Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S9 EP8: Russell Kane (The Return)

Episode Date: September 20, 2024

Joining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant writer, actor and comedian - Russell Kane. Russell's fantastic new kids book 'Pet Selector!' is available now. Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available free everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Follow us on instagram: @parentinghell  Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping.

And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice, and of course, tales of parenting woe. Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. I'm going back to university for $0 delivery fee. Up to 5% off orders and 5% Uber cash back on rides. Not whatever you think University is for.

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They chose both because they knew the best part of beer is the beer. Your game time tastes like Miller time. Learn more at MillerLite.ca. Must be legal drinking age. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett.

Okay, now can you say Josh Widdecombe? Widdecombe. Say Josh? Josh. That's it, well done. Now Widdecombe. Widdecombe. Yeah, that's a do. There we go!

We know these people, don't we Josh? We know these people. Alan and Lara, this is our two-year-old daughter Lucia who claims to be a fan of the podcast. In fact she even mastered saying her names. Debatable. No she didn't do Widdicombe. No.

You see she's bilingual so while it might sound like she's shouting something totally unintelligable, I can assure you it's just the bilingual magic at work. When she says Bob Beddict and Josh Widdicombe it's clearly nailing Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe. So don't worry if it sounds like she's knocked back a few too many strawberry daiquiris on a boozy lunch. Thanks for the laughs. Mostly toddler approved content.

I think it's all toddler approved because really they're not gonna know when we're effing and blinding. Yeah, toddler approved but not older than that. That's from Alan. Yeah, the window cleaner. Who also sometimes drives comedians home from gigs. Yep, oh, he's had some good drives.

It's his son and daughter-in-law in his little Suzuki Jimny. So big up Alan. Big up Alan. They're fans of the pod. I was mentioned to what he said about shitsues on there. You've been talking about me on that fucking pod, haven't you? About shitsues. Yeah. Thank you very much forsoos. And I was like, yeah, I agree. Ha ha ha ha ha. Thank you very much for that one.

Keep sending them in. Yeah, we've got Russell Kane today, Rob. Yes, the return of Russell Kane. I'd say a popular yet divisive figure in the world of Parent in Hell would probably go on the Louisa Zisman sort of board of. Yeah, I wouldn't go as far as Louisa Zisman in terms of Marmite.

Would you say she's more Marmite than Russell was her reaction? Oh yeah. Well, who else has Marmite'd it up? I don't know actually. Who else has Marmite'd it up? I like the Marmiters. Yeah, give me a sec. I love Marmite. I don't, I hate it. And that's how this got crossed. I'm a Bob Raul boy.

Are you? Bob Raul boy, yep. Would you have Bob Raul on toast? Yeah, what are you doing with it? Wipe it on your arse. No, isn't it a drink? A football it is, but the spread, you have it on toast. Well, I do anyway.

Right, what's your favorite spread on toast? Oh, Skippy peanut butter crunchy, but it's so bad for you. Is it? Have you not had it? Why is it bad for you? Oh, it's American, it's just so calorific. Oh, right, oh, right.

What do you have? I bet you have that pure. No, I'm not big on peanut butter. I find it too claggy. Yes, you have to have a lot of drink with it. Yeah. Like a lot of water or squash. So I like Marmite or I like... I like a Marmalade because I'm 200 years old. Why are you so old? What is it? Is it like you have really old taste for your age? Yeah, it is weird that, isn't it? Now, is it because the West Country's a bit behind? No, because that would mean that I was young for my age, wouldn't it?

Like, I'd still be playing catch-up. No, no, but I mean like in taste and like... No, I don't think it is that. I imagine Skippy Peanut Butter would have hit Bromley and London before... Where's your nearest Costco? I don't even know what Costco is Rob. Well exactly, you're from the Shire. You're from a world of homemade marmalade and jazz.

No, but I just don't like peanut butter. No, but it's not about peanut butter Josh. I just don't like... It's about you and tea and marmalade and pick of the pops and old things. You love old things. Yeah. And that's fine, it's not a criticism. I do.

But I'm just saying like, for example, like No. Gentleman's relish? It doesn't sound like it, it's not a criticism. But you know what it is, don't you? No, I don't have that, no. Would you have American style pancakes? No, I'd have UK style pancakes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I mean, it's just very... Eccles cake, would you be... No, I'm not fucking Wallace and Gromit, like... Ha ha ha! What's your biscuits? What's your top three biscuits? My top three biscuits? I love a custard cream.

Of course you do. I love a chocolate hobnob. I'd say though, that's a little bit more modern for you. Is it? Okay, good. I'd say that's you pushing the boat out there. But what are the other modern... Do you like sushi? No, I think sushi's a load of crap

Yes, you are Full Japanese culture beautifully prepared and if you offer me a plate of sushi or a plate of custard creams No, that's not even a decision. All right, custard cream. So what are the modern cool biscuits? I just think biscuits in general are quite old and naff, aren't they? Do you like Ferrero Rocher?

I quite like them because I feel like they're probably not as bad for me, and I'm sure they are just as bad for me. Oh, I see. They're a bit old though. It's not exactly like a modern bit. What about candy kitten sweets? I enjoy a candy kitten. Yeah.

You are like, if an American had to write a film about friends in London You'd be the sort of awkward cardigan wearing Marmalade muncher. Yeah. Yeah, I don't wear cardigans, but people just presume I do because you're on your porridge as well I don't know porridge that often. No, but quite a bit. I do like it. Yeah, it's good but quite a bit. I do like it yeah it's good. Get yourself some skippy peanut butter. I just find peanut butter too claggy on toast. You like Nutella? No I don't like Nutella. Fuck me who doesn't like Nutella? No I like Nutella. What's so wrong with you? I like it just I could eat a spoonful of Nutella on bread I find it too claggy. No I'm not having it on bread, spoon it in boy. Alright yeah I'd eat a spoonful of Nutella but I don I find it too claggy. No, I'm not having it on bread. Spoon it in, boy.

All right, yeah, yeah. I'd eat a spoonful of Nutella, but I don't like chocolate spread on toast. Oh, no, no, no, sorry. Was you saying you don't like it on toast? You were still on the toast thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah, I don't know.

I'm not a fan of it on bread or toast, but spoonful or having it on, you know, I used to put a spoonful of it in a bowl of cereal with milk. Oh! Have you ever had that? Yeah, it's good. That's a death alone. And you know what? to put a spoonful of it in a bowl of cereal with milk. Oh you've heard that? Yeah that's good and you know what I do occasionally if we had double cream for some reason I'd have I'd have that on my rice krispies as well as my milk. That is Brexit I like it. I love it. That is we don't need the EU for this. No exactly fucking hell try and rule that out and I'm gonna have a

bendy banana so you're fucking pricks is the other way around. Can't even remember what the issue was. What's the problem with the bananas? Two straight two bendy. I can't remember which the son of the male got upset about, but one way or the other. We did a lot of jokes about that on Mott the Week. Oh yeah, big time. Remember when it used to be horse meat, the scandal, rather than like everything else completely falling apart? I think our time on Mott the Week was a really innocent

time it felt like. It was all just jokes about like David Cameron going on holiday to Cornwall and stuff. Yeah, he left his son in a pub. Yeah, it was like oh yeah and he might have fucked a pig. But it was like, it was so light. Looking back, Brexit and Covid were not ideal periods of British history, are they? At least with like the odd recession and a bank crash it's sort of, oh yeah, that happens then again, but those two, one felt very self-inflicted and the other one was just... Sorry, what? That was a joke. Just to be very clear.

Oh right, Russell Kane. We love Russell Kane, heart gold Russell. Research is everything, but he's very knowledgeable and we're chatting to him about his daughter and parenting. Enjoy. Welcome back to the podcast, Russell Kane. A returner. Hello. He's returning, the return. I think you originally did it during the pandemic.

Possibly, possibly, yeah. That really was parenting hell. Parenting inferno, you should re-bring that series, inferno, if you ever want to live on a casher. Parenting inferno, you should re-bring that series. Inferno, if you want to live on a casher. Parenting charred corpses. In bubbling fat while Satan cackles over the souls. That's what that series is called. It wouldn't have done as well, I don't think. If it was called parenting charred corpses. It's tough to get that pass as sponsors. Just to be clear, corpses and souls with the parents crying in despair at the bottom of the stairs trying to get through another day that really was something else. How old your daughter now Russ? You've got one daughter

haven't you? I'm gonna guess nine. Yeah eight. Oh eight. Eight. But she is nine in a month so she's nearly there. Year four. Year four, same as you Rob. Yeah exactly the same age. Yeah so I'd say Russ you probably had one of the most talked about episodes you've ever had on this. You were so well researched in your techniques and you were like having your daughter sleep through the night from like a baby, like for 12 hours and things like that. There was bad blowback from that as well.

Every time- Did you get bad blowback? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every time we were out, me and Lindsay would be out having a drink somewhere and I could see like a woman just building up to speak to me, but not with that. You know when someone's building up, but not with a friendly face. Yeah. Yep.

Comedy is divisive enough anyway, without a topping of, I know about babies better than you on top of your sourdough loaf of, I don't find it funny. Okay, mate. Oh yeah, it's not, it's all right. Very well for you. Not all of us. Some people really struggle. My daughter, I was never having a go at anyone that had any medical condition.

I was never saying you should do it your way. I'm just saying this is the way we did it. And it worked for us with parenting. It's not like a is right or B is right. What it is, is you both have to be on the same page or you're screwed. What's the, are you all right to swear? Yeah. You've just said child corpses.

Yeah, that's not swearing. No, I know, but I'd say it's more offensive. It's almost historical if you open the 20th century on any page. I've got friends and when they get married they're like, yeah, we're gonna have a baby. If you spoke about what's gonna happen when the baby's born, nah, nah, we're in love. We're gonna let baby guiders divorce.

Also, I think everyone's got their, like, such... parenting and kids is such strong opinions that we have people on and it's always a silent majority which is like, yeah, okay, that's what they've done that, you know, whatever. There's always other people that want to have a go. So I wouldn't take it to heart. So give us some things for people to have a go at you next time, Russell. Right.

So since I've spoke to you, because there's such a big difference between five years old and eight or nine years old. The challenges are completely different. It's no longer about poo and sleep and basic body functions. It's about emotional and psychological and social development. Minna, my daughter, rhymes with dinner, because I'm from Essex. As soon as you say Minna, do you know what people say? It's probably the same in Kentrow. They go, where's that from? You're a bit French, aren't you't you Russ you look quite better you know what's that then is that

Portuguese and Lindsay's part italian so my daughter's come out darker than both of us where's that from you can get a memo in 2016 so yeah i'm but my life now because Minner is very much like me i just understand I understand I'm an unusual like high energy person all comedians are unusual right that's why we do what we do so she's similar to you in that sort of high energy she's a clone right she's a clone right head spinning bored bored bored where's the next attention yeah can I do how can I show up blah blah blah blah oh great you've got to be fucking kidding, that is unbelievable. I'm telling you, that alarm signals a strong opinion is coming. I've got a little button next to me just to warn that a strong opinion is coming.

Even though Minna is difficult, she's got a little touch of what I call oppositional defiance. Let's go to the beach, I want to go to the shopping centre. We'll go to the shopping centre. Okay, I want to go to the beach. Yeah. Right. Let's do both. No, I want to pick one. Okay. We'll just pick one. I want to do both. Like you can't win the way of children feeling powerful. See people think, oh, this, that child's so difficult. But what it is when you're eight, because you've got no power and you just feel like so tiny, you'll do anything to feel like you have a bit of agency on your situation. And that defiance is the only tool some children have.

And if you take it the wrong way, oh, dad, you do us, you're screwed. You're in World War Three. So my life now, I don't know about you two, is like a barrister with Lindsay going, you need to tell her and Mina going, but that's not what I said. And I'm like, got my wig on trying to represent both sides of the argument. And it built and built and built. We got to a point where it was, but Lindsay was really not coping when I was away. It was arguing all the time.

And so we were doing this talk, funnily enough, about sleep for adults. We were on some panel in Dubai doing this wellness talk and a woman took me aside afterwards and she went read this book, Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson. I was like, that sounds like wanky American bollocks. But I was just on holiday. I'd just finished a book. I primed it to my Dubai hotel, opened it and I read this thing in 48 hours and it has changed my fucking life. Positive Dis it called? Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson. The secret. The secret.

I should just say, Russell, you are on to promote your own book, so don't be too positive about, you know, which we will come to. Which we will come to. We can promote both books. We can promote, what's it called again? Sorry, Positive Discipline. Positive Discipline because I was raised, and when we we were in Dubai my mum was there with a boyfriend Mom's got boyfriend called Danny

He was like we're at dinner just tell her the adults are talking or you can go fucking bed Yeah, that's how I was raised. Yeah, or That's route one or you're told that route Dinner then there might be difficult Russell? Like for example Oh it's 384 pages! Fucking hell! Just butting in, just talking over, going I'm bored, I've had my dinner, I want to go back to the room So not joining the conversation, sort of trying to railroad you Yeah

Can I go for a walk? Can I go for a walk while you're eating? Just being naughty, defiant Yeah, someone's just going... So I'm looking at you Yeah Openly fucking walking in just to catch the listeners up I've woken up with a swollen eye to two people shagging next door fire alarms going off in a reception that hates me You are in a hotel. Let's be clear. You're not home Yes, yeah, you did think I was Nick Grimshaw though, so I take it personally So yeah, just naughty behavior spoiled behavior. We'd bring a little surprise You know like little two- pounds away from the works.

That's the everything we'll get onto is we don't have any screens at the dinner table. We've failed in every other aspect of our life with junkie iPad addiction. I just won't have it at the dinner table when we're eating. And just like Lindsay crying meal finishing early, everyone getting stressed. So I was raised, you fucking child's place. A child, you do what you're told. And the other school that seems to be available This is before I realized it was a third way positive discipline is little Ollie does what he likes Oh, look, he's smeared a dog shit on the carpet. It's a creative sculpture. What can we make it Ollie?

We don't use the word. No, there's no winners at their sports day. Everyone wins the whole time Oh look, they're 18 and they haven't got promoted and now now they want to smash their faces to a wall. Cause I haven't learned to lose or learn the word. No. You know, how can you raise a child? Okay. We didn't do any nose or any boundaries. They're a child. So it's not one of the two down the middle is a positive way of using

discipline and it's such an easy hack for anyone listening. So if it kicks off, so for example, we had the other week, Mina finishes school at three 45, but she wants to go to gymnastics club at 5pm. So there's an dead hour in between where one of the other parents are going to run them. So that hour was to go to after school net, but well, I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. I don't want to do net, but well, we can't get arranged to lift you to go to

gym now that would in the old results screaming, kickoff Lindsay. Yes. I spy on me. Yeah. And maybe I blow you too. Cockney Banky moon or Kofi and non peacekeeping in the middle. So what we do now is we sit down, right? This is the bear with me because it sounds wanky in American, but it works.

It works. No, I'm on board. I'm on board. You sit down all three of you or all four of you or how many kids you've got, and you let the child lead the suggestions for the solution. Yeah. Right. Now, they can't cost anything. It can't be ridiculous and it can't hurt anyone. You go to the child, right? So this is the problem. This is the sentence construction I use. This

is the issue. You can't go to gymnastics if you don't go to netball because me and mommy aren't here. We're working. So what's your ideas of how we could solve that? All right, I'll go netball then. It was like, imagine, I was like, what? Yeah, I'll go. I presented the problem and said, you choose whatever you choose next, we'll do. All right, I'll do it. On other occasions, she'll go, well, how about if I do that for 15 minutes and then I go

homework club, good idea, Minna. But if I'd have suggested it, I don't want to go to go homework club. Good idea, Minna. But if I'd have suggested it, but because she's getting that, remember where I started about getting that power, that agency, because she's buying into the solution, it works over and over and over again. And what if she doesn't? So we've got a problem here. Can't go any ideas. Anyone got any ideas?

And within that gap, 99% of the time, give me some more. Russell, that's just one example right in the middle of the book. I'll send it to you after we finished recording is a chart. Whenever your kid is playing up, it's one of four different behaviors that are expressing themselves in the wrong way. Okay. I only familiar with behavior. Number one, cause that's all my daughter was misplaced need for power.

So a child feels small, helpless, pathetic, unpowerful. So to get powerful men is trying to get one over on the other alpha female at the house, if you like the mom. So she's like, she's always trying to replace Linda. What about if mommy sleeps in the spare room or in the cellar and me and you hang out, you know, she's got in that sort of Oedipus replace the mommy, always trying to replace Linda. What about if mommy sleeps in the spare room or in the cellar and me and you hang out, you know, she's got in that sort of Oedipus replace the mommy, trying to get power and she's doing it through behavior.

One of the other ones is a child that feels insecure or lacks a sense of belonging. Yeah. So they're being naughty when all they want to be told is it's all right. You're one of us. You are included. Come here, have a hug. And then there's two others, which Mina doesn't suffer with. So I'm not familiar with, but broadly speaking, there are four.

And you can skip a bit of a book, isn't it? It just wasn't that chart in the middle. I promise you, your kid will fall into one of those. And the other hack that Jane Nelson has given me is, you know, when you're in it, I don't know if you've got children that melt down and kick off, right? Or if you've got calm ones when you're ready, if it's not fair. You know, Pippa's got this, Emily's got this. Why haven't I got roller skates? This only works 50% of the time, but I'm shocked.

It works one in two. You could do one or two things that you walk out and do not interact with the child's calm. I see what darling, you're in a bit of a state. I'm just going to wait outside till you're calm and I'll be straight back and do it nicely. Yeah. The power of walking away or sometimes go just out of the blue. Do you need a hug? I would never would have thought I was

opposite hours right there you speak to me little shit. I just go you need a hug. She goes, yeah, yeah, have a hug and the whole atmosphere changes. Wow. Not only need a hug when they've scraped their knee automatically. You need a hug when they're being a twat. They're in your face. Yeah, yeah, situation seems like it cannot be reversed. Do you want a hug when they're being a twat, they're in your face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Situation seems like it cannot be reversed. Do you want a hug? That often comes up with us. So when my daughter's kicking off, that is almost always how it ends.

Oh really? Yeah, but she won't admit that for a bit. Do you know what I mean? But it's always how we manage to diffuse it because- How old is she, John? Six, classic dad couldn't remember the age. Six. Just say it three times to manifest her in front of you.

So she's just got to this point where she just has meltdowns. It feels like it's hormonal or whatever it is. Cause she'll go, I can't calm down. Like she's aware of it, if that makes sense. And so she'll lose it over whatever. I thought I was talking about it the other day was like getting ready for PE, she's got a t-shirt and jumper on, but it's a bit too cold for the shorts, but it's not cold enough for the big thick jogging bottoms that they have for like the winter. She's going, I don't

want to wear them. I don't wear them. Like Russell said, the answer is you have to wear one of these. So you've just got to pick one. Yeah. But I think if you reframe that and go, okay, well, here's the problem. You've got no bottoms on no shorts or jogging bottoms. What's the solution? And then she probably would have just gone, Oh, I'll wear the shorts and then I'll take my jogging bottoms in my bag in case I get cold.

It's a change of phrasing. The phrasing of it. Yeah. So Lindsay was away in America last week, right? I'm happy she's doing well, but I had a book coming out, Evil Genius, the most research heavy podcast ever, I was doing a double record and had to learn all the history of Henry the eighth or something like that. And the tour is restarting two nights away.

So my brain was getting crushed and, uh, thank God for Lindsay's mom and dad. They were coming over, but they had their other granddaughter and his cousin. But the other thing with children, they don't like surprises. So instead of going, right, Nana were coming over, but they had their other granddaughter and his cousin. But the other thing with children, they don't like surprises. So instead of going, right now, and it's coming over and she's bringing the niece, they like to be part of the plan. That also that jogging bottoms thing. You just gone through there, Rob, a couple of days before you go right.

Bloody hell. What's this? Is it hot or cold? Come on guys, let's sit down. What are we going to do about PE? Any ideas? What can we, rather than go, right, we've got an issue now. Yeah.

Shorts or jogging bars. Right. It's six o'clock. Get them on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Exactly. Get them on our breakfast. They're like, what? So we screwed up and I just said, right, Nana's coming over with your cousin, which 99.9% of the time, yes, I get to see my cousin, but on this one, I'm going to be a twat occasion. I don't want to sleep over.

She'll keep me awake. She's in the same room. I've never heard a child say they don't want to sleep over. But sure enough, my daughter managed it. Now I sat down with her and went, right. Okay. Totally understand that this is another phrase to learn. I can't make you do that.

You're your own person. You can't force it. Child goes, what? I go, so these are the options. Nana has to look after your cousin. So I've got a couple of babysitters here. Do you remember the lady from the school that does babysitting Or you can come to work with me and sit at the side of the stage with your iPad on one

Okay, all right. All right. All right. No, I think I have my cousin. You sure what if she goes, right? Come we'll work with you then that was also it was a genuine possibility I would have quite liked to have her on the road with me, but I know for a fact that she hates It's only a four-hour drive to me that she hates. It's only a four hour drive to Midlands. You'll be in bed half eleven once I've had my kibab and watched my box set. If you've got her in the car, to get her into a four hour drive, they're like, actually can I stay? It's a crafty way really, but it's an empowering way for the child. It will solve a lot of conflicts and make the family meetings regulate.

Even when there's not an issue, this is as far as into wanky Americanism as I've gone. But we try to sit down once a week and go, right. What's everyone pissed off about? And Lindsay go, right. Mina says she wants a brand new bedroom. We obviously can't afford that. We've only just decorated the house.

Mina, what's the issues? What about if we've got a different throw or put some funky posters up? And just have an agenda. So me and Lindsay have got a little WhatsApp group. We've got family meeting stuff. We write it down. Then we sit down once a week, all three of us as equals, but secretly leading, me and Lindsay and sort of manipulating the chat a little bit.

So given the idea that they're a part of all the decision making when they're not really. Yeah. And they are. They genuinely, if you make them and the other time it's brilliant for his holidays, cause we think as mums and dads, Oh, we're going to Disney. They're going to love it. We don't, we don't need a meeting about what's going on when we go to Disney.

You fucking do. You need to sit down and go, right. We're not going to go to a park every day. Cause it's exhausting. What could we do on the days in between? Then when you land your little girl, yeah, it's the rest day. Dad, did you remember? We're going to do this.

And they're already on board with it rather than each morning. They're on board. Cause you have all these, you spend thousands of pounds, all your fucking savings, hard working, working class people to get on holiday and have a shit time. Your kid being in inverted commas, spoiled. They're not spoiled. They're just thinking that they can't express it.

It's my holiday, too. So why am I being bossed around? How is that a holiday? Yeah, this is great. And this Jane Jane Nelson just flips the switch. It's three hundred and eighty pages pages Josh, but it's really quick I'm gonna order it now. The audiobook is fantastic if you got a lot of drive in with her I've heard something about you and audiobooks before is it true you listen to audiobooks on 1.5?

Well, once I'm into it, yeah, and is that feasible? Yeah, of course it is if we're speaking now Yeah relation to audiobook speed we're on about 1.75 Oh, you don't listen to an audiobook speaking like that Do it is the speed I would be like and then I read Jane Nelson Bring them in to the discussion I'm gonna order it now. It's happening. And I think discipline wise parents go too far in the other direction It's happening and I think discipline wise parents go too far in the other direction They've become fascists or the wanky no winners at sports day. There is no bad behavior There are no boundaries in life do what you like you they need the safety of boundaries

But the hack is involve them in the construction of their own fucking boundaries. I love it. What the hell man? I tell you what I'm gonna. I'm gonna trial that if it doesn't work, I'm gonna be livid. Yeah, I'm gonna try it. I see that as such a positive, good idea that I don't think a drunk woman's gonna come up to you and have a go at you for that, Russell. No, no, she probably won't. She probably won't. If they do come up with it, you go,

right, let's sit down. You've got some options here. You've heard something you don't like. What should we do? It works on Adelses as well. It works on adults as well. It works on me. If I turn up to a TV recording, all right, you've got to do stand up down the barrel

of the camera. Yeah, TV production use it all the time. To be told, my back would go up. Excuse me, I'm the stand up. Why are you telling me? If they sat down with me and went, right, we've got this shot, we've got a locked on camera, the producer wants you to look down the barrel. We know you're not keen.

They've got any idea. Your temper just goes. Yeah. As an adult, look down the barrel. We know you're not keen. It got any idea. Your temper just goes. Yeah. As an adult, so imagine the power. For a child, yeah. It can have on a child. Yeah, because that's so true. Your back goes straight up.

If you've got a boss that goes, you're doing that. You do it. Well, you really work at one of these things. You'd come in at like seven am and go, right, you've got to do the yogurts. And I'll go, I don't know if they're fucking yogurts. If I've got any, what do you want me to do? I'll go, I quite like doing yogurts, actually.

Yeah, yogurts please. It's a fucking yoghurt split, if I've got any guys, what should I do? I'll go, I quite like doing yoghurt split actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yoghurt split. It's yoghurt or dog shit bags. Yeah, alright, I'll be on yoghurt split. I quite like being in the cold fridges. Well, as well as that book which Josh has already bought, you've got, this actually is quite a helpful book as well, for pet owners and families wanting pets.

Have you got it there? Yeah, I remember to bring a bloody copy. Oh, legend. Have you gigged to primary school kids before? No, talk to me about that. No. Oh, you've been doing that? I did three last week to launch the book.

Right. I thought, well, I know how to make my eight-year-old laugh. I can make her friends cry laughing. I'm a comedian. Well, it's called Pet Selector, isn't it? Because you've had a few books out. You've written novels. You've done awesome stuff about your family.

And this is called Pet Selector. And it's sort of a funny sort of... What age are we looking at here, Russell? Seven to 11. Seven to 11. And give us the elevator pitch, because it's not a story, is it? Well, the publishers came to me,

because everyone wants to write a kids fiction, but it's an idea. He's not a wizard, he can do magic. His name's Larry Trotter. Can I have my money now, please? He's a bit of an outcast at school, but he actually finds out he's talented at something. It's not the twits, but it's a granny that robs banks. All right, here's my money.

Thank you. All right. So everyone in the fucking dog wants to write an interesting fiction book for nine-year-old boys and girls, right? So it's so crowded. I've got no interest in competing and I prefer writing fiction for adults anyway. So they said, what about writing nonfiction for children? I was like not many of us do that and if they do write nonfiction, it's for teenagers or yeah

Yeah, like as you can tell from this chat, I love breaking things down and explaining them He was like what things you passionate about so I'm passionate about this that that then I had this cat on my lap Well, I was talking sorry you James Bondied Russell when you were in a meeting. Yeah, exactly, while I was closing the deal. Not yet, but that's how it ends, isn't it? I started to say how I chose the ragdoll cat and I had to translate the quite dry breed guide book you get for children into funny. So if you read the ragdoll in the National Geographic Guide, it's really well written, but it's like it has a blah blah blah, code black and it's renowned. Yeah, they're so dry. Yeah, I've like, have you got a mateographic Guide, it's really well written, but it's like it has a blah blah blah coat pattern, it's renowned for itself.

They're so dry. Yeah. I've like, have you got a mate? Even if he falls over, just gets up and goes, woo-ee, and my daughter was crying, laughing, she went, do another one. So then I flicked a Rottweiler and went, my name is Klaus and I will guard your health and, and jump, but still delivering all the historical information. How the breed was created, what its coat patterns are, what its temperament is,

but translated into funny. Kids love facts. My daughter would love this. She loves books about animals with good pictures. Yeah, my daughter would love this. Do you know what it was? It was a translation job. You forget that we speak two languages.

We speak normal and funny. Like we could go into Tesco's and go, right, describe that shelf of stuff. Not all my gigs. I'll tell you that for free. No, no, exactly. Yeah. Sometimes you're illiterate. So I just, I took the top 20 cat breeds in the US in the UK and the top 20 dog

breeds in the US and the UK. And then a few other pets for people that are allergic or living flats or whatever, like budgies and reptiles or insect. And I just researched each breed wrote to the various cat councils, dog councils, breeders got as much information and then translated it into how can I make seven to 11 year olds piss themselves laughing while they're reading it and then found a really good illustrator, Erica Salcedo and then it's just been so successful. Sainsbury's are taking it and there's a real thirst for this type of book. That's great. It is a really good idea.

I didn't do it for that reason. Because Adam Kayes, he did Children's's facts book and my daughter, her friends got it. It's really great. Like, and Dan Schreiber has done one about like paranormal or whatever. And my daughter loved it because it's so like kids fucking love to learn. Yes. Do you know what I mean? In fact, Dan Schreiber one's the one I'm thinking about. What's good about that for story time and bedtime, which is why I've written mine in this style, rather than just facts, which aren't very satisfying storytime. If it's half seven, I've tried to write each page narrative.

So you could just sit down with your kid and go, right, I'm going to read you the history of the ragdoll, you can go from beginning to end and it's like a short story rather than just facts, which aren't always as relaxing at bedtime for kids. So yeah, it was so much fun to write. It looks lovely as well. I went to a primary school and turned up and I just assumed, I don't know if you've written books, haven't you? Period.

Mostly you turn up and it's someone in a chair go right there, join Bob, Rob Beckett. So Rob, how did you get the idea? I just assumed that's what it would be with kids watching right? An hour before it's 730 in the morning and I'm hotel around the corner, I get the text from the publisher, right? So how's it gonna work this morning? You'll do your 60 minutes. Fuck.

No, afterwards is a Q and A. And I went 60 minute, what? You went six, whatever you normally do, just a talk and some jokes. Fuck that. And I was like, I'd cancel straight away. We thought of a game like matching teachers to the types of pets they had. Cause I knew that would be fun, but what I wasn't prepared for, I don't know if this is too comedy, this story, but I think parents will relate is when you stand up and everyone is age six to

11, they got nothing in common. So six year olds want what type of thought and 11 year old is it so like do some observation, but you can't entertain all of those. It was slightly easier for me because I had facts. If I was just promoting funny wizards, I could have done a reading, but then I can't really talk about wizards. Whereas I can go, right, who's got a dog?

What happened to your pet? And I just sort of blagged it like that. So did you do a lot of what, to not to be too in with comedians, do you do a lot of crowd work? It was mostly, tell me about your pets, who's got a dog? And then what do you think is the most energetic work? It was mostly, tell me about your pets, who's got a dog? And then what do you think's the most energetic breed?

And then I would do, eventually I found what made everyone laugh, which was doing impressions of the different dog breeds. Fucking great. I did the difference between the... Oh God. That was the third one. The third one. This is the difference between you and me, Russell.

If someone said to me, what will work will be doing impressions of dogs to six year olds and 11 year olds I'd go, physically that is the worst thing that could happen in my life. Well I can shit on the floor, I'm so scared I can nail that. If you stopped me in the street and said there's two school here, Russell's in there going through this book about dogs and cats and Josh is doing it. Pretending Josh had written the book as well, not nice. I would think Russell would be fine. He'll like this, he'll see it as his big challenge.

He'll probably be doing impressions of that, he'll think up crowd rags, he'll come up with a game. He'll find it hard and it'll be a challenge but he'll almost love that. That's what happened. And I would immediately go and watch Josh die on his ass. Oh! There's no reflection in the comic, Josh. You're an incredible comic. But this kind of thing would be your nightmare. I don't take any offense at that.

I do not take... What would you do, Josh, do you think? An hour! You've written this book. Just Q&A, the best thing to do is like, what's the funniest thing, what's the weirdest thing that's ever happened? Yeah, I'd definitely go in and what dog have you got?

Yeah, okay. And then I'd relate it back to the book, which I haven't read yet I I I would do Yeah, I I I I Guy I would I Do you know the first thing I do is I'd say I feel we're getting a snapshot of it now Yeah, exactly. I feel like this is a five minute preview. I'd say often I feel like kids lose attention for now.

So let's keep it to 45. That would be the first thing I'd say. Does anyone ever have crushing doubt in the darkness? Anyone? OK. Do you know what? Well, since I've stopped drinking, I'm off my tits on cowpox.

I do what I do with corporates, Rob. I choose someone in the front row, and I go in hard to make myself feel big and get everyone to turn on them, sacrifice an eight year old. Oh, that's tough gigs. They love, so games was the answer. I had one where you had to, I sort of had Taylor Swift. Now, which breed would you match her to?

She's got a Scottish Foldcat. So I turned and from there I talked about pets, but they loved hearing about the difference intelligence levels of dogs. So the border collie is sort of like, um, I just want to work, mate. Do you want to treat, keep you track? I'm just happy to be working. Do you want me to sit? Do you want me to fetch? So good bro. Like what do you want? And they, and I would do the border call out, got the shelf up and then the pub going, if you give me a treat, I might poo in the hallway instead of the lounge. That's as far as I'm going. Sorry mate. I ain't doing nothing. To teach a dog,

you measure a dog's intelligence by the number of repetitions required to teach that breed a new trick. That's how they measure it. Right. And a border collie is once or twice, bang, sick. Got it bro. Bang, pirouette. Yeah. Bang, pas de doble. Well, then I was doing the pug going, just, just say it again. Say it again. Just say it again. And they were crying and laughing. So I found that joke that Stuart lead that joke that Stuart Lee took it on for ages. Just do it again. Trying to fill the hour. Of all the comedians that helped me, Stuart Lee's use of repetition.

I'm sure Stuart will be delighted that his comedy is what held me through gigs to six year olds. So are you saying that Stuart Lee's audience are essentially a bunch of pugs? That's what we're looking at here. I would just say that the use of mindless repetition helped me out. Whippets are in here, mate. They're in here. I've got two, but one is way more intelligent than the other. I think you get that with certain dogs are just like thick.

Do you know what I mean? Like, of course, of course, each dog is individual and in the book. And when I'm speaking to the children, because really, okay, this book's fun, but the secondary use of it is in the name selector, there's so many cats and dogs rehomed because well, eight people don't realize cats have different personalities per breed anyway. So they're going by a Siamese or a Burmese and it tears the house to pieces because they need the emotional attention of a dog. So if you don't select the correct breed that matches to your family, you will rehome it or you'll have a depressed pet. So

it's got a kind of an activism type element to it as well in that it'll help people choose the right pets. But if you're going to choose your Whippet puppy from a litter, you must also make sure that you choose the right dog or if you're rehoming a dog from an adoption center. Don't just go in for the friendliest or the loudest or the one that looks the most vulnerable shivering in the corner because both of those have got challenges that you might not have time to solve. The dog to choose if you're going to a reputable breeder is the medium temperament dog and no one ever looks at the medium temperament dog.

They go, oh, that one ran, it bounded towards me, jumped off the curtains and jumped onto my shoulder. It's a sign. Well, you're going to need to put the work in to bring that one down a peg or two or about the one cowering scared of its own shadow That's potentially a vicious dog that could fear by it in the future. Yeah, you need to build that dog up. That's me That's the me of job dogs. It's like But what you want is the dog if you're're watching puppies, basically there's six puppies. The third one to start feeding, that's your guy or girl. Straight down the middle, not high, not low.

That's going to provide the least challenges. Intelligence obviously is a roll of the dice. Yeah, of course, on the different breed. Obviously. How old's your dog? You've had your dog for ages, haven't you? Well, I've got one pug called Colin who's nearly 13, who's blind, death and arthritic and now shites when he coughs up

I need a word for it You know cuz we got shot, but what is a coffin shit? Shoff he goes and the turd fires out. It's 13 quite old for a park isn't it? I fucking I it's like, you know, one of those Russian ballistic missiles from an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie Ballistic missiles from Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. They went, whoo! Ow! Whoo! And then I've got two chihuahuas as well, Brian and Marty.

They're brothers, they're both one. And cats. Yeah, and I've got three cats, a Devon Rex, a Ragdoll and a Burmese. Wow. And how's your daughter get on with them all? She loved them all, she was right with the animals. She's as animal mad as me. Really?

We take it really seriously. You can imagine my attitude to dog training, given my attitude to child training is research to death. But I've got six pets with basically the same temperament. All three cats, all three dogs, they all click a train. If I click, they all come in, they all sit, they all give paw and then all their behaviors bang on. What's the last thing you did that you did research? Like you just went, I'm just going to get that. Because you are like, minute detail. Children's assembly. Yeah.

The kids assembly. You didn't do research. What is the last thing you've kind of gone in unprepared for? Yeah, is there any sort of thing in your life that is not sort of organized and ready to go? Yeah, I'll tell you what I'm bad on is, so for after this, I'm going to a recording. So it's obviously in person.

It's at Spotify and there was, do you need a research core? Are you happy to look at the pack? And I've not opened it. I will open that on the walk there. And I know that's unprofessional and terrible, but just like you too, I've got to the point now where I open my laptop on the day and just try to survive. Yeah. Like, you know, you're Jimmy cars and all that.

Like they'd have like two laptops going probes coming out their neck and preparing days and days in advance. So I am weirdly and the thing that's most important to be creatively my comedy and doing things like this, I do blag it, but I'm not sure if that's because I have a better time with adrenaline. If I'm slightly unprepared. I think that's different. I think that's creativity. I think that's different. That's creativity.

I think that's a creative thing, yeah. Because like, you think fast, you're quick off the cuff, you're not someone that needs to be... Obviously, I've seen your shows and stuff and in my head, I'm presuming that you're kind of enjoying it and you're performing it and it's not exactly beat for beat, word for word, the same every night. No, God knows. Like you're kind of... No, no're performing it it's not exactly beat for beat word for word the same every night yeah like you're kind of no it's very different every night you're living it and so that's part of it right that's part of what makes you good so in a way i have a spy in like all comics but my spines probably 50 minutes long but i do 80 minutes most nights yeah last night i did 65 because i had to for various technical reasons and it wasn't like oh what am I gonna cut I did all of the jokes how is that possible in 65 yeah you have space to play with no no I'm thinking more just

like you know if you're like buying a car or trying to find a mortgage are you across all of it yeah I remember when Lindsay was pregnant I had like five breast pumps on comparative analysis on how like this one's the PSI of milk extraction versus this one's got a ready storage pouch. Cause I was so determined to be involved and I wanted to, I took five months of work and I wanted to be equally involved. But then I'm down the rabbit hole of researching breast pumps for five hours. Same with cars. Yeah. I will obsess people probably call it ADHD, but I obsess

over details and research things to death when it's technical things or if we're going on holiday I'm in the group of people that suck the fun out of the holiday on TripAdvisor before we've left the house. Oh really? Lindsay will go, oh I wonder what's in that part of the hotel? I'll go that is the gym and library. And then the media center. I did the virtual tour online. Menus before restaurants. Do you do that? All of it.

Yeah, I do that. Because that's a veggie thing. Well, mine's coming from a mixed economic background thing. So obviously I'm fucking way to stand up and a lot of my friends and family have got fuck all. So I have to go on and check the price of starters And main courses so normally end up. No, I'll pay for the whole thing really nice one Russ mine was made it So I do read the menus for but you enjoy that always is it exhausting do you find joy in it Or is it for like if you didn't do that you'd beat yourself up for not getting the best breast bump or not going to the

Better best place. It's more that you're worried about beat yourself up for not getting the best breast bump or not going to the bestest best place. It's more that you're worried about being. I think it's the latter, although. So, like, obviously, I'm on tour. My tour finishes in December 25. I got my tour manager. I couldn't be happier. All right. He's so good.

I do trust Murray implicitly, but I do all my own hotels and all my own travel. He's managing them. What do you mean? Are you physically booking it on your debit card? I have to. Yes, I have to. Why? I've tried because I am like clearly a high energy person. One of the prices you pay for that is to be boiling hot your whole life even in winter. I'm permanently boiling hot,

right? And I have to have air con at night cold even in December and January I'm like a vampire, you know with like a thin sheet duvet and icy death breath and no pillow And what it is if we turn up and someone else has booked it good. Oh, sorry, mate I forgot to do the air con. I have to be a can we drop the big swear word? Yeah I don't like being a 21. Yeah, I don't want a reputation for being horrible and I don't like speaking rudely to anyone. I've really tried to be polite at all times. But if you f*** me up so that I'm boiling at night, it's the only time I cannot control my temper. I've got a phobia of being hot.

And you're not going to sleep. Right. So when I turned up last night and the aircon was broken, which it always is because I'm cursed by Satan's fork to be boiled to death. The only person I'm angry with is myself. Yes, right. And the hotel. Same with the travel. There wasn't an 1134 from Bacchusfield. Go online. Yes, there was. You just didn't search for that and you didn't do the grid. I don't want to be speaking to people like that. So I just do my own trains and travel because I know it will be correct. Control freak basically yeah everything else Murray don't even do sound checks anymore I turn up at 7.50 if the sounds good for Murray

it's good for them oh because when I see your toolspot your sound checks used to be long yeah but quite intense once I've got a tour manager that knows what I like sound and vision I'm like well you are me I'm gonna get some more time at home then great oh that's really good cuz we should go on that tour that's a few years ago now and stuff and like obviously you're not happy with your tour manager and stuff but like yeah that cuz you'd be there early and you would get it right and it did sound better cuz at the start I'll be like and then after 20 minutes I thought oh my god this sound is ten times better you know why that is though that's I don't know if this will be boring for

everyone else actually it's not. Translate this to whatever job you do, right? Whether you're a teacher, doctor, whatever, receptionist. There's certain things you can't control if your boss is going to turn up as a twat, if you're going to have a bad customer. But the technical things you can control. How do I sound? How am I lit?

Where do I sit? What time am I going to turn up to work this week? What's my day off going to be? You can plan all of those things. If you tune out and tune in the things you can control to the highest degree, then the things you can't control when they go wrong are landing on things that are better prepared. So that's why I obsess over the technical, not because I'm like a loser. I can hear the wrong decibel.

It's like, well, at least if some drunk twat takes to the stage, as happened the other week, all I've got to worry about is that situation. I'm not also got on top of that sound that can't be heard or in an area where I'm in darkness. Did someone come on stage? I walked out at the start of a show in the blackout when I went, ladies and gentlemen, that's when the person invaded the stage at the top I'll tell you about the episode of parent in hell where you were talking about sleep So what time do you arrive at so you get a call past 7 now? Is that to have a quick gun stage before the doors open? No like last night

I turned up at 10 to 8 at Stafford. Bloody hell. Got a walk in at 7.45 I will show if you got a tour support as well My tour manager is my lights and sound and Stafford was 30 minutes from where I live. So to be on tour and still be with your family at seven o'clock, it's such a little... You feel all naughty, like your tummy goes all funny. You're like, oh God, I'm on in an hour, but I'm still at home.

It doesn't happen very often, but it feels great when you do it. Cause I know it feels a bit self-involved cause we're all comedians and stuff like that. But the podcast is about parenting. That's what we're chatting about. But like, that is the hardest thing in our job. Well, we have a wonderful job.

We're very privileged to do something we love and it's great. But the social life is killed, especially, you know, who wants to go out for dinner with another couple? I'm like, well, I'm working every Saturday for a year and a half now. Or like, oh, where are you dad? I'm away again, I'm away again. Won't you be here when I get back from school?

It's hard. And like finding ways where, like you say, if you've got a tour support and you're confident in your tour manager, there's something I'm really having to think about with this big tour coming up is at the moment I'm going to do like two 40 minute sets with no tour support, but you do sort of think, well, if I do have a tour support, I can get there at-

You're mental Rob. Half eight. You're mental, I did one tour like that, I'll never do it again, never. Because I suppose it's worse to me because I, as Josh pointed out, I improvised so much. But what was happening was I was doing an hour in the first half by the end of it and an hour in the second half where you start doing- Yeah, to warm them up and it's exhausting trying to get them going if they're dead.

Do you know what I mean? But I'm just trying to work out the best way to do it, you know? But the other thing is I use trains now, so the tour manager will go ahead. If you're travelling out of London, which I am, for at least three of them a week, and say I've got, I don't know, playing Swindon Wyvern theatre. I've got that coming up. Murray's like, right, we need to leave London by two. I'm like, why don't you do the soundcheck? And then I'm on the 6pm truck.

Yeah. Yeah. Rocking up at 7.30. I can go watch a film or if I've got mint. Love the train. I love it. Love it. I love it.

I love it. Rob hates the train. No, I'd like to say though, going forward, like I have been getting the train. You get more time at home. Rob hates the train. No, I like you say though, going forward, like I have been getting the train. You get more time at home. You can. Yeah. I went to I did a gig in Chippenawton and it's an hour to like a village. It's 10 minutes away from Chippenawton. So I left London at five.

I would have had to leave like Bromley and I was in town doing stuff anyway. I'd have to leave Bromley at three o'clock or something. You know what I mean? It's ridiculous. No, but the amount we missed on Saturday was my best friend's birthday. A surprise birthday party and everyone had gathered except me. So it was a big surprise birthday for me. We've been friends since we were eight.

We met at swimming lessons when we were eight. He's my closest friend. We go to Ibiza together. We've done everything together. We've grown up together and I was doing a gig. It was a great gig, but I missed everything. And the way it's booked in now, it's so far in advance. People aren't booking their birthdays for 18 months time. They're going, oh, in four months I missed everything. Yeah. And the way it's booked in now, it's so far in advance. People aren't booking their birthdays for 80 months time.

They're going, oh, in four months, I'm having a birthday. But sometimes your friends, because they'll want you there because you're the best friend and sometimes it comes down to, oh, it'd be fun to have a comedian guy there. You know, a bit of that goes on with your mates sometimes. But you can't really say, oh, I'm going to dictate the whole diary for everyone. Yeah. Yeah. And because we do festival, festival, festival all the time, I love them. I love Reading Leeds, Glastonbury, I'm a natural for festival because of the, I'm going to dictate the whole diary for everyone. Yeah. Yeah. And because we do festival, festival, festival, I love them. I love Reading Leeds, Glastonbury.

I'm a natural for festival because of the way I move and everything. I said yes. And then I had horrific travel issues on the day. My first job finished late, missed my train. And I'm like, oh shit, I'm going to be arriving 10 minutes from on stage. So my tour manager said, right, do you want to go to the hotel room first? I went, hotel room. It's a festival.

How far is the hotel going to be from the festivals? I went, no, no, it's the festivals at the hotel. I'm like, you what? The cogs are starting to turn. And then when I got there, it was like, it's in the hotel. There's two sittings after we fed them. Fed them. And she went, yeah.

And so the guy at the front of it, okay, welcome. I'm the manager of Warner hotels. And I'm like, that's where my granddad goes on holiday. In the same week as I gigged for the first time to six year olds, I gigged the whole audience was apart from one whippersnapper who was 49 was 70 plus. No, I had to do two sets. Oh my word, like doing a cruise. You know, there was proper like, my name's Jeff.

Yeah. I'm not mobile, but I've still got a sense of Cuba. So I just thought, well, this will be easy because you can't offend this age group. I just went out, but I didn't put enough structure in my foot. They needed good evening. My name's Russell. What can I tell you about me? They needed it more like that. Not kind of what's this light?

What does this light mean? Look at this mic lead. And I went off a bit like I would normally do improvising and they were like, who the fuck is this guy? But once I got him it was amazing. The older generation do need you to go out and stand up because the old way of stand up used to be hello I'm Rob and then you'd do a joke about what you are, where you're from, what your thing is, what you look like facially and then you can get into some other stuff.

Bloody hell. Yeah, so that was when I should have been in response to missing everything when I should have been in my mate's 50th. I've done two sets to but it was a lovely show and they were lovely people. But you sort of think, what am I doing with my life here? I know I'm living this blessed privilege existence doing my hobby for a living. But what is the purpose of life? Is it just to earn as much money as possible and do your hobby for a living? Or is it to earn a lot less money and hang out with your friends and family? And you have those moments where you go, what is actually going on here?

Am I just an eager maniac that's got addicted to this stupid? I know I love it and I know the audience love it, but yeah, in 50 years time, we're going to be gone, we're going to be dust. How do I want to be remembered by my grandchildren as someone that was always on the road or as he could have gone to America, but he didn't. He loved us so much. Where's that balance? And it's something that plays with my mind the whole time. It probably does with everyone, people that are head teachers or paramedics, doctors, they probably all have the same thoughts, but you do sort of get to a point where you think, who's it for? Is it for you and your tiny counselor state ego that you'll never recover from? You know, what's the reason for this?

Leave me out of it. You do ask those questions. No, but don't you ask yourself those questions, Rob. Totally. And it's a constant battle of making the most of opportunities, making sure money comes in. And we do have a very privileged life, but it's very freelance. And now you see certain colleagues of ours that will be on something and a bad news story comes out and they don't work for three years You know, but you can always get baptized and that cancels it

Who's eight mine are the same with a bit like well dad, why are you going out? Oh, so get work go to work and get money. But then you're like, well, actually, there is an argument that I could potentially still earn enough without ever doing stand-up or touring and just doing other things that would mean I'm at home. But then if I'm doing filming, then I'm away. And then it's a constant balance of trying to be at home enough and see him.

But that's the thing for children. Children are, the reality is they are happy with a caravan holiday is they are happy with a caravan holiday they are happy if they've got their own bedroom and you're in a two-bedroom flat with two sticks with children adapt what they want is us and that's what breaks your heart every time you wave and go on the road he's like have I fucked the balance up here and the other thing that I wasn't prepared for both here is once a child gets to six seven eight they need you more I thought it was more important for me to be at home when it was a baby.

And he ends it there. But no, no, no. Between six and 12, I really do think they're the important, really, really important years emotionally. Yeah. So that does me add in as well. But you've got a book to promote. So let's end on the hat.

So that's that. Oh, love comedies. Yeah, but I take, I take the two hours on the hat. Select that. Select that. Oh, love comedy. I take the chihuahuas on the road with me. I do. I take them all the time. I take my chihuahua on the road with me. But they're really well hung chihuahuas. It's really embarrassing. Oh, really?

Yeah, because they go, oh, your dog's really cute. He rolls over and they're like, fucking hell. Really? A big cock on a dog is funny, isn't it? I know, I know. My whippies got a tiny dick. There you go. We got there in the besides my penis. A big cock on a dog is funny, isn't it? I know, I know. My whippies got a tiny dick. There you go, we got there in the end. Rob's yogurt and cock on a dog.

All that self-reflection and worry. And before you know it, back on Dog Cocks. Russ, good luck with the book. It's been an absolute joy. Pat Selecta, are you on tour? Yeah, only till December 25th. That's our small mymorbidges. Oh, there we go, Russell.

What's the tour called? And how can they buy tickets? It's called Hyperactive funnily enough. Oh yeah? That feels about right. Yeah, just go to russellcain.co.uk and then there's tickets for next year. This year's ones are busy. I think there's ones left in the ones where there's always like Skegness Embassy. There's probably 100 at the top or Middlesbrough Town Hall. I find that sometimes where you have empty ones and you go, oh I can't shift them there. And they go, yeah no the locals don't like that.

It's a bit too steep or the angles wrong. You just feel like, oh, they just hate me and scared me. I'm adding extra, extra ones like on the popular ones like Southend and Manchester and stuff. So yeah, just go to russellcain.co.uk and you can see what remains of me next year. Cheers Russ, thanks so much mate. Good to see you, or catch me in an assembly soon. Thanks mate. Russell Cain everyone. Thanks so much mate. Good to see you. Or catch me in an assembly soon. Thanks mate. Yeah.

Russell Kane everyone. I enjoyed that. Full of info. I loved the dark bit at the end. That was great. It all got quite dark at the end. I loved the book. It got really dark at the end. Assembly and we got some parenting tips.

I've just got work out jobs. And I've not really done it properly. How I'm going to manage to be a dad and tour the country. So, the good thing is you can come back, if you're not there the next night, you can come back and get home at 2 a.m. from almost anywhere. Do you know what it is?

My head goes, you can either be a terrible dad and your kids will hate you and be a good comic, or you can completely prioritize a kid and you'll turn up and you'll be a bad comic and it'll be a load of shit and then it'll all go to pot. But that's just not the way it works. I know, I know, but I need to try and work out do I get a tour support? Do I get a bit of that? Do I do 240 minutes?

How do I do it? I've got a really funny show Josh and I know it works, I need to sort the logistics of life out with it. I don't think a tour support and leaving an hour later is gonna make your children have a different view of you, Rob. You can do the drop off in the morning. Yeah. You're gonna have to leave at four anyway.

Yeah. Realistically. And then if I had a tour spot then I could just bang out an hour. What you don't wanna do though, Rob, every night is be feeling like you're racing to the venue. Because if I get there and watch a bit of the opening that's fine but then if I miss the opening because I'm delayed then I can just go on and just smash out a brilliant

hour from a happy man that's spending time with his kids but also... Do what you want. ...being super funny. Do what you want. Oh God. 20 minutes? Can I do 20 minutes at 3pm? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you can do what you want. I reckon you could tour 3pm's during the week, during the non-holidays,

get it down to the absolute hardcore. Yeah. And they'd go, why are you taking a holiday from work today? I'm going to see Rob Beckett. And they're not 3pm because that clash was a school run, so like midday. No, no, no. It's 11am, right? Yeah. At a theatre near me, 150 quid a ticket, hard cause only.

So is this Noel Gallagher on the phone to his agent? Oh God. Alright then, Josh, I'll see you next time. See you next time. Hello, I'm Giles Brandreth. What's the very first thing you remember? That's the question I'll be asking my famous and fascinating guests in Rosebud, my new podcast about first memories and first experiences. My first memory is handing my Auntie Muriel a piece of turd.

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