Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S13 EP16: I Love Doing The Big Shop

Episode Date: September 11, 2026

More adventures in parenting (and life) from Rob and Josh... Today we ask the big questions... Are curtains under rated? (YES) Would Josh like to run a small cafe? (NO) And could the guys do nothing with a week off? (MAYBE) If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] Follow us on instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@parentinghell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Parenting Hell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ is a Spotify Podcast, new video episodes available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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at tui.com.com. Atoll and Abta protected. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Alfie, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And can you say Josh Whiddickham? That's... Oh, done.

Like it. There we go. This is Alfie, 30 months from Northampton, who really lives up to being the wild second child. Me and my sister have been listening since the beginning. So this will be a nice surprise for her to hear her nephew. We came to your O2 show and have seen you both separately. Thank you for making me laugh on my drives to work, Lauren, 388 months.

Thank you for coming to our shows, Lauren. Without people like you, we won't be doing this. It would be Josh. So thank you very much for listening. supporting us. Yeah. I did a tour show this week. Just give us thanks to our fans, Josh.

I did a tour show this week. Did you? I know. What did you say that? I did do a tour show this week. Where? So, do you remember when I was going to, I think we can say this.

I was toying with going to Australia to do gigs. Yes. Well, that was like penciled in for September, for late September. Yeah. So we got in three warm updates. to get you ready for Australia. Put them on sale.

They sold out. So you're getting warmed up for strictly by doing three gigs that make you more time. So now I can't go to Australia because of other work. That's fine because it wasn't on sales. That's okay. I can go Australia another time, no problem.

Yeah. But three warm updates are already sold out. So what ones have you done? I did Exmouth Pavilion on Friday night. How was that? A fire alarm went off during the second half. I mean, that's better in a way because you just want to just be funny on that.

You don't have to remember the show anymore. You just be funny for a bit. I did a lot of audience stuff, Rob. And it was really funny, and it was really fun. And then I said, I've got Barnstable in a few weeks. Is anyone going to come to that one? And one guy said, well, I might have to because I want to see the show. It's a fair point.

I felt bad. I felt bad. It's going on telly, isn't it? I said, the beauty of live theatre is that it's different every night. Exactly. It just so happened. but there's none of the material. Unless I'm in a run of 50 gigs without a day off

and it will probably be exactly the same. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But when I've forgotten it, it will be different every night. Yeah, exactly. I think that's when comedians are at their best, though, sometimes like that. I do. I totally agree.

You're getting a much more unique experience of it. But both good. When you're just slick and into your material and know it back your round, it's so good because it's unrelenting, but then I think it's also just as much fun, see a comedian,

like, be in between that. Totally. I'm telling myself that because I've got to do a gig next week at the Palladium and I have not a gig for ages. Is that the Jack D gig?

Yeah. I can't remember any of my stuff that I did before, really, and I don't really want to do it anymore because I've done so much, but I haven't got anything else new. Oh, God.

You're not going to warm up for 10 minutes at a mixed bill show. No, no, I'm not going to, no, but I'm saying, that's what I mean. So you can't do anything new, is what I mean. It's not like you go,

well, I'll just get 10 minutes together, by gigging all week. What, why are you going out, Daddy? Oh, I'm warming up for a show where I'm doing 10 minutes on a mix bit. Can you just talk at them? Well, yes and no, but no, it needs to look like I'm just talking at them, but actually it takes ages to get to the point where it looks like I'm talking at them.

Because if I do just talk at them, it's very apparent I'm just talking at them. It's quite a difficult job, actually. Stand up is definitely the hardest job. Out of all of the jobs, I think. Dunning Entertainment, it's easily the hardest by a country mark. Yeah. But when you... It's the only one that...

I was going to say stand-up's the only one who makes me feel worthless because it can go so badly wrong. But then I've had some panel shows like that, Rob. Well, no, not worthless, but it's like, if you have a bad one, it's very apparent and horrific. If you, like, for example, I did a quiz show run-through thing for a pilot. That went really well and I really enjoyed it. but if I was terrible at that,

you can only be so terrible because there's a framework around, all you've got to do is apologise and go, okay, the question is, and just bark it out and then shut up for a minute. Whereas in stand-up, if it starts going bad, it's such a domino effect of hell, because it will end up just you in front of 2,000 people, sat there in silence, you have nothing funny to say. Yeah.

But I think crowd work, look, if I'm doing a bit of crowdwork for the next few months as I get bits together, I'm good at crowd work. It's fine. If that was my whole act forever, fair enough. He's cheating. Criticise me.

But yeah, so I think it's fine. I'm looking forward to it. It's a great line-up. He's a Jack D. charity gig. He's done 40 years in comedy. 40 years in comedy, so he's celebrating by doing

a big charity gigs, raising money for a hospice, I think. He loves stand-up. Yeah. He's just done Edinburgh, a full Edinburgh, and he's just come off a back tour. His kids have left home,

and he's gone, let's fucking gig again. Well, I think it's the right way around, the Jack D model. We spoke to me at that big gap, didn't he, when they're about our age? But I think about this, like, I love to do it and I always want to do it. But I'm having a bit of time off in this autumn. I have to be doing something. So I had a mole cut out of my back, right?

So I can't exercise for two weeks. I thought the mole would just be like whipped off, wouldn't even notice it. Normal plaster. It's got five stitches. Oh, my word. So can you not play golf either, though? Can't play golf, can't run, can't do anything that makes you sort of hot and sweaty or moving a bit. It's been a week now, so only got another week to go.

It probably would be fine. Yeah, like for Loco, I don't think that makes me hot and sweat. Gids her a couple days off. Catch your breath, love. We'll be back on it in a fortnight. Anyway, so I've realized that like I can't just do nothing. You know, like I can't just sit and I have to, like, even if I'm not working, You couldn't be Bob Monkhouse going to the Caribbean.

No, I could, but I'd be playing golf all day at the Caribbean. Oh, so golf is your way to do nothing? Yeah, golf or playing football or I have to, if I physically, I need to be run like a dog, so I need to be physically tired. So normally my workload would do that. So could, if I'm going to give you a week, right? Yeah. Could you live like this?

Go on. Monday, Tuesday. Yeah. Get up. The kids have left home. So there's no children at all. There's no children. Monday, Tuesday.

Get up. Have a coffee. Yeah. Amble down to the golf course. Yeah. Play around a golf. Yeah. Get back.

Have dinner. Look at your phone while the football's on in the background for five days. Five days, I think I'd get bored of doing that same thing. But I definitely could do that for three days and then something else in the other two days. What's your something else? I play football. Five side foot comedian. Ideal scenario is at Monday.

do the podcast of you because I do enjoy it, right? Yeah. Right. Say I've got to do some work. I'm not going to work like I did before. But so I work Mondays is the football podcast, Peron and Hill podcast, all my admin Monday. Tuesday, football, comedian's football.

Yeah. Then Wednesday golf. Thursday, I'll go for a run. Yeah. Maybe I have a bit of a chill sort of at the house day. That can't fill you. That can't fill your day. Friday, golf again.

your Thursday is go for a run. And then I've got Saturday and Sunday to feel fucking it. What do these people do? Book me a tour, but me a tour. Well, no, I think I probably would go and do a couple of games. I would like enjoy gigging. I would put in a perfect week, this sounds a bit sad, I would put in maybe on that Thursday night,

I'd go out and do some gigs. Rob Beckett's perfect week. Yeah. So Thursday, I'd do the run in the morning, then come home and sort of chill for a bit, and then that night I have a couple of gigs booked in. A couple of gigs? Yeah, like 10 minute gigs.

I'm going up to all the way up to Central London for one 10 minute. I'd do like maybe a couple of 20 minute gigs. Two clubs, one at 8 o'clock, one at half nine. And what are you doing in your evenings? The other evenings, cooking for my beloved wife, Lou. The thing is I do think Lou gets a bit bored of me interrupting her watching her programs because I talk a lot. My perfect week may impact Lou's perfect week.

Do you think there's a chance you're going to be in your... You're in 10 years time, go on. You're going to be sat in separate sitting rooms watching different programs. 10 years time? That's my current situation. Is it? Not always, but a lot, yeah.

Well, I don't want to watch Real Housewives and she doesn't want to watch the football. But we do come together for series, and then it's every night. So we'll bang through a series every night. I don't watch rivals. We did that every night for two weeks, whatever we could, depend on kids' bedtime and stuff.

And then if something else comes, I watched a documentary called Murder in Monaco the other night. That was good. Oh, yeah. About that, um... Murder in Monaco? Yeah, the guy in 1990, billionaire, got killed. Oh, I quite enjoy that.

It's really good, actually. You've got to watch the bus, Rob. It's in French, though, isn't it? They've dubbed it. Have they? Yeah. I can't listen to Didier Deshaams with a dubbing. It's Patrick Severa, Raymond Dominick.

Oh, was that era? Yeah, Bakri Sanga, who doesn't look like that. like you imagine He's changed his look I didn't recognise him for ages Let's save that for the football one Michael could you retire No I couldn't do days of nothing

But I could happily just play poker I go to the cinema And watch football For the rest of my life on repeat But will you get bored of that at a certain point Or I think if you've got enough on Nope absolutely not But you need to have things

And I would get back into computer games Yes I can't wait for granted And then maybe once a year I'd make a little I'd make a little podcast. Oh, here we go. The making of drawers.

There he goes. Five-parter. There he goes. Little five-parters. You've got to do something. But that's not a job. No. You've got to do something creative with your mind.

Yeah. And like you say, all the jobs we do, really, we're very lucky, are fun jobs. The problem is we say yes to too many fun jobs. And we're burning the candle at both ends. And we're too tired to appreciate them and enjoy them. That's our problem. As opposed to, we're not mining. We're not coal mining.

here, but I couldn't just not do anything, whatever my job was in the main. I'd have to do something. You'd have to do something, Rob. You'd have to do something. Yeah. So what was the next thing we're going to talk about? I can't remember. Hang on, we got loads of messages here.

Series 13, episode 12, we rang the lady called Camilla who left her mobile on the kid's voice intro. She was in the parlour milking cows, in brackets not so posh. Finally got around to listen to the voicemail from two sexery label comedians. after putting my daughter's bed, and ran down and said, with such excitement to tell my husband, I almost woke my daughter up. So she was milking a cow, Camilla, when you rang her.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Camilla. I definitely, if I was milking cows, I'd definitely have to be phoned with me with a podcast on. You don't want to listen to that squelching, do you? Have you heard, Rob, the clip? A cow beer milked, no. No, it's a funny clip.

It is a funny, the radio fail. The radio fail. It's an inappropriate joke, Rob, but I think we can enjoy it. Go on. when Jeremy Vine reads out the text. Okay, so this is, our new feature is showing Josh the World Wide Web. Now is Josh showing Rob the World Wide Web?

Yeah, I've not seen this one. I'm into radio fails. Do you not like radio fails? Not really. I've not seen it. Is it like an Instagram page? Have you not heard the Colin Murray Radio fail? No.

This is amazing, Rob. This is so good. Oh, Rob, have you not heard this? No. You've got to wait to the end. For it. A whole bit he did there was weird. Yeah.

He just got on a roll and just, if you're on radio too much and get comfortable, you'll just like try anything and forget that it's there forever. I'll show you another radio fail next time. So I do the World Wide Web, you do radio fails. Have you ever heard the Jody Kid radio fail? No. I didn't know you had such a niche intro.

How are you accessing them so quickly? Here we go. This is good. I love it. There are some bright and sunny spells today. Top temperatures of four degrees. Right now I'm Coburn Garden. It's zero. I'm Claire Miller. It's 603. Now, Johnny Vaughn and Jody Kidd.

Good. Fuck off. You hear that? Yeah, she just went, oh, fuck off. Yeah, it's great. I love him. Why did that? Do you know why that happened? What did she? Press the wrong button or something, didn't she? Was she presenting?

Yeah. Johnny Vaughn and Jody Kid. Yeah. Is she a model? Yeah, she was a model. Did you go out of Jamie Cullum? No, that's Sophie Dahl. Roald Dahl's daughter?

Granddaughter. Granddaughter. She never gets in her nepo baby smoke, does she? She does not. She sides step that. Who's your favourite nepo baby? I quite... In what regard, though, do you know?

I mean, I'll be hard pushed to be able to judge any of their output. Do you know what I mean? Like, I've not tried Brooklyn and Beckham. hot sauce. I've not listened to much of Cruz Beckham. You know when celebrities are really famous people get married? Well, it rarely works. They must have some dollar. She was, you know, Cullums earned a cut of a quid, living off the old real doll money. Do you know what I mean? Willie Wonka's still bashing out. Do you know how many people grafting on that? She's having a little bit of a tickle from that. Is she so? I think she's probably got good money on her own right as well.

Absolutely. But you're not going to say no to a bit of a little Willie Wonka's spare change, are you? Exactly. Exactly. Right. No, but you know, I'm really really. famous people get married. Taylor Swift and Travis Kels. Yeah. Kelsey? Is it Kelsi? Sorry. It's so rare that they're still together 40 years later, isn't it? I can barely

name anyone. A celebrity couple that's lasted. A celebrity couple? So, Jayze and Beyonce. Yeah. And I suppose the Beckham's. The Beckhams? But then the Beckons have still got kids in school. Jules and Jamie Oliver. Jules and Jamie Oliver. That's a nice one.

I love Jules and Jamie Oliver. Yeah. They seem like a nice couple, don't they? They do, don't they? I like Jamie Oliver. I think if you went around their house for dinner, he'll be a right laugh. If I went around the beckles for dinner,

I'd be a bit like, what's going on here? I might look like, have I gone awkwardly stand with David as he cooks one mushroom in his weird tent? Or am I having a glass of wine with Victoria? What, where I imagine it's like, it's a little bit more all in one room at the Oliver's. Oh, wait a minute.

I'm taking a photo of the first. family for Instagram. That's why I'm here. That kind of stuff. And, you know, and then something will be like, one of them might go, like, oh, it's so great to have all my family around me. And I'm like, oh, old up, where's Brooklyn? But I don't want to say that out loud. Do you what I mean? Yeah. But look, let's do this. If Jamie Jules, Victoria, David, you would like to invite us both round for dinner separately, and then we can report back and review. Do you know what? A celebrity come dying with me where you were in the same week as the Beckham's and the Oliver's and Jayzie and Beyonce.

And then you and you and Rose? And then Rose. I would be so stressed about having all them come around for dinner. Wouldn't you? What are you cooking? Right, you've got Jay Zy, Biont, Jules and Jamie Oliver. I'm definitely, I haven't got any dinner up. Have I got Jamie?

I don't know. But I would get their numbers and I would privately message Jamie Oliver to sort of have someone on side early doors. I would, do you know what I'd do? I'd get Jamie Oliver. Yeah. I'd cook something from one of his cookbooks. Oh, I don't know.

feels a bit. And then we'd have Jay-Z's music on, would you? And Rose would be one of Victoria's dresses? Yeah. I know I'd be wearing David Beckham's police sunglasses. These were police-sily. With his espresso machine. With his espresso machine.

Who wants an espresso for the end of the evening? Anyone want some hot sauce? Don't worry. We've got Franks. No, rather than Cloud 23, named after your dad's number when he played football, even though he's done nothing for you, apparently. You know, I said they're bogged down into this.

Yeah. Because they're real people in real lives. Shame really, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Are you estranged listeners from your parents? Tell us why. Tell us if you're estranged your parents.

Tell us why, if you regret it, but you're too embarrassed to solve it and go back to him. That'd be a good one. And then we can try and assist. Yeah. Talk of emails. Talk of emails. Oh, temporary permanent. I spoke about the cardboard thing we've had in the scare.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Stopping the dogs. Hi, Rob and Josh. I'm listening to the episode where Rob introduces the temporary but permanent feature and I finally have something to contribute. We moved into our new house two years ago. The week we moved in, I bought some curtains from the charity shop for 50p as a stop gap. We moved in August and I was tired of being woken up at 4 am by the sun. The curtains are so very ugly that don't fit a windows. I have to put a hair clip in a middle so that they join. Otherwise, there's a huge gap and they're so thin they'll let all the light through anyway.

Our second daughter was born three weeks later, so measuring the window, ordering the material, making the curtains, is so low on my priority list, I reckon it'll be at least another year before I replaced them. We had a similar, Rob.

When we moved to our place, oh, when we moved to our place, the first house we moved into, the first house we bought, after we've been renting a shop. Back of, Columbia Road.

You rented in a shop? well like an old shop we rented an old shop in highbury they turned it into a flat yeah yeah we had a suction blackout blind that you'd buy for children on our windows

on our bedroom window so you know those suction things that never stick for very long we'd have to suction it up every night I wish um am I right

come on it's good Hugh Even I wouldn't have every night in a perfect week. It didn't come up once in your perfect week. Too busy going for your run. Do two, 10-minute gigs. Yeah, and it was a living hell. A living without curtains is so much worse than you think it's going to be.

Yeah, yeah, you go, well, we'll sort them out. In the summer, especially, you sort them out now. You don't realize how important curtains are until you don't have them. And what a great quote for this podcast. That's the clip I think people will all say. send to their mates to make them listen. It's so good, it's so funny. This is this.

I don't think people realise how important curtains are. Do you know what? You're right. The sad thing is you're fucking right. But, you know, is it cool or popular to be right anymore? No. Curtains is another one. Do not get the credit they deserved.

They don't. They do not get the credit they deserve. Do you want another temporary permanent? It is a little fun. It's a little joke for you, wrong. Oh, go on you. To liven it out. If you don't think curtains are important,

and pull yourself together. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, like that. There you go. Yeah, it's good. Yeah, pretty fun. When West Jet first took flight in 1996, the vibes were a bit different.

People thought denim on denim was peak fashion. Inline skates were everywhere, and two out of three women rocked, the Rachel. While those things stayed in the 90s, one thing that hasn't is that fuzzy feeling you get when West Jet welcomes you on board. Here's to West Jetting since 96. Travel back in time with us

and actually travel with us at Westjet.com slash 30 years. Hi, my temporary permanent is a piece of blue tacks shoved over a tiny hole under my bedroom window seal. We're in a bungalow. One hot evening last summer, I saw a trail of ants scurrying in through the hole and thought blue tack would be a quick fix. Alas, this summer, it is still there.

And we've had no more ants coming in from the lavender. What's worth it? It's worth. Don't fix what ain't broke. Beck from Sittingbourne. Now Dorset. 1,828 weeks old and 41 weeks pregnant. Oh, 41.

Fucking weeks. You're not changing it. That blue tax there for another year if she's about to give birth. She might put a blue tax somewhere else. You're sure you've not? You've not covered your roller, your own one up. Sorry. You'd pay extra for the white tack down there, wouldn't you?

Potentially. Yeah. Obviously, dependent on race. If you're a smurf, go for the good stuff. Go for the good stuff. I like blue tech. Good brand. If they want to sponsor on.

us. They really have got that. They've got the tack market sewn up, haven't they? Blue Tac. Do you know what? Sticky tack, Blue Tuck. No one's even tried to take them on. Have they? They've absolutely got it. There's no one else had it.

I would have a look for competitors of Lutac because I've never even thought or seen another option. You've got Blue Tack, yeah, there, bang. Yeah, exactly. White Tuff Tuck. So Tuff Tacks, the non-branded one. I don't want it white, though, because then it shows the dirt when you're rolling it in your fingers.

Strong tough tack, but they can't say it's blue because that's a registered name. This is the worst three minutes we've ever done. So you can get pink tough tack but you can't get blue tux. From curtains are over underrated to this has been utterly unacceptable. I've seen some of the other stuff out there.

Oh, what do you want me to do? Talk about how I'm fucking optimise my life then fucking cry about something that happened to me when I was 15. Fucking hell. Do you want a deep dive? Oh God, what makes you motivated? Fuck, I don't fucking know.

All right. Do you know what? I was watching an interview with Michael Owen. This isn't about football. The Jake Humphrey interview with Michael Owen, right? The clip came up on my thing. They do this thing. What are your three non-negotiables?

I don't think I've got any. Well, having a shit in a piss and going to sleep. That cannot change. That has to happen. Everything else is negotiable. Do you know what I mean? Every morning. wake up, right, and do 20 press-ups.

All right, I'll give you a million pound not to do it this morning. No, it's non-negotiable. I bet it fucking would be negotiable, mate, you little rat. Every morning I'll wake up three things I'm thankful for. Oh, no, you don't. No. Not every morning. We'll rush them out and not really think about it just to say you've done it.

Yeah. Oh, you've gone for the sun again, have you? Well, well, done. Well, after a week, I've written down, oh, fucking journaling. Can you think of anything more boring, the journaling? How much time have you got that you start the day by journaling? I've got nothing to say. We managed to do this.

I know. But we're being funny, we're messing about. I'm not journaling. It's all so wholesome and so all. And I'm sick and it's, oh, you only get so many, you fall for this trap. So many summers of your kids, 18 years. Yeah, yeah, accept it. And then enjoy.

Stop journaling. Stop journaling. Enjoy them as an adult because you can't stop pining and fucking whinging over something that is unstoppable except the fact they're growing up, except the fact they won't be your little baby and forget that and enjoy what they are now,

which is an adult with their own ideas, own views and they're fun to hang out with. Stop fucking whinging about the past. How's it going with Lou? You can get purple tack and all. Right, do another email? Yeah. Right, here we go.

Okay, shall I do an email? Come on. Give me something. What you got? Niche interests your kids are into. How are you sexy and relatable pair? Just writing to tell you about phase my nephew Jack was into for a while when he was younger. He was absolutely obsessed with washing machines.

He would beg my brother and sister-in-law, Laura, to take him to Curry's on a weekend to go and check out the latest machines they had on display. He'd sit and watch the washing machine go round and around at home for hours, was eventually brought a kid's toy. washing machine that actually spins around when you put small items inside. And one year his mum even baked him an incredible birthday cake that was a washing machine made of icing and sponge. That's nice. Embrace the niche.

He eventually discovered football and grew out of it, replacing a obsession with Arsenal instead. But then there must be something in and that loves it still, but he maybe doesn't want to admit it because he's older now. My sister-in-law, Laura, is also an avid fan of the pod. So hopefully this gets read out as a lovely surprise for her when she she's listening next. Cheers Barney.

Yeah, Barney. Well, talking to BluTack, I bet there'll be someone who's obsessed with Blu-Tac out there. Do you know anyone who's obsessed with Blu-Tac? Right, what do you want to hear? Oh, can I just do this one as well, Rob,

on the same topic? My four-year-old was fixated on Del Boy for months. We managed to sorts of sheepskin jacket, flat-cap, gold chain, and briefcase, which he insisted on filling with my old costume jewelry. You'd talk about the characters nonstop and sang both.

the theme songs, word for word. His nursery teacher was in hysterics when he showed up as Bellboy for World Book Day. Love the pod, Bethan, Doncaster. I mean, World Book Day is, they're really stretching it, aren't they? Oh, yeah. I fucking love Del Boy, though. I do, too, and it's more fun to dress your kid up at it,

but what's the, you know, each space you should be called Fancy Dress Day. Exactly, because everything's a book these days. Well, exactly, you can just pretend. Everyone just wear your football kit and say it's just an autobiography or someone. Yeah, exactly. I love Del Boy, great character. Oh, man, I love Only Fools and Hors. The last Only Fools and Horses is not the last ones after the...

You know, the proper end one before they brought it back? Yes. Oh, man, so good. Well, they brought it back. They won the lottery, hadn't they? Was that the one they brought back? They won the lottery. No, no, they didn't win the lottery.

They had a price of this watch that they sold it. It should have ended there, shouldn't it? Should have ended there. I like the Miami one. Oh, the Miami one. So good. We got stuck on a jet ski. Oh, brilliant.

Somewhere in the city. That song, I still remember seeing that. It just felt so exciting to be in America. I think that's probably where I've got my excitement for America. That scene where they go there and it's like a lot of high shot of like the freeways. It was like shot like a film that Miami. I don't think it even had a laughter track. I think it was like an hour and a half only Fools and Horses movie basically where they go and they go to Miami.

Miami twice, wasn't it? Yeah. And Del Boy looks exactly like the Mafia boss And they're trying to kill him So it looks like the Mafia boss has been killed It's such a great idea for a thing in it But that's that song now So hour and 24 minutes yet, it's basically a film

Oh man, I'm going to watch that Mafia Don Vincenzo So he plays the Mafia for him in that track too He plays both He plays both Oh, I love Miami twice Oh, I love Only Fools and horses Oh, do you want university fails?

I've got a couple of it. Yeah. I've done one for ages. Hi guys, hearing you ask for starting uni fails this morning reminded me of something funny I saw back in 1996 in my first few weeks of uni. All students had to register with the GP practice over the road from our halls of residence.

So I was dutifully sat waiting for my appointment after handing my completed health questionnaire and urine sample pot. While there, I know it's another student for my halls come and do the same. And the receptionist asked for his questionnaire and sample. I kid you not, this student handed over his questionnaire Oh no.

And a two-liter Coke bowl filled of his own piss. The reception his face was a picture. I couldn't help but wonder whether that was all one massive piss or he'd been filling it up in stages till it got to the top. Shiona from Warwick. Oh, that's a bit of fun. That's so much liquid. Oh, my God.

That's quite fun. Do another one. Yeah. I have a uni story for you that I think will top Josh's rotten potatoes. In between the first and second of uni, me and my partner at the time had to pack all her own stuff from halls, carted back to the parents' house so we could then move into the house to be renting for the next two years after the summer break. Fast forward of three months of summer and I'm around here's helping go through the boxes decide what needs to come with us and if anything could be left behind.

Lots of boxes had to be stored down the garage and had been looked at since we moved out. I will never forget the smell. Oh no. The worst smell I've ever smelled in my life. Oh no. A packet of bacon had been wrapped away with the kitchen pots and pans. Oh, gosh. I'm grateful I wasn't the one who discovered it,

so I never had to see the black sludge that was once bacon. Oh, fuck. Everything in the box had to be thrown away as even after going through the dishwasher, the smell still lingered. Oh, my God. We are now both vegan, not a direct result of the revolt.

in baking instant, but we certainly didn't help. Thanks to the pod. Love Larissa from Portsmouth. I think fridges are better now, by the way. Our cold is a supermarket. Jesus Christ. I've got to take a jumper to go in there. When I take my kids to the supermarket.

In the summer and they're in a little dress. Yeah. They're like, why are we here? Why are you doing this to me? It's too cold. I fucking love doing the big shop, Rob. Lou hates it. I don't mind it.

Lou has to do it online. She can't go into a supermarket. She gets overwhelmed. with choice. I find it nostalgic, like most things. I feel like, I feel attached to doing the big shop. It feels like I'm stepping back in time. Do you know, you know when you do something with your kids and you're like, oh, this feels like my parents did this with me and now I'm doing it with my kids. Well, I think if you are in the in the shop, in the big shop, you actually, you've got spare time. That means now. Because if you're busy, you may as well just do it

online in 20 minutes. Of course. I mean, rather than driving somewhere, parking, remembering and you forgot the bag, spending another tenor on bags because you've forgot no bags. And it's a little bit of a balladice. I think it is a bit like, if you've got time to do the big shop, you've got quite a lot of spare time that week.

And I like the supermarket cafes as well. Why? Have we not discussed this before, my love of supermarket and department store cafes? No, I don't think so. I'm not sure. Have we discussed this, Michael?

Not from memory, but if you start telling it, I'll know. It's not an anecdote. It's just I love, because... It's never stops us before. they're stuck in time because they're like they're everyone in a supermarket or department store cafe is 80 and they and they're like cafes from when I was a kid there's they're just like they're like they haven't moved on with coffee they haven't embraced anything new they're just people queuing up for a

slice of carrot cake and like a nest cafe and the other option is like a sandwich and it's just it's just like a place it's just a step back in time they're that they're that They're the last remaining cafes from the 90s. Well, it's old people and people with young kids that try, like, because there's normally good toilets near like a Marks & Spencer's cafe. Yeah. I mean you could do in mid-shop. Exactly.

The thought of like going to the third floor of a John Lewis to go to the cafe. What's your perfect sandwich? It's ham and butter, isn't it? Or cheese and butter. Sorry. Your perfect sandwich, is it? No. My perfect sandwich.

In one of those, Pete, if you go there or. Or I'm going to get a big milky... Cheese and coleslaw. Cheese and coleslore? Yeah. And a slice of cake? Would you get a slice of cake? I'll have a slice of cheesecake, please.

And I'll love a tea. You love that? I don't eat enough sandwiches. Sandwiches have gone out of fashion. I don't like it. People should eat more sandwiches? I think they're underrated. Cheese and coleslaw?

Cheese and coleslaw sandwich. Yes, please. I'd love one of them now. Why don't you open a cat? Because it would be an insane decision. No, but the new demographic, unstrictly, they'll be all over your cafe. They'd love your cafe.

I don't want to have to think about business rates. I always think, like, oh, maybe I'll just go somewhere and open a little business. And then I think it's much more stressful than it looks, isn't it? Yes, massively so. I think that's the problem. I think that's a pub. People always want a pub, didn't they? Or a restaurant or a bar or a cafe bit is.

like you're just stood in the kitchen trying to work out when to order the cheese yeah exactly and you're like cheeses out of date josh you on the phone go my staff members claiming they've got a headache so they can't come in so suddenly i'm understaffed and uh-da and business rates have gone up and oh my god and now i'm paying rent and the landlords putting that up and oh no another cafe's open up next door and this is too much you're i tell you the best person i've ever known to find everything that could go wrong with a situation so quickly? The way you formulate that list was, if you asked AI to list all the problems of a cafe,

it couldn't have done it quicker. Oh, I've failed it. Yeah, and now I've failed my hygiene rating. Do you want a food confession or a... Yeah, I'll have a food confession. Let's have a food confession. Hi, Rob, Joshua, Michael. I'm currently on holiday in Cornwall.

and was chatting about weird food habits with my three kids and their boyfriends. When my husband admitted that he used to have a weird food habit, here goes. He told us he used to get a hula hoop, chew it up, then roll it in a ball, and put it into the whole of the next hula hoop, and then eat it. Oh, no, thank you. No, thank you. Not for me that. I can never unhear that.

Luckily, in the last 19 years, I've never witnessed him do it. Keep doing what you're doing, say, sex-related April from Perry St. Edmonds. Well, I've done that once. Have you? But not eating it. There was a competition. I remember when I'd Hula hoop had put like a hula hoop with no hole in a bag. And if you had that bag, you won money.

Oh. So me and my brother. That's a clever promo. What me and my brother did was I chewed it. I don't know if we did it together. And I put it back in and put it in the freezer. Oh, my word. To like harden it all up.

And then I was going to try and send it in to try and claim the money. Yeah, did that work? I didn't say it in. I was about nine. I think it's pretty silly in my mum's freezer at our old house. Look out for that in there. Do you remember when polo started selling the holes? Oh. You must remember that.

Polo holes? There was a brief period where polos were selling the holes. Oh, I've seen the picture now. Were they nice? Well, they were fine. It's just, I mean, what a waste of everybody's time. Yep, that is true. You were correct there.

Do you know what, Rob? I'm tired. I've run out of steam, haven't we? We have. We've run out of steam. Is that bad? No, I think I'm hungry now. It's got late, because normally we start earlier.

Full disclosure, this is like the Bible. We don't need to say that. It's our third hour. This isn't good enough. I think the last five minutes has been substandard. I think Michael may have his little bit of a job. on his hands piecing that together. Should we finish strong with a pair of shaggers?

Yeah, we need it. We need it. We might need at least two, maybe three more. Okay. Right, Josh, playground shaggers. This is another call-out for more playground shaggers. We'll do a next special dish too. Come on, chin up.

Let's go. Let's fucking do this. Let's fucking do this. Come on. It sounds like you're shagging in that hotel room alone. Whittickham's in there. And he's finished. Hi Shaggers, please keep me anonymous.

Back in primary school, there were two girls in my class. Let's call them Lucy and Hannah, who are basically a two-person cult. Joined at the hit from reception all the way to year six. They were together all the time, both in and out of school. Their parents even became best mates too. Dinner's weekends away, the fall, we're basically found in our package. Then suddenly in year six, it all changed. The girls were hardly speaking.

The parents weren't hanging out. And the whole playground was buzzing like someone had dropped a love island twist into a church of England primary. And, oh boy, the twist. It turns out Hannah's dad and Lucy's mom had been having a full-blown affair for years. Oh, no. All while the daughters were plaiting each other's hair

and the parents were doing joint barbecues like a wait-row-sponsored Brady Bunch. But the way it came out, the real masterpiece, Hannah found a pair of knickers in her dad's car. Yeah, you guessed it. They were not her mom. And because kids are basically tiny detectives with no emotional filter, she held them up like Exhibit A.

One guess who's they were. Chaos divorces all round. The friendship group exploded like a cheap firework. And here's the kicker. Hannah's dad and Lucy's mum got together properly. And nearly 30 years later, they're still together and married. So maybe, just maybe, those rogue knickers with Destiny's calling card. from the ultimate twist, Hannah.

Oh! No, I made that up. Oh. It's anonymous. Oh. Would have been nice, so, wouldn't it? Would have been nice. Would have been lovely.

Oh, wow. And we've never had someone talking, we'd be more than welcome someone talking honestly. About the worst thing that happened to them as a child. No, about if they were the playground chaggers or if they were the children of the playground shaggers. I'd like to hear from the No Shame Shaggers. No shame shaggers.

Here's a new feature. You know, you're going, do you know what? My wife was horrible. She'd treat me badly. I know we've been together. I was in a loveless relationship. She was really horrible to me. And then the only person that would listen to me was the mum of my sons.

The nearest woman to me, who was my soulmate. I decided that I connected on a. deeper levels, the nearest woman to me during a period where I felt a bit alone. So that's what I'm with now. Yeah. And now, I'm in another loveless relationship, but this time I feel like I can't go again. Yeah, exactly. And I'm too old.

No one wants me. And there's no women near me because all the kids have left school. So just going to have to grind it out until we go on a cruise. Right, another one. There we go. Food Confession. Hello, you sexy and relatable pair. I went to start by saying, I love the podcast and I've been listening since the start.

When I found out I was going to be a first-time dad. I've always had quite odd food habits to the point where when I was a child, my mum had to hide things like malt vinegar and lemon juice to stop me draining the bottle. Oh dear. Do you think people, maybe their bodies made up of not enough sort of acid in the body, which is why they crave this kind of weird. It's odd, isn't it? I mean, it's mad because it's not tasty.

I don't know how it works. Why does some people like some foods and some people not? I don't understand, but then I suppose why it's like certain textures? This has carried on into adulthood where I've been known to eat whole lemons as well as raw onions and scotch bonnet chili peppers in the office. That's meant. This is understandably met by equal parts of amusement and disgust. My lowest food, Ebb, actually came when I was at home one evening and fancy cheese on toast. We were due to do the shopping the next day and we were short of a key component, namely the bread.

Not wanted to be deterred. I cut a couple of healthily lumps of cheddar and liberally spread butter over them. Before scoffing the lot. Cheddar and butter. Sorry, we've got a serial killer here. Afternoon, lads, I have various interesting food combinations from when I was a child. But the weirdest of all is definitely kippers on dark chocolate biscuits. Yeah, that's weird.

That's awful. What does a kipper taste like, Rob? I've never had a kipper. Sort of like, well, I've had them. My mum's had them. I didn't really like it. But the sort of like tangy fish that's like you have loads of salt and lemon on. but I don't like dark chocolate either

I'm so tempted to try it again as an adult but I can't bring myself to do it maybe if this gets read out I'll go for it should we start trying these food suggestions I mean why don't I take the butter on cheese and then you can have kippers on biscuits I'll have kippers on biscuits next time that's from katee

um I don't need to be kept anonymous I'm a chronic oversharer ditto snap Right, Josh, you're busy a couple of weeks of you coming up. How are you feeling about the workload with doing this and all the strictly stuff? Fine. Yeah, pumped and ready.

Midday or Monday, he's yawning. It's easier than the tour. Yes, it's an easier gig than a tour. Yeah. The fundamental of the gig. The fundamental of the gig is more stressful, obviously, because tour you just turn up and you do. you know what you're doing.

Yeah, it's harder to do at all, but there's more external pressure and attention on Strictly, which will make it feel more intense, but actually the job's much easier and fun, but you just have to block out all the comments because whatever you do, there'd be 50-50 positive and negative.

So it's best to just not... I'd hope 6040 in my favor. But no, well, they'll... If you look at anything, if you do anything that's on the BBC, and if you do strictly, There's just people that whatever the BBC puts out are anti it. Do you know what I mean?

So you could be objectively perfect, but, you know. So you don't think I'm not. I'm trying to help. No, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Do you know what? It's all but I'll do another tour. I might do another tour.

It'll be great. You'll be great. Right. See you next time, Josh. I'm going to go to bed. Bye. Bye. Don't you wish you could just hit skip on the worst parts of your life?

You know the same way. you can skip an ad? I get it. I'm Siyya and I live in Ice Cove. I've made some questionable decisions that didn't end up the way I planned and today I'm still figuring it out. Somehow things usually get worse before they get better. Apparently that's how I roll. So bundle up and come along for the bumpy ride. Stream a new episode of North of North Tuesdays on CBC Gem.