Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S12 EP13: Anti-Valentines: Playground Sha*gers (Part 4)

Episode Date: February 17, 2026

More misadventures in parenting, life, and beyond with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe... Valentines weekend has been and gone. And what better way to celebrate / commiserate than one of our favourite episodes - yes it's the return of the claassic 'Playground Shaggers' correspondence. Buckle up becuase as usual there are some WILD tales contained within... Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please subscribe and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] Follow us on instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@parentinghell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries:  [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is presented by Vauxhall. So Josh, News UK have voted the new Vauxhall Frontera as the value car of the year 2025. Rightly so. And do you know why I can say that, Rob? Why? And you know this, I've test driven one. Oh yeah, and I've been test passenger.

I got to drive the Frontera. Fools. A, the tech was so good, right, that it was just simple. I felt like it was my car the moment we were moving. Yeah? We had loads of bootroom. You saw that. Oh, I had a little peek in the bus.

back. I was thinking this is perfect for a family. It was spacious. It was easy to use. And do you know what as well? No offense. I wasn't too near you. No, no exactly. There's so much space in the front. I didn't feel like I was touching you. I couldn't smell you. It was great. It's available in electric. It's available in petrol hybrid. The electric is cheaper. It is available from 23, 995 pounds. Ah, that sounds like value to me, Josh. That's great value. Great value. Top value. Do what I did, Rob. Test drive the new Vauxhall Frontera today. Discover more by searching Vauxhall Frontera online. Hello, you're listening to a very special Valentine's episode of Parenting Hell with...

Huey, can you say Rob Beckett? And can you say Josh Whittacom? Job Wittaker. Good job, buddy. Can you say parenting hell? Parenting hell. Very good. Good morning.

Rob Josh and Michael. I came across this recording on my phone from last year. How are you coming across old voice recordings? I get doing it and forgetting to send it in. Maybe she had to use it for something else. I can interview or something. Yeah. I recorded this by my then youngest Huey was just turned two.

Looking at the timestamp, I think we would have just found out we're expecting baby number three. But little did we know. It was baby number three. and four. Oh, twins. Oh, baby. Oh, double baby. We came to see Rob in Milton Keynes in May

and seeing Josh this May. You are literally the bread in our twins' shitstorm sandwich. What kind of bread are you eating? Oh, Rob. Because I'm sourdough, but on paper should be Hovis White. You should be, but you know, you've changed. Do you know what I have? I think I have.

For the better. For the better, you're in and thanking you, Rob. Can I, because also some of the... I ate my own bread. You what? You make your own bread? I've started making my own bread with the Zoe cookbook. What's the Zoe cookbook?

The little Stephen Bartlett arm patch. The arm patch is a thing you can do, but Zoe is just a way of eating that's very good for your gut. And Zoe, the patch, a Stephen Bartlett arm, the Stephen Bartlett Stone Island badge. Yeah. Is a thing that tells you what's happening to your body, apparently.

And then this is a cookbook. So what's in your Zoe bread? Oh, seeds, nuts, oatmeal. Fucking hell. Bread. Yeah, it's quite heavy. Any wheat? A little bit of rye flour.

Oh, so what would it be called if you bought it in a shop? Daylight robbery. It would be called heavy loaf. I'm not thinking for branding. I'm talking about like what actually what type of brand. I'm not trying to, it's not apprentice.

I'm not launching the product. It's not bread. It's not bread. It's very bread. No. It's heavy. You really make your life. No,

I don't because I feel better for it. Really? Yeah, it's a good snack. Why don't you just get sourdough? Sourdough's good for you. Well, do you know what I like buying, Rob? I like to get to, when I'm in London, the big smoke.

Yeah. I go to Olyenstein, the Scandinavian bakery. Do you know Olienstein? Yeah. I love Olienstein. Yeah, not for me, but yeah. Not for you. Just a bit.

I don't like that open sandwiches, rye bread. I can't stand rye bread. That brown sort of brown flakes. Right. Okay, well, I might not finish this thought then. Right. So...

Go on. What did you get from Olienstein? Rye bread. Rye bread's so sad. Oh, I love it. It's just... On my tongue, it makes you feel sad.

Do you like Ryder bread or do you just like because I get it's super healthy but it's on nice bread is it? I do like it. I do like it. I'm like charcoal. I'm going to Google. Does anyone actually like rye bread? I don't know if that's a real Google. I'll finish this while you Google that. Thank you for keeping me saying during night feeds and many prom walks and keeping being used to your sexy and relatable say yourselves. Best wishes from Erica in later

and buzzard, age 445 months, Mum to Rex, 87 months, Huey 37 months, and identical twin girls, Olive and Margo, five months. P.S. I remember laughing so much at Jack D when he said about baby three being twins.

Talk about karma. The great names, I have to say some of the best collection of names. Rex Huey, Oliver, Margo. Yeah, Rex Huey, Olive and Margo. I love Oliver. I love, she's passed away, but I loved Auntie Olive.

Auntie Olive was my dad's sister, obviously. And she was a lot older. I remember she was pretty like in her 60s, 70s when we were like little kids. And she would talk to us about like oasis. She was old but red loads and was aware of everything. knew all the pop culture references and didn't like roll her eyes and go, oh, that's rubbish music. She was very like up for new stuff.

And she was coming on a holiday with us and just sit and just drink. We go to the beach and go on days out. She just sit on the like veranda thing. and just drink wine, eat olives and crisps and read books all day. Amazing. And we'd get absolutely shit-faced. And then when she went to swimming, she couldn't swim. She was like, like, and then she'd just be in the rubber ring, bobbing around with wine.

Where are you in here? Sorry, in Spain or somewhere. Spain, in Spain. And I was probably about eight or nine. I remember me and my mum and dad were sat on the veranda watching olive in the water. She's just bobbing around drinking in the sun, loving life. And then she gets out the ring and then my mom and dad, go, oh, bless, look at her. Because she was always, like, trying new things.

and like really she was like oh look at her she's she's trying to learn to swim look at her go bloody hell nothing holds her back and then we're watching and going I think she's drowning and she just falling out of her ring she was a bit pissed

and was like flailing my dad had to jump in and get her out but we were all going oh look at her trying to swim look at her nothing can stop but love Arnie Olive great name great name but yeah I've just got this yes people absolutely love

northern and eastern Europe where it's Staple Food. It is strong and earthy and sour flavored. That's how you want to be described, is it? It's like me, strong and earthy. Yeah, it's a very unique flavour and texture. There you go. Westlands, you know, the Oval, the venue, they...

Our beloved. You know, I said it was very unique and special because it was on a residential street at the end of a coldly second, it's to an airport. They've used that in their advertising now. Have they? On Instagram. Good on them.

Happy Valentine. Day, Josh. Yeah. Any questions about what I'm wearing? You're wearing a football shirt? Yep. Guess it's themed for the episode. Hearts.

It's the Hearts centenary, I think, third shirt. Oh, wow. And the badge is in the shape of a heart. Oh, that's nice. The shape of a heart, look. That is nice. It's nice. And they might be about to break the Rangers Celtic duopoly

for the first time in probably three decades. Um, that'd be fun, isn't it? Um, Rob, lose books out. Yeah, lose books out. Buy the book that came out. Um, available to buy. Yeah. Good Valentine's present. Thanks.

But, you know, one of us has got, Rob. You know, one of us is into promo, aren't they? Um, Valentine's special. We have collected the best playground shaggers that you've sent in. If this, if you're new to this, this is stories of love triangles, affairs, lust. sex debauchery, but all playing out at the school pick up and drop off. Right, do you want to go first or shall I go first? Hello, you sexy and relatable slags.

I've been listening to your show since the beginning of time, otherwise known as lockdown. Your hilarious banter continues to get me through the trials and tribulations of parenting, my now 13-year-old son, and at times my 52-year-old hubby. My playground shaggers story is short but sweet and came to light on World Book Day, the worst of all days. A few days back, a few years back, sorry. We entered the playground that morning. Parents and pupils were greeted to the delight to Spider-Man.

Oh, no. On the school roof. Oh, also known as the head teacher. The costume didn't leave much to the imagination. On turning the corner, wearing hot pants and low-cut top, was my son's teacher dressed as Wonder Woman. I later found out that they were having an affair and their outfits had been an excuse to get their freak on during the school day.

Oh. Are you into role play, Rob? No, no. I wouldn't be able to take it seriously. No, absolutely. The thought of having to actually role play, how would this work? How does actual roleplay work in the bedroom? So Lou comes to you and she goes.

Let's change her out of it. Let's get someone else living. Okay. Well, that's the role play. Oh yeah, exactly. I'm playing. I'm playing. I'm playing.

I'm playing. So Lou goes, do you know what I've always liked the idea of? You're the driving instructor and I'm quite bad at driving. and there's only one way you to teach me. Do we sit on the edge of the bed and pretend her in a car? So you turn up and you're dressed as a driving instructor. You've got a clipboard, maybe.

So I'm in a suit with a clipboard at the end of the bed pretending to be sat next to Lou who's driving a car. I mean, trying to get all this done before one of the kids wakes up and gets in our bed is you're really pushing your luck with time. I don't think. So you'd go, turn left and she'd turn right. and you'd go,

but there's only one before it. You've been naughty. Yeah, but doesn't all role play just ascending someone's been naughty, but you're in different outfits? Turn right to my bedroom. I'm the fireman. You've been naughty.

You've not changed the batteries in your... Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah, exactly. Do you do role play? No. Have you ever? No.

Not with an ex? No. I've not even been with anyone that's brought it up. No, neither of us. I don't think anyone actually... Can you tell us, and then we can do it in the next... Do you actually do role play, and what is it you do?

I don't need to know the sex part. I'd quite like to know. I don't want the scenario. I don't want the sex part. I want the scenario. Unless it really doesn't... The sex part is really part of the role play, but I'm more interested in the chat and lead up to it.

To how that works back and fall. Let's know if you do it. Let's know if you've tried to do it and it went wrong. Yeah, ideally the second one. Not just like we do this and we're really into it. Yeah, basically, I'm just like we do this. was a fucking gladator and then I get in and then she gets on top, we fucking go for it.

Yeah, okay, mate. Thanks. Hi, Rob, Josh and Sexy Michael. Longtime listener, first time writer in her. Absolutely bloody love this section. I heard this story during a recent nail appointment and had to write in. My nail tech had recently been told about the local well-known top shagger

in his latest escapades. He was at his teenage daughter's high school parents evening. Oh. Decided to get his leg over with another mum, not his partner or ex-partner, who are also parents at the school, in the school toilets at parents' evening. Just want to run that random mum,

he checked her in the school toilet. His daughter... These people are sick. And the poor, unsuspecting husband was sitting in the hall wondering where the hell they'd got to. No. No way. What are you...

What? Please keep me anonymous. I'd like to think this kind of shit doesn't go down too often. Keeping sex-related, you pay of slags. Now, these people, they must be addicted. There must be, it must be some sort of sex addiction where the buzz is to be a naughty and the chaos of it.

Yeah. It can't just be, they really like that person. It's got to be that they just want to, like, do something. It's so, like, selfish and mad and naughty. They love being, people, Josh, people are being naughty. I hate being naughty. I'm a good boy. I don't want to be naughty.

I don't want to be fucking in a school toilets. That's not turning me on. No, not with a tiny little sinks. What's wrong with a bed? Tiny little toilets and tiny little sinks but like two fucking BFGs banging away. Oh my God. With knowing that there's people in the school hall,

I mean, obviously that's what's working for them, but... Oh, we'd have made a little look massive in there, like Jill Scott and Peter Crouch getting off, looming over those little toilets. What are you got, Rob? Right, here we go. This one's a long one. See, because what we normally get,

We're going to get short, sharp filth bag ones or we get the longer, by the way, you've gone early with a big air. Sorry. Don't apologize, don't push it down even. I'm going to stop mentioning it because if I mention it, you put it down, but I like it getting bigger. Hi Rob, Josh and Michael, love the pod,

makes me feel a lot better knowing it's not just me who can struggle to juggle parenting with three kids. I've got a playground shagger story for you. Please keep me anon. We live in a small village where everyone knows everyone and all the children go to the small school nearby. We have a lollipop man who has been the school Lollipop man since my wife was at the school.

Let's call him Mr. Pop. He's in his late 70s. Oh, no. That's not. Oh, no, not the lollipop man. His little Calipo popping out. Yeah. He's in his late 70s and everyone knows him.

We have just got a new head teacher. Let's call her Miss Jones. Early to mid 30s. Now, me and my wife have 20... That doesn't feel right. Well, we don't. don't know where it's going yet. Mr. Pop can't be banging it. He's fucking out with a lollipop. Not a 40-year age gap. What's this Mr. Pop's like?

He's using his lollipop, isn't he, rather than his dick? What? That's what it's going to happen. Miss Jones. No, I don't think the lollipop man uses a lot. It's massive. It's that fuck, it's that bigger than a frying pan, Josh. No, not the hand. So you're implying that he's putting the other end in women? Yeah, that's why it's called Mr. Pop. Yeah, that's why he's called Mr. Pop. He has a giant six foot of three dildo

with a frying pen on the end that he just goad around popping in and out He sits on the flat bit And he pops in the end bit And he's Mr Popps And he jingles up and down on the flat bit And he bounces up like a seesaw Yeah

And Miss Jones loves it Anyway We don't know that's what's happening Well we do That isn't what's happening We do know if that's happening or not That's all I can say at this point Now me and my wife of 20 years are very open-minded

and like to like to explore when it comes to the physical side of our relationship. I love you. Sexy anonymous. So this weekend, oh Josh. Have we got an email in that he's going to reply to the one we ask for? Are we about to hear about their roleplay?

So this weekend we went to a nearby city sex club. Oh, fair play. I can't believe people go to sex club. clubs. Me and Lou were in a pub the other day. We were supposed to go out of a dinner and we thought, can't be fucked.

We just order a pizza and ear and have another drink. And we did that. These people are going to sex clubs. I'd be married to 20 years. Absolutely not. No. After four Guinness, that big old fucking gassy belly.

Anyway, we went to a nearby sex club, a safe place to have fun, and far enough away, we would not know anyone. Oh, no. So we thought. No. The lollipop man and Miss Jones. Well, the problem is,

if you live in a small village and you Google local sex club, even if it's 30 minutes away, anyone else that wants to go to that sex club, that's still their nearest one. Yeah, exactly. Me and my wife, I bet it's some world weird sex clubs near Exeter. Why near Exeter?

Because you're all, it's all a bit like... You live in London? No, no, no, but what I'm saying is, London, it'll be like everything, because it's a capital city, but exit will be those sort of, I think, quite weird sort of like, hippie ones.

Yeah, well, Totness, might. A lot of hemp. A lot of hemp. A lot of hemp and sort of like... Hemp burn. Like women with dreadlocks and just sort of flowy dresses where their nipples are pointing out and then really grungy looking men. That's what I think of and I think of Devon.

Are you thinking of me? No, I'm not, I don't think you'd enjoy a sex club. No, I wouldn't. I just find it too intense. Anyway, me and my wife were enjoying all the club had to offer. So, look, I want to know. Rob, chill out, man. No, but I want to know what they're doing in there.

What does that all it has to offer? There's just sweating everywhere. They're just having sex of different people. It's just sweat and there's body parts and no one knows where one person begins and another person ends. Can this person that's messaging, because we get into a really good playground shaggers, can you let us know what your rules are in the sex club? I'd be interesting to know what this couple's rules are. There's no rules, right?

There are rules. You have to have boundaries in sex clubs. Life's about rules, but when we come in here, anything goes. So they're enjoying what the club is. I'm really, this is great. Enjoying what we had. Do you know what the fuck you? Our little frying pan long stick dildo might happen with these sex club people.

Anyway, the only room we hadn't experienced was the daddy room. Oh my word. Being inquisitive, we entered the room where we locked eyes with Mr. Pop. Oh man. The daddy. And Miss Jones. Oh, my God. We froze.

And then my wife shableness. That's the worst thing you can shout at a sex club. When they froze was that because he was holding up his lollipop, she told him to stop. Hey, stop in the daddy room. I've still got my stick. No walking. She said, fuck.

Miss Jones started to shout and apologize as we quickly close. You're nothing to apologize for. No. You're in a sex club. She's fucking and sucking. She's in with Mr. Daddy, Mr. Pops in his 70s and she's going for it. As we quickly closed the door and legged it, me in a pair of shorts and my wife still in her underwear,

run straight out the front door, legged it to the car and bolted. No. Look, let's still a bit more. Let's break this down. You are the new headmistress or head teacher of a school. You're in your... Oh, did you see?

She's in 30s, early to mid 30s? I think she must know the daddy from before. Well, because even if you are into 70-year-old men, I'm sure a 30-year-old woman can find another 70-year-old man that doesn't do the school crossing at a new job. I wonder whether he's helped her get the job. Look, I don't show me doorstep, only people's chests if they ask nicely.

So do you think, yeah, that's what I'd like to know. So they've run out to the car in their shorts and their underwear. And they've gone. Question first, where's the keys? Well, I don't know, probably just keyless in it, little, but beep, you can have an app on your phone these days. Anyway, they've run out the door. Monday came, who's she?

Oh, bit of fun. Bit of fun. Monday came and Mr. Pop was not helping the children over the road. And that morning, the children had an assembly saying Miss Jones was off for the foreseeable future. No, that's a shame. That's a shame. By Thursday, an email sent out to the parents say Ms. Jones had handed in her notice, and Mr. Pop decided to finally retire.

We never saw Miss Jones again. and Mr Popp is now retired and living his life in the village. She's quit her job over that. That's sad. We don't know what was happening in that room. Wow. So what's going on in the daddy room? The way I look at it is,

yeah, she's thinking that these two people are going to tell everyone what they saw, but these two people may not want everyone to know they're in a sex club either. Also, what are you telling people? Because that's, I think that's unfair. I'd be like confident they're not going to tell everyone. I'd contact them and go, look, what's going on it? Miss Jones. Come back, Miss Jones.

Miss Jones. Yeah. Miss Jones is such a fake surname, by the way. Yeah, yeah. These people said, what do we learn from this? Never go to a sex club in the nearest city to your house. Stay safe. Thanks to you both for keeping me entertained while I walk to work from Anonymous.

Anonymous, I want two things. One, what are the rules when you and your wife go to sex club? And secondly, what was happening in? The daddy room between Mr Pop and Miss Jones, because I think that will give more context to the story. You don't need to be specific, but was it... No, I want you to be completely 100% specific, and we'll decide what goes in.

Oh, she'll decide what goes in. Yeah, puns o'clock. That was a good one, that, Josh. I'm quite exhausted after them. I feel sad for them, because they're just getting on with their lives. Mr. Pop, he's having it off. He's in his 70s. He's getting his leg over with a 30-year-old boss.

He's nailing knife. It's Miss Jones, I thought. Life's not the only thing he's nailing. Searchlight Pictures presents In the Blink of an Eye on Hulu on Disney Plus, a sweeping science fiction drama spanning the Stone Age, the present day, and the distant future,

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Hi Rob Josh Michael. My best friend's mum was taking me home from a play day at a house one day when we were in primary school and she said, Sarah, are these your hair clips? I found them in the car. Me and my friend looked at each other and replied quite instantly. No, they looked like Miss Orchards. No.

Turns out my best friend's dad A governor at our primary school was having an affair with our year four teacher. And we'd accidentally revealed the affair and the cold friend. Oh, my word. I wonder why Miss Orchard had such clear hair clips. Such an idiosyncratic taste in hair clips that she... But kids really, really... So my daughter that got a teacher and she said so about...

Miss... I wouldn't say a name. She always wears a shirt. And I was like, oh yeah, she does always wear a shirt, actually. She's got like a bit of a uniform, like a shirt and trousers and shoes. And then she was like, oh, she always has this same mug without and these types of earrings. Like, when you're, A, it's like the most, one of the most important people in your lives is your teacher. You're with them, six, seven hours a day, every day, apart from your parent. And then sometimes if you go to preschool clubs, after school clubs, have a childminder, your parents are at work.

You know, teachers can have such an impact on you. Yeah. Miss Orchard, you, well, both of them are dirty dogs. Yeah, you dirty dogs. Right, I've got another long in here. Here we go. Okay. Hello, gents.

I like hello gents. Yeah. It feels formal. I've got a great workplace, Shaggar's story from years ago when I worked in Sangebury's. But please keep me anonymous, as we still know one of the people involved, although it's never spoken about. Oh, no. Years ago, when I was young and naive 16-year-old working in the checkouts, I worked for a manager who was a good-looking bloke in his early 20s that got a lot of attention. And one girl caught his eye, worked in the cash office.

The checkouts manager's job was to work with cash office staff at the end of each day when the store was closed to count on the cash and deposit in the safe. The cash office was a sealed and secured room with no windows and you needed special keys to get in. Not long after I joined, the cash office girl mysteriously left with no explanation and any questions on where she was were quickly shut down. After weeks of speculation, we eventually learned that she and the checkout manager were both working one night and after counting the cash, got a bit carried away in the privacy of the cash office. Oh no. Having a cheeky shag in the cash office would have been fine and gone unnoticed until the following day when a discrepancy was found in how much cash was in the safe

versus what was expected. Oh no, no, no, no, no. So they had to look back at the video. The store manager had to get involved, and this is when I should mention that the cash office had about six cameras in it covering all angles for security. All angles is not the phrase you want, is it? It's a great name for a polno, though.

Yeah. And it's like a professor with a Pythagoras theorem in his pocket. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's trying to teach these students. So it could be a sexy female professor and all these sort of horny lads. And she's trying to teach him about Pythagoras. It ends up just shagging them at all different angles. Yeah, yeah, lovely, Rob.

Great. Do you want to make it? No. It's new media now. We don't need, you know, we can just grab a camera. Just lie with a ring light. No, no pun. All the characters can be called Sin, Coz and Tan.

Yeah. That's a math's joke. Sin also is quite a good name for a character and a porno, isn't it? The store manager loaded up the footage from the night before to see if anything could explain the issue, only to find footage of his staff members going at it on top of the day's takings. On top of the takings. I reckon like 30 quid's been stuck to an ass. That's cold.

It's uncomfortable. The cash office girl resigned out of embarrassment and the checkout manager was sacked not long after. After that, the end of the day count had to be witnessed by three people. I bet it did. That's the sequel. That's the sequel, sorted for our new film. All angles covered and covered again.

Oh, that's a bit of fun, isn't it? Yeah. It is a great. Right, do another one. Yeah. Please keep me anon. Someone from a kid's primary school had the horror of not one, not two, but four playground shagga conquest.

at the same school gates. One was his ex-girlfriend who went on to have kids with, which calls a breakup with his then actual girlfriend. So he had a girlfriend. Yeah. And a kid at the school. Yeah.

With his girlfriend. And then his ex-girlfriend was also at that school. So he had an affair of her and then ended up having a kid. Oh, no. Then one with his ex-wife that was also at the school. Oh, my God. And one was a married mom.

He had an affair with. everybody knew. Oh, my God. One was a single one. One was a single mum. He dropped the married mum like a brick for when she appeared on the scene, and it obviously didn't last. Oh, my God.

He's also taken his new girlfriend to school fates. So in total, five conquests have been in the same vicinity at the school fate. Oh, my God. Imagine turning up to the school fate of your new girlfriend, knowing that you've had sex with four of the other women and kids with two of them, or at least one. That's mad, isn't it? He's always lived locally, though, so there could have been more potentially.

Jesus. I can't. Josh, the thought of going to a school fate just with my wife and two children and I've had sex with no one else there feels with horror. The fact, imagine going and there's four women. Yes, that is also... He's nearly had sex with more women in that school than I've had sex with women. It's not like... It's not like a school fate isn't a thing.

generally bring a plus one to anyway. Do you know what I mean? It's not like you go, oh well, yeah, I've got to take her because it's a wedding. Do you know what I mean? It's like, do you want to come to the school fate? No, of course not. I'm a grown adult. I'll see you afterwards. Like there's no need to take your girlfriend to a school fight. He enjoys it, though, doesn't he's getting off on it? That's what it is. They're getting off on it, aren't they these sickos? Yeah. For me and Louis, it would be like, well, I'll do the school fate and then you can do the Christmas fate and then we've only had to do one each. Yeah, exactly. sick fucks.

Sick fucking weirdos. Fucking dirty fucking bastards. Didn't like him. Smelly, dicked, horny bitches. I'm talking about men there. Yeah, yeah, just to be clear. Dear Josh Rob and producer Michael. That was one sentence.

That wasn't smelly dick, dirty bitch. It was talking about men. Yeah, yeah. That man was a smelly dick, dirty bitch, not smelly dick, dirty bitches. I wasn't calling the women. He was the bitch. Just make that clear.

Be clear. I'd hate to be a rapper, because every lyric I'd have to explain myself. Luckily, I don't think it'll come up. After years of listening. I don't like being boxed in. You don't. I'm glad to finally have something relevant to share

with this school guard shagger story from 10 years ago. While on a field trip, a group of students from my school stole a teacher's phone. Oh, no. That is so naughty. Like, of all the things to steal,

your teacher's phone. and found, I don't know how they've unlocked it, a photo of her naked with another teacher. Oh, my. Oh, my God. How old are these kids? Imagine a teenage boy finding a photo of your teacher naked. Did you have any crushes on your teachers at school?

There was a few you fancied, wasn't there? Of course. Because when you actually look back and you think about it, you think, of course there was, because a lot of them were in their 20s and 30s, weren't they, teachers, generally? Yes. They're on the younger side. That's a history.

teacher was quite fit, but there was none that I was really... There was none that I was, like, obsessed with, but there was fit teachers. Also, as well, like, when you're sat in maths, someone has to be just only slightly attractive for you to just be distracted by that, you know what I mean? Because also, you're a horny teenager. Oh, yeah, and I was. I quite miss that innocent days of just sitting in maths fancying the teacher. What's his name again?

Ah, this is good stuff. Is it good stuff, though? No, it's awful, isn't it? It's quite problematic. I mean, probably it'd be bad, but it was a man, it doesn't matter. I don't leave it in, and quick, we're owning it, we're understanding it. Well, you aren't. I was a reflex reaction to the pressure of trying to be funny under a time constraint.

And you know what? I failed there. But some people might laugh at that or rolled their eyes, but I regret it. While on a field trip, a group of students from my school stole a teacher's phone. Oh, yeah, we've done this. What made this even more shocking is that the other male teacher was known to be in a relationship with a different teacher at the school. Oh my God.

Despite the teacher whose phone it was, threatening the kids being expelled if they told anyone, which is why I'd like to be kept anonymous as I'm still a bit scared of her. The story, of course, quickly spread through all the children, of course. I mean, she can't really get them expelled because they've got too much on her. No, but also that, no, look,

you're allowed to be in a relationship with other school teachers. I think that's fine, as long as you're not doing it under school property. That's her phone. private phone's been taken. She's allowed to have naked photos of on her own phone. She's not sending it anywhere. That's fine.

The kids need to be told off. Have you got naked photos of you and Lou on your phone? No, but I'm into self-developing film. So I've got a dark room and I dip them in the water like a serial killer and then hang them up on a little thing. And then, mate, my face is obscured, but you know it's my body. Yeah, yeah, of course. And it's just the back of Lou.

Yeah. That's our boundaries that I have. I can take and develop naked photos of Lou just from behind and on a slight angle, never full frontal. Yeah. And it works for us. It works for you. How about you?

No. But do you know what? I heard recently. Yeah. On the dating scene now, on the apps. For our age group or for younger people. For our age group. Right.

People are just sending nudes forward and back. that is just the done thing. I think, yeah, that feels... Bleak? Yeah, I don't, yeah, I... I wouldn't be comfortable with it. No, I wouldn't mind receiving them, but I don't want to send them.

No. If someone really wanted to send them to me, I'd gratefully receive them. I wouldn't... You're a gentleman. I wouldn't go, hey, I'm above that. Stop it. I go, yeah, thank you.

Yep. Thumbs up. All the best. Take care. Humbs up emoji. Thumbs up, there you go. Great one. Or a little okay, like great.

Lovely lighting. Lovely lighting. Ring light. But yeah, I don't want to send my boners on photo. No, I just don't. I just don't. Also, I just think, you know, no, I don't want to be too negative. But I don't look at my naked body and think people need to see this.

me to win them over. Exactly. I look at my naked body and think, I need to win them over before they see this. Exactly. Exactly. And then hopefully they're too far into back out. Yeah.

Is that euphemism? Hey, if you're at the gym a lot and you've got a hot bar, share it. You're right. Oh, Mike. I think if I was single, I know we do this a few times, but like say we were on the dating scene and everyone's happy and you're like,

forget all the baggage of breaking up with someone. I think I would be so, direct to the point it might put people off where I basically would just go, hello, look, you seem all right, and just bullet points. I like this, don't like that, did it? And like, I don't think I would do the thing I did with my 20s where I'd sort of put up with stuff I didn't like because I felt like I should. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I don't know if that would be. Yeah, that got you into one bad relationship that you've had to stick with. So let's not find yourself. Right. No, I think me in lieu have grown and evolved, which is the sign of a healthy relationship. I think if you both, it's problematic if one stopped still and the other one goes too far the other way, but I feel like we're sort of on the same path

and then crossing on off, where some people just go completely opposite ways. They do. Should we finish this email? This is exciting. Oh, sorry. I just wonder how you'd date, but we couldn't speak like that after.

I don't think I would. No, you'd just go on your own for a bit. Genuinely, don't think I could face it. I've got a friend. I don't think this is speaking out of turn, because I won't name him. So he's divorced. with one kid and they've got shared custody, right?

So he's doing three and a half nights a week basically, right? Yeah. And he just said to me, I can't, I get three nights to myself a week. I don't want to waste them on going for a drink with a stranger. I just can't face it. I'd just rather just enjoy being a parent and live my life than spending a spare time trying going to chase it down if you know what I mean. But how about if one night a week, you didn't go for a drink with a stranger,

you just met up with a stranger, went around to her flat and had sex with her and then left with a handshake and everyone was fine with that. Well, he might be doing that. He didn't tell me that. Because I think that's the route I'd go down until the Belgium about 18. You'd just be shagging no strings attached. Yeah, no strings attached. Yeah, unless it's a puppet tree.

Right. It's a story, of course, quickly spread through all the children. I'm not sure if it ever reached any of the teeth. However, the male teacher in question did leave the school very shortly afterwards. While both female teachers stayed, I never saw them speak with each other during the rest of my time there. I know you're not going to... You're looking for that, aren't you? How often does a teacher speak to another teacher?

So is this the photo one still? Yeah. God. So they left. I know we have spoken for a long time there, aren't we? I've completely forgot what we were talking about. I thought we finished that last year. Thank you for the countless hours, blah, blah, blah.

Oh, they're not really nice. It's weird that we can't read out the positive nice things people say about us. I don't think people want to hear that, do they? You don't need AI agents, which may sound weird coming from service now, the leader in AI agents. The truth is, AI agents need you. Sure, they'll process, predict, even get work done autonomously. But they don't dream, read a room, rally a team, and they certainly don't have shower thoughts, pivotal hallway chats, or big ideas. People do.

And people, when given the best AI platform, they're freed up to do the fulfilling work they want to do. To see how ServiceNow puts AI to work for people, visit servicenow.com. I want you. The Hyundai-Alantra hybrid inspires a special type of love, the type that makes you slow down and enjoy the ride. With best-in-class fuel efficiency and a best-in-class new car warranty, it's made for the long run. wherever the road takes you next. Because some relationships are built to go the distance. It's that Hyundai-A-Lontra type of love.

Hello, you pair of parenting, heart throbs. Please keep me anonymous. I've got a playground shaggar story from a Sixth Form that still makes me chuckle to this day. A couple of years ago, I worked at Sixth Form as part of a team of student support workers. Basically, we were the go-to for all the student problems and dramas whilst also having weekly group sessions with the students.

One woman on my team, now in her 50s, had a great time being free and single in the 90s and early 2000s. She always lived and dated men in the area and it had never led to any problems or awkward encounters for her until one September. When we were given the details of our new students and to her horror, she realized she had slept with not one, not two, but three of the kids' dads in the groin. Oh my God. That is mental. Well, that's the problem, isn't it? Because, you know, you think, oh, 18 years ago, I was with him what could possibly, and then all of a sudden,

she was mortified, but we all found it hilarious. It didn't help that one of the students was a real pain, and she often had to ring the dad. She'd previously shagged to discuss his child's behaviour. She would always say that when the student was being particularly hard work, she would have to stop herself from saying, well, I've shagged your dad and he was shit. What an outburst.

That would stop an angry 18-year-old in their tracks, wouldn't it? Would you rather your dad be good at sex or shit at sex? I don't. I don't. Yeah, exactly. I don't think... I don't think... I don't think that was shit.

Is the problem really there, is it? I just think it's really hard to be shit or amazing. Most people just deeply average and get the job done, wouldn't you say? Well, I don't know about you, but I... I like to push things. You pride yourself on your... I listen to a high-performance podcast, Rob. Yeah.

I take notes on board and I think about self-improvement. What's one of your non-negotiables? What in sex? Yeah, yeah. One of your non-negotiables? Take your clothes off. Yeah, I don't want to be doing it through the flyhole of a gene. Exactly, yeah.

That's non-negotiable. Not with that YKK zip on the side of the shaft. I am one of those people that I wake up at 5 a.m. For sex? I'm one of those five out. No, no, just because I'd sleep quite badly. Oh, right, but that's something to be sexy. Just get up early?

Yeah, yeah, I just get up early. And you're still on the mattress on the floor? Yeah, yeah. Happy Valentine's. Happy Valentine's. Happy Valentine's, one and all. Keep being sexy, relatable, anonymous. P.S., can I thank you for being so honest about mental health challenges

and your coping mechanisms is helpful for many to hear. Thank you very much. Anon. Hi, lads. Keep me anonymous. Always. Everyone's anonymous in this section. When I was training to be a teacher,

there was a year five girl in my placement class. A couple of months later, a new boy joined and they quickly became boyfriend and girlfriend or as much as you can at that age. Hand holding. Bit harsh. Oh, year five, year five, sorry. I was thinking...

Fifth year. Yeah, fifth year. Sorry, year five, so she's ten. Don't have a go at them because they're just holding hands. Yeah, yeah. What do you want them to be doing, just getting off of each other in geography? Just absolutely just hung in at the back.

You sicker. After a couple of weeks, it transpired that the new boy was actually the girl's half-brother. Oh, no. Turns out the boy's dad had had an affair and sighed another child. Obviously, none of the children or mothers were aware of this, and the boy had been told his dad, I died. This is awful. So she's had an affair and had a kid and just told her kid that dad's dead. Well, she might not have had an affair.

The dad's had an affair. I don't know. She might have been single. She's told her son her dad's dead But isn't it's just living about two roads away Once they started going to the same school It all unraveled and everyone found out Oh no I don't like this

This is horrible Imagine finding out your girlfriend is your sister And your dad's alive on the same day Oh my God this poor kid's 10 It's a difficult card to buy someone isn't it Congratulations on your new girlfriend Slash sister slash new alive dad Oh my God

Oh my God That is so horrendous Luckily, they're only 10, so nothing untoward had happened. True. No, that's the, that's the shining light from the stories of the two 10-year-olds didn't have sex that are siblings. What a fucked-up story where the highlight is the two 10-year-olds fucking related didn't have sex.

What the fuck is this, happy valentines. Happy Valentine's. I think it was gone too far. That was fucking wild. That is insane. What part of that is, you know, obviously the half-prudence thing, fine because they're 10, it doesn't matter. Why on a, look, you've had an affair.

Just say, you've got to just say that, oh my God, I'm sorry. That is never going to work out well, is it? The best thing to do here is fess up and be a good dad to both children. Absolutely, but he's a wrongan, agreed. However, she's still capable to go, you do have a dad, that's your dad. But unfortunately, he doesn't want to have an age ship with you, which is a horrific thing to take to a child, but you're going to have to say that at some point to the child.

I can't say he's dead because also, yeah, you're right, the kid's going to want to know more in the long term. Or you say that you do have a dad and his name's so-and-so and stuff for that, but he's not around at the moment. Yeah. And then, I know. It's interesting that the 10-year-old boyfriend, girlfriend thing, smoked him out, isn't it?

Because you'd have thought, by the point you've said, just tell him I'm dead, that you're pretty much. Like, what adults, Josh, what adults are sat around the table going, oh, you got to feel that bloat now you're pregnant? So what are you going to do? Is he going to be involved in the baby?

No, he said he wants nothing to do with the baby. What are you going to do then? I'll just tell her, tell the baby he's dead. Oh yeah, that's a really good idea. Well, it might be his idea. Well, even so, she's going along with it. Stop protecting women. The man's an arseal and the woman's made a terrible decision.

He's the worst. because he was married and he's not being involved. The mum is the one bringing another child. I'm not anti-women, but I do think this lady has made the wrong choice. And he is the worst one out of it. Agree, but she can't make that choice, whether he's involved or not.

That's mental. Oh, imagine me and the kids. Oh, poor things. It makes me sad. Yeah. When was this? Stuff I was who to help? Well, you should send him a tenor.

Would that help? Do you want to come to the Woking show and have a photo a half time. That's all I can do. Some people like that. Don't know if it'll help. No, those Woking shows are always a bit sticky as well. Woken's great gig.

Do you not like Wokin? Gilford's the difficult one. Oh, I don't mind Gilford. I think it's underrated. The G-Live? I think the G-Live's got a much worse reputation than it deserves. Wokin, G-Live's harder gig than Wokan. Wokin's fun. Wokin's the good they're up for it in Wokin.

Hello, please keep me anonymous. When I was 16, I was going out with a boy, let's call him Jack. But when it became obvious to him, that I was going to dump him. He tried to entice me back by writing songs about me. Oh, no. Which he played for me in his bedroom

while sat on the end of the bed cringing. While I sat on the end of the bed, you're my sister, my dad is dead. Come to me, let's go to bed. Don't bad. Don't be shy while you're going red. Don't have dread. I've fucked it.

Run out. I should have quit all the head. Yeah. Oh, there go. Oh, there's a ro. Oh, God. Look at that. Subconsciously you brought it back round.

Look at that. writing me love letters right it wasn't a long distance relationship but seeing each other did involve a short train journey so when i finally got the bottle to dump him i thought great have a nice life see you never again i was wrong fast forward 10 years i go back to uni to retrain as a barrister and on my barristers there's another lady my age let's call her jill me and jill get along really well and eventually she adds me on facemac face mac face mac it's because he's called jack That sounds like a made-up one on Grandf's daughter. Ah. She adds to me on Facebook.

I see she's married to Jack. Oh. Because that's the thing, really. If you both have the same boyfriend at a point, you're probably going to be quite similar people. Yeah. That's a weird thing about X, isn't they? I bring this up and mention several times

that I've had sex with their husband. It's all a fun laugh between friends. No, don't bring that up. Everyone knows that. You don't need to bring that up. Well, they're having a laugh about it. My husband and I live in a very barrister heavy area. Okay.

Where's that? Well, I live in a very doctor heavy area because there's a hospital nearby. So maybe it's like near a court or something. Oh, right. Got you. And then when Jill qualifies and the big bucks start rolling in, her and Jack move closer to us, which is great. Just four friends having a laugh.

Oh, what's going on here? No. Just four friends having a laugh together. Yeah. We have kids at the same time. the girls get on really well and everything is lovely. One day we get a phone call from the school, our girls go to. They've had a huge falling out in a physical fight.

We have horrified so they've always been such good friends. Turns out when playing at our house recently, oh no, the girls have been lurking through a box of old shite and found the love letters Jack wrote to me almost 20 years ago. She's still got them? Obviously they aren't correctly formatted and don't include the date. so the girls assume that Jack and I are having an affair. Oh my God. How old are the kids, did it say?

I don't know. They must be quite old, mustn't they, to be able to read the letters and stuff. Well, I mean, once it gets explained to them, it'll be funny.

They're both devastated to learn that their families are falling apart and take their rage out in each other by kicking, and hair pulling. Oh. We explain the situation to the head teacher and also eventually to our girls

and all is resolved, but there isn't anything quite as undignified as having to tell your child's head teacher that you aren't having a fair, but you were a top shagger age 16. That was good. I love that. Just a bit lighter after the... Oh, God, that was horrible.

Good dad. Bit of levity. If you've got any more, send them in. We're going to do another special, aren't we, later in the year, I imagine. Yeah, what should we do it for? Summer? Summer? Summer.

So, we do it for... Should we do it start the summer holidays? We should do... What about we should do one for the start of, like, Easter holidays? Yeah. I don't know why I've said that I'm just right now It's quite soon, isn't it?

But they'll be fine I'm happy to do one every two months Keep them coming in Yeah, we'll think of a day Father's Day, Mother's Day Mother's Day and Father's Day is a good one to do Mother's Day is very near Valentine's Day Isn't it?

Which I think is unfair And then I think it's unfair June is Father's Day Because Rose's birthday is in between them as well It's an absolute treble slam of a Things to remember I'm fucked because my father's day

he's like always lose birthday. Oh yeah. Life's shit. Then you die. Life shit. That's fine. I'm over it. Hi Rob,

Josh and Michael. Please give a small bit of shout out for my good friend Susie. After listening to the pod and hearing that Rob has a Whipit, it prompted me to drop this email to you. Whip It Out Clothing Limited was founded in 2024. Oh, yes, please.

Perfect from playground shaggers. Susie Newsom whipping out. A whip it racer from Worcester. Susie is heavily involved in the pedigree Whipit racing world. The business grew from filling a gap in the market for racing jackets for Whippets which progressed onto the light-cruit racing vests and then walking out coats and fleece onesies. The unique thing about Whip It Out is that it is a fully bespoke made-to-measure service to ensure the best fit for the deep, chested, skinny waste of the sighthound.

Whip-out clothing specialises in sighthounds but does also cater for any breed of dog from Dobermans to Chihuahuas. That's Cheryl in Worcester saying whip it outclothing.com. Wighton. H-I-P-P-E-T out clothing. There you go. They do need the fucking pathetic whip it. They always need a coat. Hi, Rob, Joshua Michael. I love the podcast and been listening since the very beginning.

Never stop. I'm writing to share a small business shout-out for my dad. In 2025, in his 50s, he took the brave step of turning his hobby of camper van conversions into a full-time business. Bliss conversions was born, and we're all incredibly proud of him and his success rose so far. based in Stowmarket, Suffolk, Bliss works on any van and specialises in upgrades such as solar panels, leisure batteries, charging systems, lining, heating and more. For anyone interested in getting in touch, please visit his website.

That's at blissconversions.co.com. Keep it sexy and relatable. All right, bye. Put my shoes on. Parenting Hell listeners, recognise that voice? Yes, it's Josh Whitickam here. I have got a new podcast, Josh Whitickham's museum. of pop culture. And I'm going to say it. I'm about 85% sure you're going to love it. Here

are the reasons why. Number one, I'm confident if you're listening now, you don't hate me and possibly think I'm funny. Number two, I'm confident if you're listening now, you like podcasts. Number three, I'm confident if you're listening to me and Rob, you prefer pop culture to people talking about things, let's be honest, boring things like history, economics or politics. I know I do, and that is why I made this podcast. I wanted a show that tells the stories I love popular culture in the way other podcasts do for drier topics. See above. Basically, I wanted a podcast that realized Millie Vanilli were more interesting than Elizabeth

the first. Join me as I give the definitive, or at least the funniest, takes on Mr Blobby. When Ghost Watch convinced BBC viewers, ghosts were real, when a band burned a million pounds for a laugh, the Spice Girls, a truly catastrophic Spider-Man musical with music from you too, and David Haslehaw, Baywatch, and his part in the fall of the Berlin Wall. All of them are real, by the way. Either you know what these things are and you're about to learn far more about them than you ever realised you wanted to, or you don't,

and you're about to be introduced to some of the maddest things in modern or ancient history. Stiffnecks will learn, loose necks will laugh. New episodes available every Wednesday and Saturday. Perfect to fill those gaps between your weekly doses of parenting hell. So go on, you might as well listen, subscribe and follow wherever you get your podcast now. Museum of Pop Culture with me, Josh Whitakum, available everywhere from the first of Henry.