Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - 9th Of All

Episode Date: March 21, 2013

Robert is joined by Yannis Pappas, Joe List, Phil Hanley and Kelly Fastuca.    RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hoy es un día de eso de no saber cómo va a acabar el día. Donde nadie pregunta a dónde viene, sino por qué no te viene. Y una ronda es el tiempo que pasa entre no conocernos, y no creer olvidarnos. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos vía. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos encuentra. Maú, la vida es más vida cuando nos encontramos. Encuentra los bares de Madrid la dicción especial de Madrid nos liga. Un dominaje de Mao, a Madrid.

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Descarga ya la aplicación en todos tus dispositivos. Pluto TV, ven a verlos sin pagar nunca. You have all your devices. Plus, TV, come and watch it without paying attention. I was bringing new guys on, I was at the guys that are on the show, introducing a new guys, because I like when new comics, I don't know, come on the show. Sometimes, I think they hear the reputation of the show. Or, I don't know, we bust balls, but we do bust balls, but here's the thing, we're all't know, you know, like we bus balls and we do bus balls, but here's the thing. We're all friends, you know, we fuck around, but you know, that's not all the shows about, I would imagine. We do talk about shit and we're funny and we have a good time. It's not in

ever in a mean way and it's never overdone, I think. I would never want to hurt one of my friends' feelings. I don't give a fuck. So, anyways, I think sometimes people come in and they have this perception of the show and almost like it's O and A or something, but it's not. We're much sillier than that in Goofier. here. And we had John's Popus, who I love, and Joe Lest, who I adore, Kelly Fistuka, who I would finger pop, and then this comic Phil Hanley, who came in and kind of went at me right out of the gate, and I kind of of protected myself one at him snapped at him and then but uh he actually why he's a funny funny guy. Phil Hanley is a very funny guy and I liked him a lot

and you know I think Joe gave him a pep talk before the show or something. You got to go right at him kid something like that, but this is an interesting show interesting podcast With the new member of the YK WD comic family fill Hamley so enjoy it night of all And as always make sure you go to the show and support our sponsors. That's how you support us. Amazon.com, GameFly.com, and Tweak.io. Tweak.io is one of our new sponsors and they're killing it for us. We love it. You guys are buying a lot of headphones.

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to give away as gifts, a lot of birthdays coming up and Headphones are great Mike non-might. I don't know why you'd get non-might. Just get mic'd So you can use it with your phone. It's all you're using an MP3 player or you're fucking idiot but tweet.io.com 33% off use the code word dude and guess what free shipping and off, use the code word dude, and guess what free shipping and a limited lifetime warranty whatever the fuck that means. TweetW.com, go to Gamefly.com slash YKWD join up for two weeks of free membership.

It's almost a $20 value and you get games shipped to your house. It's the Netflix of video games and if you're buying anything that are of Amazon tech anything close bags shoes food about even go to ryecast.com the ykwd page we have a Amazon link there use that link and you support us we get money from every purchase that you use so if you want to support the show those three ways to support the show by supporting our sponsors. Thanks for listening. Enjoy this Motherfuckers. Hey gang, this is Colin Quinn. This is Jim Norton. This is Dennis Leary. This is Opie from a lot of things.

This is Bert Chrysler. Staying cooking, you are listening to Robert Kelly's. You know what dude? You know what dude? You are listening to Robert Kelly's you know what dude you know what we need? Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,. This is, um, due to do. What's up, man? Yon has poppies in the hands. What's up, we on? We're on, man. Oh, man. I like the way you start. Natural. It's almost like the people who listen is just walking in the door. Well, you know what I hate is when you do a show and save it for the radio. And then don't have me on. Bring me on when the radio's on. You know what I mean? Yeah. Anyway, it's hang on one second. You can talk it.

Yeah, no. I'm just enjoying the new studio, dude. This probably looks very good in photos now. Well, and I am honored to be up there twice in two different situations. You are up there twice. I'm maybe the only guy up there who's up there twice. What? There's soda. S You are up there twice. Maybe the only guy up there who's up there twice. What? No.

There's Soda. Soda's up there twice. Kelly's up there twice. He's up there three times, four times. All right. I'm actually up there twice. You're right. Well, it's your show.

As a three times. As I should be. Yeah, as you should be. Well, Kelly's down there in the corner. She got her own one. This is like, looks like one of the, remember 9-11 everyone was putting up their posters, pictures of loved ones. That's what this looks like.

Not really. Not really. Like a fence over on the East Village. Yeah, you remember everyone they put up like just there was this pictures everywhere. Yeah. Contactive Lost. This has the same format. I don't know what I'm saying but it's horrible. Well here it is dude. Not your complimenting my fucking new, the new some fans don't hate, Heather Graves is one of them and we take that money and we put it back into the studio. And I figured, you know, Rob Spranse does his show here now too. So we have different things to make it look like a different studio. So

it's not, it's the riot cast studio. Not that everybody from riot cast can tape here. We don't want that. Right. No, I'm kidding. Well, I'm not really, I don't want all those people here, but me and Rob do it here. But we were talking about who, Dan Soda. Dan Soda, doing good for himself. Yeah, which I wanted to end. Here's it.

Look, man, here's a deal. You know what? So wait, that's kind of weird. You help him and now that he's doing good. I've done everything I could for him. You want him to come back I think like pick mail. What was that story of like the guy pick Malian? He carves her or whatever and he he mentors her and then she leaves them. That's what happens. You mean Pinocchio?

Is that Pinocchio? I have no idea. I think it's pick Malian. I would say Pinocchio is the same scenario. He lies. No He maged a little kid and then he left. Oh, is that what happened? Not the same thing, all right. Well, I don't know, dude. So you think you made him, you made him. No, well, I think I... Definitely get him a lot of exposure. A lot of people made him.

Yeah. And then you know, I think like, look man, when people, let me, this is the deal. When everybody likes you, I don't trust you. I know people don't like you, Janice. Yeah. There's a lot of people that don't like you. And that makes you trust you. I know people don't like you, Janice. Yeah. There's a lot of people that don't like you. And that makes you trust me.

And that makes me trust you because I know you're genuine. I know that you're not catering to anybody. You're not sitting there going, I want everybody to like me because I want what I want. You're going, I'll get what I get. I want what I want, but I ain't getting it that way. I'm getting it my fucking way. Like me, the fuck or not.

I'm a nice guy, but there's people who don't like me. There's people that listen to the show that don't like me. You know what I mean? But it doesn't stop me. This is my fucking show. I do what I want to do. You know what I mean? No, yeah.

And I hear what you say. Yeah, so it's, people, you hang on. Is that me, I'm sorry about that. It's not you. Yeah, it is you. Cock seller. Um, so people who, yeah, people, I don't look, I don't trust people who everybody,

who never have people, because those are serial killers. Yeah. I'm not saying dance is serial killer, but he's close. Maybe, yeah. This is what I knew. Ha, ha, ha, ha. This is when I knew Dan was a fucking psycho, right get that the door how we can do this the door is ringing

fucking Kelly Hang on just give me one second I know Kelly I Kelly's back. We're back now here. I've developed this thing Oh, I had to go answer the door. We paused it for a second. Um, Yannis is iPhone 4 Boo I had to go answer the door we paused it for a second Yannis's iPhone 4 Boo I'm waiting for my contract to be waiting for my contract to be a fucking Yeah, well, no, I mean you know, it's like 600 hours about the contract walking and in character

Get some tape to use your fame you fucking asshole Hello, can I get the new iPhone? What was your dude's tweet out of it, Miami, and I need a new fucking iPhone. I'll suck your dick, and then they'll fucking, I work at the 18th take, come in, I'm fucking. I didn't think of that. Oh, you're famed. Look, what else do we use the little fame that we have?

I have very little fame. To get stuff. I'm not gonna be able to get anything. But I've developed this thing, your phone fell off, it was vibrating, I put it over here, it fell off, and I developed this thing over the years. It's a crazy technique.

When I drop anything, my foot kicks out, I kick it. It's amazing. So I've dropped hundreds of phones, and I've kicked them. Cartoon when you flip. And you break the fall. So it's coming down, and then it, vertical. Cartoon money foot and you break the fall. So it's coming down and then it, uh, uh,

uh, vertical. Yeah. And then I kick it and then it's a horizontal. Yeah, boom, horizontal. Yeah. And then it's gonna be a good technique for your baby. That's coming up, man. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, Yeah, it's like you know, I'm not saying is this one I knew

Dan scared me because he's always hey, what's up, buddy? Hi, buddy. First of all, that's from big J big J So he always a hey body. He always does that. No, that's a dance soda thing big J didn't I go that's dance thing He goes now. That's my thing Dan took it from me. He's got no who is Dan so to hang on and then there's more. I say hey buddy I always smile. Hey smile smile smile. Hey yeah I'm a nice guy. And then I saw one night some lady through a fucking piece of chocolate animal on stage drunk white broad and he got so mad out front he got all blotchy and he was like fuck you. I'll say he got angry and I saw the angry Dan and I was like, oh yeah That's the real boy. Yeah with a real Dan soda. Please stand up. Let's make it LA. Oh yeah

Feel it Say what you guys want to sit. Hey, buddy. How are you? Nice to meet you? We're already going This is the good news. I'm It shows about to go downhill listen to the fuck Yeah, look we were talking about Dan soda and I could not fucking I had to record it I'm so everybody loves Dan. How about it for Janus taking the leaving 70% of the couch Unaccessible. Let's give it up for you for being so thin that you can sneak by him without even touching him I'm sure you want to yeah, you're gonna get by was two seats right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah I have um, can I fucking goodbye you going over here? Why don't you sit over there?

I want to be on the coach. I don't want to take All right, is dad's dead the whole Can you slip by there you go I'm good to see you do consider it can you be I? Good to see you Joe consider it can you be I am I Wish I could say the same so I put your headphones on let's get into the shut the phones off We're talking that phones on is Dan Soder associate though. Yeah, let me see that's why I love Joe He's a fucking lunatic out of the gate. He's nice. He's crazy. He's fucking. He's just Joe. Yeah people don't like Joe This people that Nobody dislikes Joe list. Nobody know some colored people that don't

Nobody dislikes Joe list. Nobody. No, some colored people that don't do it. I just thought anyone who doesn't like Joe list. I wonder why. We were talking about Dan Soda, and everybody I was saying, I want to see the fall. He's always on is what you say. He's always on.

He's always performing. I just want to see the fall. I want to see it. I want to be there for it. I want to see him looking back up at all of us going, guys, can I come home and we go, yeah, come on home. Come in, take a nap. It's safe on the couch.

You can have your own room back then. Go ahead, get your own room back. We've never changed it. Yeah, with photos of the macho man and Indian. Photo man. Yeah, the photo man. You've been around for a while. Isn't it, isn't he just on a high ride

and doesn't it come back down? Isn't it a roller coaster, this business? I don't think so, man. I know certain guys that don't come back down. Isn't it a roller coaster this business? I don't think so, man. And there's certain guys that don't come back down for years. It's a slow and steady. It's just up, up, up, up, up, up. Something happened, up, up, up, up.

The only thing we can hold for is that he can't, that first 25 that he wrote wasn't his. Somebody get, like Joe Lisk gave it to him. Joe sat down and go, all right, kid, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna. I'm gonna Better writer than that. Oh my god Whoo thanks for laughing off Mike's why just like a piece of shit now Boy talk about great comics look how handsome he is I don't he's very handsome Yeah, it's a little embarrassing. It's the sweater. I'm doing a shinloos list podcast.

I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. Yeah, my grandparents are survivors. I don't care. That's not my fault. I couldn't get out quick enough. I don't even get the shinloos list reference.

He's a very thin in the cardigan. It's a very, I got you. It looks like the pianist. Yeah, I got you. Another pianist, you could fucking actually make it less funnier Less funnier Excellent English, but thank you less funnier. I yeah, well, I don't even know you so can we introduce? Phil Hanley fin Phil Hanley. Yeah, we from I'm from Vancouver

Thank you. Oh one of my favorite places on the planet earth? It is you ever been I have never been a vancouver It's it's fucking beautiful. I heard it's good. I heard it's gorgeous. It is. It's unbelievable a lot of great comics come on They film a lot of our TV and movies up there. Yep a lot of TV our Battlestar Galactica. Oh that was a gem Film didn't vancouver between Battlestar Galactica and Phil they don was a gem film. Didn't vancouver between battle stock a lacticon filled They don't have much of a resume here. I don't know galactica was a fucking great show Yeah, it's a great comic. Oh, thank you. Yeah, I like I like to put my neck out for somebody and then as soon as I sit down Tell you they suck. Yeah, that's how I wish we did that with Dan This is eating you up, dude. His success is eating you up. It's no, it's not eating me up

It's that he is he consuming like therapy sessions now are you like this no no not yet no it's not dain why is he so successful uh... no it's um... one thing to i just want to say to you guys uh... i really need to say it to you guys actually i was gonna give i get a little speech before the show not to talk over each other, but you guys don't do that.

It's Lewis, Jay, and Dan literally, just blah, blah, blah, blah, everybody, and I'm getting a lot of complaints about the talk, but you guys don't do that, so I'm not gonna even give you the pep talk, even though I kinda did in a weird way, tell you not to do that. Yeah, and I appreciate you winking at me.

Do you not do that? You don't do that. You don't do that. You don't do that. You know and I appreciate you winking at me. Do you not do? You don't do that. You don't do that. You don't do that. You don't do that. You don't do that. You don't do that. You don't do that.

You don't do that. You don't do that. You don't do that. You don't do that. You don't do that. You don't do that. You don't do that. He's the one that does it.

He's the one that does it. He's the one that does it. He's the one that does it. He's the one that does it. He's the one that does it. He's the one that does it. He's the one that does it. He's the one that does it. He's the one that does it. He's the one that does it. He's the one that does it. He's the one that does it. He's the one that does it. He's the one that does it. He's the one that does it. He's the one that does it. He's the one that does it. He's the one that does it. He's the one that does it. He's the one that does it. He's the one that does it. He's the one that does it. He's the one that does it. He's the one that does it. He's the one that does it. He's the one that does it. He's the one that does it. He's the one that does it. He's the one that does it. He's the I want to give me the glaze over I like that the attraction is back What you been doing honey? I lost a little weight Bobby known as

He didn't really anti-Semitic way It would offend most people just like people with class whatever but I did lose a little thank you You did I'm actually not looking at your mouth. I'm actually watching your atoms apple glove down You did I'm actually not looking at your mouth. I'm actually watching your atoms apple guava down Maybe wild since you see one of those. Yeah, no actually I Paid one a couple weeks ago Did you get with that what you just said? Yeah, it was a fat Joe. Yeah, okay

That was actually good. Yeah, the good ones I get okay. I'm a I'm a comic-tillion you fucking ass hall. Yeah, that was a fucking good fat. Yeah Speaking of which wisdom band in Oh, it's in the middle now. It's like we're starting in the middle usually you just pre-inherit it You've gotten a plenty of times don't kid you that's cuz I throw out a lot of jokes He doesn't make jokes. Yeah, you do you throw a lot of stuff in Dave wind swings and misses Yeah, we had we had a show Two to last week or whatever it was. Um, we had this civilian on.

And, uh, I forget, I forget that, you know, I just have you guys on and I, you know, you're a comic, I expect, you know, you walk in and just sit down and you get the vibe, you get the gist, you can, we can all talk, we can bus balls, we can go wherever the conversation goes, because that's what we do all the time. But civilians... Phil and I had a nine hour meeting before this. There you go.

Yeah, I was beautiful. Actually, I'm not tired. I didn't like the joke, but I liked his excitement, little smile, and his little feet started to wiggle when he thought of it, which I wasn't going to give him the bandana for it. So don't tie it, just put it on there. Yeah, it's okay. Just read it. So don't tie it, just put it on there. Yeah, it's okay, just writing the net, but... I forget that these civilians, like regular Joes,

come in here and first of all, they know all of us or they know two of us and they get fucked up real quick. This kid we had on Glenn, we'll call him Glenn. That's what he had to call him, and we had to change his name. He, I looked over at one point and he was glowing with sweat He literally went from a normal human being Glowing when these lights in here too. Just made it extra glowing just and I'm look

I'm like what the fuck and he's like I gotta go and he's like I gotta leave and he's left He's panic had an anxiety attack. Oh, you can't say who it was or? I can't, what, fuck him. What was he doing here? That would be bad for him. Danny, Danny, glad you were here. Yeah, what was he doing here? Why was he a guest? Who was he?

I invite, look, I like to invite different people on it. I don't like how the same as people. And sometimes I like to invite just people that maybe shouldn't be on like regular civilians and actor or friend or somebody. I wanna have a fan on somebody. A fan of the show just to come on. But I forget that we make this shit look easy,

just by talking, but he just sat there and then something happened where he just fucking lost it. Something happened was that we were watching porn together, watching Miss Delaware, sucking a dick. That's what happened. I think you got content. You got to clean it up, Jesus Christ. God. Performing Felizio. And I think you got the content. You need it up, Jesus Christ. You got it.

For forming finalecio. And he got a bit worried because he has a job that's very important with like benefits and stuff. Oh yeah, the high chicks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well that makes sense. That makes sense. By the way, I went back and watched the Miss Delaware at home

with the privacy male insurance. Some of the her feet. So did I. I couldn't get over the. How big are feet are? And she's like shak No, I know you I heard you say it, but I couldn't see I'm I've bad eyes and I went home It's bananas. It's like half the screen her feet are fucking

ginormous right and you you think they're not you keep looking at them and then as the video goes on you like Oh my fucking god bigger than the dude, she's sucking his dick. Bigger feet than him. Right, yeah. Long fingers and long hands as well. Yeah, what should it be? It makes me so sad because these interview porn's that they have where they'll talk to the girl

for a couple minutes like she's a human being. Like, so where are you from? Oh, and then it's up. And then it's me. It says, at the end, there's always that scene where she's on her knees and there's jizz on her face face And she's trying to keep one eye open because it burns and they still asking her questions And she's like yep, uh-huh. Yeah, all right and then all right go ahead wipe it off Okay, and then she just runs like I fucking hate myself. It's like you can tell I think that she wasn't like a tortured girl

I think she was just her she was mad at her dad like she didn't belong there and she's gonna regret it No looking she needed the money. Yeah, yeah, I think she was just her, she was mad at her dad. Like she didn't belong there and she's gonna regret it. No, look, she needed the money. Yeah. I think she needed, it was 1,500 bucks, which is not a lot of money to suck a dick on film. And in these days, you know, 20 years ago, you could suck a dick on film and it might never be seen. Yeah, now the internet, it's just boom.

Yeah, yeah, now it's just out there and that fucking second, it's out there for everybody. And for free, I remember I used to have a porno, the red tape. And the red tape? Right, exactly. I remember you couldn't find it. You had to hunt it down.

You couldn't just get it. It was like, it was like faces at death. Remember that? You could just grow. Yeah, it's great porn. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is he gonna do that and just point at every good joke that he likes? He's got his very funny. I know that's why I have him on. I'm friends with him too.

Okay, really stands out. I'm just put on this podcast, he really stands out. I know. I know. I get what you do. You throw dicks. We got it all tied to Whitney. You're smarter than everybody. I want you to grab a group and fuck each other. You're really getting in them.

You're better looking too. If you're like a five o'clock shadow at fucking 10 in the morning. You're really sitting in Dan's sodas chair, isn't he? Everybody loves fucking sitting hair. Yeah you. That works well for you, though. Yeah, it does. I gave up.

I'm honest about it. I'm not trying to part a fucking hairdo. I'm not having a hair. You guys got Insticemisters. Yeah, I'm not having a hair. I'm not having a hair. I'm not having a hair. I'm not having a hair.

I'm not having a hair. I'm not having a hair. I'm not having a hair. I'm not having a hair. I'm not having a hair. I'm not having a hair. I'm not having a him. I'm right here. I love the Joe's joke. I didn't know I liked it too. Okay, you just had a funny way of showing I laughed I didn't have to go Ha and point at him. Why don't we in vaudeville? It was funny. What do you a club manager from the 40s? Fuck up. I feel like Danny. I'm gonna go Okay, go ahead I'm gonna go

Okay, go ahead He's left you have to dry I'm here to make for off to the races I was just trying to make friends with everybody I got a Jake Johansson fucking 2013 on my show. Hey, I'm just here down in things that I Phil has been on Craig Ferguson, so let's give him a little bit of, oh shit, why didn't you say that? Twice. I apologize.

Apologize. Apologize. I didn't know that. Oh yeah, it was twice. Yeah, nice. Yeah, thank you. Thanks, you're honest. Joe, no problem, buddy.

I don't like to say sorry. I always have pleasure. Fuck you. It was his mic. I'm turning it down. Yeah, good. There you go. Now talk stupid.

Go do the nerdist. Yeah, good. There you go. Now talk stupid. Go do the nervous. Yeah, I think that this guy that was on the show, I feel bad. I felt because I'm not, I don't want anybody to lose their fucking job over this dumb podcast. And I, but I don't want anybody to feel like honest to God, I don't want somebody to have an anxiety attack either.

All you gotta do is say, look, I can't talk about this shit. We had the guy from the WWE on the week before, and we're talking about Will Sovins' huge cock. It's just, that's talking, showing it around. I don't give a fuck who you are. That's what comics talk about. We talk about cocks and farts and then stupid shit, you know what I mean? And Smellin' Kelly's sister's con when she came to America.

Yes, I think that Americans do. It's just a look, our sense of humor is a little darker than everybody else's. And I gotta start vetting these people before they come on and have Kelly say, look, we might be talking about a huge black cock and Australian pussy. So are you cool with that?

Are you cool? Here's the thing too, is I think if you don't talk about it and you're in the room, you don't get in trouble. Right? Yeah, I think he knows you fucked up a bit because when I spoke to him the next day, he was like, oh, I got home and I got high and we just kind of joked and laughed about it. And I was like, you fucking left in the middle of a show. He, when he turned to you and went, cut it, like you did the sign, cut it, cut it. And you were like, get the fuck out then. It's just a plastic. It reminds you though, like how much people can't say. You know, like we get so lost in the world that we just say whatever. Yannis, that's why people like, you can't see shit.

But why people shoot up, like go to their work and like, you know, shoot people, they work, because I can't express themselves. Yeah, and you're right about that. In post, we had a stream example, yeah. We had some strings to that, Yana's speech and post. I actually like it. You just don't, just don't know.

I was just scared up, buddy. I was gonna say something about Kelly, but she, I actually agree with her too. I only agree with Kelly because I was about to say something, but then you went, no, that's true. And I went, oh, if you, if Yana agrees, then I agree too. I'm with Janice always He's a job, with a job. Where can you say?

We say he worked for a big multi social media and it's blue It's dark blue. It's it's blue and white It's big deal. It's a big deal. They're doing pretty good. By the way the top two social media's are both blue and white That's why it's a dot the is Twitter blue is it really alboy we gave it away it's not Twitter is let's do it is way it's not Twitter and it's blue oh god it's the ends with the book hmm

this podcast this podcast should end with that look I can't believe you can't laugh on that. I love it. I love it I'm sorry Have you guys have never met no we haven't this is so good to feel the awkwardness I don't even I'm like is it real do they like each other? How's this gonna go I actually like him a lot? Okay. I like him a lot. He's not just sitting there I was enjoying a nice guy. Yeah, he is a nice guy. We hung out all night last night. We did we had a great time We had a great time. Oh, he's a good dude and a funny guy very funny. I get it God, who's sitting in Dan's soda seat now? Jesus, you're on a fucking hell. Can I tell can I tell a can I tell a Phil Hanley joke?

Yeah, please why can't he tell it he? Yeah, cuz it's a fun joke And I want to be the one that gets to tell it okay I had sex with a girl and then after would so she was like and I use your toothbrush and he's like no I Mean I'm like no and then she's like why not we had sex and he's like yeah, but I wanted to use that toothbrush again It's a good joke, but you just chopped it up The rhythms off Is that not it? Yeah, it is the g joke, but you just chopped it up. Wow, the rhythm's off. Yeah, is that not it? Yeah, it is the gist, but you just just fuck it up.

And she because you're not a good vehicle. That's the problem. That's why your career is. Yes. Yeah, you really? I said, at one night stand with a girl, she used my toothbrush and then the crowd goes gross. And I go, yeah, totally.

And she tried to justify. She said, we had sex. What's the difference? And I said, well, the difference is I want to use that toothbrush again. Yeah, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, And I said, well the difference is I wanted to use that toothbrush again. Yeah, yeah That better. Yeah, that's a joke. It was better. The bomb that time too. Here's a deal It'll have me then bandana on my clothes Yeah, why would you add to somebody? You don't bring up their jokes and I'll pack it up Let me do a yonness bit. Do you have a wig?

I'm gonna dress for you. Jai, you're gonna do a Yannis bit. Do you have a wig? I'm gonna dress funny, Jai. Do a dance soda bit. You think this bad neighborhood? You think this bad neighborhood? I don't know where the other bits. You think this bit? That was like every character mixed together. That's his Russian bit.

You think this bad neighborhood? You don't think, first of all, I love Dan. We were talking about I want to see him fail. And I do. You think this bed nibble? You don't think, first of all, I love Dan. I want to get, we were talking about, I want to see him fail. And I do, because I think it's healthy for everybody. I've seen it happen to Joe. It's happened to me a couple times. It happened to Yannis.

Wow, you might hold on. Just for 14 years, yeah. How long have you been doing comedy? 12 years. Okay. Oh, that number got smaller. Keep going. It's, it's, well, yeah, I took two years off. Keep going. It's some.

Well, yeah, I took two years off. I've started 14 years ago. You took two years off as a choice or did the business tell you to take two years off? It was kind of a choice, but I wasn't anywhere in the business. Really? Yeah, I got shot and, you know.

I'm sorry, what? I got shot, yeah. I'm sorry. You shot like a bullet? Would have gone, yeah. Why did you get shot? You know I was saving children in Algeria. It's the long story. Are you kidding me? No, it was like attempted robbery car-jacking thing did I know this and I just didn't care about you and I forgot it No, I don't think it's ever come up

You don't you don't lead with I got shot on the fucking show in his defense. It's not that great of a story I heard the story that it's crazy. It's crazy good Yeah, I was like it was intense. I just did like one of those PBS shorts on it with Scott more instinct Man, but the guy has something about yeah, so just watch that so we can look up Yeah, you just watch that. Well, you don't like the story. Why are you trying choking? Oh? I want to hear how you got shot. I got shot point blank range with 38. How do you know it was point blank? Because I was wrestling with the guy.

So you were wrestling with the guy. It's not wrestling, but I grabbed his arm. He was here. Stop, stop, stop. So you're aware. I was, you want the whole story? I'm gonna ask you the questions. Just where were you?

I was in a car. At night? At night. And you're in a car. At night? At night. And you're in a car and somebody, and then what happens? How does this guy confront you with a gun? I was leaving, I used to work, when I first started doing comedy,

I was working in nightclub. So I was leaving with my friend who's a promoter. What'd you do in a nightclub? I did like the list, the cashier, odd jobs at this particular place. I was doing the cashier. Okay. So we left together, he's carrying thousands

of dollars in cash with him. So we walk up to his car, we had a bodyguard with us and you like a box of flyers, whatever that he had for another party. So you gave the the the bodyguard a box of flyers and you guys carried the money. He had the money. I'm just a fucking cashier. Okay. There was any trouble he doing some paper cuts. To be tied around. Fuck that, it's too intense of a story. That's a damn good joke. The bodyguard had a box of flyers. That's the bodyguard had.

The paper cut was not a good joke. That's a pretty good joke. Or maybe you're just not a bad vehicle. Maybe you should write for late night. Have you as vehicle again? That'll work. Well, will you say that joke for him? Yeah, I can punch that up, Joe.

I think the third time, Yanis uses vehicle, it's gonna get a big laugh. Well, you know, I wasn't trying to be funny I was just trying to cool you stuff on with my coffee chicken 20. I want to take your p-code off I know the fact that you looked too just makes me angry that you went to look to see what coat you had on it your coat to just makes me angry. You went to look to see what coat you had on it. It's your coat. I love what he does that. Pushes the bike up.

Go ahead. He's out. He's the lowest guy man's push the mackawai. Can you pull it down so I can talk to him? No. Oh, yeah. So that's what happened. So the guy comes up and says what?

Yeah, no, I was kind of getting in the passenger's side seat and I kind of looked over my shoulder and I saw I'm kind of come out for a car. With your peripheral or your Indian fucking intuition? Yeah, just kind of New York, you always look over my shoulder and I saw I'm kind of come out with your peripheral or your Indian fucking intuition Yeah, just kind of New York. You always look over your shoulder, you know, and I saw I'm coming out from a dark vest of you And he had like a man what dark vestibule. Okay good vehicle I like the blow jobs in those back in the late 90s. I did you really I love fucking vestibule blow jobs from gals or yeah questionable

No, I'm not ever quite well now all right. I'm half a night. No, okay. She wasn't questionable. I knew what she was All right full woman all right Um, and then so he's coming out of the vestibule I kind of look over and then like I tried to get into the car She tried to run Not try to get in to him to drive cuz knew it was about to happen right and he saw me see him So he kind of sped up and he kind of, before I got a chance to close the door, he kind of was in the car.

And there it was. His arm, his upper body, it was a Jeep. So his upper body was in the car, and you shut the door on it, and he's got a gun. I tried to shut the door, but his body kind of blocked me, shut in the door and pushed my arm in. So he's in the car above me, like on me now with the gun. So you're wrestling and there's a gun. I saw the gun, I arm well kind of gun it ended up being a 38 I know that from the bullet

yeah beginning it was a newsy but then it ended up being 38 that's a fucking good joke too I'm man and everybody in here sorry honest sorry about that it's right it ended up being a 38 how are we not making fun of that like so? It looks like Joe introduced this to his replacement. I know. I like to fill will turn on anybody. Fill. I took it. Ended up being a 38. We're not jumping on that. Are you kidding me? It looks like Bobby's got a new sniper in the room.

And he's Canadian. What are the gun end up being? Look, he's starting to get seriously, he's starting to get seriously flustered. I think that this hero audience is fucking laughing. Or whatever, the people at home, whatever the fuck. By the way, sorry, Kelly is shooting this with an iPad. It looks like you're just reading and like not interested in anything. That's a nice visual joke for the radio listeners. That's what I actually told Kelly to do from the show.

No, it's read. Don't talk to me, guys. I got an overwhelming response. Can you have Kelly read during the show? By the way, Kelly, when you came back from Australia, you shit on me. We've been back here with Yanis. Yeah, but we had that conversation. Yeah, we have. Oh, though we talked about. Sorry, yeah, we talked about it. No, I was just shitting on me. Oh, remember that we had, remember? Yeah, but we had that conversation.

Yeah, we have, although we talked about. I'm sorry, yeah, we talked about that. No, I'm like, no, I wasn't shitting on you. Yeah, you were like, what? It came across like you should. I wasn't even shitting, I wasn't even, because I, you like told you, I was like, oh, we were joking around and I said,

be honest with this and I had to correct others. That's right, I wasn't that bad, I'm sorry. Because otherwise I would have not have said anything just bitch about you behind your back. I don't have to never do that, because I love you. Yay. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Did you finish this? Yannis, I feel like, my good friend Yannis was about to get shot and then he got back. What? What was he here? Joe's just keeps breaking the rhythm with his attempted joke. Joe, you don't fucking listen to that. You keep trying. Yeah, Joe.

Keep swinging. All right, thank you. You're taking cuts. They're Ricky Houston. Go ahead. What do you got? You're in the car, you're wrestling, you try to grab his car. So I said, I better show you my life. I had that a character called Mauricia. And then boom.

Now what happened? No, so then, yeah. But why wouldn't you point the gun, like, grab, why wouldn't you focus? Now I'm just saying this as a guy that has, I think all New Yorkers have had that scenario, run through your head like, if someone holds a gun you a knife

What would you do every time I walk my dogs? I? Look for a weapon as soon as I walk out like something to hit somebody with what kind of dog do you yeah? I got two silky terriers. Oh, that's why I don't have a fight. Yeah, exactly Yeah, but you know I always look for something to you know defend myself with walking around this fucking city because I know so many people that forget It's New York because Giuliani made it all Disney and but you know my friends wife was on the train at night Coming off from work one night and she fell asleep because she's taking the train home so many nights and it's all right And then she got muck she got punched in the face knocked the fuck out she woke up with her purse Out a gone and one titty hanging out with a bite mark on it really no, I'm kidding Joe laughed when you said this scary

I like to support my friends about that like that was I was like that was pretty brutal Yeah, it's like a bite mark on the titty. I was actually okay. I'm just kidding. So you suck to dig for a steak, you honest No, that was me. That was me Yeah, so I grabbed his arm to get it away from me I was grabbing it because I he had a gun. It was just an instinct like I wanted it away and I guess I pushed it down. He fired at some point he fired he fired into your inner thigh inner thigh So you pointed the gun near your dick? Yeah pretty much Why were not on purpose?

Why won't you point it, like hold it away from you? I don't know, man. I don't, you know, it's like you're wrestling with, like I don't know. I just wanted it away. I must have pushed him down. Just point it to the smallest possible target. Yeah.

Small dick joke. Can I walk my way back? I'm starting with a small dick joke. I like the joke. It's bad. I gotta dump it down for you, clowns. It's gotta be a dick joke. Do you still have scars? So I got a little bullet. I like the Joe in fact I gotta done it down for you clowns It's gonna be a dick joke. Do you still have skies? I got a little bullet let's like yeah, just a bullet bullet holes Let me ask you a question. So after you get shot what happens does he run because he just shot a fucking human

I was that freak him out. Yeah, well I I I knew it's a weird thing to explain I knew I was shot, but I didn't you kind've kind of all happened, and so you know it is, but you don't, that's the only way I can explain it. But I think, I guess, instinctually, like I pretended that I wanted, I knew I wasn't that hurt, but I pretended like I was more hurt than I was. I've done that.

Yeah, because I kind of slid down, because I didn't want him to shoot anymore. You know, I didn't want him to fire, and then he kind of just like slid it, I remember him kind of like kicking me out of frustration, and then he ran yeah, so not only did he Shoot you then he kicked you I think so out of frustration out of frustration or something. Yeah, it was a weird kick Did I get the money? No, I didn't have the money. Did you cry? No, I didn't cry

Were you in the car? We're fucking man. I'm not gonna cry. Huh? You honest you in the car? I was in the car sitting in the like yeah, I was in the car, yeah. And I slid out of the car. Oh, okay. Yeah. What the other guy's doing? What the bouncer? The guy, the bouncer had walked back around the corner when this happened.

He had put the box fliers in the back with us and he walked back around and we were getting the car. It was right in the corner. So he had a ready turn in the corner. Okay. The other guy who was my friend, Ran, he got out of the car and ran, and was like screaming. That's good.

I'm glad you're addressing because all I was thinking was, what happened to the box of flyers? Oh, you're here. So those were safe. They were safe. So next week you did have a full house. They were safe. Yeah, they were safe.

That's crazy. So you get shot. And now what just, is it, does it burn? It burns hot. The heat. Did it go through your leg or did it? No, it stayed in my leg. Is it still there or Are you like Iron Man?

No, it was in there for a couple of years and then like your body will push a foreign object to the surface, so eventually it made it work. So one of the day you're taking a shit and you're hurting nickels? Yeah. Hit the bottom of the toilet? No, it's actually a funny story.

I had to go to the surgeon to get it removed. This is a true story. So they put me under... I hope it is. I hope it's a lying to us. They put my legs up. Have you been lying to me before Yeah, they put my they put my legs up. Have you been lying to me before? It's not a big story. But I was gonna make one up. It would be something like that.

You know, you can just say you can just tell the story. You don't need to preface it with this is true. We got it. Well, no, because it's like, you know, this is funny. We trust you is what I'm saying. All right. So they had my legs up. Like I guess a woman at the gynecologist because he was operating to take the bulldozer Like under my ass cheek, you know, so and I was out He they put me under and then I was coming to and they were under him in the nurse runner there And I just farted right in their face as they were taking that's what woke me up was like a fart

And I just woke up to them cracking up Really? Yeah, I fart Far right on the doctor. His face was right there, like, right by my ass. Right by your fucking Greek area ass. I farted in my ass. I like, I'll leave him fed up. Oh, did I know where I was? I just remember farting and then I just slowly kind of came too.

And they were just kind of laughing. So you came too? Yeah. That was bad. That was bad. That was bad. There won't be a better joke this part. I found it and I came too. That's crazy.

So could you walk, did it take a while to get back? I couldn't shit. I had to hold, I couldn't sit on a toilet because it was too swollen and sore. So I'd hold myself up in my arms while I shit, like a hovered like a girl. Like you're at the airport? Yeah.

Kind of. Is that what you do at the airport? They're pretty dirty, yeah. Yeah, I don't shit in the airport. I shit in the airports. There's a whole thing on Mythbusters that, you know, the pisses, pisses actually, okay, to sit in.

Really? Yeah, because it's clean. It has ammonia in it. You know, I gotta get sick, but you're sitting in someone's house. Is it not a fact? No, it is cleaning. You can use it.

Yeah, if you want to clean your feet, you can piss on them. Because it has ammonia in it. Piss has ammonia in it. That's why you piss on that. I'm really pissed things. I'm not very excited. You guys all really, you can do that. Well, I got germ issues when it comes to like airport bathrooms and that was good news for me for a second.

Yeah, you're all set. You can bail in. I've developed Jermishies over, you know, big traveling so much I've gotten, I've never, I fucking, I don't give a shit. I'll eat whatever it is, I'll touch things, I'll shit anywhere, but over the years I've developed that. You know, once you get sick,

yeah, and you gotta, you have to do the next gig because you need to pay rent. Yeah. You get fucking weird, right? Yeah. It's like I'm not, sick, and you gotta, you have to do the next gig because you need to pay rent. Yeah. You get fucking weird, right? Yeah. It's like, I'm not, fuck, I carried the fan juice. I carry that with me all the time. Wash my hands.

But I'll sit, I'll sit, I know that my asshole, my, you know, the part of your ass. I'm familiar. Oh, man. We know what you're talking about. Part that you breathe out of, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah breathe out of him. Yeah, the sitting on somebody's purse is not a big deal.

It's not like you don't wipe it down though before you sit. Of course, I'm not a savage. I don't just sit down in like shit's pants. Well, and that's what I do. You really gotta go. You do, you ever do that way? Like, if God is shit and you just like fuck it. No, I just walk down. No, cause it takes two seconds.

If it took 30 minutes, I would do that. I'm a little boy's time. It literally takes two seconds to wipe whatever stains you see off. I have a very many regime that I do. No, you never had that moment though where you're gonna like about to shit your pants. And you just don't have to. Don't get to that moment, where you're gonna like about to shit your pants. And you just have to have to tap into every body. What are you eating?

Well, now I've changed my diet. I haven't had diarrhea in a month and a half. So, me either. I've changed my diet too. I haven't had sugar or carbs. I'm not gonna have them for three weeks. It's day four, and then I started juicing. You're gonna look good soon.

You're gonna look like the old head shots. I don't wanna look like my old head shots. I just wanna, I really don't want to get into shape, shape with that I have to. The last time I got into shape, I got abs. Like I was running, but I was working out like an athlete, like running up running in canyon, the hard part running down,

and then going to the gym for two hours, and eating egg whites, and I don't want that shit I just want to not die right you want to do it at 45 yeah, yeah I'm I just want to eat that's why I'm doing it like I don't need to have anything. I'm not even working out I just I want to feel better. Well, we filmed that me and sure I filmed that travel channel pilot the food show where we go It's literally a food competition show. We don't have to eat like a a seven pound hamburger like Adam Richmond did But we have you know, it's you know, we'll go to 10 restaurants and whoever taps out first wins

Whatever, but it's more about going to Miami or a town and and seeing the place through the food of the town and meeting the people and all that shit but halfway through them like'm like, dude, I'll fucking die on the show. If this goes, if this kids picked up, I'm losing a foot. I'm done. I'm gonna get diabetes, I'm gonna die. So it's like, I gotta get into shape. Just in case you get it.

Well, if I get it, it's not that bad eating. I think they did a test run and it was 8,000 calories. They did like a test show. Wow. Which, that's a too many calories. Too many calories, but if you're working out, and I think they read, they reprogram the whole concept of it where we walk in the, they have a 40 inch pizza.

You can just do one slice. And you can even go to another place. And then like you can fucking have this weirdest food, like you know, a seafood sausage I had. You know, and then maybe he might be like, you know, all that sucks or you know, whatever. It is what it is. It's more like a combination of shows.

We don't have to eat, you know, like that guy got really sick from eating a fucking, you know, like that guy got really sick from eating a fucking, you know, a pancake the size of a hubcap. I mean, he got sick, like really fucked with him, like, you know, his body, he started falling apart. Yeah, like I always saw that shit. And I was like, the show started out where he, you know, he won a couple, but then it got to the point where it's, I'm hearing Denver and I'm going to eat seven hamburger colossal. It's a pizza hamburger, French fries, onion rings and 17 pancakes. And it's like, no, you're not. I know you're not right out of the gate. It's not going to happen. You're going to try to do it. You're going to

your fucking sick and ill. And there's an audience around them too, so you really can't fake it. It's like, yeah. Fuck that, and then there's people, I felt bad too, because you know, you watch this, you ever see Vice Guide on YouTube? No. No.

It's the most disturbing should I've ever seen in my life. These guys are great. They're gonna have a show at HBO coming out. If you Google Vice Guide on YouTube, they're affiliated with the magazine vice. Yep, yeah, okay. Yeah, those guys, they just go to fucking, you know, they go to the shittiest places in the world

and show you what it's like. And they all do that all the time. Huh? I do that all the time. What I do is show there. Yeah. Like Liberia, they went to Liberia and it's like you know these the That's a cool show. I'd want to see that yeah, I go into the biggest shit holes in most dangerous places

You can't stop watching it. It's like these these these they go to these warlords that are no longer warlords because the war is over So they're regular dudes now, but these the one guy was called the naked whatever and he would go into battle naked him and all his dudes would just be fucking bear ass naked and they would kill a child and drink its blood Wow, and he said it like it's like yeah, we go to John's pizza before a show and have a slice of pizza to you know kind of getting the mood. Let's go. You guys hungry. Let's go eat a baby. Alright. Let's go eat Brian. Brian. They fucking would just find a kid and kill him and drink his blood.

You guys still look for baby blood? Yes, today. Jeremy, come here two seconds. And they showed a video of like these kids. These are other kids. Jesus Christ. Would be holding up like the inside and to be like a dead kid and then they're like They got guns and fucking cookie hats and they're just holding up a kid's heart Jesus fucking nuts and then here I am you know fucking overeating at a fucking eye hop for a TV show Yeah, it made me But a fuck damn dude

No, cuz other people would hear that. Fuck kids. People would be like, we got it so good. You know, a lot of people would be like, we got it so good, we're so spoiled. We never realized, cause in light beer, they're eating kids. But you know what? Fuck them. Why don't they stop eating kids?

They can't. They're so delicious. It's fucking... Have you ever had a kid? Oh, baby boy. It's delicious. Get that fucking Korean sauce. I had a I had a bimbabip kid God, they are good babies. Yeah, but it is delicious look man

These fucking and they went to North Korea, which was crazy. How did they get in? I thought only Dennis Rodman could get in there Nope, they're the guys who sent Dennis Rodman. Oh really?? They sent Dennis Rodman. Yeah, they went a while back, but you can go on a tour of, you have to be chosen and they run these tours, but it's a proper ganditor where, you know, they'll set up everything. Even the restaurant you go to is set up before, like you just show up in here, but they knew you were coming. They blindfold you on the way there.

See how wonderful it is. All it is is how we, America's fucking evil, and how they're unbelievably great. They do this crazy thing, there's around, I don't know, hundred and fucking 20,000 people in the stadium, and you sit there on one half of the stadium, and the other half of the stadium. You know how they hold the cards up at like the Super Bowl,

and they, and you notice in the all flippin' minute, make something, they hold the cards up at like the Super Bowl and they and you know something they all flip them and it makes something. Yeah, yeah, they do a show with that, but 70,000 kids or people, Koreans have these cards and they hold them up at certain times and it just it's like watching TV. They do it so amazingly. Wow. Those kids are probably having a ball doing that. I love every moment. We do that, but then dare what? What did I love every moment. We do that, but then dare one. If the legate. What did you say? I said, we do that, but then Dane Cook performs.

He sells a little tickets. He does. That's the first person to use the button down in the wipes. Shit sweat office forehead. How do you get rid of the bandana once you have it? Somebody else has to throw a bomb on the floor. Oh, it's coming.

Oh, it's coming. Oh, okay. I was just wondering, because I felt bad that Joe had still had to bandana. No, he usually has it because he does throw it a lot of Joe. Joe's a lot. I come on the podcast and try to be funny. Yeah, you do a heck of a job. Thanks for that.

Takes a risk. Thanks for being there. Ha! Did you ever hear the story that the famous Harvard Yale? It just haod you back! Yes, sending it back your way. All right, who felt like you mocked me? No, no, no, I was mocking this fucking dummy.

Did you ever hear about the Harvard Yale thing? They did that. I forget which school did it to who, but these guys penetrated the school for an entire year and pretended that they went to whatever, say, Yale kids went to Harvard for like a year, faked it, and they set up that thing at half time of the Harvard Yale game, and they all, the whole student body flipped it, and it said, we suck.

Really? Yeah, yeah, it's like a famous, that's fucking brilliant. Or maybe it's at Harvard sucks or something. I love it, I love it. Harvard Yale, can you tell you? You also want it? It's something, I don't know.

But, I thought you were looking that up. I got excited, all right, just fuck me. But you know what I say though, that's their like, tied again. You know how we have movies, and we have, Joe comes as talker.

I know, but you just the momentum just dies. But we have movies, and we have Hollywood, and we have television shows. They have that. That's their thing thing like that's their major league baseball that's their nfl is this

fucking hundred thousand seat uh... stadium and these people do this and you go out and here's a funny part there's uh... the there's four or five seats where these guests go and the one guy from from Vice was the only guy with thousands of people behind him, and then a hundred thousand people in front of him

doing this thing for just him, like just him. So it's crazy. So they just set this whole thing up for him. Well, they do this thing, but not just for him, but they do it all the time. But it's their big show that you'd go if you were Korean, that's what you go and see. And it's this amazing, yeah.

And everything they, every way they went, you could be arrested in seconds over there for whatever the fuck you do. But everything is about how great they treat the people and how amazing it is. And it's exact opposite. The vice, vice guide on YouTube is fucking crazy. This is thing.

It was the most, I couldn't stop watching it. It was the most depressing thing I ever, the suicide forest in Japan. At the bottom of Mount Fuji. I definitely checked in this out, dude. It's the fucking, I've never, I thought it was fake. Like halfway through, you're like, is this fake? It's called the suicide forest,

and hundreds of people go to kill themselves in this forest. And you'll this guy is seen he's got photos of over 100 bodies. He's like one of the forest guides and he you go in and there's this tape or like ribbons and they people just go and they hang themselves and kill themselves or take pills and and die. He actually as he's walking through the forest he he found a body, somebody killed himself, and then he found rope from somebody who also killed, then he found like a camping thing where the people aren't there,

haven't been there for months, and they're dead. And then they show these pictures of all these Japanese people that go there to fucking kill themselves. And they'd be like, the establishment looks the other way, they let it happen kind of. No, there's a sign. It says, don't kill themselves. And they'd be like, establishment looks the other way, they let it happen kind of. No, there's a sign. It says, don't kill yourself.

Yeah. Yeah. It's like, no, I came all the way from Pyongyang. I'm killing myself. Pyongyang is Japanese. Yeah, where is that? It's like in Korea.

A Thai restaurant, I think. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'd pay Young Yang. Pyongyang. If you've seen the bridge, did you see that documentary? I'm one of my favorite, I bought it. Oh really? Yeah, have you seen the bridge did you see that document? One of my favorite I bought it. Oh, yeah, you see that no, it's all about

The Golden Gate Bridge people jumping off go and get bridge. I read an article in New Yorker about that a couple years ago Yeah, it was a famous it based on that. Yeah, I don't know if it's based on the people who survived it be a part of the doc Is one guy yeah one guy survived and the reason why he jumped off he had this so Joe's act oh Joe just Joe just tied the bandana around his fist I think he's gonna punch you but what the folks didn't get to see is Bobby having to turn Yanis's mic down because of the celebration of his dumb zing. What happened to that noise? Did that become a part of this podcast?

What is it? I just stole a gold and then don't even worry about it. I just leave it out there. Well, he's... That movie, this guy jumped, he had this thing in. He had he was bipolar and he didn't know it And he just had jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump You know you just thought about jumping all the time and he went in his fall He woke up on day and he was I'm gonna go kill myself. And he went to the go they have photos of it

There's photos somebody somebody took a photo of him jumping. Yeah, yeah, there's like a still yeah If him in like the mid air holy man And this is how fucked up this movie is though, they show the bridge, the opening scenes, the opening credits, you're watching it and it's the golden gate bridge on a foggy morning or afternoon, whatever. And it's just the bridge and you can just watching and things are happening and then all of a sudden around maybe five minutes into this. So three minutes in, which is forever, you just watch in the same image.

And then all of a sudden, you see a splash and it's actual video of somebody who just killed himself. Wow. So it's like, what the fuck was, that was like a tourist just looking at the bridge and then somebody told him. No, no, no, for a year. Yeah, that's right, that's right, yeah, yeah.

You're right, Craig, me from around for a year. They set up cameras on both sides of the bridge Recording all day long for their movie for this movie. It was why didn't that would have been nice if they set up somebody to stop the people I think there was a guy Totally ruined the movie on a so-called rule. Yeah, I'm a show business. Fucking party pooper you are. I got invested in school. I'm gonna cut down the death forest too. Yeah. Yeah. I'm really.

Once you go fucking see the trouble in Africa. Tell kids Santa Claus isn't real. I'm gonna do this. What? Oh well. Is there a drink buddy? There's a right in there. Grab whatever you want.

Oh, is there anything Canadian friendly here though? What's that, Paul? Can I have a Coke or ale? A Coke, a Coca-Cola honey? I don't think you've earned it, Joe. I know, I did feel like you had to earn your beverage invitation there. What do you want? What do you want to give me?

A Coke. Coke, classic, if you have a Coke. A Coke classic. Oh, look at the wooden penises in here. So, this thing, Good times. So this guy jumped he jumps off He's a kid too jumps off and the the reason why he lived he had

Work boots on steel toe work boots and when he fell he fell in such a way that his His boots broke the water because out you know, oh It made like a you know a little slice a little it's off in the Impeccable I mean he got fucked up. He broke his back or something Yeah, he goes into wheelchair and yeah, he was fucked up He's up when I got a better question. I didn't see the movie but actually a question to war the story He was telling but keep going no I'm sorry, but how did he survive who got him out of the water? I'm gonna finish the story. That's how stories work. I'm sorry about that. What are you my wife? Did he do it? I don't know yet

So Why don't you give him the bandana in his mouth? It's not a fucking coke break halfway through I just go my friend here He could have something and he's gonna get involved. He's a grown man. He can get it himself. So he This is the fucked up part. He falls. He doesn't die as in this is the two weird things that happened as soon as he jumped He said in my brain. It went don't jump. So as soon as he jumped, I read that in the article. He was like, fuck me I shouldn't have done this. Don't do this and he did it

It's too late. He's falling. He hits the water. He's fucked. He knows that his legs. He can't move his legs Then he feels Something on his on his leg upper thigh pushing him. He's like oh fuck because underneath the golden gate bridge There's sharks. There's hammerhead sharks. There's fucking a lot of sharks under in that water He's like now not only did I fucking fuck up and jump off, I'm alive, and I'm gonna eat my fucking shark. Which would have been amazing, away but a story. If the guy you got fell and lived and then got eaten,

and they had that video. It was a seal. It was a sealion. So was the sealion, it just, it just Seal cool. So is the sea lion that just gently brushed against it? What happens is those currents, a lot of people die in the current, too, because the current is so strong

out of the bridge that you just get swept away. You're gone. They don't even know where you are. So the sea lion actually pushed them, pushed them to the shore. Oh my God. What? Yeah, you tell it, remember?

Yeah, yeah. They tell them in in the he was You see lying right now Oh, you see lion so bad I God I'm get at least one person that was one of the words We that me and be like loved to see L.I.I.N. Apostrophe joke hashtag sarcastic Are you kidding me to see lines save this guy's life?

I'm not saying the see line saved his life. It was Jesus Christ, of course. Right. But acting through the see line. Exactly. That's not the way. But that's one of the craziest things I've ever heard. And he lived.

And then they found out that he's bipolar and now he takes pills. And I guess he's alright. And he went on this fucking tour with the movie but you know they they what they did with this movie which was fucking awesome they showed the person about to jump because they had the video like one long-haired guy going back and forth yeah right yeah yeah yeah and they they show him throughout the film yeah I didn't want to I didn't want to say what happened but yeah yeah they show the guy literally pacing back and forth and he's in this long black it looks like a rocker like just

fucking crazy cool looking dude pacing back and forth and then he jumps up looks over and then they'll do a back story they'll cut before he jumped and then do this whole back story of his friends and family and where it led up to and then they show them jump. Oh man, they are gonna show these. Yeah, yeah, that's how it works. Some of them lived though, that was the only guy that lived, right? They're very fucking rarely.

The Golden Gate Bridge is famous for people who want to commit suicide, because it's like, you know, this is, you're gonna die. Most people fucking die of that. That one guy lived lived which is crazy Do people travel from like add a state to kill themselves at the Golden Gate bridges like that? Yep, wow right that talk about that too. They talk about how people come from there pull up Expedia real quick If the golden the suicide forest is closed they go to that they go

Yeah, I have a question in the comment. I've heard, I read this. I read this, the George Washington bridge is a height. Did this happen? Have you ever heard this? People jump off the GW bridge and they're going so fast and the water's not that deep, so they fire through the water, survive it. And then it's like marsh the bottom and they'll sink into the ground and drown. Like they stuck from the waist up, they kick it out.

Oh wow. That happens all the time. And they'll go down there and they'll just be like, bodies fucking floating from the waist up. No shit. Yeah. That's crazy. So that would just suck.

To jump off a bridge, not die and then be stuck. And then you're just drowning. Ugh. And also, have you seen the documentary, Dear Zachary? No. What is that about? It's amazing. It's about a kid who a guy who gets murdered

and then it's his name Zachary. Yeah, yeah. I read about it yesterday. I'm gonna watch it. It's really sad and crazy. It's like the best document. Well, here's the story. We don't have kids, you'll love it.

Here's an interesting story. He's a kid I knew a friend of mine and I grew up with through himself in front of an F-trained two weeks ago. Kill themselves. What? Wow. Yeah. He was struggling with schizophrenia for like 20 years.

So he jumped in front of an F-Train. That guy, high school schizophrenia. Is this schizophrenia? I like it. I like it. I like it. The camera cost is inappropriate. The tape cover cross.

Has any probes as my jujoke at the beginning? Not quite, but it was still it was very inappropriate. I'm talking about about a friend who died Joe. Well, you're trying to advance your career Oh, and you got a bit like skits of friend of yours. I mean I'm afraid I could never first. Well, I never kill myself. I've never thought of it. I've never And it was never an option. Huh? That surprises me. What that? I've never thought about it He's been through a lot of ways. I've never thought of kill I've been through a shitload and I I mean even I think we all even today Even though we're all doing great. We we're fucking crazy get to do this comedy shit for money

Which is nuts that we even get paid for what we do Well most of us get paid for what we do some of us have to oh Sorry Kelly do drink tickets count Well, most of us get paid for what we do. Some of us have to, oh, hotels. Sorry, Kelly. Do you drink tickets, Count? Do you call them lucky? Still, still lucky, just to be doing it. But I've never thought about killing myself. But I could never jump off of a bridge.

I'm afraid of heights. I wouldn't even get to the edge. I'd be panicking. I would, I'd just be. There's another side of it where you think, like, wow, these people are really courageous to do that Like doesn't ever like to jump out of a window. I mean that takes some balls Yeah, that's like the stand-off is a bit about the it's I took the easy way out and he's like that's the easy way

It's taking a gun putting in your mouth and blowing your fucking head off. That's the easy way pretty easy It's very easy. Yeah, can you not tell people's jokes anymore? Yeah, it's crazy No, but I mean, it is. That is. Those little dugs stand up in Phil Hanlon. It's calling the butcher. It's, it's, it's, I mean, look, killing yourself with a gun, you're just pulling a trigger and you're waking up either in a hospital or never, you just, what have you gone.

That's an easy way to go. Put the gun in your head. I know someone that did that though and they survived and they're face and head got all fucked up. And now they can barely leave the house. What kind of horrible stuff. How do you miss? I know, but they kind of, because I, I don't know, for some reason they survived in their face and head got all fucked up. And now they can barely leave their ass. What kind of horrible shit are you doing? How do you miss? I know, but they kind of,

because I don't have a summary they survived. They have a facial fucked up. Bullets don't, well they want to, if it's fired and it hits something, it literally just fucking goes wherever it wants. It doesn't go through, it doesn't always just go through. Yeah, but if you do this, you're not living if you do this.

Also, what's the difference between easy, how is jumping off a bridge not easy, but shooting yourself is? Cause you're alive for it and it's a big fear that? How is jumping off a bridge not easy, but shooting yourself is because you're alive for it And it's a big fear that people have of falling and people are not afraid of getting shot in the face No, it's just so quick you just do it. You know, it's quick Whereas the action of jumping off a bridge is quick too jumping is you're gonna go in a trigger But you approach it like there'd be like you'd see it like I already feel way

You're gonna approach the gun to you against every instinct. Yeah, you got to approach it to buy a gun, to buy a boat, you got to put it in there. You'll reach back up. I've held the gun. All right, this is getting into some weird shit. I've held the gun with loaded, and the thought, Patrice used to have a bit about a called intrusive thinking

is what it's called. Is when you're holding a baby, and you're like, I could just fucking throw this thing, right? Like, you would never do it, but you're fucking, you like throw it, throw it, throw it, throw it, fuck! Take the baby back. You know what I mean?

Like, when you have, I have had a gun in my hand, I'm like, dude, I could just, I could fucking literally shoot him on the fucker. Just pull the trigger and it's, it's so fucking easy to jump, to jump off a cliff. Oh, I wouldn't even get near the, like you said, I wouldn't get 30 feet near the fucking thing because I'm too, I'm too even get near the, like you said, I wouldn't get 30 feet near the fucking thing because I'm too afraid of heights, to even be able to pull it off. I agree with you, yeah.

A gun, I'm not afraid of it, and- You're talking about your personal thing, you're afraid of heights, you're not afraid of guns, but I mean, most people are afraid of guns. You're so much easier. Just accept it, Joe. There's so much easier about that. I'm not gonna accept that it's easy to take a gun

and shoot yourself. It's a lot easier than jumping out of a fucking 50 story window. It's something much easier about that. I mean, I'm not gonna accept that it's easy to take a gun and shoot yourself. It's a lot easier than jumping out of a fucking 50 story window. It's harder because jumping off a bridge is much easier than pulling a trick. You're gonna be precise. There's much more chance of missing and being retarded after that. I just think you're off today.

Yeah, but here's the deal. You're just off and frustrated. I think, I think like stabbing somebody. I get shoot somebody, like people say, I carry a knife. I'm like, do you realize how hard it is to stab a human, like flesh, stick it in somebody? It's personal, it's personal, yeah. It's really hard to do that.

It's not easy to just stick somebody. It doesn't just go in and it's hard to pull a knife out of somebody. I mean, I've gotten stabbed in my arm and I had to pull the knife out and it was hard. You can't just pull the a knife out of somebody. I mean, I've gotten stabbed in my arm and I had to pull the knife out and it was hard. You can't just pull the fucking thing out of somebody. How'd you get stabbed? Were you eating two in your mouth full or something, a foster home or something?

Do you have to stop? I'm just gonna stab by a foster house. Yes, deserves a bandana. Don't chew with your mouth open, son. I'm one of these weirdos that find it difficult to shoot other people in himself. Joe, it just, look, I've been shot. It's a, sun. I'm one of these weirdos that finds it difficult to shoot other people in himself. Joe, it just, look, I've been shot, it's a much more imperational.

Your been shot is not an argument for, whether or not he's easy to shoot yourself. Don't bring that in, that's dumb. It's easier to shoot somebody than it stabs somebody. Stabby somebody. No, no, we're not talking about, I mean, stabbing something is different. We're talking about the jump-off the bridge suicide thing.

When did you get shot, Janice? 2001. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It's tough shoes to fill, but I'd rather have fill. No, I'm kidding. I love soda, I love soda. I'm soda. I'm drinking one right now. All right, I'm just going puns the rest of the night. Jesus Christ. I got stabbed, we were, I got stabbed, I got sliced,

which is not really stabbing. I got stabbed once and I got sliced. When I was a kid, we used to, we used to get in fights with other towns and you'd get a knife. That's so fucking Massachusetts. It's so stupid because you're not, we wound up fighting or wrestling and then it would just be over. It wasn't like we would really, we didn't ever want to, wow, we put beatings on each other, but we wouldn't really, you wouldn't

stab somebody. You were from Quincy, I'm from Waches. Yeah, exactly. I mean, the worst thing I ever did was throw like a full beer can at somebody's face. That would hurt. Yeah. You know, a knife though, you think you'd do it, but you wouldn't, but we had knives, and my friend, he had the knife, we were fucking stoned. I was, I think it was 13 of 14,

and he was flipping it around. I had put a, remember the compasses, we put the pencil in and it has the needle. Yeah, you know the little ring finger the little ring thing I attached that to the end of a knife so you could spin it like I used to make you know like you'd be cool Yeah, like a fucking ninja Yeah, and he spun it and threw it and it went into my forearm my friend. This would be for the rumble Oh, shit. It's actually pretty funny. It hurt and I it didn't really hurt You know what it did?

Psychologically, like, I'm not, there's a some stabbed and you, you like, and I had to pull it out and I couldn't do it and we both had to like do it. Like one, two, and it was all the way in there. I was in there, man. Wow. Yeah, we're right by the, it went right in the meat too. So I thank God I was lucky. And then I got stabbed on my knuckles.

I was trying to Get a hose because when you used to get into fights if you got a cut up nice piece of hose off around three feet You could use that to hit people in the face with Not that I ever did right because you know, I'm 13 I'm just going on what I saw on the wander you know the wanderers are the fucking warriors movies that you know And I cut it and I sliced my hand open so bad that like, white shit was coming out. Like, I don't know what the fuck that is. Like just, ugh.

Yeah, I got, I was a fucking idiot. I got a bunch of, never, I got beat up a lot. I got my ass kicked a lot. That's like, just fucking woke up in the hospital. A woke up just bloody. Was it because you were smart at you? No, I just fucking hung out in shitty places. And then I was the king of the sucka punch, too.

That was my thing. You do the sucker puncher? I'd be like, dude, I don't want to whack. The thing, the problem with the sucker punch, is it didn't work a lot. You forget that people are tough. Like I remember I hit this one kid. It was at night, it was a Catholic school,

nighttime communion class. And me and my friends went there and we were all shit faced. I was fucking trashed. And we went there on this smoking chick and I was talking to her and her cousin who was this fucking bad ass kid came up and pushed us apart and like, fuck you, it's the fuck that's my cousin.

And I was drunk and I had to shit real bad. I just thought I remember I had to shit really bad. And I went, dude, I don't want any trouble. Fwack! And I hit him with everything I had. And you shit a little bit. I didn't shit a little bit. I shit a lot of it. Oh shit a little bit. I didn't shit a little bit. I shit a lot of

Shit I shit all of it shit your pants nice defense There's a thing the kid didn't go down here that was the worst part fucking hilarious dude He turned his face and what you mother fucking I was like Did he give you a beat and while you had shit in your pants? My friends thank God came over and grabbed them and threw them away. And then we all ran. And then we all ran. Everything just smelled like you just shuddered.

We all ran because the priest came out. And I remember I ran this this house. And I remember this, I was in the front bushes, you know, right under the bay window, there's always some bushes. I ran into those bushes and took my pants off and was wiping my asshole with my sock. And I remember there was this family watching like a movie

and they were, I could hear them. It was like they were laughing and giggling. I'm just this 13 year old with, you know, without a family drunk, wiping my asshole with my fucking tube sock under the bush. Just wishing I was in there, watching a movie having popcorn. And I went back and I found the kid.

I went back. I was so mad that I shit my pants, he made me shit my pants. Did he know that you shit your pants? No, he didn't. Okay. But I still sound. I went back. Huh?

Sound in a smell. There wasn't a sound. No. No. It's like when you sneeze and you fart like you punched it Right, I went back to the school It's so fucking hysterical and he was looking for me too. Yeah, so we met it was weird We met in some of all on this bridge

He was on one side of the bridge walking away from me and I was on the other and I'm walking I grabbed a picket fence One of white picket fence from that family's home Fuck them. And I was going, you motherfucker, fuck you and he was walking away with his friends. Did you have pants on? I had my pants back on.

No underwear. One sock. Shits, stains everywhere. Shits, stains inside, but not on the outside. Because I had tidy, whiteies on. Okay, so the underwear gone, one sock, I had on. One sock. The other sock, underwear in the bush.

Of that foot, the fucking poor guys Gonna be doing lawn work with their son. This I use a wig workers. What the fuck That happened to me I woke up one time without underwear on wait finished the story I have anyways we're over the bridge he turns around takes his fucking jacket off We meet at the top of the bridge. Yeah, you got one second. I take the fucking the picket and I hit him in the head with it And nothing I'm like this kid is fucking the terminator And thank God the the priest from the fucking school Pulled up and saw us fighting and broke us up and was like kid, you know and talk to him and talk to me

And was like you guys don't want to do this. This is you know, and talk to him and talk to me. And was like, you guys don't want to do this. This is, you know, this is over stupid shit. He's like, you're, maybe he's swearing. So we kind of, you know, we were like, okay. And then he was like, all right, it's cool. Well, a priest helping kids, you know, you know, that one. And then we shook hands. Thank God, because I was gonna catch a beating.

Yeah. This kid was way tougher than me. He said, I was not gonna catch a beating. I was, I was not gonna catch a beating. I was just gonna mean, it was just gonna mean awful night to remember, right? And I remember the father was like, what the, what is that smell?

Ha ha ha. Like at the end of it. Like, and no, I was like, my front bushes in here. Ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah. I remember I woke up,

I used to, I remember I woke up one day at my friend, Frankie's house. I got so drunk and so high. I woke up in a cot to, I remember I woke up one day at my friend, Frankie's house, I got so drunk and so high, I woke up in a cot, he had this pull out cot and I was on it, naked. And I woke up and I, like, was what the fuck and I found my pants and put my pants on it,

put my, I didn't know what happened, it blacked out. A month later, he found my underwear behind his couch with a fucking, a fossilized log in it, like six inches long. I had shit my pants but like just one log like a really good log like a healthy, you know, like a fucking baby Ruth. Yeah, it looks like a carrot. Yeah, and it fossilized and his mother was cleaning the house found my underwear with the log in it. Did they Bobby Kelly in it?

He was so mad. You didn't have your, you know, when you're a kid, you blow out your mom, put your, well, if you have a mom, she'll put your name in the underwear. I had a mom, you ask all, I just, I just, I just, fuck it, I don't know, fuck. God, you shit, you pants a lot as a kid.

I know, I couldn't, well, like, why was there a ship behind the couch? Why don't you just go to the toilet at that time? You went in a little fun. What's that? I was, I was, I was in a blackout. I was in a drunk. Oh, shit, it's out of your mouth.

I was in a drunk alcoholic blackout. He like shit. He probably rolled over on his side, shit. And then he kicked it out with your foot. Just took his pants off and just went back. I think what happened is I went to the bathroom and I shit, but I didn't pull my underwear down. And I shit in my underwear.

And I just pulled the underwear off and wrapped it up and threw it me home. Naturally, yeah. I did that not that long ago. Did you ever tell the story here when he shit on the girls shoes and all that? Yeah, yeah. I took that a year ago.

Yeah, a year ago. You shit a couple weeks ago? I mean, it was a couple of years ago. I mean, it was a year ago. What was that? No, not the shoe story, the shitting in your pants under a story. Is that what? Did you shit in your pants really? I didn't shit in my pants. No, but

what you were saying, thought that you were shitting in a toilet, but left your pants on. I thought I was shitting in a toilet, but shit in the toilet. You drunk or you just tired? That's what I do in airports. Blackout track. You blackout drunk and you shit yourself? No, shit in the girls shoe. I'm talking about that. That's one of my favorites. I'm talking about. So first of all let's just get this out of the way before we go down this road any further tweet audio dot com I'm sure I shouldn't sponsor Oh tweet tweet. I do dot com is one of the new sponsors of the YKWD and the riot cast network go to

tweet audio dot com we We have a bunch of them coming here. I actually got appear these Kelly you're getting some of them. Yeah Shut up. I'm take I'm sending them back paper itself. Come on man. Tweak.io.com You can go they have seven style seven colors and Mike their non-might These are durable a noise reducing headphones using iPad iPhones and Roids Any any type of phone or MP3 device. They're really good headphones. They're cheap without even this ad, without even what we're gonna give you right now.

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Get them for friends and use this code, dude. 33% off. Twiekdaudio.com. Thank you so much for supporting our sponsors. And go to amazon.com, gayfly. But don't do it from your computer, from your browser, go to ryecast.com slash robber kelly and use the link from the ykwd site on ryecast and you'll actually be making us money so we can keep doing the show and paying kelly

and buying stuff for the not that we pay kelly anything but someday we hope to if you could. I didn't buy this coffee today, so. Amazon.com, go there and use it. Oh, God, that's me, sorry about that. I always ruins a nice plug. And if you guys are a gamer, go to GameFly.com from the link on our site. Use gamafly.com slash YKWD. Sign up for two free weeks,

and you get unlimited games out to your house. You don't have to buy them. It's the Netflix of video games. It's a great way if you're a video game motherfucker like me to not have to spend a shitload of money on games that you're just going to finish and be done within a couple months. This way you can use them, be done with them and get the new game, $9 a month, but you're going to get two weeks free. And you can't throw it any time. So do that. Go to our, go to our, go to our, say, if you're going to donate too, go to, uh, Rycast is a donate button. Heather Graves, thank you so much for donating once a month.

We've gotten all the shit in the studio, making the studio look good because of you and you, hopefully, uh, and that's it. With YKWD at Rycast.com if you have any questions, and check me out, robbercallylive.com for all my dates. There you go. What's happening, YKWD fans, did come see me live. Here's my dates for this month. So if you're in the area and you don't come and see me, you're an asshole.

And so is your girlfriend. So, here are the dates. For this month, we can come see me live at a comedy club near you. March 22nd and 23rd, I'll be at the comedy connection, East Providence, Rhode Island. March 22nd and 23rd, two nights only.

March 27th, 28th, 29th, and 30th. I'm gonna be in Cleveland at Hilarities Comedy Club. I can't wait to play this club I've heard nothing but great stuff about it. I've never been there my first time there so make sure you're living in Cleveland which I haven't been in three years. Last time I was there a skinny okay so make sure you buy tickets now April 4th 5th 6th and 7th I'm gonna be at the House of Comedy in Bloomington, Minnesota Last time I was there I was in the parking lot at 2 in the morning waiting for a shuttle bus in a fucking snowstorm

After I had to kick two guys out there could beat the shit out of me. So hopefully we have a better time this year. Hurrah two guys out that could beat the shit out of me. So hopefully we have a better time this year. Hurrah. Fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, house of comedy, Bloomington, Minnesota. Great club, great owners. So if you're in the area, spread the word. For the rest of my dates, go to robbercallylive.com,

hit the tour button, get my app on iTunes, it's free. And you can get all my tour dates when I'm coming in. You're the app is cool too. If you have an iPhone, you just turn the app on and if I'm within 100 miles of you, it will automatically tell you and give you an option to buy tickets, fucker. So make sure you check me out. Go to my website and find out when I'm coming to your area.

Get all your friends and family members and get some people you don't like and head on over to my fucking show. Thank you for being my friend. So do we what happened? Did he leave? Did he have anxiety attack? Oh good. I thought he left. I was like Jesus Christ. I was just kidding Phil. So Joe, you shit in your underwear because you thought you pulled your pants down. But I was before you quit drinking. Was it a sloppy poo? Or was it like a hard log? No, I didn't, I didn't, we were talking about the shitting in the shoes.

Yeah, I was a whole other than that. Can I ask you a question? But yeah, who shit their pants as an adult? Joe raised your hand, dude. I mean, I didn't shit my pants. I shit outside of my pants, but it was all the same. It's technically you shit your pants. Yeah, yeah, there was shit on my leg and on my pants.

That's called shitting your pants. It was shit on my pants. It was on the outside of my pants. Anything outside of the toilet bowl is shitting your pants. It's a raise your pants. It's a raise your pants. You've never shit your pants. I've never so raise your hands all over the kitchen. You've never shittin pants. I've shittin my pants.

Ever. Ever. Ever. You never had a little spot on your underwear. No, I sharded it. I've sharded my pants. The fuck is that? What are you doing?

The spot that turns into the fire. It's a little bit pungent. You know what I mean? That's shittin your pants. I think you're not getting this image out of my head. Can I have a ruling on that? Shit, you're getting c that. Shit, look educated. Did you have to change your pants immediately? Uh, yeah, I had to clean it out, scoop it out.

Oh, if this scooping involved, that was shit of it. Yeah, if this scooping involved, I think. Yeah, and I'm not an expert. I think if this scooping, it's a file of butt to shit. You're our expert. Oh, really? It's a sweater, man. So I guess I could. Yeah. I shit you're our expert. Oh Sweater man, so I guess

You did buddy Yeah Shit out of my ass. Yeah, you take some toilet paper and scoop it up Yeah, sure it's hard so I do that pretty frequently It's a lot of it's a lot of it. I had to charter booze and fast food have a bad head. I have a bad head. I have a bad head. I have a bad head. I have a bad head. I have a bad head.

I have a bad head. I have a bad head. I have a bad head. I have a bad head. I have a bad head. I have a bad head. I have a bad head. I have a bad head.

I have a bad head. I have a bad head. I have a bad head. I have a bad head. I have a bad head. I have a bad head. I have a bad head. I have a bad head.

I have a bad head. I have a bad head. I have a bad head. I have a bad head. I have a bad head. I have a bad head. I have a bad head. I have a bad head. a little bit like the tip of the top the top like this like give it a little kiss not a kiss of course that's gay a little suck gay joke the expert on this never be gayer than sucking a guy to completion he said you're the expert on this yeah yeah this is my jacket because I'm p-coat I don't there's there's actually a there's a woman in it. Do you guys even watch MMA? No. I don't really like it when it's on, but I'm not. What's your sport? I know.

I have all the sports that aren't, not in MMA. Like who, hockey, football, basketball? What are my wife's? What's your sport? I'm not in MMA. Well, I don't have a sports. I like all the sports. So my big sports guy, sports guy, if you want.

So, if you had a pick one, what are you? Which one's my favorite? Is that what you're asking? You dummy. Exactly what he asked. It's not exactly what he asked me. That means what your favorite fucking sport. No, we'll say what's your favorite sport. You like fucking one sport yet, fatty. No, I don't. I don't. All right. All right. Well, I just said what's your sport is a fucking implies that you like like one sport first of all you know like 60-year-old grandfather the catch on the city of the hoop first of all you'd be fatter if your mouth could fit more food

I couldn't think of anything to say I'm sorry I said fatter that's all right now very much no wonder sorry listen what I'm saying what what's your sport is a cool young hip way of saying my favorite sport? Yeah, I was in I like them all I'd like to pick one how's this crazy? I didn't know this was such a hard fucking question You shut the fuck up show

To be fucking question Speaking is like a few good men I'm glad that we're getting along. Yeah Finally, you've been shot. Yeah, I think it's just me and you next time You're not a vehicle. I know what your favorite sport is because I've been shot vehicle But I think in Spanish you can't I get angry. It's very bossy. I fucking Can we I like college football my favorite college football. Yes my my least favorite by the way anything college

Oh my god, I don't like college. I don't like hurrah. I don't like fucking Hot chicks and traditionally not hot They're not fucking hot. I'll take a chick a fucking a chick with a big nose in an art class and a community college over fucking Jewish cheerleaders I once infiltrated Yale for a year and I got all my friends That would be a bandana that was bandana already feel bad feel I don't feel bad Listen first of all it was close, but it was no cigar. Yeah, I- That's bad, because you guys just had your dumb moments,

you threw it on him. That laugh was about as sincere as fucking- He had this as invitation to a comedy club. Big smile on his face. Probably had a big smile on his face. What does that even mean? I don't know, man. That laugh, so let's just move forward.

Yeah, I don't even think that anyone knew what that meant. No, that was big point. That was big point. It's your real know. That's a smooth move. Yeah, I don't even think that anyone knew what that meant. No, that was a big point. That was a good point. All right. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing.

It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing.

It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing.

It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real thing. It's your real Christ. That's a damn good joke. Yeah, if we were together. Listen, first of all, if we were on a television show, it would be, but it's a radio show. Now you have to explain what the boots look like. They look like Ronald McDonald boots. They do not, they look like a man's shoes. That's what they look like.

Fucking man's shoes. Looks like I chop wood. My favorite. I had a thought and you fucking, like fucking man. It's like I chop wood. Sorry man. I had a thought. I had a thought and you fucking did, for, you know what? Football. So, all right.

All right, go ahead. I'm gonna go back. Save and pants. What's your favorite sport? Hoop. Spurps. I was trying to, I was trying to be specific. So you didn't get flipped out again.

Yeah, what do you mean by favorite sport, Bobby? What's your sport? Hoop. Hoop basketball. I answered Joe's sport? Hoop. Hoop basketball. I answer Joe's way. Hoop. Yannis is actually very good at the hoop. I play a little hoop. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, you're so you like basketball? I like basketball. I feel what's your sport? I like college football too. College football. Yeah. I don't know. Problem, Joe. He didn't do it for you. Kelly. I like watching the swimming. The what? The swimming. Rugby. You like swimming? Yeah, I love watching swimming. He said

sport. What's your favorite sport? No. I like watching IFO but I can never watch it because I'm not here. What is it? Australian rules. No one watches it. You guys would love it. It's fucking fast. I do me a favor. Go back to reading. Listen. Hey, like American stuff. I don't like college sports. I just guys would love it. It's fucking fast. I do me a favor. Go back to reading. Listen. Hey, I don't like American stuff. I don't like college sports. I just don't like it. I mean, I just, I don't get it.

I don't get. It's just the same shit. They run, they run, they run, they run, and then they pass maybe once. So NFL is now based on college football. Everything that NFL is doing is taking from college football. Yeah, but they're doing it. I think NFL is, I like it a little better because they do a lot of passing

and then there's a lot of running in college football. You have to know you're talking about 20 years ago. They started this whole past past past spread offense is all from a touch for I do. They started spreading it out first. They're going to do you think it's because there's not like a unifying tournament that makes college really that bugs me too. It's like bugs.

I don't understand. There this like 900 champion to it There's about to be a playoff. Yeah, Obama when he said that was gonna be like a playoff game His first term he said that was one of the things he wanted to do. Yeah, well get to it's happening. I mean He just cannot commit to anything that guy I can eat like I think other other stuff came up He did all of it. He killed well, but he killed fucking Osama bin Laden and then we got a great movie out of the Doorknob. Yeah college football is about to have a playoff system and okay, so so there's gonna be Well, there's gonna be one champion at the end of it. There'll be one well There's been one champion at the end the BCS champion. Oh, what the fuck is BCS? It's like the heavyweight this BBC

ABW beast there's nine fucking heavyweight champions That's why one national champion every year. So it's a national, who's the national champion right now? Um, Alabama annihilated Notre Dame. They didn't annihilate them. Yeah, they did. They went by five times. I know.

But that's been like, are you joking or were you, did you not know? No, I did. I watched the game. I'm an art game fan, so that was it. I love that was a dick move. No, they didn't annihilate them. It was like, no,, I did. I watched the game. I'm an other day in fan. So that was I love that was a dick move. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, they fucking did. I was kidding. But there's been a champion definitive champion for a long time and all the rules. There's still voting sort of interrupt,

but there is some discrepancy because coaches vote on the number. Who are the two? Number two voting involved in who's going to play? You can exactly. So there is some discrepancy. There's about to be a playoff system as well wait a minute so they vote Who the teams who plays in the fucking championship? That's part of it's a small percentage of it. Yeah, that sounds like a large fucking percentage of it No, no, it's a small percent so somebody can actually say are your teams going in and and yana system and if my team did it

Justice good because I didn't get voted in I don't get to go Um, not necessarily there's a huge there's a whole bunch of things taken in consideration as a whole computer system My team did it just as good because I didn't get voted in. I don't get to go. Not necessarily. There's a whole bunch of things taken in consideration. There's a whole computer system voting as one aspect of that. But now there's gonna be a playoff system as well. It's too complicated. It's very complicated. It's like boxing, all those fucking belts.

Yeah, that's probably just said that about three minutes ago. I know I wanted to say it's fucking... Do me a favor though, this is a good thing on the podcast. Talking on the microphone, you fucking lazy Greek cocksucker. I don't need this is you're gonna group me. I don't need it from here I need to right agree with Bobby. I only hear that Yes, college is fucking wind college hoops are weird too. Oh, I mean I won't even accept an argument that college the NBA is better than college I think I think college basketball is more exciting.

Absolutely. It's always a fucking barn burner. May I say that? Yeah, sure. It's always that. I get that at the end, but it's still, I don't know who the fucking champion, who the, there's one champion.

There's no more definitive champion than the March one champion. March Manus is the most perfect sport, sporting event. I think they actually call it livable. I think they actually call the team the national champion. So I think that one's on you, Bob. All right, here's the deal. I do take that because I went to a community college

and I was supposed to be an art teacher. And when I was supposed to be learning about sports, I didn't have a dad. I was out drinking and shitting my pants. Right. And getting beat up. When you punch, you shit. So I do.

Yeah. It's like two pounds at once. Dude, the visuals still in my head. And getting beat up when you punch you shit. So I do It's like two pounds at once to the visuals still my head Yeah, we used to play basketball. I learned how to play basketball in Juve Hall You did they called it know your coop with a hoop was actually Five feet off the ground and you just you could just jam it and but you anything was legal you could punch albo under the under whoever got the ball you could punch in albo people under the net they called it New York ball we were in Boston but they called it New York ball jail rules they called New York ball because people in New York are tough and you guys you know is that why that's what I don't know why Boston hates New York itork it's the same exact you guys will leave us alone to your bestest

we don't think about you at all you just you know you just started it you know you have a bit about how boston sucks yet what boston comics have a bit about new york i think i just got up to send you just uh... you guys and we're gonna you just let when you know that i don't get filled you call with us

uh... they're talking over each other bobby I wish you had a said something at the beginning. Thank you. The deonus not start that. But you are talking over him. Let him talk. Yeah, let me talk. And then you talk. Joe, you're off today.

No, he finished saying that. And then I started making the argument. He started talking. We can play this back. What's beautiful about this is that it's all recorded. He just started talking over me. No, I did. For sure, I was about to get into something and you jumped in.

Can I say something though? Yeah. I think New Yorkers in the past five years or 10 years since you started losing. The Yankees weren't the dynasty. You have in the sports teams aren't the, aren't the dynasties that they might have been a were. And we actually became championship town.

I mean, if you look at the statistically we have way more championships than you guys have in the overall four sports sports Seven and ten years yeah in the last ten years. Okay last ten years. We've been fucking killing it You've been doing great. You got our self-esteem is is a little different than yours because we didn't win for so long and then we've won so much that we're kind of grateful for it. It's like, you know, they have this thing and you have to see that the Brazilians, if the Brazilians come from money, they're very cocky and country fighters

and they expect everything and they want everything. But the ones that come from the favelas are just appreciative for whatever they get and they're really nice people. You guys are the cocky, country rich people that for whatever they get and they're really nice people. You guys are the cocky, country rich people that are expect everything and we're like, hey, thank you. We won.

We're good. But that's just your view of us. And plus I don't like that you guys all have gray skin. We don't have gray skin, New Yorkers. Yeah, Yankee fans do. No, that's your view of us because you come from a shitty moustaches. You come from a shitty city, so you look at us. What? You look at us like we're cockyy but really we're just happy you know what i

call that i feel the most beautiful city that's what we have on our license plate bobby kelly must be full city i call it boston and new york and they meet oh really with a dash of san franc exactly that the described my personality that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that i i i look at new i love new york i've been here i'm a New Yorker too, man. Of course you got to come here. I'm 15 years.

Yeah, I know you're new. I think anything over 10 years, you're a fucking New Yorker. You are. But there's no way you can trash Boston and the people in it. It's the same fucking people. I don't know. We're the same. If not better, because when we don't have as much shitty places.

I don't know. You ever notice that every movie about Boston is about some guy trying to get out of Boston look it's not buffalo let's just put it that way it's not buffalo it's like ripe above buffalo look man

it's every movie is about salty which annoys me because Boston is not just a bunch of fucking pale Irish guys trying to rob people with construction boots and Irish faces right it's not that. It does a lot of Boston's a beautiful town, right, Joe? It's unbelievably beautiful. It's one of the most beautiful towns in America. The best colleges are there, the best hospitals are there.

Keep going. A lot of the best politicians are from there. Keep going. And best chocolate is made in Boston. The best baseball park is there. Best chocolate. It's a locking city. Best hot dogs.

I just feel like when you get the oldest bars and restaurants. Actually, statistically, the prettiest women in the country come from Boston. Freedom trail? Yeah. How do you just be out here? I was about to say. The chocolate thing is a lie.

I read the most real girls. The most beautiful girls come from Australia. The USS County. Yeah. You got my back. Yeah, without us, you wouldn't find, where would you be? What? Without Boston, you'd be nothing. We'd be you wouldn't fight where would you be what without Boston? You'd be nothing we'd be jet fine

You all nice fucking Dutch we'd be going to the angelica we'd be watching like foreign movies We would be getting to fight till the time like a drunk on the street We would a fucking fight We'd be doing sophisticated shit like eating like a French restaurant We're using a fork being in big buildings, you know what I mean? Oh, that's what New Yorkers are known for eating in French restaurants. Yeah, you know There's a lot of stuff to do here. You know what I'm saying a lot of good manners over in Bedford, Stuyverson

I think that whoa that was a little racist wasn't typically Boston. I think that actually Boston has better food than New York I'll say it. I said it. It's out there. Yeah, Boston is all boiled, but Did you just say Boston has better food than New York? let me repeat what I said so you can hear me okay Boston as Better food than New York. I believe This is not true better Chinese food Why is it better Chinese food there is a big it's Polynesian Chinese food. It's just better It's never you ever go to a little place called Chinchin or Mr. Chow's or I don't know five star restaurant Chinese stuff that's here Yeah, I don't like I like I'd rather take Boston Boston Chinese food the rice is different. Yeah, everything's different

You get booze after hours there. Yeah, well, I don't know about that. I'm fucking sober 28 years But yeah, whatever Joe I Yeah, I don't I think it's better food. I just taking cheeses better uh... i don't uh... i think it's better food i think she's is better staking she's so you're talking about like the the street food is better the the regular fucking restaurants in boston the cheaper and it's it's better food what do you how do i can how do we say that that's not true how do we you say

into the microphone that's that's not true that's not true but like dynar food and is just the best time the best food is in in this country is in New York. You're out of your fucking San Francisco is number one. No, it is not. Chicago beats fucking New York. No, it is. It's a pizza. Pizza sucks. You're crazy. Like, I think, look at me. Who knows food? You talking about cheese sticks. I'm talking about fine dining. People that didn't come from from where they go to eat. First of all, you don't go there either. All right, you have a bringer on Wednesdays and Brooklyn. You're not making fucking thousands.

I'll just say. But Melody need to like to find more. You need to find more about the food. Why New York? Because New York has more of a diverse array of food. There's no French fucking chef from Paris being like, you know what I'm gonna go to Boston. Yeah, you know the rest.

No, there's not. Like, are you getting like Vietnamese and Korean and like, what was the first name? What was the first name? Food in Boston. What? Did I, I'm sorry, did I cut that off? No, I was just gonna be like,

Vietnamese, Vietnamese. Oh, Vietnamese. Yeah, Vietnamese. I'm sorry, I didn't, I'm sorry. Like Vietnamese. I have an accent, yeah, be it to me. Yeah, I'm fat the maze. I'm sorry. I didn't I'm sorry like a bit of mayonnaise I have an accent on us. I know you do He's the crush I think that Boston has great French restaurants. It has great in a culture. There's a lot of culture in Boston Yeah, I'm so fucking lily a lot of hard-hart jacket

It's a but of culture in Boston. Yeah, perhaps a fucking lily. A lot of car heart jack. But it's their own culture. I'd say if here's the deal. No one else's. A lot of factories. There's no factories. Pull a voice from South-East. Fuck you. Fuckin' I'm out of my fuck you.

It's not the industrial revolution asshole. It's not like their maples, huh? Listen, yeah. There's a shit. There's a lot of production jobs up there. Yeah. They're making blankets and low old Massachusetts It's not your fault. Look here's the deal you guys are obsessed with us when you won the Super Bowl What the fuck when you won the Super Bowl you had a parade you started chanting fuck the Yankees

That's what happened not even true. That happened. Did one of the Super Bowls? I saw it. I saw it in the news It's like Boston. Prove it leave us alone, dude We have it Boston treats New York. Here we go. Boston treats New York like we used to. Oh, I can take care of him right now. Go ahead. Joe, what do you want to say? I didn't have it. I was at the parade. You can't Larry. Larry Izzo, who's not from Boston,

started chanting Yankee's suck, not fuck the Yankee. All right. Same shit. Same shit, Joe. Yankee's suck. They started chanting. Larry Izzo. Hang on. I'll turn them down for you. Joe, go ahead. Larry Izzo started it. He's not even from Boston. Some fucking Boston. Two Boston dudes collaborating right now. Janki suck they start chanting I'll turn them down for you Joe go ahead Larry is Some fucking boss to Boston dudes collaborating right now. That's fucked up. Yeah. I'm a New Yorker, too All right, well let me play some to you. Let me just say this There's boss land treats New York like we used to date back in the day and like we moved on with our life And became somebody like a model and Boston just obsessed with us

I want it. I just want to say boss. Hey, I'm good Just date Philadelphia you guys got a lot in common. Oh Forever don't piss off Philly fans, please I'm just saying a lot of Philly people listen to the show Then they can hate me like you said Bobby Yeah, I love I'd love to be in bed with Philadelphia Philly sucks to man. I'm not pretend like Phil is a fucking classy town. Go ahead, go. First of all, Philadelphia, another tremendous city.

Very similar to Boston, I agree. Yeah, history. Oh, God, the history in there. You're doing your analogy that Boston, we dated, Boba, and we can play this, but everyone's listening to this. You started this whole thing, and by the way, have done a bit of yours, a bit that you go to about how Boston sucks, which by the way, you a bit of yours a bit that you go to about how

Mosston sucks which by the way you've pepped it all bit throughout the thing and it's bought in the whole thing is well to see the audience and who's talking over who by the way now you're talking over because you guys are impolite here and you brought it up you brought this whole thing up we're two Boston guys that moved here I don't think either of us would argue that New York's not a better city It's a beautiful city just you're a better city. No, you can't accept that you're a better city I'll say it a million times. I moved here. I mean, I can't say just say it. I want to hear you say I've said it five times You wouldn't heard me say if you weren't talking over me. You dumb fucking New Yorker with no fucking man Manors. Yeah Joe

Joe You've had a lot of mayonnaise though. You know you man is though You get mayonnaise at a fucking diner for your french fries and you get embossed No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, We didn't marry the model, but we found somebody nice and had some kids and we got a fucking two-decker and my mother lives in the basement. We're happy. We're fucking happy. We got good food, we got good friends and family, and we have Christmas, and we celebrate things, and you're still out there. Gorgeous looking for somebody. You got nobody. Nobody wanted to fucking marry you. We got Paris, we got Tokyo.

Yeah, you fucked a date you every once in a while. We get international pussy. While you're sitting there with Philly, fat, eating a cheese day watching the game with your kids screaming in the background, we are a jet set. Yes, go ahead. How about this? Woody Allen, then his last five movies in Europe,

even Martin Scorsese, where did he win his first best director? Boston. Yep, Boston. You fucking know those guys bailed on you. That's because Boston has become the new, tough white guy to put in films. It used to be mafia guys. So white guys can fantasize in case there's a race war.

Italians will say to them. Now it's Irish kids from Boston. I wonder why they- I wonder why they- That's not, but I put it in because it's brilliant. I just killed- I wonder why that is though. Why would somebody make Boston, highlight Boston

for being the cool place? Because it's tough white guys. That's the only place where tough white guys still are. Like fuck yo, yeah, Mottie, we're from South, they would kick some fucking ass, those guys. Mm-mm. I want to know how Canada feels about this. As the kind of tough city from Canada, I'll take the tour.

Yeah, I mean, well, I'm a big fan of New York. I mean, I live here, so I love New York, but I've only been to Boston once, but it was nice. I thought better restaurants for four championships ten years. Seven, seven, seven, seven. That's a big change. But that's very well. I think I like Phil better than there. I get that a lot. He's got to be corporate. Well, no, he doesn't.

He'll fucking turn on you in a second. I agree with Joe, not because he's from Boston. You know what, and I agree with all the Philly fans that I'm going to throw batteries at your fucking face next time you do your little show. Oh, well, Philly's an amazing city. I love Philly. I love Philly. I quit your grade, an amazing city. I love Billy. I love Billy. I'm quite great, dude.

I love Billy's amazing. I was just in Philly. You got a four, five black radius that you can enjoy in Center City. It's beautiful. Yeah. I've also said this about Philadelphia. People like this, it's very diverse.

It's not diverse. It's black and white. There's no diversity in Philadelphia. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. It's literally just black and white. But it's such a beautiful, and they love each other too.

They get along so well. Brutally love. Well, you know what what you never hear the N word in bars on Sundays when the games on that never happens That's you my only complaint about the city Yeah, just do some more stereotypes of other No, a lot of Mexicans in LA. Whoa. You're really going out of limbs here Well, yes, they he'll be asked to worry about playing two cities. Right no, you're in Miami Playsie does Where you just didn't mean town I know it wasn't being you're in Boston. I don't think they'd welcome me now after this podcast No, I like ball. I like ball

I like the thing the best things about Boston are things that are not indigenously Boston You like what do you mean Harvard the hospitals the things where goodwill hunting would that's a fantasy there's no kid from south-e who's ever gonna go to Harvard that was a true story that was a true story they based that on this kid named fucking Joey McIntyre yeah really he was looking on the block by the way any good comedians coming out of Boston recently that because it's such a shit hole So they're depressed they got to learn how to tell good summer of funniest

You guys are hilarious. Yes, some of the funniest and I'm leading the charge for New York to take that shit I think Sam are real leading the church You guys need to stop you guys need to stop doing leaner fucking microphone shows and put some effort into your jokes Stop pontificating on stage and jerking it. You know, the banks, man. Listen, now Boston, the funniest comics have come out of all. It's insane how many good we're very funny, very funny. How many how many comics have come out of Vancouver? Who is from Vancouver that we know? Not counting yourself because you're not that good yet. I'm trying to think of every particularly Vancouver. There's great comics in Vancouver, but most of the people have moved to Vancouver. You know what really

fucked me up about your comedy scene up there? And it happened a year or so ago is the guy who got banned from doing comedy. I was doing like shows every single night in Vancouver when that happened. I had never seen that guy. I had never heard of him until that went down and it was presented like, oh this is local Vancouver comedian. For one, he was from Toronto for two. I'd never saw him anywhere. So it was kind of misrepresented. Well, here's the thing though, that it was the beginning of all the shipping. I mean, two years ago, it was the beginning of all of the stuff that happened to Treysey Morgan and then with Dane

and where people, an average square could be in the crowd and say something and everybody takes it for face value and doesn't understand it and this guy got sued for $20,000. The club got sued. Yeah. Let me explain me back up. I've talked about this a long time ago on the podcast but just for people who haven't heard this.

A guy's on stage, whatever, open mic. It wasn't a professional, you know, like a show. It was a regular comedy show. He's on stage, two lesbians in the audience, heckling him, you know, he's telling him to shut up. They say, shit back to him. He says, shit back to them. Like, what happens at a club?

She had said something to him, like, I'll fucking break this bottle and slice your throat. Something like, he was like, fuck you, you dic, blah, blah, blah, whatever. Trying to be funny, but trying to deal with a heckler. They went, now believe me, I don't know what was said, allegedly, this has all been said. I don't know the specifics,

I don't have the fucking court documents, but I think that's what happened. They went to the, in Canada, they have human resources. Yeah, it was, and this is the only time that it's ever happened, but yeah, it was like the human rights tribunal. Okay, yep. And, yeah, yeah. They went and complained about this comedian. And number one, the girls, a woman, okay, and number two, lesbian.

You have a little clout walking in as far as being, you know, women have been abused and gays have been abused, so, you know, you got the double-decker coming in and I was abused by this fucking white guy, honest to God. This white guy said some mean shit about us and fuck him. And that's not what happened. They they banned they they sued him for 2001. Yeah, correct. I believe I On I stopped following like I yeah, I believe that's what happened because I think there was there was like fun Like people they were trying to get comics to do fun raises and stuff like that. Yeah, 20th

We're like we don't even know this dude Like that it was honestly and I completely missed the point the whole thing for me I was just like because they were like Vancouver, local community and all the stuff. And I was like, I've been here for like six years. I've never met or seen or heard. So well, he's they shoot him for $20,000, which is crazy. And then they they he's banned from doing comedy in British Columbia. That's insane, dude. That's I don't care if you know him. You don't know him if he's a comic or not. Yeah something happened to us in

Canada where Imagine your fight that you got into if those people went and complained and lied or said something that they didn't do anything And and you did this and then they banned you from doing comedy in New York City It's insane and you had to go to Boston to be a comedian. God, that'd be great. Like when Yannis. I'd love to. Oh, God, you.

I guaranteed fake and access two weeks in. Fucking clock suck is crazy up here, huh? It's good to be back, kid. I'm Yannis fucking papis. And this is Mauricia, Fag, and I'll stand your homo. Okay, you're right, fuck deck clock sucker. I'm not doing that horror again. She's a fucking spit clock sucker and likticker.

Ha ha ha. Like dickhead. It wouldn't even let me do it. We named this episode likticker? Yeah, I write that down. Like, so likticker. Ha ha ha. You're right, kid.

She's a whole lot. It's like, we know, you punched that girl So, lick dicker. You're right, kid. She's a whore. It's like, wait, no, yeah, you punched that girl out, y'all. And it's like, no one had ever known the story behind it. Just like, a guy punches a chick in the face. And we're like, what? Let me turn her mic down for a second. Go ahead, Joe. Bobby just said that exact story.

That's what just happened. She was writing down there. The podcast. Literally what we've been talking about I mean exactly I mean I don't know if she said it like I'm fucking lost in New York she had his book that's what happens when you only allow her to half participate Jesus she's giving all the money can say whatever she want he's fucking giving her tasks treat her like a goddamn well there's not a task is she what is she dumb? She's taking pictures. She's doing like three people's jobs. Oh, shut up. Jesus Christ. I love when you're here, you know

Do you really? Okay, yeah, I'm talking on you with Boston. Thank you Better you got them you put a soda on me. I'll do she right up Soda had a fucking career to leave me for all right you got a fucking you got a pen and a piece of paper and an apron Around 17 big pens Dog on Boston I mean I've never been there for say I mean don't don't you think though for people go to make it big Don't you think that that didn't that didn't that fuck you guys up there that that happened. Yeah, it was outrageous. And I know the restaurant, like I played the restaurant and I know it was like, it was a brutal place.

Always, you know, people would just go up there and bomb. Like it was just one of those places that had comedy shows and you're like, this isn't the place to do comedy, like it just. But yeah, but I never saw the correlation between that and what you were saying about Tracy Morgan and all. Do you think that that? Well, look man, yeah, as soon as that happened

and that was brought up, I mean, gaze, you said, you can't say, you're supposed to be able to say whatever you want in this creative, fucking platform that we're once we're on stage and we're trying to find the funny, you're supposed to be able to take that route and go where it goes Because we're the I don't know where funny is sometimes you go ahead

Nothing okay, I saw fall in the air It's not over here It sounds like I just made fun of myself because I couldn't see me pointing Wow, so fucking hates me. He's doing a lot of visual. Like you very much. You do, right? I came in. I was so happy to see you. You've been off since the beginning. No, I don't even know if I want you to ignore my text anymore.

You know what I mean? That's how I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that.

I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. Before you came in did somebody give you like a pep talk about the show To it you fucking game in the bandana for it. That's how I got the bandana Why would you give me see like a really nice guy? Very nice and then you said you gotta be a Nick head as soon as you walk in Kelly's gonna look at you Once the eyebrow goes up you stop shooting. You don't wait for him to shoot. You'll be dead Phil he's like, oh, I got it. Now look at me. You're American now. You're not kidding You have to fight like an American what dead. Phil! He's like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, I was I was missing foreign Bobby and I'm glad we got we got pass that Fucking asshole

Don't give do me a favor don't give pep talks just live Phil come in he's fine To say the least fucking he's playing He did come in like that you know you fucking warned I'm gonna come in shootin come in shootin. It's crazy. Everyone's ball brave Bobby's just a bit Look at me in the eye can film Look at me Everyone's ball-bray-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-bobby-b Night the ball You're you're act out of him was the same fucking character you gave me every time I'm here Bobby almost dies once Propaganda you gave us both the same character you like this is Phil talking to Joey Get in there, Kady and the best sorry

I'm talking to Phil up right citizen brigade tomorrow so I can work on my characters go fuck I have two characters this guy and then me that's it and they're very similar I'm not fucking Janice. I don't have outfits Fucking asshole Jesus Christ. I like to I said is the put the fuck I want to call this podcast ninth of all I told the film in the pot in the pep talk right around the hour and 48 minutes mark it gets a funny Right around the hour and 48 minutes mark it gets funny Joe do you really hate me do you upset? You know you're

Made or forget the earth day by the way Don't go on to anger though when Joe gets angry like he'll won't say for an hour and everything's fine Then you'll mention it and out later what happened that made it typical Irish shit holding in let it out No, we're from Boston typical Boston. I wish people Boston can we do you have kids? The silence scoring your children. I'm not having kids. You're not gonna have kids. I feel bad about the most thing What's the mouth? Oh your mouth? You don't want to pass that straw mouth on bad teeth. I can't do it. You don't get bad teeth. You got okay teeth. You got horrible teeth It's not bad. What's wrong with your mouth? Sorry to interrupt. What's wrong with your mouth? Small I brought up on my own accord that I have like a small mouth, which is not really noticeable

You probably never noticed that. No, I've never noticed that. Yeah, brought it up my own thing And these guys just ran with it because we get these small coaks for Joe It's not what we're trying to be chic European Does the only thing that're fitting his mouth? The regular one was dead. Oh, is that an ongoing thing? Yeah, it's been ongoing. But I brought it up on my own thing.

It was fun. I didn't notice until I started doing this podcast right, Ben. I know I noticed it. Now I can't look at him without thinking about it. I never noticed it, because when you tried to open your mouth, like, ah, ah, yeah, like the dentist hates him. He's got a tiny mouth.

Look, it's a tight fit. When you did that, when you tried to open, like the dentist hates him. He's got a tiny mouth, look. When you did that, when you tried to open, when you, it looked okay. I've never noticed that. I don't think you ever tried to do like smoke rings, they just look like Cheerio's going in the air. Yeah, like when the dentist goes, ah, he's like, fuck, could you please open your mouth wider?

He's like, no. They got to clamp it open. Unhinged you like a snake. By the way, couldn't you let his bomb just sit out there for a second? That sure you ever got nothing. It was a good joke though, I deserved some. It wasn't bad, I liked it.

Yeah, it was pretty bad. That's why it didn't give me the fucking bandana, because it was just, yeah. No, because she interrupted the bomb. With a bomb, I had another bomb. I fucking stumbled through my mouth, little mouth joke, too. What you settle down, let me take it.

Yeah, we're holocaust. You actually stepped on me getting the bandana. You're fucking impatient, nervous, and lonely. We just shared it, yeah. Someone make a joke. All right, listen, man. Oh, god, damn it. God, damn it.

Well, anyways, I think that... I think it was just scary when that happened. And then Tracy Morgan happened. I don't know, I think Tracy Morgan, what he said, was ridiculous. But you have to be careful now Everybody in their mother has an a what was 10 years ago cost you three thousand dollars and had to go to You know be an h to buy and learn how to use a video camera

It's in your they've dummy proved it to where it's in your pocket you hit a button. You got high-deaf Video right in your pocket and you can record it and look, there's no way that, I always see one on my stage, people with their phones out record video, and we're gonna stop every fucking joke, dude, can you put that away? That's not my, now you have to worry about what you say, because whatever you say, if you go off

on a tangent some night, or somebody pisses you off and you say you fucking cunt, and you're famous or on a PG-13 show, or you have a network and they show a video of on TMZ going, you fucking cunt, shut the fuck up or you punching somebody in the face, you're done, the career's over.

Or do you want somebody at every club that goes around and takes people's care? Absolutely, I've stopped before and said, can you not take it? Yeah, because I don't want if, and my stuff always hits really, really hard, Bobby, but if it, if it joke bombed, or if you tried something new,

or whatever, it'd be so funky to have that, and that's what people put on YouTube. Yeah, because you don't know where the funny is yet, you might say something that bombs, and someone might take offense to it. I got in trouble, not in trouble. Someone took offense to my, I did a,

you know, my half hour special. I did some fat shit, like I'm fat. And I was as big as I am now. And the lady said, I mean, this big long let you know, you know, you should be ashamed of yourself. I have a sister that's obese. You're not even heavy.

And you're, and it was like, what? This person was mad at me, because I'm not fat enough. That's like crazy shit. You'll always find someone to fucking say something. It's people getting angry on behalf of someone else. That's where it's always the worst. And Matt Tracy Morgan thing, I don't think there's any footage

or any recording of what he said at all. There's nothing out there. That was a video tape of it. I've seen the video tape of Tracy Morgan, wasn't it? Yeah, I thought it was, and I thought it was just recorded. No, no, there was video tape of it. I don't think you can, I don't think you can say, there was video tape of it.

Are you sure? Oh, that particular performance, I know. You know what, I could be sure if Kelly has that iPad. Yeah, I know, it's something that's won't work. It's, I'm sorry. I know, I've been trying all hour and a half, and it's just, it's out.

But I don't know, I'm pretty sure, like, that was a big thing. You know what, though, if you went to twig.io.com and bought some headphones for your iPhone, you just hit that button. That is a long, long bow buddy, but well done. Nice. You use the code word dude, you get 33% off. That was nice, nice, nice segment.

Thank you. The, yeah, I think that the, there was actually a video video i remember seeing it it was audio or video something is recorded and it was because i remember hearing it going off of uh... fuck but even so the fact that you can be strung around this country for for group

i love gay people i love gay rights i'm for it get married but if you use now you can't you have to be worried to say gay joke and the more popular you, now you have to be wary to say a gay joke, and the more popular you are, the more you're in danger of, you know, that makes us filtered. That makes us not want to say shit. That sets us back 50 years to making everybody happy, everybody like our shit. And because you don't know what the fuck's going to happen to you on stage. No, it's dangerous. It's a slippery slope. It's that fascist tendency that creeps in, you know, and you always gotta fight that. It's like what I was saying with four people,

people getting angry and we're half for someone else. So now it's like bullying, where it's like, hey, we can't live bullying happening. We gotta stick out for our other people. But it kind of crossed over some weird line where people aren't listening. Yeah, but there's a thing like that. Imagine like that time, speaking of's a thing like that time,

speaking of not listening, like that time, still making a person who'll be treating him. And Brooklyn, when that girl ran up and punched you, like, imagine you just got banned from New York for that. Yeah, I've said that. I said that, how you kidding? Of course I'm kidding, you fucking asshole. Jesus.

Oh man. Some of these are clearly not my fault. Joe, I wonder if it's the time of you. Oh man, some of these are clearly not my fault Joe I wonder was way to you should that was it's the time. He set up Joe past that already I don't I fucking love you no matter what do not fucking get in the arm with you buddy I love see the cluster today He's because usually he's just knocking out of the park like Jordan today's like a Kurt Webber It's a shitty crowd. He's got a hustle for walls. I really do. I think it's a bad fucking crowd I think I know shine by handly to be honest with you

That's something that everyone in this room. Yeah, I feel out shine by I think you just brought in your replacement I think you're a little nervous about it. Dan and Joe I'll replace them both How are you doing about doing some bad voices? Yeah, no, I don't do. What's your match or man line line line? I've seen Dan's match or man's incredible. Yeah, all right, let's make it, Caroline. Oh, yeah.

Who can't do that? Who can't find? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You want to go and get beaten up. Yeah, I know too much of an Indian right there. All right, well listen, I don't think we're gonna, we're not trying to solve any problems here,

but I just was, that freaked me out. That Canadian shit freaked me the fuck out. I can't believe it happened in Canada, man. And no, right? That's more of like a something you'd think would happen in San Francisco or something like that. Why San Francisco? Just because I, you gotta be, everyone's very, you know.

Vancouver's really PC. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because San Francisco's very PC in that way. Yeah Well, I think it's very granola and Vancouver particularly that neighborhood. Yeah But yeah, there's like it is it is looking at my text Bobby Bobby respond. Hello Yeah, he's doing a podcast right now. He can't fucking talk. Will you stop calling? Who is that?

It's fucking the number one comedy club in New York City voted by four people. He's a people, Bobby. All right, your raspy deep Italian voice that's all. He'll be there in a couple minutes to headline the 20 minutes. He's got a good bye, Chris. That's Chris from the stands been fucking calling you.

What do you got to fucking do? You got to head on this one. They just got voted number one comedy club in the city. Small comedy club, a new comedy club. No, number one comedy club. No, well apparently club a new comedy club. No number one comedy club No, well apparently you fucking work for them don't you kind of do? Yeah, well you're sitting atop the number one comedy club Voted by the fucking people well with a people's champ over here at the comedy seller I don't think this club's or I think it's the comics that make the clubs good

So really sellers good because of the comics okay? Well apparently the stands good because of the commerce too. Yeah. Well, I'm there. Lots of that. There you go. I just pulled a hand. Phil.

I feel like Joe's just pissed. No, Joe's not pissed. Joe, you okay? I'm fine. Yeah. I got to get going soon. I'm on a different club. Yeah, we're going to go club.

What club are you at? Oh, funny. You should ask. I'm at Stand Up New York car lines and the comedy seller tonight. Wow. Oh, look at it. Talk about pulling a hand. Thanks, everybody. You don't work those three clubs. What are you doing at Caroline's? Um, I love it. Well, congratulations, Joe. Thanks, but I only want the best for you. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Y'all. I appreciate it. I love your, I love your city. Y'all. That's what you got, man. Let's, let's, let's, he's fucking not gonna let it go. He's not letting these guys, man. I love your city. Yannis. What do you got man? Let's Let's put him in. He's fucking not gonna let it go.

Dude. He's not letting this guy. He's gonna love your city. What are you guys talking about? Yeah, yeah, it's sarcastic. Yeah. I'm not being sarcastic. New York, I was gonna say you're not gonna leave this. You're not leaving this podcast. Hey, the best. It's the best city in the world and I moved here and it's I think it's a crazy to make an argument that there's a better city than this one. There you go. Thank you. I think the argument that Boston is sucks is just more insane, though, but that's because you're from there you got to defend it boston doesn't stop the beautiful so that's a great city that's a great silly wonderful place and you hate philly too right no no they're both really

really really great and you said my amy's full of specs yeah that's i think this girl was full of fact that was weird being said that guys that was off air, you wrote that on the table and you know And then you drew a little little little Miami little thing on the map Yes, do your St. Louis is filled with N words bit Yeah, go do the we get it Jews bit do that one Can I get my phone? Oh what a douche ass or his phone so we can find out what he is to plug He's got so much stuff in there. He does have a lot. I love man That's why we do this show you me came in for nothing

Oh, you didn't just plug your three fucking spots tonight to try to rub them in my face. I got two spots Okay, this podcast isn't coming up. He's two weeks ago. Yeah, there were two weeks ago You asked where I was working rub it in your face. That's very, very self-sign, that you think, what I say it has to do with you. I'm with him. I just can't figure out your energy today, Joe. You were all over the place. You're fine.

I don't know. I thought you were serious. I didn't know you were joking, because you're joking. You know what you're gonna be? It's hard to tell what your jokes are today. I know what you're gonna be. I hope April 22nd at the Creek and the Cave. Earth Day show.

I'll be there. It's gonna be a big one. I'll be there. It'll be a hot one. I'll be there for you, Joe. Don't blow me off now. I will not play you guys good. Yeah, I'm good I should take a big gritty Allen with you. Huh? I'm gonna take a missing out of one of my favorite people in the world. You get in one of my fate. I go to Allen Yeah, get the fuck change my life. What day? I'm on days. I go to usually have to follow Goldman

I always ask about the crowd is I just have to follow D's the follow. That was just me going up after me. Dude, he was seeing Mike D's the follow. Yeah. And he died. I must have fucking been weird when he died. That was weird for everybody. Yeah, no bad.

I wasn't Rick Shapiro following you. Rick Shapiro came out one day before me. And I actually was like, can I just come back in an hour? Because Shapiro's come on sweaty. Fucking grabbing. Alan is the best dude. He is so good at his job. He really is. He really is just good And he has he knows what he's doing. He just loves what he does for all you people know the a lot of comments Go to the same therapist in New York City and he's from the Lower East side fucking. He's crazy himself him and his wife to therapy and they do it on a scale

and he's crazy himself, him and his wife to therapy, and they do it on a scale. So that means, if you don't know that means, I can pay for it and Kelly can pay for it at the same time. Depends on what you make. I could, I pay, yeah, it's the same thing for me. Speaking of which, I went last time, I didn't see Beverly like once a month now and the last one went there, her coffee cup was Jessima's

coffee cup. Yeah, my girlfriend goes to see his wife, which is funny because sometimes we'll go together and she'll be right next door. Yeah, and it's like, my wife goes to see his wife, which is funny because sometimes we'll go together and she'll be right next door. Yeah, and it's like, my wife used to go to, but she stopped going. We actually did couple therapy once and then she started crying

and I was like, I'm not doing this again, fuck, that's unfair. For me to cry after, I have to see a baby BB headed and kicked in the cunt. And you just cry and once my wife cries, I'm done, you win, I don't care if I catch her. And once my wife cries, I'm done, you win. I don't care if I catch her, suck in some of these dick. I must have did something wrong if she's crying.

I'm sorry, but you know, there's no need to think around. I just get very sad. So I was like, we need to just go separate. And then she stopped going, because she's fucking okay. What she's seeing Beverly too? She was seeing Beverly out. And then I made Alan switch rooms too. He took me into the, he has this dark fucked up room

with shitty depressing art from a former client and I painted him a painting because he was like you should start doing you should hobby get a hobby And I was like well, I'll paint. I used to paint. All right. That's good I painted him my first painting and I gave it to him. No, where no way to be seen? No And then I made him put it up It's in if you go in the three heads, in the hallway across in the bathroom, fucking RK. That's you?

I made him put that up. I can't, I don't remember, I can't remember, but I will look. I'll bring down your expectations, it's not fucking Picasso. But how did you make him put it up? You were like, look, put my, I said, fucking, when you get this depressing ass holding up, I was like, put my fucking R'd up.

I painted that for you. And there's a Gerrero It'll put it up. It's at the house. Relax. Yeah, I see us politely. So anyways, I made him switch rooms to him back to the sunny room with windows. He only does one room doesn't not need more motherfucker. You make him go to Beverly's room. That's not Beverly's room. That was his room to begin with. She switched it up. and now I go because that room has that room is nice Yeah, it was it's got a sun coming in. It's a bigger room. I went in the first day back We went in the other room for a year the first day back. I got tears right yeah We brought up some shit and it came on I'm like see I'm crying. I'm like isn't this a better room? I can fucking open up more in here because the sun and Jesus He's got me crying a few times. I like what he does he hand you the tissues when you start to go like that but have you made him cry no I've done that what tears up hey oh oh you said no no you

are I've seen him get tear you got to go the bathroom I got to go the bathroom go it also all right let's wrap this up go to the bathroom and come back Joe but we do you plugs real quick uh Aprilth and the Creek in the cave 22 earth day benefit Janice pompus Ted Alexander Gary Gellman. Yes special guests Good cause and At Joe list comedy all right go I go to the bathroom. I love you all all right cut and in Janice Oh, it's my turn. Yeah, okay

I'd love it if you guys guys come out if you're listening to Miami improv from the 15th to the 17th Chicago from 22nd to 24th of March Hollywood improv April 4th Ontario improv April 56th Irvine on the 7th Pittsburgh 19th to the 21st and Hartford Funnybone on May 3rd to the 5th thank you guys and so you work in the improvs now a couple of minutes just you it's uh no and so you're working the improvs now a couple of that's just you it's No, no, it's me and the characters both characters and me will be there. Okay, okay, great. That's great. They're good for you Thanks me so that means Aaron loves you. I don't know if she loves me She's like she knows I'm doing numbers. So I guess she's like I will give it a go

But good for you. That's good. She's a good. She's a good broad. All right, you know, that's good that you're gonna work in all the clubs I'm getting on the road, which is good You know get it out there get it out there man. Let people get more fans. That's great. Yeah, Phil Where are you gonna be buddy? I will this wind is this come out this coming out? Yeah, oh the 18th. Oh, okay. I was gonna plug something for the 13th It's already happened buddy Starrow it already happens. What do you have the 13th? What happened on the 13th? Did it go well?

Where was it? It went really well. It was at the punch line in San Francisco, and I was headlining, and it was kind of a big deal for me. You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what?

You know what? Phil, here we do it. Ready? Yeah. We'll do a little promo after this, that we'll put in front of this Mondays. Oh, that's wicked. How's that? That's really cool. I love this one of my favorite clubs in the world. Yeah,. Oh, that's wicked. That's really cool.

I love this one. My favorite clubs in the world. Yeah, same. It's so good. What's in it? Molly. Molly, yeah. When you tell her I said hi.

I will for sure. And I'll tell her that you plug it on the... Please. And yeah, she's awesome. They don't use me anymore. Something happened with that club. And it might be my agents or something happened. Weird.

But I used to play. They want to hear. At that once a year at that club. I like that club because it's like New York. But Tyler, I still, she's the best, she's awesome. It's a great, one of the greatest clubs in the country. Yeah, it's that club favorite in the state. So we'll do a little plug-out to that. Oh, sweet, cool.

So all these people who listen in San Francisco, make sure you go see him. You make sure you saw him by the time you heard this. Kelly, what do you got? I've got a new website coming out, calivistsiga.com, but also I'm going to be in the Jersey City Comedy Festival in the first week of April. Great. And then follow the handles, the WKWD podcast, handles on Facebook and Twitter for photos and videos. I want to get a photo of Joe before he leaves. So he's got to go. Let him go. We'll get a photo of Joe before he leaves. He's got to go. We'll get a photo of us. That's fine.

We'll just throw Joe in. Bye, Joe. Bye, Joe. Bye, Joe. Bye, everybody. Thanks for having me. I love you. Is this my con?

Yeah, it's on. They're all on. I keep my line. Hi, guys. Take it easy, Joe. Guys, thanks for coming on. Y'all, thanks for coming in. Thanks for having me.

Phil, it's good to have you in. Oh, thank you very much. Next time, I'm sorry that I gave you some fucking robe pep talk. It's coming here firing. Yeah, you know, shooting. You just come in. Yeah, I was missing forms. That's all right. You I think we worked it out. I feel we worked very funny, man. Oh, thank you very much. I was I was super excited to be here. So yeah, man, please come back. All right. And Kelly. Kelly. Hi, mate. All right. Enough with him. Let him go. No, I was telling you if you need to hand freeze I have show that I'll help me out with stuff that he needs

So nice, you know, can you do that fucking you're one of the nicest people you two your guys are Fuck up, y'all listen Joe see you later, my Joe. Please Joe. All right, Joe, Joe, just leave. You're fucking, I'm just opening. Bend over you fucking giant. No. Just go down, bend over. Kelly's trying to fucking, Kelly's not nice. She's a smoser.

She tried to get on the fucking arrow show twice. You haven't heard it. No, he's doing the hardest shot. You face, I know her. She's on this show because she smoozed me listen She's she she when he was mentioning who's on the show and Kelly for Steve Yeah, and I went you're on the show. She went no She's trying to subliminally fuck my friend Joe hold on and then when he's leaving if you guys need help

If you guys need posters if you guys need him to do a rally She's fuck you she just put her on the show. Well, what do you expect? Did she get this from us? Try to have a career? How's this smooth? How's this just put her on the show? It's like anti-schmoozing thing everybody's got to have a career and everybody's is you know fucking I'm I you are fucking nuts dude. I'm doing a free podcast above a comedy club You're your podcast is popular. You've been in fucking dude You're a guy people look too hang on I'm trying to fucking I'm still doing Facebook ads for money. I got nothing. You're one of the funniest comics

I'm not selling out. You're doing pretty good. I do all right, but I'm not selling out It's a slow fucking grind you're in fucking you got a new effect staying your fucking all that I think you're fucking failed But you got picked for it. I sure your train is coming. Oh god I remember I remember when I was first starting comedy I was watching you on the fucking tour guys I'm sure you were the funniest thing on the show. Anybody brings that up again I'm gonna fucking jump off a bridge. I'm gonna funny on that. No, I have a fair of heights I'm gonna fucking jump off a fucking bridge. I would never book my any Toregas dude. How's your knee? Oh god seven years ago. I had hair. Please stop. I had a go T with no gray in it

Just stop. Yeah, but it was stop bringing up Toregasm. I'm just signing something else. It's come I need another Toregasm. It's got to do this podcast is a great thing for you. It's popular. It's popular. It got popular because it's so but it's still popular Really did angel and you I've done nothing. There's gonna be a spike I mean the kids good what are you gonna do Bobby? You know, I gotta take him up with the young guys I'm gonna take him down. I'm taking them down. I'm kind of excited for it. Do you take him down? I can't take it down. You can actually take me down now. You could just stop doing the podcast so to make a phone call and just take me down. Oh yes, it says no and this podcast is over. Yeah, you can pull a man

Seer and get my agent to dump me. Yeah, hi, no He's done upstairs. I love doing this podcast. I love when you're on and I'm glad I'm glad Phil came in I'd like to get some new blood in here He's vicious. He's vicious and he's a sniper like the new sniper like a old friend night. There's like Napar Gatsy Snipes it in I'll tell you he's um he feels very funny man And the thing that's deceptive about him. He's kind of like a one-liner comic, but he has like exceptional crowd work So it's like you wouldn't expect it. He works the crowd.

Are you shmuzin? Is that how show business you teaching her? No, I mean, he's got, he got nothing to give me. So I won't say, yeah. What about friendship? Just came here from Canada. No, but I'm not shmuzin with him. I'm saying, he's a very funny guy.

I like that. That's very nice to hear you honest. I've seen like three much madnesses at Caroline's. Feels like when it was at two minutes or something one of the best One of the best sets of ever seen oh I'll feel annihilated the boy at every comic that was standing in the back. We all just put our arms up and did like the mark normal We went oh God do you remember that one we were against the Marine? He went first. Oh, yeah, yeah, that was was it was oh thank you very much. Amazing. Why

you just snuck it in there. Schmoozing is she smoothing it. It's literally a fucking real good moment. We're just joking. Do me a favor. Yeah. Can you can you come in my mouth? Just shoot it over here Phil. I started it. I feel I'm glad you're on it. It was great. And then you started sucking it and then grabbed it out of your fucking mouth and slapped it on her fucking tongue And then just gizzin on my we get it fills the shit I told you to punch the honest in the face of bagging out pausing I was on your side fuck me you fuck you in your green day show fuck the earth. How's that? I'm having a list show. I'm having a fuck the earth show on that same day. Yeah, yeah

We ever book me. Listen, listen, stop making it up. He doesn't think I'm funny at all. He would never book me in a million years. But that's you're lying. You're being dishonest. What? Oh my god, look at you.

Don't lie to me. I will not let you be dishonest. Sure. Never. And you will not fucking give up trying. That's you. You listen, fuck you with your heal, never book me. So that's why no, you want him to book you. You exactly. And you're going to you trying to get him to book you on that show. Why don't you just say, Joe, I want on the fuck stop put your fucking little smoozing shit

Just say Joe I want on the show and have him go no or have him go. I'll see what I can do Stop looking for a maybe and get a fuck you know or get a yes I would never ask because I already know you'd say no, but I do know telling him important to him. That's why I said I'd help him He spoke he spoke to me bad and if you don't I said I'd help him. Yee-ee. Cause he spoke, he spoke to me about him a few times. Oh, Phil. Phil, help us, Phil.

Will you done complimenting me? It sounded like a... Ha-ha-ha-ha. He sounded like there was a lot of... How are you going to explain it to somebody else? You want to say, because if you're done. I can't remember you. There's John.

I know. What's the... I knew I was going to like, Phil when he walked in. It's just Joe's pep talk. You really came in and got like, Hey, Fats, what's up? No, boy. No, no.

I knew that was his soul. I thought, no, no, I didn't know what was going. I thought it was like a like a easily tell what he'd said to you right before I know right? You know what the fucking pep talk right? No, because I like I really like the bycast I was excited to be here and I was like, oh, okay, so it's

like a mall bus thing thing. And then and then it felt like I was running you know when you're running down a hill and your legs are moving Well, I was like going to do this for two hours. Yeah, there's not it's funny. It's we do we do get into it But there's a I this conversation. Yeah, there was no for play and it was That would have been a lot. I think that was your fault though. There was no for like you came in like hey, what's up fat? You just like out of the... No, I didn't know.

You were like, no. Joe was just like, he's the host, just go right in him. As soon as you get it. So everybody else gets the message. But can I blame myself for a second though? Because I'll tell you why, physically, you should, physically, I should be attacked. I look like I'm gonna go, hey, fuck, come,

sit down, you fucking... No, you look like King Kong Bundy, you don't look like one. No, I don't know if that hurts. I don like I'm gonna go hey fuck come sit down you fucking no you look like King Kong Bundy you don't look like no I don't know that hurts. I don't know if that was a compliment I don't know you know I need to get glasses is what I need to do so I can fucking calm people down. I don't know I don't know how it how it started but I yeah Protect the fact that you couldn't say he couldn't say his own Adam's apple and no that was in the middle Yeah, I, um, yeah. Protect the fact that you couldn't say he couldn't say his own Adam Zepal. And I was in the middle. I didn't know how it started, but I will say that it was, um,

it was really nice to Joe too. It have invited me like I was glad that I'm really happy that that Joe, there's nothing more than, you know, I get shit on the show a lot. Why won't you have your fucking friends on like Keith and Norton and, you know, but those guys, it's like, though, I love those guys but first of all they're not gonna come on and second of all there's nothing I love exposing people I I love the fact I would have never known about you I knew about you before but I never knew you existed I love having new people on the show and exposing my fans, the people that love this show to new people, and different types of people.

I don't have just my style of comedy on the show. That's why I fucking love it. I have fucking aggressive assholes, I have nerds, I have city guys, I have black, white, fucking women, whatever. I love the fact, and I love that there's all newer comics on the show that people who know me might not know them. That's my favorite part about the show, is that every week it's somebody different, but there's a bunch of regulars, and once you're on as you're kind of a regular, you can come the fuck back on again.

You know what I mean? So that, you know, I have to say people say, you're just afraid to have your friends on because they're They're funnier than you or something. It's like are you stupid? I love those are my friends I've been hanging out with them for 15 years on on ONA and shit like that I love having new people. Why do you think they wouldn't do it? They know they wouldn't do the first They're just busy right look man to to go and say you know, Louie want to do my I don't have to look man I don't have time right this is a hard thing to do once a week, twice a week, to put out a show for nothing.

Right. You know, and if look, if I was getting 200,000 downloads a week, and this could actually like really sell out a room for one of those guys, I could see doing it. But you know, it does help. I mean, this, the, the, the best thing I hear is when Joe or Dan or myself, you're at a show and people like, do what I heard you on the show. I love you on the podcast. That's why, I love that they get this for free, they make them laugh and they're fucking cute.

I can show you all the letters I get from people thanking us. And it's building, it's building. It's fucking deaf building. It's absolutely building, but it's, my main point is that I love, you know know new guys on so I'm glad you came on Oh cool, and again, thank you for having me. Yeah, I'm just trying to get you to finishing I'm trying to get you to finish on my face. Oh, right. Okay. Fill

Stop talking so much Hey, let me ask you question if I kick Kelly off the show. Would you be able to do this once a week? Absolutely awesome Only if you kick her up Kelly. See you later God, I wish I wanted to fuck you. I have no one not one sexual urge to fucking I don't know I don't know she has a she's cute. She's adorable. She is Kelly is really pretty. Yeah, but I agree not like Objectively, I'm not you like that is a pretty face right now. That is not one thing for me. I can, the body's good, there's nothing wrong.

There's a smell I get from wanting to fuck her. Like a smell, like a smell that I, the same smell, like it when you smell a dead person. Yeah, I don't know what it is. I smell like, I think about fucking her and then I smell this smell. This smell, because you know what I was thinking, like you guys work together a lot,

like when you're up here alone, you never, like you never crossed your mind. No somebody put a I think somebody put a voodoo thing on me because I think in her and it makes me like I Smell awfulness and I like I can have and I can move because she's pretty. She's gorgeous But God forbid and that's what like what if I get shredded again and I get like abs and I somehow, I think she would be like, she would give like a really good, like a really care, you be caring, like was that good?

You want me to do it this way? Can I say something? No, but you'd be very caring, you'd be like, you want me to clean it up, you want me to, yeah. Can I say something? Can I say something? Can I do it again?

What can I do better? Yes, yes. Do you know awesome it would be? I'm getting a joke. For me, to be married, having a kid coming on, and to have Kelly. If I had any inkling of, you know, look, I wrote a book on cheating, right?

If I could have Kelly as my dick sucker, like after the show, everybody, hey, hey, hey, yeah, I see you, and then she's like, hey, big daddy, I'm gonna suck that dick now. Good show. You know what I mean? How awesome that would be. Perfect.

Well, the good thing is that the reason why I met you is because you were trying to get over your hatred for the Australian accent. Yeah. So that's what it is. I hate my voice so much. Yeah, the fact that like if she was like, Hey, you want me to suck you.

I'd smell that smell and then we get away from it. You can smell the smell. Whatever the smell is. It's like that Woody Al movie. He smells sulfur every time. You ever guys see that? Yeah, we're one constructing herring. Oh, right.

So anyways, I'm glad I don't want to fuck you, Kelly. I want nothing to do with you. She's great on the show though. It's good chemistry between you guys. And she's like robbing to your stern or something. Oh, that was horrible. You ended that, buddy. I hope you get shot again. I really do. I hope that, buddy. I hope you get shot again.

I really do. I hope that happens tonight. I hope on the way home you're walking with Phil and they just shoot you. And Phil just goes, well, whatever. And then Phil takes the money out of your pocket as you die. All right. Plucking the supplies are okay. All right, guys, thanks for coming on YKWD.

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