Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S9 EP33: Josh moves back home

Episode Date: December 17, 2024

More misadventures in parenting, life, and beyond with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe... Please follow and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available free everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping.

And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with advice and of course tales of parenting woe. Because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing. Hello you're listening to Parenting Hell with say Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett. And can you say Josh Whittekam? Josh Whittekam. And what are we watching right now? Buttlers from Bluey. They're Australians. Ah, there we go.

The Buttlers from Bluey. That is Michael showing that he's used a recent one. Well you know what that means? What? Basically what you said. Sorry, I've been distracted. You told me off my mouse being loud and I thought, do you know what I'll do is I'll quickly order off a website a mouse mat. Obviously a thousand options, obviously overwhelmed, obviously going to order the wrong size, but

just panic press order. Surely they're standardized sizing, aren't they? No, I've got five options of sizing. I've got five options of length and 12 colors. don't think anyone's bought a mouse man a decade Well, this is more like a map that you put you like what I need is a map that goes across the desk So that my keys and stuff aren't loud because it's wood do you do your mouse for the listener of? Okay now sounds like you're sanding down a work top. Yeah, and this is me dropping my keys And now this is me dropping it on a soft bit of leather like thing. I've got it

Better in it. Do you know what? It's like it's like you work for one of those sound effects departments on radio 4 or something Do you know I mean like you're doing a radio play? That was always a dream. Yeah, here we go All good. We'll get back on track. Sorry. That is bad. I might be off. Well, you had to go at me for my squeaky shoes before we started. I know. And you shoot. That's mental. That's not, oh, that's awful.

That is bad. I reckon we've lost half of our listenership from that squeak. Why are you, you had squeaky shoes. Everyone laughed at your squeaky shoes on an Instagram video of you dancing. So I gave you new shoes. You've stopped wearing them, which is an absolute slap in the face of the adidas man. No, it's not.

You're back in your squeaky Nikes. He listens as well. And why are you sat in a hotel room recording this because you've got no kitchen, we know that but you can't work from home. Why have you still got your shoes on in a hotel room? Kick back, relax, let the bloody chat roll. Right. So I deal with those 16 questions in sequence. And then we'll go back to Bluey.

Yeah, right. Okay. Question one. So yeah, why am I wearing the Nikes? Because I wanted because we're moving a load of stuff. We've been doing the house. I have you. Yeah. So so I'm wearing old trainers. Yeah. So you're clearing rubbish away. So you don't know where you're nice new ones. These are my, the old trainers I wear,

I don't know about other people, some people might buy specific bad trainers for stuff, mine just when they reach a level they get relegated to being the trainers I use for stuff. So why do you wear the old battered ugly trainers that you buy to move stuff on telly? This is a bit of fun, this is a bit of fun. We can all enjoy that.

That's boxed off. You've explained. Because I've got because I'm carrying two other people on the last leg. So right. Okay. That's question one. That's fine. And then we haven't upset Adidas. We kept night might be annoyed, but they are an older pair. So that makes sense. It's so awful. Take a lot of sleep. Take your shoes off. I can't relax. Josh, I respect both

brands. Josh is very busy for you at the moment. You've got a lot going on. Look at this is a moment to relax. Pop your top off. Pop your top off as well. Put those old trousers there. Get your jumper off. Have you got a t-shirt under your jumper? No. Again, what's this new thing? I tell you Rob, I can't answer all these questions through the other questions. Sorry.

So we're back in our house. Well you're not, you're in a hotel room. I'm in a hotel. To do this because it's too loud. To do this because there's, well I can show you a picture of my office. It would be difficult Rob, for me to do this in the office. Okay.

I'll show you a picture of the office. Josh, I thought at some point, we'd get to a point where this was quite a slick operation. Yeah, well so did I. But I don't think it's ever gonna change, is it? I am trying to respond to your questions. No, no, no, I'm not having, no, no, I'm not, I'm not having a go at you for the lack of response.

I'm saying, just I'm ordering a mouse, Matt. You've got squeaky shoes. You're not in your house. I don't think any podcast can be blamed for having squeaky shoes. Oh my god. Your office looks like a hoarder's home. I know. It's horrible.

But it doesn't look bad enough. If someone walked around your house now, they'll go, Cor, he works in a weird way. Do you want, Rob, to see the room we've been sleeping in as a four for the last two nights? Yes, please. Oh, Josh, this is horrible. Do you need an intervention? It's dangerous!

Josh, your house, you're back in your house, but you shouldn't be. You can't have a toddler living in that. Well, we only sleep there. You know, sometimes they release body cam footage of police and they show our officers entered a flat where two children were being treated like this. Luckily they've been taken and they were the right... So the thing is Rob, some of the rooms in our house are now done. But why aren't you in any of them?

Sorry. So my daughter's room is done. Done. Yeah, but she doesn't want to sleep in there on her own while the rest of the family sleep in a different room because she doesn't want to feel away from the family, which I totally respect. You're in a loft are you or some sort of to feel away from the family, which I totally respect. You're in a loft, are you? We're in the loft along with everything. You know how the Detroitian... Is that a loft conversion though?

Yeah, yeah, a loft conversion. Yeah, yeah. So we've got our sitting room back. We've got a Christmas tree up. That's nice. There we go. Today the kitchen is being... The fridge is on.

The fridge is on. The fridge is on. Today the cooker is being, the fridge is on. Today the cook, the fridge is on. Today the cooker is being plumbed in. Gas? Gas'd in. New cooker or the same one that you ordered ages ago? Same one, same one. Best bit of bastard to lift and move in it. Oh my God, don't, not my problem.

But that fridge yesterday, I had to get that into place. That was fucking difficult. Did you have to move the fridge? Well, we were, I didn't know. The joiner was like, we could put that in place now if you want to help me. And I was like, yeah, a hundred percent. Let's just do this. So it is genuinely on the way. And I was in high spirits yesterday.

You're like a new man from last time. I feel like I'm so glad it's happened. It's not there yet, but it's happening. You can see it. It's happening. Yeah. Great. Great for morale. It's great for morale. But it's happening. You can see it. It's happening. Yeah. Great. Great for morale. It's great for morale.

Wow. It is good. It's that feeling of, you know when, you know when... When you've got like a fridge. You've got a fridge. You don't understand. That feeling when you've got a fridge. You know when you're like, you know when you're in the room that you dump all your crap in

and you're just sleeping on top of DuVez or on the floor? It's that feeling. Do you know what Rob? As you lay your head down next to a Hoover and a big bag of spanners. I did wake up in a bad mood this morning because I'm on the floor with my son. Why don't you sleep in your daughter's room with your son? He snores so badly that we've got an appointment next week to see if he's got sleep apnea. Right.

Okay, right. He's genuinely at points I'm worried he's suffocating. Okay. Okay. So what, but why can't, why is that stopping you from sleeping just with him? Wouldn't that be better than the other two other people get better sleep?

What if I go in my daughter's room? With your son? Well, no, no, no, I could go my daughter's room with my daughter Yeah, all that I suggested that last night, but by that point so my daughter Bottled it on our room. We've got a room already yesterday Yeah, and then she was worried to tell us after all it's strange term that we're on talk sport. Yeah. Yeah, that's right It was the bottle job actually like we're on talk sport. Yeah, yeah, that's right. It was the wrong term. A little bottle job. Because actually, she then took me aside

to tell me that she didn't want to sleep in her room. And I told her that I was really proud of her for being able to say that rather than- That's good. Rather than trying to front it out and getting upset. That's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I told her that.

So I don't want to sleep in my room sometimes. Lou goes to bed early. I just lay there staring, rolling about. I don't want to be in here. I find that's nowhere to go. Do you ever, I'm laying in a gun. Oh, for fuck's sake. You get out and I can put the telly on and turn the lights off for a bit.

It's quarter to 10. Yeah, so I might try and sleep on my daughter's floor tonight. But the problem with that is, Rob. Why can't you sleep in the bed with her? Cause she's on a fucking cabin bed. So basically you've got two options of floor. I, in my head was like, there's a nice bed that you could get in the bed. You'd be on the floor anyway. So you're not bothered. Okay. I got it. Although I am in a trench with my son who sounds like he's suffocating next to me.

The bedroom's not, it's genuinely, I would call that a dangerous place to sleep. I would call that a dangerous place to walk through. Well, it's got a lot of padding on the floor because there's bed everywhere. I'd say when I pause it, okay, there's a bed and then there's like a trench and there's like rags on the floor. But then next to like the rags, which I think you're sleeping on is a pack of nappies what says a metal frame with sharp edges and then that's a desk that needs putting up but there's not the room for at this moment and then next to it is a which is the most mental thing I've ever seen in a bedroom

is the bottom tray of a dishwasher filled with cutlery and plates is the bottom tray of a dishwasher filled with cutlery and plates. You are very, you are... Do you want the story behind that or do you want to guess why that's there? Um, I genuinely don't think I could guess. Okay. And obviously loads of picture frames that aren't up like everybody's else. That's what we've got. Of course.

I like everybody's. Okay. So the reason there's half a dishwasher full of crockery there. And I'll tell you, rammed full, not one plate rammed. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Is it clean? Yes, it is clean.

When the builders came in, they cut off the dishwasher before telling us. Yep. So there was a full dirty dishwasher. Right. And the only taps that were on at that point were in the loft. Right. And the only taps that were on at that point were in the loft. So I had to take the tray of the dishwasher up to the loft and do a dishwasher's worth of crockery. In the sink.

In the sink. So now that's clean next to the bed. So now that's clean up there. Lovely. We've got a new dishwasher, obviously. So because we're in the new kitchen, so now that tray is, we're going to get rid of that tray. But the kitchen's not in a position to put the plates back in. The kitchen's in a position to put the plates back in tomorrow.

So until tomorrow. That all, yeah, sure. Because I always say it's quite dangerous to have an upturned knife in the cutlery little bag you get in case you slip and fall on it. I never thought about where the knife should be positioned when you're sleeping fall on it. I've never thought about where the nice to position when you're sleeping next to it. It's no knives in there because I had to take the cutlery drawer downstairs because we need there's a cutlery for dinner.

Could I say something? I may have been a bit harsh to you last couple of weeks. Can I say well done? You are you are doing so well. Can I also say thank you? Because I thought my life was chaotic this week. I feel like I'm fucking floating through life. You're sleeping next to the bottom tray of the dishwasher that doesn't exist anymore.

It's fucking mental. At least stack it up and throw away the tray. You don't need the tray. Where am I going to stack it? Good point. The tray is a good stand. It's a great, arguably the best possible stand for all cutlery. And also it's helpful when I carry it, finally carry it downstairs. That tray is going to be invaluable.

Of course, of course. Oh, right. Oh, bloody hell, mate. Why don't you just bunk it out? We've, we've had a hotel room for you to do this in. Why don't you just stay in here tonight? Because we're bored of taking our stuff out the house. Like we're trying to unpack so that everything's unpacked.

I can't pack up into more suitcases again. You can't pack up again. You can't get that jigsaw packed up. So we've got a sitting room now. We've got a sitting room now. We've got my daughter's got a bedroom that she won't use, even though it's the nicest room in the house. Wow.

So I also I'm recording this in a hotel for obvious reasons. So this morning, I left my wife, my wife. I left my wife. I left Rose. I left that up. That's what Stephen Bartlett would do. That'd be on my phone now. I left my wife.

Cut that. Get it out. Pump it out. Do the research on it. Get the feedback. Run the analytics. Let's get that going. Let's go viral.

So I left my wife this morning, doing our son's bedroom. That's unpacking and sorting out because all the carpentry has been done, it's all been painted so you can get the stuff back out in the... You've basically packed up and unpacked your entire house. Yeah, exactly. I underestimated. You've basically refurbished a whole house, essentially. Not fully from an expense point of view, but the fundamentals of like, oh, that needs to be painted and that cupboard needs to be stuck. Everything's got to come out and go into the middle and then back out again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a big job.

Yeah. So I turned up at the hotel. Right. Michael's put a card behind. We'll get back to Bluey. Yeah, we'll fuck it now. Michael's put a card behind the, not the bar, the reception. You know, like, so I have to go up and I'm like,

and this worked fine in the last hotel, but when I got here, I didn't know what to, I said, my friend's checked in, he's put a car behind for me. Can I tell you what you've done wrong there? And you're just like, yeah. Yeah, you just don't say friend, say, I'm here for a work. I didn't know whether I was allowed

to use the hotel room for work. Like suddenly I was like, people use hotels, horrible things. Do you know what it feels like? I read a book about the an IRA bombing. I think it's just reading. Can I say I think everyone says reading is good. I don't think it is for you. It was fascinating. One of the it was very similar to the way Michael does the hotel room for me, in that the guy checked in and set up the hotel room and then the mechanic came in and did the hotel. And so there was all this going on within this hotel room. So that's going through my head as I'm in reception.

So you think that the person checking you in thinks you're part of the IRA? No, well, not anymore, obviously, because they're now demilitarized. But maybe I don't know. I wouldn't know, not read the book. Yeah, but that's, you know demilitarized but maybe I don't know not read the book yeah no but that's that's you know the ra aren't still bombing um good news I've never actually experienced an accidental partridge live before that was a live action that was I felt like I was live within a meme. You've gone viral in my own head.

I love it. Okay, so yeah, it's a bit awkward to try and explain. So I've got it. Yeah, I essentially I said, look, there's another card under my head. I had to show some ID, etc. So I've got in, here I am. Yeah, squeaky shoes off. I'm in the hotel room.

Relaxing. Squeaky shoes off, relaxing to the podcast. And then it's straight onto the Christmas fair. I'm gonna use the shower here, cause- Have you got running water at home? Yeah, we have. Oh, that's good. Bathrooms?

Yeah, we've got some of our bathrooms. Well, all you need is one, innit? Yeah, but it's the one right at the top of the house, so it's a bit stressful. Yeah, you have to step over the bread knife. Mind the bread knife on your ass as you get out the shower. While I'm here. The bread knife's downstairs by now. Who's got the air fryer in the toilet? I can tell you why the bread knife's downstairs because I used it to chop a branch off the Christmas tree last night. So yeah, so you're going to the Christmas fair. The school Christmas fair after this, yeah.

Looking forward to that. Well when I told my daughter, I was really proud of her for articulating her worries. She took it as a real chance to maybe show me some other worries and really prove to me that she's good at that. It is a little bit of a thread you can pull out to the point where they start to think of them. Yeah, yeah. It felt like she was brainstorming for wiries. I was talking to my daughter the other night, it was like, yeah, and then it's because she said something that was worrying about school, which is a fair worry. And then she went in at school,

I was eating some cherries and a girl laughed and said, there's red around your mouth. I was like, well, yeah, like when you eat cherries, you do get, there's red around your mouth. Yeah, like, when you eat cherries, you do get a bit of red around your mouth. She was probably just saying that it was red. Yeah, but she said it looked funny. I was like, yeah, but if someone's got red around the mouth, it's quite funny. Like that is a fair observation. Exactly. Yes. She said she was worried I was going to be late for the

school fair. So I'm- What time's the school fair? Three. I'll be fine. I told school fair. So I'm- What time's the school fair? Three. I'll be fine. I told her that. Oh, that's a time. Yeah, yeah. But there's a real insistence on this because she doesn't wanna, because it's a token based

situation. Right. So until your parent arrives, you haven't got any tokens to buy the cakes or do the things. Do you know what I mean? Right. Okay. Yeah.

Let's go back to the intro and do that. And then I could tell you about the Christmas Carol. Oh my god, let's go back to the intro. Sorry, these people are Australian. This is our seven year old Amelia, who is too old to be cute. Fair enough. Fair, fair, fair. That was her words. We just watched the Bluey mini episode butlers starring you both and Alex Brooker. We're here in Brisbane. Ooh, Brizzy. Have you been to Brisbane? Yeah, mate, Brizzy. I jumped, they've got nice little

ferries that go around the rivers, you can jump on and off went to an ice park, had a lovely ice cream. PS, sexy voice Michael made a great butler, our five year old Georgia fell asleep on the couch. So we chose the seven year old to do the intro. Fuck it, how intense competition. We moved back to Australia from London mid COVID with our girls, who at the time three years old and nine months old. Fuck it now. Including having to do two weeks quarantine in a hotel upon return from the UK.

That quarantine thing was mental, wasn't it? That is brutal. Two weeks just in a hotel. So we absolutely understand lockdown parenting hell. I've loved the podcast from the start. We got tickets to your tour, Rob and Josh come visit. Yes, we'd love to see you too. Love the podcast. Don't ever stop. We can't wait for the teenagers Emma too many months to bother to count from Brisbane in Australia. Brisbane, Brisbane. Yes, we're in the mini episode butlers. I totally forgot and we don't know Rob.. And I presumed they junked it. It was about two years ago.

We did that. People asked me which character was I was like, I don't even remember doing it. I presumed it had been junked. I thought we'd been there because I need to go with that. Oh, a little bit of a collab coming up. Radio silence. So don't say that again. Rob, it looks like we're out the fucking door.

We're actually elbowed out here. But we're on it. Have you ever had it? Have you ever had something not go out? It's a brutal feeling, Rob. I've had loads of shows canceled, but nothing I've made that's not been aired. I've had stuff moved around the schedule.

Oh yeah, the old classic. We love it so much, we're gonna take it off prime time. Interesting approach, okay. I did an interview, Rob, for a very popular podcast and I thought it went quite well. Yeah. And it just never saw the light of day. Which podcast? Bleep it out Michael. Really? And then a year later, the person who ran the podcast emailed me and said, sorry, it just, the dates didn't work and now the promo you were doing is out of date.

Really sorry, genuine apology. Would you want to do it again? And we'll put it out this time. Just put that one out. And I said, yeah, I'd love to do it again. Happy to do it next time promoting something. Never heard from him again. Weird.

Weird. Don't look into it. But I'll be honest with you, the way I podcast, if I've recorded it, it's getting fucking pumped out. I don't care if I'm interviewing a boxer that asks us, do you have children? Yeah, we do actually. I am sweating my bollocks off. I've got to open a window. How are you Rob? You've just opened, you just lifted up your t-shirt. I'm off to my top. Looks like I've got a commentary shirt. Let me open something here. Right, I've opened a window now, should cool down.

How am I? Busy, we've been very busy. I'd say morale's low in the Beckett house. Oh no! No, but not in a bad way, just more of a... We're plodding along to Christmas. It's just a bit... Lou's very busy at the moment. She's got some work stuff, which is great and stuff, but we've got so much... We've got the girls' birthdays, which have gone well, but there's so many like Nativity performances,

Carol concert performances, there's a school Christmas fair to go to, or this or that, or any site. Maybe I'm, I see other families and I look at them and I just think, are you sort of like on top of what's going on? Because I feel like my entire life is like chaos. And I'm like on the back of like a wild horse and just holding on and holding on to living the kids and just be like,

hopefully it will slow down in a minute, but it doesn't, it continues at a gallop. Yeah, it doesn't slow down. No, and I want to know, is that- Is anyone on top of it? Well, exactly. Do you know when people- They're just a house where it looks tired. Do you know these people? And I have so much respect for these people.

They'll go, the Christmas card for the teachers from the class, I'll do the collection, just transfer me the money and I'll sort it out. I mean, because I do none of that. The card will be behind reception. If someone tasked me with that, I would go, I cannot deal with this. How am I expected to buy two Christmas cards and put them behind reception now? I think that those people are just maybe a bit more like love organizing. They must be so together.

Because when I was class rep for a bit, that's never come back again. I'm just, I'm living in the WhatsApp groups now because it changes so much. I've got, I mean, one WhatsApp group about five a side of football. Right? These people are so incredibly organized. Yeah, but how do they do it? When? These people are so incredibly organized. Yeah, but how do they do it? When?

I just look at my house and the kind term is lifting. There's just fucking shit everywhere. Seeing your dishwasher tray really helped, by the way. Because whatever's happening in my house, I'm not sleeping next to my knife and forks. Well, to repeat, the cutlery's downstairs because we've started using that again. Yeah, because I just feel like it's this constant chaos

of stuff that's going on. But I don't know if that's just everyone. Because I would love a little, you know, COVID lockdown, I'd love a little two-weeker. Just a little circuit break. Would you? With your kids, wouldn't it get more difficult? Nah, not at this age.

Piece of piss. For two weeks. It'd be fucking great. Everyone could catch up on sleep. We could play in the garden. We'll just get muddy, mess about, sort the house out. I feel like such a boomer, but I saw a little Instagram reel of this bloke who's got his head in his hands.

And he was like, I just need a day off in between each day so I can recover from yesterday and get ready for tomorrow. And that's where I'm at. Is it? That makes me feel so much better. Because from the outside, I think you're Christmas ready. You know, you've had your tree up for four weeks. Yeah, I know.

I do feel Christmas ready, but I just feel like every day, like up early, kids to school, come back, walk the dog, come back, do the podcast, get on a train into London, meetings, go up, do the radio show, come back, feel, go up there, talk, boom, come right. Oh, OK, there's a bulb, we need that bulb's gone, need to get bulbs. Plumber, plumber's coming at 7. Are you in at 7.30 for the plumber? There's delivery coming because we need to get that because they're coming around next week. So we need the toy for that, for that present for that.

What's that there? Why is that there? What's that? But you know, it's just like, just shit. I'm like, look, on my desk at the moment, I've got a toilet, a toilet reindeer that my daughter made that she got upset about because she couldn't have it at the Christmas carols I'll tell you about. I've got a digital camera, I'm supposed to be getting the photos off for my daughter's because they took some photos. I've got a laptop charger and I don't know how to log into, that Lou leads to write something.

And I've just got shit everywhere. Look behind me, look at the coats, I'm not even having any work done. So I just feel a bit like it's chaos. Because my, the thing that's, and this is what worries me, is the thing that's driving me through the moment, is I do think once we get to the other side, maybe it's going to be easy.

And it's not, is it? I do think December is a particularly difficult time because the weather's depressing. You're expected to do a lot more things socially or with family and school. Your kids' expectations are so high and you wanna make sure that they're having a brilliant time the whole time.

You wanna make sure you're enjoying it. You wanna make sure you see everyone. You've gotta make sure, like, there's so many to-do things. Get that sorted, buy them that, buy this. Everything gets more expensive for people that, you know, they're going out and drinking and eating. You're not eating and drinking, not exercising. Crucially, you lose the last third of December. So you're trying to get it all done by about the 20th.

Yes. Normally you have a month to do all these things. But now I'm like, you know, sorting out paying for whatever or whatever. Normally you have a month to do all these things, but now I'm like, you know, sorting out, paying for whatever or whatever. All the shopping. Yeah, because you don't want to be doing your shopping on Christmas Eve. No, no, exactly.

So now I'm fine, but it's just like the kids are tired because they went, oh, we went to the, they do this school Christmas carol thing when they're in like year three and upwards. My daughter missed it last year because she was unwell. It was an absolute blessing in disguise. Basically, they make all the kids go to the church down the road from the school.

Freezing cold, massive church, right? They're in it all morning freezing their bollocks off. Right, my daughter was like, absolutely freezing. And then you have to pick her up from school at like 3.30 or whatever, then drop her back to a church at 5.30 that then you're allowed to be in from six to watch an hour long performance of carols.

Right. And that ain't a bit of me, Josh. And it's like, also, like, you've got to have all the church shit going on. And it's not even a religious school. I'm not religious. I know Christmas is religious. So it's like, I'm having to listen.

And then something that annoys me about priests or vickers, and I don't know which one it was, they refuse to use a PA system in a church, like some sort of old school, I can deal with this. They're always too quiet, that mumbling their way for a reading. You can't hear them, they don't project, get on the fucking mic mate, we've had the mic out because there's a four year old doing a reading, I heard her, can't hear you. So he's mumbling his way through,

I'm sat there for an hour and then everyone's freezing cold, got've got the um, my daughter comes out to sing the way it's all pews and then the school has got a hall with rakes eating. So everyone, every performance I've ever been to that school, perfect. You can see your child, you can take a photo, you can watch it. I sat in a church hall for an hour, didn't see my daughter once and I was craning my neck like a fucking pervert. A pervert at a swimming bath. I was trying to get up, like, look, scooch up, stand up. I couldn't see her. So I was like, what's the point of taking them from a room that's warm, right, that you could use bang on 3.30 to a cold hall where you can't even see your fucking kid? What's the point? It's festive. It's festive, Rob.

What, not seeing your children? Yeah. It's not festive. You can be festive in a hall. And how about you stand up to sing? Why have I got to stand? Why have I got to stand up and sing? And then what annoys me is, right, Lou tells me off. And I try, cause you stand up to sing. Everyone sings. Does Lou like it?

I think she likes the whole, it is quite Christmassy, but you can't see your kid. I try and sing and it's like, Oh, little town of Bethlehem, Art the Angel, Art the Erald, right? And I'm singing and then Lou tells me off, because when I'm singing it's like, Oh, little town of Bethlehem. And I'm basically got a working class voice that's quite loud. So Lou goes, shush, shush. I can't sing like that. I'm like, well, that's how I sound. So then I go, oh, little town of Bentley. And he goes, stop doing that. You're putting on a voice. I'm like, that's the only two voices I fucking got. I could do my voice.

I like the second one. Exactly. But she thinks I'm taking a piss, but I'm not. I just sound like everyone else around me. Yeah. So what do you want me to do? People are bad singers in a church. That's the kind of thing, isn't it?

It's always tuneless. And then he's got his fucking bowl out for a donation, like he's doing the free fringe at the end. Fucking mind your neck, mate. You ain't short of a few, Bob. You've seen this guy. He's trying to buy a mic. Okay, here's 50 quid. Put the fucking radio out next year. It's freezing. So will you be going back next year? Well, I wouldn't. I don't really want to, but if my daughter asked me to, I will, but. Is it bad if you go,

guys, do you really want to do the cows? Or we can go sit them on. Where it's warm. Where it's warm and Home Alone's on, and that's festive. But no, it's not, I just think, I don't really want to sit there and watch, because it's a whole school, and I'm like, I don't care. So how much of it is your kid?

She was involved in two songs. She came out to sing and stood still, and then in front of her came out the year below doing a tableau. Still don't know what that is, and I've seen it. What's a tableau? They've all got costumes on and massive headdresses. So my daughter stood literally in front of her

is another child with a headdress on, because it's all flat, all flat. Everything's flat, so no one can see anything. See it in hand stage. Massive headdress on, because it's all flat, all flat, everything's flat, so no one can see anything, seating and stage. A massive headdress, can't see her. Then she come out to do jingle bells, there's only two songs she's done with her school, on the floor, on her knees, pretending to be a reindeer.

Lower than the pew, lower than the pew. A drone wouldn't have got a shot of her. It's a point. a drone wouldn't have got a shot of her. It's a point. We're all only here for our own children. Yeah. So my daughter was in the school Christmas show on Wednesday. It was very nice.

So they were doing a scene which was on a bus or train going to the North Pole. Can't remember. It was a train. It was a train. And it was kind of an amusing scene. It was a good scene actually. There were commuters who were, there were elves commuting to the North Pole. They were saying funny things commuters might say. So her line was about how they lived outside the North Pole because the house primes in the North Pole had gone through the roof. Lovely stuff.

I mean, yeah, really good. But they'd done it. They were all sat down in two rows. The reason I said bus is a bit like on a bus where they're all sat facing the same way. And then there were some stood commuters in the gangway, like you get on a packed tube. But that did mean she was sat at the back of the stage as someone stood in front of her. Yep. So when she came to say her line, everyone, they parted so she could say her lines, so people could see her. Perfect. And then they went back together. Yeah.

You're like, surely put the standards behind the sitters. We don't need the exact, like, at least they parted so we could see it. At we could see it. Let's not get bogged down in theatre, because I don't understand it. But at least they parted so we could see it. If I can't see my child... It was a lovely moment. She got a good... She nailed the line. It's perfect. Look Josh, if I can't see my child at Carol's service, I don't want to be at her service. Let me see my kid. Let me get a photo and let me leave. She wants to see me.

I want to see her. I don't want to go. I've had to change a lot of my diary to get to this event. And there's a point where I could have fucking blagged it because she couldn't see me anyway. I was thinking that actually during the thing, because all the parents are there. And we've got jobs that don't matter.

Like we can move them around. Yeah. Most of the time. Most of the time. Most of the time. Obviously if you've got a tour day in Liverpool. Yeah, or a filming day. Yeah, or a filming day that's been booked in for ages. But if you're doing this, or if you've got a meeting.

Day to day, I'd say day to day, we are lucky that we're slightly in charge of our diaries. So we had a lovely school show, Christmas show. That was good though, wasn't it? Yeah, she done well. We had, is they did the nursery one and then the school one, back to back. So basically I was doing, but it's like when you,

it's like going to watch two shows in a row in the same room in Edinburgh. Yeah. Got them in double mince pies. That's perfect. Absolutely, yeah, absolutely perfect. What a lovely afternoon. It was a classic, had to leave and come back in the situation.

You know, like you couldn't just sit there. No, everyone was ushered out. So I was like, I've got to go with the tide here. I can't just excuse me, but I've got another child here. Yeah, so I'm just gonna sit here for the I've got quite a good seat. I don't have to awkwardly passive aggressively maneuver myself in a little waiting room to be near the door that we all know opens that goes into the room so I can sit in the middle and take a photo The speed of parents heading in. I know. It's unbelievable. And the parents that stood at the back, I think, you must be f***ing fuming.

You must be... There is a little bit of politics about who gets it. There's always one f***ing little needy one. Do you know what I mean? Or like the panic dad that runs in halfway through. Yeah, that'll be me at the Christmas fair. My daughter, tokenless. At the carol concert, there was this blonde lady that runs in halfway through. Yeah, that'll be me at the Christmas fair. My daughter, tokenless. At the carol concert there was this blonde lady that came in she was like, can I sit there, sorry I missed the first bit. What ones have been on?

I think she was worried, she thought I might have missed it. She was like, oh my daughter's in year six. Oh okay, yeah, you know, year six have been on. There was one blonde girl that burst into tears and ran out the room. She went, what? I'm joking. I'm in a right little laugh at the back row I was. Amen. Now, no one ever knows when to say amen at a church service. No, no, they don't. Because you can't do it at the same time as the reader, but you can't go straight after because you've got to wait with the rooms. And I think, amen. So people are either dragging it out

for other people to catch up or they're going in quick to catch up with the people they've missed. What do you think, because we go for the festiveness on Christmas Eve, there's like a church service on our street, and my daughter loves to go, you sing a few carols, right? Right. And I always wonder, what does the vicar think of me? Do you know what I mean?

He's thinking, get that 10 quid out of your pocket and stick it on my tray. So is he thinking you fucking glory supporter, we don't see you 364 days of the year. I think he loves it. Turn up Christmasy. This is big gig. Is this live at the Apollo? Yeah.

This is big gig of the year. Yeah. So you think he's all right with it? He's not thinking. Look at these fucking none of these, none of them are believers. They're just here for the carols. Like when a lower league team gets an FA Cup away game at Newcastle and Man United. Yeah, exactly.

They're probably playing Newcastle and it's like, everyone's kicking off. It's like season ticket holders allowed one ticket so far and there's going to be loads of, yeah. But yeah, I think they're like, they're happy to have a full room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're happy to have a full room. Okay, yeah, yeah. They're happy to have a full room. Okay, cool. Wouldn't you? Yeah. Wow.

How do you feel if I turned up to your last Lake New Year's Eve special just to watch in the crowd? I think you, I would think you've lost your mind. If you, and that's not a reflection of the last lake. I'd love to do that. Just to fuck, yeah, it's not a reflection of the last night. I'd love to do that. I'd love to do that. It's just a... If one of my friends who was a comedian turned up to watch me at a TV record, I would go, what is wrong with you?

If when you'd done Big Fat Quiz of the Year, I text you and say, Rob, because you've sought me a couple of tickets in the audience. Me and Rose would love to come and watch. What would you have thought was going on? I would be like, is he all right? I'd have a ring you immediately. I think you'd have a psychotic episode. But that's the thing, because it so becomes your job that it's equivalent of like me ringing my mate who works at Sainsbury's and go, can I watch you do the shelves? I'll just sort of hang around. At least you don't work at Sainsbury's, so you might have an interest in how the Sainsbury's

works. It's like if you're a taxi driver and you said to your mate, it's my day off, could I come and ride in the back of your cab? Just enjoy you driving your cab. Well, yeah, it's weird. But no, I'm not going to come, so don't reserve me a seat. No, no, I won't reserve you a seat. How was the kids' nativity?

The Christmas show. Yeah, sorry, the won't reserve your seat. How was the kids' nativity? The Christmas show. Yeah, sorry, your sons, the nursery ones, sorry. The sons. Oh, so it was just like, they did some Christmas songs. It was great. He fucking loved it. He then, one of the parents videoed it

and put it on the WhatsApp group, and my son watched the full show back again. Oh, really? I mean, it was seven minutes, but like, you know, it was like four carols Yeah, oh, that's good any lines any speaking. Oh, I had a fucking nightmare after Rob Oh what happened so it was great and then we went into my daughter's show which had five or six more carols Yeah, yeah, and then we were walking away from the school afterwards to get in the car

My son said to me, what was your favorite song that we did? Oh. And I thought, fuck. And I said, I think Jingle Bells. And he said, we didn't do Jingle Bells. Oh, that's your first mistake. You should have said the last one.

Oh, that's, yeah, that's good. I wish you'd been there. I wish you'd been there before. Yeah, you're a good person to have been there before. I love the last one. I love the last one. What's your favorite line? What was your favorite bit to sing at the last one? He said we didn't do Jingle Bells, but because he's three, he doesn't realize that that's a hurtful thing for me to have not remembered. He just thinks, oh, he got that wrong. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. Keep telling yourself that. And then he watched the video yeah he was watching the video later they've done a fucking reworded different version of jingle bells what's the what see you did jingle bells and he was like let's do jingle bells now it's his fault is it no i'm not saying it's his fault They did 500 miles by the proclaimers in the school one, because it was about this trip to the North Pole and one of the years did, it was like a self-done musical, do you know what I mean? It's like a jukebox musical. Right, okay.

What's your Christmas plans? Because we've not actually spoke about this and this is going out just before Christmas. Are you at home? You're away? We're at home. We're at home. Who you got coming? We've got Rose's mom on Christmas Day, and then we're gonna have a few people around. Hopefully if they're if they're coming. Well, Adrian and the rest of the fucking building. Then we have a few people around from 8am till 5pm to do a little bit of helping.

AM till 5pm to do a little bit of helping. Yeah, it just gets it done quicker. We'll have a few people around. They've got keys so they can come and go. Last night, at 8pm I was eating my dinner. And I was like, fucking hell, there's a person at the back window. And then I realised there was just still a bloat there had been rendering the wall all day. And he just hadn't left. And I thought every hour since his mates had left, he was just outside rendering our back wall. Is it all done?

I don't know. I don't know what rendering is. So you've got people coming around Christmas Eve? No. So yeah, we will have people come around Christmas Eve for drinks. And then on Christmas evening, on Christmas Day, we're going to have some friends come around. Nice. Boxing day? Boxing day, Rose's sister and her partner and their daughter coming around. Nice, very nice. And veggie lasagna again? Yes, so we haven't booked in the absolute massive shit storm, we haven't booked a in the in the absolute massive shit storm. We haven't booked a delivery, a food delivery, so I'm going to have to do a big shop.

Where are you going? Just get around the village and get bits and bobs. No, no, we'll go Westfield Waitrose. Okay, fair enough. Why don't you do a personal appearance? Put it out on your Instagram. Hey guys, gonna be down in a wait Rose Westfield 23rd of December

The Christmas period Rob what is I don't know when he is I haven't I haven't got to look into it But I remembered it was happening the other day and I thought oh, am I still gonna do that? I was gonna do a live Instagram watch along of you on Celebrity Gladiators. That's New Year's Day. Is it? Yeah, I think New Year's Day is on. What time? Let me have a look. Yeah, so that, well, because we've got, yes, we've got some big shows this

year, I'll say, haven't we? Join me on Instagram on New Year's Day. I'm going to, if it's a reasonable time, I'm going to watch it on Instagram. I might see if some of your pals can drop in, Rob. Oh, you're gonna get Nitro in on a collab. I wasn't gonna get Nitro in on a collab, but that's a good idea. I might get Nitro in on a collab as like a pundit. You can judge it.

I was gonna see if Joel was available or, you know, Ramesh or Lloyd Griffith or someone might pop in for 10 minutes and slag you off. Just to slag me off. Yeah, so we've got, I think like New Year's Day that is. Strictly Come Dancing Christmas Special will be on Christmas. Christmas Day at 3.50.

Gladiators 6 p.m. New Year's Day for me. I'll try and be online. God knows whether I'll manage it, but I'll do an Instagram watch along. What a day that is. It's gladiators 6pm, then Gavin and Stacey the documentary about making the special and then at 8 o'clock the Traitors new series. Oh there we go. There we go. So much TV locked and loaded because we haven't been able to watch TV for six weeks. I'm halfway through the wrestling documentary that I'm enjoying, the Vince McMahon one. Oh that's great. You are well behind. There's loads of good stuff for you out there.

I want to watch the loaded documentary on BBC. Have you watched the one about loaded vaccine? I think you'd enjoy that, Rob. I watched the boy band one. That's good. The boy band one. I'm desperate to watch boy band, but I don't want to watch these. Last night, we watched our first Christmas movie, Rob. Go on. We like to watch the crap Hallmark Christmas movies. Yep. And we've got a film club, which is us and four friends. And we watched the same Hallmark movie at the same time.

And we all slag it off on a WhatsApp group. What one did you watch? It was too good. We watched the new Lindsay Lohan Christmas film. And it wasn't shit enough. What's Christmas film. It wasn't shit enough. It wasn't shit enough. It's called, and she's very good in it. The Owl Little Secret or Falling for Christmas? Owl Little Secret.

So she's done a little Christmas one last year. Did she just do strictly just... She's now become Netflix face of Christmas and she does a Christmas movie every year. Also, she looks unbelievable. I can't quite work out what's happened to her because I was Googling her. She's the only person whose Wikipedia has a separate page for personal life. Wow. She's been through a lot, it seems, but it's good to see her. She's back acting.

She's back and she's very good. She's very good. Oh, it's a good film, would you like me and Lou watch that? I wouldn't recommend it because it's too good. You want to watch the Hallmark ones because they're total dog shit and they're incredible. But that is a good one if you want to watch a good film. Yeah, but don't. Okay, so I don't know if you're recommending it or not.

I'm not recommending it. I'd recommend you watch the one I wanted to watch, which was called, um, Twas the Text Before Christmas about someone that sends the wrong text before Christmas. Yeah, but you want to watch that because it'll be crap. So was the Lindsay Lohan one good? Like, Elphor Home Alone? Yeah, it was really good. Yeah, really. No, it wasn't because of that. Okay, right, but it was good.

It was a lot. There's a scene where she goes to a Christmas carol concert, and she's mistakenly eating some gummies, some weed gummies, and I was laughing out loud. Oh, so it's a bit naughty. It's a bit naughty, Rob. There's a lot of people shagging each other. Not actually. Do you want the premise? She's split up with a guy 10 years ago. Respect.

Yeah. Then there's a montage to show the elapsing of 10 years, which is mental because it's just news clips over 10 years. Yep. And then in 2024, she's with her new boyfriend. Her ex is with his new girlfriend. They're both going back to their partners for their first Christmas. And those partners, their new boyfriend and girlfriend, a brother and sister, and these two people are spending Christmas. And they can't, it's their little secret because they can't tell them.

It's their little secret they can't tell people. There is a lot of great farce and I loved it. Wouldn't recommend. What? I still don't know if I should watch it. No, I'd stick to, I'd stick to the Hallmark ones that are really shit. They're normally about a career woman who goes back to and they've got no money so they'll be filmed in summer with fake snow. Right. Oh,

great. I'd recommend any of them. If you want to watch something shit, you recommend those. But if you want to watch something good, good, go for the new Lindsay Lohan one. Right. Okay. But you're not recommending it? Not recommending it. Perfect. That's good to know. Great. It's quite hard actually doing film reviews. Jonathan Ross is better than you think. I it? Not recommending it. Perfect. That's good to know. Great. It's quite hard actually doing film reviews. John Lennon Ross is better than you think. He makes it look effortless. And he just sat on his own with a desk. But right, let's do a small piece of shout out.

Hello, Rob and Josh. I'm a mum and step mum to three boys whose ages range from seven months to 13 years old. Whilst on maternity leave with my youngest son, I was trying to teach the older ones to become more independent by starting to help out with the washing. Realizing that I had no idea what the symbols meant, I created a bingo game with the symbols to help them learn what they mean. Oh, and the clothes. Sorry, I thought I was thinking about like the dishwasher or washing up plates. I was like, what symbols? I created a bingo game with the symbols to help them learn what they mean and hopefully avoid shrinking their favorite jumpers or leaving iron marks.

It's a good way of teaching. I love football shirts, never on a football shirt. I posted this on my private Instagram and had such a great reaction. I've now designed it up properly. They've launched both a digital or printed version great for a wide range of ages and a game that the family could play together. You can be bought on the Etsy store, soapysymbols.etsy.com or Instagram, Soapy Symbols Game.

Love the pod. Many thanks, Anna. There we go, Soapy Symbols. Yeah, because some mean like dry clean only, some mean, you know. I actually could do with it myself, Rob. I'm not great on it, Tiberius. I would really appreciate it if you could give a shout out to my sister, Steph's utterly amazing small business, Jim Pansies, based in Bristol. They are a charity who are building the first ever fully inclusive

leisure centre in the UK catering for children and young people of all disabilities, physical, sensory or otherwise, and their families. With three quarters of disabled children lacking access to mainstream leisure facilities, parks, soft play, etc. Families are left isolated and many parents suffer from mental health issues as a result. This centre will bring much needed play, exercise and social facilities. Gympanzees have now secured a 14-acre site in Bristol and are on the fundraising drive to raise £8 million necessary to have the project realised by June 2026. I hope this will get the word out to families with disabled children and kind, generous souls alike.

The website is jimpanzees.org. Huge thanks to both of you and keep up the great work. Caroline, originally from Wiltshire, but now based in Belgium. Oh, what a great thing to do. No, no. I reckon if you said that then that would be... Belgium French, is it?

...then that would be going on. Flemish! Flemish! Flemish! Flemish hello. It's been an absolute joy, Rob. Hello is the most common way to say hello in Flemish. Hello!

There we go. Good morning. Josh, I'll see you next time. I'll see you next time. Bye! It's been emotional.