Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Back To The Tape

Episode Date: August 26, 2019

This episode comes at you hot with guests Rich Vos and Matthew Broussard! We talk The boys, auditions and survival tactics! This episode is brought to you by MyBookie. For all your betting needs this season, check out MyBookie.com, use promo code YKWD and they’ll double your first deposit - http://bit.ly/YKWDpod  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I don't hear the music. Oh, fuck it. Hello. Anyways, we're supposed to be using the new intro. Mike forgot to tell Zach. I love when you tell somebody something that they're supposed to do. You go, what about the new and they go, and then they go, you're right, I fucked up. I like that. It's almost like when a dog, when you go, when it tries to bite, and you go, and they roll over I fucked up. I like that. It's almost like when a dog When you go when it tries to bite and you go and they roll over in their belly. I like that They've met wrong name big rock anyways today's episode is brought to you by

My bookie for all your betting needs of this season check out my bookie use promo code YKWD And they'll double all your first deposits you You play, you win and you get paid. Check it out. All right, so we have a very special, you just spilled, right? No, a little knoll quantera, but I wiped it up. I really, it's like having my son here. It's like having my six year old. Oh, is it?

Yeah, because they got a six year old drink coffee. Oh, you drink milk, chocolate milk. Chocolate milk. And he's got, I gotta get it. Look, you just spilled it again. Oh is it? Yeah, because you're gonna drink coffee. Oh, you're drink milk. Chocolate milk. Chocolate milk. And he's gonna, I gotta get it. Look, you just spilled it again. Oh, I guess. What? Hey, I didn't bring the, I didn't ask for the coffee. You did. Oh, my God. No, she just throw me under the bus. What? Don't you dare? First of all, say, first of all, because you never have a second. I don't just say it. Just say it. She's been all over the world, sending Facebook pictures on on beaches and in all over Europe and

she was naked in my tent in your tent. Yeah, she posted a photo of her in my tent. That's not my fault. You gave me the tent. Yeah, but don't get naked and post photos of it. I don't want to see that. Don't follow me. If you unf to follow me, I swear to God. Then you only have four followers. Come on. Where were you? What places did you go to? I was in London, Israel, upstate, New York. Those are equivalent. You know, three places that go together. Tennessee. Congratulations. Thank you so much. Excuse me. Interviewer, can we start the show

before you start going into your questions? I just had a couple things. I wanted to divert away from the coffee. Yeah, okay. Well, you are like a six-year-old. You diverted me. Rich Voss is in the house. I do your job.

I'm sorry, I'm taking your job. Introduce everybody. We have Matthew Brissard and we have rich Voss There you go. There's your job. I did a great job. You did so good. You did so good Like it you said both the name. You said both the names. I think you could redo it. I tried again Matt. I mean I'm gonna use the text originally now in New York giving up for Matthew Brissard Okay, look at that no good. Ooh, I like that one more. And you know I'm from the Vosrose.com,

ladies and gentlemen, Rich Vos. We don't do Vosrose.com anymore. That's so old, we don't do that anymore. Do my wife hate you? No, we don't do that. Or do a creature kid's. That's who we promote. Or Uncle Vinnie's.

No, you don't do fucking anymore. I'm just saying that we're gonna help him out. No, help us out, help you out. I've been helping us out. No, you know, you get a problem. Oh, not him. I've been sending videos. Yeah, but the videos been good,

but you still promote Vos Roastock. No, I didn't. He did. I said not to. It's all, I don't tell people don't go to Vos Roastock. So am I. Don't, don't buy it. Don't buy it.

It's not worth it. It stinks. It stinks. Go to creeps with kids. I don't, he said it, not it. It's stinks. It stinks. Go to Creeps with Kid's Doc. I don't, he said it, not me. Yeah, but you could have said when he said, and I did say Creeps with Kid's Doc. Third.

No, I did that first thing. No, you didn't. He said, back to the tape. He said, and I said, Creeps with Kid's Doc. Back to the tape. What do we find? Is it 78? There's no tape, you fucking idiot.

We had something. I'll tell you, those promo pictures, tape rewinding, one of my robber moeums. No, don't. I wish I was. Oh, sorry. How great are those pictures? Look at that picture right there.

Yeah, well, cruiserkids.com, Boston, few tickets left. Get on it. I wish I wish you had a tour name with more asses in it just to watch Rich's struggle. Oh, I don't with more asses in it just to watch rich struggle I didn't struggle on struggle stupid Love you, It's okay. It doesn't really matter.

What do you mean you don't use your talk to middles? But here's the thing. It's not a middle. What is he? He's a fucking MC. You're from Texas? Yeah, yeah. And they found out you're such, and you left, what happened?

I was wrong. He's not gay. You know, he's deers and... You're married, right? He's married. Live with my girlfriend. He's not gay. You know, he's tears and... You're married, right? He's married. Live with my girlfriend. He has a girlfriend. I do. Oh. What are you doing?

I'm asking, I don't know his life. He don't sing. You get no Terry Gross on me. No, you see her question. Oh, you're thinking. No, I'm not thinking that only. There's this girlfriend Bob. Where are you living, Queens?

I'm from... No, I mean... A lot of comics living, Queens of Brooklyn, right? Yes. That's good. Yes, such a piece of shit. We live Queens. No, I was nice. He started with me. He went after me.

We all talk. We all do that. And you know what, it is true. You did attack him on his bridge. Out of the gate. Out of the gate. I'm just here, mind all do that. And you know what, it is true, you did attack him on his bridge, out of the gate. Out of the gate, I'm just, I'm here, mine in my vision. I'm strong offensive strategy.

Yeah, he's right, but look how good looking he is. So, I mean, what? What? Wow. Wow, what's gonna, I mean, yeah, he's gonna look like shit in his 30s. But right now,

he's fantastic. You're like 31. 31, it's coming. Okay, yeah. I'm a half white trash, half Jewish, so it's gonna fall apart. Oh, yeah, I remember that. So that's why it's a part I like 31 31. Yeah, it's coming. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm a half white trash half Jewish. So it's gonna Oh, yeah, I remember that. That's why it's a part I like about you Okay, he's a wink Martin Dale Explain it. I'll explain it. He's calling you a game show host. Oh, that's a good. Yeah, it's a good look

Really so you go to fucking France. And now you know funny. Set your mouth. For a minute, a minute. That's great. That's it. I'm seeing the pictures now. That's a very good. Yeah, that's very good. That's a look like a 38. He was good looking when he was young. Wink Martin. So is he? That is a compliment now to get a game show. You'd be fine with that. You wouldn't want a game show. I hear that. Here's a name.

So expected for for someone like me. Yeah, but there you go. With your chin or soap opera. Would you do a soap opera? I don't think there's any left. I'd do a soap opera. Yeah. Yeah.

That'd be cool, right? You're fine. Soboppers, the hardest gig in Chobas. Why? Because you have to learn it so, Barbara. Yeah. Yeah. That'd be cool, right? You're fun. So, Barbara's the hardest gig in Chobus. Why? Because you have to learn new lines every day. Yeah, but you're running them on. Does it have a problem? Does it matter?

That's true. Oh, that's a gig. It doesn't matter. It's still hard. It's like a game show. It's hard. You have to learn lines. You have to learn the scenes every single day.

That's crazy. That's crazy hard. Anything else you get time to learn the lines. SNL, you get a whole week and still you have a prompt through you. Yeah. That's a hard gig, man. They have prompters too for everybody. Oh, SNL has cards. NBC does cards for all their productions. That's for the host, you mean not for the sketches. For the sketches, everyone. Yeah. Yeah. Because they have a card writers writers union like the every show has to be that and Apparently they're all really good at their job and there's like a specific way of writing

The learn yeah, I went on a NBC studios tour, you know, I got from the tonight show I kept my my my cards. Oh, I have those yeah any time I've ever done Anything on TV, you know, we're stand up like I heaven. I always had a monitor just in case to fall back on. You know, when you do specials, when I did my back in the day, I always had a monitor going, just in case. I never had that. You think?

You know, because I just want to time, because if I looked up and I fucked something up, I would fuck everything else up. No, I stopped. I did a bit once on the special, and I didn't like it. I did it three times until I got it right on the special. You should.

Yeah, but for you, Michelle did it three times. Two weeks ago when she did a special, she fucked up two jokes. She stopped, went back and just redid him. Yeah, just did him and they laughed. I did that at the, Mike, just, just, just a follow-up. I won't we did comics and novels. Didn't I talk about that last week? A little bit. on, I want we did comics and honest.

Didn't I talk about that last week? A little bit. Yeah, I read it. I think, yeah, if you're doing a special, you should absolutely get it right. There's nobody's gonna know. Tell them and redo it and get it right. You're talking about countdown clocks that you really like?

No. Like if you're doing your special, right? You ever do TV? Like a, not like a tonight show, but like a, like a, like a, like a, I did a half hour, yeah. Alright, half hour. If you're in your special, right? You ever do TV? Like a, not like a tonight show, but like a, like a, like a, like a, I did a half hour, yeah. Alright, half hour. If you're in the middle of your half hour

and you fuck up your joke, you do it again. Stop and go, look, I fucked the joke up. I need to do it again. Cause I just redo it. And they're never, the audience, that audience will know, but the people who watch it will have no idea. I hear the other thing when you do those specials, it doesn't matter now because we don't, I'm not doing them again.

Because they cut them so much, you have to pause because you're going to cut between and go to a commercial. So if you fly to your next bit, it might be fucked up. You heard what the legendary story of what it tell did. I think it was for one of his like, Comedy Central specials. No tap. He's just, he's on stage and at one point, you it was for one of his like comedy central specials. No tap. He's on stage and at one point, he takes off his jacket, sets it down.

And at one point, he just moves the stool, he goes, just doing that for continuity. That's funny. He's just a fuck with the editor so they couldn't change stuff too much. He moved the stage around. Ah, it's funny. Yeah.

I wish I had known that one. At my half hour taping, I just went through the whole thing and knew they would edit it and cut it at the end. They said, you wanna go back out, you flubbed the setup, you wanna go back out and just do the setup. And I was like, sure, and I walk out. And it was the most comfortable I've ever felt

on stage in my life. It was like, I widened the new flip for the whole thing. The first TV show I ever did was Jack Benny. Yes, a comedy on Now it was funny. I like it. I like it was it take you five minutes to get a fucking joke I mean I like his reaction. Yeah, but you're reaction I was laughing I was reacting to his reaction. I like it. I don't know who all these people I mean if you want to shut in Hollywood learn to fake it a little bit. Okay. Yeah I learned a history of your craft

He's defending a slam to him. So I was doing it. Would you just wake up? Yeah. I was doing that. That's all I need. I'll take that. I'll take that.

I was doing this in common on a road. You should do it around the country. I remember it. So I really don't. They would introduce me, but they kept fucking up in whatever. And I sat there to audience saw me getting ready to go up. They fucked up. They fucked up five times.

So I walked halfway, back halfway, back. So by the time I got up there to audience already liked me because they saw what I went through just to get up there because they kept fucking up something back. And it was, it was so easy. You know what I mean? I was so scared, so scared it was unbelievable. You can't do that on the, like a late night set. Yeah. That's the one. That, those are fucking terrifying. Because if you're bombing a late night set, you know comics are watching. Oh, I was bombing on Keenan. So Keenan, I'm going to tell you this story. I was on Keenan.

So the tape was like eight at night or seven. This one I had a lot of the anxiety too. I was going through a lot of shit going on. A lot of the anxiety. So the happy, that's why he has the rings by the way. So the happy, he was made a copper and they cure his anxiety. So they, that was good.

I like that. Well, you kid, that was LA life. So I'll take it. So thanks. the show was I get eight o'clock and they had me there one o'clock or two o'clock. And I'm in this fucking dressing room all day having an anxiety attack. Oh, I mean, made it because I'm thinking, okay, so now this is an urban audience. So now they go to ready for you, right? So standing at it and you say Keenan. Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, we understood that. Thompson, right? Yeah.

So I'm standing backstage. There was another 45 minutes I stood backstage. Jesus. 45 minutes. I'm fucking having a heart. So my intro, because anybody would have a, it's not just your anxiety, I'd be dying at that point. My speed would hurt.

So, so it's an urban crowd. So my my intro was he was the first white comic on Dev Jam. That was the intro. So they intro me. Our comic tonight was on Dev Jam. So now they think a black comics coming. So I come out and they're going, who the fuck is he? Right? I'm fucking eating it. semi eating it and I yell to the audience, I go, look, what could say? I went from plan A to plan me. I go, look, folks, you got here for free. If you want to see Martin Lawrence spend a hundred bucks for free, you get me. And then I started going into my own plan. Right. And I salvage it because I got rid of what they told me to do.

Yeah. And I just started doing fucking club work. But it was fucking, it was scary for us. Right, scary. And same carifying to bomb on television, because you know it's forever. Yeah. It's just forever. It's not going away.

It's always gonna be, when you bomb at a club, when you're somewhere and you're taking a hot one. It's like, all right, I'm just going to have to, I'm going to have to just get through this tonight. I hope, I hope it is the second show. And you just have to go back to the old tower and call nine other comics and tell them what happened before they find out. Well, that, my keen and set might be gone for forever. That, Kenan, that's probably on the internet. Oh, it's out there. It's out there. It wasn't I saved the bomb. I saved it. We've had a judge of that. Well, it doesn't matter. I will find it. That's cool that you would. I would just stay the course. No way. You got to go to

plan B. A. A. is not working. Fuck them. Were you scripted though? Did you have to like something? Yeah, me. Everything. When I did Kimmel, they came down right before I was going on and said, you can't do this one joke. choke I go you can't tell me that right now And I had a drop to choke right before I was going on. It was an old joke I do I go in the one sit Indian style. Yeah, and they go they go and Go and say that anymore. No, no, this was back then But they go well we have an Indian girl that works with us. I go Native American, they go, no, Indian. I go, it's not even about, it's about Native American.

You fucking Indian. Yeah. Can you believe that? You can't say a joke because somebody, somebody one person works for you that's Indian. But it wasn't the right Indian. I know, you're talking land to lakes. Yeah, yeah.

That when you pull up, you can make ditch out of her knees. I told you that. I told you that that I was having a van as you about banging her. We were banging by a river. Oh, so hot here, a little teepee. I mean, her fucking and hay. And then I woke up, I was making up with my wife. I was like, oh, my wife.

Let me and Marv had to have sex. Say, fuck. I need your opinion. I'm putting out another more sexy. Let me know if I'd have sex. Say fuck. I need your opinion. I'm putting out another album. Quit the business. I'm sorry. No, you're saying that, true. I'm listening to it today.

I'm cutting the tracks, right? You're putting out another album. Yeah. Can you put it out after a tour so you're not promoting it during the tour? I won't promote it. I'm just going to, I want it for, what do you call for?

For what? For sound exchange. I want to just get it on serious. Can you not promote it? I'm not promoting it. I'm not, yeah, I'd even think about it, because I don't like it as much as I like my last one. Neither did I. Go ahead.

See, you've been so negative and I've been positive here today. I know, but that's how funny works. It's the two things. It's a ying and a yang. Oh, okay. So how do I fit into this? I don't know. I'm trying to get this show moving. He's as tired as a fucking old lady and a bus. I know. I know.

I'm coming down off Adderals. It's a fucking snap out of it. Okay, Mr. Pleasant. Come on. Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus. What the fuck? So you're making an album Really is again gay talk show host on Bravo. It's just bored with us. We used to watch so many shows on Bravo Go back to your out my TV has AIDS I brought it back. One of our co-workers is gay.

You can't say that. Who's gay? One of our co-workers is gay. And you can't say that, Jim. And Indian. It's like to write up. And he looks at his head's the size of his TV. He's not gay.

I know. Nobody in the trimmer's gay. I don't know. He's not gay. I have an executive gator if I am. What is that mean? We have to talk about your, you do have gay tendencies. We have to talk about your, you do have gay tendencies.

We have to talk about where they came from. But I wanna hear about your dumb album. I don't like it as much. All right, but that's all you're gonna say about it? Yeah, that's it. That was the business. This is brilliant marketing. Like you never said the name of it.

This is it, this is him selling it. He's like, yeah, you don't wanna hear it. Like, come on. Yeah. Now I want to. I'm cold while there was two names, but I'm going with a, I'm going to show you the album cover.

Nope. Okay. What is it? It's just, it's called Legend. You can see Legend on Marquis, but it's like after, I was just called Ledge and you were on a ledge. It's like, it's like after like a nuclear explosion. I'm just sitting out there looking at the ground. Why are you a legend though?

Why would you be I don't know because that's it? So everybody with the roast everybody. That's your theme. So everybody because why go around the roast again? So he plugged it. No, I didn't say boss rose calm. I The old did so listen because whenever I go on the road people I can't help it. That's what they call I've done So many things business stop you don't know what they call. I've done so many things. They don't call me as business. Stop. You don't know what they call them. They call you nice things. Listen, they call you a legend because you've called yourself a legend.

All it's all it's started. You know what you're in a pool? Guess what? Guess what Jeff Ross did. Call them self-derosamaster. Guess what he is now. Yeah. The Rosemaster.

Yeah. Okay. Okay. You know when you're in a pool and you kind of just keep going around in the circle and you create like a whirlpool That's not a real whirlpool That's just something that you made it is yeah everything in this business is created stupid We're creators. Why do you call me stupid because you're stupid because we're creators. We're creators you go I've never hated somebody more than you.

It's okay. It's a love hate. It's a yank and a yank. It's how you're working. So that's all you have to say. So your thing is called legend. But this is what I understand. You're on top of a building looking down on it.

I'm on rubble. Okay, you're on rubble. Everybody's dead. So what are you for you to become a legend, everybody has to die. Pretty much. What? Well, we weren't gonna name it,

because I bring back the play Hamilton. Yeah. And I was gonna call it when I was at Hamilton. It was something like that, right? It was too wordy. Well, whatever, Hamilton, but then you'd have to listen to the whole CD to know that all the callbacks. So you don't want them to listen to the whole thing? No, but if you send have to listen to the whole CD to know that all the callbacks.

So you don't want the listen to the whole thing? No, but if you send it to serious, you're only playing a track at a time. So it doesn't make sense. I'm legend is for, I would think legend would be for an album you love. Legend would be, that's the name of an album we like to do. This is my, this is the motherfucker right here.

And it, excuse me. Sir, come on, Mike. That's what I think. I like it, that's okay. You're giving legend to an album, you don't even really like. Well, I'm not gonna do another one. I mean, how many? Yeah, I already got six.

It's pretty legendary to name an okay album legend. Yeah, plus he's not gonna be around for another one. Yeah, probably not. Oh God, I'm sorry. Don't say that. Jesus Christ. You just did. I know, but you're really at the age where it might happen. I've lost a lot of friends.

Um, well, God bless you. There you go. Is there another album title? I, maybe I'll do another album title. I don't know what to, I don't know. No, he asked if there's another title. Well, we're going to do the Hamilton thing. Oh, just call it Hamilton? No. I don't know what to I don't know he asked if there's another title. Well, we're gonna do the Hamilton thing.

Just call it Hamilton. No, I have a legal. That's illegal. Let me find if you just named your thing after a really like the Lion King. Lin-Man, well, my man, the present. The Lion King. You play. Yeah, there you go. I get it gonna present. Yeah, Lion King. You are playing, yeah, there you go, I get it, yeah. You're genius. Have you been watching Successions? No, I've been, I watched the boys again.

You like it? You watch it twice? The best, yeah. So fucking good. It's so good. The whole glitter is the shit. What is it? Home lander.

Yeah. Yeah, spoiler alert, if you haven't seen the boys, we're gonna spoil everything right now. No, I'm not gonna. Why? It's too good. You have to fuck them. Oh, he's fucking. He's so, look at him. His acting, he's so arrogant and cocky because you can't kill him.

That's the greatest part about these superheroes. About home landers. There's nothing you can do to him. There's no kryptonite. There's nothing. Well, can't they do him like they did the invisible guy? Well, they imply that if that plane had crashed, he would have died in the plane crash. Who? He did. He wouldn't have died. He implied it had to get off or he would have got at least gotten fucked up. No, he implied that they would have been seen on the plane. Yeah, I know he applied. Well, this is why I love it too, is there?

I'm going to spoiler. They're going up to save this plane full of people that has been hijacked. He rips the door off the plane, which you can't do because everybody will fucking just pass out or get sucked out. Not necessarily. They did it in Mythbusters. Oh, really? Yeah.

It would pull a couple of people near the door out of the plane, but once you got pressurized and got air, you would be somewhat safe. Yeah, really? Yeah, that's what happened when those windows got sucked out of the southwest air. Right, yeah, pulled, yeah. It yanked one woman's like half her body out the window.

Oh, really? Yeah, she died. Yes. Oh. But she was old. But she was old. Yeah, what's that? What's that?

It only had her body. Because she was the top half. Yeah. Yeah, mushed your head through the window, does. Oh, and you're being vacuumed out. Yeah, like a lot. Yeah, I've ever seen like a dog sick it's had a moving window. I was like, they were going 700 miles an hour.

Ah, yeah. So far he has nothing. I was like, great. I said, did you die? You went, yes. It was a perfect pause. And a perfect sarcastic, yeah. I literally heard dummy. Man has home lander face.

I'm bitter with all of this. I have auditioned for two characters on that show. Oh, what? I did not audition for home lander. The speedy guy, A-Train. I auditioned for A-Train and then Archer. One of the Archer characters who appeared just in like one episode.

Oh yeah, A- a change, great. A change, great. Yeah. Yeah. You would have been Aquaman. Aquaman looks just like you. The Aquaman is. And that was all Hawaiian.

He's right. Oh, the deep, put the deep on the show. Oh, the deep. Oh, yeah. Jason Ramoa. He's right. On this, we'll talk about. We do look alike.

We'll talk about this show, the boys. Aquaman called the deep I look like the character bring up bring up the actual cast from the show not the actual comic book But yeah, the deep looks just like you He's a piece of shit L.A. I Self-tapped. Oh you did both. Thank you. I would have went to LA for that one I would have flown to LA if you really wanted to be that you had to be in the room for that. It's true Yeah, yeah, but that guy is

Self tape. I don't even think they look it's I guarantee you they tape over it. They don't even look it You know Hotel room and Portugal it was awful. Can we just stop please? Why it's not tape tape. I know time I still said, be. Yes. They watch tape. Maybe that's where you're not getting anything. Hey, does it mean a VCR to watch the legend? I said sketches.

But the reason why I like to show is that even like when they were, he goes on this plane, he's trying to save the Wonder Woman character in him. And he fucking lasers. Oh, he's fucking guys with his laser eyes. And then he goes into the cockpit and there's a guy in there who didn't know about. He winds up just laser in him and cutting through the fucking dashboard of the plane. Now the plane's useless. It's crashing. She's like, just push it up and he goes, if I push the plane up, I'll go right through it. Cause like in the real super memory,

he gets the plane and he would go like physics. Yeah, because you'll be a pivot point. Yeah. Why don't get it? Start again. Why would you go into it? Why would you go? It's, the pressure would take the whole plane

is the weight of the plane, but it's being applied over the service area of two hands. Which would be a massive PSI. And it would just press, it would either, the plane wouldI, and it would just press, it would either, the plane would either dip or it would just press right through the hole. That's really good physics.

So, they thought about that. Like, in all these other movies, you're like, oh, he sued man, carried the plane down and saved all the planets. Even if he went and grabbed like an iron man and started just shuttling people down to earth, he wouldn't save them all, and he'd be ratted out by the ones that he saved.

So he murdered everybody. He's a fucking little kid and you said, and he's like a pedophile, right? No, no, no, no, no, he might, no, I don't think so. No, he's gay. The different bisexual. Who is bisexual? He's not bisexual. You didn't see him in the scene when they were in the bar.

He was making out with a guy. That wasn't him. Yes, it was. It was stretch man. Don't know who you're talking about. It was that was stretch man. The religious guy that wasn't him. Yes, it was. It was stretch man. Yeah, the religious guy who does stretchy share stretch man. I was jerking on the wrong guy. Yeah, is it you a Zeke you know, is the gay guy. I know. It's way better than the comic. The comic is kind of goes nowhere. Oh, this show is fuck it. That's cool. It's ambitious to make this new. That's not even the fuck. I mean, there's stuff in it. There's around 10. What the fuck?

The best way to be getting when he ran. That was a scene. I had to tape that. That's a hard scene. He just dashes through it is like, oh shit. He's covered in like flakes of a woman. Like, you did that? Confetti, what's that? You did it? I did that in my basement with my girlfriend and killing herself, I don't have it on me. Can you do it right now? No, I don't think I'm gonna go live.

I don't think I'm gonna go live. Boss will be the guy holding the hands and you just run through. I'm bad at it. Can you get this on camera? Okay, stand up, boss. You're the guy holding hands. He's gonna run through.

Okay? Don't take a sip of coffee. What the fuck? What is that matter? Why? Are you that controlling? Can I have a sip of my coffee? I mean, just like my grandmother. I gotta get a sip before I do a sip. Yeah, well, what happens if he runs into me and knocks me out? No, no, I just throw you girl in, not you. I know. You're holding the hands of the girl. Now you have to act that you'd girlfriend just go, it's splattered on you. Yeah, all right. So you come that way, Voss, you hold the hands right there

out and he's gonna run by, move the mics. All right, yeah, all right, go ahead, ready? And I'll yell, actually, okay? We're auditioning right now. Matt's stretching. We're, so you're talking to your girl. How much you love her? Can you hold the mic up to him?

Mike? Just turn the mic towards him. Just hold the mic towards him. Not with the thing. And pull that back. Okay, here we go. Ready? And this is the scene right now.

Go ahead. We're going to move in together. You know how much we love each other. I don't look at the camera. I'm the camera. I'm looking at her. I'm connected. I'm gonna get an eyeline. Get an eyeline. Yeah, there you go. Okay, yeah, right here. Here's your outline. This is the girl. This is the girl. Right here. Here's your outline. Here's your outline. This is your eye line. Doesn't matter. This is your outline. this is the girl right here. Here's your highlight. Here's your highlight. Oh, you're right there. This is your highlight. Doesn't matter, this is your highlight. Turn your body, but keep it your eye, we're gonna cheat.

Now turn that way a little bit. It's called cheating in the business. Now look that way. Just use your head, don't turn your body that way and just turn your head this way. I'm going in. All right, right there. But keep your hands in front of you.

Hold on. This file leads to the end of the AIS. Put your hands in front of you. I watch, turn that way and face him. I can't believe you don't know what the fuck. Get me! Turn towards him. I am.

No, everything. Fate your arms. I am your girlfriend right here. Stay there. And then just get and deliver it to that way, all right? And good. And action. I love you, honey.

I can't believe you. What? Hey. I love you honey. I I I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I, he was like, I can't stop, I can't stop. What a great fucking job. When he, here's the thing, he's holding hands, it's such a love scene.

And those, I always fast-forward. Anytime people have sex in a TV show or a movie, I don't want to see it. Yeah, you're right. I don't want to see it. I don't want to see him in the bathroom. I don't want to see it. Neat, you're why. I don't want to see it. I don't want to see him in the bathroom. You don't want to see a side breast. I don't want to see it. I don't want to see making out and she's on top

and blah, blah, it's boring. I know, it's ridiculous. I need two seconds of it. Kissing and then waking up in the bed. I need to see it. I agree with you. Does anyone here like that? No. I love it. Kissing and then waking up in the bed. I need to see it. I agree with you. Does anyone here like that? No. No. I love it. Really? Yeah. Why? A full sexy in a show. Are you watching one now on your phone? Yeah. What if there's a

porn? Yeah, it's fun. It's like a sexy little moment thrown in a narrative that you're into. No, it's not. It's just's just waste. And anytime somebody sitting on a toilet, it's, I hate it. Why? I like that. I, I make it more real. Yeah. No, I, it's gross. I don't, I think it's fine. When a girl sitting on a toilet, she's like, honey, I think it's hilarious. No, she could be looking in the mirror, anything but you. Would you rather see a woman taking a dump or having a love scene? I'd rather, I'd rather see a woman dumping on some guy's chest. That was a great scene. I really, I'd rather see a woman jumping on some guy's chest. I don't know. Love.

It's not enough. You can't do that. That was a great scene from the boys. You can't do that. I'd rather see. I don't want to see that. That's why it's like saying, go ahead. That's why this thanks.

That's why this scene turned. Thanks. That's why this scene was so great because you were headed for that dumb, mushy moment that they always have on TV shows where they establish how close this stupid couple is. And then a guy, a superhero ran through her and left just her dumb hands. He's holding her stupid hands. And he's just just in his her blood is all over his face And he's just like what law and he had nothing to say he's like, I'm sorry man And he just took off it was a head run

But his girlfriend turned a mush. I think it was one of the greatest things I've ever seen Probably one of the best scenes until the vision this year because it snapped me the fuck out of the greatest things I've ever seen. It's probably one of the best scenes until the vision this year. Because it snapped me the fuck out of the horse show. It just showed us when Emmys, it's so fucking good. That Emmys had done, dude. Emmys, all the war shows, they're done. I'm just saying, they're not, you know, they're not doing the comics anymore. They're just doing hosts like actor hosts.

They said it, no comics. Yeah. Because no comics are hard. You have to come and heart Michelle Wolf, everyone's just a coward. No, they don't want to hurt anybody's feelings anymore. Because nobody can take it anymore. Yeah, nobody can take it anymore. I think I don't like about the sex scenes and TV shows as no.

I bring it up while we're talking about it. We moved on to another topic. Now people shut up. Now people are going back. Because you let people talk. Now people. It's like an old Jewish couple. Now people are coming back to it.

You know what I'm saying? You guys didn't say the name of the character for like 15 minutes. And we said atre 90 times. The fast guy. We said atre. We said atre. He said he was, he said atre 9 times. I'm not listening.

Exactly. That's my point. So listen, so that when we're talking about no host for Oscars, a train isn't up there wearing a bloody outfit. And then his fucking young millennial brain just goes, blood. And he starts talking about that again. You have a hearsay thing. And I have to take his side on this one. You just threw in the Oscar thing. So he's not gonna pop up the Oscars moment. He didn't know we were done with boys, you know, and you didn't get- Nobody's done with boys.

I'm not miserable. So, wink. So, are you wrapping up boys so then we can tell him we can go to the Oscars? We went to the Oscars. We were on hosts. You said something. He said something. I said something. And I tried to backtrack.

No, you backtrack because you have the fucking mind of a puppy and you saw a train, you're like, oh, I could have had that part. I understand what happened to you. I can hold tinful in front of you. You'd be like, yeah, Shiny shit. I understand it. He fucking led you astray.

Oh, no. He led you astray. I was trying to jump in. I blame that. You can blame that on me. No, I blame it on him. Okay. If that was, if Oscars were up there, you would have said Oscars.

What are you drinking, Aignog? No, it's Elfcom. What? Ah! I mean, that's how it's joking. He goes Agnog. It's just Elfcom. A lot of it.

Every time I lick the bowl, lick the bowl, lick the balls, lick the balls. That's how licking the bowl. That's how guys become gay licking the bowl. Let's go. They do baked goods, remember when they make a cake? Never make a cake and lick the bowl, lick the bowl, lick the, lick the balls. That's how you get a gay guy. No, I like the bowl growing up. Let's, let's, so they're not going to have any comics.

Do you don't know that? No, you announced it. I do know that. I said, that's, so they're not going to have any comics. You don't know that. They're not announced it. I do know that. I said, that's why I said it. But they always switch things up. They're just making shit up. If any Murphy said I want to host the Oscars, they were going, okay, of course he would, but he's not going to, but they hire comics forever. They've been hiring comics to, to go up to it. Now, I understand it because it used to be like Billy Crystal and David Letterman and guys would go up and do light, basic, kind of poking and dancing and muting. It was kind of entertaining. Then Chris came along and he was more edgy than anybody.

Little more edgy, but still. And then, you know, he got Michelle and then Michelle was in the Oscar. Ricky Jiveyes. No, but Ricky Jiveyes, that Michelle, all these comics hosting these events, they realize, you know what? We can't do this anymore because we don't like it. Ricky Javace hosting the Golden Globes, both times. Funny thing. Yeah. The best. You can't get better than that. I mean, he was so funny. And people were were laughing, you know they weren't so fucking up tight First of all, they're winning awards in life where they already won an award in life You've already won in life and now we're giving you another award. You're literally giving millionaires

Yeah, I know trophies Mm-hmm for being for pretending at the highest level. Yeah, you're literally For doing for reading and acting somebody else's lines for pretending at the highest level. Yeah, you're literally for doing, for reading and acting somebody else's lines. Here's what they say about why comedy is so much harder than acting, because kids and animals connect. They can't do fucking comedy. They just can't do it.

That's why comedy is so much harder. Say animals connect? How many fucking movies are animals? Awesome. Play dead. You know, I don't last. He was a big star. I don't think she was I don't think she was doing my There. I'm really sure now she was doing it. She was pretty sure you seen airbud. I'm pretty sure she was just sitting for a piece of Bacon and then coming for a beer. Tell that to flipper. Flip it was the same shit. Flip it. I'm dare you say that I don't see biscuit.

Yeah, see biscuit. I let's say that. Flip it. Flip it was a method actor. Yeah, but what I'm saying is that you can't put fucking flipper in a scene with the Nero. You know, saying it's just sitting in the Nero can't. If he plays Aquaman, you can't.

I hate Everybody in this room. What you're saying? Can kids act can kids act? Yes kids can you ever see? Haley Joe Osman in yes, I see all of it. That was one of the greatest Seed actually one of the greatest performances of a child that you went to Noscar nominated is nominated Do you want did he win? No, he didn't win, but he was nominated. Yeah, kids can act. McColley, Colken. What? McColley, Colken.

He was great and everything you did. He didn't fucking home alone. Unbelievable. McColley, Colken now hosts comedy shows in Brooklyn. Yeah, at the bellhouse. Yeah, he stinks. That's this week. Maybe a theory.

He's fucking brother is on one of the most watch shows on television right now. Yeah, succession. Succession, which is amazing. This fucking show. Oh, that is his brother. Yeah. The little guy, yeah.

It's a good show. I don't like what they did to the older brother though. It's bothering me because he started out as a fucking pimp. Yeah, but he's a drug addict show. Okay, fine. He started out as a pimp, like the motherfucker. And this father deballed him in one episode. And now he's,

let's go see what behind his father's back and try to sell the company. So he's supposed to do. It's so your father's company. The father was supposed to give him the company. Yeah, baby, his father. His father fucked him. No, his father.

I like the scene of this episode. His show is I don't watch. What I'm saying is, they're all cutthroat. They're all for him? That's what happened to you. Nothing, Sam. I kind of blank them out. No.

The whole thing is two cutthroat. They're all, I mean, that kind of money. People have that kind of, can you put your headphones on? That's how shows work. So then you maybe laugh at some shit, hear some shit, maybe say some shit. I sit in my next room, I can hear them.

No, you can't. I can. You just say you hear them. What'd you say? Oh. I fuck you, man. Matthew, I fucking, how good is the show though?

I shot well, a shot almost like a doc. It's shot great, It's a great show, but it doesn't know me. Yeah, it does. Cause there's too much money. And there's people with that kind of money. I know this people that look at the money, but the fucking brother, the older brother, somebody do something in the, I didn't see the pilot. He fell too far, too fast. Is that your issue? He just, he comes out of the gate like this mother fun. I'm like, yes. And then now he's just walking around looking

as, are you watching two? Yes, Daddy. Yes. I know he's walking. I said that to my wife last night, I go, wake up. He's walking around, he's walking around like Jason Steinberg. Wake the fuck up.

Something. Wake the fuck up. Whatever the fuck character choice you're making, I don't like it. Neither do I. He's too beaten down already. Too beaten down. And the little...

It's gonna come up, huh? It's gonna come up. Something's gonna happen on the... It's gonna happen on the... I don't know. Something's gonna happen when he does turn it around. Whatever, it's a good show. It's too much good TV.

Are you watching it? It's too much. There's way fucking too much good TV. The second season of what do you call mind hunters out? I won't watch it. Why? Because it's too much. It's because it. Why? Because it's too much. Because it's 12 hours.

It's too much. It's so much good television. I just watched eight episodes of The Boys. Do you see the first season of mine, Hunter? I did, I got bored. I watched the original footage on YouTube, which was better. I read all of his books, the guy that really started. I know you love telling me that.

I know. Because I only watched his favorite read. I beat you to it. Now, why, where are you from, Matthew? You love telling me that I know Now why we're no where you from Matthew I grew up in Atlanta and like Houston really and Corpus Christi and Corpus Christi Dumpy there. Oh, it's not a nice like It's like it's like the fucking river Yarra for Texas. Yeah What does that mean? It's like the river. It sounds nice. It's good. No, people say, oh, corporate is beautiful. I'm like, you went to Mustang

Island. That's like a little different. Yeah. Mustang Island is nice. Yeah. It's like close to South Padre. Is it a beach? Is it beach? It's not. It's an island. What do you think it's surrounded by? You're fucking idiot. It's a beach. What is I don't know. He just said island. What's an island surrounded by your fucking idiot. It's the beach. What is going on? I don't know any about it. He just said island. What's an island surrounded by? Okay. You fucking asshole.

Look at the island. Look how aggressive with someone else makes it, it does something stupid. How angry he gets. You fucking dummy. It's an island. I get what an island is. Stop saying. I know what I fucked up. I wasn't listening. I heard

Corpus but your headphones on there See doesn't make a difference. Yeah, I fucked up. I did I know it you're acting like I really don't know what an island is You're acting like I really don't know what an island is. Do you think I don't know what an island is? No, you are an island. I know you know But when you say is your water, I have to attack. I can't see. I have to attack. All right, whatever.

Anyways, I didn't know, I don't think, when you think Texas, you don't think beach town. You think of dry, you think of, you know, steaks and steers and fucking cowboys. You know, I don't think like a fun beach town. Yeah. People fuck up and they go to Corpus for vacation, not realizing they have to go all the way to the island,

actually have fun. So you have to, is this island a big island? Is it a rich island? Is it like Marco Island? What is it? It's not big, but I mean, it's like a spring break spot. Yeah, is that what it is? It's beaches and hotels. Mustang Island.

It's in between Staten Island and the Bahamas. It's in between that. Oh my God. You're dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. Yeah, okay. I mean, literally, literally,

literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally,

literally literally, literally, literally, literally, literally literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, literally, I know I'm not wrong. I am. So where are you from again there? You're from Atlanta Houston and Corpus Christi. But where are you from mainly? Oh, I say Atlanta. Why were your parents, your dad in service or something? No, but you bounce off. He's dead. How do you die? You died of Parkinson's.

Oh shit. Yeah. Great. I'm gonna bring that up on the fucking screen, Asfe. Yeah. Yeah, for 15 years. He's lasted a while. Really?

How old was he? He passed away at I guess 75. Well, that's yeah. And he had it. But he had it when I was, yeah, he got it when he was like 60. So I was like 12, but he had it. And he was just like, how was that still alive? Yes, she lives in Atlanta. Your mom, who was a good looking? Shut up. I want to ask you about your mother.

Your mother is good looking, right? His, I want to talk. He just said his father died of Parkinson You you can't just brush over that who was better looking? Fuck your fucking fucking yeah, is your mom still bangable? I mean literally my I thought he was uncomfortable talking about it But you want to fuck my mom. Yeah I just want you to call me dad one night. Oh, sorry

Anyways, how old were you you find out your dad had that 12? Shit dude, you're 27. I'm 30. dad had that? 12. Shit dude. You're 27? 30. No way. That makes sense. Yes, I'm 31. 12, yes. Any pass way when I was like 28. Oh, it's fucking good.

I would never question Voss on numbers. It's like you're trying to like disprove the whole thing. It's like, wait, your story doesn't add up. History, you're right, my dad's alive. Yeah. Okay. History, Kugrama. Anything I'll fight you to dump them. your story doesn't add up history you're right my dad's alive Okay history could grandma anything I'll fight you the dumb dumb Geographer numbers fuck it I have a question that's good Tell us an island. I never heard somebody say he's dumb at math. What do uh Parts do you have brothers and sisters? I have an older brother, yeah. I want to, we stay on track, please.

Okay. So I'm trying to find out if it's sister's hot, available. It's got a brother. Younger older. All their five years older. But I want to say, because, she liked this freak me up because I have a kid. And you know, it would freak me out. What did he say to you when you were 12?

And did it fuck you up? Did it affect you at all him having that and having to go through the progressions of it and then eventually passing away? Did it? I was too young to process it, but one thing that was, I do remember, was always being like,

oh, my dad won't be alive then. Just always kind of braced, we're like, I remember when I went to high school, I'm like, he's probably not gonna make it to the high school he's in the high school, he's Parkinson's. I got to college and he's like, oh, I probably, he probably won't be alive then. Just always kind of braced. I remember when I went to high school, he's probably not going to make it to the highest grade. It's Parkinson's. I got to college. And he probably won't be in my graduation.

And then he lived till I was at 28. I mean, and he really, it was very slow. Something about what he did or something about the nature of his disease. It set on very slowly. It wasn't until I was about 25, 26. He took a nasty, he was very stubborn about doing his own thing.

And he went out and got groceries. And he was shelving him. And he fell and broke his hip. He ended up in about doing his own thing and he went out and got groceries and was shelving him and he fell and broke his hip and ended up in the hospital. And the second he was in the bed, things went real south this fast. It took him about three years and he was just gone. When I was called, I remember my father said to me, uh, too much teeth. I can't take it. I really just, I really, cruiserkids.com, please.

How old are you relative to your kid? My kid's six, I'm 48. Okay, my dad was 47 when he had me, so my mom was 47. So he's a little, he's old, yeah. I was good for him. I was 50 when I had my, when I had Raina. 50.

Yeah, wow. She's, yeah, She's 12 now. My older daughter's 28 and 26. My oldest, but yeah. 50. Are you the youngest, right? Yeah, just do it. So, when he was there at times,

it's weird though, when people go to hospitals, they fucking plummet. Yeah, when my mom went to nursing home. It's almost like you go there thinking, this is the place to get better when you're older. It's, it's, what the, whatever they do to you, it's like this drug will fucking make this fail. The drug to help that will make this fail.

And it's just this cycle of, now you're in there, they're just getting money, drug money, machine money, operation money. What are the fuck? And it's like, and then they're like, yeah, you're not gonna make it and they shut the machine. When you go to fucking solid, let me tell you, it makes your mind go. You go to a fucking nursing home, it's worse.

Like my mom was in a nursing home. I go visit her, she didn't even know I was there. You know, she has old time. She knew you were there, she was pretending. Yeah, that's funny. She could act. Yeah, she just had this blank standard. But from her house, when she started coming down with it,

you know, she thought she saw snakes in her house. And next she knows she's in a fucking hospital. And it's all over. It's weird, my father and homes. My father passed away this year. He went to a hospital in Chicago. And I fell and his wrist, he fucked up his wrist, went to Chicago and then wound up in the hospital in Boston

Sunday night with sepsis. I totally had meningitis. A meningitis, yeah, meningitis. But how did he catch it? In the hospital? I don't know. That's why it's like hospitals are the fucking dirtiest places ever.

I hate going to them. I hate, I don't take any medication. I don't fucking take shit. I don't go to hospitals. I hate them because I feel like once you go there, and this is stupid to say it's very conspiratorial. They don't get out. Yeah, mentally listen.

Your father, he goes, I was gonna just tumble away. Yeah, but what was crazy for me was it was, it was still three years, but I didn't, he once he went in there, he almost suddenly just tumbles away. Yeah, but what was crazy for me was it was still three years. But I didn't, he once he went in there, he was declining so rapidly. I was like, oh, he has to go soon now. I just didn't realize it was like to actually die, you have to really go all the way. But with Parkinson's, can they communicate,

they're just like all-timeers have no clue what's going on. His mind went at the old time. I'm sorry, is that a beer in Germany? A dementia. I meant dementia. But with Parkinson's, well, I almost got a cramp again. With Parkinson's, let's go ahead.

Parkinson's can a person Parkinson's communicate? You know, it's really it's a physically degenerative disease mostly in the last few years. So we had trouble communicating and by the end, I remember the last few months, I really couldn't get, yes, there are no questions out of him. He couldn't respond. He just couldn't control himself to respond. And I don't know what he was processing. But then there was probably some dementia that was setting in as well. But no, up until I could have conversations with him. I remember when he was

in the hospital, I walked in, one of the first times I visited in a cafeteria broke his hip, and there was quantum orbitals explained. Orbital Fields, because he was a chemist and he was explaining to one of his nurses, some chemistry because she had a test coming up. So he stayed sharp for a pretty good long time. Now, your father was a, what was he getting?

A chemist, what's your mom? She got a master's in microbiology, so she worked in like researching other medicine for a while, and then when I came around, she was retired from that. Right, yeah. So she's smart.

Your brother's just smart, too? My brother's a very good engineer. He's this guy's pretty fucking smart. He has a great vocab. I've listened to him talk. It's okay. It's okay. It means nothing.

No, when you have a vocabularity like his and the stuff he knows, he's pretty smart. Okay. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of it say. I'm saying. When you talk well, you should have nothing. Yes. I know what Ireland is.

Well, that's my cue sign. And I am a rock. When you have a good vocabulary, that's from a song. I know. It didn't work. You can fake vocabulary. It's pretty easy. I don't read that much. I just like know how to like use certain words at the time.

It's hard to fake vocabulary. No, it is not. I know a guy who has word of the day for like five years and he uses these fucking huge words. That is pretty immaculate. I had word of the day. Yeah, in his lexicon. And he's an idiot.

He fast-renaculated. Yeah, he's a dumb dumb. He just has big words. I know he's stupid. He just uses these big fucking words and it's stupid. He knows nothing. If the end of the world came today, he would he'd die. He wouldn't know what to do.

So with everybody if it was the end of the world, not me, not you, not us. We get our packs. What? Bushcraft potty boy. Oh my god. Sorry. I was really scared We we grab him to fuck We'd chain him to offense Cut off his arms. I would feed him squirrel squirrel knuckles every every other day keep his body tight

Yes, make it work out, but we have him on chains. I shaved that to a Mohawk too, just so he looks rogue. Oh, yeah. Little rogue fucking twink, trash. I do a treat. Just naked every time we walk by, spit on his ass, and we know it's loose for later. Thank you, sir. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I F*** him I eat Mike

I'm not eating you No, I'm not eating you You just not you just you be too chewy. We couldn't you can swallow it Boss I want you to swallow me I would eat Gabby I still they knew you fucking me next to his chewed up course It's like guys what I'm right here. I would not eat Gabby. I would keep Gabby around to lure all the hips around. I'm marketing.

I'm a moron man. I meant to squeak in that. I'm a hampton in. Come on. I'll be choking your teeth. I'll be choking your teeth. I'll do that read. We're gonna do that read. Oh, we're gonna do this read. Yeah, absolutely. All right, check it out. It's a new season. Antonio Brown is on the Raiders. Levant Bell is with the Jets. Odell Beckham is in Cleveland.

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I'm going to be there the week of, when am I going to be there? Oh, what is my, what is my thing by be boo? Oh, right now Billy Burr live from the shed is up on Patreon. Patreon.com slash Robert Kelly, the Billy Burr, I watched it. I got to read, I got to read up a little bit because I fucked up the edit a little bit on the sound. It's so fucking. He's so funny, man. It's such a good time. I could almost at one point, I was like, just shut up and let him talk because he's so

fucking funny, dude. It's up on patreon.com slash Robert Kelly right now. I got Ari Shafir doing the next one. So this season's gonna be fucking awesome. Become a member become a five dollar member. Don't I mean you can do the one dollar if you have to but do the five dollars so you get the life in the shed. One dollar you get everything other than that. You get the YKWD first. you get the one on ones, but become a YKWD, become a Robert Kelly fan and do the five dollar membership. You get these lives from the Sheds that I do,

and this Billy Burr one is not to be missed. I'm also gonna put up an extra, I think 15-minute, 20-minute story that he told at the end that it's not up now, will be coming up in the next month. So check that out soon, and I'm gonna be cruzherkids.com and that's all I'm promoting. And- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, and that's all I'm promoting. And that's a badass. Wait, wait, did you just say it? It is right? It is. It is. It is. You just say it's all you're promoting. Yeah. It's. That's why you've promoted stand up. Oh, and legend. No, I'm going to rename it because you're right. It's not.

I don't. It's not my best album. How are you stepping on the plug for our tour? I literally was plugging it. And he was like, dude, that's a badass name. And we were about to go on this whole thing about our tour. And you go, you took your glasses off, like you're on a bus. Excuse me. Does this go to conquest Avenue? Where's conquest Avenue?

It doesn't exist. I made it up because I'm an improper. Listen. I'm just glad I'm not the one who's fucking it up. It's him. It's just me and him together is the worst best thing that's ever happened in my life. I don't know if you remember,

I think the three of us plus maybe it was like, could you table? Chloe did the table last year. Yeah, yeah, that's right. Anyways, you're right, the tour is fucking bad. It's really good. Let me tell you something. We did one show from beginning to end nonstop laughter.

The fucking audience has never been to a comedy show where it's been nonstop laughter like that. I'm not gonna say, I mean, I would say this. The tour itself is a bad ass tour, but it's also the one thing left. I'm not gonna say, I mean, I would say this, the tour itself is a badass tour, but it's also the one thing that I'm so proud we did, we didn't gouge anybody, it's $30 a ticket pretty much. And we're not gouging.

It's not like the Comedy Club. It's not as 50 or 60. Some people are charging $150. It's ridiculous. I know a comment. Four headliners for 30 bucks. I know one comic that charges almost 300 tickets. It's crazy I whatever do you think four headliners some of the funniest fucking people on the planet

Cruiserkids.com go get your tickets redding Pennsylvania being in Boston get your tickets. It's selling out Boston and then Long Island Chicago selling out to get you tickets here, but let me tell you something please tell us I've been on tours before and so's Bobby. Yeah, this fucking tour Everybody's different on the tour. You know what I mean? We're all different and it's just it's pretty similar The same age got old dude all four of you have to go All four of you have to go. But we are five hands. So we have guys, we have kids. That's what my album.

But we all have different styles. Why would you? Nobody knows. Let him have it. We all have different styles. We all have different styles. I hate when you do that. I hate when you do that.

I hate when you have to let, when somebody does a joke and go, I've said that in 62. I don't like that. I like that. I don't like it. Matthew, first of all, there's not a lot you like. Second of all, you don't have a second of all. That's what I do. Yes, I do. it. Matthew first of all, there's not a lot you like second of all.

You don't have a second of all that's what I do. Yes I do. What's the second of all? There's not a lot you care. Never a second of all. Never Matthew, that's why he bugs me. I understand that you're kind of sticking out from because I'm a little aggressive.

I have that Boston attitude. It scares you a little bit. And he's can't do. Yeah, he's, but he's, oh, I'll take the older one cuz he's less you know he's more controllable you will regret that Stick with me look at all the young bucks. I have around me. It's for reasons nobody likes him How do you spell title? Oh? I don't know I don't know I don't know what I want to do this for tomorrow. I don't know what an island is. How would I spell title? Um, I'm telling my my guy. I might go with a to know. I don't know what to do with this for tomorrow. I don't know what an island is. How would I have this belt title? I'm telling my guy that I might go with a different title.

I did. I think so. I guess no. No, because you're smart. This is why you're an asshole. You don't do that now. Oh, you're on a podcast. But I'll forget.

Okay. I Thursday night. You know, I gotta give him, I gotta give him that. He will fucking. Thursday night, I took two spots in the city Yes, and then I got a text to confirm where I am Thursday night up in upstate New York I'm going. Oh, I forgot I forgot I was supposed to work at this place next week I have a show next Saturday. I mean this sat I'm not around

I'm literally not around. I'm fucking gone. This saturday. My family does this thing every year. They used to do it every year when my grandparents were alive. This, I think, 45 of us on my mother's side, the donlands, my uncles, the five uncles, my two aunts, my mother, they all have kids.

Three generations? Yeah, now, three generations yeah now three generations you know for now for generations now because I have a kid some of the cousins of the cousins I think are whatever there's like 30 something cousins and we would all get to my uncle's house that's a really great Google on a beach yeah that's that's exactly what it looks like no my go lives on rock port literally on the beach. Where's rock port in New York? What's staying? No, it lives up. Relax. What do you follow the detective? Did I murder somebody? Where's rock

port? What state that in where were you on the night of 20? Shut up. I'm cutting to it. Your Massachusetts rock port matters. Beautiful. Beautiful on the beach. Right, I mean, literally on the beach, this house is on the beach. So you, he's loaded? No, he rents an apartment, a basement apartment. He was the mailman of the post-masted general of rock port for his whole career, just retired a few years ago.

And he lived under this, I think they're a Dutch couple that have this big house, it's their second house. So they would come in the summer, but he would be, you know, he'd have the house to himself, smoking hot dog or two. And who, your cousin? No. My cousin's a very pretty too.

I'd never give you their names because I would never want you seeing them. But anyways, we go there. This, so my, the point to which one's out. Can I finish the story? Which one's his house? I mean, it's mind boggling. I'm trying to slug.

I'm trying to slug. I'm trying to look at it, which one's his house. I'm trying to just get to the fucking story, and then you go, you let somebody finish, and then you get your shit. Good point. Yeah, you know fucking keep adding shit, like a fucking.

I asked questions. Yeah, but ask them. Ask them when I'm done. Oh, okay, that's good. That's right, you know fucking keep adding shit like a Question What I'm done. Okay, that's good. That's right. You're right. I'm trying to literally disengage from you and stare at Matthews Your drawing a cheekbones. You're drawing a picture. I'm no, I'm not drawing a picture I'm just trying to fucking get to the point anyways. We have this thing. We used to have it all the time We stopped having it because my grandfather died my grandmother died So we stopped having it my father died this year my uncle's like, you know what? We to have it all the time. We stopped having it because my grandfather died. My grandmother died. So we stopped having it.

My father died this year. My uncle was like, you know what, we should have it. So we're all getting together. At my uncle says for the lobster, he gets like 60 lobsters. We all have lobsters on the beach. We play with a ball. This is big family thing that we're going to on Saturday.

Oh, last night. This Saturday that I have a gig. Where's the gig? Back to your original story. All right, maybe I was a little along-winded. No, that's nice. Saturday. Saturday that I have a gig. Where's the gig? Back to your original story. All right, maybe I was a little along with it. No, I was good. I like the story. Maybe you try and close out with lobsters and wiffle ball. Everybody likes that, but where's the gig that you're fucked up? I don't want to say it.

Because I see if I could double up. No, fuck you. Oh, I'm at Uncle Vinnie's, so I can't double up. But there's a thing I did the same thing. I forget Sometimes that I had how long you've been in the city? I'm in the city two years two years and you how's it going for you? What's happening with you? I like it. I'm just doing a lot more stand-up here than it was in LA. Yeah, yeah and

More things have you run the road? Do you have anything going on? Yeah, I do I do clubs I just got to write my first writing job going on. Yeah, I do, I do clubs. I just got to write my first writing job on what? I've roast of Alec Baldwin. Oh, my wife's not. Oh, that's right. I heard that. I think she wanted the new ones. Well, she's going to be one of the best ones. But is she down in the previous, is she just doing a week in LA? Two weeks. Two weeks. Okay. Yeah, that's she's doing more than I am. Yeah. Really? Yeah. That's great, man. That's great. Thank you. Thank you. I heard there's only, I don't want to spoil it.

I'll talk to you later about it. Okay. Doreaux now. That's not for big. You fucking bring something on you. Oh, monies. He's gonna bring a lot of money. No, no, no, no.

Just a day. So, oh, it's deep. It's, it's, it's, what is it? I think it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, real. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's

like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's two comics. There's two comics. Well, they always do that. It's always just two comics. No, no, it'd be all comics. There used to be a lot of comics. There used to be a lot of comics. You're all on the shift lately. I'm glad they have two. Well, you know, two really good ones.

Yeah, but they have, they have a, Nikki Glazer and Chris Red. They have their friends on that. Oh, then they have three because Jeff is doing it too. Yeah, but you always complain that the, the, the, the, the Roach, Joel McHale, Joel McHale, those comedy, the Roach, the Senate. You always complain that the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the

the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the and that's how but back of the day wasn't that way. Yeah, well pretty much those demarcation those the demon with all actors. No, there was a lot of comics all the actors mostly half and half I got to that home. I got the tapes. I got you know there's the tapes again we stopped saying tapes. I can see these yeah you can do these. I don't know. I don't know. Why is? Oh, there is don't bring that up. What the fuck you don't? Let's run with you. Yeah. don't know. I don't know. Why is, oh, there he is. Don't bring that up. What the fuck are you doing? What's wrong with you?

Yeah. Don't bring up Voss Rose ever. It's dead. It's dead. I got to go to it. Can I throw a gem of history on this? You know, JP McDade, really funny comic. He sent me a text.

This is a George C. Scott roasting Don Rickles. He says, I did not come here to make fun of Don Rickles. I did not come here to trade barbs at Don Rickles because you need to be a comedian to do the first and have a true wit to the second instead I'm here to say something nice about Don Rickles and for that you need an actor That's great If you would have done that you might have got the fucking a train part Crazy how but that's like, that's like when you, the type of roast these,

because SD has a lot of reverence for those old school roast, because they all knew each other whether or not they're comedian, yeah. Well, they did know each other and they did, the actors had stuff written for them that was very funny. Yeah, and they were, they were a subtlety back then too.

Very subtle and you didn't have to be so edgy, you didn't have to be so mean.. You didn't have to be so mean. No, it was very, you know, big, you know, and T-Mart was such a great host. You were just so funny. And they all fake laughs. So cool. It was so cool.

They did, they fake laughed. I like that they did. You know that, look at as a standup, you're looking at it going, that's not. Sometimes when you have a camera on you, you kind of laugh harder. Oh, absolutely. I think it's great. It's nervous because of a camera on you, you kind of laugh harder. Oh, absolutely. I think it's great.

It's a nervous because of the camera. Yeah, I think it's great. They're a Voss roast. I laughed at his whole thing. His face. You know, he was so good in the roast. He, you reminded me how like you would stand up, like Milton Burle used to do.

Remember how he would stand up and go. What he, you know, and you were so fucking perfect on that roast. Just, even not when you went on, just, you're, when when if somebody says something to you Your reaction was as good as what they said. Oh, I love This reaction was as good as what the people were saying and which that's why it worked out so good The funniest thing is when I got Bonnie's original boyfriend not original one of her boyfriends

But that she could have been with. What's his name again? Nathan Phillion. Nathan Phillion. And I brought up his resume. And then I brought up Voss's where he's going to be in the next month. He's worth 25 million. Listen to me. I went through his fucking resume. It was magical. And then it was Voss is going to be at the Polk Brewery. The client works. The cluster's on castle. Yeah, it's great. Yeah then it was Voss is going to be at the pulmonary. The client works the cluster's on castle. Yeah, it's great. He opened for me. That's all. I came in. He opened, I click came in and close a deal. That's true. Hey, drop your seed in there and trap there. She waited for the your 50

year old seed. She's got a plan. She let you eat whatever you want, right? She's a vegan her the kid are going to live forever. She's a hamburger. Have some french fries. She spikes it with trans fat. Peanut oil. She not only, oh, Chris Reds on it.

Who's Chris Reds? Black dude, right? Yeah. Oh, he's a great guy. I like him. He's a cool dude. What's the process? You just sit there and write jokes about everybody? I have no idea what it's going to be. Is it good money? It's good. No, really? No, for him it is. Yeah, for me it is. No, it's good. Yeah. It's good money. Was it a couple hundred bucks? They don't put you up though. Where you gonna stay? Staying with a friend, but they're where where is it? It's in a her bank. I think I'm gonna put you up It's in the it's in really writing job still so you have to I mean they do But you're gonna fucking cost me the job

No, it's a good gig. You're gonna be great at it. Thank you Yeah, I've never I mean do you know how it functions? I've written for him but not in the room. I've sent sent stuff in she's read a couple pages of shit and I only wrote one page I mean nervous. I'm more excited than nervous because it's just being around funny people just trying to come up with jokes What's gonna happen? You know bounce ideas off each other and you know, you know if you and I'm not lying if you get For or five on that roast Then you're fucking lucky really well, I would you lie because I'm just you have to say I'm not lying Nobody would think your life. No, no, I'm just saying you know, maybe 10 whatever, you know

I'm saying you're not gonna get pages on that Why would you think you lie when you said that that's my question Why would you say hey, hey, I'm not lying cuz I usually lie. Oh This time I'm not I'm not lying when I do clubs on the roads. I do really good I'm definitely I'm just not lions and that with numbers. I do good on the road sometimes I don't work clubs that I like yeah, I'm just not lying. So that would numbers. I do good on the road. Sometimes I do. I only work clubs that I like. Yeah. That's the key.

That's what Bonnie told me on the corner. That's the key. Bonnie said, for now, I just say no. Listen, once you hate. I don't fucking workplaces. I don't like anymore. I made that decision around four years ago. I was coming, I was gonna, I was gonna

fucking hang myself. Almost cried this weekend coming home. Yeah, and you know what I did? I said, here's the deal. I went to my wife. I said, how much do we need to make? What's the nut? Okay, great. I'm saying no to anything that sucks and sucks my life out. I am not doing Thursday to fucking Mondays. I'm not doing it. I'm working Fridays and Saturdays. I'll do a Thursday, but I'm coming in Thursday. And I say no to clubs. I don't like fuck you. The only way you get me there is if you pay me,

if you buy my soul, that's it. I see my nut is so high that I have to. How was your nut? Get rid of the rings. Fuck. Oh, I gave you a tip this month. Yeah, it was the quit. How is it so high? Because I have a, our health insurance, I got the same health insurance. I'm not going to be a doctor. I'm not going to be a doctor. I'm not going to be a doctor.

I'm not going to be a doctor. I'm not going to be a doctor. I'm not going to be a doctor. I'm not going to be a doctor. I'm not going to be a doctor. I'm not going to be a doctor. I'm not going to be a doctor. I'm not going to be a doctor.

I'm not going to be a doctor. I'm not going to be a doctor. I'm not going to be a doctor. before that. So I just started paying that, but listen, it is what it is. Yeah, you know, what's wrong? Oh, no, thank you. Drop the mic. Don't worry about it. No, sorry, don't worry about it. Whatever, I have a big nut. That's all.

I just have a big nut. But you know what? You need to start saying no to things. You're too greedy. Not greedy. Not greedy. I'm not greedy. I'm just trying to listen.

You know why he's happy? Because he's single. And he's happy. You know why he's happy? Because he's single. And he doesn't have the pressure we have. Yeah, when someone offers him whatever money they said, he's like, that's great money, okay. Yeah, because he doesn't hear that that much. He's not out there. He can stay in New York and do all right

because he doesn't have kids and a wife and a mortgage. I don't know. I don't care. I made my not. I ran. Yeah. I got the house. I didn't go for the Holy shit house.

Yes. My kids going to be a member of MS 13 when he's around 11. That's a sacrifice that I have to make. So I don't have to work fucking shit rooms. I know. My daughter's a genius. I'm banking on her. I mean, a fucking 12 year old.

What are your favorite rooms? Is it the city or the club? I love side-putters, which are working in a couple weeks. One of my favorite rooms in the fucking world. One because Mike Cult is down there, one of my best friends. And the crowds are amazing. I love comedy on state.

That's amazing. I can't get back in there. They're just the best, everything. Yeah. The best. The best. The best. The Berman Act me are just really highly highly highly highly highly highly highly highly highly highly. The Berman Act me is my second favorite. I mean, another favorite.

I mean, I love Act me. It's a great club. They take care of comics and they care about the show. Helium Philly is my favorite. Philly. Helium Philly. I, you know what? You could have fun. Post-Science San Francisco. This weekend. This this weekend I'm at Uncle Vinnie's and I love doing Uncle Vinnie's. You don't see what he did here? Oh I didn't mean it like that. I didn't say Friday or Saturday.

No but you know what I mean. Yeah what's up. Two I really like that I don't hear mentioned at the same level as comedy on state or ACME and our work comedy showcase comedy showcase is one of my favorite clubs in the country. I love those two clubs. And like, there's that list of top five clubs that everyone makes.

Did I work, Rooster T-Fathers? Didn't I do that? I did that years ago. Not last year, but you've done it before. You love that club. Is that still going? Not this one last year. Is that lady still there?

They're alcoholic. No. I like comedy on Carlson, great club. Oh yeah, the owners so great there too. I trust there. And you know what's a great club? Fucking Rhode Island. Oh, that's a good club.

How fucking, that club is always packed. The nicest owners. They're the best. It's so fucking, it's the best. It's a cute town too. It's a cute town you are gay. It's a really good branching option. I never said it's a cute town.

I've never said it's a cute town. No way. And I've been in the cutest town ever. I love the cute town. I've never said honey, we have a cute town. I was with a girl named cute in a town once. I wouldn't even call her by her name. We're going to wrap this up.

I don't know. Well, I thought we're gonna attend 30. Now we're going to, you know, we wrap it up, it takes about a half hour. Why do you say that every time? I don't say that every time, every time. Because I get texts, I make plans. Well, you know the end of the show

when I say we're wrapping it up, it takes forever. Because we sidetracked, we go to his dates, and then we make fun of him more, then we go to you, and then we go all over, we go everywhere. It takes forever. It takes like a half hour to wrap the show up. Oh, let's try to wrap it up. Are you a fan of the show? Do you know the end of the show how it takes forever when we do this, right? Yeah, it takes forever. I don't, I don't just wrap it up Bing Bing Bing. Goodbye. What's your day? I told ladies leaving a party. Right. What's your name? I'm a little lady's leaving a party. Right.

What's your name? Perfect to get you. Hi, Jody. Do you listen to my wife hate me? No. How, how can you not listen to one of the best podcasts ever? Well, can you say, could you promote the network once in your life? On the network that gave you life, that gave you the fucking, the network that gave you

life when you had nothing. I don't know. I never say I had nothing. I don't like that. I had nothing. I've always had something. Gave you something else. Gave you something else. Thank you. Okay.

Could you fucking say, Ryan Cass wants? Everybody knows you son, Ryan Cass. She didn't. Have you ever listened to my way, face man, Ryan Cass? I listened to it once. Oh shit. It must have been a bad one.

Are you in a really, why did you like it? It just takes a little of a time to warm up to any podcast. Yeah it does, no it does. No, there's nothing wrong with that. No, it's nothing to answer that I've heard even more. Not at all. Not at all. Some people listen, some people, I can see people hating it, hating it and then I can see people will love it. It's just it's like

It's on your network I love it She went I was like, you hear she's like once. Yeah. Would you like a It takes a while to warm up But if she would have gave it five episodes, she probably would have became a fan. Oh shit What's that I read I'll read it. I don't want you Because that one negativity. It's not negative. You said that she might, she's not gonna. How do you know that?

I think she's pretty genuine. I listen to me. I'm, she's not going on. I'm like you. What's that? Oh, you have headphones on. Yes. What are you drinking?

I drink. What's wrong with you? I want a sparkling water. I'll get you one next time. I'll get one. I'll get one next time. I like mine with a little flavor. The pollen sprang. I'll get you one next time. I'll get one. I'll get one next time. I like mine with a little flavor. The pulled in spring.

I'll put a little flavor in it. Do you want your water? Add some ice cream. I don't know what you're playing. Add home I drink sparkling water more than I drink regular water. Same. regular water.

And so does the stream, man. Literally like like rock, rock, rock. The most boring thing that's ever been said on this podcast. Huh? The most boring thing that's ever been said on WG, huh? The most boring This is how to wag your w. I like sparkling at home. I bring sparkling water Let me uh, oh, well, we we have the good ones. I think it's going well if it was on I know I heard it single ply toilet paper. How these year? I wish it was on tape

I would fuck right on fire. How does how does your uncle cook the lobster before the wiff of ball game boils them So here's to think you know, how did you get the house you started a story that didn't he wrench he wrenched Oh, he won't he no story has been finished today That's cuz of fucking that hand-packing question, Coxuck, I'm sitting next to you. You're playing me? Well, he has the energy of a fucking dead person. I thought it was going to come on and be gay and whimsical. He's like, yeah, I got a gig.

Maybe he's fucking a daughter. I didn't know he was going to be a stoic heterosexual. I thought he was going to be a flimboi and fucking queen. This Coxuck has... I thought I was trying to carry the energy of... He's the energy of Magnum P.I That is gonna come on like Modi and flip out and fucking nothing. He just sat there and you fucking what's this? What's that what's I'm trying to help you're not helping you're hurting. I'm not hurting. I'm giving

I'm giving you go from one water to the other different types Don't don't even think about it. I know you try to make a whale. No, I wouldn't I've done I've done secret I didn't do any fat jokes. You were trying to do a secret No, I wouldn't do a secret. I'm didn't do any overweight jokes because I I stopped and I'm not gonna go after a person Like that because it's too mean. It's too mean. I don't want to be that person. You're thinking right now. Yes. Why are you bringing a whale shit up? Why are you trying to help him?

Because I'm listening now. Okay, good. Did someone say whale? Oh, that's right by your uncle's place. Matthew, besides the Rose, congratulations. Thank you. Yes. Because then I mean, look, writers on that thing usually become, if you kick ass, they become

what? What's wrong? My tooth. Oh my gosh. Especially how can your teeth hurt, did not yours? I know. The owner's looking for him. Do you know when you have implants, they cut your gums, and they give you

a bone graft, and they put fucking like cadaver bone in your gums to build up your gums. Okay. That's it. I had a punchline battle on the deal. Oh, you're worse than a snapple bottle. I fucking hate you. Look at him trying to look like he. Yeah, I don't know what's wrong with this guy. Every time I see him, he's like, hey guys. Now he's like, hey, what's up? He's like a fat boy after a big party.

So you got that going on. Is this your website with all these drawings? Yeah, yeah, it's a web comic. What are these drawings? So you see the top left. Look at the far left. Yeah, I can see it. What do you see? Far left middle. There's some type of car, a little man in a car. Yeah, so what is that person? That person is a midget close small person. What are they doing? What are they doing? The driving, which makes them a driver.

Yes, and they're very small. Another way, small driver. Tiny driver. Close to tiny, little driver, baby driver. Kid driver. I'm not sure it's with the M. Middle age, middle driver. Mini driver. Mini driver.

So all of those pictures or puzzles like that, and I do one every Monday on a website called MondayPonday.com. That's all I have. Oh, mini driver. Mini driver. So here's the problem with you. Seal of approval, no fly zone. Far right to good one.

Here's the problem with you. This is the problem with you. Can I tell you your problem? We have no problems. He does have a problem. And I figured it out. I understand why this podcast, why you're literally... He's tired.

He's bored. He's bored because he's smart. I told you he's smart. Shut up. Can I finish? You're like a far less educated clicking clack talk, car talk rubber. We don't know that much.

Why don't you draw a fart show? Why don't you fucking draw it? Where's the extra sketch? What were you saying about him? I'm saying that you're probably should, your parents, your brothers, you probably should have went and did something, holy shit intelligent, whether a chemistry or something else or writing or something, and you're in standup, right? Where, like, where the typical fucking idiots that go to stand up, just telling sex stories where we should have been studying and fucking, you know, your, your highly intelligent creature.

You're saying, and a five mathematics degree isn't a good background for standup comments. I see. I'm just saying that you're very intelligent. Oh, I said he was intelligent earlier and you disagreed with me. Even when you compliment me, it feels like an insult. No, I said to fucking this idiot was. No, it is an insult. You fucking shudrull. I'd rather talk to a flip flop. Listen to me. But, no, you're a nice guy. I just think that he's very, I agree with you now. He's too smart for the room. He's smart.

He's a very smart guy. If we were talking about other things, what is he? Frado. Don't say Frado. Why? People flip over. No, I'm talking about the character, the real guy. I know.

I'm smart. I know. They don't flip about that when you're talking about the Godfather. If I call, just flip down of it. No, I'm talking about the character, the real guy. I know, I'm smart. I know. They don't flip out about that when you're talking about the Godfather. If I call, just flip out about it. That's because somebody called him, Frado. I'm talking about the real Frado. When real Frado goes, I'm smart, I'm smart. So they don't flip out when you're talking about the movie.

I need to say it twice. Because that's how he said it in the movie. Because I'm smart, I'm smart. I think he said it once. No, go back, go to the movie, go to Frado. Why are you getting so angry about it? I'm smart. I'm smart. I think he said it once no go back. Go to the movie go to Frey. Why are you getting so angry about it? I'm smart. He did okay. I think he said it once. Did you see dog day after noon? I did why are you going there? I just want to go over movies now. He's bored again. Look I know what these stories never end They never conclude this meant the person needs a beginning middle of that. Do you understand that? He's a highly intelligent guy.

I can't look at a damn. He needs structure. He needs structure. He's got the table. He'd rather be on NPR. That's what he would, right? He'd be, so anyway, his math you, when did you find out you're a gay?

I, my process is very complicated. What you're going to do for a living? Yeah, it's works in tech. Cell cyber security who she's gonna be a pro swimmer though so she's yeah he's he's he's them you're saying we're over here he's that human yeah he's he traded joes

everything fits everything he gets it i don't want to say names but he falls in a certain comic categories like that What they're comics is a new thing? No people like me and comedy a new thing What like fucking people who shouldn't be in comedy? No, no, you shouldn't be in comedy It's just you're not the stereotypical comic. You're you got it together. You're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you you can, you can, you can, you can, I understand that that's not funny. Well, no, no, no, no, no. You want to see someone who kind of makes you feel better

by your life. Not true. I don't want to see someone who's educated and put together. That's what you get this is funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Candice Miller was educated back in the day, and he was great.

That's true. There's a lot of guys that educated funny. That's absolutely not true. We're saying that we're the, you know, but you're, you're, you're, you're just a different human, dude. Like if we, if you couldn't take me and Vos to your house, oh, yeah, if you wait, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am, am I, am I, am, am I, am I, am I, am I, am I, am, am I, am I, am I, you're, you're just a different human dude. Like if we, if you couldn't take me and Vos to your house, oh, yeah. If you wait, am I in my mind? If you, if you, if your parents like we're having a big function like my parents,

I could take you to rockport. Everybody like, oh my god, it's such a sweet. Look at, he's good. You put a bib on for his lobsters. He wouldn't even eat lobster because it's fucking an animal. And you're a shellfish. But if you could have Cajun We could you take me in him could you take me in him to your girlfriend's mother's function?

I don't know about that. I would let's say my mom thank you my mom says the family They would find you both very entertaining because they're all like fucking clowns and monkeys. Yeah They would say dance for me and then throw quarters at you and we'd fight how much Yeah, so yeah, exactly. We hustle. Anyway, what do you got? Uh, you a lady's clenched sucker. Thank you so much. Um, I have a punchline filly on October 3rd and then October 4th. Another great DC comedy law. It's my first time. DC comedy loft. Yeah. Love them too. They're great. They're great. I still want to. I'm doing I, I know D.C. comedy draft

houses. The one. Yeah, I should do that. I left out the draft house. But I'm going over to the comedy loft. What he's at I always had to draft house. Why the boat's supposed to be good? I like the draft house. It's like a, it's like a, it's like a black box theater. It's an old here. Yeah. And there's no, they, they literally have two waitresses and they have drinks. They snack. They're snacks. There's nothing else. So it's like doing a one-man show. No, they have to have real food there. They have no, they don't know that at the draft house, they have not. They have you talk about the theater. Yeah, theater. Oh, you're talking about the downtown room. What I said, there's two rooms. You're not listening. Oh, I'm

in Long Island on Fridays. Is this going to be out by Friday? No. But people listen to life. Why? Where you have? Cinema, Cinema Art Center Friday, Long Island. What are you going to be drawing pictures of doing how many? I'm good. You do. You ever do a one-man show with your pictures? I used to, I used to close that. I co-host out college shows with the the clubs I used to close that one who didn't have the time. Look, the Vosers looked at me. No, that's a great idea because then it would be like a game show, right?

And that's where we headed. And that's where we started. And that's where we started. But his game show's gonna be called IQ test. Beat him or what's your IQ? I hate that you made it real. What's your IQ? My answer 145.

Get the fuck out of here. I didn't ask your waist. What's your IQ? My IQ 145. Get the fuck outta here. I didn't ask you a waste. What's your IQ? Sorry, that was mean. I didn't want to be mean this episode. I didn't want to. Do you want some milk? What?

Do you want some cream? No, I, okay. I gave it to you. That's a pretty good fed joke. Anyways. Anyways, so you're extra on tea. Thank you for coming on, booty. Thank you so much to keep your eyes on booties. You were great.

You were. No, I was, I didn't pick on him. He has no socks. He has moccasins and no socks. He's a different human. He's like a living, I'm not a child. I bet you he's tight. I bet you he walks around with a sweater.

How are you right now, dude? In fucking man tuck it. Different person. When it's paltrow, those are those people. Yeah. We're over here. We're with, like, you know, that's a Robert Downey. Do you know those people?

We're over here. We're like, who's that little chubby actor that was in the Howard Stern movie that's in billions? Paul Giamardi. Paul Giamardi. We're over here. We're over here. We're like, we know shower.

We're like, we're like, we're like, with that guy Hoffman, that OD, what's his name? Phillips, he more. Yeah, with that. And he's, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, with that guy Hoffman, that Odeed, what's his name? Phillips, he more often. Yeah, with that. And he's, yeah, he's, he's up for Escalade. He's a different person. He's winning his pow troll. He can come to us.

And we're Lindsey Lohan. No, we're not Lindsey Lohan. We're not that bad. We're not that bad. We can come to us. We can't go to it. Oh, yes, we can. No, we can't.

Yes. No, why? Because they fucking love guys like us. Look at him.. Oh, yes, we can. No, we can't. Yes. You know why? Because they fucking love guys like us. Look at them. Look at him. They do. Look at his five-clock shadow. Listen, is it's like George Michaels. Yeah. It's, yeah. He's going to be blowing somebody in a fucking peep booth. Listen to me. Who isn't? All the friends again. Everybody we know is a fucking just blowing guys. Come on stop. Can we stop this fucking Janigan's this how he look at him. He's fucking gorgeous. I was at the mall in Albany buying it to a go and a guy walks up and he goes, hey man, how do you get picture with you?

And I was like, yeah, absolutely. And we do it with self-identi-gather. You guys I like to take pictures with people who look kind of like celebrities and you look like George Michael. That's hilarious I thought he knew me. Vosero's like, Vosero to send me that picture. Vosero's.com That is funny. Vosero to send me that picture. Someone came up to me and said that, but they said Matt Dylan. Sorry.

You know, sometimes you end on a sour note. I got creepswikids.com, go to creepswikids.com. It's the big story. October, October, December, we're going into January. It's those days are coming up soon. We just out floored in Montreal, Reading, Pennsylvania, Pittsburgh. We have Huntington, New York, Boston, is almost so that red bank. We have Staten Island. We have Eaton, Pennsylvania. It's Easton. Easton, Pennsylvania.

That's where you'll be doing the Pennsylvania. Trim, trim, trim, trim. I'm trying to plug the gig and you just fucking with me. Just go to CreeSquakeHins.com. You'll see all the tour dates. Pretty much 30 dollars a ticket. We have tour shirts that are only available at the theaters. You cannot buy them online. They're going to be shirts and posters. We're

going to be meeting everybody after the show. It's going to be great. We're going to be meeting everybody. We're doing meet and greets after every show. Anybody who wants to hang around and meet us, get a photo, buy a shirt, buy a poster, and sign them all. And two, two super hot girls with low self esteem might be able to go out to dinner with us. Who? Two hot girls with low self esteem might be able to go out to dinner. What does that mean? If you're hot and have low self esteem, maybe I'll get it. Yeah, they're called our wives. This weekend I'll be at Uncle Vinnie's in in pleasant. One show for Adi, one shadow. Hang on a second.

Who is it? It's the great Colin Quinn is live on the YKWD with Rich Voss is here too. Oh no, they want to podcast that. Yeah, and yeah, we're doing it. We're getting to give you a pitch for Chevy commercial. Oh, please let me hear it. What's that? What do we do? We have to do it do it what we do we have to do it

what i'm not going to do a lot of what might might my father-in-law don't father used to come up with slogans while we watch tv's that he would send in the companies and he had one for shavvy

and it was basically he would say uh... shavvy you might stand by son and law's heavy And it was basically he would say Chevy my son lost heavy Chevy my son was He said That's not it. He said, he came up with, he goes, He said, he said, he said, Chevy, you can't pass it, but you can go buy it. Exactly.

Did he sell these to, he sell them? No, no. But Colin and Jen liked it for some reason. They like it. It's cute. It's cute. I don't understand it Came up with her as when she won't do it on the bottom What do you say if you had headphones on you would have heard it? Oh good idea You never puts this fucking headphones on. I get earring. I know.

That's one of his things. I know. It's a annoying. What? He said that's funny. We'll say it again, Collins. I said, that slogan is funny. And any of your closers for 10 years.

Oh, Jesus. You got to pick up the phone for every lonely headliner that calls. What the fuck? I need your closures for 10 years. Oh, Jesus. Well, you've got to pick up the phone for every lonely headliner that calls. What the fuck? Calls not a headliner? He's a headliner amongst the sporting grays and the fucking... Oh, you know, and Eric Pagosians and stuff This is a one-man call

Stinks common stinks. He's done calling. I really enjoyed your tattoo This brown nose this brown nose her next to me said he likes your Ted talk I like your bed talk. Oh God. I'm going to the phone. Where, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,. You know, it's funny, we were invited and we didn't say we like your Ted Talks. He gets you nowhere. I was making fun of him. Oh, you are? Yeah.

Did he have a Ted Talk? No. I was calling a special a Ted Talk. Oh, shit. You got it. Oh, that's good. Thank you. I was like, I asked her if that would be too mean.

It's like doing. That's great. Thank you. It's so cold, Gabby. It's on CD. He went through every state. That's great. Thank you. She'll call Gabby. She went through every state. It was great. Yeah, put this up to the microphone like this when you talk to her.

Tell him who it is. Hello. Hey, Colin, it's Matthew Bruceard. I'm Matthew. How's it going? Why am I calling him? Tell him what you said. Oh, I said, I really enjoyed your TED talk.

He's he heard. He's calling your special a Ted talk We're calling you back to explain it joke Because he hasn't said a joke the whole episode. So that's why we didn't get it. I mean Okay guy who calls into a podcast he didn't call it, he called me dummy. We probably know each other. Oh no. One foot in the cellar and one foot out. Right.

So why would you? I'd be a little more cautious. I'll get you bound from there. Thank you for your advice, sir. Give me that. You heard Collins. Collins, I love you. I love you tone

He can get you banned from man-tucket Yeah, I love you just threatened his career All right, uh, creeps-to-kids calm please go there size putters I am a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy.

I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy.

I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm there to week after I just sell it in Rio. When is that when is that show we have at the sell though it's in September. Wait, what? 17th. 17th the pussy cat. There's a big show at the comedy seller at the put no the villi jundi ground. Okay, so buy tickets now comedy seller in New York City, villi

jundi ground. Buy tickets now. Get them now, because it will sell out. What do you got? And then follow Robert Kelly, Instagram at Robert Kelly Live, follow the page, I'm still doing your show. I love it. Keep doing it. Follow the podcast at YKW Dude podcast. And me at my Facebook, and Gabby at...

Gabby is Brian, and listen to my podcast, Unabashed podcast on iTunes and Spotify. And I have a monthly show every first Wednesday of the month. Yes, Matthew's doing it at the way station in Brooklyn called jiggie with it. Don't don't I'm kidding. I'll be I got naked in Robert Kelly's tent this weekend upstate and it was fun. I'm selling the tent. I'm selling the tent. Seven hundred all air. Power.

Watch that. I'll be on the air down the road. I'm gonna be out of it, power watch. I'll be out of the binnies with the richest weekend. Oh, that's great. Oh, cool. All right, what do you got, Michael? I'm at Microbruci on all social media, and you can listen to my podcast a little time on iTunes and Spotify and everywhere.

I'll swing that over to that kid. I like your tattoo. Thank you. Chrissy, what do you got? At Not That Cheney C-H-E-E-Y, I got a men's fashion and sneaker podcast up as you P question mark. And we got T shirts somewhere.

Remember to be happy.com. I don't know what's going on. I don't get updates. I don't know how much money, I don't know anything about it, by the way. Can someone get in touch with her? And maybe fucking, maybe I could get an invoice or something about something.

Mm-hmm. That doesn't say anything. But we got these shirts that are gonna be moved soon if I don't fucking get some information. These amazing shirts that Chris made. YKWD, the new logo that he put up there, the dude with the glasses, the Buddha dude. We have a goodie's.

Artvok, Artvok, Artvok. Calm, Bonnie, let's see what she has to say anyways you guys Zach. What do you got? Zach the new guy dang and thank you for coming in. Do you have a good time? I had an awesome time. I'm really excited. That was oh, you're the best. There's a great to see. I appreciate you coming in And yeah, she's a fan of the show dude. No, I mean before this you ever meet her. I've met her before yeah Are you on the phone I'm done I did my plugs yeah, but we didn't Rob you you could focus oh

You watched a deal with the shirts and the fucking Fuck I'm done I promise voice why the fuck do I need to hear that I promise the honest check out is YouTube page for Clipton Business Special yeah, yeah, this is special is coming out and Billy Burr special is coming out to To please go check it out We leave both of those specials coming out very Yannis is coming out now right is out. He's bringing clips out as as we speak bing go check about you guys the best fans of the world You know what, dude?

Thank you.