Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S12 EP29: Beckett's Crude Retort

Episode Date: April 13, 2026

More misadventures in parenting, life, and beyond with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe... in this episode we go through some of your listener emails and messages. And for those of you who like kittens, Josh spends the whole ep stroking one like a Bond villian. **Please note: this episode was recorded earlier this year before Josh's ski holiday!** ⁠⁠Parenting Hell⁠⁠ is a Spotify Podcast, new video episodes available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please subscribe and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] Follow us on instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@parentinghell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It's never too early to plan your summer story in Europe with WestJet, from rolling countryside to cobblestone streets. Begin your next chapter. Book your seat at westjet.com or call your travel agent. WestJet, where your story takes off. Okay, when I sell my business, I want the best tax and investment advice. I want to help my kids, and I want to give back to the community. Ooh, then it's the vacation of a lifetime.

I wonder if my head of office has a forever set. An IG Private Wealth advisor creates the clarity you need with plans that harmonize your business, your family, and your dreams. Get financial advice that puts you at the center. Find your advisor at IDPrivatewealth.com. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Hey Beckett, baby. Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Can you say Josh Whidicom?

John McGoo. Is that a funny name? You want to say again? You want to try again? Josh, where to come? Definitely. There we go. Loving life, that guy.

I'm a huge fan and recommend your pod to all my parent friends. Here's my then four-year-old saying your highly amusing names. Yes, his name is Beckett. And we live in Hong Kong. His first name's Beckett? Yeah. Okay. What'd you make of that?

Honored? I think that might be an American thing. I'm originally from Bulkington near Coventry. Oh, that's a Coventry. country thing. Thanks for last Annette. It's me at the fucking gym, mate. That's where I go to the gym, Bulkinton.

Getting those gains. Just signed up to an AI fitness coach. Oh my word. What does that mean? Well, I had a guy Toby who was really good, but you had to check in with him and then like fill out of form.

And he was really good. He's really, really good if you have got a strict schedule and then you can commit to it. But I can't really. But what's good about the AI thing is, well, I don't know yet. I've just literally haven't started it yet. but you can tweak it.

You can think about the AII is. There's not a humour at the end of it that can judge you. That's what I've enjoyed about it so far. Can you hear that banging? No, they might have been banging in my... I heard someone. No, no. It seemed to sound like the other end of our house.

Do you ever have that in the middle of the night? You just hear like something fall off something. And it's like, it's scary and think, oh God, I might get burgled. But it's probably just a kid knocking something off the side because... A kid? It terrifies you. Well, no, like, you know, like, you know, how messy the kids' rooms are,

where sometimes they've got a book on the bed, and then they roll up in the book, I mean, you wouldn't know everyone's in your bed, but I'm saying, when the children are in other rooms. Yeah, if we hear sound in any other room of the house, it's absolutely terrifying to us. Well, it's still terrifying to it like us,

but I'm like, I just go, oh, it's probably something's falling off the kid's bed. I was in the sitting room last night, reading, in silence, and... I mean, I mean, who reads, not in silence? No, no, no, but I could hear in the... the kitchen. Right.

It sounded like the tap kept being turned on and off, and I thought... Oh, Noel Edmonds is haunting your house. If Noel Edmunds haunting my house, yeah. He's mad that you bought Noel Edmund's old house and did a whole first episode about Mr. Blobby for your new podcast. It's really weird. Yeah. He's a 90s TV phenomenon and your excessive 90s TV ended up buying his old house.

That is fucked up. That's so weird, isn't it? No, no. Well, Funkta was a bit aggressive, but that is really weird. Or do you think it's sort of like an osmosis thing where did it turn you on a bit knowing that N.E. owned it? No. There was a daily mail article about us buying it. Oh, was there?

It actually quoted you, Rob. What did I say? What was our life come to that we're in a national paper? I know. It said, like, obviously from the podcast, it said, it was quite dismissive of you saying something like, you made a horse joke or something because it said that you were in the same house that Noel Ebond's used to wank in was the quote.

Yeah, yes, but I wasn't asked by the journalist to provide a quote on your house move. It was a throwaway comment in an entertainment comedy podcast where the goal is to make people chuckle. So I'd suggest I didn't hold a press conference. I tell you what I didn't click on, Rob.

These 600 comments. Oh, no one needs 600 comments about their life and house. Well, I can't remember your quote was. Speaking on the Parenthood podcast, I'm going to have told Philip, Beckett teased him with a crude retort. A crude retort.

And Beckett teased him with a crude retort that he had moved to a house that Noel Edmonds had had sex in and he'd wanked in there. Should we do some emails? Should we do some emails, Rob? Well, yeah, there's been a lot of feedback from you and now.

Not announcing, but you telling everyone that you're going on a ski holiday. And Beckett's crude retort that all the snow looks like spunk. Yeah, it's just going to fucking jizzle over the fucking hills. The king of the crude retort. The king of the crude retort. I'll just go loads of crude retorts. Good luck getting down that sloping fucking jizzle of your skis. Yeah.

Two holes which are like dicks that you're holding. You're having fucking metal fucking rods. two throbbing cocks in your hand you fucking wipe your dirty little asshole swinging it from side to side down the hill getting the little stick between your fucking thighs

as you fucking ram it up your ass to drag you up the slope your dirty fucking skiing bitch Robert Beckett retorted So if I die on this ski holiday They'll probably use those quotes Before Josh went on the trip Beckett crudely retorted

I love a crude retort. Anyway, people have got in touch, Josh, about your sex holiday. Sorry, ski holiday. Ski advice for Josh. I was listening to episode three, the wills have come off, really laughing out loud on the train at the ski holiday conversation, and Josh not really taking on board what Rob is saying. Yeah.

No, no, can I correct you? I've taken it on board and chosen to ignore it because I can't deal with it. I think you've filed that under. That is a problem, but I haven't got the capacity to deal with it at this moment. Exactly. Exactly. You're a good reader of people. I'm just going to sit in the chalet and rip the head off it.

Sorry, I've got to stop the crude stuff. Rob is 100% right. Ski holidays are not fun. I think, no, they are fun. It wasn't the direct quote. No, I think ski holidays can be fun, but it's, there's a lot on the line to, you've got to, there's a lot of stuff to go right. With your family?

Never with a family, but even just as a couple, I found it challenging. And I've been on ski things filming and I've seen a lot of people with young children and it looks really stressful. So I made the decision not to go until the kids were old enough to hold their skis and boots and be a bit more like, look, you're old enough now to do this. Anyway, I have been skiing since I was four and have two children now, age 17 and 12. And skiing with kids sucks. getting dressed and ready as a workout in itself and by the time you get to the snow

you're knackered carrying equipment the only enjoyable part is dinner and bed in the evening I think this is a bit extreme Any cred of thoughts about enjoyable part being bed in the evening Rob? I think I've run out of them now I'm exhausted once you've said

you've jizzed all over the hill with a big throbbing cart I mean where do you go from there you know what I mean? It's difficult isn't it? Saying that you have to go through that shit for a couple of years to get to the other side with

You can all ski and it's enjoyable. Take what I'm doing. That's what I'm doing. Make it easy in yourself and book a private family lesson. That's what you're doing, isn't it? Yeah. Or put your ski in ski school. I'll recommend also having a go in a snow center in the UK first.

Good luck. Book a summer holiday for the week after you'll need it. Love the show. Can't regard Sarah. My instinct is, I think I mentioned it before, the kids may respond better to having a teacher that is in charge where they might just run to you. rather than the teacher.

So it's a, and tricky. And also, you're going to be a bit stressed and nervous because you're learning yourself. I think I'll be cool as a cucumber. A big cucumber covered in Vaseline, shoved up your fucking Harris. Beckett retorted. Beckett retorted. Who writes those articles.

What journalist goes, I'm going to go and become a journalist so I could basically just scowl the internet for some, celebrities homes that I can write a load of bullshit about and Nick quotes from a podcast. What job is that? It's AI now. Well, Rose thought it was written by AI because it was so badly written. But I thought, I said I think it's too boringly written. I do.

He used the word splashed out twice, which is the kind of thing you'd crudely retort, splashed out. Both I and Noel Edwards had splashed out on the house at different points. Right. We've got longest amount of time doing school runs coming. and dragged out jobs. Remember dragged out jobs? And I've got a massive boomer story, yeah. Okay, go for it.

Right, let's do, let's do Boomer first. Hello, sexy, relatable boys. Long time listener, this is my submission for Boomer parenting. Every other year, me and my entire family would take a trip to Centre Parks. Now, as we aren't oil barons or lottery winners, this was a real treat and one year on route to the world's most expensive woodland retreat, my auntie casually dropped into conversation that they didn't pay for me this year, but not to worry, I'm still coming, but they need to smuggle me in.

Fucking hell. This happened quite a lot at Centre Parks, I think, the old smuggling. I've got friends that did this. So how do you smuggle someone into Centre Park? I've not been. You put them in the boot of a blanket over them. So a lot of the people did this. Yeah, so what would happen is you'd be a family of five

and you'd get the two bedroom thing, but there'd be three kids and five people, so you're only paying for four. What have you got to get through in the car? You have never been set up at parks? No. So basically you pull up to a little cabin and they check who's in the car, tick all your names off and give your keys and your Mac.

So you drive up to the cabin? Yeah, and then you drive up and then you drive to the cabin to get everyone out and everything out and then you go and park up. Where's the kid getting out if you were to smuggle them in, Rob? Do you think you could have done it? Yeah, you would basically wait until you got to your own cabin and then they just get out the boot. Right, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Fast forward to us pulling over on the A-11 to put me where. Under some blankets? No. Oh my God. My loving family opened a suitcase. Fuck off. Fuck off.

For seven-year-old me to climb in, zipping it up, and placing it in the passenger side footwell with strict instructions not to make any noise until they gave the safe word. Meggy, the name of our beloved family dog. What followed was 20 minutes of darkness, struggling for air, and praying someone would say the dog's name. This is so horrible. Jesus fucking Christ.

All of this topped off by my grandmother panicking that I was going to suffocate as we approached checking, followed by the rest of the family. Why didn't they open the zip a bit? One of them old, this would have been an old suitcase without wheels, like a big old level one. Yeah, there's no wheels. There's no wheels, yeah, yeah. She was worried about her suffocating.

The rest of the family telling her to be quiet as if the centre of parks police heard it, they would ruin our holiday. Eventually, after passing through the checking cabin with no problems, but Uncle hastily parked the car and rushed to get me out. I was unzipped and set free in the car park. Red-faced and gasping for air. All I can remember is the stunned look on the faces of all the other families next to us, who must have thought that my family were, at best, incredibly tight,

or at worst, people smugglers. I mean, it's a weird place to human traffic, isn't it? Two centre parks. I don't think that's where they're going to and from. minute, I guess technically we were both. It was a different time. That is mad. All in all is a great holiday full of great, albeit

a slightly dramatic memories. So my friends had that happened to them, said that they felt very stressed on the whole holiday because they thought they were going to get cool. Yeah, I wouldn't enjoy that. I broke into Glastonbury twice. Oh, did you? That's pretty cool, a bit cool of you.

I didn't realize you were cool. Yeah, you did. Is your cat just asleep next to you now? Yeah. That's very sweet. sorry. Yeah. She's enjoying the pod.

See, I love animals, see. Yeah, you love them. Oh, she's so soft, Rob. But, yeah, I broke into Glastonbury twice, but once you're in, you're in. Do you know? Because you just disappear into the crowd. How did you get in?

First time, under the fucking fence, mate. Whatever. Oh, there was a hole when you just crawled under. Too fucking right. So how did you know about that? Was there someone saying, if you pay me this money, I'll take it to the hole in the fence?

Made someone a tenor. A tenor? yeah that's amazing how old are you 17 you're pretty cool dude actually aren't you yeah

yeah now what Josh see I struggle I struggle with you as a like because I find you are very sort of homely

a bit like stressed in like sometimes social situations can be overwhelming for you you just want to be at home with your family in that little bubble where you feel cozy and safe

so you can have tea and eat toast yeah yeah but there's other side of you that like well sneak into classroom at 17

go out into the world and become a comedian and stuff like that. So was drink driving that sort of craziest side of you? No, I was sober. I think I thought it would be easier than it was. At the time, everyone was doing it. It was a real peer pressure thing. Right, okay.

And yeah, and also if you're not in, you're not in. You're missing an amazing weekend. So you were like caught up with a group. When you live in the West Country as well, it feels like it's a thing quite close to you. So it's not like, so everyone. It feels like you own it a little bit more. Yeah, and everyone from school was doing.

Do you know what I mean? It wasn't like a kind of... And then I don't know why I became a comedian. It doesn't really fit with my personality type. No, not at all. Almost like production or like podcasting and writing's a bit more you. But the actual going out in front of a big crowd and like, look at me, listen to me. I want to be seen.

I want to be seen. You do, don't you? I want the credit. What is the dream scenario of, If you could pick any job, any reaction, any status in the world, like, what would it be? Would it be like, you know, like Martin Freeman's like a really funny but real respected actor that's done Hollywood but also can do the state. Is it something like that? No, it's been a musician, obviously.

So it would be the lead singer of a band or do you like to be like the guitarist? League guitarist that could be a bit more. I don't want to catch my vocal chords. No. But you wouldn't want to be the lead guy. You'd quite like to be the guitarist that could live a semi-nobot. normal life because you're not as famous as Damon Albarn kind of thing. I'd like to be the guitarist, yeah.

In the same way that if I was a professional footballer, I'd probably want to be the winger. But is that an age thing now? But when you were 20, would you want to be Damon? No. I mean, no, because I've never had the confidence I'd want to do that, no. Because I always wanted to be like, messy. But now I want to be more up here, though. Right.

So for people that don't know football. Messy's like the best player in the world. Number one, that actually gifted the best. An attacker, the central point of the attack and the most important player in every team he's ever played in. Number 10, the captain, the head, the Christiane Ronaldo type person. But now I want to be a little bit more displaying it out from the back running the game. The yellow is this kind of very quiet, effective, kind of cultured, graceful midfielder who sits back and kind of conducts the pace of the game. but can still score a worldly from distance or free kick.

But that's where you feel you are in your life. No, no, that's why I want to be now. Not necessarily saying I am. Oh, right. Okay. I'm not saying that's who I am. That's who I aspire to be. Yeah, I can see that.

Hang on, the feet are up. The legs are up. What's happening there? Do you feel anxious about talking about yourself? No, no, no. You've got to Joe Wiley. He's pulled out of Joe Wiley. Come on.

Joe Wiley. Yeah, I can see that. and I never wanted to be a defender I think I want it to be seen Rob So Graham Coxon is your dream life No Not really

Johnny Marr No not really I don't know Yeah Johnny Mar probably I've got a lot of baggage With Morrissey That I wouldn't want to Like I wouldn't want to

In every interview Be asked about comments That the person he works With 30 years ago has made Well you wait 30 years time they're asking about me jizzing on your pillows in your new house in Exeter. It's crude comments. So your ex-podcast partner, Rob Beckett, is performing naked, wrapped in an Italian football flag with a pillow shirt on.

Dick out, 21 on his back. Yeah. Yeah, it must be difficult being Johnny Marr. Like getting on, you know, he plays with all different people and all of a sudden he gets a text from Morrissey. It's like, oh God. Well, Johnny Marr doesn't drink And apparently they met up Morris, he's a big drinker

Is it? It doesn't work. You don't imagine that, do you? No, you think he'd be the more like tea drinking poet type And Mar might be the record. And they met up one afternoon, I mean, this must have been years ago

When it was still possible That they could get back together In a pub in Manchester And just discussed it all And Morrissey apparently got Just like got really pissed And they were going to get back together.

Imagine if you'd walked into that pub. That could be us, Rob, in 30 years. Me, you're getting shit-faced at you. You getting a macaroni pie. I'm still moaning about not losing weight. I just can't seem to shoot it. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Right, do you want a longest amount of time doing a school run?

Yes. Hi, Rob, Josh, and sexy Michael. I've been listening to your pod for a few years and absolutely love it. Recently, you started questioning. longest school running years with heavyweights like Robert De Niro, Mick Jagger, but as an F1 fan, I think the one you've forgotten takes the crown. Nigel Mansell. Mr. Bernie Eccleson.

Mr. That is such a Josh Whitaker name to say out loud. If I was doing the impression of you and I had to think of a name of an F1, it would be Mansell. Bernie Eccleston, here we go. He is 95. He's 95. Yep. His oldest daughter, Deborah, was born in.

She was born in 1955. What? So she's 70, or 71 now. Yeah. And youngest son, Ace, was born in 2020. If ever something chose the journey Bernie Eckerson's been on, it's the different names between the first, last child. Deborah and Ace.

So he was born, he's five, which means if he's not kicked the buck, it by the time ACE's 18 and lived on the school run for 83 years. Fucking, was there any gap?

Well, that's the thing. I need to look at this because that only works if there were kids in, like, because if he's not in Tamara.

Um, and Petra. But they're like in their 40s of their own kids now. Yeah. And let's see what Bernie Eccles with and how's his seaman still working?

Do you know what? He's got, is that a wig he's gone? Uh, I don't know. He's got a lot of air there, isn't he? But I'm not sure.

Um, here we go. Let's have a look. Bernie Eccleston. He's worth $2.5 billion. Yeah, it doesn't surprise me. Jesus Christ. Is that from F1?

Yeah, he sold it, didn't he? Yeah, so he owned the whole of F1, didn't he? Right. And then so, no, I don't think this works because he's got Deborah, Tamara, Petra, and son Ace. No, disallowed. This allowed. VAR.

Because Petra is his youngest, I think. It needs to be without a gap. I'm sorry not allowing it. But not allowing it. She's 37. so no it doesn't work. Red flag. So you use the F1 term.

Is that F1? Who cares? I don't think they have flags. They do have flags, don't they? What's the red flag mean? Bring it into the pit lane. Have I showed you my F1 thing I got sent?

And I got no idea where they sent me. One second. Bring it in. I've got sent this, right? It's probably the most random like selection of things I've ever been sent, right?

I've got a sent. This is from, who sent this? Authentics. F1authentics.com, right? And they've sent me a framed photo and it's of Killian Umbappe. Right, yeah.

The footballer, waving a flag, like the finishing flag, at the Monaco Grand Prix in 2024. Yeah, she's from Monaco. Yeah, which saw the clerk take glory at his home track with Pisteri and Sains following respectively. And on the flag, he's got a load of names.

And one of the names is Rob Beckett. What? So the flag has got my name on it. What? What? What? And then they've cut my name out of the flag and put it in the frame with the picture. If you go on the video, you can see it.

That is mad. Well, thank you very much. But I didn't ask for it. They just said it to me. That's so weird. And is that because you and Rom did the Monaco Grand Prix? Maybe. I don't know, but I don't know if that's the one we did.

No, 20-24. Oh, maybe it was 20-24. It might have been the one I did, but what random thing? I've not put it up yet. Do I? Do you think you will? Lou, I've got a few things to put up in the house. Like what?

You're aware of Killian Mbapé? Bear with me. Is Lou aware of Killian Mbapé, do you think? I think if I, yeah, I don't know, if I said, like, I think, probably as a footballer. And a red flag is the most serious flag in F1. Instantly stopping a practice call off under race due to severe danger. Yeah, this is severe.

This is a total red flag. There's Bernie Eccleston fact because it doesn't work. No, okay. So it doesn't work. So anyway, thanks for getting in touch. But there's a load of bollocks. Next time, pull your fucking finger out, listen properly and work out what we're asking for.

Because we're not mugs here. Yeah, don't just fucking in the middle of, middle of all your work. Oh, I'll email that podcast. Yeah, email a load of shit that don't make sense. Anyway, thank you so much to get in touch. Claire, 492 Mum's Grantham. Do you want to drag out job, Josh? You can do one in a minute if you want.

Hi, Robin Josh and Michael. You recently talked about dragging jobs out. When I was 19, I worked for a concession stand in Debenams. And outside of the Blue Cross sales, there were like one or two customers per day. there was literally nothing to do. I run the concession stand alone on quiet days, me and other people who worked on other concession stands

because I suppose the Debenham staff don't care if there's nothing to do for you because you're paying to have to stand. We go to the pub for the afternoon and leave our phone numbers behind the till for any of the Debenham staff to call us if there are any queries. There never was.

Got away of it for three years. Wow. We never made any money and eventually the concession shut. David from Lancash. shit. David, please let us know what the stand was for. Do you want another one or do you want to give one out? Or do I do one. Should I do one? I tell what? Should you do a couple? Then I'll finish off of a playground shaggers. Okay. Great. Building up to a big playground shaggers special, weren't we? So this will just get the wet the whistle.

Oh, I like, I like customer service job revenge, Rob. When I was 16, I worked in local Tesco's on the checkout. It was a lovely customer facing role and for most part, people were always so polite and chatty. Occasionally you'd get a customer that wants nothing to do with interaction, or packing their shopping and holding conversation, or they would like to huff and touch. Oh, sorry. Oh, dear.

Do you want me to read them? No. Or they would like to huff and tuck when they were waiting to be served. What? Do you mind some feedback? Don't yawn during someone else's email? Yeah, I think your energy dipped massively. You did an actual yawn out loud.

Yeah. And then I'd say your heart wasn't in that email. Okay, yeah. True. Go back as a bit of Fizz. Pretend you're on Radio X. Pretend them on Radio X. Okay, here come the food fires.

But before that, when I was 16, I was in a local test scout on the checkouts. That kind of stuff on Radio X. Would that be like the sort of banter, like the producer would just put that in to like liven up the... Or a bed. Why doesn't Michael put a bed underneath it,

like you're on the radio and see if that increases the energy of your delivery? Here we go. Michael's going to hate... Oh, where's that come from? Did you do that, Josh? No. I don't like that Michael can just do that.

Was that from your mouth or you've got a button? I'm not in Police Academy. Michael just in his room with a camera off doing drum rolls. Sorry, go ahead, Josh. Worked in Tesco, 16. Occasionally you get customers that didn't want to talk to you. When I'd get rude customers, I'd pull out my special move. If they had any bag to.

loose single veg such as carrots and potatoes, I'd sneakily place my elbow and shift some weight onto it before pressing the way button. No. Here we go, which would bump up the average bag of carrots 40 to 70p to a lovely crisp 5 pounds. Before I quickly take the next item and scan it so they don't notice. I know it's not a huge inconvenience, but boy, was it the best silent revenge ever, all the best are non.

That's nice. I like that. You'd have to be really bad to do that, though. Do you think if you got home and you saw you'd been overcharged for the carrots, are you going back, Rob? No, I don't think you'd even look, though, would you? Because you'd just assume it had just got absorbed in the whole big shop. If you're just buying carrots and it was a five, right, I'd go. Can you weigh them again?

Wait, wait, wait, there's a cat on me. Right. Hi, lads. I want to tell you about my customer service revenge against a teacher who used to teach me in my latter years in high school and also bullied me. The bullying was very much verbal and psychological, sending me out of class to being disruptive

when I hadn't muttered a word allowing me to continue with a DT project for months before telling me two weeks before the deadline that I couldn't use any of it and other just shipped-house behaviour. I like the fact you've got the cat in the room, but at that point you stopped talking, put your arm in front of your mouth,

muffled the audio, and then completely gave up on talking, and then put the cats out on your lap, laughed and stared forward and then didn't speak again. I'd say the cat may not be helping you, helping you podcast to your full potential. I'd agree. I'd take that on board.

And I'm just watching, also, from where I'm watching you from, you can't really see that's a cat that's so tucked down. It looks like you're just stroking your groin backwards and forwards. Leading to one of your retorts. Anyway, at the age of 16, I got a Christmas job at Argos. quickly becoming collection coordinator, a jumped up title for looking after the other 16 to 17 year old kids handing out the items to customers. The week leading up to the Christmas, the queue of people at the collection points is four deep and we've rushed off our feet. And there I see him.

The man of the cloth should have mentioned this earlier. Teacher who's my school bully. What an opportunity. So a man of the cloth? What? He's a priest and a teacher. Oh God, that's a deadly combo, isn't it? I beckoned this guy over and asked for his receipt

so I could get his item for him quicker, therefore skipping the queue, something he was delighted with. Now, one of the benefits of being very low management was my break was extended from 30 minutes to an hour. I decided this would be a good time to rest and refresh myself from such a crazy and busy day. I popped his receipt in my pocket,

gathered my coat and left through the back door I'll have my lunch break at the nearest cafe. And this would have been years before you could find another receipt. This is like, Oh. I returned an hour later to see my old school teacher, red face and hooping mad.

He spots from here, shouts, there he is. To which I reply, One moment, sir, I'll be with you in a minute. I go to the staff from, remove my coat and put my stuff in my locker and return to the shop floor. I pass him his receipt, not a single word is said by me, and I walk off.

So she didn't even give him the product? No, didn't give him the product. Just gave him a receiver. That would send you fucking mental. Because you're angry enough. If he comes back with a box or whatever, you're like, what's going on? What have you been an hour?

Just there you go, mate. You put it off an hour. Now, as you can imagine, his fury and he escalated and he asked a member of staff if he could speak to their manager. He wanted to take this as far as he could. Luckily for me,

I was technically the manager. When I appeared and asked him what the problem was, his face was an absolute treat. I asked him to take a seat, and we gave him his items as soon as they were ready. Very petty I'm, I know, but my God, it was amazing. Many thanks, an non. Big fan of that.

Big fan of that. Do you have any teachers if you saw now that you'd be a bit arcy with? No, let bygones be bygones, I think. You wouldn't work in Argos and hold back products, no? No. Maybe more likely other kids from the year. Yes. Yeah, I know what you mean. Did you get bullied at school? Not any more than anyone else.

Like everyone gets bullied to an extent, don't they? Yeah. Well, I think so. I don't know. But then I just think that other people might just be listening going, no. Because I've got that like a bit of bullying, but not. It's just kids have cruel, weren't they horrible? There was one kid who used to, I'm sure I've said this. have I, that when we used to play football in the tennis, there was a bit called the pen,

which was like the tennis courts in a pen kind of situation. And we'd be allowed to play football there at lunch, but only with a tennis ball. You know, the classic kind of, so you didn't damage it. And there'd be, you know, maybe, if there was a thousand kids at the school, maybe 150 kids in there. Yeah.

Playing different games of football. And there was one kid in my year. I won't name him. But he'd walk in and he was just a psychopath. That's the problem in school. There are, it's just a cross-section of society. And everyone would scatter, basically. Yeah.

Like, kind of, you know, like a film where there's like Wildebeest and then there's like, kind of, there's a, there's a Jaguar or whatever chasing them. And you know one of them's going to get got. Yes. It's like that joke. You know the joke about when there's someone being chased by a lion, two men being chased by a lion and one goes to put his trainers on and he says, you're not going to outrun a lion, no, but I'm going to outrun you.

a bit like that. Yeah. And whoever he got, he'd like pin up by the neck against the fence and kind of just threaten them. Definitely happened to me. But that wasn't because I was... No, she was nearest at that point. Yeah.

Have you seen that kid since? No. And I wouldn't know what had happened to him. I imagine... What would have happened to him in Bovie Tracy? Well, I think he might have been the son of a farmer. So he might just be a farmer now. You're all son of the farmer down there, really, isn't you?

In the main? No, no, people are actually sons of farmers. Like, that whole thing is they're going to just be the, they're going to take on the farm. Like, they knew that at school. This episode is brought to you by Tesco Club Card. Here to help you save with EasyJet holidays. We all know the club card can help you save on shopping, but I can tell you for free that it's no one-trick pony.

No, no, no. You know those lovely club card vouchers you get just from shopping at Tesco? Well, right now, exchanging at least a £5 voucher. gets you double the amount to spend with EasyJet holidays. So next time you pick up a meal deal, you can save yourself, ooh, that's going towards my Ocean View Suite. But it gets even better. If you book between the 2nd and 19th of April and travel by the 31st of October 26

and spend more than £1,000 on your holiday, you'll get £100 off with the code Tesco save in Capitals. Your club card is your new passport to Paradise. Save now, sunbathe later with Tesco Club. card and easy jet holidays. Full T's and Cesar Apply, see Tesco.com slash easyjet holidays. Um, playground shaggers?

Yeah. Should we wet the whistle? Yeah, go on. So we've got a big one coming up. If you've got any more playground shaggers stories, let us know. And we wanted to do office shaggers as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Workplace shaggers as well, said them in.

I tell what we haven't had a lot of recently, the biggest area you've ever had sex, but inside. Yeah, yeah. I love that. favorites. Yeah. Okay. All right, Rob, Joshua Michael. Back in primary school, I had this mate, Martin, name change to protect the emotionally scarred. Martin's dad was a notorious shagger. The bloke had more kids scattered around than Hallow magazines and the dentists. More kids scattered around than Hallow magazines. Yeah, it's nice. I thought he meant like

kids in Hello magazines, but it was slightly difficult to understand. I think it would be than old magazines at the dentist. Yeah, yeah. And then hello gives it a little bit of... Yeah, it's specificity. The thing is, I mean, not to go too deep on it, I do think they have a range of magazines. They don't just have lots of hellos, do you know?

No, it sort of tag, that old... Best or Bella. Yeah, or close, or those real truths. Woman's own. Yeah. Does I still go, Woman's Own? I bet it's still doing well, actually, Women's Own, because they won't have been hit by the death of magazines.

Yeah, it does still go, Woman's Own. You'll be the front cover of it next week. By the time we were about nine, Martin's mum and dad had split up. No surprise, given his dad was basically a one-man mission to repopulate the postcode. Martin's mom normally did the school run, but when she couldn't, one of Martin's half-brothers, his dad's lad from another relationship, who worked shifts so was available from 3.30, would pick him up after school, probably mid-20s, helping out being a good big brother.

They would chill for a few hours, and then he would. drop him off at his mum's, but here's where it all goes fully senders. So this is Martin's brother. Half brother. Yeah. So, yeah, Martin's brother picks him up, who's in his 20s and he workshifts. But he's half-brother because Martin's dad's a shag-up. And Martin's dad couldn't pick him up.

A few months of pick-ups and drop-offs. It turns out that after Martin was getting a ride back home from his brother, Martin's mum was getting ridden at home by the brother. What? The half-brother. So this is... Martin's dad's son from another marriage or a relationship

or whatever Martin's dad's son for another relationship who has a different mum to Martin is Shaggy Martin's mum even though it's his brother Oh my God So Martin's mum got with her ex-husband's son Meaning Martin's half-brother

became his new stepdad Oh my God It all came to a head when we were doing family trees as a class activity and it was pointed out that Martins was more of a loop than a tree. And the lesson plan was scrapped there and then to stop us asking questions about it. Don't know what happened to the lad afterwards,

but I hope he's doing well and the therapy doesn't cost too much. If that's not textbook playground shagger behavior, I don't know what it is. Oh, Rich, that is lovely that. It's good. So more than them, please send them in. Come on, Josh. Do you want a crap advent calendar?

One year, when I was a child, my brother and I, went downstairs on December 1st, excited to open the first door. We were horrified to find. Instead of our usual chocolate calendars, my mum had decided, you ready for this, Rob? Imagine this in your house. That each day in December, we would have to stand around the piano

and learn a different traditional hymn. Oh my God. Needless to say, we were the world's grumpiest carol singer, so that idea didn't last too long. By the next year, we were back using the Cabris Classic. Keep it sexy and relatable, Rosie. There we go, Rose. I think you can do an extra boring Advent calendar.

Not like that, but like if you're doing the chocolate as well, it's if you replace the chocolate, that's the problem. Yeah, I think chocolate and something's fine. If there's no chocolate or toy, you're in trouble. Oh, it's a good one. Hi, just listen to the episode where you mentioned not buying houses for odd reasons or feelings. My nan once viewed a house but didn't buy it due to an odd feeling. A few months later, it blew up from a gas explosion.

No. Killing the new owners. Oh my God. Oh, fucking hell. Stay sexy relatable, Liam. Stay sexy relatable. It's so weird. She just had a good nose.

Yeah. I've got a weird local town traditions here. We've asked for these. Hi, long time listener. Love the pod. grew up in a small rural village in the middle of nowhere in Northumberland. To give you an idea of how rural,

our secondary school has the largest catchment area in the country over 800 square miles. Fucking Laura. And it's significantly larger than the M25. I will remain anonymous. As although I left several years ago, I still have friends and family there. It's a very large area,

but a small community where everyone knows everything and everyone. Every new year they have the annual tar barrel celebration. We do that in Devon. We do this in Otteries, St. Mary, in Devon. I don't do it. Otterie St. Mary, where local men who have been born and bred in the village carry burning barrels of tar on their heads around the village with a brass band. Yeah.

I don't know if it's on their heads. In my head, they're carrying it on their backs, but that can't be right. These are then chucked on a fire in the middle of the village, and everyone sings and gets pissed. Yeah, I don't know about that because I've never been, but it used to be on the local news every year. Had a few friends who were tar barlers, and by the end of the evening they would often have very rednecks.

Also remember some guys being so drunk carrying the barrels of burning tar that they would be held up while stumbling around the village. That is mental. We had to get a few buses to school. Our bus driver was also a farmer and would often pick up sheep on the way to them from school. That is mental. And they would be standing in the middle of the aisle. We didn't think anything of this, but looking back, it was very strange, but probably still happens.

Do you know what I love? A farmer on a quad bike with a sheep on the front or back. It's a very neat thing to love, Rob. I love it. When I'm driving through the countryside, gig on tour, and I see a farmer with a sheep on a quad bike, I go, yes, please. Ottery St Mary, they carry them on their backs through the streets on November 5th to celebrate Guy Fawks. Right. Of three St. Mary.

And they have different sizes of barrels for children, women and men. I didn't know children did it. Oh my God. Was it called time? Comulating in a massive midnight barrel drawing huge crowds. Oh my God. It looks absolutely awful. It looks like hell.

It looks so dangerous. It's mad. This is that something from Lord of the Rings. It's fucking mad, isn't it? That is mental. Look at them. They've got these weird. gloves on. There's fire everywhere, smoke. They're all sweating wet and covered in oil and tar.

See you there next year? Every person looks insane. It's horrible. Send us your local traditions. Send us your local traditions. It's weird. We were going to go this year, but it's difficult because the kids won't be able to see. You'll be see all right, mate. How can you not see that? It's a geyser with a barrel on his head when it's on fire. Yeah, so there you go. Jesus Christ. How has that not been an advice documentary? I don't know.

Maybe it has. I'd love to see you carrying a tar barrel. Do you think I should do it this year? You'd have to get a smaller one because the ones are you couldn't lift it. Rose is stronger than you. You'd have to get a smaller one. These are rugby players that are on their ass. I think I could do, I think I could do a tar barrel.

No way. Yeah. Small busy shout out? Yeah. Hay slags, a bit much. The hay slags, the listener retorted. Long, long time listener here. I've desperately wanted to give a small business shout out for my husband's youngest baby.

Certainly requires more love, care and attention and finances than an actual human baby, exclamation mark. He worked for himself for a long time buying and selling computer games and consoles. And he's been picking up his half brother from school for 20 years now. But in 2023, he took the risk and opened his own retail store. buy play trade stroke poke store in biturn b i t's the poke bit it's capital p so is that a Pokemon thing maybe yes along with going in uh to trade any old games consoles with him for cash he also has one of the biggest selections of Pokemon cards right trade your own Pokemon cards buy new packs and many many more many more things you can find him on all socials bp t underscore poke store

underscore Southampton, Facebook poke store Southampton, TikTok, Facebook, Pokemon store, Southampton. If you're into Pokemon, get along there or do it online. Thanks for the last over the years. A very proud wife and also very much the default parent, Claren Stroud.

Big up, Claire and Stroud. Hi, Rob, Joshua Michael, you bunch of legends. I've been listening right from the very beginning, but this is the first time I've sent in a shout-out, so I'd love it if you could help. I work for Shulphins Swim School, S-H-O-L-F-I-N-S. Is that Shulphins?

Yeah, it's like dolphins, but Shulphins, I suppose. A small but mighty swims going Redich-Wustershire running small group sessions with teachers in the water at all times. So every child can have a big yon. Do you know what it is? You know what it is. You're really, really, is that cat hot in your lap and you're getting hot and tired? No, it's because I lost two hours sleep to these fucking cats last night.

What did you mean you lost two hours sleep? You said you loved it? Yeah, I did, but I couldn't sleep. That's not, you loving it then, is it? Well, he's enjoying the experience. So you like them being there, but you can't sleep when they're there, but you just let them lick you? Oh, and you lie there wide away being lit.

When I thought, this needs to stop. I need to go back to sleep. Right. Teachers in the water at all times, so every child gets proper individual attention and parents get to breathe. We teach from preschool age to stage three and have a specialist S-E-N-D sessions two. We'd love a cheeky shit. in hell, Josh.

I'm fucked. I need to go back to bed. What's wrong with you? You need to get in a bed. Oh, I'd like that. We'd love a cheeky shout out on the pod. As a thank you, Parenting Hell listeners get 10% off their first month when they quote Parenting Hell at Bookin website.

www. www.sholfins.com. Thank you so much, Veronica and the Shelfins team. Yeah, that name very often, do you? Shelfins or Veronica? Both, I suppose. Josh, I'll see you next time. I'm going back to bed.

Yeah, you're a mess. It's just really tired. Right, bye. Bye. Hello, parenting hell listeners. Recognise that voice? Yes, it's Josh Whitakam here. I have got a new podcast,

Josh Whitickam's Museum of Pop Culture, and I'm going to say it. I'm about 85% sure you're going to love it. Here are the reasons why. Number one, I'm confident if you're listening now, you don't hate me, possibly think I'm funny. Number two, I'm confident if you're listening now, you like podcasts. Number three, I'm confident if you're listening to me and Rob, you prefer pop culture to people

talking about things, let's be honest, boring things like history, economics or politics. I know I do, and that is why I made this podcast. I wanted a show that tells the stories I love from popular culture in the way other podcasts do for drier topics. See above. Basically, I wanted a podcast that realized Millie Vanilli were more interesting than Elizabeth I. Join me as I give the definitive, or at least the funniest, takes on Mr. Blobby. When Ghost Watch convinced BBC viewers ghosts were real, when a band burned a million pounds for a laugh. The Spice Girls, a truly catastrophic Spider-Man musical with music from You Too,

and David Hasselhoff, Baywatch, and his part in the fall of the Berlin Wall. All of them are, by the way. Either you know what these things are, and you're about to learn far more about them than you ever realised you wanted to, or you don't, and you're about to be introduced to some of the maddest things in modern, ancient history. Stiff necks will learn, lose next will laugh. New episodes available every Wednesday and Saturday, perfect to fill those gaps between your weekly doses of parenting hell. So go on, you might as well listen, subscribe and follow wherever you get your podcasts

now. Museum of Pop Culture with me Josh Whitakum, available everywhere from the 1st of January.