Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Bert's Skirts

Episode Date: October 31, 2016

This week on YKWD: We have Bert Kreischer, Tim Dillon, and Jared Freid! Bobby and Bert lament life on the road, "The Table" no longer being what it was, but see hope in the rising young-bloods like Jared and Tim. Enjoy the episode, then go get your Fascia removed! RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ya son casi las dos, nos vamos a ir a casa o hemos venido a jugar. A casa, a casa, nadie va a irse a casa. Hay que ponerse modo de racón. ¿Eres un dragón? Soy el dragón de Fireball. Ya te digo yo que las mejores historias siempre piezan con un chupito de Fireball. Bien, frío. Yo, pues al lío.

Un Fireball, sabes que la fiesta será épica. Ignite the night, con Fireball. Disfruta de sabes que la fiesta será épica. Ignite the night. Con fireball. Disfruta de un consumo responsable. 33 grados. ¿Estás listo a Robert Kelly? ¿Qué es, ¿qué es, dude? En la network riotcast.com.

¡Qué es, Lomb. A la fuertes podcast de la planita. Es una cuchara. ¡A que no hay ningún rujo! ¿Tú lo que es mi gas? to the funniest podcast on the planet Earth. This is gonna be a clash to fuck. It's podcast, no rules. Talking to the mic asshole, I'm sure I've already said should I regret it? Can I get a mic? No, what the fuck?

That was trying to keep it like a comic head. I have a bunch of you guys on. It's just us sitting down, and sometimes it's hilarious, sometimes it's 10 no topics, no directions. I love doing it. Play both sides to the coin

My podcast is popular I might affect somebody's life. You never know What's up, all right, fuckers, we're here. We're here, we're queer. And uh, that's good. That sounds good. Sounds like I've been healthy. Oh, that's great. I've been partying pretty hard. This is the podcast you're all gonna listen to when you're gone.

Okay. That'll be the unmass I just did with Bennington. Oh my god. The end, we've talked about my funeral. I was like, I gotta clean up just with this isn't how I go out. I mean, I want to get into this with you. First of all, of course, you can hear the fucking laugh and the voice, the machine, Bert Kreischer.

Bert Kreischer is in the house. Who else we got in the studio? We got Tim Dylan. Good to be here. Love him, love him, big fan. Thank you. Responsible for his career. Thank you, I agree.

Yes. I have Jared Freed back on the show. Happy to be here. Thank you for having me. Thank you, Jared Freed. on the show. Happy to be here. Thank you for having me. Thank Jared Freed, my buddy, my pal, and a patch fan. And did you? What's that fucking love? All of it.

I love it all. I love it all. I'm a little tough. Very non-Jewy. What do you mean? What does that mean? It's a very Italian-y. Yeah.

A couple of ways of saying Jews are ugly. Yeah, I'm good looking. Bobby, I can't wait to tell you who he reminds me of. Okay, great. Well, all right, who else we got in the studio? We got, of course, Deepu, the mastermind. It's a fluffanger. The fucking Kung Fu motherfucker video. And we got two very special guests.

We got Nikola. Nikola. Nikola. Who? Nikola? Is that Nikola? Nikola. Why would you use it? You supposed to introduce him supposed to introduce him first then ladies first. Oh God. Oh, you What am I a man? She said? Yeah, you know, we didn't you fucking gloss over it

Yeah, don't gloss over my fucking protégé Baba Lauren God bless you, man. I mean you look fantastic. Thanks. I love you finally got the tan color right on your face I don't think God have enjoyed Fantastic. Thanks. I love you finally got the tan color right on your face. I know thank God I've been trying to start you stop looking like my painting behind you Sorry, I stick up on the trash or fucking face. I love that shirt. You look beautiful. Oh gorgeous mama How do I look any man any man in your life? Yeah, you do. Yeah, I'm gonna talk about that Let's talk about that dick Get into that dick. You're gonna get into that dick.

And then we get, of course, Scopo, the man with the hips, the big ass, the fucking weird hair, the birthmark. Birthmark? He has a birthmark on his chin. Oh, I thought that was a, oh, yeah. Catch up.

Yeah, it does look like herpes. That's about birthmark. He had a little juice on. I got those on my dick once a year. Whoa. Just kidding. Oh, we not on the curse. We don't go to him talking to him. I on the curse Oh, I don't have her piece. I don't have her piece. I gotta go guys. It's a fun Facebook live All right, who do we get on the couch? Oh, Nicola?

She is like right up my fucking hat. Why would you is he testing me? I see here. I said listen to me. Good one. What is this? You and my wife and Kahoot's Don't know you know that actually made my dick harder. Dawn. Dawn. She said I told Dawn if she knew my wife like vaguely that'd be so hot If she was like, listen, I know I know Dawn from high school You don't know my wife right? Where you from, baby? Jersey. Jersey. Oh God. You have a boyfriend of course. Where is he? Tennessee. Oh, he's in Tennessee Trucker. Yeah, of course. Are you trying to figure out where he is?

She said of course like please Of course so he so he's listening away if he's a trucker. He's listening. He doesn't know how to find the podcast Oh really that's good. He's in Hunters. Find his way home. In Tennessee fashion, can't use technology. What's he, what's he, is he trying to get a truck full of beer to text our canna in 48 hours? They're got a long way to go.

I had a short time to get there. Damn you banded. I'm following the tail, honey. Now, let me tell you something. What is it? Kidnapping, kidnapping, baby, kid. Well, can't do can we do to do? And he took a woman across the state lines, didn't have a permission.

That's the man act. That's what you get for hanging out with them, show folk fans. How's that for hygiene? Who's hanging around with them, show folk fans? I want, hey, we talked about this weekend. I want to get a Diablo burger and a doctor pep into going. I'm going to God damn hurry. So that so you married a redneck? No, he's from Ecuador.

Ecuador. Wow, she married. What the fuck, would you meet him? Would you have your apartment redone? Nothing? Well, all right. So I'll fill your supporters in here. What would you meet him?

Online. Oh, you met an Ecuadorian online, and now is he full-blooded or is he like, hey, what's up, man? No accent and everything. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, I'm not fucking where you, Bubba. Thank you for coming to the show, moving on. Meado.

Matt. Yeah, I'm not even fucking, are you nuts? I think I'm gonna have some fucking Ecuadorian with a tear drop tattoo and fucking Jesus written across his Adam's apple. Come up to me. Hey, assie, hold up, hold up. What'd you say?

Fuck it, just slice my throat, fucking takes my head, pulls my tongue through my neck, puts it up here on the fucking podcast, you guys still do a show without me. Cause you're like, burnt better than me. All right, what else you got? Who's this fucking? What? I said, be great, it'd be like fun, great.

Not great, that's not great. You're like, fun. I was just thinking's this fucking? What? I said be great. It would be like fun great not great I'm great great fun. I was just thinking I was listening what you said that would be a fun development. I got a good story teller Yeah, it was great. What else we got who's this fucking little little Matt? Hi, you look like an original ONA fan From like 1998 like the originals Yeah, that no, that's there'd be the point be the point. Oh god. I'm gonna explain it Do you listen to the show? I mean here. What's the hat you get on there killer rainers? Nice All right, who else we got this is Ray Cump excuse me Ray Cump You last name's comp what what is that comp? It's a German. Oh, right? Oh really? Yeah, so they're kind of name

That's a security guard when a bombing goes on You said it we should talk to Ray Cump about this Where's Cump? What do you do, Ray Cump? Video editor, are you coming? My co-host of Tim Dones going to hell. Oh, you're the co-host. Yeah I wanted him to watch a real podcast. Oh really? Why? Well, this is part of the gas digital thing. We come here. We watch, we we steal and then leave. I know. I know. I know. I know. We're seeing your

projects. Bill's going to hell. Yeah. Okay. And he's your co-host. Yeah. Really? Co-hosts. Yeah. That's great. I mean, he sounds like why don't you just have him on one day? That's all. I'll have my comics on all the time. I know. That's why I said come watch your show. All right. Well, maybe we'll have you on next time to be great. Yeah, maybe come here and be a co-host Since Tim's gonna steal run that apartment Hey, I was thinking of doing a wireless my mother's in town And then I'm having a we're doing a Agress on Saturday

What about on when can you do Wednesday? Yeah, I guess I yeah Bobby's making fun of the fact that our podcast studio is in the smaller room of a two-room apartment. Well, this is a smaller village. We're the same thing, but yeah, it's like nobody's here. Right. Yeah, look, I don't have to. There is like a six-foot-five, dude. Yeah. No matter what's going on, he's just in his living room and is underwear walking around. Yeah. Yeah. At any time. Ralph. Yeah. underwear walking around. Yeah, yeah, at any time. Ralph, yeah, so you're going to rent

and all the sudden you see Ralph walk by with fruitless shadows. It kind of takes you out of your rent mode. Oh, I was there last night. Yeah, is it? Oh, yeah, Ralph's an interesting apartment. It's very interesting, yeah. Very interesting, really.

It's got an elevator that goes to the floor. Right, yeah, you just walk right in. That's like a dream apartment. Yeah, I mean a dream pussy pad Yeah, well you just say, hey want to come back and ding and like there's no hallway. Yeah, where she could like change your mind No keys Just ding Some loose hook-up plans

Away was a real I knew it was a loose hookup plan. That all way was a real game changer. Where she called, 10 steps. I don't know about this one. I'm out of here. I mean, New York City apartment, you have a six-floor walkup. That could ruin your chances again.

Head, dude. There's been many of your girls. I've said, you know what, I'm out. I can't make it. I can't make it up to the fifth floor. I'm not gonna make it. I'm done. You can blow me on the third floor

with a trash compactor as you can suck by digging the third fall. Who tapped out first you were hurt me? Crazy I'm not gonna I can only make it as high I love times I like to acclimate on this floor There's there was nothing worse than even when I was in shape Meeting a girl who lived on a fucking six-floor walk-up. I mean, you just, twice you do it. And then that third time, hey, wanna come over?

Absolutely not. And you have to take that sad break before you knock on the door. Yeah, like you have to like sit there and be like, okay, get it together at the landing on the six floor, you know? Because then you, like, if it's too long between the buzzer and when you get up there, that's kind of embarrassing.

Yeah. If it's too long, like buzzer. And when you get up there, that's kind of embarrassing. Yeah. It's too long like she's timing you. I mean, 15 minutes. What the fuck have you been doing? I had a chick, I had a chick choke on her way up because we were eating pizza. What? And it was, I lived on a four story walk up in right around here.

And on the way up, she started, she was, we're breathing hard. And she just started choking on pizza. And I was like, ah, fuck. Really? Yeah. But I was dating her. Did you have to take her back down?

She stopped choking, but she started choking and scared her. Oh, my God. And then she cried. And then we got into my room and I was like, this isn't going to happen. And she was visiting from Orlando. Oh, my God. And I was like, fuck. And she still fucked her because she's from Orlando.

No. And let me tell you something. I cannot, I'll never go to Florida. I cannot move to Florida. Oh, why? Because the women down there are fucking smoking hot and they don't care if you're literally, if you're a priest. They don't give a shit, they'll suck your collar off.

They literally suck it off and then as they're taking your dick out and going, hi, and they're the friendliest nicest beautiful The I get unbelievable I guess they're not LA. They're not New York. You know, like you know, you got to like no What's wrong with you? Jared settled down God gave you the light I'm not gonna give you the light. Yeah, the fuck? The only better than that was a Chicago Chicks.

Italian Chicago Chicks. Yes. That's all you have. What was up with that? That's a sweatshirt, dude. Those are the best. I hooked up with a chick from Chicago, and I lived here.

And she was so nurturing. It was almost like this Italian like, like if she was hot, she's like, what do you need? I remember I had to do a show and all her friends were in town I was like you guys can use my apartment get dressed get ready and if you guys can all show nice here Yeah, I know and this she and I was like she's like do you need to get ready for your show? How about I rub you back? What are accident am I doing my mother?

Bobby do you need me to rub her back before he does a show? Where can we go? Back before he does his show with a big paper up. Dude, you're awesome, bud. I swear to God, I like you better than Bobby Don't tell him. Fucking dude, I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your pack up, dude. I'll suck it. Your pack up. Don't tell my son.

I'm taking my jacket off. Can I say something about you? Yes. Bert. And you know, you are that fucking guy. You, you, you. I you are that fucking guy. You, you, I remember when I lived in LA and I would hang out with you a little bit.

Yeah. And you, I think you would already gotten a bunch of deals. You already done a bunch of things, but it was in between that. Like there's always that thing in between the highs and the next high. It's not really a low, it's just fucking waiting for the next thing.

And I remember I was hanging out with you and I met you at a some apartment in fucking marina Some part of marina a Venice that I didn't know existed It was like canals and weird shit and we went over there and there was like five of six girls smoking hot and Every one of them I could have sworn was with you. Like you have that personality. Like I have like a, I can't put up with shit. I don't have, I wish I had it.

I wish I had the ability like you to kind of let shit go. Like a girl says I'm stupid and you're just be like, what? And you're moving, you're just a fun fucking guy. Everybody loves you. And when you're there, it's like everybody's having a good time. And I remember being there just being like fucking that Boston uncomfortable.

And I was looking at one girl and maybe I could have fucked that one. And you're just like, let's all fuck it. And yeah, you shared it off. I think you were wearing a skirt. It's very possible. I went through a Sarong period. Yeah, you had like a skirt on.

And he's a wrong face. That was my Sarong face. I went through a Sarong and then I came way to turn into a moo moo period. I'm not even fucking around. Buddy, I'm not kidding. He had a fucking skirt on and fucking six smoking hot Venice chicks.

And I was just like sitting and I was in shape. I was fucking sexy Bobby but around this motherfucker he has this brightness to him. He's got a brightness to him and You're not you're not threatened threatened at all. Yeah, can I back that up for I'll tickle you're not for a second I open for Bert a couple weekends. We know just the funniest fucking dude, fun and right. All right, well I'm trying to give a compliment. You're like, stop, just go ahead. I didn't know, I didn't know on fucking CNN.

I'm so fucking stupid. I was just saying, it was, yeah, I gave it to myself. Exactly what you're saying though. Just like everyone's gonna have a drink. Yeah, you know, it was a blast. That's all, I'm sorry. That is true, but here's what I do worry about you. And I worry about you, because I'm a recovering fucking drunk.

And I see you, you get drunk a lot. Oh, you could say that. And I get worried, dude. I'm not kidding. I told you. You have such a fucking beautiful life, a beautiful family. I look at, I see this, and you've had it for a long time. You've, I don't know why I've turned into a fucking tommin'. I don't know why I said that, but you've had it for a long time. Yeah. You've, I don't know why I've turned it into a fucking tommin'.

I don't know why I said that. But you've had it for a long time. And, you know, looking man, drinking alcohol on your, my uncle. Yeah. Same guy. Wasn't too crazy. Drank had a drink all the time. Maybe, you know, five, six times a week, bourbon, blah, blah, blah, smote, blah, blah.

And then his liver, fucking gone. Yeah, I got a little, how? It was good. You all right? I go to, blah, blah, and then his liver fucking gone. He had to get a little, how? That was good. You all right? I go to the dude, I go to the doctor once a year, I go to the cardiologist every six months, just to do a little check up on my head pressure.

I'm a fat fuck. And we all, I could tell, we all worry about each other, but the weird thing is having the balls to say to each other. Because I know that I know today that Jim wanted to say something to me. Like, I could feel it. And I was like, and I was like, I, you don't have to.

And then, and Ronny wanted to say something to me at some point, because he's like, he's like, I know you're having a good time. Just always keep, keep in mind. Oh, I'm saying it to you. Yeah, I'm saying it to you because I've came up with you. I love you. And I don't want, I don't want to see you.

Number one, I don't want you to have to fucking have this thing that you do when you don't want to do it anymore. I don't want you to be the party guy when you, you're doing a party. I just don't party. I've done it, I've done it on the road. And also, I don't want you to have to fucking sell shot glasses when you fucking 55.

Hey, the bird glass, the machine. Hey, there's still buying shot glasses, it's a 55, but I'm cool with it. I don't, you know, the Bert mixed glass, the machine. If there's still buying a shotgun, I think it'd be fine. I'm gonna pay. I'm cool with it. You know, the Berk mixed rig, can't you? Oh, dude, I'm fucking would love that. But I'm saying, I do, like, look man, I'm worried about, like, I'm done.

Well, Kevin Meeney, first of all, Kevin Meeney passed away, which I want to... 60 is a young. 60's fucking young for comics in our on our field and here's the thing too He got a shit together. You good? Yeah, he lost weight became a vegetarian What was the heart attack heart attack Jesus I don't know where I don't know yet. We don't know they get it scheduled It was right on time actually If that was true, I would love to just schedule one now.

It's cool to decide. If I could recover it. If I could recover it and then have the motivation, the bottom to get thin, I think. Go into the hospital and have them do a scheduled heart attack. They go, you're gonna have a heart attack. We're gonna save your life, but it's gonna be sketchy. And then you have the heart attack.

And then you know what it's like to have a heart attack. And then they go, we saved you. Now it's time to change your lifestyle. You've just had a heart attack. then they go, we saved you. Yeah. Now it's time to change your lifestyle. You've just had a heart attack. It scares the shit out of me. Like, you don't always get the little one that makes you change. You don't get the bottom all the time. Sometimes you go right to fucking the widow maker, they call it.

The widow maker, yeah. Like, that scares the fuck out of me. Do you have a cardiologist? I have, I get checked out once a year. Yeah. I have my heart checked, my blood checked. Have you have a cardiologist? I get checked out once a year. I have my heart checked, my blood checked. Have you done a CT scan? Yes, I have. I did a CT scan, no 100% clearer. Okay, I did one too, because I remember it was a few years ago we were writing the book cheat. I remember on the phone, Burr and Dero said, we were arguing, of course,

yeah, not, yeah, not, of course. Yeah, not, not, of course. And we're arguing about some fucking thing. And all of a sudden I felt the pain in my chest. And I was like, I was trying to fight it. And I was like, and then I grabbed my, and I was like, guys, I have to call you back. And they were like, what the fuck? And my wife was like, what the fuck?

And it slowly went away, but I went, I found it it was a, A softical spasms. It was a reflex. Oh, right in here. I had those. Well, you think it's the big one? I had it. It's not grabbing a chest, like, fuck, is this having to sound?

I walked. I'm coming, I'm coming! I walked down. I was in Maine and I walked a mile to the store to get something from it, because I was like, there's no sleeping, whatever this fucking is, and I was having them. After a while, I would eat, do the kale juices.

It would fuck me up. And I'd be like, in the middle of talking to people. Dude, I thought I was dying. A nesophical spasm feels like somebody's a little fucking, a little strong dude is inside your chest, grabbing your shit. I thought I was dying. But now Kevin's gone, which is sad as shit,

because I saw him down here, he looked fucking great. He did? Yeah, dude, you talk about a guy in his 50, who came out of his closet, okay? It's still friends with his wife, friends, beautiful family, came out of the closet, God healthy, became a vegetarian, started doing comedy from scratch,

started doing all new stuff And everybody loves like you he had that thing when you when you shut up and Kevin was around Didn't matter if you knew him you a great friend you were like hey, what's up? He's like hey, how you doing mr. It was just fucking great to be around yeah, and you had that energy. He did Yeah, now he's fucking gone What I've got 18 years what do you mean if I die it's a journey of 18? Let's turn this down as you're I'm not gonna stop drinking tonight And I'm definitely bringing tomorrow morning when I go to the airport. Are you drinking in the morning? Sometimes yes.

I'm out for a flight. What do you want to do for the flight? Fadi, ever wake up in the morning and you need a cookie? Buddy, it's a six-year-old. Oh, in the morning I don't need cookies. I like savory in the morning. I'm telling you, man. Buddy, me and you got the same shit in our head.

Yep. I know we do. I know we do. Yep. And for me, like today I did, today I started pressing it like nine in the morning. And I've been doing it. And the first drink I had was over with Kurt, Sharad. And I was like, pace it, because I want to have a good time here. I didn't want to get hammered and come here. But my thing with drinking is, I don't really need to drink.

I just enjoy it. Right, okay. I mean, I guess that drink. I just enjoy it. Right. Okay. I mean I guess that's how every alcohol is gonna say that Hey, Bert. I really love dim sum too I think you know listen man. I could drink it for a month. I quit drink it for a month, no booze, no weed. What happened? Honestly, you felt great. No, I felt depressed. I talked about it on the podcast,

we were going to be just. Yeah, okay, can I? I was like, I was meditating. I totally realized I was meditating. And there's a lot of change going on in my life. And I just felt like life didn't have a sparkle. Like I was like, I don't get a sparkle at the end of it. Can I explain something to you brother?

There's a difference between happiness and excitement Excitement is when you fucking meet a girl and you are you feel like shit you're terrible Yes, you feel like shit and you day sucks you depressed you hate yourself you hate your life All of a sudden some hot blonde comes up and it's like hey, how you doing? I hand you the number and you talk for a second. She's like call me. You're like what the fuck? Yes, everything's great That's not look for life. That's what I look for life later that night You go to call that number right and you're excited and it's the wrong number. She fucked you. You're right back where you were Yeah, you know what happiness is when you're sister calls you and goes hey, what's going on?

Just thinking of you. I love you and you're like hey, what's up sis? Thanks. I love you too It doesn't feel the same. It's just happiness is very, it's in the middle. It never goes up and it never goes down. It's kind of middle. But we always shoot, you know what we shoot for? That fucking up. And you know what else we shoot for? The sister who calls and goes,

I love you, Psychi, not your sister, I'm her friend, I wanna fuck you. But you know what else we shoot for? That's right, exactly. But you know what else we shoot for? We shoot for the bottom. We like the bottoms. We love that fucked up part.

We love coming back like fucking Rocky. We love getting that bottom, fucking hood, and calling up a friend. And then I'm going, dude, you gotta, and then, and then, and then, lifting up that log and getting back into it. And I'm doing good and everybody's like, dude, you great, you look great, you're doing good,

and you get these accolades, and then you hit the top, and then you forgot, you stopped doing all the shit that actually got you there again, because you're there, and you get these accolades and then you hit the top and then you forgot you stopped doing all the shit That actually got you there again because you're there and you fucking fade away and all of a sudden Your self-medicating again because I do with food dude. Yeah people say fat fat fat fat all fucking day long to me And they're right. I'm self-medicating with a fucking cheeseburger a far a dumpling Whatever the fuck it is because I can't drink or use drugs or eat pussy and more. He just launched it off his Facebook live postings.

Buddy. I saw all the posts. Yeah, I saw you guys eat fun. I was like, fuck, I'm a fuck. But I see you drinking. I'm like, I want a fucking drink. I want a fucking just take my shirt off and fucking just drink. Get fucking shit taste.

It feels good. I know. It feels so good. It hears the thing with drinking though. It's so socially acceptable. Oh, yeah. Drink get fucking shit taste. I know It hears the thing with drinking though. It's so socially acceptable. Oh, like food Harrowing if you were doing heroin we'd be like dude go fuck yourself get off it And even with that people don't say shit you can go near we watch people fucking die all the time on Drugs yeah cuz we're too scared for them not to like us. Yeah, you know what I mean people People, you know, look man, and it's all on us. I'm dunded.

I've been juicing for two days. Kevin Meaney died. You would juicing like you at home with vegetables. No, I've been shooting up steroids. I'm not fucking, I'm like, I'm taking a fast track. I love you. I love you.

I'm on this podcast. He's got the good one, schedule. How do you do it, Art of that? He's the best. You don't know this, Cox. He's my best. He's the best. Thank you.

I appreciate it for me, Coxing. I didn't know. I didn't mean it like that. No, I don't know this cox He's my great thank you. I appreciate it. Tell me a coccyl The I don't know no no I don't even like that. No, it's I understand you generation buddy It's a job He's getting Yeah, why don't we go on the cleaning with him? Listen about killing yourself But six inches at a time Um, but six inches at a time. Yeah.

Six. But no, I thought about it because, you know, we do the same. I put food on the inscriptions. If you look at what I eat, I watch your, it's a fucking food diary. It's a suicide diary. It really is. Cream spinach and fucking shellfish towers.

And I eat class. You should. How funny is it, shame? Shellfish tower though. You think that somehow that's. It's good. It feels cold when you eat it. So you feel like how can this be bad? Yeah, somehow that's. It's good. It feels cold when you eat it. So you feel like how can this be bad?

Yeah, it's bad. It feels refreshing. I'm eating, I'm eating. It's not good. I'm eating until I don't feel. Yeah. I went to my doctor. My doctor said is a little old Asian guy.

And I, because I'm always worried about aneurysms who come out of nowhere. And I'm like, I'm like, sorry, I don't have one yet. But my doctor, my doctor, my doctor. Load me up with another one. Yeah with another one. Can you give him another director? Yeah. Let's. My doctor, I said, I'm worried about these annulters. He's like, no, he's like, you'll have a conventional strome. He's like, he's

like, he's like, you don't need, you don't need me. I have a contract. You'll legitimately have a regular very much. We know where it came from. Yeah. That's the crazy thing about doctors. When I first saw my general practitioner, she said, do you have a history of cancer in your family? I said, no. And she goes, do you have a history of heart disease? I said, no. She goes, oh, how did your father live?

I said, yeah, but his dad and my other dad both died of strokes. And my dad had a heart attack. Oh, my God. And she went, oh, that'll get you. That's my thing. Well, I'm oh, that'll get you. That was like, oh fuck, that's my thing. Well, I'm probably gonna get diabetes. No. Don't say it like that.

Don't say that. Listen to me, I'm telling you right now, and this is like your planning to get it. I'm not kidding, man. I'm really, I had a fucked up dude. I didn't go to therapy today. Yeah. I fucking, I went, you know what I did today?

Instead of therapy, I went and there's new backpack. I wanted a new backpack another one to fill my fucking hall right Yeah, I use tech and all this shit I went and obsessed at a fucking North face place I had five backpacks and I was go I was undoing my back and filling them with all I Filled my backpack brought it down and I said I got a see which I filled my backpack, brought it down, and I said I gotta see which, I filled each backpack around four times. Just to see how it feels. To see which one was the fucking, what did you fill it with?

With the stuff that's in my backpack. I brought my backpack. A bunch of foe and stuff. Yeah, it's all like that. But I thought it was like, dim sandwiches, dimsauce, chaffish towers. Oh yeah.

Yeah, the cheeseburger and the filling. That's how it goes. Shopping is a weird, it's a fucking, it's so I do that. I'm there. I do that. I do that. I do that. I and then I missed therapy because and I I know what I did. I was doing it. I fucking did the succession. I just to miss therapy. And then I called them and I I called them on the phone. I was on some side street in fucking Westchester somewhere and I was fucking crying on the phone because I'm like I intentionally avoided facing my feelings with you.

I didn't want to go see you, I didn't want to fucking get help, I don't want to fuck, I don't want, it's too hard for me to change, nobody who fucking helped me, nobody gives a fuck about me and I don't know what the fuck to do because I've never had anybody, you know, be there for me. Every time I got happiness, something ripped it out of my fucking hands. I wanna call my wife right now. Yeah, because that story you just told is what I do every Tuesday.

Every Tuesday, I go, no, no, no, I do that. I do my wife, I go, well you did with the bags, I do that. I go, I can't do this, I got too much shit to do. You know what understands? Well, I'm doing on your car. No, I do this What you did with the bags I do that I can't do this I got too much shit to do I you know and understands what I'm doing it all myself. I do my podcast myself I do my fucking TV show myself. I'm writing the script. I'm doing all that I do my stand-up I put all my flights stop one second once that we now we know he has a TV show All right, I am writing one to I'm so as a Jared and so as in fucking Tim, okay? I'm booking my tour dates in these theaters at the Wilbur Theater on the Just went on pre-sale go to my Twitter

What are you fucking Lewis Gomez? My showtime special there's no member 11 There's no member 11. That's not the end. And so, but like. But no, I'm not even fucking around. But that show time special. I don't fucking know. They were like, they were like, we want a sizzle clips.

And I was like, great. And they just gave me the footage. And I'm like, edit them. Because I can do it. And then they were like, you'll know what you want. And I was like, yeah. But I do that same thing you do where I try to get out of it. Because I don't want to deal with it. I don't to feel I really I sat there on the phone and I was like, you know Kevin meanies dead. I can't

I'm so fat. I I'll tell you what happened. I'm okay. I'm gonna expose myself right now. This is pretty deep shit This is what I like about stand-up by the way for all you people that feel like you need to be a Cult of personality, of perfection, go fuck yourselves. This is my favorite part of stand up. This is why I got into it. Is these exposing moments?

Yeah, sorry. I don't know if this is stand up or funny, but thanks, Bart. I think that I'm going to expose myself right now. I would have set you up to show your face. But apparently you got some zingers that are going to come out right now. Now I'm pressured to be funny when I do this. This is my fairie's out of standup Goksack Well, okay, I gotta go to Lenny's wedding and this is just a fact and and I don't give a fuck

I know there's a bunch of skinny fucks that have never had wait and put their pants on zip shit And you live your fucking life and fat people of fat people and it's their fucking problem. I know. I get it and fucking drug addicts they're fuck off. Okay, there's the worst drug of them all food. Worse to me. It is. It is. You gotta do it. So, fucking, um, it's funny. Three. So, three. Little snacks. So, I fucking, we're trying to get real here, bro. I'm trying to get real.

What is this three speakers? Just talking about what you're eating a cookie in the morning. So I had to go to fucking, I'm such a piece of shit. I had to go to this Lenny's wedding. And I told my wife, make sure you have motor, I'm wearing, I'm wearing. Now, I had to go last time, I had to go to fucking the men's warehouse, which I've never,

when you have to go to the men's warehouse, it's a fucking shit feeling. Yeah, you know what I mean? Cause you can't just go down to the store and grab a pair of pants. You can't just go to Marshall's real quick, which I've done my whole life. Grab a t-shirt, throw it on or something.

I had to go to the, you have to go to the men's warehouse, have some dude with a ruler around his neck. Help you out. They treat you well. They treat you unbelievably. They treat you so well. Men's warehouse. But it's like a cancer, like that's the way.

They're like, it's gonna be alright. So I'm ready to go to the thing. I put my pants on, don't fit. Other pants, don't fit. I put my shirt and don't fit. I put my custom fucking suit jacket, thousand dollars from Antonio. Don't fit. I put my custom fucking suit jacket, $1,000 from Antonio. Don't fit.

Don't fit. Right? No, not when it's Antonio, you don't. You really are into playing. Prince, no. And God gave you hair. Yeah, there's nothing that's been dearest. So, and then I'm fucked.

I got two hours to the, we have to leave. I gotta go run to the fucking place and go, look at man, I need you to help me. You know, I'm too, I literally said, I'm a piece of shit, I gained weight, I don't fit into my fucking soup pants. I need soup pants to fit. Do you understand that my fucking bottom,

my waist is longer than my leg? I don't know what that means. My waist. Stop, stop, stop. What's your, what's your size pants you bought? I think I'm about 44. What's your leg? Or what's your leg?

I don't know my leg is. It's definitely 30. Yeah, I have a 30. Yeah, I have a 44 waist. We're in the same situation. He's in hold on. But Bobby, I think we're all in this situation because I'm like a 38, 32.

I'm 38, 32, yeah. Yeah, 30, Bobby, we're fine. He's a situation because I'm like a 38 32. I'm 38 32. Yeah, yeah He's saying we're fine. We're not fine. No, I was fucking I was crying Bobby, but the majority of America's pants are bigger in their own That's not right. Wow Bobby Bobby, but the majority of America's pants are bigger in the other way What's the wayside length size waste is 32 leg length I have no idea No idea My high he's my high 32. I'm a 34. I'm a 34 30 So same fucking thing It's 10, it's you're point is you're point is Point the best part of the story False yeah

My pants are wider than they are My shoe is bigger than my dick. Can you believe it? That's not true He said that as if we're all gonna go oh my god I knew I knew where you were going the minute you went into that story You were like I got wetting coming up and no nothing worse than putting on a suit and not fitting right? Hey, oh second I don't I don't think we've done with this yet. I think there's a little more. I listen Burnt sexy rubbing his beard of jokes to get more. I can't stop thinking of, I have 14th and fingers.

Do you understand what that means? Ah! This is fucking bad. This gotta be one of them. I'm a stroke problem. Well, if you die right now, if you've stroked out right now, you know what's up this morning. You don't understand me.

I got two ears, two years to his two feet one dick This isn't fair people You're done that was the done sigh. Oh my god. I'm fucking But you understand my point is that it's the worst fucking humiliating. I mean I I go down to fucking get a new shirt a new belt a new pair of pants people who don't understand this I fucking hate like anyone that's like oh what are you talking about put on a suit for the wedding? And you're like no, I've been dreading this for the whole fucking day because I'm not sure if these pants fit like that's like I lost 50 pounds a few years back and it's like and people don't

I lost 50 pounds a few years back and it's like and people don't fucking get. Yeah. Yeah. Big. I'm saying like I if you don't get that like I don't understand where you even think about it on a daily basis. Yeah. Like what do you think like minutes a minute? Well, it's like now I'm sitting there fighting with my wife. You know what I mean? I somehow blamed her because I'm a fucking angry. You're just fucking. Yeah, I'm like, you know, you supposed to, I told you to check, you know, we were supposed to try these on last week.

And we put the collar on your sweatin'. Dude, every, I was sweating. It was a fucking nightmare. But then you show up at the wedding, right? Yeah. And, you know, I'm that, I don't, I, I, I, I, I'm the guy. You ever see the guy that tucks his shirt in? Like the big guy who tux is shirtin?

And you're like, why are you talking that? That's just nuts, that's me. That was me, I tucked the shirtin. And I know, and look, it's all fucking comics. So they're all fucking smash me and I get it. I'll take it, I deserve it. I guess I don't think I do, but whatever. I mean, what are you gonna do?

Some of them are real funny. You know what I mean? Some of the jokes are funny. But it was like fuck man You know and then I'm done. I'm fucking done Yeah, it's not worth it. I don't understand. I don't understand. I sit there and I go I love food I don't know what I'm gonna do though. I know what else I'm gonna feel I'm gonna have to actually feel shit I'm gonna actually have to feel bad

lose a foot huh lose a foot I'm gonna actually have to feel bad. You're gonna lose a foot. Huh? Lose a foot. You know what? You mean get diabetes? That's when you'll get, I mean like a feeling. I don't know if they get rid of diabetes, can you?

Type two. Type two. Type two is just a nice little, let's get it going. Ah, maybe that's a good idea. That's what type two is. Type two is like start walking, start. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Type one is like how. Type one is like the hell. It's over. Type type to start walking star Is like It's over are you worried about it Tim?

I'm big now. I'm like I'm probably like I'm three oh eight. You're three oh, I know I don't I carry it well To who said that? What do you mean? Nobody said you said. No, no, no, no, no, you're not letting us say that about yourself. Yeah. Yeah. You can't. I don't know. I don't know. You know what I guess, my weight.

You wouldn't have said three away. I wouldn't have said three. Absolutely. I wouldn't have said three. Three and five and seven and three. I wouldn't have said three. I'm hiding eight pounds. Bubba.

Yeah. Look, stop it. I know. I'm worried about you. I'm worried about you. Here's the thing about you. I got a change. Here's the thing is, I've been thin. I'm not worried. I'm worried. Here's the thing about you. I got a change your fuck here's the thing is I I've been thin

More than I've been fat my life. Yeah as far as this fat. I've only been this fat twice. Okay, this big You know what I mean? Yeah, but you know, I mean like you're a big motherfucker. Yeah, how long you been big? Seven and a half but not that felt like I got fat. You're a 300 at seven. No, I was just 50. You could hear your mother's pussy walking in the way after. Mom's home. It was high after high school. She was feeding a horse after high school. Yes. First year of college. Started to get fat. Yeah.

I mean, but I'm gonna pull up a picture of when I was skinny and it's gonna make everyone really sad. Why? Cause I like the hurt. No, apparently you don't take another sip. I've been skinnier longer than I've been fat. And what you just said. Yeah, but you've been fat.

You were fat when I met you. The fuck are you doing? You've been fatter than me for as long as I've been fat. You were fat, you were fat when I met you. Who you doing you're been a fatter than me for as long as I you a fat you a fat I'm a you listen I like a fat off I'm a

fat wait a minute you been let me say he's a strange I've been big open up he just slams you what are you talking about you

been fat you've been I was I was 20, I was 23. I was scared of walking the door. I was fat. Listen, listen, listen to me. Listen to me. Listen, your head, listen.

Listen, listen, listen to me. Your head has been fat or, I have a big head. Your head has been fat or, then my head longer. I'm gonna show you a picture of what I met my wife. Tell me if you were ever this skinny Dude, you know I was that you know skin airways. Oh shit, but yeah, that's serious. Yeah, listen. Oh fuck off I was better than that I was better than that. I actually absolutely worth see a picture of you. Let's see a picture of you this

I'm gonna I'm gonna show you right now I'm sure you think I'm this is one of those pictures you take down Because I don't want to. This is, I keep this up. This is my inspiration. This is my inspiration. If I remember right away, I'm a fucking dude, he's gonna look like this. Fitspo.

God, my, my tit meat didn't fall off to the side. I'm a fucking dude. Yeah, dude. That's you. Yeah, go fuck yourself. How's that? How's that? Sexy lifeguard Bobby.

Oh, Bobby. Lifeguard Bobby. Hold on, hold on! Oh my god, hold on. I'm gonna send you my picture. You take those two and put them side by side. We'll have people vote on it. Yeah, you gotta do it.

Yeah, let's fucking do it. That shades Kelly right there. Shades Kelly. I told you, that's my- That was when you were the camp, right? When I used to fucking, when I was a lifeguard, I used to go- Can you take a look at that? Let me see, let me see. Can you, you know what I mean? Can we do a three- Yeah, when I used to fucking when I was a lifeguard I used to go

You know Three way vote please Triathlon you ever ran a triathlon in your life in the sand Tim Dylan literally brought up a picture of him as a baby Life I would have said listen to what's in life when I was a second you have to explain the joke. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, No, no, no, no, no, no. I was probably 190 pounds. But you weren't in shape. No, no, no, no, no, no. When I first moved here, when you knew me, the photo down at the cellar downstairs. You were in shape.

I was in shape. Were you lifting weights? Yes, I was going to the gym, I was playing hockey, roll hockey outside. I was fucking football in the park. I was, yeah, all that shit. What? What do you mean? Roller hockey, roll. I'm out of, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Football in the park I was yeah, well all that shit Oh Hold on a second we want that Bobby, okay?

Why are you talking like that? Why are you squeaking? I'm just imagining Bobby Bobby pulling up with his hockey stick like come on Fine, be close. You guys tell me if you can imagine Bobby skating the central park Me and Billy Burr used to play all the time Just him Billy right now me and Billy Burr used to play fucking I'm in the middle of the billy right now. I'm gonna go for the billy right now. I'm gonna go for the billy right now.

I'm gonna go for the billy right now. I'm gonna go for the billy right now. I'm gonna go for the billy right now. I'm gonna go for the billy right now. I'm gonna go for the billy right now. I'm gonna go for the billy right now. I'm gonna go for the billy right now. I'm gonna go for the billy right now.

I'm gonna go for the billy right now. I'm gonna go for the billy right now. I'm gonna go for the billy right now. I'm gonna go for the billy right now. I'm gonna go for the billy right now. I'm gonna go for the billy right now. I'm gonna go for the billy right now. I'm gonna go for the billy right now.

I'm gonna go for the billy right now. I'm gonna go for the billy right now. I'm gonna go for the billy right now. I'm gonna go for the billy right now. I'm gonna go for the billy right now. I'm gonna go for the billy right now. I'm gonna go for the billy right now. I'm gonna go for the billy right now. I'm gonna go for the billy right now. I'm gonna go for the billy right now. the ice skating rinks in center park. And we play, we play a roll hockey every day. We play roll hockey and we play football in the park. All the comics, all the comics used to play football.

That's good. You never, you never play. We play basketball at night after our sets. We go to the projects. Wait, what a meat dude. Meat, Patrice, Keith, little kev, Kevin Hart. Right, what year? This isn't like this 2000. Before that, 2000, 20, 90, eight. When did Right, what year? This isn't like, this is 2000.

What is 2000? Before that, 2000, 20, 90 years. When did you start gaining weight? What'd you say? I've, this is my six time being fat in my life. I've been, I was fat, I was fat and six grade. It's amazing that you have six times so you can isolate and go.

This is, no, no, no, I know, I agree with that because I, this is my fourth time being fat. Right. Yeah, yeah. If you're, being fat. Right, yeah, yeah. If you're, any fat person has, you, I mean, some, you get bigger. When you lose weight, you then get, and up getting bigger the next time.

Yeah, the next time is always the fucking thing. You know, no, you tolerance, like drugs, you go back, and you know, no, no. And that's why people from drugs die, because they don't know the fucking tolerance. Well, that's why a lot of these people just go back and they're fucking wiped out. Right. And that's why food sucks.

Side by side people. That's why food sucks because you could go, you go back and just eat your face off. You can't just die. And you rationalize. But you can't immediately die off of, I can't go to Dim Sum and OD. Are you in the mood for Dim Sum? Why do you keep bringing on Dim Sum and OD. You might, I can do something. Are you in the mood for Dim Sum? Why do you bring him to Dim Sum? I know what I can wear.

I'm gonna jump my waist. That's what I'm gonna do. That's your easier Dim Sum. I'm not even close. Hey, I do dumplings. I'll drink a little. I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, to do a podcast where people fall off the wagon with me. Yeah, that's a great idea. It's like a relapse. Wow. Yeah, that sounds like a fucking I mean, it's called one time with Bert.

Yeah. One time with Bert. Bert literally takes out the whole industry. You see like Gomez defending it being like, not, it's a great idea. It's a good concept. You know, some people have died. But you know what?

Bert, such a likable guy, I bet you'd travel China would buy it. Yeah. Well, time with Bertie, like the word, eh? Hey, dude, I'm Bert Krascher, and I'm gonna get you off the wagon. Woo! Woo-hoo-hoo! He's likable, so it's okay.

Hey, what's up, and how long you been doing heroin? Well, let's go, fucking it. One more time. I've had a lot of people's, people's off all the wagon moments. I have a lot of them, yeah. Well, you can get, you can, you can, toly, I'm, you can get me off the wagon moments. I have a lot of them. Yeah. Well, you can get, you can, you can totally, I'm, you can get me off the wagon on food really easy.

Sex is very close, especially with this fucking blonde over here. I'm, I'm, here's my problem is if I stop drinking, I lose 40 pounds in a month easy. Wow. 40? Easy. Yeah, because you have a lot of time. Fucking kidney and liver, fucking swell.

I'm just, not even joking joke around everything my body starts going Yeah, okay, I'm jealous and so and my problem isn't necessarily with food per se In that when I stop drinking I start getting a little more controlling about my life And I start really getting like I'm gonna do crossfit. I'm gonna work out physically though Listen physically when you stop drinking having that booze in your system, fucking swells you up. Yeah, oh, so that too, but you stop drinking. Any guy that I've ever met

was stopped drinking physically looks amazing in around a month or two. And I'll see you in the next one time. You know, you just have like time to get, you know, go to bed, wake up earlier, you know, you're already on that schedule to do that shit. But it's so fun.

Here's the thing, like for you to stop drinking would be, it would, you change your whole brand. It's not a brand. Well, I mean, but you as that guy, if you're at a party, I know you're gonna be drinking and you make me laugh and it sucks that I love that you can drink and be fun. But if you like to, I gotta stop drinking. It would be fun. But if you like to do it, I gotta stop drinking. Oh, it would be fun.

I had to stop drinking. You're right. I'll never stop drinking. I've already made that decision in my life. You're never. Never, ever, even if your kid went, dad, what's your kid's name? I don't know.

What, hey, I'm not, it's cool. It's not, bro. Say, Mary. Say, I'm Mary. Hey, dad. Hey, Mary. I miss you so much. Oh, I miss you too Mary. Hey Dad, yeah, can you do me a favor anything you want Mary?

Can you stop drinking not that Mary? I promised myself a long time ago I'd keep this in check so that I can join a Margarita sunset in Bermuda one time. Yeah, but I like to have, I like those, I like the significance of a cocktail doing something cool. But the problem, the problem me also is that when I stop drinking, I really don't want to drink.

It takes me a lot to get start drinking. Maybe we can handle just a drink during like a sunset in Margarita. Maybe somebody gave me a margarita because I have fun having years too, but you know, he makes it sound great. Bert, listen, Bert makes anything sound great. That's as we wore a fucking skirt, and I was like, I wanna skirt.

I'm a furthest thing from wearing a skirt. So I just thought about that. I'm like, he's right, the sunset. I'm not kidding, wouldn't you drink? Yeah, I'm not kidding. I went and looked at skirts after a skirt So you got a new merch idea. Yeah, I you should start doing

first skirt skirt skirt on you show party skirts skirt Party skirts for men. I like party skirts for men right? It's good. It's season and you can have you can have a little you can have a little thing that can actually wrap around your hog So you cover your hog a little from the guy who brought you van wild From the machine from the machine Your bird skirts. I like this a lot skirt. I love it. I'd wear one If we had a party, I'd do a fucking Bert's skirt party.

Yeah, and look at Chubby's. You ever see that in the short short? Yeah, you're looking at three of them right now. Yeah, I'm sorry, four. I can't. I can't. Fucking Chubby on the couch. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I look at man, I think if I had to, I have to stop though. I can't. What are you eating for breakfast? But today? Yeah, I had eight. Okay, today I had to I have to stop though. I can't yeah, what are you eating for breakfast? But today? Yeah, I had a okay today. I had a Juice like blueberries Bobby Bobby not what juice you don't

But today come on what you mean what I what I what you wait yesterday and for the last decade like that Yes today and for the last decade like that Well, you can be consistent last You don't have to be but I'm just saying What I would have okay when I'm on the road this is where it goes my wife cooks great healthy one But when I'm home I will fucking order okay like I ordered Baggle with cream cheese and locks right? yeah okay wait but then I ordered don't look at them for the support on this order you just look at them like yeah right?

guys no that's not that's not my lp breakfast super happy yeah it's fine burn temp really look at you like yeah of course yeah that's a sample breakfast

that's a fucking treat that's not a sensible breakfast burn like this that's good yeah that's good. Yeah, I believed you I actually got excited Everyone gave you support know the wrong After the big old then we said there's more okay, but I ordered a muffin because sometimes you want a little sweet after I want to say something butter in Yeah. Can I tell you, I want to say something.

Put butter in there. Of course. Let's do it if I had a phone. By the way, I can't believe you asked that. Yeah. That's like being in the showers going in prison going, they really fuck us in the butts. Yeah.

Yeah. Keep it on the DL. Butter on every muffin. Come on. Butter on pop tarts. I, where I got that from is I talked, you know, I talked to Colin like all the time. And we usually talk in the morning

and he's always getting a couple. His thing is muffins. Well, you know what I mean? So we get a muffin and blah, blah. So in my head, because Colin is in that fat in my head, I was like, oh, blueberry muffins. You know, we're not them. Oh, I know that.

That's what I'm saying. Well, Colin's a fatty too. No, but Colin. No, kid yourself. Let me tell you this, I'll never forget That's what I'm saying. Well, Colin's a fatty too. No, but Colin, okay, just, let me tell you something. I'll never forget. I saw Colin Quinn at a knacket convention. The main one, 3000 students.

Louis Black just went up and annihilated. Colin goes up. This is what he was fat. If you want to see Colin Chubby, what's that show? He was the Larry Sanders show. Is that it? That was just what I was saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah just got pulled up right now.

You'll see him. He came on and he had his purple fat suit on. And he was a big. I remember there was Trinitrons on the side. And I remember a joke bomb and he turned to the side and his neck folded. Yeah, I was like a bull. Um, but he's a. Oh my God.

That one picture. Holy shit. I don't know. That's him. That's him. Yeah, but he's a, oh my god. That one picture, holy shit. Holy shit, it went on that stern. That's not damn bad. That's him. Yeah, but he's a chubby like us. Yeah, but he actually got it under control. He figured it out though. He figured out his thing.

Yeah, it's gotta be your thing. You look better. Yes, see, I was better than that. He's in breakfast, the meal, and Jared, I'm gonna defer to Jared here. But he's in breakfast, because this is what I was saying. Breakfast is the meal where you kinda go all out and then like, your lunch and dinner are reasonable

but you have the most time to go off. But I'm the same way as Bobby. If I have the bagel, now I'm like, maybe I'll have a muffin too. You know, you get down, it's a slippery slope. I talked to my therapist today, like I said, I was crying in the car before I got sidetracked but he birthed fucking CSI of my panting, fucking cuck's anger. And just raise your hand.

I just did that. I don't see it. Dun dun dun. My shoulder harness was longer than my waist harness. I think you're scazed by it on that one. My shoulder. I was fucking, I was literally in the fight. I was just, I don't know, it's so hard, man.

It's hard. And nobody fucking takes it serious. It's such a fucking hard thing to do. But I'm done. I'm fucking done. The truth, the truth of weight loss is, and I don't do this, but this is the truth. If you track every single calorie you put into your mouth

and then track every single calorie you burn, you can find out if you're gonna lose weight. That sounds fun. No, but you said that to me one time. That sounds fun. You fucking said that to me. Don't point at me ever. We were at it.

We were at it. We were at it. I said, God damn it, you look fantastic, Bobby. What did you do? And you went, I burned more calories than I ate burn. What did you do? And I was like, I was like, I just lost weight answer why don't I know he's giving me fucking girl friend boyfriend voice I hate more fucking

Oh fuck yourself why can I have a with friends laughs than I burn you look more fucking why can I have fucking why can't you be my friend and give me a cool voice Hey bro I Why can't you be my friend and give me a cool voice hey bro? I agree I'm not we're not doing nothing let's do a percentage percentage weight loss for some big bucks Whoa Because what kind of muffin did you get? Blueberry they had a pumpkin. If I ever took you with me on tour, we'd die.

Like when you said you can't like drugs, you can't eat yourself with the death that would change. It would be bad. One of us would fuck you. One of us would just, it would be bad. Like me and Stavros on the road is bad. But at least he, I literally gave him food control. Yeah.

You gave him? Yeah, that's how bad it got. He has food control because we would go to eat and where I fuck up is I order appetizers. Oh Hold on appetizers. Yeah, let me I'll tell you where I fuck up appetizers and then two entrees I like the sample. Yeah, if there's a risotto, that's an appetizer to me You were going out to eat I go get us your two out to eat. I go, get us your two, this, I'll do this right away.

Get us your two best appetizers and your three best dishes immediately. I would do this. I go, first of all, watch this givers the combo plate over here. And put the risotto, put that on the side too. Let's get some type of shrimp, some type of healthy shrimp, oysters or something like that.

And let's get get you get a steak I'll get the fucking pork chop split them up. We split them up. Have you had starving right now? Yeah I haven't eaten all day. All I had was a jump a lion that piece of pizza Most people have don't even feel like days. They have to live a piece of peace. There's people in Africa that have to climb a tree and kill bumblebees and fucking suck honey off their fists. All I had was a full creole, yeah, meal.

Yeah, talking about. I had a whole jumble liar and pizza. What the fuck is happening? I had two different ethnicities. Listen, I can't do this. I have to do what I'm going to do. Yeah. I can't feel in the morning. I can't do this. I have to do what I'm gonna do. Yeah, you got I can't do Jared said it's all about oatmeal. It's all about oatmeal. What it's all look at a horse

Jacked their fucking I've seen fat horses dude. You've never seen a fat horse. I've seen fat I've never seen a fat horse. I've never seen a fat horse I've never seen a fat horse. I've never seen a high-up horse. I'm a fat horse. I'm a fat horse. That's the only fat dude. I can lie right away. Standing on your feet all day long and just going,

well, what am I gonna do next? You'd glue me. Right. And shitting wherever you want. If I could shit wherever I want, I'd lose weight. But when you wake up, you can get it in you. Then you're fooled. It's a base.

These aren't real. No, those are real. That's a disease. That's a disease. That's a disease. Listen, here's what you do. Here's what you do. Here's what you do. This disease is called dim sum.

That's not an overweight horse. That's a muscular horse. That's called the bagel with rocks and a muffin with butter. All right, listen. This is what you got to do. You got to wake up out of bed. Oh my god. Have a trophy and get on your elliptical.

Get on to do... Where is this elliptical? I don't know. You got to get one. Oh, I got to buy one. Yeah, yeah Now if I'm in a hotel and I'm on the road, where do I go? I do body squats? Oh, me oh body squats. Yeah, what the fuck is your old meal? Jarring? I'm dead. There's an oatmeal the wrong way. You're all about I'm all about kittosis son I'm just telling you

You have the same I was me with a rain sugar in it. No, when it rains at pours, when I taste one thing, I go to the next ethnicity. When I'm going from, I'm going, if I have a pizza, I'm like, let's get Chinese. And I, and I agree with you. So oatmeal is not like a tasty thing. It's if I have lunch, hang on.

If I have oatmeal, I go to toast. If I get toast, I'm not asking, I'm not asking. What about a Greek yogurt? What about a five-year yogurt? Tell me, please. Listen to me, yogurt. This is why it's bad for me,

and I'll tell you why, because I've done this before. When I quit all that carbs shit, okay? When I quit it all, and I'm like, right now it's been two days since I had sugar or carbs, and I've been eating fruits and vegetables and protein all that shit. I can feel it like the ditties.

I cried in the fucking alley today, so there was a street, and it was in my fucking four-edged sport. But I, hop in the line. Sorry, sorry, no, that was a little, there was an old little black lady sweeping leaves, and I remember she, there was the saddest thing I've ever seen. She was sweeping leaves out of her gutter,

and she looked up at me and tilted her head and then went just went back to sweeping leaves. And you were like, oh, suck your dick for a backpack. Let's go around the table and come up with brand new weight loss plans that no one's thought of. Like right now my weight loss plan is a three-part program. It's hot sauce, coffee and tight jeans. Okay, what?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, I wanna go through this. Okay, why hot sauce? What does that do? Diary, it gets three body. Okay, what is the coffee, right? Coffee gives me energy to do things like workout. Okay, now, what about the hot, the tight jeans? Well, I'm gonna show you.

These jeans are so tight, they're leaving intentions. It's a reminder, tattoo. It's like, hey, that boy. It's like a dick friend. It's like the girlfriend that won't let her or her friend be a whore. Hey, excuse me. We need to get the fuck outta here.

Bear, can I tell you something? First of all, love hot sauce. Second of all, drink coffee all night. Go right to sleep, does nothing to me. Third of all, I fucking had that belt thing for around three years now. I have no feeling there. So you could stab me, you could come dead.

You could cut my fucking stomach open, nothing happens, okay? I have a dead underbelly. Are you wearing jeans right now? I am, and a belt, I don't feel it. Really? Yeah, so, you get a fucking plain seat belt and put it on under my fat guy.

You didn't sit under yet? Huh? No, I learned a trick, I wanna hear my trick. on under my fat guy. You didn't send her yet? Huh? No, I learned a trick. I wanna hear my trick. So a fat guy trick. Okay, you gotta take the belt, pull it under the stomach. Use your stomach as a third hand to hold the belt. And then you use the other two hands to click the belt.

Yeah, everybody knows that. Yeah, well, not everybody. Everybody knows that. Everybody knows that. First look at everybody like I just fucking explain the bell. Yeah, everybody knows. Yeah. Well, not drink a fucking bathtub. I have to stand in the shower like I did Jarrin leader thing right about that if you stay hydrated Yeah, it's very good. There's a lot of times you think you're hungry when you're actually thirsty. Okay, just one water Here's my plan. I'm gonna

Here's my potatoes and soda. Here's my plan. Ready? It was what I'm gonna do? Yeah. I'm not gonna fuck any carbs. Good. For a month. Dude, it's for a month. Well, I'm not gonna eat sugars for a month. And then a month, when I clean my cysts, hang it. Let me finish. Okay.

When I clean my system out, I'm gonna slowly back introduce, like, oatmeal, brown rice. Muffins. No muffins. Yeah. I'm done. I'm done with K-I-I cream. I've done with ice cream. That's the truth The truth is you we can never have ice cream codes. That's it. Listen. I can never get my asshole eaten out again by a hot chick It's just over. That's horrifying. But no one to hold on but you it is now But it's not back in the night. That's horrifying to never have it again. Oh, yeah

Money I enjoy anymore. Well, I can't write a check. Hang on, I listen. If I could. I'm not doing it. I can't. But how come we can write off the fact that I go,

I just won't ever get a blow job in an alley from a check that I just met at a bar. That happened last night. And then. But I, but I was very, those are very vivid description of something that. But like, but like key line pot pie, I can't say no to.

Yeah, but you can. You can. It's the same thing. That's what I'm saying is that I'm done. I'm done. I had my fill. I'm done. I've had my yellow cakes.

I've had my ice cream. I've had my fucking is unhealthy though. Why? What I'm saying is it's not tenable. You can't keep that up to go. Oh, you never use a word like that again. Oh, sorry. We don't use big words.

We don't use big words. We're like, it's tenable. You can't keep it up. You can't, you know, it's just. It's happened to Spanish, too, Tienes. Yes. You said form. Jared is a good point.

If you deprived yourself completely, it's not good. It's just not good. I went back to oatmeal literally a month ago All me all every quick erotes you can get it at your local supermarket Third is on fire You can't it's it's a slow process. It's not all right. Don't you both This is slow process. It's not. All right.

Don't do both. Just try to help you, man. I'm not streaming at me then. Sorry. Let's hit it. Try to help. I'm sorry. I understand what breakfast every morning.

Yeah. You'd be a better, you'd be way different. I do. I'll tell you what I have to say. You're a bagel and locks. No, shut your face. I'll tell you what I have for the last two days. I had a fucking, I woke up, had a smoothie.

Yeah. And then I had eggs with broccoli and a one piece of cheese. What about a probiotic? I fucking love this kid so much. He's the one of the funniest kids ever and it's too bad That's Rattle snakes in good shape. He's losing weight. It's funny. Bring him up. I beat him in a physical contest last night. I know you do. What was it?

Not even a few. You got it. The first of all, we did buys and I destroyed him there. You guys fucked guys who fucked guys and women. We did buys. I like to throw in. I like to throw in a workout when I've been drinking in the middle of the war. You guys fucked him out.

Oh, great. And then we said who could hold a 30 pound weight at like with a fort with a front row raise. Yeah. The longest. Yeah, and I beat him. I love these things to use. Other Ralph's house Ralph has weights. Yeah, that's got it's a guy's apartment. There's a guy there.

Imagine what you get literally what the fuck is this? You can literally have a dustbuster competition. I got there and he was like I go. Who can vacuum in the apartment quicker? On gas digital next week Ralph comes in. I got there and he was like, I go, uh, Who can vacuum the apartment quicker? Yeah. Yeah. On gas digital next week. Ralph comes in. I got an idea. We have a keyspaking trucking competition

on the home. Who can organize the fridge first? Yeah. Who can make an unmake the pull-out sofa that Ralph sleeps on when the podcast is going too late? Oh, man. We're growing. You're growing. Oh.

All right, Lizard. I got to fucking do a read real quick. Part one to do the read for me. I'm not going to dislikes it. Really? That's even better. I'll do it. You don't want to do it?

Sure, give it to me. Sure. Why I don't advertise on my podcast. Why? Let me hear you. I'm dyslexic, too. Feel free to incorporate any relevant foot. Oh, OK.

No. You don't read the fucking instructions you fucking what the is that i read scripts bobby turns head batman where are you he he looks up into the sky advertiser draftings calm paid three thousand dollars for sixty second read. Give me the fuck a dick. Give me the fuck a dick. Give me the fuck a dick. Give me the fuck a dick.

Give me the fuck a dick. Give me the fuck a dick. Give me the fuck a dick. Give me the fuck a dick. Give me the fuck a dick. Give me the fuck a dick. Give me the fuck a dick. Give me the fuck a dick.

Give me the fuck a dick. Give me the fuck a dick. Give me the fuck a dick. Give me the fuck a dick. Give me the fuck a dick. Give me the fuck a dick. Give me the fuck a dick. Give me the fuck a dick. Give me the fuck a dick. Give me the fuck a dick. Okay, attention fantasy football league commissioners attention fantasy football league commissioners. It's time to Restore is underlined Restore the position of commissioner for his former glory. What?

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That's Kelly, K-E-L-L-Y to play for free at draftkings.com, draftkings.com, eligibility restrictions may apply, see website, for details. Thank you, buddy. That was really mediocre. Can we go to the site? They listened, though. That's all you care about about it. I literally fell asleep during my own ad.

I was literally like, I didn't even know. I didn't know. You say we're, let's go. Yeah, we're gonna go to the chat room real quick. What's your name? I'm gonna ask, right now, chat room, are you guys, have anything you wanna ask, bird, anybody, Tim, or anybody in the fucking chat,

or Jared, everybody, you can chime in, ask us some questions. Do you have anything, or is it? Yeah, we got a couple of minutes. From 20 minutes ago. No, we got some relevant stuff, I think. All right, buddy. So buddy, see, buddy has a diet tip for everyone here. He says, uh, everyone should do the hot girl diet, which is leave a shrimp out overnight and then consume it. That's, uh, yeah, I think there's a trigger does that joke. Yeah. And here's this. I've done it, and it has, it doesn't even affect my stomach. Yeah, I'll eat a shrimp You leave out two nights. Yeah, it doesn't matter. What is it supposed to do? You you you get food poisoning and you throw up

Yeah, I ate with Matt's Gourness checked the other night. Yeah, and they both got food poisoning and I didn't really Yeah, and we had the exact same thing. Yeah, I think I really believe that I've built up a tolerance I could literally go to any thirdable country and eat meat off the street. Oh, I've been to every thirdable country doing it, and I think that's where I got my tolerance. Yeah, you did, you have a travel trip. Oh my god, yeah.

What else you got? We had Louis J. Gomez in the chat room earlier. Oh god, damn it. He's got a fucking piece of cake over here. I bet was he promoting? He did a little bit of that, yeah. What was he promoting? What do you think?

I love that you didn't promote it. Good for you, D-Poo. Who the fuck, who is? What was he promoting? What do you think? I love that you didn't promote it. Good for you, D-Poo. Who the fuck, who is? How does he have six podcasts and still go into other people's podcast chat rooms to promote? It's almost like doing the show. He's a real ass promoter.

You know, you're an asshole. You're a fucking asshole. You know what, kidding. You're an asshole. I got. He says, if Bobby lives till 60 60 I'll blow everyone in this chat room But here's the thing with that. It's someone said this the other day on On I think it was Monday. Tell me how many fat six year old 80 year old you see

Very says that all the time. Oh my dad. I want you dad. He's 70 something. He's fat. He goes. He goes you know, uh, he boys 220 My six foot six was he's like, yeah, you don't see fat old people, but you just don't see him But then his doctor said he said listen I don't want you losing too much weight because if you do get sick this weight will help you survive So it's like who said that his doctor. It's a very interesting. You never I wish I never heard that. That's a thing. Yeah, if you get cancer, man, that you'll bounce back super easy. Bobby, if we had cancer, we would not even be affected. You wouldn't have to go to chemo. Look at Ralphie. He's never even had it. Yeah. Ralphie needs some cancer. I'm worried about Ralphie.

I love Ralphie. I'm worried about fucking, no, we're serious. I'm worried about, I'm worried about, I'm worried about anybody. I'm worried about, it's like killing the subject. I'm worried about this girl. I just wish she would pull out one breast, like secretly while everybody was looking this way. Yeah, did I say is this coming out? I'm sorry. I thought she was doing it for a second now My heart sank. Why why you would just want to see one. Oh, I'll see one you have two

There's no way we have a lot right now, right just for fat guys Just for fat guys trouble. I could we turn the cameras off off one second on tray order just put it on our faces Just put it on my face. What do you get? Yeah? We let's see how good of whackers are yeah, let's go do the first one Yeah, you count three and we'll pretend to lose it. Let's see who's the best actor. All right ready one One two three Mike okay one two three And now you do it for real and then we'll see what the difference yeah. Yeah, we're gonna try to act like you didn't pull it out

So nobody will know yeah, one two three go No, we're gonna do she's gonna pretend to do it and then it's really do it and you can't see which one we did Okay, so you guys in the chat room have to figure out if it was the first time or the second time ready? We have to figure out if it was the first time or the second time ready Was to his bird stop doing the eyebrows the muppet eyebrows. I don't know we're pretending or not pretending. We're trying to pretend Let's go move on. I was showing with you with each other's dicks He was fucking a hundred pounds before I went my dick out again. I Tell you my dick. I got my dick to full strength over the weekend.

Good for you. Congratulations. And thanks. And it was a dunk to him foe, Twig. Yeah. It's a boiling pot of foe. I hope I do die at 60. And don't let Lewis,

don't let Lewis come to the fucking wake, all the funeral. I'm gonna fucking ban Yeah, but he wants the headline your funeral. That's what he wants He come to my feet. I put a sticker on my cast He put a fucking Put a legion skank they read on my cast body was real as dude Yeah, I want to put this on his casket. Take a photo, Instagram it, filter, filter, filter.

Oh, that's hilarious. Clock sucker. What else you got? We have a question for Bert. It cool, Swit says, ask Bert, how was the shit he had to take after doing the hot ones show? It was aggressive. It was very aggressive.

That's not sure we have to eat hot wings, right? Yeah, you eat 10 progressively hot wings. They get hotter and hotter and hotter. And every day, I ask you questions about your career as you do it. And you kind of melt down and it becomes like a truth serum Yeah, like one point is like has you have you ever gotten to a podcast? Have you ever gotten into trouble with podcasting? And I was like yeah, and it was so hot and I was just like I talked shit about TJ Miller one time

And he's like what I was like I talked shit about crystal clear. Oh fuck man. I don't know But oh my god, what was that? I breathed in saliva. The shit I took, I thought, so I booked my flight to Phoenix the very next day thinking, I'll definitely, I can't get on a plane that night, I'll have diarrhea and it'll be hot bad. And it did not kick in until that morning in the shower, I shit in the shower. What?

I shit in the shower. What kind of shower? You have to, you can shittin' it? It's not a shitt shower, it's what I turn it into. It's not a horse doll. Yeah, and then in line at security, I was like, I'm shittin' my pants right now. You shittin', wait a minute, stop, stop, listen to me.

You're in the hotel. No, no, no, no, I'm in LA. You're in LA house. At your house, you shittin' the shower. You shittin' the shower. Did you have to use your toe to mush it down the drain? How did you get it down the drain? It's watery because it's hotter swing, you've ever had to use. So you said water, shit in the shower. You shit in the shower. Did you have to use your toe to mush it down the drain? How did you get it down the drain? It's watery, cuz it's hot air swing.

You've ever had to leave. So you said water shit come outta here. That's a great place. And then you're in line security. And I am like, I'm shitting my pants right now. And I was like, I have to go through. I literally, I was like, busting. I was like, I gotta jump in front of you.

I'm about to go to the bathroom. And everyone just let me through. And it was, it's the worst. Those stomach pains you get when you eat hot stuff, I get are so just unlivable. It's the reason I don't go super hot with food. I actually, I love, I've developed this crazy hot thing now. Let's get you one hot once.

It's good for losing weight. All that, all the hot food is true. I like it. That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the life. Jared, you know what's true. That's the life, the blind leaving's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why you're laughing. Jared, you know, it's true.

The blind leaving the blind. No, Jared, let's do Jared. No, let this happen. Let this go. Jared, you know that hot food, I forget the fucking foods that are higher on this COVID-19. There's something about hot peppers and a good for belly fat, particularly.

I'm, I'm sure it is. Okay. Speed your metabolism. Yeah, there we go. That coffee and tygians, I've already said this guys. This is subjects I'm sure it is. Speed your metabolism. Yeah, there we go. That coffee and tygians, I've already said this guys. This is subjects I'm covered. Yeah, it's a good show you should do it. I would love to do it.

I love hot food. And I like it. First of all, I love that it goes up in my sinuses and I have such bad sinuses and it cleans out my, just makes me my bugery nose. It is euphoric and then in like a drug sense. Like you literally go to a new place and you're like, like you can't think about anything other than that thing.

It's the same thing with pain. Like you've ever been rolved. I'm sorry, stop. What did you say? You've ever been rolved. I don't know what that means. It is the most intense form of massage that's out there. What's it called?

A rolved. Rolved. Did they fuck you? Dude. Pretty much. Really? They take a knuckle and they break up your fascia I told you about this for plan of fasciitis. I think we talked about this. I don't I don't remember. I'm sorry I see the athletes do that. Yeah, what is it? Rolfing ROLF

Why does it sound like some dirty sex things in the 80s and they get in they use their knuckle and they get into places where There was one place in my underarm that he got in my underarm and he's like this is gonna hurt you're gonna feel a white shooting pain go to the light and I was like you can yell you yeldering it if you type in any video of anyone getting robbed it is them going I love that you instinctually pointed the Hindu guy to fucking do technical stuff it's the blonde dummy over there with the headphones. Umburna. Now this, you're blonde, not you, sweetie. Oh, I saw him in front of a computer.

Well, I video saved me getting roughed and it was fucking a great thing. It was bad. I don't know where it is. I was not on the line. It's somewhere. I need a fucking massage like that. I take that.

And they, if you're fact, does it even work? I got one. Is it extra? And they use a machine to roll through? Do you have any of your feet or legs? Wait a minute. Feet in your legs? It is a good question though.

Like you're, yeah, you're, you know, a bigger guy. Come here. What are you gonna do? Tell me if I can get to your muscle. Oh God. Like a Bible leg. Ah! Come on, seriously. No, straight up. Who's there? Straight up. What are you gonna do tell me if I can get to your muscle? Oh god Come on What do we fucking wrapping?

Yo, yo, yeah, you can get to the muscle you got right here immediately and they do stuff like they get in here Yeah, what's that like in inside? Places where you you hold tension and they break it Don't do it. You want to wrap together. I don't know need that. They don't let us do it. Let's go with it. They do want to Ralph get it. I don't know what that means. Oh, he's the Ralph and together. Ralph. He's got a boner. Yes, Ralph.

This is not Ralph. You've made it into a trashy version. It is Ralph. Ralph, man. And I'm telling you what I said this. Rogan was the one that told me to do it for my feaks. I had planted fasciitis. And he's like, I'd said to him, I'm thinking about getting

Ralph. He's like, do it. It really, what fascia is the thing that makes thing muscle sore. And when you get planted fasciitis and he's like, I'd said to him, I'm thinking about getting ralphs, he's like, do it. It really, what fascia is the thing that makes thing muscle sore. And when you get plantar fasciitis, it's the fascia that makes your feet sore. I mean, me and you both had it. We talked about it. And they ralph it, Bobby, you know how your feet hurt

in the morning when you wake up with plantar fasciitis? This is, imagine that times a hundred. They go in to all the places in your foot, you don't want them to touch, with a knuckle as hard as they can. And the places that is the most painful, they just go in and dig in and break it up.

But when does that go away? As soon as they're done. The pain, no pain. As soon as you're done. So there, I got up and he goes stand up. And I stood up on my feet barefoot on hardwood floors and he goes, I go, can't, he goes, jump up and down on your heels. I was like, I can't. And he goes stand up and I stood up on my feet barefoot on hardwood floors and he goes I go can't he goes jump up and down on your heels

I was like I can't he goes do it. I did it. I was like there's no fucking pain I walked from getting rulfed to the improv that night and I was like Fuck this is insane. It's amazing getting rulfed is insane I'm gonna rulfed it rulfed sounds like I'll do it to the have it in New York Oh 100 the best places get rulfs are in LA in New York. Yeah, sounds so dirty If I'm one of some weird thing there's got to be a video someone type in type in a Videos of raft who's got the most views in YouTube? What if somebody doesn't and you got to see but you have to see the pain that they endure because it is not

You gotta go to somebody knows what they're doing Right. No, okay. What what else you chat? I almost think it's just whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What else you got? We got a question for Bert. Bert, do you have you found a thong sponsor for yourself? I got, what is this thong, sir? I got it, I got it, I just was, I talked to Ronnie B about this today.

I was going through depression because I don't have the, I don't have the culture of personality that these big comics do. What do you mean? You know what I mean? Like the guys we all guys we all know that it seems like they're bigger than anything and they seem to promote the way they do as opposed to being whatever we do. You know where I like to stand up on like being in clubs.

I'd love to do theaters, but I don't have that guy that brain that's like ahead of my talents. Now I'm not saying that like, but do you think it, can I just say something? Yeah, do you think it's the brain of head of your talents or whatever it is? Or do you think it's just that person? And some people, I mean, I always wonder that too,

like why does this person have people that stick? Because you know, I'm sure you, I mean, people come up to you after every show, but you're the funniest fucking guy I've ever seen. Who said I said to all of us? I mean, after, I mean, you, that was the best show I've ever seen. And you're like, wow, that's great.

Why am I not selling out a theater? Why do I have to worry about Thursday show? Why do I have to worry about, why do I still want me to try to do a Sunday? What the fuck am I doing when you go up and you crush and you have such a great time? And then you see these other people that are just doing theaters and you're like, how the fuck,

how do you get there? Part of me wonders if it's the way we receive that compliment. We're like, I always go, hey, thank you very much. That means a lot to me. And I think, and I'll use Kevin Hart as an example, because he won't hear this. And I, and I love Kevin.

That was an insult to him and me. I know. But, and I love, and I, I love Kevin. But but like it was Kevin exclusively who I couldn't figure out like how he got, how he's so comfortable winning and believing he's gonna win.

Like and I just was like, I literally was fucked up about it and so I talked about it in therapy and I said to my therapist I was like, I don't get it man, I don't have that. I believe I'll lose ultimately. I believe very so gets canceled. I believe that ultimately people are gonna stop coming to your shows.

I may be selling out right now, but you were there this weekend. We did not sell because Kevin Hart was next door, and he sold 10,000 tickets, and I sold 100. And then I go, what is it? And then my therapist said, that's not who you are. You're just about the creativity. You don't worry about the salesmanship

or the promotion or the mogulness. You're about creativity and he goes, what do you want to do? And I just thought of this. I was like, I wanted to do this fucking speedo video. Like a fucking round with Ryan Lockty. He just got kicked off. And so I did this speedo video for Ryan saying,

pitching my spouse self to speedo, saying I'll wear speedos 24 hours a day for as long as I'm under contract. If you give me Ryan Lockty's money and he just went viral, I didn't expect it to. And did they? No. No.

No. No. No. No. A lot of radio silence. Hi. I had a good video. It was a good video.

It was a good video. Yeah. That was in the middle. It was like the thought of someone at Speedo being like, funny. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And move along. But I got approached by a company called Shynesty,

who, I know them. Yeah, yeah. It seemed like more fun than any other. Type A Shynesty, and type in their, this is a company that got a cease and desist from Speedo because they were calling their bathing suits Speedo's. You're kidding me. They were like, yeah, but that's what it is.

You gotta check out their suits. Their suits are fucking awesome. So they sent me a box of their suits. They really? No, no, no, just go to Shinesy.com and just type in swim brief, or you'll see their swim brief. Swim brief, yeah.

So are you gonna wear these on stage? Through the airport. In the winter. I was gonna do Sunday, on a Sunday show. I was gonna do them in the Sh. I was going to do Sunday on a Sunday show. I was going to do them in China's these. Every Sunday show. Everyone that wore them got in free. Anybody wore these gets in free.

That's a good idea. Look at that wolf one. Is that wolf one not bad? That is a good one. That is amazing. Yeah, I have those. I have them. I love the Dungaree ones.

I know, but your dick shows in them. Really, but my dick won't But so so I was gonna do a deal with them and then My dick show it's just got complicated now. I was like, you know what off promote your shit. Don't worry about money And I'm not gonna do shows, but that's probably what they going back to what we're talking about That's probably why you know, you know I don't worry about it Kevin Howard have been like yeah, I want fucking $25,000. Yeah, you know what though? Let me tell you something what I don't worry about it. Kevin Howard have been like, yeah, I want fucking $25,000. You know what though?

Let me tell you something. I don't have what Kevin and Amy have. We're like, who said ever mentioned Amy? Amy's like the same fucking thing. They've got this same fucking thing. We're like, like so, so a company was being joking. So my podcast is doing great. I'll say it again, I was kidding.

Because somebody acknowledged what the fuck I'm saying. So my podcast numbers are doing great. Better than ever. Yeah. That's not what I heard. Very high in the market. I'm kidding. And so I go, so Tommy Bons says,

let me hook you up with my podcasting agent. You could be making this much money. And I go, fuck yeah, I'm not leaving that on the table. So I reach out to them and I just, and she just, I don't know, it just took long took long and I go maybe my manager or agent should look at it I'll do this the right way let my lawyer look at the contract and then it's supposed to be low self esteem bird Who just goes I'll sign it whatever I'll sign it? I do the right thing that when it like Kevin Harder Amy Schumer We do and it takes too long she has cold feet. She's like never mind

I don't want to fuck with you and then I go fuck man I should have been low self esteem bird. I mean making 12 grand a week or whatever the fuck, you know? Why do you do that hand gesture? No, because it's like a chick that like is chasing a guy. Like, you know, like, I think like what you're saying is like, it's okay to say to, Is this being massage- Massage-Nistik?

No, but it's, I'm kidding. I think it's okay to set a standard and be like, you know, I mean, this is lower money. I, someone was like, what should I charge for a, a Thursday night show for in a bar to a buddy, and I was saying that the other day, and I was like, 500 bucks.

And he goes, what if they say, I go, no, that's the rate. Dude, I sat next to Amy one time. She was having dinner at our house. And she had a phone call from, I won't say the person. I won't say the money, but it was more money to feature for this person who I massively respect than I won't say the money, but it was it was more money to feature for this person who I massively respect Then I was making on the road. I'd say my second year of headlining Yeah, and it was to feature and she I just watched her go I'll pass

I don't go I'm not going on the road for that kind of money and I went I was like what the fuck like you know past I want to tell you that I'm gonna tell you the number so I don't give a fuck because I think it's it It was 1500 bucks to feature and I went and for like two shows and I went I looked and I was like you passed on that She was like yeah, I'm not going the fucking road for that. That's self-esteem. She has that confidence in herself that belief that Hey, there's more money out there. I don't need that short money. I just was like I remember witnessing that and sitting there going What the fuck is wrong with me that I'm doing the Toledo funny bone, six shows flying in daily for press for $15,000. But can I say something? Yeah. I think there was a thing on the internet

last week that Louis CK wrote about it. It's just you have to do the work. It's all about the work. If you're worried about what if you yeah, that's what my therapist said hang on read that I have fun. I was wrote that it said that to me goes for you. It's not about the negotiation the money It's about the work. It's about doing stand-up comedy. Is this not that know that it's not gonna be easy No, that's not gonna take a long time to be good or great Don't focus on the career climbing focus on getting funnier the second you are bitching about what another comic is getting you're going in the wrong direction so great that's just but I mean but he read it so it actually took all the own

bottom yeah actually I was trying not to read it out fucking mystery you read it like a 1980s actor in Benson literally made me hate the fucking road but why can't you do the work and say to yourself, okay, I'm not going to do it for that much. I don't think that's the quote. I think you can do the, I mean, I'm saying like if you stayed in LA, I think in spots and worked on the, you know, on the thing while you're saying, no, I know, I'm just saying what I'm saying, like this is what can I say something about that too, is that I have, I have one kid and a family and a mortgage. And sometimes, you know, you think back to when we were young,

hanging down the village with, you know, whatever rent it was, a thousand bucks for our apartment of 500 bucks or whatever, you could just do and whatever the fuck you wanted to do. Yeah. And now you do have, you have a responsibility to other people. And trust me when I say that I am not, I am not in this, I'm not in a group

that's not making money. I am making money. I just don't get, I don't get the transition from like, and I'll just, I'll give base numbers. I love that you're talking about money and you have a gold Rolex on. I don't If you gave that disco bow he could literally pay my rent for a year. Yeah, he's here

You can buy an apartment You put it down payment down down. That's a fucking gold Rolex But like I don't get the job It's fucking 25002,500. Just put it on, feel how heavy it is. Feel that. No, it's fucking massive. Go ahead. Go ahead, tell us about money, Bert.

How bad are you doing? No, I'm just talking about the confidence to believe you deserve private jets and stadiums. But do you think that they don't, okay, do you? I don't think Kevin Hart, I mean, I think you is appreciative of where he is, but I don't think he ever goes, oh man, I can't believe this. You know, like if I did a stadium, I'd be like, I do not believe I'm here.

This is fucking ridiculous. I don't think Kevin Hart ever, like, we shocked he's sold out the fucking stadiums, you know? I don't hold on once I get, I take this one. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it It's. Oh, you know, it's on forever. Oh, that's why he thought that could pay his rent. Yeah. Look at my watch. I have this thing. Oh, boy. Um, but you know, does that make I'm saying? I like you watch Dan's explosion. Yes. And like, and Dan, someone that I think always believed he deserved it. Oh, Dane. Dane has video of himself before comedy, doing comedy,

talking about being big. Yeah. Like he prepared mentally, spiritually for being as big as he was from an early day. But I mean, that goes into all this, you know, metaphysical shit, like saying things and the walls of lack and delay and now crumble away and all this stuff

and the game of life and a positive thinking. Some of it's not in your hands. I think that's your reality. I think some of it is not. I think some people believe that it is in your hands. I'm not shitting on Kevin Hart and I'm not shitting on Amy. They are my friends.

That I'm being serious when I say that I love Kevin. And you know that I've known Kevin for 17 years. I've known Amy probably for 12. Yeah, so. And I love them, but I'm saying, I don't think they believe that it's luck. I don't think it's luck. It's luck, it's luck.

I think there's a part of it that's luck. It's luck, it's luck. I think it's luck. It's luck. It's luck. It has nothing to do with hard work. Life has, but something. Go ahead Tim, I'm sorry. Life is all kinds of everything. So at the end of the day, they did the work, they had the preparation, an opportunity came,

and they just hit it out of the park. And like you said, it was interesting. I said that like, they never believed like, oh my god, I can't believe I'm here. Because I feel like if they had that thought, that's what that self-doubt comes just creeping back in. And then it can take you back down. That's where I live, it's self-doubt.

Like I do do, everything you say, I agree with, and I think that's almost what I identify as what a comic is. I said to Calhade, that's funny. I said to Calhade, I do that call and stick to work tour, sells out everywhere I go, everywhere I go. What is it? Call and stick to work, I go to radio, I drink at six in the morning till 10.

I then tell everyone to call and stick to work the whole time at the show. I go right to the club in the 11. Everyone calls and stick to work. And it's an event. It's the most successful thing I've ever done in this business. Right. But I did one in Tampa and I didn't call the clubs.

I don't know the numbers. All I know is that I haven't seen much of it online. No one's tweeting about it. No one's talking about it on Facebook. And I'm doing cow head show and I'm drinking and I get in the car with cow and I go, I will be shocked if anyone's there. And he literally looks at me,

he goes, are you fucking kidding me? He goes, I will give up my radio show if it's not sold out. And I go, dude, I promise you it won't be sold out. And he goes, I will promise you it's sold out. Walked in, it's sold out and I went, who saw that coming? That's the way I look at it. Kevin and and I use them as an example I love them I'm

not shitting on them but like I guarantee you they're like if I'm doing a show it's selling out and I guarantee they've been thinking that not all the shows sell out Amy had sold out every single show she's ever done for the past five years everywhere I don't think that's true I don't think that's true and I don't think that you look. I don't think that's true. And I don't think that to look, man, look, she sells great. Yeah. Of course she does. I mean, Louis sells great, Bill sells great, but they have shows where, you know, it does. And I think, I know what you're saying, but is is what I'm saying, is it a belief system? Is it a belief system? Or is it just hard work meets opportunities?

It's not, or is it just fucking blind luck? It's, part of me says, so like, so like, we all know Steve Hofstetter, right? Yes. The hardest working man in show business. That's one way to say it. Easily. He works harder than anyone human being.

Not famous. We know him, half the people listen to this, do you have no idea who he is? If hard work had to do with it, Steve Hofsteader would be the biggest comic working, no? That's not true, because can I say something? Yeah. What Amy has, what Kevin has, they're hilariously funny.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, now, okay. I have people tell me, oh my God, that was the best comedy show I've ever been to. And I'm like, wow, that's great. Thank you very much. That means a lot. And I'm in my head like, okay, if that's the best show, if I just annihilated, if I just fucking crushed, I was just in Tampa, I fucking crushed, standing ovation. Why the fuck am I? Yeah. Why the fuck am I not selling out a theater in Tampa?

Yeah. To me, it's like, I think Eddie Pepaton is one of the funniest people in the world. Yes. And I went to Caroline's and it was like, you know, he had people there, but it wasn't, like, I would think that you're in New York, you're in the middle of New York City. Like Eddie Pepaton should have, there should be so many people there, because I think he's one of the funniest people. I think if there was equity in just funny, that he would be, you know, so, but-

But there's something why don't they stick? I mean, look, I'm up on, I do too much fucking social media shit. Am I doing it? But then people are like, you're doing it the wrong time. Go fuck yourself. You're doing it, you gotta do, shut the fuck up. 6pm for Instagram. Listen, I gotta fuck, Kevin Hart will do a video with him as shirt off, and there'll be 80,000 views.

And can I tell you something also to promote Kevin in a sense? Is I watching his videos and I do get inspired? Well, that's what I'm saying, but rock. I go, I go, I go, God damn it man. He's like working hard. And then literally I go, he is up at the gym at 6am. Yeah, but is it time to, look at man, I heard Rogan say it one time,

and you said it to me from Rogan, be your own hero, right? Yeah. I mean, you look at a guy like Rogan and like I sit here and I go, I'm fat. And then I look at a guy like Rogan. I'm like, well, he goes to the gym. He does a lot of stuff to be what he is.

I look at Burr and I live with Burr and I remember when Burr came out. Was he as funny as he is now? Is he as fucking? No, he wasn't. Burr was funny always. Always funny, but not what he is today. But I remember, you know what I remember him doing? I remember, I remember this conversation at my apartment. Yep. On his computer, writing fucking jokes. Oh, I don't remember that conversation at my apartment. Yep on his computer writing fucking jokes Oh, I don't remember that because you weren't there. No, but you told me I remember when you told me you're like

We're all in LA and you're like yeah, bear me back to New York He's focusing on stand-up and I remember being like I remember like what he's like yeah Him and Patrice like what the fuck are they going through and I remember me and you going like yeah It's out here. We got to be actors. We got a book of sitcom and then they move back here. Well, when I live with, when I live with Burr, when I first moved to New York, I just remember him on his little fucking compact, writing jokes. You told me just writing fucking joke. And I'm on one day is I was sitting there watching TV.

I think I was, I was out late. I fucking got my Dicks. But I was on the shit and I was just killing the dutch. He's like, dude, you got a fucking do this and that. We sat down, we, he was like, dude, this joke and he was going through and I was like, yeah, yeah, I fucking move on. But I remember how hard he worked.

And I remember, even physically, he'd be like, yeah, I'm not eating shitty. I've ate shitty on the, and he would just, all this stuff and you look at, even look, even look at a guy like Colin. I mean, I mean, he disappeared for years to go rights like yeah, I'm not coming fucking no and would stay home and write and this painful fucking torture chamber He was living room and he would tell me how fucking painful it was and how torturous writing was now

He would just became a good writer. Do you think it's a detriment? Yeah. This is going to sound arrogant, and I don't mean it's sound arrogant. It's, but it's a compliment to you, but it's also a compliment to me. All right, we'll see. What if maybe we've got kind of fucked because me and you could

easily go on stage with no material. Yeah. And do stand up for 30 minutes. Right. Whereas Burr, Amy, Colin and even Louis. Yeah. Don't do that kind of like me who God free. Yeah.

Fuck, there's a lot of guys that could just go up and fucking handboned it out and fucking just big J. And we got that ability to not, you know, like, Yeah, but I think that's Christmas. Can I say something though? I think they have that ability to not, you know, like, those grismas. Can I say something though? I think they have that ability, but what the ability they do work on is the ability to sit down and do work,

like school work. Sitting down with a no pad or jokes, listening to their act, going over them, perfected them. I record all my acts and I cannot listen. That's what you're not doing the work. You see, I've seen a Z's, Louis, I've seen these people sitting there listening to their sets.

But that's the work. You could not water board me into listening to my back. But that's the work. I hear you. You're like, I can't listen to my shit. I think that you're 100% right. I think that's because I host a lot and I worry about that And I'm like I can just be funny talking about stuff and everything like that and that's that that is definitely

I think I think he's got a great point like if you were forced to just have your jokes and that's it if you said if they said Hey, man You can't fuck around you can't write on stage right you got it You got to come up with the material that's written on this paper and you got to work on it Yeah, and then you get off stage You're like you got to then do another show and you got to come up with the material that's written on this paper and you got to work on it. And then you get all stage, you're like, you got to then do another show and you got to make that better. I've been, that's what I've been focused on in the last three, four years.

I've been focusing because my thing is this, I had a problem because I could go into the crowd. Yeah. And then all of a sudden I was like, oh my, my jokes are funnier than that. So I come back into my jokes and they wouldn't, they, I look, they'd still be good, you know, but it's not as, so I was like, I need to make my jokes as funny as that.

I need to be able to dip into the crowd or not. I need to be able to, on any show go, I am not talking to a fucking soul. I'm not gonna ask a question, everything will be internalized and towards myself. Do you remember me and you in LA, when we first got out to LA, I first got out there and you were out there, and we were sitting in the back

of the improv and we were watching these guys go at the clever bits, and you're like, dude, fuck clever, I want fucking funny. I do, and me and you both were like, yeah, what the fuck's up with this set up punch bullshit? Where are the Puerto Ricans? I love funny man. Funny to me, but I think what I think,

and look, even on this new hour that I'm coming up with, I got it, I have an hour, dude, I've fucking been crushing with this hour for the last three months, but I told StarVos, I gotta go back in now and make this shit jokes. Like make this shit when you read it funny. You know what I mean? Like, that's a good joke.

Like that's good. Like the structure, I have to go back in and polish the structure of these jokes because some of them are muscled. Yeah. I can muscle a fuck out. I can muscle the fuck out of a joke. I know, I can too.

And I think, look it, I think it's a beautiful ability to go on stage and, you know, your charisma along with the written joke hidden inside of your personality and go out and just be funny, and they don't even know what the fuck's going on. They don't even see the punchline or the tag or the setup. They don't see, I love that. That's my style of comedy.

That's why I love, it's almost like storytelling of philosophizing, like, per-treece. I love that it's almost like storytelling of philosophizing, like Perth Trees. I love that. Do I see these comics? Look, I can watch a comic, a set up punch tag guy for around 15 minutes. But then I know how I know it's coming. I know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah blah. It was a cool. I love that. Yeah, but trees was great. He was he was a Story a storytelling joke writing comic who did the work, but also had the charisma to carry it

He could do a room without anything. There's it. Well, he was more of a philosopher and his punch lines just came out He didn't he never owned a notebook. He'd fucking write shit down He didn't have to he didn't have a notebook He's not he saw me with a notebook, he'd throw it He grab it and throw it and he'd be like just be funny. We did we did Enbrou, me him Louis Shaffer and Rich Ross right and we had to audition it carrot Caroline's I was gonna say carodops and I had a set list and I was getting ready I was like running through it in my head and but we just walked up and ripped it in half, and he was like, don't use that.

I was like, oh, they're going all my jokes, asshole. And he was like, just be funny. And I was like, I don't know how to. I've been doing it two years. But I think that at this stage of the game, you know, especially with so much comedy, and so much, look, we didn't learn to, I really believe, I don't think my generation

and before watch comedy and learned from them. I think we were just funny, and then we're involved with those people, started to be around those people, and kind of learned how to do it. I think generations that are coming up now, are watching standup on TV, and learning how it's done. It's like this, there a watching standup on TV and learning how it's done.

It's like there's so there was no standup on TV when we were coming up. I mean, it just started like towards the like the middle of the company central showed up in like 1997 or so. Yeah, it's like, that's not right. But, you know, I mean, there was no, we had even the end of the end of the interview, it was all monologue shit. What's talking? You, you are fucking bombarded with special after special after there are fucking so many hour specials out there

It's ridiculous doing 200 next year And there's also like lectures out there that R.I. Shefear is given Ralph and May's given like I gave a lecture he gave a three he gave a four-hour lecture about how to be like a young comic But that could also create really shitty comics that That could also be nice. Really formulaic. It has. Really intellectual, like cerebral. It has. You see so many impersonations.

Right. I'm a comic guy. Oh yeah. Yeah, but we were impersonating too. I literally, if you look at my first hour, half of them are Dave Atel set up punches to get into a story. I didn't know how to get into stories. You know what cops hate?

But this is the perfect mashup. It is literally Patrice's joke that he wrote for me with a David L. Setup. You know what cops hate when you touch their faces. And the whole premise was, I touched his tour to his face and Patrice didn't think it was funny enough. And he was like, it needs to be something bigger. You need to make it a cop.

And I went, oh, we were in Scotland. And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, cop. And then I was like, wait, how do I say that joke? And he was like yeah yeah yeah cop and then I was like wait how do I say that joke and he's like oh no and then I was like how would David tell say it and so I went you know what cops hate when you touch their face yeah but I mean that's you you're a hack most of us like me bird Norton we didn't do that I look I think that as far as it went, I don't think this fame thing, it's a weird thing. I mean, I believe in positive thinking. I don't care, I believe in that.

I have a spirituality, I believe in that too. You know what it's to, you ever notice that people, the bigger they get, the comics too, they pray at events. Really? Oh yeah, there's prayers. Yeah, Amy Perry is with her every step. Yeah, I yeah, there's prayers. Yeah, Amy Perry is with her every set. Yeah, Kevin says the prayers.

Like Kevin Jewish. She doesn't have to be a fucking group like prayer for the show. Like a positive, it's a positive affirmation of her. Oh, God, huh. Hello, hello, I'm Ocelech. I'm being a footage. It's an off-tour. Listen, here's the funny thing too. Hello, I'm Ocelech, I'm in a lot of it. Off Torah. Listen, here's the funny thing too.

We say that, right? And why, immediately everybody's, what? Why is that bad? Why is being positive? Why is, okay, why is it to get to that type of fame? That type of success. Well, you don't have to worry about money anymore. You can actually help a lot of people around you

that you like financially. You can do all this crazy shit. Why is it fucking negative when you hear somebody want to be like, pray or be positive before a show? Why is that like fucking silly? Because, because, because had we been sitting, had, had, had a fortune not its self upon Amy in her sitting right here with us and she was just one of us again.

She would make fun of it too. Yeah, but look at she should be in the same boat we are. I know, but shut up. You're telling me that you're telling me that rich boss praise before he goes, let's say no, the crowd does. I did. So doesn't the club owner please more people walk us. I don't have anything wrong with praying, but I just it just I just find it. No, the crowd does. So it isn't the club owner, please. More people walk us.

I don't have anything wrong with praying, but I just, I just find it, I find it odd, I find it odd that Amy prays before she goes on stage. That's all. I don't think, I look at, I look at it. It's a weird statement on religion that like, it's like when you become a multi-multiple-millionaire, then you start praying.

It's like a very interesting, it's like, yeah, now, good, thanks God. Oh, God. I'm with you now. I hate with you. Yeah, God must have been. But did these, but did these, did they pray at the fucking funny bone? Did you ever pray with Dane?

Yeah, really? Yeah. Yeah, we would say, we would prayer. I'll tell you, we pray. We ask you to pray. We are going to pray. We pray, we pray, gestational. I mean, Lewis, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great,, God to me is, I got sober with God,

what my God is, and it's a positive perspective on life. It's all things positive. It's not, there's no gray area, there's black and white, right and wrong. What do I do? This or that? You know what I'm saying? It's trying to be a good person.

It's trying to treat people the way you wanna be treated. It's all, that's what it is to me. So when we would pray, I'd be like, you know, it'd be like, let's have a great show. Thanks for, you know, putting us here. And in my brain, I'm like, yeah, thank you for, I'm opening at an arena. I'm getting paid good money.

I was just on a G5. Yeah. We ate fucking McDonald's at 37,000 feet, watching King Kong lying down right in my lifetime You know that's pretty badass experience. It's a pretty but here's the thing that fucks it up. He stopped praying No, no, no, there's my ego my ego and my low self esteem. Yeah, it's not mine No, but it's not I mean your head you like it's not mine Yeah, but it's not only in your mind. You know what I am?

I'm fucking coach American airline in the middle. Having a pretzel, wishing the guy next to me doesn't need his pretzels. You know what I'm saying? Watching a movie on my iPhone. That's reality. Every time I get the... I think I see you has thoughts about you too.

I'm sure. Every time I get into a town car, I go, I wonder when these will stop. But here's the thing. Now that we're in my life right now, where things have kind of lifted a little bit and made some money and my show's a cool, I'm what I'm trying to do is this.

I'm trying to do the work, learn as much as I can from people that do it, writing and script or whatever, learn as much as I can do it, you know, writing and, you know, scripts or whatever, learn as much as I can do it, work my ass off when I can, and then really be grateful and humble for what I have, whether it be 30 people that show up at a show, but they're my fans, or it's fucking 300 sold out at, you know, Tampa. Yeah.

You know, and then whatever, I try to just focus in on what I have. Because when you're looking at, okay, Amy was in Tampa when I was there, it's like, fuck. Was she really? Oh, is that when that thing went down? Yeah, yeah. So, but it's like, you know what? I don't give a shit, Tim, get off you fucking fuck.

What'd you? I was looking at the Tampa Tennis. No, you were. I was trying to see. I was trying to see. I was trying to see. I was trying to see. So you were in Tampa when Amy was there. Yeah.

She told 10,000. Yeah, but I'm so happy. I'm happy for her. Look, I remember I was in a, did you call you? I was in Idaho. She came in. I was in Idaho.

Did you call you? Yeah, we texted. We were in, we did. Where was it funny? Was it funny? Yeah, we texted. She wanted me to do something for Clinton. I couldn't do it.

I told her I was voting for Trump. Um, I was, she's gonna do the register voters. Oh, so I don't know what it was. I was just, I couldn't do it. But I remember she came in and asked me to do a guest spot at one of my gigs. It was like half sold.

I was headlining, hey, this girl Amy wants to do a guest spot. I was like, who? Amy, Amy human. I was like, wait, me fuck. And I was like, oh? Amy, Amy human. I was like, wait, me fuck. And I was like, oh, Amy, yeah, fuck, yeah, of course. She came in, she went in, did a guest spot. We hugged, cool. So who the fuck knew?

If you told me that night that this girl was gonna be selling up Madison Square Garden, I would have been like, you're fucking on lids. Right, two, eight. Yeah, she eats oatmeal every morning. But is it, is it? Let me ask you a question. Is it the belief system? on lids. Yeah, she eats oatmeal every morning. But is it, let me ask you a question. Is it the belief system?

Is it the constantly eliminating the negative thoughts and constantly replacing them with positive thoughts about you, your career, your mindset, and having those people around you? I would love to get to the bottom of that because I don't know. I mean, two people that... You can try it if you show me a test. It is being an empire. I mean, I'm sorry.

That come out? Isn't it fucking worth? Is it also being like an empire builder wanting an empire? I don't think. Look, is... That drive is not... I don't think people want empires.

I think people want success. They do, but... They want... You call me Bobby? Bobby. I thought you said, buddy, I like buddy. I appreciate it.. I think people want six. They do, they want. Do you call me buddy? Bobby. I thought you said buddy, I like buddy. I appreciate it. Can I get another vodka?

Tito said that. Hey, just I'm just timing this buzz out, so I'm still available. Yeah, we have 15 minutes. We get 10 minutes left of this shit. Are you serious? Yeah. We don't do three hours out in the West Coast.

No. No. That's West Coast. That's why we're superior. We're really not. Oh, East Coast, West Coast has, there's no comparison. I mean, I'm like comedy. They're big comedy beef. You know what it's going on. Buddy, all Coast. West Coast has there's no comparison. I mean, I'm

going to comedy. They're big comedy beef. You know what's going on. But can I say something? Can I say something? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, and he showed up hat in hand the next day. He's like, can we please not release that? There's a deal. First of all, all the comics that are West Coast, that are from fucking East Coast. Yeah, I know. Yeah, so there you go. Me, Joe, are he's the only West Coast West Coast? Yeah, he's the only West Coast West Coast.

Every is from the East Coast. Yeah, everyone's the East Coast. There's no home grown. We were on the West Coast. Jimmy and Sam today, and they were like, they were like, what do you think the difference is? We break balls out here and I was trying to say it was marijuana. The marijuana is the big difference

because everyone smokes weed out in L.A. So there's this loving feel like you're going, you're like, hey man, it's so great to see you again. Can I say something? I mean, I really like L.A. now. I love the comedy scene in L.A. is fucking really kicked into another gear. It has.

It really has. I'll say, I'm gonna, you'll say I'm gonna I'm gonna you know I'm gonna credit Jared for this, but he pointed out to me The comedy scene has taken a big leap and especially just at the comedy store. Oh my god Comedy store, and I think it's and Jared pointed this out you know Rogan kind of spearheaded this podcasting stand up artist first Hacks later no thievery we're all we're all in this together. Let's be the best we can't I disagree really. I'm first of all I started podcasting. Oh

Let's just get that on the fucking tape Bobby Gore Invented the internet. Yeah, I did I look at I invent first of all I invented Twitter Yeah Body it's a fuck it's on the record I Guaranteed we gonna get a cigar after this yeah I got fucking this fucking beautiful girl Broke fucking Cuban so it's so it's so it's so we're gonna go to a place hold on let's let's be let's be for this out what are we gonna be for rogan like like uh...

i think i remember what second no shit uh... fucking you fucking producer go in there fucking dropping down a fucking a suckling pig in the toilet that had no uh... so we will be shit he's gonna try to spell shit. He's gonna gas digital. The toilet.

Look at who's the first comic to do a podcast with it. I'll take, can I say something to you? Yes. I did a podcast with Colin Quinn, okay, on G cast. Oh, you're right. Listen to me. No, I'm not before anybody. I had, I had, you know, Billy Burr's first podcast was? Me setting up his G cast account.

I want to say I listened to that. Okay. That was back when Matt Frost would call us up with a fucking new technology. And we'd all do it. You remember the texting one? Where if we texted it out with mass text with their numbers?

Yeah. I was on, I had that first. Yeah. They contacted me. Yeah. Okay. But you did have G cast before anybody. Anybody, right?

You're right. I did, which I, you recorded on half hour me. Yeah, okay. But you did you didn't have G cast before. I think I did which which I you recorded on half hour me and Colin I put I'd have my guy when I hit it I would go to an email and it will go right to my website where people can listen to it on a jukebox. It's called a jukebox and you could go listen to it. People got it got so popular. We had 20,000 listeners. People would take it and then rip it and put it on YouTube when YouTube was at okay Okay, and then as far as Twitter I Had a mess remember remember the I was called a guest list where you could go and

You could write a little note to somebody Okay, yeah, don't you it was one of the first things ever. I'm I, learned how to do FTP space on AOL, where I made a website, my photo, and then I had a guest book, it's called a guest book. It's almost like when you go to a funeral or somewhere, and you sign in at the door, right? This is so fitting for your comedy. You know when you sign in?

In the 60s. You sign in, people go and sign in. You could leave, you're supposed to leave a little comment, saw your show, great time, with the email, right? Or the name, your name, you you put your name but I I started doing it people started comics started going to it Keith Dane Billy Norton under assume names Billy was Chris Dane was the owner Norton was Mr. AIDS right and they would go on and fucking smash each other and smash me

and they start they would attack each other every day with paragraphs of the meanest fucked up shit you would say and no one knew anyone he was except for me alright and i had hundreds of people going to this every day you i've always that's not fucking social media and twitter i don't know what it is you are i have you have always been in front of the way. I'm sorry, what'd you say? No, you did it.

You did what? You invented the internet. I didn't invent it. I didn't invent it. You invented social media. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Hey, let's all say it kind of in cannons at the same time.

No, you really, you're the modern. Thank you. I didn't invent it. Thank you for social media. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Thank you, thank you. Thank you, thank you. Thank you for socializing. And podcasting, thank you. Thank you, very much. Thank you.

Fine, I really did that. Someone make that in a ringtone. I was one of the first comedians to get an app. I got an award. Yeah. The fucking, look at that. That's my award. That's the comedy award 2012.

Sounds like Bob has a big. That's comedy app. This is my award. That's where it got. He's just pointing at it. I tell you what, I don't have an arena tour. 2012 This is my award I don't have an arena tour I'm fucking wasting my time with fucking app stupid inventions that I don't see through

Bobby if you're at the front of all these waves The last walk because I jumped off I Think you're right though. I was of course I'm just put you off. I think Joe and Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Oh, there it is. There we go. Oh, my God. I think Joe Rogan was one of those guys, but I also think to be honest with you, the comedy store, really whoever took over and got that fucking garbage out. Adam Egan. Look at man, whoever that guy is, who got that fucking weirdo out and they started actually

carrying comedy seller, you know, people don't remember this, the comedy seller used to have nobody. Nobody worked. You understand? And then Manny and S.D. were like, what are we gonna, and they figured out, okay, we have to, we're gonna put on the best fucking show possible. There's no questions asked.

When I was a young comic, that was the best lineup I've ever seen in my entire life. It is a stadium tour right now. Right. No questions. And here's the deal. They would put on the best comics. And they would, uh, they would give tickets away. They had a guy off front. Please come in. Prodys Stevens would do and, uh, and, uh, Louis Schaeffer. Yeah. And, and they would come in and they would see literally the fucking best show ever. You're talking Gerardo, Quinn, Norton, Bert, me, Godfrey, Pete Corielli, Billy Burb, Tree So Neal, Dave

Tau, I mean, the, imagine that fucking lineup every night and then the crowds people will come, people will come and they did it so much until it was just you had to go. Yeah, until you had it. And now it is what it is. And I think that the comedy store, Adam Fagan took over finally started putting on, I mean, you look at those lineups, you're like, oh my god, what a, you're going there and it's literally David Spade, Norm McDonald, Judd Appetale, Daniel Tosh,

Joe Rogan, Al Madrigal, I mean, Billy Burr, the greatest comics, Maron. Did you really have to top my list that I gave? It's, no, but our list is different in that, like, like Judd Abtazer almost every night. Yeah, Judd Abtaz, funny. You know, people forget that that motherfucker was a standup before he was, you know,

a huge writer, director, producer guy. And he was losing their minds. Yeah, but he went back, I love him because he went back to standup. And he came here to do it. And people were like, were you really gonna take up stage time? He's a comic fuck face.

And he went up and he worked on jokes, wrote them and worked and worked until he fucking was killing it again. It's not bullshit stage time. He goes talking on the mic. The front. He's doing jokes. He's not doing it. 99.1 hot one.

What's wrong with you? Thank you. I'm gonna put a rigging morning show. That's a Tito vodka soda. It's, it's, it's like, the bullshit stand up. The same you forget that about like, and I'm being serious, rigging morning show. Cheeto Vagas. It's, it's, it's like, bull shit stand up. The same you forget that about like, I, and I'm being serious, you forget that about Rob Schneider, Norm McDonald, David Spade, who have been famous for so long.

Yeah. That you forget they earned that well before like they, they, Norm McDonald, they're all funny, but man, Norm McDonald threw away a joke in front of us the other night that would be something I would hang my hat on and build a special around. And I just was like, and I just sat there with like, holy shit. I mean, he's got more stories.

I'm enamored by that guy. I could sit and listen to him talk for hours. We don't use words like that in this podcast. I could suck his dick. There you go I mean David spade you I went and got like drunk in the back of the store once and just watch David spade and I was like Oh my fucking god. Why did you have to get drunk? Because I was having a great time. Okay, cuz I want that you have never mind. He had a blueberry muffin. Yeah because I want that he had never mind he had a blueberry muffin. Yeah.

With but it's fun. David and Spade is so fucking fun. You forget the date because he's been so famous for so long. You forget him and Rob Snyder are fantastic comedians. So like fantastic comedians. But you know what? I think that is I'm really happy. Yeah.

Because I never had I really got jealous that like I left New York and the seller turned into tough crowd no an A and this fucking place where it was like magical. And it's cool now that we have the, that the store is back and you have this place where it's like dudes are flying from Australia to come see one show. They're like, we've been listening to you guys on podcast. This is our dream. And you're like, oh, this is what, is this is like, I mean, when, and I say,

But the seller is. But more so, like when Patrice and Jerald are alive and you guys were doing tough crowd and you guys were doing, oh, and ages came back, dude, I used to, my dick used to get hard thinking about that. Like, I was like, I missed those days. We go, and by the way, I was never accepted at the table. I walked back, get fucking destroyed

and then go to the bar with an extra Gerardo and just sit there next to Gerardo and go, it's a tough room tonight. Oh, and he's like, I can't believe you walked over there. I was one thing about the table, which is dead now, by the way, it doesn't exist. It's not it's not it's gone That the table is not the table There's no more that They're back in the day you go there and it would be all of us at that back table, and I remember guys with women, I saw women cry,

I saw comics fight. Bobby was skinny right now if it was the same way. It was, what's the bundt that is? I know you did, you fucking ego man. That's why you're gonna be a star someday. Yeah, give it to her, I mean give it to him. Yeah, dude, it was really bad. It's not that way anymore. Comics are too sensitive now.

They're very sensitive, you can't. You can't, you can't. What do you say, what do you say? I don't know, because he's not talking in the mic. I said, look at that last joke. I love it, he's still side talking in this concept. Sorry, what? It that last joke. Oh, yeah. I love it. He's still side talking in this cut. Sorry. What?

It's better mics. Dude, fucking they're fine. Just use it better. I did not, I look, I don't think your sense of anything, your sense, but I think comics sit around and I don't think they bust balls the way that's mean as it was back then. It's all this, it's like a different world. It's shittier. Also, every show has a different like, yeah, there's a different crew there at every show.

Yeah. You know, there's so many shows now that like that table is just, you know, it's constantly rotating. It's constantly rotating. So it's all dependent on the crew. Yeah. You know, like, I was here last night. It was a fun fucking crew.

Right. And then there's some nights you're like, all right, gotta go. Yeah, gotta get the fuck out. Yeah, it's a weird when we did it It was just the one that we were all that there was that that group of guys and that's it and nobody was coming in Nobody could break in back then nobody you had to be fucking the holy shit funny to break into that that fucking crew as he says it was

I'm so glad I was there. I'm so glad I got to see it. Oh, dude, I'm glad that we're in it now. I think it's still fucking great. I think. How many is having a boom, man? Yeah, how many is a boom now? Well, we need, what we need is,

two things we need, and I've talked to people. We need, no, we need a big tour. I wanna do, I wanna be a part of, the tour is there, it's oddball, and it's not us. No, it's not me. Yeah, not us. No, it's not me. Yeah, well, I mean, it's not me, they don't, I mean, you know what I mean? I'd love to fucking do that shit,

but it's, there's a, whoever those people are, like I did it the sideskid, if you wanted me to talk to somebody about getting you on, I could send an email. Well, I did the, I did the, opening the virus tour. That was a fun thing. And everybody was like, how do we do this?

The problem is it's too expensive for clubs What do you mean? Got you gonna get you on a club tour they got a split up the money It's like you think you did it with stop is perfect You're gonna then use music venues to do Well, that's the only one I'm doing that with star was because I was sick of just going you know, okay You got to fly in coming Thursday Thursday Friday, leave Sunday, you know, do press on Friday, blah, blah. It's like, it got so monotonous,

it was just like, fuck, I hate this. And I remembered back in the day when we do comedy, we go place to place to place to place. And every night was a different venue and some were small, some were bigger than there was the clubs and then you left and went home for a couple of days and shot, I just wanted to have fun again. And that's what we're having.

Look, if I could make enough money to bring fucking five dudes with me, I would. I don't care about- I don't care about the money. I gotta make this much money to pay my nut. The oddball is in huge venues. Yeah. And that's why they're doing it with huge names. I mean, if you got-

And it's still not selling out. Yeah, I think that a rough time that run of it this year. Well because it's like okay when you put it Look, we did the virus tour. It sold the fuck out or the venues It was all the same venues they're doing for the oddball festival But you're talking Billy Burr Patrice on the old Jim Norton rich boss myself You're also talking Greg Jor though Louis CK David tell David tell I mean that's a line market, you know, yeah I know listen to that lineup and then go view that line. I'm not I'm not done in the You're talking about all

Headlining fucking murderers, but you got and then on this other lineup you got this one that one this one This one's great. This one can kill this one does good in In front of this crowd, but now you got riot casts you got, you know gas digital you got you know I'm saying like there's so many different networks to go get you know like oh and a I grew up on that you know I know I remember the you know that tour I you know I remember like you know there was two plays Everything should decentralized now that like everything you could just you know that tour i i you know i remember like you know there was two places everything so decentralized now that like everything you could just get you know it's not like

there's one network is one tour everybody's going to see it it's like is a million things happening and i mean i don't know i i think it's it i think it's uh... comedies different now i don't think you need i don't think um... murderers murderers row is what they're looking for. I think they're looking for a diverse show.

Well, like you said, I think they're looking for a multi-cultural diverse show where not everybody's the same funny or the same. On those things, it was like, you fucking, you better murder. But like you said, even the comedy is that you watch on TV are more serious now.

Like it's not just shrapnel. They're droppies. They're droppies. Right, right. So every thing is this is weird idea now that like comedy's not just being funny and killing murdering Yeah, it's like the it's got to have elements of other things in it right. Yeah. I listen My bell buckle is hurting my stomach Because I have to piss so bad We're gonna go do a cigar right now. We a cigar where real quick how close is the place for going uh... that's not that far

okay i'm wondering if i should kill my drink or is that what they have drinks there yeah i have drinks there uh... i'm gonna new year city where they have a what we got the charity anything worthy of fucking last couple minutes of the show uh... i think so uh... finally arturo says i love this generation of comics

but nothing compares to the Patrice, Colin Quinn, Voss, Burr, and Bob Kelly era. I will, I'll take that one. You're right. I let me, I did this the other day. I listened to the day Patrice died and you guys all went into opening, opening, and I was, I don't know, it was in a morose mood now I I think I treat a lot what I say

about those words I was in it I was sad as fuck and I literally almost just pissed my ass and it's the funniest it is the funniest one of the hours of radio yeah I said this to Opie I said it to Sam and Jimmy it is the funniest three hours of radio I've ever listened to no and it and it stinks to the high heavens Because it was like that every day when he was alive you guys would all should show up and it was so much fun as a fan of comedy I would listen that all the time and I would piss myself I drive to tennis every morning and listen to you guys and and you're right, you are 100% fucking right. It's out there, it's out there right now.

You just gotta find it, it's in different versions, but that expressively, that, I mean, that fucking thing. It, man, it'll never be like that for me and my heart again, ever, ever. I mean, yeah, it is, but it's, part of me is like, fuck, but then I look at the guys like Dan Soda, Lewis, Joe, Joe, Joe, this is so fucking funny. But I think of this generation of guys,

even Tim and those guys, and I look at them, I'm like, oh, they're doing what we were, they're doing what we were doing. We just haven't, you know, they're popping up now. But if, if me, like I'm older, I'm home earlier. I have this and that. If we went out and hung with these guys, they'd be like, oh shit, this is them.

They're not, I don't think that is dead. I think it's alive. I just think it's dead with us. I think we've moved on. Don't put me in that category. You're almost dead. What do you got? That's it? Okay, cool. Hey, let's go around the room real quick. Oh

God, I if you ever you have to hide her boobs next time. Sorry. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's skin, that's all it is. I know, you talking to me? I'm talking to my heart. Tim, if you don't get, I'm telling you right now. Yeah, no, no, no, no, I'm fucking. If you go on your phone again, I'm fucking, I'm done with you. Okay, you better listen. You're gonna ask me. But Chrysler, it hasn't looked at his fucking phone once. That's fair, I have.

Jared hasn't fucking looked at you. You're on your phone every fucking five seconds. That's not true. Don't be such a cunt, okay? Don't be a cunt. I'm fucking. Don't go on your phone. Okay. Is it that a cunt. I don't know I'm going your phone Okay, is it that boring are we boring you? No, no, no, I was just checking you were gonna check it

You're gonna say dates and I want to see when I was performing Hey, let me let me just let me just say this Hey, let me just let me just say this Let me just Let me just plug the podcast Let me show the updates the plug oops. Yeah, that's okay. No guy. What are you? I have a podcast on the best network Well the gas digital network of my father Louis J. Gomez around Puerto Rican Rattlesnake and Ralph Sutton and my mother

What about plugging your fucking chubby friend? Oh Ray cop is my co-host, it's a great show. Every Tuesday it's seven, eight. Great job on the podcast today by the way. I wasn't expecting you to come back. Are you a comic? You should come back on by yourself. You shit. Yeah, and it's November, that you wouldn't get on the phone either.

You just actually be involved, right? November night, New Hampshire, I'm gonna be like a fucking, you look a hot chick at a comedy show in the front row. What? You're on your phone every fucking second I appreciate call me hot chick November 9th, Shasky and pub in New Hampshire November 3rd Shasky? Shasky and Shasky and yeah, it's great. It's great show. It's a great show. The fucking ski lodge

It's a part of the Shasky and we have a team Dylan. He's Kudia. It's a secret day of vampire cult November 3rd. He sucks a man being the sea's the good guy November 30th Vermont comedy club Wednesday November 30th great room to see Your headlining I've done it. I'm headlining. So you literally just went from fucking opener to headliner Oh, I wouldn't say I have I'm headlining like off nights. How long is the comedy of this will be your seven-starth in September? All right unbelievable. I love you to death. You are really so fucking funny I appreciate it. Thank you one of my favorites. Thank you Bobby. Brett. What do you got mermaids the 28th off October? What I don't know stand-hobe recommended You're working on place called mermaids in phaseville, Arkansas

One of my favorite points does in the world gauge it lives in Arkansas Dude or check. Gate. Dude, I'm really, you think I'm fucking half a fucking. No, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's definitely a, it's a, it's definitely a, it's a, no, no, no, no, it's a girl, it's a girl. My favorite new, I saw the Gmail star. You want to fuck Google somebody. Massage Michelle Firestone. You want to queer out for a couple of seconds?

Really? Oh my god. Don't send that to that rabbit. Don't let Michelle Firestone. Oh my god. I'll plug with the rest of my dates while we do that. I'm confusing Sunday. November 11th, at one hour special airs on Showtime at 10 PM. November 11th.

Can't wait to see that. Congratulations. Thank you very much. And the only other day to applaud is the Wilbert Theater, the 21st of January. Great venue. I love that place. Yeah, they say that if you can sell,

they go everyone sells it out. And I was like, yeah. Well, we'll see. I'm at Laf Boston, so I sold out two shows over there. I can't, I didn't sell, I love, I fucking love those guys. Yeah. At the Wilbur. I do, I love, I love the family. Everyone sells it out and I was like, I don't like that, that talk.

Yeah, but you gotta stop that. Listen. Okay. Here's what we have to do. Here's what we have to do. No, you don't have to fucking be ridiculous. Yeah. What I'm saying is, stop thinking like that.

Yeah. Do what you can do to plug the date, do your stuff, and let it happen. Go to my Twitter, you'll see a good seat early promo, the Wilbur Theatre on the 21st, my hour special, the 11th of November, 11-11. Image Google, the girl. Don't go to her Twitter, because I don't want to hear what she has to say. I want to see her fucking luscious cock. Her perspective on on that's her

Okay, yeah, yeah, keep scrolling go down down you take off the what is down down? That's it. She's the worst at fucking if I should this is why women suck at the internet. I'm being serious Men will always be better. Really? You had a man running this Can I say something scroll scroll scroll? Can I say something real quick? Advanced search on I'm at the internet. I'm being serious. Men will always be better. Really? You had a man running this? He's like, can I tell you something? Can I tell you something real quick? Advanced search on. I'm at the comedy connection round. Corey, the owner there. He had virtual goggles, the VR goggles. He had a porn on it, right? I put it in, I'm watching this girl fuck me.

I'm getting hard. I literally have goose pimples. I'm at the bar with 10 people around me Yeah, and I'm I'm literally pumping Okay, the only time it took me out of the way I looked down and saw my legs and my cock. I was like that's not really mine I'm sitting like oh my god. I put it on one of the waitresses. She puts it on she look This is the most incredible fucking technology I've ever seen. I've ever she puts it on she looks around she goes Oh, this is a really nice kitchen Nude nude nude fucking yes, why would I want to see her and fucking panties like a regular girl? This is Tom who doesn't masturbate come on

Look at that to huge dick So fucking huge sex look at that fucking You think she go bigger on the boobs. Hey, why yeah, why would you want to keep it realistic? Yeah, it's a little thing It won't be a little girl. You want me a young little cheeky Friday high school holy shit little fucking surprise under your fucking Patch skirt. Why does God do her a big deal? Under your births? Why? She should be in her mind. She got a height and easy. Yeah, that's huge. Anyways. I think if I was not skinny, mine would look like that. Yeah, mine. Yeah. Whatever you say. Yeah, absolutely. What do you got?

Jared? J train podcast every Tuesday and Friday. Thank you very well done. Thank you. I try my best. Have you done it? Yeah, it's so fucking great. Tim's done it. You've done it so you can go through the catalog every Tuesday and Friday I'm from outside of Boston. So I you know, I have some people I can bring over to the Wilbur if that's ever needed Why can't we might be looking for an opener? If we don't, if we don't, listen, I know you work my way up into that Tim Dillon, you know, Dan Soder. You're on your way, buddy. You know, one day, one day I'll get that love from Bobby that I've been yearning for, but we'll see.

You're on your way, buddy. You really are. You work, you work in your ass off. You keep in your head down. You're taking the hits and you're not letting anything get to you. And you always have a really strong energy and a strong positive outlook on things, man. You never, I never see you like, you're always like, what's up, man? You know, exactly.

Yeah, why would I? Exactly. Well, look at Bert. Look at me. You ready to tell you, for me to tell you who you reminds me of? Oh, who is it? of who is a yeah, yes No, Chris. He know he better be fucking famous. Let's fuck Eddie Eddie who it man does oh my god, right? Bring it all back. Holy shit. Is he not look like any yeah a little bit type in type in Eddie? Oh you never

We get in the show I got a a piss. I got to stop looking at this girl's boobs because I'm literally. He's got to have strong. I'm ready for some bar and a cocktail. I'm not bringing this one. I'm going to start drinking over there. Okay, great. Listen, deep. What do you got, buddy? You could follow me at R2 Deepu. And we got the post show coming up in about 10 minutes after the show. Yep, we're going to post show coming up. What do you got at Lauren Kubara and go to

Robert Kelly live.com 20th 29th, you're at Gotham.com. Yeah, this weekend, I'm at Gotham Friday Saturday night. Please stop down and get your tickets right now. Robbercallylive.com. And then we have a massive Michigan tour coming up. We got three days in Michigan where Michelle Fist don't live, by the way. Hey, Jada, you were funny. She's sweet to go. So anyways, check that out.

Robacale Live True Story Tour, me and Stavros, we're going all the way till fucking January with this tour. So go to my website, check out the dates. If we're coming to see you buy your tickets now and come join us for that. What else I got? Just do, go ahead and download the Robert Kelly, you know what dude app? Yeah, go down on the app right now, for free, for iPhone and Android, it's free.

Robert Kelly podcast, YKWD, right? Robert Kelly, you know what dude podcast? Robert Kelly, you know what dude podcast? For free, download it, join 199 a month, subscribe to us, support us, be part of the YKWDude family. We have the Creeps with Kids Show is up there right now. I also did a podcast with Bailey Jane or husband while we were in Tampa with Sovereaux. That's up there right now. We're gonna be doing, I'm gonna be doing another one-on-one this week that we're gonna be premium members. You're only doing people getting these. So if

you want to hear this stuff, you want to support the show, become a premium member by down on the app, for free, and joining right now. What else? Oh, go ahead. If you want to send something to the studio, you're going to 117 McDougal Street,

1-0-0, 1-2, care of Robert Kelly. Also, if you want to be a fan, sit on the couch like these guys, email ykwdproduceratryacast.com. Did that kid of sleep, is he awake? He's awake. How'd you guys have fun? Yeah, it was great. Yeah, a good time.

Thanks, buddy. Thank you. What about you, sweetie? Love it. Thank you so much. Oh, you're the best. Come back anytime you want, guys. What about you, brother? Oh, no.

Oh, oh, good. That was very well-spaked. You guys, thanks for showing up. We'll see you guys next time. What else? What's up? You good? You can't remember. Well, we'll see you guys next time. You know what? Check out riotcast.com for all the best podcasts on the internet. And they're all free.

And they're all free. Try it. Try it. Try it. Try it. Try it. Porcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Spectacularismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sincindia aventuras desperan. ¡Fliparás! Vuelades de madrida murcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros.

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