Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S9 EP48: Valentines Playground Shag*ers Special

Episode Date: February 14, 2025

More misadventures in parenting, life, and beyond with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe... Happy valentines day Parenting Hell listeners! And what else could we do to celebrate the day but a Valentines Day Playground Shaggers special episode. Please follow and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available free everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener,

with your tips, advice, and of course, tales of parenting woe. Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. When you sit on your aeroplan points, it's like you're sitting on your next trip, like a sunny getaway by the sea. But instead, you're sitting on your aeroplan points. So getaway by the sea. But instead, you're sitting on your Aeroplan points.

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maybe reach out to TD Direct Investing. maybe reach out to TD Direct Investing. Hello, you sexy Valentines. You're listening to Parenting Hell with... Arthur, can you say Rob? Rob? Beckett. Beckett. And can you say Josh?

Josh! Whiddicombe. He says, Lash. Yeah, but can you say Whiddicombe? Whiddicombe. Whiddicombe. Yeah, but can you say Whiddicombe? Whiddicombe. Good boy, that's very clever. There we go. How are you sexy slags not on Valentine's Day, Lucy? Well, now it's a perfect time to be a slag, isn't it, with your other half?

Do you know what, Rob? Not enough of that's been said today. Ah, fucking go for it. Amor and Tom, why not? I am so excited to send this in as my son Arthur, age three, who has only started talking again in the past three months after speech and language therapy. Arthur regressed at 18 months and is currently awaiting an autism diagnosis. I've been listening from the start and can't lie, it has hurt my heart a little hearing all the amazing intros that people send in. I'm wondering if my son will ever be able to join in. So I really can't tell you what this means to me. Love Lucy from

Bexley, big up Kent Massive. Oh wow, that's amazing. That is incredible. Listening to that, I would never have thought that was coming from a child that's had speech issues. Oh, we've had a lot shitter than that Rob. We've had some absolute dog shit. That one was a good standard. That was a solid. I'll tell you, that's a solid.

Yeah. Obviously, Whiddicombe struggled with, but who doesn't? Who doesn't struggle with Whiddicombe? Oh, Josh, happy Valentine's. Happy Valentine's. I woke up this morning, went downstairs, couldn't open the bloody door. Because all the... Forgot the key.

Oh, hey. Blblblblblblblbl, there we go. Bit of fun there. Bit of Valentine's fun. Yeah. Roses are red violets are blue. I haven't got a punchline, but that's how one would start. If you were a comedian on Valentine's Day, you'd have that all lined up. Tell you what is also blue Rob. What's that? Your asshole. Playground shaggers emails. So what we doing today Josh for our Valentine's special? Forget the week, forget our kids, forget our lives. It's all about fucking on the tarmac. Fucking on the tarmac, having sex in the big tire. In the big tire? A blow job on the monkey bars.

The man's swinging and then controls the tempo as the, well, you know, I'd say the woman could be a man. As long as there's two consenting adults, we don't mind. As long as there's two consenting adults, let's be very clear. We're talking today about our occasional playground shaggers special. Josh, this is our Sergeant Peppers. It really is our Sergeant Shaggers, right. These are stories of people that have had affairs or sort of dalliances with people

involved in school and the school parents, school teachers, the gossip that pours out of the school ground pick up and drop offs. Josh, what we got. Hi both. In regards to playground shaggers and the logistics during the aftermath, the old parent switcher is more common than you think. New brothers and sisters appearing overnight. It can be very confusing at parent-teacher conferences. We had a parent who had a boy in grade 1A and another boy in grade 1B. Transpired not twins and not the same mother. They had the same birthday. Oh my God. And they were born in the same hospital. They had the same birthday. Oh my god. And they were born in the same hospital. No. Possibly a very awkward day. Very Mrs Doubtfire. Jump in between the two.

Very Mrs Doubtfire. You might have thought mum would have chosen another school but no, he was a very meek man. Don't sound meek to me. Sounds like an absolute fucking swordsman. No. That's how he gets you. From a very anonymous headmaster I just saw that in the vault. Yeah. Both on the same day. So obviously he's not had sex on this he's not conceived on the same day. Potentially he has I mean it's unlikely. Potentially he has it's unlikely. It'll be around the same time so yeah it's not like oh we broke up because I you know people think of love right, I found my true soulmate. I'm in love.

It's normally someone you are fancy that lives near you. Yep. Isn't it? Let's face facts here. Man, I'm not afraid to work. And I'm not throwing stones at it. I met Lou at work. Yeah, exactly.

Is it that much of a coincidence that there's three billion women in the world and the only one that you could have ended up with. And luckily she's also from Kent. Yeah, and the same for you. All the women in the world that could have been your soulmate But it was the producer that you met on your first television production job Yeah, that's a comedian who said you want a coffee Josh before you know it Yeah, you know you're looking after the kids as she's away again. Yeah, exactly, but that's your true soulmate

Yeah, but then I think what do you want me to do when I'm 18? Fly to fucking Mexico city and have a wander about, see if I find someone I like. Also, you're going to have more in common with someone from Kent. Exactly. We're from similar worlds and similar views. It's what happens. That's the question for today. Write in, do you believe you found your soulmate? Cause we don't think you have. Happy Valentine's day. I love Lou. I really do. I'm very happy Josh. Are you happy?

Yeah, very much so. It felt like there was a buck coming. Pardon? Give it time, it's only the morning. Come on. Happy Valentine's. Happy Valentine's everyone. Happy V-Day. Hello Rob, Josh and Michael. Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day. Thanks. Okay. I have been listening from the beginning and you have been helping my husband and I through the shitty toddler years. I'm assuming they've not been great years, not that the sort of potty training has gone bad.

Just shit on the walls. I have a playground shagger story for you, but please keep me anonymous because my dysfunctional family will not appreciate being outed on a podcast. When I was in primary school, a new family moved into our street and I became best friends with a daughter as we were in the same class. She had an older brother who started dating my older sister, both in their teens. Things were all fine for about a year. Both families were quite close. Children playing together, sleepovers, you know all that 90s stuff. When we were in year seven, my friend and I came home from school one day and my mum sat us down to tell us that her and her friend's dad had been having an affair and that my parents were getting divorced. My mum had decided that she was

going to leave the family home and that I was going to stay with my dad. My friend's dad was a milkman, so my mum literally ran off with the milkman. Classic. But she didn't just tell her own kid, she told the milkman's daughter. That is mental. Us being 11 didn't really understand the full severity of the situation, but my sister and her boyfriend were furious as they would basically be stepbrother and sister. Oh my god.

The story doesn't end there. A few months later, my sister got pregnant. Oh my word. Everyone is upset but supportive. A couple of months after that, my 41-year-old mother discovered she is also pregnant. Oh my gosh. My nephew and my little brother were born three months apart.

Oh my word. Our parents did marry and my sister and her boyfriend's relationship didn't survive the stress of being teenage parents. Fair enough. Understandable. Despite all of the family trauma, it turned out okay in brackets, I think. Oh my word. Thanks for reading An Anonymous Loyal Listener. Fucking hell. Fucking hell. No wonder people used to watch Jeremy Kyle

just for a break. Yeah. If that's going on in real life. Why was he getting so angry about it? Jeremy Kyle, if you've got a story like that, you're like, fair play. The milkman, oh, in their street. We had stories of people in our street

getting off of each other, it's disgusting. Did you? That's why I like the fact I live in a village. That we're not getting off of anyone, everyone's way up my shoulder. It'd be weird. So weird if Lou got off with someone in our road. Fucking insane. Like Anna Nicole Smith and that billionaire kind of picture. Yeah. Do you know what Lou said was talking about was watching Love Island All Stars right last month when it was on. I said, my jam is attractive isn't she? I said, what would you do if me and my jam had an affair?

And she'd go, I'd have to respect it. Because she's so fit that like, if you had an affair with someone like Andrew Garfield or someone, you know, it's really handsome Hollywood hunk guys. You know, cause if Lou was like, oh, we and Rob broke up, why are we having an affair? Who with? My jammer.

Your instinct would be, oh God, Lou, that's so awful. But you would go, my jammer?. No he didn't like completely forget it. Would you prefer Lou to have an affair with someone really really fit? Yeah I mean if I come on here I was like oh yes sad news for the pod everyone me and Lou broke up she's run off with Jason Momoa. You would piss yourself so much and it's horrible, but you would laugh. You would crack up. What do you think the papers would make of you and my Ajama? I mean, do you think they'd be quite snide about it?

Yeah, I would think there'd be big articles of men through the years and it'd be like me next to Stormzy. There's going to be a stage, right? We're in our 40s, yeah? Yeah. Our friendship group, we're going to be 60 soon, 20 years. Yeah. And as life goes on, there will always be people that get divorced.

Yeah. We have got to be prepared for one of our mates to turn up at a gig with a 28-year-old when he's 62. Yeah. Who do you think it's going to be? Ramesh? I don't want to name names. But no, whoever it is, it doesn't matter who it is. It's not going to turn out like it's, and we've all just got to pretend it's fine. Because you can't, you know, imagine Ed Gamble, who's happily married, but Ed Gamble turns up, he's 63 now, Ed, right?

He's still fucking banging on about heavy metal and poppadoms. He turns up, he's been for a divorce, ours Ed Hopin, he turns up a 28 year old. How do we not go, what the fuck's going on here, Ed? Yeah, do you know what it wouldn't be, Ed Gamble? No, I don't think it would be, Ed. That was a terrible example. Do you know why? Because I was going to choose Joel Domet, but it wouldn't be Joel Domet either.

It wouldn't be someone who was good looking when they were young. It would be someone who's making up for lost time. This is Carry the Fire. I'm your host, Lisa LaFlamme. Carry the Fire, a podcast by the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation featuring inspiring personal stories about what happens when world leading doctors, nurses, researchers, and their patients come together to ignite breakthroughs. Carry the Fire launches Monday, January 27th, wherever you get your podcasts. Get groceries delivered across the DTA

from real Canadian superstore with PC Express. Shop online for super prices and super savings. Try it today and get up to $75 in PC optimum points. Visit superstore.ca to get started. Here's a story from when I was a child at primary school. We had a new head teacher. He seemed really nice and all the parents thought he was having a great impact on the school. But after one year, he suddenly decided to leave. They did an entire leaving assembly telling all the children and parents that actually he was leaving to move to Africa to teach out there. With pictures of said children he was going to teach and

the good he was hoping to do. It was all one big lie. It turned out he was having an affair with a female teacher. They were both married and she had gotten pregnant. Oh God. They'd panicked, made up this lie and ran away. As a few months later, a parent saw them and found out they'd actually moved a couple of hours away. And there's no need for that big lie, is there? Just leave your job. Just one of you stay and one of you puts in a transfer request. Why print off a photo of African children? That should be the last... That is the worst thing you could possibly do in that situation.

He's just had to Google a family... Well, we don't know when it was actually. Yeah, when I was a child at primary school. He's gone to Encarta 97 to find a picture of African children. Oh my god. It was quite shocking to find out as a child, stay sexually related, what is he in Kent? That is good gossip, that is. Yeah. Imagine seeing them. So she just cracked under pressure and said, oh yeah, we lied. Well, I think sometimes it's like, whenever there's like a bit of a dodgy

relationship going on, there's always one that's more up for telling everyone the truth than the other. Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. I've been listening since the beginning and keep meaning to write in with a playground shagger story. I'd appreciate it if you would keep me anonymous. Please. What I like about anonymous ones, Rob. The anons, yeah.

Is they've always got so much detail. That is so kind of idiosyncratic to that situation. You could never ever go, are they talking about me? Well, this one, they've changed the people's names as well. Okay. They always pick strange names. I think when people, when I go, I'll talking about me? But with this one, they've changed the people's names as well. OK. They always pick strange names. I think when people when I go, I'll change the names. I always panic.

There we go. I've changed people's names, but the story will be obvious to the people in the school yard. It's all that's given away that they're American. Yeah. Or Australian. It's a long one. So take a deep breath. Settle in and let's begin. Love it. Let's call the people involved Bob, Ann and Sarah.

Bob is married to Sarah with four kids and lives next door to Ann who is single with three kids. The children are of similar ages and some are in the same classes as school. Bob starts an affair with Ann next door and leaves his wife to move in with Anne next door. Bloody hell. Anne and Sarah are both obviously not friends anymore and have an actual scrap in the school yard at home time. Fucking hell. Their headteacher has to get involved and a plan is in place that Anne has to pick up her children from the main office at 3.15 instead of 3.30 and Sarah is not allowed on site until 3.20 after Anne has left. Fucking hell. That feels unfair on Anne.

Really? It does, but you don't know if Anne started it? Oh no, no, he moved in with Anne. Yes. Oh yeah, then Anne has to take the hit of the early pickup. That's fair. Yeah, but really you should... I can hold a grudge as much as the next woman that's been cheated on by her husband with the woman that lives next door. However, would I swallow my pride if it meant that we just let Anne get the kids and drop them at my door? Because she's going past the house. I know. It feels like they're both arguing trying to do the same school run. Yeah, I know. Like,

aren't they also going to pass each other? It is Mormonism an option. If the 315 and the 320. There's going to be a flashpoint on the commute. Yeah. Cause they've got to walk past the same road, haven't they? Yeah. Okay. Anyway, so that's the set up. So Anne goes in early, be a fair old lady, the single mother, and then Sarah, the cheated on wife goes in once Anne has

left sight. Bob then decides after a few weeks that the grass isn't greener. Oh Bob, you absolute... And goes back to his wife and moves back in next door. Oh Bob... Oh Bob. A few weeks later, Anne finds out she is pregnant with Bob's baby. Oh no Bob. He then decides to move back in with Anne again because of the new baby. What? That is mad. So now Annie's expecting her fourth child.

Bob's moved in, Sarah's with the three kids next door. Sarah, my. Both these women need to realize this guy's a fucking mad man. Do you know who's coming out great of this story? The neighbors that live opposite. What are they getting to witness each week? Oh my God, yeah.

Also, poor kids think the kids bad for the kids, but. Yeah, think of the seven kids. Now, he's moved back in now. So he's basically moved to a van because Anne's pregnant. Yeah. After a couple of weeks, he decides he'd be better off with his wife and moves back in with his wife and kids. But we'll support Anne and the baby next door.

Why is his wife letting him back for a third time? I don't know. Maybe he's got a key, maybe he's just hopping the fence. Like, surely you go, I don't trust this guy. I don't think either of them should trust this guy. Now, so he's gone back into his wife and he's gonna support Anne next door with a baby. They go through the first scan

and the midwife appointment together. Although he's still with his wife, but him and Anne have gone for the scan. Sarah isn't happy about him spending time with Anne at the hospital and kicks off again in the schoolyard. I think Sarah's being unreasonable there, but let's be honest, she's got a lot going on. I don't think you can say, come on Sarah, chill out, you know. Maybe it's not about the scan. Well, in the schoolyard, Sarah is unleashing on Anne about the hospital visit.

No fighting this time but a lot of swearing and dropping the C-bomb in front of the kids at home time. Oh dear, oh dear. The police are called. Oh my god. That week's school newsletter comes home with a paragraph. You can't put in the school newsletter can they? Well they have.

Comes home with a paragraph about the incident and how inappropriate it was and the foulest of language was used repeatedly. What a great newsletter that would be. I can't tell you how vanilla our school newsletters are compared to that. A few weeks passed and Bob is still not happy with his wife so starts seeing Anne romantically again. What? And then moves out of the family home and moves back in with Vika. No. How many times? Sarah and Bob are now divorced. I think Sarah's all right with that.

I didn't bear off without him. Anne and Bob are engaged. Won't last. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, imagine at the wedding. Anyone here present with a reason why they should not be together? How long you got Vika?

He left her three times to go back to his wife. Well, they're engaged now. The schoolyard is now disappointingly scandal-free. I wouldn't say a last. Keep being sexy and relatable. And on. That's a good one, that one. Fuck it all.

That's insane. Imagine being there without kicking off. If that happened in EastEnders or something, you'd go, I think we've twisted the forward and back too many times. Yeah, you go, Ann and Bob can't move in again, can they? Not again. It'd be Bob's third time. Hello, Rob and Josh. You two literally kept me saying, pacing the streets, my firstborn listening to your book. Absolutely love your podcast. A playground shaggers tale for my husband and I's 13 or so years working in schools.

I thought it was going to be about her husband. He got up to it right, oh boy he was. We work in some pretty tough schools, but over the years I've come to realise that quite a lot of our families at school are actually related to each other. And this is the kind of reason why. My husband is an assistant head teacher and one morning he was on playground duty greeting children. He noticed a kerfuffle happening on one side of the playground, walked over to see a grandmother and daughter of one of the notorious families

having a full on physical fight. hair pulling punches a lot. The family had several daughters who all are mothers at the school. And the grandmother who is the matriarch who regularly does pickup etc. After breaking this up and calming down, splitting up the various family members, it transpired that the grandmother was currently pregnant. Oh. The problem was that she was pregnant

by one of her daughter's partners. Oh my God. The man in question, it eventually turned out, had also slept with one of the other sisters. Oh. And a family friend who was also a parent at the school the child when born will be both uncle and brother to his siblings oh my god this is like hillbilly stuff that is we could go on and on with our stories please do it's like the Wild West around here. Cheers, B.

Please send more in, because this feels like there's more going on at this place. Yeah. There's something psychologically wrong with that man. Yeah. Yeah, of course. He's got his partner, and he's shagging his partner's sister

and the partner's mom. Also, look, if you're gonna fuck your wife's mom, put a Johnny on. Come on. You know what I mean? You don't have to be an angel, but have a little bit. Do you know what? It's the bare minimum, isn't it?

Rubber up. I know the real problem here is you shouldn't be having sex with your wife's mom. But if you're going to and say you've got a gun to your head, you have to do it, you can't stop. Yeah. Johnny up. Johnny up. Oh my God.

Where did you find the time? So let's just run through that again. The grandmother. Yep. And her grandmother. Yep. And her daughter. Yep. And then one of their friends who's also a mum at the school. Do you know what? That last one, it's actually not that bad.

At least not a blood relative. If you haven't shagged your mate. It's a bit of a relief. Rose started shagging Tom Crane, yeah? Yeah. You wouldn't go selling me, mate, because she's not shagged my dad. Yeah. No, thank God she hasn't shagged my dad and my brother. Well yeah it's like Rose shagging your dad, your brother and Tom Crane.

It's like some sort of fucking vendetta. Yeah, that is mental. Who'd play Rose in the film? Bonnie Blue. Who's Bonnie Blue? You are so behind the times. Lily Phillips? Who's Lily Phillips? Your gap for popular culture knowledge of what's going on. These people have appeared in like the Daily Mail and like BBC news articles. Yeah, but I don't do the sidebar of shame.

I've heard of Lily Phillips. Why have I heard of her? Well, you've heard of her because there's a comedian called Lily Phillips who unfortunately shares the same name, but I don't think you're thinking about the same Lily Phillips. These are women that are on OnlyFans sleeping with a thousand men. Are they? Well, you want to make it a thousand and one? So what does Lily Phillips do?

Basically OnlyFans models are in documentaries trying to sleep with as many men as possible. It's very bleak. It's very dark. It was a throwaway comment that I thought people would laugh at because they don't know who they are. But you're... Yeah, they probably did Rob. We'll never know.

Yeah. You're just a 41 year old man now Googling OnlyFans models. Yeah, that's going to affect my, yeah, she's only 23. Jesus, it's very bleak, it's not ideal. Do you know if someone emailed my agent to congratulate, they enjoyed a joke I did so much that they wanted to just tell me they liked that joke. Oh, what one was it?

It was on the Traitors Uncloaked. What is that? It's the spin-off of, it's like, apprentice you're fired for traitors. Right. You don't watch the traitors, but you're aware they have a long breakfast table. Yeah, and they'll sit around chatting on it. Yeah. And there was a discussion about if Jesus went on the traitors and I said he'd find that breakfast table triggering. Yeah. And this guy, he even held my agent. It's a very good joke. It's a bit of fun. We can all enjoy that. Yeah. Very, very good. That's nice though to share if he's enjoyed it. I loved it. Thank you Tim. That is a great joke. I

didn't even remember doing it really. It just flows out of you. It just flows, just actually, when I'm on these shows. Once you're in flow. Yeah, once I'm in flow. Fucking hell. Imagine. Guys, just to let you know, good luck getting a joke in. Josh is in flow. Yeah. Right. Another one. Oh happy Valentine's Day by the way Josh. Happy Valentine's Day. Hi guys, I just listened to a recent podcast where an anonymous listener mailed in about a nursery school teacher sending graphic pics on a swingers site and it reminded me of something that happened a few years ago, probably on the same swing and site. I mean, a single guy and I were chatting, he sent the normal pics, et cetera, and told me the general details of where he lived and that I could visit him at

certain times when his teenage daughters were out and gave me his number. As I put his number into my phone, I realized it was already in there. Oh no. His son and my daughter had dated a few years earlier. The son got my daughter pregnant before leaving her, never to have contact with either of them again. Oh my God. The last time I had messaged this bloke was to send him a photo

of our shared grandchild the day after they were born. Needless to say, I blocked him and didn't contact him again. Oh my God. Obviously, I kept it secret all these years, so stand anonymous to maintain the air of mystery but I'm an avid listener. Oh my word. So that that was, it was his son that did that, not him. Yeah.

But obviously she must have had his number when they were messaging about their teenage kids. Bloody hell. Oh my god. I tell you what, shaggers breed shaggers. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. It's in the blood, it's in the gene pool.

Exactly, I wonder where it must be. Everything's, is it? I don't know. Not everything's in the gene pool exactly. I wonder where must be everything's jay-z. I don't know Not everything's genetic nature versus nurture nature versus nurture right guys twice see people say sometimes yeah, but then I suppose if you're brought up by a Shagger, but this is not to say Rob if you are brought by shaggy You'll be like that break the generational chain don't don't relive it right guys Yeah, and I also want to make it very clear that I'm totally fine with swinging.

All right. I'm not equating that with getting someone pregnant and completely leaving them. No, I wasn't saying that either. I do feel like I've regurgitated some sort of Instagram self-help page just then. What was that? Just I've said loads of weird things I've seen, but I don't understand.

Yeah, yeah. You know, break the generational chain, nature nurture. Would you swing? No, I'd hate it. What if Rose was really into it and would love to give it a go? No. And it's when you're older, you've got to 55, right?

Few years away, you go, look, the kids are all grown up and I just want to swing, Josh. I want you there, I want to do it with you. Did you say swing like W grown up and I just want to swing, Josh. I want you there. I want to do it with you. Did you say swing like Wainswell? I just want to swing. I just want to swing, Josh, and like, we can work out what our boundaries are. OK, my boundaries are if you take your clothes off. Right, OK. Let's say this.

Rose wants to swing, but the way she wants to swing is she doesn't want to get involved. She just wants to go to a swingers party and have some drinks drinks and she sits there while she watches you have sex with two women. That's what she wants to happen. That's what I have to do. No, I'd find that incredibly stressful. Do you know what I imagine about a swinger's party? Go on. That it stinks. And it's slippy. Yeah, and there's just sounds that you don't want to hear. So if that was Rose's thing, would you accommodate that? Would you go, no, it's not for me? I think she's left it too late.

OK, it's not a swingers party. You're in a hotel room in Vegas and she hires two sex workers to pleasure you, however you want, as she just watches. I just think it'd be weird. Is it, though? I don't know. You'll have to ask her. Why? What's in it for her you do that for Lou George that's what she like is this what happened when you and Lou went away that time no no it's just a question okay no because I think it would probably not be the end

of it what you think that she would like when you I want four women on you now I want a bloke to come in I don't believe that would scratch an itch. Look, you think it's going to escalate and Rose will be like, right, that two women just I'm watching. I'm always watching. I'm never involved fully dressed, turtleneck on. I'm just watching. Two women, but now I want a man to come in to finish the job on you. I don't think that's the, I don't know where it's going. Same for you and Rose is still at it.

Where it's going is the worry I suppose. But yeah, no, having swinging would stress me out as well. Oh, it'd be awful, really difficult. Yeah, it's just not for me. I don't like big parties. All right, do you want to do an avondra or we'll do it? Hi, Robert Josh. My first day of year nine,

I was sorted into a new maths class for the new teacher I'd not met before. Upon walking in and seeing him, I recognized him instantly. I'd been friends with his sons when in primary school and my mum had become good friends with his sons when in primary school, and my mum had become good friends with him and his wife. We spent many an evening barbecue and days around the house,

including sleepovers and various parties. We then moved house and I assumed that we'd lost contact. The teacher recognized me and asked how my mum was. I was still very shy at that age, but told him she was fine and carried on into the lesson, secretly buzzing that I knew the teacher, especially as he apparently had a reputation of being cool. I Got home from school excited to tell my mom who the new teacher was

As soon as I told her her face dropped and all she said was something along the lines of oh fuck. I Questioned her all evening and she said super vague but eventually told me the truth The reason we moved houses because my mom had had an affair with him behind his wife's back. Oh, God. It had gone on for over a year and the shit hit the fan when he drunkenly confessed to his wife. Mum thought she'd never speak to either of them again after moving to the other side

of the city. The parents' evenings were very awkward after that day. Well, why did she tell the I thought it was like 14. I don't think you would react in such a... I think I'd be a bit more like, oh, we just lost contact, you know, as you move house sometimes with friends, you just don't see him as much.

And then the daughter would say, why did you react by saying, oh fuck? Yeah, maybe she should just pan it to the first. That's the bit where you go like, surely you can keep a poker face there. Well, maybe though, she's not mentioned her dad in this so maybe her mum was single and then just was seeing him so it's not that big a problem on their side of things then? Yeah yeah yeah.

She could be like well I was seeing him for a bit but he had a wife and then I decided to move because... Yeah. Every time I was late with homework or a bit cheeky and classy to say in front of all my peers I still have your mum's number, should I give her a ring? You might want to check with your wife first. Yeah. Something like that. But you don't say that to someone when you're about to do your

GCSEs, do you? Cheeky beggar. Cheeky little bastard. Bit cool, are you? Yeah. Sounds like a fucking sex man. Yeah. Which isn't cool. Yeah. Pythagoras that.

Love triangle. Am I right? Oh yeah. Isosceles sin cos tan. That's all my maths knowledge in one go there. Pythagoras, isosceles sin cos tan. What was isosceles? Isosceles is a narrow angle. An isosceles triangle, is that right? I'll tell you what, mate, give it a bloody Google. Bonnie blue, isosceles.

That's something for everyone. I can't Google it because I've got no idea how to spell it. Yeah, but you don't need to. The computer will tell you. Isosceles triangle. Yeah, isosceles. Oh, two sides of equal length or two angles of equal measure. Respect.

Hi Rob Josh and Sexy Michael. I have a playground shaggy story that I vaguely remember from my primary school around 30 years ago. I went to a conservative church of England primary school in a very small village in the early 90s. Now that is all the ingredients for a fuckfest, isn't it, Josh? Yeah, that's where I went. I didn't go to a conservative C of E primary school. I went to a C of E primary school. Well, C of E was born out of fucking, wasn't it? Henry VIII.

Exactly, my man. A church wouldn't exist if they weren't such a big fat horny king. Anyway, when I was in, I think year three or four, the pupils and PTA had spent the best part of the year fundraising for a much needed extension to the school. And after many banks, house, auctions and events, the goal was reached and building finally started. Soon after work began, it came to light through gossiping parents that one of the builders

was having an affair with someone related to the school. Oh. The mums at the school pickup were gossiping and speculating about who it was and what was going on. And we're trying to work out who the mystery playground shagger was. Well, it turns out the builder was indeed having an affair with none other than the headmaster's wife. Go on son. Oh wow. Got the builder going in top level. He's not messing about. Oh my word. Memory is hazy, but I think I head teacher and his wife parted ways. It was common knowledge between the parents and pupils that his wife ran off with the

builder. No idea if that's true. No idea if they're still together, but the school extension was completed by the same building company. Site management meetings with the school must have been a wee bit awkward. That's from Anonymous. Oh. Love that.

How does he meet the head teacher's wife? Well, he's there all sexy in his big dirty jeans and his high vis diet coke break. She's sort of like, oh hello, yeah, working late again. He's like, yeah, I am. Can I see the extension? Yes, you can. Before you know it, she's on her back

looking through the skylight. Yeah, keep going. Come on. Keep filming me. Am I doing erotic fiction for Midland England? He pulls up her pinny-fall. He pulls down his tall belt. Sorry, this is disgusting. Happy Valentine's. Hey guys, I thought I'd email him with a playground sugar story.

One evening, me and my best friend, both teachers, were out in the town where we taught. She gave me a look to say, I'm gonna go home with this guy that she's been chatting and flirting with all night. Next morning I got a text from her of a school photo of a child on the mantelpiece in the man's house. Yes, she'd accidentally had a one night stand with a dad from her class.

Oh my word. No. On Monday morning, she quizzed the child about who lived with them. Mummy and Daddy replied the innocent six-year-old. She found out that that weekend, the child and mummy had gone to a spa for their birthday and left Daddy at home. That's a red flag, innit?

He's not going on the birthday trip. Yeah. Fortunately, Daddy didn't do the school run, as you can imagine, was a bit of a dickhead, so didn't turn up to anything school related So neither she nor I saw him again. We took an oath We would never speak of this again Love the podcast keeps me saying on my endless trips to the park with my boys because Josh is right having a boy is like Having a dog and I have to a non. I love that. I took it off

We'd never speak of this again until two people said, you know I took it over, if we'd ever speak of this again, until two people said, you know anyone that shagged anyone at school? Straight in. That is great. Well, I feel sorry for the teacher there because... Well, I feel sorry for the wife. Yeah, obviously that's the main person you feel sorry for there. But if you're a teacher in a school, you've got to do your homework. That's one of the things that you're famous for is making people do your homework. Absolutely. Exactly. Do your own homework.

So say you're the teacher, Rob. Yeah. And you get up at his house and you see the picture. Yeah. Would you have brought that up with him? I think I'd have mentioned it. I think if she's been flirting and chatting with him all night, look, I've not flirted

and chatted with anyone all night for years. Right guys? Yeah, least of all Lou. But normally your job or what you do or where you live comes up. Yeah. And I think if you had children, but obviously cause he's having a fair, he's just lying, isn't he? Do you think he knew she was the school teacher? She might not have because he didn't do school.

No, he's not going to know, but he must've known she was a teacher. I feel like sometimes cause I work full time and Lou takes more of the school mental load. I don't always know exactly when it's choir, right? But if I was out on a night out, I'd know that I was about to go home and shag one of the teachers. I'd say I've got that level of knowledge. You know, just random teachers in the school, I'd recognize a no and not do it.

So how bad of a parent have you got to be to be so separate from your kid? It's an actual teacher as well. Also, here's a question. You're bringing someone back to your home Go to their house because surely even if your wife and daughter are away It's still obviously a family home like if I brought someone back here. They would go Sorry. Yeah, just quickly check

You married yes, this this house constructionally safe? Because there seems to be scaffold up. A man called Adrian here, an angel grinder. Are we going to be OK all night? As soon as you walk in. Not with a bloody way. I'm going to get this house shaken. I'll tell you that for free.

Well, yeah, I do think you've got to take a little bit. Like, when you get back to the house, you've got to check the mantelpiece. And you've got to go, this actually feels a bit dodgy. It feels like this man's got family. But then a photo of the kid, he could be a divorced dad. Yeah, it may, yeah. If you brought a woman back to your house, Rob,

do you think you could take her to bed without her clocking that you were married? It'd be a very weird house to have as a man on his own. I may not be married, but you would definitely know that there was children there. But you could be, I suppose, like doing joint custody or something. Yeah, I mean, she's probably just been lied to by this man that's terrible and having an affair.

Yeah, yeah. True. But that's, you know, as a teacher, that's, you know. I'm not blaming her. She's fill her boots. That's the thing with teachers, you know, you have to do marking, you get, you know, 25 weeks holiday a year and you've got to check mantelpieces before you fuck strangers on a night out. That is some of the tougher things about being a teacher. It's weird, isn't it? That kid and that mum, so you're talking to that mum at parents

evening and you know all this. You know her husband's dicks like. But you know more about her husband than she does in a way. We do really need to, the handwriting, she is holding the pencil at a slightly funny angle, we really need to get that pencil in the right position because it makes writing for easier. Also as well, no wee husband digs like. Yeah, don't trust your husband. But I can't say why. Yeah, I always thought this because there are people, especially, I mean, I couldn't be friends with anyone like that, it stresses me out too much, I feel disingenuous to their partner. But I think those people must accept that they're a shacker and that's just what they do in their

relationship and they're not that bothered about it or there's ground rules where you go and do what you want but not when we're together. Yeah. Or whatever. Well, like, I presume our previous playground Shaka's email about the footballer who got people to sign NDAs, from what I've heard, they have an understanding. Yeah. So it's nothing secretive for the partner. It's just supposed to be kept quiet.

Yeah. One more email. One more. Anonymous, please. When I was younger, my uncle always insisted on doing drop-offs to school for his three children during primary school. That's nice of him, you might think.

Turns out he was sleeping with the receptionist, who also had her own three children. Lots of speculation as why he took so long to return home on Fridays. So now this implies that he was shagging her at the school. Mason Larson Do you mean school time? James Dixon Or sneaking out to the car. Anyway, this affair was only discovered when a new teacher assumed the cheating receptionist's youngest child was my uncle's and sent this little boy to my aunt who was doing pickup when the

penny dropped for my aunt and she looked so much like my uncle turns out he was indeed my uncle's son. Oh my god, oh my god. Oh my god, so we had enough child with the receptionist. Oh my god. Well yeah, because they look so similar. It must be awful and I haven't got any sympathy with these people because obviously they've made a mistake but imagine you've got someone pregnant and you're like we're gonna It must be awful. And I haven't got any sympathy with these people because obviously they've made a mistake. But imagine you've got someone pregnant and you're like, we're going to just pretend it's not me. And then the way that baby looks is a ticking time bomb.

If they start listening to blur, we are in trouble. Well, my kids look like me, Rob. They do look a lot like you. So I'd be looking at this going, I'm in trouble here. You can't. Your genes are too strong. You can't start shagging a receptionist at school, Rob. They do look a lot like you. So I'd be looking at this going, I'm in trouble here. You can't, your genes are too strong. You can't start shagging the receptionist at school, Josh. My genes are too strong.

I can't start shagging the receptionist. I need a more generic face to do that. My problem is my genes are so strong, I can't fuck about. Exactly. Guys, thank you so much for the Playground Shagging Stories. Happy Valentine's Day. And I would like to say to everyone out there

with their valentines, have a wonderful time with your Valentine. However, if you are single, what I'd like you to remember is, a lot of people are disgusting and you might be better off single. Because from what we've heard today, it sounds like being in relationships is a fucking hellscape.

Whatever situation you're in, have a wonderful day. Happy Valentine's Day, Josh. Happy Valentine's. Happy Valentine's Day, Michael. Happy Valentine's Day. Thank you. Yeah,. Happy Valentine's Day, Michael. Happy Valentine's Day. Thank you. Yeah, there we go. Until next time, keep shagging and letting us know. Bye. Bye. Hi, this is Chris McCorsland. And this is Diane Buswell. And we've got a new podcast,

haven't we, Diane? We do. What's it called? Winning. Isn't. Everything. Every week, me podcast.