Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Beth Stelling - Nice Catch

Episode Date: October 19, 2020

We're joined by the hilarious Beth Stelling to talk her new HBO Max special Girl Daddy, the current state of comedy performing, and being a woman in comedy! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Yeah baby, we're starting the podcast right now! We're back, you know what to do live. Welcome everybody to the show. YKW YKW YKW I started the social media podcast. YKW

I'm the back. YKW Do you do podcasts? YKW Do you do podcasts? YKW Do you do podcasts? YKW Do you do podcasts?

YKW Do you do podcasts? YKW Do you do podcasts? YKW Do you do podcasts? YKW Do you do podcasts? YKW Do you do podcasts? YKW Why can't I use it? The podcast is so fun and crazy and as a rule She doesn't help you ruining this First of all, damn I'm out of this

Sorry, it's a comedy podcast This is an NPR That's the podcast done Is there any better show? This is the original original It's a witch It's a witch You know what, yes, we're back. Hello, fucker.

Hello. Hello, what's happening? Gabby, how are we? I'm feeling good. Do you feel like that painting is just like too much behind me? Yeah. It is. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it looks like some horseshit you're trying to sell.

It's like too much like precisely behind me. The way you say two is too much. Two, like you're selling holistic. And I am. Is it too much? Is it too much? Yeah, the way you're saying too is way too fucking much.

I mean, people already hate you. There's no reason to give many more fuel to the fire. I'm sorry. I don't know why everyone loves to hate me. I'm a nice girl. I come here. I take shit. I'm funny.

I think not on this podcast, but more out in life. Um, I'm a good person. Stop hating me. It was a fucking fourth, five things that was good reasons to hate somebody. There, your, your optimistic self fucking evaluation really bugs people. I'm a good girl. Okay. Everything comic wise. It's just girl. Okay. Everything comic wise.

It's just against. Oh. Oh, here we are. Here we are. And here is our guest Beth Stelling. Do you hear me? Yes. Now, look at now, Beth's background is good.

There's no fucking extravagant fucking painting in the background. Ignore the painting. Yeah, well, just take it off the background. Ignore the painting. Yeah, well, just take it off the wall. I mean, we get it, your artsy. I'm in embarrassing PJ bottoms. I can't stand up. Now, but she's not, but she, her is as good

because it has a bunch of stuff. She's, it's nothing or a bunch of shit. You got one fucking painting. It's annoying. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, I don't know what to do. And's on your left side it makes it so heavy over here. It's a. Oh wait take a design class. There you go right there that's better. I have to go. But it seems like it's just taking my iPad audio. Yeah well you can change your audio

inside of the cam mic situation. We have a preview for that to help you Cam mic. Yeah, and then boom And then it just gives me only iPad microphone Uh, I don't know. It's okay. Maybe external mics aren't supported. You sound good. Oh, okay. It sounds fine It sounds good. You look fantastic Then I'm gonna take these out because I was like why can I hear? Yes You look fantastic. Then I'm gonna take these out because I was like, why can I hear? Yes How you doing? I haven't seen you last time I saw you was I

Mean the Pee home show wasn't it? I guess unless we shot that Remember when we did that Mitch her what's commercial listen listen X-Nay on the fucking me and you me and me and me and Beth today. What do they call those things? There's a name What is that there's okay? There's these things it was like it was like yeah, frickin Corporate commercial thing. It's a core corporate these huge companies have actors do these little videos to help their employees Whatever I don't even know what are you talking about? I'm trying to tell you and you should listen

I mean what the fuck your teachers must a lady doing high school Does that what you did the imagine what are you talking about? What are you talking about? Um, Gabby, you look like a question of our audiences. Fuck you. Mush. Wait, who's the guy? That that that's most that's the producer mush. You will be mush but into the show something will happen and we'll go, what the fuck?

And it's just being mushed so So anyways, I get a call to do this, but Beth it's the the money is like shooting a pilot Yeah, you can't say no The money's like I mean book in a car see Warner 1998 go NBC pilot. Yeah, not to brag, but we weren't going to say no. No, no, no, no. Also, my favorite thing was the first of all, the director's great. And he, my favorite thing that he said in the voice now, like, in the, just like a

pretty conversation before meeting was like all right yeah pretty low expectations and let's take some money from people who have too much I was like as soon as he said that it made me feel like the voices in my head yeah you're doing the right thing yeah Yeah exactly. You're doing it. I never saw the light of day. I think you're here. Did you hear why? I think I know why.

Do you know why? I think I know why. Why? What? What? What? One, two, three. Bobby Lee.

You fuck you made me say it first. Bobby Lee. What? Bobby Lee. I think they just found out like Bobby Lee I don't know I think he had like a crime like a like a like he had some thing on his record that he forgot to tell them Okay, like he had a I don't't know, like some fucking, what are those crimes that you? I'm Mr. Meanor, Felony. What a felony.

I think he had a, some type of crime. So when they, we never got the last payment. You know that, right? Really? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I fucking know. We were supposed to get one more payment, a nice chunk. We never got it because it didn't air. It has to play for us to get that

money. They pulled it so they instead of paying all that money to whoever they were giving Bobby and you know all of us they were like, nope we're not doing it. Wow. And it was probably an excuse. They probably saw it was like yeah, we're not good. Yeah the fat one couldn't act. We thought he could act. He was good in fucking Colin Quinn's cop show but not really not really this. You're good. I think we're I think also too we were on our head because look it's like I don't remember the scenes exactly and I'm it's not like they were I don't know and we weren't doing If it if this gets out we're fucking we're gonna take a hot one

If this if if it gets out I don't know about you, but if it gets out I'm gonna take a hot one on on on the internet I can't just take a hot one on the internet. I'm going to just get a cabin in an idle while then I'll see you. Yeah, if this comes out, I'm going to have to start doing shit with wood. Like making tables? Yeah, tables, maybe some necklace thing. Make you some just straight whittling to get your mind. Yeah, I might just make microphone necklace. Would microphones for me.

Same necklace again. Necklace. That's not necklace. Well, there you go. That's the way to stop a fantastic conversation. He's like saying like without a neck as opposed to like necklace. Yeah, but ice and dairy, okay, it's dairy.

I love how you talk. I mean, yeah, thank you. Yeah, I think it's hot. I genuinely love. So pandemic pandemic. Yeah, I mean, he's not, is anybody, some people are just listening to get turned on. Yeah, right.

So I remember Beth. So when I showed up for this thing, I was like, I get food. But you taught me, you've literally, if it wasn't for you, I would be, I'd be dead on the road right now because you taught me how to use food services that deliver. I didn't understand what that was.

You said grub hobba fucking stoke. Yeah, postmates. Postmates sounds like some assistant, like some type of virtual assistant that you and I would starve and she goes, what do you want? She's and the sweetest person in the world too. I was so excited. You're so sweet. Where do you want? And I was like, I'll fucking take you. She goes you guys boom boom. She pushed the button within 20 minutes. We had hamburgers and shit at the door I was like, hey, fuck it. Flip me out and yeah, no, I was gonna say I think I got a squirrel which is like now in L.A It's like There is not hard to get I'm just saying it was like kind of like lying around the block type thing when pre pandemic

But it was a world didn't I get you like that thick bacon and it was like a rice bowl Yeah, I approached the egg over the top. Yeah, it was a bimba pop up Yeah, yeah, bimba pop up Whatever the fuck that thing is. I got some brieose toes with Jan. Yeah, you got I got a bim-bop-bop. I can't find the sweet tooth and the implant to prove it. I'm not. I want the fuck out.

What was I gonna say? Oh, you know what else I found out? What? Shooting that she shoot whatever the fuck we were doing. L.A. has a subway. Yep. Cause I was staying at the W and then I was trying to get back and I forget who it was.

Who was the right, the head writer? What's his name again? Oh, Brian Cook. Brian Cook, fucking great guy. I mean, I like Brian. I got a fucking text. He always sends me some mean awful text. He just had a blue. Just how the blue.

Just something if I ever showed anybody, both of our careers would be done. Yeah, you could have had him to do a nice, genuine shit talking. I always think of his girlfriend, I think, because when I met her, I was like, this woman is beautiful. I'm not saying- I'm never a metter.

I'm not saying he couldn't pull a beautiful woman. I was just like, this chick is fucking cool. he's your he's a red-headed man those guys Right this is this three good-looking red-headed man in the world Yeah, he's a good-looking guy. He really is but he taught me how to I took the subway for the first time I was so empty just you and a man would like a hanger? It was I felt like I was on a movie set. It didn't seem L.A. Subway doesn't seem real. I feel like the terminator's gonna come off You know

There's gonna be an earthquake and and Will Smith is gonna come down and grab me or some it didn't seem real and it dropped You right off of my hotel for he probably would for content for Instagram And no he is he's worse than me for God's sakes You know I could I get shit for all the content I do and it's like yeah, but I'm not will Smith I mean it was so interesting is I follow you whenever it whatever who cares the point me my point was just saying like i follow everything but i don't feel that way about you and it's just because you're not something went wrong and you're not in my feed or my phone didn't hear me say your name and i

no no no no i got shadow band that what it is i got shadow band i got shadow bandsats. That's a huge stuff. I got shadowbeats, some millennial, I posted something. The millennial's texting you right now. That's actually my move. I, somebody, I was getting 70,000 views on my videos. Yeah.

And then it just went, bye bye. One day, I put a video up I don't know what it was but I was I as soon as I put it up I was like oh this is Someone's you know some and all it well all they have to do is all these fucking douche bag trolls have to do is report it You know what I mean and they'll look at it and be like, fuck you, you're done. And you can't even, there's no human being to talk to. There's like, yeah, like I feel, miss Instagram.

I think it's it. It's news. And Instagram is a miss. Facebook is a couple. And we're definitely just some conti fucking pieces of shit. That's that's that are jerking off the porn together. Okay, so Facebook is a gay gay couple But they weren't gay when they started out. They were friends and they were mad. Yeah, exactly. It was when their bitch wives left them

That's funny we just I think you have a face to Twitter and Instagram. I know exactly what she looks like Yeah, I got I got I got douche I got you. Yeah, I can't I Also sometimes I'm just like for like you know usually if you see somebody who has For like, you know, usually if you see somebody who has Who cares just like whatever 200 thousand followers sometimes you can go to their their thing and see like oh if it has like 84 likes then these are probably paid or fake But I have around 85,000 or something and it's like my like something I care about or that I think is fun. I'll post like I do Every Wednesday here's here comes the hot promo

every Wednesday I do a if animals had Google Google post where I just picked find a picture of an animal and I write what I think that they're thinking or what type of do Google anyway I like it usually gets like 600 points but then if I post a photo like up close with my teeth or something, it's like 8,000. So it's just like, none of it makes sense to me. I'm angry at what people like. I find myself very bitter lately. And what audiences enjoy. I'm just like, oh, a photo of my face and you'll like it a bunch. But something that's weird. I did a thing on Twitter just to fuck around back in the day. I'm trying to find it real quick. I just wanted to see the, I wanted a barometer of what fucking Twitter and all this bullshit

was. Well, while you're finding it, I, it's, again, it's the same thing. You tweet like a well crafted joke and you'll get like a bunch of laid people being like, oh, I, it's all, again, it's the same thing. You tweet like a well-crafted joke and you'll get like a bunch of laid people being like, I don't know. Maybe you could have thrown it in. And then I'll tweet something like, um, I work out so I can eat all the ass I want and it'll get like viral. Yes. That's that, but that could go to hell. That should get a million tweets. Yeah. That absolutely isn't me. That's on either like disgusting funny or turns guys on or something.

That is a there's something about that that just fucking does it for me. I work on it. When someone says I eat ass, I don't even like it that much. But there's something so bad about it. I'm like, oh my god, I'm fucking in. I'm with this eating ass party. Is there fun, do they? Most of you can find it.

It's basically I just said Twitter sucks, still sucks, or something stupid. They got like a thousand fucking likes and I'm like, you tweeted fuck Twitter fuck okay fuck Twitter thank you Gabby thank you Gabby fuck Twitter how many likes did it get? It went viral yeah immediately too like immediately it's like it's not the perfect I just posted it's like the epitome of social media. It's the way if I could

if I could quit. I was just up in Maine, Friday. I'm talking near the border. Congratulations. My my kid. We went we went to look at these this beauty of this this family does tiny homes, tiny homes of Maine. And are you considering or you just wanted to go look?

We're looking at it, you know what I mean? Yeah. But we went up to visit these people. And 62 acres they live on, of an old Christmas tree farm. So it smells like Christmas. Their kids are just hanging out. My kid jumps out of the car. I mean, immediately is best friends with these kids.

We're, we're hanging out talking. They have, they have this beautiful house they're building. 62 acres, apple trees. They have fucking Christmas trees. We jump in this thing. We leave the kids. We just leave them back at the house. We jump, we go like three miles up a mountain on this four wheeler.

And we're gone. And then we come back and I'm in the house and my kids on a four wheeler. Like I look at the window and man. He's seven. He's on a fucking. But not a four wheel fool, huh? Not alone Alone driving Okay, look I Confirmed that like because if I were him I'd be like yeah, I'm fine that but also I once had a

Sexualish relationship with a man named pup who only had only had three fingers on this hand and you're from a four wheeling accident. What? I've heard from Ohio, but I'm just saying careful on four wheelers. A pop? Is a little brother of his dog? No! Yeah, I mean there is a thing.

Three fingers on one hand. Is that I think that's a good thing, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to be better, right? I hate the other ones anyway. A thumb is never good. Yeah, I hear you. I hear you, but I just, here's a problem.

I had just got done giving a speech to the guy, because I, you know, fucking dumb bob Kelly read something out somewhere, you know, where, you know, our kids, we grew up to depression, our generation. This, this generation is growing up with anxiety because they don't do anything. They don't hang at the park by themselves. They don't walk by themselves. They don't climb roofs. They don't do any of that.

It's the same that you would think. It's like, you're a little orther than me, but it's like, still, I used to ride my bike over to knock. Is Fiona here? My best friend? Is Fiona here? No. All right. Then I fucking figure out something else to knock. Is Fiona here? My best friend? Is Fiona here? No. All right.

Then I fucking figure out something else to do. Like, you would think by them knowing more, like even if you don't give your kid a phone, like they could figure out a way. But it's like, is Fiona here? No. And then go on social media to find out where she is and who she's with and see her left out.

And you'd think with more information that would give you more knowledge or groundedness, you're right. It's anxiety. It's anxiety. You have to get driven over by your mom now to a Fiona's house and then she's out front. Is she home? We'll get back in. We'll go to the park and then you go to the park and there's parents everywhere. So I just did given this speech about like I let my kid do things. I let him go in the roof. I let him do, you know, play with tools.

So I look out the window. He's going by on a full wheel. I go, he's on the thing. He goes, well, you said you didn't want him to grow up with anxiety. I was like, okay, I just had to let it ride. You're like, cool, rock on me. But it was fine. I mean, Max, I can't tell you. He has a spectacular great time. He's seven. So there's, I have a video on my Patreon, me on a little tiny, they had a dirt bike. And I've always secretly, and I never told anybody this,

I wanted to drive a dirt bike my whole life. It's been this thing like, I just wanted to get on a fucking dirt bike and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And they had a mini one, like a little one. So I was like, look at dude, this has been a dream. He goes, get on. Just getting, I didn't talk like that. He made him Southern. He was a, he's very, they're very, they look, they sound like they come from Brooklyn. They're not, I thought I was going to go up the, come on, come on in boy, not even like that. But I'm just for the story.

I, there's a video of me on this little mini bike with my feet up and max driving around on this huge For Wheeler around this fucking apple orchid of a backyard they have and it was Amazing and then there was a point where no, he didn't fall off. He didn't get hurt. No, I didn't No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I Would have been I looked like the fat guy in the mo pet though the memory of that video No, I didn't. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no't do that in the city. You can't, I can't let my kid go to the park by himself because there is somebody there waiting. For you to just look at your phone a little too long. There's somebody there waiting. There's somebody there, not even just a molest or take and kill. I'm talking to just be a cunt to my kid.

You know what I mean? And or like over observed or overstep bounds and say, I mean, or whatever. Yeah, it was, it was, I had Friday, I sat a day up in Maine. I had a moment of what am I what am I doing? What are we doing? What are we all fucking doing? Dude, I've been yes. Look, obviously this has been a roller coaster. I think for the most part I'm grateful to be like where I am in my career Once the pandemic hit like if I had just moved tears and they are start comic starting out. I would have been screwed Probably moving back home or something or I guess working in food service and maybe getting it, but the point is

It's definitely made everybody be like what am I doing? What do I want to do? I'm luck I recorded my special right before this hit so like I kind of got it out meaning like if I hadn't I might be feeling differently right now but right now I feel done I feel like I don't I'm an indoor cat and I do not want to adapt. I am not the comic that needs to be standing on a huge stage of driving and yelling at people in a field with masks on. I'm a comic that like prefers to be in a club like with people like human exchange connection.

Yep. Yep. Joke telling low ceilings. I'm I hear you and it's I'm a guy I'm at the point now Beth where I'm like I don't need to do shows every weekend. I would like to do 12 shows a year and make enough money to like I'm sitting there trying to do math like if I can take this way down and put this up a little take this a little bit and if this will fucking be enough like the Ari Shafir method of just you know wearing ridiculous clothes

and not having like he's he's not bound by anything right now I agree that I have a child I have to make sure I have to say wife and child and they're cool. Well, I mean the wife I can get rid of but the thing I have enough acreage I volunteer to Good you go great. I Yeah, I don't I really been thinking about it. I mean of course when this all goes back will probably all go back to I know it's like rap race. I was talking with Ted Alejandro about Alexandra. Ted Alejandro. How do we see his last name? I like Alejandro. Let's go with that. Ted Alejandro. It's not Alejandro. It's all Ted Alejandro.

Is it Alejandro? No. Should I call him and find him? Let's ask. Let's phone a friend and it's Ted, Alexandra. Okay. Anyway, I was talking with him and it's like it does, like, there's a relief of not that, like the rat race feeling, because we all do it to each other. Even if you're like slowing up on your spots or just coming out on the weekend, there's something, you know, you see other comics getting up and it like pushes you. But with this, I just, I don't feel it. It's weird, something weird's happening. Cause like the thirstiest of thirsty are really getting in there. And it's not necessarily season comics. No, because we don't want to do, I went to the

South last week. And they had some secret, whatever thing happening. I don't know, I'm not supposed to, but whatever. And I was like, I'm not, I'm not going up. I just can't do it because it made me so sad. I was like, I just don't want to, I don't want to go up that much to feel like shit at the seller. I did that.

I mean, I'm not there. So I, and I, but like, and I haven't visited any of the clubs here either yet. But I just like, I think what I'm saying is I think I can understand. And it makes me feel better that you feel that way, because I'm like, it's confusing. I'm doing something for so long.

It's like, it's very weird feelings right now. We've been doing it for so long, but we've been doing it so long at a highly addictive pace. Like, we're pretty much our lovers, our heroine comedy, was four years. Mike, are you making movement? Mike? Mike, I can hear a bag. You can't hear me if I'm not on screen.

Oh, Gabby, is there a cat somewhere? I think my roommate is rattling around a bag. Yeah, can you tell him to stop? Zach, can you stop at the bag? You see upstairs or in the hammock above you? My room is really weird where there is the worst connection ever. I don't even know why I'm on the show. Every week her connection is terrible.

She's the heir to a fucking millions and she has the connection I can't hear you. Oh fucking Christ. She's got bags. She's got a thin wall. So her fucking roommate is literally murdering somebody upstairs, America's psychosome, with a bag. Literally killing his lover. And she's can't hear.

We can't hear her. Gabby, we can't hear you. You muted yourself. You muted yourself. Okay, hi. So there's a my staircase, I have a staircase in my room, I live in the basement, and it kind of just connects to the rest of the apartment, I do not have a door. Oh, wow. That's great. So how are you? I live in Park Slub, so it's fine. It's worth it. Okay. I like, yeah, keep talking, girl. Go ahead. No, it doesn't matter. I like. Yeah, keep talking. Go ahead. That answer. No, it doesn't matter. I like when girls start talking like this. I'm gonna sit back. Go ahead.

Talk to you. Wait, so wait, do you just have to fly it sex in your room? Yeah, while my roommate's room is so far away that actually we cannot hear each other. Okay. Look, when I first moved out here, that actually we cannot hear each other. Okay. Look, when I first moved out here, just go nine years ago, I, for the first seven years,

I lived in a dining room, and we just put up drywall. And my friend was like, wait, was that really a dining room? I was like, yeah, I mean, I had a chandelier. It was a ballroom, actually. It was very, very small. And yeah, maybe quiet.

I look at the gay man and so it's just sex is Okay, it doesn't matter free. I I slept in a hallway with a South African man and I used to go I Need to make girls scream I had a window right here. This is why I have a crush. This is why I'm trying to come for body He's so confident. It's the action and also and I was making girl scream. You know, so there was a window here and then space and you know, those New York City apartments is just a window there. So I could see into his room. And I remember one time me and this girl, we were both looking that way if you can figure out a position we're in. And we're both just fucking into it and we look up and he's just sideways like this watching TV like this

and we didn't stop and French women allowed let me tell you that French she was French right let me tell you something I've had two French girls in my life the loudest human being sexually ever. So here's my thing. Did it feel genuine? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Because I've heard some sex in my life by neighbors,

where I'm just like, oh, shut up. Like, it's good for sure. Sex can be so good. I mean, sometimes this is fine. And other times, like, you know, I've had some uncontrollable, like, you know, some nonverbals like that you surprise yourself with. It's never like blood curdling screaming. And it's never, it's never that. That is like, you've never fucked a baby. It's terrible. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I haven't. I'm just, I'm a fucking baby. It's terrible. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I haven't.

I'm assuming. It would be such a turn off if I was a guy. But maybe you guys probably are into that. People aren't at all. I think it's so funny because sex, I think. I believe that certain people are supposed to have sex. And other people, you can fuck and you can have sex and And and and other people you're just you can fuck and you can have sex and you can do all the shit and it's gonna be fine. But

there's certain people that it's your penis was meant to be in that vagina. Wow. You're not maybe not meant to get married. Maybe you're not meant to date. But when there's been a couple people that I've had sex with and it's been like as soon as to the stone like yes Yes Yes, yes, and this electricity and then the all the all the commoners around he's the king It's true, right? I think, because I've had sex with a couple girls that it was, I mean, that was magical. Yeah.

I've had a kiss where I was like, that's the best kiss I've ever had. Yeah, I mean- It's not someone I was like falling in love with. It wasn't me. It was just like, wow, is that way. Interestingly enough, I've- And then the sex was great too. It did take a dip. It took a dip to the point where I was like, what happened here?

And that's- You spoke. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. You probably spoke. Truly? I've had that during. Yes, I've had that during where things are going great and I'm fine with being like With saying what you want or need but if someone tries something like you're saying spoke or says something that you're not you're not intro it really can just be like Like you'll continue but in your head you're like how Click out. How could you think that that would be something I was into Hearing right now and it's worse because we're comics and we can't pretend it didn't happen

We're like oh, this is gonna be a great joke. Like, we can't just go, it's okay. We have to immediately go, dude, I was fucking, and then fucking, and she was fucking. He's like, what? I'm fucking, and then tomorrow night, I'm fucking, you know, side split, I was fucking, you know, last night I was fucking. We can't, we have to analyze it, rip it apart,

throw it on the table and take it and go nuts with it. We're regular people can just forget about it instantaneously. I've had sex with somebody that I said, I said I love you. It like, because it just came out, because it was so good, it just came out. I said, I love you and she went I love you too and I meant it. It was an amazing time. And as soon as we were done and she became her again, I wanted a divorce. I've also I've had that too. It was just like good and you want to keep like for me I'm someone who like if I get a taste I'm like next night next night like I'm on a roll here like let's

Like I could want it Immediately again, and I'm like even with food or something you like I could eat it several days in a row I'm like, we're just like let's go. Let's go. Let's go. And then when I when you're done you can feel it be done Yeah, I have only when you started talking and like I got to know him in his personality and I was like Yeah, I was I Then prison you I That's funny good dick. I've been I've been somebody's bitch a couple times, too There was there was a couple girl one girl wanting I

Know you out of your mind She was this she was a little blonde girl from Boston back in the day. She was like a nurse She was older than me a little bit But I mean in my prime, prime sexy bob Kelly, I was her, she bitched me out on a constant like a constant would make me do things I would never do, make me go places and just I was her little bitch. I mean at the top of my game, Bobby, when I was wearing pointy high heel lace up fucking cow high boots, like a witch with a wife, Peter and fucking mirror shades, Bobby. Okay. And I had fucking I'm telling you she she would bitch me out she would call me up and What are you doing? I'd be like nothing. I would drop everything come over. I would come to her house She would make me do shit to her

I would we would fuck and it was all her and this book. I you got to go and just kick me the fuck out and I just probably read some book that was like What yeah I just probably read some book that was like, what? She probably read some book that was like, how to get a guy to call him with you. Kick him out right away. She wanted nothing to do with me. It's just a personal thing.

It's a big kid and horizontal. That's it. She wanted nothing to do with me personally. Like nothing. And she drank. She was like a drunk and I was sober. So I had to fucking deal with her, be drunk and I didn't give a shit.

Dang, that's high tolerance. Cause like, I'm just slowly, I'm not sober but I definitely over the years. I feel like I drink the most in eighth grade and just kinda like went down from there. But it's like, we're around drunk people and I chose this job, but damn, it can be hell. Yeah.

Yeah. Some drunk people are so cringe. I can't try. Yeah, there's a certain drunk that I can't be around. Some of the other drugs that can be around, but some drugs that can be here. I feel bad sometimes, like I feel bad. And then I just sometimes, then I'll just remind myself,

like they're not gonna remember this. And like, I might mean, but I just like basically like ghost but right in front of their face like ignore and leave. Yeah yeah I'm so I'm so I'm just I'm not surprised as all I'm saying because I've had the same thing happen to me like we're just like keeps it's like, I hate this guy. I would never be with him. He's such a fucking, he's just, oh, God. Debbie downer just come bad of and then wanna come over and make me learn something. And what am I doing?

Yeah, she used to do that to me. God, I hate you. I saw her five years ago in Arizona. She came. A spark alive. She saw her five years ago in Arizona. She came as far as the wife. Let me tell you something. She was drunk, but it was, if she, I mean, I was nervous. If she had said, I'm coming, I'm going with you to your hotel.

I would have had to call Dawn and be like, look, I'm going to fuck this girl. But it's not. I don't want you look I'm gonna fuck this girl But Yeah, she did booty on me. Yeah, it's something happened a long time ago and I can't not fuck I mean listen You haven't fuck me so let me fuck it. I have don't want to be like all right, don't fuck her But bring that check home you piece of shit Yeah, I know how do you get how do I got COVID in February she didn't get it. How does that happen? I'll tell you I'm in the same fucking house. We have a three bedroom ranch. I had COVID nothing this broad got nothing Nothing I can't believe that yeah, well, I'm glad you're okay. Oh, yeah, I was fine

It was two days of nothing like I was coming down with something and then I couldn't smell for a week and I was done Oh, good. I'm glad I did like effect you so badly No, it it didn't I knew and I was right then I went on because because look at every comic I think had it, because we're all sucking each other's microphones. I don't, I feel like I don't want to be the person that's like, I'm a pearl, but you're not. But I'm telling you, I was touring straight December, January, February, filmed March 7th.

So I was like, you know, pre-special, going up literally every single weekend, from January 15th to the week before my special and during my special, I had this low grade illness. It was like hard to breathe. Like sometimes I couldn't catch my breath on stage where I was like, when I was at Good Night's in Raleigh, I was like, I know I have a dust allergy and I was like, is it super dusty in here or something?

Like I couldn't, you know, and like when you're doing an hour, it's a lot. It's you're if you care and you're like working and it's like an intense hour of work Like it sounds silly, but you have to be like in good shape And sometimes that means like your lungs and breath up to up to it And I'm like tired and I just couldn't get rid of it. Yeah, you had it. You definitely had it I'm gonna I'm gonna pull it. Yeah, you had it. You definitely had it. I'm gonna I'm gonna pull a Paul Versey. You had it So so your special is with HBO Max. Yes, now HBO Max is pretty much

HBO's like okay Netflix we can do this too I mean, yeah, but then you think they make it more accessible, but I guess it's because it's accessible to everybody. That's me. All right, now that would be my name for you if we dated, girl daddy, but what is girl daddy? You know, it was my, it can't be originated because my nephew Reed was not trying to be funny,

but he calls my sister girl. He's like, that's my dad and she's my girl dad, which I love, because my sister wears the pants for sure in the relationship. So that's where it came from, was him calling her girl daddy. And then I just said said I've been called a female comic so many times that if I have kids I'm definitely making a comic girl daddy. Wow, wow, no, what you cause you want to be called just a comic. I don't really give a shit. But does it bug a girl like okay? Okay, when you're bringing her up.

It's annoying, I guess when people say the more annoying thing is coming up to me afterwards and saying I don't normally like female comics, but you were funny. It's like cool great I don't normally like drum people, but you're also the worst What about this? What about when they go all right you guys ready for this one? She's a female comic, but she's good Let's go I'm gonna go over a couple bad ones. And you tell me, you girls tell me if they're bad enough. All right, guys, you ready for one of these?

That, I don't even know. That could be him. I could have done that. Listen, all right, this next, all right, this next person can make a baby, but you can also make a joke. I love that. I like that one.

I'm going to be like, it's pretty fucking good. All right. That one. And how about this one? All right. Most of them you've seen. Don't compare to this one. Is that bad?

No, I thought you were just using like a gender non conforming intro there for a second. You've seen. I'm seeing, I'm like, I know, how about this? This is definitely, I don't know. You like titties. Yes. How about this? I listen, don't pay attention to a cleavage.

I think I'm there's a New York kind of faxic with that one. I see that. Okay, Lou, you like that one, Lou? It's part of the, it was just out. He was giving me a hard time. He said his mom hated that I wore overalls in my special. He's like, she just think he's just like, what were you thinking? And I was like, I was thinking, how do I feel like what outfit do I love wearing and I'm comfortable in? Right.

And that I feel like that I'm not even thinking about what I'm wearing. And to me, it's overalls because I'm not pulling out my pants, I'm not pulling down my shirt. I'm not. And it's also like this little armor in a way, you know, you're just like, it's like not thinking about it at all and you have nipple shields? nip-nip shields yeah two little buttons here instead I just feel like and also I if somebody were saying it's like oh you're phony

and hot like don't make it about that it's like who doesn't want to be called hot like I have no issue with that It's just a matter of like the truth is for a dude in a lot of ways I envy you on a weekend because you can just show up from the airport and go to the club And yes, I've done that absolutely I've been like been late or whatever and I could do that and I have but It does feel better and maybe it's like the pressure I put on myself to get ready to do your hair, put on some makeup. And you do have to think a little bit more about your outfit. Why?

Because you're taking it in a different way. And that's just the truth. Listen, if you go on stage as a girl, you're being judged by the girls in the audience of what you're wearing, what you look like, what you're hair. Because they know what goes into being a girl. So they know when you didn't iron, they know look like, what you're hair, because they know what goes into being a girl. So they know when you didn't iron,

they know when you didn't do your hair, they know when you could have put a little more makeup or you could have plucked your eyebrows. So they're looking at that shit and the guys are looking at you. Or looking at my butt. I'm looking at your butt and your breasts and you have beautiful lips too.

You get a very pretty girl. You're very pretty girl Give it up for this girl. I know but She's got nice kids a nice I thought you really I Was like oh I don't think I don't think it cares. It's just like, it was Hingecliff. And he just like, his set was like, shitting on Schumer and just calling her fat. And then immediately, it was like, this next comment,

she's freaking great. Coming to the stage, that's telling. And I came up on stage and I was like, give it up for Tony. I'd eat him. And like, literally nothing. I'm just, I hate the store. I hate that. They just, that is a totally different place in my opinion and maybe it's in my head for women

It's like I it's an uphill battle for me with those dudes sitting there because I get there and they're just kind of like Hey, yeah, it's like it that open mic feel like but it's Yeah, but fuck that though because I mean, I don't know what it is But like the seller nobody watches anybody unless it's a tell Okay, you know, I don't and the only way they're watching my set is if I'm bombing the only time Anybody's been in that hallway is if I was taking a hot one and then they come down and they laugh hysterically and they laugh hysterically and try to make it worse. So, you know, we would, look at, if you're here, we pretty much know you're gonna do what the fuck you're supposed to do.

Yeah. Because you're here, you know what I mean? Yeah, the store, I mean, look, and all that shit I've realized too, it's all bullshit. You know what I mean? It's all bullshit. You go on stage and just fucking whale it out and do your shit and you know. It's just it is different. I don't know what it is. Like I've been around enough now to know that it is just I'm willing to admit that maybe someone bits in my head going up and

you could call it chippin' or shoulder or something. But it's something's different. It just feels like a lot of dudes there to see like the Leah and Shob and like, you know, just watch them and I guess maybe idolize them and relate to them or something. Yeah. And I was at the grocery over here and it was like, I walk into the, this is pretty pandemic. So must've been who cares, doesn't matter, marched.

And a guy goes, hey, I saw you at the store. You were fucking crazy. And it's like, I loved it because to me that was a compliment, but it's true. Like, I think what I'm talking about is like, fucking crazy to him. Because it's like not his life. Yeah, I don't know what I'm saying, but it was hilarious to me. And I did. I know it's saying. Yeah, I didn't get it. When I go to LA, because I'm really sorry. I we thought you had AIDS, but you can beat it. And you can kill a baby with one pill, no AIDS and no kids.

And you can kill a baby with one pill, no AIDS and no kids. You can do that in the future, great. So when I go to LA, I tell you, I always feel like shit, and I always feel the same feelings you're feeling, because I've never been skinny in LA except one time. So every time I went to LA, I was on one of my fats. So I'm going on stage. And now every the fucking sneakers are perfect. Skinny jeans, the shirt is fucking some fucking and the movement is fucking. What's up? What's up? Fuckers. All right. Fucking. You

have right. We're fucking you. Look at you. Look at you. at you. I'm you alright. Let's fucking do this Yeah, and I go up and I just be like what's up fuck faces I'm just dumpy and I'm sweating. I walked from over there I'm fun and it's like I always was in my god damn head believe it or not J more said something to me and I'm not you know me and Jay We don't talk but you know, I think Jay's one of the funniest guys ever right and He I was going. I was all nervous in my head about this shit. He was like what the fuck are you doing? And I go to them working out my set. He goes you're a fucking comic

What do you do you're funny fucking just go be funny? What do you do? You're funny. Fucking just go be funny. What do you give a shit? I was like, well, there's industry. He goes, fucking, who gives a shit? I was, he was like, in New York City, did you have a care? I was like, no, he's like, dude, just go up and be funny. I, the first time I had a best set, I felt like shit physically, because I knew it was a

dumpy fuck. My shirt didn't button right. I think there was a stain. I was sweating and I killed because I was like fuck off. Fuck them. You know what I mean? But I do, I feel that way in LA. Last time I went, I was fucking dumpy shit. Then you show up and everybody's got a goddamn electric fucking, you know, electric, $17,000 million car. I showed up at an Uber. I heard about the store is like, ever be on the seizure car. God bless them though, because here's the deal. I'll tell you right now. I'll trash them about how wealthy and how awesome. But if someone came to me tomorrow, I was like, dude, you want in? I'd be like, yep, see you later. I'd fucking, I'd do alpha brain.

I get a dumbbell, I'd fucking get shredded. We could get through. I'll fucking do it all. Rogan, let me in. I'm waiting for ya, baby. I'm here, wait for ya. Let me in. I'll lose all the weight.

I wasn't gonna say to you. So if I brought you up on stage, ah, she's got a great mouth. That's not good. Just weird. This is weird. I feel like here it is. She's got a funny picture. She's looking at her mouth now. You do have a beautiful mouth, but you can't compliment her on her mouth. You can't do it. You both have nice mouth. All three of us have nice mouth. So now let me talk about your special real quick. Where did you do? This is the greatest. You guys kissing each other right now. Was that to each other? Well tongue action. I can't say. I guess I have a accidental dam at this point. Why? Because of COVID, I guess.

I mean, I'm going to go over from a vagina. Why I'm going to have to kiss for a lips, not the South mouth. The one she talks about. The South mouth. So did you shoot your special today approach you? How did this go about? Because I don't know. Back in the day, you had to become a certain thing

and then your manager and agent would tell you at just for these people who want you and then you'd get it and you'd get this money and you'd shoot this special. Now people shoot their special and then they buy it and they put it, how did it come about? Yeah, this was like me feeling like I was pretty close to my hour. Like I did the half hour with Netflix and then you had like something like the two-year option for them to pick up your hour and I think the two-years passed on mine and you know like

well, yeah, I guess you know, I also write on things so like if I were a full-time stand-up, I think I would have gotten my hour maybe ready sooner or something like that. But it took me, instead of maybe two, it took me three years because I was writing on shows and still touring. But anyway, point being, it took me three years where I was like, I think I have a time ready for like an hour. So I taped it in Milwaukee.

Must have been like, ugh, I don't even forget to, not last August, but the one before. And I sent it around, I mean my people or whatever sent it around. And then we got word that HBO Max was hiring Team Coco to basically produce or curate their stand-up. And you know, Conan was my first late night. I did the P home show. I did Conan again. I've just worked with them over the years, I guess. And so the fact that I have an hour ready

and then they were looking for hours, they reviewed it and JP was just like, we love the hour, we want to do it. And then I still wrote and changed. I'm someone who like won't stop tinkering up until the last minute. Yeah, because people don't know that you're a hilarious comic, but you're also you write on a lot of shows and and I'm gonna ask you a question. I don't know who it was, but okay, I was on the Pete home show.

I pretty much think that you put me on that show. Yeah, I love you. No way! Pretty much think that you put me on that show. Yeah, I love you. I knew it. I knew it bait. I love there's you know, there's comics that I pull for and to jazz is like, you know, everybody has their fives. I I love you. First of all, you're the best. And I say to people, comics don't, you can book something auditioning, but really it's comics. Yes. Helping other comics. Do we have a, no matter how finicky and how fucked up and how fragile we are. We have an amazing comedy community. It's true.

It's like the mob and we help each other out. And I knew when that came in, I was like, and then I was like, I know. I was like, I don't think so. I don't think it is. And then you, I was like, this is you. It's like, you're a hard sell. If I, yeah, it's like the minute I say your name is like of course fits would what if it's was like really like I don't know Bobby's up for it

I mean but the point is you're not a hard sell so it's like of course everybody was like yeah Definitely Bobby, but you wrote the scene and I felt really bad about it because you wrote the scene where I had to make fun of Pete's face. And it was a very awkward thing for me because you want to do it so bad. Well, he was like, no, no, no, no, no. I like Pete. We've been friendly, you know, friendly over the years. He's always been nice to me. He's never, never done anything to me, but all of a sudden I'm sitting there and you're like, all right, go, go.

And I'm like, yeah, your face stinks. Something like, no, no, we're gonna go for it. And then I started looking at it. And I'm like, all right, I got a couple things. You're like, do it. And you guys like, fucking do it. And then I felt, and then I said a couple things and I saw it like an eye go up on one of them like.

I was like, I think I said, I want to mold or something. And I don't know. It can't hurt some more maybe. Something where I was like, Look, we did a whole row set of so, like, no one was part. It was like, I tell you why I was jumpy

because I did the fucking, the, the, the Gary Shanley, what the, not Gary, the, what's the other one from Seinfeld? What's the fuck is his name? The big show that everybody loves. I'm getting old.

What are we talking about? No, who's the guy from Seinfeld, the writer? His show. Larry David. Larry David, how could I forget that? I I'm getting old. What are we talking about? No, who's a guy from Seinfeld the writer? His show. Larry David. Larry David. How could I forget that? I know. I did.

So fuck everybody. Yeah. Okay. When we did that show, me and, uh, forget his name, Mike, something red headed comic from LA. Mike McCarthy or something like that. Oh, you have that. Matt McCarthy. Matt McCarthy.

So me and him, I told the story before, you're gonna have to sit through it. And the reason I was gun shy on that show with you is because they were like, yeah, we're supposed to make fun of Bill Buckner, who dropped the ball in 86 for the Red Sox against the Met. So he comes out and we immediately go, hey, you fucking faggot, you dropped the ball, we're supposed to be bossing guys.

You fucking faggot, you dropped the ball, you pussy. And they were like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, tone it down, you can't. And we we were like all right, so it comes out again We're like hey you fucking queer you dropped. Why don't you fucking bang your knees with a fucking piece of shit They were like cut no and they kept Bringing us back to the point where it was like look we we cannot be from Boston now. We actually be Yeah, we're from Athol Mass So I think I got down to like

Hey you stink bad boy. Yeah, it's something. I mean literally like yeah, you stink or you should have you should have got it You should have you should have got it. I'm going to be at a yelled cut and we were all I was fucking like whoa and then the yell cut and they got it was the last take we got it so you can do what you want and I yelled hey buckney you suck and then this kid Matt goes hey buckney go fuck your mother and it just you heard Larry David go why would he say that? Why would you do that? and It there is oh yes, please

Hey fuck me you suck. Hey have a nice day fellas nice catch That was it Your evil laugh wasn't great laugh. Yeah, but I had a line I went hey buckton once you get a time machine go back to 86 and Ben Yinesia pussy I mean that would have been a great line. I rode a couple and they fucking that's what they wound up doing with us Wow But so when I did this with you, I was like, I'm gonna want to be the same fucking position

and I'm gonna, I'm, someone's gonna get fired. I'm actually part of me too, was thinking like, we should have written you more. Like, you know what I mean? Like, there's a lot for comics to think about when you get on set. Like, first of all, you're right. The best stuff that I've ever done

is when a comics brought me in because they know what I can do and like how I'm funny and it's like confidence building and you feel Whatever lack of a better term safe just to be yourself and be still or whatever because there is pressure when It's like a late night set everyone's like you've spoken so We're just like bitch you do it because there's nothing that prepares you for what it feels like. You can run the set, you can do it at a club three times before.

When the curtain's open and you're walking to an X where you know that lots of people are gonna see it, nothing, you can't practice that. I mean, you can as a comic if you get better as you do more late night sets. But it's just like, same thing with being on set. Not everybody, there's things to consider as all I'm saying. I've bombed on two late night shows.

I bombed and I did okay on Jimmy Kimmel. All right. And then the night show I did good, but I fucked up my first joke. But it is. I have one set that I like on late night. It's true. I have two. One I hate, one I fucking hate. It's cringe. Another one. It's so, it makes me so mad to watch because the condition sucked and it's gone better so many times. Right. Yeah. I bombed on Carson daily his show twice. I probably bombed on that too. I bombed

like you've never bombed like I'm so bad It was on the the close caption person wrote light laughter I bombed the guy typing for fucking for deaf people so they he wanted them to know that I suck suck. Fuckin crazy. I've got some funny screenshots from people that make me laugh at this subtitles. I forget what you're like. Like probably something like uncomfortable laughter or something like that. I don't think it's a job to fucking make it.

Just tell the jokes to the bed. Yeah, you don't have to fuck it. It's not what the crowd said. Don't teach them how to react. Let them have their own reaction. Um, so now you and are you in LA right now? You in New York? Where are you? I'm in LA. You're LA. And now you buy yourself? Yes. I am alone. And I'm wearing a crop top. Okay. No one. Yeah, and I'm wearing a crop top. Okay. No, I

Know what a crop top is what's a crop? It's a top that stops. Oh a stops. Oh, you have a crop top. Oh, a half shirt. Okay. Yeah. Oh I get you. All right. Oh, I'd pink. Oh, my god. This like it You're role if you have roller skates on coming over. You better keep this on Patreon. I do have roller skates I got you all right. Oh, I think oh my god this like it Coming over She comes back at roller skates I'm fucking just twerk on like twirling Are you doing a roller derby I'm not gonna be able to do it. I'm not gonna be able to do it. I'm not gonna be able to do it. I'm not gonna be able to do it. I'm not gonna be able to do it. I'm not gonna be able to do it.

I'm not gonna be able to do it. I'm not gonna be able to do it. I'm not gonna be able to do it. I'm not gonna be able to do it. I'm not gonna be able to do it. I'm not gonna be able to do it. I'm not gonna be able to do it. I'm not gonna be able to do it. I'm not gonna be able to do it. I'm not gonna be music. It's a lot of the stuff I just saw all alone last week. I don't want to get late night and I saw it. I love when someone makes it a verb that's a mark of fucking great. Um, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, And I saw I did I love when someone makes it a verb that's a mark of fucking great Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I He's out there like

Are you are you now everybody's moving from LA. Everybody's out. I think I've got to trade in my car tomorrow, actually, and so I can take a road trip. What are you going to do? I'm ready to leave. I just look, you know, I go from touring straight every weekend

to being stuck here. At first, it was great. And now I'm just like, I gotta get out of here. So I'm just gonna go out and venture. I don't know yet. I want to Zion with some friends like right before my special just to like get out. So I just want to get in nature. And I also just, I don't know, I need to recharge. And sounds so stupid. I need to like, I don't know, live a little outside of what's in my head. I think I'm also watching too much. Like, it just feels like content is constant. It's not

quality. And that's bumming me out. And I'm like, I care about my work. Like, I like, especially, be special. That's why it's called that. It shouldn't be a podcast with three jokes you bitch Yeah, like I'm sick of just like this nonsense fuckery and so I need to like get away from it so I'm not bitter right and just I don't know what I'm gonna take a I'm gonna go up the coast North maybe stop and see friends in Seattle then go to see some friends in Montana That's great and they may be down to Ohio for the holidays to see my family get the fuck out of there It's you know, everybody's taught I'm scared when this happened financially like oh god I got a kid I got a wife I got off what the fuck out, you know, but then when I realized okay

I'm gonna be okay for a little while. I'm not going to be able to You know go whatever and then I was like fuck it man. I'm I just turned 50 and it's like I'm gonna I'm gonna have fun the last 20 Something whatever the fuck that is I am waiting to become famous To get something or win an Oscar to be something, and I'm like, fuck it, I'm doing it now, and I'll figure it out. You will.

And, you know, I don't care about what people say, I'm maybe about me anymore. And. To that point, where yeah, you just do feel like, you just learn the lesson, where you're just, everybody's fucking too worried about themselves even. Yeah, I was gonna, you know, do this and that, and I'm like, fuck it, I lesson where just everybody's fucking too worried about themselves even. Yeah, I was gonna, you know, do this and that.

And I'm like, fuck it. I'm good. We're good. We're good. And getting the hell out of these cities, like I just went up there this weekend. I went up to the Hampshire this weekend. We were looking at land, like in the woods.

Yeah. Just to get some land and have a place to go and get the fuck away. I was up there, no cell service, walking in the woods. And I was like, this is the shit. I sat on a rock. I smoked a pipe by myself. I felt like this old weirdo. No.

That whittles me. I duck out of some. I didn't look at a comment. I didn't see that. I literally came back today and I went and I saw a comment. I'm like, Oh, God. I know. Oh, God. Why? It's it's fucking annoying as hell. It's we need more. We need like a pause. I've said that I posted this the other day. I mean, not in some sort of manifesto. It was with a photo of myself. But I was going to get a lot of likes. I said, we need a task force for like good comments because these people, it's like whatever. It's like every bad thing is always louder. Whatever, it's like every bad thing is always louder. It's just like- Yeah, it's a weird thing.

It's a weird loud thing. I just wish that Facebook or Instagram, if you have a blue check, I wish they would just acknowledge that we're better than everybody else. And we do have better treatment. No, look, it's whatever, it sounds like this. But that's the difference. Look, there's so many differences between being a comic, you know, 20 years ago and now, but one of them is, you're not allowed to talk to me.

You shouldn't have access to me. Why? Why do I have to, Twitter is the worst because I, like Instagram, I restrict people if they make one weird thing. And it's beautiful because it will get no likes because they don't know that no one can see it. Right. But with Twitter, it's like they can't still kind of say anything to you.

Come on. And that's going to be me. And they want to see it. Yeah. Like, my special got so many great reviews and very grateful. And it's like one guy messed some lay person is like essentially complimenting like discovered you loved the special thing goes on to say like a critique and how I should just be confident in delivering this part of it and I'm like bitch you're giving notes

on a finished product go fucking kill yourself. I don't know what to tell you But I don't give a shit. I didn't respond to what I what I meant by that comment What I meant by that comment what I meant by that comment is that that joke was good But you you needed just a little more you know what I mean a little more. I didn't mean to have I'm sorry about that. I shouldn't have left that I'm sorry about that. I shouldn't have left that Robby's a hokey comedian from he ha I would step down your fuck you I just couldn't

He just makes me mad because it's like if you really needed to review it go run review on your dumb blog You needed me to see it. Yeah, you want me to see it? You put you know me. It's still It's where we are and you can't if you're if you're gonna look at the good comments You got it if you want the accolades you close the window you close it to the good as well And so that's you close it that's the trouble and I think back in the day People didn't get the accolades. You only Elvis got the accolades at the show. That's true. And you know, you didn't get the accolades

through some at your house. Yeah, anywhere or yes, they can get you anywhere. But we love these accolades, man. Does it feel great? I actually had a guy, I'm doing these workout videos. I'm doing a 30 day less titty challenge on my Instagram. And every day, five days a week, I do a muscle group on Instagram life.

And I get so many fucking bad comments. One guy wrote, this is sad. Now, this is a person that follows me, found me, followed me. I went live and he went to see what I'm doing. And then he went, this is sad. And in my head, I'm like, I mean, part of that is true that this is happening. I don't think it's whatever. I look, but no, it is sad because Colin Quinn and Rich Moss and Keith already fucking annihilated me for this. You're done? So you just thought of it. What my friends annihilated me?

I don't need you, you fucking unskilled piece of shit. Yeah, they did an intervention. They thought I was having a midlife crisis because I was doing these workouts. They were like, what's up? What's going on? Oh, God, you're doing the workouts. You take care of your bod.

Oh, fucking, I don't give a shit. Oh, I don't care. Yeah, I'm going to do it. Good. But I had one comment today didn't now this sounds corny and this is not You know, I get it. It's not cool, but this guy left I understand that I'm supposed to be cool I'm supposed to be rugged this guy wrote I didn't want to he did this with me, right does he's with me? I didn't want to do those today glad I got it done, but it man. I did's with me? I didn't want to do those today. Glad I got it done, but man, I didn't want to quit. Please don't take a day off or I will.

I'm doing what I'm doing for him now. I love him. I love him. So, but see, here's to me that this is the key. That person understands and is acknowledging digitally that you're a human being. Right. Everyone else has lost sight of that to the point. The best, best displayed in a comment that's like on a video of me, of my standup that

I posted. She's funny. I always respond. It's me. It's me. It's me. I'm a fucking human. Even though that's like a nice comment, it's like I want to fucking smack people's faces while they're looking at their phones so they feel something. Like I'm a human. I hate it. I'm, look, I'm getting angry. I need to go on the road trip. I just, it's so annoying to me. I like when you get angry. Yesterday wrote, this is supposed to be funny. I click on his profile. It is a child, a

round faced boy child. And I just wrote, it's not for children. I mean, of course you wouldn't think it's funny. You're a child. Anyway, I force force unfollow I block them and then unblock them so they no longer follow me. What? Yeah, like I don't want you. I like literally get rid of people and they can't do that. So go to their profile block them then unblock them and you forced unfollowed. They're they're gone.

They won't see anymore. I love that. It's locked from the middle. I love that. That's why I love doing this in here with these the Patreon people because look at their funny and they say crazy shit but they're the most supportive. It's like, well some guy was like, dude, why would you want a bunch of fucking pussy's telling you how great you are? Yeah What do you yes? What do you think I'm doing this to be get my feelings hurt?

You My life alone I What the fuck what is down quite what do you want people to tell you how great you are? Yep, that's pretty much why I do this 100% It's like I was like wait you come every time I was like Yes I was like, the whole thing was like, wait, you come every time? I was like, yes!

I mean, of course, sometimes you're going to miss the mark. And if you're tired, you can both be like, good night. But like, I'm glad you added that caveat in there for me. I just mean, sometimes you can accept the loss if we're not getting. But for the most part, 100%. Yes, we come to win. We fuck to come. That's a lot. That should be an album.

Oh, I'm kidding. We come to win. We fuck to come. Yeah. This is a thing just for life that I was reading today. This is some guy's essay. He was saying, it's wrong to say we live in on this. It's wrong to say we live in especially in certain times. The future is always uncertain. I thought about that earlier when

we're talking about the anxiety that comes from a kid being too much on their phone or whatever. It's like we never knew the future. We're just now being faced with it like really intensely. So that's why we're all being forced to reevaluate and feel like yeah, fuck it and when you have the that when you have a good day, when you're really feeling shit and you're you you're around people that you're connected to and you go to bed at night and you're like, that was fucking awesome. It's like, why am I not doing that all the time? Like why do I have to fuck it up? Why? It's like, why do I just try to do that every day?

Connect with people that I give a shit about. Get the people I don't out of my life. Do things that I don't have to my life. Do things that I like to fucking do. Yeah, yeah, exactly. All right, well listen, speaking of things I love, I gotta go get my little son dinner. And I'm back on my diet. I went off the rails this weekend.

I get it, it happens. But I've done the same, but then you just, you start back over it'll feel good. Yeah, I'm back on it today and I was I was all I get mad I got fuck it's like a drug My wife's in the car they both got cookies and they got ding dong's which is my favorite Oh fucking ding dong and she got me cashews That's not gonna win this magazine when they're like are you hungry?

Try a handful of almond. I'm like, I would get more joy literally stuffing each one of my ass. I'm eating those all. I would too, if you tried them together. And when I came, you pulled them out. I'm gonna be like, as I came. I'm going sides out.

I'm out. Ow. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. So this is up there now, right? Is it coming? Where's it coming out?

When is it coming out? It's out now. Go to email max.com. And how do you get it? Do the free trial and watch my special. It's called Girl Daddy. It's so good. Thank you.

Yes. You, you, you, me and my, my chicken going to watch it tonight. Oh, yes. I gave you a link. Yeah, I got the link. We're going to go watch it tonight. And I am excited. And I, I gave you a link. Yeah, I got the link We're gonna go watch it tonight and I am excited and I tell you the second I met you I felt like I knew you for My whole life you I really I love you to death. I love you. You're so funny You're so real you're so honest and I hope to see you soon. All right. Yes

Thanks for having me on. I'm so glad I got to catch up. You're welcome. Tell them you're a coach. We got a social media, all that stuff. Oh, yeah, just bestdelling.com. I'm like, shirts on there and any info's on there. Or app and stuff. Yeah, make sure you check it out and go watch your special

and follow her and tell her that you love her. Be nice. She's got a pretty mouth. She's got a pretty mouth. Oh, yeah. Ah, we all have pretty mouths in nice. She's got a pretty mouth. She's got a pretty mouth. Oh yeah. We all have pretty mouths in here. Except for mush. All right, I'll talk to you later. mush, what are you going to say? We're supposed to do the extra 10 minutes. Oh yeah. And the name. Oh yeah, we're going to we stick around for five more minutes or so. Yeah.

Can you do that for five minutes? I run in P or what's happening? Yeah, go P. We're gonna do names right now. The only thing I have to do is Call it 530, but it's 515. Yeah, we'll do we'll do it. Let's go. So all right. We'll do names. I Love those shorts. Is that bad to me to say that? Oh, I think they're not pink. Oh hot pink just does it for me. Um Can we just take the last 10 minutes? Off of that. All right, let's get a weird one.

Hey, all right, here we go. I love this. Patronon new members, we read your name every week. Thank you for being a part of this and becoming one of the ladybugs. You guys are supporting this channel so we can do all the things that we're doing and I'm gonna go off right now. We're gonna say Brad just Brad new motherfucker. You got a ten gun salute

I'm gonna lose out That's ten Nick come let the Louis That's 10 Nick come to the gluio Yes Nige we got bill profit $10 baby I love these $10 to So I'm talking about Mike $5. Still love you kid. Living chicken $10 membership. Bibu, bibu, bibu, bibu, bibu, bibu.

I think that was 10. DNA's too. You five suckers. And we got John Fennacucci cookie, ow, we out. John Fennekunchi cookie. Oh, yeah, oh John Fennichuchi Don John Fenn beth the she back John Fennonuchio closer John Fennu Kio I prefer that one. Don't you get a fucking nipple rub for 10 seconds?

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. Oh, that hurt. Ten. I want to thank you guys. You're going to remember the Patreon. You guys are the best. That's the end of the show. Make sure you get right now HBO Max.

Sign up for free for a month. Go watch best special. And if you don't want it, unsign you fucking you get it for free. There you go. Yeah, it won't hurt you and Gabby, what do you got, baby? Follow me on Instagram. I have a new comedy newsletter out called you got mail bitch. So subscribe to that. You can't substitute that. mail bitch so subscribe to that you can't substitute that you have to read it I love that I'm not reading your shit if you don't read it I'm gonna scream thank you for fucking coming on I'm not put Beth on there you can't you can't kidnap somebody's email and put them in your mailing list and now I put putting my mailing list. You have to read it.

You're my comedy dad. You have to read it. This one's a bit crowded. I'll read it. How about this? I read it and correct it. Give notes. Well, that sucks.

I mean, do you mean to the next one? I'm going to have, I'm going to give you notes. I'm going to have Nick DePolo give notes on it. Um, what the hell? I'm not ask you that. What else do you have? I have a podcast. What about you?

What's it called? Unabashed podcast. Yeah. Why do you look like a podcast with my mom? It's called We Called Your Mom. And me. Oh, that's great. Paul comics moms.

I love it. I love it. You should get my mom on it. I would love that. My love it. You should get my mom on it. I would love that my mom is Kathy yeah, if you just text me her number or ask her see if she's cool with it and then that's it We just call her and talk about oh she'd be cool with it. It'd be a nightmare too. Oh God I'm gonna I'll talk to her. I definitely love her Ask her if she wants to do it and then we'll call in all All right. Gabby, why do you look like a Dutch boy?

I can't help it. Not everybody can pull off like a slick back pony like that. I told her. She has a chick from Jersey. She's a seven. As a Dutch man, boy, she's an 11. First of all, I'm a 10. And as a Dutch boy, I'm a trillion.

I don't know why. I paid top dollar for you in the Netherlands. What do you have mush? Follow me at Mike Fusuora as follow the show at Waikidim. You dude podcast make sure you subscribe on Patreon for all the extra content, counting and keleeds and all that other stuff and Yeah, that other stuff. And yeah, that's it. And where am I, mush? You're going to be with Ron Bennington, October 24th

at the Blue Cross stadium in Lakefield, New Jersey. Go to livefromhomeplate.com for tickets. And we just fucking, well tomorrow we're going to big announcement on Caltor and Kelly. Big announcement tomorrow, Caltor and Kelly. So tune the fucking, we're going to three o'clock much tomorrow, three o'clock, you fucking ladybugs. And, uh, and that's it. I'm gonna go see what my salad, my wife got me for fucking lunch,

dinner, whatever fucking time it is. Beth, I love you, Gabby. I like you a lot. Now I'm getting my love. I love you. Mosh, I like you a lot. And you ladybugs, We'll see you guys tomorrow. You know what? See you next week. You've been listening to the YKWD podcast. Thanks for listening. Now go back to your shitty jobs.

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