Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S12 EP50: My daughter broke her arm

Episode Date: June 26, 2026

In this episode we're in the midst of the summer heatwave... Josh's daughter has broken her arm! And elsewhere Rob and Josh record a pilot for a new TV show and Beryl the cat goes missing. It's been one hell of a week.... ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Parenting Hell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ is a Spotify Podcast, new video episodes available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please subscribe and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xxx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] Follow us on instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@parentinghell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Oh, I know, I won't play. You were texting. What you said? Rob Beckett. What about it? And can you say Josh? Josh. Widdickon.

God, really good. Well done. Right, that would actually solid that. Unless you tell me there, nine. Who's turning two on Sunday? Respect, actually. Good. Been listening to the podcast on the start.

This is our girl Effie. Effie. F, F, F, I. Is that short for something? Well, Effie's beer, Turkish beer. That's what I think of when I think of Effie. Do you've never heard of that? Effie's beer, you don't drink, but in a Turkish restaurant,

if you order draft effies, sometimes a bottle of beer comes with draft written on it. Oh, no. And I've never really understood that. Are you one of those people that cares whether it's out the tap or out the bottle? Yes, I am. Which is the one you want? Draft is, oh, God, so dismissive.

so, I feel like a little pauper just at the bottom of a hill while you stand there. No, because I could never decide. Do you know why I'd go for the draft rather than the bottle? Yeah. Because there was more. It was a better value. Right. Yeah, that really does explain your drink issues.

Yeah, you'd get more for your money, so you'd be more drunk. Yeah, maybe. I've never looked at you like that. I don't, personally, I think we discussed before, a full pint is slightly too much sometimes. I prefer it from the tap. I don't really like bottled. Push me in a corner. I'm going can over a bottle.

I thought people that drunk bottled beer were insane. Anyone that went into a pub and ordered a bottle of beer, it blew my mind. Not for me, not for me. Anyway, sorry, Josh. Carry on. Sorry, Effie. We are hopefully going to narrowly miss having two under two. If I can avoid going into labour with our son on her birthday.

Stay sexy and relatable. Rosie James and Effie from Teddington, southwest London. Oh, imagine being pregnant in this heat, Rob. Oh, but imagine being pregnant ever, right guys? Us dudes just don't get it. Well, we don't, to be honest, it looks absolutely shite. Awful. Awful.

I do think, but some people, like, actually love being pregnant. And it's, but are they just convincing themselves, or are they willing to it? I know that were I a woman, I wouldn't be one of those people that was embracing pregnancy because I like comfort over feeling like, you know, my body's doing something miraculous. I'd rather just feel the right temperature and not have back pain. And if he was pregnant, you'd put aside the miracle of birth and making a baby because you like being comfy. I can't get beyond you being a woman.

I think you'd look like a lovely, dependable, strong woman. I don't think I'd look much different. I'd think I'd look like a monster. I don't think it's fair to say It's lucky that your parents had boys Me as a woman I think would be really intense Can I be honest this morning Oh, I'm straight in with one of his

One of his sayings I don't think I'm just looking at what I've written down I've got so much stuff that's happened to us But I'm going to start by saying I don't know when I decided this was a good idea but 8am is the most insane record time I've ever picked. I think you was pushing it as well.

What a fucking error. Set the scene. Our school run is wake up at 7. Yeah. Out the door at 8. Why are you doing this now then? 8.30 would be better, wouldn't it? Exactly.

In terms of no buffer life, it's absolutely insane to be doing a podcast exactly the moment that you just are like hustling the kids out of the building. You just walk downstairs. Let Rose get out of the kids. You get off about quarters of eight. Walk in the kitchen goes, where me cup of tea, babe,

slap her on the ass and sitting here. You've got 10.15 to have a drink and get ready to perform. You've got to, you know, the England team out of the World Cup, they're not doing the school run. They're just focusing. I know, but I get,

I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm getting results. Yeah, you are true. Yeah, well, this is middle of the heat wave. It's 35 today in the south of England. and England drew Neil Newell-Newer-Garner in a very boring game. Very boring. I'm going to... Have you got World Cup fever?

Yeah, I love the World Cup. I'm not as in... I think it's because it's on at night. I'm not, I've not got World Cup fever in the way I used to. I'll be honest. I'm just so tired when the game's wrong. When I stopped drinking, my World Cup fever changed. Yeah, 10 pints really does help with fever.

Yeah, it used to be, I wondered whether actually what I loved, liked was the excuse to get completely fucking smashed with my friends. And now I'd quite happily watch the England game on my own. Do you know what I mean? Well, I am. At the moment, last night I watched England draw nil-nil with Ghana eating a protein yogurt whilst Lou went to bed early. Exactly.

And I just thought, this isn't fever. This isn't well-got fever. This isn't what-cut fever. But I can't invite anyone round. Like the game, the next game is 10pm. Imagine someone arriving at your house at 10pm to watch football. Fuck that. Oh, it'll be fun and then as they arrive,

you hear the car pull up, you're like, oh, for fun. What the fuck are they doing with their lives? I've got eight people come around to watch England, Panama. Yeah. No, I just, but I'm enjoying it. You're going to watch a 1am game. If we get through, there's a 1.30am game. I'm, honestly, I won't be able to watch it.

I know, because what am I going to do? Set my alarm or stay up. But then if you're going to bed at 10, this is pathetic, by the way. Who are we? I remember when the World Cup was in Japan and it was the end of my first year at university and England played Argentina at 7 a.m. And I started drinking at 7 a.m.

And then I went through. I think that's fine. Well, no, that's not fine, is it? But now, if England were playing at 7 a.m., I'd be listening to it on the radio while making pancakes. Oh, I'd love it. I'd love it if it was 7 a.m.

That'd be a great time. And I'd be searching the house for a pair of shoes while England scored. Do you know what I mean? I wouldn't be. No, if England played at 7am, I'd just say to the kids, you're not going to school or you're going in late. Oh, these poor fuckers whose school has been, Rob, it's been a smug old week for those of us that have moved out of London in the last year. Fuck here now. Some schools cancelled then.

Mine, they're going in at mine. They've cancelled. This annoyed me. I missed the last two sports days, yeah? Last two years. This year, I've had it in my diary for 10. months. Actually, contact the score.

I've missed the last two. Can you just give me at least a 90% idea what it was? Give me a note. I'll add it in. I've had filming Robin Ramesh built around this day off so I could do Sports Day. Yeah. Get to it.

Cancel two. Fuck you. Fuck you, universe. Fuck you. So when is Sports Day? Monday can't do it, filming Robin Ramesh. Amazing. Absolutely classic.

It's Roman Day today. My daughter's dressed as a fucking Roman. Good weather for it. I know exactly. But yeah, her old school in London's closed, which obviously I find hilarious. Yeah, because you're very, I'd say you're like the Soul Campbell of transfer moves from the city to the country.

Yeah, yeah, I love it. Where Sol Campbell famously left Tottenham to join Arsenal, their fierce rivals on a free. And where some people, if they leave a club or go somewhere, they're quite respectful with it. If they score or goal, they don't celebrate. I'd celebrate. Yeah, yeah.

You're added by all. Yeah, I'm running down the end. You're running down the M4 and then doing a knee slide in East London. Fuck you. I bet you're not even able to sleep under a fucking sheet because it's so hot. I bet you're having to sleep naked on the mattress. I know what Hackney is like at the moment. It is furious.

Everyone is furious. London is hot as well because of the tubes or the buildings. The tubes or the buildings. London is the worst place than the sun. It's like... Here we go. He's off. I love it.

Honestly, it's in my house here. Yeah. It's a bit hot. I love the way you're pretending your house is like the Arctic. Yeah. But I'll be honest with you. Yeah. It's nothing compared to when we lived in Hackney.

Oh my God. went we're not having to close the curtains during the day. I think, well, you're not doing that now then? Is it not that hot where you are? Not too bad. No, it is hot outside, but our house doesn't heat up in the same way. Oh, yeah, you've got a bigger wider windows. We're using a terraced house, so you're getting heat from all sides.

Oh, you're getting heat from all sides, Rob. And then the school closed at 1.30 yesterday, so you're having to drive through the hackney traffic to get to school. It's to pick up a child that's coming home early. and then I'll be honest our friends who've still got kids at the school were like, yeah, they've said they'll let us know what the score is with tomorrow or the next day

you're like, it's fucking close, mate. Don't let them have hope. No. Anyway, loving life down there. Well, I'm not, Rob. No. I've had such a fucking dramatic few days. Go on.

Fuck me. So on Thursday, my daughter broke her arm. No. here we go. This is what people are listening for. Right. Is she okay? To be honest, you did tell me when I saw you last week, but then I forgot.

So my response there was half genuine, half, oh yeah, I remember he told me last week. But I didn't get full details because we said we're going to do it on here. First thing to us, is she okay? Is she okay? Yeah, she's fine. Okay. She's got a cast on. We're going to the hospital on Friday to, you know, have the checkup to see when it comes off, stroke,

whether you can get a shorter cast, all this comes. kind of stuff. Is it over the elbow at this point? Yeah. Oh, not over the... That's the funniest one in it, over the elbow. I mean, it looks rubbish. She's taking it very well.

It's her right hand, but she actually turns out she's quite good with her left hand now. She can right with her left hand, it turns out. Well, do you know, that's what happened with Shane Warren? Is it? Shane Worn broke, I think it broke both his ankles. I had injured his legs. So for about six months, when he was about three or four, he had this little, like, trolley thing that...

his mum and dad put one, and he'd use his hands to pull himself around. Ah. And he'd play outside of it. So that's why he's got, he had such strong wrists and hands and big hands because he's been, you know. So maybe you might have a, you know, she might be an unbelievable. A left hand had spin bowler. Yeah.

Yeah, they're good. You need them. Yeah, of course. Especially, you know, you know, in India on those dusty tracks. Those are the, they're the bowlers that you need. I was watching my daughter played cricket and she bowled someone out. Yeah. And I saw it because I was behind the stump.

on yet like that. I was the only one there. And then the people taking the scores, the umpire, was like, oh, because they couldn't quite see. So they said to the other girl, did it bounce off your leg or did it bounce off the stumps? She went, leg. Oh, is that? No, but what do you mean?

No, but that's still LBW. Well, either way, I saw it come off the stump. And she said it come for leg. But you could argue, it's only LBW if it's definitely, so I think with LBW. Did they give it out LBW? No, well, I, it's quite, that's quite a big concept to give them at this. stage their croaking career. So I think they were like, I've hit your leg, then we'll just let that, but I was like,

it got the stunts. And she was buzzing and I was like, I don't want to start kicking off. Yeah, but I was like, inside I did, but I held myself back, but I was like, but also that kid. Now I hate that kid forever. Yeah, of course. She was from another school, so. Oh, yeah, fine.

But I do, I do know. Do they bowl over arm? Yeah. It's mental, isn't it? My daughter's playing cricket and bowling over arm. They're playing softball still, because our. ball's mental. I don't think they should do hardball like professionally.

It's just not worth it. It's a piece of fucking wood. It's not worth it. It's not worth the asshole. Sports people hurting each other. It's just mental. I try to listen to, I like this stick,

you know, the stick to football podcast with Gary Nevely and Wright and Roy King, the greatest three minds of our generation. I love them. Yeah. Right. They had Tom Brady on.

you know the American footballer. Jesus Christ. Have a laugh, mate. What a fucking serious ball. He was talking about how much he enjoys, you know, how there should be contact in sports because, you know,

then you can use it. I was just thinking, fucking out. Chill out. Do you know what? There was this bit and he was like, our manager, he made us feel uncomfortable every day.

So then we won on Sunday. I was like, Well, I'd rather not win. I'd rather not win the Super Bowl than be hit into by lots of people and have a manager who's basically bullying us. Yeah, and be unhappy seven days a week. Unhappy seven days a week, because then I get to win. Yeah, but is he happy now?

Well, I don't know. I know because he's obviously just madly competitive, but sees that as a good thing. But you're just like, anyway, I don't know what I was saying that. Oh, yeah, yeah, just sports where they just hurt each other. Well, I think, Cristiano Ronaldo, and I saw him on, you know, he didn't score in the first game. This is very World Cup heavy, but he didn't score in the first game, but then Messi did, his great rival, who he refuses to talk about in interviews when anyone brings it up.

And also, Embappe's been scoring Harland, Kane, so these are the big players at the World Cup. In his second game, Renando scored two. As he's walking off the pitch, this is a 41-year-old billionaire that has played at the highest level, is arguing maybe the greatest footballer of all time. He's 41. He's not, but yeah. Yeah, he scored two goals at the World Cup. As the camera comes to him, he screams in it,

I'm back, I'm back! And I thought, man, he's pathetic. You sad. Also, you were playing as Bekestan. You're not back. What's wrong with you? You're 41. You've got kids.

And let's be honest, the pictures you put up with them on Instagram are weird enough as it is. He hasn't got kids. He's got protégés. He's got prologues. Oh, my God. People are weird. Anyway, my daughter broke her arm doing a cartwheel.

So I was away working. So Rose calls me. She's broken her arm. She has to... Do you know what? She was hard as an else. She had to go to the hospital. Proper breaks.

No operation or anything. She had to go under. Oh. To have it reset. Oh. Oh. Yeah, proper bad. Just by doing a cartwheel at a row.

angle basically. Yeah, her friends were quite affected by it. They both cried after school, the ones that saw it. You know, like when not more sports references, but you know, like when footballers see a bad injury near them. David Boost, Eduardo, Ramsey, yeah. Gotcha. I actually saw a greenage once. We were sledging and there was a metal and wood sledge coming down and it went down with a bloke on and it went into like an eight-year-old's face. Oh my God. And it was just blood everywhere. It was awful. And I'm not saying it was worse to me than the eight-year-old. Every time I shut my eyes, I saw it for about a week.

So for a little kid, seeing their friend hurt their arm. This episode is brought to you by Tesco Clubcard. Josh, huge news for staycation fans. Well, I'm listening. Hit me. Tesco Clubcard members can make an additional saving on their next break with either cottages.com or host seasons. And that's on top of getting twice their club card voucher value. Amazing, amazing. I love a staycation. You know that about me, Rob. I just don't want to have a holiday

that's more tiring than my actual life. It is great when you're abroad and you've got the weather and the pool and stuff like that. But no airports, no train stations, no ferries, no car. You are all already there. Totally agree, Rob. Totally agree, totally agree. Also, no worries that you're going to get caffeinated tea because the language barrier has caused a problem, Rob. Customers who want to take advantage of this amazing offer must exchange their ClubCard vouchers and book with cottages.com or host seasons before the 28th of June for stays in 2026 or 27. Exchange your vouchers in the app and book your staycation. T's and C's apply. For more information, see Tesco.com forward slash latest from Clubcard.

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Then Beryl gets ill, right? Yeah. Is it time? What? No. Sorry. Sorry. Just sorry.

It's Saturday, yeah. She's a lot more ill than not ill, though, won't she, Beryl? Friday, yeah. Let's be honest. She's pissing on your clothes. She's always got her have her kidneys flush or whatever it is. Well, the kidney's flushed isn't that she's ill,

it's keeping her not ill. Well, exactly, but then, you know, how much do you do that for? You know what I'm saying? Well, just the rest of her life. Yeah, absolutely. We've got pet insurance, Rob, it's free. Fair enough. I'll be honest.

I'll be honest. I won't name them, but we are in absolute profit with Beryl. Are you the kind of person that when, if, when or if, Beryl passes? Yeah. Fingers cross, no. She won't ever die. Would you phone in sick from work or not do a record?

No, no. You won't be that kind of person. No, I'm not that guy. So Friday, me and you do a pilot in the blazing heat for 11 hours. That was fun, though. I enjoyed that. It was really fun. But then I've got to get back from Canterbury to Lund, Canterbury to Exeter. My car.

Do you explain what? We'll probably not have to explain what it is. Well, it's been in the papers. So basically, the pilot is, me and Josha arrive. I arrived in Canterbury about 8 a.m. I think you were there the night before. Yeah, I'd stay overnight. And then we basically in the morning, us and some other famous people

get these giant balls, like inflatable balls, and we have to get them from one part of Canterbury to another, the idea of the show, you move around the country, going to different places. And you have to move it around and there's loads of little games. Like a Saturday night, fun, family TV show. Very slapstick, very silly. And it was exhausting.

We did 16,000 steps. pushing this ball around and running around and it was 30 degrees. And by the end of it, I had sweat marks where it was all white around my tints and back where the salt would come out of my body. It was mental. And I couldn't walk for two days after. But it was fun to do, but it was exhausting. Anyway, my car doesn't make it through because of a fire on the M25. So we finished at 7 o'clock, did we?

Six o'clock? Yeah. I got back at 11.30. Rob, I did something bad on the train. What did you do on the train? I was so fucked. I was so tired. And there was no one near me in my carriage.

Yeah. And I was on single seat with a single seat opposite. Table? Table. But just singles. No one near me in the coach, yeah. Facing forward? I always face backwards.

That can not sum me and you up. Yeah, I know that that could, it's so funny. We are absolute chalk and cheese. I can only go forward. We've discussed this. I know. That's not just on a train that's in life. carriage you've chose single seat backwards.

Yeah. Arguably the worst seat. On an empty carriage you might go forward to two seats. It's not a single seat with a seat in front of you. It's a single seat with a facing seat. Yeah, but I'm saying it's on a completely empty carriage. You might roll the dice and take a four-seater. Then someone might sit on the four with me if it feels that.

No, but that would be insane. If you're in there on your own, you can go four-seater table. And then if someone else comes in, they can go single-seat. If they come on the four-seat, if they come on the four-seat, if they do come on the four-seat, nothing wrong with you going, this is mental, I'm going single, what's wrong with you? And then shifted. So I did something bad. Yeah. I went shoes off, feet up on the opposite seat. Sox on or off? Sox on. I think socks off unacceptable. Sox on, due to the level of tiredness, I'm going to let you off this time. Good, good, good, good. And you took your shoes off, that's fine.

Yeah. But your socks must have stunk. Oh my God. I don't know what you look like, because we didn't see each other much due to the former. I genuinely couldn't have gone into public looking how I looked. I'd been rescued from the street. Yeah, it was... But I'd gone missing for two days of the stag thing. It was disgusting.

I was so tired. I was so tired. Then the next day, get straight up. Beryl's gone missing. Then we'd go around a friend's house. And then... Do you know what I did, Rob? I've watched some of the rugby

Oh no Oh You're going to be a chiefs fan soon It was the Chiefs Go Chiefs No I'm not a Chiefs You got loads of rugby posh rugby mates No I haven't really

Who are your friends Who's your friends This is the weird thing about where I live It's the one negative People talk about rugby Like it's a spool Like it's an equivalent of football It's meant

I'd have to just go Shut up everyone I've never heard this before but you'll go, oh, you enjoying the World Cup? Oh, I'm more of a rugby person. So what? Conversation end. It's like saying, do you like the Beatles?

No, I'm more into S Club 7. Yeah, I'm like DJ Otsy. Yeah. What is fucking going on? How do you know these people? Are they new friends? These are just everyone. Loads of people are into rugby.

It's mad. So are these people? Because the chiefs are huge, Rob. No, they're not. Well, not in the wider world, but they're like one of the best teams. So I'm cursed with living in a city. Yeah. They're essentially like...

Your son or daughter might play rugby. No, they're not going to. I don't think it's going to suit your daughter. She's struggling with a cartwheel. They don't need a Joe Marla type running at her. So the Exeter Chiefs, they're on their Instagram now. They're the big clubbing. So was it a big game, though?

Was it a final of something? Yeah, it was the final of the rugby. Right. The premiership final. And these new school friends? Yeah, because it was like, well, we're just going around for the kids. Now, this is when the old East London crew perk up. Sure, it's cooler.

But would you want to sit in a call room talking to someone about rugby watching rugby? Or we sweating your tits off watching football in a pub in Hackney? I know what I'd pick. We did go out, we then did watch the football, Holland versus Sweden. How do you, how does one watch rugby? Well, I ask a lot of questions. Yeah. I think I've, do you know what?

I don't mind rugby league. I've always been pot off by rugby. One, because I prefer football. Yeah, two, because it's posh. Two, I can't work out what's going on because it's sort of a bit of a lot of it. It's a big bundle. And three is the, I've got the working class chip on my shoulder. It's for posh people.

Yeah, I've got that chip on my shoulder. Especially wrong for you. I'm not really working. I'm not working class. No, but you are a lot less posh and middle or upper class. And people think you're just, you've just got no accent like me. and you are quite intelligent. So people just assume you're from a rich, posh family.

But actually, you're from a, you know, rough little scuzzy farm lot, aren't you really? Deep down. No, I'm not from a rough little scuzzy farm lot. But I went to a solid comprehensive school, although we did play rugby, and I found that awful. You're just like one of the dingles deep down. You know, you give it large, large one, but you're, you know, you're sat there. Little Zach Dingle, whatever's name is, Kane Dingle. Kane Dingle.

Josh Dingle. But I hated rugby, and I still don't like it. Yeah, no, rugby's hard going. Yeah, so then it's so hot by this point. Beryl's gone. We get back, we find her, but she's not very well. We're going to have to take it to the vet. Are we going to take her to the vets?

Let's give it another day. Next day, fluffball comes in. Right. She's panting like a dog. Is she a dog? She's not a dog. How's Dean during all this? Dean's fine.

Dean's fine. We Google fluff. We Google, Pat. panting like a dog. Cat panting like a dog. Take her straight to a A&E. That's really bad. That's really bad.

Give her a biscuit taken for a walk. Sorry, I'm sorry. Is she right? Please don't tell me fluffball's dead, not now and after what all I've said. No, she's not. I have to take her in. They're like, she's got a heart murmur. Oh, what?

Is that genetic, or is it just for the day? I don't know. Oh, you don't need another. Why do you all have ill cats? They put her in an oxygen chamber. Fucking out. What is that? What?

How does oxygen help your heart? That's for your lungs, isn't it? Because she's panting. They put her in oxygen ten. Right, to calm her breathing down because her art's shit. Yep. They say come back later. We're going to do some tests.

Then later on, they're like, these heart murmurs gone. We've done a scan of the heart. We can't find anything wrong with it. But we've got a heart specialisted on Tuesday. bring her back in. Oh, brilliant. Yeah, 500 quid, even though the heart member's gone.

Don't worry, mate. Pet insurance. If anyone's got any shares in a pet insurance companies or the industry, take them out now because the Whitakams, absolute sick notes. Everyone's, everyone's ill. Oh, get this. By the way, it's Father's Day at this point.

Oh, God. And you're in the Vets? I'm at the Vets. I haven't had, you know, it's not a classic Father's Day. Oh, so I get to the Vets, right? I don't want to be graphic about this, Rob. Go on. But when Fluffball got ill, I was about to have a shit.

I'm desperate. You're desperate. You're absolutely desperate. So basically, you're about to have a shit. The cat's panting. And then you rush and you need a shit. You can't have a shit at the vets. I'm like, have you got a toilet?

Because I'm waiting. They're like, yeah, it's outside. Also, vets are small. Everyone's in there looking at Josh Woodacum. And they know. Sunday, because it's an emergency. There's no one else there. Oh, that's.

That's okay. Oh, that's worse because they'll know it's you. It's round the back. It's around the back. All the staff will know you dropped a dirty. No. There's no one else to blame it on. They've got their own staff toilets.

They'll know. If Josh Whitakam came to my vets and he went, I'm going to the toilet and he was gone ages, I'd go in there, come back out and tell everyone he's out of shit. But it's totally natural. It's totally natural, but it's quite funny. If you worked in a vet and a famous person off the TV, If, look, you're the hostess strictly now.

Imagine you run a vet. It's back in the day. Bruce Falsaf's coming on his own. Goes to the toilet for 10 minutes. Comes back, absolutely reek. You're telling everyone, Bruce is doing. I don't reek. Every, come on, mate.

The good news, Rob, is the toilet is outside. So the toilet. So dingle. You are so dingle now. Round the back of the vet, right? Right. Outside toilet. You know those, those kind of buildings you get backstage at festivals, those kind of toilets.

Right, okay. Yeah. So like a little, that cabin. Yeah. She says it might be locked. I go around the back. An outside sort of festival toilet. I know.

I don't know why. Okay. I go around the back. It's locked. It's behind a padlocked gate. I have to come back through. She's like, okay,

I'll come out and undo the padlock for you. All right. I'm like, this is degrading. It is, especially when you're desperate. Yeah. And it's fair of,

fluffball still panting in a cat carrier. So she's in an Oxen Chamber. I'm waiting to be told her they can go home. The staff left to get in that. oxygen chamber once you're finished. We've worked it out. No heart murmur, but you've got to stop having a shit near the cats. They can't cope.

There's no window on the toilet, Rob. Yeah. I go in. Oh, by the way, my phone's about to die as well, so I've left it charging behind the desk in the vets. I go in. There's no light switch. It's totally dark. I look outside.

I look inside. There's absolutely no light switch. I move around. It's not, I'm like, well, I can't go back in for a third time and say there's no light in the toilet. Yeah. And I haven't got my phone to create a light. Oh, so it's pitch black. Pitch black shit.

Right. Pitch black. Okay. Like total darkness. Yeah, because it's one of them cabin things. There's no windows. There's no windows. It's just total darkness.

It's his father's day. But what I would say is you can work out where it all is if you're in there. Yeah, yeah. You can't. The only way to double-check you've fully cleaned is sniff, but I'd say, roll the dice, finish it off when you get home. Then I finish it off, flush, stand up and the light comes on. Unbelievable moment.

For some reason, finally I've activated the movement-sensored light. Okay. So then I go back in. Fluff ball's got to stay in. So then they phone us later. Fluff ball's fine. They said, I can't explain what's happened. is her heart murmur's gone.

It just would never happen normally like this. Okay. I want a bit more info. Well, that's why we're returning to the heart specialist Tuesday. Got you. Makes sense. So take her into the heart specialist yesterday. Everything's totally fine. No one can explain what the panting was.

But they think it's probably the hot weather. Right. So who introduced the heart murmur thing? No, there was a heart murmur. So panting can create a heart murmur. heart one. Right. I think she basically had a panic attack because of the heat.

Oh my God. Even you... What's that? Is it, are they getting it off you? You can't have a cat having a panic attack. I've never seen a cat panic. Oh, by the way, we've also got cluster flies. So get this.

You are so dingle. We haven't got... What are cluster flies? We've basically got one room downstairs. Yeah. What do you mean? Because of the building... Oh, do you work?

Yeah. Right. Okay. Yeah. We've just got one. Clustifies horrendous. Yeah, one sitting room. Yeah. That's all we've got downstairs and that gets cluster flies.

Oh, no. How did you get rid of cluster flies? Well, it turns out you open the window and they go. Oh. So how many are we talking? 50. 50 flies? No, maybe 30.

So what? Oh, I think I've had a cluster fly in my house, but only one. No, that's a fly. Okay. So they're only called cluster flies that load together? Because that's the cluster bit, yeah. Yeah, that does make sense, actually. They lay their eggs in the window.

Oh, and then they all go, and then you open the window and they go out? They lay their eggs in the window in winter or whatever, and then when it's hot, they all hatch at the same time, and suddenly you've got some flies everywhere. So you just open the window and they'll go? Yeah, we didn't know that for a day. We couldn't open the window. What did you mean you didn't know that?

Well, we did know that, but we didn't... We couldn't... We couldn't open our windows. We couldn't open your window. We didn't know how to open the window because it was locked. You know, when the window's locked, we've never opened the window, have we? I'm still sleeping on the floor, by the way. Like, this is not Father's Day.

I mean, I had a terrible seat. Do you get the storm where you were? No. We got this horrendous stuff. Like, I got woken up by the rain and then the thunder and lightning. So my daughter came into my room, the oldest one like, Dad, Dad, I'm scared, I'm scared. I want me to lie with you for a bit. She went, yeah, all right.

So she doesn't like anyone sleeping with her, or she's very good at going to bed on her own. So I'm desperate to go to sleep. So I'm just going to sleep. And she's just talking to me because she's scared and doesn't want to go to sleep. So I'm not fine. So I just chat to her.

Then the storm stops after about an hour. She goes, can you go out now? What? Can you get out now? I want to go to sleep. She doesn't want to end up. I'm like, oh, all right. So I get up.

Go to get in my bed. The younger one's got in my bed. So then I end up getting in the, the younger one's dead, right? Then at six in the morning, I get woken up because my daughter goes, but the youngest goes, can you get out now?

I need to get out of, and he gets me out and then I'll go and get back in my bed for ten minutes before I get up for the day. I'm like, this is not living? It's not living. So why are you still on the floor? We're having the other bedrooms done.

Right. Yeah? And so we've only got one bedroom on one sitting room. Got you. That's phase two. Phase one will end. Phase one ends at the end of July,

and then we've got 75% of the house and the last 20... We're currently living in the 25% of the house that is phase two. Right, okay, that is phase. And all this works in me done before Strictly starts? Probably not. No.

Okay. Do you know what, though? At least you're realistic now. Yeah. So when will you get in a bed? When will you get to go to phase? When phase one ends? End of July.

Perfect. So just another, another, five weeks. Yeah. Yeah. Do you feel alright enough energy or do you like, have you got a mattress now yet? No. Why haven't you got a mattress? Just, this is because I'm busy. I'm so busy. Can't you take a batch just out of the other room? Yeah, probably. I just never get around to it. Right. Okay. So what are you sleeping on a futon? Yeah. This isn't okay, Josh. No wonder you're tired. I'm not tired. No? I'm actually, I'm fine energy wise. Yeah.

I think your life could be better. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I agree. I agree, Rob. I totally agree. Yeah. Why don't you do that?

And set a bit of time to just take a mattress out of your daughter or son's, because what's she sleeping on? The foot's on with you? No, she's got a mattress. So she's got a mattress? Yeah. You haven't got a mattress? No.

Go ahead a mattress. I know. I just. Or just order a cheap one for the next five weeks. Yeah, maybe we will. Maybe we will. going, are you? No, this is the other thing.

What's the futon? Have you got a fuck? You've got holiday booked and she's got a broken arm and the holiday's all about the pool. Oh, no. Bless her. It's just, and you're just like, that's just going to be. It's going to be so hot and sweaty. So hot and sweaty.

You know, do you know what she's got into? Minecraft. Ah. Yeah, my daughter's like that. Yeah. It's good, isn't it? It's better than Roblox. I don't like Roblox.

Because it's like educational. They're like building stuff. and stuff. Yeah, but sort of your privacy out. There's always a P-Done lurking. Oh, she just said to show my own. She's got this educate. Oh, yeah.

My friend is 12-year-old came home and said, have you heard the news? Keir Starrmer's banned the internet. Well, he's gone now anyway. He's gone now anyway. Andy Burnhamer, might reverse it. How do you feel about the social media ban? Into it. I think, well, me, I'm absolutely addicted to my social media apps.

so is Lou. We're setting a terrible example for the children. If anything, they're setting a better example for us. Adults need to do something about it. I think in years to go, people look back at photos of everyone with their neck all bent up, with their arm bent up, looking at their phone for hours and hours, like we look at photos of people on the tube smoking. Yeah.

I think it's absolutely awful for your mental health and your happiness. I've got actively got to sort that out. But I think it's a really good idea. Obviously, you can just go people or get around it and get VP. but then, you know, when I was 12, people would pay older kids to buy them cigarettes. There's always a way around. You might as well not ban anything because you might as well go, well, people will get around it with murder because they'll manage to, they'll manage to commit a murder without any evidence. So just do a drive-by-should.

And it's not allowed. It's not allowed. It's against the rules, actually. Yeah. The murder. It's about what it fucking does to your brain about this endless scroll about this how I feel when I go on social media versus how I feel after I've left and how it's, you know, tend to social circles,

people liking comments, not liking comments, you're liking, all those things. I think that's more toxic than this, I would just protecting them for that reason,

can't we just put, can't we just do normal, social media, but with, with tightened controls on pedos. It's not about that. No, it's more,

I think your child are probably more at risk of bad mental health and sort of peer group problems than immediate pedo, but obviously is that. But I think, I think it's a really good thing.

I feel a bit bad at certain parts of YouTube, like if it's quite a good creator that's hearts in the right place and all that bit, but there's so much weird stuff. But they're keeping YouTube kids, right? Yeah, so I think it forces creators in YouTube to be a bit more strict and disciplined with content of stuff, as opposed to just see what I can get away with.

But like, when they got, my daughters have been on, like, the Reels and stuff, or the YouTube shorts, and you just get, it just drags you into a, It's awful. He didn't even search for in the first place. So, yeah, I think it's a really good thing, the ban. Yeah. So that is our viewpoint.

Next on the agenda, Jeremy Doku, the Belgian football. His wife was pregnant and he said he's going to leave camp. Of course. If the baby, if the wife goes into labour, I think, yeah, definitely. Yeah, of course. Tell you who probably wouldn't think that. Tom Brady, because he takes sport too seriously. Are you really gone out for Tom Brady, haven't you?

Well, I just found him unbearable. But you hate American things as well. Do you know what? I don't hate American things. I like a lot of American bands. Fair enough. Who's your favorite American band? LCD sound system.

Are they American? Yeah, they're from New York. We do need to talk about Michael's hotel room in America. Oh, my God, yeah. Oh, no, I was going to talk to you about... I'll save these for the next one, Rob. Do you want to hear about Paddington the musical? Yes.

Or do you want to hear about... hear about my daughter getting into the World Cup? Or do you want to hear about me getting a wallet? Well, you get a... Here's another one. And these are all trails for next time. Yeah. I've had a session with a running coach.

Okay. Well, the first pick for that would be you getting a wallet, but I think because it's World Cup fever, maybe a door getting in the World Cup. I can raise you a couple of things that I've got here. I've got a horrible man. of Victoria Station. Yes, please.

I can give you that now quickly, if you want. Just walk along, bloke shouts at me. Oh, Roy, Lace is up midnight on a Saturday. Oh, hello, you're right. A bit drunk, fair enough. He's a bit loud, but whatever. He's shocked to see me. Sound like.

Well, hello, mate, you're right. You live in Portsmouth? I went, no, no, I don't live in Portsmouth. I'm going back to Brombloon. Of course I fucking don't live in Portsmouth. Look, the Victoria Station goes to so many different places. Yes, but I think what I'm learning about people is that people are very much in their own world

and everything revolves around them, which is understandable, but just assumes if he's going there from that station, then so am I. And I'd argue, even if I was born in Portsmouth, I probably wouldn't live in Portsmouth, no shade on Portsmouth, but there are lots of other places in the world

and also terrible for logistics if you're trying to be a comedian. So I'll go, no, I'm not in Portsmouth. He went, oh, okay, they're walking along. He goes, can you settle an hour, argument between me and my girlfriend and his girlfriend's sort of walking with him but two steps away sort of not enjoying this interaction I'll go oh do I have to there's a bit like it's quite awkward to settle and you know also we're just like walking I'm like we're in motion I went oh do

I go I don't want to get involved in you know you know domestics and he went well yeah basically she's a oh my god and like in front of her and I just stone I didn't love I think he thought I was going to laugh. So I didn't laugh. And I just said, that's just not a nice thing to say. Yeah. But like deadly serious like that. Yeah.

It felt awkward to do, but also felt awkward. What did she react? She said, yes, you are right. It is a horrible thing to say. Jesus, well. I went left. They went right. Fucking how.

Did it look like they were having a really big argument and they hated each other? It looked like he was a drunk idiot Yeah She long-suffering girlfriend Probably close to tapping out of the relationship Or they've maybe got a couple of kids But she was at least going to get back to Portsmouth first Yes

But she was a bit more switched on and looked more sober I imagine he wanted to go and do something That she thought wasn't the right thing to do And was more sober and measured and mature And he was throwing his toys out of the pram But if I If that was my daughter and I saw that interaction, I would say, leave them.

I've never in my life, I've been absolutely paralytic, drunk. I've never said anything close to as awful as that. Not just to my wife or Lou, like, well, she's my wife. But not even like in private, never mind to a complete stranger in front of everyone at a platform in Victoria. And I was like, that is awful. That's why I thought, like, I'm not going to sort of laugh at all. Because sometimes you sort of go, oh, no, I was like, no, that is just awful. This spring, denim gets a softer, lighter update.

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He's not. Even if he's got kids, he don't care about this. No. He's absolutely no interest in anyone other than themselves. If you're listening, leave him. Right, if you are listening or if this gets back to you, leave him or email in and tell us why you're staying.

We'll keep anonymous, but we'll give you advice and we'll guide you through it. We're here to help. Now, two more quick things. One, I've got a wallet. Two Michael's been in the worst hotel room on earth. So I've got a wallet, Rob. Go on.

I've had to go back to the wallet age. Yeah, why is that? I thought I was never going to have a wallet again. Yeah. But you have debit cards. Also, you've got your Exeter Chiefs membership card. So anyway, I've had to go back to having a wallet because I keep, because even though I've got Apple pay,

yeah. Occasionally you need your debit card. And then I don't know where it is. Yes, and then it's, yeah. So when do you need your debit card? Like if you're buying something over the phone or online. If you need cash. Yeah.

Or if sometimes like, yeah, if you just need the number on your debit card for some reason or whatever. I'm struggling to get into this story because you're sort of explaining what everyone already knows. I know, but I thought I'd left the wallet generation. Now I've had to reembrace having a wallet. Which is weird because actually I'd lost my debit card. So I got my debit cards. Right. Which has been a nightmare.

Because obviously you have to go a week without debit cards. Yeah. Get them back. Put them in a wallet. So you've got a wallet now? Yeah, put my wallet in my pocket. Is it a material one with Velcro and Umbro written on it? No, it's not.

It's leather. Yeah, so what else is in your wallet? My, what else in my wallet? My driving license? Yeah, so it's a good place to keep it all. Exactly. So there it is, right? There is also, Josh, a phone case that Lou's got that's leather.

Yeah, I know. that you've got a little thing at the back and a little clip and it doesn't make it much bigger and it has like space of free cards. Yeah, maybe I should do that. Because this is what happened, Rob. I went to do the school pickup. I'm going to keep my wallet in my pocket.

You know, this is the new mate. This is, it's like someone explaining like breathing. Is this the worst anecdote of all times? No, it's not worse, but it's so funny that for you this is such an, but most people do just pick up their wallet when they go out. Yeah. Anyway, so you've got the, let's get back into it. You've got your wallet in your pocket.

Go and do school pickup. Yeah. Walking home with my daughter. What's that on the pavement? Your wallet? My wallet. From the way when you walked in? I don't know how.

I'd already lost my wallet. I'd already dropped it on the floor. So this is why people have man bags now. Yeah, I know. Wallets are too bulky in your pocket, aren't they? I know. It's too much. And they stick to your phone when you take your phone out.

So they just flip out of your wallet out of your pocket. because they're a kind of sticky leather. What about a... But then I think if you've got a card thing, that'd be even smaller, and then you'd lose that as well. So you need maybe a bigger wallet, a man bag,

or a phone case that you can put some... How many cards are in your wallet? One debit card. The big three. Two debit cards. Two debit cards. And a driving license. Solo, joint, driving license.

Personal business driver license. Sorry. Personal business driver. Yeah, I think you need to get a phone case that has three slidy slots in because... I do. But I like my phone case because my answer helps me find my phone. Right.

And what about your key to get in? I've got keys. You've just got a set of keys? I've got a set of keys. I've got a big one. Is it the chub? And then I've got a yale. And there's attached to a beeper.

Well, I don't think that's, I don't mind. No, I just don't know if people want to hear about every key that's on it. But you've just got a set of keys. Two keys. Chub and Yale. Chub and you know. And it's got a beeper that is meant to help me find them. I lose them, but I've never managed to activate it.

Sure. I've got a wallet that I put my door key in. That feels like too much for a gamble to me. Right, okay. But then there's only one thing, yeah, because you could lose it all. Yeah. Anyway. Anyway. Well, let's know how you get on with it. Yeah, well. Well, I'm thinking now I'm just going to keep my wallet in a drawer. Why? So you just know where it is if you need it.

So I know where the stuff is if I need it, but I don't take it out and about. So if you go to an event and you've got your tickets on your fire. and you need ID, like sometimes you need ID to collect your tickets or get into a game or something. You just have to make sure you've got, you took your... It wouldn't be the first time that I've had to Google myself to show people who I am. What, to get in somewhere? Yeah. Yeah, you don't want to be doing that.

No, but sometimes desperate times lead to desperate measures. From a desperate man. From a desperate man. Should we do a small business? Yeah, and we'll do Michael's Hotel Room next time. Oh, yeah, yeah, we'll put that picture up and... By the way, do let us know. you've had a hotel room.

Oh, photos of worst hotel rooms. Great. Your one had no window. Yeah. Okay, here we go. Let's do a small business shoutout. Hey, I've been listening from day one.

I reckon one of your first ever listeners. I would love a shout out for my good friend Marguerite's gelato business. Villagio gelato. She makes it all herself from Italian recipes passed down through generations. Velagio gelato is based in Winchburg. Scotland. What's that? Edinburgh.

Edinburgh. So it might be Winchbrough. It's Berg at the end. W-I-N-C-H, B-U-R-G-H. Edinburgh. Winch-B-E-R-E-B-E-H. However, she has now started churn your own kits. All you need is your own ice cream machine.

Each kit includes, oh, we just, Lushie's bought an ice cream machine, actually. The kit includes all the dry ingredients, ready-weighed for convenience, a list of fresh ingredients to add an easy, and easy step-by-step instructions to help you create our delicious, authentic gelato at home using your own ice cream machine. The kits are available for delivery across the UK. Her website is villagio gelato.com. That's V-I-L-L-A-G-G-I-O and then gelato, J-E-L-A-T-O. God, my, I don't know, it's so hard to be intersecting.

Instagram is Valaggio Gelato. Never stop the podcast. You guys are brilliant. Thanks, Angela. There we go. There we go. Small business, shout. There you go is you holding air time to find a small business.

I know, because it was open and then it closed. Oh, Josh. Like most small businesses. I'm all right? Oh, there we go. There we go. Do you know, you'll like this, Rob. You like this one.

Yeah. You like this one because it's in Little Hampton, West Sussex, which is from your balloon. Loved Victoria, London, you live in Little Hampton, don't you? Oh, absolutely, yeah, I always go there, put on the way to Fortsmouth. Hello, hello, hello, Rob and Josh.

I've got the most delicious small business shout-out. Cat burglar donuts in Little Hampton, West Sussex. A vegan donuts delivered. Now, I know what you're thinking. Vegan, bog off, but as an avid meat scoffer, I'd go as far as to give these, as to say, these give crispy cream a run for their money. Oh, owned by Emma.

you can find them in the local markets but can order them online at www. www.cat burglardoco.co.com.com. Is that right? Yeah. If you say it is, cat burglar doco.com. or check them out on Instagram at cat burglar dough co. They can also do giant donuts for weddings and parties.

If having seven siblings didn't already scare me off having children, then this podcast definitely has. Yours sincerely, Kira in Little Hampton. Josh, I'll speak to you soon. I enjoyed this. It was pleasant. Enjoy the Arctic temperatures in Exeter. I know.

I might have to go and put a jumper on. Right, see you next week. A quick shout out to Sumo Donuts and curry smugglers to Canterbury-based companies that gave us some freebies and snacks when we were out doing that pilot last week. So big up to them. There we go. Bye.