Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S13 EP18: We've sold our dogs

Episode Date: September 18, 2026

More adventures in parenting (and life) from Rob and Josh... This week we discuss the big topics; - It's weird how you can sell a horse but not a dog. - Are baby cucumbers a different breed to regular big cucumbers? - Some classic temporary / permanant If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] Follow us on instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@parentinghell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Parenting Hell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ is a Spotify Podcast, new video episodes available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Discover coffee plus on nispresso.com. This episode is presented by Tui. Look, you've got to love a family holiday, Josh. Oh, you've got to love it. Who wouldn't love it, Rob? You know what the problem with the holidays is, right? You don't get enough of them. That's the problem.

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Club for free. We're talking members-only deals, personalized rewards from Toey and some of their brilliant partners and plenty of chances to win amazing prizes. Love it. Get more from your holiday book now and discover the Toey smiles reward club at 2i.combe.com. Atoll and Abta protected. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with Arthur. Can you say Rob Beckett? My, Hickie, Kee, and can you say Josh Whittaker? just Josh would make you sad. Well, that's funny. Yeah, I think that too.

Unbelievable. We don't like that here. Obviously, I love that, but we really don't like that. I love that. We don't put up for that kind of stuff. That's horrible. It's divisive. I love it.

But we, as a podcast, don't like that, do we, Josh? No, we don't. Hi, Robin Josh. I'm a... No, sorry. Hi, Robin Josh. I've been looking forward to this moment ever since your first episode during lockdown

when I lived my best carefree life for just my dog and horses. Since then, I've joined with... God and carefree. Dog and horses. Since then, I've joined in the pits of parenting hell with a three and a half-year-old and a six-month-old. I thought Josh was exaggerating with this age gap, but wow.

This is my eldest. Arthur's saying her names. I'm not sure why he finds Robb's so funny and Josh is sad. I guess it's just the vibe he's getting. Oh, double dig. We hate that. Do you know what?

She's footed her mobile. number. Let's go. You've got a call. You've got beef of her. Because we'll remember, we're not together, so she won't be able to hear me. This is the problem we have on the football podcast. Hello? Hi, is that Stephanie?

It's Josh Ridicum here. Hi, Steph. How are you? You're right. Yeah, not bad, thank you. We've just played out your message. Yeah. So what's so sad about me, Stephanie? Is he there? You found him sad, didn't you?

It's all right. Do you know what? It sounds like you're driving. I am. On the way to the new forest. So I said hello. She loves horses. She can't get enough of horses.

Hello. Have you still got your dog and horses? I don't have horses anymore. I get to be dealing with all that. No, you don't need that in your life, do you? Are you speaking on the phone while you're driving? It's a round speaker. Oh, thank, I think.

I'm not going to like a break. Good, good. And did you choose a time to send this so that you managed to get Michael? I did. I scheduled it. You scheduled it? I didn't wait, yeah. I didn't wait about a year either. I did it on the day. You did it on the day? A 1am.

Not 1 a.m. no. 6 a.m. 6 a.m. Oh, it says at 1.m. I don't know. Oh, yeah. It's sent then, but it's then mindsful. Okay, I see. I see. Well, Stephanie, thank you very much for sending. the show. Did you think when you left your phone number at the bottom that would use it? Just in case. Was there any part of you that thought it was going to be me? Oh, no, no, I mean, yeah, well, it's always, sorry. No, she hoped it was me.

Well, you saw the number come up. No. I didn't think I'd be it lucky. What's her beef with you then, Josh? You're letting her off the hook here. So Rob wants to know what's your issue with me. In the email, it sounded like. So you're hanging your son out to dry?

Okay, fine, fine. Well, have fun in the new forest, Stephanie, and we will speak to you soon. Well, we won't. I look forward to listening now. Yeah, well, you've heard it now. Bye. Bye. That's a weird anecdote she's got there, isn't it?

Very strange. Yeah. Oh, she really crumbled. That was like troll hunting live. All a bit of a laugh on the email, but once she, excuse a pun, confronted the horse's mouth, she loves horses So she's got rid of a horse It's weird how you can sell a horse

But not a dog, isn't it? Yeah, true Isn't it? Like, because like you've got I'm with those horses I sold them If you said I said what you've been up to this week

And you said, We've sold our dogs It would be so That could actually like Get me cancelled That would be headline news Like he sold a dog Yeah, we just

Do you know what? We sold the dogs we then got that long left so we wanted to get some profit out of them before we you know and you know life's got a bit busier so it's a bit of a bit of a pain in the ass sorting them all out so we just sold the dogs horses fine i've just sold my horse good decision actually yeah because they're a bit of a drain on cost and effort it's a good decision you don't even have to walk a horse just have a big field exactly you have to walk you do sort of sort of you ride a horse you know you know anyway yeah but if they're in a field i don't think you have to

ride you don't have to ride a horse it's not like you go that horse needs riding no as long as the field's big enough you don't need to ride a horse i imagine yeah i think so having a horse is that a pet no like what category is it under because because i think a pet i am does a pet need to live in your house good chap good shout good shot not on your land not on your land yeah what is it like a tortoise or something in your garden. Because if you did love your horse and treat it like a pet, the same way you loved your cats, right? Yeah. And you love your horse. Your horse passes away. Do you get the ashes and put it in a giant jar on a shelf? Who was I talking to about this? Literally had this conversation two weeks ago. Franki Datorre? John McRueck? No? That bloc of Love Island, Chris Hughes.

Michael Owen? Jemmer Rowan. I'm going through all my... Do I tell you about my friend bumping into Claire boarding? I'm going through all my horse reference is there. Paddy Power? Sorry, go on. Do I tell you about my friend bumping into Claire boarding? No. I just like, I can't shake your hand.

I've covered in Greece. I've just been fixing jars brandreth's boiler. Come on. It's that a wanking joke. Sorry. It's not a wanking joke. She'd be a grander fixed jars brand of bernarder's boiler. She said it was running so hot.

Why is Claire? Why? Then listen to the next slide. She said it was running so hot you could boil vegetables in a swimming pool. Well, we had that problem in our house where it was going so hot because the thermostat had broken in the tank.

So we had to get a new thermostat. Did you call around Claire Boulding? No, I did actually. No, she wasn't available. I got Sandy Toswig instead. I went like for like. You know what I mean? Yeah.

It's like subbing, you know, Martin Luther for Trossard, that kind of, you know, instinctive pacing winger. It's not a tactical change. We still set up the same way to deal with the issue, but we're just using a different personnel, even though the same tactics are being deployed. Yeah. So, um,

oh dear. So what we're talking about? Yeah, a dead horse. Yeah, go on. So, like, they said to whoever it was, I can't remember who was telling us, do you want the ashes? And it was like, you know,

a hundred kilos of ashes or whatever. It can't be a hundred kilos of ashes. No, but it was like a, you know, How heavy is the ashes of a hawk dead? It would be a load of bins worth of ashes. Do you know what I mean? I feel like we're talking about it's quite disrespectfully because if we were talking about the cats

like we're talking about horses. But again, people sell horses. I know, I know it's awful. No, this is hypothetical. Anyway, apparently the worst thing. I'm just finding out the weight of it. The ashes after the cremation of an average hog's way around 15 to 25 kilograms.

I've got it put in a fucking kettlebell. Well, it's massive as well. Wow, it's massive. You're 25, 25 kilogram dumbbells, and then you could... Just think how light ashes is, Rob. Think how much ashes that is. Yeah, that'll be like your mourning and gains. Yeah, of course, of course.

Of course. Grief and grind, grief and pump. Apparently, this is grim, Rob, but this is countryside chat. Okay. You're not countryside, they're quite close to the city centre, aren't you? No, but my mum was telling me about a dead, when they had a dead horse. Yeah, right. And they come and get it.

Obviously, the horse is so heavy. I have to attach stuff to its feet and then like crane it off. Oh. Because obviously you can't pick up a horse. No. That's one of the most famous sayings. You can pick up a penguin. Have I told you about the dead deer on a sled?

No. Oh, God. So where we live, there's a gate near where our house is to a field that a neighbor owns. Yeah. When we're getting building work, we're parking in front of that gate. But if... It's got to get my lead. I'm still listening.

Your lid. Just to keep my table warm. Right, okay. I'm back. You're back. So when we were getting some building work done, we were parking in front of it because we couldn't park on where we needed to park.

So it was blocking that. But to be fair, my neighbor doesn't get there that often, but there is a guy that hunts deer. Right. He needed to get to. And he messaged me. He went, I need to have access to the field. And I said, I'm really sorry,

but we are, we're like out for the day and we're not going to come back and apologize. I should have moved it. It shouldn't be there. I'm sorry. Well, I'm going to have to get. Sorry, start. start again start i don't understand what's happening why does he get access i'd gone out i'd blocked a i'd

block to i'd block to gate my neighbor's gate and my neighbor gets a deer hunter in now and again right because there's loads of deer and you're allowed to hunt dearly whatever right i don't do this goes on why do you want to hunt deer i don't want to hunt deer oh right i quite like them but it happens doesn't it's the countryside right i've blocked the gate basically and i shouldn't have my fault normally i'm in or someone's in so we move the car so he can drive onto the land that's not hours someone else's right he texts i went we're all out no one's back till later and he goes well i'm gonna have to get the sled out i'm like okay then i just like i don't know even know what that is that like a special i didn't know if that was like a machine that would lift my car i don't go

a fire right is that some sort of special countryside machine that lifts the car so you can get it anyway don't figure anything of it two hours later so that was the next so it was early in the morning we were away because you said can you move it for the morning can you normally text a lot before but i couldn't six a m my ring doorbell goes off like but by movement, right? Yeah. And it's a cold, frosty, foggy day. Yeah.

I just see a man dragging a child snow sledge along with the corpse of a deer on it. Jesus fucking Christ. The countryside is mental, isn't it? That's why America's so mental, because there's so much more space for this weird shit to go on. Yeah. Like, UK's all about the countryside rules.

It's chaos out there. Because my dog's brought in the leg of a deer once. Well, this is something I want to say, right? Get it off your chest. And I grew up in the countryside and I live in Devon, so I'm all right to say these things. You know when people go, I think it's healthy for people to be exposed to this and know the realities of where their food comes from?

I don't. Here he goes. Oh, no, you don't. No. I think it makes you fucking weird. I think if you're overexposed, if you are totally cool with dead animals, It's not like, I don't mean morally, but I mean if you, if it doesn't...

If you can sit through it and doesn't impact you, that you should go on a watch list. Yeah. I don't think that's made you, like, I don't think that's made you a more balanced human if you're putting a deer on a sledge. You shouldn't be able to, well, no, if you're comfortable, you should, I don't think you should be able to vote or go on jury service. No, exactly. You're just taken off the list. Yeah. But that doesn't work, you know, I don't want to go to China to watch a child make my phone.

No, exactly. I just want the phone to arrive in Bolivia. Exactly. In Bolivia? I don't know if that can stay in. Bolivia. No, oblivious. All right.

What do you call the guy that went to Bolivia on holiday? Why mistake? Bolivus. There we go. Here we go. Yeah? A bit fun. A bit of fun.

If you've given it 10 minutes, I might have forgotten where we were going. Yeah, yeah, 100%. That had to be done immediately after to still be deeply poor. but serviceable. Oh, so talk about countryside. You might know this as a countryside person. This is like the countryside special. Two questions.

You should have chatted about this as long as. Well, I think I had these questions after. Right. Actually, I've got three questions about the countryside. Yeah. Question one, baby, I've got obsessive, those baby cucumbers. You know, they're selling the shops. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tiny little cucumbers. It's basically cucumbers without all the wet. So I don't know. answer to this. Is your question, are these a different breed or they just taken early? Yes, that's the question. And I love them. And I've been chomping them like nobody's business. I think they're a different breed because I think if they were taken early, they wouldn't be, because they're actually softer than a normal cucumber, I think. No, they're not. They're fucking crisp, less wet inside. Less wet inside. Also, I think I might be growing the biggest cheese.

There's an incredible amount of water in a cucumber, isn't there? We all know. Oh yeah, it's like 96%. Yeah. I cannot believe a cucumber is 96% water and most of it is green. I know, it's mental. And it's holding yourself together. It's whole. We could take some advice from this guy.

How's he keeping himself together? It's all water. He's 96% water. And she? Let's not let the patriarchy take cucumbers. So if you were thirsty, could you eat a cucumber and you'd be fine? In China, they walk around in really hummage, places just chomping a whole one.

What do you mean? So they sell big long cucumbers that the Chinese tourists walk around just eating as food and a refreshing, rather than drinking loads of water. I think that are the number one vegetable with kids. I don't know many kids that don't like cucumbers. But anyway, I'm obsessed with the baby cucumbers.

They are... Yeah, they're great. They're great. Shall I show my little... I've been eating. Salad dough toast. I don't want to see a baby cucumber. Saladough toast.

marmite, cheddar cheese, a little bit of mail on top and I bite into that and then as I'm eating that I chomp on a baby cucumber. What's a fucking weird thing to say. I love it. Why didn't you just put the baby cucumber? So sorry, you say as you bite into it

so are you kind of putting it in the mouth at the same time one hand of each? No, no, no, no. So I eat the toast with the butter, marmite, cheese and mayo in. Yeah. Sort of one chew. Then I'll take a bite like I'm eating a carrot,

like Roger Rabbit. Yeah. Of the cucumber. And then what I can do is if the cucumber starts going before the sour dough and the cheese is gone, another chomp. Wow. Wow. So I'm having four baby cucumbers with two slices of toast and two cucumber per slice.

Here we go. Get this clip out there. Park our fucking tanks on Gamble and A. Custer's lawn. Second countryside question. Yeah. Where do you buy the fleeces that have the leather ribbed? bits around. Right.

Have you ever been to these places that sell like outdoorsy clothes? No. Oh, right. Oh, Rob. I've been to blacks, trespass. North Face. No, no, no. So they're all on the high street.

Okay. So there'll be placed near you. There's one near us called Mole Valley Farmers, right? Are you bouncing your leg, by the way? Oh, sorry. Oh, no. It's just your camera was wiggling. I didn't what was going on.

Oh, sorry. Earthquake in exit. So you get these places, they're like huge. Do they have wheelbarrows out the front for sale? Warehouses and they'll sell your riding clothes. Yeah. Your wax jackets. And then your fleeces.

Because there's a little leisure wear spin-off almost, isn't there? Yeah. And then they'll maybe sell cheap jeans that you'd wear on the farm. And they'd maybe steal tow cap boots or something. They sell all the stuff that people. in the country wear in these special shops. So there'll be one near you. Maybe you could film a thing where he go to it.

Like Michael Barrymore does his filming where he goes to shop. Well, maybe not like that. But yeah, I could go there and film. But maybe I'll do it. Yeah, because what it is, it's an outfit. He's got five million followers. Michael Barrymore? Yeah, he's blown up.

Wow. Yeah, no, he's big on TikTok. He's got a little battalion greyout. He goes to Barcelona. Have you seen him cook that? burger where it seems like he may, what's the right way to put this, he makes a burger in the way that imagine a teenage stoner would make a burger. Right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, I find that the farmers... So you go to these farm shops and they've got all their special clothes. But it's clothes that they don't

need. It's that some of those clothes they need to farm. These are outfits they wear to tell everyone they are a farmer. Yeah, the other fashion stuff. So it's the stuff... Like the Clarkson's Farmers Choir their outfits. Right. I've never seen Clarkson's Farms Choir. I know you met them last week. Had you seen them before that? Big boots, big strong denim, sort of patterny. Oh, I'll tell you what they'll sell. A padded checked shirts. Yeah. And then that's that julee with the leather ribbed, no sleeves yet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So there's a shop that will be near you because you live in the countryside. Mm. That will be fucking massive. And it will be. smell and it will sell all of that stuff.

Right. I need a day out there. Next time you're up in London, let's go to one. Yeah. And to be honest, and you'll also buy stuff like Bill Tong or something like that. Do you know what I mean? They'll have buckets, just big buckets. Yeah. And it'll smell of like sugar beet. Is that what they call it? And brooms, brooms. Yeah, yeah, brooms. It'll sell brooms. New from Nespresso. Blend wellness into your coffee routine with a coffee plus range infused with functional benefits. Choose the coffee you love with added B vitamins, like coffee plus B12 to help support immune function, and coffee plus B6 to keep your day moving.

Or go with the flow and choose ginseng delight. Our new double espresso with ginseng extract. Whatever lies ahead, don't change your morning. Let your morning change you. Discover Coffee Plus on Nispresso.com. Final question on the countryside before we start to talk about parenting. I've been going on a lot of sort of public footpath walks because I couldn't do any sport for a couple of weeks, right?

Right, okay, yeah. Where like green chain walks, I think they're called circular walks, all this, right? There's loads all over the UK. They're great. Sometimes though, when you're a bit off the beaten path, they're quite narrow. There's a lot of trees and stuff. I was googling buying a portable, electric, sort of chargeable chainsaw.

That little one, about that big. Not to take out trees, but just to lop off a few branches as I move through. Is that allowed? Is it encouraged? Is it discourage? Is it illegal? I think if there was a murder in the area. Yeah.

I think it would be wrong for you not to be brought in for questioning at least. Bare minimum. I'd be a red herring in Broadchurch. Yeah. You know what I mean? I'd be the red herring. in an ITV crime drama. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't think they'd get a conviction, but I certainly think you'd have a terrible 24 hours. In the show, it'd be like, rum, boom! When the silhouette of a man marching through the woods at 6 a.m., and it curts around and to go,

just clearing a path. Hello? So we need to take you down the station for question. But I was just trying to clear the path. Yeah. So I don't know what the rules are with that. I don't know what the rule is on that. Because if you snapped it with your hand, that would be fine, wouldn't it?

Like, we've all broken off a branch or something that's in the way. Do you know what I mean? I don't know if that's allowed either, is it? Well, it's a grey area like taking stones from a beach, isn't it? Like, what's the rule on that? There's a walk I go on, and there is a massive branch being propped up by another branch that at some point it's going to land on someone. Yeah, you could probably.

But if I just had a little chainsaw, I could give it a little nip and a tuck, and we're safe again. So where are you going to stow your chainsaw when you're walking? Right, just get a caribou clip, whatever they're called. Carabot. That's Carabot Cup. What's the carobo? What they're called?

What those are like rock climbing clips? Right. So it'd be hanged, and does it sheat up? I've not really looked at. I'm sure there's a covering for it. Or just hold it handheld. It's a small, it's a small little fella. Someone asks you for directions.

You're just pointing with your... Just out there, as they run away from it at full speed. You can't have the wrong way, mate. so yeah i just i don't know what the rules are on that but there's a couple of little trees i'd love to i don't want to go into some bad observational comedy it's never stopped us before go on you know when you ask that you kind of know the way and you ask someone for directions yeah and you know they've given you the wrong information oh yeah and you just carry on and going yep yeah yeah cool do you then feel like you have to go in the direction they said yes until you're out of eye

shot and then you can just, I don't think people ask anymore. People just use their phones, don't they? I know. Rose's mum's a big asker of directions when we're out. I'll be looking at my map and she'll be like, let's just ask someone. I'm like, we don't need to talk to someone. So I'm

I think I'm having a evolution of that approach. The less I've worked, the sort of happier I am to talk to people. The less happy you are. No, the more happy. So the more I work, and it's just a total, social battery that's draining, I'm more chatty when I work less. And I've actually been a little

bit more chatty when I'm not just hammering my head with reels. Yes. Because I'm trying to wean off of reels, algorithm addiction. So I'm finding it if when I'm not from here, there and everywhere, I've got a little bit more capacity to talk to people. However, as I've got older, I do, I think I'm quite quick at working out if I've got anything in common with that person. So if I, if I'm not into it. I know I need to tap out. So this happened to me, Rob. Mm-hmm. Go on. So I was coming back from the Isle of Man.

No, Isle of Man. Why did we go? Isles are silly. Oars is a silly. Oh, well, not of one aisles, it's in the other Arles, isn't it? Exactly. I love her. What's the bloody deal with the aisle? Why isn't it an island? Stop like that.

You do need to speak to more people. You did a gig last week? We got the boat back, right? Yes, because of the weather. Car was parked at the helicopter place. We'd flown there, and then we got dropped by the boat about a mile from the helicopter place. Cool.

And then it was us, and there was another family that had gone. And the dad of the other family, who's my friend, he has no nerves about talking to strangers in the way he would just happily talk to strangers. Well, in the way of not being shy or enjoys it? If me and you were on a boat And we were worrying about how we're going to get to the heliport We'd probably keep it to ourselves He would say Are you on the helicopter to the person?

Oh, okay, what are you doing about? Do you know what I mean? Right, it would just wander around chatting, yeah. Yeah, and solve a lot of the problems That we wouldn't solve because we don't talk to people Yeah And he said, I've just been speaking to these people And they are being picked up

from the boat, they can drop you to the heliport. Oh. So just you, and then you'll get your car, and then you can come back and you can collect your family. Oh, so you and him can get in the car with them? No, just me, because there wasn't room for him. I'm then going to pick him up with my family. He can get his car, and he can go back and get his family.

Why doesn't he go first? Well, going first is the bonus, because you don't have to stand outside the boat for 20 minutes. Right. But also going first means you have to sit in a car with strangers. But he told me that in front of these people. So is it a bonus on? So has he pretended to do a good thing?

No, he thinks I've done a nice thing here. And he has. Yeah, but he hasn't really, though, is he? Well, in his world, it's fine. Why would I have a problem? It's only a couple of minutes down the road as well. Yeah. So suddenly I'm getting a car with some people I don't know.

Some lovely people, generous strangers. Some lovely people. It was an old couple being picked up by their daughter. Yeah. And then I get in the front and I'm like, thank you for this. And then they drove me to the heliport. Did you tip them? Did you give them a drink?

I didn't tip them. This is not my, this is not my bag being in a stranger's car. No, no, it's not. I would have, I would have, before I was sort of known on the TV, I would have been a bit more fine with that. Yes, yes, totally. But I get a bit anxious and panicky now because I feel like, They know too much about me already. Because also there's a good chance they don't know who I am.

Or give a shit. Or give a shit. Absolutely. Couldn't give a shit or no, yeah. Yeah. So it's not like you can address the situation either. No, I think you can't get in the front with a daughter and go, I know. Insert name here.

You've seen it. Yeah. Let's go. Yeah. Yes, I've done one episode of never mind the buzzcocks. Yes. But we're apprehensive of strangers sometimes because we have been cornered in a pub by the Coke Ed.

So we are overly cautious where most people are absolutely lovely and are chilled and don't care. And these people were lovely. Yeah. But yeah, I couldn't say no. I couldn't say no. Could you not go,

no, you've sorted it out. You go first, mate. It's your friend. Yeah, but it didn't play out like that for some reason. I can't remember why. But it didn't play out like that. But also, it's only a mile up the road.

It's not a lot. It's not like no risk of you getting kidnapped. Did you contemplate asking Rose to go? No, I didn't. Because actually, standing outside the boat was definitely worse. Also, Rose can't drive back. Of course. Of course.

She can't reverse, can't she? Famously. Only forwards. Exactly. Anyway, what the fuck? What's happening now? Sorry, okay. I've got an email.

This is really distracting me. Oh, no. What's happened? So I had to do press for tempting fortune, the reality show on Lancai. Yeah. He said I got bullied by my. monkeys. What?

It's going to be in the mirror tomorrow and the leading story will be about the monkeys on the island. You what, sorry? They're just writing a story about my, the monkeys were bullying me a bit on the island. Yeah, but we covered that in this. Yeah, but it's going to be, well, they asked me at what, I did pay off it and they asked about it. And now in the mirror is going to be a story about me and the monkeys.

So now I imagine I was like a throwaway joke. I'm going to have like the monkey fucking charities on my case saying that they're not bullies. Oh, God. So what was your email? Well, the subject was The Mirror Pictures of Monkeys. What, have they got? Hi, I hope you have a nice weekend.

Someone so has done interview with Rob for the Mirror. The leading story will be about monkeys on the island. I mean, I'm just, I mean, I was supposed to be doing PR for the show. I'm just checking with our pictures team if you have any imagery of them, but it doesn't look like we have it from our asset portal. Would Rob be comfortable sharing a pick or two

he got of the monkeys? Ha ha ha, ha. You've got it. no rise if not i know it's podcast day to understand if he's busy i mean i do that i think i have got pictures of monkeys why don't you really badly photoshop a picture of you and a monkey and send it back and see if they use it well i've got him just on my lap like michael jackson

just your face stuck on the picture of michael jackson bubbles also like has he got a photo of robin the monkeys like not together I might have some fun I might have a photo of like a monkey but not like posing they were chasing me

the little the grey ones but the black ones are quality the black ones are well chilled too late too late mate I'll send you the photo of the black monkey or should I just I'll just put loads of photos of monkeys

on the Instagram rather than give it to the they're the good monkeys you see that monkey right anyway sorry I'm so easy to distracted it's terrible I can't get anything done. No, you go, send that to Danny.

Well, but that's the nice monkey. I don't want people thinking them, the ones that are bully me. Oh, right, yeah. Because it's like... When does Tempting Fortune start? Do a plug. Oh, Tempting Fortune.

Starting in September the 22nd. 20... Tempting Fortune. 22nd, I think. That's all right. Watch on Channel 4.com. Tempting Fortune, Channel 4, September. the 22nd at 9.30 p.m. on Channel 4. There we go. There you go, indeed.

Rob, tomorrow night is the launch of Strictly. The launch show is out. Oh, is that, is out this Saturday then? So tomorrow? Yeah. Oh, right. Okay, right. This is big. Let's stop talking about me and my monkeys, right? And start talking, this is, so, my daughter wants people around to watch it. What would you do? Oh, well, oh, God. Oh, God. This is so hard, because I cannot bear to watch myself back in anything I do, but you can't force that sort of weird reaction on your children who are obviously just doing it in a brilliant celebratory thing. But my view is, and I know this is bad,

if she has lots of friends around, they're not going to watch it. They're going to lose interest. Before you know it, they're upstairs chasing each other. I think you just go with the flow and go, yep, invite people around if you want and we'll have a little watch party. you can stand in the kitchen have a drink or a chat while people are watching it.

Also, it's the pre-recorded launch show. So you're going to look the best you'll look ever because it's not live and everything's been put together brilliantly. And then you can avoid having to have watch parties because you're going to be filming it when it's on anyway. Yeah, of course. Of course. So should I do a watch party?

It's live. So I just think take your medicine, almost do it as like, let me process, watch it. But like try and not react to it as you're watching it. it just exists of something you've done. Oh my God. I feel physically, I feel so nervy. It's so weird. So I think watch it with her, let it be an amazing experience. Let her invite our friends, have fun, and look at it as a sort of challenge to try and detach yourself as Josh the dad from Josh on the TV. So I think it could be really fun to do that. And then you go, this is the real me. This is who I am. That is my television version that's very close to

me, but it's me at work. This is me existing. It's the one in the TV's not the real version. I thought that was, that's the real me. No, no, no, no. You're at home in your safe place. That's the real me, the one that's on TV. You're at home in your safe place.

The real me's up there. Chatsher him for his life. And now I have to sit with all you losers all weekend. Get me to the live show. None of this pre-recorded bonnocks. I want to be there live in the room, feeling the energy. come back through me. Oh my word.

I think it'll be a good opportunity. Are you in on Saturday night, Rob? I am on Saturday night, actually. We'll have it on. Full support mode activated. Does it clash with Forest v Coventry? Let's see what matches are. Let's see what you're up against.

I think Strictly's going to sort of beat the ratings war on Saturday, though. Oh, no, I just meant in your house, Rob. So yeah, that's what I'm doing. Not in Forest Coventry. I'll probably won't watch that. That's where we are. Yeah, I'll definitely be watching. Yeah, I think the plan to deal with it is because...

Have people around. Have people around. Make it a fun experience for your daughter and for you. And then use it as an opportunity. Because when all the press comes out, there'll be good stories, bad stories. Well, I'm not going to read any of that. Exactly. But you don't want your ego to be too blown up and you don't want it to be too deflated.

But if you watch it, except that there are two versions of me, the one that has to go out to work and the one that's home. That doesn't mean that the one on screen isn't been authentic. are, you're being your authentic self there, but you're surrounded by the people you love and all the real stuff's here, and that's just a thing that exists over there. And having that separation... So you're sure that when I'm there, they're not the people I love. Graham, the dog father, Danny Dyer, Nikita, Vito.

That, you've got to accept your truth. Amy Dowden. And if, if... Sarah, Dame Sarah story. But if you want to be... Dave Archon is bad. TV Josh, leave Rose and the kids, move up to London, become a star. Move into Elstree.

Take on another job. I'm also the key holder here. I lock up and I open up. I make sure the rooms are empty. So there we go. That's my Saturday. That's my tomorrow. I feel thrilled and excited because I loved doing the launch show and I'm just excited.

Do you know what? This is a weird thing. beforehand, I was really worried about people's criticism. And then you do it and you go, Now you're worried about the prize. No. But you go, oh, we've done a good job here. Yeah.

We've done a good job. I'm really proud of what we've done. We are good at this. We will get better at it, obviously. Yeah. And then actually, it's a bit like, you know, with stand up, I don't really care about people's criticism because I think I'm good at this, so it's fine. Yeah.

You can do the job. People have opinions, like they doing anything, but you know you can do it. It's up to them if they like it or not, but you can't please everyone. Exactly, Rob, exactly. It's 1998, 2am, and you're playing Championship Manager

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I'm sorry, I love Josh and this, but three presenters, the BBC. Nobody seems to know their role. As if it fucking matters. Right, let's do some emails. Right. next teamer. There's a lot of talk about blue tack, Rob.

Yeah, it was a big topic last week, wasn't it, Blue Tac? I was just listening to the latest episode where you asked if anyone was obsessed with blue tack. It's not really an obsession. However, my oldest daughter, 10 years old, and all her friends love Blu-Tac. And even use it at school as a fidget toy. The school allows them to have it in class. And the other day, the teacher even said to my daughter,

you look like you're finding it really hard to concentrate and you're quite fidgety. Here, I have some blue tack. You know what's really weird? My daughter came home from school on Thursday with loads of BluTac. Here we go. So weird. Gave her BluTac to play within class.

They also buy it for each other as birthday gifts, which is a win for me, so it's only £1 a pack. Not sure if this is BluTac's intention for its use, thanks for the last Hannah, North London. Have I told you, I think I'm psychic? No. I just get a feeling with something,

and then stuff happens. What do you mean? I've never spoke or thought about Blu-Tac. Yeah. And then we did that on Monday. Then my kids come back from school with Bluetooth. Why then? What's that?

Oh my God. I just put my elbows back. That looks weird, doesn't it? Look at my hand. Look at that. Clip that up for socials, Michael. I wouldn't use this as a bit on the last leg. Look at that.

Do you know what? Spotify, if you want to get this podcast visualised, I'm doing a lot of the work here. Because if you're listening to this, you don't realize how good this is. It looks like someone's behind you with your hand. I'll do that again.

I don't know. Shoulders. It's great. Anyway. Sorry. Right. Blue Tack. Yeah.

I know. But you know, what's it called where you, um, you just get these huge coincidences in your life. Like, what's that called, Michael?

Kismas. Serendipity. Serendipity. Yeah. Anyway. Trust. Just trust the universe. Before you know it,

you've got a big handful of blue tuesday. Right, here we go. Hi, just catching up after the six weeks holiday. So listening to the camera on a yoga app where Rob said that one of his girls was charging their iPads and he only had 3% while the other had 80% on the way to the hairdressers. Something I've recently discovered, you can charge from one phone to another using a normal charger. Just put the charger ends into each phone. No. And the battery from the one that's got the most charge will charge the other.

You're welcome. Oh, wow. So you can balance them up. Yeah, but I did this in New York. Did I not tell you about this? No. I went to New York without adapter, got there, 1am, no charge of my phone dying, had to be up early for a call, like my call time. Yeah.

My iPad had 100%. Yeah. Anyway, so I plugged my phone in to my iPad, and it was charging. So I was using the iPad as a power bank, and it charged my phone. What I didn't realize was, when it gets to 51%, it switches back. Yeah, so it's constantly... Yeah, so I woke up in the morning, both dead. Because also, crucially, you could have set an alarm on your iPad.

100%. Yeah. Madness. I was just so chuff of myself. And, yeah, absolutely nightmare. And then I had to go downstairs. It was one of the funky modern ones where you checking yourself on an iPad. It was 4 a.m.

because I was jet lagged. I went down to, can I charge a phone up? He went, you're not allowed to take it out of there. I went, why not? I went, in case someone wants to check in. I was like, mate, there's three others. Let me just get some fucking charge. you. Oh, man. Oh. Right. What's this? Show Josh the internet. This one I genuinely can't watch all these

years later without crying, laughing to the point of annoying my family. It kills me every time. New to the pod this year, but it's a must-sisten every week. Here we go. Okay. I've not seen this either, actually. Me, I might have the Star Wars Legos at Death Star, but can you chug a sparkling water and not burp? Can you chug a sparkling water and not burp? Okay. He's really chugging, isn't he? Oh my gosh. What do I do?

That is good. That is good. That can't be. That's not real. That's fake. That's set up. I'm sorry. That is shit.

Apologies to Rubin who sent that in. That is fake shite. Look at the, why would you ever lead that Gary Jopel like that? He's done that on purpose. Look, I'm not having it. Sorry. No, actually.

Fair enough. It's a no. It's a note from Rob. Yeah, sorry, Ruben, but that was shit. Please don't ever contact us ever again. Thank you. Too harsh? Sorry, Ruben, but I just, I've got a, as I said, I'm psychic,

so I can tell one says fake. That was, that was fake. Have you ever seen the Ice Bucket Challenge fail? What? That is a good clip. Who, which one? Well, I don't know how I find it. Guys, I'll do this while you have a look.

well maybe you get it for next time i mean i'm going to do some research and get some good clips could someone send the one where some person is about to do the ice bucket challenge than the kid appears in the background holding the ice bucket and it's too heavy for them and they tip it over themselves one mistake could someone send that in place if you want that this that is if you want someone i've never seen it i don't ever exist i'm just coming up with a funny scenario i'm getting No, no, I feel bad for Ruben case. Ruben, if you're like 15 or something, and you've sent that in O'Wappy, I apologise.

Rubin, if you're an adult man, I stand by what I said. Josh, I've sent you another one. This is a good one of girls burping after chugging Sprite. Have you seen this? Oh, chugging. All this chugging. This one, if you like a burp after a fizzy drink. Oh, I've seen this one.

This is a classic. Yeah, I've seen. that one. It's good at it. Right, okay. Temporary permanent. Hey guys, something temporary permanent in my house.

When we, me and my then husband and our son and stepdaughter moved into our new house, we used a hair bubble to keep the baby gate downstairs open. That hair bubble outlasted the marriage.

Oh my words. We split up and got divorced in 2021 and the hair bubble finally snapped in 20, 26. Claire Love, North Wales. There we go. Lovely. What a lovely sensible. Do you want another one? Yeah. Cheap me up.

You like that. Well, she's sad. I don't hope she was sad, but you know. That can't be. This one's incredible. Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. Our tumble dryer latch broke. So rather than fix it, we discovered that a random wooden sword the kids had was the exact perfect length to wedge. between the dryer and the opposite drawers and keep the door shut. Temporary fix, we thought.

Except that was two years ago. It's now so normal. The kids actually shout, sorry, I knocked the sword out of place. Scroll down, Josh, you can see a photo of it on the email. Oh, yes, please. This is going on our Instagrams, guys. Nobody questions why there's a sword holding

the tumble dry shut. It's just part of the furniture. Oh, wow. Wow, that is incredible. It's great. That is so much better than you'd anticipate. It is, isn't it? They left the mobile number, sent casually hoping for that call.

I'm not doing a second one this episode. Should I call them? Yeah, go on, Rob. I'll call them. I'll send Hannah. Oh, Hannah, you're going to be annoyed if you don't answer. You said, as casually hoping for that call. Hello?

Oh, hello, Hannah. It's Rob Beckett here from parenting hell. Curious. Yeah, deadly serious. I don't fuck about. Is this a joke? Oh my gosh. Yes. Hannah, we're ringing to say, we absolutely love your wooden sword, temporary fix. Oh, my, I feel like this is actually a dream. This is not true.

It is true, Hannah. Oh, my gosh, this is so exciting. Thank you for sending it in the photo is incredible. And is the sword still in action? Yeah, it's still in action. Absolutely still in action. Are there any plans to fix it? I don't think so at this point. I feel like the children are going to miss it, if I want it.

So, no, the sword remains. The sword rebates. Hannah, thank you so much for sending it in. Do you want to give a shout out to your kids or a husband or anything? Oh, well, the husband maybe. But kids, yeah, so Hugo, Kitt and Hettie. So Hugo's 12. Kit is eight, and Hettys, seven.

And Stephen, my husband, I say. Oh, well, big shout at him. Thanks for sending in. Any questions for me and Josh while you're here, Hannah? Oh, okay. Questions? who, Rebecca, this is something I've been intrigued about for a while. Who's your favourite band?

Because I feel like you come across as if you're this Stone Island kind of geezer guy. But I feel like actually you've got some interesting music choices. Sorry to disheartening you, but it's Oasis all the way. Oh, never mind, I. I'd like to be a bit more deep, but yeah, it's pretty much what you see once you're getting. Okay, sorry. I think like actually have had a better question. No, no, no, it's a fair point.

I enjoyed it. You've always wondered. I do quite like the Smiths. They're a little bit more introspective, but still a bit gisery. I tell you what? I'm quite like... What's she up? Can you all tell me what she's up to? She's just taking this call at one minute's one. Well, I'm still talking about my music, actually, Josh. I'm quite like Laura Marling, actually, Hannah. Do you like Laura Marling? Oh, here we go.

I don't know. I need Laura Marling now. I need to look... Sort of a pretty chilled out, foky kind of vibe. And what are you doing, Hannah, by the way, at the moment? I am Don't panic I'm not asking you to go for a drink Where'd you work

What'd you do? I work for a fostering charity Oh okay Fair enough Are you at work now So you don't want to say social work Okay fair enough It's one of those sort of moralistic jobs

Something like that Yeah pretty smuggle yourself Arthur Making a difference Happy yourself Not really No No Well keep up as amazing thing

Thank you very much Hannah Thank you so much Okay, bye. Cheers, bye. Bye. I like this new feature. I do. I like the fact that Hannah thought I was sort of really deep.

Yeah. But I'm not. She's really... No. I don't know. I'm trying to... If I have to think this hard, then I'm not. No, it's fine.

You've got other levels. I like sad songs. I like sad songs. I cannot lie. I do love a waste of so. Did you cry? Did you consider crying at the documentary? Yeah, when they focused on a fucking Japanese scuba diver rather than Manchester.

based Oasis fans. I can't connect with Japanese scuba divers, okay? I can connect with a nutty little mancunian that's obvious night outside the ground. That's what I wanted more of. I didn't cry that. I cried during the show, though,

when Oasis, I cried at the concert. Are you going again, Rob? I plan to, yes. Have they announced it yet? Is it announced? They will have announced it by the time this goes out. They've kind of announced it, haven't they? They've kind of announced the FETI out and stuff,

haven't they? The full announcement today, isn't it? or Monday when we're recording this. Yeah, but it's kind of happening. And also the Spice Girls I noticed have temptingly put out an Instagram, wrong? No, they're just releasing some singles, I think. Oh, bore off. I know.

Bore off. I don't think a band should be allowed to say, hint at exciting news if it's not a tour or new music. No, 100%. But they've got to do it. They've got to do it. No one gives a fuck about reissues. No, fair enough.

You've said it. You've said it. Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. On the subject of weird food habits, as a young teenager, I used to take the mini-cabri chocolate bars, put them under my armpit until they were molten, then bite a small hole and squirt the milty goodness into my mouth.

Is that from Tony Mowbray? It's a reference to our football and podcast, if you're interested. A football manager obsessed with chocolate. Have a listen. I also used to bite the chocolate coating off a milky way, roll the middle into a ball, then flatten it in the palm of my hand, and polish it on my school trousers before eating. Oh my God.

I think this might be the first person we've had to do an intervention for. Yeah. Stay sector relatable. Ollie, Harrogab are now living in Avoka Beach, New South Wales. Australia. Anyway, Josh, see you next week. No, no, no, no, no. I've put this top on.

This top today, right? This top's supposed to be like a gym top. right? It's making me sweat like a bastard. Is that what they're designed to do to get it out your body? Yeah. Jim tops make you sweat more. It's like football tops. They somehow make you sweat. Is it true? Is that what I thought they helped with sweat? No, football tops are smelly.

Jesus. Sweat like a bastard. See you on Tuesday or Monday if you like football. Hello, welcome to Unical Sequel. Hang on. What did I say? This is, we're not doing an episode, Dave. This is an advert. We're trying to tell people about our podcast.

podcast. We're not introducing them to it. I've still got to mention what the podcast is, right? Well, yeah, but you're not saying hello and welcome to Unequal sequel. Okay. This is the trailer to Unequal sequel. Is that better? Yeah, that's better. It's better, isn't it? But for this episode, this episode, it's called Unequal prequel, just to really introduce people. Yeah, we did change the title. But if you want to listen and you're listening to Parenting Hell now, we've got producer extraordinaire Michael Marden on this week's episode. We do. He's a big film fan. Yeah, well, he's a big film fan. If you're a big film fan, if you're a you're a big fan of Michael, which I'm sure a lot of people listening to this will be,

then join us over on Unequal Sequel. You can hear him talk for like an hour about movies. And they do say he's got a sexy voice, so that's a good reason. Yeah, that's the thing. Go and listen to Unequal Sequel, wherever you find your podcasts.