovering in his massive house. You've got to be happy to do your washing. Then you'd get all the carons coming up to all the Swiss carons. Excuse me, it's actually Sunday. You're not all I have to do your washing. Fuck off. I'm actually going to get labelled as racist if we keep doing this Swiss thing.

I don't think you are. I think you've just found a country that doesn't play to your characteristic. It doesn't play to my strengths. Yeah. You know what? I like having a laugh and doing me washing on a Sunday. You love doing your washing on a Sunday. The amount of episodes, we record Monday morning,

the amount of episodes where I've seen you in the background with a little drying rack, like you've got now. Look, there's a washing there. Yeah, and we're recording on a Wednesday. I don't know why that's still up. It's still drying. Still dry, mate. That's what I tell myself.

Probably's wet still. Won't put it away. Just leave it there. Oh, I've got a paramedic fact check. Do you know when I said that paramedics have to go to the first person in an injury situation? The first person they see, not the worst injury? That's what I thought, but I was wrong.

I'm Nina. I'm a helicopter doctor. Presumably that's a doctor that travels in a helicopter. not a mechanic. What else could it be? Someone that looks after helicopters. Oh, right, yeah, okay. Well, like a helicopter doctor.

We're like, they're always over the patient, like a helicopter parent. Back off, mate. Josh's statement about paramedics that major incident attending the first injury they came to across is not correct. And he's good to correct this, Rob, because otherwise, we'd have had listeners

at major incidents who were lying on the floor injured, trying to crawl towards the ambulance to get up the begging. The Q jump. I heard it on Parented Hell. That was a drag. You can't go past me. I'm first. I'm first. Get back. We undergo a rapid triage system

to get resources to the most critically unwell first and then work backwards. This is until further help arrives. Oh, so I was wrong. Where have I got that from then? Furthermore, regarding the chat about emergency services, I can confirm that as my boyfriend is a firefighter, what a couple.

Oh, sexy bastards. He really has chosen the best job of the three. lives the life of Riley while also looking hot in his PPE. All the best, Nina. There you go. There's a link for educational purposes, if needed. The NHS major incident triage tool. I'd like to ask Nina, if someone's a complete knob, does it affect the triaging? Oh, that's a good question. Anonymously, have you ever, in your workplace, doesn't have to be a hospital, punished people for being awful customers and how have you done it? Have you pushed them down the queue when they've broken their collarbone. Have you spat in their porridge? Have you wiped your dick across the

CD they're buying from HMV? What have you done? Have you told them you've got none left when you have under the counter six apple tangos? But you know you want to hurt me. These references are so old. I love it. HMV. I'm remembering what it was like when I had a job, Rob. Didn't Frank Skinner say that he, when he got to hold the World Cup? Yeah, he rubbed. He wiped his dick on it? Yeah, over the top. That's mental on it. Yeah.

We've got other parents are wankers stories here. There we go. Here we go. Hello, Rob and Josh. Listening to you talk about wanky parents. And I had to share this one with you. Our daughter is in year six, so leaving primary school soon. Or stressful time.

Stressful, as we discovered, the worst thing that can happen to a human, which is hopefully putting everyone's mind at rest. Yeah. As a result, they have an end of primary play coming up. Fair enough. The children all had to audition for the part they wanted. One girl in the year was so desperate. for the lead role, she told all the other children not to audition for the part. However, another child did audition and got the lead.

Oh, here we go. Did I tell you that after my daughter's school play, there was a girl in it that was just hilarious. Yeah. About two weeks later at the end of year picnic, I saw her and I went up to her like, I was a fan and I was like, just so you know, you were incredible in the school play. Okay. And she went, and you were an incredible audience. Oh, wow.

And I thought, it's a star in the making. She's confident. She's confident, but she's got every right to be. Yeah, part of me goes, ugh. When she said it, Rob, she had that star quality. She's got the X factor. She's got the X factor. Did you feel like you had to say that because you were the comedian watching?

I actually saw her and was saying it before I knew it in the starstruck way you do when you see someone you're a fan of. Wow, okay. She must have been amazing. She was brilliant. Okay. Anyway, so the girl did get old. offered another role. This is the angry one

who didn't want anyone else to audition. Still quite a big one, whilst our daughter desperately wanted another character, but aware that she might not get it auditioned for a few, hoping to get at least one. She was over the moon

to actually get the part she wanted. In the half term, we had a message from the teacher to say that she was rewriting the script. What? And that our daughter would now be part of a duo. Oh, my word.

As the other mum had complained her daughter didn't have enough lines. That is mental. Serial killer, bitch. That is mental. I don't like calling women bitches, but sometimes I think it's okay. That is insane.

What are you doing to your child? Why are you making that matter? She complained her daughter didn't have enough lines. To add, the mum told her daughter and the school that she wouldn't go and watch it if her, oh my God. That is wild. That is wild. That is what?

She told her daughter and the school she wouldn't go to watch it if her daughter didn't get a bigger part. That is fucking insane. I wondered what sort of parent will go so far and if everyone acted that way, how would the school navigate it? The problem is, I think when you become an adult and you've got your job in your own little world, when you get too old, you sort of pick the job you like or you move on and you work with people, you forget that the world is full of such twats. That is mad. So do all these twats meet up and think that we're twats for not doing this?

Are they thinking these people don't care about their children? They're willing to accept that their child has two lines in the Wizard of Oz and then they're not. They're not going to go to war for their child. They're not willing to say that's not good enough. Look, all parents think they're doing the right thing, don't they? I suppose so. Or they will justify it in their own mind, won't they? That actually, this is fine.

Well, that's not just parents. Everyone. In their behaviour. This is the kind of thing, I think, that people don't. You know, when you talk about someone like, this isn't about politics, but it's about a general point. Most people who people think are like plotting, and they genuinely, even if they're Someone like Boris Johnson, I genuinely think he does believe he wasn't involved in that party thing.

Do you know what I mean? People are the lead role in their own movie. That is the way it is. Almost all people think they're doing the right thing. No one is going, ha ha ha, I've got an evil plan. Yeah. But do you know what I mean? Yeah, well, she's probably going, no, actually, my daughter's really talented.

She should get that role. I'm going to go to fight for her. Oh, my God. It's only year six as well. The sad thing is, Rob, you see these documentaries. about people, I'm going to say it, the Beckham documentary and his weird psycho dad who was really like pushed him and you go, this is the worst lesson because it worked.

And Tiger Woods, his dad and his behaviour. And I think what it is though, with that kind of mad parenting, George Russell was saying that his dad used to lie to about lap times when he was doing Formula One. When he was coming up as a teenager, he'd say, oh, you were four seconds of slower than them, even if he was faster to make him frustrated and try harder.

Yeah. So what you do is you create this sort of like beast of a golfer or a footballer or whatever it is they do or an actor, this unbelievable focused beast. But then what they lose is any sort of humanity. And there is a balance. Are you actually happy? Because when like Target was one stuff, is that he didn't care, he wasn't happy because he wanted to go again and again.

And then it did all seem to come out in a kind of. It's so weird. Anyway, how's this email going? And then she said, thanks always making me laugh. I discovered your pod about a year ago, listened to everyone. So it just happened. Would you have kicked back? Not ideal.

Come on back. Okay, we're tested it. I've tested it. They've done the loud bit already, have they, today? Yeah, yeah. And do you know what wrong? Yeah. If you're driven to a level of higher,

achieving professionalism like I am. That's what you get for me every day. You are on it. Every day you've protected the two hours because this is record time. I'm lazied in. I'm focused. It's time to podcast. I'm performing.

No distraction. I am Josh Whittickham, the machine. Well, look at that they've done the loud bit and we're just doing the quiet bits. Exactly. Sorry, listeners. It's absolutely a nightmare. What do you want now? I've got another parents are wankers.

I've got longest time in years doing the school run. Let's do the longest time in years. years doing the school, boomer parented to third child or not to third child, weird phobias, parenting fails, babysitting storage. We've got loads here. Just choose one at random. I didn't even know we were doing to third child or not to third child. I have no memory of that. Here we go. Nightmare names. Hi, Robin Josh. I've been working as a teacher. Oh, my God, Josh. You've got to be kidding. Well, you know, what do you mean you've got to be kidding. This is what happens when the alarm man comes. Or woman, always a man. It was a man.

I don't need to say it's stopped. Oh yeah, thanks for the head's up. Oh, my, I'm just going to go and see how it's going. I think it's working. He loves working. I've muted him. I can't take that. It's driving me crazy.

People say we should go in a studio. I don't know why. You can still do it from home. If you have to record a podcast, do not schedule the alarm man. I mean, I don't know the maths because Josh isn't here of how many hours there are in a week. but I'm only asking for two and a half just a two and a half hour window if you're all saying to the alarm people

yep I can do it but after 11.30 please that would be the normal thing to do wouldn't it? Yeah. So good news Oh yeah we've got a fault with one of our alarms so why is that good news? Well that isn't good news

I was just trying to So it's bad news Is he going to still be doing that? No he said give him one minute to put the alarm back. So this is part of the minute. Oh, right. So it could go again.

In the next minute. Within the next minute. And then he's going to stop for a bit. And then he's done. So basically he's turned up. Yeah. Disrupted your podcast, told you it's not working and left.

No, no, he's fixed it. Oh, he's just fixed it. That was in fixing it? Yeah, yeah. So there's no fault? No, there was a fault. But there isn't now. No.

But within a minute it'll be done. Yeah. Okay, lovely. This is why we shouldn't record in the studio. People love this. I love... I'd say the odd blast of the alarm, but after about three seconds, it was killing me.

Imagine being on the tube, commuting to work, and that's going off, and you're trying to just distract from life for a bit. We've got to listen to this podcast. It's great, which don't do that. You know what? This is what separates us from Stephen Bartlett.

He's not once had a fire alarm go off. I've never listened to it, but I'm guessing it never happens. It certainly never makes the YouTube clips. It never makes a thumb now. I was in between someone, stick me on there with that alarm, I'd start crying,

click me up. Davina McCall started doing the old crying ones as well now. Is she? Yeah, she's doing a podcast, people crying. Did anyone ever cried in our podcast? Do you know what? We've got them to a point,

but we're too kind and we put a joke in to try to down there. Yeah, we should just go silent and watch and weep. So, do you reckon that minute's up now and we should carry on? Yeah, the minute's silence. Here we go.

Nightmare names. Hi, Robert Josh. I've been working as a teacher at an infant school and there is a girl who has been given the very unfortunate name of, oh, this is bad. Bonnie Blue.

No. No. That's unbelievable. What? Yeah. So since the infamous adult movie style has come into the media spotlight, the little girl has now... So are surnames?

No, it's Bonnie Blue something. Oh, right. So since the adult movie star has come into the media spotlight, the little girl has now just become Bonnie. Oh, my God. I bet her parents seriously regret the choice of, oh, my, that's sorrow, isn't it? She did share her toys with over a thousand other boys at the school, though, so... She does share.

She's very good at sharing, though, so she's a good role model. God. Right, what was the other ones we had? Third child or not to third child? Warning against going for a third child, this is. We were talking about people who have more than two kids, isn't it? Right, yeah. Hi, Josh and Rob.

I was laughing to myself during your podcast about you musing, having... third kids. We were on the fence about a third prior to extending the family, but now advocate against it because we went for a scan for our third child in 2019, and we were then told that we were having triplets. Fucking Nora. I think, am I right in saying, I might be wrong, I think Jack D's a 112. So James Madison, I think,'s a two-one-two. James Madison's wife's pregnant again with twins and he's injured and he's injured yeah it's a shame there's not two

Madison's isn't it they don't top them out so they had two sets of twins and I think there might be another one in there so 1-1-3 this is this is a 1-1-3 this is a 1-1-3 so 5 in total our family went from two to five kids literally overnight I can't even work out the percentage

that's like more than a hundred percent bigger it's a hundred and fifty percent growth it's insustainable growth It's unsustainable growth. We went from two to five kids overnight. They were born just before lockdown, and we had five children under five.

That's so expensive. Yes, fucking hell. The first couple of years were insane, but actually, one thing I will say... No, no, no. Oh, it's actually quite bleak. One thing I would say is the general neglect that the triplets had.

I think neglect's too strong a word, but less attention, less attention than they had rather than the single, and babies has made them all very independent and self-sufficient. Yes, yes. That is a positive. I do think this about my son. The difference in experience he has to what my daughter had.

I mean, my daughter now had a baby by now, like baby brother, just to be clear, when she was four. But like the amount of things he gets ignored because she's there, like it is mental being a second kid compared to a first kid. Well, imagine being two-trip, being the two kids left. after triplets. Yeah, fucking out. So this lady hits us. They eat together, sleep in the same room and play together. So most times it's like having one very intense kid.

I often look down from the kitchen worktop and see that one of them can now write their name or do their buttons up and they basically had to potty train themselves. Fucking hell. It is, man. Yeah, but you're not actually parenting them at this point. I know you're just watching them exist. I get virtual high fives in instant respect wherever I go from just being the woman with five kids.

But suffice to say, my husband, Tom, had a vasectomy six months after the triplets were born. That very much is the closing the stable door after the horse has bolted, isn't it? Absolutely. So from Kirsty, Tom, Ted, Gus, Flora, Minnie and Rudy in Ultronom near Manchester. What a gang. I once bought a washing machine in Ultrium. How often do you think they get invited round as a family for a barbecue? Do you know what I was thinking?

You invite them round? No. No. They've got one very intentional. kit split into three is like as they get older they're not going to be able to sleep well they might be able to but you're probably not going to want them to sleep in the same room suddenly everything like car oh my god the car you you have to get at eight-seater your car your house your holidays everything is so complicated you're just not going on a holiday are you just staying in the

UK yeah that's seven flights well I suppose the first two years you could take three on us babies in arms oh yeah that'll be all right wouldn't it just have three children three babies on your lap. There's not enough humans to old them all. You'd have to give one to a stranger. Babies in arms, but all three on your lap. Because you're there, right? So you've got your two children that the five-year-old and a three-year-old on the plane, yeah? The five-year-olds with an iPad, right, locked in. Three-year-old, draw in, bored, wants to run around. Husband goes, I'm just going to go pop to the toilet. You've got three babies on your lap. Oh, my God. You can't have that way. Do you know what? I don't want to go to Spain.

no here we go talking of um the holidays this is the hottest you've ever been we asked for i do feel hot here actually in 2008 i flew from melbourne to sedan after a 46 hour journey what are you doing there where's sedan somewhere up how are you spelling it s u d a m oh sudan yeah yeah fine sudan where is it it's the middle east isn't it anyway after a fourth africa north africa after a 46 hour journey we were finally about to land when the captain cheerily announced lazy and gentlemen, welcome to Khartoum, where it is presently a balmy 52 degrees silks. Fucking how. It was 8am and the first day of Ramadan, which meant that most of the population couldn't

eat or drink from sunrise to sunset. Oh, my word. It's big, Sudan. I spent the next three weeks with the worst gastro, I think that's stomach bug, worst gastro of my life. She might just mean gastro pub. The worst gastro of my life. chunky chips for 36 days. I spent the next three weeks for the worst gastro of my life,

which was definitely not run as diarrhea as I could only manage to walk like a drunken elephant. Cheers. Reggie from Bula Rara, Australia. Why did Reggie go to Sudan? I've got a lot of questions for Reggie and his three weeks stint in Sudan. It's got to be for work. It must be. I reckon it might be working because they do a lot of mining in Australia.

And I think some of the outback is similar to sort of deserts. Right. That's why I think that was. Let me know. Well, not me. Let us know, Reg, Reg. Hit me with one more. Hit me with one more.

One more. Okay. Longest time doing the school, Ron? Yeah. Always good. Morning, gents. Listen to your discussions about a longest time as a parent of under 18s. My wife is the eldest of eight.

Fucking. And turns 40 this year and siblings are aged. 38, 31, 26, 23, 23, 2011. So well spaced. Therefore, in September. my mother-in-law would have spent 40 years with at least one child aged under 18 and we'll end up doing 47 years by the time the youngest is an adult, kind regards, Rob.

Fucking how. I've got no memory whether that's the best one, but that is insane. It's got to be an addiction, in it, to having babies and being pregnant or something. You can't just want that many. There must be like you get a buzz off it. What is the buzz? Being pregnant, the attention, the feeling of newness. What is it?

It's called sex. Just fucking having it. Loving sex. Remember it? It's not all just grinding in Flair's Nightclub. I'm going to kill one, Bonnie Blue, one Jenna Jameson, one Ron Jeremy,

one running out of Pongstars here, one bend over, one. Don't show too much knowledge. Imagine if I just bang out 30. Really deep cuts. Deep cut, deep cuts. Should we do our small business? Here we go.

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