Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Best of REGZ Yankee Swaps (Gabby’s Panties and Deepu’s Bus Ticket) | The Regz w/ Robert Kelly, Dan Soder, Luis J. Gomez and Joe List Ep #41

Episode Date: July 16, 2025

Robert Kelly, Luis J. Gomez, Joe List, and Dan Soder celebrate Christmas in July with the best moments from some of the Yankee Swaps, Gabby Bryan using her panties as a trading chip, Deepu gifting library books, Tim Dillon was there, Scopo wins a dance with Natassia Dreams, Deepu gifts a one way bus ticket to Washington D.C., Joe List has high cholesterol, tricking Joe Derosa into believing Tom Segura died, Luis hates Muscle Milk, Bobby chooses a sandwich, and more! Presented by YKWD and GaS Digital. LISTEN ON APPLE PODCASTS https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-regz/id1700969607  SOCIALS Robert Kelly @ykwdpodcast https://robertkellylive.com/ https://www.instagram.com/robertkellylive/  Luis J. Gomez https://luisofskanks.com/https://www.instagram.com/gomezcomedy/ https://twitter.com/luisjgomez  Joe List https://twitter.com/JoeListComedyhttps://www.instagram.com/joelistcomedy/  Dan Soder https://www.dansoder.com/ https://www.instagram.com/dansoder/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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overall with a cup of coffee you're probably drinking every day anyway. I'm telling you, cold, hot, it was so easy and it tastes good. On the fly. Bodybrain. Fill her up! You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. Alright, so here's the deal guys, we got a hard out with this elf right here. What time are you gonna leave? I got therapy.

I can't miss it. My grandmother died, I'm very sad. You fat fuck. Thank you. You just dropped that? Give it to me. Give it to me. Give it to me.

Give it to me. Okay. Alright. My grandmother died, so what? Okay. Of course you're sad. Your hand feels warm. Thanks, dude. Your grandma died, who cares, dude? It's a grandma.

That's what they're supposed to do. It's the only thing of note that grandparents do. That's right, it's bad birthday cards and death. They get better desserts than you. No, that's not true. They actually take care of you when you're mom or you don't have a dad and they're there for you and they show up at certain things.

We're talking white grandparents. Yeah, oh, my wife'm mine's white. Yeah, it does things. Yeah Yeah, thanks. She does a lot of things besides die. She was like my mom for a long a long long time Yeah, I called her mom actually they're better than a mom better than a mom. Absolutely. What's better a slam or a grand slam? a gram slam A grand slam. A gram slam. A gram slam, grandma. Look at us back together. Look at us.

A slam and a gram. God, just took the band a couple minutes and then we're jamming. We should slam. Deepu's here with his jacked arms, with his Kumail Nanjiani body. Mike, stop shaking while you're eating your muffin, would you? He's freaking me out. He's filled with joy. What are you doing?

I'm just taking a peek at which one's not the worst. You took a peek. They're all pretty bad, though. Yeah, it's a terrible choice. It makes it easy not to you're welcome you piece of shit It's terrible. You should have got cookies Solidarity with Bobby. Thank you, buddy. You're the best you look good. Yeah, I don't I've been shoveling food in LA last week, so I still got some Buddy really the phony in you. Yeah, I still got some of the Bobby. I was too, buddy. Really? You thought the phony in you? Yeah, I still got a little phony.

The ponies? I go, you look great, Bobby. I just listened to your last episode. I was dying laughing. I was telling everyone I know. What episode was that? It was the one with, where we exchanged Christmas gifts.

Danny Boyzota goes, Andy, is the whole podcast circle friends with everyone? Friends with everyone, Dan. Wow. Hi, do you need a neighbor or a friend? We should do a smash cut of Dan fake laughing at LA Comics jokes on their podcast. Actually, I did a, I actually had,

I did a good one. Whoever edited that together, I swear to God, I will fucking give you free pastries from Polka Dot. And I will give you better cookies from somewhere else. I'll give you free tickets to a show. Hey, do you think he was out there just fake laughing at a lot of people? Oh, show.

Oh, show? There's people we know. Come on, son. Yeah. You think so? For sure. Oh, yeah. No, Bert.

No, that was Joey Diaz had fun. Santino, Andrew Santino's podcast was a lot of fun. And who else? I did some fake laughing. When you start getting to the end and you go? Fake laugh a couple times. When were you there? I was there yesterday. I was there last week.

I was there Sunday. Was that last week? Who knows? Who cares what we're talking about? You're mad today. I don't like it. Well, Joe gave me a heads up on the train. He was stuck. Hey, hang on one second people anytime just feel throw in My mic on your mic is on this is the first time you're on as a guest I the whole dynamic has always been like when they're here. I just have to shut up. So I get it So yeah, that's why we invited you to sit here and shut up

No, I brought I I'm here because I brought a gift that shows how much I care This whole podcast would have been worth it. This table would be worth money, just all our blood on it. Oh, dude, Louis looks like a low ranked mafia boss. If he does shoot you, sign your name, just sign initials in your blood on the table so we can raise some money for our families,

me and Louis's family. No one's buying these tables, they stink. Yeah, this is Ikea garbage. Why, Louis, why are you in a bad mood? You know, man, just the holidays. Why do the holidays put you in a bad mood? You got a sun, you bought a, a fake tree I saw looks beautiful.

Yeah, my fake tree is fire. It looks, well, it looks good. I have the nicest Christmas tree out of anybody that I know, by fall. That's not true. You say that about everything, about everybody. That's not true. Everybody, everything. Anytime you get something, it's better than anybody. Let's see a picture You say that about everything, about everybody. That's not true. Everybody, everything.

Yeah, that's true. Anytime you get something, it's better than anybody. Let's see a picture of your tree at home, Bob. I just got it last night. Oh, tree off, tree off. I'll do a tree off. You want to do a fucking tree off? You got a picture?

Oh, you're fucking sycophant puppies over here are going to vote for your tree. So whatever. What do you mean sycophant? You have sycophant? You're not here. Learned a new word. All right. What'd you say?

Yikes. Back you off. I like it. I like it. It was pretty hard. It was all right. Try to sway the vote, dude. Sway the vote.

What are you eating? I thought you were in solidarity with me. Well, I found that piece of banana from earlier. He's like, it's some of Joe Rogan's alpha brain. You know, I met him when I was out there. So I just take it now. I didn't get to do Rogan. I's some of Joe Rogan's alpha brain. You know, I met him when I was out there, so I gotta just take it now. I didn't get to do Rogan. I got passed over for Rogan.

He's got an on it tattoo. I go, guys, I've been doing a lot of meditations in Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Dude, I was just soaking in my tank for a half hour, and then I got up and shot a bow for around 20 minutes. Look, oh, that's weird. I just shot a lion in Africa, Joe. Oh my God, I love elk meat.

I just ate some in the car. I Make my own elk venison Dude, I'm voting for Chelsea Galbra. She's awesome. I love I love jalapeno enemas Is that real? Okay, I have given doing a Wim Hof breathing. You know about this guy. We're off Yes, the cold shit. Yeah, the guy that goes on's not the guy that goes out into the fucking tundra and goes, ffff, ffff, ffff. Yeah, I've been doing it every morning,

taking cold showers. With that mouth? Best I've ever felt. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. He meets this guy and he goes, I never intended for someone with such a tiny mouth to breathe like that.

It actually creates a laser beam of air. You're going to kill yourself. You're going to kill yourself. You're going to kill yourself. How long have you done it? Several days. This thing sucks. Hold it like that. Well, you didn't tell me to hold it.

Well, you can do whatever you want. We're working. It's a working progress. Gabby is prettier today than she was last week. What the fuck? Because we called her ugly for a whole episode. And then she went and got a facial. Not that kind, you dirt ball.

She looks good. She probably got that too. Don't you think gang bang Gabby's a good nickname though? I'm just saying, if we did it, it would be a good nickname. If we were a biker gang. Where did you get those glasses? Are those glasses look not done? Are those, are those?

They're not the right size because they don't fit in your ear. Take your hat off for a second. Where did you get them? They're not resting in the right place. I tried them on my good glasses. I like them. I like them, I like them them Louis. His ear isn't in the ear hook You're holding on to the back

In those glass break them break them expensive. Why would I break it Bobby? There's 20 bucks in it for me if you snap those in half right now. There's They're expensive shut up. You look good. Well cares about your expensive glasses. Oh, look at you, Bob. How do I look? Do I look good? You look like a fucking pro poker player. Really? I think things are moving too fast.

I want to bring it back to Wim Hof breathing. All right, go to Wim Hof. There you go. Yeah, Joe, really, introduce some boring ass topic. We're all having fun busting balls. I introduced gang bang Gabby, and then you switched it to flabby Gabby. I tried.

You're calling me boring? I want to say Flabby Gabby. You're calling me boys? I wanna say Flabby Gabby works off the tongue better. Gang Bang Gabby. No way! I love when Dan gets more accurate. When Dan gets mad and he pronounces his auras really hard, I love that Gabby. That's right, Bobby Moneymaker.

Flabby Gabby as of now is more accurate, but we could change that. I'm very strong. Do you understand this is a big, it's a big possibility, Deepu came here to kill us. You understand that's a huge possibility. I just want to say this on behalf of everybody,

it would be a funnier bit if you killed yourself. I agree. Right? We can all agree. Yeah, if you just stick it right in your mouth and shoot those antlers right up to the ceiling. Deepu spoken. Joe just sitting in Alan's office with speckles of blood on his face from getting shot. He's going, Alan goes, of course.

You could take out one of these guys who replaced you. Deepu kills himself in front of me, but I'm still talking about my grandmother in therapy. No, that's Deepu's brain, but I want to talk about my Nana. How old is your grandma? 49. The list family. Fucks early. Ah, you motherfuckers. No, I don't know. 80. I think she was 80 turned 80. How'd you die? Um, I don't know 80 I think she was 80 turned 80 how'd you die? I don't know You got her boobs in your fucking neck you weirdo yeah, dude she was doing she was doing bare-knuckle boxing. Yeah Whole fight whole fight Glenis list any day in the parking lot But yeah, Wim Hof breathing it like this

Toiny mouse day in the parking lot. But yeah, Wim Hof breathing. Once you do it all like this, I'll fight, I'll fight him with a little bit of a... Oh, tiny mouth! The tiny mouth! The tiny mouth list! The tiny mouth list is never back down! You're never back down! You know, you big mouth people only took a lot of shit for ween! Oh, tiny mouth, it's time for us to rise! Whatever I'm in, an Irish bairnacle.

We've always had a problem with the Sullivan's! Their mouths are big enough to be a little bit bigger than ours! Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I've always had a problem with the Southerns. Their mouths are big and they took a lot of shit. Taking large bites of potatoes. Eating all the potatoes. Do not. Sweating. Oh shit. But no, she meant a lot to me for sure. Having a hard time. Oh motherfucker. Oh shit, but she meant a lot to me for sure Back to windhoff breathing. Yes, who got you on it? Oh, not a grandma a guy

No, that's how she died. She was taking a nice shower and slipped No, this guy. I don't know some guy named Tony out in Albuquerque he blew me and said hey you're gonna, this is gonna really help you. And I made it the part of the below job kind of spice it up, you know? But, uh, he told me about it. And then I have been watching these videos doing the Wim Hof breathing. It's pretty fun. It makes you feel good. You start to get like hyperventilating. This might not be for you, Bob, but the fuck I was listening any type of breathing. Uh, it's real good. You breathe and you can hold your breath like a long time for like two minutes. What? And then you take a nice

cold. You can't hold your breath. You can't hold your breath. I'm minutes. Get a time. Telling you when you do it right now. Ready? I got it. You gotta get into the breathing. Gabby, hold his nose. Let's go. Still gets under the water. I gotta do the breathing first. You see, can you go in the room and do the breathing? Do it it do it do it ready and go go start the timer I don't believe I did I started hey hey hang on now he can't cheat this work Gabby and deep who fall in love oh my god you imagine that

you stop it no you I'd actually get literally angry if deep fuck Gabby Why be sure if you took that dirty Indian dick my dick is spotless except for one spot prove it Spots on their dicks. Yeah, I have a pearly papule that showed up once What the fuck is that it was just I thought it was an STD But it was just a random thing that pops up a pearly papule that showed up once. What the fuck is that? It was just, I thought it was an STD, but it was just a random thing that pops up. A pearly papule? Yeah, you can look it up. Pearly papules run through pepper picking pepper. Hang on one second. You got to know you got a minute and a half. Dude, if he fucking passes out, you got a minute and a half. Squeeze that little nose. That's who that's who glad to do it right now. But 48 seconds pearly papules,uels Gladys lists the next opponent. Yeah, perty papi. I really boy been hearing

Oh, I didn't I could have done it but I didn't want to give deep with the opportunity to fuck is a really pap you On the penis probably popular on the penis little fingers. It was worse up close. You got cat doggy You got a little fucking worms growing out of your dick you can grab the side of the picture you currently have pearly papules no throw me into the bus cuz you have shit on your dick you got fucking you got multiple you got like predator hair on your dick that's oh yeah what the hell I think it's been on the screen too long.

That's the stuff you find on your windshield in a spaceship. Yeah, you go, oh my God. We brought it back with us. What is that? Oh, this is polypapillol. Is this guy still alive? The breathing?

What the fuck is polypapule? Oh yeah, he'll never die. I cannot get over this. If my dick's had him having little worms growing out of the fucking rim, I'd lose my shit. Yeah, but. Would you call them gomites? Yeah. Ah!

Gabby thinks she's fucking on the show. Count the gifts, Gab. Eight. And we need to get up and count them. You need numbers, too. I don't trust two guys with beards. By the way, Gabby, she does have abs. I went onto her Instagram and jacked off

to a bunch of her old bikini photos. Really? Yeah. Hey. You have abs? Yes, she does. You do not have abs. I swear to God. What kind of abs from

being too skinny abs? No, she doesn't work out. She's like just naturally natural abs. GBG. How far back did you have to go to spunk? Um, no, it's pretty quick. She's she's she's doesn't know what was the scenario you were spunking to a good. It was a white bikini. That's all I remember. White bikini. Okay, white bikini. And then what you spunk to? Yeah, like what was the thought that were spunking to? Oh, good call. It was a white bikini, that's all I remember, white bikini. Okay, white bikini and then what'd you spunk to? Yeah, like what was the thought that made you pop? The thought of rubbing her flat chest.

I was just like, mm, this is it right here. I can't tell if it's boobs or fat. You feel horrible. Marble-like. Do you think you could come to me if I was just on top of you shirtless? Just rubbing your tits on my tits. If I could tit fuck you, I'd pop.

For sure, dude. Yeah, nice pop. If I could shave my nips. Oh dude, if I could fucking lube it up. I'd just be like a little Guatemalan mom. So it'd make that noise where you go. I could come to you like this. I like the elf thing.

Just good to go. The lips. Gab, what do we got? We need eight things. Eight? I don't know. Joe's good to go. The lippies. Gab, what do we got? Eight. Eight. All right, we need a hat and we need pieces of paper and we need eight things. I feel like there's been more usually. Gabby, did you bring a gift?

Deepu, you brought a gift? Yep. Gabby, is it your underwear? How cool is it if Gabby's just used underwear? We'd all be fighting for it. It's wet. I just put it in a teabag. Jesus. Yeah, Gabby, are you going to delete the photo that Lewis came to?

You are. I got to see real quick if you could send it on over. I took Instagram off my phone because I'm better than everybody. Are you from Baltimore? Yeah, that'd be him. I'm going to go home. Take it away from my phone. I love Cal Ripon. Now we're in. Find it. Where is it? Take a break from my phone. I love cow written. Cow written. Find it, where is it dude? Take a break.

We'll be right back. We're gonna jerk off to campus. Oh we're going big screen dude. On the big screen. So far yucky, gross. Oh god, please stop. I know. Okay.

That's one okay one. Face to face. I want the mic, I could probably done it. It's down, it's way further down. Oh wow, you you fucking scrolled Lou. I gotta find a bikini shot dog you're gonna see like a little bit of the Where were you and you know, this was a good oh, you know what actually no it wasn't it was this one right here It was a gold bikini right here. That's the one leg spread. What doggy legs spread guys? What are you doing? This is inappropriate. This is like my daughter.

I get it. Inappropriate. Look at Gabby loves the fact that Dan's looking at it so hard. What? I don't know, dude. Whoa. That was a solid one. Wow.

That's Bobby's tent. Whoa. That's what Bobby's dick looks like when you were there. Christy likes it. It was my tent. Christy loves it. Christy's a pig, huh? He gets a bit there. Look at Gabby's bod, though.

All right, all right. Look at her bod. Run it away. Whoa. Very jerkable. Yeah, but she has knees like Ryan Hamilton. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. All right, let's go. Now, what do we do now, Joey? All right, well, who's got? Can we sing a song do now, Joey? Alright, well who's got... Can we sing a song just to get in the spirit? Sing a song. No, no, no, a Christmas song.

Joe's grandma's dead That bitch will never spend another holiday season with us That's unfair. I mean, that's really... edit that out. You know what, cause my aunts and uncles, they watch the program. No, they don't. Yeah, they do. They're dead to program.

I hope your aunt and uncles die next year. Say, all right, let's go. All right. Who's got number one? Got a baby. All right, let's go. What do we do? Should I just start?

Let's start it. All right. Here we go. Number one Yankee. No, you're not number one. Well, how do you know? Because you didn't say it. What do you mean? Let me get on number one. How do you know? Because I're not number one. Well, how do you know cuz you didn't say it? What do you mean?

Let me get on number one. How do you know cuz I haven't looked yet. I want to look you're a trickster Oh number one. That's number one Seven Bobby that's a number. That's a one seven. That's a one with that somebody forgot to draw the bottom part Yeah, that's a seven. Is that a seven? What the fuck? Who the fuck's got number one? You got one? Who's got one? Who's got one? That's a one!

Who's got one? I'm dreaming of Christmas Just like the ones I used to blow Where the tree hop glistened and the children listened to hear sleigh bells and the sleigh bells

and the sleigh bells and the sleigh bells and the sleigh bells and the sleigh bells and the sleigh bells pick a gift. All right. I want Dan's gift because he's got that fucking HBO money. It's a Torgas and DVD set panties. I'm going to be in my mouth tonight. Dan's gift is my panties. Yep. What did you open it? I got to do this. Here we go. Play some music. What is it? Wow. What is it? Luma Luma 350 portable smart. Hey, that's cool. That's a nice gift. I'll re-gift that to my wife. Well, Dan just did. So who is that from?

That's from me. Who gave that to him? That's nice. No, Dan is a very special person. Yeah. Fuck you. You know something that we should know. Spill, bitch. Who gave you that? He doesn't know anything. I don't know anything. I brought it. Lewis, you can keep that or you can just get rid of it if you want. Just throw it out. Lewis, you can give it to me because I have a son. I knew you were gonna want that. I have a son. And you have a portable projector. Yeah, but you don't have it. You have both.

All right, who's loser two? Who's got the number two loser? How do you know I have a portable? I just watched a movie in the woods. Yeah. Who's got number two? Get over here. Zach. That's his name? Yeah. You want Deepu's? That's mine.

You don't want that one. Tell us what's in that one. You don't want this one. It was great watching your face. I just want to watch your face. What is it? What is it? Talking about the study guide for the sanitation worker exam or the firefighter exam

Hey, that's good for Lewis. You know what? You're gonna need those. You should definitely keep that. You know, it's weird Is when a joke gift turns into the origin story of your career Where he goes and been at the Sanitation Department for over 27 years. I was producing the white KWDs He speaks things called hardcasts. You know that they call themselves New York's strongest because the police are the finest and the firemen are the bravest. The garbage trucks say New York's strongest. Really? Kind of hilarious. They are pretty strong. You ever pick up a bag? You ever pick up a bag

of wet garbage? You ever pick up a bag of a... And I ain't talking about your mother-in-law. Ah! No? All right, I'll take that. It was a... I liked it. All right, who's three? Who's three? You're looking at them, buddy.

The Anisodes. Do these come together? These are different, I think. They're two different ones. Two different gifts? Two different ones, yep. Two different ones. That one's from me.

This one's from you? Oh, I'd take that. You'd love that. Suarez usually does drop heat, but... Not on the podcast. First of all, Suarez... What the fuck? No, it's coasters. You'd love that. Suarez usually does drop heat, but not on the first. Swarse. No, it's coasters. What a shitty gift. Coasters, poker chips and what a shit gift. Where did you get that?

That's a girl gift. Gabby wants to get Gabby just wants the carrying case. It has a girl. It's a really nice makeup bag. Damn. Dan is going to love that. I bet he breaks it up with Vecchione one night and does their feet together. You know what? We've been meaning to do that and I love it. I You have to take mine is everything oh you get to change wait a minute we didn't tell Zack

Yeah, he can take the book Zack. You can take the book You can take his projector if you want and give him the book That knows a deal when he sees it, you know that You can take that. You don't have to wait right now. Yeah, no, it's not too late. You know, that can eat those. Yeah. Lewis has got the books. He goes, now, now your son has a job.

Now he has a career. You have to. You don't have to give him this podcast. First of all, I'm going to take that projector back at the end of this game. It doesn't matter. I'm number one. Well, that's okay, because Zach has two. Well, if you don't, I'll do your blood.

You have two of those? Why? Why? Because Chris D gave his to Zach too. How did Chris D give them? What did Chris D do? I don't know. He gave them to Zach yesterday.

How did he get one? I don't know. I got mine from Comedy Central. How did he get one? I don't know. I got mine from Comedy Central. How did he get his? He got his from Comedy Central. He got Morisa and the Secret Santa. I go, that was my bonfire gift from Comedy Central. How did he?

That's his, from his interstitial. That's why I was sort of says that I was like, how the fuck did you know? That's why. He knew some weird shit. Well, honey, you can't paint a face on without having it. So do you, are you taking the camera? I'm stealing it back. Yeah. I want my gift back. you can't pay the face on. Lewis gets it back. You know, he's going to give it to you. I mean, no, I can take whatever I get, whatever gift I want. I take the best gift at the end of this. What are you talking

about? You can't threaten people. Lewis, you know, I know how the game works. You idiot. You can't do this for 17 years in a row. Yeah. You're number one. I'm number one. I take whatever gift I want. Yeah. I thought you were using it because you're Puerto Rican. Me too. I thought he was bullying. I thought he was just goes, yeah, we're going to say, I'm going to lock the door.

I'm leaving with all the kids. I thought he was going to, I thought he was like, I'm taking whatever I want. I was like, wow, what a Puerto Rican, what a Puerto Rican grinch that. Very Spanish of him from the 70s. You're a mean one. This gift is unfair.

This is like a $300 gift. Right, you know know shout out Comedy Central Thanks for the good year. It's actually below 20 because he didn't pay a fucking thing for it. Who is number four? Yeah, that's fucking is that low. Yes. What are you gonna take my what are you gonna do you're gonna keep it riser? What a beauty kit from Gabby? Let's get a diet kit from Bobby I'm on a diet. You know what? It still got off.

It still got off. You still got it off because it said Bobby and diet. That's the only reason why, fuck sucker. There's good shit in there. Why did you do that? What? What? What?

Why a beauty kit? Because there's moisturizers, fucking alcohol. Mike, where you going? Mike's using it right away. Comes out of the mask on. Put SPF on his dick. All right, there's one gift left. I'm number nine.

I'm number nine. You are number nine. All right, grab it. I hope it's a sandwich. By the way, everyone knows Mike's locked in. Okay, it's from Zach. Why do you keep saying that? Just let people fucking move on. I lost my vibrator because you had to put that out there. Rules are rules, dude. Exactly, rules are rules. He moved on. Oh shit, okay.

What the fuck? Yo, this is the best one. I had such low expectations for all these years. I'm going to go with the best one. I'm rules. Here we go. Exactly. Rules are rules. He moved on. Oh, shit. OK. What the fuck? Yo, this is the best one. I had such low expectations for all these other gifts. That's a handmade pipe from Jamaica.

This is bone, and this is like tree wood. A bone from a white girl? Wow. Deepu's about to get some books. What, he doesn't know? Yeah. Let me see that. My gift's all right. My gift's all right. Can I see that? For the record, my gift's all right. Can I have like nine. Just take it. Just take it.

I really want to bother, but I really want the projector. Here's my problem. I want the projector, but I want to hurt Deepu. If you don't take that pipe away from him. What Deepu doesn't know is when he got that pipe in Jamaica, the man was like, this is a cursed pipe. You're the first man to put his lips to this pipe. If a man sleeps in the room with the pipe, he'll die. He goes, I'll keep it outside. He goes, that would be wise. Don't you know that's from a dangerous animal?

If an Indian man receives this gift, we could all die. All right. I'm going to, uh, I want the projector. Take the pipe. I'll get you a projector. That's a good deal. Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Um, no, because Iby gets nothing. Gabby gets nothing. Let me have it. Um, no, because I'll tell you right now. This is actually better. Making her sad is going to make it. It's making her so sad. Gabby, if you, and I mean this, if you kiss me in my mouth right now, whoa.

Just give him a kiss. Just a kiss on the mouth, you can have the product. You think kissing you is worth how much is worth? See, this is why the joke... That's $400 for that one. This is $400? For this one. Gabby. Yes. A little. It gave me two full seconds of pressing your lips on my lips. No tongue. Second. Just too like, look, it's Christmas time. No. What

if I do it? You kiss mush and you do if you kiss mush and then she kisses you. I'll nail you my underwear. The fuck waters. You give me your underwear right now off your And then she kisses you. I'll nail you my underwear. The fuck water's still. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. If you give me your underwear right now off your body, I swear to God I'll give you. That's not bad. That's not bad. Do it, do it! Do it!

Go in the bathroom. What are you wearing? I'm wearing ugly underwear too. You want them? Yes. I can keep this? Do it! Let me see that they're on your body first though.

They're obviously on. I don't trust that you don't have an extra pair of underwear on you at all times. Who wears double underwear? Are you an asshole? I have ugly underwear. Let me me say what color are they? There it is I see commercial. Period underwear. Whoa!

I'm going to throw up if there's anything on it. Oh, dude, I hope it smells like old art. Will you take them off and wear them as a hat? Yes. Oh, Joe. Yeah. Ah! Oh, man.

Sorry, horns of Odin. What did you call him? Horns of Odin. He gets his pipe. Give him the pipe. She gets the projector. Wait, did you steal these from the library? They have fucking codes on the back of them. Oh, you have to bring them back to the library

Do they really? I didn't know they were fucking rented. That's awesome. All right, you know't want to take it back. It's a library on Staten Island, by the way. That is great. But aren't you going to get in trouble when nobody returns the books? I'll fucking pay for it. I don't give a shit. Yeah. Well, they're back to him now. By the way, that firefighter exam book is a hot item in Staten Island. Yep. Here we go, one, two, oh, that's how small they are. Oh, they're all bunk. Oh, here we go, and throw. Can I keep the projector?

Yes. And I keep the pipe? Whoa. That projector's worth $39. Whoa! On Amazon. Those are teeny. Whoa!

Whoa! What? Oh! What do you think I think would do with them? I'm gonna smell them, put them in my mouth and jerk off. I mean, obviously. I hope she just found those in the other room. Those are gnomes. Don't do that.

Wear them as a headband. It looks like Bane. Yeah. Only once your pussy is dry, then the underpants is mine. All right. here we go. Oh, look at that, right in the nose, too. You're a fucking animal. You hear a respirator? Beep, beep, beep, beep.

He's been diagnosed with a hard dick. Diagnosis in, he's hard as a rock. Oh, she's texting a member of Bon Jovi She goes this is where I make my stand how much is how much is projected can we please bring it up It's a Kodak luma 350 portable projector, please bring it up great. I hope it's worth $116 they smell really nice. Did you wash them first Gabby? I sprayed them with the bathrooms You piece of shit You sprayed them down, I bet they smelled musty yeah No way yeah, I told you yeah big one you can buy a package of those underwear. That's gonna be one expensive nut. Yeah

It's alright. That's expensive that this is probably one This is one of the best projectors you can get right now. Don't worry big J's probably giving you his for Christmas Yeah, but you can put those in the studio and hang them on the wall. Yeah, like a conquest Yeah, well you a couple weeks ago. She wouldn't even look at you now. She gave you a panties. How did comedy slowly breaking her down? He bucks Huh comedy central I said, how did comedy central get 350 bucks? Still making money off Broad City So you get the pipe and the panties that's agree you I think you won. What do you think he put his mouth on that?

This what we do with a pipe? He put his mouth on that too. This is what we do with a pipe, Bobby. We don't smoke and pass it around. Yeah, but he put his mouth on it. That is disgusting. I'm dreaming of a wife. Christmas. Those are not white pants. Ah! What part is that?

I don't know, which part goes in her ass? Let's see the anatomy of this underwear. This is making me laugh. This is so fucked up. These are fucking some. I feel like I've aged. Those are my ugly period underwear. Some non-sexy underwear.

That's the front. They used to be white. That's the front. I've had those since eighth grade. Oh. Those just tripled in value. Yeah. What? Oh, we didn't know this was a rookie. Oh Those just tripled in value We didn't know this was a rookie by the way, I will auction these off to any ykwd fans. I swear to God

We're gonna do an auction open auction Money left over to fill your place running on the auction. It's open right now. Yeah now Joe we all have our thing So whoever's number one, show yourself, reveal who you are, and choose a gift. Get out of here. Get out of here. Fuck. No.

Boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom. We got the boom. We got the boom. Boom, boom, boom. I'm ready for a real. Hold on. We do. Boom, boom, boom.

I'm ready for a real, hold on, I'm ready for a real ass Christmas. It doesn't matter what I pick. By the way, I'm number one. Ha, ha, ha. Me or not? What? All right. Okay, so what does he do?

What a flip flop. He picks again. I'm gonna go with this. Wait, you gotta, let's. Shut the fuck up. Where's everybody's gift? Shit your fucking mouth. No, no, no.

You just pick it. You don't say whose is whose. You don't say whose is whose. Okay, okay, go ahead. You don't say whose is whose. No, but I, whose is whose? You can make sounds your fucking mouth. No, no, no. You just pick it up. You don't say who's is who's. You don't say who's is who's. You don't say who's is who's. No, but I, who's is who's? You can make sounds when they go together. Say who's is who's again. I'm throwing a coffee mug at you.

Who's is who's? Who's is who's? Where? It doesn't even matter. It doesn't even matter where you pick it up. You can say who's is who's, though? You can say who's is who's. Can I open this now?

All right. We can't say who's is who's, but we can give clues. That's the most successful person in here, Skip. So no more babysitter talk. Good for you. No more babysitter club,itter club. I guarantee wasn't talking to you real. Okay ready open it up He's talking to his girlfriend because he's a fucking pussy whipped asshole phone is all smashed up fucking chocolate So this is like a variety gift. Oh, yeah, it's a lot. Who's is this gift Dan soda? Yeah, he reads variety every week Who's is this gift? Dan Soda! Goddamn right it is.

And he reads variety every week. Oooh! What's that, what's that, what's that? Fucking something. Clever. It's for when you drive but he doesn't have a license. So perfect. What is that? It's like a thing you can put your phone in so you can watch.

Night view sunglasses for more driving gear. That's fun. I got all driving stuff. Will you fight, will you on the road at a Walmart? And some chapstick. For my herpes. Night? It's the winter time. That doesn For my herpes. It's the winter time. That doesn't help herpes. I like that pack.

It's the Dan Soder gift pack. It's good. It's fucking good. I can't have the fucking Lidoors. So now it goes in order too? Yeah, you have that. Now at the very end, you can get any gift you want. I love it.

I tell you, you have that thing for your phone. I do, but I like the glasses. The glasses are nice. Because I drive at night on the sawmill. Oh, not a deal. Who's number two? Yes, I'm two. I'm kidding, I'm not. Number two is the worst number to have.

And who has it? And it's my goddamn game. Who's number two? And I fucking got it. Oh, Joe is number two. Joe is number two and I fucking got it Joe is number two Joe is number two Purpey Simplex 2 Why is there nothing in here? There's no wrapping. Open it up.

Open it dude. Skyline Acoustic Ultra Slim Speaker I like that. I might be taking that. Is that from you? You're an asshole. Bobby also got a speaker. She's an I'm gonna keep the high quality of OZ. It under where speaker No, Lauren Lauren's gift that we talked about. I was gonna be a certificate to see your boobs Fuck you fuck you more you're a fuck you could have done it Dave Smith was here. She would have done it Fuck you. Fuck you, Lauren.

You're a fuck, you coulda done it. If Dave Smith was here, she woulda done it. I was shot. I'm sorry, rumors. Well, I mean, she said, yeah, it was gonna be great. Kelly, sack up. Bring in those tits. Kelly's like, I'll show my tits.

You just look over there out. She's like. Hey, hey, over here, over here. Merry Christmas. Anybody? I'm here! Merry Christmas! I would have taken it and I would have looked for you. Someone please look over here!

You're all lying. How many years have you married a girlfriend? You're lying. Okay, I'm not showing my chest. You all love it. Please, anybody! You all love it. Can I have your card on the couch?

No, my boobs got better when I got pregnant. I'm not going to do that. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. Please, anybody. We all love it. Hey. Hi, on the couch. No, my boobs got better when I got fatter, so it's actually better. Kelly, who's next? Mexican guy working in the hallway.

Anybody? Jimmy Martinez. My boobs got better when I got fatter, so. Oh, yeah, they do, Kelly. All right. I want Lewis's gift. Ooh. Wow.

Lewis's gift. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Oh, yeah, they did, Kelly. All right. I want Lewis's gift. Wow. Lewis, look at that.

What are you going to do with switchblades? What are you going to do with rolled nickels? That's similar to my job. Except not as funny. That's a receipt. Call 201... Don't say the number. Oh, this is exciting. Don't say the number.

Just call it. Oh, this is exciting. You are on an NSA fly list. 201 is Rhode Island, isn't it? Or is 401? You may not leave the country for the next six months. I hope if it's a blowjob I won it. We gotta be quiet.

I wanna hear the bit here. Put it on speakerphonephone up to the microphone Is it in your phone? Hello I got come on up I go come on up Okay, thank you This is a cool gift. I don't know. Lewis always does great gifts. Lewis's gifts are the fucking shit every year. He's the other one that puts thought.

All of us walk by our right age at the last minute. This cocksucker really... I'm so nervous. I got a lighter and chapstick. By the way, CVS is pretty good for that. Now wait, we might be able to steal this. I'm six. I can take this gift. You can technically take the gift

I don't want to come up then why I don't know what it is. I I don't want him to steal it then What are you talking? I don't want to steal it The gift gonna see the gotta open the game What are you panicking for because I don't want you to steal it yet? Nobody wants anybody to do anything as no one's ever sounded sadder and more childish Literally the fucking break my siblings toy cuz mine's broken all right are they coming up? I hope it's not another Santa The dying kid what all right here we go okay OK, so my gift to the recipient of this is going to be. Wait, there's a phone on the fucking table.

Take the phone off the table. It's me. It's me. It's totally going to be a strip out. All right, here we go. Ready? What is it? It's going to be a lap dance from my good friend,

transgender porn star, Natasha Dream. I want it! I want it, I want it! Oh, I'm gonna fucking suck, I mean, I'm gonna like this dance. Wait a minute though, how do we, wait a minute, first of all, how do we know she's a transgender? Google her. No, I mean, I don't believe that,

that's actually just a girl from up the block. She's, that's not, hi honey, How you doing? You got to promote Natasha. Yeah, let's get Natasha. There's no way. Listen, we got to give her a microphone. We have a mic on the couch. Can we give her the mic? Because the mic is over there.

I did yourself. There's no way she's transgender, by the way. There's no way. Here. Come come grab a seat over here. Natasha. Yeah. Oh, we have no, no, no. Louis, can you want to you want to fucking? Yeah, you go sit on over here, Natasha. Yeah. No, no, no, Louis, can you just... Yeah, you wanna fucking... Yeah, you go sit on the couch, Louis.

Here, Natasha, you can sit on my lap. Beat it. It's fine. Kick rocks, Louis. Oh, man, I feel her balls. Wait a second, wait a second. Hi, sweet. You don't have balls?

Shut up. You have your balls removed? Wait a minute. You just have a dick? I just have a dick. What? I'm out. You can keep it.

You want the full package? I want those on Just have a dick? I just have a dick. What? I'm out. You can keep it. You want the full... I'm out. You want the full fart? I want those on my chin. I want to wet them.

I want to motorboat those nuts. Oh, fuck. If I'm going to go, I'm going. I want them whapping off my ass. How are you? What's your name? Now, what's your name for everybody? My name is Natasha Dreams.

Okay. N-A-T-A-S-S-I-A. And you've been in porn for, what are you known for? What are your porns? Tranny Surprise. Yeah, I've done Tranny Surprise. Oh, not that I know what that is. Yeah.

Wait, I don't know. Do you have the series? One through 13. Yeah, he's a fan. He's a super fan. I've done American Next Top Tranny. Transsexual Babysitters. Oh, the a super fan. What is this? I'm trying to be a transsexual babysitter. Oh, the babysitter one. Who watches that?

Wait, so who was on the phone with the babysitter? Was it with the bald guy? Yes. How do you know? Are you the bald guy? Bobby. Oh! Baby, it's been so long!

Baby, I missed you. I missed you inside of me. Oh, inside of you, me too. Listen, I am so sorry I'll never throw anything at you again or fake it. You have to feel like her body feels phenomenal. Buddy, I know. You have no idea.

Oh, I do. Phenomenal. You're like Santa with alopecia. Yeah. So, hold on, here's the thing, Scopo has her right now. I have her. But I got six motherfuckers. And God, Jesus, has shown me the way, has shined a light upon Bobby.

He's given me an FX development heal, and the woman of my dreams has come to me. Praise Jesus! Praise Jesus! Praise Jesus, praise Jesus, Lord Jesus Christ. I did not see Lauren's titties, but I did see her penis with no balls. But all you need is for Tim to have a higher number than you. Tim, if you fuck me on this.

No, listen, Tim's not into this game. Tim's into dudes. Yeah, I'm gonna let Bobby have this. Hang on a second. Here's the thing. I feel like Ben Scalpo and Bobby might be battling. But it's like an old fucking adage if you take a tranny from someone on Christmas.

I don't know what the rest is. That's bad luck for 17 years. I wanna say something here though. Is that like when you break the mirror? Yeah. Baby dough. Yes, honey. How you doing, mama dough? Good, how are you? How you doing, mama dough?

Good, how are you? I'm actually really horny today. I don't know if the cold weather just makes me. I shouldn't make that face. Maybe I shouldn't make the shock. I need some body heat. You need some body heat. Body heat.

That's my favorite movie. That's also the name of this episode. It has to be. Who's getting the, are you guys playing the who's getting the hard first game? Yes. Alright so who's next? You should look at her penis, it's phenomenal.

Can I see it? No she won't whip it out on the show. No I mean can I see it? Where's my phone? You have to Google it. Yeah we'll Google it. Definitely. I wasn't pointing at her.

Can I see it? I didn't know you had your balls removed. I didn't know that was a thing. I tried to do that with my dog. Can we put it up on the computer? Hang on real quick. They would do it because he's 12. I tried to do it with my dog. Can we put it up on the computer? Hang on real quick. They were doing it because it's squalled. Really?

Yeah. Yeah, spell it. How old is your dog? He's 11. They wouldn't take his balls off. Yeah, you got to do it when you're young. Yeah. That's right.

Before the... Yeah. Now, why did you... Can I ask, why did you have your balls removed? Because it stops your testosterone. So you have to take less hormone replacement, which is better for your liver, better for your... So now, are your nuts out and you have the sack

with little fake ones or the whole thing? No, well, I'm thinking about getting it. Or do you look like a baby? No, it's just like a little skin there. You can't really see it. So you have no dangle or nothing? There's no, not really. Nothing?

All right, so there's nothing to hold onto. But that's probably like a look. But you know what? It's almost like a vagina lip, you know? Take off of your penis, and have a vagina lip. All right, let me, what's going on with this? Because I want to see your, I never thought I'd say this. I really want to see your penis.

Where is it? Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. She. Oh. Oh. Wow. She smells like a unicorn. How do you know what a unicorn smells like? You don't know what a unicorn is, do you? That's the gift, he's getting the gift.

Oh wow. Oh my goodness. Bob, Bob, Bob, how'd you not choose that, Bobby? Are you kidding me? You fucking kept the speaker, you idiot. He's getting the speaker. Yeah. All right, I got a little smell. I got a little. Bobby are you kidding me you fucking kept up speaker you idiot I got a little smell I got a little oh my she smells fucking oh my god She smells guys. Why'd you give it away?

I'm fluffing up a little bit watching you with her is that weird buddy listen to me you better fucking Let me tell you something don't chase it because this guy might fucking take it if you take it I'll fucking love you forever. It'll be the funniest thing ever in the world, but Dude, you better. Thank me you smell so good. It'd be the ultimate Kelly you gotta fucking take it Do you ever fuck women too? Of course. Yeah. Do you ever fuck Kelly's? No, I was better than it was. Okay, here we go.

I'm number nine. Number nine, here we go. I'm going to look at what gift I should choose. Are there any gifts? The paper bag or the card? Oh, that's interesting. What is Deepu's and then a picture? Don't go, just from last year, don't go Deepu's.

No, no, but Deepu, let me tell you something. Deepu's was awful last year. Deepu might have fucking felt bad about that. I wanna choke slam him through a table for his last, he made me eat vegetable burritos from Taco Bell. Boom. He got vegan tacos. Soggy, soggy vegetable burritos.

I don't know, it's very hard, but I think I'm gonna go with this paper bag. Okay, let's see what it is. I'm gonna go with the paper bag. He's opening the bag. I just eat the bag. He's opening the bag What is a bag of blow what is it I don't smoke it's a pipe it's not $20 worth Who did that Lewis that ball worth

20 20 bucks. Okay. There you go. Solid. I like that. And you can put that in your ass too. Tim, Tim, you can trade. Yeah, you can trade. For Oculus. You can have this. So, you're gonna give up Oculus for this? You don't have that. He doesn't have a choice. Is that true? I can't give up anything.

You choose whatever you think anything. The whole thing is to fuck people over. What did you say? I want the Oculus. You can trade. I was joking. You take it. You smoke still?

You're an idiot. It's a good trade. It's a great trade. You're an take it you're an idiot you're a fuck oh I didn't make him decide I just like saying the word well here but you can still get stolen by Kelly or Lewis here we go we got it we got it we got to go now number oh this wallet is on the table I just say this listen to how quiet Scopo is right now. This guy has a full-on hard-on. Just trying hard to just not be...

He's trying not to rock the boat. Yeah, I'm not saying a word. We've got to move it along for time-wise. Have you guys ever... Can I ask you a question, to be honest? Have you guys ever hooked up? Me and her? Yeah.

No, but there's a sexual energy here, isn't there? I can feel it. You guys are made for each other. What is it? She's got one... Look at her finger. One fingernail is painted different, and that's the one that goes up your butt while she's blowing you so she doesn't forget. What is it? Prostate orgasm right at the back. Prostate orgasm. I think, I think. I hope it's a gym membership. Correct me if I'm wrong Deepu, is this a one way ticket to Washington? It's a bus ticket to Maryland yeah why one way just one way for what it's the gift of travel it's a gift to travel I like it

Kelly if you fucking if you don't fucking you are not funny fucking Kelly kill you you don't you're not funny kill you'll never come back on the show I will fucking Kelly if you don't trade. You'll never come back on the show. I will fucking kill you. If you don't trade, you'll never... Bobby shut the fuck up! ...ever be back on the show. Ever will you be back on the show. Kelly, you have given the gift of setup.

That you... ...cannot. Kelly's not allowed to cross borders because of her lease or whatever. Kelly, I will rat you out. I will rat you out to the government. Kelly can't fit in a bus seat. Sorry, miss. We're going to need two tickets from you. You know, for a long time here, you guys always talked about revenge, huh? Kelly, what do you want me to do, Bob?

I want you to do the right thing. Me too. Don't take this from scope Oh, what do you she's not gonna enjoy it? Yes, she will Well, no, here's the truth here's the way that I feel about it right Natasha, I don't want her to be wasted on fucking Kelly You know, I feel like scope or you are the ones that I wanted to have this gift I want to yeah, but that's not what the Yankee Swap is about, bro. I know, but Kelly's...

We're not buying gifts for each other. We're buying gifts for comedy. But Kelly's just like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey a little comfortable and it comes out you have to put it in your mouth that's the deal the moral of the story is that this gift is dog shit it might be the worst gift ever it's pretty bad I got a fucking car The bus leaves tomorrow 8 a.m He's funnier than everybody in the room He just M night Shyamalan does he's the funniest I mean he's she Dude you bought a bus ticket to Maryland at 8 a.m. What an Can you can you transfer that ticket though nonrefundable, non-transfer.

Oh, you're a c***. He just wasted $20 to f*** someone. I'll tell you this. Listen. I would like to see the bus tonight. People really go. I find public transportation to be very interesting. Dad, dad, dad, I don't know what to do.

Last year's Yankee swap, mom's idea is stuck and I got a lot of shit do you remember what I gave to you on your 12th Christmas wait a minute was a gift of travel it's Christmas and my heart is always full of love and joy right and cholesterol hilarious if I took something away from someone that's all right I couldn't do it to him okay good, good for you, I get you, I understand. What are you gonna take? I'm gonna take the speakers, please. Whoa, what the fuck do I get fucked for? I got fucked. That is a good double fucking.

What the fuck, you motherfucker? You're never coming on the show again, Scope. It's worth it. Merry Christmas. You have the most money besides Soder and me and Lewis. You don't need a gift. You have everything you need right at home. I'm gonna take this to Washington

and go fucking blow a tranny. Quickly. Isn't it? We got Joe List, AKA The Truth, AKA Baby Mouth, AKA Dian. I found the numbers, 256. That's fucking huge. Dude, that's high. Joe, that's high enough to go on cholesterol medicine.

No, standard range, I can't hear myself, am I on? Turn the fucking headphones on. You're a fucking headphone. Standard range 100 to 199. Yeah. You're above it. I told you why. 56 points.

57 points above. My doctor said my cholesterol was moving in the wrong direction for a while. He goes, you're about to cross the threshold into bad. That's what's gonna happen. You're on the threshold. You're past the threshold. You gotta get it down to be preventative.

You have two choices. You can do it all on your own or we can also put you on medicine to help. And I said, just put me on the meds and I'll change my diet. I did both. I'm changing my diet. Yeah.

You're muck banging this episode of You Know What, Dude. This is my first slice in a while. In a week? You said you just got the results a week ago. No, it was the Monday before Thanksgiving. I'm like, I'm gonna turn behind me. You wanted a dramatic ending. Why do you gotta always enter angry?

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the rattlesnake, AKA the skank, the king skank right over here. Give him a bad nickname too though. Give shit on us. Don't give him just good names. I was getting there you sensitive fucking tit-it motherfucker. Ah! AKA the dirty fucking no dad Spaniard.

There you go. You gotta pick a hat, Lou. What up dog? What up doggy? This is usually Louis's hat right there. I save it for you. But you can pick whatever hat you want. You want this one?

Lewis, we found out that a... Too small, try it. We found out that List has the cholesterol of an investment banker. Yeah. I don't like... How's your cholesterol? I think it's all right.

I don't like that you just blew DeRosa off like he's an open mic'er. I saw DeRosa before. I saw you. Yeah, but he just went like this. Yeah, get away. He didn't like the hat I was offering. There you go.

That's the hat you should wear right there. Look at that sensual ass hat. Oh my God. He looks good in it. Yeah, get away. He didn't like the hat I was offering. There you go. That's the hat you should wear. Right there. It doesn't fit. Look at that sensual-ass hat. Oh, my God. He looks good in it. He carries pink well. My triglycerides are normal. What? You don't even know what that is. It should be.

You don't drink. My LDL, that's pretty good. How's your HIV? Oh, fuck. Am I dying? Should I get something going? Hold on to that, man. I got it right here. Well, then his fucking physician wants him out of the way.

He didn't even suggest any fucking treatment. He's like, oh, you're fine. Don't worry about it. She texted and was like, hey, it's a little high. Your physician, a hitman? You're higher than mush. That should be alarming. She's like, you should eat more sandwiches, high fatty sandwiches before bed. Yeah, and by the way, in your cholesterol defense, you did...

Higher cholesterol than fucking mush? Yeah. You told me on Taste Buds that you eat chicken parmesan once a day. No, I just... He's made of egg yolk. I used to eat mac and cheese, but here's what I've done so far. I stopped putting butter on a bagel. That's good.

Butter on a bagel is bad. A dry ass bagel. Butter's not good. You just took away the only time you should use butter. But here's the thing. I was eating a cupcake a day, a brownie a day, chicken parm every day, a full box of Manny Scouts. Are you an elf? Are you saying as elf?

It's gonna plum it. Hell, you're gonna plum it to the fucking ground. I stir my coffee with a candy cane. Joe eats like Tom Hanks when he got big and big. If you saw an adult eating like that, you're like, did you wish to be big at a carnival? Joe's like, what do I exercise? I have a trampoline inside of my apartment.

Whatever, pot heads. Oh! Yeah. Yeah. Either way, maybe if you're in a pot, it'll break your shitty cholesterol down. By the way, that should scare you that your cholesterol is higher than people in the munchies who have a damn good fucking basis. Look at me. You're higher feel the little part of it and break your shitty cholesterol down. By the way, that should scare you that your cholesterol is higher than the people in the munchies.

Look at me, you're higher than that! Where's your cholesterol? It's like 190. What? You're gonna die! His neck is sweaty! He walked up here an hour ago. He has to carry his cholesterol in a separate bag. No, cholesterol is not stress. Blood pressure's stress, I think. So with cholesterol, is this the fact that you eat

chicken parm once a day? Yeah, I eat every meal I have is covered in cheese. Yeah, dude, that's not good. So is my act, folks. Hey. Hey. You have a joke about eating everything with cheese. You're taking this well, dude.

Yeah, that's right. You know my act. Doggie. I love you. You're taking this well, dude. When your blood pressure went high when we were getting the IVs in Florida, you had to fucking, like, you had to leave the house for 25. Well my blood, no I went to McDonald's for everybody.

No you took the blood pressure. Blood pressure was high? It's like, hey I'm gonna go get science food for everybody. You're gonna need a double quarter pounder with cheese. Guys I need to wash this down, I need to wash down this news with a Big Mac and a McFlurry. I'm taking action and it's gonna be better. The nurse, the nurse came over to do our IVs and you have to do blood pressure beforehand. Joe was so alarmed and then he went to the supermarket to get supplies for the house

and whoever you were with took pictures of him in the supermarket at the fucking blood pressure machine. My blood pressure's bad. You gotta get that down dude. That's why Keith had two strokes. I know, I'm 40. He's 79. He's black. It's worse. It's worse. That's why you gotta nip this in the bud now. I know I'm 40. He's 79. Black. It's worse. It's worse. That's where you're gonna nip this in the bud now. I'm nipping my friend. When you're nipping that pizza, he went on this fucking shit. Gonna take you five hours. Eat that pizza with that little mouth. It's like leaving it in

a cake. I'll get some medicine. You know, I hope you stroke out on the podcast today. I hope I had a dream that Joe that dude, I had the most fucked up dream about Joe and I texted Joe as soon as I woke up. I had a dream we were walking in New York City, you know how there's like the metal, like the stairs to go down in front of like a lot of like stores, like it'll be like baseball stairs. Yeah, we know how that is. Why are you talking to us like we're stupid?

We get it. I think some people that don't run from New York City wouldn't be able to imagine what that is. Yeah, Bob, there's an audience. Yeah, dude. Yeah, but he's saying it's stupid. He's going, you know how this is. The gas digital page.

Stop fucking pausing. Just spit it out. So I had a dream that Joe, it was open. He wasn't looking. We were just talking. And then he fell through the, the, the, the cellar. Why are you pausing? What?

Why are you doing that? But then he fucking hit his fucking, he didn't't have a chin But he hit his chin on the other side of the thing So his head snapped back and he just fucking Tom secured at the bottom of the fucking thing. I died. Yeah, dude Not enough you were dead, but then I remember be like The girl dies cholesterol is too high He had 257 Yeah, yeah. Stop it. This was a dream. I swear to God. His cholesterol was too high.

Yes, Sigerra died. He had 257 cholesterol. You didn't hear about that? Dude, Tom's gone. It's not funny. Dude, go. You didn't hear about it? That's crazy.

He did not die. Buddy. I'm looking up right now. Look it up. It happened. Dude, last night you didn't- I swear on Bobby Kelly's son's life that Tom Sigerra is dead. I also swear on Bobby's son's life.

Stop it. You're going to be laughing. It's not going to be funny if he actually is dead. What a fucking reaction to Tom Zagura being dead. Buddy, he's gone. That's how you're giving it away. Buddy, he had a fucking show. You're a bad actor?

No, he wouldn't have made that joke right then. Yes, I would. He wouldn't? I hate Tom Zagura. Good riddance. Buddy. No, I love Tom. He's one of my favorite people I've met. He's overselling it. Whatever, dude. I didn't know. Oh, look, show me. Mush is on his phone.

Show me. We actually have a... Don't try to make a quick fucking... Hey, Joe, we have a computer with a lady behind it. Bring it up. Producers are really fucking crack shots over there. What am I going to do? Hit her?

She's a woman. I used to be able to yell at Mush. I can't yell at her. She'll fucking cancel me. We'll see the fucking headline. I mean, it takes a fucking... Do we have internet? He's not dead.

Dr. Steve is in a fight. Dude, he's... Buddy, are you friends with him? I didn't know you were friends with him. I'm friendly Yeah, I mean I'm friendly with him too, and I'm sad about it, but I'm not no Bobby went to friendlies with All right, whatever Nicole's not bringing it up. I don't know what doctor Steve Nicole bring it at what dr. C said I'm okay. Yeah, bring it up. What? Dr. Steve said I'm okay. Yeah, you mean Dr. Steve? Don't move on to Dr. Drew. No. You know Dr. Steve is on meth, right?

And he was like, yeah, you want to get on Lipitor. Yours is higher than you saying. No, it's not, Joe. It's 50 less. Hey, we're doing a podcast. Spit it in the microphone, fucker. I am. It's literally in the range of normal.

I'm looking at it. You're in Bobby Kelly at the kitchen table mode right now. This is how you used to be when we first started this podcast. You know what made me? I'll tell you what makes me mad about you. And I created this podcast with you. Wow. Oh!

This is how you used to be. What the fuck? This is Joe's podcast. This is Joe's podcast. This is Joe's podcast. This is my podcast. Joe List is going to die. Joe List is going to die.

Can I just spin something real quick? Tom Segura is dead. Tom Segura is dead. Tom Segura is dead. Tom Segura is dead. No, this is a cl- A total cholesterol level of 240 or above is high. A normal cholesterol level is under 200. How about to Tom Segura?

Your cholesterol is 265. 56. I understand my tie. I'm saying yours is it. What? Then the whole Tom Segura thing's a mystery. We don't know. It's, yeah.

You know what? You're normal. What's that country singer? What's the guy? What's the country singer? What's his name? Tobe Keith. Garth Brooks. They said he might have been involved. In what? In Sigourney's death? I swear to God. When they passed away, he met with him yesterday.

So we're gonna see a headliner. Hey, can you do me a favor? Can you burn your coat? It's a fucking great coat. Yeah, if you're Jeanine Garofalo. I've worn that for two days last year. Huh? Jeanine Garofalo?

You went to Jeanine Garofalo with that fucking lesbian sweater you're wearing right now? Yeah, this is a joke. This is a joke. I'm dressed as a fucking asshole. Isn't it the only thing that fits? For the podcast. What? Oh my God.

Hey, Joe. I lost a lot of weight. How dare you? I know, but you're still husky. I am a little husky. Joe has female comic arms. I do. Ooh, that hurt!

I'm hungry. I'm starving. I'm doing intermittent fasting. I'm starving right now. I can't have carbs. Can we get me something that's not carbs? What do you need? If you do intermittent fasting, you can't have carbs. I know, dude. I'm just fucking... that's not carbs? What do you need? If you do intermittent fasting, you can have carbs. I know, dude, I'm just fucking, I'm dying right now. What's intermittent fasting?

Dude, I fucking eat in an eight hour window. What do you want? Protein shake? Something that will work. Okay, can we get him a protein shake? Works, let's you have it. Is it healthy? It's very healthy.

I mean, what's healthy? Intermittent fasting. So what if I eat from like 4 p.m. to 11 p.m.? Yeah, it's fine, just that's your window. And it's not like, so eat 80 Whoppers in that window, but you can have like- The world's the list of life like a Python in the fucking Amazon.

He sheds his skin once a month. They put a Joey Rose's sandwich in his fucking cage just once a day. I wish he would shed his skin, this one's stuck. Yeah, there he is, he's back, Joe's back. Joe is back, Joe is back, Joe is back. Joe is back, Joe is back, Joe is back. Joe never left, Joe never left. Joe didn't really show up.

Yes he did. Joe was just upset for a little bit. I will let you know, if I do die first, you will all probably be asked to do the benefit for money for my mom. We're gonna go down to the police force. Here's why I'm not gonna. How many years?

Like three, and then we'll be all right. If you can find out the day you were gonna die, the exact date. Thanks, buddy. Right? Didn't fucking Dana White get that recently? He saw some doctor, and they, Muscle Milk? Yeah, dude, why?

What's wrong with that? It's the worst, like the only one that nobody drinks Muscle Milk. That's crazy. Why? Why? No, let him know. Why? It's part of the Orange Theory.

Why? Well, what do you want? Why it's part of the orange theory why? What do you want Shit, what's wrong with muscle milk? Why it's a grossest one the only one it's vanilla and chocolate making me sick thinking about it is it sugar free? What do you want? Which one do you want? I mean? What? Ready? What do you want? Which one do you want? I mean, there's one. That's gotta be a GIF, a GIF, whatever you call it. Somebody made that into something. A meme?

That was fucking perfect. All right, listen, listen. So Joe, you're the pick. I'm about to tell you why I'm not gonna die first. Why? Because I'm gonna have the flame caught in your throat. Yeah, your throat is dying now. Because the flame gets it's way up.

It's like, I'm gonna die. Yeah, because I'm the only one in this room. I've been throwing enough cocaine and eating caper cola. A purple Coca-Cola should help you out. Don't extend the end of your life. Your throat tried to choke you to death just now. Because I'm the only one in this room. Oh, God. Ready?

I can tell you why I'm not going to hear it. Because I'm the only one in this room that was smart enough to diversify his life. You're all going to die on the fucking road, all of you. Because you're all so committed to being stand-ups. You're all going to die on the fucking road. I don't think we did that because- Louis Gohmerton, you're not committed to being a stand-up. No, we didn't do that.

I'm more of a podcaster. We did that because- I have a merch line. We're successful at it. No, wait, except for Louis, you all are successful at stand-ups. You had to pick another career. I'm a voice treminalist, so I- Yeah, you had to pick another career. He's got a voice treminalist. I'm a voice treminalist. I'm a voice treminalist. I'm a voice line. We're successful at it. No, wait, except for Lewis, you all are successful. You had to pick another career.

I'm a voice trimentalist, so I, uh... Yeah, you had to pick another career to make sound. I'm co-headlining with Aaron Berg. Hello? Joe, it's a good point. None of us have any income other than being on the road. Yes. Yeah, Joe.

You're going to be taste-pisting. Do you really think that's true? Yes. 100%. Okay. Joe, what? I make more money podcasting. No, not you.

I left you out of this. You. What do you got? I own a piece of the Comedy Cell of Vegas. You're going to point at me? I have a percentage of the Comedy Cell of Vegas. Are you going to point at me? No, you don't.

Joe, you're not making any money. Bet me. Bet me. Bet me. Bet me. Look at me, Joe. What about radio? That'll end.

Yeah, it will. And you'll be on the road. Joe, Joe, bet me. I don't make money. I'll show you the money. How much? How much? How much? They give Bobby three boxes of frozen wings. Show me whatever you want. I don't believe you. I don't know, Bobby, here's a quarter. You're an owner. I don't believe you. How much? Doesn't matter. I don't believe you. Bet me. I don't believe you. I believe you bet me. I don't believe you bet me you have Shitty Bobby I get to burn that Bobby cuz you're gonna die on the road. It's not my fault. It's not my fault You're gonna die You're playing his game cuz we all know Joe's gonna be in a kid, right trying some mortadell I'm gonna be at all islands on salami money

And a little waiter a little waiter and a hat is gonna go excuse me signor did you hear mr. Souther is dying in the brass text me he was doing a Russian accent on stage and he killed over guys Joe got Kate Quigley fucking pussy Joe fucking Joe choked himself enough trying to call the 400th guy boss that walked through his store. Hey boss! What can I get? Can you please, by the way, can you please support me with these pussies that they coke? I'm sorry dude. Like talk about coke.

Don't try to get a drug buddy, we're having fun. Oh stop it. Yeah, Tony Montana. Why don't you calm down. Yeah, coke rules. It is pretty right. Pretty fucking sweet. But you have the least healthy lifestyle of anyone here. But you're, Joe, here's the thing. I don't understand what you think,

like what do you think doing drugs once in a while has done to me? I like that it's once in a while. What? It went from never to like, No, I'm saying, I'm saying, I do snow Saturday. I'm saying like, I don't do Coke every day. I've done I do snow Saturday. I'm saying like I don't wake.

I don't do coke every day. I've done it in my life. That's what Joe says. And Joe, you're going to the bathroom. But you're saying there just putting up you drank. You drank like an animal. Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, And that's why I keep this pen just in case I snort the wrong thing. His lifestyle, he's a healthy person. Hold on, hold on.

Anyway, I was saying. Lewis has partied harder than any of us in this room. I remember one time I partied so hard, where we were at, and I woke up like- Lewis showed up at Sal's wedding on Special K. He took it on the train. I did, dude. You know what this man does? It was on a roller coaster in heaven. What are you doing? You ever do special K on a train by yourself on the way to one of the impractical Joker's weddings?

You know what's even better is Lewis coming in hot on special K into a cabin that you're taking a nap in. My point is this, saying you used to, you could say it about Bobby, you could say it about him, you know what I mean? Like what is you, Steph, doing? Joe, it's because you currently use cocaine. Yeah. No, I don't you used to, you could say it about Bobby, you could say it about him, you could say it about, you know what I mean? Like, what does used to have to do with it? Joe, it's because you currently use cocaine. Yeah. No, I don't currently. No, you're saying, we're saying you use too much cocaine. Yeah.

No, I don't. Use too. Oh, okay. We got it. Did you, do you still do cocaine? No, I haven't done cocaine, I did it, well here's what happened, when I do cocaine, Oh, the glasses came off.

No, no, no, when's the last time you did it? I get stye. I get stye. Okay, when's the last time you did it? Like two and a half years ago. You had a stye a month and a half ago. Two and a half years ago. Louis.

I swear to God. Louis. Louis. Whenever I was at the Freakin' Cave with Colin Turrell. That was the last time. Damn, you threw Colin Turrell to the best. He's over here on the work. We did drugs.

When's the last time you've done a hard drug? I did a tiny bit of Kay at Skankfest, and I hated it. And I was like, no, I'm not going to do it. OK. Like a little tiny. By the way, K is fucking. So how is that any better than my thing? K is healthy.

Doctors are prescribing it, Joe. I don't know what K is. What is K? Ketamine. It's a knockout horse. It's horses. It's horse tranquilizer. Hey, you guys are doing drugs at knockout horses,

and you think your heart's going to be all right? When are we doing these presents? Oh yeah, we gotta, all right, relax. We're only gonna have your presents for another couple years. All right, we gotta, all right, let's focus. All right, what, okay.

I just say this, I think this is a great hang. Possibly un-listenable. We've had multiple conversations going on. Yeah, it's terrible. I've had some zings that have been through some, just overstepping. I know. What the fuck happened to you there?

That was crazy. I don't know, fuck happened to you there? That was crazy. I don't know, I died. You died? His antlers in his hand. All right, what are we doing, presents first? No, we're gonna do the rose thorn. Rose thorn. Rose thorn seed.

Seed, are you? We always do rose thorn seed last. Do we? We always do the presents first, then we do the... All right, let's do the presents. Because it gets hard to help. Okay, we'll do the presents first. Okay, we're gonna...

You got the numbers already? Please, yes we do. Are they in this? What? Please? Let's do the presence first. We'll do the presence first. Okay. We're going to... You got the numbers already? Yes, we do. Are they in this? What? Nicole, are you in it? Yeah. All right.

Nicole's and Mush's in it. Nicole's in it? Fuck. Well, they're always in it. They're always in it. Is that the one who texted me? Yeah. New rule.

Whoever texts me is getting a dick pic back. New rule? Who are you, Bill Barr? New rule. Yeah, I treat young people in the business really nice. Hold on. Let me just text Lewis real quick. Yeah, Lewis, I texted you. New rule. Who are you, Bill Barr? New rule. Yeah, I treat young people in the business really well. Let me just text Lewis real quick. Yeah, Lewis, I texted you.

Wow, what was that? This is the Echo Show. Bobby is a fucking... Let me say what Bobby's a scumbag is. Imagine... What is this? It's from... Oh, you actually bought this. Yeah, your imagination. What is that?

The same shit... Oh, no, no, that's Dan's. You piece of shit. That's a retina? Wow, what's so funny about that? I'm fucking bullshit. Dude, I almost did the same thing. I'm gonna tell you right now, that sat under my desk at my house since two years ago. Yeah, I don't want this. And then I was like, I was like, they're like, hey, it's Yankee Swap on Monday. And I go, oh, it's still in the bag. You read, that's my bag? Look, even my thing that I wore last year.

You mother fucker. Wait, so what is that thing? I have the same shit. I don't want this at all. It's awesome. It's a fuck. I don't use Alexa. I don't use that shit, dude.

No, you use cocaine. You guys, John Connor over here doesn't trust the machine. Fuck you. You didn't use it either, you piece of shit. No, I didn't use that shit, dude. It's fucking spying on me. No, you use cocaine. Hey, John Connor. You guys, John Connor over here doesn't trust the machine. Fuck you. You didn't use it either, you piece of shit. No, I didn't. I gave it to Joe. Wait, I didn't use it. You gave it to who?

I gave it to Joe. It's my best. You get to. No, I know. Somebody's getting this at the end. Did you use yours? That's an Alexa. Alexa.

Yeah, you can play music, news. Yeah, and it can spy on you and take all your... By the way, I use my Alexa. I've never opened up the video when you got me. What's the point of the video? Because you can watch movies on it. You can put news on it. Can I give this to my son?

Yes. You can use this? Yes. You can learn shit? Yes. Can he Google if Santa's real? Because he's a belter. No.

He plays with Santa? Dude, he does. Dude. Watch a fucking movie on this. Yes. It's a tiny. Watch a movie. When you're at your kitchen table, you're making eggs.

You want to say, Alexa, play nude. Alexa, play Hay-fil-A. It's also outdated. It's two years. When I gave it to him, it wasn't. Why didn't you open it last year? Oh, no, I forgot. All right, I'm number two.

Piece of shit. Dance. Joe's number two. What are you going to do? All right, Joe's up. I can't put that hurt.. All right, I'm number two. Piece of shit. Dan's show. Joe's number two. What are you gonna do? All right, Joe's up. I can't, that hurt. I'm gonna tell Don. I'm telling Don.

It's the funniest one. It's the funniest one. It has Don's name on it. Yeah, I know. See, who is this from? No one's ever beaten Deepu, who got a one-way busting into Baltimore. That was the greatest.

Rest in peace. Now I always have very good ones, by the way. Yeah, that was the best one. By the way, Deepu one time gave a vegetarian burrito from Tom's house. That was a good one. Depot was the best. We're going to have Mush. You have lower cholesterol than me?

I do. Get out of here. Let's see. All right, here we go, Mush. Ready? You have higher cholesterol than me. What are you calling that? It looks like he puts up concert stages.

No, that's a wrap. A wrap of the wrap. Whoa! Dude! Wait, there's more! There's more in the bag! Every year, the same shit. It's another dildo. There's more in the bag. More in the wrap. Whoa! Every year, every year the same shit. It's another dildo.

More in the bag. More in the bag. Another dildo. Here's some lube. Here's a gift card. Is that from you, Joe? Same shit over here. No imagination.

What is it? $20 gift card to Starbucks. Lewis, show that to my girlfriend. Have you seen all the Matrixes? What is it? I'm not going to pick it. What is it? It's a $20 Starbucks card.

Lewis, this is why you take the gift it? I'm not gonna pick it. What is it? It's a $20 Starbucks card. Lewis, this is why you take the gift from two years ago and then bring it. That's it, Joe, who the fuck wants this evidence? I tell you who wants it, him. He's trying to buy a dick for himself without buying it for himself. That's why his blood pressure's so high.

It's all hot and bothering him. Yeah, he's getting Starbucks and then sticking that in his asshole. Dude, if I brought that home to my girlfriend and she used it with any sort of pleasure, I would kick her in her stomach. You'd have to. She's mentioned being...

What are you doing? You keeping it or you want... Why don't you get a steamer? You want that? You want this? Get a steamer. No, I don't want to make Bobby mad, so I'm gonna hold onto this.

Oh, what a dork. We're good soldiers. And because last year I got something good, I ended up with a sandwich, so I'm gonna try to stay with this. You love that sandwich. I bet that sandwich didn't make it downstairs. That was your sandwich. It was a good with this. You love that sandwich. I bet that sandwich didn't make it downstairs. It was a good sandwich.

It was a good sandwich. I bet that sandwich didn't even make it to the fucking corner. I asked Joe to make a special sandwich for the YKD. He goes, nah, dude, we can't do that. No, because you called me in the middle of, I was fucking, I was in the middle of trying to keep the fucking business open.

I was trying to help you. You called me on the spot, you're like, dude, you're doing like a bit. I'm like, bro. I said I needed a special sandwich for this. And you know what it takes. Joe's got to go away. He's got to let the sandwich come to him.

This should be illegal. I mean, I want to have a truce. I love you. I care about you. Dude, it's my turn to pick your gift. We're having fun. No, this is bullshit. Why is it bullshit?

The movies suck, and no one has DVDs. Yeah, no one has a Blu-ray. You gave us bad movies and an old disco. You guys are in. You should have gave him an A-track. has a Blu-ray. You gave us bad movies and an old system. You guys are in... You should have gave him an A-track. That would have been fucking better. You guys are in the entertainment business,

and you should be procuring physical media. We just watch gay movies about a surfer in space. This is why a special doesn't mean anything anymore. This is why there's no money in anything anymore, because nobody's supporting what the fucking needs to do to... Oh, shut up, Bill Hicks. No, you release a special, you tore off... We're all making a lot of money.

Dan's got his gift, everybody. Literally, everyone's a special. You tore off. We're all making a dance. Got his gift, everybody. Everyone's killing it. My gift, please. What's your gift? Are you last? Yeah, I'm last. Joe, I thought you already won. You pass him that gift.

It's your gift, too. No, no, it's not. That's his gift. But his gift is this gift. It's a bag of fucking business. This is to muscle milk. I'm going throw it again. I hope it's, I've never won a...

What? What? Wow. That was impossible. That was the best one. Wow. That was like a magic trick. Wow.

That was awesome. Holy shit. That was awesome. I think, no, you gotta keep those, dude. That's amazing. That was so good. I was so happy. I don't think I've ever been more happier with a reveal. That's amazing. Oh, you got to keep those, dude. That's amazing. That was so good. I was so happy.

I don't think I've ever been more happier with a reveal. That was amazing. That was a magic trick. That was like Harrison Greenbaum. Joe does magic. What are you going to talk in the microphone so we can hear you? That's the real gift? We can't hear you.

That's the real gift. I spent 80 bucks on a dildo. Shut up. Okay, what are you going to do? Nothing to do bucks on a dildo. Shut up. Okay, what are you going to do? Nothing to do with this, just side story. What are you going to do? His name is Hanan. Run-on?

What? Hanan? I'm going to take the massager. Piece of shit. Ah, you get muscle milk. Muscle milk. Oh! Is that it?

Oh, my God. Get the hat. Fuck off! Muscle milks. Can we trade? Muscle milks. Joe can trade. It was a funny joke. Is that oh my god fuck off Muscle milk trade muscle milk joke and trade. It was a funny joke until it landed on me This yes right here the muscle milk's behind you. It doesn't have any it does not have any buttons. It doesn't have any buttons. Now you should get your computer retarded calendar. I think you want the matrix back that way it's a net zero. I hate the name matrix. I mean too it's the worst thing I've ever seen. Joe DeRose yeah. Oh yeah! give it up

You can't say your number just pick it back. Yeah, but you know number Connor Fucking no, big in Connor he's the fucking sweetest guy in the world you didn't buy a fucking yeah I don't care I you know God took them from you person good mom too what side is either victim or your fucking mom special my bad he borrowed them kidding me you can't look at your number no you can't show yeah no I definitely can't look at your number. Yes, I just looked at mine. Damn it! Wait, we can't look at our number? No. Fuck my ass. I looked at mine.

You can't show it. You can't show it. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I definitely looked at mine. You can't show it. Deepu, you got yours? Hold on, what are the numbers you got? Number one is best.

Okay, now. Number one is best. No, not number one. Yes, man. Number one picks the thing first. And then they go back at the end and they get number one to best. Hold on. We go from worst to best.

I have the worst number, which is number two. Okay, that's the worst So I got three Right here. John is number three. I can fuck my god. I got number four will is four Who's five? I'm five deep. Oh, yeah number six Coming up six. Yes, Louis. J. Good. That's number seven Okay, seven number eight is the brain dance Number nine is Connor Bob nine and I got number

I want that gift right there Louis. I want yours. Mine's is in there. I want that gift right there, Louis. I want yours. You don't mind right now? I want it right now. I'm opening it right now, all right? You're opening them one by one? Open them one by one. I want Louis' gift.

Be careful, be very careful. Be very careful. Be very careful. Okay. Let's go, let it go. What's in it, a fucking E-Clair? So this is Robert Kelly opening a Louis-bot gift. It's a Louis J. Gomez gift.

It's a movie, the interview. Fuck you! What? It's a live animal! I don't wanna fish. It's the movie, the interview. Fuck you! What? It's a live animal! I don't wanna fish. It's baby James. It's a fucking... Oh Jesus.

He's praying he doesn't get it back. His name is Dude. He got a fucking fighting fish. Ah, that's fucking awesome. That's crazy. And you can't eat it. No, you can do whatever you want with it. His name is Dude, and there's there's food in there as well

Somewhere that's retarded it's a great gift put that on the Tree's hat you want to pick my gift My gift yes, I don't know what kind of doing right now. Well. He went walk 20 minutes He was late 30 minutes for the show You can take whatever you want You pick that fish you want to put mine, but it's just gonna get taken from me anyway No, not necessarily bro. Oh if it's good. It's gone fucking swiping it Soul you're taking mine I'm taking yours, but just gonna get taken from me and I get stuck with the fish cuz I got the shit number

You're gonna love mine is the shit If I get a fish I'm stepping on mine's the shit Lewis would love mine if I get the fish I'm feeding it to my rattlesnake Lewis would love my Dan would love mine. All right. Can I have my moment in the Sun? Sorry fuck. it's the truth opening up a dance soda gift I was I believe in your right there all right what is that brewing side this is a last second that's pretty good Boston brewing socks yeah all right I get to the fish I can take the fish what the fish I kind of want to take it just squash it with the

red uh... i'm not like i think it is brewing socks about specifically hoping to work for you know if you notice that he looked at the back from more shit there i got who's next twenty bucks who's not really me you know i which which one you get a picture of my answer them so I can't see anything in there. You gotta pick it by the person, I think, no? Oh, do I? No, you can pick by the rapper!

Okay. Fuck, I should have picked fucking dance gift. You get to pick whatever you want. I know, but there's almost nothing in it, which makes it intriguing. We have more gifts than people. No, we don't. Joe, who's gift? We'll pan out, Joe, relax. He picked his gift he picked his yeah I get this I got uh uh

uh that's a good one too right looks a little like a guy who didn't know how to it looks like like a pair of pants yeah this one looks like an envelope okay I take it always good hold on that's actually my gift that's your gift well I guarantee that some type of meat from Haiti It's a World champion shirt that Will got 92 that's hasten Asian charcuterie that's still gonna laugh at all the fumbling it really speaks to the bit Utah That was a really good one. I was thinking about turning into a Utah Jazz 98 champion.

It's a prosthetic cock. What is it? More paper. Down to one's knee. Why was I hoping you bought a dick? I was bummed out when it was a fish. I'm going to make a pie. What is this?

What is it? It's raw pecans. What? Wow. Those cost $3. I said under $20, not not under four. That's eight dollars Nine he went to the wrong Shopping at the wrong place at Traders you can get this for like three

Except you can only have a handful of these a day and also you're gonna like mine better than this what chance do I have of keeping socks we got fuckin' pecan's out there another way I have the best gift so far that fuckin' fish mine is better Bob who's four

I'm four hold the box up for Will and have him pick please so far I hate this game We'll just use the wrapping paper to sleep. I'm giving I just just pick that Joe. That's Joe's Well come on that sounds good right there right Joe bought You can't look at it you gotta take it you gotta take that one you gotta take it you gotta take it Okay Jesus Christ, it's so mean when you say it off mic

Someone someone wrapped up cooking chocolate and garlic watch out for the the mics and shit Just pick a gift you fucking ass Nine fat asses, what's wrong with you? Well, he's also bald Will doesn't go deeper than the book You're like a homeless person just pick one that's mine he's like that's Dan I would pick scope always got more money lives with his parents That's mine. He's like that's Dan. I would pick Scopo. He's got more money lives with his parents Joe list does it he doesn't like nothing. He's opening for me and soda Joe's gonna have a ton of heart

Yeah, but yeah, I want some macaroni vase. Trust me. I would pick that although I love the Joe's thing And I love Joe's all right here. We go Joe's Joe's but all right, so you can't open the whole gift off What what'd you what'd you do? Cool, I'm gonna kill the's how i am not responsible for other shit is that something that i did make sure shit don't break i don't know what it was a little over a little bit of a little bit because you can have the thing here what it's it's food right yes for the right over and what is it is also and there's more than that and there's more than that but a solid the bronx

bomber from the very You're getting a fish you Haitian I'm hungry. Are they dry up though? No, no, they were in a home of Hawaii sea. I just joked. You're getting a fish you Haitian. You almost got us. You almost got us. How happy is he he's going to fly it outside? Bobby. Can I have the cigars? No, it's not my cigar.

That's not how it works. I'll give you one. Shit. Let me pick this cornea's gift. I have my cigars. That's the best gift yet. I brought the cigar club. A sandwich?

No, this club right here. Look at this. Hold on. It's a roast beef with bacon, melted American cheese on a hero. You're going to think about the rest of the class. Will, you have your choice of brewing socks, your dumb pecans. Wait, real quick. A live fish.

Hang on. Could there be more of a Scopo gift? What does Scopo give a sandwich? You get the sandwich. the Cubans now? Wait, he took my peek about to give you guys happens now guys. Do you get the cigars and a fucking sub? But I can steal that I can take that I go to a white elephant thing and Bobby Kelly go He's a rhino Scopeless Scopeless gift is like watch out for the bag. It's leaking. What is it? All right?

It's a it's a cup full of my mom's sauce Okay, I thought you might enjoy it Mine's a black bag. Hey, mine's a black bag That's my is legit. Yeah, Bobby's. Oh, you're gonna like I look I have a feeling Bobby got something good. I got something Gadgety it's a bag dude Yeah, it's a savage. He lost his parents It's a microchip look at that you can without wearing a hat in the earband, okay I like that I'm bald love that yeah, well you it. Hold on, we gotta make it clear to the audience.

Hang on, stop, you're right, we're on video, but you gotta make it clear. What is it? A Coca-Cola. No, but look at this, twist the top, just slightly. You put your weed in it. You put your weed in it so you can hide it from your girl. Oh my god, I didn't hide my weed from my girl.

Yes, but she can listen now, now she knows it exists. She doesn't know that. Well, she knows I drink Diet diet coke does it work on airplanes I don't read the direction why is it heavy because it's supposed to be a coke so it feels like a coke you Fucking dumb don't know if black people try to breaking your apartment You could hit him with it, and then you go hide your sandwiches in here Bobby You fat fuck How do you switch on a simple all right? Let's go. It's a coke that you can hide stuff in. I like that. It's for we that's a good gift

I like the idea that Bobby is a sandwich that fits in a coke No, do you want to switch it up and take your dumb fish back who wants that fish? All right, oh you want some you want your pants are you staying? Uh, what else is there? There's the sandwich I love the Bobby's do the thing like when you like a girl and you're like, she's not cute Did I hear she's a slut you don't want. Everyone forgets that most of the time the best gifts are in sometimes the strangest packaging. Yeah. Indeed. We're looking at your face. Joe List. I'm a very thoughtful gift giver.

Alright! Here we go. What is it? This is something. Double-packing hand sanitizer. Great for comedians. Shaking hands. We'll call that fan juice.

Cheese and babies. Ooh, boy. I think it's gonna surface what this is. It's one gift. Sure. Ah, yes. Dude, but mini-rolls you can put in your fucking bag when you take a shit hand sanitizer Lube aliverde deep penetrating cool soothes and refreshes

Nice and what is that so the body what is it? lotion A little axe body spray are you fucking men maybe want to cover up what is this package you fuck guys at rest stops who wants to jerk off it's a jerk off a patient I saved it this is great what's the name of name the title the the North Pole series Peter North's North Pole

that's no one pole it's a masturbation package what i guess you'll get your hand sanitizer toilet paper moisturizer upon dvd or on the one i just say it's a very jealous for because most of those small boobs on the back of a small tip that i did a show all right what do you know that all my god as a big-tip guy can't accept is a little heart

i'm trading for the coke and let it go you can use this in a hospital bathroom haha and then we have a good I'm a kid you have everything You have a show coming out on serious I have the internet and your hands are unsanitary. This will be pretty good.

Hold on. Is this going to burn my dick though? Some of these like. That's not tea tree oil. That's aloe vera. Soothing. Yeah. You know, sometimes you need to use a little bit of penetration.

I feel it's going gonna burn my dick a little Buddy I want it all you can jerk off to my career Shit, who's nine who's nine? Connor's Connor's He go Connor I can't believe I get to fucking I want to puke. I'm so upset Is that it is that it for the fucking dead anything where what else is in there nothing that's it right That's yours nobody picked yours, I don't understand that how's our are we missing how we missing? Oh you added a gift? No, it's got to be

Ten no no he's ten men, so you're gonna do ten you're ten you're ten So he just make you test number I did I get them you know what he does That's why you're right you get the best number, but I yeah, okay too late. Yeah, he's in on it That's why I brought a good Can figure it out cause open his gifts Yeah Cause open his gift. I can figure it out cause open his gifts Yeah Who gave that gift Just taking it from Michael Michael Michael

What the fuck did you bring The industry that's why you don't know the books they get from the whole page and i thought is this tony robin uh... that's not it i don't know seven years ago when he was relevant i've been a voice over one time and i had to be twenty robins really yeah that they use my voice twenty robin why you are going to robins nice to meet you guys over that book to tell a story

uh... another book what this one Tony Robbins nice to meet you guys over that book teaches you how to tell a story Another book what's this one? What in Colter? What an asshole fucking give stink You're not in dude. Would you do mug a homeless guy on West fourth? Yeah, cuz homeless people carry around a books. Yes, dude. They sell them you dumb dumb on the corner you never seen the homeless people sell books No, no, I know Has anybody seen thank you. I have seen into the black. Oh, that's not been that's a good book that you can get for free Okay, first of all Bobby can't read I can read I just got more. He got more. How many gifts did you get?

This is getting fucking ridiculous. It'd be great. What's that? Starbucks gift card $500? That's it are we done with your fucking look all right hey good gift. Hold on you don't like someone you want to trade? Do you want to trade? Please take Dan's fucking highland cake. He wants my coffee. What? He wants the two pounds. So you get all the books, which you love. Oh, I guess. Indy can read books really fast.

So Connor, you're taking the coffee? Okay, what do you, all right, here we go. Our last gift. Whose gift is this, by the way? That's Connor's. Okay. Should I just give the sandwich to Bobby? No, hang on, I want to see.

I want to see. is it Connor got what is it Lady Gaga ticket what is it what is it gift card to bear burger oh I might know what do you eat the sandwich right now how my awesome that's the bear burger how many how much dot how much money in the microphone to pretend tennessee tennessee and that's a good meal that's a good meal now i don't know what they're going to say that now i can now i get to take whatever i want i could take the gift back that i bought you cuz you would be ridiculous well i

like your warmers and you know what I could hide nickels in that thing Your stereotype of a Jew nickel chaser, yeah, Jesus Christ Dan We discontinued the bomb Dan or no, how surprised would you be if I took those fucking pecans? Right now on the show and I fucking made a statement that I'm gonna fucking lose weight and I'm gonna take the fucking pecans and I took them and that was my gift and I ate them and what's up? I'm not the cigars. That's the dumbest You're never gonna do absolutely right give me those fucking give me that Bronx bomber right now. I want it give it to me We're done. Yeah, that's it. I want the Bronx bomber I'm wearing these now. I need to know what's in a Bronx bomber. So it's roast beef bacon. Yeah melted American cheese lettuce tomato Uh-huh

Lettuce on a hero He's crying oh my god and two Cubans and two Cubans. Oh my well the Cubans names I'm not giving you a cubans, but I have a really good cigar for you in my car Why would you just give me one of the Cubans i don't know it's not so good you know i do smoke cigar i'll give you one of the cubans thank you i just say this but and uh... louis really handled the swap pretty bad he's upset what are you gonna give them that you're not giving them that i don't know you

should need to teach him because his career he's hurting his killer i'm saying he's hurting joe's feelings by porn kit you fuck that's a great gift you know it's a ties your hands you don't wipe your ass you don't moisturize you watch porn i'm just saying i really could have used the can i'm going to ship rocked ash can i say someone really didn't matter what i do it's literally under twenty dollars you can buy it no dude and here's why i have the new rule guys you cannot buy one of the gifts for the next year i can't have one of these subs if I like it. Nope. You can't buy one, but Bobby what also I don't know if you could listen to the playback the second. I took it from him. He goes

Mom's dead Have anybody this is Christmas. I need Like a person being fucking evicted from their house by a bank He's like no. This is Christmas. I've had a really rough two weeks. You can't do this and Sunday I'm flying home to see my living mother So I'm giving Lewis this can as a car you really Fuck it loser No, I'm not that's why because that's his karma for Lewis if he believes that hey You fucking loser! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ That's the spirit of Christmas. I'll take those. I'll sprinkle them on the side. No, you got to... I'll use those as chips. Chocolate fondue. I need a chip, crunchy texture.

Bobby, I want you to take your... I want you to take your health seriously, man. I'm dead up. I'm giving you this so you can take your health seriously. So what do you want? You want it myself? No, take this, but I want you to eat... What do you get, Will?

I'm good. Will, hold on, Will. All right, here's what I'm going to say. You can add this to your walls. I'm going to give... I'm going to keep this to myself. I'm going to keep this to myself. I'm going to keep this to myself.

I'm going to keep this to myself. I'm going to keep this to myself. I'm going to keep this to myself. I'm going to keep this to myself. I'm going to keep this to myself. I'm going to keep this to get? I'm good I'm gonna give the I'm gonna keep the cigars and I'm gonna give the Bronx bomber. I'm gonna give the Bronx bomber To Joe Than someone trying to be the spirit of Christmas they'd be like that anymore that