Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S9 EP11: Python on the loose!!

Episode Date: October 1, 2024

More misadventures in parenting, life, and beyond with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe... You can sign up to get tickets for Josh's new stand-up comedy tour HERE Please follow and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available free everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping.

And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice, and of course, tales of parenting woe. Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. What does possible sound like for your business? It's more cash on hand to grow with up to 55 interest-free days.

Redefine possible with Business Platinum. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Terms and conditions apply. Visit mx.ca slash business platinum. Hello, you're listening to Parent in Hell with... Oscar? Oscar, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Can you say Josh Widdecombe? Josh Widdecombe. Well done. Sounded quite painful at the start. I sound like a chimpanzee in the background.

Oscar, Oscar, can you say Rob Backers? That's a cat, isn't it? Someone killing a cat. Let's see if she mentions it in the email. If someone kills a cat in the audio recording for a podcast intro, has a cat been killed? That's a saying, isn't it? That is a saying. Hi, Rob and Josh.

This is my two-year-old son, Oscar. Having a go at your intro. I thought you did a small cameo. I thought you were going to say, well, I'm going to say Rob Backers. I thought you were going to say Rob Backers. I thought you were going to say Rob Backers. I thought you were going to say Rob Backers. I thought you were going to say Rob Backers.

I thought you were going to say Rob Backers. I thought you were going to say Rob Backers. I thought you were going to say Rob Backers. I thought you were going to say Rob Backers. I thought you were going to say Rob Backers. I thought you were going to say Rob Backers. recording for a podcast intro as a cat being killed that's a saying isn't it? That is a saying. Hi Robin Josh this is my two-year-old son Oscar having a go at your intro I thought you did a small cameo from three month old Poppy at the start. And what's Poppy a ragdoll? I wondered whether... I was searching for a cat breed they're hard that was a bit off being funny because I couldn't think of a cat I was he said Siberian but I was like, Siamese. Tomcat, what's the other, Ragdoll.

Finish the email. Oh, sorry, Oscar. I'm Poppy. Is it a child, not a cat? I've been listening since Oscar was born, but I'm also working my way through all the old episodes. And I'm currently on summer 2021 when Josh has just had his son. On a recent episode, it made me laugh to hear you speak about How you've forgotten how bad colic and reflux can be as Josh's poor son has a very bad reflux and Josh is not okay You should go back and listen if you want to remind that I don't and shout out to any parent going through it Really does get better. Thanks for laughs Alex spelt with an I I'm not I'm starting to think it doesn't get better Are you the the issue I've got at the moment is sleep.

Oh yeah, talk to me. The kids are waking up a lot in the night. I've just got to bounce my tea bag. Right, now this is off the back of you. So this is what's quite good about doing this in person. We get to see how fucked up you really are. So this is how you make tea. So I put the tea bag in.

And that's been floating around for a good five minutes now. It wouldn't normally be floating around that long, but obviously I started the tea bag in. And that's been floating around for a good five minutes now. It wouldn't normally be floating around that long but I obviously started the podcast. And there's been no spoon or finger in that tea yet. No. So you've dropped it in from when you've got it. Yeah into a dry mug. Yeah and you made the tea so then how you making it sit and you this is how you do it for anyone. Yeah, because I'm not this isn't a problem. So there's a little bit of tea bag poking out. Right. Okay. Dance it up and down. this isn't a problem so there's a little bit of tea bag poking out right okay don't sit up and down get it to the right color oh that's not nice why is it worth it nothing wrong with that that's no different from holding the

end of a teaspoon it is different why because you even then and you did it as careful as you possibly could, your finger nearly... Check out my finger, that's dry as a bone. Touch me. I regret doing that, but it's dry. It's dry, but I think when you're busy and you're making a few teas and you're getting all slappy hands because you're stressed, you're getting a bit of index in that. Well, let's have a vote for it on the Instagram. Still unacceptable. Get on the Instagram. It's still unacceptable.

It's a reason why spoons exist. How about we just cut your hands and pour it in? You can do it that way but it's not a nice way to drink it. Have I ever told you about when I was on the stag do with this guy and we went for an Indian and he just the two of you. We just got on really well. I didn't know him. And he sat next to me. And he went... Oh sorry, I'm just so used to being in India.

That I just started eating with my hands. And I was like, you fucking... Well you're not in India are you? You're not so used to being in India. Because you've just ordered a fucking balti do you know what I mean? Where were you on the stag? We were in Oxford. Yeah the least Indian place of the UK. Exactly. That is red trousers, white face, red cheeks. Yeah exactly I fitted right in. Anyway we're face to face now. We're face to face. We're trying to do a few more of these filmed ones, aren't we?

And we just didn't leave you gross. It's the future. It's the future, isn't it? As much as we don't want to leave the house. No, I was saying, I think it gets worse. We're not sleeping very well. My kids keep waking up. Talk to me about your sleeping.

They just keep waking up in the night. I've got it here because I was texting my mate about it because I've got mates that have got babies that are like a year old, so that is hard graft, isn't it? Yeah, and they were like going, oh god, they're tired and stuff I was like, this was like a few nights ago. My eldest daughter woke up twice in the night And are they going to sleep in their own rooms? Going to sleep in their own rooms, right? Do you have to sit in for that? So no, they weren't but then recently we're having to sit in with one of them But then whenever they get a bit ill, it's a difficult balance, isn't it?

So one's been a bit un whenever they get a bit ill, it's a difficult balance, isn't it? Cause if one was, one's been a bit unwell and had a bit of a sore throat and stuff like that. So if they're a bit ill, you sit with them a bit more and you're a bit more. And then she woke up with a sore throat like twice in the night. And then Lou went in there to check her and ended up sleeping with her because she was going,

it just hurts. And then I'll just lay her like that. So then, and then my other daughter come in twice to me, and then she wanted to be tucked in. Then she's getting groin pains. So I was having to stretch her legs. Have you ever done that? Like it's the 99th minute of extra time at the Champions League final.

Yeah, she can get groin pain. So I'll stretch her legs out. And then as that's happened... How did you find that out then? Well, she's just saying that my legs hurt and she's having pain. And then we were stretching them and that helped them. Oh wow. And that's called like gro growing pains. Then the dog started whining and then I had to go downstairs and let one out to have a shit. Oh my god.

And then that was like, and then before I know it's six am and you're back on the school run. Oh my god. And then every, I just feel like every morning feels like I'm getting ready for a flight, you know, like an early flight. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're eight and six. So it's just like nearly nine years of this. Fuck. And they're eight and six. So this is like nearly nine years of this. Fuck. And they're not. And so what's gone wrong? I think one is, as they get a bit older, they're...

Well, so what's went wrong is we actually got in quite a good little pattern of them doing it quite well. And then, especially my youngest, she was like wanting something with her all the time. She was going to bed and being fine. But then we had a nightmare at the weekend where I didn't really lock the front door properly, right? I thought it was sort of on the latch. It wasn't properly

shut, but it looked like I was tied when I'm in bed. And then my youngest, who's been having trouble getting to bed, she was worried about people coming in and then I, and, but you can, Burglar's coming in and getting her, all this quite, it's that anxious anxiety stuff. So what actually the techniques do that is if what you need to do is before bed, if they tell you what they're anxious about, tell them to write it down in one column and then do another column and then you can write down what actually happened. Basically it's with the proviso to teach them and adults that when is your anxiety ever truly correct.

So before a big job as an adult you go, oh God, what if I go in and I don't know anyone? What if I say something wrong? What if, what if, what if I've, most of the time it doesn't happen. What if I die in my arse? Yeah, exactly. But most of the time. That wouldn't work for me obviously because a lot of the time that doesn't. No, this is you bullshit. You're. Yeah, exactly, but most of the time... That wouldn't work for me, obviously, because a lot of the time that does... No, this is you bullshit.

Bit of fun, bit of fun, bit of fun! Most of the time you just go and smash the gig. So then what you're doing... You all want to look at my Never Mind the Buzzcocks columns. I tell you that for free, mate. But yeah, you write about what you're worried about and then the next day you can write... So she's done that before. That's good.

Where the next one goes, did anyone come in? And they were like, no. And then you basically go, when has your anxiety ever been, that's basically the basics of what you're trying to do. So we've been doing that with her, we're like, when has that ever happened? And then she'd come in in the middle of the night,

when that big storm was going on. So she'd come in and woke us up, and then Lou was like, all right, I'll take you back in. Basically, you just normally tuck her back in, she goes back to sleep, you don't have to lay with her. And then as she did it, Lou walked out and started the landing and just went, Fucking hell!

Looted? Yeah, fucking hell! Like that. But to be fair, she was shocked. Fucking hell! The front door's open! 3am thunderstorm, wind whipping in, like a flood. Fucking hell, the front door's open!

So I'm like fully naked, charging down the stairs to see. Which is your daughter's worst nightmare. Yeah, exactly, so she's seen that. And then basically I remember that as I was going to sleep, just before bed I heard a door creaking. And I thought, oh it's probably someone else's door. I forgot that you live in a mansion on a hill. I've just got a creaky door. So Lou went, fucking hell! And like, oh my heart rate's up, this child's already like, I can't sleep, I'm worried. And now the fucking front door's wide open. So then she was like, I'm getting all stressed out.

I don't understand. And then as we laid, I was like, and then Lou was like, well just try and go to sleep. And as she said that, there was like a massive crack of thunder. So like, and then we ended up, and then she cut, then I slept with her all night. So now we're trying to, then as soon as you do that, she's like, oh, this is nice. So we're trying to get back from that.

It's just, it's just hard work. I've, we've had a bit of, so we got them out of our room. Oh yeah, cause they were on the floor. Yeah. We got them out of our room. Yeah. We're doing potty training now. How you getting on the floor. Yeah. We got them out of our room. Yeah. We're doing potty training now. How you getting on? I tell you.

Could you just wipe my ass? Yeah. Content, innit? It's content. We're visualizing. Get that on the views. We couldn't do that. That was the river map, mate.

We've done some feedback. Rob wiping Josh's ass. Get the views up. Yeah. Straight up the charts. Is that what you call it? So, I don't think this is accepted technique. For potty training? If you leave it late, it's a piece of piss. So if he says I need a poo? No, no, no. What I mean is, he's got to an age. How old? He's quite old, isn't he?

He's three. Oh, yeah, that's about normal age, isn't it? Yeah, it's about normal age. But because we haven't, because we've waited until he's ready. Yeah. He's just nailing it, really. Yes. Well, I think he fucking loves, so I, you haven't got a boy, have you? No. So he's got his pot.

Hang on. What did you think I'd stack up? I've been talking to you about my kids every week. My two daughters for four or five years. You haven't got a boy have you? Yeah, one I've not brought up. I've had so much content with the girls, I've not mentioned the newborn. I thought I was doing the podcast with Dave Grohl.

Mier, let me check your messages. What are you arse-ling it about? Check your messages. I'll ask something about. No, what I mean is, I was just thinking out loud, is there's a thing, a different thing for a boy. Yeah, they've got dicks. Yeah, no, no. So we've got his party, which he likes. Yeah. But also, Rose's friend recommended this.

We've got a plastic urinal stuck to the window. Oh, so he just goes home and pisses in the urinal. Well, he's not as into it, but it's like a urinal. I hate urinals. Sticks to the, not the window, like a glass French door. And it's like a plastic urinal in our kitchen, basically. Yeah, this is Rose that don't want to sit next to a table by the toilet in a restaurant and she's got her own urinal stuck to the fucking wall of the kitchen. Well, that's the fucking mad thing, isn't it?

With potty training, because we're doing it, because obviously you're not every night going out every moment. He wants to have a piss yeah because he's pleased that he's pissing in a potty he's trying to have a piss 15 to 20 times a day and then love picking it up on that walking around with it to show you god it's so tense because he wants to take it upstairs we haven't got a downstairs toilet so he's going up the stairs with his piss like like on one of those kids game shows where they're carrying like the gun through the kind of cross the assault course um but so Rose was out on Saturday night and he he hasn't been shitting because that's the thing you forget right it's hard us getting to

shit them piss yeah and so they're nervous about we had this with both he's not been shitting as in like not even in a nappy. No. So he's wearing a nappy. He's wearing a nappy at night. At night, okay. But he's wearing pants. In the day.

Not over the nappy. At night he wears pants over his nappy. Because he wants to. And why, what, that's not an issue. And you're in no position to criticise someone's sleeping technique. I don't think. Matter of fact the duvet, that's weird son. It's fucking, it's weird. Do you know what, Rob?

I can't wait for your kids to, when they talk about the way you sleep to their night, like go, your dad used to do what? Oh, do you know what? Saturday, Sunday morning, they got into our bed and I went to sleep, back to sleep, because I'd been up with them. I was down the other end, I was fully under the duvet. Oh I loved it. I was thinking this is...

The other end of the bed? Top and tail? So I was top and tailing but the three of them were going one way and I was going the other. Right. Why don't you stay at the top end? Because there was less pillow space because they all sat on the pillow. What kind of bed size you got?

I don't know, king? It's a bed... There must be enough space for all four of you in a King up there. You love it at the feet. I love it at the feet. You love a top. I feel like you don't need to top and tail, you enjoy to top and tail. Yeah. What is it you like about it? I saw him jumping around all over the place. What is it you like about top and tailing? Because I want to drill into this because it feels like any opportunity. I said to Rose actually that. I bet top and tailing. You like any like about top and tailing? Because I want to drill into this because it feels like any opportunity

I said to Rose actually I bet top and tailing, you like any opportunity to top and tail? I said this to Rose on Sunday and I hadn't thought about this I said when I go for a nap I might start just going head at this end of the bed Because it feels like you're sneaking a nap in when you're top and tailing It feels naughty, taboo, it doesn't feel, it feels like you're sneaking a nap in when you're top and tailing. It feels naughty. Taboo. It doesn't feel.

It feels... What is it you like about that though that's like... Because it's not how you sleep so you're like, oh I'm just sneaking a little top and tail nap in there. So with a pillow or just... Yeah, with a pillow. Is it because you feel like you'd feel guilty just sleeping at the top of the bed normally like you're in bed, bed?

No, I don't feel guilty about that but I just feel like when I'm top and tailing this it's a bit like you know when you're a kid yeah and you'd rearrange your bedroom and it just felt incredible right so you're like okay so it's just it's just different it's just different it's not better it's just different okay sorry let's get back to your son Can I just say about my problem with top and tailing at the moment. What is that? I've got a veruca. Hello? I could see you there. No, but like- If we were doing this right on Zoom, I think there was a problem with the-

You know what I think it is? I think it's like, I used to think like, oh, oh, Josh does like nostalgia based comedy, where you'll bring up stuff from the past because it's funny and people, there's a warm heartedness to remember things. But that is just your life. You live in the 90s essentially with your music taste, your film taste and all that. And then you just have 90s things. I've got a veruca.

We've just been off work with mad cow disease. I've got a veruca. Yeah. I thought it would, I said it to my doctor last time I was there. She said it would just go. It's got so painful. If I walk around the house without shoes or slippers on, it's painful. Have you thought about cutting it out? I'm going to have to go and get it cut out. My dad would do it himself.

What? My dad once ate a soup that was 12 days out of date and I would be proud, no it's fine it's only a bit of broccoli what could it do to me? Can I talk, this is again we'll go back to your potty training, yeah me and Luef stumbled across something life-changing. I don't know what I want to hear about it. Basically she dresses up as me and I dress up as her. No. Romesh. Special house shoes.

Oh yeah. That you don't wear quickly to go out to do the bins or quickly go in the garden. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're called slippers. Yeah, no, no, no, no, but not slippers because there's not enough support, right? Because I've been getting that plantar fasciitis thing

right on my heel. So I've been doing that running and a lot of walking. It's where you get that painar fasciitis thing right on my heel. So I've been doing a lot of running, a lot of walking. It's where you get that pain at the sole of your feet, where it's sort of like, you're doing a lot and it's sort of, it's hard to get rid of because you've always stood up or walking. So it's basically this muscle strain on the sole of your feet.

Anyway, we've been, and this isn't because we did an advert for them, but we bought some of these Hoka uh, like sliders, but they've got this massive like spongy sole and they're called like recovery sliders, but they've got this massive like spongy soul and they're called like recovery sliders, whatever. You've got a spongy soul. I've always thought that about you. And, um, we, and I've got ice white ones that I don't wear in the garden.

Never. I, you're not allowed to, the key is they never touch outside. So you can go upstairs on all the carpets and you wear them every second of the day, cause we've got hard floors, we've got wooden floors and like stone like tiles in the kitchen and it was hurting my feet. I've been wearing them. It's, I feel like one of those sort of like

aesthetic Japanese girls that do TikToks about their organized life. If you see this, where they get back to their flat and they do that, where they get their special shoes on. They make nice dinner, everything's all quite, like Mary Kondo, isn't that the everything's all quite like Mary Kondo. Yeah, Marie Kondo. Sorry. And...

And Mary Quant who's the queen of shops. I've got me too confused, haven't I? That's what it is, yeah. And yeah, so special house shoes and they don't have to be these ones but we've got the Hoka ones and they're not cheap, they're a bit pricy but I wear them every second of every day indoors now. Are you worried about foot sweat? No, because you can wear them without

socks and they've got vents. Oh. But I wear them with socks, shorts, oversized tee and just go about my day. Go on, potty training. Saturday night he, oh it was quite, he did a shit and pissed himself in his pants. Sounds I thought you when you were drinking Always hammered How's it bad, but then he carried on for the rest of the night. She's got it out of him No, um, and he uh, he was so upset. It was awful cuz he felt like he failed He felt like he failed and he was crying and he was sweating and also have you ever seen a shit in a in pants? No but you had a nappy on? No no no no no no this was Saturday evening before he'd gone to bed. Oh before he went to bed right yeah. Yeah

so I write off the pants is that bad? No no I think that's fine. Yeah you're just like... Look there's fast fashion then there's a pants in the pants. Yeah. Yeah But he's doing really well, but he's basically carbon footprint. Yeah, he's basically able to piss but he's not able to shit Yeah, so the shit was like rock hard because he'd been compact to get down for days. He's been holding it in Yeah, I don't really know what you can do about it. Really. It's just time time. So it's time time Yeah, yeah, I was going at least he's getting those he's getting. It's just time. Time's a healer. Time's a great healer. I'll ask him what he's getting there. He's getting there. That's good.

I can't believe you're still doing nappies. Wow. I know we've had to stop our order of kitten kin. Nappies. What are they? I think Emma Bontons involved. It's like a kind of mail order nappy. But that means he's getting up really early. Because he gets up at half five or six because he wants to have a piss.

Right, and then comes into you. Whereas previously he just pisses his nappy. And then go back to sleep. Go back to sleep. So the day is starting incredibly early. Yeah, not ideal. Not ideal. And so it's about half nine when we get my daughter down and then half five, six when

he's... Yeah, but kids go to bed late as well. They just can't calm down. It's just game over, isn't it? Especially when they've had a fun day or iPad in the afternoon makes them go to bed worse, I find. Oh, I just don't... When do your kids have iPads? Erm...

All the time. What do you mean? So Monday morning, get ready for school. Do they have it before school? No, but not because we've banned it. It just doesn't really come up. Come up because you're busy getting ready. Right after school, when they come home? Maybe but they're more likely to watch TV.

Right. And in weekends. But that's not a rule, like that is not a rule governed thing. Their tastes are probably more different than your children. Yeah. So it's more difficult for them to watch the same TV. It's not a rule-governed thing. Their tastes are probably more different than your children. So it's more difficult for them to watch the same TV. So often they'll watch, my daughter watches hamsters doing assault courses

on YouTube kids. Of course. And so that's iPad. Yeah. But they do a bit and then at the weekend, it's fucking feral. But then, so ours is like only have them at weekends but it's like they're so desperate to have it so I don't know if it's worse. They're quite good to go like if you don't go to bed well if you're being naughty you're on an iPad ban.

Yeah so we've got, my daughter's getting a hamster for her birthday in a month. I had a fish. They're getting moved into my office. So she's don't want the fish anymore? No, it's not that she doesn't want the fish anymore. It's that if she's getting the hamster, just space-wise. So the hamster's going in her bedroom? Yeah.

That's gonna keep her up? Is it? No, that's, what? What? Markle's already laughing. Do you know what? Ham? Markle's already laughed. Do you know what? Hamsters are nocturnal. Yeah, but they're not properly nocturnal. I think they're not.

What are they getting up to? Running on a wheel really loud. Chewing, eating, burrowing. And also you need to get a big hamster cage that... because it's unfair to... Yeah, you can't get like an old stock... They need to have like deep stuff to burrow. You can't just be a little bit in the bottom like the bottom of a butcher's floor. What? That's what it was in my day. Yeah that's not that's cruel.

Yeah so I people I used to have a lovely big glass cage I like get her a big glass cage you can see through it and then you have it like sort of six inches thick. So not. Show me the cage you're getting it. I haven't even thought about it. Well you need to get one that's deep so it can burrow because that's what hamsters do. And how often am I changing this? Well, cleaning it out? Absolute worst every two weeks, but you should be doing it every week. Yeah, so which one of these do I get? Fucking hell, they're mental these days. I'd love to live in that. No, you don't want to get that. You're not deep enough. I'll show you. Oh, there you go.

Perfect. That's it. And so, do I have to change all of that stuff every week? Oh, you basically have to throw away all of the sawdust. Not sawdust, it's what's it called? Wood chippings? Wood shavings? No. I don't know what it's called. But get the glass bottle mum so that the hamster can burrow and the kids can see inside it. Yeah, okay. They're really good fun.

But that will be awake, running around, making noise, chewing, going on a wheel that will squeak and that will keep your daughter awake danger. Oh my god. So what about the cat? Oh the cat will be fucking terrorising it so you need to keep the cat away from it. Yeah so what's the deal? We have to keep my doors closed? Yeah I'd probably keep a door shut, yeah. To stop the cat getting at the hamster. Because the cat won't be able to get into the cage but it will just terrorize it.

But then it might just see it and ignore it because it can't, it's not seeing it run across the room you know. Yeah oh my god. And can we get the hamster out and play with it? Yes, but you've got to do that very early doors and get it comfortable, but it probably will still bite. And they've got massive teeth. So you've got to play with it a lot. Sometimes a good way is to sit in the bath of it. Oh yeah, that's a good idea. Because then it can't really get out. Not with water.

Give it a go. out not with water but then let it crawl around you get used to and then you can let it like walk over your hands before don't just grab it straight away kind of thing my mate yeah on his street whatsapp group yesterday someone had lost their pet got out yeah python and I couldn't he sent me a screen grab of it I couldn't see the part Could you see the part? Could you see it? Send me the part. And the thing was styled as our son's really upset because we lost our pet, not Snake on

the Loose. There's a massive fucking python on the Loose. Which I think they've buried the lead. Like I think the main story here is Snake on the Loose. Also I'm not getting off my chair for a cat that's gone missing. Yeah. If there's a python on the loose I'm having a look. Also tell you what that's the kind of thing that Lou looks at at 3 a.m. on our phone screams and your daughter never goes to sleep. If there's a python on the loose I'm like give over Lou, spend a couple of weeks. Anyway. Oh the hamster's excited though, the hamster.

Yeah, but... They're fun pets, but you've got to put them in every room. But I'm worried I'm going to get saddled with it. 100%. Oh my God, it's huge. Do you... That's the python, by the way, for those at home. Have your daughters got a hamster still? No, no, the hamster's been and gone. And did you clean it out solo?

What's that? Or did they help you? His name was Woody. Did you clean it out with your daughters? Solo's got a good hand. They would help me build it. They would help me. They wouldn't help me clean it out because also they actually is more, it's easier just

to do yourself. I actually quite, I found it quite- Meditative. Yes, and quite calming because- I do that with the fish, I find that. Because it smells after a while and you get rid of all that horrible smell. And also making it, and then the ball,

and the hamster's in the ball having a lovely time running, charging about. Oh, yeah, yeah. I actually quite enjoyed creating a lovely space for the hamster, which is why I did a bit of research. And those glass ones, so the kids can see inside it and the hamster will burrow through and make a lovely little house. So I enjoyed making it, I'm buying loads of stuff to make it look cool and stuff like

that. So that's the fun thing, go to the pet shop to get the stuff and then your daughter will help you build it and go, what should we put in it? And she'll be like, you know, we've got this carrot or whatever. So that was quite nice. Great. But yeah, they're not going to clean it out. And also actually they're quite awkward.

They're quite heavy. So where did you have it? Not in the bedroom? No, we had ours in like the sort of kitchen area, not in the kitchen, but like we had, we had an open plan kitchen living area at our old house. The good thing about doing this visualized is I can look at the camera there, like kind of.

That's a weird thing to do. Like kind of Frankie Howard like... Python on the loose. On the neighborhood whatsapp where it said Python's on the loose. I thought I'd been here two weeks already. But yeah so but yes but at night they come out in the loud but it's fun. I enjoy it, I think, but you will have to do it all. Okay, cool.

Cool. Okay. Do you want to tell what I did yesterday? Yeah. I took my youngest to our first football match. Oh yeah. Arsenal women's versus Man City women's at the Emirates. You didn't need the women's after Man City.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it is like, it's so much fun. I spoke about it before about how good it is for families and stuff. She absolutely loved it and she was properly into it. Is she into football? Not really, but I think she enjoyed the event of it. She enjoyed celebrating. She's laughing at me.

I know you're an Arsenal fan anyway, but it feels like that's the place to go where loads of people go to watch women's football. Yeah so what they did last year they were selling out at the Emirates which is like the men's 60,000. This time they sold 48,000 but what they were doing, 40 or 48,000 is that the class spoke to the club about it when they did it and sold it out last season they hammered the advertising at quite a big cost to make people aware of it. So what they've done this year is gone, if we don't advertise it, how many people are coming just to get a gauge on actual regular people that they aren't doing so we'll target the advertisers for.

So 40 to 48,000 is still a massive number. So they're trying to work out what the average gate is. And they're doing eight out of 11 games at the Emirates. And it's brilliant. It's a really good fun family event to go to. And like they've got a good team as well, but they've got like Beth Mead and Russo, like England players. What's quite weird for me as well, me taking my daughters to football now, I'm like this sort of like very modern dad, progressive,

let's go to the women's football game, you know, support the women's game, stuff like that. And Lou is like taking them to musical theater. She's like the dinosaur, smothering them with hetronorms all I've got to do is go down the fucking foot but I'm a fucking free free-thinking modern legend we loved it she loved it and it was great you know really good really good day her favorite player though is the the goalkeeper for man

city Yamashita oh yeah yeah. Spelled S-H-I-T-A. Yamashita. Yeah. Was just shouting Yamashita. Ha! The whole game. Ha ha ha. And, um, Yamashita!

Oh, Yamashita saves, go, oh Yamashita! Ha ha ha. But what's when- And did you, did she spot that or had you pointed it out to her? This fun legend? Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Have a look at, I was like, have a look at the Man City Gold Keepers name. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Enjoy! Mum's not here! Knock yourself out! And then when we were driving home she was going, Yamashita! And I was going, Yamashita! If you want, just scream Yamashita as loud as you want, because we were in the countryside bit. I mean just scream Yamashita as loud as you want. And she just went

mental and I did it, and I did it really like, Yamashita! And we were just pissing ourselves laughing. Of just being able to say shit. Right, so we went to the first game. She absolutely loved it. She got like a, she had a scarf, she was swinging it around and enjoying the game and cheering and booing the other team and all that good fun.

And we got a taxi, we got a black cab to London Bridge station from like Holloway road round there and got in it. And I was like, oh, she had an Arsenal scarf and an Arsenal program and the geese went, do you want that? And it was a Tottenham program. I went, not now but I might need to go to the toilet later so I might use it. Oh lovely, lovely bit of bits, lovely bit of bits, get me on Torc Sport. Exactly, he laughed, I laughed, my daughter was like, what's going on? But whatever. Anyway, she sat in the back, Arsenal scarf on all buzzing from her first game like that

and I was just chatting about it, I went oh he went to Arsenal's women's game, I went oh yeah so they're playing them there and I went yeah they do some there some at their other ground blah blah blah that was really good really fun day out and he was talking about the other Arsenal men's city game later on and all that and stuff like that and then out of that like and I was getting quite getting on well with him and then my daughter's there and a young woman to be and he goes well the thing is with me I don't think women should play football at all. What? Not like... That's mad like to say no I'm not going that's mad obviously it's mad he thinks that but I mean to say that in front of a little girl who's just been to a women's football match yeah and come out all happy right and I just went what? I was so shocked, he was so mental

and he went yeah they just shouldn't be allowed and I went why? he went it just looks wrong and I'm like pardon and he went and then I but look now at this point like I is your daughter clocking it? she's yeah she's like what and also she could I'm not getting angry but she can tell you know me Josh I'm a very friendly, nice person. But if I don't like someone and they're giving it to me, I will fucking rip them apart. And I can do that from doing stand up. And it sounds like, but like if I don't like someone, I could be a really good bully if I wanted to be one. When we slag off people, we don't like off there. I'm good at it, aren't I? And he's just got my back up so much. I went went you what? And he went um he just looks wrong. I went that is ridiculous. He went but I'm

old school. And I went well it's good the old school are all dying out. Because he was a bit older, he was like 60 or something. I went it was good that all the old school were dying innit. With views like that, you know we don't want those views around anymore. I'm glad the old school's dying. What did your daughter do? She's sort of just looking at a thingy, but I wasn't shouting, but I was just like, well I'm glad the old school's dying out. And then he went, well I am just old school though, I'm old school.

And then he went on this weird little prepared rant about being old school and he went, I do a job. Right, okay. He went, I do a job, I've learned a skill, because he's a black cab driver, I've learned all the roads. You tell him what to go, I'll go. I don't need no computer. Even though he has to take car by law. I don't need no computer. I've got a job. And he went, you. No one does a job no more. I'm old school, I actually do a job. I bet you're a job. Without a computer, could you do your job? And I went, school, I actually do a job. I bet your job, without a computer, could you do your job?

And I went, yeah. I'm a stand up comedian, I get up and I talk and make people laugh. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't, but that's my job. You went, yeah, but you need a computer to write your jokes down, don't you? And I went, no. No. No. I went, sometimes I scrap a paper.

You'd actually be quite disappointed to see the notes if you bought tickets to my tour. Yeah. I don't start writing jokes down without a punch on them. Most of the time I don't have one to start. And I went, no, I don't use a computer. I just remember it. And he went, what?

Because basically he's old school. He went, what? I just remember he went, oh. Like the knowledge, mate. Yeah. And he went, oh, Like the knowledge, mate. Yeah. And then he went, oh, well, that's very unusual for what I normally talk to people to have a computer.

And I was like, what? And then I was like, yeah, but mate, it's just, even if you do write it down, it's just, fair enough, I do need a computer for these podcasts. But I was like, that's another one of my jobs. But I was like, you can't be that angry at technology. I'm like, you know what I'll go you know, you've got a proper job Oh, yeah. All right, then be a taxi driver about a fucking car or get engine or wheels. I

Mean, I bet he's got a phone. Yeah, of course. Yes Fucking looked into X reading load of shit a silly old computers computers have a No, computers haven't come up with the idea of women's football. Like, it's not AI generated. He was just an absolute knob and I hated him. And how do you, when I'm in those situations, how do you end the taxi drive? No tip for a start. I'm a big tipper. But you can't use your Apple Pay. What's that? Sorry mate.

Sorry mate, no computers in here is it? Cash. I do take hard. Cash preferred. Gives you down a penny fucking tax. And look, I don't... Black cab drivers get, I think, sometimes an unfair rent. Yeah. Right. But, you know, most black cab drivers are working class, sort of.

They're great. My dad was a black cab driver. My brother was a black cab driver. Right. However, you've got to remember is a lot of black cab drivers are toxic men that can't exist in a workplace So they have to work alone That's what it is. It's a place of people that can't coexist to exist Yeah, there's a reason why you have to be away from people in most jobs, isn't it? But anyway, he just absolutely done me and I want to have a really like...

What I don't get is I've never got the confidence even to express a mild opinion with a stranger. No. I'll just, if I think there's a danger they won't agree with this, I'm not going in. Yeah, but you weren't in front of a child that's gone through her first... If I was sat with a stranger and they said, what do you think about Brexit? I'd go, do you know what? I don't think it's a good idea that we have this conversation. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, it was a long time ago, wasn't it? Did you see the football?

Do you know anything? You've got to say that's an extreme view to be... Not even professionally. No. No, down the park? It looks weird. To what? To who you dick? So I just disagreed with him and explained why I disagreed. But then what? This is annoying me though, after this calmed down a bit, I said to him, earlier in the day we couldn't go through the city because there was a race on, some sort of fun run thing. And um... Were we running or just men? Oh I don't know, did that look weird to you? Were we running? Were we running away from you?

Had big glasses, doing overtime today. I said to him, are we all right to go through? Because he was heading towards the city. I went, are we all to go through the city now? And he went, why wouldn't we be? I went, okay. And because it was shut all morning for a race, he went, no, no, that finished half hour ago. And I was like, okay. Well, then I thought, well, okay, why be so aggrieved? Because you're aware of this race that was in the city because you just told me it finished half an hour ago. And then I went, all right then, if you think we can go through, go through.

And then he went, and this annoyed me, especially after technology check, I've just Googled it and it's still open so I'm going to go around it. I went, hello Captain Computer. Who's doing their job without computers now? But I know we're messing about, the serious point is my daughter's there, and love sport, he's hearing that. And so I'll clap back at him and then we've got out the taxi was calm. I wasn't, my daughter didn't pick up on any, and I said, did you hear what that cab driver said?

She went, yeah. And what did he say? She went, oh, the women shouldn't play football. And I went, all right. I went, is he, is he right? She went, no, I can play. And then I said, there'll be people, especially like mostly for women, men saying you can't do things you shouldn't

do, you shouldn't do things you shouldn't do. And I said, no, I can't do that. And she said, well, I can't do that. And I said, well, I can't do that right? She went, no, I can play. And then I said to her, there'll be people, especially mostly for women, men saying you can't do things, you shouldn't do things, you just have to ignore them. But I like, because I think you've got to make that, because if you hear it, they hear it enough, they'll start to believe it.

Totally. You know, like, it's anyway, really, let's drop the wedding ring. Oh my God. Oh my God. When I get angry, I cheat. Louis Theroux's gonna pick that up this afternoon. You got it?

Should we do small? Sorry for ranting. Oh I loved it. But it just annoyed me. You haven't got a cab to do it in. If you had a cab you don't outlet. This is your cab. But it's just in front of a young girl that's buzzing from her first. Yeah, yeah. I've been looking forward to taking them to their first football match for years. Off the back of a nice conversation about it. Anyway, so yeah, I got quite angry about all that, but... Anyway, I've got a small business. Have you? So I've been sent it because... So this is a small business that's slightly scaling up, Rob.

But it still qualifies. When I lived on... Spotify. Spotify. up Rob, but it still qualifies. When I lived on Spotify, when I lived on Columbia Road, just behind Columbia Road, there used to be someone from their flat, she'd make curry of an evening and you'd go knock on her door and pay her nine quid and she'd give you like three curries in a day. Oh nice. Yeah, that was ten years ago. Is that nine quid done that you give her a ten and go don't worry about the change? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Respect. Clever, clever. Bit of glasses, bit of glasses. But she's marketing her curries now. Oh okay, still from the house? No, she's got a business. Right, okay. Josh, this definitely sounds like a small business. No, no, no. Unless you're gonna say it's Lloyd Grossman's curry. She's got it in supermarkets though. She's got it in like... Oh, I think that still counts.

I literally was going around there with my money and she was cooking it on her own cooker. Yeah, and now she's putting Dahl into supermarkets. So I'm blown away. This is what makes this country great. It is, isn't it? So let me just find it. It's called Spicebox and she's given us a 30% discount. What for the listeners? For the listeners. Oh what a woman. So if you go to the Spicebox website and eatspicebox.co.uk yeah and type in parenting 30 you'll get 30% off your order. Fucking hell. Oh that's nice yeah so yeah is it all veggie curry?

Yes there's a dal and there's a different type of dal that's spicier. Moon dal? Yeah. Is that double O? Moon dal yeah. Fair enough. Double dal. Go on Grace. Go on Grace. Oh yes sir. Yeah. This is a proper sort of like from kitchen stove to kitchen stove to Sainsbury's. Yeah, kitchen stove. Respect, grace. Fair play.

Hi Rob and Josh. Me and my husband Ryan are expecting our first baby in the next couple of weeks. When we first found out we were pregnant, a friend recommended your podcast and we've been hooked ever since. You've taught so much more than any NCT class or parenting book could. It's been so insightful to hear real life stories for real life parents although Rob Please use could you stop saying you shouldn't holiday with babies until they are four as my husband has very much taking this on board And you're scuffling my dreams maternity leave getaways. I

Genuinely think up until they're about eight months. You can take one a little Smith's mini city break Yeah, go so I'd recommend to feel actually because they're very family-friendly However between six and four fuck it off city break. I'd recommend Seville actually because they're very family friendly. However between six and four, fuck it off. If you want an adventure, take them. If you want to relax, save your money, book somewhere nice when they're older. Do you know what is a country I love but does not love kids? Britain obviously is a country I love. Who don't love kids?

France. Don't love France. The Spanish love kids. The Spanish love kids. The Italians fucking love them. Fucking love a kid, the Italians. France. Here we go. Not made for it. Please go and ask for a small business shout out for Ryan's business, Nottingham Bodycast,

on Instagram and Facebook as Nottingham Bodycast. Altogether no underscores or anything. He offers life-size body casting of pregnant bellies as well as doing 3D body scans that are used to create miniature statues that showcase the incredible changes a body goes through during pregnancy. These make a beautiful and unique keepsake

to forever remember pregnancy and can be made in any size or colour. Ryan's worked incredibly hard to grow his business alongside working full time, and know he'd appreciate a shout out if possible. Plus, the more business he gets, the longer I can have off on maternity leave. So who's the real winner here?

Thanks so much for easing us into the realties of parenthood. Stay six and relatable, Helena, age 390 months. Thanks guys. Yeah, no, I don't wish to poo-poos people's holidays with kids, but I do think if you want a bit of an adventure and travel around with kids But if you go if you want to lay on a on a deck chair on a deck Yeah, lay by the pool lay by the beach you can't you're just following these children around the whole time Do you know what's easier? Hmm? Oh, we could talk about this on Friday because we've got ten minutes to fill there

haven't we? Yeah, but the people next to us had one kid. Yeah, who was five. Yeah, and But the people next to us had one kid who was five. And that is much more difficult on holiday than two kids. One child. One child. It's hard for single parents, not single parents, only children, because they haven't got a mate to play with. They're just desperate to play with a parent. There's no point at which they're either on their own or playing with their parents. See, I think they should do a thing where when you're checking to a holiday,

if you've got an only child, find other people with only child, children, and then sort of team up a bit and let them play like they should have a little meet and greet. Yes. Because what normally happens if they're with siblings, they just play together. So that then, and then that way they're like, that's a good way to do it now. Yeah, it's talk of a meet and greet. When I was, when we were away, one of the activities, you know when a hotel's got like activities, one of them, this was the wording, meet and greet with a donkey.

Wow. Yeah. I wish I'd gone actually. Get my photo with a donkey. See you on Friday. See you on Friday, Josh. It's weird ending it face to face. Okay, let's turn.

See you on Friday, Josh. See ya. That was face. Okay, let's turn. See you on Friday, Josh. See ya. That was better. Yeah, that was better. I'm Max Rushton. I'm David O'Doherty. And we'd like to invite you to listen to our new podcast, What Did You Do Yesterday?

It's a show that asks guests the big question, quite literally, what did you do yesterday? That's it. That is it. Max, I'm still not sure. Where do we put the stress? Is it what did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? You know what I mean?

What did you do yesterday? Yeah. I'm really downplaying it. Like, what did you do yesterday? Like, I'm just a guy just asking a question, but do you think I should go Like, what did you do yesterday? Like, I'm just a guy just asking a question. But do you think I should go bigger? What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? Every single word this time,

I'm going to try and make it like it is the killer word. What did you do yesterday? That's too much, isn't it? That's over the top. What did you do yesterday? Available wherever you get your podcasts every Sunday. Hello, I'm Charles Brandreth. What's the very first thing you remember?

That's the question I'll be asking my famous and fascinating guests in Rosebud, my new podcast about first memories and first experiences. My first memory is handing my Auntie Muriel a piece of turd. Other guests include Dame Judi Dench, Alison Hammond and Rory Stewart. Download and listen wherever you get your podcasts. Get your podcasts. and because it's obvious. Every Thursday I interview a guest about what constitutes their perfect day. So if you like hopes and dreams, fantasies and sweet memories, you're gonna love this stuff.

Ah, we have got so many lovely, funny, nice people on. You're Ramesh Ranganathan's, you're Dolly Alderton's, you're Jemali Maddox's, Arabella Wearsh's doing it. Don't worry about the quality of the guest. Just worry about when you're going to listen to it. Or don't worry about when you're going to listen to it, just actually listen to it. See you soon. Jess Knapp here, signing off, wishing you a perfect day. F-U-C-T-Y