Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S12 EP48: Stop me if you've heard this one before

Episode Date: June 19, 2026

More misadventures in parenting, life, and beyond with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe... there's a playground shaggers voicenote, some more of our new feature - Imagine This, and plenty more from the listener inbox. Keep them coming in! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Parenting Hell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ is a Spotify Podcast, new video episodes available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please subscribe and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xxx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] Follow us on instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@parentinghell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

From Disney and Pixar, Toy Story is back. Woody! I can't hear as fast as they could. It's been too long, Cowboy. Featuring Taylor Swift's all-new-new-song, I knew it, I knew you. I remember I loved you. Came back when it mattered I saw you. Our mission on this planet is to make a child happy.

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With Wayfair, there's no what if. Just style you love and quality you can trust. Visit Wayfair.com. Wayfair, every style, every home. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Can you say Josh Whitaker? Josh Whitaker. How you say, Rob Beckett?

Rob Beckett. Aw. There you go. That's a good one, wouldn't it? Yeah. Molly Ruth, aged four from Bulf Wells in Midwale. I've been Buf Wells. Yeah?

They were arguing about Morrison's being built or something. Did you do a gig there? I think I've done a gig in Bills Wales. Yeah, I've done a warm-up gig there, but years ago. Bulf Wells. It's like the bottom of like the brick and beacons, I think. Yeah, Midwales, yeah. Repeating your names as her, Moorma, Nan,

leaves to go to see Josh is not my cover teetalk. Oh, there's a while ago. My mum, Mormon, Moormum, Moorma, more more more more has been a long time fan and tells everyone that will listen about the podcast we both came to see the parenting hell tour and mum met Rob Beckett outside his Liverpool tour show

secretly hoping to meet Josh Whittickham tonight as well she's an Uber Keen superfan and has forced me to sing tonight oh she's going to your show tonight it was May the 10th cent it was in Cardiff do I remember if I met her I have no idea Is there a photo of her? No I don't remember leaving

Cardiff. Just looking at notable people from Bulf Wales. Yeah. Cesar Jenkins? No. Played for Wales

between 1866 and 1941. Yeah. Eight caps. Percy Benzie Aibery? No. Grenville Morris. All-time record

goal scorer for Nottingham Forest. Yeah. Oh, he retired in 1959. David Milwyn-Duggan. Yeah. Do you know him? No. Hill Devorn

Hill Devorn No novelist Kevin Sheedy Yes played for Everton and the Republic of Ireland In the 80s and the 90s Lolo Williams No TV presenter

Alice Hart Davis No Jack Harris No That's the notable people To the one notable person I'd heard of Played for Ireland Where you from

Where is it your town again Hait or Vale That's your village Oh no, it's born in London. But you brought up in Hayter Vale? Yeah, but you're not going to get anyone from that. How do you spell that? H-A-Y, T-O-R.

H-A-R, I've literally spoken. H-A-Y. T-O-R, space. Yeah. V-A-L-A-L-E. What is a veil? I think it's like a valley, V-A-V-A-R-A-R-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-E-L-E-E-L-E, I'd go.

I go search, Islington comes up. Ilzington. Ilzington, Rob. What's Ilzinton? It's a village three miles from Hay to Ohio. Yeah, you've got nothing here, mate. Fucking hell. It's just like a road.

Like a road with two houses on. No. There's at least ten houses. Ten! Let me send you a picture of it. Should I do Bromley, notable people? Yeah, well, I can tell you the notable people from Bromley. I'm actually from Mottingham is where I'm actually from.

Okay, that's more like it. That's more like it. There we go. The notable people from Mottingham. Notable residents. W. G. Grace. Biggie, quicker. Eric Liddle, Scottish Sprint and Rugby Plan. No.

Christian missionary born in Taijin, China to Scottish missionary parents. Is this you? Jesus. Dennis Healy. Yep, Labour Shadow Chancellor or Chancellor? Yeah. Rob Beckett? Oh, the photo of me is me shit-faced on drunk history.

Oh, no. God. Sir John Bertram Adams. No. Jeffrey Llewell Balagan No Runner Charles Falkhard

No Fair enough Dennis Healy's quite a big name Big big name Big dog of the 70s political scene Yes I'm going to say it That's the most boring four minutes

of podcast than we've ever done Your audacity To criticize Stephen Marlow On the last episode Are we do Like Sheedy, or whatever that fucking player's name was. You know it was.

I can't remember now. I was just thinking. Kevin Sheedy? Yeah, I know who Kevin Cheedy is. I was just thinking... The Eberton team that won the Cup Winners Cup and the league in the same year. All I'm saying is, is that opinion of it being boring at all influenced by the fact in the last episode that we recorded?

And I don't know how it goes out in transmission. We talked about bald men. And you said you've got absolutely no problem with your headlong whatsoever. But you've come in hot after what I thought was, quite a kooky little start. Michael? Where are you from? Where are you from?

Let's play a new game. Come on. You're from the Islewhite, aren't you? I'm from the other white. No. I was born in Newport, but I grew up in Shanklin. Here we go.

You're going to start getting into this now. Here we go. Which do you want? Shanklin or Newport? Which do you feel more energy? I'll put a bit of energy into it this time. Yeah. Well, I can tell you the most famous people.

from the Islewhite. Okay, okay. Wet leg. Who's that? Anthony Miguelar, I think, is... Oh, that's good. That's good. Who's he?

He's the Academy Award-winning director. Oh, just fucking retire from us and go and do a film, Michael. We know you're in a heart's not in it. Just fuck off and make a film, yeah? How'd you like that for boring, right? The English patient he directed. Oh, I had to respect, actually. Great film.

Great film. Wet leg, obviously, a new edition. Yeah. He's not from there, but he lived there a long time. bless you. It feels like three old blokes and old people, so arguing, sneezing, shitting. The guy from level 42?

Mark King. Yeah. There's the game. Yeah, he's the main one. Mark King had his thumbs insured for a million pounds. What does he do with his thumbs? Because he played bass. He played slap bass.

Right. Okay, so do you want me to livid this up then? Dame Ellen MacArthur, Michael? Well, look, no, come on. Michael. I don't teach, Marshall. Michael. Michael tried to stop this,

and now he's poured petrol. Right, I've got, what are you looking out on your phone now, Josh? Famous people from the Isle of White. Right, okay. There's quite a few there in Parkhurst. Lord Tennyson lived there for a long time.

Who's in Parkhurst at the moment? Well, they've downgraded it as a security, so there's not really the same as far as one. There's nothing going right for the Isle of White anymore. Just, right, okay, let's change tact. I've just done a bit of banter on the school WhatsApp group. Oh, no.

But by accident, right? So the kids have got a swimming lesson, well, not lesson, swimming club, and they've been asked to bring in clothes. You know about this? Where you basically wear your pajamas or shorts and T-shirt, so you practice getting in and out of the water if you fall in in clothes, yeah?

Yeah. What they've said in the email is, you've said, I've sent them in a diver's outfits. No, no, no, well, no, something similar. In a minute, I'll tell you what's happened, and you guess what I've said, okay? They said, during your daughter's Monday, swimming lesson, we'll be moving onto personal survival,

life-saving from the 8th of June. so can she bring to school, shorts and a t-shirt that she's happy to wear over a costume in the swimming pool. She'll need to bring in her costume goggles, hat and tail still. Best wishes teacher. Bye-bye. Then someone said, what kind of shorts and t-shirt should we send? Just cotton or swimming shorts and t-shirt. What does happy to wear mean in this case?

My daughter's happy to wear all her clothes but doesn't go swimming in them. I'm sure they won't be comfortable when they're wet. I think this person's overthinking it, Rob. Yeah, I think so. I think maybe she's not realized it's a personal safety. supposed to be like they need extra clothes to swim in. The idea is their normal clothes. So I think she's missed,

Ms. Reddit. Someone said, it's supposed to give them the idea of what it would be like to fall in by accident and have to save themselves. Jesus worked. Jumping to rescue someone else, saying they know what it would feel like and less likely to panic if it happens. So they might have to practice taking off the extra layers that might hinder them in the water.

Come on, guys. Just so normal clothes. This is swimming 101. So just normal clothes. What are goggles? But she doesn't need prescription lenses. How much region are they doing down there? To be fair, I think the lady's probably in a biddy flat was caught the wrong end of the stick.

And so this nicer lady who's not taking the piss on a podcast has written back space his own. So just normal clothes, not special swimming shoots or anything. I remember doing this at school. Also, in defence of the lady, I don't think she went to school in England so maybe this isn't the thing they did elsewhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's, you know, fair enough.

Yeah. And someone said, I think I'll do cycling shorts and a bag of a t-shirt. You know, just shipping. Oh, to be fair, the lady has gone, oh, wow, that's really cool. I'll just send anything in then that's fine. Yeah. So she didn't know that you do this. All good.

Then she did say she would more likely be wearing a dress in real life. She doesn't have many shorts other than school shorts. Good point. Good point. Maybe send a dress. I think we also had to trap in airing wet t-shirt. But everyone's just talking about what they did at school now. but listening.

And then someone said, I'm going to send him in this. So I've said, and I regret it now because I've read it back and it was a miscommunication. Do you want to guess? So were you trying to be funny?

I am being funny just to try and, because, you know. So you've come up with like a funny outfit. I'm going to send them in dressed as an Elizabethan or whatever. Yeah. I'm going to send them in dressed. But Elizabeth,

because it's not very me, is it? No. Dressed as what's very you? what GK Barry I'll give you a clue I'm not saying as I'm saying in dressed in

not lingerie Rob no that would be mental did we tell you dressed in a full arsenal kit I've got we're going dungarees

and a turtlenect jumper bit of fun yeah bit of fun and has anyone replied no probably won't either

oh no actually someone's typing oh exceptional buoyancy tick bit of fun a bit of back and full fun but I And now reading it in reflection, I understand that the ladies now understood what they want.

Are you going to reply to exceptional buoyancy? Nothing. How about boys will be buoyancy? Just reply that. Boys will be buoyancy? Yeah. Well, at the moment, it's a school group, but I'm probably, how many men are on it? Well, there's 67 members, I'd say, I'd say 70% women and the other 30% men do not speak on it.

Can you reply, boys will be buoyancy with three of those emojis, where there's a, wink with the tongue out. Absolutely not. It's made me go itchy. I'll never write on there anyway, unless I need actually intel. Yeah. I'm not. I take the piss out of the WhatsApp groups, really, but then I'm absolutely like a desperate,

thirsty, dehydrated man in a desert if I need information on a presentation and someone swoops in. I'm not far off, not writing on it, but I do a bit. But I do try and. inject humor and I just, yeah. I got rid of cars to you on there the other day actually. Yeah, but he's injecting humor into a WhatsApp group when you're a comedian, a bit tragic.

It's like someone singing that can sing a karaoke. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean, that's the danger in a WhatsApp group. You know, you don't want to be that guy who's just constantly like trying to pump out laughs, you know, as you heard in the first four minutes of this part. Exactly. Do you know what I've got into, Rob? Oh, go on.

So you and I listen to the Comedians, comedian podcast. Yes, I do. Not as much as I used to, but it's not a dig at it. I've been really busy, but I do love it when I've got a chance. Yeah. So this is Stuart Goldsmith, the comedian, interviewing other comedians, right? About comedy. It's a brilliant podcast if you are into comedy and the work into comedy.

And also, to a certain degree, if you like hearing mad people, be mad because comedians are mad. Exactly. Let's cut to the chase. Let's cut to the chase. Let's be honest. It's quite handy to listen about stuff to do with. the psychology of it and techniques, but also it's more fun listening to someone

who's an absolute lunatic being absolutely lunatic. Yeah, he quoted me and I had to text him and I don't think I ever said that. What quote? If it was a good quote, why don't you just let people think that is what you said? Because I didn't understand what it meant. What the quote? Yeah, he was interviewing Sarah Pascoe on the most recent one, excellent episode.

Love Sarah Pascoe. And he said, I remember Josh Whittickham's view on this is he said, if a joke reveals a wider truth, then it is true. And I thought, I don't think that sounds like something I'd say. Yeah, but it sounds quite good. I would just have not said anything. I don't know what it means. I know, but it feels good.

If people are quoting you on podcasts as something that's like, Josh, look, if someone's quoting you with a quote that sounds really intelligent and worldly and wise, with our current output, fucking coming onto that. I thought it was not happening a lot anywhere else. I thought it was damaging my brand, Rob. I was just like this this isn't what kind of stuff

I'm putting out into the world there's like a weird AI fake Instagram account right about and it was about brothers or something and it's like every year celebrates like brother there's a day where you celebrate brothers and it gets quotes from people who have said stuff about having brothers

and then it like got must some AI things gone through like my book where in my book I say I had four brothers it was a lot of fun and then I go into stories about my brothers but they just every year quote up Rob Beckett on brothers I had four brothers

it was a lot of fun. And I'm like, what a waste of a fucking quote? Like, what is, everyone? I'm like, what, that is mental. And it's not even a quote. It's the start of a bit. Yeah. It was a lot of fun.

And it goes into a whole chapter, right? But it's just that. And I thought, why I quote that? So you said, if a joke reveals a truth. A wider truth. I don't even, I can't even remember it because it doesn't make sense to me. And you're like, yeah. If a joke reveals a wider truth, then it is true.

What was you, what wider truth are you trying to? I don't think, I've ever revealed wide truth. You do reveal things that people don't realize they've thought. I'd say my truths I reveal are pretty narrow. I'd say the way you do comedy is, right? You find a subject that people are unaware that they've got a fairly strong opinion or experience with in their mind.

Like something that is actually affecting them day to day, and they've thought the same thing. You find it. You highlight it. And everyone goes, oh, yeah, that. and then a good comedian can do that. A average comedians can't do that. A good comedian, really good comedian can do that.

But then what makes you a great comedian is you will bend them over and slap their ass on every conceivable bit of ass cheek around that subject with nothing left unslapped. Yeah. Like stage afterwards. You will absolutely fully assault that thing that they've just discovered that they've got a connection with them.

And you will say things that I didn't even know I thought, but then I'm like, yeah, maybe you are revealing wider truths. Maybe I'm revealing while I'm truth. I just don't know. Are you a whistleblower on life? I'm a whistleblower on life. It's lock me up. Put me in Gran Tannamo Bay.

Oh, dear. Is Gran Tannamo Bay still going? Couldn't tell you. I don't know. I'm loath to Google it in case fucking Corporal Michael sends me back to the slammer. Joke. PC podcast.

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diversity is a strength that helps Loreal Group create the best beauty products for all people. Visit Loreal.com to learn more. Are you one of those media strategy people clicking through slides, scrolling spreadsheets. Yes? Good. This is for you. Because on Spotify, there's an audience that's different. Locked in. Loyal, invested. They're called fans. Fans don't just listen to music. They feel seen by it, like it belongs to them. So when your brand shows up on Spotify, that's who you're talking to. And you're right next to artists like me, Lizzo. So, are you ready to talk to fans. Spotify advertising. You're among fans. Right. Rob, should we do some correspondence?

Yeah, let's do some correspondence. People are loving our new feature. Oh, imagine this. What was that feature? Just explain it again for those of us that can't remember. Michael? No, imagine this is when you actually imagine it, wasn't it? Yeah. So someone says a sort of a broad description of a thing. So I think it was like a badger riding a cycle. and then we had to describe in detail what we were picturing, you know, what was it, the airing, where was it, the type of bike. Oh, imagine this, I remember. I was good at that.

I like that feature. Here we go. Okay. Hello Rob and Josh from Sunny Wolfram's Joe. Right. Let's quickly find the notable people. Joe, 17. Thanks for the Ace podcast.

I seriously need to stop listening while I'm cycling around town. in giggling and all out gofforing is starting to make me look a little crazy. How you picture that? Imagine that. Right. He's got a penny farming. Topless. Cigar.

Nothing's made me laugh quite as much as imagine this in the recent episode. I feel compelled to send mine in. The scenario is as follows. Please imagine. Okay. We close my eyes. A field mouse rocking out. to the band Queen.

I like it. I don't mind it. You ready? I'm ready. Yeah. Do you want to go? You can go. Right.

So we've got a field mouse that's on our bird feeder a lot. So I'm actually looking at it through my phone on the app, my work phone. Right. And he's there and all the lights from the house are up behind him.

Yeah. He's got the music just playing for the speaker of the bird feeder and he's stood there and he's holding a sunflower seed in his arm with a little yellow jacket on and a white vest. And he's dancing to Queen. That's what I've got.

That's what you're imagining. I'm imagining a cartoon mouse. Yeah. In a field. He's the only one in the field. But then there's like a stage with Queen on in the field. Brian May's there? Well, Freddy's still with us.

Right. So he's just watching them. Is the field mouse in Brian May's hair? No, this field mouse is stood in the field. And he stood on his hind legs like a human being in my head. On his own? On his own. Just rocking out.

Lovely. And actually he's got one arm in the air. I can picture that, yeah. Yeah, he's definitely got one arm in it. Michael, did you want to imagine it? Yeah, yeah. Mine was... What's funny is how genuinely vivid it is.

Like, it really came to life in my mind. It's a good option. Yeah, mine was, he was in his home, but his home was like anthropomorphized, like wind in the willows. It was like an actual house. And he was listening to Queen on, you know, like his vinyl or his record record. But he was dancing around like Hugh Grant in love actually.

As if one was watching. And then he turned around and there was like another like a vole or someone that caught him. He was quite embarrassed. A little bit of shame in your one there, Michael. Imagine that. Imagine that. We just imagined it. Thanks, guys.

Send in your more imagine this is. but thanks for the giggles every week that's from Joe, mum to Daniel. What a feature. Ben, Tom, Ruben. I hope people enjoy it as much as I enjoy doing it. Yeah.

She's got 22-year-old. You can play at home. Yeah, play at home. 22-year-old, 20-year-old, 19-year-old, 17-year-old. Oh, we've got another one here from Rosa. Okay. Mom?

Yeah. Imagine this. A pair of talking slippers. She hasn't done anything. She's just literally written, imagine this. She hasn't said, hi, guys.

Rosa said, Imagine this. A pair of talking slippers on an old man's feet. Yeah, okay. Okay. That's so good. It's a tough one if I'm not. So in my head, he's in a rocking chair.

He's kind of snoozing in a rocking chair. Yeah, yeah. And he's got the classic tartan slippers that have got the small piece of elastic at the side. You know those ones? Yeah. And they're ripped at the end through overuse and that's the mouth. And they're talking to each other. And his legs are crossed and they're talking.

to each other. Right. So my one is sat on a chair in the corner of someone's front room at Christmas, but it's not where a chair normally is. It's like an extra chair. And he's falling asleep and he's got a Christmas hat on, a cardigan on. He's got a bit of gravy on his belly. Oh, nice.

Yeah, yeah. He's fully asleep and he's wearing a big pair of novelty football slippers that his kids have got them. And they've got a little face on and they're just chatting about, just I don't know what they're chatting about, but they just chat noise. He's asleep. Love it. Right.

Love it. Michael, did you want to do one? It's three too many? I don't know. It's fun, man. No, I like it. What have you, Michael?

Mine was like, do you remember the old Ardman creature comfort? Yeah. It was a sort of kind of a claymation style, a really tired old man face on a slipper. He wasn't saying anything, but he looked like he wasn't long for this world. myself. He had a real

little bit of your ones. Yeah. He's got the shame of being caught dancing by a vole and now he's got fucking dead man slippers.

Look, I'm fine being bold, all right, guys. Apart from the worry about shame and death. Yeah. Oh, thanks Michael.

Was that the end? Tried to cut you off there. Is anything else she was imagining or was that that? It was the only context is it was sort of like a sort of early 1980s council house vibe and decor

those story cheaters I think probably have asbestos in them yeah yeah gotcha right nice what a feature Solidarity or solid Karen this was a new feature where if what I gave you a scenario

where someone's child had son on their face in a car park and I told the nan that was looking after him and was that solidarity as a parent or was I being a solid Karen we thought it was solidarity Yes, so we asked just some of there. We've had a lot of messages from the listeners saying they like the feature,

but please can you rename it? Oh. And a lot of these are from people called Karen. Yeah, fair enough. Fair enough. It's not ideal, is it? No, but it's just you just have to accept that. You know, people called Adolf.

They deal with it day to day. You can't help what popular culture has decided for your name. True. Very true. Anyway, send in your suggestions for new names. Until we get a better one, it's solidarity or solid. Karen. Hello, you sex and relatable people. You recently spoke about Rob saving a baby from certain sunburn, and it reminded me of an experience I had last summer. My wife was away for work,

so I took our kids to the beach with another couple and their children. Between us, we had four kids in total. Three of the kids were down by the sea with the other dad, while I sat on a wall chatting with a mum as she looked after the baby. While we were talking, another family arrived and set themselves up right at the top of the beach. It didn't take long for their roughly five-year-old child to wander down to the sea alone, or with no parent inside. A few moments later, the child hurt themselves and started crying. My friend and I looked up at the parents who had noticed but simply encouraged her child to walk back to them.

At that moment, an elderly couple walking past looked at us with obvious disapproval and sarcastically said, I suppose you just let them cry out then, do you? I replied, that's not our kid and she's not even my wife. the couple suddenly looked rather sheepish and hurried off presumably in search of the next strangers to judge thanks for all the laughs Pete, age 40. So are we judging whether the old couple? I think what's happened there is Pete wanted to make that all about him.

So are we judging the old couple? Yeah. Yeah, I think I'm only joking. So I think are we judging the old couple? I think that is solid Karen because. Yeah. because they're not helping. And they're not helping.

And that's not solidarity because you just have to accept that those parents are twats because they're aware of what's going and not doing anything about it. But yeah, but then do they need to go? But that's not how you approach the situation, is it? No. If you're trying to help. Yeah, maybe if they got to go on to Pete, oh, is that your child over there?

Because there's a child upset over there. Yeah, exactly. That's a better way to approach it, isn't it? So I think we put that in solid Karen. Yeah, I think we do as well. So the way to do that would be, say, Oh, excuse me, I don't know if you'd notice. That child's crying over there.

Is that your child? Yeah. And then Pete would go, no. And then they could go to the other family. Sorry, there's a child crying over there. Is that your child? Yeah, shout in the distance to the other family, yeah. And then that's sort of like subtle shaming.

Exactly. That's what you want to do is subtle shaming. Suttles shame by looking like you're helping. Excuse me, but I don't know if you've realized that your child's getting sunburn. Exactly. You lazy fucking pig. But don't say the second part. No.

There you go. yeah, if you've got a better name for that one, let us know. But at the moment, it's Solidarity or Solidared Karen. So Karen, let you get your thinking caps on if you're panicking about that name, okay? Yeah. Oh, we've got loads of playground and workplace Shaggers. We'll do a special on that. But to get you excited, my friend sent in a voice note of one.

Do you want to hear it? Yeah. Listen to this. Hello, Josh, Rob, and Michael, big fan of the podcast. Don't have any kids, just tuning in for the chat and lose voice notes, mostly. My playground and Shagra story. So for contact, I grew up in quite a question. rural Scotland, so let's be clear, you know, to give these adults a slight benefit of the doubt,

the dating pill was small, okay? There was probably not a lot of options for them, but basically there was one male teacher in my school called Mr. Simpson, and we used to all talk about how, like, he had been divorced a few times, kind of this, like, mysterious guy, sort of vibe. And he basically started going out with this boy in my class called James. He started going out with James' mum. That was a relief. That was too long a pause. That was a relief, wasn't it?

I've never started going out with his boy, James, his mom. That was three seconds. That was a three seconds. That was horrible. That was horrible. Guy, survive. And he basically started going out with this boy in my class called James. That's a little.

Thanks for your voice. Cheers. Let's play. It's James' mom. Let's play the rest. And they would walk James to school in the morning. And then when we were all queuing to get into school, my teacher and James' mom,

who was in Mr. Simpson's class with me, they would just snog. Absolutely just feel like to snogging. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'd say probably quite traumatic for James. And sometimes she would come back. at lunch and they would snog some more.

Oh my God. Yep, that's what happens in rural Scotland, I guess, in schools. Wow. Oh, hang on. What's it then? And word on the street is that they got married and they got divorced again. So he's a player, Mr. Simpson. That is, can you imagine lining up for school?

Oh, my God. My kids don't even let me have the music too loud when I drop them off. No, of course. If I say bye loudly, they're like, shut up, dad. imagine just gobbling off the teacher. I know. My son's just upgraded to a booster seat from a full car seat, right? Yes.

So I put it on the WhatsApp group, does anyone want this seat? Because we don't need it anymore. Someone takes it. I say, I'll bring it into school. My daughter's like, you just simply can't do that, I'm afraid. It's too embarrassing for you to turn up with that car seat at drop off. Yeah, it's mad, isn't it?

If you and Lou were doing drop off. Yeah, we kiss. And you tried to snogger at the school gates. How would that go down? She said, what the fuck are you doing? Get on. What are you doing? Do you know what I mean, though?

Rage wouldn't have any of it. If I was stood there, like people that are coupled. She's barely interested in private. Kissing is quite funny, though, would it? It's quite intimate kissing, isn't it? Yeah. It could be actually more intimate than other things, kissing. Yeah.

because I just find it's quite funny isn't it? Yeah. It's quite weird, isn't it? It's quite when you think about kissing, it's fucking weird. It's got so close to someone's face. Yeah. You can't be closer to someone's face than kissing. Do you like kissing?

I like kissing. It's weird though, isn't it? But I don't want to do it at the school gates? No. I'd only do it just to make Lou feel awkward and I'd find that funny. Yeah. But I wouldn't actually enjoy kissing. Do you think she'd push you away?

Because if Lou actually doubled down and it, kiss me on the school gates and such trying to snog me, I'd be like, get off. You know what I mean? Not now. Later. What about at the school concert or something? At the end,

if you just lend in and tried to snog, Lou. I'd kiss her on the cheek or something, but like not a snog. I don't. When that's the time you snogged with tongues rose? Probably about 6 a.m. This morning. Yeah.

She was asleep. Just before you feed Beryl. She was asleep. Morning. I might say that to Lou when she's back, just say, Lou, we're on the sofa watching a documentary. And I'd say, would you like to kiss with tongues? Would you like to French kiss me?

Shall we snog? Do you want to snog for a bit? Pause the documentary And then say Should we just have a bit of a snog? Do you want to have a snog for a bit? Like nothing more. I'm not doing that to lead to anything.

Just like proper just snog off. Like the old days. If you just snog separate to anything that further bases, let us know if you just will just snog on the sofa and that'll be it. And it doesn't go any further. If you're a couple or like, if you were like just... But we need information.

How long you've been together? If you're married, if you have kids. Or you're just snogging on the sofa and nothing else. Or just like you're walking down the street and then you just have a big old snog. Yeah. Come here. Come here. Oh, dear.

Snogging, eh? Whenever I see people in public snogging. Well, it's all like if they're young, and it's a night out or just started. No, I think they're new to this game. They're new to that mouth. Yeah. That mouth's new to them.

But that's such a shame, isn't it? Because it's so much fun. What snogging? Think about how exciting snogging was back in the day. Yeah, I know. You just snogged too much. That's the problem. Yeah, my lips have seen too much action.

Your lips. If you've got any more workplace or playground shuggers, please send them in. Oh, food confessions. Oh, yeah. This is where I confessed about my breadsts. sticks dipping in butter and dipping it in cheese. And then I, in the same episode, called people that have sugar and hot chocolate, something like fat slags or something.

Here we go. Here are food confessions. Hi, I have vanilla ice cream, the quality stuff with the little bits of vanilla in it. I think they're pods, aren't they? Yeah. Oh, my God. I have it on cold garlic bread. What?

I have vanilla ice cream, the quality stuff with the little bits of vanilla on it on cold garlic bread. Oh, my word. What is cold? Cold garlic bread. is that bread that's been cooked and then cooled down. Yeah, yeah, yeah, not the, I'm presuming that, imagine this. Frozen.

Imagine this, go on. I'm imagining, if you go to the supermarket, you get the two French stick style loaves that you put in the oven. Do you know what I mean? They've already sliced. And they've been in the oven. And I imagine they've been in the oven and they're now cold. Yes.

And she's got one slice and she's putting a piece of. Sean, it's a he. Vanilla ice cream on it. Sean, hey. It's a kind of sick shit amount. the do, yeah. I presumed it was she because I presumed she was pregnant. Trust me, it's one of those, you've got to try it before passing judgment.

No, I don't think it is. No. There's loads of stuff that you can just not try and pass judgment. Yeah. Wow, Sean. That is... Fair play, Sean. How did he discover it? Yeah, and also, you know, imagine that much, you know, lack of shame to tell a whole world. Exactly.

Didn't even go a non. But to be fair, we've not tried it. You know, Heston Blumenthal could put it on a menu and charge 20 quid for it. it. Okay, so notable people from Mottingham. There is WG Grace, Rob Beckett, that Dennis Healy Geeseer. Done. River Quaggy.

Then Michael can just snit that in. Yeah, yeah, lovely. Hi, Rob and Josh. Just listen to your latest episode where Rob talks about his breadstick cheese treat at the fridge, and it made me think of a recent time in our house. As a treat, we give our boys who are three and six hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallows. Classic.

That's fine. recently my three old saw me squatting cream directly into my mouth from the fridge. Classic. Because sometimes it's just what you need. Unfortunately, he now thinks this is a thing and regularly come to the kitchen asking for a snack. He will list off items he would like, but now includes just some mouth cream as one of his options as if it's an actual thing. A mouth cream. We've got some mouth cream.

We've got jelly. We've got yogurt. We've got mouth cream. I love the pod and thank you for making us feel normal about the crazy world of parenting. Veronica. Veronica! What a name, Veronica. The crazy world of parenting.

The next correspondence comes in a bit, bit sharp. Go on then. Hello, you slutty legends. There you go. It's Hess and Blumenthal, second version. He banged it out. That's from Tom in Congleton. That's near you, in it, Congleton?

No, it's in the north, isn't it? Sounds like you. No, it's north. Near Morecam or somewhere. like that, I think. Overweight consumer of the electric spinach here. What? What's that of the electric spinach?

An overweight consumer of the electric spinach? He said, hello you slutty. This is Tom from Congleton. This guy's lively. Hello, you slutty legends. Overweight consumer of the electric spinach here. What is going on? With a fat, fuck confession or two.

What, do you? One, eating a whole trifle like a big yogurt. Ha ha, ha. Oh, eating milky bar yoghuts using a white chocolate cookie as an edible spoon. Oh, my word. Don't you dare fucking judge me. I'm disgusting.

Oh my God. Stay slutty and relatable. Tom from Congleton. Alan Garner, the famous fantasy author, Elizabeth Wollstone Tome, Elmer, Anne Packer. It's people from Congleton. Yeah.

It's not a great run. and Robbie Brightwell, the husband of Anne Packer, the British Olympic athlete. That's not good enough. Listen to this one. What does he do, Robbie Brightwell? He's just listed as the husband of Anne Packer, British Olympic athlete. That's out of all. He must have done some.

He won silver in the 4 by 400 metres in 1984. Oh, he? No, he was an athlete as well. Oh, was he? Yeah, Robbie Brightwell was a British track athlete as well, yeah. It was born in the British Raj, now part of Pakistan, but mootty Nike. A lot of that, wasn't there in that year? that era?

There we go. Congleton, died in Congleton, born in the British Raj, which is, Roowal Pindi. Do you know what? We really took the piss

for the empire, didn't we? We really did, Rob. Imagine that. Turning up, what should we call is the British Raj.

Okay, we should have a little bit of a fucking meeting before we just agree to that. Maybe it speaks to a couple of the people from here, maybe from a few ideas.

Nah, no, no. British Raj will do. Fucking hell. British Raj. Anyway, do you want some more correspondence? Yep. Do you want more food ones or different ones?

Let's go different. Let's move it around. Seeing other people on holiday. Oh, yeah. So, hi, Rob and Josh. Off the back of a recent episode where you were talking about bumping into people you don't want to see on holiday, I had to email it as I think this one might win. About 15 years ago, I was 18 and in my first year of uni.

Me and my boyfriend had planned our first big exploring holiday together and we're going, and we were going to Asia for Christmas. So that 18, 15 years ago. In the airport, I clocked my university tutor, who me and my flatmate had already decided was a bit of a monster. I explained who it was to my boyfriend and he thought nothing of it.

I then saw her on the flight and panicked her in. We made awkward glances, but neither of us said anything. Oh, you've got to say something then. Yeah, you've got, oh, hi, you're right. When we got to the airport on the other side, we were meeting our tour guide, would be taking us up part of the Tian Shan. Oh no.

For the first part of our trip, staying in a small tent within a small community to see how the locals lived. When we got to him, he said he was waiting for two others who'd booked the same experience. Oh no. Oh no. Yes, it was my uni lecturer and her husband. Oh, no. Cuts were spending the next six hours in a car together, just as for me having to sit next to them and my boyfriend in the front. Oh, he's dodged a bullet there. He's dodged a bullet. I always try and get in the front in those situations. Then the next three nights in a tent on top of a mountain together,

we obviously had to break the ice, but it was only made more awkward by her thinking I was a different person. Oh, no. I posted about it on our course Facebook group, but got a stern telling off when I got back to uni for posting about her private life. What? And was then known as a girl who went on holiday with her tutor

for the whole of the first year. You can't get in trouble with that. That's not a private life. You're living it with her. True, but then, you know, people have got a right for their private life not to be shared, you know, in public. Cut to me, reading out my WhatsApp groups. The trip was a beautiful experience and the thing I remember the most was my teacher. It still honks me to this day.

Thanks for the laugh. Anonymous. How scared is she of this person? Surely 15 years on. Do you know what? I think the thing with that is the people that you don't want to be on. holiday with aren't the people you hate they're the people that you have to talk to yeah out of politeness yeah so the worst person to bump into on holiday at your resort would be without naming names

but say someone who worked on a tv program that you were on or someone who worked for our agency because they would be like oh for fuck sake have i told about the time on here my Michael stopped me if you've heard this one before, which is we should get their jingle from the Smith song. When I went to South Africa to do a comedy gig as part of a package show with Simon Evans and Marlon Davis. Right, of course. Basically, the offer was a fee,

accommodation and premium economy flights. Yeah. They'd lost an act last minute. So they'd be booking me to do the middle slot. Yeah. And I said, I was really busy. I've been doing a lot of Robin Romish flying about. I went, I'll do it.

But for that fee, I want to go. go business class because I'm working before it, working on when I get back, I need rest. And that was my negotiation. And because it was last minute, they went, yeah, that's fine. Right. So not a problem flying out, but I knew everyone else was on premium economy. Yeah, you have told me this. You have, but I love it.

Tell me again. Have I told you on the podcast as well? Yeah. Okay. I don't remember this, but go on. I think I've just told you. Anyway, so anyway, on the way out there, I go straight to the lounge and just hide out because they're in premium, not allowed in the lounge.

And also, I'm the middle of that. so normally the headliner might get business, but not the middle act. I arrive and then don't see him on the plane. Get off, go through immigration, bump into immigration. They go, oh, we didn't see you on the flight, Rob. Oh, no, yeah, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, we're here. Anyway, we go and do the gigs. We're there for three days, right? Then forget about it. On the way back to the airport, I'm being dropped off at the airport with them. Oh, God. You were suddenly realized.

I realized it, like, they're like, oh, should we go, get some food and drink. So I go, oh, I'm just going to go and get some presents for the kids. If I don't see in the airport, I see it at the gate. So sorry, you did that before going through security. Basically, I don't do fast-pass security. Yeah, of course. And you just, and when you're checking in, you kind of check in slightly so they can't say.

Yeah, I just queued it up with them in the normal queue. And then went through security at the fast path. So at the moment, I'm technically still traveling premium economy because I'm not making any use of the extras. Yeah, bye. But the main thing you want it for is obviously the full, fully flat bed. Of course, of course. So I go, right, I'm going to go and get stuff for the kids.

But what I actually do is I go to the lounge. And weirdly, Tim Sherwood was there. Oh, yeah. He was doing commentary on a football match in South Africa for the Premier League. Anyway, so Sherwood's there. Gilles lay on. He was going, this is a fucking nightmare. David Batty's an economy.

He thinks we're traveling together. So I basically leave it and I go, do you know what I do is, I'm just going to get on the plane last. Because if you're in business, you'll get put on it first, but you'll get put on it first in front of all the other people waiting to go on. So I go, do you know what? I'll just spend longer in the lounge and I'll just go in last minute. And also Tim Sherwood's really relaxed.

I'll go when Sherwood goes. Are you talking to Sherwood? If I walk behind Sherwood, people will go ask Tim Sherwood. And then I'm I did. Because I don't know if you've ever been at Oz of that. I went to the football with Dar O'Brien, the Arsenal Chambers League final walking around the stadium. Normally me and Romish get lots of abuse.

But when you're with him, he's so massive. Yeah. He's getting pelted. It's not walking alongside a lighthouse. Yeah, yeah, of course. He's getting pelted. So anyway, I get on the... I've actually nailed this,

because there's no one at the gate, everyone's on, right? And I get it on, and obviously the business is at the front of the plane, so I don't have to down the rest of the plane. So I get to my seat, I'm at the back of business, and I go, brilliant. I've not seen me. I'm putting all my stuff in the seat like that, and then I turn around,

and the front row of premium economy, is Simon Evans, Marlon Davis, and someone else from the promotion, all sat there staring at me, and they go, Rob? Like, I literally could touch them. And as they go Rob, the steward just goes with the curtains.

And from then on, I treated that curtain like it was the Berlin Wall. You can't get over it. You can't get through it. It's just, I just shut down. But the timing, I'll put the head up. I'm going, Rob, and I don't want to go. Oh, my God. But to be fair, no, no, that one got cheated.

Did you see them when you landed? No, you get off quicker in business. Drake down. Is that the last time you've seen Simon Evans? Potentially, yeah. But that was the one with was at the casino. We went to Cape Town and Johannesburg, but I was saying, like,

people were saying South Africa's dangerous. And then was it at this casino complex where you sort of go through a gate and then there's a car park, hotel, swimming pool, casino. And I said, is it dangerous around here? And the guy from South Africa, no, it's not dangerous. You're fine.

You'll be good as gold here. I'm all right. It's only certain places that are dangerous. I went, oh, what, what places? He went outside. What? He went outside. As long as you don't leave the casino complex, you're all right.

I'm not gay. I won't. I mean, by the pool, it was there for five days, but every two days, there was a big group of, like, 30 women aged between, like, 18 and 50, with a couple of, like, gay guys,

like, and there was, like, 30 of them. I was like, what a mental hendoo? You know, just all, and, like, 30 of you come into a casino in, and then they went, and then another lot, come and went, what the fuck is? And then I worked out.

It's where BA put the cabin crew. Great. Great fun. Great times. One quick one before we do a small business, Michael. Or have you done some more Wikipedia stuff? Yeah, one more email than small business. Here we go.

World's oldest helium balloon. So, Josh, remember we had that helium balloon? Yes. Someone said in, I think it was a Sesame Street balloon. And they had it since she was born. someone's coming with an older balloon. I can't remember how old that balloon was. Was that 25 years or something, Michael?

Something like that, 20, 30 years? I think that first one might have been older than this one. Oh, okay. It's still worth listening to, though. It's still worth listening to, here we go. Hi, Rob, Joshua, Michael. After listening to today's episode, I feel compelled to send this. The balloon in the photo that they sent in was brought into hospital by my uncle

when I was born in August 1990, almost 36 years ago and was used to announce the birth of my own son 34 years later. Oh, yes. Is this the first multi-generational balloon? This is a family heirloom. It's going to be passed down. Not sure if it will survive to be passed to any grandchildren, but we can only hope, thanks for the laughs.

All the best, Ben, again, if you've got any of the world's oldest helium balloons, let us know. Let us know. What kind of metal plastic bastard were they using to trap helium in back in the day? Oh, exactly. Oh, God, my alarm's gone.

Oh, dear. Is that the end of the pod a lot? I think it might be. Should we do small business shout out? Yeah, let's do small business show up. Here we go. Hello, my name's Louisa, and I've been listening from the beginning. Makes me feel so good about my parenting.

With both my babies been born in lockdown, 17 months apart, it was not for the faint-hearted. I'd like to shout out my best friends, Rose and a small business, plum and pigeon. She makes beautiful dresses by hand from her studio in Manchester, from sewing the dresses to the social media and website. She does it all. She ships all over the world and can make the dress,

to measure, which is great for those nice occasions postpartum when nothing off the rail fits. It would mean the world to her and me if you could give her this mention on the podcast. I'm so very proud of her and all her designs. She's on Instagram at Plum and Pigeon and a website is plum and pigeon.com. Thank you, Louisa. I'll give him a shout out to you, mate. Good luck, plum and pigeon. There we go.

Hello, Rob, Josh and Michael. I'm a long-time listener and mum to my son Waldo, who is two. I thought I'd ask a small business shout-up for my business, Garland Ceremonies. After listening to your episode with Jamie Lang talking about whether or not to Christmas baby. I offer non-religious baby naming ceremonies in London, the southeast and beyond. These are really fun, meaningful and personal occasions where your little one will be the heart of it all.

Your baby doesn't have to be a newborn and you're always welcome to involve older siblings too. For more information, please check out my website, garland ceremonies.com or find me on Instagram at Garland Ceremonies. Thanks, Mayor Garland from Penge. Penge, South London. South London. What a great idea. That, Rob, is the end of that.

I'm seeing you next time, Josh. I'm going to go to bed and listen to the cricket. Enjoy. Yeah. Did you know that WG Grace was from Mottingham? I did, yeah. Thanks.