Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Batman Kills, Pushups, Lies

Episode Date: May 18, 2011

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I should just do it with you all the time. I did it with Bill Dawes a few times. Some people didn't like Dawes. Hahaha. Why, because of his gorgeous face? They don't know his face. Other podcasts. They don't know his face.

They were like, get ready, a dumb neighbor. I love Dawes. Dawes could be, could be one of my favorite guys in the world. Yeah, Dawes is a great fucking guy. I love him. I have a really fun time with that guy. He's really fun to hang out with. Yeah, you're both fucking drinking.

He's not a big drinker, man. When he gets drunk, he gets fucking happy. He does. He does. You don't like about Dawes? He'll throw it out of the drop of a hat. And he's a fucking dude. You get to a guy. He's not scared to guys. You know, that's good to fight.

You know what movie I saw last night on I watched it was so fucking funny. I saw a clip yesterday on gocker.com of fucking you know what the man's Cheney stater in Hollywood in front they have all the superheroes. Yeah, the people dressed in costumes. Documentary about them. Yeah, it was sad and great as that documentary. Yeah, it's fucking really sad, dude. Yeah.

It's real fucking sad. That Batman guy, it's like a dick. Well, this would maybe watch it. I was watching, I was checking out dockerTV.com, whatever it is yesterday, and they show Batman the fucking guy getting into a fight right in front of Man's Johnny's Theater. And he's doing this fucking crazy kung fu shit. Right. Like he's about to do a move.

And this other guy, this Mexican, just sort of a fucking white v-neck and some shorts and flip-flops is laughing at him. And then the Batman lost his fucking temper and pushed the guy. This guy just fucking bang, bang, just kept punching Batman in the head until he just fucking went down. Like he was just out on his feet to beat the shit out of Batman. And I was like, ah, this motherfucker. And then I watched the documentary. And in the documentary, he's got a fucking violent temper. He's got a real violent temper. He supposedly knows all these martial arts. He's a black belt and a bunch of them, but he's got this, he admits to murdering people, but he goes into therapy in costume.

Yeah. So he's in the Batman costume sitting there, talking to this fucking therapist as Batman about murdering people. And the guy's like, he's a guy, you know, I had to deal with these people. And he's like, well, how do you mean deal? He goes, well, let's just say that they're not around anymore. Uh, did you hurt them? You could say that. I mean, uh, did you, are they, are they, are they still hurt today? No. Are they, are they still alive today? No. This fucking idiotism admitting to murdering people and the guys

like, that's, guys like that's bad. He's like nobody could have a fine nobody, no one else find out. But there's no statue of limitations on murder man. Like the therapist is like dude, what are you fucking telling me? You just told me you just admitted to a murder on video for some shitty documentary to me.

The murder is like like dude you murdered somebody But the therapist probably also knows the guy's completely full of shit. I yeah, I don't think they got murdered anybody I think he's a looted. I think guys were a Batman costume In fact, man, you've had anything you said Yeah, that doesn't nullify a lot of fucking What what did you say nullify? lot of fucking uh... what? what did you say? nullify

whoa I didn't even finish the sentence you didn't know but you never heard you use a word like nullify well I got word of the day on the screen saver so I'm trying to fucking uh... step up my game you know what I mean? I like it. I like when you use words like that you do? oh yeah. so I can be a fucking nerd like you it doesn't sound nerdy when you say. You sound like an intelligent gangster. An intelligent gangster? Yeah, like a tough guy that reads. I like it. I like it. Yeah, it was a fuck, it was a

really a Superman's thought of his fucking tree. Oh wait, no, that's sorry, that's who I was thinking of. Superman is the guy. Yeah. Batman's not not too, but Superman's no, that's sorry, that's who I was thinking of. Superman is the guy. Yeah. That means that's not true, but Superman is the guy that's so crazy. He's got that girlfriend that he goes to the contest. He goes to the contest. It's actually like it's in Illinois, Illinois, or fucking Indiana every year. They at Metropolis, which is the home of the birthplace of Superman Supposedly but everybody knows it's fucking New York City We can even fucking go hang out and how do you say nullify and then supposedly Supposedly supposedly

Oh Shit We fucking Norton all of a sudden is that you think the No, you don't I realize you're there about you Because as I told you the day we're pretty close right? Yeah, this better be fucking really good I Know something that the other day value we we did the Skype thing. Yeah And as soon as I came on Skype you went like that she went

At my appearance and you started making fun of my neck thing. Yeah. And as soon as I came on Skype, you went like this, you went, ugh, at my appearance. And you started making fun of my neck, my little double chin here. Yeah. And it's not even a fat double chin. It's just you have a double chin in your life. Yeah, yeah. Which is the weird part. It's like, I have a double chin because I'm overweight. You have a double chin because that's your face. But good. Yeah. No, I'm just. I'm just trying to inside you. That's just. I got you. I got you. So, but you said that the other day. It kind of hurt a little bit. I was a little hurt by it.

Right. And I was like, after we hung up, I was like, yeah, I just kick me down like that. Why should you do that? I didn't say anything mean to him. And then I realized he's not kicking me down like that? Why does he do that? I didn't say anything mean to him And then I realized he's not kicking me down He just takes every opportunity to slam me right and I was like the only reason I'm hurt is because I There are opportunities I pass over to slam you no I got to say supposedly for months and I've never said anything every time I want to make fun of it I never say to my dad my herdish Felix Well, and I was like you know, I'm just gonna think that anymore. Well

It wasn't actually a thought it wasn't like let me slam Joe When you came up on video it almost just came out. It was like a spit-take You know what I mean? You're not It's not you had to be said it It just came out. It wasn't like a... It's not like I said... Need jerk. It was a need jerk response, you know, where you get on the... You know what's funny too is I've seen some of your early acting stuff.

You're a pretty good-looking guy. You look a Vince Vauntime guy when you've had the curly hair... And you're all pretty good-looking looking. Let me finish before you get so I can carry it with my eyes. Back then when you have the curly hair and you have the contacts you didn't wear the glasses you weren't trying to be an alt comic or look smarter than you are. You look at a Vince Von Tyde look. I think if you grew the hair back and had the curls and took the glasses away, much better looking Joe D'Arosa.

You know what's funny is I've been thinking about growing my hair out again. We worked the very least getting rid of my glasses. Right. I actually really like wearing glasses though. I like them as an accessory to the outfit. And contacts are painting the balls, dude. You gotta, you know, you gotta to take them out. You got to fucking

It's a lot of shit you got to do before bed, you know, it's not I hear you do that I couldn't I would love I would I have 2020 vision I go once a year to the eye doctor Hoping that my vision goes so I can get a pair of glasses Because I would look so much more intelligent and so much more interesting if I had if I was bald with glasses but every year I go back I have better than fucking good vision which sucks and mine it's a bitch dude cuz I'm near sighted so I need them to see far away shit yeah so it's like everything from watching TV to you know driving a fucking car. I need to wear these things.

So it's not even like, if I was far-sighted, it wouldn't be so bad. I'd be like, yeah, I gotta wear them when I read or if I look at shit close up. Right. But it's like, I really need them way more than I don't need them. Right.

So it sucks, man. It's kind of painless. Well, I mean, if you got a different pair, a little cooler pair of sunglasses. This is a cool pair of glasses. Ah, no. Is it a cool pair of glasses? No, I mean, they're not cool. They are.

No, they're not. I'm fucking tortoise shell plastic, they're fucking racing. You said it right, tortoise shell. Who the fuck? When did tortoise shell become cool? Dude, everybody wears it. Nobody wears the medals anymore.

No, fuck metal. I'm talking thick black sides get a pair of design Hang on let me finish before you get carried away. I had a thick black sides Maybe Versace or some Chanel's I had a product. I got stopped. Oh, well how'd they get stopped? I went to a concert and I was sweating and they split off my face I got smacked Fuck what I loved to be in there. Just lose.

Throwing the whole concept of it. Yeah, because you couldn't see a fucking thing. I could, you know, it's a concert. I could see good enough, you know, you know, and I was close to the stage. That's why they fell off. Because I went into the mosque. I do a joke about this.

I went into the mosque bit because I was drinking with my buddy and I thought like, oh, I'm young again. Oh yeah. I could still do this. So I go to the mosque, but my glasses immediately get trampled like a old man Did you try to look for them? I found them you found them. Yeah, they were just smashed today literally look like somebody held them up to a blowtorch

They were beyond smacked the frame Like had like all of a sudden had like a wave pattern in it. I was like how the fuck did it literally look like they were heat damage? I don't know how they got this damage. So why don't you scoop another pair that a fucking cool, grow your hair back a little bit instead of the shaved down look? I can explain all these things because I did get another pair. What happened was though, I was leaving the next morning for Philly. For it.

I was doing helium in Philly. You got big green eyes, Joe. You got big, pretty eyes. And I'll say it, Joe's got fucking pretty eyes. I'm, I'm telling you. And you don't show them. You hide them behind these fucking bitty glasses. I'm telling you something.

So I went, I had to go to Philly the next day, okay? Yeah. I needed glasses, dude. I couldn't, so I went, I had to go to this place, and the lady was really nice, and she could get them for me quick. Everywhere was like, it'll take us four days, it'll take us three days.

This was the only place where the lady goes, and I went in and they had these ray bands that were fucking dope, these black and white ray bands, and I was like, I want those, and the only frames they had were broken. But none of them so I had these yeah but you cannot you can get new ones now you could have you know what you do glasses are yeah like 500 bucks yeah so a lot of money yeah 500 bucks how much is the fucking leather you've been buying to the last fucking four months I'm bought any returned every one of them because you're a scumbag. And also to you, what else? We're going to stop this.

This is what people have to know about you. Is that you will go by amazing. You go shopping any chance you get. You close our fucking vital to you. You want to look good all the time. You want to be on stage looking good, walking around looking good. You are a

fuck. You are very woman like when it comes to how you look. Yeah. You know, even just this jeans and t-shirt, it's not just jeans and t-shirt. I'll wake up and throw a shitty pair of jeans on and a shit t-shirt. Your t-shirt has to match something like a shoe or go with the jeans. The jeans have to be a certain thing, your shoes have to be whether it's sneakers, everything you wear is put together. You are fucking crazy when it comes to your clothing. And then what you do, another thing you do that people don't know about you, you buy ship that's way out of your league.

You go buy a thousand dollar fucking jacket, Wear it. Wear it to an event. But the tags. You wore the fucking leather jacket to the Tribeca Film Festival premiere. You look like a million bucks with the leather on. I didn't know you had the tags. That's why you didn't take your fucking jacket on in that hot theater.

You're sitting there sweating your ass off with your leather on. Because you had the tags. And then not even, you know, when you get tags that go to a shitty jacket, it's little tiny Marshall's tag that's it. You, when you get a really nice leather, there's like three tags,

ones like an inch thick cardboard, a custom fucking logo tag. You had a lot of tags in your back, and you return the shit the fucking three days that you just brought it back I mean these people must hate you the commissions go out the fucking window because if Joe's walking in you know It's coming back in two days. I go to a different guy every time and I'll tell you what I'm doing out of guilt the guy that sold me that jacket now the reason I brought that jacket back

I would have kept that coat. Yeah, the reason I brought it back was I I brought that jacket back. I would have kept that coat. Yeah, the reason I brought it back was I Never looked 100% right on me something was something was urking me and then when I talked to that Many friends with a guy who knows a lot of our clothing and how it should fit you and shit, right? He told me goes. This is why you think it looks funny, right on you. He goes it's the The vertical zippers don't look right on you. You need horizontal zippers because the verticals are look all right and all right you got it's like I got it. So I got 30 minutes to do a podcast speed it up. I go I got to take it back but the fucking kid this kid by the way if you ever go shop it up. Oh God. If you ever go shop at Saxford Avenue in New York, nobody who

listens to this podcast shops at sax bit bad. If you're doing something for pay less, but subway sub shops, then maybe you can drop a plug in these. You're just sax and you see a guy named George, who's the fucking greatest guy. When I brought that jacket back dude, I go, dude, I'll be back. I promise. I'm going to go back and buy shit from that kid worth the same amount of the jack is I felt so guilty about returning it. That kid kid I'm gonna make sure I do right by well all right

Well, let's fuck it. I'm gonna do right by the dude. Yeah, you're gonna you You shut the fuck up. You're a good kid. You're right. I don't kid it. Did you take care of that kid? Yeah, you got it Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I think you should grow your hair back grow curly It will look fucking you look younger and you should get a different pair of glasses if not wear some contacts once in a while Here's the thing Joe and let's just announce this now Joe D'Arosa has been working out Joe D'Arosa on the slide apparently has been

The the the comments about his shoulders his tits., his upper torso, let's just say, which is very similar to, I think you've been compared to Will Farrell. No, who is it? Will Farrell. Okay, if you see him in old school running down the street, same shit. And you've been actually doing pushups. Nothing, you're not taking too far. You haven't joined a gym.

You've got a trainer. You're not going to the gym, sneak, you know, late at night. You wake up in the morning. You do pushups. 25, you up to 37. Oh, 37 pushups. Which, you know, roll. No, I do 27 and then I do, no, I do not know I do 30 I do 25 then I do another 12,

but this is important. I know 37 is not a lot. Let me just say that to everybody. It's going to leave a comment going there's no comments. There's no comments. We get no email. We get no comments. The good thing about this podcast is the the listeners are so few that you're not gonna get it. You're not gonna get trash. Should I like a nice anonymous podcast? This isn't Mark Marin, or Corolla, or fucking Burrs. You're gonna get maybe 20 people who'll listen to this.

Okay, good. So they do. I know 37's on a lot, but I swear to God. So don't wait. The first day I did it, dude. Yes. I think I could do like 15 total. the first day I did it, dude. Yes. I think I could do like 15 total.

It's fucking push-ups on all of it. It was brutal. And I'm getting them, dude. I'm starting to feel it in the shoulders and the chest. I gotta say, my chest is still mushy. Yeah. I'm starting to notice when I'm my shirt off. When I catch myself in the mirror, I don't immediately go, ugh.

I go, ugh, shit it. All right. Like, it's starting to look, you're starting to see a difference. But here's the thing, is you're, you're, you're doing pushups every day. Yeah. You wake up every day.

Yeah, I didn't do them yesterday. Do you take a shower? No, just doing whatever, I don't even, I've been doing, but you do the, I'm doing whatever I do. So you wake up, you do pushups, 37 now. You're up from 15 to 37, right? And you walked in today and you literally showed me

a tricep muscle. Yes. You have a little dent in the back ear on. It goes away after you flex for a couple of minutes. It actually, it goes away, probably because the muscle's not used to holding, you know, form form but you're actually getting triceps. So your dream is to get shoulders, some triceps and your chest to become more manly. Yeah I just wanted to form out a little bit so so then my gut is just like I got a little bit of a gut who cares

right now it looks ridiculous because it's just mushed right down. Well, yeah, you got little baby boobs. Yeah, I know. That you'll take care of with the pushups. Yeah. And then you'll get a little triceps, and you'll might get a little shoulders. I mean, I have to say, looking at you right now,

I don't see a fucking difference. But I, the face on you, you would you just, oh, here comes a compliment. Here it comes. It's a worst. But I'm glad you're doing it. I'm actually glad you're doing it. I've actually lost 10 pounds. Yeah. And here's the difference between me and you. Yep. I have muscle. I could see a little difference, Bob. Really? Good. Really?

See how friends are supposed to build each other? I'm a little bit... All right, here's the note there too. Okay, friends aren't supposed to lie to one another, either. I'm not lying to you, Joe. I'm not gonna fucking lie to you sitting here on this podcast to make you feel good. Right now, you can't see a difference.

You lie all the second time. I never lie. You lied about the fucking rigatoni. Your piece of shit. You can bring that up. That all freaking it up. Because you call me all depressed. You ate a large pizza by yourself.

And I was like man that sucks dude. And I was like and you hid the rigatoni. You hit it like a real psycho addict. You hid the rigatoni. I'm not about the ringtone. Because a week later when we were talking to Burry, you blabbed it out. And I really was like, this motherfucker just lied to me.

Because you were hiding it, dude. I did not have the pinkberry, too. No, you told me with the pinkberry. Who gives a fuck about pinkberry? Pinkberry is fucking good, dude. Sticks. Pinkberry is fucking the best. I'll tell you why I like to about pinkberry. Pinkberry is fucking good, dude. Stinks. Pinkberry is fucking the best thing. I'll tell you why I like pinkberry.

Ice cream, you need to drink water with. I need to have a cup of water. If I'm having ice cream, I gotta have water because of the fucking cream and all that bullshit. It just makes my mouth dry. Pinkberry, it's like ice cream with water. As you eat it, it's refreshing. And you get the, I get the mochi with the fucking,

the fruity pebbles and the chocolate bites. Ah, it's so good. My favorite part of any set I do is when I get to do the joke about you liking Pigbury and trash you. It really makes me feel good. You know, I'll see. Plods and laughs.

Well, I'm glad, see you now. You're fucking me. See how mean you are. Talking about your fucking kind. I do. I'm back. You're a fuck. I know I have your back when you're not around. Who's better? Me? Oh, you at least I do it to your face. If it wasn't for Morgan Murphy, you wouldn't even know that I do that joke. I was never going to tell you. She's going to hide it. Yeah.

You're a fucking rat bastard. So the this weekend, you were away. Where were you? Cincinnati at Go bananas. I had a nice time out there. Right. Was fun. And You're with who? I ate a guy named Bill Squire open and formed. I'm very I know Bill. I know I'm very

He's open for me a bunch of times. Yeah. Yeah, he he's worked with me a couple times now. Yeah, you know He's good because he's got a car so drive you to the mall So he's good with the fucking the MC's have a car. Yeah, you know, he's good because he's got a car so drive you to the mall So he's good with the fucking the MC's have a car. Yeah, it shows you how you know we went to see Thor Thor how was it fucking awesome was it good? I here's a deal that I read a review on Thor that actually said It was it was very similar to the dark, the way it was more of a drama action film than it was a superhero film. You know, the Dark Knight was more of a movie, like it had more of a plot and you were following

the fucking people and then it buzzed. Yeah, was it like that? Was it more of like a drama type suspense movie with the superhero element in it a much better Comparison is Iron Man 2 Iron Man 2 didn't have shit loads of action in it It had parts work did But it was really way more about the characters and about Tony Stark not wanting to be Iron Man anymore You know what I mean and all that shit? It was way more like that or like the way spider-man 2 was way more about

Him being in love with the girl and everything that it was about Dark Knight is I mean Christy the dark knight is like the godfather Batman but the Batman the first Batman, right? What was it? What was it called Batman? Batman begins though Patrice are we talked about this before where it was really good because it explained all this bullshit that they never explained. You know what I mean? Like, how did he get the fucking bat mobile?

Right. Yeah, you're a millionaire, but who the fuck builds all the shit that he had? It explained how his shit really worked. It was pullies and fucking, you know, shrewl shit that he used right for uh to to get people up or to get on top of buildings and all the his actual wings was some scientific fucking uh you know military shit that they never used which explained it which made everything plausible yeah uh fucking big words and that fucking sentence right and saying anything about that fucking big words and that fucking sentence right? You're saying anything about that.

Was it like that? Did it explain any of it? Did you have to really believe like, okay? They did a good job of justifying what it was. Because my whole problem with the Thor story was gonna be, you know, they're building up to the Avengers, right? They did the Hulk, the Dianne man, and so far, everything has been very science-based. Right.

It's been exaggerated science where it couldn't really happen at least now, but it was still all science-based. I was like, well, how the fuck are they going to justify Thor? He's going to be a god, a Norse god. That's ridiculous. What they did was... Don't do any spoilers, but... This is a...

You learn this immediately. It's a mild spoiler. Okay, go ahead. But you won't care, but somebody reser real nerd out there. Don't listen. Plug your earmuffs. But what they did was... Earmuffs fucking douchebag.

Instead of making them gods, what they did was they made it that they were these, they were just a race from a, they were interdimensional. It was a race from another dimension that had the ability to do scientific ability to do interdimensional travel. So they explain to Natalie Portman, he's like, look, I come from this place, we've been to Earth before and we've helped people on Earth. And we, and where I come from, what you guys call magic is what we call science.

Like it's just super advanced. So people here think it's magic because they don't understand it. Right. But it's just our advanced science. Right. So they did a good job of like, okay, like, but how was this, how was he as a superhero?

Cause I mean, there's been superheroes that I've never liked. Flash. Yeah, it gives a shit, right? Yeah, you can get that quicker than shippy. You still got a way for Superman. What the fuck did you do? You know what I mean?

Thor's hammer is this whole thing. Thor's hammer, but what is it? His hammer, when he has the hammer, he has, it gives him power. But basically what this hammer does, it lets lets him fly it's like this ultimate device Okay, he can throw it like a fucking boomerang and can fly through buildings You know, I wish they made and he's super strong. Don't you say they made superheroes now like they if they made Thor now would have been but they made that shit back in the day so they were like ooh a fucking hammer It's like if because they didn't have the technology back then, it wasn't realistic.

They had, they give them a hammer that has soup. Now it would have been fucking something way better. Well, Thor's hammer comes from the mythology. Like an iPhone. These apps. A fucking hammer stinks mythology. What, from the fucking gods? Yeah, well, Thor had a hammer. That was, that, I wish it was a sword. Well fucking to do a hammer

Well, Bob you'll be happy to know that there's a new Thor cartoon movie out where they saved before the hammer There was the sword and Thor has assorted it. Well good. So you could watch that one. Well, why didn't they fucking use that? So here the hammer is pretty fucking awesome man. Well, here's the thing too with with the Avengers that are coming out. It's going to be Iron Man, which Iron Man 2 I have to say before I go on was not as good as Iron Man 1. No it wasn't. It was still good though.

It was good. It was good. I love Rockwell, how great is Sam Rockwell? He's great. We got Thor, Captain America and the Hulk correct. Yeah, and Hawkeye Who make the fuck is Hawkeye? He's the guy with the bow and arrow. Oh, oh, a bow and arrow The fuck you gonna do with the bow and arrow

It's fucking it's fucking 2011. How are you gonna do with the bow and arrow? That's so funny Pat and I also want a joke about that where he talks about Jesus And he's like Jesus powers now. He's just like a shitty superhero. He can't do anything that cool And he goes he does this bit about Jesus trying out for the X-Men and they're like yeah, dude what you can make a lot of sandwiches out of one He's like why don't you go try out for the Avengers? They'll take anybody they got a guy with a bow and arrow True He's like, why don't you go trough for the Avengers? They'll take anybody. They got a guy with a bow and arrow. That's true. A fucking bow and arrow, dude.

The fucking gonna do with a bow and arrow. The Iron Man has lasers and a fucking rocket sink and fly. I mean, Iron Man is the shit and this guy has no money. At least Iron Man is a fucking gazillionaire. What's their face? Is it a two-scrawl at your hands? As whoever she was in Iron Man, too. What the fuck's her name? I don't know. He gives a fuck. She could do an Iron Man, too. It's a kick ass. She had no powers. Yeah, well, that's kind of what's cool I think about this whole shield thing is like some of the people are just super advanced, military, you know, black ops type shit.

And then some of them are fucking regular dudes advanced military, you know, black ops type shit. And then some of them are fucking regular dudes with these, with technology, like Iron Man, and some of them are actually like mutated fucking superheroes. Right. I think that's kind of cool. All right. So anyway, it's very, very can't do anything at all. Except he can say, he can say motherfucker, fucking bad ass way. He's got an eye patch. I don't give a shit. Sam Jackson can be at anything. I don't give a shit. Can you guys please they're shooting it right now? Can you please just give us one motherfucker from Nick Fury. Please just one. I think they're listening to this. I know. I know. Everybody of the fucking Favaro was listening to this

podcast. I met him one time at Aspen Comedy Festival and he started just talking to me. And I was like, I can't believe that Favaro's talking to me. And he's going on and on. I think he thought I was Norton. Cause he was like, oh yeah, I see him tough crowd all the time. I love him, I'm a fan of the shutter.

I go, you know me, he goes, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, I've only been on at that time, like maybe four times. You know, Norton was a regular. yeah, yeah. And I'm like, I've only been on at that time, like maybe four times. You know, Norton was a regular. There's no way he was talking to me. But Norton actually got paid back because Jiveis actually was talking to Norton, telling him a story about it. The seller one night was, he was on stage and Jiveis was with Louis in the back laughing.

And, you know, he thought that they were laughing at him at one of his jokes, but they weren't they were laughing at something. Louis said to Jovelle. And it wasn't, it wasn't him. It wasn't him. It was me. It's so fucking, but I'm favor. I just wanted to talk to you about weight fluctuation.

Oh, no. He goes up. He is my idol. He is my idol. I love that he was in Rudy. Then he was, then he played Rocky Marciano on a movie. He was ripped. Oh, dude, and fucking dude in fucking in in swingers

He was fucking shredded too. Yeah, and then he goes the fuck back up. I love it. I just gives me hope Yeah, my my idol when I was in my 20s used to be Brad Pitt That was my hope and then when I was that was about 25 and then at 27 I realized that was never gonna happen only two years for him the rest It's been Favaro and Robert Duval. This is fucking shitty genetic heroin. But so you were away this weekend. I was in fucking Knoxville.

Yeah, fucking kick. Oh, fucking every show kicks somebody out, except the one Saturday the first show. I mean, you know, I mean the first night lady right in the front row fucking shit face Commenting this is the thing is that people think hecklers are somebody who yells shit out of you You suck or fucking say something funny or that's not a heckler Hickling is also Sitting in the front row commenting after every joke or during every joke.

Somebody goes, woo! In the middle of your joke, every joke. Somebody who's actually having a conversation at the table with somebody else not listening to you. And you can hear the fucking conversation. That's fucking hackling. So I mean, another show, this lady got kicked out. Finally, they kicked her out.

The husband flips out, starts saying, fuck you, fuck you being a tough guy. You know, I'll fuck you, you're a fucking asshole as he's walking away. Then he sends me a hate mail the next day. I would have kicked your ass if you wouldn't have hit me on all the bodyguards. I was like, there was one manager

and he was in the back of the room. You were in the front row. You could have fucking jumped on stage anytime you you had 20 minutes to get me Then the next night a bachelor party of course, and it's usually just one girl in the bachelor party. They're probably nobody there likes fucking taking pictures talking next night next show fucking a guy at a table with some hot chick Literally having a full-fledged conversation laughing and giggling not even paying attention and I just gave up dude I was like you guys mind keeping it down a little bit you know go into the bar

right and They were they were a Paul they were fucking a pulp the guy talking to the chick the guy came over after goes Look dude, you got to really keep it down this the last time I'm telling you you getting kicked out He want to fucking leave and threaten to call the mayor Like like getting there. I don't know what the fuck that means. He's like I'm getting the mayor involved I've never been talked to like this You're not supposed to fucking talk you got told to shut the fuck up Five times even the girl the girl the bachelor party she everybody's like threatening the fucking sue or say it's like fuck you

Fuck you They're fucking nuts Nuts and that that goes back to the fucking poor guy in Canada same situation Fucking went back and forth and got sued they actually sued this mother for $22,000 Can't do comedy imagine that if that happened in the fucking America Some fucking asshole really did pursue one of these fucking things Jesus Christ almighty fucking ridiculous man Fucking ridiculous. No people and it's not but people always say it's the O&A fans too

Oh, and fans that go to my shows fucking best fucking best people ever. They come in, they're fucking yeah, they're excited to see a show, they're they're rowdy but not fun. They the best fans ever. I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like it. Guys and Philly at a show. Actually that same weekend when my glasses broke and they were amazing man. they all sat in the front row and it was the worst show of the weekend. All my cousins were there and there was a group of like 10 doctors in the audience and they were shit faced and they would not shut the fuck up. They were yelling shit. They were talking to each other. They were ruined the whole show and the whole show turned

into, I mean, dude, it got nasty where I was going Get the fuck out of here. I was screaming at them. I was just dude. It just the whole show turned on. It's fucking here. Yeah and Afterwards, I was depressed because I'm like god damn it That's not what people come out here to see like that's not what I want people to pay to see and God bless the only guys dude. They were like, dude, I saw more merch at that show than I saw any other show. And the ONA guys were like, dude, man, no, that was fucking awesome.

Like, we got to see like something we wouldn't get to see. Like, we got your back that was fucking great. And it made me feel like at least good that they understood what was happening and that I wasn't throwing the show. Yeah, but here's the deal though. That's all cool, but I don't want, I want to do a show. Of course. I want to be up there fucking being out, you know.

I want to be able to go into some new shit. I want to be able to fuck around or, you know, take a joke that's already there and get into it a lot. Stay in it a little longer and come up. And it sucks when you're up there and you have to fight when you got somebody there and you have to fight when you got somebody talking and you're literally in your own head listening to a conversation while you're talking. People are laughing. It's the most surreal fucking thing on the planet

that you have to keep going too. And you want to just go shut the fuck up and get the fuck out. But the consequences of that shit, the first night I fucking snapped on this lady and it was just fucking, it ruined the fucking show. And the people in the back didn't even get it. Like one guy was like, you know, after she got kicked out, he was like, I was talking a little bit about it. He's like, dude, just go on, man, keep going. It's like, you want to go shut the fuck up you too. Right right. Don't fucking you don't get it do you fucking idiot. You don't get it either. It's fucking out of it. Yeah. It's like being a it's like being an actor in the middle of a dramatic scene or something and somebody in the audience is

yapping and then you stop and go shut up and then it's like just keep going. It's like dude no now I'm out of my fucking zone. Like, I'm out of the role. But, you know, dude, I always say this, man, seven out of 10 times before I go at stage, I feel like this. Seven out of every 10 times. Remember in, because of the way the crowd is acting or the drugs, remember, Raiders of the Lost Ark when he's- Just for people to know that Joe doesn't have what regular humans have with a Associated things and pep talks and analogies to real-life situations Joe's are all movie intelligence. He right. Yeah, he's the original fucking Campbell guy. Right. Go ahead

But do you remember you saw Rachel last dark? course. Yeah, remember the part where Indiana Jones, where there's that big bald Nazi by the airplane, it's going, come on, come on. And Harrison Ford just makes that face like, all right. All right, I guess so, I guess we got to do this is what we do. That's how I feel, seven out of 10 times for a guy who's just like, here we go.

Okay, I used to get a fucking. They just like, here we go. Okay, I used to get fucking fight. All right, here we go. I used to get that way before the show. And with the middle of it too, the middle is, oh my God. Fucking, oh, fucking stop it with the fucking D. There's T-shirts in the middle of your fucking act. It's a 10 minute joke about a fucking T-shirt that's about to be rolled down.

Here you go. Rump, here's the t-shirt for this joke. I'll be selling it. Fuck you. Well, I need to make extra money. Fuck you. I did too when I was in middle of it. You know what, made me make extra money? I became a headliner. That's how you get more money. The fuck you want to make headliner money and be a middle-er. Makes me fucking sick. The merch that these guys have, it's fucking sick-ning. Really, there's no more, let me work harder and become a headliner.

Let me move out of my comfort zone and move into a city like New York or LA and work my way up to the fucking top. Let me just skip all the fucking steps and get, just make the money. You know, I'm fucking putting that thing in. I haven't in my contract. Nobody else can sell shit except for me. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a shit, dude. Fuck it. It's so annoying. It's so fucking cheesy. It's like an elixir salesman up on a fucking apple box in the middle of a show. And you can't not do that bit

because you have to sell fucking shirts. And the audience doesn't get that either because I fucked with... Oh shit, I fucked with Squire. What is he selling? Halfway through the... He's got a t-shirt, a bumper sticker, and a CD, and I fucked with him. Halfway through the show. And I go, oh my god, what are you doing?

I go, you fucking... I was on stage and I go, Bill, you fucking traveling salesmen. You know, open your suitcase and products. And I go, I got 50 bucks. How much of your shit can that buy me? I'm like, what else are you fucking selling back? I'd love to buy, I would, that'd be a great thing to go and buy it all and then fucking huck it in a trash.

I'll buy all your shirts here. Now don't sell any for the rest of the weekend. Fucking burn them in the parking lot. Fuck it. Look, man. That should be a headliner's privilege to sell shit. And I feel guilty selling shit. I wish I could give shit away. I wish I could give my CDs and my t-shirts to the fans

for nothing, you know? But I'll have certain things. I'll have a t-shirt sometimes I'll bring my DVD CD sometimes I'll have some flyers or whatever I have To give to the fucking fans, but I hate doing it. I hate sitting out there I feel cheesy sitting out there selling it. I do it because they you know if I don't do it They like what the fuck dude? Why don't you have something? I wanted to get something yours But if I didn't have to do it, I I don't do it, they're like, what the fuck, dude? Why don't you have something? I wanted to get something of yours. But if I didn't have to do it, I wouldn't fucking do it.

I like just doing the show and then I'll take a photo and hang out and meet everybody. But I don't know how you feel when I was in middle-air, I wouldn't even dream of selling anything. I wouldn't even fucking dream of it. Never mind, how did you get the 2,500 to get all those t-shirts? Won't you save that fucking money? It's fucking ridiculous. You got the cart before the horse, man.

And you're with Bill Squire this weekend and he fucking... He's a fucking interesting guy. That's fucking... Let's just put it that way. He's a wildcat. He's a wildcat. Yeah, he is a... He's a cuckoo cat.

Yeah, he is a wildcat. He's just a... A fucking mess. He's a wildcat. Yeah, he is a fucking cat. Yeah, he is a wildcat. He's just a fucking mess. He's a mess. He really is a mess. I worked with him a few times at some clubs. And here's the thing, I would usually feel guilty about fucking with a guy on a podcast like this. He's out here.

But he really wants to be part of that whole O and A thing.. It's like, welcome to it, buddy. Here it is. Here you go. Welcome to the fastest. Get trash. We're not around. Please. Go ahead. Take my place. You're the weakest link. So anyways, just a little update. Me, you, Berger, going to be a Montreal comedy festival this year, doing our little update. Me, you, Burr, gonna be a Montreal comedy festival this year. You know, in our show, Cheat, we're gonna be doing other shows.

Our movie is actually going to be in the festival this year at the film part of it. Cheat will be up there. So if you wanna go see Cheat, make some reservations up into Montreal, go up there. It rains a just for less Montreal and just for that Chicago. It's going to be a Chicago too. Chicago's June, Montreal's July.

Right. Please come see it if you're in either one of those cities or here, one of those cities. We're trying to put together a screening in New York City at the Comedy Cellar. We will screen the movie there and then we'll do a show with Colin Voss, Bonnie, me, you, and hopefully Burr. So we'll let you know about that.

A little technology shit that I've, I've, I try to do a little tech stuff at the end of the show's now. I got new headphones this weekend. They're called the, the, the, sport. You need a power beads. Well, I did because what I actually might need a new phone too, because somebody spilt a beer on my fucking iPhone.

I don't know who it done so much. It's you, that's who it is. You're a spiller, Joe. That's what you are, you're a spiller. You spilled drinks down your headphones. No, but I don't know if it's my headphones or my, I just wanted to bring that up. All right. But these headphones actually kind, I just wanted to bring that up. All right.

But these headphones actually kind of shit the bed in the last week. All right, so you got these new squirt. Well, I have the DDPs, which are my favorite headphones. If you're looking for a mid-range, expensive headphone, DDPs, they're around 150 right now. Yeah, they're expensive, but not a, do the, look it. I have the ultimate ears, $1,500, custom headphones.

They're monitors. Why don't you just use those all the time? They're too good. You can't use them walking around New York City. You'll get hit by a cap. You'll get killed. What are you using for? I'll use them when I go on long flights.

Anything over five hours, I'll take my ultimate ears because they literally shut everything out. You can use them as ear plugs, you know, fucking dumb baby on the flight of people talking, go right the fuck out with them. They're unbelievable, but I don't use them all the time because they're, they're 1500 dollars, I don't want to fucking lose them. So I use them when I really want to hear fucking music or when I'm on a long flight and I don't want to hear anybody else

But in between that, I mean you got the iPhone earphones a $30 or a hundred dollar V modems which are good But they're not as good as the fucking ditty beats the ditty beats are a good mid-range They had good headphones go anywhere from a hundred to 1500 dollars for really good headphones The ditty beats are really good. And then I got these power beats, the new ones. They actually go over ears, they bend up and they fit over ears. They're actually pretty good. They have the phone thing on it, the click, the volume up and down, an extender. So if you're looking for a pretty good set of headphones, I

would either go with the ditty beats, black or the power beats that just come up These are actually a 169 these are more expensive than the ditty beats But you can wear these at the gym you can wear that you can you know They they can get a little water in them. It's not like the ditty beats You can't really wear it the gym okay if you get them wet But these are actually really good headphones and they go over your ear too So you don't have to worry about them popping out and falling out like the ditty-beats come out so they're really good headphones for you to fucking tech nerds out there and that's about it okay any tech stuff Joe what really

I do yeah all right let's fucking hear it yeah for you to actually two apps you need to check out all right for you iPad users amazing program called Ianetate. It's either called Ianetator Ianetation. What it is is it's a PDF viewer, any sort of PDF file, where you can utilize the PDF as if it's an actual piece of paper. So somebody sends you a tax form and goes, hey, I need this back. Can you print it, sign it, scan it?

This thing right on the fucking screen, you sign it, you save it, you email it right out. You can highlight shit. It's just anything, it's an amazing business tool for PDF documents. It's what about that other one I told you about? Rehearsals good, but rehearsals good for scripts if you're an actor. This is like a business any type of PDF. It's got an impact browser. You can download the PDFs right within the

app. You don't have to go out and load it in or any of that bullshit. It's an amazing, amazing program. Check that out. And there's a new one for the phone, which this is really geared a little more towards iPhone, Verizon users, and some droid people. It's called Line 2. And what it does is, it's an app that allows you to have a second phone number on your phone, or a second line, essentially. And why it's good for Verizon users is because the only step back with Verizon iPhone is Verizon with their service,

it's hard, you can't merge calls and the call waiting features aren't as good as they are in AT&T and stuff. On this, this allows you to have a separate app, separate line, I think you can have it just as your regular number if you want. So when people call in and you're using it, you do make calls and everything through this app, separate line. I think you can have it just as your regular number if you want. So when people call in and you're using it, you do make and calls everything through this app, you can merge your calls, you can do all that bullshit. Also, it's ten bucks a month, but it allows, if you work within the app, it allows you unlimited free calling

and unlimited texting because it does all your calls and texts via Wi-Fi or the 3G signal, not over your regular phone signal. So you can get this thing and actually significantly drop the cost of your bill every month. And you can use it out of the country, I would imagine, since it's Wi-Fi. Yeah, and I think it's unlimited free calling, U.S. to Canada. Right. You know, whether you're in either place. So you go to Canada with that, there you go. You can use your fucking phone whenever you want. I actually use Skype on my phone, which is good in Canada, to make free calls. But all right, those are two good,

I'll give you credit, very two good fucking app. The recommendations. The movie we were talking about earlier is Confessions of a Superhero. It's on Netflix. It's about the superhero, the fucking actors, wannabe actors that hang out in front of Man's Chinese Theatre in superhero outfits and take photos for money. And if, I mean, Jesus Christ, these are fucking lunatics,

fucking lunatics. I think Wonder Woman is actually available right now. Oh, she's smoking hot. But check out that movie. That's about it for the podcast. We'll see you next time. Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Espectacularismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sincín de aventuras desperan. Y paraas, vuelas desde Madrid a Murcia y a otros destinos que CESOR prenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea.

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