Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Ari's Quest

Episode Date: May 15, 2017

This week on YKWD: Robert Kelly invites on Guests Ari Shaffir, Dave Smith and Tim Dillon. Fresh off his adventures in Asia, Ari shares his stories of his long trip abroad with no contact with anyone from America! He also exposes himself a little too much. Bobby plans a trip with the guys for next year and we finally get to the bottom of what's going on with Dave and Lauren! Watch/Listen/Share/Enjoy Dudes! RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude on the Riotcast Network, Riotcast.com. Welcome to the floodiest podcast on the planet Earth. This is going to be a claustrophic. It's podcast. It's no rules. I'm going to the mic, asshole. I'm sure I've already said should I regret it? Can I get a mic?

No! That was trying to keep it like a comic head. I have a bunch of eyes on. It's just us sitting down Sometimes it's hilarious sometimes it's 10 no topics no directions. I love doing it Side to the coin Do you think my podcast is popular? I might affect somebody's life. You never know. It's Robert Kelly, so you know what to podcast on whitecast.com. Yeah. Yeah.

The podcast that has been going on for fucking year after year after year after year. No fucking quitting. No days off. Have a show every fucking week and it's free except for premium members because we love you. Join. Oh, I got a new show going up there. I did a one on one with Nick DePolo this weekend weekend. Nice. That I'm gonna get over to Rob sprants We also have the creeps of kids. There was a problem with the file correct well the files are just really big massive

So we have to rob's I mean Adam is working on it right now. So we apologize, but I got a nice one with Nick Topala, one on one that's going up this week for premium members, 199, get the podcast blah, blah, blah. Download Robert Kelly's You Know What Do That. Yes, free. And then you join up and it's one and nine. You support the, not one at night.

Is it one and nine? 199 and then first 10 episodes. It's not so. I said 99, 199. 10 episodes are always free though. If you can't afford it, we get it. We we just but if you can support the show support these guys You know trying to get everybody paid on the show a little bit of money because we do a lot of fucking work every week Anyways, this is gonna be a great show today

We have I just went downstairs. I went live I was testing out my Mivo camera, which I love by the way I went through Twitter because now testing out my Meevo camera, which I love by the way. Did you do your Facebook? I went through Twitter because now you can do Twitter and and and Periscope. Periscope, Periscope. Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per-Per- I My boobs Yeah, I didn't look at your boobs at all you did I caught you right here They're not there

There's nothing about your boobs that warrant a look You're getting a boob job? No, I mean, I'm not trying to offend you. Bobby, they're the nipple is. Yeah, that's what I say to girls. The head, the head is what counts. Not the shaft. I'm just going to go get my word about it.

You should. Oh, your hydrate sparks, which, uh, how do you like it? Love it. It's my favorite. It was great. Did you hook it up? I did. Did you?

I did. It's right. I gave one, uh, Tom Celetti has one. Me and Tom were talking about it. His love says he thought it was a fucking stupid gift. He said that his went off and then you called him. He thought it was a leg. Yeah.

Yeah. They're all linked. I gave one to Serp. Serp's got one. Serp. Serp man. Serp's got one. Serp man's got one.

You guys are filming today. Yes. How great was that? We filmed a red hook. It was a lot of fun. Red hook. Yeah. That's great.

Nice weather. You, J Train. Who else? J Train, DeVito, Anthony DeVito. That's a good cast. That's awesome. Great. I did the makeup too today. Oh, you did the makeup?

Yeah. Jay Train needed makeup. No way. I need a little touch, a little powde-powde. He, uh, he came in, uh, well, he actually was in the chat today. I was doing the Meevo thing. Oh, really? Yeah.

So we're reading through the comments and, uh, he had a funny line cut. He really got, he goes, uh, he goes, uh, uh, uh, Liz, what do you get scurvy? And then he wrote, he doesn't have scurvy, but he's definitely curvy. Just the corny fucking funny joke. Um, that's great. That's awesome, man. Um, and you got a bunch more this week, right? Yeah, doing every day, every fucking day.

So Monday, you did yesterday? No, no, no, two day ones. If there's a Friday and then next week again. That's great. That's awesome. Yeah. And are you gonna be in one of them? Yeah. Naked? No. Serpico stupid. Why wouldn't you write? Serpico, if you have you listen to this, yeah, I don't even know if you listen to it. I don't know if I can tell my scene, but it's funny. I don't know. Don't reveal any of that yet. Let's save it.

But it's good. I would have wrote you naked don't reveal any of that yet. Let's save it. But, um, it's good. I would have wrote you naked. God damn it, I would have wrote a nice fucking ass shot for you. Not totally naked, just an ass shot from behind. You know what I saw an ass shot? We're gonna do, and we're gonna do. We got actually a nice reveal.

We got a brand new sticker that we're sending out. We do. Um, no, yeah, I can't wait. You guys, we want you to spread these stickers all over the fucking world. We're gonna put them out there. It's gonna be just the sticker. No, nothing out.

This is what you get. We're doing this, we're doing this pick right now, which is Lauren took for the show right there. That's gonna be the sticker. We want it. That's the new sticker, right there, baby. Not bad. Not bad. Adam goes, wow.

Look at that. Look at that gap. You could drive a J-train through there. Wow. Look at my journey still look too bad. Yeah, because you're an illusionist. Bob, I swear to God, when you got, when you signed on here, you had seat cups. And then a month and a half later, she went down when you signed on here, you had seat cups.

And then a month and a half later, she went down to be cups. And then you went back up, and then you went down to bed. But that was a pretty stressful time. I lost them weight. How much weight, Maya? I mean, Jesus, I have big attits than you now. Yeah, they look, they don't look like I've banded there.

They look great, you look fantastic. Thank you. I mean, yeah, that is huge. I know, I have a huge head. Why? My brother says I have a bubble head. You have a fine good head. My head really that is huge. I know I have a huge head. Why do my brother says I have a bubble It really does look huge I look it's my chin's half my face. So I'll get you my pretty What if this whole time Jaylen don't really was my uncle

I'll be funny. I feel like your father. Yeah, we're gonna make these into stickers Yeah, and we're gonna be giving them out to everybody comes to the show And if you want them you can you can grab them. We also what's the fuck meter up to? Oh, there's another fuck we're we're 50 we got some emails. We're 50. Oh, how much we're gonna start at 345 we're gonna $345 At our when we started 345 I'm starting the fuck meter for the show. Okay. We're at $55. Okay.

And we're ending it today. And we're going to end it today. So whoever today is the day, so you got, I got an email too. Yeah. I forward you the one email. Okay. So we got a bunch of emails from people that want this money. We're also getting great artwork.

We got great artwork. We're going to be coming out with a, that's one of the stickers. We're gonna be coming out with a that's one of the stickers. We have another sticker coming out and we got a another t-shirt coming out for the summer. A summer tea? A summer tea like my summer hoodies. Can I get a summer tank? Anyways, um Adam, how are you doing today? How are you doing? Good man. Still over here. Fucking sweating. Are you sweating? I just thought you not? I thought there was problems with the audio again. Why? Because people say shit on here and then I don't check it.

I got to check it on my phone. Yeah. And then I go, oh, they're just fucking around. Well, don't you believe my chat room? Well, not necessarily, but don't ever believe my chat room. They've been credible. So in like giving me like, hey, you know, so, so, yeah, so, so I, I trust them. Hopefully they wouldn't, but I think somebody just was like making a random comment.

But otherwise I'm good, man. How you doing? I'm doing good. Now that you panic at me about the sound, this sound good. It's good. Yeah. I checked it on my phone. All right.

Good. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got what? A laughable. A big event. Check it out. First of all, I'm going to announce this. My show tonight sold out, uh, uh, the pussy cat, uh, next Monday, I'm doing another one with the village underground, uh, so get your tickets now.

Go to commicellard.com. It's the first ad that pops up by your tickets right now. There are only 10 bucks a pop. It's downstairs at the village underground. Uh, I'm going to get an opener to do a do like 10 minutes in front of me and I'm running my hour because we're trying to get this new hour nice and tight and figure a little out of fat and a lot of stuff and work it out. So tonight I'm doing it at the village on the ground. You can stand by if you want, maybe they'll jam me in there. It's sold out, but you never know, people flake. So come down

tonight. If you want to stand by eight o'clock, and then next Monday, the 15th, I'm doing another hour at the village underground comedy sold.com. And then this. And laughable. Beautiful laughable app, which is the best app. If you're a comedy podcast or you don't have this app, you are fucking a moron. You stink. Wow. It's a problem. This is the problem. I'm just a problem because I should have just kept her under wraps on the show. What I did, I was like, Oh, you know what? You used to

learn. You should treat. And then Sherpa was like, great. I love learning. Then Norton was like, everybody loves Lauren. Christy love everybody loves Lauren. And she's now she's all over the fucking place. Now she's here. Here comes the downfall. She's got real comfortable. Guarantees, she's gonna start doing comedy soon. Hey, Bob, were you looking, my set? I did. And you'll probably want to get in a deal. I'll be still doing this show.

Bob, yeah, we'll never leave you ever. I will be waiting for that. I'll accept that. I'll accept what it is. All right, 9.50. 9.50. In the first episode, remember that when she fucking goes to film a true TV fucking reality show with fucking Jessica Kirsten and her mean of Franklin produced by fucking Jim Serb

I'll be I'll be fucking working at home deep out Remember it remember it 950 fucking this episode. I think I'm gonna therapy today I know the minute you walked in here with that attitude 950 fucking this episode. I didn't go to therapy today. I can tell. I did the minute you walked in here with that attitude. But I said, Bobby, look at my water bottle. And he said, why is it supposed to be happy for your water bottle? OK, let's get into this then, Lauren. First of all, plunk a laughable show.

522, level show. Everyone's going to be this going to be great. Could you plug it as much as you plugged your own fucking things? I still can't wait to try one. Exactly. Um, 522, Laffyville show, Village Underground. Village, can I help you with this? There's a great show happening. Why are you letting, we're not done plugging it! Oh, no, no, no, I'm sorry! Oh, you see it? This always happens to all of them.

No, it doesn't. Except, you know what didn't happen to Kelly Fistuka. She stayed the same. Oh, no, Tr doesn't. Except you know what didn't happen to Kelly for stuka. She stayed the same. No, she's, you know, like she got bigger. That's why she got a fatter and she stayed same. I need you to get fat again. No, I can't. I hope so. Lathable. It's a great app. It's amazing. Get it. It's free. If you're a comedy and they're doing a live show. What date? 522, May 22, May 22. May 22. Yeah, don't do the 522. Sorry, May 22.

Hopefully, I think my fans are as dumb as me and they have to go 522. Honey, what's 5? Yeah. And then they look like assos, just say May 22. All right, May 22. Yeah, do fucking military time too, while you're at it. Oh, that's so hard. I can't do it.

I can't figure it out. You're a dummy like us. So we have that show. So go to combyseller.com for that tickets to. Yeah, she gets mad at me. First of all, I got her a water bottle. I got this amazing water bottle. Hydrate sparks. What's I'm in plug it everywhere? I'm getting shit for, of course. Is that one? I got shit. I got this is one of the bandiliers.

This is the go runner. This is the bandilier I got shit for. This is my only flop. And I'm gonna be giving this go runner, this bandilier. It's a large. I'm gonna be giving this away too. Okay, next month we're giving away this go runner. So if you want this go runner, this bandilier

that you know, you know about you email her. What's your address? What's the email address? YKWD producer at riotcast.com. That's right. You email her and you tell her why you want that go runner. What you need to for. And there you go. Who's coming up? Did you find out? Okay, great. Um, there he is. Hey, Dave, what's up, buddy? Where's Dave sitting? Where's Dave sitting? You're? Okay, great. There he is. Hey Dave, what's up buddy? Where's Dave sitting? Where's Dave sitting? You're right there buddy. Yeah, right there.

Yeah, you're, what's up buddy? How are you? What's going on? Good to meet you back. Good to see you. We're talking about what we're talking about. The laughable shows coming up. My show's coming up, but I bought it this water bottle, Dave.

This beautiful. I got as a gift for you. Very nice. Yeah, it's very nice. I got her one. I got Jim Srepochone. I got myself one. I got Thompson. Letty one. I got Bartow one. Joe list. Hang on everybody real quick. Joe, you're on the YKWD live. What's up? Oh, wow. How about that? Yeah. I used to just be there on the show. Yeah, well, I mean, you've been busy. Well, it was available today. Well, come down. That's why I'm calling.

I have nothing to do. All right, well, come on in if you want. Is there room for Joe? Yeah, there's always room. Yeah, as long as you don't talk too much, come on down. Well, I'm in a story. It's pretty far away and I don't really enjoy being here. Well, what the fuck is he doing?

Who's on the show? I don't hear anybody. Well, we got Dave. Dave, what's your last name again? Smith, Dave. So I've known you for a fucking decade. It's a comedy show Dave. Relax. It's called sarcasm and joking around. This guy just went, I'm a storm off like Lewis. I should have let him go. Why did I stop him? It's called sarcasm and joking around this guy just went I'm gonna storm off like Lewis Good I should have let him go why did I stop him?

Why would I ever stop him I should is it cuz you know it would have got down the street when what the fuck He would have cooled down by Bryant Park did Lewis showed me the video and he goes I think I come off pretty good in this video I don't go you come off like a psychopath in this video. He does He doesn't he plays back the evidence Like Lewis is the guy who like shows, is like, you're on her. She gave me a note saying that she loved me and it's like a grocery list. Yeah. Well, it's funny.

It's like, I'm trying. He gets up and I'm fucking out of here. It's like, dude, are you, what are you doing, Joe? Are you getting arrested? What? No, no, it's listening to the show. Oh, we're going to go. Are you coming to not? I can't come in.

Please, what are you talking about? The show already started. All right. Well, I'll talk to you later. Then I love you so much. I love you. I'm going to go hurt by what? What? Yeah.

Um, yeah, he's fucking nuts. I was I watched that thing. I was like, what the who? Who first of all, who wants to fight their friends? Who, who, who fights? Who says I'm one of, I gotta go, because I'm gonna beat you up. And all the people that has ever helped this fucking ape, me, me. I should have let him go. I, why did I stop him from going to fucking LA? I should have just, he would have been a Mexican out there right now. He would have been trying to, hello.

King of Mexicans. He would have been the king of Mexicans. Then the whole rattlesnake thing would have played better. Yeah. Right? That's definitely a more rattlesnake welcoming environment. Yeah, they had dry desert. Yeah, we have like fucking, what, what do we have?

We have like coyotes. Yeah, he's like, should be the Puerto Rican water bug The Puerto Rican Cockaroch That was a fucking then the best part is that he fell red in his ass hole And then all that shit all that shit he winds up apologizing to the girl I'm sorry. I was wrong. I never got an apology. I think I think they both apologized I don't give a fuck I think it was a mutual you know who did you get an apology. I think they both apologized. I don't give a fuck. I think it was a mutual. You know who did you get an apology, Dave? You? I didn't get an apology.

He was gonna, I almost, we almost got into a fight. I didn't get an apology. Well, that's something that you should talk about. Well, we know what side you're on, blub, blub. How to go? Listen, I guess digital pays my bills. I can't fucking blame you. Good for you. Good for you.

Good for you for being loyal, you cock sucker. How much will cost to get you over here? Every week on the YKGBD. Ugh, no you're not. Is this thing? Is this how I'll forget? No one will talk about it. Is this out?

Are we out with this? Sure. Oh! Oh! We get the first. We're gonna have the first. Legion of Skanks dude the why K the you guys are gonna join The two head games

You're gonna have a kid who fucking beat the shit out of people and he's a nice person What he's like a what he our our kid opens a door for someone, he's like, that's his YKWD, so that's the... You have any slams in on his fingers for not saying you welcome him? That's it, he is an eighth go man. I mean, that's, you gotta understand. You guys are gonna have the first YKW fucking skank.

Oh my God. I love his cut, Sam. All right, announcement number two. But he's pretty good. I would so be, oh my God, first of all, you don't have to. I would not want to be happy, you felt like you'd get tits. Instead of these illusions that you're creating, you're having to worry about it.

Well, this is one man that knows what they look like. Yeah, and we know, and he got the same chest as Dave. It's, you know, disappointed Dave was the first, right? When he took those cans out Just like me lying on top of me Dude or tits are great keep going No, I completely disagree but you could do this for another five minutes on the smile. Do you like her titties? I do actually. I'm not a big. I don't look big I don't I don't know list. I think he's got a bit about it. I'm sure, I don't. Joe list is the same. He's got a bit about it.

Of course you don't. Of course you can. Gross. Big, off and titties. Yeah, big, juicy, awesome booze. Why would I want those in my face? Honestly, I'll say this. I think this is right.

Get me in trouble. This is shitty thing to say. But I think guys always almost, it's just the nature of the beast. Yeah. We want whatever we don't have. Just call it a beast. No, I'm saying we're the beast. The nature of guys, the beast.

And I was joking. Beautiful. Stop breaking. All right, listen, you libertarian. This isn't Fox News or Kennedy. Stop breaking down everything I say. All right, you don't have to laugh. You don't have to break it down.

Do what's fucking Rarist form. Asshole. Go ahead. All right. No, but I just think whatever you're like, if you like, whatever you're, you have, you start to think about the other. I think that's the nature of God. So, I don't know.

So if you're with a chick who has big tits, but like a flat ass, and you're like, oh, I wish I had a chick with an ass. And then when you're with a chick with a great ass, you're like, oh, right, I don't have a chick with a face. I don't know about that. I think you go, I mean, I'll speak for myself, because I don't know how every,

I hate when people go, guys think this way. I don't think you do. I go into phases of certain things. Sometimes I like a big titty. Sometimes I like a small titty. I've been in a small titty phase where I like a nice little fucking red neck, backwoods titty.

You know what I mean? Just a flat-chested lake bitch hit. Yeah. No. You know, fucking all of brothers have dirt bikes. Just a Christy McNichol tit. You know what I mean? I don't mind that. But then I like a nice juicy titty. I'm an actually, I've been a nice juicy, real titty face. Like I walked into a, I can't even say, I get so scared now of saying what I really mean on this day.

Well shut up. That fucking, it doesn't matter. Just go to say. We're all out now. Yeah, right. I get scared that I'm, someone say what I'm gonna say. And because I went to the doctors today

and I had to, I've got to get surgery. And all the girls in, soon as I walked in, I was just looking at their cleavage. Like just a fucking pervert. But it was it was it wasn't like it wasn't like awesome playboy cleavage. It was just that fucking juicy middle-aged titty. So you're definitely not more of a tip guy than an ass guy.

I like but I like like flat asses. I like a guy ass flat ass. Like a flat ass. I like flat asses. I like a guy ass flat ass I like a do-guess I want a little boy ass on a girl. I like a little boy ass This is the part that you should have been careful about saying I like a little I do my wife's got a little fucking boy As my wife has no ass whatsoever. I as you know great. She's got great tips Yeah, they cost a little fucking ten grand but They're gonna deal on them. I did I did I got a fucking deal Yeah, she worked for

She worked for the she was doing a lazy Harry move on a high end for this doctor and the other doctor was the best boob guy in New York City I mean Playmates and playboats with fly out here to be with this guy and he was like look I have this really bad back. It's Harry laser my back because it takes a long time to do and I'll give you boobs You for nothing you just have to pay the East Asia. What a beautiful barter Wow unbelievable. We're both gonna make each other a little more fuckable. So she I was going to deny it. But that was a day. I had a joke in my act. I was like, uh, the day your wife comes home was the best acting I've ever done in my life. I think I'm getting fake boobs. I was like, no, why? No, don't. The left one's so much bigger than the right one. And that nipple looks like it was melted and that looks like a Filipino boy nipple. Why

would you? Why would you want to make those perfect? Well, I even do that. But you could do it next Wednesday or free all day. Why even do that? Seriously? Three to five? Well, she got in just before the sky went to jail. Okay. He wound up having this massive fetish. Wait, he tried to get her to do it too. And she was like, go fuck it. Think of my wife has self esteem. Yeah. Because she was like, I want this size. And that's it. And she did all the research. This is what I want. blah, blah, blah, blah. And he was like, I want this size and that's it. And she did all the research. This is what I want. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

And he was like, I think you should go a little bigger. She was like, no, no. And she really was like, that's it. Fuck you. He would make girls boobs too big. Like the cartoonish big boobs, like the big boobs. And what happens then, so he'd put them back on, the nipples, it was too big.

So the nipples would fall off. Like they would die. And he would, all these problems happen with these playboy playmates that had these tits that were too big. And the nipple when it reattached didn't fucking take. And it just died on there. Like a fucking like a leaf. You can go so that you're like medically speaking, there's a certain point you're not supposed to go past or like, because I see the orange, you know, like the way cartoonish ones really like. I think you're supposed to go up and up and up. I don't think you're supposed to go just up.

You know what I mean? I don't know the details. I would love to research on that, but I say research and her fucking eyes start fucking twitching. You ever said, I remember last time I was at the comedy store, there was a little, a, a chick there. And I mean, you just immediately, you're like, you must be in porn or something like that. But I'm talking about like the, like the fakest, biggest fucking tits I've ever seen,

like three normal fake double dits. I think you have to, you can't just go up to that. You have to progress. A train. Yo, you have to get big ones and then bigger ones and then bigger ones. You have to, your skin has just like match like my stomach I didn't I didn't do this in a month. It took me a couple years, but I'm even funny on myself today. Holy shit Yeah, oh god

Wow, I don't think you could put that up there. Can we want? Is it on YouTube It's not on YouTube. Anyways, crazy. Guy wanted to go to jail, lost everything. They sued him, fucking what the jail was in the post, the daily. It was crazy right after. I was so happy.

Oh, that would have sucked. If like a week before she was getting fake tits, I just opened the post and there's this guy fucking right on the cover with just a tip with no nipple Just go mom. I was just do it. Just see what happens. It's Yeah, we got a nice deal though thousand bucks. What's it normally? It was 10 12,000 dollars For this guy for this guy was that much money. Wow. Yeah, we got a real good deal My and my wife I tell you right now, man, I don't like talking about my wife too much

because she'll fucking punch me in the face. They're real as shit. Because if you do, if you massage them and do what you're supposed, it's almost like physical therapy after an injury, you're supposed to do all this shit and a lot of people don't and that's why they can't walk right

or they break their fucking knee again. But if you do boobs right, what you're supposed to do, which she did, they look real as shit, man. I mean, you couldn't tell. You couldn't tell. Yeah, one's bigger than the other now. One's like, you know, one is, you know, there's nice droop to him. Yeah. I like a fake titty. I love a fake titty. I just hate when a girl's on top of you when she pushes and you can see the fucking muscle. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that, that, thank God my wife doesn't have that. And then you get what you got.

Just a fucking surfboard. An ass man. Wow. I am, I don't even think, to me, I don't even understand how people are more titty than ass. I'm asking you so much more to me. Why? Because that's what it's like fucking,

that's like what you hold when you're fucking. It's like that's what's right there. You don't hold the titties when you're fucking? Well, it's sure, but you don't like, it's not as... Why are we talking like with 30 year olds? You're gonna wrap in. Yo, you don't like titties when you're fucking? Yo, you don't hold the titties when you fucking?

Yeah, what is this hot 97? What the fuck are we doing? Why are we talking like this? She's right here. You're getting them titty balls up in your face, bro. Yo, you have a hair. She's right here. This poor girl is right here.

Yeah, Cee Grub's my ass. Okay, I don't want to know that. I don't want to know what Dave does to you. You're gonna stand your my, your my, my, I know, I know. And I don't want to know what Dave, what all things Dave does to you. I treat her very nice.

I respect you. Oh God, he always looks like he just got done fucking. Dave always has that fucking shiny face like he just got done banging. I actually accused you. I was like, this, he always looks dirty to me. Like he just fucks up. She's like, he's very clean. He's like, this, he always looks dirty to me. Like he just fucks up. She's like, he's very clean. He's like, he's soaked.

It's almost annoying how much he cleans himself. Are you ever seen? They do very clean. I didn't say that. But I said clean. I'm joking, guys. I'm adding stuff in to enhance the funny. It wouldn't be funny if I just said what you really said.

What do you, what do you cock suck? Is this isn't Murray Povic? We've decided to be very serious as a couple of times. Oh, okay. I'm not so into the comedy thing. Now, what, now let me ask you a question, dude. Sure. Now, you've guys have been dating for how long?

How long in secret? Well, there was ever a secret. We were just like, I don't know, how long have we, you know this, you're the girl. Like, I don't know, like, not, hang on a second. A few months. Go get the door. I'll show you, Dave. Go ahead, what are you saying? It's cool girl? Hang on a second go get the door Go ahead. What are you saying it's cool. I like when you talk to her that way it's

Yeah, look I don't know a few months. I was I bear you know, I was kidding I just got her baby. I was still massaging this thick. You can't win now a day Dave. You can't apologize tuts Hey, bro. Thanks a lot make sure there's a water for these guys. Get just hey, get your man another water What kind of what kind of brother here? I'm exhausted. What kind of brought you? He's thirsty David. I'm so sorry. I love this Oh, you guys can share water. It's disgusting So you guys were dating for how long? Yeah, like a ran ran J. You're a really weird. now when did you you must have saw her on the show right I met Lauren on the show Yeah, you met Lauren on the show and that night was at that night that it happened. No, no, no

We met we met like a while right here baby You're I see a million in the middle Sit over on the couch buddy. How you man? I go ahead. Hang up or there's still a little bit more. Sit over on the couch, buddy. How you doing? Good man. Good job, brother. Good to see you, man. What's a fucking, I hate Lauren's a fucking asshole.

I know. I'm learning slowly. She really is an asshole. What's, I really like I'm just fucking furious what you girlfriend right now. This makes uncomfortable for me now because I can't be mad at you girlfriend. No, you can't, but you,

being as mad as you want to. Can I throw through? I like watching her being degraded. How you know? This is what I'm into. I know. She's story. I know. I don't want to know. I don't want to know.

And you know what? When it's over and it will end. Whoa, dude. Oh, it's got to, oh, it's got to, she's a climber. Do you know what, when it's over and it will end. Whoa, dude. Oh, it's got air. Oh, it's got it. She's a climber. Do you know her? Oh, stop. Bobby, she's a climber and she chose to date me.

That's your argument. Oh, she starts at the bottom of the, she's climbing. She's on there. She's on there. Yeah, she's not there. She's still got feet on the pebbles. Yeah. Don't kid yourself.

Kevin Hart rolled in here any second. She'd be like, she can't take black guys. Really? Oh God, my dick just got a little hard right there. I'm a little bit, not fully, because a little bit. Why, can she do the fucking, she said black guys instead of the other word?

If Kevin Hart, that's why it's only half hard. If Kevin Hart came in here and I would be like, baby, you gotta jump on that right now. There's any opening. Why? What do you think she's gonna give you extra cash? As soon as he's done destroying your pussy with this, take this, probably as big as his body.

I've heard legends of Kevin's deck. He's got a big dick. That's a big dick. Hi, buddy, how are you? Good, thanks for having it. Where's Ari? Well, we know you're here. It's fucking, who's on the show?

Good, it's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what good? It's What what have an Ari he's coming out relax Okay, what do you want? I like to have people here with TV shows and stuff are you it's fucking I feel comfortable when people have TV shows on the program I got a little oh sorry. I don't I get a little nervous. I was gonna bring you Irish soda bread I had a a bag of five Irish soda breads. Why is he so loud? Listen can we get the tech right I had five Irish soda breads for you and I left it at my house. I apologize. Oh, sure.

You left it at your house because you said you wanted to think the dessert that was kind of cakey and, you know, I can't have bread. I haven't had bread since Easter. Wait a minute. Let's let's wait a minute. Is there a is there a lie detector anywhere? Or look at me. I am that that's why I'm finding the statement.

Interesting. I have a bread. He's been on an all a call. I'm not gonna give you a call. I'm not gonna give you a call. I'm not gonna give you a call. I'm not gonna give you a call. I'm not gonna give you a call. I'm not gonna give you a call. I'm not gonna give you a call.

I'm not gonna give you a call. I'm not gonna give you a call. I'm not gonna give you a call. I'm not gonna give you a call. I'm not gonna would have invited you. I just didn't know you were dating. Okay, and she didn't want to come. I would have invited Dave next time you can come. You and Lauren can come. All right, if you ever bring him to my house

when you babysit, I will murder you. Because you will fuck me my couch. Who am I, 15 year old boy friend? You're not fucking on my house, that's it. I would never. Well, I got a fucking three bedroom ranch. If I had a five bedroom fucking duplex, you can fuck I like that you literally I just in the same sentence as you invited me to your place you can come but you can come you said they're not fucking in my place

Dan Soder and he fucked in my place no really when what was the circumstance he was watching my dogs we went to a rubah and Dan brought fucking some milk back to my house, and got her milk juice all over my fucking shower bed. You have dogs? Dead. You want to bring up anything else? Oh, also dogs. I don't have a show.

I don't have fucking cars. My dogs are dead. What else you got? Fucking fat. I don't know. I'd like somebody with a show, some bread, and a golden retriever. He's on the wayver to be honest. Yeah We

God I love comedians. I love I'm like, hey, I'm sorry I'm a comic fucking you're not gonna win fat boy. Listen. That was you to Bobby called me a San Antonio goes There's a three pound cinnamon bun within two miles of your hotel and I went to get it immediately So I appreciate that as long as you're still not eating carbs, that you're projecting carbs onto me, which I appreciate. Well, first of all, here's a deal. You're in San Antonio, which every comic that's ever been

to San Antonio knows that he's alone. Nobody's coming through his kicks, right? And he's fucking gonna kill himself, okay? Because the hotel mediocre at best, okay? There's 13 people in the himself, right? Okay, because the hotel mediocre at best. Okay, the 13 people in the crowd, okay? And you have all day long doing nothing. Absolutely. Right? So now I'm gonna say, okay, make sure you get in touch with this guy, Mike. And you did the right thing, right? And go to this place and stuff your feelings with this food. Yes. And then go to this place and get a fucker, three pound honey bun. Yeah.

With the chicken fried steak, the size of your chest. Right. And fucking feel good about you. At least feel good before you go to bed. It is because I was there. There's a level of fat down there. I could be a personal trainer there. Yeah.

That's how fat people are. They're cinnamon buns with feet. They have no, I mean, it's just a meat. And then it's smoked. They all smoke. But here's the thing. It's a cinnamon mate and it's smoke they all smoke but here's a day kill It's a cinema. It's a three pound cinema 24 hours a day. You can get this thing. Yeah, so at the middle of the night You can go I wake up in the middle and then just take a fucking Uber and buy a three pound fucking Did you have like a premonition dream that told you you need a cinema?

I got your oh my god Cinembo it was me jumping off the fucking bridge in Austin where the bats come out because it didn't pick me for another festival. Oh, they put my name in fucking 12 point. Hell, Vettica, under fucking, under fucking Louis Gomez's. Hey, you coming to the festival?

Yeah. Here's the poster. No name, no name, minority woman, no name, no name, and Bob down the bottom. 20 year fucking veteran. And then there's somebody out there who's like, there should have been another minority. Yeah, yeah.

We're the Eskimos. Why are they not represented? Anyways, I'm sorry. Am I flipping out here? No. I really am a fucking jinx to a festival poster. Yeah, I really, I never ever, they'll put me, I think it's one person or two people.

Yeah, peoples, yeah, who make all the festival fucking posters. Yeah. And they hate me. They went to a show and just said, fuck this fat boy, he stinks. There is a lot of the same people. Worked for a lot of the bit, like do shit for a lot of the bit. Buddy, I don't know who it is, but I'm always down the bottle. It's funny because the poster is not an alphabetical order.

And then towards where it gets to be, all of a sudden it goes alphabetical order. Yeah. And you know, know our K that's real that's at the end. I'm gonna change my name to Bobby. It's not called me Bobby. I want top of the poster. We made that cool skankfest. It made that cool art poster of you. That was great. Skank. Can I talk about Skankfest? I'd love to. There's too many people. Let me taste them right now. Can we just say that? Bobby's not wrong. There's a club that holds 14 people. You have more people playing Skankfest than in Montreal.

Okay. Montreal goes for two weeks, has 95 theaters. Let me tell you something, this is a substantially bigger festival than Montreal. So we need more people. Lewis booked it. He's Puerto Rican. They pack like, you know, 12 into an apartment. That's just his mentality. Well, there's other than the creek. There's another venue that's huge. What's the other venue? I'm not sure. Lewis, uh, you know, I have a lot of space. It's a lot of space.

And you're going to have a lot of the bigger acts like for a christian already land. And people like that probably you on that bigger stage. Well, we're doing YKWD. Okay. I think we're just doing that the creek on Sunday. Okay. So yeah. Um, look, man, I hope it, I hope to have a, cause they released that fucking, he released that thing the other day

and I was like, what the fuck? I mean, if he pulls this festival off, he's gonna shut up. Sorry. Stop being such a gas digital fucking cock suck. I'm gonna just shut up. I'll fucking hold you, you can beat it. You're in the, you're in riot cast right stuff. I'm just saying out. How fucking old you can beat it. You're in the you're in riot cast right now.

All right. Follow suit. Listen. Okay. If he pulls it off, it's going to be epic. Yeah. And I'm sure you will. Well, I'll tell you for what what you pulled off last year was a lot of fun.

I mean, you were there. Yeah. Oh my god. It's a really fun time, man. Unbelievable time. What I mean, just a hang. Yeah, I was talking. It was a really fun time, man. Unbelievable time. What, I mean, just a hang. The way a festival should be, it's just people getting together,

having fun, having a good time. It shouldn't be, here's what it shouldn't be. Fucking, and it always turns into that industry-wise, you know? So I like Montreal, the industry's kind of not up there. It's for the young, the new people, it's not there. There's potential, but for everybody else, it's just a hang. We're going up there. It's for the young, the new people, it's not there. There's potential, but for everybody else, it's just a hang. We're going up there to do, to hang out, do shows,

and have a good time. Skankfest will have industry, the tattoo industry. But it will be, it will be, I have fucking joke with several people. I laughed at it, but it was really, you pushed it, the tattoo industry. Yeah, well, the tattoo is a weird word to get in. No, it's a funny thing.

What do you want to do in a Dean Martin roast? Well, I know a lot of people, the tattoo industry. Anyway, steen back to you. I think it's gonna be great. Last year was a lot of fun. I just love the creek, man. I love the creek. It's a great place and there's a cool,

you know, whatever this show and what, and obviously you guys had a lot of influence on like what we do at Legion of Skanks and stuff. There's something, it's like a hang hang and people who listen to it they feel like they're like hanging with you. Right. So one of the cool things about Skank business you're not just like coming to see everybody perform. You're like hanging hanging with everyone. Yeah, we all hang out front. I was out front last time. Just hanging. There's a lot of fans. There's a lot of people there that fucking smoke the cigar back and the back was fun. Yeah, it's a good time. Yeah. They travel.

There's a lot of people that are to travel from. Oh yeah, dude. People come back was fun. Yeah, it's a good time. Yeah. They travel. There's a lot of people that are travel from fun. Oh, yeah, dude. People come from all over. Yeah, you had that festival word in there. People love that. People will go, man. It'll care.

But it's also if they come in, if they're fans, a lot of people are like fans of not just like you or Bert Kreischer or this. A lot of people are fans of all you guys. Right. So it's an opportunity that they know they'll be able to come. If they're traveling that date, they know they'll see all of you. You know what I mean? So it's's like it makes sense. It makes sense

I'm gonna start a festival called guys that should have made it Guys who inspired other people who made it That's my festival. I like it. It's gonna be me and a bunch of fucking chubby guys with great hair Fucking brown teeth. I like it. Just screaming. Yeah, fucking Fucking brown teeth. I like it. Just screaming. Yeah, fucking What did you get that shirt? You just a bunch of the festival food trucks and a parking lot food trucks One theater. Yeah with a basement great inflatable chairs bean bag chairs guys who fucking the industry fucking with Viet me what a Vietnamese suck me. I suck a dog shit

It is a bad dad and go to therapy I skipped it. I gotta get surgery on my belly button. Why do you have to do that? Why? Both of you settled down. You're coming out too hot. Wait, when?

Huh? When? When? All right, whoa. I just said what? I didn't hear it. You just repeated the same way. I'm scared for you.

Why, I'm not gonna die? I don't know. My face having a cesarean. It's a regular routine operation. Wow, fatso. I'm sorry. They're taking out a ribeye for 1987. Oh my God, you fucking mushy fat queen. How dare you wear a sweater.

I told you, I had a fucking belly button, uh, hernia. I was bad as the baddest thing that has ever been said in my life. My stomach was working too hard. No, you don't even, you don't know what it is, you ready? All right. It's that I had a cold a few months ago, a couple months ago, and I was sneezing really hard. And I have these bad sinuses, and I was sneezing,

and I pushed a whole in my abdominal wall where the intestines kind of pop out. Right. Yeah. Which I'm sure happens in very healthy people. All the time. First of all, it's an marathon runner. It's the most I sneezed and now I need surgery That's that story. I said sneezed. Now I need surgery the Bob Kelly story Don't kid yourself. I know that you're on your way and you gonna call me. Hey, what doctor? And you gotta call me. Hey, what dog did you? Everybody to go fuck off.

Type in most common hernia, most common hernia, and then tell her how to spell hernia. Stay here, Tony. Fucking dits from Jersey's not gonna know. Sorry, Dave. The most common type of hernia are intergrowing, incisional resulting from an incision, femoral out of groin,

and umbilical belly button. That's what you have. Belly button, and bellical one I have what is the least what is the Let me see different kinds of hernias Yeah, I forget it. What is the most common type of hernia for buffaloes? Belly Belly Belly button. All right you right. You're right. First of all don't don't do audio jokes Cuz there's care All right, we're fucking that's your Lewis thing. I Cause there's care. I'm trying to keep gum. Yeah, all right.

We're fucking that's your Lewis thing. I want it to be funny. I don't have to be funny enough about you. All right. Listen, baby. I, it's the most common one, but the one, the growing ones are terrible. You have to go for surgery right away.

Which is still happening in you. Like you haven't, it hasn't been fixed yet. And not hasn't been fixed. So you just, can you feel it? Like right now? You can push it back in. Oh, but mine's not hurt. No, no, no, no, no.

But the the umbilical one is just calm and it's very calm and it doesn't hurt and you can live with it. You probably they that's why I stopped the carbs and the sugars. Right. Because you have to lose some weight before you get the surgery done. So I had to lose like 10 pounds, or less like 10 pounds, because I was getting, he went, it's good.

No, I'm saying it's just good, whether you're doing the surgery or not. So it's, but they go in, they saw up, they put a piece of mesh behind the, in the stomach, and then they sew it back up. And so you stomach, because I mean, quite literally, if I push too hard, my intestines intestines intestines can just shoot out my belly button

It's like the Wizard of Oz with a scarecrow's hay is falling out of the stomach They just got to put the scarecrow hay back in yeah, it's it's it's quite a fucking thing when you know that you your stomach was so full That you rip through the walls of it. That's crazy. Yeah, it's crazy. Wow. Yeah. It's it's it's it's horrifying. Well, it'll be it's a routine procedure, right? Oh, now you're on my side. I'm thinking about this happening to me, versus. Well, I hope it happens to you next time you're in Austin, you only come. Chef in the fucking who called you this weekend? You did. Who else? Nobody. Yeah. Nobody. Yeah. I know. I know. You know why? Yeah. Because I knew you were going through. Right. Nobody. Yeah, I know. I know. You know why? Because I knew you were going through.

Right, I know, and I appreciated that. I've been there. Yeah. I know you're out there alone by yourself. Nobody else gave a shit. Nobody else gave a shit. Oh, I like to win in your Facebook status. I appreciate that.

What the fuck is that? It was a good one. Yeah, listen. What was it? I don't know. It's, it's, I think it was, I'm a comic. I live on a floor. Now here's what I think about France. because that was what everybody was doing now.

Everybody walks dogs for living, wanted to wait into French politics over the weekend. I just love how I love how the same people who went, when Hillary lost, it's just right, like the sexism. And then the chick who's on the right, yeah, loses over there. I'm like, good. Good. He's a Nazis.

Everyone who disagreed with me is a Nazis. This is so funny. You're like, oh, so that sexism thing, it's only if they're on your team. Right. Not see everyone who disagree. He is a not see. This is so funny. You're like, oh, so that's sexism thing. It's only if they're on your team. Right. It's not really about women. Right.

It's about being on your team. It's any minority. Mulea Yannapalus is gay. People shooting firecrackers at him when he speaks and everybody forgets that, you know. And he just wants to rape kids? Yeah. Yeah, but he doesn't want to rape kids.

I'm just kidding. I don't think, I mean, we know that Dave's kidding. Well, I know, but that really did freak me out because I was watching this guy. Yeah. Kind of peak. I hope that was a gun. It was a fucking Ari Shafiro front just ending it. He peaked.

He was peaking. He was becoming popular. Right. Very popular. Right. And then he went on Bill Mar, and he kinda got a little star struck, a little fucked up. When he was on Bill Mar, he used kind of bound his head.

He was nervous, you could tell he was nervous. And he kept trying to be funny. And he was kinda, I don't know, he was a little off, he was a little off when he was on Bill Mar. He wasn't as confident you as a shot. Okay, sure. And then they found this footage, or if I'm saying this,

but I love the way that they presented it. They put a little boy's face, like a three year old boy. Right, right, not a teenage boy. Right, not with pubes, who he was talking about. Yeah, when he was talking about sex, he was talking about somebody who could have sex. Right, a three year old boy-old boy and a white man,

just a fucking pedophile. That was the image they put on the title and they put his name Milo, but it was a white priest looking guy, just a pedophile, and a little white boy, a three-year white boy. And then it read whatever the title was, pedophilia or something like that.

So you're like, oh, everybody was like, if you don't know this guy, whatever, you were like, even me, I was like, oh, Jesus, what the fuck is this? Yeah. No, look, I'm, yeah, but you're like, you're saying it's just kind of fucked up in misleading in a way, because you're like, that's not what he was, you know, saying. And I do, I think, like, to me on that Bill Martin thing, I just thought, I thought Bill Martin Milo both kind of came off good, because they were at least like,

kind of like, I thought the CIA guyo both kind of came off good because they were at least like kind of like in good. I thought the the CIA guy and Larry Wilmore came off so shitty because they were just like, it was just like, they were just like being consta him was like the bit like, I don't know. They're very because liberals are very angry now. They're not fun anymore. Yeah. The reason why Larry was trying to be that is because of Jim Jeffries the night before. Right. Right. Right. Right. Yeah.

Well, he was like, go fuck yourself. And you know, this, I think Jim had a real fuck you. Yeah. And I think Larry was trying to somehow replicate that with this fuck you shit. And it's like, dude, how do you talk to people like that? I don't understand. And especially like a show like Bill Mars show. And then it gets like these huge applause.

And you're like, wait, so this is what you want to do here. Like is it? By the way, the thing that even Jim Jeffries, I think Jim Jeffries is hilarious. But I thought he was completely wrong in that thing too. Like Pierce Morgan, they were calling it what Trump has the Muslim band. Let's do Skankfest this year. If he's in, I will back out. He was 100% right. It appears Morgan was like, it's not really a Muslim ban. We shouldn't call it that because you know, it doesn't ban like 80% of Muslims. It's just these like few countries. Like it didn't touch Indonesia, which is the biggest Muslim population in the world. So you can't really call it a Muslim ban. That was Pierce Morgan's point.

And Jim John Rees responds with just, oh, fuck you. Fuck you. It's like, I think that I think what are we, how is that a conversation? I think the issue here is you have two things happening. One of them is that you have people that have lost the ability to debate. They cannot argue. I was raised in a house where everybody fought. You would fight about everything in Irish house. You probably, you know, you're friends. Arguing was fighting. I mean, like physically fighting. If you weren't, you know, you were, if you weren't going to fight each other physically, you're friends. You had a argument. You had it. Arguing was fighting. Arguing was like physically fighting.

Right. If you weren't, you know, if you weren't gonna fight each other physically, you would argue. You would argue. Right. And you learned how to, but you also learned how to, this was one of the great thing I say about Patrice is that when he was wrong, he would fucking take the hit.

Yeah. You know, and I say this about young comics now. Yeah. You'll fucking starvation, you're a roommate. We're on tour together. It's like, dude dude take a fucking hit Right, you can't just give hits and then when you take one go. Well, that's not true Right about that. It's like yeah, you know, I was I kept telling them you know

You got to learn taking a hit is the funnier and better than giving a hit. Yes, you know like it was it It's actually what you said about Patrice. It's so true. It's what made him invincible Yes, he would just pound he would pound everyone and then when then when you hit him back, he would just be like, ah, you're right, Bobby. That's good. Right. And it made the dialogue fun and safe and cool. And you felt like you could go further with it.

These people, well, as soon as you say something, it's like go fuck yourself. Yeah, because they don't. And here's the problem. These guys at Richard Spencer, million obelisk, their guarantee stavros here is this and goes, well, that's not true. Their logic is pretty.

You want to get the fucking joke in this. Their logic is very permeable. You can debate any of these people. You can make them sound like idiots many of them. If you know what the permeable is. Well, whatever, they're not invincible. They're easily, you know, one millionapolis, that's something ridiculous.

Like ugly people use birth control. I mean, these are all things that you could just kind of be like, well, you know this isn't true, but it's the lack of ability to have an argument that makes you lose. Now you lose, and now you've lost to Richard Spencer, and say we should have a white America when it's a ridiculous point.

And because right now you're f- Why is that ridiculous? It's a ridiculous point. Because I've been to white Americans called Boston. You have the idiot. You have gross food. Fuck, I got you. Big beans. Big beans is a side dish. He has beans. Motherfucker living in a workhouse. Richest poster. Thanks for the beans. Dave, shut up. Don't not look at me when you fucking win me, Coxaka. I'll look right in your eyes.

Don't give it to Dave when you're given to me you fat fucking but you don't I listen first of all you have anybody should live in Boston with your face okay you can in the head and second bottle why I was there why was there you kept calling me going I love this I love I like buzzing so shut you fucking oh here it goes here it is speaking of the Jews is! Speaking of the Jews. Who was speaking of the Jews? Nobody, I just, when you walk in, I think of Jewish people. Here we go.

How are you guys? Oh wait, is there music about Jews? Yeah! Well, just produces. I'm sure it was exactly to produce quite a lot. Yeah, first of all, Jesus Christ. You look great. world for what? What in fucking Germany

1945 dude, how much weight did you lose? I love and fat people assume you're unhealthy because you're in regular Body you're a little too thin. I'm in middle of my range. No, you're not take your shirt off I'll never hesitate If I was a fat chick, this would be crossing the line. Take your cock. Probably just any check it be crossing the line. Dude, there's no you're too thin, buddy. What do you mean too thin? I know you for years, man. I'm just under 170. Dude, you're a little too thin. 6.3. 1.6. Yeah. Let me see if fucking let me see it. Well, to wait. You're not the right

side. I'm just you. I way Sorry, I was a little bit of you. I weigh more. This is why I love him. Take your shirt off and he does. You're a... You're a... Oh my god. You know, it's fine.

It's a good shape. Oh, that's a good shape. Wait, wait, wait, that's a salt. That's a salt. And that's Dave's girlfriend. It's good Jesus come on Buddy listen to me this sucks just now I I can't get I was gonna show him balls I'm gonna stick my head since Denmark I couldn't get now It's gonna head again now I can't see his dick and balls look like him though look at it. Hey looks at it. It does I put you come on would you?

I put you. Come on, would you? Oh, dude. Oh, boy. Oh, I see nothing. He's trans. Dude, not trans. He's just transitioned. He's a fucking, looks like my aunt Dottie. Listen, let me tell you that. If you pay for the video feed, you got a show today.

Yeah. If you pay it for the video feed, you got a show today. Listen, you're going to have to tell that out. He's going to have to tell all this fucking, talk about it. Is that true? Why? You can't show cock on fucking YouTube. On a private service.

On a private service? No, you're long Island Yenta. This is free. This is free. This is the free part. You get free. All right. Dude, geez.

Now I get it. Now every time I look at his face, I see cock and balls. I didn't see a damn thing. Did you see? Let me tell you how fucking excited she got. I sure did. She was like this. You don't think I got a huge hug over here. I'm fine.

Let's see your dick. It's huge. No, let's do a dick off. I lose. We just show our belly buttons. And mine has a dick growing up. Are you guys dating now? Yeah.

Wow. That's a girl friend. Yeah. Are you guys Dana? Yeah. Wow. That's interesting. You just fucking pushed your dick and balls through the mesh. The mesh of the back of her seat. I definitely can't compete with Ari's balls. Those things are huge. Yeah. That's fucking massive.

They're fucking huge balls. I, anyways, now I'm trying to shake his cock out of my head. He's like, you're talking about the bottles. Back to the shoes. Buddy, you do look a little, I mean, you're usually a little talking about the adults. Back to the shoes. Buddy, you do look, I mean, you're usually a little thin, that's all, a little bit, see? All that is was filled out, because you're always in shape,

you're always walking around without your shirt off. That doesn't mean in shape, that's just what I was saying. But now when I've seen you walking around, that was your thing, you kind of like, fuck it, take your shirt off, which I admire. You look a little thin, were you somewhere where you were in? I had not a lot of processed foods where I was.

Where were you? Southeast Asia for a while. Now what'd you do? Did you mean? Not a lot of processed foods where I was. Where were you? Southeast Asia for a while. Now what'd you do? Do you go by yourself? Yeah, I'm one for myself. Now, now what made you do this? I just want to know this, you get on a plane where? JFK maybe.

JFK, you don't remember. Look, what are your JFK? Okay, so you get on the plane and you. The Guardian is not in gymnastics. Yeah, definitely JFK. So you fly into where? Qatar Doha Qatar. Are you really? Are you on first class there? No, just fucking coach.

Yeah, coach. First class to Qatar, you're going to meet some oil people. How many? How many? How many? How many? How many? People next to you on the flight? Are you sitting next to anybody? Did you become? I mean's a that's a long flight how many hours? Yeah the flight Because you got to go to Qatar and then from there to to wherever it's gone I don't know probably 13 to 20 so if you sit next to somebody for 13 hours you'll be coming friends

Maybe I might have also been like excited to go. I guess they're gonna sleep for eight nine hours Yeah, I don't remember meeting sleep for eight, nine hours. Yeah, I don't remember meeting anybody in the plane to be honest. Really? Yeah, that's sad. But on the way back for sure. I think I was still anti-social from America

on the way there. Right. On the way back now, it's like, hey, how you doing? Where are you coming from? Where are you going from? So you get off the plane, do you know where you're going? I transfer. No, but when you get to where you're going,

I don't want to. No, I don't want to. So you have no hotel. No, no, you have no idea how to get anywhere. I was going to go on to the next city right then or go into like the main city for a while and like, like get my feet dirty first. So what? So you buy yourself, you get off the plane. Where the fuck do you go?

I stayed in the airport for about an hour and a half deciding if I should get on to the next to Bug on to this other city. Did you research all this? No, it's a one city I heard of in Myanmar was bug on. Where did you hear about it? I like travel channel. Did the Anthony Boydane go there? How did you hear about this?

A buddy told me I have a buddy lived in Myanmar and Yangon for a while. And he was like, oh, this one city. You got it. So cool. These temples. Yeah. So it was the only thing I heard of. So I'm like, maybe I'll go straight there.

But then I was like, nah, let me, let me just go into town and see what this is like. So you went into town? Yeah. And that spent like four or five days there. What did you get at a hotel? Shitty hotel? First name, I got a hotel. I went, I was like, I need a room. I asked somebody, like, where can I get a hotel?

And there's like $250 bucks. I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is going to be a long trip. If I or a short trip, if I keep doing this, my cheaper, like 150 down the street, my cheaper. And they're like, oh, this is like a $30 hotel. I'm like, yeah, I'm talking for. You're kidding.

You were a $30 hotel in Qatar? No, no, I'm like cheaper. And they're like, oh, it was like a $30 hotel. I'm like, yeah, I told him looking for. You're kidding. You were to a $30 hotel in Qatar? No, no, in Yangon and Ren Goon. But then after that, I just went online research hostels and then it was hostels from there on out. Oh, fucking, you were another friend of bedbugs. Really? You got to look for them.

You'll look for bedbugs. Yeah, when you get in there, you go under the sheet, you look, you're like, cool no bedbugs. Yeah, I'll take it. Did you see one with bedbugs? Not one. Really? Yeah, when you get in there you go under the sheet. You look like cool no bed bugs Yeah, I'll take it. Did you see one with bed bugs? Not one really? Yeah, the internet ages changed all that because once you get a better view Everybody hears about it You know that you go online like go to hotels host the world or whatever and it's like I don't go here bed bugs Did you did you go there with no smartphone just that flip phone? No, I had I left my flip phone here

I had a like a Wi-Fi phone so when I was on Wi-Fi, I could get a place. Well, like for Jurassic Park. Yeah. The one that was in the dinosaurs' hands. I kind of like that. The big antenna. Yeah. Well, kind of, what's a Wi-Fi?

I could get like kayak. If I was on a Wi-Fi, I could get like certain things. So a smartphone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like an iPhone type thing. Yeah, the real shitty one now. A shitty one. Yeah, 20 pound one that I got in Scotland a couple years ago.

So now you're, you're in there by yourself the first couple weeks It's cool. Is there a point where you like dude? I'm fucking nervous. This is scary. I'm alone. Yeah right away right away my first day You're scared. Yeah lonely Utterly lonely. It wasn't like you know when you're lonely in your apartment Well, you don't know anymore, but like I do know I. I was telling him I called him on the road this weekend. I was in the San Antonio. I also took a trip. He was in San Antonio.

Since when they, when's the day to Monday, which I've used to do to rough run back in the day we used to have that shit. And I remember those days and I remember come fucking Friday. You like, this is never ending Saturday Like what the fuck Sunday? You like please God. I mean somebody There's nothing when a Wednesday to Sunday run if you don't if you don't the weekend shows aren't even good I got those before it's like there's just the longest one and it's just A good show. Yeah, it's just oh that's why you want Facebook so much. Yeah, yeah, you do yeah, yeah, it's it's

Before social media right so you were just you were just out there. There was no fucking And you weren't fall and you weren't drinking back then I had a pager no I wasn't drinking so you can really be just I was talking to a bar. I was fucking you were fucking I was trying to fuck I was trying to fuck. I would, I would, I would, I would, was he, and did you touch what you're fucking dead? Both, both, man, it doesn't matter. It's all balls, man. It smells like fucking China.

It's a cure for alopecia. But so you're out there the first night, but my question is, is that progressively, it gets better. Get better. And all of a sudden, you're like, I'm alone and you're okay with it. And you're okay with not having social media.

No nothing. So it's almost like you weaned yourself off of this neediness that we all have. Get a reliance on that. The reliance of having people tell you you're okay, laughing at you, liking shit you say on the internet, calling you, feed feed you took yourself out of that feedback. Yeah. And when did that go away? When did you realize, oh my God, I'm fucking fine. Well, I don't know if the depression or like the loneliness was part of like, they talk about this dopamine release that you get when you get like new comments on our likes. Uh-huh.

It's kind of like they compare it to a drug. So I don't know if how much it was mixed with just loneliness and how much it was like, oh, don't mean withdrawal from not getting likes and getting, you know, stuff to check. But within like, let's say, I spent that night and then it's with the next day. And then the day after that, I was already meeting people. You're meeting people. Now you're meeting people at hostiles,

other people that are alone and just social. And then it's just a lot of like, what's it to do? Like, oh, you've been here four days Now you're meeting people at hostels, other people that are alone and just social, and then it's just a lot of like, what's here to do? Like, oh, you've been here four days, you're leaving. What did you do? What are the cool things to do in this town? Some things they're like, there's this nightclub, no, thanks, not for me. Sometimes there's a train ride around Yangana, goes from like the city to like real, real, real country, then back to the city. And I was like, that sounds cool. And some was like, I'm going out today. I'm like, can I come? Yeah, sure. It's like college. It's like college.

Everyone's just for orientation week. Everyone's just looking to make fun. Sure, you can come on the train and here's the notes for English class. Yeah. Yeah. Now, you're out there. Are you meeting, you called?

You can put your stuff back on, please. I feel bad. It feels bad, nothing out with the chest. Yeah, well, I'd rather you put your shirt off. I don't want to see that dick again. It's literally buried in my memory. Speak for yourself. Not the, um, it's a nice packer, right?

It's a, it was a beautiful penis. I mean, it's soft. Don't, I mean, you know, of course, but I'm, I, you imagine, you imagine, you don't, I invite you to my home. I clean up first, but you know, I still don't even kind of believe Tim's gay. I don't think I just don't buy it for a second. I think I think it's a play with his management. My manager sat down and he goes, we gotta figure something out. You're too out of figure something. You're

too alpha male and they don't like white guys anymore. Yeah. You have to be gay. Yeah. I'm gonna. I'm gonna do it. I talked to my wife No, I'm gonna come out of that. That's the sitcom that no one wants to watch. Yeah, it's me and you as gay roommates. Oh my God. Let's do it. Let's do it. It'll never get picked up. That couldn't even be on the gay network. Nobody would want it. The straight people would hate it, the gay people would hate it.

I get his pro gay, but it's still a network. I need to get viewers. I got one bare one twig, baby. Yeah, Right. Two rough gay guys living together. Patty's watching games. Yeah. And Regatta pie.

The rule is if you book one ugly person on a sitcom, you must book one hot person. That's the way it works. So, all right, you guys can have your gay show, but we're putting it on the food network. Yeah. I'm not really going to say that you get. Yeah. There's no not gay, he seems. We went to a bathhouse.

I didn't even consider making a gay bathhouse joke Yeah, yeah I'm even just getting the blow job that was I want to do that again. That was a great course you time We had a great time you're acting like if I was someone to a chocolate factor I'd be like no, I don't know back there. Of course you do. Where was the gay bathhouse? Turkish bathhouse Oh the Russian bath. Yeah, yeah, you went you went to you got a guy What do you mean? Did you get you went to, you got a guy? What do you mean? Did you get a guy to do you or a girl?

No, we just sat in a steam room and like saw on us. Yeah, but you can go, you can get a hand job there. No, you can. No, not this one. Not unless you want to get it from an old Turkish guy. The Russian place. Yeah. Yeah, the red door.

Yeah. Yeah, it was red. I don't know. I don't know. Guys, yeah, you picked the girl off the Polaroid photo. No, I know. You were talking about a whole different thing. Oh, all don't know. I don't know. Guys, you picked the girl off the Polaroid photo? No, I know. You were talking about a whole different thing. All right, whatever.

Maybe they don't do it anymore. Back in the day, they have a big room, like brick walls, you sit there, they have buckets of water, you pouring yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. Yeah. And they have a pool, you can go in. Yeah, I'm not a steamer.

I'm not saying that. I thought maybe you were talking about a jerk off place, but that's the same as the talk about. No, fucking the lady jerk me off in there. I think you just had game. You probably just got a hand job and you're going to be three. It was sexy. And then when you're making money, she was like, what?

I mean, that's really the sexist. And something. Yeah, I'll take it, but what's this for? Like I can't even consider. All right, so I want to go back to this. What do you get? press cancer? I got Ribbrews. Yeah, it's probably a fucking tumor sucking in those bed bugs and I Got duck is when I got back dude. I was still worried about getting raw when I got back hang on one second

Let's let's get to the end because this this the one when I heard you left, it, it inspired me to do what? Nothing. Okay. It inspired me. It inspired me to start shutting my phone down. Oh, good. It inspired me to, when I'm with my kid to leave my phone in the bedroom.

Turn it off. I mean, it's like, you know, I, I, I, I, I just, I, I started on weekends when I'm with my kid to leave my phone in the bedroom. Turn it off. I mean, it's like you don't need it. I just, I started on weekends when I'm with my kid, when I'm with my family, to leave my phone somewhere. I am so connected to this shit. First of all, I love technology. I love all the amazing shit you can do. Sure.

I love being on the road by myself, hitting my phone, finding a fucking place. It's a bar place. Oh, it's a bar place, yeah. Best place. He had another button, a ride picks me up. Yeah, it's great. Hit another button, paying for everything

with my phone. There's some amazing things about it, absolutely. But I found myself with my kid. There's this video online where this dudes with his kid had a playground on his phone. And this other dude made a video where he went and took his kid, took the fucking guy's kid right in front of him. The guy looks up from his phone, he's like,

oh shit. And then the kid's gone, he's walking around like, what the fuck? And the guy walks back with his kid like, dude, what are you doing? I have a bit about that in my special. You could easily steal kids with smartphones. You could fucking steal a kid, absolutely.

And I'm sitting there with my kid on my phone, looking at some stupid tweet and how... Well, then you don't even need, think I want. No, I don't want to fucking do it. So I started to put my phone down. And it's actually making me want to do it too much. Because now it's like you get a phone call, dude, they want you to promote, they want you to do this,

they need you, we actually became the promoters for these clubs, by the way. Bother you, bother you, bother you. They used to fucking actually, they brought the crowds. They used to bring the crowds. They used to pay, and we'd do the time. And we'd do the time, they'd fill the crowds, they'd build you up every year, get a mailing list, they would pay money in the paper,

they would pay radio stations to have you go in to promote the stuff, and they'd promote money in the paper, they would pay radio stations to have you go in to promote the stuff and they promoted during the week. Now it's all on you if you have people that will you tweet, you should have Facebook and your podcast. Well, it tells that I think it was when he was on, he was on Rogan and he was talking about like which sucks the most for young comics coming up is that like he was like, oh, before I ever got insomnia, I got 10 years of working on the road. So I would just work on the road, develop my act,

and then I got Insomniac. It goes, now day is like, you can't just like, they're not just gonna, like, you gotta get on the road. You gotta get this show and then go, but I guess the footage show first, and then go and then you can't cover this spread because then he's like, oh, I've heard this guy, let's go see him, I was like, you suck,

I'm like, yeah, he's three years on a comedy. Then the people stop going to comedy club. But, because the last three shows they saw suck. Well, that's true, there's a big problem with that. That's what it folks up the whole industry is if you don't have those good gatekeepers and bookers, then they come see bullshit. But the flip side of that is like for guys like me and Tim, like, you know, we can do like podcasts and shit like that and kind of develop our fan base in a way that you wouldn't have been able to do. I mean, listen, I gotta be honest, in Antonio,

I had 10 to 14 people. So I think we're being a little dramatic for San Antonio. That's not bad. That's a great number. Down to 250. That's great. So let me ask you questions. So when did you decide when did you what was when you were like, okay, let me move on to the next place. Why don't you scare like I finally just made connections again with people I feel comfortable here. Now where did you go after? Yeah, I got off the plane in Thailand,

it's my second country. And it's like, you're on a bus from the plane into the terminal. And you're just like, I don't know anybody again. Who are these people? But then it was like, I've done this before. Kind of like when Louie talks about doing a new special, it's like, I've done this before.

I will make friends. There's a part of it. Let's do it again. I don't, it's funny, I've done this before. I will make friends. There's a part of it. Let's do it again. I don't, it's funny because I don't think we want to feel uncomfortable ever. No, we don't. And, but it's good for you. But it's the healthiest thing ever for you.

In life, if you take away making it, take away money, take away fame, and you just talk about your life in general. So my life, everybody's life, except for his, but he's barely hanging on too. Let's try another country. But if you take this, this is the guy looking to successfully say that $30 hotels in Thailand, it's lurching at 30. That's one night. If you take away all that shit, and you're just you put yourself in these difficult situations.

Yeah. And you get out of them. Then you're better off. You're better. You're better off. Yeah. And they're not the most difficult situations. You're not dropping yourself off in the middle of the Amazon. Well, I tell you, mental health, you're making friends with other travelers. I know, but it is at the moment, It's it's devastating because it's mental. Mental is way worse than physical. I can't go into a bar. Can you guys go into a bar? I mean, maybe your bars, but like, but like, I can't drink. I don't even go to a game. I don't drink. I drink. Can you guys go make a friend somewhere out? Just go and like, you know, get on somebody or I have no, I mean, after a comedy show that I performed on, if people come up to me, that, but that's like not

the same thing. That's the only way. That's why when I go to other play seg, I always go to a cigar bar because I'm forced to go there and there's always somebody sitting next to you, smoke, Hey, what's up? What's going on? That seems like it's be a good social environment. I've always went around a game playing or something with your father. I went fly fishing. People would always be like, dude, what are you doing? I went in Denver and Utah. Fans would be like, you want to go fly fishing and Reno. I'd be like, yeah, I just said, yeah, because if I did

and I was just going to be my hotel room, it's better. So yes. And I had a guy pick me up at five in the morning in a truck, three teeth, drive me out to a fucking Indian reservation. And I had the best day of my life. The guy was the sweetest guy in the morning in a truck, three teeth, drive me out to a fucking Indian reservation. And I had the best day of my life. The guy was the sweetest guy in the world. The whole time we were driving there in the darkness, I thought I was, he was driving,

we'll say murder me. It's like anything else. Loneliness becomes a habit. So if your loneliness can just become, you know, your operating system, unless you got to get out there and meet people, and that's a little harder, but I think it's worth it. Yeah, but the thing that scares me is that we start with

all this other shit we're depending upon, like you said, likes and Facebooks and fans. And also, these are empty hollow relationships. Also things in the business. Yeah, you like, you know, you say, I do shows with people who have shows. Right. I mean, that's a joke, of course. Right. It's not. It's not. It's people. It's your mentality. Yeah. Like you can't just like somebody for them being, you know, just a good person. Most people,

most people, you know, look at, I see it all the time. People do this show because they can't do this show. But once they can do this show, they don't give a fuck about doing in the show. Right, right. You gotta say what I'm saying. This is show time. And I see that. And I'm like, all right, but that's a mental thing.

That's a, that's a, like, I thought, I thought your friends, I thought we had a good time. Yeah, I thought you wanted to do this. And you have fun doing it. Yes, I did, but when you want to do it, when there's, but we're not now, people put themselves. And you fuck yourself over when you have fun doing it. Yes, I did, but when you want to do it, when there's, but we're not now people put themselves in. But you fuck yourself over when you have that mentality. Like we all get into it sometime.

You're everyone will fall into it. Yeah, exactly. It's not, it's like, I think Joe list said this to me before I went to do new faces like three years ago. I think it was the best advice. Some of the best advice I've ever had. I hate myself. I'm glad it was.

It was more like something long as there was a lot of apologizing. Nobody was just like, you know, everything I ever get. I hate myself, I'm getting it. It was more like, it was something, long enough. There was a lot of apologizing. Nobody was just like, you know, everything I ever get, I'm always like, okay, this will be the thing that gets me this. So it goes, and just don't even focus on that. It goes, just have fun with it. And just enjoy it like that. It's like,

Everything I've ever gotten was never the thing. Yeah. And you know what I feel bad for is that I was always looking, even like when I was doing the show, Sex, Jackson, Rock and Roll, the show, sex drugs and rock and roll. The first year was great. The second year, I got caught up in so much horse shit. Instead of going, this is the best thing.

I'm on a TV show doing fuck off or fucking bank. It was just like, what the fuck am I doing? And it's hard now because when the show goes away, now you're like, okay, all right, I have comedy, you know, and you have to be great. You have to be like, oh my God, this is great. But you also have your life. And the thing you forget about that comedy show

business is not your life. For a person you want to be. Your life is right, exactly. When you can just drop everything, nobody knows who the fuck you are. Go to another country. That was the best part. No one knew who I was. That was none of that. It was just like, where you are. Go to another country. Oh, it's the best part. No wonder who I was.

That was none of that. It was just like, where you bit. Nobody recognized you. Five or six the whole time. Right? Yeah. With Americans or with a- That one New Zealand guy, but the rest Americans.

No fucking Asian dude walked up to you with fucking your- You're shared on. Fucking- Oh, this is not happening. People took pictures of me. Sign on my donkey. It was only because I was white. And like, what the fuck?

Why? Can I get your picture? What kind of village is it? Are we talking like how is it modernized at all? What do we? Depends where. Yeah. Depends where.

This in villages and towns. So some places you stayed in, it was not at all. It was just, I mean, a couple. Generally, you can, if you wanted to find a lot of this. We talk like the ox pulling the cart of vegetables, like that, that was not at all. It was just, I mean, a couple. Generally, you can, if you wanted to find a while, we talk like the ox pull in the card of vegetables, like that that was occasionally. Wow. So you're eating, you're eating in, it is funny that you say that. We have so much process shit over here. There's nothing process there. Nothing you could, no, you could find it at stores, you can find Oreos and shit like that. But like, you'd have to go to a store and get it. Not like, what are you showing the morning? What

are you eating? I mean, generally, how locusts, how the hostels have breakfast for you? Half of them, those, that's like the key. It's like, oh, if I get a pretty breakfast, it's great. It's that'd be eggs, maybe a piece of toast or an unegg and up a couple things of fruit. The eggs are this big and there's a little head in it. Everything's small.

The chickens are all tiny. The feathers in your neck. Yeah. But that would be something or you get like rice soup and like certain parts of me in my entire land was like, I mean, there's funny too. I trust nothing Western. Really nothing.

I've a couple times I fucked up. And that was it. But yeah, if you're going to do that trip, it's like you might as well live in a lot of time. You know, yeah, I had a couple times I fucked up and that was it. Yeah, if you're gonna do that trip It's like you might as well live in a time. Yeah, I had a burger in Bali and then I had like I never slice it pizza plus how am I gonna like the pizza here's good and I can look at it Like that's fucking mama's a less reheated garbage. What are you talking about coming to New York? I'll show you pizza, right? I'm sure it's good for Cambodia I'll show you pizza. Right. I'm sure it's good for Cambodia, but it's not good for pizza.

A pizza snob in the middle of a village. It's like, what? Yeah. Come to New York. I can't, let's say I can do it on a bag of rake, sir. I can't make it. I don't have fucking disposable income. You fucking heave.

Oh, you call that, you call that pizza. I'll just come come buy New York. Sir, I do not have shoes. I can't do, I can't do a quest. This is actually my life. We told the guy about pizza. He never heard of it before. And we were like, so like pizza sauce on dough.

He's like, what? What? We're like, yeah, you put pizza sauce on cheese. And he's like, there's not much cheese. Why do you think you've been calling it pizza sauce, sir? What? What? What, so what was their food?

What was their main? What was the crazy shit you ate over there? I didn't eat it, but I saw a dog. ¿Qué? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es la comida? ¿Qué es 19 euros. Volotea. Parifa sujetas a disponibilidad, consulta las condiciones en volotea.com. ¡Reee-ly! Oh, yeah. What kind of dog? Little pieces of it. Look really good.

I asked them what it was. Oh, good. But it's like, you know how they have pizza shops where you have like, good slices in the window? Good. They're living on less than a dollar a day. They should eat fucking dog. Oh, there's also a city cat.

And fuck any western cunt who says they shouldn't. There's straight dogs everywhere. Hey, straight dogs everywhere. It's like fishing one set. Yeah. Hey, hey, can you not look at me when you get that serious? You just say I'm saying like I'm saying. It's a version of liberal is Bobby Kelly. You never looking at it.

Yeah, I know. Just so you we ever. Yeah, just so you know, Tubby. I need a dog now. Yeah, but is it probably like that? First of all, Tubby. I need a dog now. Yeah, but is it probably that first of all, I would, I would need a dog and so would I, if with the circumstances were right, and by circumstances were right,

I mean, we were on the road for an hour and a half and didn't see anything else. If it was fresh out of the oven, I would eat it. You guys are the target next McDonald's 10 miles. I got some dog in the back. No, he's just here. I can't see me, me and him putting sticks together on the side of the road. Try to let it go.

He's like, what do you want to do with this collar with all the information for the dog on it? I would never read a dog. I wouldn't do it. No, you couldn't finish a whole dog. I would never. I'm a dog. Absolutely. The promise are so cute when they're puppies in the stray, but then they get older and they just get made. First of all, can I just say something?

You know, when you're out there and you're starving and they, you can't just kill a deer because it's too much meat. It'll go bad. So most guys who are in the woods will kill a squirrel or a rabbit because that's a meal that you can look. A dog is almost perfect size for like a week. Right. Yeah. It's not too much like a deer. I'm out of it. It's not size for like a week. Right, yeah. Yeah, family.

It's not too much, like a deer. I'm out of it. It's not too little, like a rabbit. It's like a perfect amount of meat for like a week. This is survival. The reason that we treat certain animals one way and other animals another way is survival. And just a lot of these things are like, you know,

that accidents of history. Like it's just like, you know, why do you, rabbits, we, rabbits are adorable. Well, yeah, and then rabbits are adorable. Well, I never, I never, I never, I never, I never get, we eat rabbits, nobody cares. When they say like a species is going extinct, and that's supposed to be like a,

they're like, oh, that spotted owl is going out and you're like, isn't like 99% of all species have gone extinct? So many dogs have been, like that's what they do. So many dogs have been bred to please human beings. Pugs have been cross bred to sit on a little pillow and please a human being. So it's like, even though we're not eating them, these are things that would not have

existed in nature. We are making them to please us. They, um, it leads back. It leads back to, it's a great point to you. Relax. All right. Don't tell us when it's a great point. And I like, I don't like you're filibusting either. I'm a stereo-sane. It makes complete sense, but we have domesticated these animals and people have them as pets and there's people that love animals. There's some people that love all animals that don't want any animals eating and I understand that. I don't fucking, I'm not like fuck you,

but I like a nice piece of steak. I like a nice, I love rabbits still. And what I ever get a dog, no, I just wouldn't, but I just, dude, it looks so good. It looks so good. What did it look like? It looks like pieces of like beef, like just like, I asked,

because it was like in this window in Indonesia, I'm just like cooked. Wal-Rung. Cook what? Look, look up W-A-R-U-N-G. And these are the kind of, hey, she's from Jersey, slower. Yeah. These are the kind of stuff.

Talking like those people you're just hanging out with in the hospital. They just have like a dog. All right, dog. That's a comport. Yeah, they just have, yeah, a wrong dog. Type, type, and just pieces of, oh, what was that?

Okay, right there. All right, where you going? It's just pieces of meat, like pieces of beef. No, I know what a real dog looks like. Dog food. I asked, I was like, what is this? It looks so good. Oh, that's right there.

Is that dog to the left? To the left, to the left. Yeah, one of those might be dogs. That's kind of a dog. Honor of dogs. Just put dog. R's kind of dog. I want to have dog. It's really. I just put dog. RW RW. But dog RW Timor Leste. They'll have that dog RW. Yeah, Timor Leste

Timor. T I M T I M U. Oh, R. That's good. Oh, there you go. There you go. That's. Um, it didn't look better than that. Go on to her plate. That doesn't look good, man. Yeah. Make that thing what she's eating.

So they eat it, they eat it at the fucking... You're over rice? Oh, man. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, she's clearly doing it because it's like, Hey, look at me. I'm eating dog. Look at that face.

I mean, the rice looks great. It looked great. I had to ask what it was. And she said, I thought she said duck. Did you have some? Only because it was cold. I did not. I don't want my first dog experience to be fucking leftover in a store window all day, or maybe multiple days.

Leftovers? You're like, am I gonna get a doggy bag of dog? Yeah. But that's how the chicken is in the beef. And the beef is in there. You squeak by on that pun. Yeah. It wasn't what I was hoping for.

I'm gonna be all heard it. It wasn't one of those where I was like, do anybody here that think I'd eat and repeat it? Oh, no, I wasn't gonna be like. Maybe it goes'm like, I'll hurt it. It wasn't one of those where I was like, do anybody here that think I'd eat and repeat it? Oh, no, I wasn't gonna be like. No, maybe you guys didn't hear me. That's the worst. Oh, that's the best. So you're out there by yourself

and it starts to switch up. But so every time you get comfortable, you're going somewhere else. Yeah, but then I start getting more and more and more comfortable in new places. Just being by yourself. I know the deal. I know that better.

I know it better. And it's like, and I may have heard of something to do and I'm like, oh cool. I'll check that out When was this again? When did you leave January 3rd January 3rd? So you you uh and you said you know it touch it with the news nothing occasion that I'd hear about something Now did you who won the suitball three or four days later now did now did you um Meeting girls couple did you hook up? I thought that's what we're talking about. No, I met a lot of girls. You met a lot of girls. Yeah. I hooked up with like a couple of a couple. So you met a lot of girls, but you hooked up. You

you back a couple times. I made tons of girls. That's some super interesting cool travelers from all over the world. Right. Yeah. And you hooked up with a couple of them. And how was that? I mean, did they leave the next day? Or did they want to hang out all the time? One, it was in Bali for like five straight days. Five straight days. But dude, I went a month, I fuck, that's what I do, I fuck. So I went.

Hey. So I went a month without getting laid and I got weird. Why? My thoughts started, I couldn't think about anything else. You just wanted to fuck. I got thirsty. Every time I meet a girl, I'd be like, two, like, we got it.

It's so interesting that you can cut off all this other shit out of your life, but that primal thought of fucking. Yeah, everything about your existence is made for you to want to do that. So the whole thing is to try to keep the species going. Like, and you're supposed to fucking want to do that. I want two periods of a month, and that's right about the one month mark is when I start like, that's why it's like unhealthy to be these priests and stuff because they're just denying like this fundamental instinct and sigh. It's like

no good. I don't know. I think after like a year, I'd stop thinking about it. Yeah, maybe. You think? Maybe. Now, the first girl you with five days, was there a point where you're like, uh, get, I, I'm so sick of this person. I knew that I know it was coming to an end. It's like summer jobs where you can work it because you're like August 20th. You're doing landscaping for a month. Yeah. Was she from there? Oh, was she, where was she from? She was from America. The other first one was from New Zealand. Really? Yeah. And Brunett. Uh, second one was Bruneette. Second one's Brunette.

First one was like, Now, they fucking, is it road pussy? Like, could you bring it down the cellar? I'm be like, hey guys, is this my friend? Yeah. Yeah. She was smoking hot. No, no, but traveling, smoking hot.

What's traveling? That's what I want to know. She was a road nun. Yeah. It's like, when you get to a town, like Kansas City is always my example. It's like, oh, oh. Oh, right.

And then, yeah, you. And then yeah, you compare to like, you ever go back to your high school yearbook and look at the super hot girls and you're like, what the fuck am I talking? What? What was happening? Yeah, it's just a hot at all. By that standard. I thought Lucy Peppy was smoking hot. Yeah. We had one hot girl in my class, best Gordon. She was the only one because everyone was Jews, you know. And I finally, she was adopted. Really was adopted Really she wasn't even Jewish really So you hook up with this chick in like can you fucking on the list? No, it's very hard. So a lot of people do it in in Showers

It's just like they all know the deal. It's not like it's not like a I have been well I went where was I somewhere where it's like I was going on a month Real horny and then some fucking German dude in a bunk bed right across me, just fucking. It was so frustrating, trying to sleep. Right, when he's just given to this girl. Really, were you watching? Well, are you not into that?

I wasn't, no, I mean, I looked up at some point. I would've took my dick out. What a fucking complete pervert. I would've took my dick out and fucking, reach over and grab one tit. I would have took my dick out and fucking reach over and grab one tit. Just fucking just grab the tape. Why are other people on that trip? Are they doing what you're doing, like, trying to get away from stuff? Or they're like, why does somebody find themselves in Myanmar and like

a hostel? Place you want to go. You want to stay with the world. Yeah, but other countries, other countries, they fucking, they go, they just save their money. Right. There's that too. There's that too. When I talk to German people and to their truck, they get the standard. Everybody who works, a 25 days of vacation time here. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Four weeks. Yeah. Standard. 25 days. And if you get sick while you're on the vacation, sick enough to go to the hospital, get a note, you get those days back. It's because it's very weird.

And we got two weeks and we're expected not to take it. Expecting not to take it and we work all day fucking long. Yeah. Do you want to be something or not? Ha ha ha ha. It's diminishing in terms of life. It's only though these other countries weren't as fucking wealthy as America for a long time though.

We really did just work for them. Yeah, well, yeah, well, they're falling behind. Really Germany's falling behind. No, we're not anymore. No, but yeah, but by the way, yeah, but Germany, German's work like mother fuckers there, they work way way harder than like French, the Italians, but all those guys are doing way worse. They don't have a dead or economy way.

We do either. They're not putting, they're not putting 15 TVs on lay away. Yeah. And you know what I mean? They're not mortgaging their homes. Exactly. They're, that's our point. They're doing, they're going on vacation Exactly. They do that's our point. They're doing

They're going on vacation and saving their money to go travel the world to be educated on how other people Me and Dave's point is that if you fucking get an Xbox me and David Around your fucking days. I spoke in pot if you live within your means you can choose to what you value You know, yeah, you if you want the the nice pair of sneakers in an iPhone 8 I'm sorry. You can't have a month of vacation. This is book. I read about long-term travel I always defend wall street right there's no fucking iPhone eight first of all and when it comes out It's gonna be very I you'll have it I know You get it like the day

Waiting line, do you get I don't I don't know way to get a hookup so you don't have to wait in line But get it that day I have a waiting line. He's got a puff. I walk around and I try to make faces. I made on TV in the atmosphere I broke my knee man. See if anybody fucking I Don't don't pop it a do that. He's like I want to get the new iPhone I go just go down there and they'll recognize you and he walked around He's like, nobody's recognized me. I go make faces you made on TV. Because if you go to, man, I was just,

I'm not going to, like, you go to these other countries. And you're right, there is something interesting about not having Wall Street, Silicon Valley, Hollywood. They just really want to live regular normal lives. The egg yolks are orange instead of this light yellow. Yeah, it's a different, my friend Jack, who is, he's like you. It just goes, goes places. And he called me up.

He's like, we rented a boat in Belgium, a riverboat for a week. It's a 10 person riverboat. I'm gonna learn how to drive it when we get there. And you guys, you and Max and your, your wife wanna go. And I was like, absolutely. That sounds so much fun.

I was like, fuck it. So in a few weeks we're going to fly into Belgium and we're jumping on a train. He goes, well, if you don't get the same flight as us, just meet us at the... River. At the ocean. You have to start at the ocean.

So I'm like, how am I gonna get, he goes, you'll get there. And I'm like, okay, you're right. I'm petrified because number one, it's not just me, it's my kid and my wife. We're going to Belgium. I got to find out how to get what train to take to get to the ocean and then meet him wherever the fuck

I got to meet him. And then we're jumping on a boat that he's taking a half hour course for to learn how to navigate up the rivers of Belgium. And we're gonna live on this boat for a week. Three different families. It's gonna be great. It's gonna be insane, but it's like,

as soon as he called, I was like, You did that already? We're doing it in a few weeks. It's amazing. You'll figure out every bus, every train, it'll be an adventure. You'll feel excited because you figured it out. Yeah, that's why, when I went to Guatemala a couple of times,

everybody's like, why would you do that? It's like, why not? I was petrified. I was scared shitless. I lost $450 cash. I think you're gonna say pounds. I'm like, you need to stay in Guatemala. I did get fucking disentery the last night. Who if you lost $450? Because I got, because I read about Guatemala the night before and it was like, they'll steal your, they'll take your underwear. Yeah. They'll'll take your underwear Yeah, they'll always steal your and they'll be careful at the airport because that's where mostly it happens They watch you and they'll try to rob you at the airport and blah blah. So I got all these money belts I brought 450 cash because I didn't know that you know most places would stay and they don't I kept going like this

So what are they got in the menu? He's like dude. This is Guatemala. There's chicken, beans, rice, and steak. That's it. That's it. Stop. This isn't a fucking, this isn't a Applebee's asshole. There's no specials. No, can you hold the this? There's no, right? And amazing food though. Talk about a cow they just killed. Yeah. Is on your plate that night. We're in the middle of a city, you know, having a meal at a 400 year old fucking restaurant. The next thing, nothing. It's nothing, but I was so paranoid, I got a money belt and I put it on, but I was too fat,

so you really can't, I had to keep taking the money belt off to get money out. Oh, huh. Because I couldn't see it. Yeah. And I took all the money out and I left it on top of a toilet. Oh my God. 450 cash.

Why would you take, because I'm a more running toilet. Oh my god. 450 cash. Why would you take, because I'm a moron on the toilet. Oh, but you made some locals day. I was like, I'll do it here. I had to take a shit and then I was like, oh, let me take some of my, I found that and bought a house. That was a house.

Yeah. Yeah. I got a fucking boat. Yeah, it's an amazing adventure. And then if you're like, but I don't know how to get this, it's like, you know, who does know? Everyone else around you.

Everybody. Just ask. Figure it out. You have to just talk to somebody. Which direction is that, who does know everyone else around you. Everybody just ask figure it out. You have to just talk to somebody. Which direction is that you'd say a city and you point to different actions and they point you the right direction? Because you see, but I mean, look, most Americans go on vacation as Florida or fucking New Hampshire, you know, or you go to the mountains in the winter and you go to Florida. And that's fun too. Yeah, it's fun, but it's not an advantage. I think it's, I think it's, I think other people, you should go to other places because to see how other cultures live and think and breathe and other food and all that shit and, and the way people live is important.

Well, it's like what you're saying, but it's technology cuts down on so much of that, like the, the, the, because just like going on the road would be at least a little bit more of an adventure like that. If I didn't constantly have like, I have lift or Uber in my phone and a map on my phone. So you're not even like finding the hotel, finding a thing like it's like- There's something about this, that part of your brain that turns off

when you know that you can just basically pull this thing out of your pocket. And just get a car, we'll come to you wherever I am. You can still be lonely. It's amazing. You could still be lonely in a city with millions of people because you don't have to ask anybody for anything. You don't have to rely or depend on anybody. So what already was what's amazing about

that is like he's using his wits and just, you know, going and talking to people and like that's a whole different way to travel. You know, but it's funny when he comes back. I have a question one because, you know, there is a, I can't do it. Yeah, I can't do what he did because I have a wife and a kid and a mortgage and a fucking blob. Yeah. And he, you know, when you, I want to ask him, but you have to be a, you have to be in a certain situation to be able to do what he did. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. There's no way if you're a good. I think, I mean, number one, first of all, you have a show, a successful show on Comedy Central. Yeah, thanks. Right. Which, oh, you're making a point.

I'll make a point. You have a successful show on Comedy Central, which you make money off of. You make money off of the road. You make money if you're on a position. I just found the special. You have so much money. I weigh more than I need. Right.

You have no family, you have no mortgage. True, true. So you can just does nothing So you can just say fuck it. I don't have to worry about money. I can take three months off and not work Yeah, and I I have it. I'm not worried about it. It's also not very expensive. I met girls Me and Mark You can afford that 30 cent a day trip Dog and a 10-year one year on the road one year Yeah, this can afford that 30 cent a day trip. I'm at this car. I'm a dog in a temple. We're doing a gap year, one year on the road, one year, $12,000.

Yeah, what is that? What do you mean? This girl's in gap year, which we don't have. I don't know why we don't have that, which just means in between college and high school, or in between college and grad school, either one, you just take a year off before you make your new friends and you want to leave. Take a year off, go see the world. That's a great idea just we've spent more money

That's been more money on a steakhouse than a week of traveling will cost him will spend three hundred dollars on a steakhouse So this one is that true. I mean, yes, he's fucking Yammer and right now you actually did it. This one Girl, there are twelve thousand dollars and she will be gone for a year. There's a whole year So twelve thousand dollars a whole year. Yeah, so how much did your trip cost you? Mine. I splurged a bunch. But how much did it cost? Acred. How long would out staying at hotels? Four months. All of it. Four months. Acred. That's two grand a month. That's still somewhat reasonable. I also, I also learned how to scuba dive. I did some splurgy stuff. All right. I could have easily done that on. But if you were staying at hotels, you would have spent a lot of this is time. Here's the biggest currency.

Forget money time. Yeah, but it's not time. It's not time. It's also family. It's all about obligation. Absolutely. Well, obligation. Yeah, because I can't just, I would love if he was like, dude, you want to go, I'd

fucking do that in two seconds. Right. My job as a single guy in my age is to make you jealous. Yeah. It's a major is to make you jealous. Yeah. It's a great, very, very married friend, jealous. It's just, look, I'm not jealous of it. I'm actually inspired by it. Yeah, that's good.

I mean, I love, I do the same thing just on my, what I can do in my boundaries of it. But if you guys, if you and Seguro and Christ are that type, you know, if you look at me and go, oh, if I can play an Xbox all day, kind of sad, then it's like that I'm not doing my job. And I'm not gonna have life. No, you're right. I wasn't jealous. I was actually, I was like, oh, that's fucking great. Cause I remember when to Denmark, you did a bunch of shit.

You know, we had a fucking blast in Denmark. That's where I started the world. In the world. Noma? Yeah, that was great. This asshole, we're in the salt with ants in it. It's amazing. We're in line at the airport. He goes, hey It's amazing. We're in line at the airport.

He goes, Hey, I made a reservation three months ago at Noma. Wow. He goes, I don't know if we're going to get in, but I made the reservation. Wow. What a fucking moment. And then we walked in with the guy from Denmark. And he walked up.

Yeah. Spoked to them. And he was basically saying, look, these are comics during town blah blah. They are on the wait list. And they find in the next day, I just ordered a fucking pie. A huge pizza. It looks so good. And he gets a call. It's him. He's going, look, we're in 20 minutes. No, we got to go right now. We got to go. The guy I looked at the guy,

I just ordered all this food with him and his wife or whatever. And I go, should I? And he goes, he put me in the cap himself. Wow. And I got there. Oh, it's like, you got to go, man. You got to go. It was the spot. It was amazing. What an adventure.

That was. But it was the whole trip was fucking great. We did so much crazy shit. Going with, uh, uh, uh, fucking what's his name? The Viking. Oh, yeah, what's his name? Peter? No.

I forget. The guy Tom who did it, I went with him one day by ourselves and we went out to a castle in the middle. He, me and this guy went to his friend's house who has a castle. Yeah. And she's just a regular blonde chick with gardening boots on. Walking around this castle. That's great.

And I was like, what the fuck? This is so much cooler than like, I went to Scotland. You go to Edinburgh, but it's like you're at the castle with all the tourists. And it's like, what the fuck? This is so much cool. And like, I went to Scotland. You go to Edinburgh, but it's like you're at the castle with all the tourists. And it's like, that's a whole different stage. Like what you guys are describing sounds infinitely more cool. And, and, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, Kristiania went there. That was one of my favorite parts ever. That fucking weed. Oh my god. What was that? What is that? In the middle of Copenhagen? It's a, it's, but they have their own laws. They have their own laws. Yeah, we went there to get weed. You want to get weed. Wait, where is this?

Christian. It's, it's, I just parked up. It's all these anarchists. And they said, we don't want to do your system anymore. And there was abandoned barracks, but they weren't using any more. And they go, move in here. And they said, okay, tell you what, you can do that. You need to make sure these houses aren't going to fall. So you have to build them to some sort of code. And then yeah, do what you want. Like, we want to sell weed. They aren't gonna fall so you have to build them to some sort of code and then yeah Do what you want like we want to sell weed they don't sell they don't allow any hard drugs And I was like where's mushrooms and like that's on the line But it's weed and they go

There's no picture taking in the area where they just any phone down take any pictures and you can't run what happens if you bring no They don't they don't watch it there. I don't know this is not gonna be I'm sure you get beat But there's not like prisoners some kind of like they throw out one where there was some violence recently and it kind of sort of got shut down somebody shot a cop Never good, but generally it's like they keep trying the hells angels or whatever angels keep trying to come in there and take it over The whatever drug trade and put coke in there like we don't want it here and they keep chasing those people out Now let me ask you question. They educate their own children. Do you think that you should, I mean, as comics, we're all chasing the shit. We're all chasing. I mean, you have it though.

You have a show. You have you set your life up perfectly where you have to make this creatively independent. I can do and say whatever I want. Whatever you want. And make whatever I want. Because the money you make, nobody's taking anything, nobody can take anything from you. No. They can take a show away. You still be fine.

I don't care. Were you worried about not doing the podcast for so long? No. I thought of like recording a bunch and then I'm pre-making them get released every week, but then I wasn't organized enough. So no, I wasn't. No, I wasn't at all worried about that. But like the fans come right back. We're like, I think so. I think so. I don't see a big, you know, it's like when you're waiting for Game of Thrones.

Right. You're waiting. Wait, you just compare your podcast to Game of Thrones. Yeah. It was a tragedy. Yeah, I didn't worry about that. Why don't you do one? But you didn't want to take one with you because you didn't want to be connected at all. I didn't what? It would have been interesting if you did podcasts with these people. I did. I recorded a few out there.

On your phone? No, I took a zoom. Really? Yeah. I did a three. Those are going to be fucking great. Yeah, my first one was just out, it's out now about this guy who explores he just found he found caves in Thailand. He found 80 different caves in Thailand discovered his own species of fish and wow. And uh, did he get any like treasure or anything? He

owns a town. What a fucking American question. Did he get treasure? He found 80 caves he discovered a new species of animal. He found does he have a pilot deal? Does he have any type of... You got me. Why? I'm sorry, Leon. Got who defense fucking Wall Street? Go fuck yourself. It's not going to go more natural or beautiful than the acquisition of Well.

Listen, exactly. That's exactly my point, you fucking flip flopper. Listen, tits. What I'm saying is, is that that's wonderful that you found a fucking fish that new species of fish. But a friend of mine does a lot. There's a lot of treasure shit out there. Yeah, man, he I have a friend of mine. The treasure guy. He keeps the treasure. He's on assuming motherfucker you'll ever meet and he, uh, he'll fucking die for treasure.

He'll go and find cannonballs and, uh, and cannons and he'll find, uh, like, axe heads from 2000 years ago. I'm telling you, it's a whole fucking world out there with these guys that you, if you sat next to him on the plane, you'd be like, this guy's a dweeb fucking nerd. Really? Yeah. And since he's like a fucking pirate superhero? It's weird, man, but yes, it's crazy. I want to go out of my mouth, dude.

This guy was fucked in my life. We found fucking knife blades from a thousand years ago. Oh, way. In the park, you're in the regular park, Guatemala City. Guatemala City, the whole city, most of it. Wait, did you forget the name of the city? And you were saying Guatemala City? Or is that the name of the city? It's Guatemala City. Guatemala City, the whole city, most of it, Wait, did you forget the name of the city? And you're saying Guatemala City or is that the name? It's it's Guatemala City.

Okay, cool, cool. Guatemala City is underneath it. Okay, so shit dies, dust, dirt, you know, dirt covers shit. Underneath it where they built the regular city, pyramids, like the ships from Apocalypse, though. Okay, and at this one park, they just dug down and they excavated one of these pyramids and a little village. So as you're walking around,

the side of the park where you can look, and there's pottery from 1,500 years ago. There's a obsidian knives. They would just take like a lava rock, chip it, and that little piece is so sharp they'd make it into a knife. And that's what they cut animals open with. You can just find those in the ground. I found a bunch of them and I put them in my pocket. And then when I was leaving the airport, I got so sick I had a, uh, uh, dysentery. I was throwing up

and shitting at the airport, sweating. And I had a pocket full of obsidian knives. And I was like, they're gonna catch me. I'm gonna go to jail. So I went into the bathroom to throw them out and I threw them in the barrel. Someone had just emptied it so there's no bag. So it just clank and I look and there's two custom officers taking pisses and they just hear clunk and I was like, oh God, I went and just start, thank God I was just shitting like puke shitting out of my asshole. So they were like, let's get the fuck out of here. Do you have, do you think at all that you got sick because you still cursed?

No, I fucking ate the lettuce and they washed it with the water. That is as the one that gets you. Any of the greens is what gets you. You can't, there's no salad. You can eat no salad because you think you think you're all right, I'm going. That's it. Fine. You got me. We should all fucking just go on a stupid re trip. How about that? Him pick it. Let him pick it for each one of us. Tell us what country to go to. No, we let you pick it. Yeah. We do seven days or 10 days. We're not too long. Let's not get. Look, I got

a kid. Okay. I want to see that. That would, that would, okay. Okay. I can pick one a good pretend. We do 10 days. We all fucking go. I'm thinking up state New York, like an hour and a half. See, you're fucking, you're freaking out already. You're already uncomfortable with it. Yeah. I'm leaving that we get going to die without you. We can do that. We have to do it my way. I'll do it as well. Yeah. Well, of course, we're going to do without you. We can do that. We have to do it my way. I'll do it as well. Yeah, well, of course we're going to do it. Which means this. I don't like that.

He's talking to me like he's training me for a prize by a cult. Which means we'll do it my way. Look, man. Which means you could only put a certain amount on your ATM. Yes. And you can't bring anything else. Right. And if you run out of money, you have to figure out a way

to make some money. No. I'll figure out. I'll do that. I'll figure it out. This is the suck dick for money. I have to go. Yeah, it's not fair. Well, yeah, it's a two-piece recipe for money. Number one, because it's not every- I will do that. I will do that. I will do that. I will do that. I will do that. I will do that.

I will do that. I will do that. I will do that. I will do that. I will do that. I will do that. I will do that. I will do that.

I will do that. I will do that. I will do that. I will do that. I will do that. I will do that. I will do that. I will do that.

I will do that. I will do that. I will do that. I will do that. I will do that. I will do that. I will do that. I will do that. Can you imagine the people that go to that brothel like that's gonna be a real interesting group of old Chinese Yeah, they just hear in the town they're like listen There's a bunch of whores, but if you go a little further on the outskirts of town There is a brothel. You'll never forget. It's attacked to the McDonald's Dude I will fucking do it. You should do this. Will you do it? I'll do it. Yeah, of course

How could I not I'll be a fair amount of money but what that does when you don't have money? It gives you stakes And I mean I love, we gotta get to this. Oh, I'm so sorry. And if it's trying to get to rail to something like that, fuck now, what are we going to do? And if you could be like, let's just hire a car, then you don't have the fun. Yeah. I like it. All right, but here's my, here's my thing.

I don't want to go anywhere where I can be bit by a fucking cobra. I'm not sleeping outside with scorpions and fucking double diamond fucking spiders or whatever they have. Yeah, so no bugs. No bugs. No bugs. I sleep outside. Just not in one of those places.

Not in, I don't wanna, I'm not fucking getting bit by shit. I'm not winding up in a hospital with the fucking whole of my arm. Gotta use your head, absolutely. Cause you're, all right. And number two, we can't leave each other behind behind. Yeah, like if Dave gets fucking, you know, VD at a whorehouse, we have to hang and make

sure he's all right. We can't just leave him at a hospital. We did have this truck. We went on a three day truck and this guy had horrible, like, like, like, dysentery kind of thing. Okay. Shitting and stuff. And we were like, all right, well, we're going to the check tomorrow. I was like, try to catch up to us. And a few days later, he did. Okay. I mean, he went to where we were going. Yeah.

He took the bus and not the track, but like, All right, here's a deal. No, we would look out for each other for sure. We gotta look out for each other. I can't, if he gets Dessentary, let me see, yeah, that would affect everybody. Fuck that, I do it alone. You're not coming.

Oh, I'm coming. Bump. I think it's a great idea. I think Ari.E. should plan the whole thing. Like he chooses like the country. Sounds like a fucking show. How much? This would be a great show. Wait a minute. We're trying to have a spiritual experience. I'm kidding. It was part of the fucking. Sorry. You can use it for research for a show. But that's it. You'll need me there. I'm telling you. But I will tell you this. If you can, hang on. Let me just say this. Let's just pitch them. So I've one meeting. Do one me. What if I're fucking him and fucking Jeff Ross I fucking doing this next year? Yeah. Comedy Central. Yeah. Comic comics on the run. Yeah.

I'm listen. Roasting monks all of her me and Mars. It starts with Jeff Ross doing this fucking poem. So he's been doing it for 14 years. It goes on from there. And then the lights perfect. Perfect. Nice second. I can't wait till somebody. Here's a deal though.

If somebody doesn't get sick and we can't move on or if somebody gets like a raster and some sort of trouble, we can't move on. Then here's the cool thing. You're in an already cool place. Yeah, but there is no having to get there. Okay, but here's the thing. We have no heavy drugs because I don't do drugs You know fucking crazy heroin and no no doing stupid shit

You don't bring you don't bring drugs there No, I don't bring drugs overseas right cuz you get killed you get fucking depends on where you got some up the whole world If you don't even know where it is yet, you don't know the laws there I'm saying I assume we're going to a place that's pretty far back where you went. Can we go somewhere with slots? What happens if you get caught with drugs where you went? I mean in Thailand, nothing man. Maybe they find really now you get caught bringing drugs in.

They'll execute you. Okay. So if you get caught with drugs there, they'll kick you out. I thought Thailand was like a big problem. Like if you get caught with drugs, you the golden triangle. That's what I love that restaurant favorite Chinese restaurant in Boston. Gold triangle. Yeah.

Yeah. That fucking crap ring. And the shit is. Yeah. Myanmar, Thailand and Laos where that meets is heavy. I say, and it doesn't have to look at first of all, it doesn't have to be a jungle escape. It doesn't have to be dangerous. It can be somewhere foreign, somewhere foreign and we go with you and we live off the grid.

No phones, no phones, no phones, no my space, no, no face, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, like, dude, I'm telling you, he's like, I'm not going to, you're going to check your computer, you're going to check internet to see what you're missing. You're not going to do it, but you're going to check. So it's going to find you what you should do is, as soon as you leave your phones at home, as soon as you land, you and your wife get two burn-off phones so you can contact each other and then that's all you need. How much is a burn-off phone? 30 bucks, 20 bucks, 10 maybe. Sometimes free, you can get a free one of best buy, but like not.

It's the only, it's the only way to fucking travel It's such a different experience and like anything get your head out of your ass and fucking look around I love it. Keep your eye on the fucking. I say we do it. I say we do it. Let's do it I say we plan for Let's win it gets cool. We can escape the cold. Yes. Yeah, that's the way to do it. Do it over the winter go to LA We'll do it. We'll do it. Yeah. We'll pitch it. Yeah. Yeah.

Come on. Next you see a good. LA no phones. Let's do it. See me and Tim doing a travel channel. Yeah. No phones, destinations, no phones. I did. I brought a tablet. Yeah. But I'm not, you know, you gotta go for at least 10 days because you go anywhere further than like a three or four or five or five or five, you're talking about one day for just flying.

Yeah. Well, look, I said we do it in, and we'll do it next winter. Yeah. Over maybe January, maybe December. December's dead for 30 comedy, right? Ted, we do December, we go away for 10 days, you plan it, we go, we can't find, here's the thing. We can't, I love it.

We can't ask where we can buy the ticket. We know where the destination is, but we don't know what we're doing. What we're getting there. Who's gonna come? Would Lewis do it with J.D.O. Would they do it? There's no way in the world J.D.O.

No, J.D.O. No, J.D.O. No, Lewis would be there, maybe. But I don't, Lewis has a kid doing shirts that might be tough for him, but I mean, like, uh, I mean, he's just, yeah, what's the deal with the kids? You couldn't get away for two weeks from your kid. No, I can't because I live with my wife.

We have a family, but you, but you can't, but you can't, I'm saying, emotionally, you can deal with not seeing him for a, for a little while. I think it's healthy for him to, I, I always say this, I think guilt is healthy. I think that shit is healthy to be away from my family where I feel guilty because when I come back,'m just like fuck and I look Maybe in a way for him for 10 days would be hard on him, but it would be hard on me to do it. I would fucking be devastated Yeah, but I think I think yeah, I know but you probably be able to do something somewhere

You know, I'd be able to I'd have to contact they'd have to have a way to contact me in case he died. Or my wife got hit by a car, I'd have to go home. You would have to cover that ahead of time. Well, I would have, I would have a, your parents let them know. Or is it pure, is it pure, is it, are you saying if somebody gets hit by a car? That's the situation they made.

That's not an answer, my parents didn't know where I was or where I was going. That's fine. What if there's emergency? Yeah, my parents have a car about you in 18 years. What are didn't know where I was or where I was going. That's right. What if there's emergency? I'm like, what do you tell my emergency? You tell me somebody dying. You're talking about me missing the funeral.

No. That's not an emergency. That may miss you, my son's funeral. That'll be hard, but you'll more when you get back. But first of all, you'll more when you get back and you're on work. But that's what I love about Ari, because this is the legit, that's a legit philosophy. He's not completely wrong. I can't believe he lost a kid.

He lost a kid. It's just a funeral, this one. It sounds crazy to a legit philosophy. He's not completely wrong. And he already lost a kid. It's just a funeral this morning. It sounds crazy to a wester, but he's like, he has a very expansive philosophy that involves some of these principles of like, yeah, what's a fucking funeral anyway? It'll take a breath in your senses. Listen, I'm not a gas of the air.

I'm not feeling it. It sounds like you're fucking, you're fucking have food in your throat. I was very worried about my wife. Hey Tony, I nobody asked me about my trip and my realizations. They don't have the bear in my way. I was talking to about it. Tony, nobody asked me about my trip and my realizations. They don't have to bury him. I was talking to him.

Yeah, he went to San Antonio. That was a lie. It's very, I had my phone and it was still horrible. You had a cell, that's interesting. That lie was horrible. You never heard of home, you're gonna make friends. You're gonna have new friends in San Antonio. He had a three pound honey bun.

I had a two, it was a three pound cinnamon bun. San Antonio. Thank you very much. You know what happens at the end of a three pound cinnamon bun? It's very much like spending two months in Myanmar. You start looking at the world differently. You notice things, you make friends with people. Could you imagine bringing that three pound cinnamon

to Marama? How happy that village would be? They'd be like, what the fuck? They would probably be offended. They would be offended by anything we would bring. Probably making like sick. Imagine those people have never had like fucking process sugar and shit. It might be that.

I got real tired when I got home like every day I was like fall asleep and fun of people. Yeah. Yeah, I think I don't know. I think it's you fucking crash on that shit when you got back on Facebook, when you got back on Twitter or whatever. Was it exciting again? I did a week without coming home. So I was a week in America without coming back to New York.

So I got a little bit like, okay, before I got on, whatever again. And when you got back on, was it fun? Was it exciting? Did you like seeing what people had said about you? Instagram? Maybe. I mean, I talked to people.

But Instagram, to me, I look on like my feet. I'm seeing other comics and stuff. It's mostly other comics I follow. Right, it just seems needy. It just seems like I got nothing to say, but let me say something. Instead of like something interesting to post. Like your stand up bit, so it's not just because you don't just get up and I'm like, I should talk about something.

You fucking write a joke and you do it. On Instagram and Twitter, it's just like, man, you you just throwing it out for response a lot not all the time yeah there's like no there's like the kind of thing there's like more of like a craft to it it feels like like it's not just and like you said I've read a few things about what you're saying like dopamine being released when you see there's saying a thing about how you which I do this I'm guilty of it but when you check you know you click on the likes to see who liked it. Yeah, right.

What do you mean? So if you had a status that has a couple hundred likes. Look at me, I know what you mean. Of course I've done that. Oh, sorry. You sold it well. I do it too. I do it too.

But it's a weird thing when you just see this, you see this thing like, oh, okay, some chick who I thought was hot in the ninth grade, just liked my status. And it gives you this weird thing. When I stop liking people, I like people shit, and then I see, this motherfucker never likes anything I do. And I'm like, go fuck yourself.

I stop liking them. Look at that. I mean, that's crazy. That kind of battle over some sort of thing. That's why that black mirror episode was so good because it's like, yeah. I saw that amazing. I, it's so good because it's like we're just heading to this world. We're all rating each other. And the phone is like that's what was amazing about how phony she was in it. And I feel like that's that's to me the most troubling aspect

of all that shit is like that's where we're going as a society like everyone's just so fucking fake. But okay, but it does have its pros because Bed bugs in hostels don't exist that much anymore because there's a rating system Because people can say fuck this place. Oh no, it's so bad if you said if it didn't have tremendous pros It wouldn't be as powerful. I don't think it's like cocaine if cocaine didn't work You would never have crack and homelessness and the domestic violence. There's a good to it, which makes it so virulent and powerful. Yes, we're doing, I mean, literally what we're doing right now is an example of it. You know, I mean, like we're using all this technology. Like you said before, I mean, it's amazing that you can bring, like, you know, bring

an H4N on the road, I'm basically bringing what was a radio station on the fucking road with me to go do a podcast, you know, like you can cut an ad I can have and you were saying having a It's amazing. It's not so shallow. I don't think it's smartphones. I honestly think it's almost all social media Yeah, that's that's that's it. That's an interesting help is a bit of a problem It takes you away from just wandering the streets like in San Francisco I might just wander around China down till I see a busy restaurant like well, this must be good Let's check it out. I remember in the 90s, you used to walk. It's mostly social media.

Well, when I look into a hotel or a restaurant and not know what it looked like before you got there, there was something cool about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Discover it. It's part of your experience. Discover it. There's something that robs you of the experience.

When you've looked at the menu, watch the YouTube of the chef cook, just looked at what, take, you know what I mean? There's something that just, it's, it's hollow. I'm getting what I'm supposed to get. Everyone has to get the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, at what tape. You know what I mean? There's something that just it's how I'm getting what I'm supposed to get. Right. The right. But there's definitely a really beautiful thing to it too, man. Like what I really think is amazing is like how it like like like the older eyes. I'm going to go back and check the tape. Here goes again.

But I just think like the way they kind of almost like they'll like nullify the government in some ways. Like you know that, all those like medallion taxi rules. And then Uber is just like, well, sorry, we just figured out a whole way to do that. Yeah, that's a great way to do that. And I think that's it. So when I was saying about that shit with the Yelp thing,

what you're saying? What I think is amazing about that is you have these things where like, you know, like the government will go around and give you like an ABCD. And nowadays no one even takes this shit seriously, because I'd rather just hear from people who are customers is way more important to me than me. Way, way, way more important. Because you're telling me all of your customers are coming back saying this was awesome. Yeah. Then what, who the fuck cares with some bureaucrat set? You know, he's going to the kitchen and seeing fucking shit crawling and a sauce on the floor

that you see. That'll come up. That'll come up. If there's enough cockroaches, they won't just get in the kitchen. They'll come people yeah, yeah, I look I love technology I use yelp every town I go to the first thing I do I remember going I remember going through phone books Yeah, yeah, I find massage parlors Yeah, I remember and I would I had my own technique. I knew I had a look How late they were open, the name, and I would look for a body shith shower. There was all these things that I had to have to find

to know all this place church you off. Wow. And I was first thing I did, every hotel, grab the yellow pages, flip, flip, flip to M's, and then start looking for that name, you know, wing wongs or whatever the fuck it was, and then call, you know, look for a table shower, look for the hours. If it was open at 11.

That was your shit. 11 o'clock did Jerkin Yacht. I didn't. I did. One sever. Got a rubbed and talk or whatever. It was pretty amazing. I wish I could say that. That was my thing, bro, because I was addicted to before social media and I couldn't have a chick all the time even I had fucking banging five or six chicks I would always go get a rubb and tug it was just a weird thing. It was just like this

I would go now. It's basically easier. I all I do is like I would if I was stuck in Montreal I would like text someone who I thought was a degenerate like Jim Jeffery's okay working I get it. It's like I don't know. I've never got one that's a comment. You can actually it's actually down a list of the street. I got one. You actually pick on a computer. Really? And you pick the photo and then you go in the room and that girl shows up. You have to leave your shoes at the front door though. That's fair. That's how they do. Yeah, because they don't want it to fucking just screw. And you go into a hot tub and they give you what's called a slide. They get naked and they put oil on their body and they slide up and down your body. And then, and then they'll crank out. A slide is a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, I was like, wow. Hot. They were just gorgeous. Not better than 11 year old slide.

But it's, yeah, but like I don't do that shit anymore either. It's funny because now you did a lot of drugs over there though, right? You smoked weed? Barely. Yeah, you don't really need it so much. Everything's so vibrant already. Yeah, that's a really great point to do. I have so much of that shit is just like the excitement.

I love you in that. I'm not because I think so much of that shit is just like the excitement. I love hearing that. And not because I'm a fuck recovering alcohol, and drug addict, and AA, and whatever. I think that people who do, I love that you can just shut it down and go live life without it. And you know that, that is. If it was around all the time, maybe I'd do more, but like, generally, it's like,

you know, when you're high, it takes like a boring movie, it makes it more exciting. It's a good special effects movie with no story. Like, let's get, you know, when you're high, it takes like a boring movie, it makes it more exciting. It's good special effects. Move with no story. Like, let's get high before we see that. But then at some point, everything's so exciting that you're like, this is dampening it.

And that was in that zone. I just hate when people become a thing. And then they have other people around them that are into that thing. And they have head all. Well, then you just now, that's your thing. And those are your people. And that's all your thing. And it's like, I feel like to come out of that and just be something else for a little

while. I think that's a great. So that you can show, like, you don't just do this. You don't live life with just doing this. Yeah. You know what I mean? I probably have five days of pot use there. That's great.

Four months. That's great. Two and how was it? Three and a half. Man, garbage. It's great. Four months. It's great to to and how was it? The weekend. Man garbage. It was garbage. Yeah. I mean, it was like at least the guy in in Cambodia was like, Oh, no, it's it's it's awful for sure, but this is what we got. So that was like, why do you mix it with tobacco? There's no reason for do that here. It's already shitty enough. I cannot. I should shit. Wow. Yeah, brown. Look at this. Like that looks terrible.

Like, no, it's great. I'm like, wait, wow. Yeah, brown, look at this, that looks terrible. Like, no, it's great. Wait, whoa. You have to smoke a fucking bag of it. That's when you know it's third world. Yeah, yeah. You see how brown the weed is. You know, these people live on less than a dollar away. They're classified as extreme poverty by the UN.

I was like, uh-huh, yeah, I'm with you. And they go, also they have shitty weed. Because the humanity. But your tolerance goes so far down that you're like, this will do. Huh. Fucking hey. Well, all right, we're going on a trip.

Yeah, we're going on a trip. Next, you're gonna pick it. I'll start thinking about it. Who's in, are you in? I'm in, yeah. You in? I'm in. Bobby, come on.

Now, let me in. Because first of all, I'll tell you why. I've got no family in a mortgage. You know what? You know what, if I plan it, I can do it. Yeah, you have to plan it ahead of time. So if I plan, I can't just go next week. Uh, but if I plan it, I can do it.

I did this when I was redundant, according to special, and my show wasn't shooting for, for four or five months. It's great. It's good for you with all your fucking happy horse shit. But I'm just saying, like, I know he's just saying. There's nothing going on. I know you're fucking at the world by the balls. Also, I'm 6'3".

Yeah, and you get a big deck. I mean, nice apartment with the backyard. Fucking sack. Um, no, why can't come? Final stand back with Don. What? I don't give a fuck.

Go fuck men. I don't care. Sorry, Dave. I prefer you don't do that. I actually, I mean, if you could avoid that, I know. I go fuck dude. Don't okay.

There's fireman ever just moved across the street That's I had two firemen just move across the street one bought a house the other one bought a house I come home my kids got a fucking fire had a fire What the fuck it on the I got this from a real man She went to There was a fair that the fireman put on. It's like, all right, cool. That's the worst day of my life.

Where are you going about it, though? Just fucking some dude with a wrench. Fucking big boots. Just a big pair of boots out in front of my door. You can see a footprint in your door. I tell you what, it happens. I tell you what I'm doing. I'm fucking me and you, a travel in the world.

Fuck them all. I'm gonna start doing drugs again, too. Now you're just kind of wishing your wife to eat something serious, but you're just playing everything for nothing. Bobby, he puts out fires, and he starts fires on my heart. Honey, you can't go because we can't have any distractions. You're a distraction.

I'm not a distraction. Am I a distraction here? Yeah, I can barely feel this on the podcast. Not to Tim, but to me. I will tell you, the dynamic that changes when there's a woman there, it is a dynamic change. Yeah, because we're gonna put up on your shield Whatever and Dave's gonna say how ugly you really are Four days in we can't put your makeup on

You have no eyebrows All right Bobby God have fun I don't give a fine you're not making me guilty because you're not running this show while you're gone Yeah, you are you gonna do you can run it You can have Lewis gonna host You don't leave me here with Lewis. Yeah, why not? I have star roast do it. I was roommate do it. You're gonna want to host the show when I leave Now you fucking lost it

Yeah, that was your shot kid. Yeah, why is? Well, it's not Comtown, douchebag. This is YKWD. These are the big leagues. All right, so listen, we're gonna wrap this up. I'm glad to have you back. You know, you've always been one of my favorite people in the world in this business. And I'm not serious, see. I always say, just one of my favorite people, you've always, the way you do things, the

way you run things, the way we've done a lot of stuff together, but I thoroughly enjoy hanging out with you. And I love that you just, you, you, and you do what you wanna do. And it's very inspirational and inspiring. And we should all look at it. I'm glad you spend more time with your kid because of something I did, that's nice. It is, I put my phone off, I've been doing that. And you know, it's you and I think Louie talked about it a little bit

and it's like just shut it the fuck down a little bit because it's just addictive, it's hard. But it'll come in, the message will come in. It will come in and you know what? You don't, whatever you're gonna get, it's gonna come too. Yeah. All you have to do is the work. You don't have to do any of the other stuff

but we feel like if we tweet and we're out there and we do this and we do that and we do that and we do that and we make fun. None of it matters. You can be, I say you can be anywhere and whatever the fuck you're supposed to do will happen. Like when you come back, shit's gonna happen for you. You know, I'm going to Belgium. That's probably when they'll call up, hey, you want to do a special? It's cool. This week, Harry fucking bailed out. We knew we got the theater though. It'll happen. Yeah, whatever. There's no like I'm not getting a special. I'm fucking not famous enough.

I'm not famous. I'm white. I'm not a minority. I did one two a year and a half ago. You got to choose to be gay like Tim. I gotta I'm gonna have to fucking go to a tan and get another. I'm gonna have to get another. I'm gonna have to get an angle. I'm gonna have to get another god. I'm gonna have to fucking go to a tan and gonna have to get an angle. I'm gonna have to get another god I'm gonna have to fucking go to the tanning salon and I have to take it in the rump of dump I'm gonna have to video me fucking bow and Me and my knees at the east I think that's a good one. I don't think I can play the woman on TV right? I did yeah, honestly. I don't think people would believe if you just were like showed like you kissing with a dude I think you were like that's fake no people would think it was a brownie and the other guy's mouth. I think you would have to go hang on one second

That was great. That was so good. You don't get to decide That was so good. Listen, this is the problem with this new generation. They can't take a hit. I thought it was great We didn't fact this put that that on. The bomb in Dana. You were too anxious. Okay. Fuck yourself. I thought it was great. We didn't shut up.

Yeah. So anyways, what do you got going on? What's happening? I'm doing you show this. You're doing my show. Thank God. Yeah. I always get it on its final run I always get the festival will be just though the last year it happens

The first couple years we couldn't bring New Yorkers out. I had to pay out of my pocket Oh no shit. Yeah so long. I get to take the the people who do your show the beginning of the show. Yeah, the the episode He is yeah fucking brilliant. We do that on no budget. It's 250 grand per episode. Brilliant. Everything included. We call in favor from the top level people in Hollywood. And like, let's go make some fun shit in the desert for four days. Man, it is. They're so fucking cool. Yeah. I mean, the beginning of your show on the topic or whatever it is, yeah, is fucking amazing. I mean, just stunning. I mean, I want to see that show.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Your show's great, but I want that to keep going. Whatever that day, he's great. Last year's was the best, because it was all based on topics. So this was all me dying based on the topic. And it was one long storyline.

I don't know how he did it. But just like the food one was fucking great. Oh yeah. When you were just eating, I've been there. I've done that. Oh, the storyline was the year before. Yeah, just the eating until like you're just eating and you're fucking.

I've been. I've been there. I've been there. I've been there. I've been there. I've been there. I've been there. I've been there.

I've been there. I've been there. I've been there. I've been there. I've been there. I've been there. That's it. Um, so you got that coming out, you shooting that next month in June. Uh, yeah, uh, and then May 27th, I have one of those shows here at Bellhouse. If you guys want to go, I may 27th, go to R.E. Shaffir.com. 20 bucks tickets. It's always a good show. I haven't chosen the line up yet, but it'll be great. Right. Great. Perfect. Anything else? Uh, I got a podcast, R.E. Shaffir's kept a tank and a sports podcast called Punch on Sports. And we're going to have to fucking pixelate your clock out. It's gonna cost me money to. We do that for nothing.

Adam. How much? Good. Good. We're good. Yeah. If you want to hear about that story about that guy, several of those caves.

That's my last episode. I do want to hear that shit. Yeah. I wish you told it on here, but go and listen to it in your podcast. Yeah. He did. He finally treasure was just fish. He found sarcophagus is that that were fucking 1500 years old.

Treasure. Treasure, fuck. Oh, now you're interested. That's not what you meant, but I didn't mean to fucking the bloom. I think you did. I think you meant it. I think you meant it. I did.

I was the bloating thing. I was bloating. I had a treasure. I said it right after I go treasure. I found a city of knife. That's treasure. I know. A thousand years old.

That's a treasure to me. You find a, a, a, a, a nickel from 1905, that's a treasure to me. Hey guys, the real treasure is our friendships. Yeah, and we're going away. That treasure sucks. And we're going to find, we're going to find some treasure. Yeah. I hate stupid friendship treasure.

You know what I mean? You mean to me, you're going to be sneaking away the fact that I'm monster ball. Yeah, we're going to have candy bars under our pillows. Yeah. So you guys have a huge Dunkin' Donuts box with you. That's not a good part of this. Bar is just patting us down as we enter every town. It must be checked. We're gonna be eating fucking hot fog.

Tell me what do you got, man? I have a place called the barn which is a really cool place in Edgemont. I'm in the Berkshires, which is really cool. Where is that? What's that with the Berkshires? I don't know. It's like a hotel, but they have like, what's the date of that? It's a Massachusetts. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I might wanna trash the fuck out. Okay.

Yeah. June at timidilacommity.com is all my days. June, I'm going to the club and Pekipsi left it up. They're really cool up there. Great love. And I'm doing, I'm going to Rhode Island. I forget exactly where and then Zaini's in Chicago. So that's cool.

Oh, yeah, so. And also, I have a podcast called Tim Tim Dylan's going hell on the gas digital network And I'm also every now and then on the real-est podcast you're on. Thank you. Yes, absolutely and that what you smiling I'm just like is just funny that way you just yeah, which is funny. What's funny about that because you get a bit You rush I would be Okay, I appreciate it. You've been on it. You've been on it Yeah, why would I be you're behind the pay one now? Yeah, why is he or Bobby Kelly's episode? Subscribe

Subscribe I want you to make money. What do you got Dave? Um, I am I'm filming an hour on June 1st At the Triad Theodore but tickets tickets for that are sold out But I am I'm running it on the 26th and the 27th at the Triad Theodore, but tickets tickets for that are sold out, but I am, I'm running it on the 26th and the 27th at the Creek in the cave. If you want to come out to that, Tim's going to be on one of the shows as well. Yeah, I'm excited. You have him going up before you?

Yeah, I just want to, you know, so now there, I know I can follow and Tim's great. But I think Sodor might be doing the other way around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I, yeah. Wrap that around your phone on your schedule. I'm gonna do. Take that way. That's yours. Anyway, we just can't part of the problem.

That's all. Skankfest this summer. Skankfest, baby. Yeah, that's gonna be a fucking. If you if you could make it out to that, that's gonna be a fucking point. You're doing it right. I'm doing everybody in the room.

I'm doing a Sunday YKWD. You want to be on it? All right, cool. I say we all do it with our dicks out. That is actually one of the shows already on the thing. You're stepping on toes. You too, that's I know you were just joking, but we're really doing that. What is what is the naked rose? No, this won't be naked because some people have body images. We're just gonna have our dicks out of our,

the holes in our jeans. Dicks through P holes out in the podcast. I don't think anyone's ever done that before. We just, we didn't know. Instead of a bomb bandana, you're gonna have to, you're gonna. Wrap it up into dicks. You're gonna have to wrap it up in your pocket.

You're gonna have to wrap it up in your pocket. Yeah. All right, that's great. I'm sorry to do what you name again. Ryan, what? Ryan, give him a microphone. Who is he? All right, that's great. I'm sorry to do what you name again Ryan what Right give him a microphone Who is he? comic he's but my buddy funny guy. Yeah, he lives with stopper. He brought him in

What you name again buddy Ryan shut Ryan shit, are you a comic? Yeah, and you sit like that? Yeah I'm very it is a thing with me when guys sit like that because I. It's comfortable, man. I'm your face Ryan. I'm sorry, but I'm very, it is a thing with me when guys sit like that, because I can't. Cross-legged? Well, it's not even because I'm fat. Even when I was thin, I couldn't do it because my top half leg is very short. You need a nice long top half leg,

and I can't just flip my leg over there like that. And- I'm a phobia. What? And homophobia, I'm just stop searing from doing that. And- I'm a phobia. What? And homophobia. No, I- I actually would love- It's one of my dreams in life

to be able to flip my leg over my other leg. Yeah, you're doing it. I see guys doing it on a plane. Everybody can do it, even fat people can do it. You can't do it. Get there. No, you're not doing it. That's hilarious that you said everybody can do it.

And then to show? Look at that. You're doing one of these hugging his other leg. It's like, yeah, I can touch him. Touch him. Back in the... He's so uncomfortable. He's so unnatural. He...

Look at you, don't look at him. Yeah, you can't do it. No space here. You're doing a figure four. You're doing one of these. Yeah, that's a figure four. That's a fat figure four. He's doing a leg hug.

I don't want to hug a leg with another leg. Yeah, well, there you go. You're not just doing that. I don't want it. I don't want it. That's not a leg hug. I don't want to hug a leg with another one. No, you don't want to do that. I don't want to do it. I don't even know what it is. Typical fucking millennial comic now he just turned. Can't take a hit. I don't need to do it. Maybe you can stop your cis white male privilege

in that chair. How about that buddy? Siss. I know. I want to know. I was like, what is the man? It's a fun one. This is why so many guys like Tim are choosing to be gay

because it's just easier. It's just easier to be able to throw this shit out of people. What's up? Babe, come on. Yeah, seriously. We're in a big shirt. We're in a big shirt. We're in a big shirt after the show.

Well, God forbid I move. Yeah, I don't want you moving. All right, sorry. Sorry, darling. We had a bunch of clips. Can we look at these clips? We'll go through them real quick. All right.

I got all these clips I wanted to look at, but I'm going to show you one at a time, ready? Before we go to my plugs. Tonight I'm at the Fab Black Pussycat. It's sold out, but you can come down and go on the stand by a list of eight o'clock. They might have a lot of... There's always room, you should come down.

Yeah, there's one so you can come down. There might be a couple of things. There's no show over at should come down. Yeah, once you, you can come down. There might be a couple of. There's no show with all three types. Next week we have a money net. I'm doing running my hour that no, I don't have yet, that at the village underground, that is not sold out. That is money and I go to comedycelled.com and my face pops up and click on that scroll on the,

I want to show you this lady This is fucking nuts man. Did you see this? Make it big before a place. Okay, ready look at this party So they're having this big party at this. Oh, yes, all this public pool at this You know probably a townhouse place, right this old lady comes out with their two dogs Does the know everybody? Yeah, trying to get people just to turn the music down. She's like, please just turn the music down.

Please just turn the, look what this kid does. Picks her up. Fuck you. And then do even. Wait, Wait, Wait, Wait, then grabs her by the tip

and with her dogs, it throws her in the fucking pool. Oh my god. Did he hit him in the dropper? He picked her up and then fell. He slept. This is the shits. Why guy did that to a black old man?

Oh my god. If this was a group of avoid people and a one old black lady, this would be a national emergency. This would be a CNN every night But we would be having a conversation Okay, but you know what's happening with here when you people see this video you go the other way Well, let's click on animals. Right wait wait stop stop. Yeah, that's a good one says first of all they get This is the black guy they get to the widest black news guy ever It's funny.

She was responding to noise complaints at the pool and was asking the party. This is the pool for the building. This is the music when it happened. Cell phone video captured the moment when a 16 year old met the James. Oh, yes. Smashes her to the cat. She's like a professional wrestler. He fell.

Oh, he didn't fall. Oh, no, no, no, no. Look at a like a professional rest out. He fell. Oh, he didn't need to. Oh, no, no, no, look at the dog. He's dragging the fucking dog much. He's the kid that just not evolved yet into what you're supposed to be as a human being. Click back. The point is that even

after he slipped and dropped her, he's still throwing on the whole planet. Come off it. Battery. But I mean, I think he was just like, oh, this will be fun on the floor and the pool and then there's then you can't buy the violin by accident. You can't fucking grab it. Old lady with two dogs.

Absolutely not. The dogs, you should be the dogs being dragged into the pool. They go out the lady, like, go with the fucking dogs. Is that dog, that little dog would have a right to the fucking ball. I mean, listen, man, that's like a, that's just you got to you got to go to court you got you know what I mean I can't do that you can't do that what you gotta say what you want to say like that's gotta go to say it what say it you have to be you know you have to be if you're next word is the end word of the perfect no I mean it's you listen you have to be if your next word is the N word of the perfect

No, I mean it's elicit you got to answer for that Right am I wrong on that You got to answer you can't pick up an old lady and drag her around Dude this is this was fucking 50 years ago. You're responsible. It would have been a lot different. You got an answer for that Yeah, I mean that is just That is chrisa. It's ludicrous You got to answer for that. Yeah, I mean, that is just that is just a little Chris. That it been the other way around. Yeah, it would be on CNN every night. If you use talking, I do agree with him on that.

They'll be building Zon fire. It would be a private. It would probably be right to be a huge right. Now, I think what are you saying? She was there's also like some probably alt-right people or people on the other side who was like, say, is that violent black saw or anything? But it's not the same. If this was the

reverse, I'm think this would be a fucking national moment right now. Like, yeah, this would be one of the biggest things that happened this year. If that with the races were reversed. And just on a lighter note, there's a, there's a, this makes me so happy. If there's a video of just the opposite happening now, this is how wrong I am. It got nothing. Go to the spirit airlines. This is what happens when they they would they cancel the flight Wait, is this the cool party again The spirit is for poor people support satellite, right? It is who they beat you This is everybody who should get health care

It is who they beating up is this is everybody who should get health care. Yeah, everybody who should get health care They're rushing they are everyone They're rushing the security health care so they can beat the shit out of me. Come on. Well, it's no first of all Go now cancel it. It's fucking they cancel they were they cancel the flight correct is that it? Yeah No, they can it was delayed delayed I mean we did we're and then mean, dude, where are they fighting? Who are they fighting there? The chother and the cops and security. And I mean, this is what's going down, man.

I don't fucking want, I brought my family down here the last week to the seller from brunch. And then we walked around and I was like, I was so on my fucking toes on my game, looking for any, course shit about to go down. Because this, this is the scary thing when you got a little kid, man.

Like you can't happen. And this can happen anywhere. And you can get in a fight. If you're with your kid, like you can't get in the fight at all. You can fucking hit cops now. You can just fucking start fighting cops. Those are security guards.

Those aren't cops. No, those are, they don't have security cards at airports. That's a federal employee. If it's I don't know if it was, well, this looks like weird bad. No, maybe not. But whatever it is, you know, there's like rules

like whatever with the MTA workers. I know if you assault an MTA worker, it's like you get more time than just a normal person. It's like a cop. So they're probably still like legally protected like a cop. Like dude, if you get in a fist fight with the airport security, I gotta imagine you're, you're on a list forever.

Yeah. China is doing better than us because they just eliminate people that are a problem. Yeah. And that's the reality. If you're a net minus, China's running like a business. So it's like, after a while, if you do things like that, you just, you go, goodbye.

Well, we used to have a lot more of that here too. I mean, like we had institutionalization for a long time. Like that's why there's all these homeless people now, like before we were just be like, oh, you're crazy, you get fucking blown in the loony band. Right. That's that. But the way we're doing it is, is it, does it all explode? And then we make it through the other side? That's what's the question. And do we, are we in a better place

than these other countries that just eliminate people? Are we, do we make it to where we, we have a lot of people that are gaining momentum in this country that are anti society their anti civilization they don't like civilized society and there they have a lot of money and they're well financed and they're and they're putting these uh... they do a lot of things to try to rip the fabric of society apart and they're succeeding yeah actually think Tim's right i mean are we heading for a civil war i don't know well like i mean that's almost like a good perspective. Well, a good perspective to keep is that we did fight a civil war once as a country. So like it has been a lot

worse. Like it did get to a point where we actually Yeah, but we, but it seems like I think what's the hope? Are we going there again? Well, I want to go get a gun. You might want to. You might want to. It's not a terrible idea. And I'll tell you, I think what you hope for is that we just break up as a country, rather than fight a war to keep this up together. Because we're not one country. We're not one country. We're not one. What do you mean, break up?

How does that? How ex it? Which is they say, well, the same way the British Union secession, like the same way the British just seceded from the UK. California would eventually be like, we don't want to be a part of you anymore. We're a good economy on our own. We can have our own money. At what point do you think when people like, aren don't want to be a part of you anymore. We're a good economy on our own. We can have our own money. At what point do you think?

At what point do you think? When people like, aren't they failing as a state? Yeah, California is a big example. They'll try. California is balanced all of their economy on the backs of billionaires and millionaires. Right. And when they, when what'll happen is

when they succeed from America and they have to then take even a larger chunk of those people's money. They'll get the fuck out of there. All of these things, you expect New York and California are pundits schemes built on built on big risk big business and big failure So where do we go? Where do you go if we if this happens if if if New York the coast say fuck you and become and we have a civil war And we break off rather well if you have a civil war fuck if we have a civil war I'll tell you coast if he's coast breaks off. I'm standing. Oh, you're saying where I would want him to move?

I'm a fucking New Yorker, man. I'm not. I'm fucking driving the fuck out. I don't think we're not breaking out. I'm driving up in our lifetime. I'm driving to the fucking world. We're not breaking up. It's a country.

I don't know about that, that's a cool thing. There will be, listen, there will be riots, there will be revolutions, there'll be massive federal, clamp down, we're not breaking up. There's no money, I have no break down. I have no, I have no, I have no, I have no problem. I have no problem. I have no problem because you, Dave, you start talking. You know, you get, you get, you get, I get whipped up on the ship.

It turns into fucking the Kennedy program. I got to settle you there. Um, I, I have no problem living in the fucking woods though. If money, I could just sell fucking whatever I killed and, and I look at those shows. What the guys in the last, you could do that though. You think whatever I killed. And I look at those shows. What guys in Alaska, you could do that though. You think you're, but I look at those guys in Alaska who are just living like you say, just eat. They killed to eat. They live. They have no, they're not worried about, they're worried about what they're doing the next day, not 20 years from now. I would, I have no fucking problem living like that. Do you? I don't, I like it. I like it. I have my tape all have a problem living like that.

Why? We like our things. We like our things, buddy. You're in the same word. You tell me how much you love technology and you love the new phone and then you tell me you're gonna sell fucking pelts. You like the idea of that.

You couldn't do that. No, you couldn't. You wouldn't want to. We're so off. I could do it. Oh boy, here we go. I watched Joe Rogan's Instagram. He couldn't do it either. I mean I mean, you know break my equipment for a joke a fart joke. The fart didn't even come through. I mean

I didn't even come through and you just broke it. Um, could you, you know, you don't have any fucking food in your system? You're weak fucking Southeast Asian fart. I could definitely do it. Yeah. Yeah. If you had to you could do a lot. I have no problem fucking going out in the woods and living in the fucking. I think, uh, I think we are. I think there's a really good chance this happens in our lifetime. I think we're on a path like what the Soviet Union was on where it's just unsustainable and the whole thing is going to break up. But by the way, that was the best thing that ever happened in Russia. So it's like, I don't know, it's not necessarily a bad thing. I don't think, I don't think Alabama and New York should be part of one thing. We're not in any way the same.

They're more different than Alabama than we are to Toronto. Yeah, exactly. Which you find out that the problem with when you break up is that you have all of these shared things, Institute and the military. Yeah, one of them. Yeah, yeah. Disproport. Like I just don't think there's the military. You got one of them. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, uh, it did report like I just don't think there's a reality.

Maybe in a while, but I don't think with there yet. I don't think a couple of you. Let's take a point you break off from New York breaks off. Yeah. I think they'd be like, well, hold on. Why don't we spend way less than 50% of my budget on military? Let's spend like five percent. That all works until Russia says let's fight.

Well, look, look, wait, somebody's like, yeah, well, let's take a little bit. That works until something goes, yeah, let's fucking fight. If you take America, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, I get the points out. I know. Too much time. So I'm saying so they had the same exact problem. They have this huge military. They had all these news. 80 News missing. Yeah. Yeah.

That's the answer. That's where it goes. The answer is not to have. I don't think that's. Listen, it's not in Chuchu. I'm not taking it. I'm not taking it. I'm not taking it.

I'm not taking it. I'm not taking it. I'm not taking it. I'm not taking it. I'm not taking it. I'm not taking it. I'm not taking it. I'm not taking it. I'm not. It'll be bad for long. Yes, it'll be rough. And it was very rough for the Russians.

It's gonna be very bad. I mean, I can't imagine us doing that, but I, it's like, you start to see these people just fucking lawn-ordered doesn't matter. You can just say something and it's fact. You can get a bunch of people to believe whatever the fuck you want it to believe. Yeah.

Just put it on the internet and then there's thousands of people just fucking marching in. You're watching a culture fall apart. Right. Whether it's the left with the social justice warriors, the right with the Trump stuff. If they're marching in another country, like look, they're taking the streets and marching. Democracy is, you know, you don't compare this to here. It's the same thing, but she's like, no, it's us. We're just going on. We're going on. The democracy is I want to say that I will end on this video where this is definitely, it's coming to an end when it's a woman throwing the bull again.

It's no, it's this video. The woman they're having actual, uh, no models, porn stars, shark dive on TV. Jesus. Have you seen this? This is the only thing that gives me faith in the culture This dummy goes in a kid first of all the cage looks like it's from a porn set It's not even a real cage. I mean I could fit through there. No fucking way. This is gonna be gruesome

This short gets this dumb porn star goes stupid thing watch. Oh, there you go She's fucking big fucking thing Just bitter foot Do you look at me? Oh, yeah, look at that Oh As bad as it could have been oh That's a big stretch That's a big scratch. She takes black cock in the ass. That's a big scratch. That's a big scratch. Buddy, that's a cut. Yeah, you might have to. They might have to stop the fight for that one.

That's not healing for months. What dummy would go? What if you looked at the shot cage and you can sit through the fucking what do you see when there's like the baby shark swimming up and you're like, oh my god, that thing is just coming right in here. Like what? it's it's Fock a ridiculous. I would think that was an okay cage. So I point star Hey, we're gonna get you on a cage. You're gonna suck a dick under water. Okay, what sharks wrap us sounds hot I love that you got her nice. What do you think a director said to her after? Practice had to wear after. Oops.

That's all right. Oh, that's the shark's money shot. Yeah. Yeah. And so one of the other guys is going to be fucked up. That fucking bandana's right. I can fuck. All right, guys.

What do I got, babe? May 19th, I'll tell you. Does it make you mad that I called you chick, babe? Listen, Tut, scrap me. What do I got? Cock me. Hey. 19, cause, uh,

What I say about my coffee being full. You, I don't know. Bay. What I said. It is not your cousin. Is your uncle. Listen. Because the minute.

I'm playing plus it. It's the worst photo ever. They got in the fucking. Did you ever see the photo they have? No. Oh, it's the, it's the best in their fucking. I love these guys. They're the fucking best. they have a photo in their first

Well the green room is an office, okay? Which I that's always annoying, but whatever right, but the photo I'm gonna show you this photo. It's in their office and it's totally legit Sorry that photo Jesus. Sorry. Scribbing radio. This is good. I need to pick up milk. I just saw it as a fan thing. So I'll be at the American comedy company in San Diego June 8th of the 10th. Hey, Braden, thank you. Thank you.

I'm going to get to the 10th in San Diego. I can't see you. Keep going, you're better. If you live in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, and you haven't killed yourself yet, go to the buy-in theater. TV comedy festival. What's wrong with you? 23rd.

And then he's moving on in September, Tampa Bay, Florida, Side Supporters Comedy Club, September 28th through the 30th. I fucking love that club. Later on, we're gonna be at Coma, Washington in October, but that's a long, long time from now. And many of you will be dead. I can't find it anyways. All right, so yeah.

And I'm, wait a minute, she didn't put the fucking goddamn, I'm in, nothing, hang on, I'm at Montreal. I'm doing the nasty show this year. Me, Big J, God free, and Jimmy Carr, another one to be added soon. I can't tell you how great then, I love the nasty show up there. Great. I love it I would love to fucking do it you dude. Yeah, I did it with Jay wants to Metzka once So that's this year and I'm gonna be up there doing somebody's gal. I don't know what the fuck thing in the throw me on

But I'm gonna be up there for two weeks, which is great. Again, I'm going to I'm going to Belgium for a week. We're gonna have somebody fill in for me here. Maybe Tim Maybe Harry maybe Dave. I'll do it. Maybe Stavros is what do you know? Come on? I'm gonna have to fucking you know what? I'm the bathroom saying all right. You're gonna go to the bathroom. No, I got your hog out of my head But what if I get there? It's in my head. What if I don't take my dick out of my dick before I pee? I read your dick and balls looks like a face. So it kinda just sticks in my head. Look at acid dick together.

Ah, dude, fuck it. Ah! Dude, you have shit in your asshole. Did you know that? No, that's hemorrhoids. What? Oh yeah, Ari's asshole's a whole thing. My god.

Why do you have hemorrhoids? I don't know. I don't know. There's no God. No, no. I listen, what else? Just become a member of everything. I need to go.

Ugh, I'm a fucking... Wait, Liz says to promote next Monday. Oh, next Monday. Next Monday. Next Monday. Next Monday, Ari, say next Monday. Next Monday. No, no, don't put your dick on the microphone.

We're gonna have to get new mic covers. Do it next Monday. Say it next Monday at the village on the ground. That's Monday the village on the ground. Bobby's running out. Bobby's going to be doing his hour. Look at that. Don't worry about it.

Look at that. I didn't get the fuck out of here. You guys are the best fans ever. Support everybody. Go to our shows. Tell me so I heard them on the YKWD. We'll see you later. You know what, Dad. You've been listening to the YKWD podcast.

Thanks for listening. Now, go back to your shitty jobs. Shitty jobs. Shitty jobs. Shitty jobs. Check out riotcast.com for all the best podcasts on the internet. And they're all free. And they're all free.

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