Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S9 EP29: No Anecdote Too Small

Episode Date: December 3, 2024

**TRIGGER WARNING** There is discussion of Santa Claus and Lapland in this episode not suitable for younger ears!! More misadventures in parenting, life, and beyond with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe... Please follow and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available free everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Guys, we are talking about LAT Land and Father Christmas in this episode, so just be aware if you're listening with little ears. Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky.

So, to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we chat into a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips, advice and of course tales of parenting woe. Because let's be honest there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hamburglar why are you calling? Rubble, rubble.

McDonald's has a new biggest burger called Big Arch, made with two 100% Canadian beef patties, a new delicious sauce, and all the McDonald's flavors you love, and... wait, you want me to help you get it? Rubble. Come on. Compared to beef burgers on McDonald's current menu at participating restaurants in Canada. Some things require a lot of work to grow, like plants, hair, babies, or your savings. But when you run a business, you already have enough on your plate.

Scotiabank's Right Size Savings for Business account can help you grow your savings with ease. For a limited time, open a new account and earn up to 4.65% interest for the first 6 months. Before you know it, your savings will grow without you even noticing. Ooh, which reminds me, I need a haircut. Conditions apply. Ends December 15th. Rate is annual, calculated daily and will vary based on account balance. Visit scotiabank.com slash Right Size Savings for full details. This episode is brought to you by Dyson On Track.

Dyson On Track headphones offer best-in-class noise cancellation and an enhanced sound range, details. Hello, you're listening to Parent in Hell with... Asher, can you say Rob? Becket. Becket. And Josh? Yes. Whitacombe. I love that.

That's American, isn't it? That, my friend, is American things. That's American, isn't it? That, my friend. It's American, Fins. It's American. Oh, and it's a really American place. Oh, Virginia. No. Ohio.

Rob. Chicago. Now, I want you to take me to America and watch some cars going really fast. Oh, NASCAR. Indianapolis. Indianapolis. Yes. That was my son Asher, 21 months, crushing your names for the intro. Can you guess where in America we're from? Crushing as well. Oh my God.

This is the dad. This is the dad. I started listening to the pod when I was asked by my pregnant wife what I was doing to prepare for the arrival of our first child. Within a couple of hours, I informed my wife I downloaded a popular parenting audiobook and identified an informative parenting podcast. Yes, he feels it. Safe to say I never made it past the second chapter of the audiobook, I've kept up with all the podcasts ever since. We recently had a baby girl and now enjoy all that two under two has to offer. Keep up the good work and for reminding us that no anecdote can ever

be too trivial. I think we're a real confidence boosted of people with poor anecdotes and social gatherings. Well, they're knocking it out on a podcast shortly. This is my appearance. It's in the fucking charts. You can get away with any old shit in podcasts. Pete is originally from Coventry, just so you know. Oh, big up the call. So he's gone from Coventry to Indianapolis.

Ali, Asha and Harper. Oh, no, we're talking about that. He downloaded the audiobook about parenting. I don't think it was our audiobook. No, but academic. Because what I'd say, this is what I've sort of learned about parenting, is it's like a job, you know, like a job. Yeah. You know, when you go to uni, and you do all the books, you do all the exams to get a career. I mean, when you get in the job, you realize what a waste of fuck. None of that helps. Same with the books. Every kid's different. You got to get amongst it, feel it out. That's the way to do it. It's psychological warfare. And you don't do what? You don't need tips. You need allies. You need someone to go over the fucking top with. Welcome to the podcast. I couldn't agree more.

Every book I read, which was one, before my daughter was born. Mine was none, so you've beat me. Oh, there's someone at the fucking door now. If it's an Amazon parcel, I'm divorcing Lou. I can't fucking handle it. Not this time of year. It's too much. Can I quickly see what...

Where is she? She's doing the school run? She's doing the school run. Oh God. Right. It's not them. It's someone. Right. So the reason I've got a woolly out on a big coat is I've been sat in my car defrosting

the windscreen for about three hours. Oh, Rob, welcome to the country. Welcome to the country. It's minus 3.5. I had to move the car because I don't even know what they're called or what they're doing. Did you do the kettle? Did you do the kettle? No, because it's a new car, and I don't

want to burn the windscreen. I've got a massive car. You've only had this chat before. I've got a massive car now, and it takes ages. Lovely car for the tour. I've got a six-seater. Did you buy a car for the tour? At least a car for the tour, because I need a bigger car.

So I've got a BMW X7. Thank you very much, Stephen James. They helped me get that. I'm paying them. I'm not getting a freebie, don't panic. But I had to, so boring, defrost the windscreen so I can move the car because some builders need to get to the area where the car is to finish off some groundwork. I don't even know what that means, but they're coming and they're here and now I'm here in my house with a woolly hat on and a big jumper.

Can I just read something out to you, Rob? Keep up the good work and remind us that no anecdote can be too trivial. I'm tired, Josh. I'm so tired. Well, Rob, sit back. This is I will tell you why I'm in a hotel, but the story is a week long. The divorce theories, Here we go. You and Rose are good though, yeah? Yeah. Let's get that early doors.

She is in a different hotel room in the same hotel. No, you've got two hotel rooms in a hotel. No, no, you'll see. You'll see. So the story starts. This is the story of Lapland. Yeah. Okay. All right. Okay. I'll say one thing. I want to take you back to last week,

where I put my Christmas tree up in mid November. And you said, what's wrong with you? You fucking nutcase. You said I was a nutcase for putting my Christmas tree up. You went to fucking Lapland to meet Father Christmas mid November, late November. Could I say so as well? I was excited, but also concerned. It's very difficult when you go and do something, right? Part of me wants you to have a good time because you're a friend. Part of me wants you to have a shit time because it's funny. So I'm very conflicted whenever you do anything. But I was very excited when there was no lap lap, there was no snow in Lapland about two days before you went. I don't know if you're even aware of this, but I

was following it. Did you know that? No, I didn't. On Wednesday of last week, there was an edit someone put on TikTok, there's no snow in Lapland. I'm still having fun, but it doesn't look like how I imagined. And I was like, oh, if Josh goes to Lapland, there's no snow. I'm going to love it. But anyway, carry on about Lapland. But I just want to, for the record, you can't have a go at me from our Christmas tree if

you're going to see Father Christmas. Yes, that's fair. That's fair. But I've got to just be I've just got to be clear about this, Rob. Yeah, it is cheaper to go in November. Well, here's a little hack because I went to Lapland when I was filming with Ramesh. Yeah, the way to do it if you want it really cheap is to go and you want luscious snow, go in January. Yeah, because you're definitely guaranteed the proper snow weather. And it's all bedded in and luscious snow, go in January. Yeah. Because you're definitely guaranteed the proper snow weather. And it's all bedded in and luscious snow. And you go and you visit Santa and say thank you.

Oh, well. But November's also too profit. Let me take you through my seven days of Lapland. So to Lapland for seven days? No, but I'm going to give you the I'm going to give you the the lead in. Yeah. To show you how stressed I was yeah Wednesday with it's so much stuff. You have to get to go to the cold weather. I didn't realize yeah

A lot of layers yet So basically the week but leading up to it was a living hell for Rose because she's overseeing our house being done Yeah, you're not in your own house. You can't find all the bully. We're not in our own house Yeah, so Wednesday get up drop the kids at school with Rose. Yeah, we go into town, then I do the last leg meeting from a bench. Sure. Oh, no, from a prep because the bench was too cold. Yeah. And then meet up with Rose, we have to go to buy cold weather stuff. Then I have to go and pick a prescription for Rose. And then

I have to go to get my verruca scene too. I thought you'd burn it off. Yeah they do a two week check that it's fine. Then I have to get on the car to go. Alright John Candy. Corporate at St George's Park. Oh, I think that's a long way up in Derby. Burton. Yeah, Burton. The England training camp. Who is it for?

200 IT people. Lovely stuff. With the joke, don't go well, do you just turn the joke off and turn it on again? See how it goes the second time. Oh, that's good. Rob, it went quite well because I just talked to the crowd. I got some information on them. Josh, you're with your people. I'm with my people, no.

Stiffnecks everywhere. Didn't even move from the stage. The end was a guy who was 5'6", shorter than me, but he'd competed in Britain's Strongest Man, right? Really? So I'm not saying that I would do anything to do well at a corporate. So you just, yeah, what did you do with him?

It ended with him carrying me offstage in a fireman's lift, Rob. Someone came up to me afterwards and said, do you know what? I didn't think you're funny normally, but actually you're really good. And I thought tonight wasn't me. He likes your new wrangle. Tonight was a different comedian. I imagine, what a horrible thing to do. I know. Imagine if you went up to someone who did any job to electrician and

go, do you know what, mate? I think you're normally fucking shit at this. Yeah. But today you've done really well with these lights. Yeah. And then we're in a new Airbnb. Okay. I'm on the, there's a double bed in the sitting room for me and my daughter, because obviously me and my daughter sleep in the same bed and Rose and my son sleep in the same bed. Yeah. It's not big enough for me. Okay,

so Rose sends me a picture of my bed for the night. You send it to me? Yep. Oh my god. That's that's the sofa in the Airbnb with a pillow on it. Why is she not even got your blanket? Well, luckily, Ali who drives me, I said, could you get a duvet for the car because I'm going to try and get some sleep. And then we'll use the duvet for the car because I'm gonna try and get some sleep And then we'll use the duvet on the tour because he's driving me for the tour So you can have it hang on you can have a duvet in the back of the do not just a pillow a duvet I'm not a blanket

A whole duvet I'm gonna have a whole duvet in the back of the car and don't pretend that you're not tempted to yourself I mean I'm thinking about it now Oh yeah I just feel so pathetic. I tried it. I tried it last Wednesday, Rob. You're like a nan that's passed away,

you got halfway through a holiday. Little earphones in, listen to a podcast, pillow, duvet, still seatbelted up. But just to be clear to any of the nerds out there, I'm still seatbelted up. You brought your tour duvet in. So why aren't you, so where's your daughter sleeping? Is there not enough space in it?

There's a sofa, there's like a sofa bed next to that that's not big enough for two. How are the kids dealing with this? It must be quite stressful. It's quite an adventure for them. Right, okay. Thursday, had a bit of a breakdown after the group dance at Strictly.

Yeah, I know, I've got a few messages from you about the group dance. Where's your head at? Because you've been, you've missed training by being in Lapland and it's next week. I think this is something that's worth saying. Well, it's not stopped us before. None of it is. Well, nothing really is. If everyone just was quiet for a bit, I think we'd all get on about it as life is.

get on about it as life is. Everyone's like, oh, it's an amazing experience, blah, blah, blah. And it is. But fuck me, you forget even that learning something new, you have moments where you think where you lose all self-confidence in every moment that you've ever lived and everything you're ever good at. That's why most adults don't do new things. Yeah. Because you like, you know, it takes you back to panicking at school. And it's fine when you're in your dance room and you've got someone there who you trust

and who is just trying to get the best out of you, right? Yeah. So that, and you're in a bubble where you're like, I'm just learning this dance. And what I would say is TV is sort of cult cult TV shows have been going for a long time. Everyone's so ingrained in it that you get caught up in it. It's like contagious. It's like an epidemic. So you're all of a sudden it's the most important thing in the world to you.

Yeah. So when you're in your room with your dancer, it's just like, I'm just learning this thing. It's like, oh, I'm learning to drive or whatever. Yeah. And then you get pitched in a room where there's five other people doing the same thing. Yeah. Who are all better than you. Yeah, well, subjectively. Subjectively. But you're always going to think that. Yeah. You know what I mean? But you've suddenly, and then you're having these panics. The problem is, whenever you're stressed about anything, not you, but someone, people go, you know what they say, you just gotta dance like no one's watching.

But unfortunately for you, 10 million people will be watching and poor people will be judging. So you can't really say that. No. Dance like 10 million people are gonna watch. Every single person you know will see it and you'll be judged at the end of it. And then you'll be told that due to sort of the opinions of experts,

if you've been good or bad, that's what's going on in your mind. And all that's going through my head. And then there's a big group dance that we learn, right? And it's not only that I'm not gay. Yeah, we've got to do the group dances. That would stress me out because your own little dance you can crack on with. But the group dance. Exactly.

Exactly, Rob. You're not a team player as well. You're a stand up comedian. We always do it under duress. I can't tell you, right, without going into details, my bit of the group dance is humiliatingly easier than the other people's bits. OK, that is bad. Yeah. So all this is going through my fucking head.

Yeah. When you messaged me, I was like, his head's gone. My head had gone. I texted you. I texted Acaster, I was like, his head's gone. My head had gone. I texted you. I texted Acaster, who said, you've texted the wrong person. I texted Karen with just the words, am I shit? Oh, God. You've got to have fun with it. I've just got to have fun with it. But I texted someone who, I won't say who it was,

but they'd done Strictly before. Yeah. And they said they had a lovely time, and then after the first group dance, they just cried. Because I tell you what it feels like, Rob. Yeah. Edinburgh, you know, when you just turn up at Edinburgh and you're like, oh, fuck, there's loads of comedians here. And I'm not just doing my show, but I'm competing. Other people got stars all over their posters and have to walk past it to get to my show. And you know, all that awful stuff that used to happen. And now I just do my show and then I get under a fucking duvet. And I forget that.

Yeah, that does feel hideaway, doesn't it? That you literally do a tour show, climbing back of a car, Ali hands you a duvet, you hide under it, pop your little nose out and go to sleep. Lovely. What I'd say is Josh, go out there and just do it. You've already won. I'm now there. I'm now there. By doing it because you would have lost if you hadn't put yourself forward to do it and it literally doesn't matter. I fully agree. I was just putting it out there that I had a... You've got to have a wobble. You've got to have a wobble in these things. I know, but you've got to stop being so hard on yourself. Friday morning. So I go home after that.

Did you cry? Sleep on my sofa. I didn't cry. Back to the sofa. Friday morning. Pack up the whole of the Airbnb. Oh yeah, again. Friday morning. Pack to go to Lapland. Lovely, that's what you need. Then go to Last Leg. Oh God, so when are you going to Lapland?

7am Saturday. Rose is picking the kids up from school and going to a hotel in Heathrow. I think you're doing Last Leg and then going to Heathrow. So you probably get to Heathrow about midnight-ish. Midnight. But that's fine. We're up at 4. That's fine.

4.30. 4.30. Yeah, sorry. Do last leg. Yeah. Get straight in the car and get to the hotel. Yeah. And I think I've got four and a half hours sleep.

This is fine. Lovely. Loads. Also, just as an aside, shout out to the Heathrow Hilton Hotel, which gave me guest of the day. What's that mean? When Rose turned up, they gave her a certificate saying,

guest of the day, Josh Widdicombe, free breakfast. No use. Oh, nothing at all for. And just you as well. The kids can sit and watch you eat it. Yeah. So I get to the hotel at midnight, unpack. Is Rose awake? No.

How'd you get in the room? I've got a spare key card on the reception. Right, okay, yeah. Again, no anecdote too small. I'd set you up for that to be honest, that was my fault. And then I think, where's my inhaler? You're gonna need that in the cold. My inhaler was in my coat and it's not in my coat.

I lie in bed and I think, don't worry about it. And then I think, no, I've got to worry about this because I can't go there without an inhaler. Oh really, is it that bad? Well it's just too much of a gamble for four days to be thinking, I haven't without an inhaler. Oh really, is it that bad? Well, it's just too much of a gamble for four days to be thinking I haven't got an inhaler. So do you have a new inhaler on your 24-serve? Well, not really, but going to cold weather. Yeah, and also, you know, it won't be nearer the hospital.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then I search my suitcase, it's not there. I search my coats, it's not there. I think, just go to sleep. What I'll do, I'll go to the chemist in departures in the morning. Yeah, lovely. Absolutely. Yeah, that'd be fun. 430am boots. I imagine you've got a really on it pharmacist there, Heathrow Boots, 430am on a Saturday.

Of course, I check. They only do over the counter. This is prescription, so I wouldn't be able to get it. I then check the other Heathrow. I then think, well, maybe I'll just go in Finland. Then I, for a bit, think, I'm sure if I walked check the other Heathrow. I then think, well, maybe I'll just go in Finland. Then I for a bit think, I'm sure if I walked down the middle of the plane asking if anyone had got a spare inhaler, someone would have a spare inhaler. Will Barron Spare? But they might need it. Josh Birk Yeah. So then I think, I've got to go back to the house and get my inhaler. Half 12, I think I've just got to get an Uber back to East London. No. Josh.

What else can I do? I think I'd rather just die. I'd rather just take me chance in a asthma, I think. And then I think Last Leg are still going to be there. I text the coordinator, shout out to Izzy, and I say, has anyone there got a spare spare inhaler because I could just go to the BBC I didn't know inhalers were knocked around like this. Well, no, they're not she says no we haven't okay So I get in the car. No, so uber an uber Our ten minutes on the sat nav Does Rose know you're doing this? She asleep?

Yep. I'm like, I've got to go back and get my inhaler. I get in the car and then I realize half an hour in I'm like, I had a jacket that I took off before the show and I've left it in wardrobe. Right. So I text Izzy and I'm like,

can you check the jacket in wardrobe for the inhaler. Incredibly, it is there. So you can divert the Uber back to West London. I diverted the Uber. Oh, yeah. What a story. Call that to a name. Call that to a name. Fuck you, Indianapolis. Yeah. So I managed to just get back to the hotel at a sweet two, two o'clock. Oh, what a, Whoa, love it! Just a sweet two and a half hours before you have to fly to Latna with two kids. What a lovely way to start a holiday.

Yeah, two and a half hours sleep, lovely. Hamburglar, why are you calling? Rubble, rubble! McDonald's has a new biggest burger called Big Arch, made with two 100% Canadian beef patties, a new delicious sauce, and all the McDonald's flavors you love, and... Wait, you want me to help you get it? Rubble!

Come on. Compare to beef burgers on McDonald's current menu at participating restaurants in Canada. Light up Black Friday with Freedom Mobile and get 50 gigs to use in Canada, the US and Mexico for just 35 bucks a month for 18 months. Plus get a one-time gift of five gigs of Rome Beyond Data. Condition supply details at freedommobile.ca. What I've started doing now, Josh, is making sure that I've got the day off before the holiday.

Because our jobs are so mental, when I used to work in an office, if I was flying the day before, day after, sorry, you can sort of go in, you do a little bit of a handover, you go, oh, I've been speaking to that person, and you just float about talking about your holiday, and it's nice, but not with us because it's too, our jobs are quite for long. Yeah, totally. It's mental. I get there. Lapland is beautiful. Yes. But really I'm only thinking on day one, I can't wait to go to bed.

Of course. Yeah. Long old, cause you have to, you have to fly to Helsinki then hills. Helsinki then change. And so we get there, it's lovely. There's, it's snowy, lovely trees, lovely snow. And there's a bit of a, at the hotel, there's a hill with sledges,

and my daughter fucking loves that, right? Perfect. So that's her first time sledging, and she just did that, literally. We'd wake up, she's like, we're going sledging. You're not even having a cup of tea. So then we get to the evening, I'm like, I can't wait to go to sleep.

My daughter slept on the plane. Oh no. She was up, and I'm in the same room as her, and she can't sleep. My daughter slept on the plane. She was up. I'm in the same room as her and she can't sleep. She was up till 11pm Rob. Oh my god. What's that in English? Was that about? 9pm English. Yeah. Oh god. But that is a long old day for you. That is a slogger. Did you sleep on the plane? Absolutely horrific. No, I didn't sleep on the plane though.

I thought you'd be a plane sleeper. Because one child was up at both points. It just didn't really work out. Yeah and they're not really long enough flights are they? No. Next day it's all going good. Call from Adrian the Builder. Oh no. The hamster cage has got the door open. Do you know what I would have said? Adrian I don't care. I'd go invoice me another 20 quid buy another hamster stick it in there. I can't care. I'd go, invoice me another 20 quid, buy another hamster, stick it in there. I can't deal with this now. He said he got that, the top door, the one on the top, because it's a wire cage, it was open and then Adrian closed it, came back an hour later, it was open again.

Yeah. And we were like, could you check if the hamster's in the cage? Oh my God, he's got enough on his plate, he's trying to sort of get enough. In? I've got enough on my fucking plate. I'm on holiday. I'm dealing with a missing hamster. No, you're not.

You're telling Adrian to deal with a missing hamster. He's trying to build a fucking kitchen. And he's got to worry about your little fucking toothy bastard. Anyway, the hamster's there. Thank god. Yeah, you just need to put a little luck on it. He's put a tile on the top of the cage to weight it down. So we then do a reindeer experience, wonderful.

Yeah, go meet the reindeer. Yeah, pulled in a sled round, bar on a reindeer. They have their antlers on or do they fall it off? Yeah, they fall off once a year, but they have their antlers on at the moment. It's horrific when they fall, I went when they're falling off and it's horrific. It's disgusting.

It's good to go when they don't fall off. So we meet this woman, you know, sixth generation reindeer herder. She takes us around, she tells us all these facts about the reindeer. We have a finished drink, you know, all this kind of stuff. Six generation people, I think fucking have your own, have your own fucking thoughts. Fucking live a little right, step up, break the mold. Come on. Then they've recommended Rob. So this has been booked by the hotel, they recommended that in the day. Nice. They recommended

in the evening, the Aurora like Northern Lights. Yeah. Reindeer and Aurora experience. Yeah. Is this too much reindeer? I doubt it's a lot of reindeer in a day in it. Yeah, but they've recommended both of these. Yeah. Yeah. So we get in the car to go there pulls up at the same place, same woman. Same day. Same experience exactly. But just at night. No, no. Yeah, that is mental. She looked at us like we were.

Well, can you go, oh, it must have been a miscommunication. Because when you get there, you're like, oh, well, maybe it's something different. It's just the same woman. And then you're like, this is the exact same thing. This could be the thing that makes her change her career. This is the exact same facts that she told us six hours ago. Did you see the Northern Lights? No. Too cloudy. The Northern Lights are fucking scaring me. It's just a bit green. It's not really too cloudy. Don't get so fucked. Looks better on a camera, don't bother. Don't bother. So we did it twice in a day. Poor woman must have been thinking, who are these fucking weirdos that are turning up

to my reindeer? Did the kids like it? Yeah, but even the second time, they were a bit less engaged with feeding the reindeer. Once you fed the reindeer once in a day, to do it at night times, neither here nor there, really. Yeah. So then the next day, Rob, we go and see Santa. Oh, lovely. How's he looking?

Big couple of months coming up for him. I would say, if I could give you any tips on going to Lapland, it is a beautiful place. Yeah. All of the Christmas stuff, I thought was, I'm gonna say it, dog shit. Can I, I'll be honest, because I went when I went I wasn't the scenery stunning. It's unbelievable. It's one of the

most beautiful places I've ever seen. But again, anything that's the Christmassy stuff is a bit tacky and sheer. Yes. So the Finnish are lovely people, but they're quite, especially close to the Russian border. They're quite stern. So it's quite efficient and yep, no, it's not like soft Christmasy vibes. I'd have killed for that on this. It was the opposite end of the spectrum. Oh, they were too happy. Some of these fucking elves, mate.

They don't stop, do they? Right. So we get on the bus. These elves are talking to me, I'm like, let me just enjoy the bus trip. We get there, we get off the bus. This has been recommended as the best Santa experience, right? He's the main guy, that's where he lives, isn't he, obviously? Exactly, yeah. So then it snowed, right?

So maybe you're walking through a snowy forest, right? I'd say you can't, that's not a selling point, because the whole of Lapland through a snowy forest, right? I'd say you can't, that's not a selling point because the whole of Lapland is a snowy forest. You've got to jazz it up slightly, couple of fairy lights, make it look- Yeah, because you know when you get to Lapland, UK, and it's all snowy, that's impressive because you were just in Reading.

But when you've come from Lapland, to just go to another bit of Lapland, that's not the sale. No, I would say the actual Christmas experience at Lapland UK is better than actual Lapland. My daughter said, I wish we'd gone to see Father Christmas at Lapland UK. I don't even know how she knows the branding name. We got there, we're taken by some elves, the full credit to the elves. They are making the best of a bad situation. Right. The whole thing felt like one of those, you know, the apprentice task, yeah, where they've got a light put on a guided tour, and they're out of their depth. And it's like cutting to tourists. Yeah, like, who are like, what the fuck is this? So we get there,

we go into the elf workshop. It is 4000 degrees is so hard. It's unbearable. Everyone's got their massive coats on. Everyone's got their massive coats on. And there's a big fire in the middle that is just so hot. We've got these gingerbread biscuits. We all know we're going to decorate them. We can see the decorations on the table. There's like this 20-minute spiel where they're telling you about life as an elf. And you're like, come on, mate.

And then we leave this room, yeah, after having certificates and you're like, mate, we were in there about half an hour. The next thing that happened, they said, we're gonna take you to see the reindeer, right? One elf, five families, we're just walking through the snow. See, we have a load of other families, yeah.

I reckon we walked a kilometer through the fucking snow. Right, yeah. And it's amazing how, once you are somewhere like kilometer through the fucking snow. Right, yeah. And it's amazing how once you are somewhere like that that's really snowy, how much walking through snow is a fucking pain in the ass. I've been doing it all day. You can't be selling this as a bit of it. The elf was like, let's have a snowball fight with the kids. There's all these kids throwing snowballs at the elf.

You're like, you can't sell this as entertainment. Throw snowballs at me. This poor elf taking a fucking pounding. At one point she has to stop the walk to say, please do not throw them at my face. Throw them at any other part of my body, but not on my face because it's too cold. Get to the reindeer. They're not there. It's just an empty field. Right. And you've said you've had enough of reindeer. Yeah. Yeah. To be honest, I'm also disappointed anyway. And then we get to the next building. Right. There's five families. We're just stood outside. And they're like, should we build some snowmen? You're like, this is not entertainment for fuck. You're now just, we built a snowman this morning at our hotel. And now you're just asking us to build a snowman. That doesn't count as entertainment.

That's not Father Christmas experience. That's just what can we do in the snow? There's five families, right? So they're like, they number us up, we're number five. And then they're taking us in one at a time. We just stood outside now. Elf is like trying to make entertainment for us. And they're like, let's jump on the spot to keep warm. This is where it feels

like an apprentice task. They're just filling time. And then did you ever play that game at school, which was like a warmup game we used to play in drama called Zip Zap Boing? And you'd always stand in a circle and you'd be like zip and then it would pass, it's like pass on or you bounce it back with boy. She's like, let's play that. But it's elf troll snowball or something, right? We're all stood in a circle and you're like, this poor elf's fucking giving it something. Is it just you and your family and the elf at this point?

No, it's four families, right? But slowly the families are peeling off. It gets to the last two families and then Rose walks off because she's carrying my son and he's like doesn't want to play then my daughter doesn't want to play. I'm like now I'm stood in a fucking forest playing zips at boing with a family I don't know and a woman dressed as an elf. What is going on in my life? Just stood there. This family must be thinking, who's this fucking bloke who stood with me? Eventually they go in and then we get, we're with this elf and she's like, have you got any questions about life as an elf? And you're

like, well, you're not even an elf. And then they're like, right, we're ready. So we get to the building. But yeah, do the girls, do the kids think they're an elf though? Afterwards my daughter was like, I just want, this was her words, I just wanted the elves to leave us alone. Honest, I, look, when I did that episode of ROM, that the elf, so we had, we worked with her for four days. She didn't come out we were for four days she didn't come out character in four days. These elves are sweating buckets.

Even off camera. Yeah. Oh, like we'll have lunch. And I'd be like, Oh, we'll have that sound local. And I was like, Oh, do you do reindeer here? Or is it? No, no, I only have carrots and I have special elf broth. And I'm like, mate, it's lunch. I'm just interested in that fucking reindeer. You're not fucking Daniel Day Lewis, man. Come out of character. But these elves, it is not their fault. They are sweating buckets trying to keep this show on the road. Do you know what I mean? Then we get to the Santa building. We still can't go in. We're

hand on to another elf. Elves, have you got any questions about life as an elf? My kids aren't interested on asking any questions. So I'm now interviewing an elf about life as an elf while my family stand around bored. So you're asking questions, you're asking the questions. I'm asking questions just to keep it going. Do you know what I mean? I'm like, what's life like as an elf? You know, what do you eat? All this crap. Then we get in, we do the Santa experience. The Santa experience is short. And then Santa, guess what he says?

Have you got any questions about what it's like to be Santa? Stop asking us if we got any fucking questions. I'm not Louis Theroux. Like, it's like to be Santa. Stop asking us if we got any fucking crown. I'm not Louis Theroux. Like, it's unbelievable. Help turn off hesitation, turn off doubt, turn off fears. With your support, the YMCA of Greater Toronto helps people turn off whatever's holding them back so they can let their potential shine.

Help turn on confidence and connections and possibilities from youth shelters to job training, mental health counseling and beyond. The YMCA offers hundreds of programs that empower people to shine their brightest. See our charity's impact at ymcagta.org slash charity. I didn't want to say it before you went and didn't want to like put it in your head,

but like I was being speaking to Lou about doing it because I was out there, I was like, I would rather do a Lapland UK with the kids for the Christmasy stuff, but then in like a February half term, just go to, not have to do skiing as such, but go to somewhere like this where you can do sledging and snowballs and- My kids loved the snow. And it's nice being outside together and fires. They loved all that. They loved's nice being outside together and fires. They loved all that. They loved the cold clothing, all of that.

The next day, Rob, I'm going to send you some videos. We went to a place called Santa Village that we were told was incredible. Oh, I've been... Is that where you can actually see when it's the Arctic Circle, whatever it's called? Yeah, Rob, look at this. I'll send you some videos. This looks like the apprentice. This looks like something that would end up in the Daily Mail as people ripped off. Yeah, like so this we're not ripped off because it was free to go.

But look at this. You had a good time though. We had a great time. But this Christmas stuff is just Oh, it's just that icy little playground. Icy little playground. How's this? I'll just give you a little feeling of for the this is what the whole thing looks like. Everything's a gift shop.

Yep. Absolute dead mode unlocked 500 here. Anyway, one last thing, Rob. But advice, before you do that, you would say. Advice. Because I'm glad you've done it as well now. Because I think we look at stuff differently. But I would say, save your money and do a Lapland UK.

And then go somewhere snowy in January, February, or December. It was like, if you want, actually, if you wanted to go there and enjoy the reindeer and maybe go on a husky ride and see the northern lights like it's almost like it would be better as adults do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like and not doing the Christmas stuff but I didn't enjoy the Christmas stuff. Well maybe that because we don't want to put we don't want to like put a poo poo down on this for people going that have spent a lot of money. No, no, because my kids had a fucking, my daughter said this is the best holiday I've ever been on, but that was before the Santa experience.

Now what you'd say is maybe don't, if you're going now and you've got stuff booked, obviously see a Santa, but maybe do some research on the one you see and focus more on the winter sports stuff as opposed to 100% Christmas the whole time you're there. And as a Christmas stuff, I'd say do a thing where you meet some reindeer and do some things where you meet some husky stuff where it's actual like animal-y stuff that isn't just like tacky Christmas stuff. That Santa village is shit. I've been there.

Because also when you go to that Santa village, I think it ruins it for the kids because there's signs. It's like Vegas with Elvis. Yeah, it is. Santa here. And there's all signs on the road. Because there's about a thousand different Santas you can meet there. Anyway, Rob, journey home. Can I just quickly tell you about the journey home?

Can I just tell you one more thing? Yeah, go on. My daughter's pen leaked in the bed I was sleeping in. Oh, no. You've got a picture of your body covered in ink? Yeah, I have got a picture of my body covered in ink. Oh my god, it really is. That's after a shower as well. You look like a smurf. Anyway Rob the good news got the plane home. Yeah. Got to Helsinki 20 minutes late for a 45 minute swap over or whatever you call it. We had to run all the way across the airport. It's a big

airport Helsinki to Robin Hood. Yeah it's fucking miles. That Helsinki change. Managed to make it onto the plane. Got to Heathrow, our luggage was still in Helsinki. Oh no. So anyway, we're in a hotel tonight because our house hasn't got a kitchen or a bathroom. So why are you in two rooms if you just hired one for the podcast? Because yeah, Michael, I obviously haven't got a laptop or a mic. And so Michael hired another room, which he's fitted out as a beautiful podcast studio for me.

What a guy. What a guy. So that's what you're doing and they're in another, well, they're at school, aren't they? They're upstairs. Well, they'll be going to, they'll be on their way to school. They'll be doing this early, 8 a.m. start. Yeah.

Wow, Josh. I'd say it's the best and worst holiday, like in terms of the kids loved it, but some of it was so, so weak. Did you do any of the ice, the saunas? I had a sauna, Rob, but that was mainly to get the ink off my body. Fair enough. Right, Josh, let's do a small business. Oh, here's a Santa one.

Here we go. We're doing Christmasy ones. Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael, long time listener, first time emailer. I wanna give a small business shout out to said wife's new venture, Santa CCTV. It's a great little idea that helps to bring the magic of Santa into your house on Christmas day.

Visit the website, Santacctv.co.uk and upload pictures of the outside and inside of your house. And we will send you a two minute personalized video of Santa walking around the house delivering presents. That's good. Young kids will love the magic of seeing the big fella in your house. And you can show them he's been on Christmas morning.

Oh, that's really good. That's good. And she's offering parents and her listeners 20%. Yes, 20% even off the original 50% discount this year. Thanks for the podcast. You made us both laugh and a good proportion of our friends as we stumbled through the parenting life and realized we're all winging it. Say sexy relatable Mark in Sheffield. That's good. Santa's CCTV. Really good. Good morning Rob, Josh and Michael. Please can I have a small business shout out for my super talented sister-in-law, Caroline's

business, Alf and the Walnut. She makes beautiful personalized children's wall art prints encompassing the child's name where each letter is formed by a picture of an animal that starts with that letter. All images are individually hand drawn and digitally reproduced to ensure high quality and even color. These prints make a lovely personal gift for any occasion, in brackets, perfect for Christmas. Lovely.

Please check the business out online, as I'm sure this will be of interest to lots of your listeners. Facebook, Alf on the Walnut, Instagram, Alf on the Walnut, website, Alfonthewalnut.co.uk, or Alfonthewalnutatetzi.com. Thanks in advance, and thanks for brightening up my

long commute, Kelly. Right, see you next week. Bye.