Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - A Dog's Breakfast

Episode Date: March 19, 2012

Comedian Kelly Fastuca sits down with Robert and Monster Voice.   RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hoy es un día de eso de no saber cómo va a acabar el día. Donde nadie pregunta a dónde viene, sino por qué no te viene. Y una ronda es el tiempo que pasa entre no conocernos, y no creer olvidarnos. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos vía. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos encuentra. Maú, la vida es más vida cuando nos encontramos. Encuentra los bares de Madrid la dicción especial de Madrid nos liga. Un duvena que de de mal, a Madrid. All right, here we are.

Another episode of... It's always the you know what dead With Robert Kelly this is always the worst part for me starting to show Because I have to look at your face a lot of how you do you stare me though like you know something I don't like you know I'm being a fucking idiot right now It's just fun to watch you try to jump in because you're always like all right and we're starting and we're back Here's a deal. I'm gonna make you fucking do it. You know what? Yeah, I got some radio chops. So I'm let's go bring it You want me to start it and three two one? We're in welcome to the you know what dude podcast with Robert Kelly

But I have a theme song fuck face. I know you do. This is my own theme song. No, you don't get it No, you don't get you don't get music to make it easier. That's called bed music and credit stations use it. I'm gonna give you dead music. Yeah. BAM. BAM. We, we're here today and the last podcast we did was last week.

Depending on when we release this one, if we release it, if I show, if I shizz, I like to say shizz, like I say shizz. Yeah, like the count of multi-crystals assistant, shizz. I'm reading that book right now. It's a great book. I fucking love it. It's a better movie. No, how can it be?

How can it be? The book is amazing. Because you don't have to read. That's great right off the fuck back. And you win. Yeah, it's done in an hour and a half. All right, well I'm gonna finish. You can eat while you watch it.

Yeah, but I can eat while I read. No, you can't. Let's get sauce stains on the pages. Who can you eat when you read? It's like my dumb monkey paws. I just open the book like I like folded open. Dude, I can't do it because I you read like my dumb monkey paws. I just open the book like I like full that open But I can't do it because I hear myself in my own head. I need complete nothing to read in my head And I don't know. I just

Do you do the thing where you mouth the words while you read? I'm not fucking retarded. I don't have a crooked bangs hang on let's introduce first of all we did the podcast We're gonna get back to this reading shit, but let's introduce first of all we did the podcast. We're gonna get back to this reading shit, but let's introduce The new person to the podcast her she's a comedian She's a comedian Kelly for Steuka Call me Den. I'm Dianna. It's Kelly for Stuka.

Oh, hi guys. She is. We have brought Kelly on. Kelly's on the podcast to get Bobby over his hatred. I don't want, first of all, rather than get, I don't want any emails. I know you hate her laugh. I don't want to hear it. Okay, I don't want to hear fucking dude, or fucking left was piercing.

Just hate it. I like it, I like it, just to let me know. Please, please. Joe's not here today, but the spirit of his high pitch life is. Yeah, Joe is on his Kentucky Derby trail. Yeah. He's doing his bourbon trail tours.

Hey, everybody, Joe, I'm gonna change, I guarantee you as an accent Jesus is an asshole I love Jesus he changes his tone down there. He's not dangerous He'll heal you he can heal you I have read the car And someone's in front of you in the green light turns green and then Jesus come on help this Someone's in front of you in the green light turns green and the jesus come on help This will move the car then joke it's north of the mason dixiline. He's like Jesus is it real Yeah, Joe's honest fucking beauty justice

He's on his fucking backyard Bible tour. You know, he's going into some dine. Give me a Diablo salmon to the doctor But I know I'm gonna goddamn hurry And nobody laughs. Oh, anyways. I miss him. So we brought Kelly on. Kind of like when someone when you see those shows when someone has like a fear of dogs

and they bring a dog into the room, you're like, just look at it. It's not gonna hurt. Yeah, but you don't wanna fuck the dog. You don't wanna fuck the dog. Yeah, I don't know if she was hot. Yeah, yeah, it's the curveball. Yeah, she's sitting down in the style in her photo.

She looks like a little fatty. You bring her in here. She's actually. Oh, you were. Oh, so you lost weight. Oh, yeah. All right, cool. So we have stretch marks to deal with that.

Eliminate a lot of the hotness. We have one thing. Yeah, we both. We share the same pain, Bobby. There's nothing worse. Like, there's nothing worse. I think it's, I dated this girl one time. I was at Hampton Beach, we both. We share the same pain, Bobby. There's nothing worse. Like, there's nothing worse. I think it's, I dated this girl one time. I was at Hampton Beach, Cassino.

I don't know if you know what that is. It's like kind of like a strip where cars go up and down into Hampshire, almost like a mini type of fucking Atlantic city type of thing, you know. Border walk, type shit. And I look over in the car next to me and this smoking blonde, I'm talking fucking holy shit. And I'm so bad ass at that time. I think I was shit. I had to be like 18, 18, 19, couple of years sober into really banging chicks.

I was shredded. I didn't even really do comedy yet. I don't think. I didn't even think I did comedy. I was just banging broad. Full time banging. I think. Maybe I just started comedy, like an improv group with Dane and Aldo Banny. Then I look at it, I go, hey, what's up? She's like, hey, it was like a movie.

I go, give me a number. She was like, all right, she hands me a number. Inside my heart's pounding. Because I'm like, oh my god, this hot broads, give me a number. Because I'm a shit dick low, something anybody else. Yeah, I call this girl up I go she lives in the middle of nowhere in the middle of Massachusetts on a farm Her fucking father is a farmer no TV

They have a room with a wooden bench with books and wooden toys. What? Wooden toys? At wooden toys. That sounds awful. It scares the shit out of me. Oh, my dick is fucking for robbing at this point. I get to fuck an original, like, American joke. Mama. She's like a joke moving west. She really is. I'm like, oh, my god, she has a sundress on her.

She wants milk, pow, she's gonna die out of the board. She's fucking eating like oh god Just give me more voices to do Bobby. Let me do it. Let me take you so I'm adding to the roster One of the guys five when they first moved there they had a buyer from the Indian yeah For we will give you the But only if you form the man's I can't stand his eyes Stop giving even the credit. That's a dessert.

It's not like mine. I just spit on the electric fucking outlets. Oh, I go right through my head. So anyways, this girl is smoking hot. I'm like, wow, I'm on her farm. We go, we go to eat. Okay, I take her to eat Where do you take her to eat? Some local whatever they let where everyone knows her nobody knew her. It was just it was in town

I wish she went to town. Oh my god, but I remember I ordered a salad because I was really working out that that time Yeah, I was on my second thin my third thin in life. And I was, I had fucking a six pack, the V diamond cut cockab. I was, I was smoking and I go, I'm getting a salad because I use, I'm really into shape now. I used to be a little heavier. And she goes, me too.

I want a salad. I go, really? She goes, yeah, so I'm expecting a little. She went up so to photo out of this fucking wallet Yeah, oh my god, dude. Let me tell you something. It was a oh now mind you she had platinum blonde hair Sundress gorgeous petite little oh my god, right? She takes out this Fat 50 year old eating a chip at a picnic table in the heat

Why would you show someone that? She, her hair was black, like brown black, pull back in a ponytail, sweat on her head. Just fucking. She had a sweat from eating. Yeah, outside in like a shitty picnic table with a chip going into a fat mouth. Oh, of course it was. Oh, I was like, it didn't fucking look like her at all. It looked like the chick from, uh,

I wanna know your pain. Here we go. I don't know. I'm not gonna guess, because I just want you to keep. Yeah. Oh. Oh, for one more day.

What is that? Fucking, uh. Listen, Phillips. Thank you. Of course you know. Well, yeah, because they just got the fucking tape in her dumb country a week ago Wilson Phillips is still on the charts there. They still have T-shirt

Yeah, there's played over the fucking loud speakers and their convict camp of the island Don't get bit by a spider You know the way to Wilson Philips Brown reading the brown record yeah Yeah, she showed me that picture and I was like wow holy shit Do you still want to fuck I do and I fucked the shit out of her No, we fucked in the look she took me not a like in the bro in the barn Woodsy trail. Yeah, that wasn't hot because she took her clothes off

I'm I could throw up right now thinking of it Honestly, God, I could little if I if I really Focust in on the skin was it all like soft and weird look look look she was she had to be three bills Now look yeah being chunky and losing some weight you get stretch marks, but you're still tight You know what I mean? And you even if you lose some weight in your titty, I like a little drooping a titty. But they must have been. Yeah, these shimmers.

It was like somebody melted her tits. That's what it looked like. Somebody melted both her tits. And then tried to make the titty again. I love recon-struck her surgery titty. Yeah, but they dried to the air was it got to a good thing. Come on, man. Her, ooh, her, oh, dude.

Her back and ass. The stretch marks came out of her asshole, upper ass, into her back, upper back. Look at tattoo. And around the front two of tits. No. It looked like, yeah, it looked like a road map. It looked like GPS. It was fucking gross, dude.

And it was daylight. So like that, yeah, that fucking perfect sun was shooting. And I fucked her and she blew me and I never talked to her again. I never went back to that farm again. So if you're out there, she's just technology now. guaranteed she's fat again too. Because if I'm fat, she's fat.

She's telling that story. She's like a stranger asked for my phone number and you know, Pa doesn't let me off from far much. He's, I bet her father would have killed me. Oh, absolutely. Cause he, he probably, uh, there was no mom too. So you know those fucking,

you know, those fat eating habits came from. Yeah. Hit the fucking the room, fatten her up, take your fucking dress off. Oh fatten you up. Ha. I don't like you walking around town all skinny, but pa I'm gonna meet a nice boy. You're not gonna meet no one you stay on the farm You that's you with that Puerto Rican? Yeah, that mother fuckers Puerto Rican

I don't want that Latin boy around here, but anyways, I yeah,, when you lose that much weight, when you use a hundred pounds, how much is you lose? 40 pounds. Yeah, 40 pounds. Yeah, 40 pounds. Not a big deal. 40, actually, it's four babies.

But listen. I was carrying it around. I had eight. Can you just help me? Jesus. When I look at, I was 280 at my biggest fat. I was carrying eight babies. Imagine you think eight babies, or a fucking...

Octobabi. Or four fucking nice big turkeys. Yeah. You know what I mean? Healthy turkeys. Are you on the way back now? I'm on my way back down now. I'm going back down now.

That's why I just got the new headshots. Ooh. Yeah, I actually wanted to get headshots that, so when I go into an audition, they don't, I don't see the double take. Yeah. Is this you? Oh my god. Oh my god.

They do the hike and I help you. Hi. They're looking for a delivery bag. And you are, do you have a tuna sandwich? Oh, we're actually casting the football coach later in the afternoon. The things are coming in. I'll take it. Well, yeah, because two years ago, I got down to holy fuck again. I remember that. But useless. It's useless. What am I going to have it for? But there were those

fighters at the cellar with you at that light. And then how do you walk past it? That's, wow. There we go. Now look, deep, apparently somebody that didn't teach manners over in Australia. No, not actually. So when you walk and boy, picture that, when you're not fat, you get sad. No, that would depress me, because when you were a was. Can you see baby? Baby?

Oh, baby. Baby? Oh, just up on it. I'll go down to the end, baby. There you go. Baby. Baby Baby I'll go down to the end baby there you go baby. You try to talk like me like you I do I my American accent is try like you like But that it's not me. I know an a Just like American what's going on like American like a my American is a Midwest in accent So it's really hard. And it's just like kids let's get in the car you know what? I'm going camping Jesus Christ. That's really good but I still want to hit you. Yeah I know it's

the worst in the studio. She picked the worst American accent to replicate. Fargo. She goes over she goes. Nah if I wanted to sound ridiculous. I would do the worst. The biggest condom in accent, like a little bitch of a mother, you know, like a sucka mom. Come on, kids, what do you do? My first win's a piece of shit. Oh God, I wanna fucking kill a woman.

I don't mind the Australian accent. How could you? Yeah, come on, Dan. Team Dan, let's go. Listen, team Dan. You gotta edit it. What are you doing? What are you trying to cause conflict?

That's neutral Dan. Yeah, you think he's gonna trash you as soon as you wave, right? Yeah, neutral Dan's fun. Whenever guests on him, I like you with Dan to say that. Yeah, that's what we have to do with Dan around. To please the sponsor. Yeah.

Don't forget that you know what? The YKWD brought you by Ryan Kessner. We have fresh balls that actually sent us some stuff. Good day. Yeah, me and Joe were supposed to actually do a ball smelling, a ball smell off. We did it on ONA, but he did it. He smelled my balls on ONA.

What? Hmm. He's a, he smelled my nuts on ONA. Sounds like a book, doesn't it? Joe did. Yeah, he smelled my balls. What does he, what he said to me, this what he said to me after the show, he goes, dude, I was gonna fucking kiss it.

Just to make you, I thought, just to see you flip out. Really? Wow, really. I don't know if I would do that. I don't. This is funny, that's just fun. Dude, I was gonna kiss it just to make you flip out. Really?

Okay, if I can. There you go. Ooh. Wow, you got some shit backwards. But, yeah. Yeah, we did fresh balls, sent us some stuff. Hoodie, we did the last week the hoodies with the headphone, which is, I'm gonna buy, I'm gonna get one. I'm gonna try to get you one, Dan.

I'll be pretty sweet. Kelly, you get nothing. No, that's okay. I don't want anything. You don't want anything? We're gonna try to, see that was kind of adorable with the accent? No, she's actually a really cute girl.

Yeah. I'll stop it, I can't take it. And with the accent, takes it all the way. Yeah, that's a magic fucking hurt. It's a neutralizer. You know what I'm saying, how awful. It would just be cheery, dirty talk. That's all right, mate.

You're doing well, Bobby. Good for you. Can you put it in? Yeah, I don't like it in my bum, but if you want to try go ahead, Cheerio. Cheerio? Did I say that? No, that was English. You had a dumb catch phrase from Australia that you said one time. A dog's breakfast? That's what you said. Sorry.

It was like I did a shower that was awful. Spit it. Spit it, Bobby. Do it. Come on. She said seven, I go, how is the show? It was a dog's breakfast. I'm like, I don't even know what the fuck that means.

Which just sounds made up. You fucking when you hear acts of that's when you throw up. Yeah. I, what do you, when you would have you been with an American dude? Yeah. You have. Do you have a boyfriend? No, I haven't had a boyfriend here, but I've, when you would have you been with an American dude? Yeah. You have. Do you have a boyfriend?

Uh, no, I haven't had a boyfriend here, but I've had so many. So you're a comic. I don't know. And I, it's like it is so dark and bleak on the other side. I feel bad for girl comics. Lady comedians. Yeah, lady comedians. Yeah, because they have the thing they don't have.

They can't fall back on that girl shit. Like where they can just fuck a dude and, you know, be a girlfriend. They have like hopes and dreams and they want to do shit and they want to be with your rat. You know what I mean? You can't fucking, you can bank comics, you can fuck around with them, but it's never going to work out because you're always going to be in competition. He's going to, yeah, I got this thing for you and be like, oh, really?

Did you get something? I want to work that club fucking fucking, secretly you're gonna resent. You know what's hard? It's because I'm spoiled, because I hang out all my friends or comics and I hang out with the best people and they're so fun. Who's your friends?

Oh, we're just, you know, like whenever I hang out with, you know. Name them, come on, comics, I'm a comic. I won, you got won, I agree with. Come on. It's not good to know you're a comic. Let's go, name him you fucking Aussie People I hang out with I was hanging out with like a good friend of mine

They're not people that you're gonna know though. They're I live all the comics. Yeah, okay She's really just showing up She really just turned into a turtle like you were trying to fucking get information out of her like about a murder Because she didn't what do you hang out with? I don't know these a couple people I hang out with the best people the best He really just turned into a turtle. Like you were trying to fucking get information out of her, like about a murder. Who do you hang out with? I don't know these people, but I hang out with the best people, the best comics, who? I'm not the comic, I'm gonna give you shit.

You know the, I'm not even, you know the, I'm not gonna give you shit. No, but it's like, I'm spoiled, because I get to hang out with the finest people. I mean, you had the best time, you know what I mean? I'm the best people. I know with the worst people's candy.

I mean, it's awesome, but then I hang out with normal guys, like civilians, and I'm like, ugh, you're so fucking boring. They, especially the last few weeks, I've seen, you know, I've tapped into it a bit. It's just so fucking boring. But all I want to do is leave and go to a club and hang out with my friends. Who, how old are you?

I'm 30. You're 30. Okay. And you're here. You live here now. Okay, your family's home? Yeah. Okay. And you're here. You live here now. Okay. Your family's home.

Yeah. Okay. Stop with your adorable little flag. This is dry. I'm going to take it. More pancakes. I am going to take it. I am going to take it.

You don't. That's just not going to work with me. Listen. I'm Satan. Do you understand me? Okay. So you're 30. You're a comic.

How long you lived here for? And you're in a half? A year and a half. Okay, and you've been on date with squares. Yeah. And it's just not cutting it with you. Okay, now you see him, you probably like alternative, like do you grow beers but can't connect? Uh, maybe, yeah. Yeah, I like, yeah.

I like, yeah, I like. Skinny jeans. No, no,. Here we go. Here we go. Oh, my baby. Holy, my baby. That took my baby. Look, the dogma auditioned it took my shot up.

Oh, OK. Do you ever go on dates with civilians and they try to be funny? That all the time. Guys, oh, they're awful. I had the one of the worst experience ever, when I was out with a guy. And it came to the check.

And I knew nothing was gonna happen I was gonna get out of there so when the check came I put my money down And he's like no, no, no, I've got it. I said no, no, no, that's fine because I knew I was gonna do anything I wasn't gonna take advantage of that right. I'm like no, no, no, put the money down And then he's like no, no, no, and then he goes listen, I've got the check But you have to do one thing for me. You have to tell me a joke And I'm like that is never gonna happen He might as well just ask to watch

me. Yeah and we and we went there we are you. Stop. What did you just say? What did you just say? I rewind it. I said he might as well have asked you to watch you pee. Exactly. You creep. It's coming out motherfucker. I know you're a dirt ball. I know you're not so neutral. You're not even a American. I know you're not so neutral You're not even American Is this classic I'm turned in down What am I got you? I love all his voice just poken the bed now You just poking the bear now. Listen.

Is that what you're saying? You're just rattling the raccoon. What? You don't have bears in Australia. They have koala bears. He's tickling the koala. They fucking all the bearlings. All right, listen to me.

So, I was finished with what you were saying. Oh, no, and then he was like, and we argued. He's like, no, it's like, I've got the chick, but you just have to tell me a joke. And whatever, and I'm like, I don't want to do this. And then you realize you have no money. And then I realize I have no money. All right, it's two girls walking to the bar.

I just fucking I sang for my stuff. He's stored about, did you see the story about the rude swam in the ocean? He's like, I don't even know you. Do you know New York is different than Australia? Yeah. Yeah. You know, I came over here and met a different.

Yeah, I just imagined the opening scene of Crocodile Dundee when she came over here and men are different. Yeah, I just imagined the opening scene of crocodile Dundee when she came over here. That's not a knife. That's a knife. We're just walking around, walking around and they're like, ha, just like, oh! So listen. Listen, so I, yep.

So you, how long have you been a comic, first of five years five years in Australia? Yeah, no Australia comedy's huge Yeah, so why don't you stay there because you can't get good there real Hello See my microwave no, that's that's my coffee maker. It shuts off when it's gone. Yeah, you know if you want coffee No, thanks, okay great. I really want to get up and get it. But I would have got you. But so you can't get good. But there's a lot of people like Eddie,

if went there, Archbarker. Archbarker's huge there. He is ridiculously huge. How does that happen? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Look, I'm not saying Archbarker's not funny.

I think Archbarker's funny. I just don't understand how somebody can come here and be successful, but then go there and be Elvis. He is, he is, like he does, he goes around, it does all the small towns, all the little theaters and the small towns, and they're like two and a half thousand theaters and sells out at shows. Like you can't see him doing the festival.

Nice this guy ever. Like in, yeah, I'm gonna do a few times, he's nice. But it's fucking amazing. Because he's, the thing with Australia is that a lot of Australians only like American comics. So it's like, you have to go somewhere. So you either have to go to London or you have to go to New York for someone to respect you

before you can actually make anything back. Right. And Jim Jeffries was never did comedy in Australia. He had to make it in London first. Right. Right. OK. So he never did in Australia.

OK. So now you're here. You're here for a year and a half. Yeah. You go on a date with this guy. He's going to pay. Yeah. And he wants a joke. No. Okay, so now you're here, you're here for a year and a half. Yeah. You go on a date with this guy. He's going to pay. Yeah. And he wants a joke. Yeah. Not a blow job. A joke. That's what if he, what would have been more respectable if you said, listen, one thing you have to suck my balls. That would have been more respectable than him saying you have to tell a joke. Correct? If you get the pick one, you have to pick

one. You have to pick one. have to pick one a Joker a beach Well, depending if I wanted to blow him or not. No, you don't want to do easy. No, I don't want to eat that Now I'll tell the joke. I'm gonna get my hands dirty What do you do? What do you mean your hands dirty? What kind of Australian blow job? Roll up their sleeves are on my Quick we're gonna do it Australia style with mother earth in my hand My, you're gonna do this quick? We're gonna do it Australia style with Mother Earth in my hand.

Glad you're gonna do this. This is how we do it. I shit in my hand. I jerk you off with pay. I didn't call it a job for nothing. Come on. A job? A job.

It's just a job. It's just Australia. Listen, I don't want to beat her up too much because I don't want to do it. That's fine, I can beat her. I know, but I don't want you to shut your face. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I can do that. I know, but I don't want you to shut your face. I... You see that?

So that's fucking weird, so you haven't... So you've dated comics, of course. Well, you know. Yes, you have. You don't have to name names, but you've dated guys. I've never fucked a girl comic. I don't know. I've fucked around with one fat one once.

Just as fun. She was the MC at a show and she was a big, big girl. A big girl. A group for a person. Yeah. And we were just staying in the, like the same hotel and the same floor. Oh, that makes a lot.

Long time ago and it was just, you know, I was good. I was like shredded to it. I was in the thin body. I love the way your face lights up. Can we talk about it? You know, I was shredded. I got one more in me, dude.

One more. One more good. One more thing. I'm my way back. And this time I hope it stays because of the, I don't quit smoking finally. That was the one thing that always fucked me is the smoking.

I try to quit smoking after I lose weight. Like after a, it would take me a year and a half, two years to lose the weight, get down, rock, and then I'd still be smoking. I mean, did I was running like six miles and then I'd let up a cigarette. Oh man, I did that this morning. I went for a run and I smoked on the way to town.

How great is that cigarette? It's the best. Is the best. After the gym cigarette? Yeah. The best cigarette ever. There's only guys quit smoking. I'm still smoking. I feel really bad. I come like hate could before me. That's great. He was always worse than I was. Nine weeks yesterday.

Shit. Congratulations. Hey, a little fucking fake applause. Yeah. A big devil. I've had a button I'd push it. But I don't. Right. So we have to just we have to just word it. Maybe one day. We are sound effects. It's a certain sound effect. We say the sound effects clapping. Elephant noise.

Yeah. Uh huh. Nothing. So yeah, that's great. You know, congratulations. It's been seven months for me. Come on on seven months. Yeah, Joe.

Joe's at like four. Yeah. Well done. It's the best thing ever. The best thing ever. The money I'm saving. how easy it is to travel now, I have to go to the airport to smoke a cigarette a little early, get the fuck out, the airport to smoke a cigarette

at the hotel, give me whatever room it is. Just king bed, you know, fucking, I don't give a shit anymore. It's great, I love it. I love not smoking. Oh man, that was my problem the first time because I quit smoking for 11 months, and that's when I put a little white on. Now I am petrified. Wait, let's not get smoking for 11 months And that's when I put a little white on really now I am petri-

Wait, let's not get carried away. You weren't fast. You were a little chunky and it was a cute chunk adorable chunk. It was a nice little chunk. She's still could wear a sundress and not well that fat bitch that I was Well, that fucking magician of fucking little Oh, that fucking magician of fucking look. Oh. But, um, does this dress show my streak most? Oh, cool. Racing struts. Oh, who blew it?

Oh, look, I don't mind a couple stretch marks here. There you got to have those just to prove you're human. But I just don't want, you know, coming out of your asshole, like an alien. Oh, boy, boy. Um, anyways. So you, you came here, you're here and you've dated comics, but you like comics better than regular dudes. Yeah, just because they have fun and they're more interesting and they're more honest.

Regular dudes are just, they're just boring. Really? Yeah. Yeah, but you know it's never gonna work out with a comic. Yeah, I know. You understand? Yeah, I know. Yeah, especially that you're hanging out with comics at your pace.

Yeah. You're gonna have to either fuck somebody way above you Or that's bad. That's terrible for me because it'll live on that it looks bad actually. It's good for you You're gonna fucking know it's gonna it's gonna it's called a feature spot Yeah, but then the shit I'm gonna get what do they Dan does? Dan's on the show because of his voices Those fucking behind the scenes work. It was a custom lips. I paid for A lot of headbind. You think Dan's on the show because of his voices? Uh-uh, uh-uh. Those fucking- All the behind the scenes work.

Those are custom lips I paid for. Uh-uh, I get them done. I guess the top of the top. I have colleges thrown into those thin lips. I imagine my dumb face with college and lips is gone. You would be able to breathe because your fucking nose is so flat to your upper neck. Yeah, let's make fun of these nerves.

Look at it. These nerves. Don't you turn this on me. You can't do fucking boomerang throwing heat in. That's not happening. Oh, man, that fucking guy. Damn, X-Z is terrible. I'm not going to get over it.

I'm trying. Oh, come on. It's not as bad. But you know what the X-Z is? I'll tell you why it fucking annoys me. It's just fucking so motivating. It's not as bad, but you know what the accent is? I'll tell you why it fucking annoys me. It's just fucking so motivating. It's just, it really is. It's just like, you know, you can do it.

Peppy. Yeah, it's like, it's always at the end. Come on. Ugh, fucking shit. It's encouraging. I don't wanna be encouraged. I don't want, I don't want, you have fucking people encouraging me.

I'm sick of you guys. First of all, being happy, everything. It was either Coca-Cola kid. No. You never saw that? It's an Australian movie. Best ass in a fucking movie ever. You want to see a fucking, oh my God, body. You know when movies back in the day,

they would show a little TNA? Like Jamie Lee Curtis, you'd see your titties in the trading places. Yeah. And the titties would always be white because I wouldn't sunbathe properly. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Judgmental plot for the show. No, I was saying that's a good thing. In Australia, we had a TANL TITS. Yeah, with TITS? TITS on a big deal. You guys make it a big deal. You see, TIT, you wanna rape?

Ripe? Oh, believe me. Ripe? I didn't say rape. Ripe. I'm not going up on anything at the end anymore. Not even you any excuse to hate me, Bobby. I don't know, just be.

I don't hate you. I hate your tone. I love you, country. I love you, country. I love us, gentlemen, people. Great people. I love you country, I love Australian people. Great people, but that bugs me too, is that every movie is about Australians, they live a show just a country Australian.

You know, the guy walks out and, hey, do you know how to show him, you can fucking go here and watch my galley, take my fucking lily, shut the fuck up. You gotta say chopper. I saw chopper. Oh, it's great. Yeah, but that's a part.

Yeah, but that's inside of a prison. Yeah. And even then, they look cheery. Yeah, I'm doing long. It's cut my ears off, mate. Thank you, mate. He's laughing. He really is.

He's laughing because he's cutting his own ears off. And people, like, yeah, even the prisoners there are fucking looted. Happy and fun. One of the greatest movies ever, though, chopper. Yeah, it's so bad being happy and fun. Look at you guys. Yeah.

It's not life, honey. Yeah, we don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy.

We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. We don't want to be happy. tight skinny walk guys. Really? Well, I think Williamsburg is a fucking happening place.

It's just full of hipsters and I just skinny jeans, half skinny jeans, moustaches and beers. Yeah. I mean, I don't mind those guys. I kind of like the look. I think it's funny though, as though those guys hate, you know, that was invented to hate the Nungio or the Italian, that was invented to hate the Nuzio or the Italian or the, you know, that thing, you know, that guy, like, you know, to rebel against, to grow a beard and look, you know, to be an individual, but you know, anything like an individual. But now it's, now it's like, guys, you know, that you know, now they make clothes, they make your clothes. There's literally Brooklyn industries, probably make stuff just for you guys.

Yeah, it's like you guys, you had to buy, when you had to buy your shit with bed bugs, that was cool. Yeah. But now you can just go into the gap and buy those same. We're only white dude in Bushwick. It was like, whoa, it's good. Well, I mean, look, they probably bummed out about that too, that the average asshole is growing a beard at fucking 10.

You know what I mean? It's just so we can look 38. But I like that whole area. I love going over there. I love it. I love over there. I mean, yeah. I used to live in bedstuy and that was a lot more interesting. Because of the black eyes. She loves black dudes. You love black dudes. Fucking on Shreys. I love being with a black guy. I've never been with a black guy. Yeah. On for the day. We like you. We like you. We like you, we like you, we like you, like you, like you.

I want a hook. Wait, a hook? I mean, I would go there, but I'll be dreaming of becoming my wife. We hate you, we hate you. No, the opportunity has to come you away because you have class because you're a racist. You're not going to date a black guy's not against the rules in your country. Then you have to see the high priest. Just hit a fucking rain stick and let a fucking bush on fire.

Oh boy. I'm going to touch a butterfly with the middle of its forehead. Sorry about that fucking race car that just went by. So you've never been with a black guy? No. Really? Just white guys and Australians. Australians circumcise or yeah? No.

No and it's always a treat for me. Every new dick is something new for me. I have another to expect I like her already That sounded like different. I don't know what you expect that was so jovial and honest It's like every Dixon surprise It's like a fucking cupcake Melissa's cupcakes. What is it? Is it cookies and cream? Like Melissa's cupcakes. What is it? Is it cookies and cream?

Or is it cookies? Oh, that was fucking monkeyado. You just take a deep breath and go, all right, this is what we're dealing with, let's go. So real, this is funny. This is really interesting because when you go with a girl and that's the thing, I think it's sexy. When you don't know what the fuck you're gonna do,

you know what kind of tits you're gonna deal with. You don't know if her nipples are gonna be, you know, your favorite nipple or a new nipple or you don't know if her box is gonna be shavin' or if it's gonna be huge. Throwback V. Yeah, bat wing, fucking labia. Mm-hmm.

Stroke pussy. Inside. What's the stroke pussy? What's the stroke pussy? What's the stroke pussy? Oh, damn. Oh, God. What the pain is good?

Oh, yeah. I had one girl that I went down on in a car. No, it wasn't her. That was another girl. And I went and I remember her one pussy lip was so long. That's what I'm talking about, but I could pull it. Yeah, I know exactly. I've been with a girl like that before. It turned into like a wing. Yeah. Like Batman's when he went when he was like, what does this do when electricity is an issue and it comes pliable. Oh my god. Batman pussy. Yeah, I was playing with it like I'm flicking it.

Nah, just pulling it with my mouth. I see no fire. It's your job. I'm a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a get down there too, it's like what kind of a genre is this going to be? Is this going to be a wet one? Is this going to be a big one? Is this going to be a nice one? Meaty? Well, how great is it when it's the vagina you like?

When it's well-capped, it doesn't fucking have, you know, fucking yeast infection dripping out of it. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. And then, and it's actually kind of tight. There's nothing there's no better feeling on the earth than cleaning your ears with a cue tip right after a hot shower. Yeah.

And fucking breaking the seal of a vagina with the head of your cock. And then when you, when you ow, ow, and then, oh god, you know, oh god, and then you stop, stop, stop. I can't, I gotta get one in. Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out. One more time, please don't, I gotta get one in and get out get out get out get out get out get out I'm gonna do nothing better than that. It's worth getting a girl pregnant and killing it. Wow That'd be great. You met a girl look if you can come in me neutral day. I'm gonna kill it

Listen that'd be great for girl. It's just like listen come in me. I'll kill it I'm a goddamn murderer. Look at me. Come on. Fuck it, do it. My father was chopper. Do you ever see that movie? Just eat chopper.

I don't have ease. So I never thought of it like on the, and to like a guy like I love on a girl, I was trying to give her head. I want to, the trick to giving good head and I'll, I'll let you in on the secret. Okay. Is this? I'll write it down. Love it Oh, yeah, no, that's like that's the most important thing. Yeah, it is almost and it was Jim Norton who said it Listen to Jim Norton. He was talking to a guy though

He was actually giving he was giving you advice he got But it hurt this and it made sense like if you're a girl and you're going down on your guy And then you look up at your guy and give him a look, a look that says, see what I'm doing for you, see what I do for you. It is over. And I totally agree. Here's another thing too is the best blowjob ever got two of them. One girl said I was all fucking trying to get her to do shit. She fucking went, look, I'm sucking your deck that relax. Well, I'm. I'm gonna suck it. I think that's where that story is. Yeah, and she said, we're fucking, I'm fucking you.

Yeah. Suck and it's all happening. It was a black chick, right? The black chick. Yeah. And then the other girl was a country broad, had a truck. Yeah. And they just practiced that because they got nothing else to do. Yeah, dude, she sucked my dick just for nothing. Just no god damn good reason. Best. This bitch went, Raelin Gibbons. Lemma see that dick.

I, best blowjob ever got fat girl in my car. Tucson, Arizona behind an auto zone. What's the name? And she had such a fat girl name, her name was, Si, if you need it. If not, hey, hey. No, no, no, no, not like your way Different

Go get him Bob, but no, I'm thinking of your mic is off You You cock sucker. I'm just a worker. Oh, silent dead. So anyway, sweetie, what are you doing every Tuesday? Oh, Joe's on a fucking Kentucky Derby Dirt, and this douchebag's on fucking house arrest. Oh, damn, it's back. Alright.

Oh boy. Oh, that boy. That's so funny dude. It would have been funny if you used my like your wife. Oh God, that was the biggest move back on the scene. He just fucked up big time. Are you idiot? You really are just a dumb dumb.

And I'm not talking to lollipops. Oh! Oh! So the perspective, the point I'm trying to make, that I just went off on a tangent about pussy's and looking in blow jobs, is that when you're with a guy, it must be the same thing, like, oh my God, what am I going to get?

What smell is it going to be? Yeah, you never know. And also, if I don't... Have you ever had a really smelly dick? The more hair there is, the worse it going to be? Yeah, you never know. And also, if I didn't... Have you ever had a really smelly dick? The more hair there is, the worse it is. Whenever I see a guy who trims, I'm like, oh, here we go. This is going to be good.

I like the fact that she does the hand cracking of the pickles. She's got the plain of the piano. Let me get down down here, will they? Deek! It doesn't have to be hairless. It just has to be trim back. I want to be after it. It doesn't have to be hairless. It just has to be true and back. You know what I mean? Because I trim it.

You should fucking do it too. Yeah, or you trim it like a all of it. Well, you know, I take care of all of it. Most of the time it's all of it. Really, you just, it's gone. It feels cleaner. I love just a little patch. Yeah, just a little.

I like the little fucking patch, the little landing strip. I don't like. Looks like a goatee though. You just got the hair around it. Looks like I'm a Simpson's math. Like, what is that? It's your phone. Is that like a goatee?

Why did I? You almost walked away with your headphones on. How that was so close. Hello. Oh, this is the part where I have to fill in gas right now Okay, is it anything special Okay, hang on a second it's it's it's gonna Smith. I go I go in Good, so it's not it so I didn't book anything. I don't get anything in no good news

There's always good news, but you know, I'm saving that for when there's news to offset it. Okay, so there's nothing okay. I'll call you back Bye, good manager Conan Smith everybody. Yeah, he's a great manager They're all good just a dapper dresser. It really makes me sick how good a possible is he really dresses Amazing when he wears a fucking button down shirt and khakis, which is wrong with you. You said that really dreamy Dan Yes, Conan's dreamy Conan Smith is dreaming. He is he is out of all this dreamy looking dude Yeah out of all the managers. He's a good. He's been the same for like 15 years He doesn't age he made a deal with the devil takes the blood of him in Mad Frost. He takes the blood of new comedian No, I thought you said Canadians yeah Yeah, nice. No, that's French stupid.

No. Okay, so when you let back to the pussy. So when you see a addicted shaved, wait a minute, I want to say yeah, you need a little hair out of a vagina. You can't have a ball. I don't want it to look like a fucking chick who's trying to be young down there. I want you to push you to look at age. I don't want a fucking 13 year old box. And then if you don't shave it all the time and you get the ingrown hairs. And then it's like,

shave it down there though. You shouldn't go to shave it down there. What do you do? You wax it. That's what my wife does. Because when you shave it creates crazy shit. But it always depends. I get to spend some time with the whole thing.

There sounds like there's birds in the apartment. There was just a lot of birds on the window for some reason. And I think it's Kelly's happiness brought him to the... That's my wife's dead mom coming to the window going, knock it off and fucking cock suck, not just she talks like that, but she's from Boston. I couldn't do one. You can't do your own accent.

That was the original Boston accent when they were in England. And then they came here, I did the original... Oh, no! I don't do voices own action. That was the original boss and accent when they were in England. And then they came here. I did the original. Oh, no. No. I don't do voices. That's my bad. That's my bad.

All right, dude, dude, talk this one. Falcon, who are you? Are you guys talking about crocs? You guys talking about crocs? Shave Crocs? But Abby don't. Oh, my God. I didn't talk about pussy. I think. All right. I'm not going to be a little bit more than a little bit.

I'm not going to be a little bit more than a little bit. I'm not going to be a little bit more than a little bit. I'm not going to be a little bit more than a little bit. I'm not going to be a little bit more than a little bit. Hey, check it out. I grew this mustache for you. Yeah. Right. And then you, uh, go T though. You said it looks like a go T. Do you let it grow like around the lips? That's a rich, disgusting. You have to have a, sometimes when you look at it

and it's an angle, it just always remote. It doesn't go, it doesn't go from the top around the lips to the ass. Yeah. I'm very dark here. I'm Italian. I'm very dark. You're Italian.

Yeah. They have Italians in Australia. Yeah, it's the tapes of us. Italian, what kind of Italian, they have Italians in Australia. Yes, it's a place of us Italian What kind of Italian? My dad's from Sicily my mom's from sort of north of Tuscany my father's from Sicily too I mean that is your family cook Italian food. Yeah, all that stuff. Yeah, do you have the seven fishes? No? I write that and forget us here at home You're a streaming Nothing worse than Italians talking about being Italian

Nothing worth an Italian talking about being Italian. I'm sorry. We were talking about Dan, that's why. Yeah, one of these voices. Yeah, so we were like, Viking, go ahead. You fucking flat face. What do you want to do? I'm an American. You want to talk about, fucking,

hot fish, salted fish. I want to talk about, and broad swords. Yes. And sailing and pillaging. Yes. Volcanoes. Yeah, that's nice. Hey, come on, that's not the shit. I'm Viking in Irish, yeah. Volcanoes. Yeah. That's how you say it.

Come on, that's not the shit. I'm blocking an Irish, yeah. What? You're blocking an Irish. It's called Swedish, you heathen. Yeah. So you're a Viking. I didn't go up then.

You just did right there though. Oh, lovely. So that's weird though. I mean, you look, when you, with a guy, it's like, oh my god, this is either good or bad. Yeah, it depends. Yeah, yeah. I'll know pretty early on how far I'm gonna go.

But now, okay, you take the thing now. If I take a, if I take a box out and look, I'm dealing with it. I'm gonna lick the stink off of it. I'm gonna deal with it. I'm not gonna make you, look, if I chose to go this far with you, I'm gonna fucking make you have at least some fun. Someone's gonna, I'm gonna try to make somebody come.

Cause you're a good dude. Okay, but are you gonna do that too? Are you gonna go, eh fuck, I'm out. I'm tapping. Yeah, have you ever denied anything cause of a powerful gross? Yeah, after you saw that, you see the piece and you're just like, it's got like fucking tribal

Australian markings on it. Yeah. It's got anodic. Yeah, I it. Yeah. It's got ammo dick. Yeah. I had to get up, like, the thing is, I always plan ahead, like I have to get up early. Yeah. So then when I say I have to get up early,

then they're like, oh, she said that ages ago. And then if we end up going further, then like doing a big get up early, yeah, I'm like, yeah, it doesn't matter. Oh. So that stage it doesn't matter. It's the perfect fucking plan. Yeah, I've done that too, where I had a girl stay at my house

and I'd be like, look, I I got an audition I got a meeting early And that you got to be careful because that bitch will stay yeah, and then you're gonna know where she's going Because she will get with you. She'll come to the subway. Yeah, I had to take the fucking subway all the way down from Ninety-Seventh Street to the sixth train all the way down to Astor place at six in the morning to get this bitch out Yeah, she's like, are you ready? And I was like a guess and then take it all the way back home and I deserved it Just to get rid of it just to get rid of Oh damn I need to give her that kiss at like fucking 715 at Astor place Starbucks the sun's coming out And it's a little cold. All right. I'll talk to you later. She's still she's still looking at me the way I looked at her the other like the night before to get some pussy. She's still looking at me the way I looked at her the other night before to get some pussy.

She's still gazing at me. She's trying to recreate that first kiss. You call me? We'll talk. Oh, I can smell my load on her chin. It's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Fuck that but so that's crazy man most last time you got some fucking push push Come on now if you have to think about it Spain too long time Miami damn you got you got strange push You can do the push in Miami, so it was a comic it was business. It was a civilian flew in you flew pussy in It was a it was a civilian flew men you flew pussy in Flurin who the corporate dance man she flew herself in because she's got money she down

I think she saved up. Yes. It's fucking Miami. It's like a hundred and eighteen dollars to get there Yeah, and she lives in she lives in South Carolina. Yeah, homeless people could vacation in Miami But yeah, she She flew down really she have a home. She lives in South Carolina. Did she stay with the in your hotel? Yeah, was it worth it? Yeah, did you want? Did you want a gone? No, she's cool shit. So you like her. Yeah, she grew up in Colorado. I know her from Colorado. Really? Yeah, that's fucking talking about shit states. Whoa kidding go fuck you. It's not you really you really I love Nebraska Brascus great big great barbecue really what does

they have? Have mountain's fucking delays at the airport. Oh really Bob cats and lovely hiking trails. Oh fuck hiking. Happy people happy people. Yeah, I'm legal legal weed legal I don't smoke weed dude. Wow, that's not I do. I'm not a fucking pot head. Well, that's not my fault. I have I'm sober 27 years. Congratulations, but you know my fault. I have I'm so over 27 years Congratulations, but you know what Bobby since you're trying to shed some weight Why don't you take a nice hike up in the Rocky Mountains, huh? See some nature Maybe I'm from here. Well, no, no, is that a fat joke? No, I mean you would probably lose a lot of weight

I mean you stop at every Mickey D's Begin fucking chicken knuckles at the flying J. Reef, refueling? Yeah. Anyways, dude, I think that look I like Denver. I like it. It's a good comedy city, actually. Great local scene.

I've never worked a comedy club, though. They won't fucking have me. I have an either. And I'm from there. Dude, I'm a lot better than you. And I have an hour. Yeah. I wasn't here saying that.

I'm not going to peer out after 20 minutes. Well, it's called gassing you and I have an hour. Yeah. I wasn't even saying that. I'm not gonna peer out after 20 minutes. Well, it's called gassing out and it's 23 minutes. This is you after 26 minutes. So are you from? Where are you from? You guys on your first date? Is this a date? I really, huh?

I'm gonna check out this voice. You guys are gonna hear another voice? No, come on. I do the turnaround. Hey guys, this is what it sound like. I'm on to the giant. Check out this voice This is chief subscribe you are listening to the Uniluctive Podcast. For if you want more things, something to cover your bare chest, go to riotcast.com and check out the merch page. For there, you can see the majestic alligators fighting with weapons that only the bravest

of braves have. You can also have the shirt of the man they call Dangerous Joe. For he has four eyes like that of a Dangerous Sea Urgent, and yet he holds himself with the regard of a high priestess. You can also go to riotcast.com and listen to the other podcasts where you can subscribe to them. Like that of the hammer fisting, describing two men in battle. You can also listen to, I hate my life with Rich Voss and Barney McFarland. Rich Voss a very funny elder chief with teeth like that of the with ivory riotcast.com and subscribe to the You Know What Dude Podcast. For let the other people in your tribes know that the You Know What Dude Podcast is and for that I thank you. We're friends of the Indian. For we are friends of the earth and friends of the Indian. For real friends of the earth and friends of the sky, you know what dude podcast and come

to our casino where we have free chicken finger night. Make sure you check out RobertKillieLive.com to find out when Robert is performing new you. This month is going to be in Belmore, New York, at Governor's brokerage on the 23rd and 24th for three shows only. Then he's heading to Reno, Nevada, at Catcher Rising Star, at Silver Legacy from the 27th through to 31st. Go to Robert Killy Live for a ticket information and other dates to see when Robert is coming to a town new you.

Also, help out a friend of the show, Dominic Lombard-Dosey from A&E's breakout kings. Make sure you support the show by watching every Sunday and follow him on Twitter at D-Underscore-LOM-B-A-R-D-O-Z-Z-I. Let him know that you heard about it through the You Know What Dude Podcast. Thanks so much for supporting Friends of the Show and most importantly for supporting the You Know What Dude Podcast. supporting friends of the show and most importantly for supporting the you know what dude podcast I Miss those days I miss those days of being a fucking young comic. Yeah, you know, it was fun It's a lot of fun. It's fun for you guys. Well, it's not fun for you guys because you guys are in your head Girl comics you fucked up because your girls

Really, it's I mean, I'm not saying it's it's look I think that guys are in your head. Girl comics, you fucked up because you girls. Really, I'm not saying it's, look, I think that, it's definitely harder. How do I say this? It's, I don't know, it's weird. Guys, we hang out, we just bond, we bust balls, we hang out all night, we try to get pussy. It's like this fun thing.

You guys, even on this podcast You're hanging in there, but this isn't like a girl like if this was all girls would be a totally different hang for you It'd be more comfortable for you wouldn't it? No I think my problem is with boys is that I hang out with too many boys all the time so I'm too much like a guy Yeah, too much then when I do hang out with normal guys. I think they get a bit Oh boy because I'm so like I give them so much shit Yeah, that's not good man. You fuck with the guys I'm now shit I'm like look at your fucking face. It dumb shit. And then they

That's just mean that's a bossing Where's the joke you fucking psycho? That's that's her interpretation of busting boss. Hey, you fucking idiot You suck no Australian balls. Hey, you fucking idiot. You suck. No Australian accent, you know. Stink. Hey, fatso. You fat, you dumb of shit. Yeah, I used to be fat too, but not as fat as you.

Yeah, and then she turns it back on. So you want to go get a drink? Hey, do you trim your bush fat? Your bush fit. I think it gets me in trouble because I'm too much. And people see me as one of the guys all the time and then the girls I get with are very quiet and playing and they just see an aura of the boys and I'm not as they should be. Yeah, well, I can be an aura of a boy that I'm in love with.

You shouldn't be in love with them. You should be in awe with all of us. Well, I can. If you're everything. I told you, do you want to, you know what I used to tell people, what makes you like a girl? What do you like in women? I like girls who dig me. That's it, only requirement. You know, people say, I have different tastes.

No, you don't. Someone who likes you, you like, forever, how long it is. If you're blonde, fat, skinny, black, Australian, or black, scent, it doesn't matter. If you dig me, if you legitimately like me, I'm gonna fucking like you. Is it gonna work out?

No, maybe, I don't know, but you gotta shot at something if you legitimately like each other. I think that's it. If, you know, it's not, it's not a, you know, all that fucking other hurrah that you put in there. It's just, all right, so I lost my train of fire. Who, uh?

It's not the, uh, it's not the, uh, I love you both. You both were like, uh, we were following you. And now we're not stupid. You know, if you like a person and they're like you, you know, but then you get in and if the hurrah's not, uh, I just really know that I don't have an ego and I admitted it. I did call myself out on me.

I made everybody feel comfortable. Wow, I suck. How about listening? But listen, what I'm saying, you know what I'm saying? She's trying to pull the sweet shit out of you. You did it just a little bit. Well, here's a deal. If you, like I said with a blowjob,

there's nothing better than a girl who goes, who loves sucking dick, because you don't feel guilty. Take the guilt out of it for a guy, and we can actually like you. We can actually be relaxed enough to be around you. If you make the hoops that we have to jump through is what fucks us up, but that's what you need to make sure you're not a pig.

You don't even know being taken advantage of. The hoops, you have to jump through is sucking our cock and touching our dick, and that's the exact thing you don't wanna do. You know what I mean? It's the reverse. Like, if I like you, I'm just gonna like you, and be with you, and let every, and not force you,

and not try to do, and you're gonna slowly, we're gonna do it on its own time, and oh my God. Oh, and yeah, eh the time my wife blew me on a rock for an ice cream in our first date that that fucking good for you yeah you wouldn't have made it honey if you didn't if you made me wait three weeks I wouldn't be married right now really no I'm gonna wait three weeks for a blow job go fuck yourself you made it you made it so we could go to the next level. Mm. By suck. You passed the test.

Just suck dick. It's all dick. It's a T-shirt. Ah, put it up on red. Yes, dot com. I don't know. I am. That's no, go ahead.

I'm sorry. I just went off on a little tangent. No, no, no. Now ruin it with women thought. Go. I, sometimes I feel like I'm in a constant battle of that kind of saying that, are you the Madonna or are you the whore? Right, yeah.

And I find that if I, if I wanna do something with a guy on the first day, I'm gonna do it, I don't give a shit. Right, a guy can dump me on the first, all the 10th day, it doesn't matter. But I'm finding now that if I do that, then they're not likely to hang around, because they see me as someone just to have fun with

and they're never gonna see me as anything more. Yeah, yeah, and I don't want that to, but I don't want that to be the thing. I'll, you know, like, like what? You're actually, you're doing a, yourself a good service because what you're doing is you want to fuck around with the guy. You like him and you're also eliminating him right the fuck away so you don't waste your time. If he want, if he's just after you for sex or after you fuck, he doesn't want nothing to do with you, it's not there. But you could come back,

like you could meet a second round and he changed or he actually sees something else in you. It has nothing to do with fucking, whether you're with somebody or not or you're gonna be with somebody or not. Or the person you're going to be with is probably somebody you're with somebody or not, or you're gonna be with somebody or not. Or the person you're going to be with is probably somebody you're just compatible with. Somebody after the fucking bullshit you go through

when the day's done, you're like, I just like being with you, and I can fuck you, and we're cool together. I like you. Is it love, love compatibility, and being able to be with somebody for more than three hours and not want to fucking smash them in the face with a spated shovel or a dance face.

And how is is is what relationships lack that they did a study that's what makes relationships last the people that are making a compatibility compatibility it's not love it's compatibility they just can be around each other they like being around each other. They like being around each other. They get along and it has nothing to do with fucking. So if you fucking guy in the first date and he blows you off, yeah, it's not because you fucked him,

it's because he's a fucking nut. So you got laid and you eliminated this fucking dish from your life. There is a pot of me though that like, if I'm with someone that I know in my head that I don't want anything else to happen, but I do just wanna get laid, that's easy for me because I'm like, okay, we can just do this

and I have to do it again. You're a war. Why would you do that, Mom? Because I'm a war. Why would you do that, Mom? Oh, you got it. Oh, you got it. I'm gonna go, sorry.

But it's like, and then it's like, but then there's other guys that I do like really like. And then I really, I don't know what happens when I start to close up and I like him and I won't sleep with him. And I don't want to get to know that I want to build. You need to talk to Joe to Rosa. And you need to work to solve.

Yeah. Joey, Joey, Junior. Joey, Junior. Looks like, he looks like a Jeie Gravela wants to look like We can say it again like I've said it before we'll do that Yeah, but if you are it's a guy you like really like right This this someone patering around Peter. Yeah, it's good work I'm already fucked him though. Yeah, was really good though

Really good She just said it. She's just like Meet this guy. She didn't even fucking say a word. It's over He got off at a job in a state. So he's moving where he got off at a job in another another state So he's moving in what state you know, I know I was gonna say Jersey what the fuck The Connecticut it's over You know, I was gonna say Jersey what the fuck Connecticut say over He's really young too really old is it 10 24 What if he was 13?

17 I like fucking young boys can fucking boys What young boys in my fucking union? What are you itching you get fucking crap? Don't bring that fucking I don't want that Brooklyn apartment shit in my house. This is hell's kitchen baby. I own this place I don't know what those fucking goddamn open-micro bedbugs I told you that's Christ I told you Jesus Christ. Oh,

characters one woman show What would the name of her one woman show me? What do we call it? Don't speak first. Yeah It's cold Podcasts gonna be don't break this Oh, I would love that It's jokes break feast. I'm having a chess basm All right, don't freak out. No, you know what it is. It's, um, I thought it was, I thought it was having a hard attack one day. We were all writing me, Joe, and Billy were writing on the phone.

I think they were arguing about something, and then my chest right here, it started, like, just, oh my god. And I thought I was having a hard attack. And it was actually an esophical spasm. It was a heartburn and it was actually an esophical spasm because a heartburn and shit and I take these pills that stop the heartburn.

Produsek? No, it's a new one. It's a different one. It's a little better for you. It's a produsek. Yeah, Dr. Steve from the ONA show actually hooked me up with it. But it gives me these esophical spasms. And it feels like I'm gonna die.

All right, well, you just had one of those. Yeah, if something happens to me guys, please. If I watch the lights go out in your eyes and your head hit that keyboard, I'm not gonna lie when I say this. I'm taking off my headphones, calling 911, and leaving. No, dude.

I need you to hit record. I need you to hit podcast. So, uh, uh, you just hit us here. That's how dumb Dan, that's why Dan is just a fucking, he's not a leader in the business. He has to be given, he has to be given everything because he can't even have the fucking, like the brain to go do it.

This podcast is now mine. And that show is gonna be so, you know what I mean? It's good if you die if this is I was in your shoes I'd be like dude this is my podcast now and I get to keep all the and that this show is gonna be crazy popular. You're like his Bobby Kelly died on. Not crazy but it will be you know a little popular.

For a couple weeks until I tank it because I don't know how to in episode. No because you don't know fucking show up at your own house. Because you're lazy. You're getting anything done. All right, let's suck and keep. Wow, it's Trilly's cutting deep. Well, Kelly and Kelly.

That's a new podcast show. Kelly and Kelly. Kelly and Kelly, we're here to say, Kelly and Kelly, the Australian way. Wow. I love it. I love it so much because the Dan's not in it You can stare to stupid librarian face all you want to

Dumb glasses My glasses like right my wife has the same glasses dumb again. Are you nuts? Oh, again. That's true, Jen. I turn the mic off. I get a certain corner. You get the hell out here. Oh, man. Oh, man. That voice. Oh, Jesus. Jesus Christ, man.

Oh, man. So anyways, oh, God. It's fucking a softical spasm. It's killing me. I don't know if I've seen movie The Mike, but I just heard the water go down. Yeah. Um. What's, uh, so anyways, yeah, back to the gym.

I'm actually went three times last week. I couldn't, I worked out, I did buys, I did chest one day and then I did something else and then I forget the middle one and then I did buys I couldn't wipe my own ass mm-hmm. I got my arms were stuck. I couldn't fucking move my arms I got to have a bidet. Did you do the thing where you can't straighten your arm? Yeah, I couldn't straighten my arm It just hurts. I couldn't I have to lay on your arm to straighten it. Yeah, it's fucking awful It was just awful. You couldn't walk your own arms out of a day. Yeah, no, your arm to straighten it. Yeah, it's fucking awful. It was just awful. Like the end of a day? You couldn't wipe your own ass. At a bidet, yeah, no, I had to use the...

I couldn't even hit the button, I had to... I got to wipe something. Huh? I got to wipe something. Not with a bidet. You just put your faith in God that it's all gone? I've had it for five years, so I trust it now. I know.

Plus I can open my asshole like a dolphin hole. Does it feel good? No. I can hear the sound goes shawling it up. And then what do you do? Just drip dry? Shake it off. You got to dry it. No, I took a shower.

And then I... But how did you dry your ass? With a towel. But I thought you couldn't wipe. Well, I could get it kind of in there, but it hurt. Like I couldn't get paper towel. Like get it kind of in there, but it hurt like I couldn't I couldn't get paper towel Like get the paper towel and then into my like bat and wipe the way I wipe I wipe You know front to back back to front and I'm good. Do you go in the front or do you live in the back?

In the back what do you do? I go in the back? I live what do you do? Do you lift it in the front? I live from the side from the side Yeah for the butt. Yeah, right It's always weird when people go right in the back. What do you do if you lift it in the front? I live from the side from the side. Yeah for the butt. Yeah, right It's always weird when people go right in the middle. Well girls up for the shit. Yeah, I know does that I don't do that. No, why do you know? Because he told me we had a conversation about really? Yeah, you know this guy. No, no, no, he lives in Denver really. Yeah, I told you Denver's pull a fucking weirdo No, that's all Denver people do that. No, they know that's that true That's a fucking logo wipe on the front mate. Wait, why would say it? It's contagious You're gonna start saying dogs breakfast dogs breakfast. I'll never say it. I'll never say it

I'm gonna call the podcast You know the same way I hate your accent correct, right? Yeah, I understand I get it It's it's just that that fucking show lost is what really turned me on. I hated her. She was terrible. She's fucking but she's Australian. Yeah, but she couldn't act.

That's why could you have to hear an Australian accent that kind act? All right, but you understand I'll think that fucking thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the word babies baby. How did she say it? She did it like really bad like baby.

Charlie my baby Charlie. Bye bye. Yeah, but I would say baby say the way she say it? She well I would she did it like really bad like baby Charlie my baby Charlie Bye-bye. Yeah, but I would say baby say say the way she did it. Bye-bye baby. Bye-bye Just do it. This is making me baby Say Charlie my baby Charlie my baby Don't do it like a fucking I like that you're mad I like that you're mad at all she's saying Like a stage mom Probably really is being a stage mom right now. Do it again, do it again.

Smile bit, smile bit, smile bit. Charlie might be eating. Say it might be. Fucking toddlers and tiras are constantly saying. Say it, you're doing it wrong. I got to love you. We are going home, number one or not at all. Yeah. Yeah. I love you We are going home number one or not at all

Yeah, do you have any you guys have any fetishes? fetish yeah, like something weird no Nothing no you have you straight sex Like the teddy fuck So boring to fucking is nothing really is stupid It's not a big thing. It's so stupid, it's such a big thing. It's so stupid, it's such a big thing. It's so stupid, it's such a big thing.

It's so stupid, it's such a big thing. It's so stupid, it's such a big thing. It's so stupid, it's such a big thing. It's so stupid, it's such a big thing. It's so stupid, it's such a big thing. It's so stupid, it's such a big thing. It's so stupid, it's such a big thing. It's so stupid, it's such a big thing.

It's so stupid, it's such a big thing. It's so stupid, it's such a big thing. It's so stupid, it's such a big thing. It's so stupid, it's such a big thing. It's so stupid, it's so stupid, it's such a big thing. It's so stupid, it's so stupid, it's such a big thing. It's so stupid, it's such a big thing. It's so stupid, it's such a big thing.

It's so stupid, it's such a big thing. It's so stupid, it's such a big thing. It's so stupid, it's such a big thing. It's so stupid, it's such a big thing. It's so stupid, it's such a big thing. It's so stupid, it's such a big thing. It us. Yeah, keep that up for me. You're that damn. You can't, yeah, like you try to chit-fuck a chick with no titties. And that's just cruel and you never even attempt that. Yeah, but girl, you know, look man, you need big fat moush tits. Mm-hmm. And you need a big piece too to make it through the other side. Why? Why do you want to make it through the other side?

Well, what do you mean? You want it? Can you get lost? Do you want the dick to just disappear? Yep. Really? Gone. Isn't that the sexiest part? And she's like bending, she's like cutting off her

fucking hair, trying to suck the top of your head. Like when it was homeless guys, it's permanently like that from sleeping on a train too much. Oh. Oh. Just trying to lick the top of her like an ice cream. Yeah, she's like, Christopher, he's trying to eat an ice cream. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh No, superman was gay. The real Superman's gay You were gonna be like really is that wait a minute

It any flies If there was a flying gay man Like if someone had superman's powers, but he's just flaming gay Just like hardcore just like oh, yeah, so I saved the world so the fuck what Just like our core just like oh, yeah, so I saved the world so the fuck what Dr. Dick lightning fast speed Lois Lane a two-way Pan dishes that on I don't know I just looked oh Don't match

What was the Jimmy from the newspaper the two pictures? Yeah, if Superman was real and he was gay that fucking make everyone flip out Hey Jimmy look at this Super car he pulls hog up to the side of the pants the pee flap and the fucking beautiful What was that? She left like an old fucking car horn What is that? It's a car daddy. Car horn.

Oh boy. Sir fetishes. Fetishes. Yeah, you know, really nothing. Just didn't, you know what I did one time? I fucked ass cheeks. Oh, yeah. That's hot.

Yeah, you just put it in with like a hot dog bun. Well, she's got to be, you all right? Yep, sorry. I went away. No, I just make sure you're right. That's all I was I was Louis Think you know, she bent over and coughed into a lab You yeah, you got it. You just got to be a nice ass first of all. It's got to be a you can't have a flat ass Cuz that's just you know, you might as well just fucking bang a boy Or not Oh, not even say that out loud, but it's okay. Well, I'm already fucking, I'm funny people.

Oh, come on. Haha. Haha. What are you fucking two girls on the show now? Hey, what are you getting upset? Don't get upset, come on. Oh my god. It's happening all over again.

I. Haha. Stop. Haha. Alright, so listen. Yeah, I mean, yeah, the sheer. I Stop So listen, yeah, I mean yeah, she actually she wouldn't let me bang her but she put cream in her butt cheeks She had a great brain cream in her butt cheeks like what kind of cream? I'm no fucking like lotion. Okay, so I just I just put my dick in her butt cheeks and she pushed them together around my cock

and I fucked, it was like a titty fuck, except for the butt. Back to the butt. Way better than a titty fuck because it was tighter. And you can see the ass, and it's just a visually a better, and then you just run on our back flat

and it fucking, you know, pulls up and you can clean up, easier to clean up. Easier to clean up easier cleanup easier clean up Okay, then you think everyday yeah, and you fetishes I like it be funny if she came like a blow guys in soup every fun if she came like some real sick shit Secret to be put out run all my nipples To me put it out right on my nipples. She ripped out a fucking bird. Yeah, I'm like

Just like to cut him No, I had to go once he liked it when when I wear my glasses when I blew him But that's awesome. That's a good one. I mean it's such a good fucking Good slapping is a fun one. What if I just cracked her in the face? Yeah Just a just a me maker dude like a fucking wrestler crack like like like fucking what's his name? Did the Andy Kaufman on the live and let it? Jerry Lawler Jerry Lawler you get a backwards chop on her just You get the floor roll over here. Dan go there go There we go

I've had some fucking twisted shit. I've done some twisted shit. I'd be what's the weirdest thing you know I had a Yeah Look at us with a way young spirit How to girl that talked about being Look at us with a young spirit. Kids, come on. How do you grow that? Talked about being taken advantage of by your dad. Ooh, boy. Ooh, daddy.

And that one, she was blowing me. She was calling me daddy. That's awful. How do you say, hard during that, man? That stinks a little. How do you not? How do you not come quick? That's real question. How do you not want? How do you, am I bad? How do you not? How do you? How do you? How do you not come? Guys, it's real question. How do you not?

When? How do you? Am I bad? How do you know? No, but I am. And I just done. I'm done. I'm sorry. Oh, God. Yeah, that happened twice. No, listen, let's maybe. Yeah, well, people have issues. What's that? It was like the guy we were talking about last episode, like a baby.

Like a baby? Oh, the guy, yeah, this guy likes to be his wife to change. He's a baby. When he goes home, he sleeps in a crib and he's a fucking baby. Yeah, that's a fetish, fetish. Like, you know, feet, I'm not into like specific shit. Like there's people that need to get shit on,

or piss on, or feet, or to be dominated. Yeah. Specific shit like there's people that need to get shit on her pissed on her feet or Dominated I'm not the domination they never I don't like being hurt during sex. I don't like pain like physical emotion Emotional you suck Just in my silk sheets. I like it soft Silk sheets How does she know? Have you guys ever fooled around? No.

Look at me. You're lying. You're lying. No. You're lying. No. You think I'm an asshole, both of you. You think I'm a rookie?

You are the honest cock suckers. You've fucking fooled around. I see you in your face. You fucking love God. Whisk Whisk, but you need to stand when I need him. I just you. You fucking love God. Whisk Whisk will you need to stand when I need him? I just fucking know we haven't. I you're acting like you're acting. No, we haven't.

You're playing on a broken audition, asshole. Listen, what's the problem? You messed around, didn't you? You fucking mess around. What'd you kiss? Did you kiss? You messed around, didn't you? You fucking messed around. What'd you kiss? Did you kiss? Yeah, it was a bit hot.

You kissed? Okay, so you know. Really? Yeah. How was it? Good. You love the fuck this. God, I'm good.

I was just lying. I didn't know. He can't lie. Listen, here's, you can lie. Yeah. Yeah. She's from a fucking land built on confidence that we're left from England. I have to lie to protect. You really are from a fucking land built on context that were left from England.

I have to lie to protect you. Really I from a fucking just a country that should have died. No, I don't lie. I just omit truth. So it's different. No, but the fuck you know, I said that that's the political

that's the politician. If no one asked me the direct question, I just don't say anything. Right, okay, here you go. You'll matter. But you'll be honest if I ask you a question? There's nothing left. To say you're a liar.

I'm a liar. Stop with your fucking horses. Yeah. I'm a poor addition. If you ask me the right question, are we also vice question? No. No.

No. So you guys kissed. Yeah. Made out. Okay. At a party. It was around the corner from a show. In on a corner or in somewhere?

We were on the street, these village. Yeah. These village, but was it in a corner? It was like, it was on like a side street. It was like, you made out on a side street. So it was one of those fucking like, Harry met Sally moments. I good seeing you.

Had a fun night. All right, boy, dang. And then you kissed. And then that was it. Yeah. And then the next time we saw each other, we were like, that was kind of. I really.

Really? You didn't go home and fucking crank it out. Or look at me. Look at me. You went home and fucking jerked off. She's a fucking pretty girl. Yeah. Hey, I'm gonna take a, hey, I'm gonna take a,

let me look. She's a fucking pretty girl. Hey, let me go. Okay, listen. No, she's a pretty girl. She's a very pretty girl and she's got a nice personality. I mean, barring the fucking shit accent that would fucking annoy you. She's like talking to fucking board. But she's like, no, we need a big abode. Yeah. I think it's being done pretty good. I don't like, we don't like to fuck around in that scene. So we're both like, oh no, no, no, that's great. Right where we did it right.

We were like, we can't do this. Really? But you did go home and jerk off to it. Yeah. Oh, Dan, that's so lovely. Thank you. You went home too. What are you talking about?

You think a home and fucking whip it out in the tub? You know you fucking put them down, baby. Did you? Probably. Come on, be honest. Most likely you fucking put them down. Did you? Probably. Come on, be honest. Most likely, I would have yes. Yeah, you did, okay. So I wanna know what you, I don't wanna know

you are a fantasy cause you're a lie. No, I'll tell you the truth. Okay, you, I wanna know what the thing, now, okay. I go home, I'm like, oh shit, I go home, my fantasy. I know what it was. I know that she came with me or blah, blah, blah. What was your fantasy? Uh, what did I, what did was I know that she came with me or blah blah blah what was your fan what was the fantasy what did I what did I jerked it out much water she's drinking

now yeah she's getting dehydrated as we got damn it hot in here I think I I think I jerked it to a blow job really yeah that's it's go to yeah like I think I went home and I was like pretty disconnected Yeah, I'm not even kissing you didn't fucking like have jerk off to kissing who jerks off the kissing Kissing is the sexy dude the kissing sexy dude. I don't jerk off the kissing kissing is great Really you don't like kissing I don't jerk off to it. Well, I mean, that's a fun. No like a hot just a hot make-out Sush? Oh, dude, I've had fantasies. I first of all, I had my first, since I was young, Knight of Mission a couple weeks ago, Knight of Mission, I came into my pants.

Oh, I am. I sleep at, yeah, I was, yeah. I had a fuck, but it was a sexy, wasn't fucking, it was sexy, I didn't even, it was just kissing and fucking all this cray And then I pulled her pants down and I gizzed in my I mean orgasm Foul on full not even just a lot of drip like you full Blonde I got a picture of my fucking panties. I'll show it to you. Oh boy. I mean full and that was dawn next to you

No, I told you I came No, no, no, you were sleeping next to her. I was in Vegas. I was in Vegas. I was gonna roll and I had it. And I had before that, I had a passion dream with the chick that was in the gauntlet with Clint Eastwood, the blonde girl.

Oh yeah. A passion dream. We were just making out and she was jerking me off. Upside down. Upside down just fondling exploring my cock Like what's this? What is this? How do I do it? Well my thumb on the tongue? Okay, and we were kissing as she was doing that like gently just touching and going up like what a You can tell you when you I'm not comfortable with this.

This is a little... This is not... Yeah, I'm not trying to look at you. This is really weird. Yeah, I've... I've... Fuck it. You jerk off to kissing.

Fuck it, I've done that. I've done it. I've done it. I admit to it. Why don't you write a romance novel? It's fucking... What the fuck? It's weird!

Oh. You know it's weird. You know it's weird. Oh, you know it's weird You know it's weird. It's just so fucking generic that all you can jerked off to is blow jobs and fucking yeah Yeah, you know what it's the meat and potatoes. Yeah, I this country is built on beyond that dude I mean oh you're a passion. Oh Being Italian more Italian I'm passionate. I'm not not on a dirt Big old set of titties and some fucking. I jerk off to fucking. I jerk off to fucking.

Bobby's like, Bobby, you're like a fucking Latin right now. You're like, I really want to go home. I just must have been to the thought of pushing our lips with my hair. Does she go lips with my lips? Oh, God, Latin damn. The band is on the call. Bigger girl.

I want to take you into my house. I'm fat zero. Oh god, let him damn I want to take into my house I'm fat zero Is but not have sex with you It's fucking hot Number two In a vestibule Wow, all right, so what was your fancy again? Yeah, I want to know this Don't make down a white steam No, you're you were the steam You really do have fucking minotaur face You really do have fucking Minotaur face

You should have hooves Hello, I'm down the minutes Excuse me, I got the bow and arrow so what was your what was your fantasy? Just got a drink or water Normally my fantasy it's always the same. It's normally always of fucking and coming. Fucking and coming. I want you to make fun of her. No, no, no, it's like coming.

Like when someone else, it's like the same for Watch Porn. It has to be all come when they're coming. Who comes out the girl of the guy? Like the one. It doesn't matter. It's the sound. It's the sound of someone saying. The sound? The sound of someone saying the sound that

people are making that the you know, they say I'm coming and then you know, you know, so many, you have a deaf, a blind person in your family. I can hear you coming. Oh, God. Do you hear that? She just got, she just has porn. You're the Indian here it's for I can feel it in my feet when the brown rumbles during an orgasm I can feel it like the thunder rolling in over the hills my vagina was voice like to do Like that of the early spring morning Diana is wet Like the pond that we grab our fish from He's suffering with

Like a bird flying through a rainstorm So your boyfriend's gone I guess so listen, so your boyfriend's gone You're still back with not my boyfriend. Is he still here? He's gone. Yeah, he's gonna get a couple more bucks Yeah, I don't know I think I'm done really yeah, but you said you enjoyed it. Yeah, I did But it's just like it's it's not gonna if nothing's gonna happen just cut it loose really you don't want that young piece of Really what was good about it? What about Dicks before? Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

I like that she really like it. She just went full and she's like, I'm talking about Dicks. This guy's got a dick. I'm trying to unharden mine now. Yeah. Would you see a girl that enthusiastic about talking about Dicks? That makes any guys, it makes other Dicks move.

That's like watching a rap scene with your chick and trying, that's terrible. I'm not going to attend on point. I'm not going to have a pillow in my lap. Oh, God. I can't believe you. I live a pillow in my lap. Oh God I keep looking at spit on her face. These two poor girls and their mother in a barn. And one of them is watching how dare they, I'm gonna go to the bathroom and think about kissing. I'm just seeing the dog off my lap with my god. Alright so you

just infatically said that you love his day. I think I'm first of all, can I just stop? I think I'm using Joe's fucking sick spit guard. No, you're not. It was red. Oh, okay, good. This might be Kathy's, because I'm feeling a hot thing in my voice. Maybe that's just her talk.

Go ahead. Yeah, I was about the perfect cock, but doing the same voice. I know. It was just because we were cock was good. I used to use my hands with the four repetitions of was just because we were... Cock was good. I just changed with the four repotions of a fierce and stunned state geek. Get in me. Uh, no.

That move, that move. Ah, I think I'm gonna go rehash that fantasy that we have. Mine just did the old tapper at the beginning of a song. Duk, duk, duk, 1, 2, 3. One, two, one, two, three, four. Bummer. I'm going to do the weird thing where I just walk in my apartment and just pull my dick out like an animal. Just tap to tap.

So, Aruki, why was it perfect? We're just going to talk about Dicks before. And you're saying, you know, how all of them, you know, different and blah, blah. It was, it was a white guy. And he's like, a few inches taller than me. And I didn't think, I didn't think that there would be much of a size element to deal with,

because of his height and stuff. But then when we got down there, I was like, holy Mary, oh god. I was at as big as the microphone. Holy shit. As long. I'm trying to put your hands up. Like grab it remember I

Always measure I was with measure with the top of my middle finger to the bottom of my palms you measure it down You actually do it way you down there Are you know this is growing you are not big enough What are you doing way down there hang on one second that yeah? It's probably like from from the end of this part to Yeah, about down there, hang on one second. Look at that. Yeah, it's probably like from the end of this part to, yeah, about down there, but it was around. But I can't deal with, too big I can't deal with. Really? I'm back in. Listen, I'm back in the conversation.

Yeah. Yeah. It can be hard to do stuff. So what do you do with it? Well, no, just different musicians. Talk to paper mache. And do you finger puppets? Mm. Just different positions, it gets really deep. And I don't want to be. A type of mishay? And... Do you finger puppets? Mmm.

This is different position, Jika. It gets really deep. Right, okay. And I don't want to be, I'm like... You don't want to feel your fucking neck getting pushed in. I'm not interested in pushed up, you're alone. I'm having a good... I'm choking.

Oh my. No, no, no. Why do I taste metal? No, no, no, no. Um. Yeah. All right. Uh-huh. So. Why do I taste metal? All right So But it was you know what the the weirdest thing about is I it was smooth

It was what it was What do you mean? It was this is I was talking to a few people about it And they don't understand like that they're not relating to it I don't understand this was the smoothest skin I've ever felt on a dick. It was amazing. It was like the back of your hand. It was really soft. And I even told him, this isn't nice.

This is nice. And his ball sack was really smooth too. No wrinkles. No, it was smooth. That's creepy. I'm out. I have a roast boy. Why is this still turning me on?

Just talking about smooth dicks and balls out of them. I'm still throbbing. I'm gay. Keep going, girl. Talk about the dicks. I think that's the only thing it's Accident in talking about balls. You know, like the balls. It's smooth. That's fucking wild. That's good. Yeah, it's what it was. But it's gone. Yeah. So you know, you're on the quest. Yeah. To find the same kind. Yeah.

One day I had the best cook. I want a hipster cook. Yeah, which is gonna be, is toijins. He's pumped up. Like Bruce Springstehe sells albums on the street. And books. Oh, I can't stand guys like that. Really?

Yeah, like big guys. Tall, big guys. Back in, stand guys like that. Really? Yeah like big guys told big guys. Back in them. A tall fucka backup. Yeah. One of the last guys I was with was tall and like big guy had like tattoos everywhere. He was like a he was a singer in a hip-daff metal band. I love that. He had a big fat guy that loved it. Awesome. I mean this podcast that is doing it for so little while. You are so good. Yeah. Oh, I'm so excited too. I'm getting very tired. I think we're gonna wrap this up a little bit.

Ah! Bobby, you got some nice tattoos there. What was that? Fargo again? Yeah. There's nothing could make my dick go down quicker. She's a Fargo accent. You're nice and hard.

Oh, damn. Baby, look at your hair. Faray. Yeah. You look awesome. So, baby. Baby, look at your hair. Hair's hair. Good luck, awesome. So listen, I still hate your accent, but your accent isn't as bad as the thick fucking Aussie accent. That's Queensland.

Up north is really thick. I'm down. I mean, Melbourne. You still, I mean, it does go up. That's the one kills me. I'm north. Other babies. That's what fucking kills me.

I love the fact that you hate an accent when you have the Boston accent. I look, I agree, I have a shit accent too. It's just funny to like one accent, like I fucking, you know what I fucking hate more than anything? Fuck it. I'm not even speaking from the middle of the shit country and have nothing. Well, I'm sorry that I annuncie it perfectly. And what do you do?

I annuncie it. Perfect. Oh my God. It's called the Broadcasfume. Oh my god. It's called the Broadcasters accent. Oh, really? You've been listening to the Liket WD podcast on WM. Sometimes Dan talks he gets so day.

He sounds like Buffalo Bill from like songs and limbs. Word. Word. Would you footwear? Or footwear. You sound like that or a fat girl, hitting ice cream. Are you going to be transformed into bluer? All right, we're going to wrap this up, man.

Kelly, thank you for coming on the podcast. Thank you so much for having me. This is awesome. Yeah, we'll have you back on if you want to come back. Jay, we can have a laugh off. So he's laughing high. Yeah, Joey's got the best laugh in comedy. I love his laugh. It makes me laugh, and he laughs. Because he's laughing high. Joey's got the best laugh in comedy. I love his laugh. It makes me laugh and he laughs.

He snorts. It's funny. I just want to silence the room. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Don't. Don't. It's the worst laugh.

10. Yeah, you were almost going to be back on the bottom. You're going to shot you a look like a look. Yeah, you really want more. I hate more than your accent is your ass kissing of Joe's That laugh should be shot. I apologize It was really fun having you on I'm glad that you're open and you talked about the perfect cock. Yeah, that was very interesting I hope you find your perfect dick again any day now

How that is true. I hope we see you're on a corner just sucking some dudes I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm too smart, that's why Dude, you got your fucking Aussie You're making out in a corner Jerk enough to a fucking stupid fucking scenario boom Better than you jerk it off the fucking passion You're just fucking All I want to do is like, I'm perfectly And Toshu I really suck, man I really suck I want to Toshu that Perfectly and touch you I really suck man. I really fucking I will touch you and let's get to touch you. Excuse me. I take off my soul

All part of me. Have you no riding this stallion? Can be quite tired some Do you mind if I put my hair back in a ponytail? Shit It was so much fun You stop it. You give me a saw for a couple of hours What fucking hot are you performing? What fucking? What laundry mat are you gonna be in?

Kelly, what? Let me ask what basement you're gonna be in? Oh, God. I did Caroline's for the first time. That's not good. You did? The first time, yeah. With who?

Who was on the show? Oh, Chrissy Day. Chrissy Stephanie. Beautiful boy. who was on the show. Oh, oh, Chrissy day, Chris is definitely a beautiful boy He got on Chris. Yeah, we're gonna get Chris on the show Maybe next week we'll get that fucking you want to know of an interesting story man. He's got a fucking. That's not only I write who cares Oh, dude, my story is interesting every we all have it. This fucking broad flew over an ocean to come here To find the perfect calm on a mission to guy to another way to find the perfect

geek. But I would love I would love him on. He's a great kid. Yeah, a really good guy. So maybe next week we'll have him on next Tuesday, but we'll love to have you back home. So what shit are you going to be

at? A shit hole. I will. Will you going to be doing five minutes? What's today Monday? I don't have a show tonight. I have a website. No, I'm just Twitter. You have a fake Twitter What's your Twitter account? It's my name. It's KELY if I STUCA it's Kelly for Stuga at home at Twitter, you fucking that up do that again. I don't know just say it at it's it's it's my Twitter is it's just Kelly for Stuga spell it

Oh God She was doing so good It's it's it's my Twitter is it's just Kelly for stucco spell it. Oh god She was doing so good I know you're right. Yep. What is it? So it's KELL Y and F a You see I that was kind of sexy dude. That was kind of Damn it. Yeah, that really bug me It's how the fucking shut me up Yeah, that really bug me. Really, she really wants to shut me up. I see you take out your phone. I'm not that Twitter.

So that's all you have is a Twitter. Yeah, okay, cool. There's no money. Facebook's free, huh? I'm on Facebook. What's your Facebook? Dan, listen. I'm still not over my hatred towards your accent.

But we're closer. We actually got through this podcast. And Dan at Dance Soder. Soater, Dan Soder. And he has danceoder.com is not available because he's fucking still. You got it? I own danceoder.com. I still have a website. Okay, anyways.

Come on. So check it out. You know me, Robert Kelly at YKWD podcast on Twitter at YKWD podcast. Make sure you follow the podcast. We want to make sure we switch all the fans over from my Robert Kelly Twitter to at YKW. Why would you fucking rub off of me, Kelly? I have to do sexy. Oh, that Y why I keep it.

I have to do a sexy. Oh, that's why I keep it. That's why I keep it. I have to do a sexy. Oh, that's why I keep it. I have to do a sexy. Oh, that's why I keep it. I have to do a sexy.

Oh, that's why I keep it. I have to do a sexy. Oh, that's why I keep it. I have to do a sexy. Oh, that's why I keep it. I have to do a sexy. Oh, that's why I keep it. I have to do a sexy.

Oh, that's why I keep it. I have to do a sexy. Oh, that's why I keep it. I have to do a sexy. Oh, that's why I keep it. I have to do a sexy. Oh, that's why I keep it. The poster, salad. Signed poster. Well, it was only if you left. Yeah. If you want a poster. Is this special one still? The special one, the person who gets the special signing on the back of the poster.

There's one poster out there that has a special signing. We did it on the back. We put a personal note, each one of us, to one of you guys. Whoever gets that is going to get a fucking valued back gift. We're going to get you a special gift. Whoever gets that is gonna get us is gonna get a fucking valued Pack gift we're gonna get you a special so whoever gets that poster There's only like 50 left. Whoever gets that and gets the poster with the special on the back is gonna get us very special I love that I love that we're almost getting QVC like like Like 50 left 50 left you're telling me that there's only 50 left on this I'm telling you right now you're telling me there's only 50 left Robert let's go switch over to these new knives

Oh now we've got the gator fight t-shirts if you remember the episode Monster voice to quite a beating on a my favorite episode on his catchphrase one of my favorite episode The gator gay tap I love I have one and you know what? My wife loves it. My children all have one. Yes. The Gator fight T-shirts. And when you're out in the bar and things are going crazy, what is it?

It's a goddamn Gator fight. Yes, I love it. So yeah, get that shirt, goddammit. And the mug too, we get the coffee mugs. Nobody's buying the hats. Yeah, well, the hat's cool. It's very's like why cake WD. It's not fucking hey. I like the coffee I'm the coffee mug. I'm a I'm buying I'm not getting

At that rye cast com top of the page merch go check it out merch spread the word Keep it fucking flowing you guys run believe it. Thanks Merch spread the word keep it fucking flowing you guys are unbelievable thanks for listening to the podcast we got thousands and thousands and thousands of fans down looking at us every Monday and it's getting bigger and bigger every week because you fucking mother fuckers are spreading the word. They're awesome. Oh they're really really we love all the positive reviews and the negative critiques can go find yourself. What do you have to your mind? You're thinking to change things You know what dude? fucking Ron Pogo sticks as he didn't like when we talk about fucking so yeah, I don't want to hear I don't want to hear how the other guys

Stink What what I say I'm back to doing other boys. Those prices. Oh you guys take care You're not gonna get me what I know this game. It's no game Hi bye Oh her laugh. Oh you want to fucking hit it with a knife This is what drove the aborigines Seriously really is this one to listen to that laugh Don't want to listen to that laugh. That's not as African.

I don't know what happened to me. They talk just like them. That's what's weird is they're black people with afros and they talk like Gary from Australia. Hello mate, it's like dude you should have an accent. I'm gonna speak. Dude the fucking, that's what freaks you out about those abysses. They come out with like a towel on.

No flip flops and a razor. It's a doo-sue. Yeah, that's it. They're fucking pump a nickel dark, right? They're just dark people and they have the fucking blonde curly hair and they talk like you know I'm a right. Yeah, that's a freak shout. What's more you meet? And then they like the whole fucking desert on fire once a while. Don't they? Yeah, all right nice talking to you See you guys later. Go fuck yourselves Bye How that laugh just ruins her face What clothes you're here Brown is it yeah okay all right here we are with you know I did tech tech tech talk with Bobby and Joey

All right here we are with Tech talk with Bobby and Dan is supposed to do the tech talk part okay Talk no supposed to wait for me man Why don't we have her do it ready? We're here doing tech talk Say We're here doing tech talk Say Hang on my computer just fucking died get Let's do all do it. Okay, maybe that's We're we're about to do tech

You can't call it off. That's my fault. Okay. All right my fault. I'll take it But at least I know how to fuck take it. I could take it you didn't take it You didn't take any hit ready. We're about. We're here. We're doing one of our favorite segments of the show It's Talk with Bobby and Dan. Oh, it's not it's just not working, but So anyways this week with Tech Talk, what do you have, Dan? Nothing. Really?

I got a cool case for my MacBook. What is that? It's a Swedish case that I bought at the Apple store. A Swedish case. It looks like, it makes my computer look like I work for the the military like the government. It's awesome. No shit. Yeah, it opens up nice black case It's called Thun Thun okay Thun case. Okay. I'm with you from Sweden Sweden. Yeah, Sweden the motherland Sweden motherland Oh, just feed yeah, that's it. I love it.

Hey, dude, you know what? Sometimes buying a case, I have every case there is. I buy all case all the time. The case I have for my iPhone right now is a wallet case. They sell it at the Apple Store. It's actually leather. It's a slim fit case. Most of the wallet cases are fat and bulky.

Which, cool, I don't mind. Speck makes a good wallet case. It's called a slider and you can fit three cards in that one which is great. But it's bulky, it's big, but it protects your phone. If you drop it, it's not going to fucking fuck your phone up. This one is actually leather, it's slim fit. If you drop your phone, you're going to fuck up the front. But you can fit four credit cards in this.

Firstly after the wall, it starts stretching because it's leather, but it still keeps the size of the original iPhone, which I like. I like the design of the iPhone. I think it's sexy, and I did say sexy when I'm talking about a fucking tech. So it's actually kind of cool, but that's not my, so I agree, having a cool case, you know,

you think it's nothing but everybody's out there searching for the perfect case because some of the fuckers like big, like the otter case, I just want to be able to drop it off a building and still have my phone and well my my MacBook is well protected. Right, I actually bought one one time. It was a it's a book. It looked like a it was a case for your MacBook, but it looked like a book, but it was like a medieval book. That's pretty awesome. Yeah, my wife was like, why did you get that?

I think it's pretty awesome. Yeah, she goes, what are you, are you doing spells? Yeah. You look like an idiot. She goes, you're at Starbucks with a fucking medieval book. It's like a thousand year old book. It looks like you're writing stories

from Magic the Gathering app. It looks like you're, yeah, you're, you're, you're, you're reading story. The fucking asshole you stupid wicking. Oh, no. It's fun. Yeah, so I, I suggest just that one. Don't, I know it looks cool, but you look like an idiot

with a book. All right. I think it look cool. I got, I, I want to actually talk about this app out there that I just got that I love. It's called It's called Turbo Scan. It's an app. You have to pay for it. I think it's like two bucks or something like that Maybe four bucks, maybe even five. It might be a little more than that

But maybe anywhere from two to five turbo scan any Anything that you want to do finally with your phone and I run through this when I travel when I go out of the country You have to scan your you know ID or your passport or you have to sign a contract. You know, you got to go home, you got to get a fax machine, you got to get your fucking scanner and fuck all that. Now you can take a picture of something with your phone, a document with your phone, sign it, and then send it back as a PDF. So you can make anything a PDF, a photo, a piece of paper, anything a PDF file and send it to somebody's email, which is great for me because I have to do that all the fucking time.

I deal with PDFs all the time with contracts and negotiating and you know contracts, you know, I don't. Okay, but you're real real you're real in dealing well Yeah, so yeah, it's good. It's good. You just take like You know you get something you got to sign this I'll take a photo of my phone with the turbo scan You can change the gradation of it so it can be lighter or darker So you don't have to worry about this you have an a shitty photo and And it saves it right as a PDF on your phone. So you can open up in the bookstore, type shit,

it notes or whatever the fuck it is. So it's actually, if you're a businessman like myself, business Bob, that's what they call me, and Julio. It's called Turbo Scan. It's an app on the iTunes store, on the App Store, and you should get it, because I fucking love it. Here's actually one, it's like, here's a receipt. So now I take pictures of my receipts on the road for your taxes

So now I have it. I don't have to keep a fucking dumb receipt So now I can just email that to myself or send it to my accountant and I can print it out Oh, well fuck I want to do I have that receipt right there. It's great, right? Awesome. So turbo scan app App store iPhone and that's about it. That's what I have. Do you have anything Kelly? Nope. I don't know, sorry. Give me that fucking...

She's still amazed. Give me that look. She's still amazed by traffic lights. Really? Hi. Give me me, wait a minute, the car's stopped. Why do the big, iron things stop going? I thought Buffalo come, That's when they stop.

No. What's the green mean? Oh, boy. So nothing, nothing. You don't like tech at all. No, I have it. Like, I have, you know, my phone and I have a Mac. But you recommended the other day using Chrome.

It's like the, the book. Yeah. It is fucking awesome. Playsing, right? Five, five, Fox. Five, Fox is shit now. I always thought it was awesome. It takes up too much of the hard drive.

It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, yeah, Chrome is my new one. I like Chrome better than Safari too. Search engine. You put in the, yeah, the same thing. It's great. Yeah, it's the best. You know, Google Chrome, yeah, Google Chrome is the best.

I love, as far as a, how do you change your, how do you change your default? Yeah, it asks you, when you download any browser Firefox Google Safari It will say right when you do you want to make this your default browser just hit yeah So now when you click on any link it opens up Google Chrome instead of the Safari dance very new at the Look at his face Statue it a fucking very new you pocket lips. Look at him. He doesn't look at that. He does. Oh look at that face about a punch it You kissed it

All right, good boy. Hey, fucking dirty girls That's that's a Tech talk with Bobby and Dan Like Luster, just not the same Oh, like lots of. Wow, it's just not the same. I don't know. Someday Joe will come back. Until then, it's tech talk with Bobby and Down.

Boom. Boom. You know what I need I'm stuck in your wild, wild, wild You know what I need But this box, I need this box, I need this box You know what I did? Really did, really, really, really

You know what I did? I just started to stick I'm not gonna do that Me you