Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Aztec Pocketbook Opie

Episode Date: February 3, 2013

Robert is joined by Gregg "Opie" Hughes, Kurt Metzger, Sean McCarthy, Luis J Gomez and Kelly Fastuca.  RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hoy es un día de eso de no saber cómo va a acabar el día. Donde nadie pregunta a dónde viene, sino por qué no te viene. Y una ronda es el tiempo que pasa entre no conocernos, y no creer olvidarnos. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos vía. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos encuentra. Maú, la vida es más vida cuando nos encontramos. Encuentra los bares de Madrid la dicción especial de Madrid nos liga. Un dominaje de Mao, a Madrid. in all your devices. Pluto TV, ven a verlo sin pagar nunca.

Hey, it's OP and you're listening to the, you know what, dude, podcast on rightcast.com. That's a good one. That's a good one. That was a good one. That was, that was peppy. That was a good one. Hey, hey, kids, it's OP and you're listening to the, you know what, dude What Dude podcast on ridecast.com

there. BABY! What's up YKWD fans? Make sure you check out Robert Kelly Live this month in New York City. On February 19th, he'll be at New York City Center in Manhattan for a very special benefit show for the late great Patriso Neal, along with Colin Quinn, Jim Norton, David Tell, Bill Burr, Rich Voss, and more. For Riot cast fans on February 26th, Robert will be part of the Riot cast stand-up night at the stand in New York City along with comics from your favorite Riot cast podcast.

Join Robert, Jim Florentine, Rich Voss, Bonnie McFarlane, Louis J. Gomez, Eastside Dave, Kelly Fistuca, and more. For tickets to these shows and all future Robert Kelly dates, go to RobertKellyLive.com. Do it! Okay, check it out. Here's the intro to Aztec Pocketbook. Before I get into that, though,, I wanna thank Gotham Comedy Club and the Mozilla Brothers Access TV.

I did Gotham Comedy Live last Thursday night and it was fucking great. It's on Access TV, formerly HDNet. It's one of my favorite channels and I don't get it because I have time water. I almost dumped time water just to get... oh, I'm gonna shit my pants. I literally... I'm... wow. I thought it was a fart and I leaned over and it's actually poop. So I stopped. Anywho, I did this show Thursday night, I hosted it.

It was fucking great. Live TV, an hour of live comedy. It was fucking, may I use the word exhilarating? You're doing a regular TV, the fact that it's being taped and it's not being aired and it's being produced, the fuck out of it. Almost fucks you up even more. When it's live and you got no B plan

and you just gotta go up and whatever the fuck happens happens, if you bomb or you fuck up a joke, so be it. It almost, you know, it just makes your performance better. At least me, everybody killed it. Vanessa Hollings said was on it. Kevin Flynn, who I know from Boston back in the day. Dean Edwards, Jay Ocarus and fucking nailed it. And of course, I fucking unilated. But the crowd was fucking insane.

There was YKWD fans there, so thanks for showing up for that. O&A fans, you guys came out. It's always great when you have fans at these live tapings, because you guys get the jokes, but it was crazy. So if you guys check it out, HD access TV, A access TV Gotham comedy live, if you live in New York, New Jersey area, get tickets, go, it's fucking great. It's a live comedy uncensored finally fucking comedy

central oh we'll play it after 11 o'clock we're fucking adults the word asshole real oh god if fucking thank god for fucking Gotham comedy club and they're doing this show live do it the fuck Ah, that's what comedy should be. Just let us be funny. Stop fucking intervening to make some shuckles off of a fucking shitty car company. Ooh, look at me getting all fucking whipped up. So I want to thank them. If you get an opportunity, go check that out. So again, go to iTunes, subscribe and review, leave a nice review. If you can leave a bad one if you hate it, don't just fucking leave. You know, if you want to donate to this podcast and monetarily, you can do that by going to riotcast.com, YKWD page and

hit donate. We want to thank all you people that do donate hard fucking cash. Heather Graves, you're a fucking awesome. You're great. You donate every month and it goes, you know, you just, you bought us a blanket, a fucking YKWD blanket to hang in the studio. Heather Graves and Raymond Bar. You guys are great. Thank you for donating it and your whole, your fucking money. All right, we got this competition.

Here's the deal. We have two prize packs with a bunch of shit. Books, signed posters. One of the prize packs has a Yeti microphone brand new in the box for all you fucking little podcasters out there that might wanna do a podcast. And the other one has a flashlight for all you degenerates that fucking,

the sick of fucking your hand a fucking a sink Each pie's pack has a bunch of shit in it, but we this is how you're gonna win you the fan do a video a photo Any song whatever Throw it up on YouTube or email it to us of why you love us It could be individually the show itself, whatever. It doesn't matter. You take a specific show that you liked

and write a song about it. Whatever the fuck you wanna do creatively, you can just sit in front of the camera and go, I love my KWJ. I love my KWJ. And fuck it, you might win. Okay, we're giving away two of these prize packages. We wanna give away to the fans,

but we wanna make sure you're a fucking fan of the show. So make a video, you and your chick, topless. It does, whatever, be creative. Why you love the show? Send it in to ykwd at riotcast.com, send us the link or send us the video, send us the song at ykwd at riotcast.com and we're gonna pick a winner And whoever wins we're gonna throw it on our website. We're gonna throw it on riotcast

We're gonna put it all over the place and we're also gonna send you a nice prize pack the top two people win We already got a few of them. We're gonna we're we're prolonging this this competition if you will because Christmas Christmas came, fucking all the shit happened, Kelly went away, so fuck it, we're starting fresh. YKWD competition, the best fan, the fucking ultimate fan competition. If you love this show, prove it, send us the link, send us the video, send us the song, and you're going gonna get some cool shit And now this podcast is as tech pocketbook Opie from the opini Anthony show came love when he's on the show

He's just so chill and relaxed and funny and you know It's like he doesn't have to fucking run the show. He can just sit back and fight and put all that shit on me But fucking great Kurt Madsker was on it. Sean McCarthy from the comics comic, which is a great comedy website. I love all those guys who do those websites, you know, Dylan, Lasspin and Matt and Alice from Sinekit and Lassbutton. We had Louis J. Gomez and Kelly Fistuka, Fat Kelly and the real-ass dude Gomez and it was fucking great. This this podcast is one of my favorites we've done in the last few months. It's just you get those moments where everybody's relaxed and everybody's chill and

everybody's confident and everybody's on fire and and it's you know you're not pushing it you're not fucking going crazy. It was just really good. So I hope you enjoy this. Sit back, listen to Aztec, pocketbook on YKWD, you know what the podcast you fucking cock, suck ass. Hey gang, this is Colin Quinn. This is Jim Norton. This is Dennis Leary.

This is Opie from a lot of things. This is Bert Kreiser. Staying cooking, you are listening to Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude? You Know What Dude? You Know What Dude? You Know What Dude? Ify bippy bbya ify bippy boo. Dippy dippy dhya, yabba dhyba doo.

Dude! This is Robert Kelly's You, do you know what do? You know what do you do? Yeah, we're rolling right now. We're gonna go six o'clock. You try to make a fucking entrance like you're a vampire. Hello, I'm sorry. I'm late. All right, we're rolling welcome to another episode of you know what dude episode whatever We got a special show tonight special guest Lewis J go man, not you you freaking ape Awesome

We have uh, we have Of course we have Lewis J go mess the in house port o'reakin. Yeah, we have Louis J. Gomez, the in-house Puerto Rican. We have Kurt, the fucking reunion Mads Curve. The fucking union leader. Oh, fucking Christ. Oh, a Ray. He's fantastic. We have Fat Kelly who's gone away to be a fat again.

I know. Somebody slice our ass all quick. I'm wearing a sweater around my jeans because I didn't realize I didn't fit me anymore before I left the house. I'm a piece of shit. Did you use to be fat? Yeah.

How fat, League? Like 40 pounds, have you? That's not a League, fuck you. That's enough. That's enough. So why are you getting fat again? I don't know, I just got to be eating. That's a good one.

Not moving and eating a lot. I was back home. I was back in Australia for a month, so I was getting cooked to meet problem meals. It's an 8-in-dollar pizza every fucking night. Yeah, but everything's dull. That's not it. You were getting chunky before you went back. You were getting fat before you went back. Yeah, wow. And that rhymed.

Well, that's what I do. I mean, yo, yo, anyway. We got Sean from Comicscomic. Hey, Robert. How are you doing, buddy? I'm good, how are you? I can already tell you're going to be fucking very boring on this show.

Right off the fucking the way you said hello to me. Just read his blogs on air instead. Oh, that was fucking vicious. That was an vicious. That was vicious. First of all, I'm a fan of his, and he's a friend of mine. I'm a fan of his, too. I go to his website all the time shot up don't backtrack you put a

Wait are you asking me to read my vlogs to you? Yes, okay, okay, yeah, cuz you can't read them And then of course we have Even even we trump fucking show you with a special guest and then we trumped you at a last-minute fucking Trade we trade it up and we got Opie Trump to you at a last minute fucking trade. We trade it up and we got OP. Well, from the OP and Anthony show on serious XM. Don't overplay it, please. That's true.

I'm tired. He's very tired. This is actually, we don't get up, we have Greg. We have Greg today. We have Greg here. This is like bedtime for me. I know, right? For your comics, you guys are just starting to get up

and start your day. I know, I know. I'm on the opposite side of that. I know, you get, you know what you guys are just starting to get up and start your day. I know, and not the opposite side of that. I know, you will tell me to go to bed at night. Nine? What the fuck? Nine, nine, 30? As long as the kids cooperate.

If someone said to you, Kurt, if someone said, all right, you're gonna move to Florida or move somewhere. We're gonna give you, you already know. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. All right, you can stay in New York, but you're gonna five days a week for five hours a day, and we're gonna pay you what, six, seven figures. We'll give you seven figures. 9,000 figures. You're gonna be a thousand air. Let's just, it's him, not you, Lopie. Okay, a thousand air. It's him, not you, OP. Okay, a thousand air.

You know, I actually account my head on what seven figures is. I don't like it. Would you do it? Would you quit comedy, quit the road, quit what you do and do it? Temporarily, man. No, you're gonna be, for the next 15 years, you're gonna be the guy in New York. You're gonna never worry about money again. You're gonna wake up every day at

fucking four o'clock, 3.34 o'clock, five days a week and do a show. Couldn't I just like do it like for like a year and it like five? I don't want to lose this deal. I don't want to lose this deal. We're talking seven figures. Yeah, you're talking you're talking a lot of money. Yeah, but I don't want to get up like that man. That's the whole point of it. There's nothing to lose love for Santa Pomm. He just doesn't want to get up in the morning. That's a big part of my love of Santa. You do a job, Steph, after a while. That's what Patrice said to me once.

He goes, I worked, he goes, because when I first moved to New York, I still had that, I should be getting up and working. That was the first time I ever, I quit all my jobs, and I was just doing stand-up when I moved to New York. Other than that, when I was in Boston at five jobs, and for the first year, I'd be feel guilty around three o'clock. I'd be like, fuck, dude, I should be doing something.

He's like, dude, I worked seven years to be fucking lazy. Right, yeah. Go back to bed, you piece of shit. And I was like, oh, I get it. Can I ask you what your last job was before you went full-time standup? Um, I had questions the people need to know. I had free time.

I thought that's why I was here. Oh, you're the guy. I'm the guy who asked questions. What was your last job? I've only had one other job in my life. I had four jobs at the same time. All the same time, I quit them all the same week. Wow, what were they?

Waiting tables at an Italian restaurant. I was working with retarded people. I had I was delivering flowers on Sunday and I had I worked at juvenile delinquents at night So that's what I did wow Yeah, it was I could and I quit them all and I haven't had a job since since I moved to New York to be like working with the retards Yeah, he loved working the Italian restaurant. I'll tell you that much. He'd go back honestly, not even for six figures. Are you supposed to be saying retards if you worked with them? Well, you know what? That's like the R word. Now, it's back then. It was fun. There's no good way to say you

have a problem. No, no,'s no nice way to say that. They just, they just did change, it was like the end word. They went from colored to African-American, remember that? And which I didn't know, I was right on the cusp of that in the first African-American. First, no, it went from colored to African-American. It went from colored to black, I thought. Maybe you're right, it went colored black, African-American. First black girl I had been dated.

I got fucked up and I didn't know which one to use. So we're in the car and I go, I've never dated a colored girl before and she went, what? What? Are you old enough to remember using the word color? Are you dating in the non-in-forties?

Irish Catholic family. Black family next door. My grandfather, the color's next door. They got your ball. But were you embossed them with this girl? Because you probably, I mean, she probably yes black and boss and she probably know That works right she was she was cool. She she was best. She got mad She was like what motherfucker, but then she was like let's just start over and I was like I didn't I was just like

I didn't know is it African American a Bronx tell was basal for Bobby's life I'm gonna clean we go I thought there was a night out of the Roxbury I'm gonna clean with you. Wait, I thought there was a night under the Roxbury. Oh, god. Oh, god. Holy, god damn rink of chill. Oh, god damn rink of chill.

Oh, god damn rink of chill. Put that on fire. Sean's not on fire. Oh, god damn rink of chill. He didn't write about it. He didn't write about it. Not doing it. Put that fucking bandana around your shitty microphone.

That's a bomb bandana. Yeah, that's so we know who wrote the last fucking bad one. I want to know how black she was. Tie that on your fucking dick. As black as his bandana. I'm not gonna find that. I'm not gonna find that. She was a black watch was. Tie that on your fucking day. As black as his bandana. I'm like, I'm like, what's she? She was, she was, um, dorkchester. I like, no, she wasn't, she wasn't, she was more African about Boston. Yeah, I like, I

liked it, you know, the Tootsie tribe. Yeah, that's a type of black girl. It's like the inside pose. He lives like really pink. Like, thin, thin, thin, high ass, small little, tight little running ass. Yeah. No titties and fucking a tight afro With one of those long neck you can put some rings on That's your thing. I like that. I like them like the African black girls. Yeah, yeah But nobody I never anybody black be like please it's African American like nobody fucking it I don't know how that that fucking Jesse Jackson is pulled that shit out of his ass, didn't he? I don't know yeah, he announced I don't know. I don't know he fucking announced

This is amazing because everybody we all have to prince and fucking P diddy when they changed their name And he just came out and was like hey everybody it's African American now And all these pussy ass liberals like okay, we don't want trouble. You're the king right? Well, I mean I look I don't give a shit It's like the retards when I work to retarded people they change it to MR mentally retarded and now it okay Yeah to say MR patients I made it all right to retarded to know what initials are Now it's gonna retarded people colored that but that's

Now it's going for a total of you, but colored that but that's it We uh, but the retarded guys met the MR or whatever they I don't even know what they call them now Sean Sean you're one of them Little kid correct. No, I did I did talk you have a fucking down syndrome around head That is a compliment they have big round nice heads. Well, I was working for the hero when that movie died. I don't know, B. This is a brutal room. I feel like I'm back in my fraternity. Have you described this place?

No. It's your goal in places. It's like a fraternity house. Yeah, it's really. It's getting there. There's one one fat chick five dudes that all want to fuck it. I'm looking around for bomb. It's so wrong. No one he wants to fuck me. I, well, no, let's just talk about that later. This is so funny though, you know, it's one of these old houses in New York.

Right. So it's on a slant. So during the show, I keep rolling because of my weight. I keep sliding this way. To the door. You got to pull yourself. I gotta get fucking breaks on this goddamn. So I think the MR, when I worked with them though, they, if they knew what I did to, you gotta stand on my young guy, I just started comedy. I was at top physical shape. I was banging.

I remember handsome Bob before I started. Dude, this was even better than that. This was when I lived in Boston and I had a hair and ringlets I Did go to I remember one time I went outside I had tight tight black jeans on yeah, I mean straight leg fucking tight Mm-hmm a white muscle wife beater a belt one of those Texas belts you look like Carl from aquatines As we tell my shoes were pointy high-heeled Calf skin black and white calf skin with laces, so you had a lace them up. They were ankle high though. They were ankle high boots

That's why we're dating African chicks cuz the way you dress Yeah, will you pin with these? I just it was fuck where you're doing those shoe. I wish I saved those shoes Just dude if you have some like faggity shoes like that Oh come on bro, you can really good you can't say faggity you can say whatever you want Listen to this fucking savage to lose Jay Gomez, right? Yeah, dude. I remember I worked for these the I worked there five days a week I had to be in by 11 so it was good for my comedy. I could do my shows.

I'd run home. I had to be from 11 to 830. And they were in bed. So I just had to be there so they didn't fucking, if they, you know, did you get policy by the way off of that on top of, on top of those gay shoes. And then you tell a girl,

I used to have to work with her. I would bring girls back and not tell my, I said I had weird roommates. And these guys would come out like, nah. And it would, they would, they would literally be like nah and it would they would they would literally be like like what the fuck is going on like and they wouldn't say anything because they didn't want to be rude and I wouldn't tell them they were retards I would just tell them that it's my fucking roommates and they're

weird and and I used to bring girls ice-skillate all the time I had a fucking king-sized water bed I bought off the street for a hundred bucks. Bobby, we all got laid though. I mean, did you get the guys laid? Here's the thing. No. No. I'll tell you what, I learned about retarded people that they don't, they're so, they

don't care about sexuality. Like gay, straight, they don't know what that is. I have a friend that was working with retarded kids and he had to like prime off each other all the time they don't have they my first night there boundaries this is all yeah this is different the one I this is different the wife heard my first night there I heard this bomb bomb bomb bomb it's your normal middle the middle of the night I go into the room this guy is cranking one out to me to you. Yeah, he had his fucking He's well with those shoes on I'm a man

I'm a man you should get the ring Dude I was a little hot. I was a little hot dude. So is he gay and retarded or he do He just sexual they don't have gay. They don't know what gay is they know that he saw a nice hot piece of ass And he's fucking cranking it out to me. Did you let him finish? I panic I think I would let him finish with this. I was, he was looking at you. Do a little dance. He's a totty.

He's got nothing going on. And was, like, was he looking at you? And was he? No, he knew what he was doing. He was on a side. His knees up to his stomach and he was cranking it out. His panties down towards his ankles going, boop, boop, boop, boop, it out. His panties down towards his ankles going,

boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. And then I came in and I went, what the fuck are you doing? He was, he got out, no, no, no, no. And he started telling me to get out. Wow. I'm just glad I wasn't like silenced of the lambs

and he just flipped it in my face as I walked in the pocket. I would throw it right at your ringlets. Like, like, you want to sleep there every night? I had to sleep there. There was my home. They gave me a place. So they gave you a room.

I live there. So on the leap, free, and a hundred dollars a week plus all the food I could have. And what was the worst thing they could do? That's why he was there. That's the cliché. That's where you get Bobby and anything. You have to feel the deal. But what was the worst thing they would do that you had to make sure they didn't do?

Well, that very specifically jerking off on him one night I mean you had a babysit them but what could they possibly one night I was at this girl taunya over Italian broad who I knew since I think second third grade we grew up together turned out she loved Italian broad nice fat titties love taking in the ass yeah no that's the Catholic way dude She's over there. We're in the other room the TV room. I'm fucking just dick deep in this chicks a Talion Shrinkter Yeah, and she's back. She's like fucking my ass my ass Every Talion I was ever with will be fucking with the other single one and I don't like fucking in the ass

But this broad liked it so much that I fuck she looked like they check from saturday fever. What do you you a good girl you a you a big girl. Tony Tony I let you do it. I let you do it to me Tony. Oh the one the one she was in Robocop she was the one that fucking was Murphy's partner that chick. No, that's not her. That's what is that?

I said my favorite the one they all fucking the car. Yeah, and the one guy kills himself. Yeah, what do you you a good girl You a cut you were cut. Well girls in Robocop, dude. No, she's not she's Robocop partner. You're out of your fucking mind No, you're not you're out of your mind. Not the same. We should look at it looks similar looks Let's get a look at up and um, but anyways Kelly was cringing a as far as the S talk goes I don't fish dokas when they don't do that down on that. No.

No, he means no. No, you don't like Ash play because you're asked your anal fizz. It's better now, but I'm so scared for anyone to do anything. Because you might rip your ass a little bit. That's right. Right. So for what?

But what if you didn't? What happened? But then, think about it. If your ass almost won't get that food out faster, you wouldn't be so fat. She's so fat. Wow. Right, so from what you need to What happened? But then, think about if your asshole was one You get that food out faster, you wouldn't be so fat Jesus Wow, wow, wow, wow, man What?

You have to be able to have a really fucking plate Oh my god, it's naming facts, the fact that we name Wow, Lewis is needed We just need it, we need it Do my favorite I'm fucking sad about it though Like, tell me I'm never done before I'm still begging Wait, what's an anal fissure? I don't even know it's a tear inside the anal cavity

How did you get it? I just said just happen sometimes could have been a massively hard I called Dr. Steve Yeah, oh, yeah, Dr. Steve I said I said the Dr. Steve I go who's you know is these guys are dumb He's a friend of mine. He's a doctor. I was like dude. I think I get This I'm home with my ass and as you probably got the same thing as me. It's anal facers. And I got, there are little slices in your ass hole. And what happens is, and I go, no, no, no, no, no, no. I have a hemorrhoid due to,

because, oh, shit, all right. You know what you go get a fucking colonoscopy. I paid for out of pocket. I kept shitin' blood and I'm like, oh I'm dying. Really? Yeah it was like, I had a hemorrhoid in like a polyp and he said maybe even the polyp wasn't even causing it.

I don't call it colonoscopy once too. It's kinda fun, yeah, you know, they give that Michael Jackson milk, you know? I never had one. It's a good fucking buzzer. I've asked for one and they won't give it to me. Well, I want one, I want to sit on that fucking thing I want to surprise the lady when I just go and she goes you all right. Yeah, I'm fine. What's next?

The whole the whole what else you got this is the appetizer How you doing? So anyways, I'm banging this broadening the asshole and it's around it's got to be two in the morning and I Says to all of a sudden here. Boom Boom And I Says to all of a sudden here boom Boom Hey, my name, boom. I'm like what the fuck so I'm still fucking around thinking it's gonna go away boom It's not crying so I go into the bathroom in this fucking dude. I

Think Peter was his name was Peter just shit. It looked like a shit and spun You just like that splatter it was everywhere and I was I was like dude You know me with shit dude, right? I'm not this probably was some of that stuff comes from Probably right, you know it back to those days. Yeah, and I was like clean this I just have my dick in a chick's ass home Like clean this up and he's like help me. I go now fuck you He was like 50 I was like 20 something I god. I'm like, clean this up. And he's like, help me. I go, no, fuck you. He was like 50. I was like 20 something. I go, you're older than me.

I'm not cleaning you shit. I go, get in the shower. I turn the shower and I just made him sit there and like, till it all washed off. And then I made him clean it up and then, eh. You can just give me five minutes and go back and fall as not off and go back. I went back, I remember this.

I went back and I opened the door she had she was holding her asshole open She's like you ready I go honey get you shit get the fuck out No way you just if you saw what I just saw I'm not sticking my dick in any ass holes in the next fucking six months I would have went right back into it man. No, it was dude because your champ. I'm like a doctor I can't believe how much anal sex you have dude. You're just gigantic fucking cock. What's the appeal? Dude his shit look like dinty more beef stew.

It was fucking oily and potato-y. It was plus. You never cleaned up shit in that house? No, do you have a fucking girl? Sean, this is the weird thing too is I, I kind of know everybody. I know OP, I know you, I know how you are sexually. You, do you have a girl?

Not right now, no. Do you, do you, are you a fucking creep sexually? Are you, are you just normal? I'm normal. What is normal? Like do you, yeah, turn that off. You can hear it. There you go, thank you, buddy.

Yeah, let's get, let's get some good volume control for this. Wow, Kelly should have You should have shut that off. I thought you guys were hot. You're an asshole. I said turn it on You go away for a few weeks and you lose your fucking shit amateur hour, you know I can't run fucking everything. Why did you tell me to shut it off? You should know to shut it off That's the point you should be at you should know to shut it off. That's the point you should be at. You should know where the fucking podcast is and you should be able to come back in from your fucking vacation and go,

you know what, shut that off, turn this on, flick this on, put that there. And you done, now you're fucking back to your old ways. I gotta re-try you. Let's start over. Robert, is so dealt with the retirement people? Yes. I tie you up.

By your retirement. Now, this is the way you got to be with those I'm throwing at people. Why, man? I just chipped his hand to IP, I'm going to do this. Wait a minute, I'm going to do this. Oh, Lord, for my mistakes is what I'm saying. She'll look fucking out. She'll look me out.

I thought you were going to stop. I fucked you. You made three of your fucking interns smell my asshole. Holy a wicking, you'm fucking you, our entire, not even a tyrant, it's illegal. Oh, yeah. And you can see that video on my YouTube channel, Opie Radio.

Now, what, Opie Radio? Oh shit, I gotta do a read too, remember that. Yeah. All right, good, you got it, right? It's a good time, yeah. Well, I mean, Sean, honestly, God, I know that we're all, I know Opie's bang, broads had his day. I'm not-

I'm not numbers. Yeah, you put some numbers.i's bang broads had his day. I'm now numbers Yeah, you put some numbers you definitely we all put up numbers. I don't have a lot of numbers But I got a few good ones. Yeah, well you got you just got you got to get into you guys two girls now So I mean I got my girl and then she let me fuck a friend. That's pretty great I'm sorry. What'd you just say? So I got my girlfriend and then she let me bang a friend. That's pretty awesome Are you kidding me? Oh? No, no about it. I don't know about it, no-one-bought. I don't know about this.

Yeah. Dude, you're a king. It's not, wait a minute. I didn't come up, she was like, dude. Did she get the bang on the dudes? Ah, yes, but she has only done a bang to one dude. No comics though, I don't want to hang out with it. Well, I didn't want to tell you.

What the heck, what the heck, what the heck, what the heck. She has a thing like, you know, like a dude, whatever, like I don't want to film. What if she really wanted to bang me? Like if it was like, look, man, I can't get it out of my head, I gotta get it, I gotta do it. If she said that to me, he would kill her. I do, first of all, I'm just trying to imagine

that scenario, like, I for it. No, I'm really, I'm closer eyes and picture. I have to hold your hog in my right hand over my shoulder. Like I'm a statue, like I'm Zeus. And your hog is like a light. You know what, I always I always say new comics, but Bobby is a very caring sensitive guy That you wouldn't like thank you dude cuz my ex before her I banged with Jay. Oh, no, no That was the two girls ago. Jesus. He's big J. This is a while. You mean mittens J Like this one. This one. James a hundred pounds heavier. This was like

Does he take the mittens off when he fucks? What does he leave them on? This like a long time. It's pretty man. He's pre-mittens. It's like two or three x's ago This like before we even got to New York and like this is before the chain wallet This like before we even got to New York and he was like married to share like this is a long time ago Okay, listen show I was back when I was married then you a married what happened I'm a great Jay Factor a lot Why why'd you break up you move to New York? No, this is a lot this was long before that no shit

Yeah, this is back when I was a newspaper reporter out of Seattle. You were in Seattle and then you moved to Boston I moved to Phoenix you moved to Phoenix then to Boston. I met you in Phoenix when you were at the 10 p.m. Prove one time No shit like in like oh for I hate that I hate was I okay was I nice? Yeah, you were still wearing the like the can go hats and stuff Okay, okay, is it shredded Bobby? Oh, which Bobby were at the transitional Bobby? I was in the middle But I've never seen hot Bobby. We hear these stories about how hot Bobby is exists I've only known to be a fat fuck the entire time I've seen hot Bobby When I first met Bobby he was fucking you know you was shredded. You've seen two hot Bobby

You saw hot Bobby and I saw a hot Bobby and then I was there for his first fat Yeah, you were there to about seven or eight now. And then you, how many fats you up to? This is my six fats. Six. But you're gonna go seven, right? I'm gonna go eight fats. Eight fats.

Yeah, but I'm gonna go, I'm gonna, but it's gonna be a long time to my eight fat. Right. When I met Lewis, he was, that was like real fat Lewis. My first met him, like he was, he started out as a Bobby. Yeah. And that's, and I got ripped and now I'm fat again. I'm on my second fat.

Dude, I love Lewis's pants because Lewis is like the Hulk with his legs. Yeah, and that's, and I got ripped and now I'm fat again. I'm almost second fat. Dude, I love this pants, because Lewis is like the Hulk with his legs, like, you see how his pants stretch, and like just the way that. Lewis is yelling, go ahead. And Lewis gets cut, and then it just like, it takes a month. Like I've been fattening for like a year and a half

and not working out. Lewis is just done in like a month. I'm the same way. Yeah, that's insane. That's insane. Yeah, he was shredded. I'm the same way though, I can lose, I can. Yeah, he was shredded. I'm the same way though. I can lose, I can lose this weight.

If I had to, I could lose 30 pounds in a month. Sweet of God. He didn't even before this fat. He's been saved for years. No, I've done it. He did it a couple of years ago. Two years ago, I did it. Remember when I got down to two bills.

You were getting there. I was 280 and I got shredded. I got fucking photos. I ate it. Well, when I made Jay and fucking like Philly, he was like fatter and he had like overalls and a uh, jays. Oh, overalls.

It was like, I got that cheat. The girl before. There's nothing worse than a fat guy in overalls because from his tits to like his dick, there's like just space, the air. You know what I mean? It's like a fucking like a saggy water balloon. And this air between his fucking,

the top of his belly button to the tip of the dick. It's just like nothing there. But when I met him, he was bait. Like that's why we were doing a radio, some shitty radio show and like the girl from that is when we double teams and he was like, him and his buddy had like hockey jerseys on. Really?

He kept them on. Oh, the fact I move where you leave your shirt on because you have to get it. And it works socks. Like you're swimming. Yeah. What did you say Sean? I know.

It's a Kevin Smith move. A hockey shirt. All right, yeah. Yeah, he's a fatty. He goes up and down to a wall. A hockey shirt in George's. I think you're great, dude. So how long were you married, Sean?

I was married for two years, thank you for asking me. Help me out, bud. I don't like that Opie has to use his fucking, his expertise to help. You're a piece of shit on my shelf. Wait, why did you ask me on this show, bud? I wanted you on the show, because you wanted to be on it. Nah, he loves you.

No, you asked me. Why did the marriage break up on the show? Why did the marriage break up? She was a model and I was a newspaper reporter and those two things don't. Now he loves you. Now you asked me. Why did the marriage break up on the show? Why did the marriage break up? She was a model and I was a newspaper reporter and those two things don't. She was a model. What the fuck are you writing? You're writing.

She's a newspaper model. That's not why. She was a model and you're you. Yeah, that's it. Oh. That's great. Hang on a minute. Hang on one second.

I don't want this to. Sean, let's just put this out. DeLuas, Sean can't defend himself. He can. He's a square. He's a reporter. He's on the other end and we're attacking him. So be nice put this out. They Lewis, Sean can't defend himself. He can. He's a square. He's a reporter. He's on the other end, and we're attacking him. So be nice to this man.

I'm being nice. I like Sean. Me and Sean, the guy called bums for me. This is the fucking thing. This is why you're fucking dumb Puerto Rican. I expect 10 minutes, setting up a fucking fat head joke, and you step on the angry mess. Oh, sorry, this.

And you went to the guy code for me. In the middle of that question. I wasn't at the show that I didn't credit you. Oh, yeah, they're really they wrote Lewis Gomez. They didn't put the J and didn't credit you for what? They didn't give me my fuck. They didn't write the J in my name. Were you on it?

Yeah, I was on it. Oh, why do they get a what's the Lewis Gomez? Lewis juice layer Gomez. Everyone knows that. Oh, God. What was your line? Why is he angry? If you want a bank of chips, why is he angry though?

He's put a regan. His father was stabbed, his mother was fucking killed. Dude, I was shot. You don't have a copy of Picture Show OP of your dad who looks like EVVC. I'll pull it up, it's on my face, but. So shot before 8. Oh yeah, absolutely.

So you were married to a model. And she dumps you. Yes. And she's a model. What kind of stop? There's a lot of models. I got blown by a fat model. Okay. That was a model. You're just dumb and she told you she's a model. What kind of stop? There's a lot of models. I got blown by a fat model, okay? That was a model. You're just dumb and she told you she was a model. We she if she's your model

She was a model. I saw her in magazines. I saw her in Fat Girl magazines Honest to God. She had the prettiest face ever and in a fat sundress looked hot as shit I'm okay, but she was fat. I mean like your inner thighs will like that leather they rub together. Oh just brown kind of model Sean magazines catalogs This is what magazines what kind of magazines mostly overseas stuff She would go to court Greece and she was she was she from overseas. No, she was from Washington Wash she smoke a hot. Yeah, she did she did straight out of high school. What's your name Kelly bring her up? Yeah, maybe you don't want to say a name on here. Why I don't know I'm not it's a long time ago now. Okay. What's it name?

I'm a camera T.A.M. Okay, and did you when you break up with her? 2001 he didn't break up with her. Yeah, she left me Trying to help him out I don't want to just assume that she maybe, he didn't like dumb, good looking girls. So she left. I thought I did it at the time.

So she left you. Yes. And you haven't had a girl, have you had girls since? Yeah, but not a girlfriend girlfriend. Really? That's a long time without a girl, bro. It is. Is it because you just dedicated to this comics comic

and getting you shit off the ground or is it just because of your personality and you become, no, hear me out before he get fucking nuts on this. Because did you become, I know after I had a girlfriend, Kristen, my first chick and my I found that she was fucking somebody else, I said fuck chicks and for the next 15 years I was like,

this is from your book, this is the story from your book, is that what this is? Yes, I went bang chicks, fuck them, I just wanna bang chicks, I don't wanna relationships, I'm wondering if that's what happened to you. I was broken, broken. You broke it for a while. Yeah.

Is that her? Yeah. Holy shit. Let's say, I got a, Kelly, turn it back. Turn it back. Okay, shut it around. You broken Should around shut up Kelly and just do what we tell you oh Come on, Bob. I'm sorry Kelly just hurry up. I'm just kidding. All right shut the fuck up Wow, she looks she I mean No, she's not well come on, we're talking about me though. I mean, for you, we're talking about for me.

For you, it's a supermodel. Yeah, come on now. Yeah, but did you get like, I'm a square. She's from a panic bomb now. Oh, shit, good looking. You're the roundest square I've ever seen. But did you get like fucking dirty look, Sean, because his girl was cute.

Like, let me think, should I get one? This is why I never thought I was ugly, honestly. Like, never my home like I just say something. Yeah, they used to try to help her like stop her and you ma'am do you need help? This guy have a gun. I had to say I was just fucking a straight guy. It's standing me you are going for I mean like 20 minute Who's like a fan of me going for like 20 minutes how ugly I was to be with my girl? Really? Yeah, it's like people aren't happy for you With that they're like mad at the universe like they got fucked over Cuz you're paying some hot chick, dude

Every once in a while there'd be a guy who'd like make make a sales pitch to her like in front of you Yeah, really so much better than you guys that to me like like say something how great my girl is to me I start downing her to the guy. I'm like, which is kind of fat, right? Like she's not that good like I'll just bash her right down to the guy What did you wait stuff for if I had known that 13 years ago? I would have been yeah, but he's not you Kurt you're a you're a fucking nox somebody out with those big fat hands I think I don't think I can find you. I gotta do it. I got to do did you did you? How did you how did you deal with that? I mean did you did you push out or did you fucking say go fuck yourself and willing to throw down?

When a guy would say that right in front of your face. Oh, I just played off really like how? Just my same was putting your head down and not doing anything What do you say say it again Sean? He showed you as a tough guy. I just I played it up. He said she's with me Wow, all right one second Kelly is your girl. Yeah, you're you Kirk you're the guy coming up to get you. I'm sorry ready and action So do you want to go to the movies later? What should we do? Hey, how you doing? Hey, how are you? Wow? So uh, yeah, who is guy? You're a comic. I think of senior on TV. Oh, yeah, I was on TV Yeah, who is guy you a comic I think of senior on TV. Oh, yeah, I was on TV

My hand over showing space here I hope it's so realistic. What would you do? I hope I'll at least stop overacting Well, first off, I wanted to marry to broad like this Fucking yapper What is this this is not the role-playing that happened. He wasn't defending me at all. He just let it all happen. Now Kelly's horrible voice comes back. Hey! Oh yeah!

He wasn't defending me. Wait, there was nothing to defend. You were going for this guy. Listen, I am not even a pro. Sean Sambi is such a pussy. Punch curtain is fucking head. He's just Lewis. Relax, you poor rickshaw. So, I hope your boyfriend tells you beautiful. Here I'll be there. I'm gonna use fucking ass.

Bruno Mars. You don't even have guys, it's only some fucking recon too. Like I hope your man tells you beautiful. I don't mind that. When a dude will come up and be like, oh yeah, I mean your girl's really hot. I'm like, oh I do good. But don't fucking start to try to talk to my girl

in front of me. You crazy? That's sweet. Did I happen? I was at a Halloween the first to get you fucking finger I don't like your aggressive. I'm not your dog Stop pointing at me and talking loudly first Halloween. I was with my girl We walked into the fat black pussy cat and fucking Puerto Rican guy comes right up to her and he fucking starts yapping

I was like oh, she's with me and then he just like ignored me and he kept on talking to her and I grabbed him by the face And I slammed his head of the board and I said I fucking said don't talk to my girl and that's the way you deal with it That's my boy. Yeah, but guy ignores you and doesn't feel I don't know how you cannot what did he say after that? Do that his friends like y'all bro. He's drunk. He's drunk. Yeah, he's drunk guy. That doesn't count. Yeah, that's bullshit See I thought you were fucking I thought you were a roadhouse Sean's not a fighter though. No, I'm not a fighter. I would I would just start No shit Is that a fucking oh be said it you literally thought you serious

We know you're not tricking anyone. God doesn't give fighters dimples I would I would have just kissed my girl in front of him Where yeah, but there's a you could do a low on the hand. That's like if the god doesn't see me I could move you would you have pepe leputer or down the arm? My wife well, I'm just joking you know, it should done Bobby fucking left Yeah, well speaking of flowers, you know Valentine's days coming up fellas Valancy what do you get you grow for Valentine's day? No, we don't do none of that shit, man Yeah, well you should why because of friends and people around are gonna ask her what did he get you?

And she's gonna go nothing again like you're letting them fuck your friends listen I'll get your girls in plower. Listen, this is what you do. Hey man, listen to me. Back off you do this. Man. If I had some, you're gonna stay away from her. All right, shut up and let me do this read.

Okay. We're not supposed to let him know it's a read. I know, but I can't help it. You guys just keep yapping over it. Trying to get to it. Kelly's, what are you fucking auditioning for something? I'm gonna shut the fuck up. I know.

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Good job, Bonnie. Anyway, so Valentine's Day is coming up. I don't do it. You know, when I got my wife, the Valentine's Day once, I got a tampons and razors. Probably like that gift. She's probably got tampons.

It's a million. Yeah, you know, she doesn't now, because the baby, she's so excited, because she hasn't had a period in months. They like it. They like it. What's that? They like it.

I can do that anyways, it's my wife, you fucking idiot. That's how I got the baby in the first place. You really are just dumb as fuck. You were trying for the baby, I'm sorry. Just cause all you put a rickance is bust inside girls, I like fucking it. We were trying I think you just like pour water on your back and we're Puerto Rican shootout

Yeah, you know you better be kidding you can get your you can get a double pregnant with your juice Now they can be a baby right behind that Motile Little babushka dolls, do we tell wait till a cervix starts opening up a little bit. Then when you come on, it goes all over your baby's head. What do you mean? The cervix fucking starts to open, dude. What are you talking about? That's how it works. What in the delivery room, adults?

No, no, no, no, dude, she said, Whoa, it dilates before she, you for weeks before. Oh, shit, not really, no. Yeah, it does. Maybe a little bit. Three centimeters dilated. What do you mean? You can look inside?

No. You can't look what like a staff inspection I'm a fucking doctor bro I know what I'm talking about shut up like a staff infection you can look inside what opens up the cervix starts to fucking you mean the vagina no the cervix inside what's that I don't know what a cervix is the opening to the uh... the uterus exactly wow I love the exactly. Wow. I love the e-bop. I love the e-bop. I love the e-bop. I love the e-bop. I love the e-bop.

I love the e-bop. He's the perfect, that thing, you know, either. He had to put his e-bop. No, not in everyone. Like, like, some women, it's our, so my girl was a centimeter dilated a week before we were in the hospital. Her friend who just had a baby was three centimeters dilated

for three weeks before she went to the hospital. All right, so then in that case, it's possible. Wait, exactly. The pee pee or the poop, so listen. Listen to me, listen to me. So inside, I love that you were about to call me stupid for not knowing where the cervix was,

but you didn't know as the opening of the fucking uterus. I forgot the name of the fucking uterus. You like, duh, duh, duh, don't, don't, don't, uterus, oh that's it. You have fucked with both stupid, so fuck you. And you had done with the meme because you already had one. Are you ready for this? I don't know.

Are you gonna be there? In the delivery room. Are you gonna be there in the delivery room? I'm gonna be in the delivery room. I'm not watching it and she's agree with me. I'm not helping. I'm not holding a leg. But you think that's weird? That he's like, watch the head come out of the... That's gonna watch it.

That's a pussy move, man. Yeah, okay. Okay, she might poop a little too, so you can be amazed at what a female could do in that delivery room. Yeah, I'm gonna be amazed. You're gonna feel amazed at what a what a what a female could do in that delivery room. Yeah, I'm gonna be a man You're gonna feel like a pussy. Yeah, when you see what she's going through and then you don't Take a look to help out. Are you gonna be I'm gonna be right by your head. Are you know what you're gonna say to yourself? Then you're gonna pass out. Okay, because you're gonna still see I'm not gonna see anything

You know how the baby comes out right? Yeah No, I mean comes out of the asshole. No, what it looks like. Yeah, blue. Very blue. And very bloody. That part's gonna freak you out. They wash it.

Not right away. Very quickly. No, no, no, no, that's not true. They put the whole mess, they put the whole mess right on top of it. Right on the tip. Why don't my tips? They gotta start suckling right away.

What? My wife, we don't know if she can breastfeed. She can, I know. Why do you, why? What do you do, Doctor? What do you mean, you don't, if she can breastfeed. She can, I know. What? What? What? What did you mean? What's the problem with her? Oh, I know. That actually made me mad. I was like, a nose to it. It's shut up. Fucking tough. Yeah, she had fake tits. Yeah, but they don't probably still do that anyway. Well, we'll see. I mean, I don't know. She might not be able to. Can I be in the delivery room? No. I'm a no! I'm a fucking doing an OPI out.

I just want an OPI out. I really want an YouTube and not an OPI radio. I want to watch you. How? I want to watch you go through the experience. No, I will have a camera in there. Right. I will have maybe somebody, me filming myself.

I had a videographer. But did you? I just wanted to know. You didn't watch the video online? Did you really? I have a fucking video because it's a kind of frown upon it You had a videographer for real video videographer again. I'm gonna fucking punch you. It's you just sorry We had a colored I'm Jesus What's but what was what is it filmed she no she didn't film like the

I'm not gonna see bees with John now I don't care she my buddy bloody baby head though shot. I know I know I hope I'm not gonna see bees with John now I don't care if she my buddy baby had though Sean I know I know I hope I'm sorry that if you like I don't never have kids I don't interview people on the show you jump in whenever you can do it's the bloody baby heads yeah I know I I don't think Sean's ever having kids some people come on the show and they think they're gonna be interviewed like hey

there's podcast I just we just whatever you jump in jump in dude don't jump in whatever you jump in jump in dude. Don't jump in whenever you got the head shape of a newborn baby Door I like Sean's hair. Yeah, it looks like you you fucking you put we put on it Anything I got letterman's hair to Velcro you put up more like Phil Collins you put you put shit More like Phil Collins you put you put shit it like Roe game hold it I'm bothered by this what's up with the delivery? Yeah, you got to step up. I'm not I'm not why would you do it? I would do it. I'm not watching even Sean would. I'm not even sure I'm gonna do it.

Yeah. What is that? You gotta step up. I'd be there for. No, no, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not getting flowers for Kurt's girl. I'm gonna be there for your wife.

Where are you gonna get flowers? Proflowers.com. Yeah. Or what are you, what code are you gonna use? Dude. Dude. I'm not gonna be there because here's the deal. I don't, I'll be on, I'll be on.

I'll be on, no. This isn't a fucking game show asshole. I don't... I'll be on it. No. This isn't a fucking game show, asshole. It took me a long time. I had sexual issues with people, a woman I love versus a woman who I bang. Oh, he's so Catholic, dude. What is that? I know.

It was terrible. What are you doing to people? I don't know. I had to look at my wife's pussy. It's not my sister. It's not my sister. It's not my sister for fucking months What is your sister's pussy look like? Just like my wife Good no What is your pussy look like?

So, to fuck. Oh, he has to bend in. Okay, we're good. Yeah, Chameen's showing everyone. Chonga cocky there, you saw that? Oh my God. He's got that bum. I'll see you in a half hour. Wow, there was a fucking comma at the end of that one.

Duh, duh, duh. So, it took me a long time to really to be able to bang my wife the way I bang other chicks, you know what I mean, like to get over that intimacy shit and that, you know, the person you love really hurt you, huh? Well, I look dude, I've sexually with the Catholic and all the other shit that happened to me. I got fucked up. So now to go, I'm used to her vagina. And you know me with the poo and all the shit and the blood. If I see that coming out of that thing, I won't be, I'm not gonna be able to go down there.

You will. And it freaks, the pussy gets turned out and gets fucked up for a long time. It's like six weeks. It's six weeks you can't fuck. You don't count. Your girl is a superhero. That's like, no, it didn't get fucked up. It didn't change. It changed in the delivery room. I wasn't supposed to take a peek, but I did. What it looked

like. It's like what? Just to show a flower. Huge. A full kind of flower. That's a massive blossom flower. It's amazing. It turns into a Georgia. Oh my to me It's so amazing Come on Did you, did you fucking Turn that app on yet? I don't know It turns into another organ She doesn't really like me talking about this But it turns into like another organ

What do you mean an organ? It's all swelled up and just Flaps out? It's amazing It's not, that doesn't sound amazing My girls did not do that all the way It didn't turn to a flower It just kind of opened up a bunch.

Oh, it was fucking hard. He's probably a little bit ashamed. It was terrifying. It was terrifying. But at the same time, dude, there's something about watching your fucking kid come into the world. There's something amazing about it.

He's gonna fucking cry. I cried like a bitch. You're gonna cry, dude. It's a cry right now. You're gonna cry. My biggest fear is it's gonna come out and it's gonna be Norton Can't be doing chiptiff it was crazy in it

Were you really confused when your baby popped out? I was I was like what the fuck is this? Yeah, cuz it was black No, it's really confusing to me like what it didn't make sense it also in this, there was a whole new life in the room. It was really strange. Uh, you know, I mean, dude, it changed. We confused for a second and then I was all in obviously, but at first I'm like, what the fuck? I mean, I, the one thing that I took from that whole thing was that my fucking girl is completely superior to me in every fucking way and I don't add anything

to the world. Seriously. I'm laughing, because Phil has a pap blue ribbon and that dumb hat in that shirt, like a fucking merchant marine, sitting behind you guys. Bill's at a bar on the Williamsburg right now. Yeah.

Let me get one of you a Cleveland fucking comic. You realize women are amazing. It's fucked. Yeah, before that I hated women, I thought women sucked and then after I watched that experience, I was like, you know what, these fucking bitches, these bitches are good. I stayed up near the head of my mother-law held the like. Yeah. I'm not I'll step me out of the head and I'm that's good. At least you're in the room. I will be there with her. You're gonna kind of like a bitch whatever I see. I'll you know I'm gonna puke and whatever I see I see but I'm not I'm

not gonna go down there and look at it. You gotta watch the placenta come out. That's a terrifying thing. I'm not watching that fucking dirty, as tech-pockable. What about, come out of here. Come out of here. Come out of here, fucking stink-wink-wink. Oh, I'm running that down. That's the name of this walk, dude.

You're not gonna do a Tom Cruise and eat it, like fried up for the food. You gotta eat it, yeah. By the way, women do that, you know. people eat it some people plan it and some people save it They use it as fertilizer for trade at their house. You save the baby cord. Oh, I don't know No, I don't know I think you might be in a little thing you're supposed to save the core blood. Oh, yeah Some people say that's a that's a scam. Yeah, it's expensive. It's like $10,000 dollars and dollars for stem cells Yeah, it's expensive. It's like $10,000. $10,000 for fucking sales.

$10,000 for those. I have no idea. Stamp sales for later on. If they live here, yeah, yeah. They'll be able to grow a fucking kidney in the living. Grow in the air or something. Grow in the air or whatever the fuck. What's the supposed to say, Christopher Reeve?

A look, man. They didn't. They put the placenta in a nice tray for you. They're gonna be able to, they're gonna be able to fucking, look, I'm not, this is gonna sound weird. Print an ear. Honest to God. What do you mean print?

They're gonna be able to get your DNA and they're gonna get, it's this, it's like skin, fucking jelly, and they put it in these 3D printers now and they can print out a fucking earlobe. I promise you that's not how that works. Absolutely, that's one of those. One of those, one of those. Absolutely.

Absolutely. This science program. Absolutely. Absolutely. Google printing ear. Well, look at Google it. Printing ear. I don't care if you think my pussy you get that right you get that I don't care if you think, but pussy, you get that, right? You get that I don't care if you don't think I'm a real ass dude. Don't really do. Hey, I think you're talking to Lewis D. Gomez as Lewis J. Gomez, right? I love, I love when Lewis gets mad,

he pushes the mic away. Were you surprised how hard it was to cut? Yeah, dude, it's like fucking crazy hard. It's like, gristly. It's life, it's fucking life. If it was nice, it's rough. I did it with my teeth. Yeah, because you get a Puerto Rican hospital. They ran out of knives All the knives reuse

And they were trying to get cigarettes and money I know I'm gonna fucking email from a Puerto Rican fan. Yo man. Those are little too many. You have no Puerto Rican fans I don't even see Puerto Rican some more. Dude, it's all Dominicans now. Where the fuck happened to Puerto Rican? I know, Bruce, right? They really just ran yous out of town. Didn't they? I love Puerto Ricans.

Yeah, I'm all Puerto Ricans. You know what? I tell you this. I'm 42 now and I love my wife, but I always thought, I always thought I would be married to a Puerto Rican broad. And I'd have little Puerto Rican Italian Irish babies. Yeah.

But that's what I am. That's my mix. You have one of me. Oh, it's beautiful. Just to save you from that one, Robert. It's called bio printing. I refers to the practice of using 3D printing to make biological tissue such as skin, bone, and cartilage. Thank you.

How do you feel now, stupid? Dr. Goldgo, man. I don't know one word you just said on that. It was very technical. It's, yeah, they can print, they're gonna be able to, do you know what? Can they print showing up some pocket buzzers?

Oh. Hahaha. Hahaha. That's it. Hahaha. That's all I have. Hahaha. I gotta switch this up a little bit.

There's something that happened this week. Yes. That with Kurt. Yes. I thought that's why I was here to begin with. Well, no, you're here because I wanted to be on the show We have to balance the funny. This one fucking blows me away about this fucking But why do you need a reason to be here? Why do you have a podcast because I have friends of mine on and we shoot the shit and have fun

You fucking his beautiful frat studio. Yeah, I mean you having fun. He's better in print Yeah, at the beginning. I mean, you having fun? He's better in print. I have to. Yeah. Nobody's got me nailed. Yeah, we should have just blogged. He gets me.

He gets me. I didn't have you on because you're a friend of mine and I've known you for years. And, you know, I had Dylan on last week and I felt bad when I saw you face. Bobby, can I try something for you? I have him ask a question to you. Well, I want to set this up because what happened this week? Oh, he's gonna be involved with the curtain He's gonna be a real I wrote something about this today. Yeah, so what happened? So why don't you explain what happened?

You'll explain it a little better show. Go ahead explain what's going on With UCB and what Kurt did and what's happening? Yeah, I like him explains. I wanna know, I didn't have a my head what it is, but I'm like, I wanna know what the fuck people wrote. Yeah, got hurt a lunatic. Yeah, well, this is just the new iteration of a debate that's been going on. For years, first of all, dumb it down already. Iteration, not my fan base, go.

I knew it was, it's okay. Okay. Well, Bobby, I don't know if you remember 10 years ago, there was an issue with comics getting paid even at the showcase clubs like here at the seller or Caroline's or Gotham. Yes, I do. And there was a big to do. There were petitions made. People wanted to get enough money. Right. Well it was Ted, Alexandra, who was Russian, Russian, Russian, buddy, Bolton, and buddy Bolton Well, yeah, but here's the thing though, is that all the comics, all the clubs in the city paid $50 for the last 30 fucking years.

So we didn't get a raise. They made more money. There was more clubs, there was more comics. Everybody was getting money except us. So it was like, fuck this. And then some clubs actually stepped up and some clubs didn't. So we had to all come together

Yeah have meetings and and we're got convoluted When open-mikers were that there was more open-mikers at the meeting than fucking headlight like working comics and they were like What about us? Well fuck you what about you?, you don't, you have to pay your dues. You don't get paid. We're the ones that get paid so that when you move up, you have something to look forward to. You know what I mean? You have something goals to get.

I wanna be a paid guy. I wanna get a food spot. I wanna get weekends. I love a food spot. A lot of food spots, wasn't it? Yeah, I, yeah. So what happened? We all got together and we changed the way New York City.

And I think it was the first time it's ever been done here where everybody up their money. Yeah, and it went to $65. Well, some of these guys tried to fuck Tay. 75 dog buddy. They tried to go some black ball. I don't know if you only named names, but some dudes did that shit. Some people did. Yeah, some people dead. Well, all right, whatever. I'm not gonna force you to do it. I didn't know that. Yeah, dude. So who? I mean, do. Well, all right, whatever. I'm not gonna force you to do it. I didn't know that. Yeah, dude. So who? I mean, you could guess, try to take a wild guess and I'm hurting.

Ow! Ow! Try to guess. All right. So take a wild guess and you'll do something like, ow Martin. Yeah. Be mad at yourself with the bringer.

Yeah, okay, so those guys, but most of the clubs, though, accepted them. Right. And understood, and blew over quick, and we got our money. Everybody, and everybody got paid, even the fucking new people, even the new new commerce got 20 at least 20 dollars a spot Right and during the week it was 20 dollars a spot it 25 from like 15 right so the new issue is over the course of the last few years

Nice segue by the way there have been these other venues you don't call them all rooms or indie rooms you just call them These other independent venues such as the uprisis and brigade theater or the them these other independent venues, such as the Upracist and Brigade Theater or the Pit, these other rooms, places in Brooklyn. They're not full-time comedy clubs, they're not theaters, but they are charging, they're trying to charge lower fees for ticket prices. Right, right. And in exchange for having a lower ticket price, they're saying, well, we're not going to pay the performance. We'll just cut it out of your end to have the ticket price. It's a fucking amazing.

They're having like the old arguments that some of these club owners have, which is like, we can't afford to possibly pay the reason that we have the fucking business. But it's sold out shows. It was one show. I complained about one show. Okay, tell me what you complained about.

They had a show called If You Build It that I did, this girl Cara Clank runs it, that I used to work with her in the video game board. So it's her rooms at UCB East. Okay. The show's Friday night. Can I just stop you real quick? They were so successful with UCB.

They actually opened up another club. That's right. If you're not successful, if you're not making money, you don't open up an East club. You're the same. But let me and I think the business model isn't so much that they have successful shows. The business models that they charge in private actors con volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca, espectacularismos, cones de película y un sincindia aventuras desperan. ¡Fliparás! Vuelades de madrida murcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea. Parifa sujetas a disponibilidad, consulta las condiciones en volotea.com.

Correct. Correct. No lo lo sé. No lo sé. No lo sé. ¿Qué ha pasado? ¿Qué ha pasado? ¿Qué ha pasado?

No lo sé. No lo sé. No lo sé. No lo sé. So what happened you just time what happened you so I was doing I don't even look at those are for you Whatever was pictures of my wife's vagina So I did the show couple times I noticed it was Friday night and I just assumed I was getting paid right because it's packed It's a 120 ct. You can clarify that before how much you take it Ten dollars a ticket, which is not she never told you that you're getting paid before she just ashamed No, all these fucking people because because it's 10 years since the coalition so all these new fucking comics There's such a low self esteem fucking illegal immigrants. They just do this. Well, not even, I mean, Lewis is smarter than that. I'm kidding.

Puerto Rico is a commonwealth. It's a commonwealth. Yeah, thank you very much. You know what, I'm back on John's side. But, so I would do the show. And then, on top of that, the people that would run UCB, where I kind of like, dick, they're these little rules, the colleagues couldn't use their drink ticket

until after they perform. What? Yeah, this guy Nick Turner, if you look on my Facebook, put a whole story of some guy poured his beer out because he goes, you can't have this now before the show and it was like I gotta get out of here Cuz I got another spot to make and the guy poured it out in front of him instead of just giving him a drink I would I would just and I really don't think I can fight but I would just Just for the story just beat the daylights out of improv if you're doing that like just to say that I did it

I would do that like I would have said give me two things that piss you off Wait, what I was a joke give him the fucking bomb, bandana, please right now. I thought that was good. You should have heard it. You should have done better words. It was an improv joke. It was give me two things that piss you off. It was so anyway, so I just initially. That wasn't on there good. Actually threw you off track.

It shorted out my story them It's called blocking so this is like a month. I don't know how many months ago I posed this thing like first I just posted one anger was like I'd love to meet whoever came up with this shit or something It sounds like kind of threatening you said I want to make the Manager of used to be a right now. No, I didn't say that. I that's not the exact word. I said I loved it It's not those He's right here Kelly. Don, I didn't say that. That's not the exact word. I said I loved it. It's not those. Anyway, bring it up. He's right here, Kelly.

Then I did the show. He can actually tell us what he actually fucking said. I was the poopies, I'm an idiot. Stupid Aussie. So that was the initial thing. And then I got like some people were like, I remember. I was like, Oh, he's fading.

He's passed his bedtime. So I did another show. I did another show that, well, don't interrupt me. And I'll tell you the goddamn story. So I go, I go do this fucking other show. And I I made fun of I made fun of this on stage at UCB and I see the light going well I'm talking shit it wasn't even mean like the crowd was laughing right but it was this guy Michael Shalky had a show there right right and so supposedly they threw his whole show out of the lineup because because I was talking a shit they deny that they deny that to who's they like a couple of colored I don't know any of the fucking names these people

I don't know any of their fucking improv names are they black? it's improv you think that's a black man sorry they're black the black improv is yeah but not like a good at it yeah they got like whillers on and trust me. They got some fucking Hannibal glasses Chuck tailors if they're doing it. Yeah, you're gonna you get an ad it at E if it's black. It's a white man's get it Like fucking scam because you got a charge kids that are having the rent paid for him, you know, so so these people They look they shit so so I can play this right now

They took they said fuck they not only were mad at you, they took this guy show and said, go fuck yourself. They just say anything to me. They took this. Yeah. And so officially that's not the reason they did, but supposedly the tech guy who was the guy lighting me was like, you're not controlling your comics. So I found out about my mother.

I'm sorry, we have to be controlled now. That's not their official policy. According to Matt Besser and a lot of this shit is not their policy It's the people working there that is how this so there's creole this controlled creativity That's how works the people that are the employees are fucking the performers, you know They don't pay a staff to run this shit. It's people that want to be on stage for nothing So of course they hate your guts as a comic coming in like oh this guy guy isn't gonna have to clean up popcorn after the show. I'm like, no bitch, I'm not a fucking bitch improv.

I'm like, first of all, I started out in improv. Me, Dan Cook, Alda Benny, and Jay Hall, Al and the Muggies. Okay? We were Boston's best fucking improv group. I believe that. All right, we got a hundred percent. You've never seen me do hands improv. I'm fucking awesome.

I'm just talking about that. Give me three things to pitch off. Go ahead. Oh, I get that, baby. I get a joke. I know I get it. So anyway, I had another show that nobody said anything to me. The next thing I did this, if you build a show, which is the Pact one.

This is the only show I think we're supposed to pay. They have a bunch of shows I'll do for free because they're not taking money at the door. You know, Whiplash is a good show. I don't give a shit. Like, love Whiplash. Yeah, it's a great show. That's you. That's a free show.

That's you B.C. You, you C.B. West. Right. You C.B. West. Fucking love that show. Yeah, it's awesome. Great show. And I don't think any comics, yeah, Grouse Fund, I don't think any comics

really have a problem even doing free shows But if I watch you taking money from people at the door and like none of that goes to me It all goes into the fucking club like none of it and it's a hundred people at 10 bucks Like I'm donating to your fucking improv shit like ass pennies. What are the fuck? It's called like that's my job You know so so that was the thing I was pissed off about and I posted a thing about that and about how this is why love Kurt though He's real I stood He's a real ass dude. I don't I don't think it head is how that it

I'm following you on Facebook and you one of my favorite people on Facebook Well because you you No filter there's no filter, but you write these fucking little essays I'm a fucking blogger, dude. You're not a blogger, dude. Lois for my life. You know, it really is. I'm telling you, man, you're nothing lower than one.

I really, you know, your Facebook is always interesting, always funny, and it's fucking honest as shit. I'm not saying that the blog's smoking your ass, because I hate Facebook, but I love your Facebook. I fall this whole thing this week. And then I saw the video you did, you went up at the stand, and the UCB was supposed to meet you there.

And I thought, I don't have a dumbass Patrick. You don't have what Patrick said up. So after I made that initial complaint, not a fucking dentist appointment. I know, that's certainly not a dentist appointment. Shit, dude. Patrick.

So. Oh, it's hilarious, dude. I like that club stand by, it's a good club. Stan is a Greggy, but they're opiN. No, I have not. You'd like it, dude. I'm glad those guys opened my truck. So, he read this all I got to contribute. He read this complaint. I'm a little confused, by the way.

Why? Because it's not my world. What happened? The show doesn't pay comics and they charge the door. I complained on Facebook about it. Right Patrick saw that and said, Hey, do you want to have a debate show? Right and I at the stand what debate the fact they're not paying you right and in my head I'm like, okay, but I don't even see what the debate is. It's just basic how things work like but I'll go do it like I won that debate already Right and there was no everybody there to be yeah, so patrick his idea so did he set up the debate there's how he set it up he told them first that they are going to get an award for being in the new york comedy scene

and they were gonna come collect their award and then i just burst in and ambush them and tell them what what what is patrick giving out i mean if they fell for that that is their fault if patrick deserved if they felt like they do but but like like they would do it so he, they do. But like, what are you doing? So they go, no, no, we're gonna get people. So then they didn't get anybody for it.

There was nobody coming. This guy Matt Besser, they said might be coming. Listen L.A. He was not gonna be at this show. So maybe they were gonna fly him in. What amazes me about this being an outsider, the little you guys are paid for your spots. I'm amazed by that.

Well, that's the way by that. I was blown away by that. Yeah, when that first part. Yeah, because you guys are all really talented stand-up comics and together. Well, that's the main. I was blown away by that. Yeah, when that first part. Yeah, because you guys are all really talented stand-up comics and together, not Kelly, but ever. Yeah. And to get $50 a spot, and then you're fighting to get it to 65, that's just amazing.

I get how a showcase club works. It's not like on the real. Let me explain it to you. But that should be a no-brainer just to give you the fuck at $50, $65. You bet. I wasn't even asking for that. He was asking for a twenty.

Yeah, before we throw this out there, wait, stop. Most clubs right now where it stands, right, this comedy seller will just take that for you. It's eighty five dollars a spot on a Friday and Saturday. To me, that's low. Okay, but here's a deal. Just just I'm gonna explain it to you. It's a showcase club. So everybody does 10 to 15 minutes. So they have six comics on. And there's clubs, what's 100 CD down stairs? 110 seats they get.

Okay. But what are they paying for it ticket? The paying 15 to 15 months. And a weekend it's 20. 20 to 22. Or 22 dollars. And then you got a meeting and drinking. Okay great. How much does the average person, I don't know, Kelly, bring out your meeting and drink it.

Okay, great. How much does the average person, I don't know, Kelly, bring out your phone and add it up. It's probably like $16, $17 a person average after the drink minimum. Like the seller, because they have cheap drinks. Some places, you know, Santa New York, Comshire, Blythe, they charge $15, $16 a drink. Right. So they'll spend $40 a person, $45 a person,

just on drinks. I mean, the seller, because it's six comics. Three grand. It's three grand to sell out the room, just on drinks. I mean, the seller because it's six comics, three. Three grand, it's three grand to sell out the room just on, it's three shows, three shows. Yeah, I don't, I don't stand with the seller because it's a really small room in this lot of comics. I'm talking about these other places where it's only a couple of you guys.

Okay, well, and they're like, okay, I'm working Gotham this weekend, I'm getting paid up thousands. So I'm doing a headline spot though. I'm doing an hour Hang on so Gotham comedy. Oh max. This is coming up next week. So it was this week. So if you didn't go you're an asshole Great, so great. Amy Schumer is actually middle for me She just jumped on the show Joe list was on the show It was horrible. Sorry about Kurt though.

But yeah, so we get paid, maybe we should get a hundred bucks, but you know, the comedy sell is good, because they actually raise the money and during the week, it's $30. Everybody gets $30 a show during the week. And the week nights of sell it doesn't really charge. They do charge cover, but people get free tickets. Well, you can see how people are content with a pittance of money like it's not that hard right it's not hard to make comics not complain about it's not about the thirty bucks or the seventy five bucks it's about working on your craft getting to a point where you can take it on the road and get a few thousand dollars for the week it's not

my honor to be on the stage you see be it your god damn honor but you know the guy said that to me so many words my talk to him. But, so anyway, I fucking, I'm supposed to do this show and then lead up to it. There became like a, I didn't even realize until like a couple days before, but there's always like Tumblr shit. Cause you, there's the other thing I realized with the people that are taking the improv classes there,

there's such a community of like North Korean snitches. You know, there's such a fucking collection. I mean, they're just like, so that's why it's on, that's such a fucking collection. I mean, they're just like, so that's why it's on, that's why it blew up like that. I don't even think it was people complaining as much. There were a lot of people who were complaining. Like, I wasn't trying to organize shit.

Like people where it had long-standing grudges against UCB East, that they all came out like fucking Sandusky victims, you know. And so, so these people, well, I think that it's so that the bottom line is they fucking, it was a big, this huge thing. And then I heard no one was going to come to the debate show. So now I'm posting, I hope they don't punk out. And because New York Times is coming to it, because I now I'm starting to get mad like I'm not going to come and even talk about it. And then the guy contacted me, Matt Besser, for me. This is who is that? He's the, he's the guy with like the, the looks like side show

Bob Moore. What does he do? What is he? Is he owner? It's the guy with like the looks like side show Bob more What does he do? What is he's the owner? It's him Amy Poler and then other guy with red hair and somebody like the guys from you You know, I'm a K that best or Matt Walsh in Robert's directs the key and peel show on Comedy Central now Matt Walsh is on Deep what they mean the black Chris Rock show No, that's a Chris Rock right? That's how no that's that's okay, okay, so fucking so he called me up because I think what got to him I was saying all the shit where I was like calling him like doing slavery. I was like I was doing like a slave voice online I don't know if you read that down. It's like I'm proud in prom heritage cannot sustain itself

If we pay a stand- call, they better off here. Didn't that scary old hot jungle of a comic club? Because I was getting arguments from them. If you read the arguments that the improv people make, they're insane. It's not the arguments that the UCB top guys made. It's the ones the people there make. You know what I mean? Which is like well? We're cleaning up the room for you. I'm like that's your job anyway. Really?

Did you not see it shit? I know really funny. It was like we sell beer to your fans We clean the room. Oh, I don't have to bring beer to my show It's like everybody and by the way, they don't do that in practice It turns out all the shit of to nurturing thing. It's not like that They loaded over the comics when they when people come over, you know like do the shows They bitch Adam cuz there's too much popcorn on the floor whatever the fuck and the tech guys a fucking cunt And most of this all comes out of UCB East But the real the real the real thing boils down to the fact that that your wife left you

Why do you have to bring back to that? There's no need Fucking sad I moved on why can't I that the white left you yeah that's groude I move don why can't she me she me she moved yeah yeah dooly noted dooly no no the real the real the real the real contention the debate comes about because

these new clubs aren't used to doing stand-up shows and they and when they did do them they weren't doing them on a weekend and charging money for that's right is a weeknight which nobody gives a shit about yeah so that's what he said to me is like we didn't know the stand-up culture and I don't think they do man based on the show people right they don't understand stand-up culture at all well I talk to them today and they told me you know a couple things one is you know they could pay if they raise the ticket prices to fifteen dollars or twenty dollars but they don't want to do that because they wanted to be an open

place for people to see the show yeah but that particular show on friday raised the fucking ticket price of fifteen that you still cheaper than the other places and then his his other point is that those places aren't aren't supposed to be treated like a common club There's supposed to be a place where you screw around Okay, so I I understand his thought probably a workout space for you

But a lot of place I'm not working out so you agree with him No, I'm saying it's I'm saying I'm asking your opinion Do you think that it should be free? Do you think you should be able to do stand-up on a Friday night in a packed crowd at UCB because of what it is and what they represent? Do you think you should say, hey, take the hit and fucking,

if you're gonna work there, you don't get paid, that's it. I don't know that they should be doing that, no. I don't think, just because there's three locations. In his head, it's a special unique place, but you got three locations, dude. So that means they built a business model that's based on never, like they built some commie fucking system

that like it all goes up. I just, look, we fucking, here's the thing. All right, but oh, guys, guys, guys, here's the thing. Let me just, let me just cut Lewis out for this. Don't you fuck, here you come. I do have a better understanding of, because the guy talked to me, he wasn't like you want an apology or something,

like he was pretty nice and calm I talked to him So I understand how they're thinking a lot better. So I'm not as enraged right as I was initially Are you gonna be able to go back there or you done? Oh, I don't know. I mean, I's not a To the fucking whiplash and shit. I just I'm not doing a Friday night thing that's packed and I get I just not I think that That's a point though It's like you have every right to just say I don't want to perform at the place and hold on me. Let's yeah There's there's people like Kelly that are never gonna get paid and she needs just I got you need a cut the fuck what are you gonna say how much are we talking about here?

Like 20 but do I see unbelievable yeah, it is it is but they I mean his thing is that's it That's just insulting. Yeah, it's gonna open right I don't know if you're working on your shit and it's not like you're out of town You know headlining but but I got let it's something every time you get on a fucking stage and yeah For people if you paid if the whole thing was you had to Somebody I said How many people were performing that night like five? Hundred fucking dollars. It's not an amateur All things I said People were performing that night look five hundred fucking dial

How many people it's not an amateur? I'm saying Friday. It's not an amateur fun show. How much is it take a show and you know? When you stuff at a hundred people hot crack I got a show up and do my job then that in that case So you're not providing this oh you have no choice. You don't have new jokes If you had to pay somebody every time they went on stage the only guys are gonna get paid or at a certain level So there almost has to be a scene of people that aren't paid to do it And that's how you fucking grow old improvs. That's how true dude. Let me tell you something

When you when you started in comedy dude and Philly you did fucking open mics that were sold out at black rooms I mean dude didn't pay the comments because you had to go and pay your dues. Absolutely. You had to go be become you had a strive for something You know, I'm saying saying I think look right now I'm just I'm coming into a place where I'm starting to make that was during a weeknight They have the open mic during a weeknight, right? I don't disagree with you. I think you should never work for fucking freak So I will I will work I think the point is why can't Kirk get booked somewhere in a weekend where he gets paid he does Why can't he only perform it easy?

Well, yeah, I would have just if they get a better gig look. If they just beat me instead of fucking everybody else there, I wouldn't have said shit. The problem with that now is that they're not gonna pay people on like a Friday or Saturday night show. People like Kurt are gonna go fuck that. I'm gonna go somewhere else that's not a show. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, but that's the point because they're not looking at

in terms of like longevity because now that booker is gonna go, well, I'll get someone else. Who's gonna go to Kurt? They're not booking it though. Alkama comes in and produces a show themselves and gets no cut of the door whatsoever that comic that's booking isn't booking Kurt now they're probably booking someone that's at a lower level in Kurt because Kurt couldn't do it and that's who should work for free that's

what they know caliber of show is going down who gives a fuck it should go down on a weekend on a weekend you see what the other solutions see what, the other solution is they're probably just gonna eliminate having Friday night shows to not have a fight because they really hold fast to this that they're gonna open a Pandora's box. That's what he is calling it. 20. Wow.

I, look dude, you, just how you say, just like me. You're living a weird world. I mean, in your state, yeah. At your stage in your career, you should get paid every time you get in front of me. But my whole thing is, I don't wanna start a union and shit, I don't give a shit. I'm just gonna say, I don't care to start a union and shit, I don't give a shit. No, I understand.

I don't care if they change how they do it at all. My whole point when I said was, why are you, when you want to produce a show going to this place, you're like, okay, listen, you do the work promoting and we're going to take all the money. And you get to say it's a UCB, like, why would you, because I know Comic said, I'm not taking that fucking deal and like, Cara that runs if you build it,

I'm like, Cara, why is your show there if that's what you get? Like, why would you stop being fucking punks because it's UCB, there's three locations. It's not a special unique fucking thing anymore. It's like Papa Johns or something at this point. And it's the principal. Yeah, you're not looking to get rich.

I'm not, I don't need a fucking answer. And here's where you're getting, here's where you're getting cab money, food money. You're getting a little taste of the action to hold you off to go there and be creative, be the best you can so that people will come back. We're not improv, we're stand up comics. So if you're gonna have stand up comedy show,

you should have to abide by the rules that the stand up comics set up five or six years ago. We set up a comic union. Yeah. This is if you're going to have a standup comedy show in fucking New York City, you have to pay $20 to this guy $80 60 or $85 to this guy during the week and on weekends. That's it. Fuck you. That's what we agreed on. And even people don't hold it down. But where do these guys that are coming up that aren't at the level where they don't have credits? They stop the work on the truck. Where do they come in?

If you're having a professional show, can't we suck it? Listen, an amateur show that's where they go. But those are amateur shows for the most part. These all Friday shows. See that's a different thing. Well, here's a deal. Okay, so if they have, if they have,

if they have, if they have, if they have, if they have, if they have you on, Kurt,, Kelly, and you, me and Kurt should get paid. And you guys don't. Because your amateurs, you son of a bitch. So I mean, look, if I'm a man, I'd pay you a little if I'm a fresh baby, if I'm walking to the door and I'm a headlining comic around the country and you're having me do your show, you pay me

fucking money. Your current,t, you should get money. Okay, Kelly, you should get the stage time and maybe a little, but I get it. If they don't pay her and she's on, she's gonna work a Friday night in front of a hot crowd. I should at least get a drink. I'm gonna say, you should have drink it. That shows doomed are the way now. It's doomed because either they just cut the show completely or the caliber is gonna go

down and people aren't gonna be seeing such a hot show anymore They're gonna go 180 to 60 No, here's why they will though because there's thousands of fucking comics in New York City I'm not gonna keep that I Let me tell you some of those guys that are on a fucking level. There's guys that work the seller to free fucking shows every night all around the town I'll do a free show. Of course. I'll do a free show too I wouldn't work half the time if I was doing a free show. But not if you, but not if you were taking money from,

like if the doors $50 and give me fucking five dollars of it at least motherfucker, like, that's the thing. But I think you have the right to say, I'm not gonna do the show. I don't know, I feel like the way that I do, it's fucking America, dude. People can set up whatever business model they want. We have every right to go,

fuck you, I'm not working your club. That's it. And that's all I'm saying, like every comic should individually not be a bitch and fucking not how they want. We have every right to go fuck you, I'm not working your club. That's it. And that's all I'm saying. Like every comic should individually and not be a bitch and fucking not. I agree. It's not us unifying. The problem is there's too many comics. That's really the fucking problem.

Yeah, I get it. Yeah, I get it. Everybody says that, why don't you comics? We can't because we're not, look, if someone takes away my gig and you'll take it because you got a family and if someone's gonna pay you to do a show

that I was gonna do, the same money I'm gonna get, even though you don't deserve it or you're not there yet, whatever, you're gonna take it and you'll do a fine enough job, no, the crowd is not gonna know. No, they have no idea. The difference, right. You know what I'm saying? So it doesn't matter, that's why you'll step in

and fucking do that. That's why we can't get a union because we're not groups. We're individual businesses. Individual businesses, and it's a cutthroat fucking business, man. Yeah, so my whole thing was just that, like you as an individual, if you get a shit, they don't give a fuck, they care about selling tickets.

That's unbelievable. That's it. So they ever take care of you guys outside the deal? Like they know the end of your night, so they're like, no, no, no, no. I know what the deal is but here's a little something. I've had club owners do that. I've had club owners where I come in,

I do the show, my deal is what my deal is. You know, I have a guys go look, we had a great week in what you hear some extra cash though. Vinnie Brand has done that. All right, me and my brother own a restaurant, it's a little, obviously it's different, but if he has a really good night, he fucking walks around. He doesn't give a fuck what he pays these guys and he goes, thank you.

Joe. Two's workers. No shit. And it makes those fucking guys way more loyal and it makes them work even harder for them. They want to they want to work for my brother. Yeah, this guy doesn't understand. And he does little stupid things.

He knows that someone's birthday against a dumb cake and throws it in the back form. I mean, you just got to do those little bones. I mean, and that's all you got to do. We got to do. It's always infuriating me over the years just in my business with radio and stuff. It's like, yeah, the littleest thing. Like I make a lot of money doing radio. But when they do that tiny little fucking thing, it makes me appreciate, you know, them so much more. And I want to be there.

And I want to work. That's why I was asking how much? I mean, they're, they're fucking fighting over $20. It's ridiculous. That value that $20 to you would be great. I got messages from people that have improv teams that are like in this Pandora's box that having to pay that he's talking about. There's improv as they're like,

we're packing the show out with our show. We're packing it out and they're not paying us anything. So. You know, some clubs I go in, I don't take the money. Like if it's a small club and they're not making, and they're like, we'll give you money to, and I just walk out, I don't take it. I don't want your money.

I'll come and help you out. You guys should be, that's what I want, this guy understands that. Like I'll come, I should do that. You guys should be working, helping out each other. Right, I'll go to a show and help them out if they're struggling club right? You know what I mean? And I don't I don't like to stand. I don't want your money I'll come out and do a show for you and I want to promote you okay, but even each fill I used to I don't I use

Feel do I don't keep you money. I'll give just give me a couple why would make it more give me a fucking Make you every time. Don't shoot every fucking dude. I don't want. Why? Because then mother fucker under pay his comics and he treats people like shit. That's what we do like shit. Yes, you don't know how he talks to the fucking guys.

He thinks he's above. And you don't know how he talks about your back. Why? Did he? No. You're a ranger. You're a ranger. You're a ranger.

It's, uh, you guys live in a weird world. That's all I want. This loser won't even take my money. What a fag. It's, guys live in a weird world. That's all I want. This loser won't even take my money. What a fag. It is a fucked up world, but it's a strange world. Here the thing is, too, is that even on the road at the higher levels, like you with me, it's like, I'll have one club pay me this much money,

which is fucking respectable. I know how much I make you. I know how much you make on ticket sales. I know how much you make on ticket sales. I know how much you make on booze. Are you making thousand? You make a 30 grand for the weekend. So you're gonna pay me, you know, this, no. There's some guys that pay me what a really nice chunk of that.

And I, look at, I don't want more. I don't want less, but I don't want more. I don't need to fucking drag you over the coals for every neighborhood time. But then there's other guys that want me to do the same fucking job and it for less money with no perks, no friendliness, no night, no nothing. And it's like, fuck, I'd rather not even fucking deal

with you. Then this guy's who can't pay me what these guys pay me. But they treat me nice, they pick me up, they do like, like McGuire's and fucking, they can't pay me what Wilbur Theater pays me, or what Gotham pays me, but I'll go out there and I work their club, they send me a fucking limo. I took the train out there one night, the guys are like, how'd you get here? And I'm like, I took the train, he's like, fuck that, you're taking a limo home. You just hook me up with fucking limo. I took the train out there one night. The guys are like, how'd you get here?

And I'm like, I took the train. He's like, fuck that, you taking a limo home. You just hook me up with a limo. So I was a little shizzling. That's long, I don't know. Limos are easy to get along out. Well, first of all, the guy, the guy, how many tents were in the limo?

No, the guy owns the company. You know what I mean? The guys, they were not. It's a good, let's put this way. He was like, dude, I'll get you a fucking limo. Where you get? Hey Tony, get him a fucking limo. I was get, hey Tony, get him a fucking limo. I was poor growing up and I was in a bunch of limos.

They're easy to get out there. Well, the percentage of club owners around the country that take care of you, Bobby. The percentage, well, the club, here's the thing is that the clubs that I work now, mainly the ones that take care of me. I don't have to. Okay, before that, before you were able to pick and choose.

I would probably say 25%. We're good. We're really like, look, and when I say good, like the Houston Lafstop, which is now closed, the guy who owned it had, you know, he was a fucking nutcase, but he would bring me in twice a year to build up my fan base. I went in, I middleed for Dane there once,

and then he said, I like you too, I think you should be headlining. I wanna build you here. He brought me in twice a year to headline He paid me enough money that I could pay bills and it was nice for me put me up in a fucking great hotel Pick me up for lunch. We weren't shooting fucking guns all this stupid shit Yeah, yeah, cuz it's not about the money Yeah, size book isn't Tampa. I the guy brings into. It's just a little, it's just a little things. Twice a year gives me a nice hotel. And even this last weekend, the contract was fucked up.

And he didn't technically have to give me bonuses. Right. But I had five sold out shows. So he's like, dude, we got it. Your contract fucked you because they gave you more money on the top end. But now with these bonuses, you're fucked, but we're still gonna take care of you.

So it's like, okay, cool. It evened out, you know what I mean? Well, it's like, cool. I don't wanna have to fucking worry about it. I wanna, you know what my dream is, to be able to show up at a gig, you make money, I make money. Yeah, that's it.

I just wanna make you money, so you don't fucking, you don't have anxiety about me. I wanna just come in and have great shows, and walk away. I mean, you don't have anxiety about me. I want to just come in and have great shows and draw away. I'm not really like that. Look, I'm not a draw like Burr, Burr can sell out theaters. I'm starting to draw more, thank God because of this podcast in ONA, and I can go on these shows. I mean, those are the fans that save my fucking life. Because they're the ones that we'll do is my third time seeing, you know what I mean those those are the fans that save my fucking life right because they're the ones that

We'll see dude is my third time seeing you know many times. I've been there twice in a year at side split us I can't tell you how many people got dude my third time seeing you my second time seeing my fourth time seeing what a new joke That was what they said It's so funny to I you mentioned that I had I had a guy Is this the new joke? I had a guy. Is this the new joke? I had a guy tweet me and he was, I felt bad and I hope he's listening. I tweeted me, are you doing the same hour you did last time you were here? I hope not. But he meant it.

Bobby, we get it. You're fat. Right. Some new shit. He said it like, like, I hope you're doing new stuff because I love you and I'm going to come see you again. He didn't mean to like, I hope you're doing new stuff, because I love you and I'm gonna come see you again. He didn't mean to like, I hope not. You know, but me, you can't retone.

You just re-locked. Say just a sim right away. Well, this is what Twitter is, it's the mood you're in. If you feel good about yourself, it comes across good. If you feel like shit and you're in a fucking holiday and express and you're looking at that, you just left Albany, you're like, this cock sucka, it takes, we like, I wrote a new hour in a fucking holiday and express and you're looking at that. You just left Albany. You're like, this cock-sucker, it takes, I mean, like I wrote a new hour in a fucking six months.

I'm like, fuck up my Louis C.K. The cock-sucker, set the curve. Nobody can fucking... So, I blocked him and then his friend was like, no dude, he really loves you. And he just wanted to see if you're doing new stuff. And then I can't afford it probably. Right. And I explain to him, it's like,

you know what I do though? I give, I make sure I give fans ticket. If a fan of it writes me that I can't afford it, I'll try to hold the box. You can't say that. What are you doing? What are you doing? Hang on, let me finish.

Once a year, if you're black. I will hold that box, black. I will hold that box, black. You guys, pro flowers. Valentine's Day is coming up just another amazing dude I'm telling you man Valentine's Day is coming up and I never know what to get I got my wife Razor's and tampons one year because I just don't know what to get her that sounds like a good gift to me But Bob, what are you gonna get her this year? I'd say right now. I'm gonna go to pro flowers my friends it pro flowers

We have to do this twice our ho'm hooking up. Shut up. Yeah, sure. Oh God, that's why you have no sponsors because you suck at it. Run the flattix.com. I'll listen to what you get t-shirts and socks. Anyways, have price on my MMA gym membership. If you guys, if you shut your face and you can listen,

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that's, I want, I want half off. I want it half off. I want a 10% off. You ever get what someone's like, dude, you get 10%, that's, I want half off. I want it half off. I want a nice chunk off. So I know I'm getting a friggin' deal. I want this to be $40 and now it's $20. And pro flowers has done that. It's 100 gorgeous and colorful blooms, a huge bouquet, 50% off from pro flowers.

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You can call 800 pro flowers and mention dude. Okay, that's D-U-D. E-Dude. I'm so proud of you, that you didn't spell a D-O-O-D. I had to spell it, cause there are guys out there that go. I'm over here, you had to treat me.

No, what the fuck a call? The way I spell it is D-U-U-U-U-D-E. Dude, it's one-you dude. I'll go to proflowers.com, click on the microphone in the top right corner and type in dude, that's proflowers.com, click on the microphone and type in dude, order now, do it now.

Before Valentine's Day. Before you forget, I don't get or anything. I'll be right to try to, do it now. Before Valentine's Day. Before you forget, forget or anything. I'll be right back, I'll be right back. I'll be right back, I'll be right back. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. I'll be right back.

I'll be right back. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. I'll be right back.

I'll be right back. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. I'm like, Bobby, you're like a moron. I guess so. I don't think he's a bad guy. What do you say to that? What do you say? So I tell you what I learned from writing the book

for the year with Burr and Derosa and writing this the FX script. We, you know, we had a scriptio. Right. And writing all that and having to read it, I learned so much and Twitter, getting harassed on Twitter. Yeah. Really? I mean, I hate them. I learned so much. And Twitter, getting harassed on Twitter. Yeah.

Really? I mean, I hate them. I hate spelling Nazis. And I just don't like someone who has to read something. You're a fuck. And you know what I mean. It might hurt on a spelling Nazi too. Like I can't lose it.

I know. I can't do it. I tell you this cheating story that I wish I could have told you. Yeah, but hang on. Let me finish my story. And then you tell your story. I mean, I have so much to tell. It's okay.

I know you. But anyways, I learned to spell a lot better from those fucking three things, but I suck at it. I have a learning disability of dyslexia and I never went to school. I actually look back at my education. I went to six, from first to sixth, that was it. And then I went to seventh, eighth,

I was in Juve, in and out of Juve, ninth, I was in and out of Juve of June, ninth, I was in and out of June, tenth, I came back to school and I went to 12, but I was in two classes a day for tenth grade. Wow. Yeah, I left. Why were you allowed to take care of the retarded? Because I was very close.

I knew for well, people landed. I'm a ambassador. The gorilla's in the midst, I can speak the language. Did I just tell everyone he blended Gorilla's in the mist I can speak their language That's tells everyone here is taking care of them He puts you in there right Bobby? That's why they give them a bed That's why you can have your own room Yeah

Bobby, you're the head of all That's right That's great It's like a life of pie I want to sit you down with the other daughter and have you do that Fuck that shaped block puzzle It's a retard version of life of pie Yeah, it's a retard version of life of pie The I want to sit you down with the other daughter and have you do that fucking shaped block puzzle. The retard version of life. Yeah, the retard version of life of pie. The retard was me. I shit my pants in the back of

room. Well, they were fucking me in the ass. I was just like that. Exactly. So go ahead. What were you telling? What were you the story you wanted? Because the only success one I remember is open, right? You had the only success to you. In the whole fucking book, too. No, there was two. I had a lot of them. Really?

Yeah, you had one in Vos had one. Last rubbed the hot dog on his neck. Yeah, you and Vos were the only success stories. No kidding. I didn't know that until right now. Yeah, but I'm with Vos. By the way, Cheat, you can get that off Amazon. I'll take a look on YKWD.

I took it on the subway and read it like and held it up. I don't want to see what I'm reading. I did a lot of those. We did you get one? Yeah, I got like three. Okay, stop. I'm shot. Did you get one?

I got one. Do as my act is showing you like the book. I did like the book. Yeah, it's a book. Where's the review? You dig. It's on the comicscomic.com. No, did you review it? I just make sure you're about it. Did you review it? I wrote something about it. You know what Sean? He never read it and you never read it. I never read the book. What a piece of shit. You never read it and reviewed it. I read it.

I'm sorry. It's not fucking in Engelberg. A pummelding. It gave me an alternative comment. It gave me a lot of clues. Should I ever have a relationship again? I know. I was trying to come up with an alternative comment. It gave me a lot of clues should I ever have a really I know I was trying to come up with an alternative comic name Of Engelbert Humberdick the fucking singer from the 50s 60s do you really do pull yourself back? I did this house Caliating out the door and out we need a fucking door stopper for my chair And we need new chairs. Oh, I just use your book and door stopper for my chair. And we need new chairs.

Oh, I just use your book. Oh, wow. Look at the bomb thought. Wow. Dude, where's the canker chef? You're right. I got it. You got it.

I'll wrap it around that. I was more angry than a bomb. Yeah. He's a very angry guy. Yeah. I really am. I'm really the wrong guy. So, what is it?

All right. I'm sitting next to him. Could you knife me? He will be the guy. Cut. You think your story was was you were kind of broken up when your shit happened, right? Wasn't that when I kept not really or I thought it was like you were on a break or she. Well the whole time she was telling me that she wasn't with her ex-boyfriend. Ah, we'll fuck her. And then things went she found. Yeah, you know

why you're right. You're right. Well, my thing is someone who's she found a pubic hair in my bed, because I thought it was time to fucking move on. It was one lousy black orange. It wasn't orange. She was blonde. And then she lost her shit. And I was still like really into her.

I didn't want to move on. She basically said it was time to move on, but then she was the one that decided she had to get me back because she found the one pubic hair and she left the voice mels on my machine her having sex with her ex that's that I thought the whole time wasn't in the picture and then you know obviously you know could take two girls the same hair color yeah no kidding and then one point she goes guess who's with me and hands to phone yeah that's all it's fucking crushed man. Yeah, so old were you too. I was 24 I guess.

Oh, yeah, this is my then she kills you. Just in case they didn't read my story in cheat. The nice spin here is that she was really close to her grandfather and mother and they thought she was a fucking saint. I had all these voices. Oh, I called and left them on their machines. Oh, me more people. I knew when they were working.

I basically said, this is what your daughter or your grand daughter is up to and I put them all back on their machines. You mean this? Well, so that's why there's a success? Yeah, because I got her back. Yeah, but this is great. I think this is more of a success, because I ever even, she's getting married now,

Delphi, you know, this is like the only thing I did was like a cheat, cheat-ish and she had broken up with me. Okay, we used to live on, we broke up because I never had rent, by the way, I was such a piece of shit. Like I just lived off girls for the whole first like, like eight years I lived in the city, right? Don't comment. Yeah, you're in your ninth year, but go ahead.

I made it. Am I? Yeah, but until, well like six years or seven years I've been okay. Okay. But, but jiggle-o times up until then. Right. I mean, I'm not really handsome enough to do that. So there's something to that Yeah, you're getting you getting fucking like Soup in a fucking place to crash. Yeah, so like a contemporary apartment on the fucking upper side

But I just made would not get a job I was just like I'm a comic I was like look just stick with me and I'll fucking be cool one day and I would I would have, I would have. So she got sick of me and dumped me. And we had like a one of those temporary breakups, you know, for like six months or whatever. And she fucked this other dude. I think Roger Hale, this like, you know Roger? From Best We Go.

And I. Hey names names. I love all of you. I know, she still. I'm friendly. I'm totally friendly. This is all, I'm totally friendly with him now. It's the real fucking deal. I'll tell you about Kurt. He

Doesn't he is fucking a shiver. Doesn't give a shit as long I mean like he doesn't care as long he knows if he's gonna hurt somebody or fuck somebody up He won't but it doesn't matter. Well that shit. He's a real I was I was Who's a real-ass dude Who's a real ass dude? Oh, damn. Listen, it's all bulldozing down. It's all bulldozing down. It's all bulldozing down.

I'm all dude in you, yeah. And also, Jessica's getting married now. So she don't give me shit at this point. Because I know she has no this story. She's just you might get mad. So she got a new place up on the upper side by the comic strip, where? Where I just started working. And we were starting to think about kind of getting back together and she was out of town

visiting a family and she gave me a key to her place and she said, you're working, I just passed the comic strip and she's like, all right, well you can just stay at my place while I'm gone. You know, and I was like, oh cool, I don't have to go back to Brooklyn. So I go do this show and I remember Patrice is on the show and there was this family in the crib. You know when couples start fighting each other during your show and you had a couple do that like they're hikling you and they're fighting each other though. And you never saw that Patrice now.

Patrice just exposed this nerve with this fucking family from South Carolina and the mother and father are like about to get a divorce in the crowd while Patrice is like stoking it up and the daughter, I only shit face, too, by the way. Like I drank like, they're like so many tequila dude. And their daughter was outside all traumatized. But I didn't know the whole story yet,

but I started talking to her in the bar. And she looked like, I kinda was like, oh she just wanna fuck somebody, like whoever. She don't give a shit, right? And Jess is out of town. I'm like she a broken up with me. I'm like, well we're not officially back together yet, right? Like I'll I could fuck this girl

So I take her to Jessica's apartment, okay? And and I told her that I have I'm a pretty work Working comic I have two apartments like I just got this place So I don't have too much stuff in there yet like I just got an air mattress on the floor And I don't have and my girl hasn't taken all her clothes out because we just broke up I was later to use my apartment By the way, I've used that line. It's hasn't taken all her clothes out because we just broke up. I was later used my apartment. By the way, I've used that line. It's good line.

This is her apartment that she just started moving or shit and she's letting me stay in that I'm bringing this girl back to banging. Before he, so I just tell it in the by way, I probably need to lie that much. This girl just wanted to get out of this trauma that Patrice is causing with her family. So I take her back to the apartment up the block.

I put my key, I put just this key in the door. It gets stuck in the outer door. You know those big keys are hard to replace? It just gets fucking stuck. And I can't pull, it's like keep me from going upstairs. So I just leave her key in the door. I'm like, fucking, I'll worry about it later. I wanna fuck.

Go upstairs to the apartment. I fucking, we go in there and like I drunk like half ass. I'm gonna put, I did put a condom on it and it's like awful, fucking whiskey dick, fucking bone. I'm like, and she's called me Frank, right? She's like, we're on this air mattress. She's like, oh Frank, Frank, I'm like, it's good, call me Frank.

All right. Excuse me, let's affigate it. Yeah, and I'm like, this lady, man. I'm so much in time with whiskey dick. Dude, and I'm like, my slay man's bone, I'm pushing it into her. First of all, let's just get this out there last week. He has a fucking dick that could cover half a girl's face.

Yeah, so it's, but it's ridiculous. It's ridiculous, he has. So take the condom off and like, I'll jerk it to try to get it like to work, you know? And I, you know, you're gonna have the half hard where you just come, where you're trying to get your dick out. Like the most appealing thing.

Like a pathetic dick puke Where you're like? Oh, yeah, it just has a stroke. Yeah, just and I do I'm shit faced So I just pass out we just both pass out. I left the key in the door in the outside of the fucking building I left it in the fucking thing, okay? I wake up like just and start puke and all over the place I mean she let me use a plate. I'm just like whoa right and I take and I go home and the girl goes home and the key's gone from the door when I go downstairs.

I'm like, I don't know how this sucks. Also, she goes, oh, I think I'm going to get my period on your sheets. What the heck? And also, Jess is coming back. She's gonna be mad at me about this story. So, I'm gonna be mad. But Jess is coming back in two days or the next day, just

come back the next day. That's when I decided to pull this whole stunt. She's coming back from her mom's place the next day. Okay. So I go home like, all right, I got to get new sheets on this bed. Right. They were black black sheets on there. I got to somehow hope she doesn't notice that I changed sheets which I have never had done in the history of her knowing me. I mean, that's a big But also a key stuck in the fucking door. I just lost that

So I go home I get my shit. I'm like, hey, when are you getting back? I got on the phone like I rushed back up there. I knock on the superstar who's like this drunk like Polish guy They're all Paul's year him beating a woman in the apartment while I'm hanging So I just got that sound like in the apartment while I'm hanging. So I just, it doesn't sound like by the way. I just like, yeah, I'm a guy. And then like the guy just opens his door. And he's not a movie this guy. Like he's like looking at me.

And I go, hey, look man, I got like he stuck in the door to the apartment. Parked upstairs. I'm like, do you know I get another key? I don't know what happened. And he goes, he's opened his hand and dropped and get, like he had found it. It's probably pretty easy to get out of the door. I'm just an idiot, right? So, he goes upstairs, changed the sheets.

On the fucking thing, clean up my puke that was all over the fucking bathroom. Did I left? It was all good by the time she got back, like got back to the house. Didn't notice the sheets. I think we fucked up, she got it. The girl had tried to call me before she left,

that I fucked, but I just didn't get back to her because I'm like all right good enough right and then months go by she does your name as Frank so like not once like like maybe a month goes by and I think I moved in with her to this apartment then at that point okay and she gets a new bed in so she's getting ready the air mattress was her bosses she personal sister for the fridge guy named David right right David what? Shut up would you let him get to the fucking story so she goes so we're like fucking a long story Like listen to big J right Finish the goddamn story so she can you I can't wait so wait listen she takes the fucking glad this wasn't in the book Yeah, so wait listen she takes the fucking This wasn't in the book. We would have fucking no way listen She had to put the mattress right where else the story

We put the match she goes she goes I gave the air mattress back to David and there is this huge blood stain all over it Right, I thought this was all done because it was a black sheet So I didn't think any blood I got it and I'm sitting there. We're in bed. She's and I go dude I'd never pulled off a lie like this so good because she could always tell when I'm lying But I go when did you get your period on the mattress? Like I don't remember that and she goes I don't know and She and because she just couldn't believe I be that big of a piece of shit, right? Like did she never know she's just the only time I ever said it and I'm saying this so she's getting married

There's so she can fucking well, I don't wait a minute dude Exclusive so you've net she she doesn't know the story right now as you're telling me. We were still broken up technically and not officially back together when I did this, but to girls that is cheating. And all of a sudden. Will you please come back on when she finds out and tell us what happened? No, I will never. I will never.

Oh, awesome. All the girls draw a period on the back of the mattress. How's this? I live with a fucking two gay people, a gay woman and a gay guy back when I first started comedy and I was like 125 dollars a month for rent. I had this one room and this gay guy always tried to fuck me, too. I really, he was doing shoes and a lot of curly locks with a ringlets. He would, I would see a silhouette in my door.

He'd like, Bobby, like what Brian? Can we snuggle? I go, no. He goes, not, he's like Bobby, like what Brian? Can we snuggle? I go, no, he goes, not, not gay. It's not gay. Wow. And he'd be like, it's just snuggling. I'd be like, get the fuck out of here. And that's it.

He's the guy who told me he was starting to be a weatherman and he goes, all weathermen, a gay. Most weathermen a gay. Now when I look at weather guys, they're all fucking smoochers. You get a boner. Yes, smoochers. It brings your back, right? I just think of a silhouette in the window.

Bobby. It's not gay. You could have got a free run. So I go into his, I get this girl. I use 25 a month. Oh, Jesus. I had this little tiny room enough for a twin bed. That's all I had an addressor.

And I used to fuck so much in this room. I used to bring girls and just fucking eat ass and fucking just pl off to it. Just crazy shit. So this girl comes over my house. I had no TV at the time. That's how fucking rockin' I was with bitches. I didn't fuck TV. I didn't want to watch. I didn't know what was on TV. I used to fucking do comedy. That's it. And work with retards, deliver flowers, help fucking juvenile. We're gonna be through it. And workin' a fucking tight restaurant. But you're a rockstar. And psyched a psych your entire restaurant. But, you're a rock star. And psychedelic. I did.

I brought this girl in his room because he had a little TV and he had cable. And we're in there and we started fucking around. I just started banging this fucking broad. And I think I finger fucked it too hard at the beginning. I must have popped something. Dude, I'm fucking her and I could feel, we're in the dark, but I could feel the juice become fucking dry like it was wet then dry

Wet then I was like this isn't pussy juice. This is I turned the light on dude Like a murder it was a murder scene. It was like dexter Dude, I mean it was bad and I fucking panicked because this is a this is my gay room It's bad Dude I fucking I had to clean this this chick panic to she was just looking down at her body like the guy when an alien when I was sitting there screaming like fucking home alone just Fucking crazy I had to get paper cleaner vage Make sure she wasn't fucking hemorrhaging make sure like they would blooded stop Well, how do you know it just wasn't a period? I listen it wasn't a it was not a period

It was not a period this was she was I pregnant. I popped a fucking I popped something Something happened the cervix I clean this bitch up I put a pair he's off and I said all right get out I told it upbeat it. I was like take you need to go and make sure in an hour go to the I gotta I gotta clean I had to do laundry. I cleaned these fucking sheets, and I got it back on his bed before this cock-socket came home.

And he never knew that I fucking broke like a blood vessel and some chicks pussy on his gay bed. Wow. I was going down on my ex-girlfriend once. Well, it was probably one of the least bad things that ever happened on that guy's bed. Yeah. I was going down on my ex-girlfriend. But it was probably one of the least bad things that ever happened on that guy's bed. I was going down on my ex-girlfriend, and I was just fucking really going to town.

She got the period right in the middle of it, dude. So I came up, it looked like I was a werewolf that just fucking attacked a human. And like, fuck, it's on a hell of a niche. It's like a tightslock. It tastes great. You think it pennies? By the way, it is.

You think those's funny? By the way, this is it. You think that was definitely funny. Shine on and fucking say it was Jen's. I mean, I shouldn't have done that. I don't know. Should we edit out that long story? We do not edit. We can never edit it. Well, you should get married now, right?

She's better off without me. I was a terrible boy for her. Here's a deal for you. She had broken up with me. She's never gonna hear this. All right. Second of all, even if she does hear this, which somebody fucking rat you out and let's her hear this I mean he definitely said her last name who gives a fuck

No, no, I'm having second thoughts who gives a shit doesn't matter to you. You're real as dude She's getting mad dude if you didn't do that if you didn't do that and you guys stay together She might not have met the man of her dreams. That's how I look at Right, she's what it do she's a romantic eyes right right yeah like I said Dude I did some fucking crazy shit back and then we all did some fucked up shit like that dude I can't even get into the fucked up shit. I've done let's see what I want I did and you know what I'm glad I did all of it. I'm glad I did because I'm so glad that I have stories to tell my son Some day when he comes home and he goes dad. I'm gonna go dude Dude you want to hear a fight that's not a story this is a son listen up here you got a good you gonna fuck a girl a blowjob by the train

tracks I got my ass eaten and milked on a while a train went by I listen man we're gonna wrap this up OP thank, thank you for coming by, dude. This was fun, man. Yeah, we like the new studio. I like the fraternity house, yeah. You gotta get some bongs. We should get some bongs and actually, some bongs and shit. Some YKWD and those fraternity Greek letters.

Nice. So somebody make that. Make that on a t-shirt. I'll make it. It's a blessed city guy can make it, make it. And I don't even know if it'll open Anthony. I mean, do I have to promote that? Open radio.

Open radio, there we go. Open radio, Twitter, your videos. What did that get? Which one? Like the last one you did with me, the smell of the butt. It's doing all right. It's like 20,000 views.

Jesus Christ, man. My channel's got 48 million views. Oh my God. Yeah, man. It's like a TV station. It's cool We should have filmed something here today. I felt bad after that the video. Why? Here's your talk about the video. It's called smell my finger and body put it Fucking fingers in his own asshole After admitting that he didn't shower only took half a shit. I had a half a hemorrhoid hanging out

Yeah, half a shit still to go Sweaty ass putting his fucking ass and I beg them not to smell it. I beg you did yeah, I beg them don't do Iraq yeah, he smelled your fingers Felt out craft story of your Laps a rock collapse collapsed and hit his head Hit his fucking head. You're someone like that. You can just see his face change.

You know what happens? He's not the same person anymore. That's rape laughter. Bobby is. You know what I mean? I'll just tell that laughter. That's a rape laughter. They're gonna grow over a pinball machine.

Yeah. Oh, shit. Oh, I'm sorry. I put you in my YouTube search that's like 10 videos of you, you can, I know. And they're all great. I can't get enough of that. Two girls want cup, I'm not.

Remember the Gis trees? The Gis trees. I got them. I'm so glad that we talked about that on the show because then everybody was like, that was one of the things where everybody was like, what the fuck is that? And now everybody knows.

Early spring, when they start blossoming, those fucking white flowers in New York and they're all smells like fucking jizz. I'm walking on the street with my, yeah. I'm walking on, he came up with it. I'm walking on street with my life. And we started him up bad. And I thought she fuck, I'm like,

did you just suck dick in like Starbucks? Yeah. I like started smelling a chest. I'm like, did you just jerk somebody off for Starbucks? Yeah. I like started smelling a chest. I'm like, did you just jerk somebody off for a latte? I mean, and I just smell a chest. Because I was like, I thought somebody came on my wife. It just, these flowers smell like intense buckets of gizz. And I know you're talking about exactly.

I go into study, I told them about it. Then I go into study. You told us ahead of time. So we hit something in into studio. I told him about it Then I go to the studio. You told us ahead of time. So we yeah, we we hit something is Mike. I mean Hookline and sinker. He just got back from why he's all happy His vacation stories and man he smelled it smelled like somebody Can't like nine dudes just came in your nostrils It smelled like somebody Can't like nine dudes just came in your nostrils. Not even your mouth in your nostrils

God, this is a smell though. Oh my god. Did I said I used to use like this add a robe that I would clean up on my gizz with when I was a teenager A robe yeah, hold your nose when you swallow it. Is that what the thing is? Did it my robe after like a month it would start to smell like cotton candy like a carnival, right? That's what my just smells like Sean what do you what comics comic com com com com com com com com com com com com com com com com com com com that's why I wanted Jonna, you know, I've known you for a long time, I wanted you to come out and hang on and see what happens, talk about some shit. So, I'll be prepared for when we start the show. Huh?

What's that? I'll be prepared for when we start the show. What show? It's already started. Oh, man. But no, I'm glad you came on dude comics comic. It's very very if you guys if you guys are into comedy and you're in behind the scenes and and the articles and and not just going to see us live Sean is one of those guys who's you know is is one of the founders of this type of

Website is where you know they go in and they find out what's going on behind the scenes with comics, what's going on with comics. He writes great articles, he's very interesting and he loves the business and he loves the whole art of stand-up comedy. It's great website. So make sure you check it out. Thanks. He's one of my favorites.

Sorry, I'm going to just try this. Good. just try this. Oh my God. Oh you want to tell you a beautiful story about your Hawaii finesse? Like we cared about a stupid story. But this one is on the mic, look at his face. That's when the jizz tree flowers, whatever, were in the mic. I went to Hawaii and wanted to talk to people like that like a fucking. Yeah.

Welcome home, my name is I'm a fucking fucker. I'm sorry. I don't know if that played well in the party. And if you get, now that was great. I'm actually pretty sorry. If you, if you want to hear a lot of the puking from the

Illinois show, you can get my award winning 2012 comedy app of the year, Robert Kelly live. It's free on iTunes and you can get You can get all my sound boys dude, was that a pickle job? You can get all my sound voice. For free. Lewis, what are you going to be? I'm going to, we are actually starting to lead

in a gang's live at the Creek in the cave, starting February 5th. It's going to be a live podcast and comedy show every Tuesday night at 10 o'clock. Me, Big J.O. Gerson and Dave Smith. Love it. Thanks, bro. Love it.

And also go to hammer fishing dot com for the men. And then we podcast. I'm right cast. All the right cast show. Now the promote, you can promote man. And I'm a podcast. I'm right cast us all the right cast show. Now the promote you can promote that. Check out my MMA podcast on right cast.com hammer fishing podcasts. The best fucking podcast now. I'll tell you why I like your podcast.

You legitimate know what the fuck you're talking about MMA. All you guys and it's it's funny. And you guys are fucking out of your mind. You know, Vixback, huh? That's great. I love Vic. I wish you never left. We had a two-drogen my last night.

It was good. You guys argue you guys fight, but you guys talk about MMA and you know what the fuck you talk about. Can I play the Realize Do song on the background while everyone else gives their plugs? You can play it at the end. You know what I'll do? We'll go out with you. Send that to me. We'll play it out at the end. We'll just plug it into my phone. I'll just just listen to me. I'm gonna have this work. Okay. So, and plug the Ryakash show we're doing. Yeah, we're doing Ryke has live at the stand on February 26th. Me, Bobby Kelly, Kelly for Stuka, Jennifer Morrow, Rich Boss. What the fuck is Jennifer Morrow?

She's on Gloria. Oh. Rich Boss and then for quarantine's on it as well. Awesome. I was going to promote the Ryke has one as well. I'll do the only show next month. Yeah. That's so sad.

I got paid 50 bucks on Friday, not really. Oh, Kelly, I'm glad you're back. Yeah. I'm glad Kelly's back. I want to say something nice. She makes a really nice coffee. She does. She does.

She does. She was terrific. Kelly adds to the show what all you guys don't. Coffee. What? Sunshine? Sunshine. Kelly asked to this show what all you guys don't coffee what Lully Pops and then who you don't let her she's saying right We sing one more time Okay, just some sun shines Lully Pops and rain The other one that I was doing well that was the Santa music was Was it just a spoon full of sugar

I can't do it. I'm gonna say something but I think to me it gets cut she does stuff good for like two and a half seconds. I want to say something to you. This this business is moments these moments where somebody goes do it and you do it and you kill it and somebody like Oh, he goes holy shit I really like her and then it goes from there and you just missed out on a moment anyways The plugs I go you can go to the Twitter YKWD podcast and folks a Facebook is filled as well photos right and our videos all the video videos and photos are posted on the Facebook page YKWD like our page and follow us if you follow me follow YKWD and everybody on on that's on this show make sure

you do that okay and like the page on Facebook show we got you fill rock it out yeah this is my What's your name? You just said it. You'll prevent CO.com. Yep. And you know, great photos of you guys. And then I'm doing a new product with no one at the seller. So he's doing a comedy book with no one.

Nice. Oh, but you want photos of your kid or your family or whatever you have. Phil's, he takes the best photos. Nice. I'm fucking blue. He does carolines. He's doing here. And he does the, he is the fucking YKWD. Phil's I take the best photos nice I'm fucking believe does Caroline's He's doing here, and he does the why he is the fucking YKWD. I got Instagram. He's fucking

Thank head All right, we got you Kurt. What do you got oh Jimmy Fallon February 6 and inside Amy Schumer's coming out in April It's a show is right now and my sketch out is on with 14. That's's great who's like the best dude to hang out with on a shoot dude. Oh, Dota. It's great, man. You know, who cares? I'm a real like I'm saying I was hurt. But I really like fucking go. It's because the worst guy to hang out with. All right, great. And then make sure you go to our sponsors Amazon.com and Gamefly go to YKWD on riotcast.com anything you buy off the internet any of the gadgets I talk about on tech talk go to our Amazon link and buy from there we make money they make money you're happy because you get your shit and you're supporting this beautiful show that you love so much it also do it on

the hammer fishing page no you can't don't actually now don't go to his page. Oh, come on. Don't go to his shows. Dude. All right. So, um, And then, uh, if you play video games like me, don't buy the fucking games. Don't be an asshole. Go to GameFlies.com slash YKWD. Join. That's a two week free trial. Do you like it? I love it. I love it. You use YKW. How fast do you get your game, though, when it's from now? Day. A day. So the day it's released, it will be in your door, so.

Yes. Really? No. But yes. I think there's the whole way. Here's the best part about it. It's like Netflix. So you can buy the game, try it, play it,

and if you don't like it or you like it or you beat it, get another game. You don't have to $60 a pop every other week when a game comes out. That's pretty taxing. I do trade them, and I don't have a problem with them. pop every other week when a game comes out that's pretty taxing I do trade them and I don't have a problem with them. Yeah, well, you know, I'm not into trading it and I spent six You now give me five dollars go fuck yourself. I'd rather go to game fly Um, so make sure you go to our website on ryecast.com check out all the other craze Our network is the best network out there on a give a shit hands down funniest shows and most interesting shows

It's not the same show over and over and over again a bunch of guys like podcast Yeah, it's fucking it we got Bailey J show that's a the Gmail with our husband what we have weird medicine with Dr. Steve We got Davey Max sports show. We got hammer fisting, okay? Which boss and buddy Macphalen we got why men why men suck in bed? I am why you suck in bed. I do suck in bed now. I though used to be great mad scientist party hour What else we got my show? We got glory hole metal comedy the Jersey jerks, which I fucking they're hilarious Make sure you check them out. It's free. It's fucking free Get the app off of I've iTunes for the iPhone and the iPad, the Ryecast app, you get 12 of the fucking funniest

Podcasts out there on the internet for free every week over 15 hours of entertainment for nothing. So make sure you get the app Android app is coming out soon Again, it's all for nothing. Check it out spread the word you guys are awesome Make sure you go to my website robbercadilive.com and find out where I'm playing near you. I'm going to be in shit the house of comedy in Bloomington, Minnesota. Fuck is that April I don't know what the fuck it is you know what fuck it just go to my website you know what the fuck I am get my app get my fucking app that's it you guys are great thanks you're checking out the podcast this week this was was a great one. I fucking love it.

Yeah. Got a lot of shit on. You don't know how to end a podcast, do you? Get out, get out, get out, what's this? Get out, get out, what's this? Get out, get out, what's this? Get out, get out, get out, what's this? Get out, get out, what's this? With Bobby and Fritz. All right, welcome to Tech Talk with Bobby and Fistika. I like that. It's still friends.

Come on. No, it's not just me and you. You only have one friend, Singulin Al. Oh, God. Everyone likes it. Everyone's fucking bad idea. I'm sorry. Anyways, I'm doing a little tech talk.

We're getting back into the setting in the show. I don't give a shit. I'm getting this done, because I have a lot of great company sent me a lot of great shit okay so this week's tech talk with bobby and friends oh god we're i'm just go to rosa so bad i really do

it's tech talk with bobby and friend thank you this week we're gonna be doing this. It's Moss. M-O-S. Okay, it's, I love it. I fucking love this thing. What is it, Bobby? It's a magnetic organizing system.

M-O-S, you can get them off of Amazon.com at riotcast.com slash Robert Kelly on the YKWD page. Just hit the amazon button and you can get these they come in silver almost like the uh... i the uh... uh... apple mac mac book titanium comes in black and it also comes in white i bought three of them the white in the black are nineteen ninety nine the titanium is

forty bucks i don't get it Black are 1999. The titanium is 40 bucks. I don't get it. I don't understand why. I guess because everybody wants titanium because it looks badass and it looks great on a table or a desk. But the white and black are fine, okay? The black, the white actually fades in.

You don't even know it's there. But I bought three of them. I bought two white and one black. And what it is, it's basically, look at all these wires. See all this stuff now I had to tie this wire my Macbook my MacBook Air wire around this other thing so it doesn't fall off and on the floor and then I got the USB Thing for the zoom falls off everything falls off mine fell off ones over there. I can't get it right Well now you don't have to worry about it because with this

Magnetic magnetic organizing system looks so statric If I kind of like the way it does look but here it is it's a magnet Oh god, we fucking Kelly fucked up the show I'm blaming Kelly. It's on video. So she did something she held that up and it stopped it's the Kinecton So she did something she held that up and it stopped All right, here we go. So this is what it is. It's the MOS moss. I don't like the word moss some reason It just thinks the MOS the magnetic organizing Organization system. They're 1999 on Amazon and this is what it does it basically you take all your devices and you can And this is what it does it basically you take all your devices and you can

Put this and it keeps them all Keeps them all from falling off the desk. It's a cool little thing. It's 20 bucks and it keeps all your MacBook Pros or your computer Chargers your iPhone charges your Galaxy, your Bluetooth speaker chargers, whatever you have plugged into the wall that usually falls on the floor and gets stepped on and fucked up and it's all discombobulated.

It keeps it right, nice and neat on your desk. I love these things, I fucking love it. I bought three of them, I have one at my office, I have one here now, I gave one to my wife, even if you have one cord, which is your MacBook or your computer cord that falls on the ground, you get a bend over, pick it up, you get a find it, it's just a nuisance.

And this thing sticks to the, and on the bottom of it, it has this little, if you look inside here, it has a little sticker that sticks, you can actually stick it to any surface. Or if it's metal, if it's metal table, you can actually stick it to it. It'll stay stuck because it's magnetic. And if you have something accord that doesn't have metal on it, you can actually apply these little things and these are magnets too.

So you can make any cord magnetic and stick to it with these little cord pinches right here. So anything, it doesn't have to be a metal little iPhone or MacBook Pro thing. So make sure you check it out. It's on Amazon, M.O.S., magnetic organization system. If you have a bunch of cords that are getting in your way and look like shit, get one of these, put it next to your desk and fucking be a god damn human being instead of a savage.

Talkin' to the microphone. With cords everywhere. You really stick a tech talk. Next week, next week we're gonna be actually, next week on tech talk, we're gonna be doing, we're gonna be reviewing actually next week on Tech Talk we're going to be doing we're going to be reviewing this. Oh I love this. This is my mini iPad. What? Fucking right here. Look at that. It's a mini iPad holder. Hold your iPad. It attaches onto anything. Round surfaces, square surfaces and you can move it any way you want. I have this in here. So when I'm doing the show, I can actually show people stuff, turn it around,

I can check Twitter, whatever the fuck I want right from here on my mini iPad. It fits perfectly and it pops right out. So when you come into the studio, I can pop it in, pop it right the fuck out. I'm actually doing it now. I'll be waiting next week, but this is what we were reviewing next week. I love this fucking thing so next week reviewing this and a special review give me that I can't wait for that one I got out boom close up on that. That's gonna be good next week reviewing this The I'm watch so tune in the tech talk with Bobby and So tune in the tech talk with Bobby and friends. Next week on the You Know What Podcast. If you have any questions or constructive criticism or suggestions for the YKWD podcast,

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You guys are fantastic. Thank you so much. You are so beautiful. To me. But to me... You know what I'm getting? Where this comes from, it's coming from, it's coming from You know what I'm getting? Really, really, really, really You know what I'm getting? Are you stuck in a stick?

Don't stop filming my face. Don't stop filming my face. Don't stop filming my face.