Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S12 EP41: Imagine This

Episode Date: May 26, 2026

In this episode we go through some more of your amazing playground shaggers stories. Keep them coming in we love these hilarious tales of infidelity and mischief.... ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Parenting Hell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ is a Spotify Podcast, new video episodes available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please subscribe and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] Follow us on instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@parentinghell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Finn. Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob. And can you say Josh Whittickham? That's retember. There we go. That's very cute. Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael.

Love the pod. Been listening since before we had kids. This is my little boy, Finn, saying your name's age 2.5, 2 and half. He's now nearly three. and has been joined by his not so little baby brother, Ted, in March this year, weighing, woesers. 10 pounds, 5 ounces. Oh, that's a whopper, in it?

That's a whopper. I'm originally from Cockermouth. Come on. Go on. But now living Kendall. And we were at Rob's infamous Kendall gig. I feel harsh on the Kendall gig, so I do slack it off a little bit. We enjoyed it despite the knobhead heckler.

Thanks, Hannah. Was there a knobhead heckler? I can't remember. I don't know. It was Sunday night in a leisure centre and then someone was having a go. That candle leisure centre is hilarious because you can see the basketball hoops while you're performing. Yeah, and like, I just think when I'm performing, I see basketball hoops, I just don't know if I'm in the right place. I know.

It's wild. You know what I mean? It's wild. Rob, yeah. We don't do enough correspondence. We always discuss this. Yeah. Also, I'm wearing a France shirt because I'm excited about the World Cup.

Beautiful, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. So are you going? No. I'm working and it's Luz's birthday so we're busy with that kind of stuff but no World Cup matches for me but I've got the sticker book

How are you going to approach the World Cup as a dad? Yeah right? Because let's keep it on brand So from what I'm aware And I haven't looked into it deeply Correct me from all the kickoffs are From 9pm to 2am Something like that

Yeah so it's a bit difficult Because back in the day This would be perfect for me as a job in comedian Because you basically finish work I'd go on if I want touring 9 p.m. is my bed time now. Yeah, well, 10 o'clock. So there's games on at like silly o'clock.

That one's 3 a.m. and 8 o'clock. So there's games late, but I think I'm going to do it on a game by game basis. Because sure, you know, like Netherlands, Japan, 9 o'clock. I'm all over that, Josh. I'm like, bang up for that. But in certain games, and, you know, you shouldn't have favourites. Take me through the first five games. Well, I'll be honest, if you, am I staying up to 3 a.m.

to watch Canada play guitar? No. If I wanted to watch that level of football, football, then I'd just go to goals in Elmer's End. Do you know what? I'd step to 3am to watch Johnny Mar play guitar, but certainly not Canada play guitar. So first game is Mexico, South Africa in Mexico at 8 o'clock on Thursday, length of June. Count me.

Count me. And then after that, I think there's Korea Czech Republic at 3am. Count me out. Count me out, yeah. 8 o'clock next day, Canada, Bosnia. Herzegovina. I mean, why not? Let's not get bogged down by this and let's fucking the playground.

Okay, yeah. Let's shag on the monkey bars. Oh, let's do it in the big tractor tire. Yeah, let's suck in the swing. Let's pump on the hopscotch. Let's make out on the merry-go round. Exactly. What are the other ones?

What's the one that goes at the Seesaw? Oh, so you're thinking of that kind of playground. Let's get your assore on the seesaw. Surely the playground is the school playground, isn't it? Here we go. This is a playground shagger special. If you're new to this, it's basically... And you've probably left.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Just be honest. You're not still there. You're gone. It's been an awful opening. Yeah. Oh, talking about an awful opening. I'm sure Michael had tied it up.

Anyway, this is basically stories from school playgrounds where parents and teachers and stuff have got too close. Hey, lads, I went to school slash college with a boy. Let's call him Dean. During high school, his dad had an affair with Dean's mum's, mum's, Mum. Sorry, sorry. Say that again. So sorry.

It's always so difficult this, isn't it? You're shagging Rose's mum. Yeah, I know, but can we get on with the show? Oh, there we go. There we go. It's lovely stuff. There we go. So the dad is shagging his mum.

Yes, so Dean's Nan became his step-mom. No way. At parents' evening, all three of them would turn up. Well, they got together. Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, no. Not just so I could pump and dump.

This was a lay-and-stay. Oh, my word. At parents's evening, all three of them would turn up like the extremely dysfunctional family they were. Why does the mother-in-law need to come to that? The step-mom, and this isn't to have a go at step-parents, but I think if you have got together with your daughter's partner, it's bare minimum polite to just let, just not turn up at parents.

Keep your nose at the curriculum and shove it up your daughter's ex-husband's arseal. Is that what you're saying? Not in so many words. That's what you're saying. If that's what you're saying, that's what I'm saying. If that's what I'm saying, that's what I'm saying. Mr. Saturday night, I can't do anything that. No, I've got to be the edge one.

Echie one. Yeah, the tabloids. You can quote me on that. Beckett's rude. I'll tell you what, there's going to be loads of crude retort stuff, aren't they now that you're going to... Oh, my word, Rob. We're going to be misquoted every week of our lives forever.

But do you know what? If it drives listeners, I don't care. If that converts into streams, fucking curching, quote me as much as you fucking want. I'd sniff anyone's asshole for a few. more dollar. I think if you have an affair with someone and then get together with them. Yeah. You know, what the heart wants the heart wants, right? But I think you've got to go, okay, what's the least awkward way of approaching this? Do you know what I mean?

I just think there's other women out there that aren't my mother-in-law. Yeah, exactly. That's what you say to, that's what you've said to her every time. I say, Teresa, back off, babe. You're a wonderful woman, but I just don't shit where you're looking eat. eat and drink. Oh my word. Imagine this. This is hot off the press. Imagine this.

Sounds like your new podcast. Welcome to Imagine This by Josh Winniaker. A badger, but it's a human size and it's riding a bicycle. Imagine this. Thank you. That's the end of Imagine This for this week. See you next week. That's quite a good idea for a TikTok channel.

Because in my end, the badgers really hunched. and got tiny little arms but quite aerodynamic because he snaps like one of them helmets so you can imagine this and then four people would discuss how they're imagining it yeah like I imagine yeah that he's got a basket

and he's kind of like a kind of Frenchman delivering bread that's how I'm imagining no one's like proper he's trying to go as fast as he can he's doing the Tour de France yeah he's really and he's got a really tight green yellow jacket on yeah like he's leading how do you imagine it Michael

Further record, Michael, it's a false, it's a human-sized badger riding a bicycle. Is that it, Josh? Yeah, I think there was there another detail. I can't remember. Mine had Lycra, like racing Lycra, but it had, do you remember the massive tough top helmets that you got in the middle school? They were like polystyrene. You had a sort of disproportionately large one of those, so he looked like Toad from Barrio.

So we're all imagining in it, aren't we? So where we should, hang on, I don't want to get bogged down by this, but I'm going to. Mine's in the countryside. Where's your fella? Yeah, mine's going past like a kind of village green. Mine didn't have a background, but he was like, I was imagining a sketch on paper. Wow.

Artie, imagine this. Send us in your imagine this. Send us in your imagination. You know, like a garage four-court birthday card, that sort of type of like really mad sketchness. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a golfer, kind of ticking or teeing off. Yeah, send in your more imagine this.

and we'll imagine it for you. He'll imagine them for you, right. And we'll just quickly imagine them for you in the middle. But Michael, what happens when you talk for the video, by the way? Because I obviously haven't watched it back because I'm not fucking insane. It's just us, isn't it, listening? I was actually going to film a series of cutaways of me sat there, but with like differing masks and helmets on.

So you never get to see my face. But one time I've got a Darth punk helmet. Yeah, another time it's my Darth Punk. Yeah, yeah. that size. But at the moment, is it just us talking and listening while you talk back? If it's in the studio, then it's as wide shot, so it looks less weird. And if it's like this, I'll cut between whoever looks less weird out of you two listening.

So, Josh. Yeah. I tell you what, it is a question. Imagine this. If we were pouring the money into the socials in a kind of, those pictures would have been drawn on the screen as we were saying them. Do you know what I mean? They'd be like coming up.

Yeah. And we'd be like, go on to our Spotify now because that's coming up and I can see it now. And it'll be coming out of our mind in a kind of thought bubble. But we're not doing that. Right. Hi, Rob and Josh. Literally last night, imagine this. My wife and I witnessed two playground shaggers being exposed at a school quiz night.

No. Oh, my God. Also, this is signed an non. Let's be honest. That is going to, they're going to know. They're going to know. During the interval, one of the school mums on the table next to us went to the loo. Oh no. Her husband clearly thought she'd be gone for a few minutes and started texting one of the other moms who was also at the quiz. This feels needless from him. I guess the loos are all occupied or maybe she wanted to catch him out.

No, that's not going to show what it's occupied. As the wife came straight back, stood behind him and read the text messages over his shoulder. Oh my God. Jesus fucking Christ. So it feels like the wife is sort of aware that he may be messaging someone else. So ducked out, came straight back to check. I think she's probably got a hunch and then she's come back. I think she's come back and she's seen an opportunity. I don't think she's thought I'll lure him in with the toilet chat and then catch him. If I wanted to read someone's text messages, I wouldn't creep up behind them.

I think I presume, I know Rose's password. I could easily look at all of her text messages. Presumably you could do the same with Lou. Yeah, I can and I do. Exactly. Exactly. There you've got nothing to worry about if you read them all. Sometimes we reply as her.

Yeah. Just helps get her admin down. Exactly. So you reply stuff like, I think we should call this quits. It's been a lovely month together in the hotel rooms, but I think. Stuff like that.

Yeah, right. I guess the loser all right. It absolutely kicked off. She snatched the phone out of his hand and went absolutely ballistic. Oh my God. She started screaming at him and at the other mom who was on the other side of the room looking panicked. Yeah. It's on the other side of the room looking panicked.

The husband tried to grab his phone. back, needless. The phone's gone. The horse has bolted. You can't get the genie back in the bottle. But she wrestled it off him, ran up to the husband of the other woman and showed him the screen,

yelling that they were having a fare and that she'd suspected for ages. Oh, so the other husband's there as well? So it's not a single woman. She's married as well. Yeah. Oh, it's disgusting, isn't it? The woman he'd been cheating with,

ran out of the room crying, and the other mum chased her, followed by a load of her mum friends who were trying to calm her down. What's the best about these situations? If you're really close to it, it's obviously very sad and horrible because there's two people that you know that are having a terrible time. But if you're a few, don't really know on that well,

maybe your kids in a different year, you're sat there with a pint going, this is the best school quiz night I've ever been to. Of course. Raising money for the PTA and this level of drama is absolutely first class. Of course. I'll chuck. Quick, they're crying.

She's crying. Look, and the mates are chasing. Do you know what? I'll chuck another tenor in. The two husbands then started squaring up to each other. Oh. I think if once again, if you're the guy having the affair, I don't think you can square up to the other guy.

You've got to go. No, my greatest fear is confronting someone that's fucking my wife and then then beating me up. That's the word. I think we've spoken about this before, but that is... That's the most emaciating day of your life. Yeah, someone fucked your wife and fucked you up. Two guys were squared up to each other.

So me and other dads had to step in and break them up. Eventually, the cheaters and the cheetahs all left the quiz. What do you think they did, Rob? What would you have done in this situation? If all the four people involved, they completely left? Yeah. I'd have a quick look at the sheet, answer sheet.

They declared the quiz a right off. Oh, I think that's unfair. I think the quiz master agreed to do it and didn't really want to do it and saw a way out. Yeah. I mean, there's still other people doing the quiz. Most of us stayed on for a drink at the bar and gossip about what we'd all just witnessed. I have no idea how this is all going to play out at the school gates, but I do worry about

the children involved doesn't sound it. No, you don't get it. Fuck, you've just put that in there to look human. Well, he's added, but I'm not going to lie, it was brilliant. Yeah, well, perfect. Good. Good guy. As soon as we left, my wife and I turned to each other and said, we've got to tell Rob and Josh about this. This episode is brought to you by Expedia and Visit Scotland. Some places you don't just visit.

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Do you want to do the next one, Rob? Yeah, that was great. I love these. Thank you for sending them in. Please keep me anonymous. I grew up in the 70s slash 80s back when every estate had its own cast of characters and as it turns out, the occasional scandal

worthy of a soap opera. Now's involved the Avon Lady and the football pools man. Well, that's taken me back. Did you have the football pools? We didn't have a guy coming round, no. We had a village lottery syndicate, but we didn't have a... Sorry, I didn't know you was in a Tweed ITV drama.

The syndicate. Where ordinary folk have an extraordinary day. Yeah. What should we do with the millions, Arthur? Well, the pop plants could do the refresh

could have they? Where friendship and community means more than money. ITV this summer. Yeah, and then one of them gets murdered. Yeah, for the money. Yeah, my mum was an Avon lady.

And then we had the Football Pools man. And there was a candy, do you remember the Candice man? Candy man? You say his name three times. No, was it the Candice magazine? It come around you, the Candice magazine?

Am I making this up? I don't know. Michael, who used to come around your ass and stuff? We had the Pawsman, Avon lady, the Candace man. We had like what became Little Woods, but it was the sort of catalog guy that came around, or we had the guy that would come around and collect the 50Ps from the gas and electricity meter in your house,

the sort of wine dial-up meter. Yeah, I got... Well, we had the Candice magazine, a magazine of Candice Club, published monthly, a membership focused on health and family living, food, garden, and travel. It's like a magazine subscription, but they'd come and deliver it to and you pay for it.

We had a geez that used to come around with a van full of videos would rent. Yeah, we had a mobile library as well, and we had a milkman. Did you have a milkman? Yeah, Milman. But Militman, I don't even know if we had paper round. We didn't have a paper round.

Anyway, sorry. Let me carry on. So anyway, so this scandal involves the Avon lady and the football Palsman. Respectable enough on the surface, she with her catalogs of perfumes and bath sets, he with his weekly rounds, collecting slips and hopeful pound notes.

They were both married, both lived just a few doors apart, and both seemed to bump into each other rather more often than just coincidence. At the time, most people just raised an eyebrow and carried on. But behind the scenes, the system was inventive. They were used to envelopes for orders, money, scribble notes being passed back and forth,

so they took advantage of it. Their own kids and a handful of other children from the estate became unwitting couriers. Oh, there we go. Ferry and sealed envelopes between the two as part of the usual come-ins and goings. No one thought much of it. It all looked perfectly ordinary.

Obviously, this is 70s and 80s where there's no phone mobiles. Of course, of course, Rob. It's all a written message. It was all normal until one day it wasn't. Great. One curious child, nosy little prick, as they're known. Expecting the usual, maybe a pound note, maybe an order for some bubble bath,

decided to have a peek inside the envelope, marked from Pools to Avon. So why are the Pools and Avon interacting? I think what is happening is they'd get the kids to go, oh, give that letter to number 57. That's their slip for their pools. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can you give that to this person? Because that's the receipt or they've got, so stuff was getting dropped off all the time and kids love a little job. So that's what I'm imagining. Yeah, I get it. Anyway, so one curious child had a peek inside an envelope marked from Pools to Avan. So it's not nuddy picks, is it? What they found instead was not...

Lacey underwear. Not what anyone would call standard correspondence. It was a handwritten poem. Oh no. Enthusiastic, unfiltered, and very much not meant for young eyes. Oh no. Describing one of their recent,

rather less than subtle, alfresco rendezvous. Oh, my word. That child, understandably shocked and fascinated in equal measure, did what children do best, told everyone and showed them. Oh! The secret didn't stand a chance. within what felt like minutes the whole estate knew.

The accidental meetings, the suspicious timing of the envelopes, it all clicked into place. What had been quite speculation had turned into full-blown revelation. And the ending, almost as bold as a story itself, not long after the truth came out, both of them left their respective partners and set up home together. Of course. Scandless, yes, but in its own strange way, oddly straightforward.

The Avon Lady and the Pools Man stopped pretending. Such a 70s, 80s story, isn't it? I love it. And the estate got a story. It would be telling for Deca. Oh, lovely. They were like little local legends to Paul's Man on the Aval. Also, so gender types.

Paul's Man, Avon lady. I'm not fucking about with perfumes. So what's Avon? Is that like perfumes and cosmetics? But in a magazine that you order. Right, okay, yeah. The M&M catalog was a big deal when that used to get delivered to the house. We've got like a neighbourhood magazine.

It's great. Oh, have you? Yeah. Saw it when I got home, yeah. Talking about the news. Local resident Josh Whitakam, new host of Strictly Come Dancing. Oh, I tell you. there's like a quiz in it and stuff like why was this person it was like there was one where it was

why why was Nigel Mansell seen at this bus stop in the late 90s. But in the area? So it's a quiz about the area. Yeah. And it was like, oh, he was looking at one of the schools to see whether his daughter should go that. It was like incredible. How am I going to know that? Brilliant.

That's a good quiz though, if you want to be aware of the local area. Yeah. How are you finding life in Exit? You've been there not that much, have you really, recently? No, exactly. I know I am here now. This is it. I love it. For a month. Yeah, I've really, really love life in Exeter. It's going well. I'm looking forward to having the house finished.

I bet you are. Because once it's finished, you can start doing it again. Exactly. We can move. We can move further, further away from London. When's it going to be finished? Midsummer, I'd say. Can I give a little prediction? House versus Strictly, I suppose, is the big race. Yeah, what's going to be done? first. The first episode is Shrictly or the hell, I think Strictly wins that. Do you want to bet on it?

Yeah, I'll bet you. If your building work's not done, you've got to give me a shout out in the first episode of Strictly. Okay. And if it is done, you've got to come and do the terms and conditions one week. Bill. Sold to the man in the ballroom. In the ballroom. Do you want to do the next one? Do you mean to do it? I could do it. Please keep me anonymous, exclamation mark. I was the manager of a pub and made friends. with some of the staff similar to my age. One of my friends was a couple. He was the chef and she worked front of house.

She was also my assistant manager. Okay. I hope this isn't the guy saying that he's the shagger. By the way, we'll accept emails from the playground shaggers themselves. We've never had that. We'd love to hear it from the horse's mouth, the big horny horse. Particularly if you feel like your story has been told unfairly, feel free to give your side. And if you did do so mental, say you were, Dean, you know, Dean,

and Dean's dad started shagging Dean's nan, let us know why. How fit we talking? Exactly. Now, this chef has a reputation for being a bit of a flirt, but since he met his girlfriend, he's calmed down and seemed happy. So this is the owner of the pub, yeah? No, manager, manager of the pub.

He didn't like working the early mornings, but had seemingly been swapping his shifts to do so, which was a bit peculiar. It was also noticed that my assistant manager had asked to swap her shifts too. Are they not a couple? No, I don't think they're a couple. I think they're just two staff members.

One of my friends was a couple. He was the chef and she was the front of house. So they've both been swapping. In front of half? House. Hars? Not putting two and two together. I just said fine, yeah, fine.

Win, win for me, not getting up in the morning to open up. One particular shift, the chef had gone to get dressed to go on his split shift. And one of my bar staff had gone up the stairs. And she found some love notes in his scrawny handwriting. So we knew they were his. professing his love to someone and that he couldn't wait for them to be able to be out in the open.

Thinking it was all a bit weird, the bar staff ran downstairs and showed us. Meanwhile, my assistant manager looking absolutely shell-shocked and was trying to redirect the conversation. We put the note down on the side to go and show someone else, only to find when we came back,

it had gone and nobody could find it. At this stage, if they're not in relationships, it's just two people getting off at work, isn't it? Exactly. Fast forward a week later. My friend who worked front of house, who was also the chef's girlfriend, no. So he's going out with the front of house person.

Right. The assistant manager, sorry, isn't the front of house person. Right. So there's a front of house person. It's the chef's girlfriend. No, no. Right. He was a chef and she worked front of house.

She was also my assistant manager. I feel like this has been written by some sort of fucking virgin that's never seen two people get off of each other at work. Am I wrong? Well, let's carry on. Last four a week later. My friend who I don't understand what's going on. Can you pick it out? My friend who worked front of house, who was also the chef's girlfriend,

approached me, saying she had a weird feeling that her boyfriend was out somewhere. He shouldn't have been, as he didn't appear home for a couple of hours. He just said he got caught in traffic. I quickly said, don't be silly. You know if he had to pop into town. Town could be hectic. Well, two days passed, and I had a phone call for my neighbour, saying some weird cars had pulled up on my drive and had accessed my house, and they wanted to show me the CCTV. what's going on?

I don't understand what's going on. I don't know. Maybe, maybe, or the chef is shagging someone else isn't his partner at the manager's house. Yeah. Thinking nothing of it, I turned up to my neighbours to check the CCTV to see my assistant manager's car parked out front as she was puppy sitting. Ah. To then see the chef's car pull up at my house and waltz in there. They're alone for an hour and a half in my house.

Right, okay. Once I got this footage, I was livid. I rang his girlfriend and explained everything. Oh, right. So he's got a girlfriend that doesn't work at the... No, she works there. She works there as well. At the moment, I feel like I'm trying to explain to my dad how chat GBT works.

So, chef is dating front of house woman. Assistant Manager also works there. Assistant Manager's puppy sitting. He's gone around there to have an affair with the assistant manager at the manager of the pub's house whilst his girlfriend works at the bar. Yeah. Once I got this footage, I was livid.

I rang his girlfriend and explained everything. He denied anything ever happened and the couple are still together. Oh. If only my dog could talk. She's the only one who truly knows what happened. Great point. Please keep me anonymous. Keep up the great work.

You've been my ride or die podcast since day one and I am new mum and soon to be having another only 18 months apart. Two under two, what have I done from an non? There we go. Well, that makes sense. That's why she can't fucking put an email together. Her ads all over the place. It's all over the place.

Great email, though. No, I think we got it in the end. Maybe it's just us not being a bit simple. Yeah. Here we go. Hi, Rob and Josh. Love the podcast. Day one listener, never missed an episode.

Bullshit. But I'll take that back if it's true. I absolutely love knowing I'm not the only one who hasn't got a clue what he's doing and just wings it and hopes of the best. And Sam, it always seems to work out right at the end. Is that what they've taken from this podcast? Yeah. That's exactly what they've taken from this podcast.

Not that, you know, we play these sort of like compromised characters, but actually we're really sort of switched on intelligent and used this chaos as actually a market employer to push our own economic and egotistical goals forward. No, they've not taken that. No, no, fair enough. They've taken the truth. The jig continues.

The greatest trick the devil ever played was convinced the world it didn't exist, right? Exactly. The greatest trick the devil ever played was starting a podcast. Anyway, I've got a playground, Shaggar story for you that still lives in my head rent-free. This goes back to when I was in year nine. Our maths block was one long corridor, a mid-less and we suddenly heard absolute chaos kicking off outside. Not your usual someone's being pushed into a locker-type noise.

This was proper commotion. Naturally, the less interested of the class immediately get up and leave, running outside to see what the commotion is. We step out onto the corridor and it's like the Coliseum. Kids everywhere, crowding round in a full. circle chanting fight, fight, fight, like we're at a pay-per-view boxing event. You've got one lad commentating like it's match of the day, someone else shout and smash his head in, like she's in the UFC, and everyone's absolutely buzzing to see this

exclusive event right in the corridor. Oh my word. And in the middle of all of it, one of our teachers, let's call her Miss Smith, she was actually a mass teacher, but also helped out in PE, which in hindsight makes this whole thing even more fitting. She was already known for being a bit emotionally fragile. I mean, this woman cried in lessons, not like end-a-term emotional speech crying,

just like full-on Tuesday afternoon breakdowns. Anyway, she absolutely lost it. She's got the new PE teacher, Mr. Mallard, backed into a corner outside the canteen, and she's absolutely battering him with a blue plastic cricket bat. So Mr. Mallard's getting smashed by Mrs. Smith, full-on whacking him like a gangster who's owed money.

teachers eventually parling to break it up. Miss Smith is in absolutely hysteric, sobbing, screaming the works. Mr Mallard looks completely shell-shocked, like he'd just come out of the trenches, then both of them disappear. A couple of days go by, no sign of either. Rumors start flying. Obviously, when Mr. Mallard comes back,

it turns out Ms. Smith had been having an affair with him. Not only that, she'd left her husband thinking they were going to ride off in the sunset together. Romance, passion, a shared love of sports halls. Oh, no. Except Mr Mallard had other ideas. Oh, Mr Mallard. Fucking duck-faced prick.

He basically told her, yeah, this isn't going to work and broke things off. To be fair, he was in his 20s, she was in her early 30s, married, and things had clearly escalated way beyond a casual fling. After blowing up her entire life for this bloke, she understandably, but also wildly snapped and went full gladi out of a plastic cricket bat in the middle of school. Oh, God. We never saw Miss Smith again. Oh no.

Mr Mallard carried on teaching PE like nothing had happened. The cheek of Mr Mallard. The cheek of it. Matt, he couldn't do cricket. He'd go, look, I'm going to have to tap out of cricket just from PTSD. Can't hold that blue bat. Pretty much every lad in our PE class used to give him banter about Miss Smith every lesson. And all he'd do was smirk and laugh, not say a word.

Everyone I ever told this story to that wasn't there doesn't believe me. But the school we went to had so many stories like this, it actually got knocked down 12 months later. and when we left it reopened under a completely new name to try and shape the reputation. I still managed to get an education. What, Mr Mallard? I think the school was in a bad way

and they basically knocked it down and started again. I think at my school you'd have got into trouble for taking the piss out of a PE teacher about the fact he'd had an affair. I think it's the way you're doing it. I don't think my PE teacher would have just laughed it off. But look, so you're Mr Mallard, okay? Yeah, okay.

You're teaching cricket. Tell me how to hold the bat. Okay, so you left or right-handed? Right-handed, sir. Right-handed. So put your left hand at the top of the bit of the top, and then your right hand at the bottom. Keep them closer together you might naturally think.

Cool. Mr Mallard, when I saw Miss Smith using it, she sort of was hitting it over onto you as opposed to under. Is that how you hit a cricket bat? Why don't you shut up, you little... Quack, quack. Mr Mallard. Mr. Mallard.

Smith, Mr. Mallard. Quack, quack. Crank, right. Poor Miss Smith. Poor Miss Smith. Right. Hi, both. I've been listening to you since I found out I was pregnant with my first,

who is now 18 months old. Please keep me anonymous as this is about me. Well, we are getting it from the horse's mouth. Yeah, too right. When I was around the age of 21, I worked in a pharmacy in a supermarket chain in a small university town outside Liverpool. Okay, let's guess where that is.

What is a small university town outside Liverpool? I don't know really what that means. So should I Google small university time outside Liverpool? Yeah, with a supermarket that's got a chemist in it. Okay, it's quite a lot to type in. This was 2019 when COVID was all the rage. So we hired a delivery driver. Because she's so young then, really.

Yeah. The most prominent small university town just outside of Liverpool is Ormskirk. Right, okay. Ormskirk. Sounds like something sex, isn't it? Do you think? I got Ormskirk last night. I don't know.

if it does, Rob. I don't know what you and Lua are up to, but I don't think I've ever been ormskirk. I feel to finger up the bum and a slap around the cheeks. Yeah, I've never been ormskirked. I've got Ormskirked last night. Do you want to be Ormskirked? I'd hate to be Omskirked.

No, I'd hate to be Ormskirked. It'd be awful. Not at both at the same time. I'd rather be ormsed, little break than Kirkd. Which bits or arms and which bits of curked? Fingers Orms, Kirk. So you'd prefer to be Orm's? No, I'd refer to be Kirked.

But if I'd refer to be Kirked. but if I had to do both, I'd probably do orms-dverse thing, followed by Kurt. Is it with the same hand, though? Because in which case, I might be kirked before I got arms. No, no, I'd have to request separate hands because the slap will be too near the nose. And as much as I'd clean it down there, within minutes it goes back to the stench.

You cannot keep an arse old clean for longer than the 30 seconds of air drying it out of the shower and then your body's straight back at producing stench. And that's everyone's ass. That's not just me. I'm not having to go at you if you've got a smelly ass. that's just, you know, flesh on flesh about much air. That's just science.

You can change your pants after as many gigs as you want, but you're fighting and losing hell. You could have sun spells, under armour or Tom Fawls. Your asshole's going to stink and we're all just hiding it. This was 2019 when COVID was all the rage, so we hired a delivery driver to get prescriptions out to patients. Oh, you can't, Orms Kirk, with social distancing. So let's rule that out.

I was very single at this point. I was told by the hiring manager that they're going to hire a delivery driver for me in the hopes that I wouldn't be very single anymore. What? So they were trying to find a delivery driver that she'd like, okay. Flash forward a few weeks, and they had hired a new delivery driver, and the manager had me teach him the ropes.

I will admit that we hid it off like a house on fire, exchange numbers ready for when he would start delivering. Oh my word. The exchange of numbers led to a lot of late-night texts and flirting went back in work. Flash forward a few weeks. Next door to the pharmacy was our storage room, which we could lock from the inside.

Yes. And I had to tidy in there to be able to get stock to bring into the pharmacy. The lad had been sent into the room to help me move things around. Oh yeah. I bet he has.

Yeah. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex there in the middle of the work day. The door's locked. No one could come in and there were no cameras. Bear in mind. Three paragraphs ago she was talking about the spread of COVID.

She just like jizz on all everyone's fucking off medicine, getting dished out. On their masks. People getting thrush off their fucking BPU. After the deed was done, I made myself look more presentable and took some things back into the pharmacy and all eyes were on me.

I was wondering why everyone was looking at me until a few minutes later, I heard what I could describe as a noise that made my stomach drop. The delivery driver had put his music on low in the room next door whilst he was working. What I didn't realize that there was a vent in the roof of the storage room that led to the vent in the pharmacy. Oh, so they heard it.

The noise travelled very well through and the wall that we had just had sex on was paper thin. This man that every single person that was standing in this dispensary, the pharmacy, it just heard me and the delivery driver. Oh my God. Having sex, the last 15 minutes, fair play. 15 minutes. And this was why they were looking at me like I had three heads. When I realized this, I ran out of the pharmacy.

I'm back next door to our delivery driver for a second helping. No, no, obviously. It's going to say, it makes sense why it takes so long to get a prescription at the chemist if that's like that. Next door to our delivery driver

to tell him what everyone just heard and that I needed some moral support in the pharmacy. He laughed at me and went back to work. We kept doing the deed the entire time he worked at the pharmacy And a year or so, well, in the thing Oh no, there must be not doing it in the cupboard yet But they've just been getting here.

And a year or so later, after he left, we're still friends this day and we laugh about What everyone must have heard through the vent that day, anonymous. Love it. Storage shaggers. Storage shaggers. Good honour. But if anyone is in Ormskirk

and they know a supermarket with a pharmacy, just have a little look for some vents. Might be a little loving up your next big shop. Do you want another one? I'll do it. Yeah, I'll give you another one. That was actually from the Shagga's mouth. Hello, you sexy relatable trio.

Please keep me anonymous. My mum is on, I mean, the relatable things really, Michael's having to really carry the relatable stuff where you're the host of Strictly and I've just done traitors. Yeah. It's not your normal dads at the school gates at the moment. But, you know, our careers will sort of fizzle out at some point. It's just everything's momentary, in it.

Please keep me anonymous. My mum is on the senior leadership team at an inner city secondary school, meaning some other stories she tells her absolute corkers. However, one particular story that she rang and told me the other day had me thinking of this pod immediately, and I had to share. Here we go. One day, a supply teacher covered a year eight science lesson,

and one of the girls left sobbing at the beginning of the class, stating she refused to go back in, thinking it was peer-related or something had happened in a previous lesson, the girls referred to her head of year, who was the one who ended up feeding it back to my, mom. Turns out this girl knew this supply teacher. This is year eight, by the way. This is Warren. She knew this supplier teacher. Now this supply teacher mostly did work as a private tutor and had previously tutored this particular girl and her brother at their house, which the school was

fully aware of, as anyone who works in a school has to disclose if they have any prior or existing relationships with any of the children. However, what had failed to be disclosed was this tutor had been doing a bit more than tutoring. Oh, no. Please don't be a piece. don't, I can't. That doesn't count as playground shaggers, by the way. Don't, we don't want those. Yeah, we're just,

we're not looking for that kind of story. No. He had had an affair with the mum of this girl. Thank God. Yeah, good on him. Yeah, good man, good lad. Good, normal bloke. Anyway, which resulted in the splitting of her parents.

Oh, actually, sorry about that. We went early on that, actually. Sorry, sorry, all. Sorry, everyone. this part had obviously not been told to the school. As flashed forward to the present day, they now had an inconsolable girl and a very angry dad to deal with.

Oh, no. Who was rightfully fuming, his daughter had to be put in a classroom and the man that broke up their family. Oh, my God. It is awful. Yeah. It will not come to be a surprise that the man is no longer one of the supply teachers

at the school and many apologies were made. That is, yeah, I think we trivialise that a little bit too much. It's quite a horrific story on paper, but positive, no pedo. No Pido's always positive. Another broken home. Exactly. Thanks.

Another broken home. Tell you what, Anon should be on a revenue split for this show. The man Anon sends you. What a great guy, Anon. Anon is fucking loose-lipped Anon. Yeah. What a life he's lived. Lose Anon.

Do you know what I love to go to night out with Anon? The stories Anon's got. The stories. Great guy. Loose-lipped, bitch. Here we go. Around 15 years ago at the start of September, a day before I started year 11, my dad came home early from work.

He was a teacher at a high school I attended. He came back early from the teacher training day to talk to me. He sat me down, told me that he and my mum were getting divorced, but were still friends and were going to try and stick out living together until my final year at school was done. He was only telling me now, as the other teachers at school knew so he wanted to tell me before I went back the next day. That's all fine. That's all normal.

Fast forward to the springtime. The following year, and one afternoon, before leaving school. One of the other teachers, Miss Smith, not a real name, not her again. Oh, it's not Miss Smith again. Poor old cow. Fucking hell. Cricket batting hand.

Sorry, Miss Smith. She was walking back to the staff room with a big bunch of roses. She doesn't learn. She does not learn. Oh, that poor woman. She was trying to get that duck tattoo re-touched up and covered up. Mr. Mallard for life. She was a teacher that had the reputation of being quite mean and not many people liked her.

so everyone was very shocked, including myself. When school had finished that day, while in the car on the way home, I said to my dad, did you see the roses Miss Smith had today? I wonder who sent them. We're shocked someone like so enough to send them roses. My dad, not being the romantic type at all, said he hadn't seen them. And that was the end of that. Nothing out of the ordinary there.

He was a very laid-back man, and he probably genuinely couldn't have given a shit. Or so I thought. A few months went by, and nothing else. else have known had happened at school when my dad ended up moving out. After he moved out a few weeks later, he admitted that those roses were in fact from him to Miss Smith and they were now together. Not Miss Smith. Not Miss Smith.

My dad was now dating my geography teacher. Oh, that's the worst in it. Art or drama you'd take, but fucking geography. It's bad enough going to the school your parents work at, let alone them being with another teacher and that teacher being a teacher nobody likes. The gossip went around and eventually everyone got over it and moved on. The following year in sick form, I took geography as an A-level subject. Oh, no.

And who should the teacher be, of course, my new step-mom? I think in a school... Yeah, you should not teach your new stepchildren. I don't think that's a total surprise. Because how many geography teachers are in a school? Three or four. Do you know what I mean? It's not like...

Yeah, they're dying off if it wants to be a geography teacher, do you know what I mean? Exactly. Lease sexy of all the things. subjects? Leasex of all the subjects. Geography's up there, isn't it? Biology. Biology is sexy. Sexy. I think R.E.

Because there's something quite kind of... Tweet about that. Other world. No, but like there's a spark, isn't there? Like, an testament like... If it comes to religion, they don't mind shagging, do they? Exactly. There's a sex to R.E., I think. Yeah. A frisson. P.E., they're normally sexy. They're

sex people. They're sex people. Geography's down there. But music, they're pretty cool, art, drama. A bit like, they're bit funky. Music, art, they could just, you know. Yeah, they'd probably have a spliff and wank someone off, wouldn't they? French. Oh, my word.

Oh, yeah, sexy, sexy, sexy. Oh, my word. Jeetame. German teacher, maybe not. Maybe not. And then you get into your geography, your maths, your dusties. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

Yeah, but yeah, maths, yeah, maybe maths, but then it's sort of, at least you get, geography, I don't know. All the technology is quite unsexy, I'd say. Yeah, IT support, yeah. I don't even know what they do these days. Do they do like woodwork and stuff? My daughter's never said she's doing woodwork. I don't know.

Woodwork, got woodwork, got woodwork today. We have woodwork. Maybe secondary score they do woodwork. Yeah, yeah, we had it in section. Not primary. Or sitting my exam, there was, much to my delight, a fire alarm. The exam wasn't going well, but this gave me an opportunity to escape. When returning back to the hall, and they said we have an extra half an hour added on.

I decided I was going to make a break. break and leave. Upon leaving, I was greeted by Miss Smith shouting and me to get back in the room. I refused and swiftly made my way to my dad's classroom. He called me later that evening to tell me Miss Smith had called him and broken up with him because she said he had taken my side and couldn't be with him because of this incident. Oh, Miss Smith can piss off. My dad said very laid back about the situation, even found it quite funny and said something along the lines of she won't mean it. safe to say his instincts were right.

And 15 years on, they're still together, and we do get on very well. Oh, okay. Well, not fuck Miss Smith. Thank you for keeping me saying, well, looking after a four-year-old and a feral, one-year-old, Anon. There you go, you all, fellow. Anon!

If you want to use Miss Smith for all of your anonymous female teachers, I wouldn't regret it. I feel sorry for Miss Smith. Please send more in Playground Show because we love them. And also, imagine this. Imagine this. Imagine this. Send in your imagine this.

And we want your food confessions. mentioned before. Okay, hi Rob, Josh and Michael. After a tough start to 2026, with us sadly experiencing a miscarriage and both needing some time away from work to process it. Of course, that was a gear shift. I wasn't expecting to do. Yes, that is a gear shift. That was quite the one show there, but I haven't pre-read the script or I've just gone straight in. Sorry if I started that too jolly. Now, Shannon has shown incredible strength through this miscarriage. She's used this time to focus her energy on something positive and has launched a new business venture, Shannon's Home Cleaning Services.

If you are based in the Greater Manchester area and are looking for a reliable, high-quality cleaner, she'd love to hear from you. You can find her on Instagram at Shannon's Home Cleaning, where you also see the attached price list. Thanks very much for taking the time to read this. Best regards, Luke. There you go. You're a good man, Luke and Shannon, good luck with your new venture if you're in the

Greater Manchester area. I mean, if you want to spread out to the Greater Liverpool area, there are some stock near Olmskirk they need a good fucking scrub. So maybe you could clear that up as well, Shannon. Good luck with a new venture. Good luck with a new venture, Shannon. Hello, you sexy and relatable trio. I'm an OG listener of the podcast and I am now a huge fan of Lou.

Already well into audio book loving it and though I have a husband like Rob who is completely involved and gets it, I feel validated. Thank you, Lou. Well done, Lou. I'd like to shout out my primary age tutoring business. so many children are now struggling with mainstream setting whether through an S-E-N-D diagnosis or becoming overwhelmed in the classroom. I have 17 years of experience working with children in all sorts of background with a broad range of needs. I'm Sheffield-based and offer children and family support academically or work on social and life skills, tailoring sessions to individual needs available on Monday and Tuesday day, time and evenings through the week.

email me at wonder years tutoring wonder years tutoring at gmail.com as I am sure I can help your child. Brilliant work. Alice, thank you guys. I just put some socks on and I forget we filmed this. Is that normal? No, I like it. I like it. Just put my socks back on because I got cold. Thanks for listening, guys. I enjoyed that. Thank you. Bye.