Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S9 EP40: Rob vs. Josh

Episode Date: January 17, 2025

More misadventures in parenting, life, and beyond with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe... This week we catch up some of your listener correspondence. Including; Train kettles Rob vs. Josh Boomer stories Dream guests Please follow and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available free everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and of course, tales of parenting woe. Because

let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hey Spotify, this is Javi. My biggest passion is music and it's not just sounds and instruments, it's more than that to me. It's a world full of harmonies with chillers. From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. We're so done with New Year, New You. This year, it's more you on Bumble. More of you shamelessly sending playlists, especially that one filled with show tunes.

More of you finding Geminis because you know you always like them. More of you finding Geminis because you know you always like them. More of you dating with intention because you know what you want. And you know what? We love that for you. Someone else will too. Be more you this year and find them on Bumble. This winter, take a trip to Tampa on Porter Airlines.

Enjoy the warm Tampa Bay temperatures and warm Porter hospitality on your way there. All Porter Fairs include beer, wine and snacks and free fast-streaming Wi-Fi on planes with no middle seats and your Tampa Bay vacation includes good times, relaxation and great Gulf Coast weather. Visit flyporter.com and actually enjoy economy hello you're listening to parenting hell with Matilda can you say Rob Beckett and can you say Josh Whiddicombe you say it a bit louder Josh Whiddicombe and can you say parenting hell parenting hell there we go I like that that first Josh Whiddicombe. Good girl and can you say parenting hell? Parenting hell. There we go. I like that.

That first Josh Widdicombe was a bit like a horror film. That's exactly what I thought. It was like someone's dying and they're like who did it? Who killed you? Josh Widdicombe. And can you say Josh Widdicombe? Who did it? Who killed you Sorry, the child's alive and not that, just a whisper. Dear Rob, Josh and Michael, this is my two year old daughter Matilda saying your names. She enjoyed it so much she kept asking to do it again. Matilda recently became a big sister so we are right in the thick of the newborn toddler chaos. I've been listening to your podcast since the lockdown days and really appreciate the sense of solidarity It brings through the highs and lows of parenting. Thank you Martha in Twickenham Martha in Twickers Twickenham again miles away from me could be another planet. I fancy Southwest London. Is it?

I quite like the vibe of it, but I can't move there now kids are in school I like sorry. Sorry to in school. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. I like Surrey. Sorry to say it. I'd love to live in Surrey. Would you? Yeah. Right, we're gonna do some correspondence, aren't we Josh? Yeah we are.

It's your sock all right? What's going on? No, I'm just doing my shoelaces up. Oh okay, fine. Let's do some correspondence. Let's do some bloody correspondence. Right, number one. Regard your recent tour toaster chat. Did you see the box my toaster arrived in Rob?

Yes, massive Selfridges as well. I was like, what's he got? Just a toaster. Just a toaster. Juli, that is the best. Is that the poshest? I love those toasters. I know, they're great toasters. We've had one before. Does toasters get better than that? Is that like, is that the Rolls Royce a toast? If you're Elon Musk and you're going fuck it I'm getting the toaster. What is the toaster? But I've got a question about the duelet. Go on. These are some unrelatable observational. Yeah. So it's got two things

on it. It's got a lever that puts the toast up and down and then it's got a thing that you time for your toast. Yeah. Now invariably I don't know how long my toast is gonna take. I've never got it right. No. So then. For the 10 years I've been toasted. Once I've taken my toast out. Yeah. Do I forcibly move the clock down to zero? Yeah. Which feels like you're breaking a kind of thing. Yeah but in other thing, or do I let it toast nothing? I would turn to zero. Don't let it toast nothing. That's dangerous. Okay, thank you. You've just got a hot toaster.

We did have a duelet before, but it was covered in so much brick dust that we were like, I just think this is unsalvageable. It's time to get a new one. I'll tell you what comes up now and again is one where you can see through the sides. No thanks. Did you see my toaster? I'll tell you to check a page for my little toaster. No. No it's just it's quite just a toaster. Most expensive toaster. That can't be correct. £55,000 from the range. That's got me a typo in it. four slice retro original toaster by swan 54,999 Slay older one go on Rob these are the test another whip round

Fuck you know that's got to be a that's got your money in toast. Do you think they do know that's mental What is this? Let's have a look at it. I mean, it's got, it has to be a, it has to be a typo because it, no, that's mental. Oh, we've got this one's 10 grand. A speed delight grill of auto plate three phase. What the fuck is that? Cater speed.

Oh, it's for, it's a catering toaster. If you do it. If you run a host hell. The Juliet is a couple hundred quid. That's a pretty. It's a good toaster. Oh, there's a smeg and Dolce & Gabbana Collab when we said we could string it out Michael. I'm not sure we can sorry I've got this full disclosure to the listeners. This is a correspondence episode Michael said he was worried. There wasn't enough correspondence I'm said I'm sure we could string it out before right okay, and so far. We are proving No, the bank tried to read me this 600 pounds Dolchin gabbana smeg toaster or for mental or oh my god

It's horrible. Let's put that on our Instagram that's like beast right Rob ready. No. I'm still looking for fuck's sake no I'm just this this one's mental this one's got a screen on it I'm just, this one's mental. This one's got a screen on it. 289. Not as much as a Dolce & Gabbana. No, look, it's got like, that is absolutely mental. You pick the type of bread you're putting in. Oh, fuck off, fuck off.

It's called the Toaster Rebellion. Six smart bread bones, toast, sears outside, looks moisture in, bagel, crisps top, softly toast bottom. English muffin, it toasts each side independently. Isn't that all toasted? What does that mean? Large bagel, adjusts slot and heat settings for deli size.

Toaster pastry. Oh. Pops up. Gently and safely warms filling. Frozen waffles, thaw slowly crisps quickly that is mental it's got like a screen well imagine going to someone's kitchen revolution it's the revolution r1 a 0b high-speed touchscreen toaster to slice smart toaster with painted did instaglow

technology in panini mode what the fuck's panini mark prints out a picture of Kevin how does it do a panini? oh that oh when I thought panini I thought it was sticker books but it does have sandwich toasted sourd you know what actually looks decent there we go and it's got a clock on the front you don't need a clock you've got a watch and a phone do you know what I was laughing at this now I'm into it. Ha! This is like the best advert we've ever done. Because normally the adverts are just us promoting a product. Yeah. But this is real time Rob buying a toaster.

This is from hating it. I didn't know there was this world. There's this see-through one, Maggi Mix Vision Toaster. You can actually see through it which is a bit of fun. But I imagine we'll just get dirty. Yeah. See that one yeah and then this one here you can get a Bugatti toaster what the motorbike people yeah the cars yeah cars fine I'm not a petrol head but like I don't know

if it is Bugatti yeah but yeah sorry is this interesting no there's another Dolce & Gabbana smeg one also didn't stop me did it when you tell me it wasn't interesting no no if anything I can't well I think I might buy a toast to a smarts it'll look naff and it'll break too quickly yeah it will look shit yeah well I'll probably end up doing is turning it in the screen face of the wall yeah yeah what like a kind of like in Blair Witch at the end of the yeah right with regards to your recent tour toaster chat actress Amelia Clarke, Game of Thrones yep, Khaleesi, Mother of Dragons posted this on her social media recently and I wondered if it was Rob on route to work or if you guys had any thoughts on train kettles

Describe what that is. Okay, so she's on a train but I was in the vestibule area the vestibule which is where the doors are Yeah, and she has got I Think this is unacceptable. I don't I like the hustle. Is this her or is it someone else who's I think this is unacceptable, I like the hustle. Is this her or is it someone else who's? Well it's on her Instagram and she said tea time today and she's got what I would call a massive kettle. It's not like a little one, it's a massive kettle plugged into the plug, a plastic cup, some honey,

well it looks like, I don't know what the other thing is, milk and a spoon. I would say, I don't mind mind it but she needs to buy the smaller implements yeah you've got you've got I think I think you can boil a kettle kettle from the trains electric yeah I'm got one with that no absolutely not you pay to take it you can use what you want it says mobile phone on top only but fuck it I think yeah I think you can plug anything in just say it's my face got a touchscreen this is touchscreen touchscreen toaster actually I think you can plug anything in. Just saying, it's my face got a touch screen.

There's a touch screen, touch screen toaster actually. I think, I don't mind that, but I would suggest a smaller kettle. Yeah, although. Also you can get, it looks like a commuter train, not a long train as well, doesn't it? That's a virgin train, isn't it? Is it?

Or whatever it is. It looks like a commuter one. The big kettle, does that allow her to carry all the implements for the stuff inside the kettle? I think that that kettle is insanely, like you can get a smaller travel kettle. Yeah? Do you know what?

When I get the train, I don't wander around going, if only there was somewhere to get a hot drink. Always hot drink on the train, always hot drink at the station. Do you know what you can't get at a station? Toast. Toast. And cottage cheese. You can't get at a station? Toast. Toast. And cottage cheese.

You can't get cottage cheese. I'm absolutely obsessed with cottage cheese on toast now. Are you? I crave it. You crave it? If I add it for a few days, I'm like, oh, just get me some. Wow.

I know. And do you know what the problem is? I had a really lovely balsamic vinegar that was thick, but not a glaze. I don't like the glaze. It's like syrup, it's like sauce on ice cream. Yep. And all the other balsamic vinegars I buy... what was that noise? It was the leatherette. All the other balsamic vinegar I buy are too thin. Right. I want a thick vinegar, not a glaze. Hard to find. And where did you find it? I

haven't found it. Oh you've never found it? I'm on watery vinegar still. Oh I'm sorry. But it's hard to buy because you can't judge the consistency. Could you buy the glaze and the vinegar and then mix it up together? Too much to do when I try Hello Rob, Josh and Michael you asked if you're If there were any tall couples listening Did we indeed I am six foot three and my partner is six foot six. Big boys, big girls. Yeah, needless to say our height gets commented on a lot.

I think that's fair. Yeah. When our son was born and mere minutes old, we were holding him for the first time, gazing lovingly into his eyes and telling him how much we already loved him. In a line like people with a snake. Well, this is like, the midwife leant over and said excitedly, can we take you off

to measure him, can we take him off you to measure him now, we're all dying to see how big he is. Well it must get soaked, that must be a fun little subplot of being a midwife. Turns out he was 10 centimetres longer than the average baby. Gee, that's long. That's long, isn't it? With arms like an albatross's wingspan. Fast forward 18 months, now beautiful big boy

is already in age four clothes. How old is he? 18 months. Four. Size four. We can't wait to see how tall he ends up. I do find all sizes are one year too small. My kids, and they're like, I'd say normal size,

are always been in like, if they're six, they're in seven to eight. Yeah. They never get the. Fucking hell, someone's done, if they're six, they're in seven to eight. Yeah. They never get the. Fucking hell, someone's done, this is amazing from Wendy and Marlowe, Rob. Go on. After your recent call out for ways,

Rob and Josh are the opposite. I'm sending my thoughts. She's put them in a table. Really? And there's, right, she has done 20. Jesus, wait, no, that's mine. What does she need to score? Okay, we're gonna give her right or wrong all the way down all right 20 I reckon she's gonna have a strong I reckon a strong

six and then it'll tell off okay after your recent call out for ways Robin Josh different I'm sending you my thoughts during a rather boring meeting I managed to write this and everyone thought I was busy typing Enjoy Wendy and Marlo Rob dog Josh cat Correct well, I think of four cats Do you? wrong wrong Rob barbecue Pringles Josh kettle chips

Absolutely spawn hide go pop chips, but I'll give her killed I'll give her Both though. Are we giving a half a point? I don't have half because I think the opposite needs to be absolutely not for me. Yeah, okay I mean like like Bromley hack me. I can not live where you live. You couldn't live. That's fine Rob we're still friends and that's okay Rob. You hate my life. I hate exactly Rob Fanta orange Josh Sam Pellegrino but Blood Orange. Do you know what I would give her half a point for that because I'm Fanta Twist. Right. Well that's the Fanta family but I don't like Pellegrino. I don't like

Sam Pellegrino. Don't you? It's so private. I tell you why not because it's little metal hat disguised as the fact it's still full of sugar Absolutely, do you know what though in the sitcom version of us? Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah Channel Rob channel 5 the day my hamster learned to talk Josh channel 4 what we can learn from World War 2 leaders I'd prefer to watch the hamster one. I'm not giving her that really okay Rob zone 5 Josh zone 2 perfect He's spot on yet. There we go Michael You scoring this no, okay Rob beer Josh gin mocktail

No, I don't don't like fake booze. I like beer This is I'm about this is unbelievable getting into Guinness a bit more though because my belly can't handle the sugar of pints It's I'm getting out if I don't look Josh I have lager, I blow off like a marching band. Ha ha! Like, but not, like, literally everyone, woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo on here walk along and I'll be like in the street clapping so I'll get it and then remind she's got two points so far iPhone for Rob this is a kick in the Jaffas Josh Android fuck off how dare you I think I'd go Android before you yeah but the first thing you did when you got money when you won that competition you bought a Mac?

I love Apple. I love it. Rob, Nike, Josh, Puma. Fuck off. Fuck off. How dare you? You've got your little squeaky Nike trainers. Yeah.

I like Adidas. I like Adidas. They're dead rivals of Puma. I'd say Adidas is my favourite out of those three. Yeah. I like Lacoste. Okay, here's a good one. Rob Lacoste, Josh Sandquist.

Fucking hell. This is an absolute, this is an absolute. Do you know about them? Sandquist? Yeah. No. What is your jacket from today? That's from, how bad was it from?

Albaum. Rob can of Coke, Josh glass bottle of Coke. I don't like Coke. Coke Zero for me. Rob custard- Do you prefer cans to bottles? I don't think she likes me. Rob custard cream, Josh pink wafer.

Fuck it now. I don't like either. Rob shower, Josh bath. Yep. No, I like a shower. Respect. Not this morning you dirty bastard. Oh, I think this is right.

Rob chewing gum, Josh hard chalky mint in a tin. That is... Tree ball. That is bag on. Hubba bubba, I think this is right Rob chewing gum Josh hard chalky mint in a tin nice Treeball that is bag on hubba bubba. I love yeah, that's a good one Rob bunch of flowers Josh fancy plant pot I've stopped buying the flower. She don't like them don't say she's like yeah, Rob blue Josh Navy blue She's right yeah, yeah end of a long meeting. Yeah fucking liven up when Rob cinema Josh there Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'll give her that I'm giving her that you guys she's cult bar and at the end Rob's sofa Josh armchair no sofa all the way

She's asked me your I'm born on to that wait for this Rob play kiss chase at school Josh play conkers at school Fuck it out. I was conkers. You. She just thinks you sit in your chair alone with your fucking pink wafer like some sort of nonce waiting for someone to ask you to go for a drink of mocktail gin. Rob shorts, Josh jeans. Yeah, you don't get your legs out. I do, I'm always wearing shorts around the house. Around the house, I've done it but not out. It's not around the house. This is a fucking brutal one. Rob's X-mas TV, Gavin and Stacey, fair out. It's not round the house, is it? This is a fucking brutal one. Rob's Xmas TV, Gavin and Stacey, fair enough.

Josh's, Nigel Slater's 12 Vegetables of Christmas. Yeah, I mean, I don't even know what that is. Would you watch that? No, no. Nigel Slater's 12 Lasagnas. Rob, this is fucking bang on for your garden, I imagine. Rob, garden, real grass, football goal, barbecue, dog toys on the patio, last year's sprinkler and hose curled up in the corner. Absolutely, garden, real grass, football goal, barbecue, dog toys on

the patio, last year's sprinkler and hose curled up in the corner. Absolutely, it's like she's there. Fucking stalker. That was, that's literally, I felt like I'd been transported back home reading that out. Garden, artificial turf, correct, you can't grow grass in London, thin metal patio furniture, large planters from Kew Gardens shop. No? Yeah. You can't grow grass in London. It's horrible.

What? Just living like a little Victorian street boy. With my pink wafer. Stood in his metal and patio yard. Saving up my shilling from a pink wafer. Stood in his metal and patio yard. Saving up my shilling from a pink wafer. Can't get grass round here squire. Gotta go out the countryside to see green. Hard chalky mint in a tin. I'd go on district line if I wanna see green things. Fucking hell. She got about six. Yeah she nailed you there. She doesn't lie, mate. Calling all sellers. Salesforce is hiring account executives to join us on the cutting edge of technology.

Here, innovation isn't a buzzword. It's a way of life. You'll be solving customer challenges faster with agents, winning with purpose and showing the world what AI was meant to be. Let's create the agent-first future together. Head to salesforce.com slash careers to learn more. This episode is brought to you by RBC Student Banking. Here's an RBC student offer that turns a feel-good moment into a feel-great moment. Students, get $100 when you open a no monthly fee RBC Advantage Banking

account and we'll give another $100 to a charity of your choice. This great perk and more, only at RBC. Visit rbc.com slash get 100 give 100. Conditions apply. Ends January 31st, 2025. Complete offer eligibility criteria by March 31st, 2025. Choose one of five eligible charities, up to $500,000 in total contributions. Hi, Rob and Josh. I have a boomer parenting sibling story that ended up with me being permanently disfigured. Fuck, ignore her. When I was four years old, my house had a gas fireplace with a flame in the bottom when it was ignited.

What a fucking story that is. Is this okay to read out? The removable bottom of that fire that covered the ignition was broken, so it wouldn't clip in and the flame was often visible To keep me away from the fire my father and sister seven years older than me Used to tell me that the flame was from an angry fire dragon that lived in the fire So every time the fire was on I was petrified

When the fire was turned up, I'll just say it's really hot. Yeah, so don't touch it Yeah, exactly rather than inventing this fire dragon when the fire was turned up The noise of the flame roared louder which terrified me even more One day the gas man came to the house to which my sister told me he was coming to feed the fire dragon I did find when I was a kid though those old gas fires when I was a kid I remember being scared at someone else when they had a gas fire because they weren't as like neat and as quiet and as advanced because they weren't as like neat and as quiet and as advanced as that. It was like, raaargh! Like his flame come out.

Yeah. Yeah. I know what you mean. Well... And I was like, why doesn't... What happens if that flame just goes back in and then everything explodes? Didn't you used to think that? Yeah.

Yes. Because I always think, because I don't have a gas hob and I think I'm scared of it. Are you scared of gas hobs? I'm a bit like, there's a you're not supposed to you're supposed to keep fire and flames away from the from gas so if I think I've watched programs on telly where there's a gas leak and they light a flame it explodes so I'm like well should we be light in the gas? Have I ever told you about my gas leak? No. So one of the first Edinburgh's I did, I was waking up every morning

and throwing up every morning. Oh God. And I was like, it's all right because that's just, it's just my drinking. Every morning I wake up. I don't need to worry about that, just violently sick every morning. I'll deal with that in 20 years. Every morning. It's mental that you were sick every morning but just palmed it that in 20 years. Every morning. It's mental that you were sick every morning but just palmed it off as just that's just what I do. So I go into the shower and I be sick. Just be sick. Yeah. And I get on with my day. And one day I had a the door was on a. Actually it's only telling me life was staying out of the pub was good for you. Exactly. Well the door of my bedroom was on a swinger. Yeah.

Like you know it's swung shut like in a, and one day for some reason I had to prop the door open and within 30 seconds the gas alarm in the house went off. So it was a leak in your bedroom? It was a leak in my bedroom. But you had no alarm? god Josh I'd been in it for two weeks was you sick every morning? Josh it is insane! and then we got the guy out was this your solo show or with other people this was really the comedy zone yeah I think it was when I was doing a cast a Helman would have come live at the voodoo rooms one star three weeks depressing That's leak gas poison. Yeah Go again, we go again bird flu

Got bird flu for the last two days. There's Oh, it's so awful that Edinburgh got bird flu I was just dripping with sweat so much in bed that I'd get up and then I'd go back to bed in the evening and my bed was still wet. And that was the last three days and our venue, the voodoo rooms, had, was on the quietest street of the quietest area of Edinburgh. 25 minutes from the main drag. No point in flyering, because everyone around the area was just going home from work. Also out of you three I don't

think there's a great flyer in there. No exactly. You'd probably be the leading man for the flyer and you're not natural. And then I did that, and there was a room had like smashed light bulbs. There's more to this! Yeah and there was a bucket of like smashed light bulbs in it. There's more to this. Yeah, and there was a bucket of sick that appeared at the back of the room halfway through the show. Halfway through the... The two week, three weeks. Yeah, no one did anything about it.

They just put a newspaper over it and it just remained there at the back of the room for the whole time. No one was ever in the bar. And then when we phoned up to say we couldn't do the last three shows because I had a bird flu, they didn't even have have their landline was disconnected

So so what happened with the gas leak so I had a gas leak in my room and then I I would say if you are waking up in the morning being sick go to a doctor, but Probably would have yeah, I was drinking till about 4 a.m. So I was thinking that's probably what this is. Yeah So I was drinking till about 4am so I was thinking that's probably what this is. Yeah. So the alarm went off? I was in a great place. The alarm went off, the gas man came out, fixed it and I was like, that was close wasn't it? I could have died.

And he looked wistfully into the distance and said, no, gone are the days when you could kill yourself in a gas oven. Good old days. Good old days. Good old days. So I don't know what that means. So you can't die from it. I don't want to be putting that message out. This is just what he told me.

Oh yeah, or no one's going to stab a pipe and go let's try. To me it still felt weird. It's definitely something you don't want to go through. I was like, come on, surely you can die of gas poisoning. Yeah, surely. Surely. Gas isn't now safe. Gas is still gas. I sometimes get a train from Chisler Station

and there's this fucking, they're digging something up where it just stinks of gas all the time and they're in the ground. I saw a man go down on a ladder with a full face mask like it was like, in a proper gas mask like you see in a GoldenEye, right? Covered in a massive tube about 20 meters long, connected to a oxygen tank,

and he was going underground, I was like, how fucking leaky is it? There's trains going over this. That's awful. Yeah, anyway, so that's my gas story. Anyway, back to this. Inhaling high concentration, because it also needs a fixio,

and the body's required of oxygen and possibly death, so you can, if it's too much oxygen, but just a bit will make you sick. Yeah, well that was what was happening to me. Yeah. So. A high concentration can cure you in less than five minutes, you must have had a small leak

that just made you vomit. Maybe it wasn't the gas leak, maybe you. Maybe it was just the way I was living my life. Yeah. Anyway, one day, the gas man came to the house, to which my sister told me that he was coming to feed the fire dragon I was obviously terrified and tried to run out the back door as I opened the door my sister slammed it sharp. Oh

Catching and cutting off the top of my index finger. Oh, no That's a really important thing about your blood everywhere and bone visible. I can only imagine the sight the poor gas What was this door like a metal shut? and bone visible I can only imagine the sight the poor gas man walked into while I was screaming crying and I didn't want him to feed the fire dragon luckily my finger had only officers can I say something that sounds like fingering feed the fire dragon sounds like feed the pony I don't like it when was the last time you fed the fire dragon Rolf. That's not. Luckily my finger. That's not losing it then. Yeah. Fucking hell the sparks gone. Yeah. Um, luckily my finger. Fancy a title feed the fire dragon. Luckily my finger had only lost the skin and a bit of flesh and grew back. But slightly. It depends how well you feed it. Slightly shorter than my index finger. Genuinely I've never lost a finger finger

in. I've tried. Anyway today's guest Alec Brooker. The absolute legend of finger in this guy. He's gone head dead with a fire dragon one too many times. He's fed the pony and lost. Sorry. God, it's what laddie, isn't it? Yeah, luckily my finger had only lost the skin and a bit of flesh and grew back but slightly shorter than my other index finger and with a curved nail, I can't picture that because aren't your nails curved? Yeah.

Oh, no. They're so straight. The nail actually comes in handy for some things including opening cans of drinks. Oh maybe it's like a pointed one. And finding the end of the sellotape. I call it my Swiss army claw. Keep being sexy and relatable. Conor, 335 months. Get him on the only last leg! Get the finger out! They say, they told us we couldn't feel for an hour Rob, we fucking spun the ten minutes out of that. Got a bit rude though didn't it?

Got a bit rude? Got a bit bleak at one point about Edinburgh. We talked about your sort of alcohol dependency, quick bit of fingering and gas leaks. It all in all, loads of perioding covered. Throughout it also I thought it was a pictured a female and then it was Connor at the end. I know. Why is that? Why is that?

Do you want me to do some? Why not? Boomer, this is from Liz and Tom from Warrington. Hello you three sexy slags. We are day one listeners to the podcast here but have never emailed in until now. It's a boomer that's too shocking to not share. We was visiting my husband's grand house with the kids at the weekend while she was showing us all old photos she began to recite a story about when her husband decided to drop their 10 and 11 year old sons off at Whitby with their bikes to bike home to

teach them some life skills. They lived in Salford. It apparently took them a week. Fuck off. To get home, 10, 11, a week to get home stopping at some youth hostels along the way. Fuckin' hell. And rang. Cause Whitby's on the East Coast.

Jesus. And rang home from a phone box every day. She said that she cried the whole week and was very glad when they were home in one piece. Fucking hell. That is awful. Whitby is the basis of Dracula? I mean it's not a bad idea when they're like 18 and 16 as an adventure.

So Salford, that is so funny, it's a two and a half hour drive. Yeah. It's a 12 hour cycle. Well they took the piss for a week. Put your toe down lad. Different now though isn't it? Because that'll be cycling along the M62. Absolutely yeah. And also better bikes now. Better bikes. Better bikes. Are you allowed to cycle on a motorway? You can't be can you? No. Right let's do another one. Parenting fail. Do you want a parenting fail?

Yeah. Hi, Rob and Josh. I have a parenting fail story for you. Quite a few years ago, when my brother was around eight years old, one morning, my mom was upstairs getting ready for the school run, whilst my brother was downstairs having his breakfast.

My mom received a phone call from his primary school very concerned. They received a call from another parent who said, they saw my brother running down one of the main roads near his primary school in his pants. My mum panicked, ran downstairs and out of the house when she saw my little brother with our dog heading back up our pathway, my mum was so confused and angry when she asked my brother what was going on, my brother explained our dog had apparently escaped through the letter box. What?

The letter box. And he had to rescue him. This was obviously not true. My dog did not escape through the letter box. My brother had opened the front door and my dog had run away. My mum was absolutely mutifed on the score on the morning but still makes me laugh to this day from Molly. I don't, sorry, I don't understand what's happened.

So the, he'd let the dog out and the dog escaped. So he's run after the dog. Oh in his pants? In his pants. Run down the road past the parents house. The parents go to school saying there's a child in his pants running down the road. When he's come back with a dog he's lied and said he got through the let up pants. Fair enough. That's not a parenting fail. Yes it is. Why? Well the child can't be trusted downstairs alone and she's upstairs. Can they? So it should be but that's a life... So you think is a general parenting fail? I don't think yeah I think maybe if you've got a child that thinks a good

lie as it got through the letterbox I think that could be a bit more supervision. Ha ha ha. Ages put a number you know. Yeah fair fair. Do you want to list a question Rob? Yeah. Okay. Here you go. Go on. Tell me where to stop Stop. Okay. What would be your death row meal? Death row meal? Have you done off menu? Joe is mental. What? I'd go with sourdough cottage cheese and toast. Would you? Yeah. I just think you're gonna die. Let's get it over and done with sourdough cottage cheese and toast. Would you? Yeah. I just think you're gonna die,

let's get it over and done with. Quick bit of dinner, let's fuck it on. Let's go. I need to eat. But I would request a toast with a touchscreen. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I smacked Dolce & Gabbana toaster and a toast with a touchscreen and do a slice in each.

Could I be put to death with an electric chair with a touchscreen? Yeah, I could do it myself. I could do it myself. Independently toast boat type. I think I might not be that up for eating. Maybe like a really dirty burger, a cold pint a lager with a little steak on the side. Why not? Cold pint, Fanta twist and a coffee bonbon. What's a coffee bonbon? You ever had a coffee bonbon? What's a coffee bonbon? You ever had a coffee bonbon? What's a coffee bonbon? Absolute rocket fuel.

Condensed milk in a little espresso cup with a shot of coffee on top. Yeah. It's layered so a see-through glass cup where you can see the condensed milk, see that, mix it up. Oh my god. It's like this sugary, syrupy goodness with a coffee. And you'll have, I have them in Spain on city breaks I have one of them I'm marching around I've seen everything in five

minutes yeah well that's ideal come on let's bring on the death love a bomb coffee cafe but are they called bonbons? What about you? Franco Manca number five with no anchovies and extra chilies. Fair enough. Yeah. Who would be your dream guest one alive and then anyone from history to chat to on the show from Sarah Teese? Oh, I'd love to have Gary Oldman. He'd be good. I love Gary Oldman.

Yeah. Denzel Washington. Yeah. He was so sexy and smooth in an interview. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you see that? I've been with Denzel Washington. Have you?

I've been on Graham Norton with Denzel Washington. He was on a Zoom, but it's still the same. Yeah, I thought that doesn't really count though. It doesn't count, does it? Such a shame. I asked him a question. Why would you ask him? I said that I'd fallen asleep halfway through training day and asked him how it ended.

I mean, I want to say it's a bit of fun, but it is it, is it? It was a bit of fun. Did you like that? He had a big old laugh. We all had a big old laugh when we moved on. But that's the problem when you're a comedian. That is funny. Yeah, because what am I going to say to him? Denzel, where do you get your ideas from? Fuck off. Oh Denzel, you're so good in this. Could you tell me, you know, how you get in such a deep character? He told me what happened. Oh yeah.

King Kong ain't got shit on me. Bit of a treat Rob, I haven't even seen training day I just made it up for the joke. You're a good guy you're in there you're putting a shift in Graham gives you a nod first second third big round of applause move on get on Twitter everyone slags you off for too much but it's nothing to do with you it's the quiet fucking actors that we're hired to film. Can I say this I'm sick of of this. I'm fucking sick of it. Alright, I'll get the call normally two days before because they booked a boring fucking actors. And I'm the panic, smash glass in case of emergency.

I absolutely love being the late call for a chat show. Oh, you can't, you're telling that. Don't get me wrong. I love doing it and I love being on it and I love being asked. This isn't shade on the chat show. They are making- No, no, it's an honour. It's an honour to be there. It's always exciting. Always always exciting and thank you for booking me keep please keep booking me but just be aware people on twitter that if it looks like i'm talking a lot it's a two hour show there's a long edit i can't help it if

i get in the show all i'm saying is some of these guys stories john squire some of these anecdotes of onset of call the midwife are shit Okay So what can they put on the show John Squire enough? Squire They were quite funny in a sort of mad way and this is what Denzel Washington said can I play this? We've played that haven't we? Did I play it before on here? Well, you've played it. Well, he said that she's taking you to be my therapist. Yeah, I'm obsessed with it. Well, let's play it. I I play it before on it? Well, you played when he said that she said keep it my therapist. Yeah, I'm obsessed of it Well, let's play again Learn to act on stage

Don't rely on social media put it down turn it off. Shut up. Be quiet learn read Put it down, turn it off, shut up, be quiet, learn, read, relax, get better. First part of your life you learn, second part of your life you earn, third part of your life you return. Can you be my therapist? I already am. So good. Jesus Christ. But you know what?

Imagine being able to be that cool. Do you know what? If she'd ask the train in there a question we'd have all had a lovely little laugh. That's right. Let me try and be cool at Denzel Washington. What shall I do the train in there? I'll be the train in there. I'll be the train in there. I'll be the train in there. I'll be the train in there. I'll asked the training day question we'd all have a lovely little laugh. Let's try that, let me try and be cool

like Denzel Washington. What shall I do the training day question again? What's that? Okay yeah. Okay so Denzel I've got a question. Yo yeah chat! I can't say yo. No no no. Denzel I've got a question. Yeah yeah. You got an Oscar for training day I saw it but I was on a flight so I was incredibly tired and I fell asleep halfway through mm-hmm what happens yeah yeah first party life you learn second part of life you earn third party life your turn I don't get the third one. That means sort of do charity work, which. Oh, right, yeah. Yeah, we're not on that stage yet.

I feel like I'm nearly finished learning. Ha ha ha ha. But not 100% sure. Ha ha ha ha. It's all right, Matt. I think I, Denzel, quick question, have I finished learning yet? Ha ha ha ha.

Because I don't, yeah, I want to learn as well. But I fear the urn bits, the jungle and strictly. I don't want to be in that bit yet. Do you think... What? No, great for you. Personally, not for me. I'd rather do jungle than strictly, but you'd rather do strictly in jungle.

Right, back to the correspondence. Absolutely. Are we done, Michael? No. How far off are we done Michael no oh you haven't given me your dream guests I love Gary Oldman I'd like Ray Winston Denzel Washington yeah and which she thinks the most gettable I think Winston's gettable Winston's gettable I think I like Winston's. He just sort of does a few films and goes to Italy.

Winston's gettable. I think Gary Oldman would be a much harder. That's a difficult game. That's a difficult game. And Denzel Washington. Only if he's on promo. Only if you're lucky. Only if you wait in a hotel room for 12 hours

for him to sit down for 20 minutes. Yeah, yeah. To put a little black t-shirt on and real out the same old shit he's done to TikTok tick tockers all over the world yeah he practiced that little speech actually I've gone off that get rid of that speech I'm gonna say it not off the cuff do you think Will Smith might be gettable now that he sort of no one wants him because he slapped Chris Rock yeah put on asking you know Jada Pinkett Smith did Sunday brunch what What a bookie.

What did Tim Lovejoy say to us? What's your favourite biscuit? How do you keep your head from getting burnt on a holiday? Rimmer struggles, ain't you Rims-o? Rims. What would be your dream guest? Lovejoy and Rimmer. I'm interviewing for six hours.

We'd interview them for six hours. And make a meet in some porridge we've made. We play clips in between of shows that have been on channel four. Yeah then James Bade comes out and does an acoustic song. Yeah. No love Sunday Brunch. I've made it into the Sunday Brunch legends thing. What's how many times you have to go? I don't know. Well I've got a special cup because I've done it three or four times. Yeah you appear on the you're on the fridge. Right because I've done it 70 times. I'll go on another time but I've been down loads. I need to go back. Do what you have on. I think I'd quite like Jürgen Klopp.

Did not expect that. Yeah I like Jürgen Klopp. I'd quite like, um... What? I don't know, you just made me laugh. I think I'd quite like Prince Harry. Yeah, absolutely, that'd be great. That would be amazing. We're here if you want us. And then I'd quite like Jeremy Clarkson. Yes, he's always good value.

He's got kids, hasn't he? And I think I disagree with almost everything he says, so I think it'd be quite a fun episode. But he's there. We talk about farms. Oh yeah, maybe I wouldn't want him. Fuck it, don't want him. I think they're good guests. And my dead ones.

Yeah. Oh no, no, I want Sir Paul McCartney. That's who I want, 100%. Paul McCartney all the way. And my dead one, I want John Lennon. I only wanted Lily Allen. We've had Lily Allen, but I wanted Lily Allen, so we had Lily Allen but I wanted Lily Allen so we got Lily Allen. Yeah that'd be good that was good. It wasn't, it was good. Kate Winslet. Kate Winslet would be good. Dead I'd like David

Bowie. Yep. And Genghis Khan dead. You like Genghis, Henry VIII. Henry VIII. Henry the bloody VIII. No when I said that, you'd be a a dinner party guest? Oh my god. That was a good episode. Did you prefer Ramesh or Henry the 8th episodes? Because Ramesh actually got more listeners unbelievably. Yep. Henry the 8th's got more wives. Right, do you want to do one more correspondence?

Nightmare for Crosby's Law with Henry the 8th. Boomer teaching. My story is about teaching rather than parenting but it's just as outrageous in 2024. When I was about six years old in 1996, my school year was taken to a 999 day where there were firemen, police and ambulance workers. They told us about what they did. We were educated in how to call 999 and what information to give if anything went wrong. At about lunchtime, my best friend Amy was nowhere to be seen Suddenly a police officer asked if we had seen Amy we hadn't I know what's going on here

Unsatisfied with this answer he began screaming at us that we should call 999 as Amy had clearly been taken we had to report it Yeah, unsurprisingly none of the six-year-old girls wanted to call 999 so after five minutes the officer announced to us that we had Failed to call 999, so after five minutes the officer announced to us that we had failed to call 999. Amy was now dead. Pass! Amazing. To say I was devastated is an understatement. For about five minutes until he revealed it was simply teaching us a lesson and Amy was safe and well,

erm, and revealed she was not dead, I thought my friend was dead. Still hate calling 999. Cheers, Tess Manchester. Fucking hell. Still hate calling 999? Cheers, Tess Manchester. Fuck it out. Still hate calling 999? How often do you do it? Oh, I love it, me. Hello, me again. Yeah, temperature on the kid.

What should we do? 101, all right, man. I'll get it out. No one loves ringing 999. I don't think I've ever rung 999. I can't remember if I have or not. No, it's probably a bleak avenue. Yeah, he's already done gas leaks.

Email in, have you rung 999? No, no, no, do not email in. Why have you been trying to email in? Or do you email in 999 if you rung as a child and what happened? Oh yeah, yeah. That was when it was a day, wasn't it? When you were a kid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ring 999. Have I told you about phoning from my primary school? I must have told you this. Go on. So, because I went to such a tiny primary school, when we answered the register, we wouldn't say here, we'd say packed or dinners.

I think you've told me this before, I don't know if you've told me on here, but you'd say what lunch you had. Yeah, and then one of the kids' jobs was to count up the amount of people who said dinners. And then you'd go to the phone, and you'd phone the next school. And say how many you needed.

Because we didn't have a kitchen. Very much your life now. Come full circle. You've never had a kitchen. It was the first Deliveroo. Small business. Hello, just wanted to email about small business in Barry South Wales at love penny and co lo ve pe nny a nd co that are treasure trove of girly accessories perfect for any occasion your recent trip to the land the mouse at Disney made

me think of sending this in as she does beautiful Disney inspired hair clips and headbands as well as all the other items that can be personalized. She also does festive Christmas bows and headbands ideal for anyone going to Lapland UK or festive activities in general. This email doesn't do her justice so please take a look at her Instagram page. I have two boys myself and three nephews, but I look for any excuse to shop here for gifts. Thank you Jodie. That's lovepennyandco, and they do accessories. Also, Lapland UK is opening in Manchester next year.

Is it? Yeah, thoroughly recommend that if you've not been able to get down south. How's Father Christmas gonna split his time? Come on, mate. Bit of fun, isn't it? Come on. Hi, Rob Josh and Michael.

Would love it if you could give a small business shout out. We are a family-run escape room. It's called Agent Brains. All of our staff are either our friends or family, and we're recommended to listen to your podcasts by multiple of them. Big fans. We have five different rooms on offer,

which include the themes. The 1980s, Escape from the 1980s escape from the 1980s nice jungle science lab casino and castle escape rooms are the perfect Christmas activity to spend time with your friends and family our Instagram and Facebook is called agent brains one word thank you for such an awesome podcast stay sexy and relatable from Alex and Kaden at agent brains nice I've got quite fun escape rooms. Yeah.

Did you ever done one? No. No. Would you? I think you get stressed. Not my s- You would like to collaborate. I, people fucking love escape rooms.

So it's like an instruction book and they're all crowding around it. I don't like to feel like I'm being plotted against. No, but that, you're all trying to escape, it's not like you've won it. No, I want it by the company. If I know, of course you've been plotted against because that, it's not leave one in. By the company. If, of course you're being plotted against, because that's the whole point of escape room.

If it wasn't- That's why I struggle with it. If they weren't plotting against you, it would just be a room with a door that you could enter and leave at will. That's my scene. Right, okay. All right, fair enough. Everyone's got their own-

Everyone's got their own things. Just a room you like. Just a room. Yeah. Do send in if you've got a room. But if you do like escape rooms can I recommend Agent Brains? Absolutely. What recommendation that is for someone who just likes rooms? Yeah. Because he doesn't like to feel plotted against. It's the same reason I don't like, you know that game Downfall? No. Where you twist the things and... Kaplunk. Is that Kaplunk? Where you pull the sticks out and the marbles fall? No not

that one I like that one because I know where I am with it I don't like a game battleships is another I don't like a game where I don't know what the other person knows. You don't like strategy? No I do like strategy but I don't like to not know what the other person knows. You don't like to not know what the other person knows? So you know that one where there's like a wall, like the old one once, what's it called? Yeah, downfall, yeah. Downfall. Don't like it.

Because you don't know if you're going to ruin it by turning your knob. And you think it's blind luck and it could be unjust. No, I don't think it's blind luck. I think someone's plotting against me and it stresses me out. You're plotting against them. I know. You don't like it. So neither of us are happy.

Right. You don't like plotting against someone. I don't like plotting against someone. I don't like plotting against someone. Or being plotted. Can't we all just be friends? No, that's how the world works. See you next week. Bye!