Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S9 EP34: Do Not Google That

Episode Date: December 20, 2024

More misadventures in parenting, life, and beyond with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe... Please follow and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available free everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping.

And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice, and of course, tales of parenting woe. Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Hey, can't you forget your son? Willow, can you say say Rob Beckett? No I can't. Just try and say it. Rob. Pardon what do you call him?

And say Josh. Josh. Widdicombe. Widdicombe. Good girl. Very good, Willow. There we go. A couple of things there, Josh. I like the name Willow.

Secondly, the dad sounded older than a dad. He sounded like a dad from when I was a little, as opposed to the dad now. Does that make sense to you? I think you might. Yes. He sounded a bit like a dad. He sounded a bit like a dad. He sounded a bit like a dad.

He sounded a bit like a dad. He sounded a bit like a dad. He sounded a bit like a dad. He sounded a bit like a dad. He sounded a bit like a dad. He sounded a bit like a dad. He sounded a bit like a dad. He sounded a bit like a dad. He sounded a bit like a dad from when I was a little as opposed to the dad now. Does that make sense to you? I think you might. Yes. He sounded like a star. Look at that.

Personified. They just, I just got the energy, the way you're speaking to her. And the other thing was, did she call him a. He doesn't say that. Let's just VAR it. No I can't. Yes you did. No. No. You can't. Right let's let this Christmas, let's stop saying the same one. We're a bit shaky start with no prior practice I think you you'll agree she absolutely smashed it. Regards her granddad Clive. Oh, of course he's called Clive. Come on, granddad Clive. Granny Alex just told me to tell you

that Willow is 31 months old and I'm a mere 689 months old. What's that? I'm just doing that maths on my calculator. Six, eight, nine divided by 12. 57. Clive's gonna be fucking livid that I've called him out for being old just for his voice. 57's not that old. It's not even your saggy tits Clive, it's just your voice. What age would you like to become a granddad

Rob? Too early means that obviously you're straight back into the kids, but too late means you're not ready for it. You're not got an art to offer. Do you know, all right- Taking out of the, what ages it means your children are children. Yeah, of course. So when they'll be, my youngest be 18 in about 10, 11 years, which will make me 39, 40, 50. I like, I think kids are 60, grandkids are 60.

Yeah. It's nice. If I'm 60, when I've got kids and that's good, I like, I think kids are 60 grandkids at 60. Yeah, it's nice. If I'm, if I'm 60, when I've got kids and that's, that's good. I think because then they've got the 60 to 70, 10 years to sort of do a lot of the legwork. You still got a bit about it. I think let's, let's give you a nice life here, Rob. So you've got kids, you've got kids until you're 50, they leave. Yeah. Then you get 10 years for you and Lou just to be yourselves,

just to enjoy yourselves. Yeah, then by the time we're bored of each other's bodies. Exactly, yeah. Exploring each other's forms. But after that, you... 60s and 70s, your grandparents. And then, you know, good innings. But in their 20s, your grandchildren will be fine to deal with the spectra of your death. I reckon I could see myself being one of them 110 year olds with no one about. Yeah. Yeah, just they're all dropped like flies. I'm still going. Do you think your grandson will look back at episodes of eight out of 10 cats and go, that was my granddad. Um, no, no, I mean, it's quite a lot to take in that that he's already gendered my grandchild and it's a son which doesn't

change it. So I might be living in a post gender universe by them. I think to be honest, no one really cares or in the present day, granddad, you may have care great grandparent, my dad don't even know what his granddad's called. Yeah, exactly. But no, I don't really care what they think of that really.

I've sort of deleted all that. Like the KLF, deleting their back catalog. Yeah, just sort of in my brain, I'd sort of try, I forget, I just delete it all. People tell me stuff that I forgot I've done. If when your grandson's 20, and he comes to you and you're 80, and he goes, Grandpapa.

Nah, he's already gone. What? Fuck off, he ain't calling me that. He ain't calling me that. Okay, Bobby Gramps. Bobby Gramps, just granddad. Granddad. Okay. Bobby gramps. Bobby gramps. Just granddad. Granddad. Yeah. My mom's just told me that you used to be on the television. Yeah. Whatever that is. Yeah, I've heard it was

like, you know, a big thing. Yeah. Yeah, Sunday brunch. I was on it for four hours. I've, it's obviously everything getable these days, because it's 2070, whatever it is. I want to watch one TV show to make me proud of my of my grandpa. What should I watch? Oh, so now it's a toss up between the colonic irrigation or on the Robert Romesh colonic episode. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable to even think of suggesting something to watch. I'd say just leave it. What about the episode of What the

Week where you did a joke about Ed Miliband's gaffes? I love that. You do bring that up a lot. I love that joke. Oh gosh, no, I don't. I would hate to have to talk to my grandkids about my job. Would you? Yeah, It makes you cringe. I feel, I forget. I just delete stuff and move on. But I was watching, I'm a celebrity the other day, watching them do celebrity cyclone and I went, Oh, I'd love to do that. And Lou went, you have, I was like, Oh yeah, I have.

What is celebrity cyclone? See, this is your problem. It's just, I don't know what's going on. Rob, you didn't know you'd done it. I know what it is. There's a difference. What is it? It's a, it's the final sort of game thing that they play and I'm a celeb, but they chuck loads

of water down them and they're just superheroes and have to try and get up with stars and keep them on it. And then a big load of water comes down and it looks loads of like loads of fun. Right. And why have you done it? Oh, when I did the spinoff show. Yes. Anyway, right. Josh, what are we talking about now? Because I don't like talking about my future grandchildren. Correspondence episode. Sorry, I've given you a kind of... You seem uncomfortable.

I do apologize. I am. Why am I uncomfortable about the future? Do you know what it is? To stop anxiety and stop worry, I try to forget about what's happened and try not to be too worried about what's coming. Yes. Because the only thing is now and the only thing that you can

be in is this moment right now. When that times comes, when my grandchild is talking to me, I'll know what to say in that moment. So there's no point thinking about it now. But it's a fair question and it's great for a podcast and great to prompt conversation. But in order for me to not to spiral, I don't look too far ahead or too far back. The thing is, Rob, the podcast better if you spiral. So can we just drill down a bit further?

Yeah, absolutely. What do you want to know? What we want to start by doing is saying thank you to the almost 200,000 people who for whom we were the top podcast in Spotify. I thought you wanted to drill down. I'm going to talk to my grandchild. Can we talk to my grandchild. Do you want me to talk to my grandchild about the thing? I don't want to cause you issues. I want to say to my grandchild, watch the first, I'd say 15 to 20 episodes of Mock the

Week and I want you to know that on every journey to the studios for those recordings, your granddad quietly cried in the back of a chauffeur driven car. He would try and mop his eyes quickly, try and not catch the driver's attention, but he'd silently sob through worry and anxiety. And then he'd get out there and try his best. Sadly, sadly for him, he got rebooked. No reflection on the show. It was my only securities and worries, but that my friend is TV. So I suggest you get yourself down that school,

get a nice little job in the city. Just go and stand outside pubs and big pints of lager at four o'clock every weekend and get a gilet cause that's a safer way. Cause those people famously never have breakdowns. because that's the safer way. Because those people famously never have breakdowns. You'll be crying after work, not before. Because there's no before because you start so early in the day. Hong Kong still trading.

Fuck it, Al. US has opened. Right, let's get back to this correspondence. Thank you to everyone for listening this year. Was that too much of a spiral? Did I open up too much? No, I liked it. I liked it.

For Rob, the house plants you were given in Cheshire were from Wendy Samuels at Hello House Plants UK. Oh, there we go. Small business shout out at the top of the show. Hello House Plants UK. They were so lovely. I thought the theatre have bought them and just left them there. So thank you, Wendy Samuels. Good luck with the business. I've got them

in my bathroom. I think the tip is for a houseplant, keep them dry during winter. Don't water them too much. But feed those thirsty little dogs in summer. Oh, there we go. That's what I've been told. Tell me if I'm right or wrong. Guys. Monty Don is here. Some comparisons, people have actually sent them in, of us being opposites. Okay. Okay them. This is from Emily. Josh's long johns, Rob is a string vest.

Do you know what? I'm going to have to say no to that. I'm a long john fan. Yeah, and I don't wear long johns because I get hot too quickly. We are. You can't pin us down. I'm a Long John fan. Yeah, and I don't wear Long Johns because I get hot too quickly. We are, you can't pin us down. No, Josh's Waitrose, Rob is Asda from Anna. Yeah, I used to go to Asda a lot growing up. I used to go to Asda. I'll be honest with you now,

Marks and Spencer's my first choice. But M&S and Waitrose, and Waitrose, you're M&S, they are the big rivals. Exactly, but if I'm not Marks and Spencer's, I like, I do like a bit of Morrisons. Yes. Marks and Spencers is ideal. Morrisons would be my sort of day to day. I used to work in Safeway that became Morrisons. Me too.

There we go. I think we knew that, didn't we? Yeah, probably. Okay. Josh is Rory Stewart. Let's not talk about those two absolute villains. And I'm Alistair Campbell. I'd say so, but I feel like as I'm getting older, I'm getting less Alastair Campbell and I think Alastair Campbell's getting more Alastair Campbell. Yeah, you've got less blood on your hands.

Give me time, mate, I'm young. He had none on his hand at my age. Josh is Kevin Phillips, Rob is Niall Quinn. That's what we're looking for, Rob. I don't know if you'd be more Niall because you're a bit more sort of solid and dependable and I'm the sort of little yappy one. Yeah, yeah, I think that's actually true. So it shows actually we're very different.

Keep them coming in, but none of them are right. You can't put us down. Right, we've got a couple of Christmas correspondence here, Josh. What we got here? Yes. Do you want to do one? You do one? You go for it, Rob.

Okay, well, you do the Christmas tip and I'll do the elves stuff, because I've got some elves behaving badly ideas. Okay, good. Hi guys, before wrapping presents, open them and undo all the little screws and cable ties holding the toys in the box. Oh, yes. And put holding the toys in the box. And put the toy back in the box and wrap as normal. This way kids can unwrap, open and start playing in one go

and you can eat your Bailey's Coco Pops without wrestling with packaging. That is a huge tip. Huge tip. That is a huge tip. Yes. You can also put batteries in, but make sure to break the connection with a strip of paper. Oh,

is that why that strip of paper is in the batteries? In case the toy talks under the tree. That's Ewan. Oh, no, no, no, I think batteries is one step too far. I'm not putting a strip of paper in a battery slip, like some sort of fucking virgin nerd. I quite like, I quite like Rob. Why is virgin still funny? I tell you why it's funny because no one uses it as an insult anymore so it feels really mild. Yeah because it was so huge at school being a virgin. And also it's so not a thing in your thoughts. Well it can be and that's

fine but it's so not a thing who is and isn't. Isn't disgust. If you are a virgin in your Ford. Well, it can be and that's fine. But it's so not a thing who is and isn't, isn't discussed. If you are a virgin, email in. Fair play to you. Email in. Merry Christmas! Long story short, don't know how we got there. Take the toys out of the box. Again, the cable ties. I quite like cutting the cable ties. Not on Christmas morning, you've got enough going on, that's what he's saying.

Or if it's a dolls house, you've got to build a dolls house. I'd say if you do have any electronic equipment, it's best to set that up before so that when they turn it on, they're logged into everything. Do you know what I mean? Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, any sort of devices and stuff. I think that's always a good tip. Like you and... I remember getting FIFA 96 for the PC. Wow. Wow. It was Christmas 95 this year and we got it with the PC when we bought the PC like a theme hospital as well

November I did have theme hospital yeah it's great guy um but we held back FIFA 96 for Christmas Day yeah so we had the computer all set up and then on Christmas Day, it didn't work. Oh my God. And it was, I was just heartbroken. Took it very badly, Rob. I remember we got a PlayStation and then we were allowed to play one little demo each of it

and set it all up, see if it worked and then put it away for Christmas and it was so exciting. Oh my God, it was always more painful, isn't it? And that was brilliant, it was great. That's, do you know what? That's the thing about the excitement of getting the, what the thing, like a PlayStation.

So it's like a doing thing that's completely, that you've just not had before. Yeah. Is just the excitement of a games console in the 90s for Christmas. I don't know. Is it still a games console now? I don't know what the... I don't know. It's difficult because it... And also like you don't get the physical games as much. So like...

Yeah. You buy the physical games. If you are getting a console for your kids, you do need to set that up and log it onto your WiFi because there's so many downloads now. Sometimes I turn my PlayStation on, it's like three hour download. I'm like, what the fuck? So I would suggest that. There are consoles still happen, but games, you don't really buy the game. It's sort of like you get a code to download it.

So you almost want to set the console up, download the game that they want. And then- Wrapped separately. And so you were like, I'm unwrapping Diddy Kong Racing. I'm unwrapping ISS64. I'm unwrapping a second controller. GoldenEye. I'm unwrapping Diddy Kong Racing, I'm unwrapping ISS64, I'm unwrapping a second control, I'm unwrapping a memory stick, I'm unwrapping GoldenEye, what am I unwrapping in this big box? It's the fucking N64. They could have all been putting together, but

they didn't need to be. And that's the thrill. And also what I would say is even if you like are well prepared and you've got like a Kite Games console for your kid, you still need to turn it on and double check there's not a software update like the day before because you could get it all done at like the first of December by the end of December there's an update. Oh my god get it all set up. It's carnage, absolute carnage. Right, elves behaving badly ideas. What have your elves been up to in your house, Josh? Oh, just the usual stuff. They've just been helping mainly around the building site. Oh, you've got an absolute Aladdin's cave of options.

Yeah. Some dusty old elves. We did, you can buy a little float, little flamingo float, ando, like little Flamingo float and we'd run a bath and it was bobbing around in the bath. Oh, that's good. Well, we did do that. The elf did that. Oh God. Now I've got some suggestions from listeners. Put a Nerf gun and the elf near the TV, sprinkle the darts everywhere, load a fake broken TV

screensaver onto the screen so it looks like the elf damaged the TV. Oh, that's good. Wouldn't know how to do that but that is good. Oh we did a good one. Little chocolate chips. Put it by the toilet roll and it looks like little poos and then you say I've heard a rumor that elves poos taste like chocolate. Who wants to try it? Oh that's good. That's a good one. And oh we put that we've got a big money jar thing at See-Through. We emptied all the money out and put the elf in it so it looked like he stole all the money. Oh, that's good. But you'd stolen the money.

I'll put it back in the day after. Here is another one. Quick and easy elf idea for you. Just throw everyone's pants over the Christmas tree. Born out of 11.30 at night. Oh shit, we haven't done anything panic. Looking at the clothes dry. It's about the only one they've remembered ever since. Kids love pants. Yes. We just throwed all the washing. They'll get all their

knickers on the tree and put the elf on the tree. Oh, that's that. I'm gonna do that one tonight. Those pesky elves. Here we go. Put the elf in your child's school lunchbox with empty packets, crumbs and sandwich crusts. Basically, it'll look like the elf has eaten the lunch. Very strong. Provide a spare lunch and give it to the teacher,

but keep it on the slide. No, too much. That could all go badly wrong. No, you can't send the elf into school. You're not allowed to touch the elf, are you? I don't know what the rule is, Rob, yeah. Also, the teacher's got enough on a plate. She doesn't need fucking elves at lunch. Yeah, the teacher ain's got enough on a plate. She's got fucking elves at love.

The teacher ain't gotta be fucking kidding me. I've got a crying child here that I've got to placate with a second lunchbox. Yeah. And there's some fucking sad soulless family that's already told their kid at the age of five he don't exist and he's fucked everyone up. Stop it, you're those pricks. I'll be honest with you, Rob. I've read the second half of that email.

What's that? Uh, they wake up in the morning and can't find the after-guff to school to get a huge surprise. I did it for my daughter who's struck with anxiety. She doesn't like starting conversation. It's that? They wake up in the morning and can't find the elf. They go off to school to get a huge surprise. I did it for my daughter who struggles with anxiety. She doesn't like starting conversation. It's a little bit of a recluse at school. She sticks to one or two friends out of glue. This was amazing.

When she opened the lunchbox and saw the greedy elf in there, she was swamped by her classmates wanting to have a look. She came out of school that day with a big grin. The elf was hanging off her rucksack. It gave her the confidence boost. She's so needed. Okay, that is actually nice. So yeah, I feel bad. It's brilliant work. Exceptional work. Yeah. So I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry. Four years later and her friends still say remember when the elf ate your lunch. Okay, right. Well, I'm really sorry. This is really backfired. Thanks for laughs and unhinged parents. And actually say thank you. Brilliant. Claire from like Claire from West Sussex. Oh God, I'm sorry. You are a good person. I'm so sorry, Claire. Yeah. I'm so sorry. I don't know, four years on. Well, fucking hell, nothing else happened.

I'm joking. Do you know what? Do you know what that reminds me of? I'm boring to school. Do you know what it reminds me of? I'm being mean, I'm sorry, Claire. I know the person that was on the, he was working on Big Brother during the David's dead thing, literally on the, he was on shift.

Right, okay. Where the hell, where the, David Guest hadn't died, but David Bowie had died, but he was in the Big Brother house asleep. Yeah, it's like the greatest moment in Big Brother history. Yeah. And I bring it up quite a lot when I see him. And he said, this has come to define me. What, the producer? Yeah, he said, this is all people want to talk to me about.

It's not a bad thing. No, not at all. But that's the same thing. When you're at the center of a big event, like the L for eating your lunch, it can come to define you wrong. Give it, on an actual real terms basis, how has it come to define? Because no one would know he'd done that. No, no, because I brought it up.

I introduced him to someone. I said, you're not going to believe it. He said, whenever he's introduced to people. In industry, he's the David Guest. Just anyone, if he's introduced to someone by someone else, they'll go, he's got a good story. He was the David. He was on David's dad. Oh, that's annoying for him, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, but it's not a great story because everyone knows it. Yeah, but he was there, Rob. You just sort of, I know he was there, but he has to be. You're telling me, if I

introduced you to him and I said he was there for that, you wouldn't have some questions. I would say, I think you, I would, I would say, I don't think you- He wasn't even complaining. I wouldn't get chippy towards him. And hey, he was just saying it to me. He wasn't saying it to me. I'm not saying it's getting chippy.

I'm just saying it's not up to you to what you're defined by, okay? Oh, here we go. Zen robs back. That's what other people decide, not you. Okay? Yeah. So you're not defined by those mongrel weeks. We are a different version of ourselves to everyone we meet, and we're not in control of it.

There'll be people out there that think you're a fucking prick, Josh. Oh, there are. A gutless, disgusting loser. I've seen my mentions, Rob. I've seen my mentions. You're not, to me. But maybe you are to them. Everyone's got their own version of reality. And there'll be people out there, do you know what?

There'll be some people out there just that like me. Yeah, there will be. Do you know what, Rob? And dislike. I'd say more people like you than don't. Someone in Harvestal at you last night said, hey, are you Rob Brydon? I went, yes.

Do you know what? On that, Rob, the taxi driver brought me here. Yeah. He said to me, I sat down for a bit, I went yes. Do you know what? On that Rob, the taxi driver brought me here. He said to me, I sat down for a bit and then he said, um, Oh, he didn't stand up. What's he took you in? No, no. What I mean is it wasn't instant.

He was obviously like five minutes in, he went, do I recognize you? I said I'm a comedian and he said, um, have you been on, uh, what, what do I recognize you from is always a fucking nightmare? Because it could be anything. Yeah. Cause I don't know what you watch. Yeah. And then he said, have you been on, I'm a celebrity juice? You'd be pineapple and mango in my eyes. That'd be your celebrity juice. Yeah. I'm a celebrity juice. I said, I haven't been on, I'm a celebrity juice. No, I just always go, yep. Yeah. And then I said, Oh, don't worry about it. And he said, don't worry about what?

Oh, no, that's a bit weird. I was like, I just, I was just like. About trying to remember. About trying to remember who I am. So how did it go from there? I'm not sure I am. So how did it go from there? He says, don't worry about what? And I was like, Oh, you don't need this Josh.

You're not in your current state. You've probably been in a busy house, full of builders, getting a cab. Oh, and all of a sudden you're being accused of being chippy about, am I celebrity juice? Get me out of here now. I'm a celebrity juice. Oh god. Anyway. It just kind of petered off. I said anyway, yeah, you'll have seen me once I think.

And we've got a boomer story here. Do you want a boomer story? Yeah. Boomer parenting. Hello sexy Michael. Et al. As kids, my parents thought it would be a good idea to take four kids by road for a summer holiday in Holland. For the record, this wasn't really a good idea. Of course, they wouldn't pay for the overnight ferry, so it took days. During one stop at a service station on the epic trip, my older brother lost one of his fancy high-tech trainers, the only shoes he had brought.

How did he lose a trainer? My dad probably at the point of breakdown after being stuck in a car with his offspring for days threw a typical boomer wobbly. Instead of buying some cheap replacements, he insisted that the only shoes my brother could wear for the rest of the trip were a pair of clogs. Oh god. Cue my teenage brother spending two weeks clopping around in wooden clogs. Can you imagine the shame?

Oh my god. That is a punishment and a half. It doesn't seem to have done him any harm. So maybe my dad was onto something. I probably should give this a try instead of spoiling my kids with footwear for every occasion. That's not, you're not, this is the problem. If you've been parented like that,

it is not spoiling your children. To give them shoes. Well, footwear for every occasion. Yeah, okay, you're playing football, football boots. You're going for a walk, walking boots. You're going to the beach, sandals. That's the point of footwear. Well, do you know what it reminds me of, Rob?

Yeah. Squeak, squeak, squeak. Oh, squeak him a jean back. Oh, the squeakies are back. Someone's been doing the bins. He's got the squeakies on. No, I haven't even got them on. I had to put my foot in there to move around on the floor.

Yeah. Thanks to the podcast. It stops me from being crazy and trying for a fourth. Kate from Liverpool. What's that? You're suggesting that our podcasters load your sex drive? Yeah. To be fair, Rose and Lou do listen. So there's proof in the analytics. Oh, it's a lot of fun. No, we always joke and that's unfair. I'm absolutely happy. Do you think? I'll try and get in my end of way. And I we always joke and that's unfair. I'm absolutely happy. Do you think? I'll try and get in my end of way and I want to be clear on that. Have you had some bad feedback for these jokes, Rob? No, I haven't.

But I do feel like I want to be really honest and authentic in what I say so that when I do a joke like that. How many times have you had sex this month? Oh, this month. Okay. Well, this has been authentic than details. No, it's too authentic. I'd say I don't want I don't want any more authenticity. That's too much authenticity. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. I'd say once a week,

the normal way. And then I'm doing those sort of hack jokes. It's a bit hack. I'm not true. So I was just being honest. I'm not showing those sort of hack jokes of like, oh, I never go. It's a bit hack and not true. So I was just being honest. I'm not showing off. I would say a healthy amount. I try, I think we try for once a week and then sometimes more. Sometimes they depend on diaries. That's the truth.

If I'm away for four nights that week, it puts a lot of pressure on those other three nights. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. But if I'm home seven nights. But if you and Ramesh could get one in before. Exactly. Have you ever had sex with a man?

No, I haven't, no. I've kissed a man drunkenly. Tongues? No, I don't think so. Who was it? I kissed Alex Horne at the BAFTAs once to congratulate him on the lips. I was very drunk.

A peck, not like a... Yeah, not a passionate kiss. Right. Can I text him and say, do you remember Josh kissing you on the mouth at the BAFTAs? Yeah. You can text him that.

Right, I've got a Christmas boomer story. Oh, that's all we're looking for. Hi, Rob and Josh. My little boy is three and a half and has suddenly become obsessed with Christmas, Santa and presents. It's September, FFS. It's been sent ages ago.

It reminded me of something my mom did to me when I was around his age. Like all kids, I wouldn't sleep on Christmas Eve, but rather than sucking it up and just dealing with it until I was older, she would start my advent calendar on the second of December. This meant by the time Christmas Eve rolled around,

I thought it was the 23rd night's sleep through the night and then give them a bit of a lying. She would delay, she basically lie about the day. So she would, so she would do number one. Then she'd go. So they even got the people in our local pub involved. And when we went in on the 24th, no one was allowed to mention Santa coming in. What's going on?

This is like a fucking. It's horrible. It's a clever idea. And I'm sure I might consider it one year, but I do feel robbed of that magical Christmas Eve experience. Emma in Newark. Emma, a fucking horrible. It's a clever idea and I'm sure I might consider it one year But I do feel robbed of that magical Christmas Eve experience Emma in Newark. Emma. This is horrible I'm sorry you had to deal with it. Oh, so she'd wake up on Christmas day Yeah, yeah No, that's mental just for a lion You can't do that in renew. I don't do it if you have, don't do that. No. Do you sleep on Christmas Eve, Rob?

Not really. I used to go up where they're... And also, look, you've got to realize if you are fucking mental and over excited and annoying like I am, that is part of who I am, your children will be over excited and mental. That's just how genetics work. I used to go up at 5 a.m. Poor Lou. Before Christmas every year as a kid. She chose a horse. Yeah.

And then our kids wake up at that time, just accept your poison. Yeah. Do they get to sleep? No. No one sleeps and we all get cranky mid afternoon. And that's the way we are. Do you know on the, this made me feel better on the Lindsay Lohan film I was discussing last time. Yeah. So it's three couples that were watching it. Us and two other couples. Together or just at home on WhatsApp? Yeah, on WhatsApp.

Very 2020 of you. Yeah, yeah. And none of us got down before 9 p.m. And it made me feel- I want sorting the kids out. Yeah. It made me feel so much better to know everyone else is going through this shit. Because you think everyone else...

Yeah. Is... Like the fires on, big cosy jumper, curled up on a sofa of a hot monk. I try and do that sometimes. I'm fucking sweating. Do you ever do that? I try and like live my life like an advert. It don't happen.

No, it's too hot, Rob. Life's too hot. life's too cold. I'm like, just sat there in my pants, beading up. Beading up? What do you mean? Sweating. All right, thank God for that. What do you think it meant?

Anal beads? I thought it was a word in how I... It's popping one in every 15 minutes. I'm beading up in here, give me a chance. Don't come down from going kids if you're not asleep don't come into the sea. I'm sat in front of the fire beating up. It's my Christmas tradition. Got little red ones little rudos up there. Ah anyway this has been weird. Worst Father's Day ever. Okay.

That's the next email not... Oh, perfect. Do you want to do it? Yeah, I'll do it. Hi, Robin Josh. I've just been listening to the Father's Day episode. Fucking hell, I don't even know when Father's Day is. You could ask me to guess which month Father's Day is.

I know what it is. Should I tell you what it is? It's always the same weekend as Lou's birthday. That's an help. So I don't it is. Should I tell you what it is? It's always the same weekend as Lou's birthday. That's an help. So I don't have one. Father's Day is in summer, isn't it? It is in summer because it's warm. Is it in June?

It's June, yeah. June, yeah. It's the third week. When's Mother's Day? Mother's Day is near Rose. March. It's the one, two, three of Valentine's Day, Mother's Day and Rose's birthday in the space of a month.

Too much. Too much. Too much. Clinton's cards are fucking cleaning up for me that month. Are they still going, Clintons? I don't know. I hate buying cards. I'm trying to phase it out. Christmas cards, send in a Christmas card.

I don't even think to do it now. I'd never buy, I never get cards or send cards. I just don't, we can message each other. Can I have your address to send you a Christmas card? Just- Oh, I mean, it's just surely you have something else that's going on. How unbusy are you?

Hi- They text me. Yeah, or don't. Clintons are still going, I think. It's all like- Oh, good on them. Red, used to be orange. Hi, Rob and Josh.

I've been listening to Father's Day episode where you ask people for the worst Father's Day they've ever had. I'm writing to you about my dad's Father's Day in 1989, which was both the best and worst day ever. Firstly, it was the best day because me, his second daughter, was born in the early hours of the morning on Father's Day itself. Oh, nice. It's a good Father's Day. It also happens to be my dad's dad's, i.e. my granddad's birthday. Nice.

So that was the nice part of the day. Do you think when your daughter's born on Father's Day you instantly get the day off, Rob? Because you've become a father, so you instantly then get breakfast in bed. Well, I mean, really, you've got to argue your point there and go, yeah, you have given birth, but it is Father's Day. It is Father's Day. You should really be doing bedtime. You should be doing it.

Blast with joy at what had happened. A few hours later, he headed to the hospital car park to jump in the car, head back home for a few hours to freshen up before heading back to wife and newborn daughter. Imagine his surprise when he couldn't find the car. In his panic and sleep deprived state the night before, when he had driven his wife in labor to the hospital,

he thought he'd simply forgotten where he had parked. He walked around the hospital car park twice looking for every car. Oh, this is panicking me. But he had no luck. His car had in fact been stolen from the hospital car park while his wife was giving birth. Hence the worst father's day of his life. Two very expensive things to pay for now, a new baby and a new car. Oh. He never lets me... Who steals from a hospital car park? He never lets me forget about this, as if somehow my fault that this happened. Thanks for the last cap from Manchester. Also, his daughter's birthday is on Father's Day.

Yeah. And his dad's birthday. Yeah, and he's not getting a Father's Day. He's not getting a Father's Day. Do you know what I could think of from that story was when you said freshen up, I thought of freshen up for the poon Arnie. Don't you remember when you used to go to that bars and nightclubs, there'll be a guy in there.

Oh yeah. Do those guys, am I old, so not going to those places anymore? Not that I really went to those places much. Oh, that was a permanent fixture in my adolescence and 20s. Right, you didn't used to get that in student indie bars. But I remember obviously I would go to places like that. No splash, no gash, they used to say.

Oh my god, they did. At a different time. No splash, no gash. Do those guys still earn a living spraying on you for good? And what's the best line you've ever heard? And also, they have to have a chip and pin now. What do you mean freshen up, guys? Are they called freshen up, guys?

And were they in women's toilets? No spray, no lay. Oh, have you been Googling? Little lollipops. No, I just remember it. Oh. Write in if you're one of those guys. How much money you make in an evening?

Like, was it good money? I think you get... Because it's an awful, awful place of work. It's got to be the worst place of work on earth. If there's a worse place of work than that, let us know, because that has gotta be in a nightclub toilet. Also, further to the question of how much did you make, were you operating separately from the club, or was the money going back to the club?

Were you waged by the club to do that? Were you on PAYE? Yeah. And did you have to pay for your sprays? So is that an initial outlay for all your different perfumes? They bought all those fake aftershades. Yeah. 100% from Oxard Street when those people with the Madonna might shout at you to

try and sell you 40 bottles of perfume for eight quid. When I got to London, I thought Oxard Street was meant to be good. It is the shittest place on earth. It is the shittest place on earth. That's such a funny out of London like spectate. I thought Oxford Street was supposed to be good. It's not bad for shops if you need to go to a specific shop, but not a great place to work. Half of those shops are closed down now.

Like even the top shops closed down, isn't it? It's mainly now like a shop selling American sweets. No, no, there are still proper shops. But if you are in central London and you need to get something, every good shop in the world is there. That's pretty cool. Do you think? Yeah, like name a shop or stuff you want.

You can get it. You can literally walk in and buy it rather than have things ordered online. I think once you cross, it's the bit between Tottenham Court Road and Oxford Circus. This is so London centric. Yeah. I get you got your John Lewis, you got your foot locker, you got your HMV, you got your Selfridges, beyond the Oxford Circus side. But before that, since the death of Topshop, it's an absolute fucking ghost, hell. No, it's not too bad. We've just last walked down there. It's not too bad. Probably about five years ago. I go for it a lot.

I'd do anything to avoid it. Yeah, I go for it a lot because of the BBC and Soho, like, for voiceover. Yeah, but I'll only cross it, Rob. Do you ever walk down it? Yeah, I go for a little shop now and again. Do you? Where are you going? It depends what I need. So like, if you want to get something or look at something before you order it online, like you can go there if like there's an Apple shop and stuff like that, you know, shops on Regent Street, Rob. Oh, I'm looking at it as a whole area. Oh, no, I'm not. I don't

mean the whole area. The whole area is lovely. I'm saying that one road. Oh, that one on that side. Yeah, that is a bit cramped. That one road is absolutely. It's not what it was, but the rest of it is good. It's not what it was, and it was great. It used to have that big HMV. No, I thought that was supposed to be good. The death of the high street.

The death of the high street. Right, oh, we've got one more Schoolgate Shaggers to tell here because we are coming at you with a full-length special of Schoolgate Shaggers to tell here because we are coming at you with a full length special of Schoolgate Shagging, Josh. So here's one more to wet your whistle and also a call out for the final submissions of Schoolgate Shaggers.

This is from Anonymous, which is always a good sign. You don't want any clap back. Here we go. When you do do Anonymous, just if you are submitting them, think about changing some unimportant details of other people as well. Yes. So like, you know, at this school in Norfolk, Julio. Yeah. And it's just, yeah, exactly. Just to cover yourselves. Because sometimes someone puts anonymous and I think these details are so specific. We'll find out.

That people will find out. Just a little tip. Happy for you not to, but it's just for your own, you know, peace of mind. Here we go. Dear Josh and Rob, was listening this morning about your tales of playground shaggers and have been compelled to give you probably the juiciest gossip, a classic from our parenting circles. A few years ago, my wife's friend moved as a state school

primary teacher to a posh private school in Kensington. She happened to be the teacher of a well-known ex-England footballer. When she joined, she found out that it was common knowledge in the teacher's lounge to keep certain parents apart, especially around parent teacher conference days. On further inquiry, it turned out that the famous footballer had shagged a number of the mums in the school. Oh, yes, please. And it started to get out of hand with fights happening literally at the school gates.

It was also commonly known that solicitors of the football would attend the school at pick up and drop off to make sure the relevant NDA would be signed by the mom. Oh my God. Post deed. That is unbelievable. That is good. Who do you reckon that is?

I reckon, believe this. Oh, do you think? Yeah, cause I've heard this about him before. Oh yeah. If you see us in the street, we can tell you who it is. Yeah, unless you've got a notepad on a Dictaphone. But yeah. Use your finger to phone, mate.

He likes to use his Dictaphone. Use your thumb and your bloody iPhone to phone, not my Dictaphone. Do you know what, it's something people, it is quite hard comedy. Yeah, it is difficult, isn't it? Yeah, sometimes you really stretch. So we will be doing a playground shaggers

as our Christmas special, because we thought it would be nice and festive. Would you like funny names of grandparents and positive hitchhiking stories to finish on? Yes, please. Okay, positive hitchhiking stories. Hey, Rob and Josh, on the topic of positive hitchhiking stories, last year I went to a wedding in a remote part of Surrey

with very limited Uber coverage. We got to the church early so we decided to go to a nearby pub to get a pre-wedding drink. We felt it a bit odd that nobody else had the same idea until we realised we were at the wrong church in the wrong village and needed to quickly find our way to the other village. With no taxes around, we managed to flag down a very lovely local guy at a petrol station who delivered us just in time to the correct church in the correct village. He wouldn't take a penny for his trouble either. What a legend. Cheers for the giggle, Sarah, in Walthamstow. That's lovely. That's nice. I'd do that then. That's the kind of time I'd do a bit of hitchhiking in a big group. Yeah, yeah. That's just good fun. I sometimes, when I see people waiting for the bus and it's a horrible

day because it's a horrible day, because it's where we are in the village. Do you think you're gonna pull over? I just sort of, the cars always fall with the kids, I feel like, do you wanna lift up the road? It just feels weird to offer, doesn't it? So you just kind of slow down. I find a puddle and splash them.

So they think you're gonna do them, splash them and carry on. Is it true that's illegal? What? Splashing someone. Splashing someone. Yeah, prove it. See you in court. CCTV. CCTV. He moved towards the puddle. Well, on the side of a road. It's not a fucking curb, mate.

Never mind a camera. Funny name to grandparents. Hey, Robin Josh. Talking about funny names to grandparents reminded me of the name we used for my nan when we were young. We had two nans so we distinguished them. We called them nan who had a cat nanny pussy. And then we carried on corner that even when the cat died. No idea what my parents are thinking. And no one said anything to me, my siblings or cousins when we said it. She was nanny pussy forever. I love the podcast. Give it a good work Claire from Sussex. Do not

Google that. What's that? Yeah, I know. I want to. Yeah, I tell you what, I'm gonna Google it out of what I like to call research and development. And I'll tell you what I find. Right. Let's Okay, yeah, as expected. Yeah, it's just a lot. Yeah, it's all blurred. Just an older lady's vagina there.

Loads of them. Merry Christmas. We'll be back with some playground shaggers. It's good that that footballer did the school run though, isn't it? Like, because a lot of footballers, you don't imagine they're hands on parents, but at least he's doing the school run enough to be shagging people at the school gate. He is hands on parents. That's definitely something you can't say. He is hands on parents, yeah. Here we go. Hi guys, my partner and I are huge fans of the

podcast and I wondered if I could please get a small business shout out. I'm a mum of two. I started Dinky Dini, spelled D-I-N-Y, Dinky Dini, after finding my passion for sewing. I taught myself to sew while pregnant with my daughter D Deany, D-I-M-Y, to try and combat my depression and anxiety. I would sew her clothes and post them on socials and after an overwhelmingly positive response, I decided to perfect my skills and turn it into a little business.

My products are made from custom printed cotton jersey, so they're stylish and super comfy for little ones. At the moment, they go up to nine to 12 months months but I'm hoping to expand the sizes to older children really soon. Listeners can also get 10% off using the code parentinhel, all in lowercase that's parentinhel at the checkout. Please check out Dinky Dini, but spelled D-I-N-Y,.co.uk and Dinky Dini underscore UK on Insta. Thank you so much and please never stop the podcast. Thanks, Amy. Hello, I'm Laura and I started listening to your podcast just before our baby Anders, good name, arrived in Anders Limpar. Do you remember Anders Limpar? Yeah, Everton Winger.

Right. My husband and I now listen most days as it takes us a few evenings to get through an episode as our baby usually does wakeups midway through. I want to do a small business shout out for kidsy. K-I-D-S-I-E. All in uppercase except the I's, which a bit like iPhone does I suppose, which is no they don't because they have then they go back, ignore that bit. Uppercase K, small i, D-S-I-E. I've completely lost the thread. Doesn't matter, you Google it, it doesn't matter whether it's a support or a case. K-I-D-S-I-E.

K-I-D-S-I-E, kids-y. Yep. Which has started by my brother Matthew and his business partner, Jen. They sell baby and children's products from big brands at a discount. The products are usually new, end-of-line stock or unused customer returns. It's like TK Maxx, but specifically for kids' gear. This is great. The business is focused on affordability for customers and helping to protect the environment by ensuring

these products find a home. They have lots of stock for young children and are launching different baby products from big brands over the summer and autumn to celebrate their offering parenting hell listeners 10 pounds off orders of 50 pounds or more using the code hell yes hell yes if you find one word if you find them online at kidsy.com or on instagram at kidsy shop thank you laura and alex holden remembers kissing you on the lips. Oh, well, there we go. Was it a bit of drunk fun or was it sexual? Is that a fair question? Yep, and we'll find out in the next episode. There we go, perfect.

Right, Josh, I'll see you next time. Merry Christmas to everyone and remember to just put yourself first at times, keep to your routine, still eat and drink healthy, and have fun, but don't let Christmas overwhelm you. It's easy to do, but it'll be all right before you know it. Alex Hong's replied, I still don't know. Ha ha ha ha.

Bye. Bye. ["The Christmas Song"] Hello everybody. Now listen, I know you're busy. Bye. Life with Nat, a Father Christmas special for you and your family. Merry Christmas. Subscribe and follow Life with Nat to get all the best podcasts. Cheers.