Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Big Jay Oakerson, Chris Alan | Over The Top

Episode Date: August 30, 2021

This week, guests Big Jay Oakerson and Chris Alan join Robert Kelly as they get in to arm combat sports, fashion dos and don't for the heavyset and what drives someone to being fat! This week, guests Big Jay Oakerson and Chris Alan join Robert Kelly as they get in to arm combat sports, fashion dos and don't for the heavyset and what drives someone to being fat! Get the EXTRA 20 PLUS of YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hoy es un día de eso de no saber cómo va a acabar el día. ¿Dónde nadie pregunta, ¿dónde viene? ¿Sino por qué no te viene? Y una ronda es el tiempo que pasa en preno, conocernos, y no creer olvida. Hoy es un día de eso, que Madrid nos vía. Hoy es un día de eso, que Madrid nos encuentra. Maú, la vida es más vida cuando nos encontramos. Encuentra los bares de Madrid, la Dición Especial de Madrid nos liga.

Un humenaje de mao, a Madrid. en todos tus dispositivos. Pluto TV, ven a verlo sin pagar nunca. Siempre que se mantenga las terconstancias económico-financeras del solititante en el momento de la solicitud. Back again old school back in the day. We're all starting before them all Fun and crazy Is there any better show this the original? Oh, oh, oh, oh shit. Everybody what's happening? It's Robert Kelly. You know what dude? We're back again. I want to thank all the Patreon. Listen is patreon.com says Robert Kelly YouTube.

If you're watching this on YouTube, it's Sunday. But if you want to get it live, you want to be in the chat, you wanna be on a ladybugs, you wanna talk and comment and be part of the show Patreon.com, Sashrober Kelly, plus you get extra YKWD every week. We do at least 15, 20 minutes, sometimes half last week was 40 minutes

of extra only Patreon members, only footage, video, audio, it all comes under the same shit. So make sure you go to check it out and become a member. If not, click that subscribe button on YouTube right now. Click the like button, leave a comment. I don't give a shit what you say.

I'm not reading them. Just get us in the fucking algorithm. Same with the three things. Good stuff, dude, fire. No, fuck that. Dude, I hate the show because of this. I love it because of that. Comment, put us out there,

because they're not gonna do it, because they fucking hate me. This is a fun program. The comments. No, it's the worst. Oh, it's the worst. We have a great show today, and my producer is gonna announce our guests, right?

Producer. Absolutely. Nicole. All new, Nicole. Nikki Kaye Kay, Nikki Lions, Rao. Hey, new Nicole. Hey, what's up? New Nicole, that's your name. You know what, I've been trying to come up with a name

from a while now, and you just did it, Jay. Big on alliteration. Alliteration. Like a little alliteration. Alliteration. New Nicole. New Nicole. New Nicole. New Nicole, what do you got?

Speaking of which, please welcome Big J. Ogerson. I mean, Big J, huh? If we, I'm gonna push the, I got a button right here. Yeah. Yeah. Let me shut that off. Go ahead. And we also have Chris Allen here.

Chris Allen, baby. Oh, the club. X Navy SEAL. Come, I mean, no, sorry, Air Force. It's fine. Still bad ass. Well, that's an Intel guy. How bad is that? Still pretty bad.

It's pretty bad. I mean, looking at anybody that says, I'm going to fucking give four years of my life to the military, because you don't know what the, we don't know where that's going. I find it's surprising because Chris has worked with me before and he's hilarious. Oh, thank you. And it's funny because the personality of military tends to not be that of comedian. They take themselves a bit seriously, I think most of the time.

You have to. Well, yeah, you have to be serious, but you also regimented. You make your bed. You still make your bed every day. Yeah. That was like a point I made during the pandemic, just to have a little bit of normalcy and some kind of like, yeah, so they did that in Juve Hall to us. We had to make our bed every day. As soon as I was out, I was like, fuck that through. I just fucking through shit. I was like, never made my bed again. Did you ever see the military's behavior when they'd see like a pretty lady on like when Bob hope would bring out like, hey, it's a movie star and they'd walk out like this

and they're like, they're grabbing each other like a pamphlete. Like, all right, like, what the f**k? Passing out and shit. Yeah. Yeah. What do you think? The works never seen pussy before. And they cut the Vietnam, they just in the hot, raking of family.

Yeah. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. and then cut the Vietnam, they just in the hot and rafing of family. Yeah. That's right, Jesus Christ. It goes, well, it goes, yeah, war is hell. Things are different. Yeah. Can't just jack into a slit and a skirt anymore, man. I gotta see the fear in her eyes

and watch the lights go out. Yeah. Well, we do get a bad rap with being like shitty guys though. Why, but back in the day, they used to, I remember this photo, they would have all these guys at the docks and the girls of the day they used to I remember this a photo they would have all these guys At the docs and the girls with all the trains and then we kiss and their girls goodbye and the leg would be up

Like unhappy days. Yeah, but we I think we will be lying back then faking it Oh, we just a better better people well, do you you say you get a wrap for being bad guys? I think all that is it's the it's the lumping in Of a lot of a brotherhood. People don't like brotherhoods. Other people aren't in them. Not anymore. People that aren't in them. Yeah, they don't really care for brother. It's why I just think it is.

So it's like to me, my mindset was never like, let me join a frat house or at least never at the age where I could have done that. I'm just like, and if somebody who does wants to do that, even like you're a jerk off, like you care about drinking upside down with your fucking stupid friends, but if you're in it, I'm sure it's like, yeah, it was a lot of fun. You know what I mean?

Yeah, the front thing either, man, I'd never want to be in a front, but I guess the military is kind of a fraternity. Yeah, for sure, it's like, watch each other, there's a brotherhood of things. You don't put shit in your ass and walk across a room and drink beer You go and you have to fuck the fucking world, you know, I do some wild shit in the military, man The dorm is gonna get pretty pretty crazy. Well, you know, if my Bobby's like my friend

But I don't have like an oath to him. Yes you do mean an oath. Yes, the read of an oath. We have a fucking oath What's our oath? I oath is fucking dude. Now comic catch me eating fucking oath. What's our oath? Our oath is fucking dude. The comic that you ever catch me eating, like some fattening food at night, you keep your mouth shut. Now comics, yeah, there is a code that, you know,

it's hilarious, it changes the health things from your family as you get older. When you're younger, it's like, hey, you see me walk off with a chick. Don't mention it to my chick, you know what I mean? But you can't, you can't walk up to you and go, hey, how's your wife? I'm kidding.

You can fuck with that chick, but not the wife. You can't fuck up to you and go, hey, how's your wife? I'm kidding. You can fuck with that chick, but not the wife. You can't fuck with the wifey. No, there is an oath between comics. We have a bond. It's the mafia. I mean, real comedians. Well, here's the thing.

It's not across the board. All of us. There's an unspoken, a small percentage of us will cross that line, but I don't really consider you a comic when you do that. Real comics will just keep it moving. You know what I mean? Sure, I think. And when you have a comic do something,

you're like, ah, it was stupid. We kind of just keep you most shut. You can't call it a fraternity when there's such a portion of it. I mean, a very large portion of it that is against actively another side of it. What do you mean? Well, it's funny when people have like squeaky clean or like quote-unquote unoffensive comedy before,

everyone just would call them to that gay comedy. Like a nice gay comedy dude. And then like now, if you do like dirty comedy, they're not going like, that's stupid, they're going like, you should be fucking ruined for what you're doing. You know what I mean? People get very angry Well, they they say there's factions of comics trying to stop other comics. Yeah, but they're not comedians You're right for the most part. They're not comics sure you can say here's the problem is anybody can say they're a comic now

Because they do a show right yeah, you know the the the the the card trick is out back in the before the internet Like I said this is we were talking about this a while ago, when we were coming up, you had to listen to an album or a tape of prior or somebody, or go see it live. There was no YouTube. There was no Comedy Central.

You didn't get to study, just watch hours of comedy and then mimic that and then go to an open mic and then just Pretend to be that and you could just you could you know you're reading off the back of your fucking eyelids Yes, so your people are just just Podcasters could you fucking imagine if it was just podcasting? What do you Christian Slater and pump up the volume? Just pocket it should be like a means to say it's like it's promotion for something else. It's a different thing though man. They created a new art form. Podcasting is a whole new thing that some people do really well and some

people love to hear it. And some people who's not a who's not a who's not a good podcast. Are you looking for on one right now? No, no, no, no, no, no, you're a good very good podcast. I'm saying who's not a comic? Who's a great podcast? When I watch those like no jumper clips because something big happened on them or something, I'm like, is that good? It doesn't seem good.

What is what is it? No jumper. It's like a it's one of those like just hugely popular podcasts like celebrities and pop celebrities of like the moment. But if you look at a lot of people leave it angry, it's one of those things that he'll ask. And he will.

He'll ask like those, so I get it. But at the same time, it's not entertaining unless like, it's got to be a show like something blew up. This girl got furious because I'll watch that. But like, just hearing him have like an intimate one on one with like a new sound cloud wrapper, like, holding something. I don. Yeah, I don't care about that either, but you don't forget that you're an artist. Your brain works weird. We can't we have to say shit and do shit. We can't sit and watch shit. We can't sit and listen to shit because we're ripping. We're comics. We're taking everything apart and

just ripping it up to see where what we think about it. Yeah, we're kind, we're comics. We're taking everything apart and just ripping it up to see what we think about it. We're kind of fucking mentally ill. Like I think real comics, even when a waitress comes up to the table, it's like what the fuck is her problem? And regular people are like what? It's like fuck her, you know what I mean?

And we'll have a bit. Yeah, remember waitress, walk up. And then people will be like, oh yeah, you know. I don't know if our age difference makes a thing here, but are you actually because of what you're saying? I'm kind of insult is that not an insult. I think we both will feel the same way. You said, we never get to sit and just be entertained. That's why like one of my sports teams are so important to me. Yeah, for sure. But it's weird. I said, it's why I love impractical

jokers. I really do because like it's unjudgeable comedy to me. There's nothing I watched that I'm like, I could do this different or better. I really do because like it's unjudgeable comedy to me. There's nothing I watch that I'm like, I could do this different or better. I just get to watch it and enjoy it. And Jackass always felt the same way. I don't like Jackass. Really? I'll tell what.

When that work trailer came out, I was like, oh man, I'm so excited they're back. I don't like people get, I can't watch people getting hurt. I can't watch the skateboarders, the new fucking Mill Crate thing. Oh yeah. Some of those are bad, man. I can't watch the skateboarders, the new fucking milk crate thing. Oh, yeah. Some of those are bad, man.

I can't watch it. I know I'm supposed to think it's funny. But really all black people, sometimes all black people. The dude who was rolled the blunt and walked over was white. No, they called him white. Oh, he's not white, Mike? No, they just called him white, Mike.

It looked like he might have been out like that. I don't know, maybe bring him up. I could be lying. I'm just, I just say shit sometimes. Oh, you, okay. You know, I mean, it is my show. It is. So I can just say looking. I don't know, maybe bring him up. I could be lying. I'm just, I just say shit sometimes. Oh, you, okay. You know, I mean, it is my show. It is, so I can just say shit. You can't.

No, he's black. Bring up white, Mike, Millcrate. I can't watch this stuff, shit. I get it, I get it. But when somebody gets fucking hurt, nothing kind of hurt. I don't know if I laugh so hard at like the really, I get like holy shit when like,

bowls flip him upside down. But the kind of hurt like, when you ring the doorbell on the guy like Like a thing blows up and The big hand phenomenally funny. I mean that was funny. I would say that was funny. Yes What I mean the when the guy said one of the hardest I've ever laughed in my life is the guy is a fire hose rodeo He holds onto a fire hose It's on YouTube and he gets flown all over the place because hanging from a crane when he lands It's pretty hard with the noises he makes when he gets hang on a second guys make sure that's all up to speed before you bring it up

There and distract us with it This brought up the commercials. I'm like what you're trying to talk. I'm like what? and distract us with it. This brought up the commercials. I'm like, what? You're trying to talk. I'm like, what? The way he lands and the noises he makes, you just feel it's so funny.

I don't know, I find a hilarious. To me, it's not that they get hurt. That's funny. It's when they get hurt and then they jump and do it right again. Steelo snorting with sob, he having a five minute meltdown. Is that white Mike?

That's white Mike. No, he looks black. He's black. Oh, wait. That's a white dude with just, with the beard. That's not white Mike. No, it is. It's white black. He's black, dude. Oh wait, that's a white dude with the beard. That's not white. No, it is, it's white, Mike. That's a white dude.

No. That's just a cool ass white dude. Yeah, it's cool white dude. No way, he's wearing a blunt. That's black, he's got something. No, he just grew up in a, he's got swag, Bobby. No. That's what that is.

No. That's the swag you get from hanging around, cool ass. Swag. To white people is like bags with company names on it You know like just for laughs pen That stuff we all get. Yeah, that's very white. Yeah, your swag is different. It's a good thing. Bill crates. Yeah Charisma how's that fucking that's not a white guy? I Didn't write what is his sneakers underwear and hat match that's not a white. That's a white dude who grew up in the hood

Who know how it is? It is? It's a white. Yeah, I think he's right. I don't think so no Around I see that face it it's black dude. It come you don't know you're backing down Oh, hey, I watched it on my phone. He look he look white to me. You said right that's black dude He's a black dude now here got throw a monkey wrench. Oh boy. Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy buddy. Easy, easy, easy. Don't dare, don't dare you guys. Just stay in age 20, 21. Yeah, how dare you? Oh shit.

And he does it, right? This guy successfully does. Yeah, this may, this, can I just say something? I like this one because it made me happy. I think I've had so much tragedy in my life and I've had so much bad shit that when I see people getting hurt It makes me it might trigger shit like that and when I see people accomplish stuff

I feel good because I feel like oh my god. He did it. This is great. What's the white dude? But look at that dude. That's not what I like when things go haywire and you get to see a reaction to it They call him white Mike because he's light skin. That's light skin black. You might be right Oh, you know what? It's probably a you know what? It's white Mike. They would not call him white mic because he's light skin that's light skin black. You might be right Oh, you know what? It's probably you know what it's white mic. They would not call him white mic. They would just call him Mike He might be know what there might there might be a dark skin mark in the hood too, and they call him Mark and then white mark. Yeah, they probably call I There's probably a darker mic. They call him pipe pump a nickel mic, and they call him what right mic white mic Yeah, yeah, there's no way he's way he's a black dude. I win this one

Whatever do I have a bell? For the win. Yeah, well But Did that that shit that I fucking kills me dude? It kills me I think it's funny. I mean when I see it again like skateboard like People hitting their head. I don't like at all like that kind of shit But like I'm doing with the fun like they'll I'm like the paper cuts they give each other that kind of shit What is it? Oh one of the jackass that you do paper cuts on

Inside I'm not and the inside of the webbing's their fingers. What about the slap fights you like that? No, no, you ever seen that no I hate it. It is insane. Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty wacky. I hate women that women that do it. They like, they hold onto the, it's like, I think? I hate the progression of it. The first one is like, okay, the second one,

and then I'm like, oh shit, this next one's gonna be horrific. The slaps. And then the fourth one is usually just this devastating. It's crazy. And it's just like, why the fuck would you do this? Thumb wrestle. Do something else?

Have you there's a really obscure um Arm wrestling documentary on the week have you no, I think that was the weekend. I watched it It's insane. I'm wrestling. I'm fucking in do. I do it so hard for me to hold John You're just a documentary. Yes, you he put me on to it. Yes. I have and gave so we watched And we told you I watched it. I think I had to gave him. So we're having him watch the other game. We told you to watch it. Yeah, I watched it. I think I had to admit it. Maybe I had to admit that. It was great.

It's really good. But these guys, I mean, like, there's a guy in Russia who trains like Drago to just arm wrestle. You said see the gym. It's like rusty old shit in there. It's crazy. And he like arm wrestles against like his whole family.

He's like pulling against his arm. Yeah, dude, but there's a new kid out too. Cause I'm in, I just got an arm wrestling in the last year. Really? Yeah, dude, but there's a new kid out too, because I'm in, I just got into arm wrestling in the last year. Really? Yeah, dude, there's a Canadian guy, fuck, pull up arm wrestling champs, but there's a new guy called sexy Canadian arm wrestler.

There's a new guy called schoolboy. Okay, he's from Russia. He's got this, he looks like a little schoolboy. He's from Russia. He's got this. He looks like a little schoolboy. He just fucks everybody up. And he's not big. He's not this. He's taking guy. Dude, bring up schoolboy. This kid, this show on both, or only that one shows on both. This kid is just Russian strength. And he just grabs people's and he smiles smiling and guys coming up monsters and he's just putting them down yeah this school boy right there look at him look at this guy's up look at his arm really oh yeah

school boys no fucking joke how do you get into this I just love I watched all right I watched still owns movie over the top. And then I started googling it and I got into this other guy. Me half way. I'm gonna say. Oh, I'm so scared. Dude, it was almost. I bet it was Terry. We're hoping the God that your father was just a traveling arm wrestler that didn't pay

attention to you. We all did. We all hoped for that for our fathers. You know, maybe he's not showing up because he's hoeing brute across the country. Kick and ask. Kick and submarine. maybe he's not showing up because he's hoeing brute across the country. You know, kicking ass, kicking some green. He goes, when he pulls up his car, it's probably going to have one of those things to be trained with all the time, right in the car. Do that movie was very creepy.

The relationship between the father and son. It was very, very weird. And they just brought that kid fucking sucked. You didn't like him. No, no, I mean, in the movie, he acted well because he was hated. He was hateable. He was a con at the beginning. Horrible.

And he got all happy when he beat the kid in arm wrestling. Never would have happened. He would have lost three times in front of his own father. I thought he'd be. He would have paid a bigger guy. You'd be magic. Yeah, I know. It was self-fucked out.

What was his move like the thumb thing? It makes no sense. No one's ever done it real life Over the top it means not over the top. Well what you do is you want to there is a move It's getting over them, but no one does there's a move called what's it called the? I don't know there is a move that this guy Dave Can you bring up Canadian arm wrestler Dave something? He's he's my favorite I forget his last name But he comes he he read, adjust the grip and he brings it up over and then he pulls,

you pull towards you, not over. You wanna pull towards you and then you go down. He's twist, yeah. But was he in the duck? This is Canadian man. That duck, the guy snapped his arm. Do you remember that? In pulling John.

In pulling John. That sounds like a gay porn, by the way. It sounds like a gay porn by the way. It sounds like a gay porn. It also sounds like a great thing. Those of you who call it your dick. What are we doing in your hotel this morning? Yeah, they're in pulling John. Which one? Devin Lary, that's his name. Devin Lary,

this is why I love this guy. He talks shit the whole time. Which one is he? On the left. He's an ex-canadian. He's an ex-canadian. You look like Marty Chinette. Is that your fucking special? Yeah, that's it. Whoa. Mr. Peloton like Marty Chinette. Is that your fucking special? Yeah, that's it.

Whoa. Mr. Peloton, Whoa, hey. Oh, all right. You know what, dude? Hey, dude. Isn't that premium YouTube? Hey, hey, Bob, you want to sub that?

Well, I haven't watched an ad on YouTube in some time. Wow. Okay, you guys want my password? Yeah, why don't we have you guys want my password? 12 bucks a month. That's fine. I'll just start. Oh Jesus. Yeah. No, no, I'm happy. So I want to help. Am I an investor then? Skip ad for five seconds. How dare you? You didn't get you to premium for Copa Kyle like everybody did in the beginning and then just keep it because why not? So I haven't seen it as in years.

I haven't seen it. I thought you were talking about you. I, you have me going. So I was that's so funny, dude. We'll get that for you. Thank you. I got it. But this wild guy right here, he just talks shit.

He's so fucking good. Hey, I love him. He talks. He's really got good ass hole face. Uh-huh. Yeah. He really does. He really does.

He looks like a guy you're not going to enjoy. He was special forces. Canadian. This guy. He's six got good ass hole face. Uh-huh. He really does. He looks like a guy you're not going to enjoy. He was special forces Canadian. This guy, he's six. Dude. No. Six six. You have to like live inside a moose for three days. And arm wrestle.

Yeah. Canadian shit, shave a woman. You have to be security at the, just for last. For the nasty show for a whole week. Yeah, you got to bounce a bear naked ladies concert. Both of these guys like you have the punch a tree to sap.

That's a memory that that's saying with tongue pole. What was that when he was kicking that bamboo tree? Oh yeah, yeah, that's the Canadian version. He's kind of cutting up them shins. Ha ha ha ha. Long po.

Yeah, this guy's no fucking joke. We gotta link him up. Well, he always does this. He's sticking around too much. Yeah. Yeah. Look, he screams at him too. He's like, fuck you.

He gets points taken away. This guy is so good. He gets into people's heads too. These guys all come up like, let's do this. And he's like, fuck it. Look at him, you won't shut the fuck up. I'll tell you what, why he's scary because he just looks like a dude.

Like he doesn't get enough fuck about his hair at all. I know, he's from the seventh. He's got no style whatsoever. He's just a guy, he's like, yeah, drink beer and do this. Yeah, that's all he's exactly. He does enough. Yeah, I'll tell you what, this guy's got a kid in military school.

He hasn't seen in years. Yeah. Or in Melty College, I'll tell you what this guy's got a kid in military school. He hasn't seen in years Or multi college whatever they have out there the maple corpse Yeah, the maple corpse So you know so funny is the trophy for this is the exact trophy that should you know because all these sports a karate Would they give these trophies and it's like dude you give it a baseball trophy to a guy who just came somebody in that This one is a For hammer really such a great trophy. Yeah, it's a great trophy. You ever notice how big wait a second. It's not a truck It's our constantly playing for trucks Is that a bus is he sponsored by a Buffalo artist Oh, this is Buffalo Wild Wings. No way. No way.

No watches. Yep. Watch this. Oh, no. What happened? I don't know. Why do you start? I guess he, that's bullshit.

They said he cheated or something. Look at his arm though. Look at his fucking arm. He's such a dick. No, he's mad, man. This fucking guy fucked him. He didn't even touch. I think something, I've never even heard this guy's voice

and I can tell you he's hit at least a woman. Yeah, definitely, definitely an anti-movement. That's his wife right there. His wife, see it right there, done the bottom corner. Yeah, she's screaming the old time. She knows where to stay. Bottom corner bitch, don't take my sunshine. This is Devon's time.

Did they make good money doing this shit or what? Ah yeah, they make a right money. But they travel after this too though. They make a lot, but he didn't even fucking, that was bullshit right there. He stared them down to this guy as a fucking insane man. Yeah, look at that arm. Guy's six, six.

I think he's six, six with that arm. Look at that guy. You're back in there. You ever think you're thinking about doing it Bobby? You out of your mind on the circuit. No, I'm not pulling my I am just you want to do it right now? Yeah, do it right now. No, I'm a horrible arm wrestling. So I'm talking about I just don't know how to do it I just told you get a pull towards you. I know When you said and it's like maybe I'll win maybe I'll get destroyed. I have no I don't know what it is I don't either let's try dude. I have no I don't know what it is. I don't need I can't do it either. Let's try dude I do an acting

Thing one time I took acting class once for like eight weeks or with who was Joanne Paxson I think on your recommendation Not a mic no because I have an actor to you in New York I did not give you that recommended right or the Joanna Bexon and me and Sean I think he passed away Sean don't lose that no not Sean. Oh Jesus Christ No, Sean love Sean fucking forgetting his name now. I feel terrible. He was a comic and we were both he's dead I think he's a house. No, he used to box. He was like a boxer too. You know him for sure Fuck I can't remember his name, but he uh, I'm left an impression. We were both in the class red act

We were both there's no benefits for him. We were both in the class. We were both. There's no benefits for him. We were both. Jay never did a we're both like, why not even did and like he didn't get a go fund me out of Jay. I think I like he used to host the Boston sometimes. Yeah. And I think I would like, but when I first started talking to the audience a little bit, I was like, bus balls with the hosts a little bit. Maybe I don't know. Whatever it was, I thought he had some thing. We were always cordial and friendly, but we had to do a scene. They were like, I want you to do it out while you know.

I want you to know this guy was black. Maybe put golden gloves. If he was a golden gloves box, I don't know. But we were arm wrestling. And the thing was like, and it was like actually arm wrestling. We'll try to win, but do the scene

while you're like arm wrestling. So you get concentrate on the scene. Just stupid. And I swear to you we we ripped arms and they go go and we were like in the middle thing there and he goes you go fucking murder you motherfucker and I was I went and I just like while I was like and then he just like you know he was like he's like he's like he's like I was fun and I was like I didn't like that at all why did you say that you know she was saying you know getting the thing I'm like I don't know that at all. Why did you say that? She was saying, you know, getting the thing. I'm like, I don't know. That was weird.

I just sang. I went, uh, what you look so tough, Jay, you can't arm wrestle. I don't think I'm not tough in the most basic sense of the word, but I can't arm wrestle. Okay. I don't like mode. I can't do a chin up either. Maybe a chin up some bullshit. Whenever when I live with Billy, he had the chin up bar in the hallway and he just walked

out and and just do 10 chin ups. And I just can even at my even when I was at my tippy top shape, I have like heavy hips or something. I just can't pull them out. I don't know the idea of it, but I'll just be. We arms, Bobby. Talk about people's different like feelings for certain accomplishments in life. If I did a chin up, unassisted one time ever got the chin to the bar.

Yeah. Arms bent. I mean, it would be a new lease on life. I just, I, but why you don't think you can do one. I think you could do one chin up with the verse grip when I was doing, what I was doing, what I was doing, when I was doing CrossFit for the two years, I was doing that. And I'm sorry.

What did you just say CrossFit the two years I was doing that I'm sorry. What did you say crossfit for two years when was this We're 13000. Oh you did this in when I knew you were you ripped? Yeah, you did crossfit no, but it was a best shape I was ever and I lost the most well crush. It's a fucking was around the time I mean I did a tell no I think right the best shape. I was in on like a tea when I did a tells thing on for the late night No, yeah underground show I Was the best yeah, I did it for two years. I mean, I was like great at it But I did it every day or four or five days a week. You consistently

Chubby and you're also very What's the word I'm looking for proportioned? Thank you like you're not like when I get to that It's like it's like this. when I get fat it's fucked up. Like I just turn into letters. You know what I mean? Like I'm up a case B right now. It's just terrible. Like you've, oh wait, you've been fat your whole life.

Yes. So yeah. I was saying it's so weird, like when you have the cameras where they're set up and I don't know what the angles are or the shooting was fine. It doesn't matter either way. Yeah, however, just like people who are who whose body doesn't change, I would never know the idea that when you sit or stand, your body doesn't change the way it looks.

And that's why I was making me laugh. You're buttoning. You're a buttoning your shirt. Oh, man. I was terrified. You're everybody's shirt. And when you sat back on it, it was just like at the seams. Yeah, and that is it made me laugh only because it was pure empathy. It was just me going like man I know like button down shirts is like sometimes the slimmest fitting looking one. Oh, maybe look almost in shape

Yeah, a button down shirt when I'm standing and then when I sit down literally a button will explode off me I have the snaps that'll just... I wore the shirt out tonight, and as soon as I came up with my wife looked up from her denishment, I don't know. And I knew exactly what she was talking about. And then I was like, really? She goes, you know what, you can wear it. Just, she's not buttoning it.

I go, I can't. I mean, literally, if you gave me $10,000 to button it right now, I wouldn't be able to do it. You rather, she say put on something else? No, because I know she would. I've watched out. I think you'd rather, you like that she does it. Here's the thing, I like that she's honest with me.

I ask Christine, every time, are Christine's never said ever great. And that's impossible. What do you mean? When I ask, I'm a pain in the ass, probably the ass, I'm like, do I look alright? I'm gonna do this or we're filming whatever. Like, and she just goes, yeah, always,

it's too casual. Oh, she's, yeah, you want, she doesn't go like, she's giving like a little like, oh, a fixture, hair in the front, but it's never just been like, yeah, no, your body looks terrible. So you're thinking, and it happened because I've taken pictures those nights. And you get mad, you get mad, I've got, I don't got mad, yeah, no, your body looks terrible. So you're thinking, it happened because I've taken pictures those nights.

And you get mad. And you get mad. I've got a man at her, no. I've got mad at Don when she's like, anytime we have to go to a wedding, she'll be like, put out these array of pants that I have to try on, that many different sizes of Bob Kelly

over the last four years. And she'd be like, all right, try these on. And I go, I go, they're not gonna fit. She's like, you don't just try them on. And I put the first one on and I can tell as soon as my knees don't fit, I rip them off. By the time I get to the fourth pair, I'm so angry and I hate myself so much that I'm just almost at tears.

Like they don't fucking fit. She's like, wait, I don't know what you want me. I mean, we want to do I ask you Bobby do you get pissed? It's I bought I bought two pair I want a beats headphones and a The new air pod headphones at a mall in Albany because I went to them all and the fury I feel when you walk around there's nothing you can get in a mall in Albany because I went to the mall and the fury I feel when you walk around there's nothing you can get in a mall you're like man the clothes and that store are fucking great. And it's like well why don't we go in and look at certain so my cause it's just gonna break

my heart. When there are two X is for a slim tall person. It's a European two X. You know I'm like we have to just go at this sucks dick so I just bought I want to leave here with something I'm happy I got. I we have to just go at this sucks dick. So I just bought, I go, I want to leave here with something I'm happy I got. I did have to pay the phone. I've literally, that's why I walk out

with something all the time. I give myself missions. Yeah, I give, yeah, because it's so sad, because we have to go to the store that's attached to the mall, but it's separated. You know what I mean? Mall, the way we sent it. Yeah, we have to park over there.

Yeah. We have to leave the building to go get a shirt at that store. Before you can even go to that store, remember sifting through the big clothes at a Marshall's. Oh, I used to work at Marshall's, man. That's just, yeah. That's making you want to, you're like, of course, you're at a close

because I don't want to dress like DJ jazzy Jeff Yeah, I know 2021 You have to wear like a Forex rocker I'm gonna go to Berlin 10. Did you get did you go to the Berlin 10 phase where The only to co-factor. Yeah, I was wearing like all like rock-a-weird long sleeve T-shirts because they they were three X and four X and all these Hittiest colors that obviously like the department stores didn't want it's sad Yeah, there's only four cool fat guy shirts. No, what I do. I mean like you the way you dress

But you you lost way too, but what I do now though you just rock and roll yeah, by try but I mean what a What I do though now is just get shirts that I like, like the fit of the shirt plain. And just have, we know a million merch people now. So those are like crank out stuff I want. I, I, there's only one t-shirt I wear. I wear a V-neck or a crew neck. It's Harbor Bay, DXL. It's a 2X tall.

Cause I wear tall, I learned, cause Louis actually taught me this. Harbor Bay, he goes get, get, get the tall the tall Hard cuz when you raise your hand on stage. Yes, your stomach doesn't pop up Haven't bought something doesn't have tea on it and by the way I hate when I tell a costuming for somewhere or someone says I want to send you a thing like what's your size? I go to XLT that tea is Extremely important and it's the 2x comes and you're like, it's a half top man.

Yeah. Yeah, I bring my own shirts on set. I'm shooting that movie with Louis. Yeah. I literally went and bought my own shirts. Damn. Because I know that I'm gonna get there and they're gonna be like, oh this does,

oh you're not a regular human being fat. Like you're, you're stomach is bigger than your shoulders. They dressed me at the goddamn comedy jam. Oh, you got fucking idiot. They put like a stupid leather jacket. I just look at a fucking jerk off. And then I sang a song. That's what you have a shirt that sits on your belly wrong.

Can you make sure this, you just didn't let a fucking serial look in, please guys. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that.

I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. It's like Joe just buzzed the buzzer and just sat down and started editing fucking G show. Yeah, but you're you were in shape because I saw photos you you're in the military. Yeah, but I was dude. I was I'd never a specimen man. I was always on the bottom run when it came to PT man. My last year I got in really good shape. I had a moment with my shirt too. I was with fucking Mark with Norman and Sarah Keece and I showed up with like a shirt like that, open on the outside, he's just like, ooh buddy, he's like, you gonna wear that on stage?

I was just like, oh, what? He said that? Well, he's autistically. He got me. And so I was like, it's not a big deal and then I got on stage. I was like, is this shirt too small and it's like, yeah, it's a little small.

So I ran to like the dealers on the other side of all about a jacket and what a recent weekend. That's that's that that would take me down that would crush me. Josh Josh Adam iris. You got shit on bonfire because me and Christine made it. We talked shit jokingly about being as good synchronized swimming as any Olympian you and yeah. And so we made a video.

And I'll put it in the what? Yeah, so we made it. It's you and Christine. You can watch it. I'm not sure if you guys are I don't know because that's a That's a lot of views on this one But yeah, it's funny but I'm very Other people give me kudos for having My shirt off Your brave and it is brave trust me I'm not sure if you guys are I'm not sure if you guys are I'm not sure if you guys are

I'm not sure if you guys are I'm not sure if you guys are I'm very, other people get me kudos for having my shirt off. Oh, it's brave. And it is brave. Trust me, even the joke of it being brave that sucks, it was brave, because I hate that. But we were watching it on the show and I go, and it's fine, because I would do the same thing, but Josh,

shit, amires, I go, man, I can't watch this. Just put it out. It's fine, but I can't. It's bumming me out. Really? And I go, I think a big ol' glob of shit. And then Josh, and I go, oh, I can't watch this. Just put it out. It's fine, but I can't. It's bumming me out. Really? And I go, I think a big old glob of shit. And the judge in America's, oh, you only look gloppy and like that one part. Oh, say never, say never no part. And he's, he's got a fucking Brad Pitt body. He does. He's definitely got that LA rock star body. Who was it?

Just let somebody in. So somebody's being murdered somewhere. Okay, good. But not here. Dude me and man Doug. He got a Airbnb or a comedy festival. Cause you gay. Yeah. Dude, you talk about bill and fill an insecure. This is. Why?

Is he ripped or something? Doug key is fucking rip man. Who's Doug key? He's a New York comic. I don't know. You know, he runs. Um, he runs the, um, uh, uh, uh, Rogaz and comedy festival. I don't know.

It still does nothing. You never, you never met Festival. I don't know. It still does nothing. You never, you never met dad. I don't know. Maybe I had. I saw him. I always just hit. Oh, yeah. Can you make it bigger, please?

Oh my God. Is there any way to make it bigger? I don't know. Oh my God. You got to hear it. Oh my God. Are those jeans shorts? No.

My Dungery shorts. She wrote me like a surfboard. Now why, though, that's not synchronized. We used a pretty amazing shit. Where is this? You don't want to say. I've been, what's it got Montauk? Is this your summer home?

No, it was an Airbnb for three days. What is she doing? Oh, how come you guys... I'll show you what she's about to do. What? Shut your fucking mouth! What? Woo!

I just snapped your neck. I'd say, pick your perfect. That was great. You don't look bad, dude. Look at Olympics. She got a booger. She was tied. I haven't been in the pool in years, man.

It was great. I'm not a shirt off outside, guy. I fucked that up. Yeah, I don't love it. I hate my body. I don't love doing it. I went on stage last week. I forgot my outer shirt.

Because fat guys have protection. I don't, I don't love doing it. I went on stage last week. I forgot my outer shirt because fat guys have protection. Our outfits are protecting us from our own thoughts, right? So my, you know, how you dress. Baggy sweatshirt. Baggy sweatshirt. I have outer shirt. My outer shirt hides my shape.

And it just shows the front. I can't button them because very rarely do you get a cool outer shirt that can button on me because of my weird You know the two X up top and I have a four X stomach so You know I have the legs of an 87 year old fucking woman from Worcester, Massachusetts It's just I've said this a million times. I'm I'm terribly shaped. I have an Irish Legs and I have a Italian stomach. We have brought it up on legs and I have a Italian stomach. We have brought it up on sex.

Let's let me go talk about it. I said I went for a consultation for a football life of a suction. Yeah, too expensive. And how much is it? It's a 13 grand. Jesus. To get you a, but don't make it,

you're pussy fat gone, but don't make it gone. Yeah, but why don't you just go get the fucking, that's an extra, that's an, that's an inch and a half a dick dangle. That's awesome. But why don't you just go get the fucking that's an extra that's an that's an inch and a half a dick dangle That's awesome, yeah, but why don't you get yes? Why don't you get the the fucking stomach thing? What do you mean get the stomach the surgery the surgery? The snow fucking be shredded what do you mean the uh Well, they don't the left band right lap band like Jessica got it Lisa got it

um a friend of mine oh my god it Lap band, right? Lap band. Like Jessica got it, Lisa got it, a friend of mine, Omar got it. There's so many people that I get, this guy Oscar, a musher's friend, and you fucking lose all of it. And I'll tell you what happens too. There's these cells in your stomach. Yeah. And when they take half of your stomach away,

they take those cells out, those cells are the things that make you want to get fat again. I don't know the names of them, please don't fucking comment. And don't tell me I'm wrong. They're fat cells. I was talking, because I went for a consultation on this.

And he was like, well, those will be eliminated. So it will be easier. I'm not gonna do it. Because here's why they wanted me to do I want to me to lose 25 pounds I was like fucking whatever my buddy was gonna get it too my thing is if you're gonna lose the 25 to get the surgery I have to say just keep going just keep going You can do it man. I know it gets harder as we get out. Well, I mean by the way, so you're gonna it's not like you're gonna Get lap and surgery and then you're like I lost that 25 pounds now I get the surgery and I can start eating

McDonald's again. You can't do it anyway, so you might as well to keep going No, I also don't think the amount of weight that I have to lose genuinely would require like weight loss surgery No, it's just like eating better for me and I've just had my have been but you you you even in the loss I'm seven seventy pounds lighter. Yeah, you look good, dude Yeah, but you you look good You don't look bad. I mean that video dude. I'm fatter than you No, oh yes, you're beautiful. Well, we gotta get we gotta get sure. No, we gotta see oh it bothers me to no end No, I'm fatter than the comic name big J

Okay, what's that ideal way Bobby? What if you could just be it right now. What would it be? I just what I'm always interested in and I'm sorry to cut the question I don't know, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. real quick, 220. That's mine. I don't know the beats. All right, hang on, 250, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Fuckin' asshole. No, no, that's what I would like to be too. It's 220. If I could be 220 or 230, I'd be fine. What I've said was gonna say is that, we talked about it before too. I can't believe that I don't know what it's like to sit down and be like, just comfortable in a shirt and everything

Oh god, you did I know you were like in shape when you described as my favorite is the the overalls No shirt of the refit that was Puerto Rican Bobby. Yeah, that was overalls no underwear With just life feeder underneath the V and I do it. I had the V dude. I try to tell this the other night. I forget where maybe it was on skanks. My wife took out a pair of bikini yellow bikini swim trunks that I bought in 2008. I got it. I bought them for me. I bought. You're seeing them, huh? I bought three red vampire red. Oh boy. I bought Canary Yellow.

I bought black and I bought, I think a sea foam green. All the same pair of bikini. They were bikini, but they had a little trim on them, right? They hung a little bit, and I fitted them, and I looked the fuck amazing in them, and I was shredded, and she went, she grabbed me, and she goes, what are these? I go, I'm wearing these, my new, I bought these.

These are my swim trucks. She goes, you're not wearing bikini. I go, I'm wearing them, because I never know where I'm gonna be. And if I'm gonna look back and know, I'm gonna photos of me in these beautiful, fucking little tiny swim trunks. I'm wearing these fucking things. I go, fuck you, I'm wearing them.

I work my ass off. I just lost 80 pounds. Damn. And I had, I had a fucking six pack. I had the V. I was trimming my bush fat again because I could see my Fuckin's back up. I mean it was so I bought everything and the idea of shaving your dick hair a little bit your dick look better Dude sounds great. Let me tell you something. We get to a rubah. I am pack What oh, I go where are my fucking shoes? I threw them out. Wow. I go what she goes you're not wearing those I was fucking

Really mad wow, she's like I go you I regretted that I Regretted that so fucking much. You know she did four days ago well She pulled out a fucking pair. Oh, she had him She pulled out a fucking pair. Oh, she had him. She pulled out the canary yellows. To laughing. And she goes, I was, no.

She's not a fucking, remember my wife? I'm gonna spit these. No, but maybe why? No, maybe she goes like this. I was saying something about putting on shorts. She goes here, put these on. And she, I go, the canary yellowss she starts laughing and I I went to go put them on I couldn't get them past my fucking I got them up over my knees and

they all that's the only I ripped them up on my ass and I ripped them over to my and you could barely see them because of my stomach and I ripped and it was and I was in the mirror and I go I could have worn these when they fucking fit me perfectly and I'll and I'll never have that you rob me of that that's yeah and I picked and I took them off and I threw them at her I think if you know the force behind the she's behind the pool yeah if you get for that. I think she pays you out though. Yeah. It was sad, man. It was fucking sad. Dude, there's nothing worse to me when like you lose weight.

You have like an outfit pair of pants that you really like. And then you get a little too confident. You go, I can have some Pete Tuck and have this. And then you kind of start sliding. And then you try to wear those pants again. And you like fuck. I did it again, man. The kiss of death for me and Christine's very similar to me in this way. Is someone going like, man, you look fuck. Well, that's the kiss. I did it again, man. The kiss of death for me and Christine's very similar to me in this way.

It is someone going like, man, he look great. You're like, well, I'm going to start eating my shit again. Isn't that fucked up? You get a great work going. So this week we could have two shitty days of eating. Instead of just one normally, dude. And it takes, it takes a day to bring gain it all back. That doesn't matter.

I mean, you'll work so hard, 30 pounds, and in a week, it's all back and then something. It's crazy. It's crazy. And here's the thing too, I actually left the thing on Tim Dillon, he's always posting these photos. I left it was a hamburger with bacon, and then it was an egg. And I went, what the fuck, I need this, something like that.

And the amount of fat comments that I got, I didn't look at them, but some guy was like, dude, why are they so mean to you? It was just like, it was a response to a little honest. That's someone who hasn't been fat their whole life, Bobby, I can't show appreciation for deliciousness and food and amounts of food in front of other people. Yeah, but it's like,

if I go to a phase and I go, I have to say this, I go stupid. Okay, food probably all stuck sit it anyway. I'm not a, I'm not a fan of the egg on the burger, man. What? I can't do it.

What? Then you don't like Japanese people. I love Japanese people. Then you like the egg on the burger. I mean, I'm holding Pearl Harbor anger. Sorry, put him in the camps. I say round and round. We still don't have answers. Oh, they're getting cut to you again. Listen, the egg, uh, Put him in the camps. I say round him up. We still don't have answers. Oh

They get in country again. Listen the egg The egg dude I get it but I don't I don't Yeah, that's the idea. I can't do it. I can't do runny. I get it for the flavor But like the texture I can do without I do it. I love a runny. I love ramen with the egg in it a runny egg Do you We're here. We gotta go to over years non of us, dude. We have to write your passion For a delicious bite of stuff, especially when it's yeah, we don't talk about What's that we do, but we don't talk about not anymore, but I'm saying and we don't

Me you haven't had a passion to talk about pussy in so long. We've had more about ramen. Yeah, dude, we've talked about food really passionately. Absolutely. But it's almost my point, but we're also never talking passionately. It's not about like, like, how the, something French bistro hit our palettes. It's like, dude, an azeago ranch chicken from Wendy's just cranking it at 3 a.m. is just like, who needs pussy? There's cartoons right on my computer.

Dude, when I was on strict in my diet, I got to, because I was not doing any carbs. You know when you go to that carb desperation, there was a point where if they were like, you can either have sex with your wife or have some bread, I was 100% gonna go for the carbs, man. One, there's 100% pancakes, a waffle, something, man. I think carbs is better than pussy, man.

Dude, I'm a big rice guy, and I love rice. If I could live on anything, I would just get a fucking thing of rice. Just regular white rice. Oh, white sticky. White rice. Sticky Japanese. Yeah, I like the buzz, my old. That type of rice, Just regular white rice. Oh white sticky. Like sticky. Sticky Japanese. Yeah, I like to buzz my own.

That type of rice I was just fucking my god, but if you had chicken and rice all the time, you lose a tattoo weight. No, the rice, something about the carbs fucked me up, dude. I don't know what it is. It's a portion, it has to be portioned. Dude, I can't do that though. I'm a full fledged.

I am out and out fucking addict. I am not how many slice you doing a pizza now dude. I was over it. I don't have pizza, but I'll tell you the last time I was over it. I was over at Janus Popus, who is a fatty in the making. He's got a he better hold on because Janus is us. Yeah. Oh, yeah, dude, you see it. He can he takes it off quick right now. Once these tea levels go down What's that testosterone starts dying? He's not gonna be and once he gets and he's happy once he gets happy and he ain't leaving the house He's just in front of a microphone. Can he because he's got his Greek and attack. I mean dude

He's got all the food me and him one this one. I knew y knew, Janus was a fatty like me. We went to Joe's, ordered a pizza to bring back over here. As we waited for the pizza to cook, we ate a pizza in slices. Jesus. Two slices and we're back here. Let's get two more. We're back gonna go to,

I mean, we ate more than a pizza. And then we ate that pizza. Then we ate that pizza. We had a pizza each. Christine just came. I do it. My buddy does this. Have you heard of this? This is like a, the movie FATO right now. Get the honey Jr. I want fucking pizza.

This is what he does. He'll order at a drive-through and while he's doing that, order a pizza. So when he gets home, there's a pizza there. Oh, God. So he eats his shit in the car. And then when he gets home, like five minutes later, boom, a pizza there. So he eats his shit in the car and then when he gets home like five minutes later, boom, a pizza shows up pretty well. What I do now for years is I eat two pieces of pizza. Yeah. And then I take off my other two pieces of pizza that would be, if me and Christina's splitting a pizza, right? I take the crusts off of them. I love this. And then I take all the cheese and mushroom shit off right and put that on a plate And then like a little fucking weird fat. So I just decorate the crust with

Slab the keys like walking dead masks. I just Oh my god, it's so sad. Oh my god. It's so sexy. I mean after she watches me do that weird Not the same night. This is a, I think, is trying to, like, I think she has a dependence or something. She's trying to feel better about herself. Yeah, she's trying to achieve a goal or try to get some of a ward. She swears.

She wants my shirt off. She wants me to sleep naked. All these things, I'm like, you don't want me to for real. I don't know how women do it. Hey, man, look at some guys like, there's a woman that lists this man, Klai on top of her. And just pump till he just dumps all of them. I just, I don't know how women do it. Hey man, look at some guys like there's a woman that lists this man climb on top of her.

And just pump till he just dumps all of it. I just, I don't know y'all do it. I'll tell you that. I think Jay is a great guy. Well, it'll fuck me. Oh yeah, yeah. You don't want to picture me laying on you. I'll say what?

Yeah, but we both, I'm like, this is what upsets her though. We both have man bodies. Like we're chubby, but I'm still a man. And like I still got, you know, I still got guns. No That's the thing about I think America we get tattoos. Yeah, you know, I mean we have we're an illusion I'm talking about this in therapy. So we'll get there. I said we said we should partner with some of the raw oil air force guys Some time and their bodies like these older like enlisted guys. Oh my god. This is so gooey Like I remember this one. Do he was standing with his hands on his hips and they were just

sinking like one of those memory foam mattresses. I was like, this guy is built like a middle-aged nanny. Just no muscle mass at all. It's just fat to the bone. But I think at least American guys, we have at least layer of muscle underneath the fat part. No, no. You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? No, no, no, go to 7-11 at fucking two in the morning. Watch a guy walk out with a big gulp and a fucking thing of donuts. But dude, I just think our fat people are different here. I mean, dude, the people that listen to me do it. Go to a truck stop, watch the fat people. Go down south. I live in Virginia.

Yeah, dude, listen to me, dude. Our fat people look at their ankles, look at their legs, look at the fucking elbows. You know, don't we have the best fats? Dude, our fat people are fucking. That's bad. Dude. Say, go on a cruise ship.

Yeah, dude, go on a fucking, what are those guys? Prattle Joker's cruise. Prattle, dude, I was on a Prattle Joker's cruise. These two bitches pulled up. A Bobby, the thing I got damn wafe. Yeah, dude, I was in shape. Yeah, you'll get pussy on that thing

if you're not in a scooter. Dude, I thought I was in shape. Yeah, you'll get pussy on that thing if you're not in a scooter. Dude, I thought I saw two scooter chicks. They were so fat at the buffet at like three in the morning. They pulled up to the table and just push the chairs away in the scooter, eight over the handlebars. I'm not kidding, they didn't get out of the fucking lock. Dude, they said what a lot of people do.

Mike Fenoy was something that got in the car, like a cruise nachos. They get like whatever there is, like a little bit of meat, whatever salad, a slice of pizza, some pasta, they make a taco, whatever. And then they go to the end of the thing and you could just scoop cheese.

Oh, God. But I saw, I was going to the buffet and the elevated door opened and there was two massive women with two plates of food, one in each hand. And one, I remember they both had one plate had pizza, mac and cheese, slice of pizza, mac and cheese, slice of pizza, mac and cheese on one plate. Man.

And first of all, I was like, that's awesome. Yeah. Like what a great idea. I never thought I'd throw it just like I was on a fork through just like I was on you. Yeah, well, they were going back to their room. They were going back to the room. It's just, yeah, fresh. Let me tell you something though,

when you talk about like pizza, like food, I figured out this, food has been my friend, my best friend, and has never left me. It's always true. During, from when I was first in, as a little kid, lonely, nobody liked me, no dad, mom was working, sister hated me, alone in the house,

and I remember food was my best friend. Sure. Cause I didn't know how to... Was it your reward, to ever? It was my reward because I would wake up from naps and my uncle, Sean, would always put a twinkier, a devil dog on my pillow next to me. And it was like, it made me light up

because there's my pal. Because I didn't hang out. I didn't have nobody. I didn't have friends. I had older, I had five uncles, two aunts. I was always this little mascot. They used to call me spiff. I used to open beers for everybody You get fucked up. I could take a sip out of you know 15 beers in it at you know before kindergarten I was just in the corner grueling, you know, yeah, look at spiff

You gotta do three card modesty before you could count. Yeah, dude But I just remember food. I remember getting a sub in a bag of chips and a in a soda and sitting down in front of a TV and like a movie was coming on or a show was on. And I would almost talk to my food like, hey, we're ready. All right, I'm ready. You ready? And we'd sit there and I was so, it was the same feeling as having a friend or being in love. You know what I mean? My grandma Friday nights, like after school,

when everything was over, I can get one of the things I remember wanting to get was alphas, pizza house. There's small pizza. It was like, you know, decent size though for a kid, especially, but it just, it was like a cardboard bottom to it and a cardboard top.

And I remember like the unsheathing of that cardboard top and it's just hot and you're like, and then just like watching, also the sadness of watching it disappear. Oh yeah. Oh man. And there's weird, me and Christine, like there's none of them,

neither was like to finish the food first because then you just mad the other person has more. Oh my God, emotional things like that. I think the liver, yeah, because that's how you, man. Yeah, no, finishing food first, like my wife eats so slow, and it drives me mental. But I remember, I remember back when I was a kid, man,

I remember, like I would count the chips, like in my head, because I didn't want to have a bite without a chip, and I didn't want, I had to make the decision, do I want the sip of soda to be the last taste? Yeah. Or do I want the salt of the chip, or do I want the, the savouriness of the steak and cheese?

I still. The what's gonna be the last taste? Cause it's gonna go away, and and I need I have to remember it I thought I was the only person that did shit like this man I eat from healthiest thing to least healthy always yeah, like I'll do south for Get it out of the way but then if it's like broccoli and something else in asparagus and then Cheesy potatoes and meat say it's like it does I'm gonna finish the asparagus like all the vegetables Just get it out the way I'm like all right asparagus like all the vegetables just get it out the

I'm like all right. I've done the good thing. Let me enjoy food. Yeah Dude it's so it's so it's bad. It's bad, but it's also well I was if I could say yeah, Christina. I don't think she I tried to call it I don't know if I got a hold of her about this because I was laughing and I wanted to write it down Because I thought of it. I go, it's the instincts of things. So that day I had lunch and I was like, if I have lunch, because it's tamping in proff, the food, the improvs always blows. You know, so I was like, oh, I'll just get like a, I'll eat lunch today.

I'll just get like a small, whatever their shitty appetizers or something are there. And then I'll have nothing. That's what I'll do. So I'll justify getting lunch today. And I try to curb it like that. And I got there smokehouse nachos. And it was just I had a few. I didn't even have too much. It was just what I was eating. At that point was like, I won't put a like double fist and you try to like get too many in your mouth instead of just breaking it off. It's like trying to. Yeah.

I said, I don't eat popcorn still. I don't like, it's on my shirt because I have to do a, well, I can't just grab a piece of it. No, you're, it's the feeling of your mouth being full and it's almost like being hugged. When it goes, when it, when it, when it, it argue, you're wrong.

When it tastes, when you get the taste bud and then it fills, it fills you. So it's like, you're feeling this emotional, physical, it's a physical thing that made me, it was like all the stuff happening at once where I just felt good. It's like meeting a chick and kissing and rubbing. I'm talking about the actual act of eating.

When they show on shows or movies, like someone bingeing and purging, like that, but you're not gonna purge, but it's just like you're hovering over it. You're just waiting for another bite of it. You're chewing a chip staring at the things going, I can't, yeah. This one here with this meat on it,

like carrying that much. But you just watch people, I'm not carrying, you know, carrying Margot, it's like being Christina who's always laughed because she'll come over and like you want a cookie. We have some like Oreos and like, we all take three Oreos and like, she eats like half a one and then she's back

to like watching the movie. It's like behind her. And then she'll get up and go to the bathroom and come back and be like, oh, I forgot. And being Christina, like, we curbed ourselves to three cookies a piece. Why are you still making a seem like, you know, you not want those? Should me and hers give you those?

That's what bothers me. I would be like, why is he not eating the rest of this fucking cookie, man? Yeah. Dude, I actually took mush. We went to lunch in North Carolina, I think. So maybe South Carolina. Ramen. And I'm such a fat fuck.

I wanted, I love ramen. It's one of my favorite meals of all time. And I love good ramen. And we found a ramen place literally a walking distance from the hotel. And we walk in and they had all the ramen in these, it was like, mad I'm torsso ramen. It's like, you know what I mean?

It was fake, but it looked real. You know that shit? So I was like, oh, I forget what ramen I like. So I was like, I want that one. And most of us like, oh, I like, I'm gonna get the tuk-saka, whatever the fuck. I was like, oh, I forget what ramen I like. So I was like, I want that one. And most of us like, oh, I like, I'm going to get the took sock or whatever. I was like, okay. And he kind of helped me with one of those. It goes, oh, you want this.

So we go, we go in, we order the ramen. I order an extra thing of whatever that we don't even need. But I want to try it because I become a food channel talent when I'm on the road. Yeah, I'm gonna take photos of this. I gotta let people know. Sure. And we tell us.

So I order a curry. I order a curry on the side which is just ridiculous. He goes to the bathroom and they drop the ramen and I taste mine and it's not the one I like and I look at his and it's physically, it looks like the one I like and I look at his and it physically it looks like the one I like I tasted his I took his and I switched them just switched it never told I switched them and I never told them but he knew really yeah that's a palette I dude he knew I took it and I ate it and I kept

going how's your ramen he's like it's fine and he ate dude, he knew. I took it and I ate it and I kept going, how's your ramen? He's like, it's fine. And he ate half of it and later I was like, dude, I have to tell you, I took your ramen because it meant so much to me to have the ramen to, because I'm not supposed to have it. And I'm having it. I made the decision to use the drug to do the heroin.

And I didn't want to do coke when I run into the heroin. You know what I mean? So I took the heroin and he did the coke. And coke when I run into heroin. You know what I mean? So I took the heroin and he did the coke and he was a guy, I know, but I it doesn't matter. So even though you're like most in shape though, it was always a battle for you mentally had to be because when you were, when you were, when you were, I want to do it when you were, when you were, when you were, when you were, you were thinner. Yes. Younger when I knew you, your jokes were still about at least kill me with the fucking, the plotting the pizza being fucking.

Oh, dude, that was a good. I was going to do that. Dude, I would win. We went me and Quinn one night because you know, hang in there. First of all, when I used to come here and then all of a sudden, you're having meals with Quinn in between. So me and Quinn went to Joe's pizza. No, John's pizza, not Joe's.

John's in between our sets at the seller. And I'm like, oh my god, this is the greatest thing ever. I'm hanging out with Colin Quinn. We're going to get pizza. We order a pizza. We're going to split it. He fucking takes his pizza. We're eating.

We both get, you know, we look we survey. There's a greatest slice. That's the other greatest slice. He takes the greatest slice. I take the second greatest slice on the pie. We're okay. Cool. I'm with that. He's eating. I'm eating. He takes his crust whole crust and puts it down on the plate and goes for the next slice. So I panic. I'm like, I'm trying to eat my crust. I'm eating my crust. He goes, he, all of a sudden he puts down another crust and goes for another slice. I finally said, Hey, buddy, this is fucking illegal. He goes, what are you talking about? I go, you got to eat your crust. He goes, I don't eat my crust. I eat my

crust at the end. I go, that's fucking cheating. I go, that's a shortcut. I go, I'm eating every fucking out. You know, hard is need to crust. And he's getting first selection on all slices. He got every, I got the bubble slice. He got the third, fourth and fifth best slice. He got the third, he got all the best slices. I got the bubble slice with no cheese and just burnt.

And then when I popped the bottle, it was nothing under it. Oh, it just black. Just so it, I was so fucking angry at this Shit that he did that to me. That's a friendship challenge my wife. She's a chicken wings weird She only likes drumsticks and she doesn't nine jokes the opposite nine jokes him on our heads sexual jokes We had a pull back because he's a big guy and it's his wife. I can't you know I just started even chicken wings recently. I can only do the flat ones. I like either or my wife has a drumstick.

That's all she likes. And she won't even eat it to the bone. She likes just rips a layer off the outer layer. That's it. And then she's done. So there's meat on the bottom, meat on the top and then the skin. I mean, she literally just takes like two or three pieces

of chicken off of it and she's done with it. Same with pizza. I actually get mad at my son. Because my wife makes chicken wings, they're amazing. Oil, salt and pepper, and another spice. If you go to this, air fryer. And nope, she begs him. But air fryer is great.

Yeah, 100 air fryer. She begs him and they're fucking, too, she make like 18 of them. My kid will fucking eat 13 of them, but he leaves the chicken on the bone. And I, we're gonna, she told me to shut the fuck up. Cause I was like, hey, you gotta eat the chicken. She's like, let him eat, let him not be you,

fatso is basically what she's saying, you know what I mean? Dude, chicken wings, mother fucker, I'll eat the whole thing. Is that your favorite chicken wings? No, just wings, motherfucker. I like the whole thing. Is that your favorite chicken wings? No. It's pizza? No. Sandwiches, my jam. That's your go-to?

No. If I could. What's your go-to? I want to eat whatever the fuck. I ramen. Ramen, dude, wherever I go. If I go to a... If I go to a...

No. If I go to a town I I started looking ramen places up Like I used to look up massage pauses and whole houses. I'm not kidding. I used to you know I don't know how robbing how much you could change it but the thing about Italians I found You could make like healthier Italian at home That's pretty much on par with Italian in a restaurant unless you're getting like you know It's a chicken parmer somebody ordered, like, we do like gluten-free pasta that tastes exactly the fucking same.

It does taste the same, but I don't even like, I'm not, I think I'm done, like, I haven't had, it's been seven weeks now. I haven't had bread, rice, pasta, zero sugar. Zero sugar, I mean, I've had sugar, but not willingly. Like, things, I've tasted stuff, I'm like, the sugar, the sugar in there. Yeah, the snickers. Because when, I've had sugar, but not willingly. Like things I've tasted stuff. I like the sugar sugar in that It's niggas because when you don't have it, it's great. You can just taste it, right?

I fell into a popsicle No, but I haven't had like I've been at ice cream or sugar or chocolate or any of that My goodness, or softy outside after this dude. Let me tell you some I'm not a summer night, Mr. Softy. So what's your, what's your, that's your diet? No carbs? Dude, I'm doing no carbs, no grains, and I'm doing no, no foods like with shit in it.

I did that for a year, my last year in the military. After that week, you went normal, and I was like, fuck, I could drink it and everything. I did, yeah, no rice, no bread, no, no, no, like comp, no simple carbs. Yeah. So it was just, it was just vegetables, chicken, and fish, that was it.

I would reward myself with this grain-free granola, and I would have yogurt like maybe once or twice a month. I have sugar free yogurt with almonds and some raisins in that. To me right now when I eat that, it tastes like fucking ice cream. It tastes like fucking ice cream. But here's a thing man, I'm thinking about this. And it's like, okay, I'm 50. I'm never gonna have anything ever again.

Like I'm never gonna have pizza again. I'm never gonna have anything ever again. Like, I'm never gonna have pizza again. I'm never gonna have ramen again. I'm never gonna eat that shit again. No, you don't mean that. I do. Why? It's like, it's like, it's like sex, dude. It's like, you know, like, I'm never gonna do that shit again that I've done.

Yeah, but when I do it, I feel like now, Jay, if I do it, I can have a steak. I can have some chicken. I can have some vegetables. I have a salad. I can have other things that are just as fine. I have to let go of my relationship with this fucking thing. Because it's like that.

No, I think it's enjoying it. The healthy things enjoying things in moderation. No, I can't. I can't, it's like drugs. I just like that. I can't use weed. I never got arrested on weed. I never fought anybody on weed.

I never got in trouble with weed. But weed was part of alcohol was my thing. Sure. And that led me to drugs. And I can't do any of that shit. I had to let go of it. And like sex, sex was my drug when I was in shape. And I was, sex was my thing.

I had to let go of it. It's hard. It's hard, dude, to let go of that thing. Because if, look, when you're down, when you're out, when you feel sad, when things don't go your way, which happen a lot, just seeing this fucking business, to go and shoot up a bowl of fucking ramen or shoot up a Popeye's chicken sandwich with fries

or to go to the filly and get the best of whatever it is. But I've learned so on the road coming home, I do purposely. Because I'm surprised how much. Yeah, but you do read. That's true. But you can do drugs. But you're also surprised. I'm surprised at how much my mindset has changed in general,

though, like when I leave a comedy club in Iath, there was no food at the club or something. But I'm looking for isn't shitty food. So if I have to make a bad decision because that's just it, when I was, I forget where I was at recently, but it was just pizza at this bar, like a spa of the slice.

So I just got a slice of pizza and went home and just like fight it that way. So it's like, I can do that, but for years, I didn't all I was thinking about, I go after the show tonight to talk about, there's a fucking Arby's right now sort of thing and like multiple sandwiches from each play. It was never like a thought of like, are you get a meal? Me and Dave Smith hung out a lot. He would stay at my house all the time for a couple of years and we used to eat very similar late night and I mean if we got cheese sticks, we got the same thing me and him.

If we got McDonald's, we both got two sandwiches and nuggets and fries. But I would go, but I would go, Dave is bone thin still. And he doesn't exercise or anything. Does he drink? I was like, yeah. And I was like, what, I was like, how does he do it?

But if I go back and really think about it, it was we'd sit down there and put all that same amount of food out. I'd house mine. Dave would have half a surprise, one full sandwich, not eating at all that I'd put away in a fridge for him. The other one, he only ate like one and a half of and there's nuggets. And then I'd throw everything out.

And while I'm throwing it out, I'm eating the nuggets he didn't eat and, you know, upset that I'm putting the sandwich in the fridge because he goes, yeah goes yeah put in the fridge. I might have it later and you're like Third sandwich. Yeah, I was already in your mind. You're like, oh, I could go for a Plot down somebody's leftovers is what it's my a dain is a fatty too, man Cuz yeah dude he hits in him. He fights it. He goes to the gym. Yeah. He tries to give out. I remember dude. He's gotten fat a couple times. Yeah. I remember we were in Hawaii once and we were both fat. We both got fat. Really? Oh there was paparazzi

dude and the guy I tell you there was a fucking we were boogie boardin just two tubby's with our chicks in Maui and we're bookie board and his his bookie board came over the top of me and he was on top of me and we were riding a wave together and we were going we were smiling like, do you're on top of me? I know, I know. If the fucking TMZ guy came two seconds early, he would have got that photo. And I would have had to either make it a poster and sell it for merch or just regret it for the rest of my, but they took a photo at Port Dane and he was, you know, he was like bending and they just put it out there

and he, I mean, dude, he got shredded after that. He just went to the gym, like, twa, I mean, every fucking day. But yeah, dude, we, I remember one night, he taught me a fat trick, a greatest fat trick ever. One of the fat greatest fat tricks. We were, he was doing that big tour and he's got a G5. It's a fucking G5 and it's me, him, Brian Voguewess and Barry Katz. It's an 18 person plane and it's us four, right?

So he had the guy on the wave to the private airport, he goes, stop it McDonald's. He goes, what do you want? I go, I want two double quarter pounders with cheese. I want a 20 piece McNugget with all Polynesian sauce type stuff to sweet sauce and give me a two large fries. He goes, don't get two large fries.

Get three. I go, three. He goes, you ever eat two large fries. He goes, don't get two large fries. Get three. I go three. He goes, you ever eat two large fries? I go, yeah, you know, the whole thing. He goes, and you get to the end and you're like, fuck it, which there was one more. It goes three. I've done this. He goes the perfect number. You'll never eat three large fries, but you'll never want another fry. Damn. He goes, take the fries, pour them all into a bag, right when you get them, and roll that bag up and eat the fries out of the bag. You won't finish it,

but you won't want more fries. Damn. And that's the feeling, I was like, oh, that's the fatness. Yeah, that is. That's definitely the, yeah, trying to trick your own brain. By the way,

I tell you, we've done me and Christina have ordered McDonald's and are like, we go, let's get, like we're just gonna get, like, we don't do this, it's just late, maybe we were stoned or whatever it is. We need dinner, it goes, let's just, let's share, we'll get, listen, we'll get two double cheese burgers.

We each take one, we'll split a fries and we'll split a 10 piece nuggets. And then it goes, we'll get a, like get a small fry also because, and she's like, well, we'll just do the large fries, we go, but they would have to fill the us. I'm gonna give you a bullshit large fry So if we have a large and a small piece of a large disaster this is a disaster This is great dude. This is your the fat manipulation. Yeah, because dude you're you're literally

You're fucking conning yourself Yeah, you're calling her and you're calling yourself is lion and you're conning yourself. It's lying. And you're both sitting and she's sitting there going, I know, fuck I know what he's doing, but she probably doesn't want to deal with the rage that I mean, Don I know has just, fine, get what you want because she knows, I look at, I want the fucking fries

because I get to that point. Yeah, no, there's no Raycus Christine battles it as much as I do, just like the actual, Don da Audi have it. But she, but we do it to each other. We go to Taco Bell and it's like, look, we're just gonna get a ton of shit because we're gonna try it,

but we're not gonna eat everything. And then we sort of just do through some- Yes! You're like, how many more of those chicken ones are left? Like two, it goes, well, throw the matter whatever. And you're like, and then you're like, this is a bike ride. I can't throw away food.

It's so hard to do. I can't throw away, man. I have them leftovers. I hate it, man. I feel like a piece of shit. Me and my wife got a fight. We were in Wair's Beach. And I said this last week,

we were trying to go to a restaurant and they fucked us. They were like, yeah, we don't have any room or whatever. It was like so fucked up. And as we went to look for the restaurants, they were closing, because it was like a Monday up. And as we went to look for the restaurants, they were closing, because it was like a Monday night in New Hampshire or whatever, or a Sunday night. So as we're going,

and everything's 20 minutes away up in the White Mountains, so it's like, fuck, we found a Chinese restaurant. And I was like, listen, it's the only place. We have to go to McDonald's if we don't go here, okay? And I have to eat like just a hamburger with cheese, with no bread, right? I go order, I want meat, get me pork, get me de-terriacum meat, and get me the wings.

I want an order of the wings and I want an order of the pork, right? Okay, okay, I go, she goes, do you need an order? I go listen. I go, I look at that I'm starving We haven't had we got this thing and I'm like So she want to order a poople platter. Oh boy, which is two and two and two I go why the fuck would you and I'm so mad? I'm like why the fuck would you do fuck me like that?

Because I gotta eat it. She's like I go it's all fried food. I can't eat the fried shit I can only eat a certain food and you fuck I just wanted I go I told and she's like be this plenty of food Christine what did I call you about said you fucked me and you held on to that for years? Was it cuz like you didn't you didn't make the bed right or something? The bed wasn't made right. Fuck me. But I always leave the bottom of this bed on talk. You fuck me.

Fuck you. Is that an overreaction? I'm like, it was such an overreaction. Dude, I felt as soon as I said it, I was like, Oh my God. The same. There was such drama mamas. Yeah. Oh my God, dude. And it was my God. It was insane. There was such drama mamas. Yeah. Oh my God, dude.

And it was so much, it was so, the food was so much. It was, it was ridiculous. I should have just kept my mouth shut. There was so much food. I throw a lot of leftovers away because I'm ashamed of them. What? I mean, like, we get like food that's not good

for you, there's leftovers. You know, like we shouldn't have it the next day. Even we should have had it at all. Yeah, but there's something in you that like the one I was poor and I didn't have money, you got to keep it. You can't, if you throw it out, that's just terrible. Like, oh no, we don't know. I'm saying I want to do that.

Christine, she won't. She won't. Yeah. She'll eat it when I'm gone or something, but like, I'm so hungry right now, dude. I did, I'm dying. I'm that fucking dying. Let's just go get ramen. Oh, dude. Let's go to Korean for my retirement luncheon I did a bang bang because of you and Louis man. You say luncheon lunch. What's a luncheon? I go on a white luncheon

What's a luncheon? I don't know what call it a lunch. I don't know what a luncheon. It's like a it's like an afternoon Ceremony. Yeah, that's what they say like in them. like a yeah It's a luncheon. That's great. So we did a lunch lunch. We did my retirement lunch E.O. and lunch and lunch and dude Jay what's the if you've been doing lunch? Yeah, I don't even know. I don't even know. Boy Scouts would have like lunch and lunch and lunch and lunch and I can't watch and watch and Dude stop saying lunch and I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't watch it. I can't watch it. I can't watch it. I can't watch it. I can't watch it. I can't watch it.

I can't watch it. I can't watch it. I can't watch it. I can't watch it. I can't watch it. I can't watch it. I can't watch it. I can't watch it.

I can't watch it. I can't watch it. I can't watch it. I can't watch it. I can't watch it. I can't watch it. I can't watch it. I can't watch it.

I can't watch it. I can't watch it. I can't watch it. I can't watch it. I can't watch it. I can't watch it. I can't watch it. I can't watch it. Ah! Peruvian chicken sounds good. What the fuck is that? That's the stuff. That rotisserie shit with the veggies. And so we did that and then we went to a time place. No, no, that's just... Oh, they're being Christine today, did... We did a fucking...

Oh shit. We got dinner. We're like, hey, let's do this a healthy option. They have like food across the street from us. There is this supermarket that has like a hot bar, like really fresh food that I can see the making it constantly. And it's a, and we got like fish and vegetables. And there was like, oh, there's like a little coconut chicken thing, not a child, a little piece of that.

Everything, it's like $13.99 a pound. We're like, you know what, this is also gonna be a cheap, like when we order food, you order in every night, man. New York City, your spare body, $ a hundred bucks. Yeah, wow somewhere between like 1600 bucks. That's crazy. That's crazy. Two people legitimately and then we get that they just wait all For shit. I got a soup and a sour. It's like it was this 80 bucks all But I'm like from a fucking buffet more. Yeah, I'm so hungry right now my fucking

I've been in. Do you remember the things that were like also if you were a fat kid that they just They won't make these things now because of like golden crowds member super bar at Wendy's That was that was a that was tough for a fact and that thing that was you can get you can make tacos burritos yes nachos Salad you can also tell you know. Yeah, and that was like a dollar 99 tacked on yes, you're meal Dude, I remember that I remember when I moved to New York and they had the Buffet bars in all the delis and People you'd hear about it on the news people would just be

Dying from them like I mean do people is lady, but it was so, it was just like general gauze chicken and general, the general gauze, the general, whatever the fuck is called, general, whatever the fuck. And it would just be like, be broccoli. You know, it's so whatever the fuck it is. I don't know. And Boston, we say gal. We don't see how, yeah. We just say it. We say it wrong here. Yeah, everybody says that wrong It's probably not sour either probably not the G right now TSO TSO Yeah, yeah, how

Salix yeah, dude, do you remember the buffets? Yeah, dude I remember the buffets and I would go in there and I would just fucking roll the dice I remember I was so happy I felt like in New York I went to a peep show without putting my head down. I went in Said hi to the guy jerked off and walked out with my head up and I bumped into a guy and said sorry Didn't even care and I went to one of those buffets. Yeah, I don't even know how subarrows exist. I have no idea It's fucking sucks because I had an amall once when I was a child It's a scene of my entire life. It's just the fucking. It's the tourist pizza place It's the worst dude. It's touristy. It's at every truck stop. It's at every mall

That's where you mean it's almost like truckers like truck stop. It's a truck stop type of pizza and it's at every mall, too Yeah, I don't know people yeah, they I don't mind sparrows, dude. I don't like it. I've never, the pizza is fine. The effect they offer you like a turnover of pasta is weird. Yeah, but they also have meatballs and sausage. It's in sparrows where it wasn't that common. Hooked your food at the window. Wasn't that sparrows food?

I don't know. How's that? You have story where you guys are drawing the road and or or Colin opened up his food or something and someone just took it and threw it out the window. No, it was, I had one where Keith, I was reading the paper and Keith just grabbed the paper and threw a whole Sunday paper out the window on a highway.

And it's like birds, it just covered the whole boat. And I remember calling punch me in the face, driving and I spit my coffee on the inside of the... Anyways, we're gonna wrap this up and go into overtime YKWD right now. We're gonna get some plugs out. We have a lot of shit to plug. You have a special that came out.

You have a million, I mean, I don't know if there's anybody who does more shit than Jay. So here you go. What is this? This is on Spotify right now. That's the album. And it's Chris Allen. DC comic, very funny guy.

I was there, you worked Chris for, he's great. I have. Don't we've worked together. Yeah. And we've hung out. We've got to do, but Mag No, we've worked together. Yeah. And we've hung out. We've got to do, but Magoo, we've got canceled or something. He was supposed to work on me and I canceled the gig. Oh, it's Rochester.

Because all of my father died. Yes, it's the father died. Yeah, sorry about that. I, uh, sorry about my father died. Must've been a rough weekend for you, Chris. Yeah. That's it. I was so weird that weekend.

I didn't know what to do. Wouldn't it feel sad or anything? No, I knew I was sad, but I didn't know what to do. What if you're sad or anything? No, I knew I was sad, but I didn't know as I've never canceled a show. Yeah, in my fucking 30 year career, I've never gone to a gig and left. I didn't know what to do. Like, they were like, he's, huh?

Do the show. Well, no, I actually, I wonder the club who is fucking great. We'll talk about this in overtime. I don't wanna step on your plug here. Yeah, we'll talk about it. It's fucking interesting. I know what to do now.

I never kidmores. I wanna talk about that. Famous. Two hours from my show. What's it called? Negro, please. Yeah. Negro, please.

It's radio. It's just like a 20, 30 minute podcast. Me just talking about shit, man. Well, what's your special? I wanna talk about your, your, your album that came out. Oh, yeah, I was, I did it. I'm scripted. Yeah.

I don't care. I was on Skanks last night. It's over. You're done. Yeah, dude. Let me tell you something. I was on Skanks last night. Every time I do it, I literally have to call my wife

and go, listen, we're not gonna win any awards. Like, we have a good time. She's like, what, she goes, listen, it's just not happening. It's not happening. I'm not gonna get any award. I'm gonna have to really be low key actor in the background. I'm not gonna be able to like have a, Yeah, don't write something for yourself, starring.

Waste time. Yeah, I can't star in that. I can't. No, no, no, no. No. If someone's like, hey, you wanna be in an NBC sitcom, I'm like, I'd love to, but there's no chance of it ever happening.

No, it's just because we, you're a Google search from ending it all. Yeah, it's just we fucked up with radio and podcasting. We just bared our souls and tried to be funny and we shouldn't have been. Yeah, that's what we fucked up. Then somebody had to shut the fuck up and say we were rude. We should just stay on the road and then comedy

and just never done podcasting. Who had to get back money? Did somebody have to shut the fuck up and they rode we should just stay on the road and then comedy and just never done podcasting Who had to get back money didn't somebody has to get back money from like Buffalo while wings a New York guy? I know but I'm hungry. I love Buffalo. They have that New York Steve run as easy You got cancer. What is this you will host of something else? Yeah, I mean my buddy have a podcast man All right, you have a host of the bet. You have Tess Bell. But the other podcast. Negro, please. Negro, please. Radio. That's just me talking about my love. Are you forced that out the right Negro?

It covered people. Please radio. Can I plug my shirt? I got a dope shirt. What is it? If you put in a hide the bodies.com, it'll pop up. Oh, that's good. It is. It's a dope shirt. I sell a lot of these shirt. Let me see what it is. Put in hide the bodies. Chris Allen. Hide the bodies. We're making fun here. We're going over. Don was great. Oh, yeah. I was so funny. Guys, I love that. This is my other sheet up right there. What is that? Click on the one on the left. What is that? Right there. Don't tread on comedy. That's a hot That's a good shirt. That's a good shirt, baby. Let me buy the rights to that. Huh now you cannot I'll give you a thousand dollars no sir

No sir, no sir. I'll give you I'll give you 30,000 no sir 40,000. No 40 grand cash I make 40 grand a weekend selling you shirts. No, you don't. I don't. I don't. I would. Yeah, I don't. I've seen it. I will go check out his shirt too. I want you to get me one of those. I was gonna bring one, but I didn't think you would want one.

Why? I don't know. You're an asshole. Yeah. Why would I not like a gift? I'll send you one. What's that means I'm never gonna. No, I'll send it tomorrow.

What's that? She says two X. Whatever is it's T. Two X I'm never gonna. No, I'll send it tomorrow. What's that? He says two X's. Whatever is it's T. Two X's. T. T. Yeah, whatever it is. All right, well, check them out.

Of course, two of my favorite people, I mean, the funniest, I mean, it's gotta be one of the funniest things in series. Oh, thank you, Red. I mean, no joke. So if no joke and I've filled in a couple times and it's just this time you know it's a funny show If you when you fill in for it, it just goes Because it's there's a thing is a mechanism and all you have to do is sit down and it and it just goes and when you two it together I I mean two of the funniest fucking guys that I mean meant to talk to each other

I just meant to talk to each other. I just meant to fucking be verbal with each other and be funny. And that's all it is from front to go. It's funny. Oh, man. I love it. I love the bonfire. Your fans are amazing. Your crew is amazing. Christine, of course, I love her. She's the producer of it. She's one outside Steve asked me outside about how the bonfire like who put us together? Like Christine. Christine said we should do a radio show. It's fucking brilliant. I wish I wish she knew me back then.

I wish she liked me back then. I'd be like, you and Bobby and Dan. You want me to, why are you not there? The chemistry's there. How funny is it that we, I went to you go, here we should go camping and do a show by the bonfire. And you were like, nah, I don't know about that. And then I went to Christine, I go, Christine, the show's by the bonfire. And you were like, nah, I don't know about that. And then I went to Christina, go Christine,

the show's called the bonfire. Your fans are called campers. I think we should do this. She goes, yeah, that does make sense. We were there. We were right there. Anyways, you go, and of course check them out. Do you want me to just plug this?

Do you want to plug Skanks? No, Skanks. Yeah, of course we do Skanks. You don't have to because scared is fucking great. Scax by South and he is one of the kings of it. Lewis, Dave and Jay. I did it last night and let me tell you something. It is, it's just fucking outrageously funny.

It's ridiculous. It's ridiculous and it's this, I mean, it reminds me of opening in the the I have the same feeling of I feel dirty when I leave it You know what I mean because we've said stuff and done stuff and things were said It is one of the last passions that we can just go for and we just like it's still yeah We're under the umbrella. We said like it's meant to be ridiculous It's never not trying to be funny. That's it. And it says fucking crazy shit,

but it's in the vein of funny. Well, we all shut down. There was something, oh yeah, they were chanting neggers because there's always someone was negging somebody. And so we're doing like, on the pure technicality. And then this beautiful black chick

walked into the room, and then everyone was like, all of us on the, at the table were like, or whatever, what were we talking about? Somebody says like, just brought up like, what were we saying before? And I just go, we all just got on

to go for that lady walked in, like, no, it's not, you catch this way at a context. Oh man, that's so funny. It was so fucking crazy. Yeah. So make sure you check him out. I'm gonna be at comedy, comedy key West. I'm not there Yeah, but I'm gonna be at comedy key West is it live tonight? Is that you?

That's me that's you. That's you. Hey guys. You don't even know your dates. No, but why is comedy key West up there September 19th? What the fuck anyways punchline failure this weekend, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, then I'm gonna side splitters for a, I just added a Thursday. It was Friday and Saturday, now it's Thursday, the ninth through the 11th, then I'm at Ruhr and Springfield,

and then I'm at the Patioch Theater in We Creeps. Creeps is happening again, which I'm very excited about. Celebrity Theater in New Jersey on my birthday weekend, October 8th and 9th Atlantic City, Levittown Governors, Skankfest South, and I will be touring with a very, very funny comedian coming up in November.

I can't tell you who, comedy on Carlson, that's where I was supposed to be. Oh yeah, right, so. She get on that and then and laugh it up and Pekipsi, Hasbro, Kite, Manannes. I mean, I got all kinds of fucking dates happening. Going to a rubric again for Christmas and New Years. So if you want to get a nice little trip, go check it out.

Go to comicwearables.com, get yourself a YKWD shirt, and if you show it at the club that I'm performing at, I will give you a big hug. If you get fucked up bell, I will give you a fucking kiss on the cheek and whisper in your ear. There's only a few left of those, and we have all my shorts, sister ping, all that,

the go scroll down, scroll up. You know, look at the shirt, see, I got my kalta, go to the go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, I'll tell you why. You have such beautiful eyes, Jack. And it translates into the shirt. I've actually did a show. I had your shirt on and I did the show. And you would just look, it looked like you were just looking up. Just enjoying you. You do have great eyes, buddy.

It was fucking crazy. So anyways, go there. What else do we got to promote? Anything, oh, make Patreon. We're going to Patreon right now for a few minutes. So if you like the show, if you're into the show, you have to make sure you're subscribed, make sure you like, follow these people, and make sure that you join patreon.com, slash robbercali, go over there, if you're a fan of mine, go be a fan over there.

I got so much stuff over there, we have the YKWD is live. You get to watch it when we do it on Tuesday nights and you be in the chat and you get the extra YKWD, culture and Kelly live. You get the Friday only, culture and Kelly. You get the J.O.P. party on Saturday night. We're going to be filming me and Joe talking about today. We're going to be doing the live from the shed. Dennis Liri owes me one, a couple other people in there. Maybe get big J up there if you want to come up and do a live from the shed. And we also got the new show What's in the box, dude? Where I'm opening up talking about filling a hole,

going to malls, buying stuff. I'm opening up all these packages I get that I don't even know what the fuck they are. People sent them to me and I open them up on the show and show you what it's about and it's on Patreon only. Wicked good wholesale furniture. Come in and get wicked good deals on all your name brand furniture. At 70% off, regular retail prices.

70% off regular prices. Week they carry Ashley, cat napper, nationwide and more. Furniture for all your rooms. Don't be a flack at wicked pisser. Get your smart asses over here. Just over the pits, pits, the Philipsburg Bridge. It's right in a three 16 town center boulevard, Eastern PA.

Listen, we gotta wrap this up. I'm so fucking hungry right now. I gotta go downstairs and get a Sal what the fuck's between our legs? This is a nut. Oh, I was so happy. So I get a ball back and dick. Oh my god I fucking love you if you nice fucking hot black tranny wife Your wife is read Thank you, oh, thanks man. I mean, she's beautiful. Oh, yeah. I wouldn't even know what to do with it. Neither do I have the time.

I mean, she, what room in your house is that? That's not a, dude, they have these place called Selfie Worlds now where like that is. It's what we're asking you. Yeah, is that the P. Diddy video room? Yeah, you can go through those. It's a bunch of. Oh, sorry, dude, I just, I just started going through.

There's no dick pics. I don't know, I'm gonna get a dick pic. You're looking for dick, though. He's never, titty pic. She's so beautiful, man. Good for you. Thank you. And you got a beautiful son, too He's a good kid. Yeah, he's a good dad man. I try to be great dad and you served in the military son of a bitch Good for you. Thanks man. Thank you for doing that. This has been a great podcast. You want to feel old? Yeah No, I don't okay. Is it it about three days into her own apartment? Damn.

How you feel about that? It's wild. It's wild. It's nerve-racking, but like she's loving it, so. Where? Flatbush. Wow. Yeah, it's crazy.

It's so weird. You helping her? Yeah. Good. Yeah, I'll reach. Yeah, I'll fucking reach. Cool. Yeah.

We'll not reach it all. I mean, it's like, we're helping her. Yeah, we're a thousandaires. We're not millionaires. Yeah, we're reach now fucking rich. Cool. We'll not reach it all. We just, I mean, it's like, we're a thousandaires. We're not millionaires. Yeah, we just in the business. Yeah, dude. We're working actively.

It's the best you've ever been. Yeah, we're very close to you. I get a 50 and I hold onto it for weeks because I'm like, I've made it. Yeah, we've been there. We've been there, dude. Oh, yeah. I mean, I remember having a

now, I mean, $13 pound of faith food. Yeah, dude. So this is all a Patreon time. Let me ask you, what was the first biggest check you got? Like the biggest, your first big check, sorry. Oh, it has to be my first real acting gig I got. And it was like 50 grand of some crazy shit like that. No.

No, I don't, I have no idea. The zombie five figures was the first time you were like, what? Dude, the sex structure is the best I got paid. I was getting 25, I have no idea. For me five figures was the first time you were like, what? Dude, sex drugs was the best I got paid. I was getting 25,000 in an episode. Right. I wanna ask a dumb question. Is this a paycheck?

Is this a direct deposit? Like, how does this shit work? It goes to the week? Dude, you don't get it right away. Like, you don't, like, I, my first TV get, I was like, where's my money? I wanted that. And they don't send it right away.

It's gotta go, you gotta kinda pry it out of their fucking hands. Like, you have to have? I wanted that. They don't send it right away. You gotta go, you gotta kind of pry it out of their fucking hands. Like you have to have, I'm serious. You have to have the manager agent, hey, let's go. And then they, they don't, the money doesn't flow like that. And then you always get it, but, you know, yeah, I mean, that was probably the biggest. That is crazy. Money, I mean, at once, the highest paying gig I ever did was 21,000, 22,000 dollars. Jesus, it's for one show.

One show. Yeah, one show. It's fantastic. Yeah. I'm going to Denver this weekend. That was last month or it's the most memorable or made at a club. It's pretty, it's one of those you look at. That chick don't use me, man.

I did something. Wendy. Comedy works, yeah. I did something. Wendy? Comedy works, yeah. I work there every year, it was great, but then it's one of those things where you did something and then she heard about it or somebody said it and that's it.

I'm like, what's all right? I don't care. I don't know. You do out there as a improv. It's good city. No, I might just do a theater. Do something if I want to, but it's a crazy flight. You know what to but it's a fuck it's a crazy flight

You know what I mean it is crazy flight but anyways There's been a great way man. We're all fucking hungry and big J. I want to thank you so much I love you buddy. Thank you for having me. Yeah, of course man. I love talking to you and Chris Thanks for coming off. Thanks happen. You can do album hilarious. Yes. Yeah, check it out. It's called off script. And you got a podcast called Negro, please radio. We're Negro, please. And the host battle and host battle. I'm trying to expand, man.

I'm like, he likes the D shirts. I'm doing everything. It's got a hot wife and a good kid. Beautiful family. We got Joe Russell. We got Moch. Beautiful family. We got Joe Russell. We got Moosh to somewhere. We got new, new Nikki Maxi, Maxi, the mad scientist is over there. I want to thank all the Patreon fans for tuning in.

I hope you guys enjoy these extra moments. We get on my kid that we did it just for you. patreon.com, sass robbercally. If you want to hear some of this stuff, if you're not a member, make sure you tell everybody about it. And make sure you're subscribed and like and commenting and all the stuff. YKWD, you guys are the best fans in the world. We've been doing it for over 10 years every week and we continue to do it.

So we'll see you guys next time. You know what, dude? Later. They can stand up and button your shirt. Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca, espectacularismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sincindia aventuras desperan. ¡Fliparás! Vuelades de Madrid, Amurcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea. Tarifa sujetas a disponibilidad.

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