Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Answering Questions with Joe D

Episode Date: May 24, 2011

Answering Questions with Joe D Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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That's your new name I guess Joe just dropped his cookie That really is my cookie. It just seems to give somebody the cookie. Now that's not happening. I drop a fortune cookie. Here's your fortune shattering to the ground.

And you fucking OCD won't let you fucking just leave it there. You gotta pick it up and all the crumb. Yeah. Yeah, so I'm weird like that when just leave it there. You gotta pick it up and all the crumb. Yeah. Yeah, it's something I'm weird like that. When I spill crumbs and food before I pick it up, you know? That is weird, Joe. It's a goofy thing that I have.

Well, I mean, right now, I mean, we're in the middle of a fucking podcast. Well, I dropped the fortune cookie. That was our first bit, was reading the fortune cookie. All right, well, that's what we're gonna do. Well, let's open your fortune. We just, just to back up a little bit Me and Joe been working all day on some Montreal videos with Billy and do a bunch of things

We're doing other stuff all day too. We were doing other stuff. We'll get into that after all right settle down And we ordered ribs Joe's favorite Chinese Barbecue ribs which are fucking meat candy if I should say They're real good. Oh, they're fucking great. There's so much fat and Gristle and burnt meat and sauce. They were little burnt tonight. I like a bird. I don't like when they're burnt I look when they're bright red. I like that burnt pork Yes, I am smoking for all the people that don't like

smoking. That's why this podcast is full. You can smoke on it. I should have gave you this one. God, the jokes. All right. All right. All the jokes we could have made. Oh, well, you think you can't do the jokes on you fucking shit dick? Nope. I'll put this one. Really? I fucking I'll sacrifice it. I'll give you my cookie. I want the cookie though. You take the fortune. I'll take this fortune All right, okay, and we'll read them. You ready? Yep Oh, thank you. What does yours say you're ready to take on the world? You know what fuck you Read yours though

Like says you cannot run away from yourself. You're always right behind you. Is that a fat chance? Exactly. That's the most negative. What you cook you have ever read. This is just... It's like saying, why are you jogging?

Just go back to your couch. What are you doing? Oh shit. That's funny, man I love the mind was so positive my wife downstairs. She wants me to go downstairs and meet her Right now yeah, we just started this thing. I know we're gonna fucking do this Excuse me anyways nice to have a wife. Yeah, well, yeah, it is nice to be married Remember that from the untouchables when he says that it is nice to be married. Remember that from the untouchables when he says that. It is nice to be married. Yeah it's nice to be married. You're right when he says that. Yeah.

What about you? You're like being alone. You're like being a single guy. No. I don't. Not anymore. You know I don't know. Do I go back and forth man? Sometimes they really hate it and sometimes I love it. But it sucks at times. Like right now I want to get a dog, you know? You want to get a little... oh shit. I want to get a dog and... Hold that thought Joe, one second. And go Joe.

Yes. And that's when, you know, times like that, or when it's, you know. I want to get it, but then a lot of people tell me now that have dogs that are relationships with dogs are being like, dude, what are you crazy? They're like, dude, it's tough for me and I got a girl at home to help me with it. Like, you're going to be alone with a dog, you're never like, dude, it's going to drive you nuts after a while. You're going to have to get up really early, you're going to have to come home all the time when you don't want to. You gonna have to get up really early You're gonna have to come home all the time when you don't want to you're gonna get up every night

You're gonna give every morning you're gonna take them out in the afternoon of pace somebody and you gotta be home by a certain time to walk them What do you do when you just want to have like a night out? You just can't well some people I mean get a cat like I'm allergic gonna hate cats We get a fucking little baby dog like the little teacups, those little fucking teacups, you're a little pissin' their little box. They're such pussy dogs. They're fucking cool dogs. You can take them with you.

You want something that loves you, Joe. You don't want, it doesn't matter how big it is. You want something to lick your face, unconditionally love you, be there for you all the time. You need some responsibility in your life to take care of something else other than you fucking self right that's what you want so fuck it yeah you have to be home at 11 11.30 to walk your fucking

well when you have spot you can't be on a level when you have spots even dude okay we'll get the little fucking dog that pisses in the, uh, the fucking, the we we pass and shits and shit. Come to think of it. I don't know. Anybody in each single comic that has a dog. Yeah. They're all in relationships where they were the wife for somebody, you know, when

you're out, you walk it. Yeah. Well, let me tell you some, have a dog is a pain in the ass, but I do have a wife that takes care of one of the road. So I would suggest you going therapy. That's what I would suggest. Learning how to love yourself and become better in relationships, open up emotionally, and maybe getting a woman in your life that could, you know, be here to give you the same affection and unconditional love that you desire.

You fronted out a little dog though. Maybe you just said it, you can't. Well, maybe I will get a teacup one. What are you gonna do when you go on the road? Bring it with me. You're gonna bring the dog, well you wouldn't have the hotel, they put you in, doesn't it?

Have dogs. I'm gonna just have to start saying, look, you know, I need to go to where they can have a dog. Sorry. What, where I could board it? I mean, I'm not worried about that. I can't board, you know, I need to go to where they can have a dog. Sorry. What were I can board it? I mean, I'm not worried about that. I can't board a baby little dog. Why?

It's cruel. It's not a baby, it's just small. You're gonna board it every time you go away. You know what you cost a board a dog? No, I'm not gonna board it every time, but the times that I can't bring it up board it, or I'll pay somebody to come in and walk it. No, you can leave it with me. Well, you won't in and walk it. You know, you can leave it with me.

Well, you won't let me, but. I'd let you leave your dog with me. All right, well then I'll leave it with you. I'd take your dog if it's a little one. My friend, Josh, I could probably leave it with him. Like, there's, I've researched that. I'll figure out something when I go away. But part of the reason I want to get a small dog is

because I want to be able to travel with it. If I go to my mom's, I want to be able to bring it on the train with me. Well, you're not supposed to bring dogs on the train either. You're not at the height. You can bring them as long as they're small enough to fit into the carry-on case. You bring them on planes. They just have to be small enough to fit in those little cases.

You're going to pay sometimes for an accident. Some airlines didn't make you pay for a dog. Yeah, I know. I know. I thought about all that. I just... All right. Well, twenty of those things, it's like when I moved into this apartment,

you said the same thing when you moved into your first apartment, whatever, you first moved in with Dawn. I moved into this apartment. I was like, I don't know how I'm gonna pay for that one bedroom in Manhattan. You know, I was living in Harlem with roommates. It was, right, my warrant went up crazy just to what I was paying, but I was like, ah, figure it out, it's just that's your lifestyle. You know, it's like you have a kid, you figure it out. Yeah, yeah, not worried about that. I'm more worried about the day-to-day lifestyle of just, you know, dude, you know how hard,

even on a Tuesday night, it's impossible to be home at 11. If you have spots, it's almost impossible. Right. So it's like, be home at 11 if you have spots. It's almost impossible. Right. So it's like maybe a teacup. Well, it's a little box. You know, you get a little box and you wee-wee and you clean the be through the pads out and that's it. Well, you know, you could do earlier spots. Do 9, 10, 10, 30. Yeah. That's what I do. I don't know.

It's also tough. We've talked this too. When you single, that time after your spots, that's almost like time with your wife. That's your time to go out and like, you try to meet a girl. You know, you try to have that social time or be with your friends or whatever. It's like because, you know, you were home all day doing the shit you needed to be doing. You're doing your work and you're writing it, everything. You know, but you don't have that living in person to grow with whatever should you go out on your dates or you're seeing somebody whatever it is you know it's like most of the time you went to massage follow years years and you sure years yeah positive

I'm in my mind I wouldn't lie to you I thought you I thought you told me about a massage follower like maybe eight months ago. I probably told you about one being like there I know where there's a good one but I didn't go. I haven't gone for ever been. I can't I that was one of those other things like where they were they're fun they're great but at the end of it I'm like why did I do that I could have bought. I've have bought two video games. You never walked out of a massage parlour and said, why did I do that? I've done that with hookers, I've done that with regular square chicks, I've never,

ever come out of a massage parlour and said, why did I do that? Every time I've walked out, I needed that. That was beautiful. Because of the massage factor, because they give you a massage. And then they shack you off. It's the fucking best. Yeah, I can care less about the massage. I love the fucking massage. I love getting massage.

I love, you know, one of my favorite things in the world is to get massages. And then to get jerked off at the end of it That's fantastic. I've never thought I think it should be legal in Marriages to be able to go get a massage not all the time right if you save your money in your own little account You know something outside of the fucking family, you know budget domestic. Yeah, the nest egg. Right should be able to I should be able to take some of my CD money and fucking go get jacked off. Right. Well, I mean, you know, look, I'm not good. I like it. I'm a big fan of it. I have a thing with we were talking about this earlier today. The same, it's the same reason why I don't go on vacations a lot because if it's not tangible and I can't hold on to it I have a hard

time justifying it. I really do. Well you might as well just come out with it. The reason why we were talking about it earlier is because we recorded a whole podcast and you deleted it. Now we got to do it again. Yeah, uh, yeah, this is podcast number two. Even, even though we could have just went on and said it was number one, we, uh, answered all your questions in the emails and did everything. And then at the end of it, I forgot to, uh, hit some button and it deleted the email. Yeah, the save button.

It's the button. I wasn't the save button. Another button came up, Joe. You must have hit don't save. There's a, but it says save and don the button. I was in the save button. Another button came up, Joe. You must hit don't save. There's a, it's a save and don't save. Look, I don't know what I did, but I fixed it. We're back, okay? And I'm still like him, it's gone because if you didn't

delete it, it's gone. It's, you know, it's, I don't know, it's gone. It's gone. Well, whatever. All right. So, a lot of the questions was was have you ever been to Jamaica? This is from David right, okay? Censulo, whatever the fuck your last name is heading down heading down this weekend for the first time other vacation spot

You recommend also wanted your bus Billy Burz balls a little bit on the thingos. No, that's somebody else But anyways, yeah, he's going to Jamaica this weekend. I've never been. Neither have I. By choice though. I've couldn't, I could have went a bunch of times I would never go to Jamaica in my life. Well, yeah, because you were saying before that it's a play, you know, there's,

it's one of those vacations where they tell you don't leave the resort. Yeah, that's good. That's who you want to go. Yeah, you know, they also have that. It's called prison, right? Yeah, I know I'm not fucking going somewhere where you can't leave the compound right because you'll get killed right it's stupid

Especially if you go with your chick Maybe if I was going by myself look I've been to Guatemala twice. I'm Michael to Burma next month You know, I'll go to somewhere dangerous with my friends, but if I'm going with my chick, I'm not going. That's why I go to Rubin, 2% crime rate, that's it. Except for that dumb bitch Natalie Holloway who went out after a fucking drink at all night

with some fucking locals, that's stupid. But Jamaica, fuck that, Jamaica, Mexico, you crazy. You crazy, why would you go somewhere on a vacation to be stressed out? Right. No, I know. Well, I'm stressed out whenever I go on vacation. You never been on vacation. No, I have.

I went to Italy a year ago. And you stressed out? And you stressed, man. Yeah, I had fun, but because you're at the end of it all see when you when you don't go with the girl I want my friend you don't have to tell people that you didn't go with the girl and they know that right right but when you go at your friend you know it's you end up doing the dumb guy shit you would do here but you're spending three times the amount of money you know at the end of the day what do we do we

went to a bunch of bars we we got loaded, we saw a couple sites like, well who can't? Yeah, it's like, it's like, dude, that's all we did. Food was tremendous, best food I've had in my life. I got to see my cousin over there, which was pretty cool. You know, meet his family that I've never met. That was great. That was a really beautiful experience.

But at the end of it, you're like, man, that just cost me like two grand. You know, it's- Yeah, but you went to fucking Italy, man. I know you're stressed out, but you're stressed out because you stressed yourself out. When I first started going on vacations, I would stress myself out. You got to do this. You got to do that. You got to-

When you go on vacation, the way I have it now, and I had a school my fucking wife on this, because especially when you go with a woman, they turn into a magellum, you know, they get to discover like it's a new country, you know, everything I heard about this place and this thing and this restaurant, my friend Jenny told me this is a place where you have baskets made with your name in it,

where she get, you know know we went fucking everywhere by the end of the trip I needed another vacation right from the fucking vacation and I we got a big fight we're gonna fight in our fucking honeymoon dude because we were on a honeymoon in Maui she had me waking up in fucking three in the morning to drive up a volcano to watch the sunrise. Right. And then we stopped at a lavender farm on the way down. Yeah. Dude, what the fuck? We're gonna fight right alooa. I was like, I'm more stressed out now than I was before I came here. Right. I go, this is bullshit. And never again. Now when we go on vacation, we don't plan shit. We wake up, we get food, we sit there and then it just happens.

What do you want to do? Nothing. We go do nothing. What do you want to do? Let's go try this. Okay, let's go fucking check that out. I like to go on trips. You know, the kind of trips I like though. I like, I'm just simple dude I like like road trips I've been on a bunch of road trips in my life yeah had a complete ball we drove up I drove across the southwest one time from uh I lived in Austin at the time so I we we drove from Austin we drove all through the deserts in Texas and everything we stopped in uh lost cruises New Mexico then then with Albuquerque, New Mexico, then went to the Grand Canyon, North Rim, for a few days, then we drove down to Vegas, then we drove back to

Los Cruz, or to Albuquerque for a while, then we came home. That was a blast, man. I had a blast doing that. I did that. I did that. Me, Frosty, Burke-Crisher, and Vinny, his manager, rented a big RV and went through Utah Arizona

Grand Canyon we hit all those spots and then we want I want to flip it out Like he almost fighting everybody because I had to back up there RV and I hit a tree and I ripped the on him And I was all mad because they weren't helping me And it was all mad because they weren't helping me. She was just fun. And if we got a fucking argument, we went up in the Grand Canyon with Blast. I know it's some Indian trannies. We just fucking Indian to lipstick.

That's great. And then, yeah, that was a fucking blast. I like shit like that. I did it up the East Coast before too, where my parents were moving home from Florida. Yeah. And they needed to save some money, so they were like, well, if we fly you down here,

will you drive our car back up so we don't have to pay to get the car moved up or what? I mean, she's then they were like, you can do whatever you want on your way up. And we'll pay for everything. So I went down, my two buddies flew down with me. We drove from, we spent the first night at Disney World, then we drove to Atlanta the next day.

We spent the next night in Atlanta with my buddy Jim, went to some party, went at great time, Jim hopped in with us, then went to North Carolina to an Indian casino, gambled, made a shitload of money, you know, stopped off when swimming, all that shit. It was a blast. That's fun, but you're also in America. But I think Americans should travel out of the country yeah should go to uh... tropical places i go to fucking Jamaica fine i wouldn't go because i would be too stressed i wouldn't go with my wife

and i don't smoke weed so i wouldn't fucking go at all i'd rather i'd rather go to fucking a rubour of saint barter some other fucking place, the keys. I'm all for travel and I think traveling out abroad and all that stuff is great. And it's like that's the kind of thing, I've done it a lot with comedy. I'm in Holland and China and all this stuff. Yeah it is. But I'm just saying like when I get to do that, I'm excited.

Yeah. Just a disengage in my life. If I'm going to drop drop to grand it would make me happier than going away and coming home again because I can for me right now I get the same relaxation I go into my moms for three days and see my boys from home and I'm kicking back. Yeah I have a good time doing that you know and then but like for me now it's like if I was going to drug to grant I'd be way happier going out you know buying a computer buying a new Xbox buying some video games buying a jacket that I want you know shit like

that that was turning all of it and going to get another one that would make me really happy yeah no I mean I do both I'll go buy everything you know we're both trying to fill the hole with something but I think a vacation is important but have fun and fucking Jamaica. Someone else brought up the Andrew actually wants to sad, sad passing of Randy the Marchion Man Savage. Yeah I know I was bummed about that when I heard that. Yeah man I'm really connected emotionally bummed about it like wow that's sad. I was legitimately went oh man Come on do what yeah, I was yeah, I was It didn't smatch oh man, dude. I was a huge fan of the guy. What was he doing? I kept saying here's why I was really bummed

I kept saying that I was hoping they were gonna bring them back on WWE They just brought heart back last night. Yeah, I heard hoagans coming back And it was like I was like they should bring back Motro man the guy still ripped He was still a brick house. Let's like do bring this guy back. He was awesome man and and that's that's the main reason I was bummed It's like and you know how do he die? I know he got a car accident I heard that he had a heart attack while he was driving and then he had a car You know crush his car because of that

Jesus Christ. So he had a heart attack. He didn't die from the car I don't know if the I don't know the heart maybe the car crash put the finishing touches on it. Yeah, I don't know And that's sad. I guess I mean I don't it's hard for me to fucking emotionally connect to death when people I don't know it's hard to do it but people I do know Never mind, you know people I don't know. It's hard to do it, but people I do know. Never mind, you know, people I don't know, you know. I mean, I don't, people get sad that Michael Jackson or fucking all these people die and it's like, it might bummed out no. I mean, he had no effect on my life whatsoever. I didn't think about him any at all ever. And then they pass away, like, oh shit. I mean, it sucks. Because it would be great to have him come back to the WWE that would have been fun but you know I mean he's just that's what it is I get bummed

when you're like we're not going to see any more stuff from that guy that makes me sad I you know you know you know you know you know you're actually real for him that sucks that you have like the day of yeah you what sucks is that he was going fuck the apocalypse is never gonna happen Yeah, and then he fucking he's dead. He must be like really just me That'd be funny if he was in heaven like I had an apocalypse shit happened Not Randy come over we're to talk to everybody still back Yeah, you why everybody's oh you mr. Is there all down you You know they shivering back as piper piper that should do a piper's pick I

Just watched that they live yesterday great fucking movie. Yeah, he he's first fight scene that get suplexes and all of the fights keep David. Yeah, he fights him in the alley and they do a suplex cement fucking great movie. Yeah. But yeah, they brought back heart. The rock came back this year. And I think if they bring back Piper, that'd be fucking great. The Piper's the fuck. He's doing comedy now. He's kind of back in the mix a little bit. I follow him on Twitter. He's doing like road gigs at comedy clubs.

Is he still kind of jacked? He was never jacked. Piper was really never that jacked. Right. He always had a shirt on. He was kind of, you know, bulky, regional Superman barrel chest again. He was never a jacked. But Piper's pit. What the fuck? Give her ay guy he's never right Jack but Piper's pit what the fuck give her watch that shit on YouTube what was Piper's pit Piper's pit was his talk show man I don't know dude YouTube Piper's pit check out that when you hit him in the rock at two of the funniest motherfuckers ever on a mic uh funniest motherfuckers ever he must have been on cult too because he was out of his mind did you see the episode of it's always sunny that he was on?

Not in oh man funny. Yeah, it's great He plays a wrestler. He doesn't play Piper, but he plays a wrestler No shit, and they hire him. Yeah, they they're gonna do they put on a wrestling event to try to raise money for the troops And they're gonna be wrestlers, dude It's really funny episode, but he plays like a fucking lunatic in it. Yeah, he's fucking great, dude. Yeah. He's really good. I'm watching tough enough, too.

The rock was on tough enough this weekend, and they had James Rode was on it, too. I'm back into wrestling, dude. I watched Raw last night with Hart, and then that crazy black guy. Who? I don't know his fucking name. He's fucking enough I forget his name in the Miz. It's getting good again. It's coming back Let's move on to another question here Kevin McLaughlin. Oh, Gloclin. What are the fucking name is?

Kevin you wanted to know About the politics of playing certain clubs getting asked to come back and how difficult it is for comics to find good agents managers, and they have to just to find their cut. What? I got it. We're wrapping up. I got it in a shower. Yeah, we're going to wrap up in two seconds, Joe. All right, sorry.

We'll be done by eight. Well, I got to be done before eight, because I got it. All right, we'll be done in five minutes. All right, sorry. Maybe done by eight. Well, I got to be done before eight, because I got to. All right, we'll be done in five minutes. All right, that's fine. You lived this on the last podcast. You didn't learn your lesson. And you did it again? What, what, what, what, what didn't do nothing again?

We're wrapping up. You go, we're going to watch the clock. And you're going to get more watch. I'm watching the clock. I didn't say that. All right, we're wrapping up. All right, we're wrapping up. Well, here the thing is, there's, and there's another question too

that it came in that was kind of goes together with certain clubs, alternative comedy and why people give it such a fucking trashy. Alternative comedy to me, I don't think there is alternative comedy. I mean, it's just comedy. It's under the same fucking umbrella. It's just they have a different venue that they perform in because you know, they can't get into the clubs I don't think they could get into the mainstream clubs especially during the 90s and 80s late 80s You had to be that stand-up guy set up punch TV right these guys started talking about a little different shit and going about a little

Different way. I love fucking performing your your your Tuesday night room is alternative quote unquote right. I love it. I have fucking blast every time I go down. Yeah it's fun man. You're right. Funny's funny. It doesn't matter. Everybody ends up in the same place anyway. Everybody. Everybody you know you know whether you're David tell or Mark Marin Z's or a season sorry Zach or Louis CK or Pat Noss wall or Dave. It doesn't matter every one of those guys Is either still out on the road playing clubs or they went through clubs to do theaters or whatever it is like to everybody Everybody ends up in the same place. Yeah, you can't say that I'll turn to

guys don't want to become famous, because all of them are famous. Most of them are famous. Zach's doing a part two. Once you do a part two of a hit movie, you're famous. It's it, you're done. Yeah, yeah.

It's not an indie. Yeah, I think it's a major grossing picture of part two. Yeah, I think it's a it's a major grossing picture part two. Yeah, I think anybody and all the fucking comedy in that started to cut you off is fucking did joke fart jokes. Well, it is. Yeah, yeah. One of the number one movies did did joke fart joke movies of all time, you know, one of the biggest alternative guys

in the fucking room is fucking on it and he's doing part two. What's the thing? It's fun. If it's funny, it's funny. That's it. And anybody on either side of that argument that points fingers at the other side and goes, all of you stink on either side of it, whether you're an archive club guy, it's just stupid. It's stupid. You go on where you go on, you go on wherever you want to go on. and if you get something out of it, that's great. And if it's, as long as you're not going on, better than you, than who cares?

It just does come a little snobbery with the alternative rooms that somehow, some people, I think it's people like, well, this is better comedy. It's not. Well, that's not all the rooms. There are rooms that do that. Just like there are clubs that treat you like, you know, that's like saying.

I won't name names because I don't want to get into all that, but like, you know, that's like if you go to a. If you go, if you hear the thing that our clubs stick, they treat you like garbage, they, they're, they're sexist, they're racist, It's like look, dude. We know clubs. Yeah better like that. Yeah, but That's not a fair that's not a fair representation of all clubs They're great clubs out there. There's nothing like that where the crowds are wonderful and they're not dumb and they're not too drunk Just like with alternative rooms are there rooms that are hipsters, naughty? The food room of course. that's on all of them. She just don't go to those rooms. And funny trumps everything.

If you're funny, you can work in anywhere, anytime, or any other comic. And as far as the political things about getting into clubs, again, funny. It's not about management or agents or clubs. You just got to be funny. You can't worry about what clubs you're in, and what clubs you're not in. You can't worry about what clubs you're in and what clubs you're not in.

You can't worry about the festivals liking you and not liking you or an agent liking you. You're gonna go through a bunch of agents. You're gonna go through a bunch of festivals. I'm here, a bunch of managers. It's funny, trumps everything. Once you're funny, people will want to make money off of you. Just that's what clubs are, that's what agents what agents are they if they can make money off you

Right and the only way you get to that point is by being funny, right? So all you have to do all you have to worry about none of that shit just worry about Becoming better as a fucking comic. Yeah be funny be respectful be humble But be driven and all that shit will follow man That's it. You don't need man. Fuck, I'm not. You don't need humble. No you do man because if you're you know you don't want to be some kid that kills in his local scene and then comes to New York with this arrogance because then nobody

wants to talk to you. No, you just do. That's what I mean you got to be a little humble man. Well look dude you be you. That's what you're going to be. I mean you be you. You're respectful as humble. Okay.

If you're I don't I don't believe you have to be any certain type of way. But you think Patrice is humble? Uh, no, but I also think he, but, but there are different, there are different aspects to humility. It's like, do I think he's humble in an argument or in a conversation or on stage? No, I don't, but do I think that if he was going after something in the business He would carry himself the way he needed to and say yeah, I think that dude Spike Lee called him at his house, and he was like, why you calling me? All right, we probably should we only talk about this on the air. Well, I'm just saying he's talked about it on the he's talked about on

ONA. Okay, you know, I mean I'm saying but no because he has a point. It's like, dude, why do you get to, you know what I mean? I can't just call you. It's like, you know, because now it is point is, I can't negotiate with you. I have to just, oh my God, he's not. That's not hum, that's not not being humble though. That's what I'm saying. I'm talking about like, I read a quote from Colin once

where he said, what's your advice to your in comics? And he goes, keep your mouth shut and just listen. Young comics come around, they think they know everything and they talk too fucking much. That's what I mean. It's like you go into the cellar and you sit down at the table, sit down at the table and listen for a little while. I wish you fucking took your own advice when you came out.

Please, dude, I took the shit knocked out of you guys. It was just an asshole. Oh yeah. No, okay. All right, one of the other questions is, is what is one of your favorite ones? shit knocked out of you by you guys. It would just an asshole. Oh yeah. Yeah. No, okay. All right, one of the other questions is, what is one of your favorite ones? Uh,

the bluer gold downtown, seventh street between first and second. Cheapest drinks in New York, great shoe box, true dive bar, but not CD. Really? Uh, not too village hipster-y, just a great spot, man.

You get a, you get yourself a crown royal royal or a Jameson or a Greygoose for like four bucks. You get yourself a beer for three. You know, you're gonna run the drinks for 11 bucks. It's a great fucking spot. I love it. All right. Well, Joe, you can go get ready.

I'm gonna finish off the last questions for me. So I'm gonna finish it off. You go get ready. You make yourself in home, Bob. I'm fucking gonna make myself at home. You jackass. I got to wrap up this podcast. That's a you stood up 18 times. That was that was residual bird, right?

Apology. What's residual bird? When I was hanging on the screen, I said something. He goes, oh, make yourself in home, Joe. All right. So anyways, another thing when I'm going to talk about by myself because Joe knows nothing about sports. Who's in the playoffs for the NHL?

Oh no, no, no, no, no. Who's in the playoffs for the NBA? The Bulls. Okay. Well, Jesus, you know, one team. Who are they playing right now? Nassau. Nassau? What the fuck is Nassau? I don't know. All right.

Anyways, what do you pick for UFC 130 and why? All right, well, if I was going to give you my picks, fucking Jimmy, of course I'm going to give you the why. I'm going to have to pick rampage, man. If rampage can't be a hammer, I don't know, man. I'm gonna have to pick rampage man if rampage can't be Hamill I don't know man. I mean Rampage has been in the business for a long time. Hamill's a good wrestler

He's for for those of you guys who don't know. He's the deaf one. So rampages smack talk isn't gonna be able to get under his skin And fuck with them psychologically because he can't hear them. So you know, you got to just go in there and and fight. But I think I think rampage should be able to take this fight. But if it goes the distance, it's going to be it's not going to be good for rampage. He should be good. He should go in there and actually handle this motherfucker. I haven't seen rampage handle somebody in a long time. He's one. He's lost too. But I just,

I haven't seen him fucking really do what he was doing when he first came in the UFC. And even when he was doing in Japan. So I'm hoping that Rampage comes out and knocks Hamel the fuck out. I like Hamel. He's a pretty solid fighter, but I mean, it's really, it's not that exciting. He's not that exciting. He pretty much know what he's gonna do.

He's gonna try to take it down. I really believe that they rampage should fucking handle them. It's weird too. I don't, you know, talking about this in the podcast that you have seen, or MMA actually just got a voted in, I think it's still the beginning stages, but they passed the bill to go to the house or some shit like that to one step closer to get an MMA legalized in New York City, which will be un-fucking believable if we could just walk down the street to the Madison Square Garden and see a fight. That hasn't been a fight in a long time that in New York City, I mean, they have boxing, but one of the last time they even had a fucking boxing fight, a boxing match, a boxing fight, what am I? That's all. In New York City, nothing.

So I'm really excited about that. But this week's fight, you get Frank Meere, fighting Nelson Roy, that fat motherfucker, I think Frank's gonna take him out. Frank hasn't fought in a while, too. But I think Frank's gonna definitely submit that fat fuck. You got, oh shit, oh you got, you also got Taurus, fight Johnson, I love Taurus. I like when he was the champ. It's, it's, it's, that should be a great fight. I hope he wins because I'd love to see him get another shot at the title You get growls fighting to growl has been around for fucking years. I like him He's a big tall lengthy motherfucker Hawaiian motherfucker. I hope he actually

actually takes the fight to but I'm picking I'm taking I'm picking rampage in Mir and I'm also gonna pick Torres. There's a bunch of other fights going on in the Zalvez and there's a straw that big motherfucker fighting Brown, but those are the three fights that I'm picking that I think that are going to be exciting. And it's good to actually have a fight back up on UFC. Another thing, another question that's out there really quick, somebody asked that Joe's CD is impossible to download depression auctioning because it's impossible to find on an EP2P server. I don't know what the

fucking P2P server is. Joe, but people are trying to steal your shit and can't download it. Yeah, what should buy it for $10? Yeah, why don't you go do that, Josh? Stop trying to steal Joe shit. It's not fucking 1999 where we wanted to take our shit for free. Sorry, sorry, that three years of my life is at worth ten fucking dollars to you. Jesus Christ. So that's about it. We talked about a bunch of shit. UFC Joe's favorite haunts, some goddamn UFC Joe's favorite haunts some goddamn Comic inside shit. I have no idea Some of the tech stuff I want to talk about this week one of the things that I've just got for this podcast to make it sound better Is this yeti microphone. It's a USB microphone. You can actually finagulate to have read up to the iPad

USB microphone, you can actually finaglet the right up to the iPad with the USB connector on the iPad and a USB hub. It has omnidirectional, bi-directional, it has a figure 8 setting, the gain, it's portable, it's a fucking pretty amazing microphone for the average asshole who wants to just plug and go, plug and play. You can stick it right in the computer USB. So it's around $149 right now down from 200 bucks. That's by can you not make crackling silence while I'm doing this? Just came over back to saying that thank you for the disdain that you left on the rug. Well you're eating. I left a stain on the rug.

I saw the meat fall out of your mouth, Bob, and I saw you try to pick it up like nobody saw it. Be has a nice barbecue soft stain on the carpet. Can you get it out? I don't know, Bob. Maybe I'd have time to try if we weren't recording a podcast right now. Well, I'm sorry, Joe, I dropped something.

I mean, that happens. You could have tried. You could have said, dude, I got some beer. Rod, do you have some cleaner? But now you did what a dog does. You tried to hide it. Ha, ha, ha.

Yeah. Well, I live with a woman. You know, I realized last week my wife went away for two days. I woke up on Sunday morning. I thought I got the apartment got broken into because every cabinet in the kitchen was open and I realized that I don't close cabinet doors. Yeah, I don't close them. She goes behind me and closes them all the time. That's what a piece of shit I am. So I apologize, Joe. I apologize. Next time I eat here. I know what the fucking MO is you gotta You know, I'm sorry I spilled something on the ground sir. Can I please have something to try to clean it up?

Let's just clean it up Well take care of your guests All right, I bought lunch Fucking tremendous lunch by the way Yeah, it was great. You're earning from every penny out of it. I'm earning it. Why? I've earned it.

Excuse me. I've earned it every penny. Why? Because you're on your knees. Joe's right now on his knees cleaning up a barbecue stain. Oh, this makes me so happy. And Joe just got a new iMac, which is the last tech thing I'm gonna talk about. I guess I've never had one.

It's the one that's just the screen and everything is inside of it, right Joe? Yeah, ports are on the back, power buttons on the back, speed speakers are built in, distrives inside, wireless key, more wireless mouse mouse they get this new called the magic mouse where the mouse could do All kinds of shit depending on your finger movements. How much is this? I mean apple? So many for like 12 yeah, I got it if you live in New York go to be an age. They got it for a thousand thirty $1,000 thirty dollars over at be an age

You got it for $1,030 over at B&H. Here's the catch. Apple will give you a 14 day grace period. If you don't like it, you can bring it back. B&H is like once you open it as yours. You're still covered under the Apple warranty and all that shit. So there's some wrong with it. You can break the Apple to get fixed,

but you can't bring it back and go, I changed my mind. No, no. I mean, but if you're at the point of buying a major desktop computer, you probably passed the point of returning it, I would think. So the iMac, is this a new one or is this an older one? I don't know. It's the newest iMac version of the iMac, but the simplest,

you know, the starter version of it. It's fun. It's more than you need. All right. It's plenty than you need. All right. It's plenty. And you're going to be tempted when you're buying that computer to go PC because you're going to go out of the Dell's or 450.

Oh, God. So plus delivery, it's a, and this thing is the thousand or a letter that are 12 or what? I mean, these fucking things go up to two grand or whatever. You know, three grand. Yeah. So it's like, just do it, dude. Just buy the Mac. It's, you're going to have it forever. It's never going like, just do it, dude, just buy the Mac.

It's, you're gonna have it forever. It's never gonna be problems. My third Mac, every Mac I ever, my first Mac laptop when I upgraded to the Pro because I needed it faster on. Yeah. I wiped the whole computer and set it back to factory settings and gave it to my parents. Still running. Runs perfect. Fucking Mac is the best. If you're with PC... There's five people, it's perfect. If you're doing PC, you're an asshole. Unless you're doing fucking huge, big movie editing and you need a custom PC, power, bullshit, you're an asshole. Mac is the way to go. It's idiot proof. It's fucking flawless.

And if it breaks down, you can make an appointment at the Genius Bar and talk to a fucking genius, an American citizen that fucking knows everything about Apple. You don't have to call up some 1-800 number and talk to an Indian dude that's gonna fucking read from the manual, which you could do anyways. So definitely go with the Mac. I would love to get a power Mac, but I already have fucking two iMacs, whatever the MacBook Pro's, which I love. So those are the two tech things.

Yeti microphone, around 149, plugs right into an iPad or a computer USB and the iMac, Joe seems to like that. And that's about it. This week I'm going to be in Edmonton at the comic strip. Joe, are you going to be anywhere? I'm nowhere this week, but every Tuesday, if you're in New York, every Tuesday, I call this a show called Righteous Kill at the People's Improv Theater,

a 24th Street between Park and Lexington, 9.30 every Tuesday, myself and Jared Logan, who's a great hilarious comedian, Carlos, come down to that, if you're in town, and then the weekend, first week in a June, I'll be at CB's Comedy Club in the West Village, McDougall Street, Right Pass Bleaker. So come check me out there. And as always go to my website, Robert Kelly Live.com to get these podcasts. If you have an Android phone you can stream it right

from your phone. Just go to the website, go to the bottom right corner, hit mobile and hit play and they come right through. Or if you have an iPhone, you can get my app and it has the podcast right on there. I'll just download it for my tunes. If you listen to this, make sure you fucking subscribe on iTunes or write a review on iTunes. And so we can get this thing a little more popular than it already is. Not that fucking, I think there's like 20 people that listen to this, but who gives a fuck? So there you go. There's a podcast number

fucking 7 and that's it. Joe say goodbye. It's in the bathroom right now. Fuck it. Con volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Espectacularismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sincín de aventuras desperan. ¡Y parás! Vuelades de Madrid, Amurcia y a otros destinos que César prenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea Parifa sujetas a disponibilidad. Consulta las condiciones en volotea.com A partir de 19 euros, VOLOTEA Parifa sujetas a disponibilidad Consulta las condiciones en volotea.com

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