Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Ari Shaffir, Colum Tyrrell, Mike Cannon | Almost Sure

Episode Date: June 5, 2022

Patreon.com/Robert Kelly Get started with Chime today. Applying for a free account takes less than 2 minutes. Get started at chime.com/ykwd. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hoy es un día de eso de no saber cómo va a acabar el día. Donde nadie pregunta a dónde viene, sino por qué no te viene. Y una ronda es el tiempo que pasa en preno, conocernos y no creer olvida. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos lia. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos encuentra. Maú, la vida es más vida cuando nos encontramos. Encuentra los bares de Madrid, la Dición Especial de Madrid nos lia. Un lumena que de mao, a Madrid.

¿Sueñas con un futuro más allá de los estudios de grado? Gracias a las becas de post-grato en el extranjero, de la Fundación La Caixa, puedes estudiar en las mejores universidades y centros de investigación del mundo. Tu talento te mueve. Solicitad tu beca en fundación lacaisa.org Buscas contenido gratis. Pluto TV es el servicio de streaming gratuito con series como South Park o sensación de vivir. Descarga ya la aplicación en todos tus dispositivos.

Pluto TV, ven a verlo sin pagar nunca. these back again. Old school back in the day. We're all starting before them all. I'm feeling like I can die you this. Our cast is so fun and crazy. And there's no rules. Shut up! You're ruining this. Break the bar, damn it. I'm sorry. It's not any podcast.

This is an NPR. That's the podcast done. Is there any better show? This is the original. Original. Damn. That intro's way too long. So long. I mean, it's so self-indulgent. It's like every edit possible he took,

and it was like, yeah, we'll run with that. Oh, I like that, too. He made that intro the way he has regular dinner. I'll have one of each. And then, now, let me make sure. Yeah. We're like, no, it's a menu. And he's like, no, yes.

Yes. Yes. That looks good. How do I know I don't want to like it? Once I have it. So that's fair. That's, I went on a cruise with Bob. And in fairness, that's how we all ordered.

On a cruise, yeah. But it was very interesting to see how professional he is at kind of my stroeing that many things and kind of coming up with a grand plate. Damn. Well, what comes, you know what, dude, everybody? Oh, so sad. And with that, with the such, so, yeah.

Such a show, sad. And if one thing I can be gone soon, what? I said he'll be gone soon. He will be gone soon. Maybe even by the time this airs It's possible. We should appreciate him all is here. Yeah, it's Bobby Kelly I'll be dyed in a tragic gondola accident He got stuck like that cargo ship in the canal

All these are mounted a tunnel all these are these couples stuck behind them. Yeah, that's right It's like the levels of water are It's stuck behind them. Yeah, that's right. It's like, all right, the levels of water are unbelievably low, I guess. Italian's dude. How do you rivets dude? That's the fucking shallow dude. He's saying real pizza.

I try to have it kind. It's not the real thing. He's not going to appreciate this. How you will? Yeah, maybe. We really should appreciate it. Guys, if you're listening home, take a moment and just really say, glad that guy's still around.

Yeah. It is something nice. You'll listen to what dude, and you really say, glad that guys still around. Yeah, it is something nice. You'll listen to, you know what, dude? And you know what, you guys? We have two of our favorite co-hosts here. Colin Torell, Mike Cannon. How you doing? Yeah.

You guys are regular in the show now. I, yeah, by force. I've been coming a lot. Yeah. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I don't know if Bobby's too happy about it, but I'm definitely making myself a part of the show.

He has plans and you try to take him off his plan, he gets upset, but he'll eventually laugh and let you do it. Yeah, he's like, that's not the plan, why not? So what's going on? I just figured out. We're gonna talk about that. I just figured I'm sitting in the chair, but I never is able to take a shirt off,

even when swimming. You've really a rubah with Bob? I have not, I just assume. Yeah. He doesn't take his top off. No, but... I got like that, it takes his top off, you got your mind. I, I, I top off, Bob is like the fuck it, you know? I thought he was like that fat like,

he could be that guy, but I don't think he is, no? How'd you do that? Yeah, I've been to a roo-ba with Bobby, and he also, he's like, be rabbit, dude. He is social be rabbit about himself because I'm like I had my shirt off. I'm in the pool. I didn't feel bad about myself. I see Bob. I'm excited to see my friend and he goes, your nipples are too low. Like immediately hits me with something. Before I

can comment on anything and I was just going to give him a hug and say it was good to see him. That's crazy. I didn't know how like take it off yourself to be like, you're gonna make fun of me. Like we can't even see your nipple. How dare you? Yeah. How dare I mean, I could see his nipples through the shirt. Right, right.

I've seen him throw a winter coat. Nice, almond area, Ole's. Yeah, almond shaped. I'm already sure fear you guys, and I'm taking over this podcast. Bobby is in Europe right now with his open, his Greg Hahn and Lewis, and he'll be back at some point soon. So, well, Luke tell me how does this normally go?

We talk. We talk about comedy in the street for a lot. Yeah, well, the first we have to argue about watches for like 48 so it's like, it's like not everyone's in hell. Yeah, and how we're upset. We got a rose water that was well Boss got his I heard he got in trouble in Canada. Did he? Yeah, so the story as as I understand it, not from what it's written, as I understand it, Rich Voss is doing a show in Canada, and Kellen, and 99% of the crowd loved it. That should be the end of the story, but as today's fucking journalism goes, you want to focus on that 1%, and they were not happy because, I mean, have you ever seen Rich Voss in stage? No, you're never going to get everybody happy about that.

That's crazy. You need to walk the line. Yeah, yeah, especially personally, like because he'll go at people and make fun of them as if they also have his thick skin. You made me feel bad, I was like, right, I was trying to. I'm rich boss, I was trying to hurt your feeling. So great, what's his blog about?

Oh, so there's legitimate hub hub? Yeah, Nicole, you bring it up? Sure. Okay, I don't know, I don't know. Holy shit. Yeah, I heard they bring it up? Sure. Okay, I don't know. I don't know. Holy shit. Yeah, I heard they try to cancel some of his shows. I'm gonna say wheelchair.

You made fun of someone. You think wheelchair. I'm thinking of wheelchair. I'm thinking native. Native? Aborigini. Aboriginal. I don't call them that there.

I thought that's the proper word. You think there's a, that's not Australia. We can't say abo. You can't say abo. You got it. You can. North American abo. North American abo, you can't, you can. You can shorten it. North American abo. My nieces are abos.

Well, I think she's not speaking for the whole group. Oh, all right. Abos only, she's abo from where? Australia. Australia, but you can't call the other ones that. And they can call themselves, I can't even say it, you can't show it. You can't call average nieces from everywhere, Abos?

Yeah, exactly. It's like black people. You're going to call them the N word here. I thought you were going to take a big cut there, buddy. I was worried. Are you wide-to-gump? Too early to show. You can call them that anywhere, you just go.

We'll be back at rumors club, General Manager says. I hate when they have to weigh in. I bet in fairness, I bet they're like, hey, Rich, would you mind if we just say you won't be back And we'll still look you again next year when they forget yeah And OG boy woman said she was among at least 30 people who walked out of rumors comedy club in Winnipeg I'm probably do do a number of races I'm a full of comments they heard from on stage I bet she's gay

I bet she's gay if she's bringing up the home with a part Maybe gay native. Yeah, you want to takeobic part. Oh, maybe. Gay, Nadov. Yeah, you want to take over? Me? I can barely read. Kelsey, Kelsey Lennahan says she was almost immediately turned off by comedian Lennan Voss's set, which included what she called targeted harassment toward a table of indigenous women.

Oh my God. It's just, it's just a party because they're coming to a show with just the wrong attitude. Yeah. Dude, him and Bobby, love the movie Apocalypse. I, it's a good room. It's a good room. It's a good room.

I guarantee that was used as a reference. Apocalypse is a good move. Apocalypse was pretty good. Sick. Yeah, and that wasn't that Aboriginal people, Abos fighting other Abos. Yeah. Yeah. Abos on Abos fighting other Abos? Yeah. Yeah, Abo Grime. Abo Grime was spear, spear,

the statistics don't lie. Yeah. One of the things he said was listen, listen lady. I'm not your sponsor. You need to go to your next AA meeting. He was making a joke about a talent show and saying that you know these ladies would likely come up and make dream catchers.

That's just... Ha ha ha ha. That would be their talent. Yeah, I mean... I'm surprised he said they wouldn't make it rain in there with the dance. Oh my God, this is the best one. This, okay, let me tell you the joke he said and then you read what the article said.

I hope you all get home and get fucking drunk driving tickets now you go up now you read it the american comedian also made a joke about hoping the women would get ticketed for driving under the influence on the way home she recalled which perpetuated offensive stereotypes now i have a question okay my question i follow up here there's been multiple remarks about the person being intoxicated,

right? The AA meeting, Rich wouldn't have said that apropos of nothing. As an addict, I'm sure he has some pretty good. He's saying they can't handle their alcohol. He's saying they're drunk. And then again, he's basically wishing that because they're being drunk and disruptive, that they get a DU. U. I. on the way home from the show and the reality is if it is in native territory

they would get a pass because I have been pulled over by indigenous police on the way from Vegas to indigenous police. Yeah, the guy goes, do you want to pay now? What do you want to mail it to you? And I was like, I was with Joe Lists and Vekion and Sarah. And I was like, that's odd. Did a cop. I was definitely speeding. And I was like, I already decided I'm not gonna let it get to me. I'm just gonna take the ticket. We're gonna go. I'm not gonna let it affect. I have the 200, 300 bucks now.

I'm not gonna, it's over. I was speeding. You got it. I'm not gonna let it ruin the fucking vibe. And I'm like, pay later. No, no, no, pay later. What do you mean, pay now? And then I look more at it, it was the fucking, it was like one of those parking places tickets, where you're like, they don't have any

domain jurisdiction. Yeah, they don't be jurisdiction. And I was like, oh, it's a fucking native policeman. Oh, they can kick out of the tribe or some shit. Right. Make you fucking fish with a reel instead of dynamite. Pay tax on your cigarettes and whatever. You have to hand in your aqua jewelry.

There's with these people that understand, all you're doing is making the rest of the comedians just go hard on you. We're like, oh, natives, I didn't even consider them. After Shane's thing, everybody's like, oh, Asians, the last part. Even like Will Smith did not under or think about the 500,000 amateur comedians who are gonna make worse

and more egregious jokes. Faulting jokes. Yeah, about everything. I, okay, I'll one up, yeah. I think he did. I think he hates that bitch. He was like, if I slap one of the most beloved comedians in the world, I think I can make the internet

come out to my dumb cunt of a wife. That is 3D chess too. Did he did that? He's the man. He did that. He is the man. Uh, Lena Han, who's from Panay Mutang, first nation, says, a table of women left in the middle of his tirade, and she left the club to follow them to make sure they were okay. When she reached them, she said they were upset. They, the horses had been clapped.

Why can't we be able, I'm sure they're slurring, but why can't we be able to come out for a fun night out without our indigenous being brought up, without that being the center of his jokes and attacks? Lennahann said, to see my sisters and my relatives to be treated in this way, you get this sense of protection. So Nyresh name, doesn't it, Lennon? It's spelled a little good.

It's spelled silly. It's funny they were doing, they were asked to. Kelsey Loth with a seven. Yeah, they asked Larry Johnson, asked who's the other Kevin Johnson for the sons. Yeah, they asked him about Larry Johnson. I guess they're in the Wilson playoffs together and he goes, oh, I love that guy.

And he's like, oh, really? I thought you guys, like, had their teams were rivals, like, nah, we're in the same plantation. And I was like, what? And he goes, yeah, Johnson Johnson. We definitely come from the same plantation. What always. Yeah, and I was like, oh, wow.

So I think Lenhan was whoever fucking took him to that. Yeah, it's a good old fashioned. Wow, that's wild. Slav name. Although she was outside the auditorium for part of his set so Didn't hear it Lettahead says she could hear Vos continue his comments about the women through muffled concrete I suppose you can't hear him when you're in the room. Yeah, that is that's wild What is the whole thing a circus tent? Oh, it's so funny. It's everybody wanted to sit there way

I hope she dies. Yeah, but not have wanted to shit their way. I hope she dies Yeah, but not have any fucking stereotypical way. I hope she just dies of regular fucking, you know I hope she dies of tax fraud tax fraud That's a native will rarely die of It's going around yeah, here's where I made fun of you lady because it doesn't seem any of you I mean good for my cars out so he's finally seeing his first native. And he's like, oh, I've been waiting for this. Good for rich though, right?

Good for rich. Every time you get one of those, it's awesome. I was actually in Calgary and these dumb fucking cons, not indigenous in any way. I just ran him out of there. And then they were like, get the fuck out. And then I didn't realize there was a table of 30. It was just a two.

Oh wow. Oh, and her sky was like, come on, man. I'm like, oh, sorry, didn't realize there's a table of 30 It was just a two oh Our sky was like come on man. I'm like, I'm sorry to but there's no way I'm gonna let him stay Yeah, 30 though. What would a he goes just white dumb white and he was like let me get my money back I'm like that's where I would have said no that's why I would have said get out. Oh you know money back Yeah, yeah, if you're asked if you're told to leave. Yeah, it wasn't being a little long How deep was it into your set? It was still the whole time and when she it was like annoying annoying annoying and then I think she said like next joke something like that Well, you're done. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. You're out. Youed up. You look at the boss me around. Well, not at that point. I hit that level.

I don't have a boss. I'm capable of being funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just, I want to fight. How dare you? I was actually, I would need a glass of water to throw in a face. I'm like, what's the best way to get revenge? You know, have you done that?

What? Have you thrown water in somebody's head from the stage? No, not from on stage. Not from on stage. Ex-girlfriend wants. Special water? That's not. No, no, not special water. Oh, from on stage. X girlfriend once. Special water. That's no, no, no, no, no, special water. Oh, I did throw a couple of pisses on buddy.

Yeah, that was a famous example of you doing that. Yeah. I hate it. From on stage, no, Zach and Nico got him right in the fucking leading face. That's a good right in his blood. That could be a good move. You bring out like a cup of piss and you go, heckless. Heckless, beware.

Everybody's drunk, fuck, god, you're gonna get off. You're gonna get a mouth full of piss. I'm pissing you, dude. Yeah, I am wildly dehydrated. It's tough as you're like, and then you go, you, Abbo, fucking people. I'm out shot. I can't.

Abbo's the only option. It's almost positive. No, yeah, that's the only option. Australia, yeah. Well, Rich, I just like to say, kudos to you. Good job for getting people up. Every time you get somebody upset in the audience,

I say, great job. It should not be up to us to be prepared to toughen up our hearts and be equipped to laugh at the traumatic. Oh fuck off. Go to Semyawaska. Rumors nightclub has an ethical response. All people are safe from insensitive racial ambushes. safe from insensitive racial ambushes. That bridge is fucking face in a pitour. I mean, he could look more like a racist. He really, really, really, really, really, he looks like he hates anyone with a tan or tan than him. So mad at you.

Yeah. They speaking of piss, like a week before I did my first ever like college open mic before I ever tried comedy for the first time. They told me that Bobby Slayton at comics cafe and Rochester pulled his dick out and pissed on somebody. No. Do you know?

He pissed on somebody just pissed on somebody. How? How? Even if I had to pee, pulling my dick out and then getting ready. Yeah. How would you even let it out physically? I mean, that's like a monk's ability to meditate and loosen your muscles.

Go, yeah. Yeah. You gotta be tense. Let me ask. I even wanna get to the bathroom of the plane, I'm ready to, I gotta pee, I gotta be. And then when I get there, it's like, it takes a second.

Somebody walks into the year on the X-Tune, like, yeah, it takes over. Yeah, I'd be a little bit pee in my pants. I'd have to pee a little bit in my pants and then pull it out. That's how I do it. Hey, you guys want a tip for the sum? Hold on, hold on.

The one that he said that caused our table to go, Rich said, right, that's it, or that they said, right, that's it, we've had enough. They walked out in unison. Rich said, that's right, they should all go back to their fucking wigwom. That's quite... I was surprised.

It didn't throw a blanket out of them and you know, threaten... I'm not gonna change the film. I just always try with these to imagine what do they say to them about Jews. And if he was like, go back to your synagogue and light your menorah. Like, what? It's so fucking retarded. Yeah, that is kind of the... How come you'll notice?

I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, you sound like a fucking door. That's a Jew. Ha, ha, ha. How come Jews don't get stereotype enough for how bad drivers you are? Oh, it's not the bad drivers. But they don't follow the rules. Yeah, they don't follow the rules.

Yeah, yeah. They just fucking parallel park a school bus in the middle of a fucking hospital. They're but they don't follow the rules. Yeah, they don't follow the rules. Yeah, it's here. They just fucking parallel park a school bus in the middle of a fucking settlement to the road. They'll just leave the truck there and go, I see it tomorrow. They think they're better than you. And so they rarely, especially in Brooklyn, will stop at a red light.

They'll go through it here. It's like, you've driven New York. It's frightening all the time. So it's about to cross on a yellow. Yeah. You got to keep your eyes open. Texting here is moronic. Dude, yeah.

The Orthodox Jews like, let's just go. I lived in Crown Heights for like eight to 10 years, the driving in that area, random K turns, when you're going full speed. All the time. Dude, it's so bad. It's like right now, I have a piece, I have a secondary piece of shit car

that is like a borderline death trap, but the great thing about it is that I don't care if I get hit or hit somebody like at least lightly in retaliatory. So I've genuinely been like waiting for the moment when somebody does something dumb and I just, oh my breaks. Oh yeah. Oh man. How much do you want to spite hit somebody? So bad. Oh yeah. Smash under their back. You know, or like if somebody's tailgating, you just slam on your brakes and I'm like, oh, if you got nowhere to be, sorry, you're clearly a fault, you hit me from behind. Shit man, no, I thought I saw something in the road. Let's exchange insurance information.

Yeah, that's why New York is great. You could never do that in Florida because then you're just getting pissed all whipped and left on the hoodie your own car. Yeah, or some old person will just keep driving. It's one of the other. God damn it. It's like, it's just one who's so bad or take murder on yourself. Yeah. Like all cross. I'll let them hit me and break my leg in half.

Just so they can be like, I shouldn't have done that. Oh, that's seen in in a dark night when Aaron Eckert does the thing where he like flips the coin for the gangster. He passes and then he does it again. He's like, who's that for? And he's like your driver. Then he buckles in and shoots the guy in the back of the head. Wow. I've had so many fantasies I'm doing that of that exact thing of just being like let's fucking roll the guy's It's over it was possible. I'd say yeah, why isn't it in a card on once you're in a card You suddenly become this fucking juice. I'm not a kill anyone. Hmm. It's not the juice. Oh, no the juice Oh, why in the car like that all the time right? Yeah, yeah, I. Hmm, it's not the juice. Oh, no, the juice.

Oh, why in the car? But you guys are like that all the time, right? I mean, turbo juice, not regular juice. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. The ones with the flip phones, the espresso, they look flip phones. They look like they're being on them nonstop.

What's with the flip phones? And they're always scurrying. They're always sketchy as fuck. They've always got someone to be that busy. They're tracked, they're calling their mistresses, and door whores that they have herpes. Absolutely. Get herpes from, and they look pretty. They look pretty want to attract. They're calling their mistresses and or whores. They have herpes, absolutely. Get herpes from and they'll see. They look spread in the STDs.

What you're saying is clearly racist. No. Nobody's laughing. It just feels like a full racial attack, especially against in June in this community. But what's with the flip phones also? That's a good question. It's like they got to talk, they're not online much,

because it's like what are they going to look for? The fuck, recipes, Jewish recipes, or when Shab is starts? Yeah. There's just not that much. So it's like go for the cheaper plans. There's nothing out there for the Jews, that they don't already know.

I mean, almost nothing. Almost nothing, especially those guys, they're going to services, they're going to sermons, so it's like they'll open up a Gamara and learn it. They don't need it. That's the only thing to be on there. They have a flip phone, So it's like, they'll open up a Gamara and learn it. They don't need it. That's the only thing to be on there. They have a flip phone, but they don't have new phones. Flip on the talk and make deals.

You're allowed. God says. I don't know to talk and make deals. Any day of the week. Deals is collecting. No, not Friday night, this Saturday night. Even if it's a flip phone, that still counts as electricity. I saw her.

I turned off some Jews fucking gas one time. Really? It's a retaliatory ass. Sounds like that. I thought you guys hated gas. I was doing your favor. No, he asked me to come into the house. I got a Friday afternoon, so I went in.

What did he say? How did he say it? You know, I phrased it. He's like, hey, Jews friend. No, he didn't. He said, hey, are you not Jewish or something? Something about me not being Jewish. Yeah.

Can I make sure? Yeah. And then he said, will you come into my house? And I said, get the fuck away from me. And then I talked to a regular Jew. And he explained that what they do, what that's going to say. Then we went back in to help him out, turn off the lights, talk to the kids. He gave me some fucking chew bread. Oh, it's good. Fresh fresh. It's good. It's good fresh. It's good. It got that Shabbos spice in it. Oh, it was good. Yeah. How did they get it? Isn't that counter paying me

though, technically? It's a gift. It's a gift. It's an unrelated gift. Yeah, how do they get it? Isn't that count as paying me though technically? No, it's just gift. It's a gift. An unrelated gift. Yeah, it's almost from Abraham. It's like giving a donation to the weed trucks instead of paying them outright. No, but he wasn't saying, I'll give you bread if you do this. No, we got in there and my two friends started going, you know, and he kind of saw that bread.

So they never, they never fucking. Wow, and they'd be like, you can't be. I was going to get this for free. Yeah. All right, you got me. They had a fight. Him and the wife this for free. Yeah. All right. You got me. They had a fight him The wife had a fight and whatever gibberish. I will talk about this in my special Irish for your Jews taping this this

Sounded in Sunday you guys June 11th and 12th. It's very good tickets at Irish superior.com. I saw four years ago Four years ago to Edinburgh. I just thought at the fat black. Oh, yeah. Just now. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that was a rough one They were drunk, huh? They were drunk and not into it at all. No, but you had a big moment, like huge moments when you should have, but the tough part was keeping them engaged when you were switching topics because they had no, no ability to hang on. It's also like none of them knew me.

I wasn't on the line. It was just me. I didn't get an opener because last time I went on, Will did like 25 and that Liz was like, is he still on? Like, yeah, he said 10. He just keeps going. I'm running out of time. So I was like, I'll just open for myself. Which, and you can tell they don't know anything about the show is going to be. So then it's like, why is he on? Like, this has been a long time on one subject. You didn't set it up. You just started licked away your starting to start with some other jokes. And then like, let's talk about about the Bible and then just start and then like yeah that's a great way to make sure it works though. Yeah exactly that is exactly. Yeah awesome.

Actually, you know, they say do these indoshow plugs fuck Bobby in this format. Nicole, you could tell my said that. Let's do your plugs right now. Why wait till the end when no one's the fucking listening. They've already gone by now. By now that gone. 20. 20 minutes in. Yeah, that's a 70 70 percent already gone 20 minutes in. They're like, I thought there's just Pete Holmes. You made it, dude. Yeah. I just saw the wide. I was like, man, the YW way, what do you guys got? What do you get? What do you got coming up? What shows? This is coming out. I'll be at Tampa side splitters, actually. I know most of the large audience in Tampa. So I'll be there June 9 through the 12th.

Come out to that and my special. That's a sweet idea, guys. Yeah, it is. My special is up on YouTube. My Canon comedy dot my Canon comedy on YouTube. It's called White privilege homeless. Check that out. Thank you, everybody, for the nice messages and all that shit.

Share comment because it got unfortunately labeled as in decent content for the nice messages and all that shit share comment because it got Unfortunately labeled as in decent content for like a day and a half. What's that mean? Everything. What does that mean? I don't know it meant that like no one was labeled as like yeah Just well people could see it, but it like Tharotled and it takes out of the early push to the algorithm Yeah, I think early catch fire. It's way better than later catching fire Yeah, I mean I wasn't about to hit a million anyway, but it was on a good trajectory and then kind of like you'd say no, whatever. I was about to hit six million.

Yeah, they took it down. But yeah, do that. YouTube, Mike Cannon Company, it's just like, it's just like, it's like, it's like Kaisa Sose. I choose that number. Six to eight million. I choose that number, all the number. I mean, it's an inflated number, but for sure.

How dare you? My dad survived. I can, it's an inflated number, but for sure. How dare you. My dad survived. I can't really talk about how bad it was. He was fine. What do you got, Colin? Still not going to the road ever? I got on the road. I got dates coming up in.

In the enabulous, I'm also going to be inside splitters in Tampa. Where? July 17, I think. Hell yeah, Tampa. You guys are getting some fun. Size of it. Great spot. Dig it.

Club is it. They give a lot of bad comics to the first time on stage. So thank you. So please come out to that. So that I don't virus myself. And all those tickets are available linked on my social media, at column tier, and check out my podcast, the column tier podcast.

Turrell's spent with two ours and two L's. Yes, sir. Everybody, so here's the COLUM2IRRELL. Yeah. Yeah. I know. Appreciate it. Hey, everybody, go on Mike Kennin's YouTube special.

White privilege homus. Yes. And leave a comment about how much thinner I am than Bobby Kelly. I think that would go a long way to fucking getting an angry and really help Mike and help Bobby's in level right now. Do you know what you look exactly like? You look like when it says four years later in castaway and Tom Hanks spears the fish from like 40 yards away.

Yeah, I've got a little whatever Bob you would have growing on his top. It's now is like a little bit of hair coming in. It's like I actually have a kind of a gross jiggly body. Why are you so? It's a little looser than I was anticipated. Yeah, it's not great. No, I'm just going to sell it. You used to be really fat?

I used to be 225, not really. 225, what are you like, 640? 630, I'm like 185 now. So I'm sure we won 75. I've got to lose eight more pounds for my next weekend. Fuck. Put on a son of suit. Put on a son of suit.

Yeah, wow, look at that. Wow, how the turntables have turned. for my next weekend. Fuck. Put on a sauna suit. Put on a sauna suit. Yeah. Wow, look at that. Wow, how the turn tables have turned. You had a Sackleau lose eight pounds to get into the seller, and now you got to lose eight pounds in a week too. You sack a shit. Oh, damn it.

You're out of the salad. Damn it. Not so easy. I didn't even ever call them a sack of shit. Damn it. I'm going to bring that to our show. Yeah, for sure. Saddle-o.

Oh, that's been, yeah, he is a sad Saddle-o. Okay, guys, we have some wacky news. I said we should get some wacky news of the world and talk about it. That's always fun, right? Yeah, okay. An Arby's manager in Washington state, Pete and milkshake mix said police.

Ooh, breaking any time you want. I'm a dammit. That sucks. Have you worked in food? I've never done that. I never even thought to. Never spit, never. No, actually, I never really worked in food food.

I worked at the conference where we could have spit in a drink. I guess I wasn't carried him out. Who would you hate enough to do that? There are people. There are people that deserve it. There are. In fact, when I was all-

Maybe you can have'm looking at them. Yeah, but because I went on in the employee's version, and if a customer's annoying and heckling me and just being a shitty artist member, I could have easily, in fact, I regret not doing it, gone to the way she's like, hey, that guy in table 17, do something to his shit. Yeah, I could have.

Like what, spit and something. Spit, shirt, piss, type, touch, rim, like a, like a mitchellata, but with my cock-a, piss. Type, touch, rimmed it like a like a michelada, but with my cock-a-bots. Yeah, but it's stir-up. The problem is is truly it's not a good punishment unless they know. The unless they know.

That's the problem. You can spitting my drinks for rest of my life if I never find out, I don't go fuck. Yeah, you're right. How could we do it so they find out on the way out? But they have to find out way later like after on your debt bet, you gotta. You gotta take a video of you doing it

Yeah, find out their social media and then once you are gone from that job and whatever Law space of time you need you release the video of you coming on a burger for All to see yeah, yeah, what now that burger King won't hire me anymore. Yeah, exactly. I'm out of this fucking industry I'm in chicken now. I'm't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know, all of my memories at this point feels subjective. Yeah, you're like, I might have made it up.

Yeah, I have no idea. But I'm 90% sure that I did, because I definitely handled shit in dirty ways when people were like super fucking aggressive assholes. And I remember specifically, there was a table of bikers. Like, I used to wait tables at this place in Piermont, so it was right on the Hudson River.

Right now, there's like a perma structure, it's beautiful, but back then it was just like a shit backyard sweet 16 tent. And I was the head waiter and there would be just Hudson River pirates coming in from you know, whatever shit kicktown in Jersey, Long Island, whatever, they'd have, you know, the same fucking neon but faded pink, you know, the, yeah, tank mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, best kind of the best kind of tippers because they're so shit faced, but they can also be ornry and start some shit. And this one group came in with also like there were some motorcycle people mixed in and they were like screaming at me and my buddy about their well done burgers and how quick they weren't being made quick enough. And we I'm pretty sure that's when I lugied in like yeah at least a handful also they'll never taste it well done burger is a real

Trash fucking yeah, yeah, so you can you can get away with that. You're not gonna get away with that with a fucking rare Medium rare can't like it's spit on salmon. Do you ever? Right, but it's like you'll pry it out spread the glaze. No, no, I did it after yeah That's what I lifted the bun and like, they'll never know who I would also lift the bun. Even if you lift the bun, like before I would think of that, if I lifted the bun, I saw what looked like,

but I'm like, oh, weird. I guess the cheese bubble didn't work. I got one even considered. That's weird, the burger spit. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Guys, this story gets so much worse. What was the story again?

The guy peeing in milkshake mix. Like peeding so so so for everyone, it's not just one person. Milkshake mix. So it's for the whole. Yeah, it's that's the first opening. Wait, how do you even pee in the milkshake mix? Because it's like, it's like a machine. You got I think I got a ladder.

Okay. He must have come in early. So part of him is a repaint. Is something and then poured in it's a a machine. I think I got a ladder. Okay. Of course, it's coming early. So part of him is a real bomb. He into something and then pour it in. It's a milkshake mix bag. Yeah, mix then goes in. So it's still in the bag. You can't piss in the bag.

Why? Because it's a bag of liquid. It's not, there's no way to do it. It's full to the rim. It's not powder. So you had to stand up. You had to go on a ladder and piss. He had to get up and piss in.

How do you know this? Because I worked in McDonald's. Okay. I thought McDonald's used the, it's the powder. It was never re-enbranted. In Europe, we use a mix. You use better food in Europe. Maybe that.

You have your own cows at a McDonald's. Just that. Better food in Europe. Yeah. You're from the UK, is that right? No, that's not. So, so, okay. Indirectly.

He gets better. That's the best thing you do next thing if you play Ireland. Just go, it's so good okay. Indirectly. He gets better. That's the best thing you do next time you play Ireland. Just go, it's so good to be in the UK. Oh, yeah, go fuck there. Hate it. So, say it on purpose. Yeah. By the way, can I just say this about the fucking club owner rumors?

Can one of you motherfucker club orders? Have as your press conference, hey, that person had no sense of humor. We don't want anyone with no sense of humor in our club. We say dark stuff here, so that person is no longer allowed. They were not racist, they're being sensitive. Or at the very least, be like, yeah, they were drunk and being destroyed. They were drunk, exactly. There was no first thing.

There were two sides of this rich amplified things because they made me racist. They were claiming racism when he was doing it. Yeah. Or how about just make something up to defend them? They called them a kike. What are you doing, aren't they? So he reacted. Just make up, ruin their lives.

They called them a kike. He's like, what? And they're up ruined their lives Call them a hike. He's like what and they're like I'm a good but they didn't know native like Oh, I'm not good. All right. That was bad. That wasn't a remix little Please make your right just just across the Columbia of Portland, Oregon So they uncovered footage of the 29 year old man Ping into a bag of milkshake mix as they were executing a search warrant on his phone as part of a child pornographer. Wow.

Wow. Upening. Wow. Wow. He had a history of abuse. Also, isn't aware that this is a story. Man fucks children is not the story. Yeah, right.

But that must be like them not finding it. Like didn't somebody, oh, fuck it. That's like John Grootin getting fired because they were going through the emails of the executive. Oh, when he was in ESPN and I was being like, wait, what did he say? That's one that I thought he really got a bad rap on. Cause you're like, well, he's suing.

I think he's gonna win. You should. Why he's like, that's a private email. What the, John Grootin was. He made it the cheerleader, doesn't he? No, no, no. He was, he was a head coach for a while, then he worked at ESPN, and then he was a head coach again.

While he was working for ESPN, he was talking to the Washington, the Redskins owner, and it was back then, and it's a beacon of, yeah, the righteousness and morality. And we went, yeah. And he called the commissioner, he was like, he's been a total fucking faggot. And he's not gay and he wasn't saying it to him. He's just shitting on his old boss to his friend. But he has bangs. Did nobody think, like that's coming out of his mouth. Yes, he has that old like 70s kid haircut

where it just kind of flows all the way down. Who burdened? Yeah, he does. He's like a monkey. You know? Like a the way down. Yeah, he does. He's like a monkey. You know? Like a red face monkey. Yeah. No, I mean like, hey, hey, you're the monkeys.

We're not monkey in a row. No, not like an actual monkey. I think it works. I think a blonde monkey. Yeah, it's the work, the way. I thought he was the one, they made videos of the cheerleaders and then sent them to each other.

Was that all the way? Oh, did he also do that? That's what we're like. Oh, what are the cheerleaders doing? Not objectifying themselves. Fucking, being sluts to rhythm. They're really trying to get the cheers going. They do an important sluts to rip though.

That's what they are. They ever see the guy jerking off, the security guy jerking off. Yeah, the kid. Yeah, he's like 18, 19. Yeah, and he's jerking off in his pants, watching the cheerleaders. He's guarding to make sure no one leaps over the, and he's looking the cheerleaders and he's just fucking rubbing it nice. They're cool. Pull it up. Pull it up Google child jerks off child jerks off cheerleaders. I believe

Child jerks off the children Look it up put that as number one on Bobby's search history. Yeah, I'm home scream Whenever you open Google to just that's the first thing the pops up Here's a fun thing to do on podcasts where everyone might have their phone on. Hey Siri, how do you build a bomb? Hey Siri, over to the government. I don't know, does it work? I don't know, it might just be linked to your poll.

It might just vibrate it. Oh really? Does it? Can you just turn that off? Yeah, you can, but I'm not that. Hey Siri, turn yourself off. He says like, syrup. I'm not sure. Hey, sorry. Hey, sorry. Turn yourself off. He says like, syrup. Yeah, sorry.

What the fuck you're saying, dude? Say it's sexy. Whatever, sexy. Brog. The manager made one quarter-parent class with his own child porn allegations. And another on Friday for a new allegation of second-degree assault with sexual motivation.

After police said they found the 16-second urination video. Is the urination sexual though? Okay. Glad you asked that. If you piss on a school, it counts as... Yeah, chop. It's like a... Really? Yeah. It's like, what does it call?

What's that thing you do? Not you do that. Puch kids. No, like public indecency. Yeah, but around school, it's something called something else. Just trial and danger, man. A fun Saturday? Yeah. Yeah, even if it's happening. Even if it's not fucking your girlfriend in a school parking lot, like at night, with something called something else. Not childhood daigmen. A fun Saturday. Yeah. Yeah.

Even if it's even if you got caught fucking your girlfriend in a school parking lot, like at night, though, crazy. You piss on a school, you know, even though it's a school, you're just fucking, you're just pissing because there's a lot of kids. Oh, man. Yeah, a lot of chances as a college youth.

Yeah, I mean, that's how they fucking got Arkelia bad charges. That's the whole case. That's the whole thing. I'll tell you, he just loves fucking parking lots. Yeah, pissing outside. got archaic on bad charges that's that's the whole case that's the hotel is he just loves fucking and parking lots like he did a pissing outside I thought it was a church it turns out it was a school uh...

uh... the manager acknowledged to investigators that he urinated in the milkshake bag at least twice but he said he was almost sure he threw the bag out. I quote, almost sure, like, I, you want to be 100%. He said he was working alone in the restaurant that night and he did it for sexual gratification. No, you never did that.

Fucked himself crazy. He's obviously nuts though. You'd say he's a crazy. Yeah, sexual, you don't even say that. You said you locked yourself out of the bathroom and there was no other place to go And you wanted to keep it concealed instead of pissing on the floor. I never was tired of wasting time going to the back I love this corporation so much. So I figured away Sometimes I shit on the burgers just like face time is money

Money you could get away with a lot of magic just lied just shows them the bucket. It's like that's where I shit. Sexual what sexual gratification is from being in food. No, it's people consuming your pee. You get an offer. You're getting inside of people. I will say this. Do you ever I mean, yes, the answer is yes, but like when you have the piss really bad, like you feel like almost a poke is gonna burst your stomach. When you piss, it feels a little more. It does, it looks rather good. I get tears coming out of my eyes. Yeah, piss or a shit. Get rid of whatever it is. Yeah. Yeah, great.

Here's another part of it. There's manager 29 years old. It's pretty fast truck. Yeah, I mean mean he's been working there since he was 15 But only twice is such a weird number because he could have been 20 and he didn't know what they had on so he goes maybe twice I made you see Once at least I mean it doesn't sound like they had any rock hard evidence about the kids though. Nah, yeah. Well, he did go to court for it. Sure.

He told Texan if he didn't throw the bag away, it would have been added to the mix by the next shift and served a cup. It would have been added to the next and served a customer. And that's when he got the word comes. So he didn't serve a customer, so he did. He said he was almost sure through the bag out, but he told him if he didn't throw the bag away, it would have been added to other mix by the next. But listen, the ratio there, it's practically no piss.

It's practically no piss. As an expert, it works in McDonald's. I would say if 5% of this piss, you wouldn't even notice. Would you not say, though? What? Crossed. Crossed. What would you not then say it perhaps almost no piss is still too much piss to be drinking.

Nah, come on. A customer's point of view. I open your ivory. Don't you always account for some piss? That's it's like the yeah, it's like the sea or whatever is like a percentage of that issue. Every time I'm in a pool, I drink it. So you see a manager piss into the milkshake.

You're like, I'll wear a milkshake and then see that. You're going, yeah, still bring it. I know. Or are you going, actually, maybe I'll just have a Coca-Cola. I don't want to know. I don't want to know. I don't want to see you happening. I don't want to see you cook.

Sir, is it not true that you would then change your order to a Coca-Cola or perhaps a bottle of sealed Desson? I'll get a McFlurry and let it melt, please. I got a peanut collada flavored nothing. Damn, Arby's bringing it. Wait, do you ever play E off of customers? No, stop. Oh, I was just almost all of this.

Oh, you'd off of other people's plates, fucking. So here's the story. Right, here's the story. I worked with a girl and she told me the story. She was working at a place and she serves a family. There's a big family there. She serves them all the food. And then she comes back to the end to get the plates.

There's like an old lady there and she ordered steak and mashed potatoes. And she don't eat the mashed potatoes. And she hadn't touched her steak at all. And she was like, why didn't you touch the steak? And she goes, oh, well, I don't have any tea. So what I do is I just, I'll eat the mashed potatoes and I'll take my dentures out

and I just suck on the steak just to get all the juices and the taste of the taste Good so then she's like all right cool gross and then when she went into the kitchen There was a different waitress and one of the other quarters sitting there eating the steak not knowing not knowing that it was just So like it like a catfish like an old woman just sucking on that steak worst case scenario like an old woman just sucking on that steak worst case scenario yeah man untouched steak sweet yeah sweet I would spit bland though right I like you see it all generally sure yeah she didn't even touch this it's so fucking I would feel I'd I'd hope that I would think that was fishy if I saw

like a full I wouldn't you know I've had an uneaten curly fries off of fucking I definitely wouldn't. What's the breakfast all day place that's like pretty shitty, not waffle house? Denys? Denys, I've seen people, but I've seen them leave. I'm like, they look like normal people.

Yeah. I'm gonna wait for my order for forever. When was this? This one. Early comedy. Good, that's a big part, yeah. But I was about to order at Denys. Like, it wasn't like I was

I was gonna get my own some some cold for some cold breakfast please. I was a big popcorn shrimp. Like if they if they didn't eat the popcorn or pineapple shrimp, then I'd like have that off to the side with fries. I would I'd burgers were too sketchy for me because like that's already that's Burgers were too sketchy for me because like that's already that's weird I at the stand at the tree Steve before the food. Yeah His ass fins are in You don't go to stand much cannon no, not you do a lot. Yeah, yeah, you see sometimes in that waitress bin half a pizza Yeah, oh, I would eat. Oh, yeah would take that. No, I do. I never touch anything that's been sent back because I just so many people just they'll eat their troll back in.

But it's on. Let's say let's say it's the re slices. You see the middle slice. Okay, let's go back to the ratio. What ratio of the food is potentially like contaminated touch spat back out. You know, you know what I'm willing to see her on that It's out of club. It's a six chicken wings one of them has like fucking min half eat and I don't right right right You don't want it's chicken. He's been that's in and touched your untouched wing But also people with chicken wings are like moving wing moving it to the moon. Yeah, I wouldn't touch away Listen to ease and on it and share I Get it listen if you don't know you don't know, you don't know.

If you, why ask? I'm happy to. Yeah. Will fill ignorance. Yeah. I guess it's a, it's a youthful thing, right? You know, I've done it. I've done it all recently.

I've done it at the stand. I moved here already successful. I've done it at the new stand too, so it's like. Oh, so it's, yeah, super easy. How do convenience? I used to do post-pandex. I did when I was younger, used to do with too, so it's like. So it's, yeah, super easy. Out of convenience. I used to do post-pandid. I did when I was younger, used to do with drinks at bars and night clubs.

I just have no money. I'd just be waiting, see you two talking. And then the second you look over there, I was a fucking viper. That makes sense. That makes sense on a level of, I want to get drunk. I don't have the money right now. Yeah, all the time I'd wait or a friend of mine

to brush into someone's shoulders, it looks like this, and by the time it's... You just take it. And they're like, I'm gonna leave with a drink. They of mine to like brush into someone's shoulders, and it looks like this, and by the time it's... You just take it, and they're like, I'm gonna leave with the drink. They turn around to grab that drink, they'll be gone. Or a lot of dance floors wouldn't let you have the drinks on the dance floor.

So you're just standing there waiting, but so they can't put it down. Put one of those to cover on it, and you're like, sweet, I'm not gonna root for it. I'm gonna drink it all. He comes back, he wears, it's just so funny to consider that no drug, nobody that wants to rape you is gonna lift that off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that was a thing. Is that what that, I think? Yeah, it's what nobody touched my drink. I also like the bartender doesn't take it off. I guess that's mostly the general thing, but it's also what goes with the- I always start as roofy. I will say also, I'm more likely to notice someone roofy

in a drink by picking up a lid and putting it in, rather than just doing the magic man, you know? So a normal way would be just like, you're just like, you just like, cup it like this, you watch video right now, I don't know, you know what that is. Are you showing how to dose? Yeah, so you have the one finger and you just take and move it, drop it in.

Oh, better with a cup, but then you drop it and you drop it in the pool. Better in a man cave. Yeah, you gotta have one Yeah, that's the move. Yeah, or in the folds right here So you just like kind of kind of get it's a magician move. It's a magician move. Yeah, well, I do I chose I chose some of distraction far. Yeah, oh, I love it in yeah, Lebron. That's pretty good Pretty good. That's not bad. Yeah, that's the trick. I just show it good. That's pretty good. That's not bad. That's the trick. I just show it. I just just shut up. Open up. I see. I don't care what you see. Take a scrub and brush. I used to my buddies and I especially this only works at like you know like

turtle Bay that big big ass bar and there's tons of it's like four floors that's always packed. It only works in like big young people bars like this but my buddies and I used to go to this place, Liberty's, which was wide open, but could fit like 200 people. And the bartenders would be running all over the place. We'd grab a pitcher, put it under the tap, push the tap, and then stand there and wait for it as they were serving drinks. And then they'd turn back around, we'd finish it, bring the whole pitcher back. Yeah, classic. Yeah, we had busy nightclubs where you could go order, get your drinks and go fuck you and then run off like

and be so many people that they couldn't. They just like saw you disappear into the night. Whoa. Great to see you. Yeah. That's the best. We had once at a dorm room party, they'd eat all the freshmen like they're 18,

they're poor and can't drink. And so they just, they're saying, warm beer doesn't matter, taking it, you know? And then somebody, one of the freshmen, grabbed a beer and drank it, and then he was like, hmm, and somebody's like, oh no, and it was just pissing about. Oh, just pissing about.

The second worst case scenario is just getting cigarette butts. The cigarette butts happens a lot. I think that's happening to me. That happens to me. That happens to me when I was, everyone's drunk the ash can. I drank my dad's coke and he had asked, like, 14-marb reds in it.

No, it's just, blah, blah, blah. It's like chalk. It's like all trust for my father. He's like, why'd you drink that? Not worse if you do it twice, because I'm like, ugh, god. Let me wash that down with some coke. Cool.

That's like, I mean, I used to be big on this, but I would break up roaches and make a roach blunt, like a Frankenstein, where you just crack open like 25 ends of a blunt and then put it together. But it's, yeah, it tastes like you're smoking pure fire. It's disgusting. Cause it's like singed. Yeah, singed, but also super potent. This is like, this is that college weed math that who knows if it's true

Mm-hmm, but everybody would be like it's the end of the blood as you get all of it in all the resin was at the end So it's packed and more condensed with THC. What are the what are the what are the what are the what are the Myths from college and high school that now you're like, I don't know about that From we I mean that's, that's a major one. Coffee will get you higher. That's a, yeah, that's that one. If I'm caught, no. I still go like, let me cough to,

I don't have much weed, let me smoke it out like that. So it opens up the capillaries or some shit. Sometimes when I smoke out of coffins, someone's like, oh, you're gonna get really high. Is that like, I wonder if that's because you're coffee, or the coffee is a sign, and I'm gonna get really high. I don't think so much in.

It's like cutting off the off. If I'm caught, naturally, it's a good sign. Then'm going to get really hot. I don't think so myself. It's like cutting off the oxygen. If I'm coughing naturally, it's a good sign. It's a sign that I'm not going to get fucked up. But it doesn't cause you to get hot. Why not? I think it does though, because doesn't it expel all the oxygen from your body so it makes you momentarily light-headed? I've had it open up your throat so it gets into the actual skin

faster. We're so dumb. Would you still do that? Here's another one. Don't breathe out of your nose. It'll burn your nose. If you breathe it, weed out of your nose. That kind of does.

That happens sometimes though. You can pour one out and it's real spicy. Yeah. I don't remember. I don't remember. I don't remember. I don't remember. I don't remember.

I don't remember. I don't remember. I don't remember. The roaches are the further you get the more. We smoked gravity, but I had like a personal gravity bong set where it was like a bigger mug and then in aquafina with the bottom cut off and the top. What? I I drilled a hole in the no gravity bongs. No, aquafina. I thought that was that Asian chick, the actress. She's also is she's named after water from a bong. Bong water. She's named after the

I thought it was just a fucking Chinese name. She's named after the I thought it was just a fucking Chinese name She's named after the place her parents try to enter She was the second one She was a I'm sure it was some black rappers name first and she just took it She I I had an aquafina bottle and on top, I burned a hole in the cap. And then used, at first it was like a lug nut or like a little nut that you sprinkled the weed in and you like kind of put, took that the blue tack that you put on the back of posters.

So you could take it off, off the wall easy. You'd put that right around it and it would be airtight and you'd screw it with the whole thing. It worked awesome. And then I did the full, I just broke a bong and all I had was the stem. So I just popped the entire stem into the top and it was a giant actual bong load of weed. And I would like milk the entire aquafina bottle,

which was small and very manageable to hit. But with a bungload worth of smoke and it would like take people out. Wow. Some girl who smoked for the first time in my room looked at me and my friend who was like, is it supposed to feel like I'm dying? Wow. Those are initial risks.

Yeah. Those gravity bongs are terrified. That's the original fucking shithluas does. Yeah. I spoke to one in Central Washington. There was this club, bowling alley slash club, and they took a two-liter bottle. Like imagine a big phanta thing.

And it wasn't even like a name brand soda. It was a fucking central Washington soda. And they cut the bottom off, then they put double-sided, or they put duct tape this way and inside all the way around. So this is out, and then it's long. So they get it like this down and then it's all enclosed and they shove it inside. So it's enough to fit inside the bottle.

And then as you hit it, they slowly pull this thing out. So it's a waterless gravity ball. You pull this thing out and then you unscrew the cap and you're breathing in and it's like, I'm kind of a rookie then. I'm like, I can't take it. I'm trying to breathe in a little bit. I'm like, okay, give me a second. And it's like, I'm kind of a rookie then. I'm like, I can't take them, I'm gonna try to breathe them a little bit. I'm like, okay, give me a second.

And they're like, you're not doing it fast. I'm like, I'm trying. And then they just, as I have in my mouth, they just go, boom, oh my God. And it's smoked, just smoked in on my eyeballs. Oh my God. I was, ah, that second show was not the best. The water ones are called water gates.

I think like water baths. So, two liter bath, because we did this in college too. This called water gates. I think like water baths. So a two-liter bath, because we did this in college too. This is dude, I was like, I just started smoking weed in college, so I was wildly irritating to everybody I was around because it was like first time and I'm doing also these. Like people are,

instead of the duct tape, they had just a burned hole, filled it with water, lid it, and then unplugged it, and the water sucked all the smoke down. And once it was cleared, you plugged it, and then took it. Slowly pulled out the gravity. Yeah, it was fucking bonkers.

I would literally, while walking back from like smoking in a covert spot on campus, I would like, from joy, just stop and scream at the top of my lungs. I was just a weird, so weird. I loved it immediately. I'm the opposite. I'm just like, I'm not gonna kill myself. Yeah. Yeah, I remember getting high at the store,

roguam, we get me high, and it would be like, I just want this to get out of me. Yeah. I've been hours, I'm done. It wasn't fun at all. Yeah, that's how Edible started for me. But I like hacked through the jungle with the machete. Oh, good old dope's up cannon.

Dope, dope, dope. It's on dope, dude. Hey, here's one that I actually saw in on Instagram. Florida bride, caterer, a restaurant after Pot, Lasagna allegedly sickens wedding guests. I saw the post and it said, hey, it's not funny. It scrolled down and it's like someone drugged us and we had to cancel our trip to Mexico City. What?

Yeah, and it's not funny. And some guests of the wedding went too far and I was just like, I kept reading the comments. It would happen. And they're like, read the thing and somebody drug them. And I was like, no, no, what, and then I, I commented what drug was it? And now I'm just finding out right now. It's what lasagna.

Oh my God. Come on. Well, what, what type of shitty wedding was this, by the way? Someone, someone brought this whole square. I made lasagna. Lasagna whole square. I made lasagna. Lasagna. Good point. I made lasagna like brought it to the wedding.

Good point. It was a good point. That's a lot of stuff. It's a cook-ac-yard. It's a bring-your-home. Yeah. It's a dog shit wedding. How many people have this wedding?

The duo are faced with multiple charges, including tampering, culpable negligence, and delivery of marijuana. Oh my God. That's fucking slap on the wrist. If Florida though, it's great. Isn't it really straight? This is some fucking. Oh, one guess, we're pressing an ambulance.

It does make me laugh because like if they had to cancel their trip, it's at least the next day, maybe even like a couple days after that. I think they were just like, we don't know when we're going to cover, we better cancel it. No, these these people are so poor and trash think they were just like, we don't know when we're going to cover. We better cancel it. No, these, these people are so poor and trash that they still go like straight from the wedding. Oh, right. On vacation, which is like, which died out in the 40s.

Yeah, they have the cans, they have the cans on the thing. It says just married. Yeah. They're like, we have no home. We're, we don't have a place to stay. We're not using rent. They're, they're, they're about 19 years old. They've never done weed before.

What happened? This is true. They're about 19 years old. They've never done weed before. What happened? This is true. These are fucking hillbilly. Why do we, when it's four locals, still readily available in the tech floor, with the original brew? You could stuff.

Dude, I spiced this chick I banged down there once and was like, and she was trash, but she was caught out of my league, thank you, comedy. And she was like, come inside me, I can't get pregnant. No, it did, whatever. And she was all she did is drink four locus all the time. And then like two years later, she's like, I'm pregnant, everybody can grasp to me. Wow.

And Dodge so many fucking bullets, no offense, Mike. No, no, you were the first. This is what Ari thinks his his opinion on children is going to somehow affect me because the fuck I was talking talking to yeah, fuck that. I could cuddle love on. I run anymore. I'm rabbit like children. The first time I was like, I think I was talking to Liz downstairs and she was asking me questions like adults do, you know, about something new in your life. And Ari just pointedly for no reason was like, yeah, I don't care about kids. They're stupid. Just looks like it, that's like, all right. It is a boring conversation.

It's like, when people talk about 9-11 truth or stuff, and I'm like, ugh. You don't like that? No, so boring. Unless this is a new theory that I haven't heard. No, it's a sotties. Sotties. If what is people like, it was the Irish, but I'm listening.

Yeah. I kind of believe you, but I've never heard this one. They're just shh, hep-faced. Yeah. No, I couldn't keep a secret, I don't think. They couldn't keep a secret. Yeah. Too much. Probably would have slept through it.

Yeah. Would have been a little out of it. Yeah. Yeah. Fah, you missed that foot. When's the next flight? Yeah. It'll be 450.

Yeah. The 450 flight. How about it? It was done by black people because they got people right at nine o'clock so they were trying not to hurt any black people by getting them early enough. Oh, I think I'd say it was supposed to be at seven, but yeah. It's the most unratially motivated terrorist attack. Yeah, we want to hurt no black people. Yeah, a lot of people gotten the right to work. You know, there was a lot of stuff. See the same thing as I said about that subway shooting.

How many people used 9-11 as your excuse for I was already gonna be late, but now I'm saying I was on time. Every fucking time I've had a job where it's important to be on time, and I'm running late, I'm like, you know what? I'm shooting. I'm just like, if there was to be a terrorist attack soon, it'd be cool if I had me today. Yeah.

Because it'd be just like, sorry, it was on my way. I would definitely wouldn't have been. Someone probably slept out 9-11, right? Yeah. Walbert. Yeah, they got drunk. Walbert was supposed to be there. This was their last warning. He would have stopped it.

He said he would have. It was their last warning and then they woke up and they're like, oh shit, they're like putting on their shoes and then they look at the news. I mean, there was a lot of story. My friend, his father had that story of like, I was doing for a meeting at 9 a.m. to the World Trade Center or one of the towers. He's like, I literally watched,

I was running super late. I watched it from the George Washington Bridge. Wow. Yeah. They did somebody told me, me and Davido, and Davido will be on my podcast, or he should have a scaper-tank in two weeks. We were, we had a driver said he used to work at World Trade Center

in retail, and I'm like, oh, they're store stores there? So yeah, I guess so. Somebody had to have gotten arrested for shoplifting the day before 9-11. And then the files are gone? Not the files are gone, but I'm like, who cares if I have that? The charges should be dropped.

All the goods in there would have been wasted. If I stole a souvenir world trade center, you know, I mean, on Monday, they all would have been destroyed on Tuesday. It's lost inventory regardless. Regardless. Drop the fucking charges. It's like if you owed money to someone who died in one of the planes, you're going to cancel. It's a wrap. Really, when you think about it, 9-11 was the first cancel culture. For sure. The canceled buildings. Yeah, the canceled buildings were being too tall.

Full of freedom. Absolutely. What about, I've always thought about this. What if someone was getting their hair cut? It's fucking financial district, right? They're sitting down there, they have a long hair, and they go, take it all off, shave it, and the guys are like, you sure? He's like, yeah, I haven't got a hair cut in two years.

And he goes, and then they're playing, the same, and the guys are like, you sure? He's like, yeah, I haven't got a haircut in two years. And he goes, and then the plane, did the same, so then he has to run, he goes home, and everyone sees him, it's like, oh my God, are you okay? And then they're like, why am I on your head? And he has to have shaved. And for the next five days, because everybody was close, he just has to greet people and mourn, and he has a big stupid haircut.

Maybe a half, one half, one half rip. He could say one of the engines from the flight, hit him just directly. Yeah. He could say one of the engines from the flight hit him just directly. Yeah, he could, he could just buzz them. I was at Kimowitz's funeral, Dave Kimowitz, the owner of the stand, who got stabbed to death. Crazy, it was like Kimowitz said, what? How? He got stabbed to death.

What? What a double story. I mean, it doesn't do as well as this guy. That's not a good excuse for your lay. Some guy got stabbed today. Yeah, but at the time I had some dumb haircut where I skin-shaped bald into my head. So it was just zero on the top

and all the sides were in, you know, just for fun. And I mean, I was shaving with a razor at the time and the memorial was the next day at the stand and I had to show them like, hi, I'm sorry. You were. I'm sorry, you're lost. And people, and I, if you forget what you look like. Oh, man. It's for end people like, what the fuck? I saw Bill Burdy. He's like, hi, I'm sorry, you're lost. And people, and I, you forget what you look like. It's for, and people like, what the fuck?

I saw Bill Burdy, he's like, Jesus dude. He's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, I didn't think of that. Yeah. You're grown in some for sure. I might have worn an oversized Yamaha. Quicker cap, yeah. Yeah, one of those charade ones. All this and more can be told to you at R.E. Shafir, June 11th and 12th. At the roulette right near Brockness at the tickets at rhesafir.com you guys.

Someone's listening on that flip phone. Yeah. It will be a lot about Judaism. Some will be respectful. Some will be not. All will be funny. And if, but some will be respectful, some will be not. All will be funny. And if you live in the Tampa area, make sure to see Mike Cannon and Colin Torell at Side Splitters Guys.

It's all I hear about is how great a club that is. So go see both these guys. Have you been? I have not. I'm going to go. I did the improv twice and that's it. And then I'm going to go for backslur at party show for Norman and he's already sold out to worry about it.

That's right, me Norman and Liss sold out a club for one night. That's right. I'm in shows. One, three shows. Oh, that's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're just using that money and paying for strippers. That's good. Perfect. That's, I'm actually, I'm going to my sister-in-law's wedding in November.

And I'm forced to go a few days early because it's family. So I just, I'm doing two nights at Zaini's. In Chicago. In Chicago. Great. That's good. Great. What's the Thursday? Fuck it. I did it with Nick Yusufon. This should be more. This first of all, that makes the whole thing tax deductible. Yes. Jew notes. All this and more. Archive of your journal notes. Well, it with Nick use of funds. This should be more. This is first of all, that makes the whole thing tax deductible. Yes. Jew notes. All this and more. Archive, original notes.

Stickers, Archive, and I come. But also, it's like a pace for the fucking trip. Yeah. Me and Nick use of did it where like let's go see Archive Fire in Chicago. We did a night, an off night in Zainese. I think it was a Thursday show. We did Wednesday. They're closed anyway.

Two shows. Use all that money to pay for the whole fucking thing. 20, $50 for tickets. Too much. How much? 250. There's a whole shit. $2,000 like $11 or $9 or something. There was a lot on the floor, but still.

Wow. They were there best though. Okay, guys, so here's how it works on you know what, dude. And I don't know if you know this, but now we switch over to the Patreon. So if you're listening, we're going to get to one question and you're going to see what's available on Patreon. Patreon is what's the Patreon Patreon.com slash Robert Kelly live. Robert Kelly live. That's co-host. I know that.

So let's do one question for free and then we'll switch it over into the Patreon. So guys, this is the kind of shit you will get questions for everybody. Oh, there's some questions for all right too. Questions for everybody. Oh, there's some questions for Ari too. Questions for everybody. Mother fucking nature. Are there any jokes that you have that you were surprised didn't work during a set but has, no, no, that's a dumb fucking comedy question? Alexander says, oh, that's his name.

You saw me your jokes not work sometimes? Yeah. What are you surprised by? Jesus Christ. Which of you would look better in a fun house mirror? You. I would look better. Yeah, that would be up a bit. We right now you can see each other You're just like it would improve all three of us all three of us you currently look like you're in a fun house mirror Wow, that is rude

Call the racist. I'll see if it's later. It's a little racist. I guess yeah, I have a side the side you would look fine Now, I mean, I'd look swirly. You look swirly. Yeah, you look at it. Colin would look in. Colin, let me see you without your shirt. No, I bet he's big. You're about to say bodies, me.

Yeah. No way. What? I'm a donus compared to you. Like kidding me. Look at that fucking, you look like a fucking backyard brawler to a roadhouse. Yeah.

Yeah, you look malnourished. You get me. I'm going on mass weights. Dude, that fucking belly button looks like a fucker where they fucking the end of the world happens. It's a deep bond. Oh, that's a deep bond. That is a, that's full of stuff.

Oh, yeah. I haven't deep belly button too. Yeah, yeah. It's a nice, you have a deep belly button. I will. Never button too. Yeah, it's a nice you have a deep belly button. I will so it never smell it Where yeah, it's gross. Let's do a thing where we all get in there and then another person smell it pass it to your right or left The pole you choose I call you choose right or left right You're lucky because I just oh My god, oh

My god Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I'm bad. I'm bad. I don't think you're as bad. This isn't bad. I didn't get much. No, I smell his fucking finger. It is fucking crazy, dude. I was a lot.

Leave us that. That's like what somebody smells before powerlifting. It's bad to me. Doglifting. It's bad to me dog shit. It's bad to me. I'm not I'm not I'm not one who would ever overreact their overacted shit. That was I went in so confident like You thought I was bullshit, right dude it showed me what's wrong with you? I was in there. I don't know you spent atten from my finger. I didn't smell anything really. Yeah, yeah Yeah, we're fine. You got a disease. I shriveling. Oh, you're putting it on the bomb and dad They're close to nothing

That rocked me dude. Oh It got so close and I That rocked me dude. It got so close and I, you were on it. I didn't think it could possibly be that bad. That was wild dude. I'm trying to think like something's wrong. I bet you could sell that smell.

Oh, it's like a wax break or something. Something disruptive. Keep wild cats away from your garden or something. Yeah, something. Keep these foxes from your garden or something. Yeah, so keep these smells like bearers. Yeah, keep these foxes from attacking your chickens. A bunch of farmers and Oklahoma for a bunch of. That was wild, dude.

Yeah, it's not great. I think you're dying. I guess I chose the game because I assumed your smells would be similar. Yeah, that's like dissimilar. That was like a bad wound. Oh, it's like you washing yourself with vinegar? It was vinegar-y.

It was a sharpness. Yeah. Yeah. I was falling asleep. I was like, what are you going to get about? You're going to get a fuss. Spellie button. I really don't want to.

You don't want to, but wait, is this sexual? It's not. Nicole, come get it. Yeah. Just, come on, come on, not Nicole. You've got control. Come on, Nicole, come over. And all this, now we'll be on Patreon.

Nicole, come get your fucking dose. Stick around. It's got controls. Come on, dude. Call, come over. And all this, now we'll be on Patreon. Call, come get your fucking dose. Stick around, it's not over yet. This episode of YKWD is continuing now, exclusively on patreon.com slash a rubber kelly. See you there. Don't forget to check out all these guys at Side Splitters in Tampa.

Check out my Canon Special, white privilege homeless, on YouTube right now, and come see my special. June 11th and 12th in Brooklyn, tickets at rachiafair.com. Let's get the fuck out of here. Good job. That was fun. That was fun. Better host and Bobby, I'd say. I'd say. Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Espectacularismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sincín de aventuras te esperan. ¡Friparás! Vuelas desde Madrid, Amurcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros.

Volotea. Tarifa sujetas a disponibilidad. Consulta las condiciones en volotea.com you