Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S9 EP45: A Voice note From Lou Beckett

Episode Date: February 4, 2025

More misadventures in parenting, life, and beyond with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe... In this episode we discuss pros and cons of potential future pet ownership, and Lou sends Josh a fun voicenote to play to Rob in response to the Harry Judd episode last week Please follow and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available free everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and of course, tales of parenting woe. Because

let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hey Spotify, this is Javi. My biggest passion is music and it's not just sounds and instruments, it's more than that to me. It's a world full of harmonies with chillers. From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. Hello, you're listening to Parent in Hell with... Hello. Amelie, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett.

Can you say Josh Widicombe? Josh Widicombe. Very cute. Hi Rob, Josh and Michael. Hi. you say Josh with a gun. Hi Rob, Josh Michael, here's Amelie to very good to waiting for her brother to arrive disclaimer. This was recorded in May. It's taken me a while to send in. I don't know if that's a disclaimer doesn't really matter. Does it?

I feels like he's beating himself up. She It doesn't really matter, does it? It feels like he's beating himself up. She. She. Sorry. I think I may have misheard what you said in the... I don't think I was listening to what you said. No, no, fair enough. That's totally fair enough.

If anything, the bit where I read the email at the start, that's a chance for you to just chill. Well, no, I was still sort of like enjoying the kid giggling and then you're into it, which is not criticism to your read of it. I was having so much fun. Yeah. That's me clicking my finger to go, you know, a rapid fire of a mock the week edit. Yes, of course. You're a pretty dynamic guy. Yeah. When you watch more the week now on Dave, you're like, Whoa,

this is not helping. First of all, when you doing that, what's going wrong? Are you okay? And you've got your bowl of rice crispies, which I have fun. I get in from my gig. That is a danger zone for eating for me after a gig at home alone. That's so difficult, isn't it? It's so quiet and calm and all the pressure and stress of gigging has gone.

And you just sit there with a bit of cheese on toast. Oh, cheese on toast. You cheeky little devil. I know. And I think, am I going to have crazy dreams? Probably. But I like cheese. Do you believe the cheese dreams thing? Do I believe that it gives you dreams or do I believe what happens in the dreams? No, the first. The first. Um,

I imagine there is some science, but I think I'm not, I don't think I'm eating enough to re like, it's not like a sprinkle. I've I'm having like toast. Well, I'm still having cheese on toast in denial. Well, what I'll do is I'll get to some toast and sort of like butter it and think like, Oh, I'm just having a bit of toast. Aren't I? Oh, there's some grated cheese in there that the kids have. I'll just sprinkle a bit of that on. I'm not having cheese on toast. Do you have un-melted cheese on toast? And before I was on the grind to getting ripped for 40, I would have mayo on top of that.

Oh my word. Which is delicious. But, you know, I'm trying to be healthy. You're looking good Rob, with your long hair and your long hair, my greasy long hair and glasses. I was thinking, do you know what it came up on my phone? The it recommended me I'm unbelievably parenting hell I think on Spotify or something. So you listen to yourself and watch it all week.

Don't send me this again. And we looks really different. Yeah, we've had a good chat. I think that's good. Change your look now and again. What we didn't actually hear from that lady, did we? Oh, sorry. Yeah. I'd misgendered her. And then I'm a long term listener. You got me through long pram walks and rocking Amelie to sleep. Now I listen while cooking dinner, trying not to have a breakdown from having two young children who don't fucking

sleep. Ellis six months and Amelia two. That is a, that's a tough, that is insane. 18 month turn at 18 month gap. Yeah. Yeah. That is because my brother's got a two, nearly two, she is. And they are that when the baby gets to like 18 months, that next two, nearly two, she is. And they are that when the baby gets like 18 months, that next two, three years, I think that is the most sort of labor intensive graft. Yeah. I mean, just if they like it's that bit when they're mobile just before nursery. Yeah, you know, I mean, and then but then even if they go in nursery or say you're both full time working, yeah. Yeah.

Okay, so your child has to go into childcare in the week. And normally it's like a nine to five or nine to six set up because you've got to get in and out of London. I think what happens there though is it makes weekends so hard because you're not, you're not ready for it. Cause basically your job at that stage is get them up, get them ready, drop them off, pick them up, get them fed, get them, you're en route to something where it's like, yeah, get up, go there, get them back, go home. Whereas at the weekend, it's just like two days of full

throttle. And then the worst part of that is when they go to school, they finish at three. Yeah, so you actually take a step back. But then there's so much easier. So true. So this weekend we had, and I'll talk about this. My daughter had her first sleepover. Oh, nice. But that's just flagged in my head that so her friend who's seven as well, they're born on the same day, actually. And she came around, Kate, her mom with, with my daughter's friend, and John, the dad, we were like, Oh, where's John? And he take and they've got a 18 month old, maybe two, maybe not to 18 months. And it was freezing. And he's taken her to the park. And I just thought,

fuck it now. Poor fucking bastard. Like, of course you've got to do that. She's toddling around. She'll enjoy the slide. But that is you don't want to be in a park. Not this weekend. It's January or maybe I can't even remember maybe the first of February. First of February. Fucking freezing. The sun was lovely though. When the sun was out. Yeah, but this was on Saturday and you're just like, oh my God. I just genuinely, I know this sounds mad. So when Plymouth got promoted, not last season, the year before, we got 101 points. It was our points record ever.

Yeah. And if you ask me what my memories of the season are, it is being in the play park at Victoria Park and getting goal alerts on my phone because for 3pm kickoffs I would always, seemingly on a Saturday, be in that park with a one and a half year old. There was a time where whatever I said to you, There was a time where when whatever I said to you, two things were said. Yeah. I went to the park and roses away. There was a period in time. There were different times.

I know, but in my head, if I had to like, as well as let me tell you this for free and that all over you, you know, your little, you know, your little bookmarks. Um, but I'd say two of your biggest catchphrases from our interactions on this show has been roses away. That was Away, that was a serious period, and Owens the Park. And the other one that's creeping up into third spot is, oh, that's Adrian. Adrian's here. Well, Adrian, not much longer. I've told him this morning, but we've changed our times again. I told him to be silent between 10 and 1230 Well that we've actually booked in 10 to 1. Yeah

so That's a great we both agreed that Michael said we could get hard out by 1220 So anything I've given us No, but that we do we do you but we've always done a three hour chunk. I know, but this morning I said to Adrian, I'll be recording from 10 till 12.30. Right, okay. Oh yeah, because we moved it slightly. So he's being quiet.

Yeah, but now we've moved it to 9.20. So the first 40 minutes. Oh, so he's actually in his loud zone. He's in his loud zone at the moment. But he's only grouting today. Yeah. I mean, if you, if you're loud grout and you're doing it wrong, I found out something about agent from a WhatsApp group that I've got with you and Lou and Rose at the weekend.

Yeah. What have you found out about agent? That he's a painter decorator rather than a builder. I didn't know this. Yeah, because you keep calling him the builder, but Rose said he's a painter. We need someone. Would Adrian come south of the river? So Adrian, and I'm not going to bring this out, yeah he would, I'm sure. Adrian, he's got a car.

I can tell you the number plate off by heart because I have to put it in. Adrian, there's a little parking spot right outside my house. No parking, no wardens, no people. You'd love talking to him in some place with Crystal Palace. Oh, does he? Yeah, you'd love that. Oh, he's always down south then. Yeah. We do need Adrian around. So when Adrian's finished at yours, can he come to ours? Adrian and I, I refuse to take him up on this and he keeps going. He's like,

will you, he says, when I finish here, you've got to promote me on your podcast. I wanted to say agent, you don't realize how central you are to the fucking podcast. He should get some sort of writing credit for the for the appearances he makes. He's been feeding the hamster the fish still needs water. But No, no, no, it's gone up. It's gone up. Sorry. Yeah. And I bought a two litre. Oh, so that's so boring. It's never stopped us before. Don't start putting in some sort of quality control with it. So Michael's for he'll be the judge if it's boring or not. And if you are listening to this bit, then God knows what's on the cutting room floor.

Do you know what? I listened to Ramesh and Tom Davis. What was that called? Wolf and Owl. Yeah. Yeah. Um, it's really good. Um, I listened because I was told that they did an impression of me queuing up to have sex with Bonnie blue. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, do you know who she is now? Yeah. It's a funny image though. You queuing up to Only fans model. Yeah, they talk about proper issues Rob. Oh, do they? Yeah, I couldn't believe my ears I just presume they talk about any old shit like us Breaking down they were they were talking about Bonnie blue because it was topical right?

and then they were talking about a couple of other things that were like, not like Gaza, but like, like popular culture in the news. Do you know what I mean? But like the issues, the actual kind of thing like deep, like deep, the blue shark, the AI thing from China that's been made cheaper than that week, but like the kind of thing that would be put in parts two or three of The Last Leg was what was coming up on there. So you're saying they're copying The Last Leg? I'm saying they're copying Have I Got News For You. Well, my notes to talk about are bitses, horrible histories, new pet, leopard gecko, pygmy goats,

chinchilla. Yeah, exactly. They're covering none of them. Unless a Leopard Goat was in the news because it's... It's not a Leopard Goat, it's a Leopard Gecko. Leopard Gecko, unless a Leopard... Sorry, I sound like an idiot. Unless a Leopard Gecko was in the news. A Leopard Goat would look...

I'd like one of them. Look, I reckon they might talk about the writer's strike in Hollywood. There's that element of like, Yeah, but no, I think I'm more a leopard goat guy. I think if you put leopard print on a goat and wrote Ganni on it, I reckon school mums would hold it under their arm at the gates. Do you know what I love? When's the leopard print going to end? Because I do love it.

I tell you what, is it eternal? I said when I do gigs now, every woman's in leopard print. So doing a fucking safari in Basinstone. Every woman's got leopard print on at some point. And I did up the creek last night. It was the last ever Sunday special. The last ever up the creek Sunday special. Yeah, it's great. It was well, because it's been going 20 years, I used to go there to watch it as a punter. When I was

like 18. Then when I was like 18. Then when I was like 22, 23, I did my first ever gig at the Sunday special. So then I was the last act. Well, Kitson was the last act as the MC. But yeah, I did the last night. Yeah, it was good, actually. But I went on and I don't know, it's because I'm used to doing my own show. There wasn't enough leopard print. What was that? There wasn't enough leopard print. No, but I went on and because it was late, it was like 10 15. I went on and normally I'm done by then and I was tired and it was something I went on and I just felt really

calm before I went on. When I went on, I just, I literally, I don't know if it's because my brain was thinking about the first time I ever did it. I completely shat myself like I haven't done since I started and got all nervous I couldn't really get my words and I was like watching myself going what the hell's going on? And tried to write out it was awful. I saw I sort of recovered and then by the end it was fine but the first five minutes I was like, this is like, you know when like you watch a boxer go out he's like Well respected box, but the first round is absolutely chinned immediately and then they're on dodgy legs Yeah, so I was like that but He was like, well, respected box, but the first round to get absolutely chinned immediately and then they're on dodgy legs. So I was like that. But I was like, wow. Was it an emotional evening?

It's quite hard to do sincerity when it's me, Daniel Kitson and Will Briggs. None of us are the arm around the shoulder sort of. How are you feeling guys? I did do a Your Mum joke to Daniel Kitson though, because he wanted to introduce me by, um, Daniel Kitson is like the sort of one of the best comedians ever, but he's very private. Doesn't do TV, doesn't do big tours, sort of just does whatever he wants. And he wanted to introduce me on stage by my TV credits that no one would have

heard of. Yeah. Or so he's going to give me some of the more like random things you've done. So I gave him plastic surgery shockers from E4 and wedding day winners with Lorraine Kelly. And then the other one was all together now with ginger spice and it was on stage. That was a big one. He did the first, I don't know, but it's funny though, isn't it?

She's saying ginger spice is a punchline. And then it was on stage and he said, uh, what else? And what else have you been on? And I went, your mom. It's like, you don't get an open goal for your mom. Yeah, yeah, really nice. And really nice, Rob, because Kitson is the king of kind of whimsy and intellectual comedy. But he loves that stuff.

If he's gonna let me your mom him. Yeah, I mean, and I did that. What do you figure this is the fight? Because I was like, right, I need to think of a joke to do at the end, because it's like, it's like the end of a thing. I said a couple of nice words about it. Then I said, Oh, I'm going to do, because I did my first ever gig here. I'm going to do my first ever gig. I ever did on stage to close the final of the gig here. Oh my God. Incredible. And then I said,

Russell Brand, Jimmy Savile and Greg Wallace walk into a pub. Got a laugh and left. Great days, great days. Great days. Great days. Um, kids, so talk about, we've got stuff to talk about. I've got to talk about pets. Yeah. Talk to me about pets. Cause we've had a pet weekend as well. Well, we had a great weekend. I was off this weekend apart from Sunday night. So I did Friday night. Off this weekend. I was off this weekend apart from Sunday night. So I did Friday night off this weekend.

I worked Friday and Sunday. Apart from getting in at 1am Friday night and then going out. I worked Friday night. I did radio too and then I went to a gig on Sunday. But apart from that, apart from that, I'm just full throttle family time. Yeah. But we had a good Saturday though. I took the girls to their clubs. And then my youngest just decided she doesn't like her clubs anymore.

But we've signed up for the term. Yeah. So I sort of said, oh, she's not feeling it this week. And then basically, when they're in their clubs, I go around Tom Allen's house and have a coffee and we chat. And really, Rob, yeah, that's why you're concerned about her not being into her clubs? Well, no, because she liked the clubs. But then I'm like, oh, come with me then. And then she just sat on my phone listening to Tom Allen, you know, and me and Tom Allen

chat and it was quite a funny silly conversation. You don't want those ideas in a kid's head. All that. What, homosexuality? I didn't know you were against it. Interesting, fair enough. Everyone's had their views. Separate the art from the artist. Josh hates gays, but boy is he good at telling you about his weak. You listen to that gay hater, Josh Whitaker. Yeah, I

know, but you know, I just want to find out. No wonder he was queuing up for Bonnie Blue, the fucking angry insult. This is real love, Tom. This is natural. This is natural. Anyway, so yeah, so the problem is she really enjoyed just going around Tom's house. So I think she's just going to want to come around here and chat and have a walk cross on with Uncle Tom and Uncle Alfie now.

That's the problem, isn't it? Cause it is. But then if that's what she wants in a weird way, that's a nicer childhood memory. If one of my childhood memories was every Saturday I went around and had a lovely croissant at Tom Allen and Alfie's house, that's a lovely experience. It's lovely, isn't it? Yeah, so I'm not going to force her to do it because I've always said that. When they go, you send them to a club, right, and you go, do you like that?

They go, yeah, right, and they did. And then it's not them that's decided to pay upfront for a term. That's my decision. So I don't agree with having to go at a kid and forcing them to go and do so that they don't want to do when I'm. It's a sunk cost. You're not getting your money back. And you're not getting your money's worth if you've just got a fed up kid. But anyway,

I think she was a bit unwell and tired and she'll get a bit bored of this set up and then eventually go back. But if she doesn't, she doesn't. But that was a bit like, I was tired on Saturday morning, like, I'm just going and I was like, actually, I'll just take it to Tom doesn't mind. I'll just take it to Tom. So we did that.

Then we went for lunch, which was nice. And then we went, we went swimming. This is funny. Went swimming. So we had an idea. If we go to the gym, David Lloyd Beckenham has got a soft play for kids and a swimming pool and the gym. So I said to Lou, let's wait for that. You take a dog for a walk. I'll do the kids clubs. Then we'll meet at the calf. We'll have some break lunch.

Then we'll go to the gym. You sit with the girls and have a coffee while they're in soft play. And I'm going to go and do a 5k run on the treadmill. Just for the listeners, Rob's act out of what a 5k run is, was absolutely off the treadmill. Oh, lovely. Just for the listeners, Rob's act out of what a 5k runners was absolutely off the charts. Just sort of me arms going up and down. And I said, you watch her in the soft play, I'll do the run, which is about a moment about 37, it took me 37 minutes. Okay. So it's not like the weights from there for a whole hour. Yeah. Then I'll take him in the swimming pool. And then you can either go home and chill, or if if you want you can go to the gym or go into

the they've got like a nice spa and steam room thing. Yeah. Go in there and chill for a bit. Okay. Yeah. So funny. I get in the treadmill. I am literally three minutes in. I can see because if I'm at the level up swimming pool in the middle level down, I can see where Lou sat with the girls. I can see the girls marching back, one's crying and one's saying sorry. I can see their mouths through the glass where they've had a fight. And then the other one that's getting upset starts looking at me and starts pointing at her sister and then doing a fist thing and mimeing out being punched in the head and going up there and then putting thumbs down across her arms like that with her lips out.

At this point, you maintaining your pace? Yep, I maintain my pace. I'm laughing, which is affecting pace. And I just started off really slow, so that's fine. But I get bored, so I was trying to increase it. Anyway, it's really boring. This is an ad from BetterHelp Online Therapy. We always hear about the red flags to avoid in relationships, but it's just as important to focus on the green flags.

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So I'm not really sure. Well, I'm going to try and get it down to 10. 10 I'd say is the unit I can only do it on that. You know, there's no, the numbers, you go 10 miles an hour that'd be a third. That'd be half an hour. So I started at seven and a half mile kilometers an hour and then increased it to see what I could deal with. I'm finished on about nine. I find 10 is the precipice of uncomfortable. Yeah. No one wants to be there. You've got to be comfortable being uncomfortable or just always be comfortable.

Exactly. So I was running the treadmill. And for me running is all psychological, my body can do it, my mind just tells me I can't and I'm fighting that the whole time. So that's when I first started running. I was really proud of myself. I did like eight minutes nonstop and I couldn't believe I did it. And then I've built up. So now I could do five K's, which is great because I can go to gym and just do that, whether it takes 40 minutes or 35. Anyway, it was amazing though. Cause I was like, normally mentally, I just can't deal with it. Just get off, just get off, just get off. Right. But as I'm doing it, I'm looking down there and I'm like, I don't want to get off.

The option is sorting that row out. Watching my children arguing in self place. I was like, and then I, and then I just, my daughter, I swear to God just stared at me with her arms crossed, looking at her watch for 20 minutes to go, when are we going swimming? But that's the only time I've ever been running and thought, actually, this is the better place to be. Do you want to know a little celebrity secret? Mo Farah likes to have his kids arguing just in the eyes shot in the stadium, and it just keeps him going. If I'm on the track, I'm not dealing with that shit. Well, yeah, sometimes I do come home, you come home, he's just

kicking off in the house. Yeah, I do think I just go back out a bit. Just go out for a bit. Yeah, go sit in the car. Pretend I'm doing something in the car. What are you doing in the car? Sometimes I've considered holding down the windscreen washer fluid till it's empty so I can drive to the garage. Sometimes I've considered holding down the windscreen washer fluid till it's empty so I can drive to the garage. Oh yeah nice. But then that seems a bit much. Yeah. But I don't want to lie. Because to be brutally honest Rob, and I include neither of us in this, a regular man

with two kids would be able to refill the windscreen washer. He wouldn't have to go to a garage No to buy some alright. I can do that. Okay. Come on Didn't think I needed to go to the quick fit right lads now And I like to fit quick. This is probably the quickest quick. He could have a quick fit fit quick Fill that up. I Do I still don't know what kind of concentrate I do it the same as I do orange squash. I don't know if that's right or not.

Yeah, as long as you're not using orange squash. I actually did use orange squash. I used a fruit shoot this morning to defrost my windscreen. Is that warm enough? Well, it was it was completely frozen, but it was warm enough in the car to just take the edge off. Yeah, yeah. And then I drove with both windows down on either side of me because I couldn't clear that. So I was just cold. Um quick question. Talk to me about animals. Animals. Okay. So my

mom and dad picked up my children from school on Friday and took my youngest to a pet shop to kill some time to wait for the eldest to come out. Is this why you texted me asking if I hated having a hamster? Yes. So basically she really wanted a hamster. Okay. And would ring me up and go I want a hamster. I want a pet. I just want a pet. I can hold. I want to, I really want a pet that can sit on my shoulder. She said, this is what she's obsessed with having a little parrot. Well, yeah, but not a parrot, but like a little friend. I think, you know,

like in cartoon sometimes I have little mates that sit on their shoulders. She wants that. Yeah. Like Ratatouille. Yeah, yeah, like Ratatouille. So I was like, Oh, Lou doesn't really want a hamster. We can't really have a hamster downstairs because it's not fair because a dog still just be sniffing at it trying to eat it. Yeah. And we don't really want to upstairs because it will keep everyone awake at night. I don't want to call my cat thick. But I don't think Barrel has even noticed we've got a hamster in the house. I'd say a cat that needs to go to the vet every six weeks

to have its kidneys flushed is a stage of life where hamsters don't excite her anymore. Yeah, you can get the chipping down in front of my nan, she probably won't look up from the chase. So yeah, so we were looking and then there was like options. So basically she's desperate to have a pet and then the problem is me and Louis such like impulsive decision makers. And then we get overexcited and we're like, no, she doesn't need a pet. No, no, we haven't bought anything. We've got two dogs, they don't need a pet. But like she doesn't, she is, to be fair, she haven't bought anything. We've got two dogs, they don't need a pair. But like she does. She is to be fair, she's obsessed with animals. All she reads is

like facts books about animals. You know, you see like younger or older, the younger one, she's seven. So she's obsessed like knows every fact all she cares about is animals. So without going through it all. And then like we don't have a son and then there was like get didn't say did leopard leopard geckos. Or an option. She really wants a lizard. hoping that that's more of a gecko than a leopard. Yeah, definitely. More Liz, more Lizard. And then we were like, Oh, well, we'll have a look at it and see what was

what my mate had a Tara pin when when I was a teenager. Yeah, she wants to she wants that on her shoulder. It looks quite like an angry, horrible dinosaur. Yeah, she's quite into that actually. She went, I want to be the girl that's got a lizard on her shoulder. And I looked at her and I was like, you are the kind of girl. Who does want to be that girl?

She is the kind of girl that would have a lizard on her shoulder. Turning out to the Met Gala. I mean that thing where I'm just like, it is more hassle. They live 10 to 15 years, which is way too long. What do they eat? Live crickets. Fucking normal. I know.

So I'm just- You can only get live cricket on Sky these days. What about the test match special on the radio? But I'm like, one, it's more hassle and a pain in the ass having another animal in the house to their only little ones. It'll be fun. Stop looking at all the negatives, but then you have got a lizard in your house that could live to 15. And your daughter's six, seven. So she could have a lizard on your shoulder when she's away. Fucking, you know, Leeds University.

He's got a lizard on his shoulder. But yeah, but but I was looking at it. But and also lizards do have salmonella. Like an egg. Well, I can carry salmonella. What does that mean? I only know salmonella in the context of eggs when we were a kid. So you can get salmonella in like chicken and eggs and meat if there's bacteria in it, if stuff's dirty. She's not going to eat it. Yeah, no, from handling in it. So then Lou went, what about if we get two goats? What? Exactly. But the thing is I don't want any more animals.

You've just probably got two goats. Is she the old lady that swallowed the fly? What's going on? So because we've got like a little, we've got enough space, a little like paddocky field thing that we could have two pygmy goats in. You're not getting that on your shoulder. Exactly. So my argument is they'll get the so so. Pygmy goat. So. So you're spelling that? I can't spell pygmy. They are small and cute, aren't they? Or is that them fully grown? They're like, yeah, they are quite small, fully grown. Yeah.

So we thought that might be a fun little thing to have. And we're in the countryside and a bit like, and then it's not in the house. And also there's loads of farmers and people nearby that if we said, could you come in and do all, because when we're, look, I can't get in from the over at 1am and then get up and fucking clean out the goats. I'll be doing it. So if there's someone that's- How often are you mucking out? Mucking out's the word Rob. Mucking out a goat. I haven't got the bandwidth for time to clean salmonella off a lizard and muck out a goat. So I thought actually, if you've got a couple of goats, there must be someone in the village who's got like an 18 year old and a 16 year old son that can, I can pay them to part time look after these goats.

If we get old goats, they'll die. I could always speak to the local farmer. You only need to muck it out once a week or every fortnight according to AI. Right. So can AI do it for me? Well, not yet. Give it a year. But then I thought options are, these are, so these are options. So can AI do it for me? Well, not really. Give it a year.

But then I thought options are, so these are options. We get a cut of old goat or borrow some goats from a farmer and say, can we borrow a couple of goats for our field for a bit? What, in the hope that she, they're not that expensive are they? Well no, but if we borrow some, no they're not, but I don't want the responsibility of having a goat for 15 years. Does every animal live to 15? No, but that, so goats are 10 to 15. I mean, my daughter has done, we had an 8.30am family meeting with a PowerPoint presentation of the pros and cons.

What are the cons? Salmonella. 10 to 15 years. Yeah, yeah. Shitting through the Arvan Eidle. Who did the PowerPoint? Your daughter? Yeah. I know, she's got like a Chromebook thing, so she's been Googling all the information. Yeah. Yeah. Shitting through the Ivan Eadel. Who did the PowerPoint? Your daughter? Yeah. Oh no. She's got like a Chromebook thing. She's been Googling all the information. So I think we're down to, she wanted a chinchilla,

but I think a chinchilla is hard work. That is. So let me tell you about the hamster because we've had a hamster weekend. So can I say every time we say, oh, but if we do that, that's like that. Every time we say the negative, my daughter shouts,

why is everyone trying to ruin my life? What's her sister's take on it? Quite unplussed really, but would want to name one of the goats if you've got two goats because you have to get two goats. You're getting two goats by the way. I've heard this tone before about the extra dog. I'm too weak. That's what I am. So I'll tell you what our options are if you can then tell us about hamster options. I just say no. Can I just come to your defense? Yeah, thank you. Thanks. Finally. Thank you. You're not weak. You are someone that loves his daughter and wants her to experience the things that she really wants. And it's a really positive thing. And if you were to block her having you know, whatever she gets, she's eventually getting a horse. We know that but for now, goats, right? You're doing that for no real

reason other than because it is you can afford it. You can you have got the space for it. And so you might as well do it because it's a nice thing to do for your kids. The only problem is when both your daughters are at uni and you and Lou want to go traveling around the world, you're gonna have to deal with the fact there's two pygmy goats. That is the commitment. So my idea is- You needed to do this three years ago. Yes, but what we're going to do is we're going to put a buffer in.

A buy an older goat. Thank you. So we've got a buffer, right? Well, we've said, okay, in order to do this, we need to do proper, proper research because we got the second dog, we shouldn't have got the second dog. And I said, let's not get angry about having a second dog. Just whenever we see that dog, you look at the dog, George, and think that is living proof that we need to think through decisions more. I thought you were going to say something nice then, like look at him in his eyes and

think what a lovely... There's nothing in these eyes. Right. I thought you were going to say, he's bringing love into the household and that's a great thing. But no, you were saying- The first dog his friend does. George- You were saying, let's look at George and stare him down and think you were a mistake we shouldn't have made and we need to learn from you. Yes, that's correct. I like having George in the house, but I wouldn't, I'd say if we sat down, if he was an employee, we'd sit him down and do his appraisal and he would not be bringing enough to

justify the cost of it being in the business. He has got vacant eyes, Josh. Yeah. He will stare through. Fred, lovely little eyes. And you know, and I do, I like taking for walks, they're a laugh, but sometimes in the house, he looks through me. Anyway, so plan is we've put a buffer in place where we're going to, there's, you know, the rep, there's a reptile man person that comes around with all these different reptiles and that does like, he does reptile parties and also one-on-ones. So we thought, why don't we do this? That would be a fun thing to do in half term. I think he was killed by a stingray about 20 years ago.

In half term. Maybe why don't we get them, with a couple of mates or just them, and we'll have a fun afternoon. Rather than going out for the day, we get the reptile man to come round to show us all these animals, show us the leopard gecko, because she's never actually seen one. And he can talk us through the pros and cons and what we need to have these animals. And then we'll go from there and talk about Salmonella with him. And then also, which I think is a better option, maybe we'll go to the farmer and I'll talk to the farmer and say, look, mate, I just need a couple year old little pygmy goats that ain't got long left. We'll look after them. I'll pay you or whoever your farm person is to come over to ours, which is

only a five minute walk away. To once a week that I clean the hamster out once a week. Exactly. And I think you could, you don't have to do it at 1 a.m. when you get back from yoga. No, but I don't know what I'm looking at with goats, Josh. I grew up in South East. I don't wanna look at a pink meat goat who's got a weepy eye and I'm like,

fuck it, what do I do with that? No, that's not mucking out. What I mean is you just gotta shovel the shit, haven't you? I don't wanna shovel the shit. I shoveled the shit enough. I used to sell bags of fucking compost in the market. You were shoveling the shit in Basingstoke on Thursday,

weren't you? I jumped shoveling shit, mate. I'm picking up enough shit in here from the dogs. So that's the plan of action. But I think old pygmy goats that we can borrow, I say, I'll rent them off you. I just don't want a goat from a baby for 15 years. Yeah, but they are cutest as a baby. I think, give us two goats that have just had babies. Yeah, but they are cutest as a baby. I think give us two goats that have

just had babies. Yeah. We have four in a field when the babies get big, they go back to the farm. That's not happening. Naturally, that's not separate them. That's not happening. Well, that's what I'm gonna tell the children's happening and then we keep these little old fuckers until they die. Keep the two that the kids aren't into. Yeah, the bitey, horny ones. I'm gonna say I just buy two older goats. I don't think the best idea is that's like saying, we're gonna sign four players, the two good ones on loan. Yeah, and then they're gonna go back in January. And the fans are gonna have to put up with the two old shit strikers.

So can we stop talking about Plymouth? I must be able to re-home a goat. Yeah, you must be able to re-home a goat. Right. Shall I tell you about our hamster? Yeah. It's an animal special. It is an animal special. But you know what, you know what, I'm sorry, I'm dominating this side, but you know what I mean? I want to be open, go, this is fun. We live in the countryside, just a couple of goats, we've got space, we've got money. Get us ready for the horse. We can do that. It's not going to, we're not going to horse. That'll be a fun thing to do if we do it. But we just need to research it properly and do it properly rather than

rushing into it like I normally do. This is, could I put up the case for the opposite side? What's the opposite side? For the last 10 years, since I've known you, and you've been proven right, you've told me that everything that is good that you've done is without thought. And every mistake you made is because you've over thought stuff.

Yeah. And actually overthinking stuff is a problem for you with your ADHD. Yeah. And so consequently. So you think I should, should I just order the goats now? Order the goats now while I answer the door. That would be so irresponsible. Chris Packham would do an Instagram story if I did that. Get him on. I'd love to have Chris Packham on here. Get a little goat box. It would be fun having little stables for the goat. I think I'm into getting some goats, you know.

Do you know what we're going to end up with? Two goats in a leopard gecko. Exactly. Oh, a Mandarin duck pair, 90 quid. Hello. Have you seen a Mandarin duck? You're going to be like Dr. Doolittle by the end of the year. Oh my God. I should not be allowed the internet and access to adult money.

No, exactly. Oh, I've had a nightmare with that by the way. What, the internet? So the hamster, my daughter's got incredibly confident with the hamster now. So we, cause when we got it, we had this two month period where we basically My daughter's got incredibly confident with a hamster now. Because when we got it, we had this two month period where we basically weren't in the house. So me and Rose were like, is he going to get handled enough early doors or is he going to be a bit, do you know what I mean?

But she's made up for lost time. So she started, they told us to start in the bath so that you can confidently handle them with no water. So she was in the bath in gloves, then she lost the gloves and now she's out the bath and she's handling him in the bedroom. I do worry. Are hamsters enjoying being handled? Handling him in the bedroom. We said handling him in the bedroom. Sorry. Yeah, that's a horrible turn of phrase.

So I just want to check hamsters enjoying that is the first thing because you are like, they haven't got much say in it, have they? But then he's not nipping her or seeing, but I don't know how to know about hamsters emotions. I think with a hamster, if that's all they've ever known, because they're not in, they've not, that you've not taken it from the wild. It's been brought into captivity and you've been handling it. It just assumes that's what its life is.

A hamster, in my experience, if it ain't happy on you, you know about it. Okay, that's good. It will bite. If it's not happy, it will bite. Then he's loving it. Yeah. Anyway, we bought, did I tell you when we bought the cage,

we bought a new cage with tubes. Yeah, from Socr-am. He's, he's not making the money he once was. He's had to sell off his hamster cage. So we bought a new cage with tubes. He's got too big for the tubes. He got stuck in the tubes. Oh no. And he just went to sleep in the tube. Oh, it's Tim Lovejoy. I've got to go and all Helen Chamberlain. So he's too big for the tubes. So Rosa break the tube open to get him out. Oh, that is bad.

And now my daughter's blocked up the tubes with socks. He'll chew through that. Well, yeah, it's a temporary measure. I don't really, can you get a bigger, he's not a big hamster. Like he's not, can you get a larger hamster tube? I don't want to give him body issues. What I'd say is you don't, tubes are a little bit overrated. Well, we love it when he goes through them. Yeah, I know, but you do.

But you just get rid. For him. But he's going through them through choice, so he must be liking them. Yeah, exactly. Well, if you just get a deeper, you've got the deep one with the glass. No, I couldn't find this. Oh, they're so good. Because you can watch them burrow in the... The bottom's all glass, right? And it's really deep.

Can you send me a link? Because we're going to have to get a new cage. Yeah. But we want some levels, because he loves going up and down the levels, and he loves climbing the... Yeah, you can do that. Hamster cage glass. It took a little while to come. There's not as many, but you can, like, you properly fill up the bottom with, but like, people never put enough sawdust in. It needs to be like, oh, when I did it,

it was like six inches deep. Yeah. And he loves, because then he can go through his own... Oh, fuck off, Amazon, sorry. He can go through his own... Too right. He can make his own. Oh, fuck off Amazon. Sorry. You can go through his own. You can make his own little tubes and then I put in there like toilet tubes for him to go through. You know, like kitchen roll tubes. Yeah, yeah, we do that. So anyway, he's having the time of

his life with that. He's not keeping her up because we've got a silent wheel. Oh, interesting. So you can buy a silent wheel. Don't say this too loud because my daughter will research that because that's what we said. Our hamster is in my daughter's room and he's dead silent and he's up at night and it's not a problem at all. Oh really? Yeah. I mean, I think a hamster is probably the best bet because I don't mind cleaning that hamster. I quite

like building the fun little stuff room. Yeah, it's great. There's a reason why hamsters are like the number one pet for like a seven, eight year old. Yeah, you can't fault them. You can't fault them. As long as you handle them with care. They're easy. They take the right amount of upkeep. So you learn a bit about like upkeep. And then they can do the food and the water And then she can clean it out of me every weekend. Yeah, exactly and you pop him in a ball while you clean it out Yeah, it's a winner Rob. There we go

And they don't live for too long, but if you'd feel that right up as well It's really cute when you see him in the curling up in the corner But um, plus yeah, it's quite weird, isn't it? You never have a grown up with a hamster. Lou had a hamster when she was in the house share. Did she? Yeah. Um, called Bob, which I said, she named it after me because she was in love with me. But that's nice. Did you say you got a voice note from Lou?

Oh yeah. We've got five minutes, 20 seconds of Lou voice notes. Jesus Christ. Michael, what do you want us to do? She had a right arm with me yesterday, I don't know what I'd done. Well she's got a right arm with you this morning. What? What happened? She says sorry to Rob in advance, I'm in a very Monday morning mood.

She's fucking livid at the moment. Lou sometimes, and I'm going to say this,'ll just decide she's got the amp, but I, maybe that's not her deciding moment. It's her hormones, but I've learned, stay away, shut up, stay away, let her ride through it. You know what I mean? It's, it's just not, it's not worth it. I think a good idea Rob would be to publicly blame her hormones. Well, I thought that was a good thing to say, cause I'm saying it's not, she's not in control of that emotion. That's her hormones. Well, I thought that was a good thing to say, because I'm saying it's not she's not in control of that emotion. That's

not her body. This this is going to get us into trouble. What is I'm going to say? Okay. Yeah. And it's, I know this is a mistake. Come on, let's go. Let's get let's get dangerous. Rose is a bit pre menstrual at the moment. And she seems quite angry. Okay. And then if I call her on it, she says that I'm not allowing her to express an emotion. See what I do is, so I, what I do is I shouldn't call her on it,

but she was incredibly angry. I don't call Lou on it anymore, which stops a argument. I just sort of give her space. She gives me space. However, what I do find is, if we're not having a little argument, Lou hasn't got any release. So it builds and builds so that I have to really

maintain calm. Really, you need to be a kind of, a sparring partner that just gets beaten to kind of help the boxer. Yeah, so in a way it's sort of like, well, actually, I'm avoiding conflict and we're not arguing and we're getting on. However, she needs to unleash. Well, I've got the voice notes.

Okay. I don't know if this is going to be in time for today's record. I just wanted a slight pushback while I remember on the interview you did with Harry Judd and about how much people do in the mornings and specifically making Rob a coffee. Rob can make his own coffee. He's a fully grown adult. When he wants to come downstairs and make his coffee, he can. I would make him a coffee more mornings, but he comes down so much after me that it will be cold by the time he got downstairs. I do come down later than Lou because I'm getting showered because I'm normally taking the kids to

school. Okay. So then I need to be ready to go and then she's doing the breakfast. But I do come down later than Lou. That is correct. But sometimes I've got it at 1am but carry on carry on from drinking? No working! I'm not walking a coffee upstairs to him I've never asked never asked for that it's not a hotel um more power to you if you want to do that I don't um in terms of doing stuff in the morning as well, I can't really remember my pushbacks on this. Can you pause it a second? She's got the hump and because I'm not biting at home, she's found me another way. She is like, she's like. This is mental.

Go on, go on, play it. But Rob genuinely said the other day, I didn't realise your alarm went off so much earlier than mine. What do you think is happening? When you wake up 10 minutes before we've got to leave, or when you come downstairs 10 minutes before you've got to leave for the school run, and everyone has already had breakfast, is dressed and the bags are packed. Do you think we've all got up at 10 minutes before that time?

How do you feel about that Rob? Look, I get up later than Lou because normally Lou is doing the breakfast and sorting out the bags for the kids and if I'm not working... So what time are the two alarms set for? Well my alarm this morning was set for... We don't have alarms because... Mate Well my alarm this morning was set for... We don't have alarms because... Mate, my alarm this morning was set for 10 past 6.

What? I can't get up much fucking earlier. Who are you? Nick Grimshaw? Lou loves getting up early and also Lou will be up anyway body clock and also sometimes will have been in bed two hours earlier than me. And I literally can't compete with how early she gets up. So it's like, I- Is she part of the 5am club?

But not by choice, she's just up early. But she gets up, I think, now this is gonna cause ruptions. I think she gets up too early. I think she could get up later if she wanted to. Oh my God. Oh my God. That's my view. Next Monday is gonna be absolute carnage on this podcast. she wanted to. Next Monday is going to be absolute carnage on this podcast.

Or perhaps someone's got up earlier and has done all of those things. And I'm not better in the morning. Just somebody has to get up in the morning. I'll preach. No one's like good in the morning. No one loves getting up at half past five, six o'clock getting two grumpy children out of bed and dressed. Somebody has to do it. And if you're not doing it, which you're not, because you're not setting your arm to do it and you're not getting up, you're kind of strolling downstairs and being

surprised that everyone's dressed and then miffed that there isn't a coffee there waiting for you. Somebody has to do it. So I do it, which is like I don't normally have a problem with because I'm not going out to work late at night. So it makes much more sense for the person that's gone to bed at 10 to get up and get them ready for school than the person that got in at like midnight or 1am. Absolutely fine. Thank you, respect. But say that. Say I get in very late at night, Lou gets up early in the morning and that's the way we split it. Don't go, Lou is just so much better in the mornings than me. I'm better in the mornings. Somebody has to do it. Nobody likes doing the 6am getting grumpy children dressed shift. Nobody likes it. What time do you have to leave the house?

It changes. It depends really, but about like sort of half seven, 20 to eight or yeah and then later in the week it can be like 10 to eight. But from half seven onwards. Yeah that is an early leaving isn't it? Because we don't have to set the alarm because basically our son gets up at about seven. Yeah. And I have to leave until eight 45. The kids eat quite slowly. Yeah. And it's a bit of a slow morning there, but I never complained about getting a coffee. It's about an hour really.

Turn around. I never complained about getting the coffee. We were just talking about what happens in the morning and we were surprised. And I just said, sometimes we just made the coffee. She could, you know, but she did. She made me a coffee this morning. But now I know she did that on purpose. So she could send this and unleash. It's still going. Somebody has to do it. Stop it. And then and then on top of that, don't then go, Oh, would you like a coffee? No, it's not subtle. It's not clever. And it's not funny. But he does it

every fucking morning. They say swearing is not funny, but it is. Because you haven't made me one. Stop it. I haven't made you one. You were asleep. You were fully... There's nothing wrong with getting up in the morning and politely offering my wife, would you like a coffee? And if she replies with no thanks, I've already made myself one, then that's fine too. It's just a question. If you were wired up to a Jeremy style, Jeremy Kyle style lie detector, and I said, when offering a coffee, is there any ulterior motive? Would you be able to say no?

No, I wouldn't be able to say that. Okay. But if I make it a coffee, I'll offer whoever else is in the room a coffee. That's just society. Your kids? Not them, but adults. Unconscious until about six minutes ago. Why would I make you a coffee?

You were unconscious. No, so all this is very long. Oh, stirring. So yes, that's my thoughts. That's my thoughts on that. Just so you know, that's not her thoughts because there's another one minute 49 coming. Jesus Christ. Go on.

Go fuck yourselves. Go fuck yourselves. What was that? Not you Josh. You're fine. Sorry. There's more? Was that it?

That's the first voice note. What's the second one? You're fine. Ha ha ha ha ha. Sorry. There's more. Was that it? That's the first voice note. What's the second one? Also. Also. Just quickly. Ha ha ha ha.

Doing the school run is helpful. Absolutely no denying that. Taking them in is helpful. But that's not the hard bit of getting ready in the morning. I agree. The hard way is getting up in the pitch black when you're very tired and getting two children up in the pitch black when they're very tired and they do not want to put on their school

uniform. They don't want to tell you what they want for breakfast. And they're not telling you what they need in their bag. I know what they need in their bag because I've got it written down. Oh, shit, it was Forest School today. So, yes, thank you. I appreciate you taking them in on the school run. But equally, you're not doing me a favour here. You're doing a proportion of the work required for our children to get to school. It is not a favour.

I'm not saying it's a favor. Do you know what? I'm going to come to your defense here, Rob. I've been on Team Lou the whole way. It's a very difficult situation if mentioning something that you do is considered asking for credit, but then you can't mention something you do. Then it looks like you don't do anything. So you're in a no win in that situation. Hey, welcome to my world. Oh, I'm not saying that, I'm saying that's a general point of our everyone.

Let's just finish the message. It's the least hard bit of that process, I would say. It's the angriest small business shout out we've ever ended on, isn't it? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Coming down, making a coffee, say. It's the angriest small business shout out we've ever ended on isn't it? Coming down, making a coffee. I know the trauma of making a coffee is does that does cut deep. Coming down making a coffee, putting your shoes on and going right kids, kids, right kids, in the car. Fine, fine, that bit's fine. I could do that. I could set my alarm for 15 minutes before we leave. I can do that.

Do you know what? There is a dispute over if this was in a court of law. Yeah. Whether or not you've had a shower. You're all right, fool. Whether or not you've had a shower, she doesn't seem to acknowledge this idea that you've stayed up there for a while longer because you're having a shower. Yeah, because I don't want to go to the school run smelly, but maybe I should go up early or whatever. No, no, no, I'm not saying you don't. I'm just wondering whether you have had a shower or not.

Yeah, I always have a shower before I go to the school run. The hard bit. I've not brought any of this up. I don't mind doing the morning bit because someone's got to do it and it does make more sense for me to do it. I don't mind. But don't use it as a tool to complain about afterwards because you don't get a coffee made for you. You're not hard done by in this situation. You are fine. Grow up. Now, is that all of it? She knows how to end a speech. That's what I like. There was a kind of Tony Blair style rhythm at the end. You are fine. Grow up. Thank you. Four more years. Five more years. Five more years. I agree with Lou. I think, you know, Lou isn't better in the mornings. She just does that. And I do other things. And I wasn't requesting a coffee. I was explaining how well set up was, but I was surprised it didn't offer me one. I take all that on board. I think she makes a lot of valid points. I would say though, towards the end of those voice notes,

the emotion and anger that I mentioned to you earlier, really shone through. Well, I'm not gonna, I suppose we'll just have to put it to an Instagram poll. All I'm gonna say is, Lou, I love you. Shall we do small business? Oh yeah. Any divorce lawyers? Trudy small business. Oh yeah. Any divorce lawyers? Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael.

Love, love, love the podcast. I've been listening for the past few months. I find myself mentioning you two in conversations almost every day. I want to give a quick shout out to my friends, Amazing Wellness Hub, Physico. For fuck's sake, it's in Bromley. How many businesses are opening in the southeast of England For fuck's sake, it's in Bromley. How many businesses are opening in the southeast of England? It's booming, mate.

They offer, I tell you what, if Rachel Reeves wants growth, just head to fucking southeast. They offer physio and rehab, reformer Pilates and Loga, personal training and one on one Pilates. The team there is fantastic. They're the best in the business. They've got doctors, physiotherapists, osteopaths, and some top shot Pilates and yoga instructors too. If anyone in the Bromley area is looking for help to recover from an injury, prevent an injury, get fit, or just find a supportive fitness community, Physico is the place to go.

You can find them on Instagram, at underscore, Physi, P-H-Y-S-I, underscore, Co. You can find them on Instagram at underscore fizzy p h y s i underscore co underscore fizzy underscore co. Thanks for reading this out. Have a wonderful day. Best wishes. Christina like Christina Yalova. Right. You'll never believe what's happening. I'll just scroll down to do a random small piece of shout out. First one I come to was one for Bromley. Unbelievable.

So I'm going to swerve that because we've had Bromley we'll do this one another time. And then you'll never guess what the second one is after that. Listen to this. What's that? Broccoli. No. Hi Josh, Rob and Michael.

I've been listening to this show since lockdown days. The lols helped me more than you can ever imagine. I'm onto five year old Freddie and 10 month old Rory. I would love you to shout out my small business. Happy smiley goats. Fucking hell. In Warwickshire. We run a toddler far. You can't you can't make a goat travel that far.

We run a toddler play group planning interacting with our pigby goats. Yes, please. In our mad hatter's woodland where the children can play in the mud kitchens and run free in our farm themed play paddock. We also offer home visits if you're having a garden party our friendly loving goats come and play love being fed and pampered by the children. We also do school and nursery educational

visits to learn about how fun inquisitive and wonderfully charming goats are. Due to the calming, endearing nature of our goats have bring Ellen's joy to hundreds of residents weekly at local care site homes. By helping me share my business, I'm hoping we can expand to show everyone the joy our little goats can bring to young and old. Visit happy smiley underscore goats on Instagram to book a visit from our goats and watch the fun our little goats are having making people happy

keep it sexy relatable. That's happy smiley underscore goats H A P P Y S M I L E Y underscore goats. What the chances is fake Josh. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. Josh, I'll see you on Friday. See you on Friday. I'll let you know. And we'll see Lou next week, I hope. How the coffee's going.

Yeah, just go and ask Lou to knock you up a coffee before the Friday episode. I don't think it's about the coffee. Bye. Bye.