Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S13 EP28: Katherine Ryan

Episode Date: October 22, 2026

Joining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the comedian Katherine Ryan. Katherine's new book 'First Born Daughter'  is available online and at books shops now. Parenting Hell is available to watch on Spotify every Tuesday and Friday. Please subscribe and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xxx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] Follow us on instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@parentinghell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  (Copyright 2026) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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reward club at 2E.com.uk. Atoll and Abta protected. Hello, this is Parenting Hell with... Callum, can you say Rob Beckett and Blackie? And can you say Josh Whittaker?

What? My husband. Good boy. Yes. Jody Gibb. Why have I said her name? Because it's on the email? No, I said her surname, but...

I don't think she minds being surnamed off. Yeah, also, it's not the same surname that she uses in... I think she's got married. Okay. And she's kept her maiden name email address. I did a thing the other day, and the lady's name was Sandercock. Surname Sandercock. And I did a joke where I said, she'll get a...

divorced and remarried remarry someone called varnish a cock. Really good stuff. Thanks. Did it get much? Nope. Are you sex and relatable boys? This is my two-year-old Callum. Giving your names a good go. Been listening since the start and your podcast has kept me coming through two pregnancies, two postpartums and countless walks to get the boys to sleep.

What's a postpartum? After the baby's been born. Thanks for everything you do. Lots of love. Jodie, husband, Danny and our little boys, Callum and Harry. what is postpartum? I mean, we should know six years in. I know. I know. I thought that's just after you've had the baby.

It's the period after childbirth. So the rest of your life? Period of time immediately following childbirth. And then that's over. Then they can stop fucking banging on about that. Oh, Josh, I've got a crack of a year. Have you?

So I was in the shower. Sorry, is this an old school joke? Shouldn't have eaten that pig. No. I've boomed my nose in the like, a shower and a bit of water got in there. It's just sort of been crackling. I don't like that, yeah. So does it go?

It should go soon. Yeah, it should. Because I had this before. Never. So I had this before, because I can't hear that well out of it, where I basically, and I'm not doing it this time, I basically was just trying to open it with cottons, but that's bad. Then it got an actual infection. So I basically had a thing. I don't know if you've ever had this before.

A doctor just filled my ear full of medicine. Full of medicine. All right. You're five-year-old. Well, no, because it's like a big white cream, but I was facing the other way, and he put it in my ear, so it could have been anything.

But, like, he basically big, like, syringe of, like, it felt like he just filled my entire ear for a pseudacrem. And I was like, all right. And then he went, yeah, we'll come back in a couple of days. I was like, what? He's like, yeah, you just have that in your ear for a few days.

Then he sucked it all out with a machine. Here we go. Not with a big pair of lips and some energy. Should we ask Catherine Ryan what postpartum means? Well, I think she's actually, the way she's banging out kids, I think she will be in that stage. She's constant. So this is Catherine's third, fourth.

I've lost count. I've lost count. I think she's got four now. No, I was going to say appearance on the pod. Third appearance on the pod. Right. And third, four kids. Four kids. Three little ones, one older one. One of the interesting things I want to discuss with her, along with her excellent book, which is first born child. Firstborn daughter. Daughter. Sorry. Patriarchy. Yeah, it's awful. is since we've last spoken to her, Violet has become a bit of a kind of personality,

public personality in her own right. Yes, she was on Holly Willoughby's YouTube channel. But yes, we'll talk about Violet. Yeah, and we'll talk about the fact that she's just seemed to have more kids every time we speak to her. Yeah, I'm looking forward to it. When will it end? When will it end? About 4.15.

When's your old pussy going to shut up, shut up? Sorry. Sorry. Okay. I said, when's your pussy going to shut up shot? Okay, you're going to do that in the pod? I'd ask her, I'll go, first question. When's your pussy going to shut up shut up shut up?

Okay. I look forward to that. Never as an intro may be more excited. This is Catherine Ryan. First question. Catherine, I've got quite a punchy first question that came up, like, in us missing about the intro. Yeah. Go on.

When your pussy going to shut up shop? Ooh, my pussy is shut right up. Shot, my pussy is slam shut. I panicked. I couldn't do it. I felt like it was an offensive first question. No. Because Josh said, what are you going to ask?

What about the accent? When your pussy going to shut up? Shut. Don't do it again. I didn't do it in full beans that I did in the intro. I like the grime. Yeah. Yeah.

No more. No more. No, definitely not. Like. Four and done. I took a pregnancy test yesterday. Because, because. Because, so people will argue with me.

But I think if you're exclusively breastfeeding, if you're breastfeeding a lot, and I mean like every two hours, normally, oh, they get so mad. There are women out there who make breastfeeding their entire personality. Yeah. So get ready to go even more viral than usual. If you're breastfeeding that much. Do you know what? I quite need this. Take some heat off some other areas of my life.

You won't ovulate. There are outliers, of course. But most women, if you're breastfeeding like day a night, day and night, every two hours you won't ovulate because your prolactin is really high, your estrogen has to be really low, you will not ovulate. So you can use breastfeeding as a contraception?

And that's what's going to piss them off. Because there are outliers. So officially no. But for me, yeah. Yes. So, and I know, you know, you've got to know yourself, but I just finished breastfeeding last month. And then, you know, there were trips in Celine Dion, concerts in a wedding in Spain.

You're the third person I've met who went to that Celine Dion concert. Yeah, you've got to take the wives. And they were pregnant after. And exactly that. So how would you, so you've got Violet who's 17? We're just moving on from Celine Dion? No, I'm trying to work out the ages and the breastfeeding. I think that helps.

Well, it's not Violet. No. I know she's not breastfeeding. She's been weaned. But the, the... She exists exclusively on iced coffees and fried chicken. Perfect. She's breastfed by the colonel himself.

That little popcorn chickens. Yeah, yeah. So, how old are he the youngest? Five, three, 11 months. Right, so you breastfed to 11, or 10 months, stopped, went to and Stene Dion, got a bit freaky. Yeah. Thought you're pregnant. And then I realized, oh, my God, I think I might be ovulating, da-la-la.

And I still, well, it was negative, but, oh, God. Yeah, so that's. Are that 100% on their pregnancy test? Yeah, well, you cannot get a false positive, really. You could get a false negative, but I'm not. No. But, and it would be a medical miracle. Like, I'm 43 now.

I think there are. No, but you're in the good run of form. Yeah. Your heat maps. Red hot. You like Cristiano Ronaldo, when will the goals stop going in? I am a lot like him. Yeah, but it's too many.

And you've done very well with two. I like to challenge myself. I think making hard things look easy is kind of a flex. I want to have the stupid car. I want to spoil the package holiday. I can't fly business anymore. Because we can't even reach, even if I could afford to put everyone in like a virgin, Atlantic little, you know, you know the seats.

The light beds, yeah. You can't get to that. Are you doing the split business, the parents in business and the kids? No, no, no, Senida. I couldn't do that. Actually, I was most recently on an easy jet flight, not bragging. Yeah. From a very remote part of Spain where Emily Aetak, friend of the show, had her wedding.

Yes, I saw you, yep. And I flew back and I sat next to two huge fans of the show and they were watching parenting hell on their phone. People do watch it. Yeah, and this is it. And I was like, oh, and I didn't want to say anything. I was going to be like, those are my friends. Yeah, been on their choice. Alumni. But then they mentioned to me like, oh, we like your stuff a little bit too, not as much as Rob and Josh. And I said, oh, what age are your kids? And they had cats. So shout out to Cat Daddy. He's a huge fan. Cat Daddy. Cat Daddy. So who's Cat Daddy? That's him. That's the husband. Oh, the husband? His name's Cat Daddy. What's that face then?

Cat Daddy. I thought he's looking over there. I thought he's looking at someone used to work with Romish. I get confused with someone was looking right at me. Pardon what was that? No, Cat Daddy, so it was a man watching

With his wife. I think you had a reaction to the name Cat Daddy. Yeah, I didn't know. He sounded like a kink. He's your biggest fan. He is? Yeah?

Well, no, I think Cat Daddy feels like it's a gay term for sort of like, I'm thinking sort of like a gay guy that's not skinny, not lean but like soft but slim, a little bit of fuzzy facial hair,

and he licks his own ass. Yeah. It can catch on. He needs a cat daddy. Yeah. I was going to say it's an otter until licks his own ass. And then, yeah, cat daddy. Yeah.

Yeah, but that's the cat part, isn't it? Sorry. Because you get otters. Yeah. Gay guys that like that. Yeah, their otters are sort of beardy and hairy, but slim. Right.

And they're bear, obviously. Bear, yeah. They can't lick their own ass. So talk to what Celine Dion. Oh. Because she could lick. She could lick her own ass at bat. And hairless.

She looks like one of those cats. One of those hairless cats. Yeah, she does. She does, yeah. She's Canadian. Yeah, of course. Fun, absolutely like me. So I had to go.

Bobby, I wasn't sure if I was going to invite him. I got two tickets long ago. And I went, will I drag my husband to this? O2? Paris. Paris. Yeah. The one.

you almost felt pregnant. I know. And I just, we took the Eurostar. We stayed at the George V four seasons, like the one of the most beautiful four seasons. You got to just go all out. Yeah, that's nice. And we enjoyed the concert.

A lot of it was in French. She's wiggling, she's moving and grooving. She's dancing. She's like, she's amazing. But I think, kind of, if you want to go on a budget, because the concert is still on for a while, depending on when this goes out, throughout the autumn. She's still touring.

But just go post up by her hotel. Don't bother getting a ticket, even though I loved the show. She leaves her hotel every day in a new amazing outfit. She's like climbing on vehicles, shaking hands, kissing babies, dancing like she is running amok. And it's the best, it's the best PR ever. I didn't realize Celine Dion was like a laugh. Oh, yeah. This is what Bobby didn't realize.

No, I didn't know that. I presumed she was quite serious about herself. So did Bobby enjoy it? He loved it because he's Canadian as well. He loves, you know, the big anthems that we all know. He leans into being quite Dutch, doesn't he, when it comes to football, which seems a bit of a cheat. Well, tell you what. Because Canada were in the World Cup.

Did he follow them or did he follow the Dutch? The Dutch, well, for obvious reasons. But. Because you're dressed like quite Americana today. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I have a stylist, so I'll be honest. Mother on the, I feel like it's overkill when I'm wearing for parenting.

I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. Okay. We know that you're not back to backing loads of different podcasts.

That's the good thing. Thank you. Yeah. She really tailored it to the show. Yeah, exactly. Being Canadian, it's weird to identify with that. I'll meet British people who are like, I'm half Canadian. And I'm like, what half?

Like, what are you talking about? Because they'd be like, oh, my uncle is from there. I'm like, but he's British and you're British. And I'm essentially Irish and British. Yeah. Just like, we did some evil things over there. But Canada gets good PR, so everyone loves us. They do, don't they?

These are so nice. I'm like, ask the indigenous people. Buckwood maple syrup, with whom I'm currently under a brand contract. Of course, yeah. Chiching. Really delicious. Thank you for mentioning that. And is that sort of your go-to one anyway?

And then it's like two worlds ago. That's a great. Nothing better than that, is there? You was up early this morning, you said. 3.30 today. What? Talk us through your normal routine than are getting up. Is this particularly early?

You guys won't like this. Go on. We sleep in a mega nursery. In a mega nursery? Five of us, yeah. Right. I'm feeling better about my life already. And he's been on the floor for a year and over.

I've been on the floor for a year and a life. Talk us through the mega nursery. What's it looked like? One giant like king bed. I wish. It was that simple, Rob. So we have kind of moved around different rooms of the house, tried different setups. For a while, when we had Fred, we would take turns.

One of us would get a good night sleep in the primary bedroom. One of us would sleep in Fred's room with Fred. And that was quite like egalitarian. Then we had Fenna, a name that it's too late to change. I like it. I like it too. It is Dutch. I like Fenna.

Me too. Fenna Grace. It's a beautiful name. I think so. Yeah. But people think it sounds like a... What surname do they have? Kutstra.

Kutstra. Great. Very Dutch. And she is a little footballer. She's three and she's small, but she will like kick your ass. And she's, what I realize about athletes is they're not afraid. Like I've never wanted to hurt myself to get in the way of a ball or risk. like pulling something.

I've always been like, I don't care where the ball goes. And my son, Fred, is, you know, the same. But Fena Grace. Because Bobby's a good athlete, isn't it? He's an incredible athlete, but he's in his 40s, so he's injured. Yeah, all the time.

And also dealing with this sort of ego death of getting slowly weaker before inevitable death. Aren't we all? That is a common theme for us all. But she will full tilt into a wall, just like in the name of athleticism, Fena Grace. Like if she needs to fight to get a ball or something,

She's amazing. But you have that. Maybe not in sport, but in life. In life, I certainly have that. Yes. So back to the sleep routine that's going to upset you. Then I was with Fennah for a while. Again, a new baby breastfeeding.

So Bobby was in with, yeah. Yeah. Then we had Holland. Another Dutch name. A bit on the nose, that one. Middle name Canada. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was alone with Holland in the primary bedroom for a while.

And Bobby had both the kids in this nursery that I, built. So on the top floor, I've got these alcove beds in the wall. Have you ever seen that? People will be like, what do we do with the loft? And they have these cool beds inside the wall almost. Okay. It's like a bunk beds built into the walls. Kind of. So we had two of those.

Are they sleeping on shelves? No. Just deep shelves. Yeah, yeah. Two deep shelves. But they won't sleep in there. So we have two Super King mattresses on the floor where now 11 months in, it goes, me.

Holland, Fred, Fenna, Bobby. So we're like Charlie in the fucking chocolate factory. Like bookending these kids in the mega nursery. The mega nursery? Yeah. Bobbi's in there.

It's everyone except Violet? Yes. So what does Violet make of it all? I mean, she just thinks we're nuts. She's been against the like breeding program from the star. Yeah. But she doesn't care. Like this is why it's really important

to treasure your small on ones and as like wanky as it sounds you're tired and mine don't even sleep through the night fred and fenna most nights will sleep through but holland absolutely not like every hour and a half is it because there's 11 people in the room probably yeah yeah they're like um but violet's 17 and we don't even we rarely hear from her she doesn't care where we are she like runs the house we're up in the mega nursery because i'm on the floor yep like the actual floor or you've got a mattress we've got a mattress but this is only recent he was sleeping on the at the top a mattress top a mattress top a on the floor I didn't realize I just thought it was I thought

it was a futon so but now I've got a mattress smear my daughter on the floor and then rose and my son in the bed because we're having the house done oh fine but but that has been going on a year and a half yeah but that was happening before at the old house as well wasn't it oh no I'm including that in the year and the half really yeah you've moved yeah so he's only six months and maybe two years. Yeah. Yeah. But then I think

Catherine's accepted that she's got this mega nursery that people may or may not agree with and whatever if it's working for you sounds like it isn't because they're not sleeping

but that's fine. But you're, I feel like you are hiding behind the, we're renovated, we're renovated. But I feel like that

once it's all renovated there'll still be this nursery set up. I don't hate it. Yeah. I don't hate everyone in the same room. I like it.

It feels nice, doesn't it? Yeah. It does. And so many societies have done that since the beginning of time. We're the only mammal that would put our young, like, not in the nest.

Just be like, good luck in a separate room. It is weird in Western culture. Yeah, you weird, Rob. Yeah, sorry for being absolutely insight. Yeah. But, depends on. But to be fair, our youngest comes and still gets into bed of them. We don't send them away.

We never send them away. If they want to get into bed, but we offer them go, we'll put you into your own bed. If they're really upset and they don't want or you never would. But they've always been quite happy to. But they wake up in the night. Yeah. They're in separate bedrooms.

How are they? Yeah, they've got their own rooms. A lot of sisters refuse to do that. Yeah, one of them is like, we'll sleep anyway. It's like an actual cat where one's a bit more like, I've woke up, I've had a bad drink and I get in. Not the best podcast to compare someone to a cat on. Oh, not after this one.

Nobody made that callback at all. That was very respectful. Yeah, when it is a child, you can't, we can't possibly do those callbacks. We've really grown. But I think a lot of people who are anti-co-sleeping, they come. go sleep and they don't realize it because it will be that arrangement. They'll go, well, we put them to bed. Because that's what Bobby and I do.

We put them to bed. We lay with them. We pretend to sleep. Sometimes we do fall asleep. Then we go and clean the kitchen, put the laundry on, try to eat something, try to watch something together. And then we rejoin them. But a lot of people's kids have come in by then anyway, by midnight. And they're like, I would never co-sleep. It's like, well, you do.

Yeah, you're doing it just later on. But no, I'm not anti-co-sleeping at all. It's only our eldest, who we had to do cry out with, which we did. We did not want to do it. I was anti that. But we tried everything. And this child, honestly, would not sleep at all. And then we did it.

We were our wits end because it was like, even in the bed with us, just not sleeping crying. We did it. And it was one night of her crying and basically realized, she basically realized, which sounds bleak, no one was coming. Yeah. And then she has slept perfectly for the last 12 years. And then we, you know, with our other child's a bit more comes in a night. But, yeah, I'm not anti-co-sieving, but a lot of people do it, I think. You do have to prioritize your mental health.

And like I even crashed out on the baby two nights ago Because and Violet that's when you do hear from Violet If she hears me getting upset She pops her head and not to help but just to be like Are you okay slow down? Like what are you doing? Why are you yelling at a baby? Just with judgment if Violet feels like she can like throw shade She's your Brad Pitt in Fight Club She really?

But the baby like vomited because she was angry Not scared not sad I just put her in her cot which the kids don't even They're like what is this apparatus? We have. have one cot that we keep in the primary bedroom from like just just like hopes and dreams from six years ago and I stood her in it right next to us because I needed to help Fred and she started to walk so I can't just put her down she'll like fall down the stairs so I just sat her in there I was this closer to her than I am to you and she got so angry that I wasn't picking

her up that she just projectile vomited all over the bench room and I was like that's it but it's like take a good look at yourself yelling at a baby I'm like yeah but it's totally you got three under we had three under four

for one of the first ball mate it's a lot that's tough do you feel any sort of you see some calm waters approaching yes oh my gosh the switch in mindset for women

I don't know about you do dads have this did you know you were done when you were done or do you keep the door open for like oh maybe what more kids the door

It's not open now, but I think if we'd been younger, we'd have liked three. But by the time we had our second one, I was probably, we were probably 41. Do you know what I mean? Well, the door was open up until about a three and a half year gap. But then when it got too long, we were like, oh, it feels like we're sort of parenting two separate generations, which you were at the beginning of your second batch anyway. 100%. So it didn't impact you too much. Is that okay?

Second batch. It feels very ejaculate-based. The second batch. These are my second batch. But for me, I knew, I kind of knew after Fred and Fennett that I wanted one more. And then when we had Holland, I just started giving stuff away. I started thinking about the future, which I hadn't done. I'd been just in very late.

So you've basically had a child under 10 for 17 years. Forever. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, but now I just think, like I just leased an office in central London. I'm just making plans for myself. Like, it feels like I love, I love being a mom. Everybody knows that about me.

You don't need to. I'm this bitch, but then I work as a top, but I live as a bottom. We know, we've known you for years. You're one of the kindest, most emotional and caring people. There you go, and I mean that. You are one of the proper will back people up. You look after who. you care for people.

And this is you as well with this, your comedy persona. But deep down, you are a very loving caring person. And I love babies, but I'm really excited. It's done. So I have an appointment to get my breast implants out next month, had a facelift. I brought an eight-week-old baby to my facelift. They said it's the first time they've ever seen that.

And I think that everything said out loud to me as a compliment. So I was like, thank you. And the nurse was like, no, not thank you. So you had a facelift. When did you have a facelift? Holland was eight weeks old. Eight weeks. It's a great face.

left. Thanks. Your skin is so good as well isn't it? Yeah. Well that is a lifetime of sun avoidance but and breasts what you're having what's having? So I've had implants since before I ever met. Well Gavin said something to be a breast and then I started asking the question again and then I feel awkward. No you're fine to ask. I don't know about these hands either. Okay they're not you're not you're having a breast so there. Go on look pull that in there that there that like that that you're off but it's related to the show. Yeah of course because you know you know I have to declare myself accustomed as dairy produce at this point. I've been breastfeeding so long, like a lot of damage has happened.

So before I ever met you guys, I had breast implants because I'm from a toxic generation in Canada. We were all getting breast implants when we were like 21, 22. And I feel that's very emblematic of the late 90s, like a lower back tattoo. Yeah. It's a real nice. A Chinese tattoo, a bit really. Yeah.

A moment in time. I don't like it. So they're coming out. Out. And I'm not even replacing them, which would surprise people about me, maybe. but I just want like boy nipple. Boy nipple. Yeah, like small.

Well, how will an implant infect your nipples? Like, all I want is nipple. I don't even want like breasts. You don't know breasts, you just want nipples. Yeah, I want, like, you know, I don't know if men do this. You know, like, fashion tits versus like ladsmags tits. Yeah. What are fashion tits?

Like Kendall Jenner, for example, can wear anything. Oh, well, that sort of, and it just hangs on them and they're just fashion tits. Yeah. post a big massive. Thank you. I'm doing their hands again. Jugs. Jugs.

I don't want jugs. You don't want jugs. You want fashion tits. Fashion tits is next for me. Yeah. So you don't want as much volume there. You want it just. Thank you.

Got you. Excuse me. He's talking the surgery lingo. Yeah. Less volume. Turn down the volume. Are you doing anything with the nipples? Or they just stand as they were.

I did think of getting. Do you want them? That was a weird. Yeah, what you do with them after? No. I did. Are they, are they, it's just too many questions? No.

No. My nipples have held up. They're fine. But I did think, I saw, I don't know where I saw this. A girl had tattooed her nipples like hearts, which kind of looked like a care bear. Oh, I don't know about tattooed heart nips. I kind of thought that was cool for a bit. Yeah. But I've gone off it. Yeah, thank God.

Yeah. No, because I think it undermines your fashion tits. Thank you. If you want to be on Vogue and then like it's a bit like a seafood dress and there's a heart, it's like, oh no, no. We can't take it seriously. No. Thank you. We can't take that lady with her heart nipples out. Seriously. They're around. Boardroom. Yeah. Shades a boardroom. Yeah. So you've got plans then. Big plans.

Yeah. And like some of it is about... You've got an office. You've got fashion tits. This is where you're going. These are my priorities, Josh. Yeah. Some of it is about like because there is, as we learned in your wife's formidable book, lessons from the default parent. There is this identity crisis, I think, that happens with everyone when they become parents. And that is like not gender. specific, but certainly for moms, certainly for co-sleeping, breastfeeding, like very attachment parent moms who've been pregnant. I've been pregnant six times in five years. I've only had three kids. I changed my mind a few times. No, I just, because we're old, we did have miscarriages, which I'm fine talking about.

But such a bad delivery of it. Sorry. Well, how else do you say? I know, of it's part of life. It really is part of like having a family. But like, part of me. really wanted to do that physical stuff which sounds silly but I recognize myself in the mirror a bit again I'm like oh that's good that's good you're not just

someone's mom because I got fat let's be honest I got quite fat you didn't get fat I don't remember that okay guys come on people are not gonna respect you if you can't I think that shape's sailed between pregnancies or when you were pregnant when I was pregnant but I don't that that doesn't count yeah because I got specifically fat in the face no but that doesn't count that but that's that you didn't get fat, your body was being used to create a baby. I get that, but I was on television. Yeah. It's a thing. You would see if dads, well, dads, I suppose, do get fat. There's the phenomenon of the dad bod. There is a study that it's like this sympathetic weight thing. Yeah, I don't

know whether I buy that. No, all right. Yeah, but I, you know, I personally are not a massive fan of like, you know the idea of a man was like ripped six-pack like a feet a woman absolutely ripped to pieces and shredded not really my my bag the same way as I think most women don't really like completely ripped men no I know and that's why we haven't tried no exactly I mean I can't be this charismatic caring and handsome and writ yeah you guys were ripped it just be my tiny dick but I'd be honest I don't know when all of these episodes have gone out but we were both drooling over Matt Willis's fit body oh he's outrageous I was he getting it out. No, he just sat there just like a normal guy, but you can see it. You know when someone sort of tucks in their shirt, but there's not sort of little fat bits popping up the side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, are we doing in your office?

I put a big portrait of Matt Willis up. Yeah, of course. Well, it's weird. Did you write your book in there? No, I just got it. I move in like next week. Let's talk about the book. Okay.

Good link. Oh, yeah, I forgot to promote the book. Sorry, wow. Firstborn daughter. It's not all ass licking. No. No. Boo. Firstborn daughter is my new book.

Yeah. And so this, we really should have been better at, like, linking into that. Because if ever there's, normally it's quite a gear change into the book when we're doing this podcast. But here, we're talking parenting here. Actually, I thought I did pretty well. You did. You did. So why are you having to go now?

Well, then we just kind of, you know. It fell away. Yeah, fell away. Got the old chop, chop, edit, aren't you? I'm the one who ruined it, Rob. No. Do you write a new book in there? No.

I mean, yes. No, you can't lie. Yes. I wrote my new book, Firstborn Daughter, and my new office. And it's about you being firstborn daughter, Violet being firstborn daughter. Well, actually, it's kind of just a comedy memoir over the last five or six years because they were like, would you like to write another memoir? I said, I don't know if a lot of us happened for a memoir in that time.

But then I started to notice on tour. It was like a throwaway question at one of my gigs that I said, is anyone else a firstborn daughter? Because I'm a firstborn granddaughter, firstborn niece, firstborn daughter. And like, every woman put their hand out. I was like, everyone. It was a gig in China. No, it was, I was like, everyone's a firstborn daughter.

And there are these personality archetypes, if you go through birth order theory and all these different psychoanalysis. Like, I've done some rigorous research on Mumsnet, you know, TikTok, Instagram Reels. It's kind of a thing, a trend at the minute to talk about being an eldest daughter. So what would be a firstborn daughter describe? We are very competent and very resilient and very headstrong, but we've also had to pick up a lot for the family. There's parentification from a young age where like you are looking after your siblings. You're reminding your parents that having like a marital dispute at parents evening is maybe not the best thing. You're picking up a lot around the house. You're like a little mini

mom. But also you can read the room really well. Your parents were learning how to be parents for the first time when you were born. And they've done these studies with sons and daughters. And a lot of these traits get passed on to daughters but not sons. So we still raise people. Yeah. So it's like a lot of that psychoanalysis, but just looking at my last five years through that lens and some celebrity firstborn daughters. Okay. It's not all good either. Like we do, but we argue with experts. Like we have problems as well. Who are first born daughters, celebrity wise? Every female stand up, Amy Schumer, Michelle Wolfe, Wanda Sykes, Ashling B, Sarah Pascoe, Rochene Conady, Taylor Tomlinson, Nikki Glazer. Like every stand-up comedian happens to be a first

born daughter, which is weird. Oh wow, that's interesting. Katie Price, Gemma Collins, Olivia Atwood, Maya, JAMA, not Celine Dionne. Celine Dionne's the youngest of 14. What? Yeah, wild life. Jesus.

No wonder she's desperate for the attention out on the cars. Remember I'm still here. Yeah. She's the 14th. Youngest of 14, Celine. Youngest of 14, fair play. Kate Moss is a firstborn daughter. Like, there's so many that would impress you, and I forget them all.

Like hundreds of. Did you talk to Violet or write about Violet in it and that kind of stuff? Yes. So I was raised by a firstborn daughter. I talk about my mom and a lot of the ways that, because firstborn daughter doesn't have to be always like me. Yeah. Sometimes you're a martyr or you're the diplomat or you feel invisible.

Like you take on these different rules that are outlined and all this stuff I read. But I'm also raising a firstborn daughter and she is my favorite child, which is probably the most rage-bait thing that I say in the book. But I think it's important when I've gone and had this whole. other batch as you describe my kids without her. It's like, no, she, she really holds like a special place. I think you do have a favorite sometimes. And I just don't mind saying it because the others are too young to read. But also as well, you know, I knew you that period. You, when we were starting out, we had no money, no access. You didn't, you were alone in the city away from your

family and you took her to gigs. And she saw you rise up and she was with you that whole time and was sort of made it, you know, harder in a way, but also was someone to look after you had responsibilities. And it's an incredible journey that you did with her that now the rest of the batch, the new batch, are sort of enjoying the success you guys got together. Really, it was almost like a doublet going through because you're always together. She was always around. And so she's quite, I wouldn't say she's parentified, but like, I never made her look after anyone else that didn't have anyone else. But she's very adult in that like she grew up around all these really smart, funny, cool comedians.

Like, she had a different experience, certainly. But also she had hardships that my kids don't have now. So I do have, like, a survivor's loyalty to Violet. Yeah. You know, I think our love is bigger and older. Like, she knows a part of me that even my husband wasn't around for. Like, she, yeah. Because in most families, you have your experience as a child,

and then you have your children's experience of being children. But you're almost living through three different things of, You know, because your experience with your experience, but a violent experience with you, is totally different to what you had growing up and now what your new, you know, the younger kids have got. It's a mad to have three versions of before. I was really lucky, actually.

And that's why I tried to big up single moms too in some of the stuff that I write in my work because it was such a unique life experience to be a single mom. And it was hard sometimes, but I was so lucky that I didn't have to share her with anybody. And I knew, like, I knew where I stood all the time. especially as a firstborn daughter, I love that. It's kind of hard for me to be married.

Even though Bobby's really helpful and he does a lot, I'm like, well, who's doing this today? I would many times rather just do it all myself. I'm not very good at asking for help. I really suck at collaborating. Like, I still struggle in a marriage with a very nice, helpful man. What are you doing here? I'm doing this. Yeah, yeah.

And then she has a chapter that she wrote for the audiobook. Yeah. But my mom was quite invisible growing up. up and then she raised me to take up space and I think she overcorrected slightly on that and then violet is extremely bounderied so you know the katherine ryan on stage like in the beginning that you got to know that i was like don't do this and blah blah blah violet is that way in real life i think she's maybe too boundered she clocks people i've got like golden retriever energy in a romantic relationship and she's pure black cat energy not to bring it back to cats but she's just

She drops people. She's a fucking savage. I really like it. This episode is brought to you by Morrison's. Josh, Halloween has never been bigger. What's going on? Rob, it is massive now. When I was a kid, barely anyone went trick-or-treating.

There's people trick-or-treating everywhere. There's pumpkins outside houses, Rob. People having Halloween parties. Oh, my word, it never ends. It gets bigger every year. Do you know what I like? A box with a button says, press that. And now it comes a little hand.

Parents have to make it fun, right? Mm-hmm. But you are putting the work in, right? But it doesn't have to be scary, Rob. In fact, just head to Morrison's. First off, it ain't Halloween without a pumpkin, is it, my friend? No. They have British-grown pumpkins from 39P.

Absolute bargain. And on Market Street, there's Halloween, Woodfired and Crispy. Chicken pizza, butcher countermeats and... Yeah. The in-store bakery spooky treats, Rob. Sounds delicious, Josh. And kids costumes from just eight quid. That is terrifyingly.

good value. Tell me about the treats, Josh. Toffee apples. Classic. Chocolate with sprinkles. Chocolate milk and salted caramel. White chocolate with marshmallow. All to 65p with your more card rob. So there you have it. If organising Halloween has put the heby-jeebies up you. You know where to go. Make Halloween easy

this year with Morrison's head in store or online for all your party essentials, treats and the freshest Halloween deals. And she is starting to form her own Maria, how's that as a parent to watch that happen? You just have to, because I kept her off social media for a long time as well, and then they get to an age where they start to ask you about that.

And now she's got very popular TikTok, and she goes to musical theater school, and she auditions a little bit. But she's, I have to make sure that I don't put my two cents in. So she'll, like, read lines with me sometimes, though I'm mostly fired from that. But if she really has to do an audition, let me be the other person. And I can't, like, give it anything. I have to just be like, yes. And then I went to the store because if I start giving notes or like putting on an accent, I'm out. I'm fired. Yeah, so I'm really hands off, actually. I don't involve myself

at all. I'm trying to be cool. How do you feel if she said, I'm going to do stand up? I think, go. I mean, I don't know how someone does that now. We did it. We get to like go out to the clubs and how do you do stand up now if you're starting on TikTok, I guess. Yeah. Yeah, I know I would love it. Whatever she wants to do. You still just have to go to the clubs and then build up because it doesn't matter if you get following on TikTok. If you don't know how to do it, you've just got to learn.

All right, granddad. Yeah. But it must be harder to do the clubs for them. There's still clubs, isn't it? I don't know. I'll go to a few. I don't know. We're so out of touch.

It's bad, isn't it? No. It's not. If we were, you know, we need to be out of the way so the new lock can come through. You don't know if they're going up the stage time. Other people won't be able to learn. Yeah. God have a great guy.

Shit. Sometimes I just forget. You really have grown into a wonderful man. Wonderful or lazy? Which is it? Bit of both. No, good birth-life balance, actually. Thanks to the listeners for giving Rob that opportunity to be lazy.

Thanks, guys. It really appreciates it. Do you want to ask about golf and Bobby? Well, yeah, how do you feel about it? Because I'm getting into golf. Bobby's obviously great at golf. He plays quite a lot. He's wonderful at golf.

How often does he play? Well, he was playing about three times a week. Till I have material about that. And then he was like, I don't play three times. and then he had to cut it back so that I was wrong. Right. And how do you feel about him playing three times a week? I mean, I think it takes a special kind of dickhead to have a five-hour hobby, I think, with small kids.

No, it's mad because, you know, that is three whole days, essentially. It is three whole days. Have a week. Yeah. And, you know. How often do you play? I'll play once or twice a week, probably, and I do it in the week when the kids are in school. I think that's key.

I think weekend golf is a piss take if you've got kids. Thank you. And less, but if Luke goes, oh, the kids have got birthday parties, I'm going to Blue Water with them from like 11 till 4, I will go, oh, do me to do that? And she'll go, no, I'm going to go because I'm eating a friend for lunch. I'll then book it in. Yeah.

Because, but I wait for those opportunities. God, you're a great guy. God, I'm a fucking great guy. You're a great guy. Like, truth be told, I don't know, I would let you guys golf as much as you wanted. Yeah. And I would be home, home, home, home, home, cozy in my chair. I'd be booking the brunches.

I'd be saving family money. some like fake charities I would be I think I'd be a great housewife do you is that the dream would you not be really bored no because aren't you driven to do stuff I would do stuff but I like the mortgage wouldn't depend on me doing it right well what's Bobby's job but it he doesn't work at the moment does he no what was his job before he stopped working he worked in um he worked he was an account manager at like an engineering company yeah that I don't know I don't understand even you know it's so funny my dad owns a an engineering company and I don't know what it means.

I don't know what Bobby's job was. I'm not interested in my dad or my husband. And then you do a bit less? Maybe. I think, I don't know if he wants to. And then he sold cars for a bit, which is cool. So he still likes cars. But then he was a professional American football player, but not in America, in Italy. So then they get very injured.

So I think because he's come to this country, starting over here would be like very difficult. Plus, it's that thing of, you know, without being crass, you can earn quite a lot quite quickly compared to what Bobby's thought. If you're starting in a new job. I mean, is there a massive demand for American football players in London that we've experienced with playing in Italy? It's getting bigger over here. It's a niche CV, though, isn't it? Well, I'll tell you what, if he coached at the school, I think we get a little discount on the fees. Okay. I think we would. Going that way. But also, he does a little bit of broadcasting. We had a reality show for a while.

He's very good actually. Bobby's very funny. He's a different kind of funny to you guys. You get him on the Channel 5 NFL coverage. He's been on that. Yeah. There we go. There we go. Bobby's very like. Dermit O'Leary's show on the Sunday night. Has he done that one? Yes. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There we go. So Bobby's great. And I do love being married, but it's just like

it's weird. It's funny that I find it strange to raise kids with someone. It's like easier to do it by myself because he'll feed, I'll tell you this. Yep. To get your listeners riled up after a little lull in the program. He feeds them sausages, which I'm vehemently against. Why? Why?

Because they're a group one carcinogen. It's basically like giving them cigarettes. Is it? Oh, God. I think so. Because of the way they're cooked or because of what's in them? What's in them? Right.

And probably the way they're cooked is not great. Oh, God, he's got them out on the grill. I put my mouth roaring and light the end. There you go. There you go. So sausages. Yep. Bad.

Feed some sausages. He's very gentle parent. Okay. Which is fine to a point. But they're at the age now where I would show them a bit more disciplined, but I don't want to be the bad guy. So like neither one of us wants to be the bad guy. So you're joining in with his gentleness?

Well, I'm not. But if I say no, but daddy's going to say yes, what's the point of saying no? And because I'm kind of the daddy because I go to work. Yeah. He can't just be like the favorite. Usually, like, if a mom stays home, dad can be fun. Dad can swoop in and say yes,

but then they do behave for mom because mom has to be a hard ass because she's at home, right? But Bobby is home with them, but he's the nice guy. Right. So when you come back now, he's like, who's this person coming out being mean? Thank you. And so what happens if, say, you're...

She's taking our sausages away. Hide the sausages, kids. She's coming. We've been playing too much hide the sausage in our house. That's how I got into this mess. So when you're on tour, does it become badlam? Well, I don't tour the same way. Like, I don't go for days.

So I'm back and forth and back and front. I'm very, like, climate unfriendly. Rob's got an idea for his tour, haven't you? Because you don't want to do a traditional tour. Matanay Man. Can I tell you thank you for the matinees? Who's been doing matinees? Did you start that?

Or did Jason Manford do some matinees? A lot of people do matinees. They are good. They are coming. They didn't used to exist to stand up around five years ago. They're great. The crowd love it. Do it.

I think they're better than the evening. Yeah. Especially for our, you know, we're not the young rock and roll comics. Oh, God, bloody hell, grande. What's going through your head today? You're obsessed with not being young. I'm not, I'm accepted. And you're really, really talking about something.

Did you see the viral clip of Jamie Lee Curtis talking about matinees? She was like, Neil Young, do a matinee, cold play, do a matinee. 2 p.m., New York Theatre Time. Yeah. I will be there. Yes. We cannot. Did she say my name as well? Rob Beckett, Matinee.

Well, you wouldn't need to because you do do Matanais. I do it already. Thank you, Rob Beckett. Yeah, thank you. Neil Young, ring Rob Beckett. Yeah. No, thank you. Yeah, I think matinees is the way forward. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Yeah. What day would you, but the problem with matinees is you can't do weekdays. Friday you can. No one works anymore. A lot of people are flexible and working from home. So, you know, when AI comes in, if no one's working, come and says a show. Can't afford it. There you go.

There'll be on Only fans, earning cash. Oh, yeah, of course. Talk to me about your skin care regime. It's so good. So I've started seeing a skin specialist. Have you? But I think the difference is I think you're having treatment to your skin. Catherine buys new sets.

Yeah, I just get new skin. New skin? I'm running a pyramid scheme. Basically, I'm doing vampire facials with placenta blood from the children that I harvest. I'm drinking my own breast milk. This is what's been going on right in front of us all the time. So basically, guys, in 2024, all these 35-year-old actresses, started looking amazing. Did you notice that?

Scarley Hanson? She's a bit older than 35. Like I would say, not to say I have any information, I don't know, who's had a facelift and who has it. I love to address it part. But like Anne Hathaway, Lindsay Lowen. Look great. Yes. Justina Aguilera. I just assumed Lindsay Lohan, to be fair, I'd made some lifestyle changes. And that is playing the long game. Right. It is so good to be like, well, I just got clean and I should have thought of that one.

Yes. And then I could have lied about my facelift. But I've realized these women we're not doing ice baths or whatever it is. No. Do you know when like the 2004 Indian ocean tsunamis happened? Of course. All these elephants screamed and ran for higher ground. That's like me, but with facelifts. It's like my sixth sense.

Like I know, I know. If someone's had one. When something's happening. Got you. Are the elephants predicted the... Yes. Oh wow. So madly.

They're probably about to survive it. Just trunk up. No need to drive. Have anyone there? They can just hunker down quite sadly. Trunker down. That little snorkel. Yeah.

Yeah. So I kind of thought... Give me a bit of room on the mountain now. Come on, mate. So then, I just thought, well, what's going on? Because this is when I was pregnant all the time. My neck was just, like, getting fat. And I thought, I think I'm going to need a facelift.

I think I'm going to need to do this. So I did that. But in addition to that, my skin care routine is basically just, I've stayed out of the sun my whole life. Yeah. And I don't know. It's, you don't want. We do, let's break it down.

Stayed out of the scum. Yeah, we got it. Pathological sun avoidance. Yep. Yeah. For life. Also, my face is always like very moisturized and clean. I use like an acid at night, either like an azalec or like retinoid acid.

I love tachia. Do a little vitamin C sometimes. But right now, and this is part of me like pulling it back. Implants. Gone. Fashion tits. Neck. Gone.

Fashion tits. But no Botox or fillers. I haven't had Botox or fillers in. ages and ages at all. Oh, here we go. So your skin has like, you have skin quality and skin elasticity. So the quality of my skin has always been all right. Because of the sun mainly, you think?

Yeah, and then the elasticity. Is this being getting a little hoist? Yeah. Got you. Here we go. So faces that does all that as well, not just neck? Up to like here. Ah. But I kind of want to... Would you, Rob? I think the way my mouth is, I need a little bit of

character around the edges. If everything else was stationary and that was on the go. Yeah, it's too much attention. I think glasses have done you a real favour. Glasses and a beard's got me out of a big, big old. Beards are so great for men. They are great.

I wish I could grow one. Any bone structure you want. You can grow a beard. You can look good for stubble. No, it's patchy. No, it's not. It is really patchy. I like that you're doing the strictly

facial treatments now, though. That's exciting. This was pretty strictly. It's because someone made a comment about how pink my face was. Who? Like a fan. Michael. No.

Michael did. He said, We're struggling to grade the videos. If we want to make the leap to video, sort that fucking head out. And I said, that's a bit much, Michael. And Michael said, tell that to your bank account.

We're not getting the clicks. We can't get any more adverts because it looks like you're lying because you're so red. You guys have beautiful skin. Thank you. Should we have the final question, Rob? I think we've asked you this before,

but we don't need to do it. Should we just plug the book again? First born daughter. Available. When? October 22nd as an audiobook. Oh, you're going late. Hard copy, yeah. You're hitting them late for the Christmas run.

That's it. It's a great Christmas present. You can self-diagnose. Do you know what? You can understand your wife. You can understand the first one died of your life. Or you could just listen to it as a comedy memoir, because that's mostly what it is.

Yeah. Brilliant. Oh. Are you going to do in your office? Well, right now I'm decorating it, like, really beautiful, beautifully. And I'm going to start filming the podcast in there. Good.

Look at this. Wonderful. I'm kind of firstborn daughtering. My podcast, I produce it, I cut it, I publish it. I feel that's why it's so shit. Do you cut it as well? And I'm going to keep doing that. They're like, would you want to hire someone gathering?

No, no, no. Now I'm also a landlord of my office. So I'm just going to start doing it more shit at a higher level of shit. That's what we said. We want more of your shit. Thank you. Although we did have to get my skin done. Was it? No, your skin was great, but if you look good, but if you wanted a bit less red, how do they make it less red?

Well, you got, makeup, like, just put makeup up. No, he's got, makeup free. He's having a gun on his head. This is my makeup free selfie? You look gorgeous. Thank you, God. Yeah, he's having a bit of a glow up. Yeah, yeah.

It's got a little sexy grin. So have you. No, mine's, I'm sort of plateauing. No, I need to get on me again. I wouldn't say that, Rob. You guys, Cat Daddy was enjoying you guys as a visual media. Was he? Oh, yes.

I bet he was. Yeah. Oh, okay. Daddy. Hi cat daddy. Anyway. Are you done? Do you want to do that down the barrel? Well that, how many paws at cats like got three in it? Three or four.

You like it, don't you? Firstborn daughter. You're enjoying this? November, October the 22nd. October the 22nd. Thanks for coming on. Loved it. Bye.

Thank you for having me on. A joy. I've got a question from Catherine. Yeah, well, it's too late now. Oh, is this the outro? Yeah. Great chat, weren't it? It was really good, wasn't it?

Really good chat. Really enjoyed that. Good laughs. Learned a lot. She's funny, she's great. She's got a book out? She's great. She's got a book out.

Read it. Buy it. Don't read it without buying it. Nah. Don't just go into your bookshop and stand there and read it for eight or nine hours. You could, though. You could. This episode is brought to you by Wild Horse Nine. Only in theaters November 6th.

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