Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Alone, UFC 130, Cheating

Episode Date: May 30, 2011

Alone, UFC 130, Cheating Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You know what's the issue? I can start a mistake. You know what's the issue? I can start a mistake. You know what's the issue? I can start a mistake. You know what's the issue? I can start a mistake.

I can start a mistake. I can start a mistake. I can start a mistake. You know what's the issue? I can start a mistake. Yo, all right, check it out. We get a quick little podcast, special edition, Saturday. Who am I kidding? I'm fucking bored. Okay, I'm by myself. I've been alone for days now. Weeks, actually, alone by myself. So this is what I'm doing. I'm doing a fucking podcast. Because I'm alone again. That's what the road is. That's what it is. It's all bright lights and fucking chicks and drugs and fucking parties and you do shows and you make people laugh and fucking sign autographs and Bullshit

That is for some people but not for me not right fucking now It's me By myself alone every fucking morning the only time I'm not alone is one of my mom's stage. As soon as I'm done saying goodbye to everybody, taking some photos, selling some shit, signing some more, it's over. By myself in a cab or getting a ride back to the fucking hotel, to be alone in front of a fucking TV. But you know what? That's the fucking shit that makes you strong. But I tell you what as soon as I fucking catch a break in this Motherfucker of a business

I'm bringing people with me all the fucking time I'm bringing them with me and I'm gonna pay them good cash to be my friends. I'll fucking pay some of you cock suckers I'll pay one of you guys who really likes me. I'll pay you to come with me. How's that sound? Not now. Don't send me emails. Dude, I'll do it. I'm not now. I'm alone. Fucking alone. So I'm gonna do a podcast. We're gonna do a talk about the UFC 130 rampage Fucking fighting hammer the deaf dude I don't make I mean death people just it just makes me laugh the way they talk to me Wow, huh, huh, I want to tell you that I'm not intimidated by It's not funny, but it's funny, you know, it's fucking funny. What are you gonna do?

but it's funny, you know, it's fucking funny. What are you gonna do? Some of what Tourette's is funny. OCD's funny. Some what the hair lip, FNAF, FNAF, that's funny. It's tragic, but it's funny. Look, we all have fucking tragedy. I'm fat and then I get skinny and then I get fat.

I'm honest with it, I make fun of it. I make a living from it. So, whatever, we all have our little fucking things. Oh look at that Boston and Detroit has been delayed the game Speaking of Boston last night fucking Bruins not that I'm a big hockey fan I'm not gonna say that I'm a huge hockey fan. I'm not I haven't been for a long time So probably since nearly was playing was the last time that I fucking enjoyed hockey. I'm not going to sit here. I don't play hockey. I don't, you know, I

never was a huge fan of hockey. Back when Neely and Bork was playing, I was, yeah, I was into it. I was fucking into it. And from Boston, it's a hockey town, you know, but the Bruins are one of the original six teams. I grew up on them. But, you know, bronze or one of the original six teams, I grew up on them, but you know, I never played hockey because, first of all, I can't skate. Second of all, when I used to go to try to play hockey, there was another kid named Bob Kelly, a redhead evil cocksucker, used to try to beat me up every time I'd step near the hockey ring over in Wellington in Medford Try to beat the shit out of me fucking cock sucker Just to scare the shit out of me his name was Bob Kelly

That's why he used to beat me up because he wanted to be the only Bob Kelly I mean I was in second grade third grade And I wish I'd see that fucking cock second. I was probably a monster. It's probably in the UFC kicking somebody's ass, but redheads are, why redheads always fucking evil? But in every fucking movie, they're fucking evil. Christmas story, children of the corn, Malachi. Redheads is just fucking evil.

Just evil, motherfuckers. He used to fucking torture my life. But, so there you go, I don't play hockey because of Bob Kelly, the red head, fucking bully. But I respect hockey. I think hockey's one of the hardest sports out there. Fucking ice skating on two thin blades and beating the shit out of each other,

taking those checks and fucking pucks to the face. Last night a guy got a slap shot to the nose from a fucking puck, holy shit. He just grabbed his face, went back into the locker room, got some shit on his face, and then came back out with his nose all fucked up. That's a pretty bad ass motherfucker. That's pretty badass. But I was good to see them win last night. It was good to see them fucking beat Tampa Bay expansion team. They're the ice down there. Fucking they have a hockey team. It's like the ducks, the mighty ducks. There's from a movie. A fucking that has to bug you. That there was a movie about kids, the mighty ducks with

fucking whatever, whatever the fuck is Nechali Sheen's brother. And it was so popular that they decided to fucking make a professional hockey team and call them the mighty ducks. Come on. And they want to standly cup fucking ridiculous. But last night's game was fucking great game seven It was a great game great series. I'm glad to be kind of back interested in hockey again Just because the Bruins are there. I think that If a Boston team or a New York team is in the playoffs The whole country is interested. It just makes the sport better and whatever sport it is

I could be wrong, but nobody gives a fuck. Nobody's gonna watch Tampa Bay and Vancouver fucking play hockey in America. But if the Boston Bruins are in it, I guarantee the ratings gonna be fucking crazy for the NHL playoffs. So it was fun to see that last night. But let's talk UFC. Let's talk my favorite sport in the world. That's right. Fucking MMA. Fuck hockey.

Fuck baseball. Fuck from the soccer. Fuck India. MMA. Sobbing Fucking And then then Too many fucking octodons Rocking the fucking door Stop that and then stop running I did a mess, shit I'm not gonna have to worry Yeah

Tell one that fucking is a pain What does it mean? Don't have to mind No, I'm not gonna Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, alright, enough of that fucking crazy music. It was a good fight, good night. I'm glad I didn't bite on pay-per-view. You know, I'm really choosy. I mean, I was working anyway, so I couldn't actually want over to the bar next door, gave the guy two free tickets at the door, and they let me in and watch the few of the fights over there, and then I was on stage during Frank Mir and big country and rampage and fucking the deaf guy, Hamil. I got to see Miguel Torres. He got beat actually picked Miguel to win but

Demetrius Johnson fucking beat him Beat him which is great, but Rick story Who I picked you know, there's another guy I was picking Alves before the Elves before the fight Thiago Just because I know I really didn't know much about Rick story, but then I watched the UFC countdown and Rick's story. I was like, holy shit man, this fucking kid. He is a tough motherfucker, just a really bad ass motherfucker. You know, you always get to be careful those guys who come up from nothing. He lived in a single trailer.

Couldn't live with his mom and dad broke up or some shit or his dad die. I don't know what happened And his mom used to beat him So his grandmother took him into a fucking trailer and he lived with nothing had bullshit Got in a lot of trouble and then became a fighter those are the guys you got to watch out for and I want to switch in my pick at the last minute and pick the Rick story because I just thought he was he was just hungrier and You know Tiago he hasn't been the same since same Pierre beat him so Rick story fuck it. It was a good fight great fight really good fight and Frank Meier beat

and Frank Meier beat big country, Ron Nelson, but you know, and Rampage Jackson won, but they, it wasn't the exciting fight, you know, it wasn't this crazy, let's go out. I, I think a lot of these guys have a, you know, they have that title shot in mind, and they know if they go out there swinging, if they go out there and they get fucking knocked out or they make a mistake that they got to go back to the bottom of the line and these guys aren't you know spring chickens they're not young kids they're at the end of their careers or the twilight one might say so they're going in there with a game plan and they're sticking to it. You know, so I, you know, I guess, you know, Dana White was kind of disappointed with, you know, he wants these guys, especially the heavyweight, especially the main event, the co-main event, to go out there and go at it and fucking take each other's heads off and make it an exciting fight. I agree with

them. I agree with them to some point, you know, because, you know, you have the main event, the co-main event. If those things aren't fucking rocking, if the free shows, the free fights on Spike are better than the actual main event, why pay for a fucking main event again? It's like what happened to boxing. You used to pay $50 to watch these heavyweights fight and they were either boring or the guy would get knocked out in 30 seconds It was like fuck this so I understand what he's saying but You know again, Mere hasn't fought in a while

Roy Nelson's just a fat fuck. I mean that's played itself out Rubin is belly who gives a shit, dude You know you can't you gas out in the second round because you're a fat fuck and rampage has a fought in a hot minute and He's fighting Matt Hamill who's boring. He's a boring fighter. It's just boring, you know rampage and the axe murder would have been a fucking great fight, but it didn't happen So Hamill's in there. So, Hamilton, I don't think you can blame rampage as much as the guy that you put him up against. What's he going to do? Go out there and just go swing in and try to, he get fucking knocked out

and he gets beat by Hamilton. I think, you know, and me, I guess kind of the same thing, but you know, I mean, mere knocked out, uh, Czech Congo, he knocked out, uh, what's his name there? Fucking, uh, we get his fucking name, God damn it. I mean, you tell, I just suck. I would suck at this job. If someone ever said, yeah, we want you to be an announcer at a fight. Oh, I just, that's why I get to give Rogan so much credit. He smokes so much weed and he still can remember people's names. Fucking knows exactly what the hell he's talking about. I should start smoking weed. Anyways, it was great fight last night. It was, I, I like the

prelims. I love the free fights on Spike TV. I always like the little guys fighting. It's like women fighters They just go out there and they fucking beat the shit out of each other faster quicker You know, they got more gas It's just to me a better fight The you know the heavy weights you you want those to be good, but those are big motherfuckers. They're too too 40 and up I mean, you know, Shane Colin, Jr. D'O'Sant, that's going to be a great fight. Kane Flaskweas, Brock Lesnar, that's going to be a great fight. Those guys are, you know, the best. Frank Mirr, I don't know, he's one of my

favorite fighters but maybe it's a rap. You know, he's maybe it's a rap. We'll see We'll see what happens rampage Him against bones Jones fuck that that would be fucking epic fight Well, he I guess he broke his hand Before the fight and training or fucking around with one of his friends in a hotel room in Japan And he re-broke it again in in training camp and it's broken so they get to wait and see what happens with that. We won't find out this week until we can see what happens. Hopefully that fight comes through. Hopefully Rampage gets another shot

of the title against Bon Jones. Again, either one I would like to win. That's why I love MMA because if Rampage fought Bon Jones, I don't give a fuck who wins. I want both of them win, but I just want to see them fight. It'd be great fight. So last night was good fights, man. Good fights. And I'm glad they've given away free fights on spike. That's a fucking, that's why the UFC is the shit. You know, they're not just money hungry, fucking you buy it

and you don't get to see shit. You know, they let people watch it on Facebook. It's fucking crazy. It's just unbelievable. And Kenna Grove. Kenna Grove. God damn it. I picked him to win. I picked the fucking Fat Clock Sucker that he was fighting to beat him.

And I won. I actually, I think I only lost one fight, not that I lost it. I didn't fight. I lost Miguel Torres. I was really gonna pick that didn't come through. So I was actually pretty good last night. And another some really crazy news is that Michael Bizzbing is going to be a coach again on the ultimate fighter. That's just crazy. And he's going up against Mayhem Miller. Love Mayhem Miller. Another one of the funniest guys. Him, Rampage, hilarious. That's gonna be good because Mayhem's a shit talker. And so is in Bizzbing. But Bizzbing, you know, mayhem, he's funny.

He can take a joke, he can take a hit. Bizzbing can dish it out, but he can't take it. That's gonna be a really, that's an interesting pick to for the coaches of the Ultimate Fighter. Mayhem Miller and Michael Bizzbing, that's going to be, and they're actually going to fight, it's not going to be a separate event with a, you do a pay-per-view, they're going to fight, I think, free on TV, at the end, when the Ultimate Fighter's fight, that's going to be great. So, you know, they'll fight the same night the guys who win the competition, or who are going to be great. So they'll fight the same night, the guys who win the competition, or who are going to

win the competition, and they're going to fight. I can't wait for next season. That's a really smart move. This season was okay. Brock was cool. Wasn't as exciting as I thought it would be. Junior dos Santos is the nicest guy on the planet, almost uncomfortably nice for a big huge Brazilian guy.

The season was good, it's not over yet, next week is actually the finals I guess. So that's going to be exciting next year, I can't wait to see Mayhem, I'm a big fan of Mayhem, I follow him on Twitter, he's pretty funny, and bugs me, he's actually, he's follows Dane Cook, and he's fans of Dane Cook. Which I, you know, I love Dane, but he doesn't know anything about fighting. Follow me, a cock sucker. So anyway, that's it. That's about it for, uh, UFC, a little MMA. The next fight is coming up.

I think it's next week. I think we're getting back into fight. We had a little break there for a while, but next week I believe I could be wrong. I don't fucking, I think it's just the ultimate fight of finals. Team Lesson versus Team Dosatoes. And then June 11th is the Shane Conor and versus Junior Dosatoes. So it's going to be some es la Shayne, Carmen, y la Junia de los Santos. Así que, es un buen juego. Es muy bueno. Así que, este mes, Jun 4 es el último final de los finos.

¿Qué es que es cool? No sé, creo que es en TV. Creo que es en TV. No, no, no. No sé. Pero... ¿Qué? Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Espectacularismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sincindia aventuras desperan.

Y paraas, vuelas desde Madrid a Murcia y a otros destinos que César prenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea. Parifa sujetas a disponibilidad. Consulta las condiciones en volotea.com. It's kind of weird doing this podcast by myself. I like doing it without somebody else shooting the shit, but I'm alone in Edminton right now, so You're getting me doing it by myself because I have no choice because I'm all alone. That's what the road is. You're fucking alone Most of the day, you know, sometimes you sit around and get work done.

Sometimes you just get depressed and fucking watch TV and flip through the channels until you fall asleep and then you wake up and eat something and get tired and fall asleep again and hopefully take a shower before the show. I'm getting really sick of my act too, which is weird. It's just, you know, I put a couple things together. We have this big show in Montreal we're doing,

this summer at the festival, me, Billy, and Joe de Rosa. It's called Cheat Live, and it's basically a show based on the book and that we're coming out with. And we're going to go on stage and it's kind of like, I guess like a theme show, which is kind of cool. And so I'm trying to come up with jokes about cheating, which is, you know, you know, it usually takes me is you know, you know it usually takes me You know, so I know some guys write jokes. They you know pick a topic and you know, they write about it Just you know joke joke joke joke and set up punch tag and I usually get on stage and just fucking at the cellar somewhere and just rant and go off and

You know do some bullshit You know, and then it leads into something something you know happens to me or whatever I'll go and start talking about it and then it'll turn into a bit and I'll work on it work on it And it'll take me like fucking two years to polish that thing up to make it just a killer 5-10 minute bit just just bam, bam, bam, we're words and different moments and timing and it's like a story. Like I haven't a bit that I created the last year

of the bulk in my ass wax that I just want to stage when I talked about it and just came out and I just been working on it for the last year and now it's kind of, you know, at this solid state, you know, bam, I know where the jokes are. I know it's just a nice little bit. But, you know, so this is going to be a challenge. It's going to be a little different to actually have a topic and go into, you know, have to write jokes specifically for this topic, which

I shouldn't have a problem with. I mean, I've been a fucking scumbag most of my life. Cheating, you know, I've cheated on everybody. Everybody cheats. I don't think there's, you know, very few people out there that don't cheat in some form or another. I think, you know, most people have cheating is, you you know you have a girl or a wife and you fucking some broad behind their back. You know, no vice versa. You have a boyfriend or a husband and you fucking some dude behind their back. Cheating is if you're watching porn and jerking off to fucking porn, that's cheating. you think if your girl, your wife, saw the hard shit that you were jerking off to, that they would be okay with that? No. They want you to fucking think of them.

They want you, why don't you do that to me? Alright, you want me to shit on your face? You want me to fucking get on all fours and have you rub my asshole, you knuckle? Well, you milked me like a fucking baby calf from behind And I don't want to do that with my fucking check. I don't Rather watch it on the internet or pay somebody to do it, but You know massage polish cheating you flirt with somebody you're fucking cheating You jerk off on a webcam to somebody you talk dirty to somebody and tax your cheating I mean everybody fucking does it in some form or another and what degrees You know what degrees do you you know go to purgatory for?

Who knows? You know what will you chick let you get away with? I? Don't know it is cheating. Okay. I don't ah You know I think it's harder I've done the other thing. I've done the cheating on fucking women You know, I think it's harder. I've done the other thing. I've done the cheating on fucking women.

And I think it's harder to actually go the other route and try not to cheat. It's harder to go and try to make whatever you have. Because usually couples will marry people. The person you with is the person you're compatible with. There is no love. They did with. There is no love. They did studies. There is no love.

Love doesn't exist. It's compatibility. People who've been married for fucking 100 years, you know, they're just compatible people. That's why they're, that's why they love each other even more or less than anybody else. They're just, they're compatible. They enjoy each other's company. They compliment each other's company. They compliment each other. So can you fucking get the person You're compatible with to be a dirt ball. Can you get them to like what you like? And can you deal with them liking with what you like?

You know, I you know, I know what my check to be in the rape scenes. I guess You know, I don't want her to fucking be into a, you know, a cuckling videos. It's like fantasy. It's like the taboo shit that you don't want to do in reality. It's like, it's like the Matrix man. It's like you have this life where you're happy and you love being together and you giggle and go to dinner and you do barbecues and you show up at events and you go to movies and you bake fucking cookies and you go to bed and you kiss each other and you hold each other and you watch a fucking movie and wake up the next day and have breakfast and a coffee and a cigarette and walk the dog and it's all great. You have sex and it's good. You know, but you know, then there's that, oh my god, why is it so exciting to, you know, go to massage parlour and have some chick slowly graze your balls and then turn you over and just jerk you off and you're on belly. Why is that exciting? Why is it exciting to just get some new check, a random person, just a sucky dick?

And they know they're not supposed to. You know, I don't fuck a chick in the ass. I don't want to fuck my wife in the ass. It's gross. Ugh. I don't want to, ehh, I'll puke. You know me, I'll fucking throw up. I get mad at my wife if she doesn't clean the toilet after she fucking takes a dump.

I'll fuck, I flip out. I don't want to fucking nougat, I don't want to fucking black. I don't see how black your shit is. I don't even know about that stuff. I guess that's the way I was brought up. I guess that's the fucking horses was brought up. I guess that's the fucking horseshit that I was brought up with. But you know, some chicken, you know,

it's just dirty, man. Man, it feels good. It feels good. And I guess it's harder to actually try to mix the two to make you chicken to a dirty girl, at least dirty to what you like. Because God forbid you turns into a fucking, just a whore.

You know? I think it has to do with, you know, the way you brought up and you're in securities and, you know, sex, I think, for guys is a bad thing. We're brought up that sex is a disgusting thing. Women have brought up that sex is beautiful and love and making love and babies and guys have brought up just suck it and swallow my load, jizz on faces and love and making love and babies and guys are brought up just suck it swallowed my load, jizz on faces and you know and then you get mixed up in the middle of what's okay and what's not and you get fucked up so it all comes down to you making decisions of what is okay

with you and then applying them to your relationship and being okay with the person you love doing that shit, knowing that she's not gonna fucking turn into some scank and sell her pussy on the corner. It's hard. And maybe sex is just too much emphasis on sex. Maybe, you know, it's like food, it's like drugs, it's like alcohol, it's like smoking. You know, we have so much emphasis on fucking Maybe fucking isn't that important. Maybe dropping you load or having an orgasm isn't that important when you just make it important

It's a it's an escape. It's a release. It's you know I know when I go on the road man. I fucking jerk off if I jerk off in the day I get bummed out late at night because I didn't save it You know when I'm really lonely late at night in the hotel room and I got nothing, you know, I don't even want to jerk off because I already dumped fucking a nut at 12 in the afternoon. I try to save it just to give me some to do. So it's, it's, you know, maybe it's too much pressure on it. Maybe we take it for granted or we don't take it serious or not for it.

I don't know, man. Cheating is a weird thing. It's sex. Gay guys, it's a great example. They don't... Gay guys, they're together, but sex is physical. Being together is a Mosul. That's two different things. You can go to a steam room and get your

fucking cock sucked by a twink. And go home and, you know, if you get caught, it's not a big deal. You can't go to a movie and take the other person out of the dinner and, you know, stay over. And, you know, you can't do that, but you can fool around, you can fuck off sexually and play around. It's okay. I've talked to a fucking a shill out of gay guys about that. It's emotional and physical, two different things. In a woman man relationship, it's not.

They don't, women don't do that. Men do that, but women don't do that. Women it's the same. It's emotional. Sex is emotional. For not all women, but most. So it's going to be challenging. I'm going to try to write some stuff. I'm just not going to work on it this weekend. Hopefully next weekend I'll be able to throw it and I'm going to Miami, which is a totally different vibe. You know, Canada, the crowds listen, they're not crazy, they don't really heckle, you know, they're not crazy, huge, oh my god, laughter is, you know, they're good, but they're good crowds. You can slow down a lot and really get into thoughts up here. You can kind of slow down and think on stage and deliver stuff as thought instead of

like, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, and just fucking, you think on stage and deliver stuff as thought instead of like baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa and just fucking you know step on the gas the whole time. Miami's a little like that especially you know usually the middle is down there a little you know amped up so you get to really go out and kick the fucking door down and step on the gas the whole time out there which I don't fucking like you know I don't like that anymore. My voice gets fucking cracked.

I feel like I'm just trying to, I hate trying, I hate feeling like I'm trying to make you laugh. I like just being out there and not even thinking about it. And stuff just coming up and doing jokes in the middle of other jokes. And last night's set was like that. The second show Saturday, the crowd was so cool and attentive that I just did jokes inside of jokes and did jokes where they didn't go and went back to jokes and tried new shit and it was great.

It was really fun. I had a blast. Miami isn't really like that. So I mean, I haven't been there in a couple years. So maybe they are. Maybe they've changed. But next week, I got to force myself to do it. So I'm going to be trying to write and listen and record the next couple weeks so that when we do this show in Montreal I think we're all going to have some

chunks probably from our act that we already do that will fit into the show but you know some new stuff on cheating. And the show is going to be interesting. I don't know if it's going to bomb. I don't know if it's going to kill. You know, our movie is going to be playing up there too, which is going to be cool. So it's going to be interesting. I'm going to step and try a new form of, you know, comedy, not that I don't write comedy. I do. I write jokes

down and you know, this guy who just write jokes, this guy who perform and this guy who just, you know, I think you have to have a little bit of everything. And you know, in the last couple of years, in the last year, I've written more than in my whole career, you know, with the book and the script and the pilot, all this crazy shit I've written more than in my whole career, you know, with the book and the script and the pilot, all this crazy shit I've been writing and writing and the one thing I learned, you know, when you do like shows like Red Eye and they give you the topics at four o'clock, you have to turn in your opinions, they're not really jokes, they're opinions with jokes in them by six o'clock.

So you've got to go over all this information about, you know, Trump or Obama or whatever the fuck's going on in Egypt and come up with your opinion and jokes inside of that. So, you know, that's what, you know, that's joke writing, which, you know, I kind of learned that from little Jimmy, you know, he used to do those shows and when he was on Tough Crowd and, you know, we talk about, you know, you get the topics and then you'd have to write these jokes by five o'clock and turn them in and they'd have to approve them. And I used to see him do it and Joraldo do it and you know, I wasn't really as good as I was a really good at it back then. But I've gotten a lot better in the last couple years to learn how to see the joke and write the, you know,

set up punch tag and call back to it. And, you know, it shows like red, I really help you with that, at least me. So, it's gonna be interesting. Next week I'm in Miami. That's gonna be crazy. My wife's coming down too, which is, you know, yeah. She doesn't come to Edminkton or fucking, you know,

Kentucky or fucking, wherever the fuck I was. She won't come to the shithole, but she'll come to the fucking Miami. Right, I stayed, I don't need her down there. She's gonna come down there and cock block me all weekend. So, anyways, this podcast was just a little quicky, around 32 minutes, I'll probably go 34 minutes. I'm going to do another podcast tomorrow,

probably going to try to get somebody else on it. Again, I like doing this with other people mainly, but I am going to be doing these alone once in a while, because I'm alone on the road and I have nobody. So I figured I'd talk to you guys and do a podcast. So I hope you liked it. If you didn't, you know, go fuck yourself. If you did, then good. I don't want to e-mails too. You got to deal with other people. It's no good with just by yourself. Shut the fuck up. Shut up. I okay, fine. Well then you don't listen I'll make

sure that you know when you at the beginning I'm by myself so you can head stop and delete. And I don't want to hear from the people that like hey I like you better by yourself you should fuck the other people you do I don't want to hear that either just listen to the podcast Like them all for what they are. But do me a favor. If you're going to listen to these things, go to iTunes and subscribe. You got to subscribe to my podcast. I don't know how many people listen to this. Maybe it's five. Maybe it's fucking 10,000. I have no idea. But go to my my my iTunes and subscribe to it and leave a review. But more than the review, subscribe. And don't try to be witty in the review and say some fucking, hey, give me hit. Hey fat fuck and I love you. You know, just leave a good review. Can you just support somebody without fucking try to be a douche first?

Just you know not that some of them aren't funny But you know just leave a goddamn review and subscribe though. That's important That's how you get ranked on iTunes and I don't want to go and subscribe fucking to myself a million times Just to get ranked I don't even know why ranked is important. You know what? I mean, subscribe, but I don't fuck it. Who cares? You know, I get into that shit where I want to, you know, I want to be ranked up there with all the other fucking comics that have podcasts. You know, this is basically me, you know, with a microphone on my computer talking shit to you guys, you know, whatever the fuck's on my mind. You know what, dude? I was thinking

about cheating, dude. I know. That's exactly what it is. So I hope you like this one. Doing another one in the next couple of days with I'm going to try to get Kathy Carrey, who's the author of Cartoon Therapy. It's a cartoon book, but it's pretty edgy. It's about this, you know, all her sexual fucking experiences with dudes and sucking dick and fucking. So hopefully I'll get her on this week. See if Norton or somebody else maybe calling. We'll do it. Maybe Joe, we'll see if Joe.

But last time Joe did it, it was a little fucking cocky. He was doing me a favor. He's doing it. So I don't know Uh, you know, I mean I'm a little exposing Joe to people and letting him fucking be creative. So like he has a podcast Not nobody's clamoring to do his fucking podcast Then I asked him to do mine and he's all he's getting a little cocky like I gotta go. I gotta go fuck you My my Joe might be on fucking hiatus for a while You know, I, I don't think he, I don't know if he's into it.

So, you know, fuck him. I gotta go, fuck him, I'll get somebody else. I'll get Bill Dawes to do it, just to piss you guys off every week. But that's it, I'll talk to you guys later. Thanks for listening. You know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what I did For this concert, I'm excited You know what I did Really, really, really, really

You know what I did you