Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Bert Conquers YKWD

Episode Date: December 12, 2011

Robert sits down with comedian Bert Kreischer, host of the Travel Channel's 'Bert the Conqueror'.   RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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I can't stand it, because I can't help it, because I get, here's the thing, and I was, I was said this honestly, I've always surrounded myself when it comes to comedy wise with like guys like you, you know, funny people that make me laugh. And so I end up not wanting to be a comedian, just sitting around and just listening.

Like when you were running all the gear by them, that just makes me laugh hysterically. But so then I had a laughing non-stop and then I fucking sound like a giggling fool. People go back on an egg, go back on an egg, and just laugh. You just ruined the podcast with fuck, I'm kidding. Fuck, I know I'm kidding, that's nothing. Yeah, so yeah. Well, Bert, Kreischer.

Thanks. And that's how you said, I used to call you Bert Kreisler. That's, I called in to radio there the day. They were filming in West Palm and I called in and they're like, we're here with Robert Kelly. I was like, Bobby and they're like, why does he call you Bobby? I was like, shut the fuck?

I got us no one know you as Bobby. Well, everybody calls me Robert. Yeah. Who's not friends with me? Yeah. Yeah, and most of my friends call me fucking dickhead asshole. Fuck you, shit dick, dick smack, dick smack, I'm trying to bring dick smack back.

So, so my favorite Bobby Kelly story. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, my fucking, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Really fucking, you get your own show on the travel channel. You all the sudden you take over. This is your documentary, this is my fucking podcast. Okay, all right, go, go. No, no, tell me to go.

I'm not gonna go. I'm not gonna just go. That's, see, that's exactly what I'm saying. You gonna stand? I'm going when I wanna go. Okay, all right. So you just wait. I'm listening.

You, don't tell me. I'm gonna tell you what to do. You just fucking sit there. Okay. All right. Okay. All right. All right, we're gonna go now. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right, we're gonna go now.

Okay. All right, we're going. Now, listen to me. Um, Bert, Chrysher. Yes. I want to give a little, because some of my, I mean, I know everybody should know who you are, and if you don't, you're a fucking asshole. We have, we have separate circles of Twitter followers, I'd say.

A little bit. I mean, they know each other. Yeah. But they've never come together. Like, I would say everyone that follows me definitely knows who you are. Right, and everybody that follows me definitely knows who you are. No, absolutely, absolutely.

Absolutely. What do you say? My followers aren't fucking good enough? No, your followers, I don't think know me. Why? Because your followers are like tough crowd followers. Your followers are true, like old school comedy followers. Cool.

My followers are like brand new to me. They know me from podcasts, like from Rogan's podcast. Right. Everyone from Rogan's podcast knows who you are. Right. And they know me from Jay Moore's podcast. Everyone who listen to Jay Moore knows who you are. Because it's a lot of crossover with the O&A Posse.

I've only done O&A. But then you have a whole travel channel. Oh, okay. Well, that's like 3000 followers. Yeah, but that's 3000 followers. But a lot of those people are too old to get on Twitter. Yeah, I'm kidding. No, no, no, no.

My fans, like, I'm saying. You hate when a fucking mean joke doesn't work and they take it serious. Because then you just feel like the dick that you weren't trying to be. No, a lot of the people, like I said, say to people I see the shows, they go, oh, they do something, go hit me up on Twitter and they're like, oh, I'm just on Facebook. And I was like, I can't fucking Facebook. I can eat, I can mail you, do you have a address? Can you take a fac-cil?

Oh my God, the other day, the other day, we're in Fort Lauderdale, I texted Bobby to find out what hotel they were keeping us at, so I was flying my kids in. I don't want to stay at the pool, which was a great weekend, great weekend. Great hotel. Great hotel, great club, great press. Everything about that Fort Lauderdale

and Prophecy Dream Club. By accept, accept Thurston Night was the worst show I've ever had. One of the top five worst shows. Really? Ever. Thurston Night, Friday night standing ovation. I never get to see the place. I'm fucking believe it.

I never get to see it. I don't get to meet it, but I got one. So you know, I was one of those you know I wasn't doing this at the end of it you weren't doing it I'm doing you weren't doing it thank you Just waiting for it like saying Michael Jackson man You fucking say it It gives a fuck I said I said

Joe Koi so I go to do the I'm I want to get back to that so I'm in the heart for him Improv and they're like or funny boom whatever it is and I'm in the Hartford improv and they're like, or funny bone, whatever it is. And I'm in the back and the manager comes in and after my like Friday earlier show and I go, good room, she goes, no, well, we had Joe Koei last week and he got standing ovation on every show. Like really? And I was like, that's exactly what I said.

I go, because that is so rare to getting a standing ovation. You earn one. To get one on every show, something makes me feel like you're begging for it or something is in disingenuance happening to make it happen. You're like the guy who is in Scarface who goes, ah, like this with the same thing. I'll tell you people who get him. Famous people.

Yes. Famous people because, okay, people come out like a Louis CK, we'll get a Jerry Seinfeld. Those guys get him because they're in a theater, a bigger venue. You pay him $55 for a ticket. Paying 55 bucks for a ticket. $55 to $100 a ticket. Yeah. Then cook, get got them. Yeah.

I mean, it's what you do after a big event. At a comedy club. It's to get a standing ovation. If you're not famous. Yeah. If you're not like, I mean famous, like, you know, Seinfeld famous or Louis C.K. Famous, hard to do. Very.

And so the manager tells me this. And as she's telling me this, I'm sitting there going, are you serious? And she goes, every show, he's always getting standing ovation. He's the best comment we've ever had come through here. And I see the cook behind her, right? Black dude. And he's like looking like it was his face. I know why that matters.

Racist. No, no, no, this is because I'm about to do an accent. I don't want you to go away. He's definitely black. He did that or M&M. Now this is better be a good black accent. So, she leaves, right? Shuts the door, all of a sudden the door opens

and the cook comes in, you know, with one of those old Jamison improv shirts that has grease all over it and the apron and the cook pants sticks, and he goes, well the fuck are closed on a Michael Jackson impression. Come on. What the way?

Oh my God, I am, I'm like, I go, thank God this is, this is know, so yeah, well you know what dude here's a deal I I I I was surprised yeah, I got it. It was fucking like I'm not it wasn't those one with that one girl stands up and you go and you and the guy points out and goes Thank you. Yeah, but then everybody's like oh shit. All right, fuck it. You know what I mean, now, standing over. And there's some guys, I know a guy in Vegas, I used to MC in Vegas at the Harris. He would say at the end of the show,

did you guys have a good time? Yeah, well usually you stand up. You stand up if you have a good time. That's how you show the comedian you had a good time and he would force the standing over. This same shit is like, no, they giving me the light. So it looks like I gotta get out of here. No, no, they giving me the light. So it looks like I get to get out of here.

No, don't go, please stick around. One more thing before I go. Yeah, I know you're here to see Robert Kelly. What, shut the fuck up. Don't mention my name. I've had people go on stage and be like, well, that's my portion of the show. I appreciate you guys coming out to see me.

We got another comment coming up. I'm like, whoa, motherfucker, I'm the one to impress in the morning. Yeah. Anyway, to go back to the original story up, I'm like, whoa, motherfucker, I'm the one doing a press in the morning. So yeah, anyway, to go back to the original story is I'm sitting right here. We are going back to this, the road, that me and you, because we're at the road right now, we're doing the same type of road.

So we're running into the same psychological, fucking headaches. So we're going back to that. So go finish this story, but we're coming back. No, no, no, no, no, there's no, it was such a fucking throw away. Let's stick on the road because it was just that my daughter Answered the phone in the hotel and said hello, and then I said hang it up. She didn't know how to hang it up She was like what do I do? What do I do? I go you put it on the thing? She goes what does that do? I go it hangs it up She's fucking fives never hung up a phone. That's it. That was it. Sorry. So anyway, let's go back to the road

Jesus, so yes, I've never edited this podcast I might fucking edit it. I might I actually Michael back out and take that shitty. Jody started story out What are you on Bob and Tom? You ever done Bob and Tom. No, I've never done these are you serious? No, very different than ONA I would imagine I would imagine but they're probably nice guys, just very different. Very different. But the energy is the same in between breaks. Really?

Very similar. What do you mean? They're quiet, and everyone goes in real way. And I think that's to keep it live on air. No, they don't like each other. I'm kidding. No, that's usually what happens in between the video. But I was sitting in the room on both shows going like,

here's the thing is they've been doing it for 15 years. And every day, five days a week, waking up at five in the morning, seeing the same fucking douchebags. After a while, it's like, I get it. You're gonna go sit on a couch and do your thing and check your dumb phone. And as soon as you go back on, blah, blah, blah,

let's get the fuck outta here. Yeah, after a while. But my fucking thing is on the road, and I'm actually getting better with it now, but the last couple years, what I went through was, you know, no one gives a fuck. Either you're the headliner selling out six shows or four shows, making club a shitload of money,

or you're going in, putting on one of the best shows that they've ever seen. And they've seen that. They tell you that. Yes. When you get done and they go, you know what? I've seen a lot of shows here. You're the best I've ever seen.

Right. I mean, in comparison to who they see, if you look at the bill, there are out of, out of say, one quarter where they have maybe 30 acts going up throughout the quarter. Right. 25 of them are guys that are, should not be doing it anymore. They're mediocre. Yes.

And then there are five, and that's 25 are people that are making 80 grand for the weekend. I mean, there are guys that are just phoning it in. I'm not saying like big names, but like, I mean, names that did SNL back in the day, long time ago, they're still doing their own gigs, they have a mortgage and they just go in, phone her name,

but then they're like, oh, I saw that guy. Well, here's the thing though, is that guys like me, guys like you, we give 100%. Yeah. I'm not gonna say 110% because I don't think that exists. We give 100%. We fucking kill it. We go up and we try to fucking really level the room.

For not four, 10 minutes, and then, you know, from the second I opened my fucking mouth, to this, when I say that, it's all my time, an hour, I'm gonna fucking do the best shit I got. Try to make you laugh, okay? Some guys go in there and just fuck off. I would, these guys doing three hours, by the way, you know, you hear this,

because I get fucked up, because at an hour, I'm like, wow, that's enough. I think a show should be an hour and a half. That's it. Physically, somebody can only laugh. Their body, open them all, and make that physical laugh movement for an hour and a half, and then you start to get tired, and then the check's dropped,

and all this shit happens, and you want the end of the show to fucking go up and on a strong note. But these guys are going for three hours. It's not a fucking killer three hours set. It's an exhausting three hours. It's an exhausting, you have to be a fan. A fan. Oh, like, there are very few people

I'd watch talk for three hours. I'd watch Chris Rock talk for three hours. I'd watch Jesus talk for three hours. I'd watch Jesus talk for, and Chelsea Handler. You like Chelsea Handler? You like Chelsea Handler? I do like Chelsea Handler, but I would be on the show.

No, she won't have me. Really? Yeah, because I think I'm a more man. Like I'm like a. To alpha? Yeah, like she won't have like fucking alpha male. She has like guys she can beat up, pound around, like guys who trim their beer up to their,

their beard up to their chin. Like those guys, I think I asked to be honest, I liked the show and I'm good in that kind of environment. And they were like, no. And I was like, okay. And then one of the, one of the writers came out to do stand up, Chris Frangeola did stand up with me. He featured for me.

And I went up, had a great set. And then he was like, he was like, man, you are hilarious. Like you should come on the show. And I was like, I'd love to, man. Can you set that up? And he was like, of course. And then I had them follow up. And they they're like yeah, it's still not happening because you can't She that show doesn't work with a man. You got to be like the you got to be like a what is it a beta male?

We're like like I mean everyone's gay on the show, you know, I mean like Ross Like it's the whole show is like and then the women are men and the women are men So you can't flip it around and have a man be like, you know, yeah, easy there, skirt, you know? It's a fucking softball team. Yeah, it's, yeah. So I mean, I still like the show and I still love to do it, but I'm never going to get on it. Well, the thing that, the thing that like I run into on,

you go on these, the road and, you know, you don't bring your guys, you can't bring your fucking, you don't have enough money to bring the MC and the middle are like some of the guys do like, Rogan brings his guys around that's the dream that's a kid on a tour where it's you and your friends because you I don't know if you've been in the situation but I was in the state you didn't have to do the road as early as I did

side kids like seven years ago I had started kids and I needed money I was broke I didn't know you know you didn't need to do the road the way you always had like TV shows what tours with the way you always had like TV shows Tours with day like you always had Dude, okay, how many years of you making six figures hang on one second how many years of you make it six six figures? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know how long that's probably I'm gonna guess. I'm gonna ballpark it at seven years in a row No, not that. No. Yeah. I would say after tourgasm, yeah.

So that was what? I would say six years ago. Half of it. Half of it. There was six years ago. It was, it was. Four years ago. Four years ago.

Four years ago. 2000, when, here's the thing, I didn't make a money off tourgasm. Let's just put that out there. I didn't make a dime off HBO. Are you serious? I didn't get paid by, I got paid by Dane to do tourgasm before anything happened when it was supposed to be a dime off HBO. Are you serious? I didn't get paid by, I got paid by Dane to do tourgasm

before anything happened when it was supposed to be a documentary. I got paid like $1,000 a show. To do 20 shows 30 days, one boss for guys. Yeah, me, me, me. Right, I got paid that to do just the tour. And we didn't know what was gonna happen with it. He was gonna make a documentary out of it,

make it into a DVD and sell it off his website. Dane wasn't Dane when we did Tourgasm. So so that years later, maybe a year and a half later is when he blew up, HBO stepped in our special and then they saw Tourgasm and they were like, we'll take this too. So I didn't get one fucking nickel. Listen to me, not a fucking nickel. When I broke my knee, I used my own insurance.

Because when we did that, nobody, everybody backed out. When I hurt my knee and I had to get ACL, nobody paid for my anything. If I didn't have insurance, I would have been fucked. Really? Oh yeah, dude, I probably lost money on fucking Torgasm. The way I made my money on Torgasm,

and I bought my fucking apartment in New York, and blah, blah, blah, I had to go on the road and use that fame that I had, and just fucking blow it out for two years. So I was on the road back then, dude. I was on the, and before that, I was on the road making fucking $1,000 for a, like Wednesday to Sunday at improvs,

headlining on off nights. I would go into these clubs and, dude, I was given like the fucking, oh my God, set. In front of, you know, these pack shows, cause they give all the tickets out. Yeah. And I would fucking just kill it and for like a thousand bucks.

See that's the, that is the, okay, then that what I'm saying right now is the probably the most dominant energy in comedy is that you look at others people's careers and you think they're automatically better than yours. Yeah. Like I was like, I remember when I had a kid, I'd watch you guys on Tough Crowd, like that was when Tough Crowd was big. Oh wait, I'm sorry, my career's better than yours. Yeah. Like I was like, I remember when I had a kid, I'd watch you guys on Tough Crown.

Like that was when Tough Crown was big. Oh wait, I'm sorry. My career's better than yours. Absolutely. I'm not saying that. Absolutely. Please, I'm just trying to relate to you. I would never take your career.

I would. Oh. I was like, no. I remember when that was going on, I was featuring on the road. I had George O's my oldest and I would sit on, I'd watch Tough Crowd and just be like, and aw, because it was everyone that was, you guys were all like a year above me in comedy

and I'd watch you guys and I was doing the road, I was making $700 a week flying myself out, trying to like piece it together to keep the girls and like everyone happy but still be gone. And I'm still partying, like pretty hard. And but then I look back and I'm like, during that time, that first leap that I had probably like six years ago, when I was headlining everywhere,

the thousand dollar nights, where they'd set you up, man, and they'd set you up to fail. Like they'd bring to fail like they'd bring you in they'd be like never heard of this guy let's fucking bury him but they still do yeah still do I mean you know I don't know how you're changing a little bit and it's changing for me a little bit I it's gotten better in the last year for some reason because I said no I said no yeah the most powerful thing in this business is the word fucking no and I said no a couple like powerful thing in this business is the word fucking no. And I said no a couple of years ago to some things and I was like, nope, not doing it.

I would rather not have or have to change my life a little bit here and be happy than to be miserable and be taken advantage of on the road. And I said to my agent, I go, this is what I'll do. This is not, don't even call me. Don't call me. And I said, I don't want people selling shit at my shows. Don't ask me. I don't want people coming up to me and ask me.

And no guest spots. I don't want people just, those are the things that make your weekend fucking hell. When you go in and you have a feature who's selling three t-shirts and see three dbds for $20 But the joke at the end of his act is the t-shirt Yeah, I'm saying while you just turn me into a hack now. I have to tell this fucking. I sell this fucking Oh, can I have one? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, but here's a difference Wait, I sell this fucking t-shirt and I have to tell this joke if you know give me if you know give me one of those fucking shirts I'll kill you can you move the why would you have a drink in front of it dude?

It's I'm kidding I'm kidding So yeah, but so it I love it. Is that an exhale double X? Yeah, I want one I have to tell that joke at the end of every show because if I don't do it I did one night I didn't tell it and they're literallyelt attest there were people coming up going Do the only reason I bought tickets to hear the machine story and I'm like yeah, sorry I don't know what happened again. Listen, I'm not talking about you. You've paid your fucking dues

Yeah, you've been out there. You've been hustling. You've been fucking you you you you went on the auditions You you booked the fucking show on the travel channel. You did hurt Bert Yeah, you you you you paid your dues in the village. You're the headliner. You get to hold up a fucking t-shirt and stick it in your asshole and sell that after the show. Whatever the fuck you want to do is you can be able to do. For some guy who's been doing it for three years

and you have a DVD and a CD that you made in your fucking basement, okay? And you're under selling me. Yeah, and you're under selling, and you got a t-shirt with some, if the joke isn't even fucking funny, it's not a funny joke. That should be the rule with t-shirts.

It should be a funny joke. If the joke is funny, you could sell a t-shirt. If it's not, you've have to burn them all in the parking lot. And then you come out and they get all, it's like, dude, do you mind? I'm just trying to make a little extra money. Yeah, dude, this is the problem.

This is what not making enough money in the middle or benefits you because that makes you want to become a headliner because you don't make enough money as a middleer to support yourself. So you either have to get another job and quit this business, or you have to become funnier and take my job. That's your responsibility.

That's why you don't get paid, that's why it's a good thing. You don't get to use CDs and t-shirts to compensate, to make as much money as I do, okay? So that you can stay in that shit spot and do your best 20 fucking do whatever the fuck you want in the middle, think you're a superstar and then you'll never ever progress. Cause I used to watch guys like Dean,

I'd watch guys like Jay, a rogue, and I used to watch Rogan and fucking Colin and I'd be like, I want that. I want that. I want that. Yeah, that's a natural feeling in this business. It's to look at those guys. Yeah. In like, in like, oh, in the back, I still do it.

Now I think, now I think, and I, you'll probably agree with this, is that I look at those guys, like I look at Colin, Colin, there's a lot of guys that I look at and I go, I want the ability to be better like that. Like I want to be better, I just want to be better now. Like I go, I can headline everywhere. I can do, you know, talk shows or whatever,

but I want to just go to the net. Like I want to, I want to be able to fucking be proud of my material and write in my voice and be more authentic, you know, I like that. Well, Paul said that to me. He said, he said, the day you're a stand-up comedian, a great stand-up commas where you can walk off stage and not feel guilty.

I feel guilty, everybody. Well, here's the deal, man. You're, I transitioned like four years ago when I, my life fell apart personally. My life, I would say five, six years ago. What happened? So just my life fell apart. I almost lost my chick.

I almost lost everything. Because I was a piece of shit, you know, running around, fucking being a hunk of garbage, and, you know, doing comedy, and that's it. And then everything got almost taken away, and I was gonna be alone, and I made a decision to go get fucking help, and try to be just a better human being.

And to the people that I care about around me. And then I, you know, I, I want to get engaged and want to get married and like kind of fall in love with my wife and, um, and that and go to therapy once a week, twice a week. That's when I started to actually go on stage and talk about shit. That's when I found my, I started finding my voice. Yeah. Because yeah, I may look like a big fucking tough guy, you know, bald fucking asshole from Boston,

but I'm just a hurt little boy. That's all, anytime I'm just getting my feelings hurt all the time. That's why I want to beat people up, because I'm just hurt. I remember the time, this is a quick story, man. When we did the RV trip, oh, yes.

Across the country, me and you rented me, you Frosty, who was our agent, VintedNastry, who was our agent, my manager, your manager. And we rented a huge RV, and we drove across Arizona, Utah, and went up in Vegas for two days. Yeah. And it was amazing. It was, I still to this day can't imagine that we had that much disposable time and

Income that we could just go for like I didn't I spent all the money I had on that trip. Are you serious? I was broke after that trip We went for like 10 days and like 10 days. It was a great fucking trip I posted some of those pictures on Twitter the other, like a couple weeks ago. We had a great trip, but if you remember, me and Bert almost got into a fight. Well, I was drinking, let's just say I was drinking from the second I woke up, into the second I went to bed.

We used to call you a silver baccarilla, because Bert, he would sleep, he slept on, you know, the bed above the driver's seat, and the passenger seat. There's a bed that he kinda had to roll up into. He didn't give a fuck, which was great. Bert, Bert's the best guy to be on the road with because he doesn't care.

He goes and check, he doesn't give a fuck, he's like, I'll fucking take this. I don't give you, he rolls up in there. But in the morning, he would just roll out in his underwear with like a ball hanging out, one sock on and just boom, boom, boom, boom, and just fucking go through and knock and shit over to take a piss.

That was a great trip, but I was on, I was on like, I was also on like a, I don't like, there was like, what it was, it led up to, it was three things that led up to that. One was the, when I rented the boat and I was drunk, and we were fucking flying through those canals and I was scaring this shit out of you and Frosty had been someone-

Yeah, because I'm 26 years, I'm 26 years sober. Yeah, I've been in AA, I don't drink, or use drugs. I'm fucking flying at like 30 miles an hour through these canals just because I grew up on boats. I've driven boats all the time and I know we've done this before. So I'm like, and Bobby's from Boston, Frosty's from... I've never been on a boat.

Yeah, and they're both just like, stop it man, you're scaring us. And I'm just, whoo, it's Cors Light and Hand. And then I took you tubing and Bobby had never been tubing. And I said, come on, get on. So the first time I take you tubing, I go to throw you off the tube, that's how you tube. What tube?

You remember the tube, you were the tube? To a tube? Oh, this, okay, hold on hold on so so wait let me just tell you the story so then Bobby Guess on the back of the tube are you are you stealing somebody's life We had a tube on the back of the boat It was a string with an inner tube and you all want to go tubing. I go okay, so you got on the back a string Wait hold on you don't remember this. I'll call Frosty and he'll fucking write it. I'm not remembering. Okay, let me just tell the story.

So you get on the back and I start pulling you and I start spinning you. What you call it, like a slow roller, where you turn and the tube goes in front of the boat and you go flying. So what do you want to do? You fucking wipe out and you're fucking irate. You're so mad and you go,

and I can see it in your face. You're in the water with the light fest and you're staring at me and I pull fucking irate. You're so mad and you go, and I can see it in your face. You're in the water with the light fast and you stare at me and I pull up my mic up back on you. I'm fucking done. I don't want to fucking do that. You're fucking threw me off and I go, I know that's part of the tubing and you go, you get me in that boat, I'm gonna kick your ass.

And so I just kept going around you. I go, Bobby, I'm not letting you in the boat to beat me up. And you're like, pull closer. I want to get in the boat so I can kick your ass. I go, Bobby, I'm not letting you in the boat. You're like, what a fucking kill you. I go, guys, I'm not letting you in the boat. You're like, what a fucking kill you. I go, guys, I'm not letting him in the boat. So Frosty, whenever it goes, Bobby, that's the point of tubing.

And Bobby, you go, I'll do it one more time, but don't fucking, no funny business. Just pull me so you get on the back and I go straight at like 20 miles an hour is boring as shit. And you're in the back, you're like, all right, fucking spin me. So we've been, you go, okay, okay,

I'm not gonna kick her ass. Let me in the boat, so we lay you in the boat. And then we just spun each other around on this tube the whole time I don't remember any of it I swear to you because I never forget dude here's the thing here's the thing is if if we find out if we get to the point where I you if we get to frosty and you're like oh shit it wasn't you Rob I fucked up yeah you owe me a hundred dollars okay I know what people do I know what you I know what we'll do. I'll call Frosty right now.

Here's the thing, if this is me, I want something. I hate people do this because now I feel like I'm insane. No, I feel like I'm crazy. It was totally you and I'll never forget it. So then finally, so finally, then we get in the boat. We all went, it was a beautiful day. All the lake was beautiful, gorgeous. So then on the next day, we go to these sulfur springs.

And we ran into Barry Katz. In this, it's a hurricane, Utah. It's the springs you pay, like five bucks a 10 bucks and you're going, they have really hot natural springs, medium and then regular. And the sulfur in them, it's like, fucking just load. It's like dinosaur load. It smells like fucking just matching. And it's apparently it's like fucking just load. It's like dinosaur load. It smells like fucking just nasty.

And it's apparently it's like good for your job in Asia. So we were just covering each other. Mud ran into my man. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Stop, whoa, stop. We, we slow, sometimes you have to slow bird down. We were not covering each other in mud. Okay.

Okay. We were covering ourselves in mud, and we were jerking each other off with sulfur. I, Jesus, man. I got that. So we all, I was definitely drunk at the time. Of course you were. You would drunk a lot.

On that trip, yeah. On that trip I was, because I was like on vacation. This is what would happen is you, what happens when there's the social dynamic of this, the group and you know, Frosty was the driver, me and Vincent were the food people, and you did nothing.

I did nothing. You did nothing. So what, but. I did nothing and, and at one point, you accused me of stealing your shampoo and your CD, Blade Runner. Yeah, because I swear to God, because we're the same shampoo. We're the same shampoo and you saw it in my hand, you know, that's my fucking shampoo. And I go, no, it's my shampoo. And then the Blade Runner DVD, we watched it on the,

me and you watched it together. I'd never seen it. I didn't remember. How do you remember the thing you have stealing my... Did you look at me And I have shampoo and so no you had hair at the time you had hair at the time You had hair at the time you did had to have okay, so that bugs me too Just a fucking side note right here. Yeah, the fact that I went bald before you Fucking admitted right now you got hairpugs I hate people like you I hate people like you People who have been bald since they were 19,

fucking bugged me. I thought you were gone. And I would look at you and be like, at least he's going bald too, if he's working, we're fine. And then I just, it went, fuck you and your genetics, go ahead. So, so, so then we go to the hot springs,

we're drinking pretty heavily. And I haven't driven once this whole trip You can't we would be arrested so but frosty was also into driving Smoke in a lot of weed. Oh, it was you was I didn't know and if I knew it was that high We would drive it to those can you talk if you take one wrong turn which is dead I remember one time sitting next to him is driving to the can to go and it's like later and I go frosty Okay, and he just looks at me and shout what's up? I'm a driving girl, and I'm like, oh never mind. I'm gonna go back and start drinking So we're in Utah. So we're in Utah. We're we're we're backing out the RV

I'm in the stop. I you guys fuck you Here it is again where you guys made me you made me back the fucking RV out. You, I didn't wanna do it, okay? You guys, because it was a tricky spot, you guys, Bobby, you go do it, we'll go, oh god, I got it, I got it, I got it. And you went out there and you weren't paying attention. I wasn't paying attention at all.

And I backed it out. And you backed it out and you ran into a tree and ripped the like side of the RV. I didn't rip the, ripped the awning the roll Oh, yes, the awning Oh, that's right. We hadn't even ripped it rolled it back up. I think it was still down No, it was the up but I there was a branch taking out see you I know I know you lying

No, I'm fucking I'm fucking other weird and fucking too Because that's not even what happened. I swear to God happen was I'm backing it up I wasn't I don't I'm driving. It's a huge RV. What happened was I'm backing it up. I wasn't, I'm driving. It's a huge RV. Yeah. And I'm backing you up. You guys were supposed to be helping me, but you fucking knuckleheads were talking.

I looked at you guys were yapping about some bullshit. And I'm like, is my cool? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I backed up. Meanwhile, Frosty's next to me going, you were looking, not recognize your feet. And I'm like, yeah, as long time. It's crack.

And I'm like, oh shit. So time as crack! And I'm like, oh shit! So we get back, you come out of the thing, and you're like, what happened? And I'm sure I said something to the effect of, I think there's a branch. Nope, wasn't you, it was me, it was all on me. This bottle on, what happened was, is I fucked up, I fucked up.

I fucked up. And I got so scared. And this is what I learned through therapy. That's right. I got so scared and I got so nervous. I just lashed out at you guys. I started yelling at you guys. On the thing, you fucking, you should have

fucking helped me. You cock suckers. I didn't want to, and then you said, you go Bobby, listen man, just really, I go shut the fuck up. You go, don't tell me to shut up. I go, I'll fucking, and I turn Boston, but there was a point where you went, I fuck it dude. I don't care.

And you were like, I'll fucking take a beating or I'll give you a beating. Let's do this. And I was like, let's fucking go. And then something happened where they broke us up, but it was totally my bag. I, I, fuck, I, I, so glad you say that. I'm so glad you say that,

because I always felt in that whole situation, I think what I said to you as I go, Bobby, don't worry, we'll split it. It's not a big deal. Like I was like, it's, it's, it's our fault as much as yours, and you were really, you were upset. I was upset because I had no money.

I know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. Which makes sense. I just put that together right now. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. Which makes sense. I just put that together right now. I remember when it happened, I was like, I don't have any money to do this. You guys are going to stick me with this.

These guys are going to fuck me. They don't give a fuck. All you guys had fucking way more money than me. You were going to, that's when you popped out you were getting deal after fucking deal. Yeah. And I don't even know if that's real. I just, that's what I thought. No, no, no, no, no.

I definitely was, I just gotten done a TV show and like two sitcoms and I had a ton of money. I wish it were actually. And I thought I'd have to talk to everyone. I probably never fucking, my darkened fears were true. And he talks to me. No, no, no, I was doing much better than you at the time. But no, but so I, and I also didn't have any perspective

of what it was like to be to to look at that Look at that that fucking rip and go wow, that's two weeks on the road They're like I didn't have any Whatever I don't remember who's I don't remember So then but you say you are fucking kill you and I remember I remember literally saying all right Either either I don't think I think we're gonna fight. I remember thinking that I remember genuinely thinking I think he's gonna beat me up But then I was like and and then Frosty's like,

just stopped talking to him. I go, no, he's, I think he's gonna kill me. And then he was like, what do you know? I was like, I guess we're gonna fucking fight. I don't. No, dude, it was me, man. I fucking snapped. And I tried to apologize for like two days

and you wouldn't accept my apology. No, I did, man. You did, you did. I did, but like definitely not that first day and then the next day. Yeah, it was me, dude. It was my that Boston fucking bullshit a fuck you guys you cock suckers And then you said something you're that Florida nice guy

And that laugh and I was like go fuck and it was shit It was it was taught thank God that never happened number one God we never fought number one because God forbid you fucking just beat the fuck out of me I wouldn't have taught me a lesson Between the two of our cardiovascular abilities at the time, it would have lasted very short. If you, and it would have ended with us laying on the ground next to each other, just,

ah, ah, ah. The reason my nightmare is that if we did fight that day, and you beat me up and just that laugh standing over me, just, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, oh, I just have to take it Just that face just on top me gonna you motherfucker stroking my hair I'm balding by the way, I don't want you think I'm fucking in my hair. Yeah, I hope it goes. I hope it goes It's going I don't well listen. I do this stuff. I do this stuff I do this stuff called super million hairs when I do like TV that fills it Does it want to prove? Yeah, it's fucking beautiful. It's waterproof? It's shit grabs onto your hair follicle, you spray.

It is, it wasn't like that. I hear point at the camera guy. Because I did it to him one night in London. And then we go out and he goes, oh, it's fucking like, oh, you're doing it look awesome, I look awesome. And then we go out and start raining.

And he's like, what do I do? And I was like, find cover. But I put it on when I do like, TV. He says it looked like a goth chick yeah yeah break down

Bella um yeah dude well no you look back at that trip finally other than that one hiccup which I don't you know I don't I just go you know I think that's the other part about guys is that especially guys like ourselves is I that never made me not want you to you do like enjoy watching you on TV or enjoy listening to you do stand up or anything like that. I know, I know, I know.

I think that's the growing pains of this business is that you're learning to hang out with, look, I hung out with guys that I will like me my whole life. You get into comedy. All of a sudden, you're hanging out with guys that have nothing to do with you like you Norton and Patrice and Billy and I mean all of a sudden I'm hanging a boss Who the fuck hangs out with a mumbling Jew I've never I've never hung up with it

You know, I mean then the big black guy from Roxbury a redhead from Canton, some fucking yapardude, from fucking Florida. I mean, I don't foul from Jersey. I'm a fucking Jersey! I was in Scotland with Patrice and Voss when we were living in a hotel, we were living in a house for like three days, or for like 30 days, with Louis Schafer. Oh my God.

But we Patrice and Voss, and I was like, I remember sitting in that room going, like we have nothing, like I go, I have nothing in common with these guys. Like what was the, but it was, we Patrice and Voss. And I was like, I remember sitting in that room going, like, we have nothing, like I go, I have nothing in common with these guys. Like, what am I at the first day? I was like, what the fuck are we gonna talk about? You know what I'm gonna comment? What the fuck it laughs?

Yes. And then next you know, it's like, Patrice, eat and fucking, I remember he's eating blood sausage. Just fucking pounds of it. Patrice taught me how to cook an omelet. Voss was just smoking. So how much money you get on those deals? Tell me how much about half?

Just fucking the, and the boss is like, wanna go golfin? You're like, okay, and then Voss turns into the sweet heart that you find that you end up going, oh there's the hardcore of the guy. There's like, ran after my baby, I ran into him and he was like, you had a little girl, huh? And I was like, yeah, and he goes, oh, they're the greatest. You're gonna love being a fuck.

Like just real fucking dad shit. Patrice gave me the best advice on my life. Wait, comedy. Yeah, he's funny. I don't understand what you're doing. He helped me write, I, one of the first joke I ever had that I thought was a real fucking joke. I had written a joke I told him on stage in Scotland was based on my flight over, I got cut off by the stewardess.

And at one point I thought, when she was trying to cut me off, I was like, what if I just took my finger and put it to her lips and we're like, shh, go get me one. And so I told Patrice that and he was like, man, it needs to be a man. I said, what? It needs to be a man, it needs to be a cop. You know, I'm doing a horrible treat right now. I go, what? And he goes, when man, it needs to be a cop. You know, I'm doing horrible trees right now.

I go, what? And he goes, when you touch a man's face, you take his power away. That's funny. And he reached across the table and started touching my face. And I felt very immasculated. And he goes, see? And I went, yeah.

And he goes, it needs to be a cop. And so I started saying, you know what cop's hate when you touch their faces? Get's a big fucking laugh when the cop pulls you over and he comes over to the window, goes, you know what, I pulled you over? Just take your finger, put his lips and go, shh, and then take off. He'll be on the side of the room, 15 minutes. What the fuck just happened? to win, he goes, you know what, I pulled you over, he's just taking a finger to put his lips and goes, shh, and then take off.

He'll be on the side of the room for 15 minutes. What the fuck just happened? I saw you do that joke on TV. I saw something the other day, actually. And I was like, and I was, and it was the, I was at the improv. Yeah, there was show. Yeah, and I was like, I was like, man,

that's how you fucking write a joke. So I didn't have any fucking jokes at the time. All I knew how to do was make fun of Puerto Ricans. That's all you could do, and that's all I learned how to do in New York. I thought Puerto Ricans had to do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I remember when you first came to New York, you lived across street from the seller. Yeah. And you fucking shit hole. The fuck was holding. But it was across street from the seller. And you could all agree. Swing in, it tells here, swing in,

just go sit in the back, watch the tell. Oh, fucking head, bird. I saw all the great comedy that defined what I respect in comedy at the seller. And then I learned how to do it at the Boston Comedy Club. Right, and then you, it's surprisingly, dude, you went into LA and became a,

you went on the road actually and became a, a comic, you went into real life. I want me to really, I learned how to do, I learned how to stand on stage and handle myself on stage in New York. I used to say the differences, and then I learned how to write jokes in LA. Like I learned how to, do you remember when we first came out to LA,

and I remember sitting in the back with you, and you're like, oh, this is all this clever shit, it fucking loses me. Everyone's fucking up there being clever. Like tell a fucking joke, I don't need to know the math works on it. And the difference is, L.A. is like working out in a crunch for a magazine and Z-Shoot.

You want your abs to look good, you want your pecs to look good. You want it all to be symmetrical, your legs will work out good, you want a tan before you do it. Working out on stage in New York, it's like working out in the prison yard. Like you get a fucking broomstick with two center blocks and you're just doing work so you don't get raped in the shower.

Like that's, and so I learned how to not get raped in the shower in LA in New York, and then I learned how to tighten up the body a little bit in LA, and then I just went on the road, and I think the road, in my opinion, is more like New York than LA. Well, the road, I think the road, look, the road is, I love comics that don't want to do the road.

I love comics that are like, dude, I, you know, I've had people say, dude, I just want to become famous enough that I don't have to do the road. And it's like, well, you don't want to be a comic. You want to be a comic you don't have to do the road. Yeah. Because being that fear of bombing, the fear of the middle or killing or fucking stepping on some of your jokes, the fear of the middle or killing, or fucking

stepping on some of your jokes, the fear of the guy going, the two guys in front of you going over, the fear of the people that are there not to see you, they're there because they gave them free tickets on a Thursday night, because you didn't fucking sell out. So they just gave a bunch of, all those fears and all those battles and all those things make you define what you are, what you'll accept and what those battles and all those things make you define what you are, what you'll accept and what you won't accept, or make you quit and crazy. I mean, back to the full circle, back to being on the road, you're going to learn how to overcome.

You're going to learn that it doesn't matter what the guy in front of you just talked about. It doesn't matter how funny he was. It doesn't matter what crowd it is, or who's in front of you, if your shit is good, if you're pure in what you're about to say, and why you're saying it, you think this is really funny. I think this is funny, and I wrote this,

and this is the subject I wanna talk about. This happened to me, and want to talk about it. It doesn't matter if this comic or that comic thinks it's a great joke or a hack joke or blah, blah, blah. Which is the difference between hack and a thief. It doesn't matter. If you believe in it, you'll be funny. You'll be able to take that crowd right over

from the guy in front of you. Or whatever the fuck happened in front of you. Or whatever, if they don't know you, you'll be able to take that crowd right over from the guy in front of you, or whatever the fuck happened in front of you, or whatever they don't know you. You'll be able to go up there and people are gonna listen to you. If you can make people listen, that's to me the ultimate in comedy. When they not only do they walk away and go,

you're funny, they can actually tell you why you're funny. That joke you said about crying, I felt the same way. That joke you said about crying, I felt the same way. That joke you said about wanting to kill your wife, I thought that. Actually making people, that's when they were listening because they heard it, they took it home, they know your name and they'll tell people about it.

That's to me is the ultimate. Being funny is awesome. Well, you're not up there trying to be funny, when you're up there just doing your shit that you set out to do without fear, is the ultimate in comedy. And you can only get, sorry, you can only get that by going on the road and fucking going through those wars.

Like you went through with this weekend in Gotham, that's shit, same shit. It's the nature of the beast, so you kinda have to get used to it and figure out how it works with you, or get past it, like I got to a point where I was like, where I used to sweat, like if I saw a black. Like I got to a point where I was like, where I used to sweat. Like if I saw a black dude in front of me on stage,

I was like, oh, this is gonna be a fucking nightmare because he's gonna go up and then any racial jokes I do, anything that I cover. Like your cell phone is gonna be missing when you get back to the green room, right? Oh, but then I just got to the point. A lot of worry. A lot of worries.

A lot of fucking weak. The chick's gonna be fucking seconds of black cockback bear while you're on stage. So yeah, the worst but yeah, I And now yeah, so but it's it but this is the reality of it There's there you shouldn't be afraid of anything comics, you know, especially famous headliners They all have these little things You know do this and I don't want this and I want that. And I have the same thing. You know, I've never told the comic,

don't say that in front of me. But I've had guys say it to me, and I've seen guys say it to other people, and everybody, you have this fear of, it has to be perfect, or I'm not gonna do well, you know? And it's not, it's never gonna be perfect. That's the beauty of comedy. You're always up there surviving.

You're up there surviving. Ever, from the second you have to find your Q-tips, pack that stupid bag and where's my nose here, trimmer, and holy fuck, I gotta get a ride and get to the airport, get to the gate, get your bag, get in the fucking thing, get on the plant, hopefully it takes off and you don't die, land and don't die. Get there. The guy who is you robber, you go to the hotel.

You're going to do the attitude of, so I've never heard of you. And you're like, how mother fuckers? Oh, I mean, all the nuances. And then you get to the club and fucking, is anybody coming? And then the fucking who you high and do you mind if I sell fuck I do. And you know, and it's all that shit. It's not just getting on stage. It's all the shit before it. And then getting the fuck home to the happy place, which is your fucking family and your house. It's a motherfucker.

Yeah, I'm fucking, are you gonna ever have kids? I'm trying right now, dude. Really? Yeah, I'm trying. But I don't know if I'm gonna have kids after fucking hearing you waking up every day. It's great, it's great, but it's just, it's like a lot, I've been gone for like 20 days now. You own the road?

You own the road? I flew them to Westport, Lauderdale. Really? To hang out with me, because I was like, I'm gonna be gone for 20 days and I'm fucking kill him. But you just know you're fucking him up. Like you know that it's not healthy.

You just see your dad for fucking Tuesday. Yeah. But there's no middle ground, there's no like, I'll fucking, you know what dude? Back in the day, he's the fucking, he's the die. You know what I mean? I saw my dad sometimes on Sunday, if the bucks were playing. My dad had to go fucking do cattle.

Yeah, fucking. He had to bring cattle to cattle. Yeah fucking get a big cattle to Kansas My dad was in the Civil War Yeah, five was in my dad in six years. Yeah, fucking fuck these fucking kids now Do you know what you're out there on a trying to make it? It's it really trying to make it so you have crushed ice motherfucker Yeah, so you can walk up to a fridge and get water and then crushed ice. It's all about crushed ice. Yeah.

Just trying to get you guys crushed ice. Yeah. That's fucking it. Oh, that's so. Fuck them. Yeah. Fuck them. And you know what?

Later in life, they'll fucking know it. And the time you do spend with them is fucking magical. And your wife is probably the shit. There's no way I'm feeling guilty about trying to get these motherfuckers crushed ice. You know, like my wife, it's like bitch, you know, sometimes I come home and it's like, you know, I was thinking it's not, you like the fucking TV, right? You like the department I bought you right in Hell's Kitchen? Yeah. You like all this? Yeah. Then fucking shut your face. Shut up.

I'm fucking, I gotta go. I gotta go here. I gotta do this. I gotta do that. I gotta, I gotta trooper. She's a fucking soldier. She gets it, but every once in a while, it's like, my wife's a trooper.

Yeah, I love my wife, man. I fucking love. I never, you know me, dude. You know me, dude. You know me from back in the day. Fucking therapy must have worked for you. Dude, you know, you know what do you know me dude yeah you know me from back in the fucking therapy must have worked for you Dude you know you know what a piece of shit. I do what a hog a garbage. I was I mean I remember I remember fucking literally having my dick in a chick's mouth as they're saying my name You guys ready for your next act?

name. You guys ready for your next act? Fuckin' fuckin' Alright, give it up. Bleed Fucking And then fucking just tap her on the head and fucking run on stage with a half a chubby. You know what I- I never- I never had that.

That never like- I never- I never had the sex part of like- the close-ever came- I remember Tammy the girl worked at Boston Which one the fucking blonde waitress? I remember the hermaphid I hooked up with who's that? I would get into that who's Tammy? There was there was the two there was the German waitress. Yeah, and then there was Tammy Okay, blonde okay, you fucked her. Yeah, yeah, and she and that was like the closest Tiberus the most you're gonna fucking TV show. Let's be relaxed I don't want this out here. No, no, no, that's the but that was obviously I was a little young. I was like 26

I was 26 when that happened, but but yeah, the we're gonna have to go through and edit this podcast No, no, no, I was single. Yeah, single, but that's the closest I forgot and then moved out to LA and I fucking fell in love Just was like, yeah, I mean I remember do you like a relationship guy I'm a relationship or like I need to be monogamous with one person I couldn't like I just was I was obsessive like when I stand and then also you're just checking your deck you're like what the fuck like I used to love that I used to love the fucking age or less. Oh, I love that. I love fucking panicking. That was part of it. Yeah, I just shouldn't do. Oh, feeling warm cake for fucking eight seconds. And then worrying about it for

fucking five months. For eight seconds. We're about it for nine months. Oh, so beautiful. Oh. But it's, it's, it got to the point where you're going to need to be that guy at 50. Uh, that is exactly what it comes down to.

Yeah. You were either that guy at 50 or you fucking make a decision. And I did not want to be, I remember sitting at the improv bar looking down and seeing the old guys there. And in between the old guys and me was Gary Valentine, right Gary Valentine's Kevin James's brother He was older than Kevin and he was single and he was my friend at the time by party with him and Jimmy Shoebert were there and I looked at the two of them and I was like that

Their next step if they don't if they don't commit to someone is that old guy at the very end of the bar Right, and I was like can get out of this early. Yeah. I was like, I'm getting married. Well, I mean, getting married is not for everybody, but it definitely got to the point where for me where I did everything else. And I was like, you know what?

It's more of a challenge right now, personally, psychologically, spiritually, to try to become this guy. Yeah. And try to deal with those fucking demons because the reenil, you know, all that shit was demons. I quit drinking and using drugs,

but I went to sex and food and all kinds of other shit and cigarettes. You know, it was underlying causes as my addictions. So, but, you know, what, it was at that point where everybody was like, dude, just your piece of shit, let it go, just move on, be a piece of shit, you can't change who you are. And I was like, what the fuck, really?

I can't, I have to, I'm not. They would never say that if it was heroin. They'd never go, just keep using heroin, what the fuck? Like if it was alcohol or drugs, they'd never be like, come on man, you can handle it. Like it, it's, you're right, you're totally right. I think you made a good choice about you. Well, I apps a fucking loo-ly, as of right now,

I almost fucking dumped her on Monday. I went to fucking, oh, we had to get kitchen cabinets out of IKEA, I almost fucking gave her a hot boot and right out of the car doing 65. Can't imagine doing home projects with you. You don't understand, listen, I said to her, I go, look, I'll pay for it. Just, you get whatever you want.

But she's got me at IKEA to save $400 to pick the cabinets up. It's like, it's worth $400 to fucking have somebody do it. Do you understand? I don't fucking do this shit. I believe video games and I tell dick jokes. I don't fucking rent this shit. Yeah, I believe video games and I tell dick jokes Yeah, I don't fucking rent the van and lug shit No offense to those people, but those people are those people those people are those people I don't do that shit. They should I do and they should I don't do okay?

Should I do other shit I don't do I'm gonna fuck hurt my back pull the ribbass So this fucking to hot and then oh and there was I There was nine hundred, by the way. 900 boxes, I had a call calling and hire my old door guy, this big black dude, to come over and unload it, sat in tunnel traffic for a fucking hour, literally put the car in park in the tunnel. She doesn't have to use a fucking map.

It's like, I tell her, I need directions to where we're going to pick up the tiles and shit. Yeah, she has an iPhone 4 I bought her. It's a fucking super computer. Oh my god. My wife does the same fucking thing I go tell me how the traffic looks. It's green. We get on the 101. It's red. I go you're looking at fucking Burbank Boulevard next you're looking at at barham. I said looking at the oh fucking makes me crazy I said to my wife I go tell me where to go she was well, I don't I don't know I go you're looking at at bar ham. I said looking at the fucking makes me crazy I said to my wife. I go time away to go she was well. I don't I don't know I go You're looking at a fucking map not only a map It's a fucking map where we are on the fucking world

Not only that is a blue fucking dot that tells us where we are That's a red dot that says where we're going and in between those fucking lines and between those two dots is a blue Fucking line that tells you go this way. Yeah, if you're on the blue line on this street on the fucking map You're the fucking blue dot. You're going the fucking how the fuck don't you know what that fucking is? Yep, we went to go buy a bike me me and my wife, and I put the directions on my iPhone. Our house to the thing, halfway there, I go, I go, you just tell me where I'm going. She looks and she goes,

well first of all, you're going the wrong way. So I go, okay, she goes, take a left, take a left. And then as we're driving, I go, man, this fucking bike shop is right next to our house. The bitch took us to the green dot. She took us back to our house. I go, what the fuck are you doing? We're going to the green dot. She took us back to her house. I go what the fuck are you doing? We're going to the red dot the finale. I

Fucking I I almost listen to me dude. I don't know how this chicken cut you cook a fucking turkey Okay, she can make a whole thing. She knows how to take a fucking bag of old bread crumbs Yeah, and make stuffing that will knock your socks off. Okay, she doesn't make pie from scratch. All this crazy shit, and you can't read a fucking map, and it's not that you can't do it, is that she doesn't want to fucking do it. She doesn't want to do it.

It's that my wife doesn't want to focus in enough and fucking. Do you think women were like that in like the 1800s, when you'd come home and she'd just be like, well, the well's broken and you're like, what do you mean? She's like, well, it's not working. You can't get water.

No, no, women back then. No, women back. You don't think that's something that goes on with women? No, no, no, women back then. And then they'd come and fix it. Like the worst is dead. No, because you died. Back then you died.

Oh, you got hit. Yeah. Okay, I got hit. Yeah There was consequences I'm not gonna die if we don't make it to again and I can throw you out of the truck Do 60 but you know me let me tell you some you know what he women would have died back in the fucking 1800s if the head cars Yeah, me women would be fucking kicked out of a moving vehicle like listen, I think we shouldn't got fucking Did a fucking dead woman highway? would be fucking kicked out of a moving vehicle. Like listen, I think we shouldn't go fucking. Hey! Did I fucking dead woman highway?

Okay, trust me, there's no consequences anymore. And I got, look, I love my wife. I wouldn't want to fucking. Yes, I love my wife too, by the way. I, but I, she doesn't have no, she doesn't know how fucking crazy I am. And I tried, we were in the tunnel, and it was 30 minutes into this traffic stopped.

And I, in my head, I was seconded so way of becoming Bill Bixby and just leaving. And you can keep it all. I don't care about any of it. I'll go to Vermont and make fucking wood carvings. Yeah. I'll live in Burlington, Vermont. I'll, I'll he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he,

yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he,

yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he,

yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, yo le he, le he, yo le he, le he, 10 years and I got a beard and I'm up in Vermont and I'm fucking making woodcarbings. By the way, I didn't know you were such a good fisherman. The last tendences in Boatas, like the 10th day of the 29th with 99, Daishman, much for Andalus. Oh yeah. I've been watching the OPEN you adventures of fly fishing. I'm an angler, my friend.

Why didn't you go out with Paul when you're in Uh, Paul Paul Paul Gastronova. Who the fuck is Paul Kessler from Paul and Ron in Fort Ordill? Well, no, he's a big fisherman too. Um, yeah, he's but he's deep sea. Yeah, I don't fuck with that shit. Really? I fuck I'm a fly fisherman man. That's a big difference. Yeah, I'm an angler. Yeah, I love hearing you say that Like I'm an angel. I you an anger. You have to, when you fly fish, you have to go out and find what they're eating. Yeah. And then match the fly.

And you make your own flies. No, I'm not a fly fish. Oh, I thought you were that fly. I thought you said that I'd probably said the thing that you made your own flies. No, no. There's no opianne going to fly fish. He's good.

Really? Yeah, he's pretty good. He fucking piece of quick study, man. He picks it up quick. Really? Surprisingly, yeah, I was, believe me, I was Yeah, he's pretty good. He fucking piece a quick study, man. He picks it up quick. Really? Surprisingly, yeah. I was, I was, believe me, I was hoping that he would just fail. But he was just, he was actually casting better than me

because we were doing a different type of casting. It's called a stripping it. Yeah. A huge flies. Yeah. Because the fish are like 26 inches. And you have to kick the bank, strip it, one, two, three, pull it back up, do the same.

And then he picked it right up. And I took me a couple of minutes, but yeah, he's good. He's good, but fly fishing is the shit. I could never go fly fishing with you. I could never. You'll laugh, because you laugh, you laugh. You'd be the first one you could drive. Bobby, there's a bear, there's a bear.

Yeah, exactly. Then something, something would happen with you. I, there's a bear, there's a bear. Yeah, exactly. Then something would happen with you. But I wanna talk about a couple things before we, I love this podcast, because there's no rhyme or reason to my podcast. I love just hanging out and yapping. Just like if me and you met in a fucking Starbucks, there's no fucking rhyme or reason to.

Same conversation as that. But there is a couple things I do wanna hit, your show, which is on travel channel, which I was really excited. Later in life, the fear goes away. You realize you're not in competition with anybody. And you actually genuinely become happy. When you see your friends, nice people.

Good guys actually get on and have some type of success. I was happy with hurt Bert Which was I don't know why that didn't go. I that was the greatest show that no one ever saw Like I mean, I you couldn't you couldn't get funding for it now You couldn't make the show in turns when they'd never let you make that show where we were fucking swimming out of the cage with great white sharks Explain what the fiver was her part was I would take a dangerous man's job for a day. Like, so I would go in. I was an MMA fighter.

I fought four graces at once. I was there. They choked me out. Just beat the shit out of me. Choked me out. And I was like, helpless. Great television. I was a dominatrix skimp.

Totally nude. Totally nude. Just basically shot a dominatrix porn. And it just got tortured. Cattle prodded to the balls. You name it. I was a rodeo clown where my ribs broke in and my foot broke in. I remember you did the, what's the other one?

The football one. I was a professional football player for Arena. You had to catch it. And I literally just got, but you had to return a kick. I had to return a kick and I was a quarterback. Here's what happened. Here's what happened on that one. I was an idiot because they were like,

you're gonna be the quarterback and I knew very quickly that my offensive line wasn't gonna defend me. That they were just gonna attack me. So what I did is I was like, down, set, up. And I took one step back and I sprinted up the middle right by all the linemen who were, and I ran right into the end zone. This is at the end of their practice, and I ran right in the end zone. This is at the end of their practice, right?

I run in the end zone, I spiked the ball, cameras come in and follow me, and I start doing a touchdown dance, and I'm like, and I'm like, that'll be really great. And then all of a sudden the defensive coach comes out, and he's like, what the fuck is going on in here? This guy is a comedian, and you let him blow your doors off like that. That is why

you're not starting and grabbing them by the face masks. You better have this guy on a stretcher by the end of the day or every single one of you I want your uniforms. And I was like, oh, I just made a mistake. This was a big mistake. So the next play I'm like, cut and these guys fucking lit me up like I owed them money just big buck mother fuckers just Yeah, and and I can't I think I got a concussion that day. I'm pretty sure like if you watch it online. It's on It's on on YouTube you'll literally see me get destroyed So then it is nothing fun here. Then see somebody get not the win knocked out of milk. Yeah, it's the noise the win knocked out of the milk because the noise he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he

how do we get out of here there's nothing fun it's so real there's nothing fun it's so real there's nothing fun it's so real there's nothing fun it's so real there's nothing fun it's so real there's nothing fun it's so real there's nothing fun it's so real there's nothing fun it's so real there's nothing fun it's so real

there's nothing fun it's so real there's nothing fun it's so real there's nothing fun it's so real there's nothing fun it's so real there's nothing fun it's so real there's nothing fun it's so real there's nothing fun it's so real there's nothing fun it's so real

there's nothing fun it's so real there's nothing fun it's so real there's nothing fun it's so real there's nothing fun it's so real there's nothing fun it's so real like a bit the closer show and you just like have a mic on them and you just pundit them in the stomach. Heeey! Heeey! That was... You remember the lady who was doing the one-stop-ins? Oh yes, that's the one-stop-ins! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh, that is fucking brilliant. Well, listen, that show was fucking amazing, but nobody watched it. That's why they took it off.

Yeah, no one watched it. It was on FX. It was on like 11 o'clock at night. It was on FX. No shares. Yeah, it was on FX. And then they brought me back. They were no one was on FX. It was on like 11 o'clock at night. It was on FX. No shes on FX. And then they brought me back. They were going to do a second season. And they were like, and they said to me, how they were like, how would you feel? Now, think of this pitch, right?

And where television is today? Yeah. They were like, how would you feel if we got you a job on a, on a crab boat in the Arctic Circle? And you just, and we just followed you working on a crab boat for like a month for the season. And I was like, I was like, I'll do it. And then, and then we're like, all right, let's do it.

And then FX is like, nah, I don't think it'll work. Are you fucking kidding me, Deadly is Catch. It's the biggest show on fucking television. Jackass came out after that, like all these shows that were just dirty jobs, all these shows that were just like it. You know, I think that would have been. I might be dead. I can't imagine me only fucking crab boat. Oh, you know, I'm fucking it. You know how big that would have been? I might be dead. I can't imagine if you only fucking crap up.

Oh, you fucking kids would have crushed ice. Did have fun. Yeah, and so then, and then from that I got, I went on and did, you know, just, did like pilots, just to pay bills. Like I've done so many fucking pilots. Really? Probably 25 pilots.

No shit. 25 cable pilots at least. And not have ever been picked up. None of them. Nothing. And I've done ones that are out of this world hilarious. Really? But it's just like, I didn't want for Comedy Central.

I've did a number for Comedy Central. That we're just like, they'd be like, we got an idea, you know, let's just shoot a sizzle. And one was where it was cash cab, but at a bar. So we'd pick up, it was Insomniac meets cash cab. We go to a bar, pick a bunch of people, put them in a van drunk, they'd blow into a breathalyzer, whatever they blew, they got as a bank.

So they blew like a .30, we give them $300. And then we'd play games like what? Guess what's in your mouth? Like all these really sexually, like really aggressive, racy games, it was so funny that it was a no-brainer. They were like, let's schedule out 36 weeks to shoot a bunch of these, and I was like,

oh, it's gonna be fucking great, I'm gonna be a millionaire, and then their ad sales was like, we can't sell it, and everyone's drunk, we can't sell it. And so I've had, I've done another of those, even when I did birth conqueror, I just kind of thought, man, this will never work. I thought, yeah, if I was like, there's no way anyone's gonna want to watch me just scream on roller coasters and And yeah, but it's not it's not really it's not you screaming on roller coasters. Yeah as much as it is you

It's your yeah, you've always had this personality, bro Which you know, I've told everybody who knows you. It's like, dude, Burke could walk into a funeral and make somebody smirk. He could make somebody just fucking, I mean, he's got that fucking happy, nice. He's a January nice guy. Yeah. Not an evil person. He's got that fucking lovable goofy fucking shit. He's a funny guy and he'll do anything.

Yeah, it's cool, thank you. And I think that, you know, travel has been a great home. Like I love working for them. I love the people. It's one of my favorite channels. Oh yeah, and I love everyone on the network. I love the people that work there. I mean, it's a great place to work.

But yeah, so. I mean, I'm a big fan of Bourdain show for years. I'm a big fan of Bourdain. It's our foods. It's our foods amazing. Adam's show, Adam Richmond's, I'm not, I, I, you know, really? I, well here's a deal. Is I like, I like the show when it came out,

but now it's like, dude, you can't win. You can't win, You can't win anymore. Because you went too far. Now people are making shit up to get the show in. It's like, you can't eat eight pounds of hamburger. I know you're gonna lose. And the whole thing is, you see meat sweats, the guy's gonna die.

Something bad's gonna happen to this guy. He's, I think he's, I haven't seen him's well, he's I think he's I don't know I mean I haven't seen him in a while, but I think he's you know try to everywhere I'm got problem with my weight, so I think everyone's yeah, you know, that's great I'm great would be and and I get it and I'm jealous that I should have that Yeah, I was like a big fun show Just eat me just eat. Just eat. Yeah.

Just to eat. Bobby made you something special. And here's a deal. Here's a deal, my friend. I'd win most of these competitions. I could fucking throw down eight pounds of fucking hamburger. Let's fucking throw it. Okay.

My wife last night I was eating. She ran over that's enough, that's enough. She had a run and grab the container out of my hand, as I'm trying to shovel food in. My dogs are all around me eating this, the food falls, and rip it out. She's like, what's wrong with you? I should be on that show.

Yeah, he's a great guy. You'd really like Adam. No, I'm sure he's a nice guy. I actually have a new show that I have coming out where it's a talk show that I actually shot it in Fort Lauderdale that weekend I was there. Really? Yeah, me and my manager came up with it. We actually do a talk show out of a U-Haul.

Yeah, it's, he was gonna rent the car, it was 150, and it was a U-Haul's 1995-a-day. So it's like, fucking get the U-Haul. Get the U-Haul! Get some sponsorship out of it too. We went to fucking U-Haul, rented the fucking thing and put a set in the back of it And we literally just pull up all over Florida. We drove around that's a great We pulled up like the Starbucks and we just interviewed a doc there and some dude

But he want to be in like a gang Are you stuck but he was smoking it was fucking great. I was like this is the best and then some we we pulled up the Barnes and Noble We rip open the back. There's a set and then we had three rodeo guys That is a great fucking idea. Yeah, how where are you taking it next? Are you just going we're doing it? Dude, that's fucking great. What I love about fucking where we're at now is that this guy has a fucking was at a D5 or D7 70 go fuck yourself don't ever correct me again and where we're at now is that this guy has a fucking was that a D5 or a D7? 70. 70. Go fuck yourself.

Don't ever correct me again. I, yeah. Ha ha ha ha. I got it. Cogs, I can never get that one. I tried to find, did you see how confident I went? Yeah. This guy's got five.

You could've, first of all, just to let you know, you could've let it slide. You could've said five. You didn't have to say D in front of back Yeah, he could yeah, he could have said seven and we nobody would have not the fuck God What a motherfucker so yeah, we we you can I'm I have You can do anything. I mean look at we're doing a radio show. I could I could have brought my laptop right now This could have went out live yeah all over. Yeah, we we're doing a radio show. I could have brought my laptop right now. This could have went out live. Yeah.

All over. Yeah. We could shoot a radio show right now. I mean, this is a fuck, we just made your hotel room in New York, a fucking studio. Literally a talk show set. I mean, quite honestly. We're shooting a show right now.

Yeah. Two different shows that you could combine to make one show. I mean, you can do whatever you want. The average asshole right now, not that you guys are average assholes. I don't want you guys to. We are. The average asshole. I mean, you can just sit right there and hold a camera. That asshole. But we can, that's what the beauty about it. We went out and we shot this fucking thing, made

a sizzle reel. You haul into it. It's fucking, and we're doing trivia. We have a, we're shooting in New York. We have a band coming on, and I pull the truck up with the audience in the back of the truck. So we literally pull it up on the side street. The band is playing, it's in Brooklyn. Yeah. Just pull up, boom, the band starts playing. I got a comic doing a set. That's so, we tweet out. We're going to be tweeting out. Look, we're going to be here at 12 o'clock. You guys are like the food truck of entertainment. That's what it is, right? That's so right. We tweet out. We're gonna be tweeting out. Look, we're gonna be here at 12 o'clock. You guys are like the food truck of entertainment. That's what it is, right? That's fucking genius. So we're gonna have we're gonna tweet out. We're gonna be at

blah blah blah at 12 with a special band and a special comedian show the fuck up if you want to be on the show. That's fucking great. Then we're gonna interview, of course the band of blah blah blah, we're gonna interview the people too. Yeah. Like we'll just have, we pull up anyway like a, we drove by a lady in a house on the front porch and we just pulled up you want to be on my show? Yeah, and it's it's like these people are amazing You're like Vegas or fucking LA and all the crazy. You know me people who it's like hey, what's your story? And they're like oh my god, let me tell you that's fucking 1995 a day kid. That's great So everywhere we go we're gonna fucking we go, we're gonna take the truck across country and just interview anybody, anywhere.

And some of it's gonna suck. To be honest, some of it, some of the people, like, once they get our camera, it fucking blows, but it's not. Well, it's a thing. I mean, I definitely deal with a lot of people on camera that are not ready to be on camera. And it just takes a minute,

and you can totally tell the ones they're gonna suck and you go, all right, we're gonna wrap that one. But when you find the gold, the fucking one goth kid who can wrap or like the random shit, where you're like, I did not see that coming. It's fucking gold for a reason. Yeah.

And when you find gold, it's gonna be like, you're gonna people are gonna watch you find gold. I mean, that's, can you imagine seeing a minor digging and find, you see the gold first? You're like, I see gold, I see gold! Many grabs and he's like, I got gold! Like, fucking great. Because my love, Bert, is because I got the fucking analogy.

But I walked in through it still. Not only did you walk me through it in this era, you walked me through it in the old era. Like the fucking late 18, the hundred and the early 19. It's like, I just got in the first line. You just, the fuck, 18. The hundred and the early 19. It's like, I was going with the first mind. You just the fuck man. But here's the deal. You got this show on TV.

It's a hit, right? Uh, yeah, I mean, no, I mean, I'm not sure. It's been, it is, it is, it's, I've gotten recognized a lot from it and it's a great and it's gotten me with travel channel more than I could ever find them. And travel channel is excited, Nudio,

have anything else coming out? I have a deal with them that I just signed for two years. Oh, sure, that's great. So I'm gonna be working with them for two years and we're kind of like, I'm kind of more like an employee so I'm like all over the map. Like I do a lot of things for them. Like I do these Blupper specials.

I do these, like more like a web soup type thing for them. And then I do, I'm doing a of things for them. Like I do these bluepur specials. I do these, like more like a web soup type thing for them. And then I do, I'm doing a new show for them. And then there's the option to do, I think we're done with Bertha Conqueror as a TV series. I think we may do specials. Like it's like our specials out of the country to make it a little bigger. She can't do anything international for 30 minutes.

So if it's international production wise, it's got to be an hour. Really? Yeah, so. Oh, yeah, okay, I got you. Anything international is going to be an hour, only because if you're going to spend that money to go there, you've got to get content.

Right, so if they want to do anything international, the only option was to do our specials. So, and I think we've ridden every ride there is to ride in this country, and I've done all the events in this country that jumped off the stratosphere, jumped out of a plane. You're gonna get killed, because you're gonna have to go to Russia, and you have to ride this fucking,

the fucking Soviet rocket. We're putting it in the desert, you're cool, cool, cool. Do they jump off a building out there? There's dude, and you've seen the ones where the guys go it in the desert. You're cool. Cool, cool. Do they jump off of buildings out there? There's dude, you know what I mean? You're seeing the ones where the guys go up in the fucking tower and then just walk out to the edge and they're like, oh, look at me.

Look at me. You're like, oh, that's all. Yeah, I don't get killed. No, no, I'm a lot more. I don't want you to fucking get, I don't want to read about you. I'll be alive. I'm gonna kill myself.

No, don't kill yourself. Not kill myself, but it'll be my lifestyle. We were talking, I'm gonna, I'm gonna kill myself. No, don't kill myself, not kill myself, but it'll be my lifestyle. Like we were talking, like, I went for a jog today. I was like, man, I gotta fucking get. I wanna get in shape, I wanna get, I don't wanna be hot and skinny. I just wanna be like, I wanna get, like, I wanna go to the doctor and the doctor go,

you look good, you look good. Yeah, I just, I went in May, everything was perfect. Really? Everything was perfect except for a calcium, some Porsche shit. Yeah, yeah. Bullshit, you know, it's my mother didn't get a little to drink milk when we were a kid, fucking twos. Yeah.

But, and then I quit smoking three months ago. That's great. Yeah, that was a big one, that was fucking hard. Why didn't you just do those, those, those, those electronic cigarettes? You know, smoke, I was smoking, I'm're gonna smoke. You're gonna smoke, I'm not gonna fucking, yeah. It's a cigarette. Yeah.

That electronic cigarette, shit craze, with such fucking cattle, man. Yeah. You're smoking a cigarette. Well, it's not a fuck you. It looks like a cigarette. It's a cigarette, and tastes like a cigarette. And it has nicotine.

And the nicotine is what keeps you addicted. Yeah. Rich Wallace is addicted to nicotine gum. I saw him chewing nicotine is what keeps you addicted. Yeah rich Wallace is addicted to nicotine gum I saw him chewing nicotine gum eating a fucking a corn muffin at the same time He's he's not smoked in a while. He's eating corn muffins in gum. That's how addicted he is He can't fuck so I mean I fucking I woke up. I was done You must stand he'd wake up in the middle of the night He's like at my worst I wake up in the middle of the night smoke a cigarette. Oh, so I mean you I fucking I woke up I was done You must stand he'd wake up in the middle of the night He's like at my worst I wake up in the middle of the night to smoke a cigarette. Oh, I I

Fuck you know me dude. You're on the summer the same I gotta be honest to you you look cool when you smoke I did I fucking love It's such a cool And you like and you don't have the raspy voice that's out of breath Like you got you still seem healthy. I mean I think you got probably like a couple more years of smoking. Yeah I think you should do heroin Hey, let me tell you something if you get me a really good hour special

I quit smoking dude. I'd have to lose 30 pounds now. I literally put on 20 pounds in the last three months. Yeah, I just, I fucking said fuck it. I'm gonna eat, I'm gonna eat whatever I want. I'm gonna try to lose some weight. Yeah. And I, it didn't work. And now I get, now I have to,

what's in the doctors the other day? Because my heart was fucking hurting. Serious. Yeah, I felt some, but it was acid reflux. Yeah. It was a, a soft, a guspasm. Oh, that's, maybe that's what I have. Yeah, I felt something but it was actually acid reflux. Yeah, it was a a softwaQ of spasm. Oh, that's maybe that's what I have. Yeah, right in the chest. Right in the center. Yeah, I got that. You got that too. Yeah, I get acid reflux. Fucking, we just throw up in your mouth all night. Where did this come from? I have no idea.

I mean, it's like then it's in the last 20 years. Everybody has acid reflux. Yeah, now I'm just like, like, they're not that in take-tums. No, yeah, I'm just, eh, in the middle of the night. Like, they're not bothered and take thumbs? No, yeah, and they, like, I remember, I remember seeing my daddy, like, sticks a pepperoni, like, just, uh, cut it up with a knife and pop it in and be like, no, I'm going to bed. Some's weird, man, everybody I know has fucking acid reflux. Except my wife doesn't have it. Yeah.

I think she's an alien. I think they're the aliens. The ones who don't. My wife doesn't have anything. She's a, my wife is a fucking white sweatshawk. There's just a, just a, nothing, the fuck, nothing. Like, nothing doesn't need a glass of wine, doesn't need a cigarette, never had a cigarette,

and then would never smoke drugs, never done anything. Literally nothing, like just like, she's like, if she has wine, she'll have a little bit, you know, doesn't like, in the morning, like, to have one egg scrambled with one piece of toast cut in half. I'm not a matter of none. She's just a regular person.

Like, she's what my grandmother's supposed to be. Yeah, she has like two strips of bacon. Really? Every Friday, it's Pete's tonight, every Saturday, it's pancakes and bacon, like a literal housewife. That's right. She's amazing. But then my wife fucking, she had a quitsmoggen because I was smoking. She was from Boston. Really? Yeah, she's from real housewife. That's like, right. Oh, she's amazing, but then. Great, my wife fucking, she had a quit smoking

because I was smoking. She was from Boston. Really? Yeah, she's from Beentown. So we're trying to have the baby. So we were like, we probably start smoking. Yeah. We had to get my giz checked.

That was a fucking nightmare. All the head was black porn. No offense. It was black, black. She was like, get out, come on. I need a, I need a, why would they just have black porn? I think, I think there was two rooms. I think the guy that was in the other room

came in my room and took the porn. Yeah. It was just big black chicks and it was like, come on. Yeah. You know, I need a white chick on a trampoline with a fucking like old dude. Yeah. You know what I mean with a, you know,

so, there's some backyard grassy. I mean, it's something, I need something to shocking these days. Nah, you know, really? I mean, I'm feeling I I need something that's shocking these days. No, you'll really? I mean, I'm feeling I've broken my governor. Really? Like, yeah, I literally have not been. I only recently was just like, you know, I'm gonna take a break for myself.

For like porn? Yeah, from porn. From everything. From everything. Like, I still drink a little bit, but a lot, when I'm saying a little bit. But like, just this past 22 days, I've been on the fucking road and I'm like, fucking, it's like the only thing I have at the end of the night is those beers that I go,

all right, now I can just relax and go to bed except working every fucking day. But lately, I've just been like, when we were in New Orleans for five days, shooting something, and I just would get done and I'd have like three beers and go back to my room and pass out and sleep, like fucking a dream. Yeah, I've been working fucking my ass off too,

and you get in at night and you're fucking, you gotta go to bed because you're actually tired. I haven't even, I jerked off today before I came here. The first time and in maybe three weeks, I jerked off. Because I've been so, you know, literally waking up and working all day, all the shit we're doing. And then fucking, I'm out. Now I'm out and I'm banging my wife

because I'm trying to have a kid. I jerked off today and I was almost like, ah, fuck it. Ah, fuck it. And then something hit me, something hit me. And I was like, ah, fuck it, I'll get this out. So, ha ha. If my wife, like Rogan gave me one of those...

Dildos? Flashlights. Oh, you know, Flashlights. Oh, you get a rocket. Yeah, he gave one to me and I brought it home and I showed it to my wife and I was like, take a look, he just gives you one when you leave. He's like, I'll take that so I bring about my shirt

and mom would go, here, take a look at this. She's like, what is it? And I go, it's a flashlight. She goes, what do you do? I said, open it up. She goes, he's like, I'll take that so I bring about my shirt tomorrow and if I go here, take a look at this, she looks like she's like, what is it? And I go to flashlight, she goes, what do you do? I said, open it up, she goes, what's this thing? And I was like, what do you think it is? She goes, I don't know, what is it? Like literally no fucking idea. And if you gave me one of those, in a heartbeat,

I was like, oh, you're taking it, like real quick. But she was like, I don't, what do you do? I go, feel it, she goes, who it's soft? And I'm like, what do you think you do with it? She's like, I don't know, what is it? I don't know, what is it? Like really no fucking idea. And then I'm like, no, what do you think you do with it? She's like, I don't know, what is it? I don't know, what is it? Like really no fucking idea. And then I was like, you fuck it.

She was like, who does? And I was like, like I would. And she goes, why? I go, so that you have an, she goes, ooh, why would you do that? Oh, that's so gross. And I'm like, yeah. She's like, I can't believe that it makes, like literally no.

My wife, I brought home a half a torso. Oh, what? It was literally like the vagina of the asshole. Like later. It makes like literally no my wife. I brought home a half a torso It was literally like the vagina the asshole later up to the bed. Yeah, it's it's I brought I won on a radio show Louis yeah, it was on a radio show in Kansas City and had collars and they let me play and he was supposed to guess the price I guessed guessed it to the dollar. I went $199.95 and they were like, that's the exact price. I was like, and they were like, you won and I was like, cool, I took it.

And they didn't want me to take it. Like they wanted me to, there was a guy with a broken arm, his jerk off hand, and another guy who just got dumped by his wife. Deloiced. And I get in your luggage? I fucking know, I can't.

This has been, I have to carry on. This is after September 11th, I can't do that. I had to mail it to myself. I had my web guy who lived in Kansas City mail it to me. And I fucked it. I fucked it. You put it on the bed and you fuck it. Oh yeah, I fucked it to ask.

And I fucked it's and I fucked its pussy and it was amazing. And then the only part that I realized stop fucking it is because you had to clean it. You had to clean it. It's not supposed to be really anything in the world. It's hard.

It's very hard to get in there. And then I use it as a pen holder on my desk. I put the pens in the vagina and the asshole. That is so funny. My wife put in that hair, like real hair. Really? It's U3G, like super fucking crazy skin. Oh, shut.

Plastic. So it felt like, and it stuck to the bed. So when you fucked it, it didn't move. Oh my god. Like the back of it was like sticky. Yeah. So you could, I mean, you could fuck the shit out of it. Like not just gent, fuck, you know, gently bang it.

You could fucking, I actually set up a scenario. I put the pillow like the rest of the body and I, I swear to God, I got in to bed with it. And I kind of rolled over on Yeah, and like my dick went right in oh You know what I mean like when you break the seal and I did I put lube on the inside I open the pussy I put the lube on the inside left to try on the outside so that you can break the seal like you push Oh, oh my god, dude, it was good. That's so, that's so much thought went into that. Yeah, dude, it was, it was, it was bad,

but see, this is before I went to therapy too. I had that. I wouldn't, I, I looked, I would love to fuck a flashlight. I'd, I'd use that shit instead of my dumb hand. I hate my fucking hand. Yeah, yeah. I hate it. Master being Yeah. Yeah. I hate it. Master beating stinks.

It's the same thing. I'm in the shower. I get the shower massage under my balls. There hasn't been that much of an upgrade in it since I started. Like it's the same. It's the same. I mean, for men, women you go in this fucking sword

headed dildos, fucking, and nine different levels of browncock and bigger veins. What are you coming out to LA next? How do you fucking know we're talking about Dick right now? No, no, no, I just saying, you get, you get, Joe has tons of flashlights. Oh, yeah. No, I'm alright.

I can't, I don't want it. I'm not gonna, I'm trying to stay away from it. Yeah, I'm not gonna fuck a flashlight anymore. I'm gonna say, gave me one, I'd fuck it. Yeah. I would definitely fuck it, but I wouldn't, I'd probably give it away as a, you know, after. After.

I'd throw that out too. I just throw the torso out. Because you couldn't get any work done, you just looking to be like, I don't know what. I think it was just too, after a while I was like, what the fuck, when you threw it out,

and I just imagined somebody finding that. It's just fucking brilliant. Just some fucking homeless guy finding a torso. Oh my God. Just look up and go, and thank you. Now he can put that in his, like a friend in his box. Somebody can fuck.

Talk to it. Yeah, I'll great with that before I fall asleep. This is a bad day. I didn't know that. You have you watch your pussy, you smell. So listen, man, this has been great hanging with you. Bobby, it is so good. It's so good to see you this happy. Yeah, well, you, I great hanging with you. It's Bobby, it is so good. It's so good to see you this happy.

Yeah, well, you've always been this happy, but I'm so glad that you're fucking around, but you're killing it, dude. You know, you're killing it on the road. You fucking got a great show. I've watched it a bunch of times, and I'm not just saying that. I'm a big fan of the channel, I love the channel.

So when you came on, I was like, oh, don't fucking ruin this channel for me dude. I love your bird, please don't fuck this up. But the show's fucking great. Thanks Bob. But I'm glad, I'm also glad you're not doing it anymore. Because it did come, it was like, what else?

I mean my hand, I was like, what else are you gonna, now you're like, you're fucking smart. The channel's smart that they're sending you off to do something else. Because you're great on the channel. You should be doing that stuff. It's a good channel, it's run by good people, and I think they just got a fucking, they've got the right view in mind for that.

The perfect for the channel. I mean, you should do a show where they just throw us somewhere. You know what, dude, it would just be funny filming us argue. Tell me where you want to go on vacation. I'm making happen. I don't want you. I mean you and your chick, and I'll just plan the vacation. Dude, I don just be funny filming us argue tell me where you want to go on vacation. I'll make it happen I don't want you You and your chick and I'll just plan the vacation dude. I don't want you where do you want to go? No? No, no, you want to go. Where do you want to go? Rome? You're gonna go to Rome? I do I do want to go to Rome together And I'll plan the entire vacation and I'll put you up in a hotel. No, I'm not going to Rome with you

Why not? I'm not because I'm not going to Rome with you come on My wife wants to go to Rome. She's planning a row. She's not playing the whole thing No, I mean, pop me up in the whole thing inside tour to the Col She's planning a road. She's about to run. I'll plan the whole thing. I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be. No. Inside tour to the Colosseum. No. Shit, you can't get into.

I can get you on that tour. No. Come on, Bobby. No, no, no, no, because I see your face, Bert. It'll be so much fun. Look, I love you, dude. This whole thing went fine. But I know you.

I know deep down. Exactly. Something's gonna happen. Australia. No. Where do you wanna go? No. How about France? No. South of France. No. Oh, like a boat tour. No. Where do you want to go? No. How about how about France? No. South of France. Oh, like a boat tour.

No, come on, Bobby. I can do whatever we want. I'm not getting on a boat with you ever again. It's not happening. I can jackass. Oh, um, I know you if I go to Rome with my wife, if me and you someday will go somewhere. Okay. We'll go somewhere. We'll go to like Brazil. Maybe I can't go to Brazil. Maybe I'll take like you Me you and Norton and we're going to Man's tour Well with what me you and Norton. Yeah, that's a man's tour me you Norton Voss That's not a man's tour. That's an old man's tour and two fucking men. We'll go to Amsterdam Scotland that's a fucking dude who likes to Brucles

Dude I this is what I say we do what we reunite the fucking the RV. I'll do it. We get frosty. We get fucking Vince yeah, we get the RV and we do the same trip again. I'm in yeah, I'm in a hundred. I do that Let's do it. I'm a frosty wouldn't go in the water He was terrified pussy and he lost his flip flops cuz he lost his shoes memory I do he was like I'm only going to my shoes and he jumped in and't go in the water. He was terrified. Pussy. And he lost his flip flops because he lost his shoes. And he was like, I'm only going to win my shoes. And he jumped in and he sunk in the water. And he was like, help, help. And his shoes were stuck in the water and we had to find them. What?

I don't remember that. I don't remember any of that. And I was so drunk that whole trip. I don't know, I don't know. We're called Frosty and I guarantee you. We're calling Frosty and if you lying, if I'm not lying, there's no way I could have made that. We're calling Frosty, we're gonna do this.

Thanks for being on my show, dude. That would be a say to buddy. And what, so what are you plugging? Nothing. Nothing. Dude, what you doing there? The road. The road.

Bert at Bert Kreischer. Bert Kreischer. Bert Kreischer. If you go to BertbertertBert.com, three Berts, B-R-D-B-R-D-U-I-B-E-D, you'll find all my stuff. My Twitter, my Facebook, my YouTube, everything. Yeah. And then you can buy a machine shirt, you can listen to the machine

story. I'll give you one. I want one. Yeah, no problem. And I'm going to take a picture of it. You know, put it on my Twitter, you guys can see what it looks like. I actually love the shirt. It's a cool looking shirt.

These guys, the ones that created it. Really? Yeah, and then. Who are these guys? They're documentaries, they're following you. Oh, yeah, just let you guys know that we've been filming this whole podcast. Yeah, so we're doing a documentary, Jeff,

and Jeff's wife and my wife are good friends. That's cool. That's how you know he has a big cock. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, she said it's monster. Like, he can't even get all blood in it. So, so. Really? You know what I'm saying? Look at his hands.

Yeah. Holding that fucking camera. It looks like a tiny little fucking, little fucking high eight in his hands. I know. So they decided to do it. He knows he has a big car because he didn't even fucking, not even a smile.

He, uh, nothing. I would be. Big dick. Do the camera. So, uh, down with the camera. So they said, I told him I wanted to do a documentary and they were like, great, they put Shada's sizzle reel, we put it on Kickstarter.com, raise 30 grand in a month to make a documentary. No shit.

Yeah, and then they took, they made a budget, they got the cameras, they got, and then, and then in order to raise the money, they ended up making the shirts so that every time you donated more and more, you got more shit, and they made the shirts, and the second they made the shirts. They went through the roof, Rogan saw them, and it was like, I need one. So I gave it one to Rogan, he wore it on his podcast, and literally the second he put it on the podcast, the fucking 30 grand was done. So.

So you need, oh, so you don't, so, I mean, if dude, if I put it on my podcast, it'll get around, it'll be, it'll, you get like 48 bucks. Yeah, I'll take it. I'll take it. 48 bucks, you guys go dinner tonight? Yeah, it's not like dinner, but you get pizzas. Yeah, pizzas'll take it. 48 bucks. You guys go dinner tonight? Yeah, not like dinner dinner dinner.

You get pizzas. Yeah, pizzas, definitely. Oh, murder pizza. I definitely want it. So you put it on that kick start thing. Kick starter and then that raised the money. To be able to do it. Yeah, and then now I just now I just have these shirts.

I sell them on my website. And what is this what is this whole thing about? What does this well? I don't know. We're trying to figure it out. Like I wanted to do a documentary that was representative of what we're talking about, the road. What that slice of life is like.

Not tourism, not like comedians, a comedy, but just real. What my life's like. But, and so we've been shooting the road and just kind of the chaos that happens on the road, but we're trying to figure it out. And these guys are with you all the time. Everywhere I go. Like they went to Amsterdam, pretend days with me. They went to England.

We did the comedy store there. We did. We've done Columbus, New York, Tempe. Are you going to the seller tonight? No, I have my last shows like fucking 12. So what? The seller goes to three in the morning. Maybe I'll stop by the seller.

I don't know, but com, you know, comics are weird. If I roll in the morning maybe I'll stop by the seller I don't know but com you know comics are weird if I roll in the cameras have a bit like with the fuck like come on man And then I'll be like a you know it'll be weird weird I'm gonna be like that. I don't know At 12 30 no fucking comics. It's all the We'll get we'll get 45 minutes of arti All right, he says oh shit. All right. All right godfrey and hearty Oh shit. All right, all right, God free an heart. 45 minutes of fucking deletable material. I love those guys.

I love, I love, I love walking by the cellar and running into like Sharad. Like people I haven't seen have fucking forever. Yeah, yeah. Fucking the best, the heart of New York comedy. It's crazy, right? We're back in the fucking day. Now we're out. Now you know what we're doing?

We're working. Yeah. It's work. That's all this fucking business businesses. You want to, you want to fucking do something? You want to be on TV? You want to buy fucking crushed ice for your kids? You got to wake up and go to work. You'll do podcasts. You got to fucking do documentaries. You got to fucking audition. You got to do the shows and the shit towns. all that you get to get up and fucking right shit Yeah, come up with ideas and get with talented fucking people and work your ass off That's that's what it that's what it is. It's not just getting on stage and being funny Yeah, having somebody go you're the shit those days are dead. Yep. They're dead. You're totally fucking right. Yeah

It is a it is becoming job. It's a job, but it's a fucking great job. Great job I would never trade it for anything in the world I'm the luckiest man in the fucking world and I genuinely sincerely believe that but you it is a job Yeah, it's a fucking job, but I'm proud man. Look at where we we're in a fucking fancy hotel in New York City Both fucking have crushed ice in our lives. Yeah, I'm getting mine next week You've had yours for a while because you're fucking 26 deals I'm proud of you man, so thanks for coming on I love it. Thank you. I like you a lot

Now I love you too, buddy. I'll talk to you later Okay, here's the deal go right now to iTunes and get my app. It's free. You asshole. It's free. Free. If you have an iPhone, you don't have my app on it and you listen to this podcast, you're a fucking loser. Or you're just lazy. It has the podcast on there, updates every week. It has my tour dates. It has a bunch of shit and it's free. It's free. It's the best way to listen to the podcast if you have an iPhone. It's free. It's the best way to listen to the podcast if you have an iPhone Writing your fucking hand it updates automatically and another thing mother fuckers Thank you for donating all the fucking cash you have we've got we've made this podcast a million times better because of your donations If you want to donate it's ten dollars and twenty dollars

We're gonna kind of switch that up to make it whatever you want. It's on Gloryholeradio.com slash Robert Kelly right at top donate button We appreciate all the donations Because it does help it fucking helps we pay for a bunch of shit Microphones and cords and wires and fucking mixing boards and all kinds of due dads that we need to make this show better So you guys get to fucking have some entertainment in your life So thank you for all the donations keep spreading the word tell everybody you know to get this fucking have some entertainment in your life. So thank you for all the donations, keep spreading the word, tell everybody you know to get this fucking podcast. You guys got us up to number 30 last week, that's amazing.

So thank you and that's it, keep listening. you